Are we going to follow WWE's lead on uninspired name choices and literally call ourselves Team EWB? Meanwhile, broke into Owens on RTG. Hopefully will finish him sometime today so I can start the process of working on Pro'ing him. Think my team is pretty balanced now, everyone is either an UR or Pro SR/R except one Diva. Using the early rounds to try and train some spare SR's though in case I eventually get a 2nd one.
Oh hey, it's that WWE movie that's meant to be good and actually made some money. Not that things didn't start out relatively bright for WWE Studio's with See No Evil and The Marine before tapering off slightly with The Condemned and 12 Rounds. Things really took a nose dive with Legendary though. And as for Knucklehead and it's $1000 domestic box office?
Are these things just Vince's tax write offs or something? Surely it'd just be quicker and easier to put this money directly in toilet and cut out the middle man. Or, hell, just bring back Million Dollar Mania. At this point I think they either had less sway or had just realized that crow-barring on of their Superstars into the project wasn't a surefire way to success so no token appearance for the likes of Randy Orton, The Miz or...Brodus Clay here. How did he get a movie anyway?
Though, a concept like this was surely calling out for a Hulk Hogan cameo, brother. By the way, if you're reading this Mr Hogan, I know you're not a racist. Booker T is your best friend! Can I get a re-blog?!
But hey, this movie does have Amy Pond herself, Karen Gillian, and Speedle! Or possibly Lucas, it depends on which reference is stronger. Speedle has had less of a lasting impact on me but Lucas was more of an annoying, pompous ass so they both kind of cancel each other out. It only took me 8 days but Oculus has finally given me a movie that's intense, suspenseful and gripping. A mysterious antique mirror has for centuries been linked with the death of numerous people including the parents of our two main characters, Kaylie and Tim, and now 11 years on they're back to find out what the hell is going on. There's no rhyme or reason for these occurrences, no explanation as to where the mirror came from or how these things are happening, but we get a glimpse into it's history and the grizzly tales surrounding it. Things can get disorientating thanks primarily to the way the story likes to switch back and force between events now and in Kaylie and Tim's past.
But there's a lot of quiet moments as well to build up the tension and tricks being played that lead to some nasty results... It's an enjoyable watch...perhaps too enjoyable. I mean, here I am watching something more akin with actual horror and it's a well received WWE movie? There's clearly some sort of trickery afoot, perhaps my own evil mirror will make me watch Leprechaun Origins now as penance.
The Terror (1999) There's probably an argument that I'm not really doing too well on the whole horror side of this but on my lists there's always been some scope for these type of 'monster' movies. Who needs another shitty shark movie when you can have a shitty croc movie?!
We star innocently enough when a Fish and Game officer is out on the lake in order monitor the local beaver population (not a euphemism) when he can't help but get the feeling he's in the middle of a tired cliche of someone being stalked from behind.
It's not enough that the movie gives tricks us with one false jump scare of a friendly turtle swimming by, they have to do again with a beaver! Third time's the charm though and we're off to the races when Mr Crock makes himself known by nibbling on this frogman.
Suddenly he's not half the man he used to be.
Kelly Scott is a paleontologist in the middle of a complicated office romance love triangle and is sent on a bullshit assignment to look at the crocodile's tooth because someone things it could be prehistoric. Except, I don't think that's ever mentioned again. This really is like all those shitty shark movies, having to bring in all these prehistoric species just to have enough material to keep pumping these things out. This croc attack all took plaice in Maine by the way so not only do they have to put up with Stephen King unleashing killer clowns, rabid dogs and tentacle monster obscuring weather phenomenon, now they have to put up with 30ft reptiles as well. So Kelly, a local sheriff and another Fish and Game officer played by Bill Pullman all head out to the lake where they meet an old lady that lives there played by Betty White. It's here we get a story just out of the blue about how she euthanized her husband. Well that's odd and little off tone but how did she do it? Drugs? Smothering. "I bashed his head in with a skillet." It's by this point that you realize that no one in this movie has that filter in between their brain and their mouth that stops them from saying half the shit that pops into their head.
No one is a better example of that though than eccentric billionaire Hector Cyr. Huzzah, it's Porthos! Maybe the Musketeers are coming to solve this problem? This guy really seems to get off on calling the sheriff fat but he's no size zero himself.
We've all got our own little quirks and I suppose you would probably need to keep going to extreme lengths to get your kicks when you're uber rich but I'd still question wanting to go frolic around with a creature that decapitates one of the sheriff's deputies. I'd have sympathy for the guy but he forgot the number one rule in a time of crisis: never lose your head.
Kelly explains that it's not that crazy really since cultures since the dawn of time have worshiped the crocodile. There's probably some truth to that considering that Betty White is even offering up sacrifices to it. What's that old saying, you can lead a cow to water but you can't make it walk into the gaping maw of a crocodile?
Of course Hector doesn't condone killing this beast that has already developed a taste for human blood, we've got to save it so we can put it in a nature reserve or something ridiculous. The best way to do that is, naturally, to take his helicopter, strap in a cow and lower it into the water as bait. I can imagine Richard Branson and Donald Trump doing the same thing on a weekend. Well, Trump would probably use fresh Mexican immigrants he picked up from the parking lot of a hardware store.
And Bill Pullman is ready to to tranq it's ass when it comes up for it's meal. You think your little dart can pierce it's leathery hide?! Thing must be several inches thick, man. This calls for something much stronger, use the Schwartz!
Not sure I'm in a position yet to get to UR but my team has improved as of late so we'll see. Getting Owens SR will be good though as I have one waiting to pro and a down arrow SR is the only one I'm missing.
The Terror (1963) As is tradition, any and all 'The' movies must be immediately followed by a second 'The' movie. It may have only cost me 25p from my local CEX and the case may be partially smashed up but, damnit, it's Jack Nicholson and KARLOFF! That's a winning combination if ever I heard one.
The story goes that whilst Roger Corman, noted director of what is probably now only the second worst Fantastic Four movie, was directing one of his run of Edgar Allan Poe inspired movies, he had a bit of downtime and all of these sets to use so...random new movie!I do still need to see his version of The Raven though. KARLOFF, Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, a young Jack Nicholson again...
You know who else is in this movie? Dick Miller. You think Joe Dante cast Dick Miller in a lot of movies? Miller's filmography from 56 through 63, all Corman.
It does make sense that he'd want to get his money's worth from these sets, they all look very nice and KARLOFF's Baron character has a castle that has well dressed rooms and grand staircases but also dank, dark crypts. And Jack Nicholson plays some sort of lost French officer, because isn't he the first thing that springs to mind when casting a French soldier? He spends the entire movie wondering what the hell is going on and I sympathize with him. Ghosts, witches, love affairs, murders...the whole thing makes very little sense and it's not surprising as what plot they did have was probably written on the back of a napkin or something. We're not through name dropping yet. In order to try and stitch something together from the rush job of two days of filming there were a number of people brought in, Francis Ford Coppola among st them.
Of course the biggest star on show here is the hawk. They just love showcasing this thing and you can often hear it squawking away. It even gets the best kill of the movie. True it's probably also the only kill in the movie but still...
Not the eyes! So, yeah, the movie isn't great in terms of actually watching it but it's an interesting novelty in terms of seeing two actors crossing paths at two different extremes of their careers. That and all this behind the scenes stuff just borders on the absurd. I mean, it's Wikipedia page claims that even Nicholson's costume was just a hand-me-down previously used by Marlon Brando. I guess in all the confusion though, Corman forgot to even copyright the thing so you can online and watch it right now for free, both in terms of your wallet and your guilt. What a waste of my 25p! Whether you'd necessarily want to watch it though...that's a different story.
For whatever reason I skipped over No World for Tomorrow at the time but picked up on Year of the Black Rainbow. Didn't listen to those two Afterman albums either. Might give this a go though since it's all new and what not.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Norway (for some reason), which also looks like it's playing host to a Hovis commercial, a little boy is told a fantastical tale of witches abducting a little girl, only to banish her to a painting for the rest of her life, growing old within it before disappering entirely.
Creepy. There's witches all over the world you see, every nation has it's own chapter. "And the leader of all the witches is the most evil woman in creation." Actually, I think the internet has since bestowed that mantle onto Anita Sarkeesian.
Granny is looking after little Luke because his parents are going out for the evening. Oh boy, we all know where this is going. I've seen Batman...
Well shit, who saw this one coming? And only a car accident too. What’s the matter, Dahl, no rhinos around to gobble them up?
We all know 'stranger danger' right? Don't let creepy men lure you into their vans with promises of toys, candy or puppy dogs. Witches don't roll that way. "Come here little boy, I have a snake for you."
As if that isn't bad enough, granny is struck down with 'a very mild case of diabetes'. Don't worry though, a few days rest and you'll be right as rain. Just cut out all sugars and take a nice trip to the seaside. Lady, do you know what they sell at the seaside? All that ice cream, candy floss and rock, it's a veritable mine field for the Wilfred Brimley's of the world.
In order to put all this unpleasantness behind them, they do take that trip and book into a nice hotel where the manager is played by...Rowan Atkinson? Score! Which is also playing host to the annual meeting of the RSPCC. Not that you would ever suspect they are actually a front for...
WITCHES! The great visuals on the witches is one thing but the amazingly over the top performance from Anjelica Huston is something else. Just amazing. Also, I had to really force myself not to correct the spelling of both her fore and surname. She just hates kids so very much that she is she planning to murder every last one of them in England by means of buying up every sweet shop in the country and administering a poison through them that turns people into mice. It didn't occur to me at the time quite how she gathered the funds for such a plan but I guess she embezzled it all from the RSPCC? I mean, that's pretty twisted in and of itself but did the RSPCC really sign off on this? It's one way to raise your profile, I suppose...
And if that genocidal plan is just too subtle, you can always just try and push a pram over a cliff. Unfortunately for Luke, they catch him snooping on their plans and give him a dosage in the realms of 500 strength. So to save every child in the nation, he concocts a scheme to beat them at their own game and put the potion in their meal that night.
Hey, I know this movie, this is the one where he controls the chef's body by pulling his hair and they go on to become a Michelin star restaurant, right?
Presented without context...
Luke the mouse also manages somehow to steal the crate of money the grand witch had. That's some pretty counterfeit looking money there. You know, they missed a trick by not calling them Witch dollars. And every Witch dollar will be worth five British pounds. That is the exchange rate that the Bank of England will implement after the witches threaten to turn William and Harry into mice. What's also in that crate is the grand witches little black book. No, not her list of booty calls, but the name and address of of every witch in the United States of America. I'm surprised they had any left after all those trials... I suppose America isn't the worst place in the world for a mouse. After all...
Yeah, I have standard on the One and the only inserts I had were 2 days free Gold, a flyer advertising Access/FIFA Interactive World Cup and one on legal mumbo jumbo. I know there are editions that have the 15 packs though because CD keys have been gutting them and selling them separately. I considered buying one when they were about £2.50 and then they went up to £4. Just looked, £2.99 for the same on PS4, £4.99 on the One. Robbing bastards.
Swamp Thing (1982) Swamp Thing is a DC Comics property that would go on to have a TV show and cartoon in the 90's along with toys, video games...the whole nine yards. This movie came earlier on and there was second one made as well, I guess, I don't really care.
Comic books, some kind of monster that looks like someones shoddy attempt at a gill man outfit for Halloween and it's even written and directed by the late Wes Craven so it fits the bill for this list. I'd have been better off watching anything else by him.
I have as much an idea as to what the villains 'evil dream' was now as I did when I first read this at the start of the movie.
Not even the greatness of Ray Wise can save us here.
It's just so intensely boring, it takes an age for the Swamp Thing to even show up and when he does it's not like he even does anything interesting. He just throws goons around.
The female lead in this is more of a threat. To the nards!
Swamp Thing then gets his arm cut off which is notable because he spends however long in direct sunlight with no obvious effect.
But when he gets captured and stretches to reach his hand into the slightest hint of sunlight, his arm magically grows back. Bullshit.
Then the villain decides to drink this potion stuff because he thinks it will make him into a super genius but it just turns him into this weird boar looking thing. Don't ask me. It's funny though because you'd think he'd have a lot of strength or whatever being this 6ft+ hulking pig creature and would just go around clubbing people, but he still picks up a sword before he confronts Swampy and ends up stabbing the girl.
I only mention that because otherwise it just looks like Swampy is copping a feel here. He's just healing her wound, honest!
Who am I kidding, he's a dirty perv. He even watches her bathing in the swamp. This one is kinda funny because apparently this scene got left in a PG version they released on DVD and it caused quite a shit storm. You know those parents, hideous green monster going around attacking people. Fine. Nipples? Outrage.
Thankfully he wrestles away the sword and puts us all out of our misery by slaying the pig man. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! TL;DR, this movie blows. Whilst it does pick up toward the end when vaguely interesting and amusing stuff actually starts happening, you'd have lost interest way before then, if not fallen asleep entirely.