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  1. Here's a fun way to start the season. I'm cherry-picking random headlines for each team: AL East! Baltimore knows how it's done: Efren up, Hoes down. Red SAWX are hosting a snowboarding event next month in Fenway. Somewhere, Dennis Boyd twitches. The Yanks are paying Ivan Nova $4.1 million because cripes everyone seems overpriced around here. Dickerson to the Rays, giving them exactly one and one half Desmond Jennings types. Tulo better work out as a good leadoff guy...'cause Drew Storen ain' stealing bases this year. AL Central! Noted underachieving team makes unexpectedly shrewd move, so long as nobody gets all aggro off the bench. Albert Belle will be an inductee into the Indians Hall of Fame, provided he's not in Fenway alongside Boyd. J.D. Martinez could cause Detroit to have its first arbitration hearing in 15 years. The Royals have two former Braves pitchers that I really liked and I still hate them. I'd post something about the Twins here, but really, they have done next to nothing that interests me. AL West! Astros' GM believes they're built "to go the distance", not realizing that every team will play 162 games regardless. Alliteration Alert Activated:  Angels Acquire Al Albuquerque With no beard rival to speak of, Josh Reddick once again slinks to the A's right field spot. Someone is honestly trying to suggest Nelson Cruz may not be the best DH option in Seattle. D. A. F. U. Q. Question mark. Texas' Dillon Tate manages to look in his 20s before the pitch, in his 30s during the stretch, and then like D-Von during the delivery. NL East! Atlanta's Freddie Freeman is selling his Georgia home, which is surprising because he's a known player still technically in Atlanta. Also, I've realized that whiskey is not the best drink for a baseball season. I've switched to everclear flavored with bleach. No link for Miami, just gonna say I'm confident Barry Bonds will be starting by the end of the year. The Mets signed arguably my favorite player in the majors. Andy Galdi goes from Google to Philly. Inspired, Atlanta poaches Garrett Gruener from ask.com. BRONSON ARROYO IS STILL FINDING WORK! NL Central! Blockbuster deal sends Julio Tehran to the Cubbies and Jorge Solar to Atlanta. BRONSON ARROYO HAD MULTIPLE TEAMS INTERESTED!? Miller Park renovations included improved kids' area, more executive suites and cleaner suicide booths. Pittsburgh starting Jaso at first, firmly believe Starling Marte is just the man to play 162 in games left field. Just read all these stories about the Cardinals and then tell me they're not MLB's Patriots. NL West! The Diamondbacks are doing their best Dodger impression, complete with signing Howie Kendrick. Colorado getting ready to give CarGo the Big Papi Treatment. No sarcasm here: Dodgers do classy thing. The Padres took Christian Bethancourt because mediocre catchers are like, their thing, man. MySpace founder offers to pay for Anthony Kiedis' Giants salary.
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