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Berner Street Wrestling Rebooted


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Berner Street Wrestling Rebooted

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The year is 2012 and the world of professional wrestling is not as we know it now.

I am standing on the Sydney Harbour Bridge with two burly guys gripping my arms and a gun pressed to my temple. Earlier that day I’d been the happiest man in the world. Declared by PWI as ‘the #1 wrestling promoter, not only in Australia, but in the world”.

In just seven years I had taken six misfits wrestling on a gym mat in my back yard and I had somehow turned Berner Street Wrestling into the single greatest wrestling promotion in the world. Nobody had heard of Sir Quincy Penfold or Spanky or Avatar when I had started, but now they were all household names. Yesterday, Sunday June 24th 2012, Berner Street Wrestling Lunadome had shattered all previous records for PPV buy-rates. I was a millionaire at twenty eight and I had capped it all off by getting down on bended knee, producing a freakishly expensive diamond ring, and asking Sophie to marry me.

Life was perfect.

How then, had it come to this? How was it that the most powerful man in professional wrestling was suddenly standing on a bridge with a gun to his temple and the threat of urine in his loins?

“Mr. McMahon wanted you to know it’s nothing personal,” the bigger of the two men assures me even as his offsider takes my wallet from my pocket, “This is strictly business”.

Mr. McMahon isn’t Vince McMahon. He, sadly, suffered from a heart-attack in 2009 and had to retire. Shane McMahon now runs the company, and the guy is a cold blooded, sadistic killer when it comes to business. The less said about what he did to Dixie Carter, the better.

“Nothing personal!? You’re going to kill me”.

“Yeah,” the guy confirms, “But it’s not you he wants to kill. He wants Berner Street Wrestling dead. The best way to do that is to kill you”.

He had a point, but I still failed to see how my imminent demise was not ‘personal’.

”Got any last words?”

I’d been saving it for a rainy day. For an inevitable apocalypse or the untimely death of a loved one.

“All you need to do is press this button and you’ll go back to the point we decided on,” Rowland’s voice in my head reminded me of what I had to do, “Just hit the button and you’ll go right back to where it all began. Not in this world, but in an alternate reality. Most things will be the same, but the thing you were trying to avoid won’t happen”.

It was ludicrous, of course. How had a guy who dropped out of high school to work at a local electronics store managed to find a way to ‘bookmark’ a point in time and then found a way to splinter the universe at the push of a button?

But I didn’t have any time for doubts. I had a gun against my head and I was seconds away from a bullet in the brain pan and the long drop into Sydney Harbour. I took a deep breath and I pressed the button…

******************************************************

I woke with a start. Is there any other way to wake up in a narrative? For a panicked moment, I was still standing on Sydney Harbour Bridge and still about to die.

Then I realized that a few minor details had changed. I wasn’t on Sydney Harbour Bridge – I was on my bed. I wasn’t standing – I was lying down. And I didn’t have a gun to my head – I was just lying on my DVD remote.

“You there,” I leapt to the window and shouted at a skater kid skating by, “What day is this?”

“Fuck off, faggot”.

Not the answer I’d hoped for. Plan B. I checked my computer clock. It was April 1st, 2007. A fine day for a cosmic practical joke. Rowland and I had decided on June 1st, 2005. What was I doing here? Berner Street Wrestling was already doing good business at this point. What the hell was going on?

“Sophie!”

“What?” Angry and irritable. From someplace else in the house.

“When’s our next show?”

A long pause. Was she ignoring me?

“What?”

“When is our next show? When is Super Spectacular?”

A pause.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Berner Street Wrestling”

“Where the hell is Berner Street?”

********************************************

I must have looked like a madman as I burst out onto the street in nothing more than my boxers and a worried frown.

The street I emerged onto was not a sun dappled, sand dusted road leading to Merewether Beach. No convertible cars sped past full of bikini clad beauties.

Instead I stood on a quiet country road – cars meandering lazily by like flies buzzing uselessly at a window. A dog across the road paused from its genital tongue bath to look at me with bored eyes. And at the end of the road, before the town gave way to rolling hills and sparse bush land, a sign:

You are now leaving Glen Innes – Celtic Capital of Australia

Glen Innes. Six hours drive from Newcastle where I’d founded Berner Street Wrestling. Glen Innes. The painfully sleepy country town from which I’d fled at the earliest opportunity. The home of my family and a motley crew of loser friends I’d left behind, bullies who never seemed to let go of the tenth grade, and teachers who still looked at me as that kid who never lived up to his potential.

A sane man might have counted his blessings and tried to forge something new for himself.

I never claimed to be a sane man. Berner Street Wrestling would be reborn, and this time, I’d kill Shane before he killed me.

*********************************************

That’s right, guys, it’s back. Maybe I’m lazy – but I’ve always wanted to come ‘back’ to Berner Street. I tried resurrecting it once before with a new game and a crazy story, and I just couldn’t deal with the influx of new talent. I have begun again in 2007 using the latest High Voltage stats as a backyard company with 0 PI. I have begun the game on easy, but should I notice we’re rising just a little bit too quickly, I won’t hesitate to kick things up a notch.

Right off the bat I’m going to warn you that you will see recurring characters. You’ll see the Sir Quincy Penfolds and the Avatars and the Bee Mans and the other BSW ‘originals’. It was guys like this that made me like Berner Street Wrestling enough to write four years worth of game time for it, and guys like them who made BSW what it was.

But rest assured this won’t be a simple reposting or rehashing of old ideas. There will be old characters, sure, but plenty of new ones. If all goes to plan, this incarnation of Berner Street Wrestling may well outlast its predecessor.

There may be ‘in’ jokes that reference the original here. If you’re confused, take a look here:

/forum/index.php?showtopic=23965&hl=">http://www.ewbattleground.com/forum/index....c=23965&hl=

And all of your questions will be answered. Eventually.

Enough explaining, back to the topic at hand.

************************************************

The State of Wrestling

The ‘ranking’ of promotions in the world looks a little like this:

1. World Wrestling Entertainment

2. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling

3. Ring of Honour

4. Wrestling Society X

5. Combat Zone Wrestling

6. Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre

7. Asistencia Asesoria y Administracion

8. Pro Wrestling Guerilla

9. IWA: Mid South

10. Heartland Pro Wrestling

11. Ultimate Pro Wrestling

12. International Wrestling Cartel

13. Jersey All Pro Wrestling

14. IWA: Puerto Rico

15. NWA Anarchy

16. World Wrestling Council

17. East Coast Wrestling Association

18. UWA Hardcore Wrestling

19. Pro Wrestling Unplugged

20. International Wrestling Syndicate

21. Chaotic Wrestling

22. Extreme Canadian Championship Wrestling

23. NWA: Shockwave

24. New York Wrestling Connection

25. Stampede Wrestling

26. World Xtreme Wrestling

27. IWA: East Coast

28. Border City Wrestling

29. NWA: Pro Wrestling Express

30. Full Impact Pro

31. CWF Mid Atlantic

32. Pro-Wrestling WORLD-1

33. CHIKARA

34. Shimmer Women’s Athletes

35. Berner Street Wrestling <--------------- YOU ARE HERE

When I hit that button on that fateful moment in 2012 – just five of us remained. Berner Street Wrestling standing inexplicably at the top of the pile, a fast fading WWE in second, Ring of Honour in third, TNA in fourth, and a somehow global World Wrestling Council. Five promotions with worldwide reach, and nothing underneath.

The #1 superstar in the world, at that time, was Avatar. In 2007, however, I wouldn’t even know where to find the guy. In 2007, the top guy in the world is a two horse race between the WWE’s Triple H and TNA’s Kurt Angle. The Great Khali is being gifted a push his talents don’t deserve, internet wrestling fans are still waxing lyrical over CM Punk, and TNA is squandering more opportunities than I did at college. Trust me, that’s a lot of opportunities.

And what of Berner Street Wrestling? Thankfully, whatever Rowland did transplanted the major players from Newcastle to Glen Innes with me. Sophie, Magro, and I still share a flat – albeit a considerably more attractive one in a considerably less attractive locale. Murray’s parents are still dead, and he’s still rich. He’s also still gullible and willing to part with his money.

So, with $525 in hand, Murray and I went on a shopping trip I’d been on once before. We bought a serviceable ring, pilfered Magro’s bike bell to use as our ring bell, got a tacky kid’s title from Crazy Clark’s to act as our belt, and spent the spare money on a few cartons of beer. Despite the fact I’ve somehow skipped two years of my life, apparently nothing has happened. Go figure.

Finding wrestlers in a town of three thousand in the centre of Australia’s farming capital wasn’t an easy task – but then again, neither was turning guys like Count Kebabula, Skid Row, The Dungeon Master, and Trivia Lee into the kind of talents that bigger promotions steal. After a few days of arduous searching, Berner Street Wrestling had a roster that looked exactly like this:

Bee Man: A masked luchadore who, despite never setting foot in a ring, enjoyed cult success in the original Berner Street Wrestling. A decent flyer and technical worker, his vocabulary is sadly limited to buzzing like a bee. Accepting payment in the form of honey.

Disco Jesus: He’s the saviour of mankind, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to have a good time. To quote The Family Guy, his next trick will be ‘turning water into funk’.

Kenny Bruce: I somehow managed to end up in an alternate reality where Even Colder Austin (better known as VB Knuckles) is still in the industry and I’m still stupid enough to hire him. I introduce Kenny Bruce, working class battler and borderline alcoholic.

Mr. Charisma: I learned from my past mistakes. There is no way that a good looking, arrogant, girlfriend stealing son of a bitch can be a legitimate babyface. Mr. Charisma is everything the people in Glen Innes are not – successful, handsome, and able to resist the siren song of his buck-toothed cousin.

Ms. Crystal: The token charismatic valet, this one a six foot six failed basketball player with a distinct man hating streak. Not much of a worker, but her passion means she can cut a mean promo. To be honest, I didn’t want to hire her, but you try saying no to a six foot six black woman when she’s got you by your throat.

Shemus: A drunken Irish guy. What? That’s not stereotypical at all. I figure that being the nation’s Celtic Capital, a token Irish guy needs to be on the roster.

Sir Quincy Penfold: That’s right – it’s the original Sir Quincy Penfold. No numbers here, folks, he’s the numero uno. Still British, still able to cut a promo, and still destined for mediocrity, no doubt.

Skid Row: Everybody’s favourite homeless guy finds himself in Glen Innes as the sole homeless guy for two hours in any direction. Convincing him to give up his bench on Dixon Park beach was difficult, but now he’s here he’s settled into the comfortable husk of a burned out old house.

The Dungeon Master: Another familiar face, I couldn’t resist bringing back The Dungeon Master if only for the ample opportunity it will give me for lame, nerdy jokes that only 10% of people will get. Substantially more talented than the ‘original’ Dungeon Master.

With a roster, a belt, and a wrestling ring – the only thing that needed to happen now was for us to host a show. Once again I managed to rope Magro into acting as a road agent and Sophie as my catch-all assistant, financial advisor, and object of unrequited affection. A writer comes in the form of Carl Summers, editor of the spelling error riddled Glen Innes Examiner, my perennially stoned friend Stuart acts as our referee in exchange for free Doritos, local radio DJ Kevin Marx is the man on the microphone, and my mother brings her First Aid Certificate to the role of medical supervisor for the promotion.

Our sponsors come in the form of Guyra Abattoir, Eastmon’s Camera House, the local wing of the Church of Latter Day Saints, and local nerd shop, Toxic Dreams.

With nothing else to do and a hell of a long way to go before we’d reach the top, I began getting word of mouth out about our first show: Bernerdome.

Berner Street Wrestling presents: Bernerdome

The Berner Street Wrestling title will be on the line in a four way elimination main event, but which four stars will qualify? Eight men will square off and four will go through to the main event. Who will have the honour of becoming the first ever (in this universe, anyway) Berner Street Wrestling champion?

Mr. Charisma vs. Disco Jesus: If there’s one thing a Greek idol like Mr. Charisma knows, it’s all things John Travolta. Will his close study of Saturday Night Fever give him some insight into how to defeat the Messiah of Funk?

Kenny Bruce vs. Sir Quincy Penfold: There couldn’t be a more iconic struggle than that of working class Australia against whiny British wankers like Sir Quincy Penfold. Can Bruce score a point back for dragging us into two World Wars?

Bee Man vs. The Dungeon Master: The Bee Man finally steps into the ring, and he’s facing off against the nefarious Dungeon Master. Can you critically hit an insect? I know you can’t do it to undead. Where’s my Dungeon Master’s Guide?

Skid Row vs. Shemus: Sir Quincy Penfold might have trouble telling these two apart. One’s a homeless Australian drunk, and one’s an Irish drunk staying at the local backpackers. Will Skid Row be able to find a new home in sleepy Glen Innes? Or will Shemus draw energy from Australia’s Celtic capital to book himself a place in a huge main event?

Edited by Misanthrope
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Berner Street Wrestling: Bernerdome

The crowd of three doesn’t have to fight for seats, as I’d again foolishly bought twenty five despite knowing full well it could be years before we could draw a crowd of that size. When you run the biggest company on earth, you sometimes forget your humble roots.

The three paying customers include my popular younger brother, my elderly neighbour, Marcel, and an overweight guy in an Undertaker shirt. As he produces a bag of Skittles from his pocket, I wonder how long he’s waited for an opportunity to see live wrestling in Glen Innes.

-- Charisma is Coming --

The crowd roars its ambivalence as Mr. Charisma creates history by being the first person to ever appear on a Berner Street Wrestling show aside from my mother, who insisted on sweeping the ring before we stepped into it.

Charisma: Ho-ly shit. So this is the country, huh? I’m surprised you stooges even have power on. Hey you, fatty, don’t you have a cousin you should be knobbing? No? (Pause) Sister? No? (Longer pause) Brother?

The fat guy is blushing bright red, my brother is laughing his ass off, and I’m 99% sure that Marcel is deaf.

Charisma: Tonight I introduce the world to the next step in the sexual revolution. Forget about heterosexuality. Forget about homosexuality and bisexuality. Forget about metrosexuals, transsexuals, and…uh… other-sexuals. As of tonight, the only kind of sexual that matters is Charisma-sexual. There is an abundance of wang in the crowd tonight, I see, but that’s only because my sexual musk hasn’t gotten out yes. Tonight, after I beat Techno Buddha or Hard Rock Joseph Smith or whatever the fuck he is, the musk will be rich in the air. It will penetrate the ladies and it will infuriate the men. And come next month, when I am Berner Street Wrestling champion, it will draw the crowds in their thousands. IF YA SMELL….

I cut him off there. I didn’t need to piss the WWE just yet. A solid opening segment worth 46%

-- Disco Jesus vs. Mr. Charisma --

It takes about five minutes for Disco Jesus to grapevine his way down to the ring, and when he does he’s clotheslined back to the 1970s by Mr. Charisma. The pre-match promo gets the crowd into this one and Disco Jesus’ insistence on breaking off from offence to bust into the Hustle certainly keeps the crowd amused. Unfortunately, the Hustle hasn’t been a valid wrestling technique for some time now, and Mr. Charisma soon ties up the opening match in BSW history with the Charisma Cutter for the 1-2-3. Charisma advances to the elimination four way for his chance at the World Title!

RATING: 44/18/71

-- Meet Sir Quincy Penfold --

After Disco Jesus finishes dancing his way out of the ring, seemingly nonplussed by his defeat, he is confronted on his way to the ring by a handsome young Englishman with a cocky swagger and a condescending grin.

SQP: Hold a second, young scallywag. Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for something called…

He produces a crumbled piece of paper from his tights.

SQP: ‘Berner Street Wrestling’. Apparently it’s some two bit promotion run out of a town full of bumpkin colonials. Sounds positively BEE-eastly. But, like all good Englishmen, I am a good Samaritan and I’m willing to do my part to help my distant criminal relatives. Could you perhaps direct me there?

Disco Jesus indicates to the ring with a series of Saturday Night Fever style finger points, but Penfold looks confused.

SQP: No, no, no. Not the discothèque. I’m looking for B-E-R-N-E-R S-T-R-E-E-T W-R-E-S-T-L-I-N-G.

Disco Jesus, apparently restricted to communicating entirely through the medium of dance, shrugs and disco dances out of sight. Penfold somehow spots the blatantly obvious ring in the middle of the yard and makes his way there.

SQP: So this is Australia? (He sniffs the air) Well, it certainly smells like I’d have imagined it. That mixture of sweat, fear, and… poverty. Yes, it’s certainly every bit as ghastly as I was told by my grand papa, Sir Quincy Latrine the Eighth.

He sighs dramatically.

SQP: But I have agreed to appear in front of this ‘crowd’, which seems an elaborate way of describing three failures, and I will honour my gentleman’s agreement. Alright, bring out whatever scrub it is you want me to humiliate and let this be done. I need a sherry.

Kenny Bruce’s arrival comes to the tune of the classic ‘Victoria Bitter’ advertising jingle, and he chugs a can of said beer as he makes his way to the ring.

Kenny: What da fuck are you talkin’ about? Samaritans? Gentlemen’s agreements? Mate, I don’t know if you realise this, but you’re in Glen Innes. You’re in Australia. And down here, we don’t take too kindly to big word using, sherry drinking faggots like you. So I’m going to come in there and I’m going to kick your ass and then I’m going to drink some beer. You got that, Cochise?

The crowd reaction bounced between hostility and amusement, and this segment draws an impressive 54% rating.

-- Sir Quincy Penfold vs. Kenny Bruce --

Bruce doesn’t waste any time here, wading into the ring and laying Penfold out with brutal punches and generic brawling. His repertoire is eerily Stone Cold like, right down to the Lou Thesz Press and the mud hole stomping in the corner. Penfold plays the cowardly fop to perfection, but gets the ascendancy when he’s able to slide out of the ring and then blindside Bruce with a clothesline as he pursues him. From here, Penfold controls things with rest holds and targeting of Bruce’s left knee (most of which Bruce no-sells because he’s a jerk-off), and manages to pick up the win after whipping Bruce into the exposed turnbuckle and getting the schoolboy pin with a handful of tights.

RATING: 33/19/48

-- The Dungeon Master Doesn’t Fear Combat Rating 1 Creatures --

The Dungeon Master is on his way out to the ring, the skinny looking cruiserweight wearing a faded Pantera t-shirt and camouflage pants. He clutches a similarly faded Spiderman comic to one side, and a bag of what would appear to be dice hangs from his tights in a gross parody of testicles.

DM: “You round the corner and see ahead of you, shrouded in the evening fog, some kind of ancient proving grounds – a wrestling ring of sorts. Beyond that… treasure. But between you and the untold wealth stands… a bee”.

The Dungeon Master’s laughter quickly devolves into snorting.

DM: Forgive me if I’m not intimidated. A bee? A bee? Seriously, I am clearly too high level to be fighting a bee. He’s not even a giant bee or an infernal bee or anything like that. Just a bee. A bee man. Can’t I just take twenty and collect my reward?

I’m not sure he was asking. The fat wrestling geek in the front looks like he’ll consider saying something, but a sharp look from my brother silences him.

DM: Now I…

A high pitched buzzing, more reminiscent of a mosquito than a bee, sets teeth on edge as Bee Man ‘flies’ out to the ring. By flying I mean that he runs with his arms outstretched and hums loudly. He buzzes lazily around The Dungeon Master for a few moments, before the DM swats him and the bell rings.

The segment itself draws a satisfactory 42% rating.

-- The Dungeon Master vs. Bee Man --

Believe it or not, but this is a standout match of the evening. The two cruiserweights turn on a great little spot fest that actually gets a reaction out of the crowd that isn’t mild contempt. Bee Man is the real stand-out, but the two turn out some good chain wrestling with the standard hurricanranas, head-scissor takedowns, and planchas. The Dungeon Master controls things early on when he racks Bee Man up and takes him down with a Dragonsteiner. That almost picks up the win, but a last gasp Bee Man kick out signals a revival from the black and yellow clad luchadore, who ends up picking up the 1-2-3 and booking a place in the four way title match with a 450 senton splash that our commentator calls Protect the Queen.

RATING: 50/16/85

-- Skid Row vs. Shemus --

The drunken Irishman is the first out to the ring, the good looking young guy looking just a little disappointment at the lack of women in the crowd. Me, I was just disappointed in the crowd in general. Skid Row’s music hits but there’s no sign of him, so I had Magro shake him into consciousness and he staggered to the ring.

The match itself is surprisingly decent, the two brawling around the ring in what a match that bears striking resemblance to something out of Bumfights. At one point the battle spills to the outside, where Skid Row drop toe holds Shemus into the stairs before making his way through the crowd asking for money. None is forthcoming, and things are made worse for him when a dropkick from Shemus floors him.

The match remains outside the ring for the most part, spilling back into the ring for a finish which sees Skid Row low blow his Irish opponent and then go to the top rope for his Spare Change senton bomb.

RATING: 41/13/70

-- Mr. Charisma vs. Sir Quincy Penfold vs. Bee Man vs. Skid Row for the BSW World Title --

I’d like to think that there’s an air of expectation over my backyard as the four men make their way out to the ring. I’ll settle for anything better than mild discontent. With two bad guys, a hobo, and a seemingly babyface bee man in the match – the support seems to be behind the servant of the hive for this one.

Mr. Charisma is the first eliminated from the title race when he walks into a dropsault from Bee Man and into a roll-up from Skid Row. The 1-2-3 sees a furious Mr. Charisma eliminated from the match, but he’s not done. He rolls to the outside and returns with what appears to be a can of spray on deodorant, blinding Skid Row with it! Skid Row stumbles right into Sir Quincy Penfold, who puts him down with a DDT. Skid Row stumbles to his feet and into For Queen and Country (Matt Hardy’s Side Effect). Bee Man is too busy drop-kicking Mr. Charisma out of the ring to make the save, and Skid Row gets eliminated after the 1-2-3. The Berner Street Wrestling title will be decided in a duel to the death between an Englishman and a bee. Never before has so much rested on the battle between a man and a winged insect. Wouldn’t DDT be useful here? Oh, obscure references to old pesticides! I love them!

Having sent Mr. Charisma packing, Bee Man comes off the ropes and takes Penfold down with a flying headscissor takedown. The fans get behind Bee Man at this point, but Penfold’s dastardly English tactics see him control things for a time. He hits a German suplex with a bridge, and looks certain to get the 1-2-3 until he hears the commentator call it such. He breaks the pinfall and wastes time yelling that it’s an English suplex, and the Germans stole it. This allows Bee Man to whip him into the corner. STINGER SPLASH! Penfold’s down! Bee Man goes to the top rope and signals for Protect the Queen! He flies! Penfold moves! Bee Man crashed and burned! Penfold covers, but Bee Man kicks out!

Frustrated, the Englishman rolls to the outside and produces a Union Jack flag. He tosses it into the ring, missing the referee and blowing the spot. The referee, bless his heart, goes down despite having no contact having been made with him. This, at least, allows Penfold to follow up with his next nefarious plot – using a set of brass knuckles to clobber Bee Man. When the referee recovers from his ‘accident’, he does so in time to see Sir Quincy Penfold hit For Queen and Company for the 1-2-3. Sir Quincy Penfold is the first ever Berner Street Wrestling champion!

RATING: 45/23/68

BEST SEGMENT: Sir Quincy Penfold interview

WORST SEGMENT: Sir Quincy Penfold vs. Kenny Bruce

MOTN: Bee Man vs. The Dungeon Master

SHOW MVP: Sir Quincy Penfold

ATTENDANCE: 3 ($30 income! Subway for me!)

So, the first ever (kinda) Berner Street Wrestling show earned me $30 in addition to a fairly decent amount of sponsorship. Sadly, worker costs and such mean that we lost money this month. Murray, my oh-so-generous idiotic benefactor, seemed fine with that. But then, if I’d murdered my parents for the inheritance and had that hanging over my head, I’d probably struggle to care about much else too.

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And so from the ashes Berner Street Wrestling is reborn. I think it's fitting that since BSW was one of the first diaries I read on EWB that I return to read it's rebirth. Hilarious as usual CWB. I dislike what you are doing to Bee Man but I am willing to wait and see him rise up and overcome. And hurry up and bring Phoenix back.

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Two quick points as I'm on my way out the door:

1. There MUST be a Techno Buddha showing up somewhere in this "alternate reality." I would mark so hard, I'd likely hurt myself.

2. If there's a Penfold, where is Danger Mouse? :shifty:

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1. There MUST be a Techno Buddha showing up somewhere in this "alternate reality." I would mark so hard, I'd likely hurt myself.
Edited by Misanthrope
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I have to admit, I liked what I saw of the first one and hated not seeing it from the start.

Your one of my favourite Dome writers so this should be an awesome journet, and I'll get to read along as well :D

Keep it up Misanthrope (Y)

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The Glen Innes Church of Latter Day Saints presents…

Backyard Bonanza ‘07’

The only way is up… baby. After three fanatics turned out for our first ever show, anything less would have been a disappointment. Thankfully, the fat wrestling fan came along and this time brought a lady friend. Spare me your looks of confusion – I realise that it is immensely sad that fat wrestling fan has a girlfriend while I continue to pine for Sophie’s affections.

No, there have been no new developments on that front. My decision to adapt Fountains of Wayne’s ‘Stacey’s Mom’ to ‘Sophie’s Hot’ did not score me any brownie points.

So, in addition to the same three who came last month and wrestling nerd’s girlfriend, we were also graced with the presence of an only slightly inebriated local Aboriginal man. He was even nice enough to pass his cask of white wine around.

-- A Champion Has Been Crowned --

In a more perfect world we’d have had God Save The Queen playing, a Union Jack flying, and streamers falling from the sky. In this world, Sir Quincy Penfold’s first ever appearance as Berner Street Wrestling champion was considerably less flashy. A local band geek did a passable job of playing Rule Britannia on his oboe and Penfold had to fly his own flag. He even got a boo, bless his cotton socks.

SQP: Oh glorious day! Rule Britannia indeed! For decades now you upstart colonials have lauded your hollow victories in cricket, football, and both rugby codes over us – and now I can throw it all back into your faces! How de-LITE-ful! Up yours, Ricky Ponting. Up yours, Andrew Johns. And up yours, Australia! You can all feast on my spotted dick!

This drew a look of disapproval from my mother. I keep telling her that I don’t need a full time ring sweeper and scone preparer, but I think Penfold’s been in her ear about the scones.

SQP: Tonight I have been asked to once again grace the Berner Street Wrestling ring by facing off against the so-called ‘Bee Man’. I must say, we both have one trait in common. We both serve and adore our Queen! Of course, in my case it is that pillar of wisdom, virtue, and stately beauty – and in his case it’s a writhing, bloated insect. Oh, and speaking of bloated, it is so wonderful to see this rotund gentleman in the front row has found himself a scrubber to call his own. Or has she merely been caught in your gravitational pull? Either way, kudos to you, my amply bosomed colonial brother. I salute you!

The high pitched win of Bee Man’s music prevents Sir Quincy from further scarring one of our few audience members – the bee suit clad high flying coming off the top turnbuckle and catching Penfold in the chest with a well executed drop kick. The champion rolls to the outside, leaving Bee Man to buzz menacingly around the ring.

Bee Man: (Triumphant) Bzzzzz!

The two of them managed to turn this into a decent 52% rated segment.

-- Skid Row vs. Mr. Charisma --

The two workers couldn’t be more contrasted. The irritatingly handsome Charisma (who somehow manages to draw Sophie’s attention despite the fact it’s a different worker and we’re in a parallel existence) struts out to the crowd’s indifference, and he’s soon joined by the irritatingly foul smelling hobo.

The crowd really can’t get into this one. Skid Row and Charisma both came off as bad guys on the first show, and even the cocky antics of Mr. Charisma can’t make the crowd care about a guy who appears to be wrestling in soiled white jocks. Charisma doesn’t let the scent (and the tactile sensation) distract him – and picks up the win with a Charisma Cutter.

RATING: 32/7/66

-- What Can We Do With a Drunken Irishman? --

I have to admire Shemus’ dedication to his craft. When I met him sleeping outside the Club Hotel at 5am, he told me of his dream to back-pack around Australia and ‘shag a bunch of Australian women’ and I had to be a part of that. Not in a lewd sexual way, but in a way that allows me to exploit his desperation by booking him in an insurance free wrestling federation.

You can imagine my surprise then, when his professionalism lead him to consume two bottles of Canadian Club prior to the show, all for the betterment of his portrayal of a drunk Irishman.

The fans were amazed by this somewhat confusing promo before his match against The Dungeon Master.

Shemus: S’Alright (Hic) I’z here now, ‘aint I? So…uh… (Hic) Whadda fuck are you lookin’ at? Haha. Just playin’, brother. You’re alright (Hic) So, I’m...uh....

It devolves from there. Random words such as ‘cunt’, ‘slapper’, ‘ripped’, and (for some reason ‘resucitated’ drift in and out. Eventually he looks to have dozed off, only to jerk into consciousness seconds later to finish with…

Shemus: …best set of tits ever. I don’t know. Fucking midget hairdresser tells me to shut up? Get out of here…. (A long, awkward pause follows) WINNER!

He throws his own arms up in the air, overbalances, and falls onto his ass. He then proceeds to lay in the ring for a few moments, laughing to himself and struggling to breath. Because all locals are generally drunk at some point during the day, however, they made more sense of it – and it drew a 52% rating of its own.

-- The Dungeon Master vs. Shemus --

This match looks certain to be something of a disappointment when a meek Dungeon Master enters the ring and immediately covers the prone Shemus. 1-2-REVERSAL! Shemus reverses the pinfall and rolls up the DM! Was he playing possum? The kick-out saves DM from an embarrassing loss at two.

The match is an improvement on the opening contest, with Shemus’ drunken pratfalls seeming to infuriate The Dungeon Master. An attempted jawbreaker, for example, is blocked when Shemus open mouth kisses the DM on the lips. While the DM rushes around the ring batting helplessly at his lips, Shemus knocks him down with a clothesline and attempts to end the match with the Irish Cloverleaf. This is the Texas Cloverleaf, only drunker. The DM manages to pass his Fortitude save and get to the ropes, whipping Shemus to the corner where he seems to have fallen asleep again. This allows Dungeon Master to go to the top rope, but Shemus is able to rack him up and chop him to the outside!

A drunken suicide dive puts both men down, but the DM’s clearly better suited to the fight. While Shemus wastes valuable time coming onto the fat guy’s lady friend, the Dungeon Master lines him up and near decapitates him with a Critical Hit (strong lariat) from behind. The 1-2-3 finishes things, but Shemus shows characteristic Irish grit to pick himself up and go right back to making fat wrestling fan and his girlfriend incredibly uncomfortable.

RATING: 39/17/71

-- Skid Row vs. Disco Jesus --

The crowd gets up and gets funky (in my mind, anyway) as generic disco music hits and our very own Messiah of Funk dances his way down to the ring for his clash against Skid Row. In fact, while we wait for Skid Row to regain his composure after the earlier loss, Disco Jesus treats us to a near perfect rendition of the Bump.

Skid Row’s arrival is preceded by a handful of an unknown (and undoubtedly disgusting) substance being hurled at Disco Jesus, soiling his otherwise pristine white robes. Disco doesn’t get angry, though, it gets even. It’s Saturday Night Jesus as he goes to town on Skid Row in what proves to be the match of the night.

The end comes with Disco Jesus going to the top rope to hit a Five Star Funk Splash, only to have Skid Row roll away and then drag him into a modified bear hug that sees Disco Jesus’ face pressed firmly into the reeking armpit of Skid Row. He collapses, seemingly unconscious, and Skid Row comes off the top rope with Spare Change for the 1-2-3.

RATING: 45/20/80

-- An Altercation of Sorts --

Once the two leave the ring (and my mother helpfully removes the aforementioned mystery goo), a girlish squeal announces the arrival of Mr. Charisma. He rushes out to the ring, stained with what appears to be vomit.

Charisma: Walker-Bush, I quit! That stooge just threw up all over my new shirt! Even Hugo Boss cannot remove this stench! It was silk, you asshole! Now how will the ladies succumb to my sensual musk!

Shemus staggers into view, an opened (and leaking) bag of salt in one hand and a bottle of water and a rag in the other.

Shemus: Stand still, dammit. I’m tellin’ you, I can get it out. I done it plenty of times, I’m tellin’ you.

He advances on an apparently traumatized Mr. Charisma, who cowers in a corner like a scared little girl.

(I should confess that this entire angle is just one of my many schemes to ensure that Sophie does not fall for Mr. Charisma in this reality. Seriously, their little tryst set me back a good year)

Shemus: Dammit, hold still.

Shemus throws a handful of salt at Mr. Charisma’s already ruined shirt and then follows it with a splash of water. Mr. Charisma’s vanity and love of his silk shirt over-rules his cowardice, and he explodes out of the corner with a clothesline that catches the well intentioned Irishman completely by surprise. He then proceeds to stomp on the fallen drunk, only for AC/DC’s ‘Thunderstruck’ to hit and Kenny Bruce to hit the ring!

Bruce: Listen hear you wog bastard, you don’t kick a bloke when he’s down and you sure as shit don’t come out here crying about a ruined shirt. (Mocking Charisma in a high pitched, girlish voice) I broke a nail! I broke a nail! Somebody help me!

Charisma puffs his vomit, water, and salt covered chest out and advances on Kenny Bruce. The two get into one another’s faces and begin to talk trash, but The Dungeon Master’s arrival avoids a confrontation.

DM: Hold on a second here, gentlemen. I have a proposition that may well slake your respective appetites for violence. What I suggest is an alliance of sorts – myself and Mr. Charisma teaming up against Kenny Bruce and our inebriated friend here. What say you?

Both Bruce and Charisma look confused. The Dungeon Master sighs.

DM: Curse your feeble minds! I suggest a tag match!

This seems to click with the two, and we’ve got an impromptu tag match!

RATING: 49%

-- Shemus & Kenny Bruce vs. Mr. Charisma & The Dungeon Master --

This match is all about Kenny Bruce, really. Shemus is still struggling to regain consciousness after being blindsided by Mr. Charisma, and so Bruce must square off against the two men on his own for some time. He again channels Steve Austin in this one, stamping a mud hole in the DM before taking Charisma off the apron with a hard elbow.

Eventually the numbers game proves telling, and the two heels manage to isolate and beat down Bruce. The hot tag is in the offing, if only Shemus can stumble up those treacherous steps and extend an arm! He does! Shemus swings a series of drunken punches that make no contact before stumbling forward in the kind of drunken punch rush that Jackie Chan made famous in The Legend of Drunken Master. This forces the DM to tag out, and Charisma rubs salt (literally) in Shemus’ eye. There was probably some vomit there too – since the tactic involved choking Shemus out with the ruined ‘silk’ shirt.

The end comes with Kenny Bruce back in the ring, the Aussie battler and inexplicable fan favourite taking both men down with the Don’t Sue Stunner. He covers the Dungeon Master, Shemus tackles Charisma out of the ring, and we get the 1-2-3. The first victories for both Kenny Bruce and Shemus in Berner Street Wrestling! Now only Disco Jesus needs to break his duck.

RATING: 39/24/65

-- Sir Quincy Penfold © vs. Bee Man for the Berner Street Wrestling Title --

Our first ever title defence! Bonus points to whoever can tell me the participants in the first ever BSW title match without looking. I’ll take you at your word.

The fans are firmly behind Bee Man for this one, with the fat wrestling fan particularly vocal in his sledging of our English ambassador. Bee Man comes right out of the gates with some fast paced offense, a series of arm drags and drop-kicks has Penfold reeling against the ropes. A springboard hurricanrana takes the champion down for two, but he’s able to kick out and rake Bee Man’s multi-faceted eyes before rolling to the outside. He’s struggling out through the ‘crowd’, when Bee Man chases and takes him down and gets a nasty case of grass burn by hitting a springboard splash off one of the many vacant chairs.

The two then brawl through the spare chairs, a drop toe hold on Bee Man sending him face first into one of them before Penfold hits a nasty curb stomp on the back of his head for added insult. He then punishes Bee Man further with an English Suplex (and the commentator is sure to call it as such) before dragging Bee Man back to the ring and covering. 1-2-no! Bee Man kicks out! Penfold tries to keep him down, but he begins to buzz loudly and pump his arms. He isn’t! He couldn’t be! He’s BUZZING UP!

Bee Man continues to shake off feeble punches and kicks from Penfold, taking him down with a jawbreaker before coming off the ropes at high speed and catching the Englishman in the chops with a hard dropkick. He whips Penfold to the corner. STINGER SPLASH! Bulldog! Bee Man buzzes noisily around the ring before going to the top rope. PROTECT THE QUEEN! He’s hit it! Cover.

1

2

KICKOUT!

Penfold kicked out! The Englishman has some steel yet! Bee Man isn’t deterred, though, and he whips the champion into the corner before giving chase. A hard elbow stuns Bee Man long enough for Penfold to go to the top turnbuckle and hit a decent moonsault that puts both men down. Cover gets two, but Bee Man isn’t so easily defeated. Frustrated, Penfold again goes to the outside – and this time returns with his BSW World Title. The referee and Penfold struggle over the belt, and Penfold’s early release sends the referee crashing to the mat! In a case of classic weakness, the referee is out cold. Bee Man isn’t, though, and he takes Penfold down with a hurricanrana into a pin! The crowd (well, Magro and I) count to seven before Bee Man realises that the referee is out. He’s checking on him when Penfold clobbers him with the belt and tosses it to the outside.

As the ref gets to his feet, Penfold takes the dazed Bee Man down with For Queen and Country. Cover. 1-2-3! Penfold steals a win and successfully defends his title!

RATING: 45/23/68

The night ends with Sir Quincy Penfold clutching his ill retained title to his heart and backing away from Bee Man, who doesn’t look happy as he watches from the ring. Disco Jesus attempts to lighten the mood by joining Bee Man in the ring and beginning to do the Hustle, but Bee Man’s heart just isn’t in it. The last image from Backyard Bonanza ‘07’ is Disco Jesus dancing his heart out and Bee Man failing to be impressed.

OVERALL: 44%

BEST SEGMENT: Sir Quincy Penfold Interview/Shemus Interview

WORST SEGMENT: Mr. Charisma vs. Skid Row

MOTN: Skid Row vs. Disco Jesus

MVP: Shemus

ATTENDANCE: 5

And in wrestling news...

TNA has risen to Global level, and proceeded to set the world afire with the signatures of Lance Storm and Dan Severn. In the tradition of Diamond Dallas Page, Severn promptly announced his retirement from the business. I guess we'll never get to see The Beast hold the X-Division title now. :(

IWA - Puerto Rico also rose to Cult level, and went just a little bit insane bringing in big name American talents such as Bryan Danielson, Jerry Lynn, Tajiri, and the still living Mike Awesome. International Wrestling Cartel also rose to Cult level, but seemed to be satisfied with having household names such as Vampiro, Alaskan Saito, and a recently unretired Jerry Lawler.

And what of us? In order to avoid more annoying double duty shows, I opened Murray's check book and did a little buying - picking up Matt Classic and Tyler Black to join the BSW family. I toyed with the idea of firing Kenny Bruce, mainly because he's utter shite, but the man lead a four man protest and I caved in.

Sophie: 'Caved in' seems like a pretty tame way of saying it. You gave him a title shot.

What can I say? He's persuasive.

Berner Street Wrestling presents BSW Evil Empire

Disco Jesus clashes vs. The Dungeon Master: Disco Jesus is now the only BSW original without a win to his name. Can he grapevine his way to victory in a do or die clash with The Dungeon Master? Or will he fail his dance check and find himself in hot water?

Mr. Charisma vs. Shemus: There's bad blood between these two after Shemus was responsible for the death of Mr. Charisma's silk shirt. Last month it was Kenny Bruce who got the job done - but now the drunken Irishman will have to go it alone and against one pissed off narcicist.

Bee Man vs. Skid Row: Fresh off an epic title defeat, Bee Man takes on Skid Row in a clash between (according to Sophie) the two biggest draws in the company. Which of these two prodigious talents will secure a win in this truly epic encounter? Plus, Bee Man's promised us a surprise. What could it be? Honey?

Sir Quincy Penfold © vs. Kenny Bruce for the BSW World Title: The Aussie battler has somehow battled his way into the title scene. There's no love lost between Australia and 'mother' England, but surely the Evil Empire's representative will be able to retain his title against a simple colonial. Shouldn't he?

Plus we'll see the debuts of Matt Classic and 'The Evil Canadian' Tyler Black. What role will these two new faces play in the rebirth of Berner Street Wrestling?

How many questions can I ask in one show preview? Seven, apparently!

Edited by Misanthrope
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It's great to see this diary back, man: The previous installment was awesome. It's also great to finally see Bee Man in the ring.

I was worried that you wouldn't have your touch by reworking old guys...then I saw the gimmick of Disco Jesus. Yeah, I can safely say that you're back on all 8 cylinders.

On the other gimmicks- not as big a fan of the Kenny Bruce gimmick (somehow, it didn't seem to have the same kick that Even Colder Austin had EDIT: I got the wrong guy. This doesn't change things, however. Kenny Bruce sucks nonetheless. Arguably more than Quincy in pre-BSW days. ), and I think you've dropped the ball for comedy potential by repackaging Tyler Black. Other than that, it looks great (and you know I'd be reading either way.)

Edited by Reflecto Is My Favorite Poster
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SQP: Oh glorious day! Rule Britannia indeed! For decades now you upstart colonials have lauded your hollow victories in cricket, football, and both rugby codes over us – and now I can throw it all back into your faces! How de-LITE-ful! Up yours, Ricky Ponting. Up yours, Andrew Johns. And up yours, Australia! You can all feast on my spotted dick!
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SQP: Oh glorious day! Rule Britannia indeed! For decades now you upstart colonials have lauded your hollow victories in cricket, football, and both rugby codes over us – and now I can throw it all back into your faces! How de-LITE-ful! Up yours, Ricky Ponting. Up yours, Andrew Johns. And up yours, Australia! You can all feast on my spotted dick!

This proves that this is indeed an alternate universe, because this time Quincy doesn't suck. :)

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You should have given the event the subtitle "plot twists," even though this is wrestling and we use story lines and not plot lines. None the less it is starting to interesting, not that it wasn't before mind. I still say you killed Disco Jesus though.

Edited by RebornInFlames
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I feel it appropriate to mention something before you go any further.

As afioncados of the first incarnation will testify, I have an unnatural love for Skid Row. I would compare it to RavenBlack and Alex Shelley, except I don't want to jump Skid's bones, more take him out for a night on the town and find him some hookers. The man is money, he is Stefan Liv and Needs More Hajj put together, using him is like printing cash.

ALL HAIL SKID FUCKING ROW.

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So, I got ambitious after the ‘success’ that was Under Developed. I was counting the fifty big ones I’d just collected when Sophie coolly leaned over and snatched them from my hands.

Sophie: The company’s got expenses, Chris. We’re turning a loss every month.

Me: We are?

Sophie: I thought you said you were from the future? Wasn’t it the same there?

I guess it had been. When you’re making money hand over fist at the #1 promotion in the world, you tend to forget your humble roots.

Me: Well….uh…yeah.

Sophie: And what did you do?

Me: We got a television show, I guess. Hired bigger stars.

Sophie: Well, we can’t do the latter…

She left it hanging, or maybe she went to answer the phone. I took it as the former and decided to make a few phone calls. It cost me $50 to send out the promo tapes and what did it get me? One response. One response of ‘Uh, no thanks’.

Now I remember why we had an event called Who Needs TV? But that’s not what’s happening this month. No, August is the month of ‘It’s Only Hypothermia’. And if winter in Newcastle was cold – it’s positively frigid in Glen Innes. The place isn’t called New England for no reason.

Berner Street Wrestling: It’s Only Hypothermia

Here’s a crazy fact. Despite the fact that a Saturday night in Glen Innes offers such alternatives as several pubs, a single movie at the local cinema, and the option to spend the evening hanging around the service station eating pies and ogling fourteen year old girls – Berner Street Wrestling drew its single biggest crowd since its inception.

And I can say crowd without having to giggle. We got eleven people. That’s right – we more than doubled our previous record. The usual crew were there in addition to a few of fat wrestling fan’s friends and a couple of guys out for a buck’s party.

-- This is How a Heart Breaks --

It’s perhaps inappropriate that a show being frequented by a buck’s party starts with Tyler Black stalking out to the ring to the strains of ‘The Ghost of You’ by My Chemical Romance. He not only brings the picture frame to the ring to him, but also clutches a bouquet of clearly dead roses.

Black: Romance is dead. I look out at this crowd and I see one or two couples. I see people playing at being blissfully happy because maintaining the illusion of happiness is more appealing to them than simply admitting that their lives are a depressing mess. Me? I’m the smart one. I’ve seen the light and it’s every bit as ugly as the souls of each and every woman in this hick town.

He pauses to let the vocal booing die down.

Black: I guess you’d all like to see me get my ass kicked again tonight, huh?

A resounding ‘yes’.

Black: Well, I’m pleased to disappoint you. It seems that Walker-Bush and his ‘management’ think I’m too depressing. Apparently a broken heart is an injury you can discriminate against, and so I’ve been left off tonight’s card. But I have been given the ‘pleasure’ of introducing tonight’s first match. Feast your eyes on the clash between a delusional shut-in and a guy who has taken ‘living in the past’ to dizzying new heights. Yeah, I’m depressing, but at least I’m realistic.

He shrugs and tosses the rotting bouquet into the crowd, where it is caught by fat wrestling fan’s girlfriend. The 44% rated opening segment gets the crowd nicely depressed as we head into our first match of the evening.

-- The Dungeon Master vs. Matt Classic --

We open with a bang as these two turn it on for an 87% rated clash to kick the night off officially. The pair have a great chemistry and get the crowd pumped up after Tyler’s depressing introduction with some promising chain wrestling that ends with the stand off that typically signifies respect between two evenly matched workers. The Dungeon Master, though, is unused to such alien concepts as ‘respect’ – so thumbs Classic in the eye and follows it up with a Fisherman’s suplex for two.

With the upper hand, the DM controls things for the majority of the match, but gradually gets over-confident. It’s as he goes to the top rope to attempt an uncharacteristic high flying move. It doesn’t pay off, and he’s racked up for the second month running before Classic hefts him onto his shoulders. AEROPLANE SPIN! That’s old school! He drops the dizzy Dungeon Master to his feet where he staggers around before walking into a big boot to the chest from Classic! Leg drop! Cover! 1-2-3! Classic wraps up this 31% cheered segment with an overall rating of 59%. One of, if not the best, Berner Street Wrestling matches in its short history!

-- The Problem with Kenny --

Queen Vanessa and Bee Man come out to a cheer from the crowd. Fun fact: I saw a kid with a home made Bee Man shirt the other day. The two seem to have made up after last week’s little domestic.

Vanessa: Last month, Kenny Bruce attacked me and got a taste of how Bee Man protects his Queen. Tonight, though, Kenny and Bee Man have been asked to team up against Sir Quincy Penfold and Skid Row. The question on everybody’s lips is ‘Bzzz’ or, in English, Bee Man can you cooperate with Kenny Bruce tonight.

Bee Man: (Confident) Bzzz

Vanessa: You can?

Bee Man: (Nodding) Bzzz

Vanessa: Are you kidding!?

Bee Man: (Confused) Bzzz

Vanessa: He attacks me and that’s how you react? ‘Bzzz’? That’s all he draws from you?

Bee Man: (More confused) Bzzz!

Vanessa: Don’t take that tone with me! You’re saying that he made an honest mistake!? How many ‘honest mistakes’ have you made that ended with a woman getting Stunned?

Bee Man: (Explaining) Bzzz

Vanessa: Don’t call me honey! You know how much I hate that! God, you’re so annoying sometimes!

Bee Man: (Peace-making) Bzzz! Bzzz!

Vanessa: (Calming down) Alright. Fine. We’ll talk about this later.

She storms off, leaving Bee Man looking dejected in the ring. The guys at the bachelor party make a few smart ass remarks about how their soon-to-be married friend is in for more of the same to end this 56% rated interview.

-- That’s Not Disco --

Bee Man has just left the ring when Mr. Charisma walks cockily out to the tune of the same name from Frenzal Rhomb. He’s again looking spiffy as he enters the ring and casts a disdainful eye over the crowd.

Charisma: Saturday night and you’re at the wrestling? Je-zuz Christ, that’s depressing. You could be out clubbing and tuning fine women, but you’re here instead. You guys are at a Bachelor Party? Where are the strippers? Where is the alcohol? If I didn’t know better, I’d guess that you were a little… y’know… Like, maybe you boys get a bit excited watching handsome specimens such as myself getting all sweaty with another guy.

The guys really give it to him, but this doesn’t seem to phase him.

Charisma: Look, girls, you can have my autograph later. For now, I’m out here to address the travesty that was Disco Jesus dancing before last month’s show. As a man of Mediterranean descent, I think it goes without saying that Saturday Night Fever is in my blood. You skippies all grew up watching Romper Room and The Wiggles – we Greek Adonis’s were brought up on all things Travolta. Seeing a pasty skinned, afro wearing white kid in robes dancing is sacrilege to me. It’s as bad as killing a cow in front of a curry-muncher or calling Mohammed a dirty poofter in front of a terrorist. That’s why I requested this match tonight. I want a chance to show ‘Disco’ Jesus that he’s no messiah. He’s just a very naughty boy.

He turns to face the house as the 56% rated segment ends – waiting for the arrival of Disco Jesus for their match.

-- Mr. Charisma vs. Disco Jesus --

Disco Jesus certainly took offence at what he must have taken as insults against members of his musical deity stable – the Messiah of Funk hitting the ring with a spinning heel kick to Charisma to send him staggering back into the ropes. A running bulldog puts the charismatic one down before a springboard moonsault gets two.

Charisma recovers smartly by rolling to the outside, but the Son of Man isn’t done. A springboard plancha takes both men down to the cheers of the bachelor party. The risky tactic doesn’t pay off so well for Disco Jesus, though, as Charisma is first to his feet and whips Jesus hard into the ring post. He then tosses him back into the ring and hits a running double foot stomp to add insult to injury. He genuflects before Disco Jesus in a mockery of his religious persuasion before covering, but the messiah is able to kick out at two.

A period of control from Charisma ensues before Disco Jesus has a brief babyface resurgence highlighted by a handspring elbow followed by a miss with the Five Star Funk Splash. Charisma again mocks religion when he hefts Disco Jesus to his shoulders for a Crucifix Powerbomb – making the cover with feet on the ropes for a tainted 1-2-3. The 73% quality match drew a decent 30% reaction from the crowd for an overall rating of 51%

-- Meet Jimmy Tell --

‘Cool to Hate’ by The Offspring hits as a new face makes his Berner Street Wrestling debut. He and Dungeon Master used to team in the Indies, but here he’s known as Jimmy Tell and he’s all scowls as he makes his way down to the ring.

Tell: Disco Jesus, huh? The Dungeon Master? Bee Man!? ‘Ooh, look at me! I run a backyard promotion full of gimmick characters! I’m so edgy and cool! I’m irreverent because I poke fun at Jesus. Take that millennia old religion! Bee Man? What the hell is he supposed to be? Does he think he’s a bee? Or is he just a guy in a suit? It doesn’t make sense, yet all of you idiots lap it up.

The fans begin to realise that this Jimmy Tell character is an asshole, and treat him as such.

Tell: Oh, you’re booing me now? Oh, snap. Well, I guess I’d better pack up and go home. You sure showed me. Please, you booing me is a sign I’m doing the right thing. When a bunch of idiots is booing you – it means they don’t like you, and if losers like you don’t like me, I must be doing something right.

Even more booing!

Tell: So, tonight I’m facing Shemus. Stop the presses – he’s Irish! The name doesn’t give it away at all. And what else? He’s a drunk! Oh, it’s so heart-warming to see that creativity isn’t dead. Clearly you’ve got the next Oscar Wilde or William Shakespeare right here in this humble backyard. I bow before your creative might, o enlightened one! No doubt next month you’ll have me face an evil Canadian or, ‘gasp’, black guy who can rap! You know what? Just bring this asshole out. I’m bored.

The fans hate this newcomer to the tune of 63%. Not a bad debut at all.

-- Jimmy Tell vs. Shemus --

Shemus is popular by default in this one, and the fans get behind him to give this clash a modest 21% rating from the outset. Shemus hasn’t had time to slide into the ring before he’s attacked by Tell – who lays some vicious boots into him before dragging him to his feet and sending him back to the mat with a European uppercut. He further incites the crowd by grinding his heel into Shemus’ face before putting him face first on the bottom turnbuckle before delivering a running boot to the back of the head. A killer curb-stomp, if you will.

With the advantage on his side, Tell continues to control things, talking smack to the crowd before a stalling vertical suplex allows him to slam Shemus to the mat and cover for two. The Irishman’s clearly a sucker for punishment, as his defiance only further infuriates the newcomer. In fact, as far as matches go, this is just about Berner Street Wrestling’s first squash match. After beating Shemus from pillar to post, Jimmy Tell finally puts him out of his misery with a move that the commentator calls Fuck the World. The Argentine DDT buries Shemus’ head in the mat, and he covers for the 1-2-3 to end a 66% rated match and a 43% overall rating.

-- A Message from Your Champion --

The biggest boo of the evening is reserved for the Berner Street Wrestling champion, Sir Quincy Penfold. He's again accompanied to the ring by Skid Row, who tonight takes Penfold's jacket and lights him a cigar before the champion can address 'his people'.

SQP: Over the past month I've received bag upon bag of letters of support from you fans out there. I don't want to toot my own horn, though, so I'll just read a few choice extracts from these letters. 'Courageous fight against the odds' says one, while another says 'The most heart I've seen this side of Valentine's Day'. Yes, it seems the people of Australia have taken me into their hearts and welcomed me with open arms. But I can't say I blame them. For so long Australia has had to be satisfied with achievements in sports such as rugby league and cricket - sports nobody else takes seriously. With my arrival on Australian shores, you finally get to see a winner in action! While I would never stoop so low as to let you make me an unofficial Australian hero - I do encourage all of you to feel free to live vicariously through me. I know that you colonials have precious little to celebrate in your own mundane lives, so it's the least I can do.

He pauses to allow the crowd to realise the generosity of his offer before continuing.

SQP: Now onto tonight's spectacle. It seems that beating Kenny Bruce and Bee Man once was not enough to convince Chris Walker-Bush that this company simply doesn't have anyone talented enough to defeat me. Rather than admit defeat and allow me to have the belt surgically attached to my waist - he's put me up against the two of them again. I was happy with that, but Walker-Bush seems to think that I may need assistance and has allowed me to include my manservant, Skid Row in the match. So, sit back plebian fans, and enjoy a second helping of Sir Quincy Penfold up against the best Walker-Bush can find.

He bows to the crowd and after a confused pause, Skid Row does awful. The segment draws a night high 69% rating.

-- Kenny Bruce & Bee Man vs. Sir Quincy Penfold & Skid Row --

The clash between Penfold and the two contenders to his title immediately captures the crowd's imagination, a 38% crowd reaction ensuring that I'll have noise complaints from my neighbours tomorrow morning. Or, if they're anything like my first flatmate, they'll get revenge by kicking my door open at 4am and banging a pot beside my heart. Dave, I'm still angry.

We start off with Skid Row and Bee Man tangling, and this can only be a good thing. The two more talented workers in the match bounce around the ring with plenty of high flying flair - but it's Skid Row who is able to get the ascendancy after Bee Man's attempted springboard elbow is countered into a hard back breaker variant from Skid Row. The tag is made to Penfold, who plays to the crowd before dropping a few hard elbows into the still prone Bee Man. He covers but Bee Man isn't so easily defeated - kicking out before two to avoid an early end to the evening's entertainment. After a sleeper hold doesn't put Bee Man out, Penfold tags back into Skid Row and holds Bee Man's arm out so that Skid Row can come off the top rope and drop a nasty chop onto it. More control from the 'bad guys' in this 63% quality bout, but the hot tag is an inevitability. Bee Man has been whipped hard to the ropes when he slingshots over Skid Row's head and sends him out of the ring with a dropkick. He then tags out to Kenny Bruce, who gets a respectable pop. Penfold's in to attempt something but walks right into an inverted atomic drop. Skid Row has dragged himself back onto the apron and finds himself suplexed into the ring right on top of his tag partner!

Kenny Bruce is waiting for Skid Row to stand up so he can attempt the Don't Sue Stunner. He's up.... NO! Penfold manages to hit Bruce across the back. The two heels hit a double back suplex on Kenny Bruce before Penfold exits the ring. Skid Row comes off the ropes but cops a knee in the back from Bee Man! He wastes valuable time arguing with the luchadore - and turns around right into a Lou Thesz Press from Bruce! Penfold's back in to break things up, but a springboard hurricanrana from Bee Man takes him out of the equation. Skid Row's to his feet... DON'T SUE STUNNER! Bruce hits his finisher! Cover.

1

2

NO! Sir Quincy Penfold drags Kenny Bruce out of the ring and clobbers him with the BSW World Title! The referee didn't see it! Kenny Bruce is rolled back into the ring as Bee Man runs along the apron and hits a dropkick that sends Penfold tumbling back into the crowd. Back in the ring, Skid Row has staggered to the corner and goes to the top turnbuckle. SPARE CHANGE! The cover. 1-2-3! Bee Man's a fraction too late to make the save, and Skid Row picks up the win over Kenny Bruce after some underhanded tactics from the champion! The 50% rated segment was hurt by Kenny Bruce being a no-selling whore, but it's another new record for Berner Street Wrestling.

That's right, we got:

OVERALL: 53%

BEST SEGMENT: Sir Quincy Penfold interview

WORST SEGMENT: Jimmy Tell vs. Shemus

MOTN: Matt Classic vs. The Dungeon Master

MVP: Matt Classic

ATTENDANE: 11!!!

A rousing success for our humble promotion, and it's encouraged me to put together what I hope is a top class card for next month's event - Cousin Lovin' Good Times.

BSW Presents...

Cousin Lovin' Good Times

Matt Classic vs. Shemus: The oldest school player in the game will be clashing with the Irish drunkard. Can Shemus finally jag a win in Berner Street Wrestling? Or will he too fall prey to some of Classic's moves straight out of the Old Testament?

Mr. Charisma vs. Kenny Bruce: Two of the most volatile, opinionated characters in Berner Street Wrestling will clash here and only one can emerge victorious. Kenny Bruce has twice tussled with the champion and come out the worse for wear - can he get back in the winner's list against Berner Street Wrestling's prima donna?

Jimmy Tell vs. Disco Jesus: Jimmy Tell made a hell of an impact in his debut by demolishing Shemus, but can his negative attitude stand up to the irrepressable energy and Godlike dancing ability of Disco Jesus?

Sir Quincy Penfold vs. Tyler Black: It seems doubtful that Sir Quincy Penfold would understand the concept of heartbreak, so Tyler Black won't get any sympathy in this one. With Ariel/Shelly Martinez sacked from the WWE not so long ago, could the buxom vamp possibly be here to cheer the man she ruined on?

Bee Man vs. Skid Row: A collosal main event as Skid Row is all that stands between Bee Man and another shot at Sir Quincy Penfold's gold. With so much on the line, can Bee Man and Queen Vanessa see eye to eye? And what role will Sir Quincy Penfold play in the match?

More questions and there's only one way to find out the answers! Be in my backyard on September 30th!

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