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Berner Street Wrestling Rebooted


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September

Things have been going pretty well of late. Our 'crowd' is slowly but surely creeping up, and we're starting to get noticed in the greater New England region. The roster is decent and although we're losing money, it seems Murray remains a bottomless pit in this world just as he did in the last.

So, stuff was good, and then came a knock on the door.

Rowland: You remember how you told me I invented a time machine?

I didn't. I daresay I was drunk when I told him that particular anecdote.

Me: Uh... sure

Rowland: So, I got to thinking about what you said and if it was true - you're going to have a problem.

Me: Why's that?

Rowland: Well, obviously something in your previous world took you to being #1 in the world.

Me: Yeah. My brilliance.

Rowland: Uh....

Me: Just keep going

Rowland: Basically, one small thing could be the difference between success and failure. One worker not hired could be the reason you don't make it big.

Me: So?

Rowland: So, if you want to ensure you make it big, you need to make sure that you hire every worker you did last time around. If my calculations are correct, you don't need to use the same character, but you do need to make sure that all of them appear at least once for Berner Street Wrestling.

Me: Even Wonder Fred and Xtasis?

Rowland: Even them.

Me: Even Mr. Kennedy and Paul Birchall? They're in the WWE now!

Rowland: Then you need to get them. Sometime between now and 2012, you need to make sure that every former BSW member appears for the company.

Me: That's insane.

Rowland: That it may be - but one of them played a huge part in making the company what it was, even if it wasn't seen by the crowd or even by you. Missing just one of them could lead to you never making it. Worse, it could lead to you dying again.

Me: So make another time machine.

Rowland: You kidding? In this reality I suffer from shaky hands. I can't build shit.

He left then, leaving me to wonder just how I'd be able to get the likes of Val Venis and Ken Kennedy? How the fuck was I going to get Mike Awesome!?

But I can't let an insignificant detail like having to hire every single member of the original BSW at some point or else I'll die distract me. Not when I've got the wonder of...

Cousin Lovin' Good Times

-- Matt Classic vs. Shemus --

Our evening kicks off with a match between two of (in my eyes) BSW's most talented but least interesting workers. As if to support my belief, the crowd gives this clash a fairly average 24% reaction. The match itself is a fairly straight-forward 74% rated clash between two workers who just don't have the chemistry required to wow a crowd. Shemus gets a rare opportunity to get off some offence including a nasty jawbreaker which he follows up with a high release belly to belly suplex for two. Matt Classic slowly fights his way back into things. He's defending the same Roman Championship that was once held by legends such as Pompey, Caesar, Brutus (after the infamous screw-job), and Romulus and he doesn't want to be the one to drop it to an Irishman.

The 47% rated overall segment quality isn't a bad way to open the show, and Classic avoids an embarassment of historical proportions when he's able to choke Shemus out with the brutality of the torture rack.

-- What About Charisma? --

After Matt Classic has finished celebrating as only a Roman idol can (and no, I don't mean an all man/boy orgy), Mr. Charisma comes out to the ring. He is, as always, looking good in his night clubbing best as he addresses the BSW record crowd of fifteen.

Charisma: Since the inception of Berner Street Wrestling, one man has been constantly overlooked for the title shots he rightfully deserves. One man has, despite being there in the first ever BSW Title match, has been forgotten by the powers that be. For a long time I strained my highly efficient mind trying to figure out what it was. I'm pound for pound the best wrestler in this company. I'm good looking. My merchandise out-sells all others.

To be fair, this isn't a baseless boast. Shameless self promoter that he is, Mr. Charisma had a bunch of Charisma fridge magnets and Mr. Charisma t-shirts made by an uncle in the business. They've so far sold modestly, but he's winner by the two finest words in the English language - de and fault.

Charisma: Then it struck me. I don't know if you stooges have seen what Chris Walker-Bush looks like, but I think it's safe to say he's an unattractive man. You see, he didn't just get hit with the ugly stick. He fell from the top and hit every branch on the way down. He's so ugly that he's like an attractiveness black hole. I'm serious, you lehs. A good looking person standing too close to Chris Walker-Bush will gradually become more and more ugly. It's science. And with this in mind, I realised that there's one simply reason why I haven't received the title shot I deserve. Envy.

The fans begin to boo. I like to think it's out of love for me.

Charisma: And now you're booing to prove my point. Each and every one of you wishes you could have a face like this - that perfect blend of boyish good looks and chiselled masculinity. Every one of you fat, washed up losers wish you could pull on these tight leather pants and not feel embarassed. Button up this expensive silk shirt and know that the only way it's coming off is when a horde of sexually crazed bitches removes it. I'm out at all of the exclusive clubs and I'm nailing all of the exclusive sluts. You, on the other hand, have to make do with cockroach infested pubs and any warm...wet...hole.

Thunderstruck hits as Kenny Bruce appears to exchange words with Mr. Charisma.

Bruce: Mate, that's the Australian way! There's an old saying here in Australia. "If there's grass on the wicket, let's play cricket". You see, it doesn't matter if she's fifteen or fifty. If she's 60 kilograms or 600. The Australian way is to shut your eyes, pinch your nose, and get your end out no matter what the cost. You say you're picky. I say you wouldn't know what to do with your dick in a room full of loose ladies. I say that you get harder looking at yourself in a mirror than you do seeing a good, old fashioned pair of DD tits.

Charisma: I've made love to more ladies than...

Bruce: I don't doubt that, mate. I've never made love to a lady in my life.

Charisma: My point...

Bruce: But I've fucked a shitload.

The crowd cheer this. Never underestimate the idiocy of the masses.

Bruce: And there's another thing I've done a lot of in my life.

Charisma: What's that?

Bruce: Kicked the asses of arrogant wankers like you.

That seems to be the end of this little exchange. A decent 64% rated segment.

-- Mr. Charisma vs. Kenny Bruce --

It's terrifying but true, but a combination of hatred towards Mr. Charisma and being able to relate to the gross stereotype that is Kenny Bruce sees this clash draw an impressive 37% crowd reaction. Scarier still, it's a 75% rated brawl that perhaps shows that Kenny Bruce can produce the goods against the right opposition. The Aussie battler is blind-sided as he entered the ring by some kicks and punches from Charisma, who enjoys the early ascendancy thanks to a combination of rest holds and heelish tactics.

His ego soon gets the better of him, however, as he wastes valuable time by going to his discarded jacket and pulling out his mobile phone to check his messages. He's in the process of returning a missed call to someone called 'Habib' when Kenny Bruce spins him around and lays him out with a clothesline! The fans go crazy as Bruce tries to force the phone into Charisma's mouth before giving up and making do with a shoulder tackle that sends the arrogant adonis spine first into the ring post. Rolling Charisma back into the ring, he flips him off and lays him out with a snapmare before delivering a vicious boot to the back. Things go Bruce's way as the match continues - and he wraps it up with a Don't Sue Stunner for the 1-2-3. He's shut Charisma's mouth, but I somehow doubt that this 56% overall segment will diminish Charisma's opinion of himself.

-- Jimmy Tell's Problem with Women --

The fans set their mouths to 'boo' as Jimmy Tell struts out. The fans last month got to see him demolish Shemus and belittle the product they've slowly grown to love, and expect more of the same from him tonight.

Tell: So, last month I had the 'pleasure' of seeing Bee Man in action. I can give credit where it's due - the kid can wrestle. He might look stupid doing it, but he can wrestle. Points for that. What else did I see? Something was bugging me all month and I wanted to get it off my chest. What was it?

He seems to have genuinely forgotten, but then it strikes him.

Tell: Oh! That's it! Whores. I look at professional wrestling today and I see one thing that remains common across the industry. I see women playing at being the whore. They come out to the ring in tight fitting, low cut, see through outfits and they permeate a stereotype that is slowly but turning innocent young girls across the world into a generation of vacuous sluts. I look out at this crowd and I see further proof of my theory. When did the feminist movement turn from 'equal rights' to 'the right to be a whore'? Since when did women aspire not to achieve greatness in the office, but in the bed? Magazines like Cleo and Dolly have become the modern day equivalent to the bible or the classics. Instead of taking advantage of their increased freedom to pursue intellectual interests or work towards a career - the modern women seems content to worry about her hair, ogle oiled up men on the beach, and keep a running total of the number of times a man has collapsed atop them in unsatisfying orgasm.

The women in the audience (all three of them) are not happy. Their menfolk seem to boo out of support.

Tell: What brought this on? Queen Vanessa. Berner Street Wrestling wants to revolutionise wrestling - yet right off the bat they've hired a pretty girl without any talent and they've forced her down the throats of the idiots who shell out money to see a 'wrestling' show. You all whistle and cheer and encourage this poor, stupid girl to keep doing what she's doing. Queen Vanessa is a feminist icon. She's an icon to what feminism has become. A way for women to be the whores they always were. It was just that men kept them in check. Fuck women.

What got Jimmy Tell so angry? Who knows. But his intense promo garnered a 63% reaction.

-- Jimmy Tell vs. Disco Jesus --

The Messiah of Funk doesn't stand much of a chance in this one - he's on the back foot before he can even get into the ring courtesy of a baseball slide from Tell. The angry young man then proceeds to throw Jesus around the outside - obviously not content with a regular match. Jesus becomes the first BSW wrestler to shed blood at a BSW event (I can't vouch for the time in between shows). Let it not be said that your Lord & Saviour did not bleed for you - although in this case the blade job is the result of a rather brutal brainbuster delivered onto the stairs.

But, like the other son of God, Disco Jesus rises again - enjoying a babyface comeback that sees him hit an awesome top rope hurricanrana that very nearly sees him get the 1-2-3 in this 78% rated clash. The crowd may not be into it much (25%), but Tell shows killer instinct as he goes to work on Disco Jesus' wounded head as the clash winds on. It's like a scene from Passion of the Christ - only Disco Jesus looks more stylish than Jim Caviezel and this match at least attempts to tell a story. That story is a 51% rated segment that finishes with Jimmy Tell hitting Fuck the World for the 1-2-3. A bloodied, broken Disco Jesus can't even fight his way to his feet for a post match dance.

-- The Gauntlet is Thrown Down --

Sir Quincy Penfold is accompanied to the ring by Skid Row, who this month wears the comically small outfit of a royal page. His hair is still an unruly mess, but an effort his been made to tie it back in a pony-tail. Skid Row's normally dirty face is instead a pale white with the make-up French nobles were famed for wearing. For all intents and purposes, he is an English fop.

SQP: So much rage in the air tonight. Mr. Charisma is angry. Jimmy Tell is angry. Women are angry. Well, I come out here tonight with no anger in my heart. No rage warps my perception. You see, I remain Berner Street Wrestling champion despite the best efforts of the motley crew of losers and also-rans that Chris Walker-Bush throws at me. And how is it that I remain champion? Sheer...English...Fortitude. There is a reason why the British Commonwealth is still the greatest empire in the world - and it's not because we're insatiable lovers or mighty warriors. I'm sure both of those played a part. No, the reason we're the greatest empire is that we are a patient, intelligent people. We've won two World Wars. We've created an empire that created nations such as India, the United States, and even this God forsaken prison nation.

This incites the patriotic Australian crowd.

SQP: And myself? I am like the great monarchs who came before me. With my first title win I was creating history. My very presence here is slowly but surely turning Berner Street Wrestling into an empire that will one day rule the world of professional wrestling? And who shall be there to claim all of the glory? Not Bee Man. Not Skid Row. Not Chris Walker-Bush. It will be me, Sir Quincy Penfold. You see, like Alfred the Great, I am the start of something collosal. But Bee Man insists on defying history. This insignificant 'insect' wishes to attempt what the US attempted in their failed Civil War.

Skid Row pipes up at this.

Skid: Uh...sir... the US won that war.

SQP: (Pointing to his head) Not up here they didn't.

There is an awkward pause before Skid Row returns his gaze to the ground and Penfold continues.

SQP: That is why tonight I ask that Bee Man proves his mettle. Proves that he has what it takes to step into the ring with me and experience a little old fashioned British discipline. If he can defeat Skid Row tonight, which I highly doubt, I will show my generous nature by granting him his title short next month at Keg Party.

Penfold seems to be done, as he gestures for Skid Row to leave the ring and calls for his opponent. Like him or hate him, Penfold again delivers the goods with a 67% rated promo.

-- Sir Quincy Penfold vs. Tyler Black --

Predictably, the champion shows how far ahead of the pack he is with a dominant performance against BSW's wrist-cutting, Dashboard Confessional listening little bleeding heart. Despite the fact it's largely a squash match, Penfold's presence lifts this clash to an impressive 38% crowd reaction. Black doesn't get off much offence, and when he does, it's quickly stifled by a Skid Row trip up or a thumb to the eye or a kick to the groin from Penfold. It's a 74% rated squash match with an overall rating of 56% - Penfold picking up the win with For Queen and Country, much to the dismay of the crowd.

-- A Little Motivation --

Skid Row and Penfold leave the ring to discuss strategy before Skid Row's clash with Bee Man tonight, and so it's the challenger and Queen Vanessa who make their way out to the ring next.

Vanessa: Did you hear what he said about me!?

Bee Man: (Angry) Bzzz

Vanessa: Bzzz? Don't you think it warrants a little more than that?

Bee Man: (Angrier) Bzzz!

Vanessa: I see. You don't care at all, do you?

Bee Man: (Angriest) Bzzzz!

Vanessa: You can't say that out here! You'll get arrested!

Bee Man: (Repeating) Bzzzz!

Vanessa: Oh! I love it when you break the rules. You're so bad

Bee Man: (Innuendo filled) Bzzz

Vanessa: You're right, I do need a spanking. I've been bad too.

Bee Man: (Hushed) Bzzz...

Vanessa: Alright. I'll cut you a deal. If you beat Skid Row tonight, I'll wear that lady-bug outfit you're always trying to get me to wear...

Bee Man: (Excited) Bzzz!

Vanessa: Go get him, tiger.

Wouldn't you love to see her in that lady-bug outfit? Mmm! 53%

-- Bee Man vs. Skid Row --

Skid Row returns to the ring sans his page boy outfit, the homeless villain in his more familiar costume of rags, tissue box shoes, and wild, messy hair. The clash draws the biggest crowd reaction of the night - a 40% reaction amounting to just about the loudest things have been in this part of Glen Innes since the last time a drunk went crazy and shot his wife. Last count - three weeks.

Skid Row and Bee Man have tremendous chemistry, and it amounts to a 91% rated thriller full of breath-taking high flying maneuvres and chain wrestling. With a title shot on the line and some tang from Vanessa in the offing - Bee Man is understandably enthusiastic for this clash. As a result, he controls things early on and busts out some tremendous high flying moves including a tornado DDT that gets two, and a corkscrew elbow from the outside that would make Austin Aries jealous. But Penfold is a man who protects his investments, and as Bee Man goes to the top rope to Protect the Queen, the champion is out to tug his leg and ensure that he crashes and burns. Skid Row keeps Bee Man grounded with a few running leg drops before a whip sees Bee Man duck the initial clothesline attempt only to eat a dropkick to the teeth. If Bees had saliva, spit would have flown.

Outside the ring, Queen Vanessa gets in Sir Quincy Penfold's face about getting involved in the clash. She proves Jimmy Tell wrong about her just being a pretty face - delivering an impressive slap to the champion. Apparently his gentlemanly streak doesn't extend to not laying a finger on women - the champion gripping her by the wrists and pulling her in for a savage kiss. Bee Man sees this, though, and a baseball slide sends Penfold crashing into the crowd. He lays Penfold across a chair and is preparing to come off the apron for a leg drop when Skid Row catches him with a reverse guillotine. Penfold then near decapitates Bee Man with a clothesline before rolling him back into the ring.

1

2

KICKOUT!

Bee Man kicks out! Sir Quincy Penfold can't believe it! He kicks a chair in frustration and then cries out at his injured foot. Skid Row scrambles to the top rope and signals for Spare Change. He flies.... NOBODY'S HOME! Skid Row crashes and burns. Bee Man whips him to the corner. STINGER SPLASH! But Penfold's in the ring and he's got a chair. Bee Man hasn't seen him, but Queen Vanessa has! She hits a clumsy dropkick that sends Penfold's swing into the ropes. The chair rebounds and knocks Penfold on his ass! Bee Man to the top.... PROTECT THE QUEEN to Skid Row. He doesn't cover, though, instead whipping Penfold to the corner for a second Stinger Splash. As he rebounds out of the corner he catches a now standing Skid Row with a hurricanrana into a tight pin.

1

2

3

Bee Man claims the victory and will go to Keg Party as #1 contender to Sir Quincy Penfold's BSW title! The 56% rated segment ends with Bee Man and Queen Vanessa celebrating in the ring and Penfold berating Skid Row for 'failing his King'.

OVERALL: 60%

BEST SEGMENT: Sir Quincy Penfold interview

WORST SEGMENT: Matt Classic vs. Shemus

MOTN: Skid Row vs. Bee Man

MVP: Bee Man

ATTENDANCE: 15!

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Well I've already said most of my thoughts to you while I was reading so here are some points I may or may not have discussed. The people want Zombie. I now officially love you for using angriest buzz. For some mysterious reason when you said Disco Jesus rises again I thought of the US Civil War and lo and behold you mentioned it when I believe you meant the American Revolution. Apart from that it's all good. Oh and GO BEE MAN!

*Waves Bee Man flag.*

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I want a Bee Man Wrestling Federation... dump Skid Row, Kenny Bruce, Shemus, Tyler Black, Quincy Penfold and the others...

I want matches like Original Bee Man Vs New Bee Man, Angry Bee Man Vs Bee Man Love, Killerbee Man Vs Honeybee Man and for some reason Disco Jesus Vs Religious Bee Man...

Oh... and my favorite wrestler of BSW is Bee Man...

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Not bad again, but there is one theoretical question in this: If it was established that CWB died in this because he was killed by Shane McMahon, then wouldn't him becoming number one cause more problems there instead if there's not some changes?

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If it was established that CWB died in this because he was killed by Shane McMahon, then wouldn't him becoming number one cause more problems there instead if there's not some changes?
Edited by CWBush
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We're moments away from Keg Party and I'm in the middle of watching Sophie tap the keg in a delightfully sexist French maid outfit when The Dungeon Master approaches. For a serene moment we stand side by side, admiring the silky smooth sight of Sophie's thighs as she bends to pick something up.

DM: Gods, I'd like to hit that with my Mace of Pleasuring...

I nod sagely. I too would like to hit that with me... what? Wait up.

Me: DM, what are you doing here? You're opening the show...

DM: I realise that. I'm not just raw muscle and boyish good looks, Chris. I'm on the ball.

Me: And you're here, why?

DM: I have come to register a complaint.

For a moment I was worried. Had Magro shit in the fridge again? Had he shit in the DM's locker?

Me: Go on...

DM: You see, I feel I am being vastly underused. With the departures of Kenny Bruce and Matt Classic, I'd hoped you would find greater use for me. Instead I find myself preparing to face off with the Christmas Bunny's BSW equivalent.

Me: Disco Jesus?

DM: Yes, Disco Jesus. The one joke gimmick character. He's Jesus. He likes Disco. We get it.

Me: We?

DM: My party and I.

Me: You have a party?

DM: Yes, that's what I call my fans. They're over there.

He gestures to fat wrestling fan, his lady friend, and a trio of emo looking kids in the front row. We've got a crowd of sixteen in attendance tonight. Fat wrestling fan waves meekly when he sees me looking.

Me: I see. What is it you want?

DM: Simple. I want a greater share of the treasure.

Me: You want more money?

DM: No, you buffoon, I was speaking figuratively. I want to be used more. I want to be a focal point of the show. I want, and my party wants, to see more Dungeon Master.

Me: It's a little late now...

DM: I'm a patient man, Walker-Bush. I will dance to your tune tonight. But be warned, if I find myself similarly underused next month, you will feel the sting of my Mace of Dissatisfaction.

He stalks off. I fear that his Mace of Dissatisfaction is just another name for his Mace of Pleasuring. If so, I don't think I want to get on his bad side.

And without further ado.....

Berner Street Wrestling in conjunction with the Club Hotel presents...

Keg Party

-- Disco Jesus vs. The Dungeon Master --

True to his word, the DM goes out there and does the job required of him. I mean that in terms of his profession, and not in terms of 'doing the job' in wrestle speak. I think it's safe to say that anyone in the ring with Disco Jesus or Shemus is on the fast track to victory for the forseeable future. The fans don't seem at all put out by this knowledge, and the night's opener garners a 34% reaction from the crowd. Disco Jesus does get in some early offence, funking his way to a two count following a Hustle leg drop, and gets the crowd pumped with a Disco Dive senton. It's a very impressive 81% quality match that is, scarily, the match of the night in the end. The DM introduces crowd interaction to the game when, while battling the Messiah of Funk at ringside, he gets fat wrestling fan's lady friend to slap Disco Jesus in a blatant act of defiance.

Keeping in character, Disco Jesus looks to the sky and utters 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do'. They might not, but The Dungeon Master does. He whips Disco Jesus to the ropes, comes off the other side, and near decapitates him with the Critical Hit for the 1-2-3 to end a decent opener of 57% quality.

-- The New Stud --

Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca hits and the fans are bemused as a dimunitive Japanese figure in a tight fitting leather outfit runs out to the rings with his arms out as if he was mimicking a plane. He slides into the ring and leaps to his feet. He is Razor Ramon HG, and he speaks in broken but passable English.

HG: Hello! This is Hard Gay!

The fans don't quite know what to make of this.

HG: Allow me to introduce... SHANE MADISON!

The music hits again and this time it's the chiseled good looks of Shane Madison on his way out to the ring, the BSW original looking borderline intimidating in his chaps and wearing his leather cap. In effect, he's wearing the same outfit as Hard Gay, albeit in a larger size. He walks meekly to Hard Gay's side and allows the Japanese man to pet him like an animal.

HG: So pretty. So silky. Who wants to touch?

He asks the crowd. One of the emo kids who came with fat wrestling guy raises a hand, then quickly takes it back down. It's too late, though. Hard Gay has spotted her.

HG: You! You, miss? (To Shane) You. Go to her. Let her fondle your greatness.

Shane Madison nods and goes to the girl, prompting her to touch one of his pecs. Shane seems to like this, and begins to nuzzle against the woman and purr loudly like a kitten when it is petted.

HG: No! Bad Shane! Stop that! No!

Shane leaps like a startled animal and returns quickly to Hard Gay's side.

HG: Bad Shane!

He hits Shane with a rolled up newspaper, causing the much larger man to cower at his side. Hard Gay's face softens and he produces a handful of Skittles from his pocket. He puts the handful underneath Shane's nose and Madison eats them like a horse eats sugar cubes.

HG: Good boy. Tonight you hurt man, ok? You hurt man and I give you whole bag.

He emphasizes the word 'bag' by thrusting forward, causing his crotch to slap against Madison's forehead. This doesn't seem to phase Shane at all. It does, however, cause a few of the male crowd members to feel a little ill.

His point made, Hard Gay drops another handful of Skittles on the ground and leaves the ring. The 53% rated segment ends with Shane Madison crawling around on his hands and knees fetching the scattered candy.

-- 'Stunning' Shane Madison vs. Shemus --

I guess I kind of telegraphed the outcome of this match, huh? Well, what did you expect? It's fucking Shemus. Let's just pretend you didn't know, alright?

Shemus hits the ring full of energy and what could be an expensive bottle of well aged Scotch. With Madison still on his hands and knees foraging for Skittles, Hard Gay pounds the mat in frustration as Shemus' arrival is followed by a hard kick to the jaw of Madison. A rain of spit and candy flies from the leather clad man's mouth. Shemus continues to apply pressure by going after Madison for an attempted Irish Cloverleaf, but after recovering from the shock of being assaulted while eating, Madison has the presence of mind to crawl to the ropes and break the hold. Despite the presence of a newcomer and a perennial jobber, this clash has already garnered a 32% crowd reaction.

Madison remains in the ropes for a moment to receive a slap from Hard Gay, who isn't impressed at his stud's lack of focus so far. This seems to incense Madison, though, and he gets to his feet and shrugs off some weak punches from Shemus as this 79% rated clash continues. After a number of blows fail to have an impact, Shemus tries to come off the ropes with a cross-body block, but finds himself caught and treated to an Oklahama Stampede from the bigger worker. The cover gets two, much to Hard Gay's dismay, which he vocalises in an ear-piercing high squeal. Madison isn't done though. As Shemus is staggering to his feet, the stunning one comes off the ropes with a big boot that I'm sure treated the front row to a spray of saliva. He follows this up with a scoop slam before turning to Hard Gay for further instruction. Madison's manager/lover/partner makes a signal and Madison nods. Osaka Screwjob! Super Delfin's Osaka Street Cutter! He follows this up with a double underhook sit out powerbomb that our commentator informs the crowd is called Assuming the Position. Content that he's done the job - Madison covers for the 1-2-3 to end the 55% rated segment and record a win on debut.

-- He's Not Cool --

It's Mr. Charisma on his way out to the ring next, BSW's most arrogant customer looking at his usual best as he struts out.

Charisma: Well, well, well... I bet you stooges thought it was pretty funny to see Mr. Charisma get beaten by Kenny Bruce last month, huh? I bet you all went home and had a good laugh at that one, huh? Well, I didn't. I got a bill in the mail last week and it turns out that when Kenny Bruce attacked me while I was talking to my good friend, Habib, he didn't have the decency to hang up my phone. I don't know how you skippies are, but a man's phone is his lifeline. The three essentials all men need are oxygen, water, and his fucking mobile phone. But thanks to Kenny Bruce, I got a $1500 bill I can't pay, and so tonight I stand before you naked. No SMSing. No MMSing. No nothing.

The crowd don't seem to feel Charisma's pain.

Charisma: But I got the last laugh. Mr. Charisma can't be walked over, especially not by skippy poofs like Kenny Bruce. He keeps forgetting that we wogs have gotta stick together. So, while he was out beating his wife or drinking beer or whatever it is redneck skippies do - I had a few of my 'family' friends have a talk with him. You won't be seeing his face around here no more.

The fans boo this. Bruce had, sadly, become something of a fan favourite.

Charisma: So, with that racist skippy out of the way, it's now time to focus on more important matters. I'm here to lay down a challenge to....

Prisoner of Society by The Living End hits, interrupting Charisma's rivetting promo. An unfamiliar face appears at the top of the ramp, although Tough Enough fans might recognised Daniel Rodimer as he stands at the back door and grins cockily at Charisma.

Ice: Oh, sorry, did I interrupt you? When I read 'Mr. Charisma promo' on the schedule, I figured it'd only take a minute or two. I mean, how many words could you possibly know?

Charisma: Who the fuck are you?

Ice: No, no - it was rude of me to interrupt. Please, go back to verbally felating yourself. I'd hate to deprive the audience of that.

Charisma: I ask again, who the fuck are you?

Ice: Me? They call me the Ice.

Charisma: The Ice? Oh, Christ, that's hilarious. The Ice!? You think you're cool, huh?

Ice: Me? No. I don't think I'm cool.

Charisma: That's because you're a fag-

Ice: (Interrupting) I wasn't done. You see, I'm not cool. I'm frozen.

Mr. Charisma is bemused. I'm relatively certain the fans are too.

Charisma: That makes no sense.

Ice: You make no sense.

Charisma: Wha...huh?

Ice: A sparkling riposte, as always. I'd love to stand out here and exchange verbal barbs with you all night, but I had a better idea. Rather than making myself look good by out-witting you, how about I just make myself look good by kicking your ass? How does that sound, sunshine?

Charisma: Uh... not...good?

The Ice doesn't seem to care. He's already on his way down to the ring to end this 67% rated debut.

-- Mr. Charisma vs. The Ice --

There's two collosal egos in the ring, and I'm not sure it's of a quality capable of supporting them. The fans certainly feel the vibe, though, and this clash draws an impressive 43% crowd reaction that even draws a 'Ice Ice Baby' chant. Yes, I had Magro start it. No, I'm not ashamed. The two straight out brawl early on - their immediate dislike for one another manifesting in a mess of punches, kicks, and rest holds that look more suited to a bar-room brawl than a wrestling ring. It's a decent out and out brawl from two of BSW's more charismatic customers, and Charisma shows his experience when he's able to get some control following an eye rake out of the corner followed by a clothesline. The 74% rated brawl has few real stand-out moments, save for the inevitable babyface rally that sees Ice no-sell some Charisma punches and respond with some of his own. It's soon snuffed out for Charisma to resume his beating - but then, out of the blue, Ice hits On Ice (an evenflow DDT)! The fans go crazy as he covers for the 1-2-3. He literally stole that win out of thin air, and he makes a hasty exit as a furious Mr. Charisma screams obscenties at the referee and anyone willing to listen. The segment drew a decent overall rating of 58%, and The Ice celebrates his victory by turning around, tugging down his pants, and mooning a fuming Mr. Charisma in the ring.

-- Advice for the Broken Hearted --

Jimmy Tell is out next, the company's resident misanthrope wearing a suit and carrying a single red rose. It's a stark contrast to his acidic personality as he takes a seat on the steps as if to address the crowd on their level.

Tell: Ah, that first love. You remember it. You're young and naive and you think it's all going to work out. It doesn't matter how far apart you live or what your parents think because 'love conquers all'. You exchange cheesy poems, give gifts bought with scrounged together change, and fawn over one another. Or, if you're a late bloomer, you have a lot of sex and say 'I love you' far too fast. And then you realise that it's never like the movies. Try as you might, you just can't pull off a dramatic romantic moment like in Sleepless in Seattle or Love, Actually. You don't look as good in sexy lingerie as J-Lo or Scarlett Johannsen. And you wake up one morning and look next to you and the woman there isn't Katie Holmes or Nicole Kidman. It's a girl with stretch marks on her sides, a light dusting of fine blonde hair on her top lip, and an ass that just never seems to look right in jeans.

He pauses to pluck some of the petals from the rose.

Tell: She loves me... she loves me not.... I love her... I love her not... I like being in love... I'm faking it. And isn't that what love is? Where is the scientific or biological imperitive for love? We read a book written millennia ago, base our society around it, and then try desperately to live up to an ideal of love that goes against our nature. There is no happy ending. There's no knight in shining armour. There's only the grunt of an unfulfilling orgasm, the arguments over money, and the inevitable event where one of you realises you can do better. And that brings me to Tyler Black. We get it. She broke your heart. There are two paths you can go down. You can realise that she was never anything more than a frequent sexual partner whom you faked an emotional attachment to in order to feel normal, or you can cling to this memory you've conjured through rose coloured glasses and become a depressing mess. It's clear which path you've chosen, but I'm here to offer you a choice. You can keep up this performance and I'll kick your ass and call it a mercy killing. Or you can come out here, spit on that whore's photo, and I'll take you out and show you how best to get over a so called broken heart. What do you say?

The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance hits and Tyler Black comes out with the photo of Shelly in his hands. His eyes are fixed on Tell with something that looks about as far removed from agreement as possible.

Tell: Ah, you brought it with you. Let the healing begin. Prove to yourself and these people here that you're over Shelly because she was never anything more to you than a -

Tyler Black does something to Shelly's photo, but it's not spitting on it. Instead he smashes it over Tell's head, the glass shattering and the frame hanging around Tell's neck like some kind of geometrically challenged necklace. The 52% segment comes to an abrupt end, and the bell rings for the Black vs. Tell confrontation to go ahead as planned.

-- Tyler Black vs. Jimmy Tell --

Despite the explosive start to the clash, this match draws a night low crowd reaction of just 30%, which I'll put down to the fact it's two newer faces of questionable alignment with the fans. With the huge upper hand of having got in a brutal photo frame shot prior to the match, Black whips Tell hard into the steps before bouncing his face off the ring post a few times. There's blood already flowing from a cut in Tell's face when he's rolled into the ring for the match to get underway officially. Tell's already in a world of hurt, and it doesn't get much better as Black hits a series of European uppercuts before laying Tell out with a fairly brutal DDT. The clash is a 75% rated clash, again in the brawling vein, with Black dominating 99.9% of it as a result of his earlier weapon attack. The fans get behind him as a result - the majority of them tired of Tell's attitude.

The finish, however, is something of a surprise. Black has just laid Tell out with Shelly's Last Gift when suddenly a woman hits the ring. Some immediately recognise her as Ariel of WWE fame, although she looks less vampish in her plain clothes. She gets up in Tyler's face and, once he recognises her, he gently takes her head in his hands and stares into her eyes. They lock eyes and for a moment it looks like we're due for a Savage/Elizabeth Wrestlemania moment. But then Tell gets involved, the misanthrope rolling Black up with a handful of tights. 1-2-3! He steals a win after being dominated in this 52% rated clash. Black can't believe it, and things are only going to get worse for him as Shelly goes to Tell's side rather than his! Tell manages a smile through his bloodied face as he's helped up the ramp by Shelly.

Tell: This is for your own good

Black doesn't seem to agree. He remains distraught in the ring as Tell and Shelly disappear into the house.

-- Penfold is Forever --

Sir Quincy Penfold comes out next and he's again accompanied by a ludicrously over-dressed Skid Row. It's November now, and poor Skid looks more than a little uncomfortable in the dry Glen Innes heat. Penfold makes a show of avoiding portions of the mat in which blood has stained the canvas.

Penfold: My, my, my - apparently this is how you colonials do romance. I must say, you certainly have drifted in the two hundred and twenty years since we left you here with some cattle and a reminder to do it for Queen and Country. In the mother land, we're just a little more civil about these romantic disputes. No broken picture frames. No whiny music. No bloody brawls. You see, we British have evolved to a level of understanding so perfect that we don't feel anything anymore. Sex and marriage are our duty to our Queen, and we do that, but there's nothing beyond it. You'd be surprised at how remarkably efficient our nation has become as a result. The Americans might say that they're a super power - but we know better. We British control our desires and emotions, and that will ultimately see the Commonwealth return to its glory days.

He pauses to ensure that Skid Row and the crowd are listening.

Penfold: But why does this concern you? As soon as the British Empire is back to its glory days and doesn't have to answer to the UN - we'll be turning this dusty rock into the world's largest landfill. I suppose you can still live here, if you want, but there shall be no more charity from Mother England. For too long you colonials have sucked the life out of us - and enough is enough! Tonight, when I put down Bee Man and end all signs of resistence ot my dominance, I will institute Operation British Biff. This 'company' is entirely too messy, and I intend to bring some British efficiency to it. I have investors ready to buy Walker-Bush out as soon as I complete the formality of tonight's title defence, and when I'm in charge things will change. No more Bee Man. No more Disco Jesus. No more Australians polluting the crowd and mooching off my aura of brilliance. Just Sir Quincy Penfold and his aristocratic friends discussing world politics, football, and the stock market. It will be de-LITE-ful.

A 64% rating. Penfold has been ousted as the SEGMENT OF THE NIGHT formality!

-- Sir Quincy Penfold © vs. Bee Man for the BSW World Title --

Shortly after Penfold's promo is complete, the fans go crazy as Bee Man and Queen Vanessa make their way out to the ring. This is Bee Man's last shot at the gold, if Penfold's to be believed, and there's no sign of bitchy pain-in-the-ass Queen Vanessa as she offers some last second words of advice and encouragement. Seeing this, Skid Row tries to do the same for Penfold, who recoils visibly from his homeless ally's atrocious breath.

And then it's on. The bell rings and the two combatants circle one another tenatively, looking for an opening to begin the clash. The fans are really into this one, the Bee Man chants and Penfold sucks chants garnering a 50% reaction. This leads to a crowd boost of some eleven people as a combination of policemen and angry neighbours come to see what the ruckus is about. I managed to convince them not to shut us down in exchange for free beers. Then it's on. Penfold darts in and sweeps a leg out from underneath Bee Man, who rolls to his front and mule kicks Penfold in the chest to send him back into the ropes. As he rebounds, Bee Man catches him with a dropsault that gets a cheer from the crowd. He's dragging the champion to his feet, but Penfold retaliaties with a series of elbows to the midsection before hauling Bee Man up for a vertical suplex. He make an ambitious cover, but Bee Man is out at two to the delight of the crowd.

Penfold is frustrated by Bee Man's refusal to lie down, and a few boots and elbow drops are his choice of punishment for Bee Man's disagreeable habit of kicking out. He draws the ire of the crowd further with a blatant choke and, while the referee argues with him over it, gets further hate from the crowd when Skid Row uses his belt to choke the challenger behind the ref's back. Penfold takes advantage of Bee Man's breathless state by lying him between the second and top rope - his upper body outside the ring and his legs tucked firmly underneath the champion's arms. A slingshot sees Bee Man's face and upper torso bounce from the top rope and put him in a world of hurt. The arrogant Englishman then covers, but again finds Bee Man harder to beat than that.

More heelish antics ensue, from the arrogance of the face wash to a hard whip into the corner that sends Bee Man face first into the mat where Penfold channels William Regal with a Regal Stretch that puts Bee Man in real trouble. Thankfully for the fans, Skid Row isn't the only one who can interfere in a match - Queen Vanessa pulling her man's free leg so it rests underneath the ropes. The referee's seen it though, and he sends Queen Vanessa from ringside! Skid Row and Penfold delight as the referee turns his back to usher her out of the 'arena'. With him distracted, Skid Row and Penfold team up to deliver a spike piledriver to Bee Man. Skid manages to exit the ring just before the referee turns around. Penfold, so as not to look too suspicious, goes to the top rope and comes off for a leg drop. HE MISSES! Bee Man shows some fight is left in him as he rolls away! A running dropkick to the face puts Penfold down!

1

2

KICKOUT!

Penfold gets a shoulder up! Bee Man can't believe it! He comes off the ropes to attempt some sort of offence, but is tripped up by Skid Row! Penfold shows his class with a leg drop from the second rope to the back of Bee Man's head, rolling him over and covering but being further frustrated when the challenger gets a foot up on the rope. Skid Row punishes him for it, yanking down on the foot while Penfold obstructs the referee's view. When Bee Man staggers to his feet, he's barely able to stand on the ankle - allowing the champion to take him back down with a clothesline. He drags Bee Man to his feet where the challenger attempts a kick with his weak leg. Penfold traps it, but Bee Man responds with an enzuguri! Penfold staggers back as Bee Man tries to gather himself for another attack. He whips Penfold to the corner and charges in for the Stinger Splash! No! Penfold moves and Bee Man crashes into the ring post! Roll-up!

1

2

KICKOUT!

Penfold can't believe it! How can he pin this son of a bitch! He gestures to Skid Row, who tosses the Berner Street Wrestling title into the ring! The referee sees it, though, and goes to collect it. Meanwhile, Penfold is removing the protective covering from a corner post. Bee Man's to his feet as the referee hands the belt to the time-keeper (me) to keep an eye on. Penfold hasn't seen it yet. DROPKICK! Bee Man sends Penfold face first into the newly exposed turnbuckle with a dropkick! To the top rope!

Wait! Skid Row's up on the apron and he's tugging on Bee Man's leg! Queen Vanessa! She leaps out of the 'crowd' and spear tackles Skid Row from the apron! Bee Man flies. PROTECT THE QUEEN!

1

2

3

Bee Man has done it! Bee Man defeats Sir Quincy Penfold! Bee Man is Berner Street Wrestling World Champion!

The fans, Queen Vanessa, and Bee Man celebrate this 79% rated clash and 54% overall segment as Sir Quincy Penfold and Skid Row watch on in disbelief. Penfold's reign is over and Bee Man's has begun!

OVERALL: 58%

BEST SEGMENT: The Ice debut

WORST SEGMENT: Jimmy Tell vs. Tyler Black

MOTN: The Dungeon Master vs. Disco Jesus

MVP: The Ice

ATTENDANCE: 16

BSW Roster Update

Bee Man: 52 BSW World Champion

Disco Jesus: 32

Jimmy Tell: 30

Mr. Charisma: 41 Also working for Stampede Wrestling as #2 worker

Queen Vanessa: 29

Razor Ramon HG: 24

Shelly: 15

Shemus: 29

Sir Quincy Penfold: 44

Skid Row: 46

'Stunning' Shane Madison: 31

The Dungeon Master: 39

The Ice: 36

Tyler Black: 27

Edited by CWBush
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November, Update

Sophie: Chris, we've got a problem.

Me: A sexy problem?

Sophie: No. Just a regular problem.

Me: Shoot

Sophie: Queen Vanessa just told me she's worried that she'd addicted to Ice.

Me: Well, it's summer. I guess...

Sophie: Not frozen water, Chris. Ice. Crystal Meth.

Me: Oh...

Sophie: We should send her to rehab

Me: How can she even afford it? I'm paying her minimum wage.

Sophie: Maybe she's turning tricks?

Me: No. She's not doing that.

Sophie: How do you know?

Ah. How do I know?

Me: I just do.

Sophie leaves and we're without Queen Vanessa. That's a royal pain in the ass, pun intended. Not only is she a pretty key part of the promotion and the person keeping Bee Man interesting, I'd also had plans to involve her in a storyline involving The Dungeon Master.

Sigh

Here's the card for...

Death by the Swingset

Last month Bee Man reached the top of the mountain when he was able to defeat Sir Quincy Penfold to gain the Berner Street Wrestling World Title. This month it's time for Penfold to call in his rematch, and what better way to decide the winner than in Berner Street Wrestling's first ever ladder match? Bee Man will be aiming to fly high while Penfold will doubtless get Skid Row involved.

The Dungeon Master vs. Tyler Black: Last month Jimmy Tell promised that his actions were for Black's own good. How will Tyler recover from the bombshell of having his ex align herself with the misanthrope?

Shemus vs. The Ice: The Ice made a big impact when he defeated Mr. Charisma on debut, and things will look to continue in the same mould as he takes on Shemus in this clash. But Mr. Charisma will doubtless have something to say about The Ice's actions last month.

Disco Jesus vs. Jimmy Tell: The Messiah requested this clash after being brutally beaten by Tell two months ago. With Shelly in his corner, Tell looks to be more dangerous than ever. Is it really a good time for Disco Jesus to decide not to turn the other cheek?

Plus Hard Gay and 'Stunning' Shane Madison will be in the house. What will the odd new couple have to contribute to the penultimate BSW event of 2007?

Edited by CWBush
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BSW Presents: Death by the Swingset

It seems some things in life never change. Even in an alternate reality, I still had to borrow the all important swingset from a neighbour. In exchange, I gave their six year old son a free ticket to the show. With him we scored an insane twenty four attendance. A far cry from the heady lows of a two not so long ago.

-- Bringing the Sex --

The night opens with Hard Gay and 'Stunning' Shane Madison making their way out to the ring, and I'm already worried about the lecture I'll receive from the kid's parents for exposing him to the pairing.

HG: Hello! This is Hard Gay!

The fans aren't over the moon at seeing him, so he reaches into the sweaty confines of his suit and tosses a handful of Skittles out over the crowd. Shane looks on jealously.

HG: Tonight I am the bearer of bad news. Hard Gay and Shane are both very sad. Aren't we, Shane?

Shane isn't paying attention. Hard Gay hits him across the back with a riding crop.

Shane: Huh?

HG: We're very sad.

Shane: We are?

HG: (Frustrated) Yes, we are.

Shane: Why?

HG: Because we're not wrestling tonight, are we?

Shane: Uh... no?

HG: (To the crowd) Isn't he wonderful? Handsome and witty. Maybe I'm not so sad. Maybe I have my way with him instead.

This does little to appeal to a predominantly heterosexual, homophobic small town crowd.

HG: Goodbye, wonderous fans! Try to enjoy the show!

With that he and Shane depart, Hard Gay periodically throwing handfuls of Skittles to the crowd. Shane half-heartedly grabs at them as they pass him in the air, but to no avail. He pads out sullenly after his master to end a 67% rated segment.

-- The Case of the Missing Queen --

The fans go crazy as Bee Man buzzes out to the ring, the newly crowned BSW Champion getting a standing ovation as he 'flies' to the ring and laps up the crowd's affection.

Bee Man: (Triumphant) Bzzz!

The crowd cheers.

Bee Man: (Thankful) Bzzz!

He gestures to the entry, as if expecting somebody to arrive. If he is, nobody does.

Bee Man: (Announcing) Bzzz!

Still nothing

Bee Man: (Worried) Bzzz?

Bee Man's music hits again, and Queen Vanessa appears! Wait! No! It's not Queen Vanessa! It's Skid Row squeezed into her tight fitting bee suit, and he's looking all kinds of gross as he flaps lazily around the ring.

Bee Man: (Angry) Bzzzzzz!

Now Sir Quincy Penfold has emerged, and he watches on with amusement as Skid Row circles the ring to Bee Man's annoyance.

SQP: Bravo, I say, bravo!

Bee Man, finally noticing Penfold, turns angrily towards him.

SQP: Oh, no need to be surly, old chum. I'm simply out here to congratulate you on taking full advantage of my idiotic friend's failings last month. A lesser man may well have let trifles such as 'honour', 'fairness', or 'sportsmanship' prevent him from using the exposed turnbuckle against me - but you didn't let such insiginificant qualms defeat you. Yes, like your colonial forebears you were able to take advantage of Mother England's far too trusting and honourable traditions. And, for that, I applaud you.

Bee Man: (Angry) Bzzz!

SQP: Queen Vanessa? Why on earth would I know where that strumpet is? Skid Row here is merely showing his admiration of you. Are you not aware that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? I must admit, he does look rather foolish, but the boy wanted to be like you so much I just couldn't say no.

Bee Man: (Questioning) Bzzz?

SQP: Ah, yes, why am I out here? As you probably know, I have already invoked my rematch clause to set up tonight's distasteful 'ladder match'. I merely wanted to come out here and wish you good luck. I'm sure you'll find things a little tougher without your concubine out here to win matches for you. Good day.

Penfold beckons for Skid Row to follow, but gets a scowl in response. Sighing, Penfold produces a ten dollar note and waves it around. Skid Row falls meekly in behind, and the two leave Bee Man alone in the ring to contemplate this 55% segment.

-- Tyler Black vs. The Dungeon Master --

Our first match of the night draws a 37% crowd reaction, with the always semi-popular Dungeon Master coming in with all guns blazing to go after the even more depressed than usual Tyler Black. This 76% rated clash looks to be going in the direction of a comfortable DM victory when, after being tossed through the ropes, Black spots the picture of Shelly in a new frame at ringside. Shrugging off the DM’s offense, Black takes him down with a brutal jaw-breaker before hitting Shelly’s Last Gift out of nowhere! The count is on when suddenly Shelly herself makes an appearance!

The object of Black’s misplaced affection slides into the ring and Black breaks the pinfall. He approaches her and asks her what she’s doing, allowing the DM to stagger to his feet. Shelly points over Black’s shoulder and he turns around right into a CRITICAL HIT! Cover! 1-2-3! The Dungeon Master picks up the victory in this 56% rated segment, but why is Shelly getting involved in Black’s matches! The Dungeon Master leaves in celebration as Shelly watches on coolly at the fallen form of her former lover.

-- Victory is Sweet --

After Shelly has vacated the ring and Tyler Black has gone off in search of her, The DM returns with a bottle of mead and a wide grin.

DM: I had hoped to delay this announcement until after I won the World Title, but since Bee Man and Penfold continue to hog the limelight… I have an announcement to make.

So this is what baited breath smells like?

DM: For too long I have polished my +1 dagger alone. For far too long have I been passing constitution checks on my lonesome and pleasuring myself to illusions. It is time for this warrior to find himself a concubine and an adventuring mate. That’s why, next month at 100% Real Beef, I’ll be holding auditions for the role of object of affection, sexual partner, and seed bearer. Applications can be emailed to the_sexay_dm@gmail.com or you can PM me on my MySpace. My username there is Is_dm_is_good.

He pauses to make sure he’s remembered everything.

DM: Or you can hit me up on MSN. Better_than_tarrasques@hotmail.com or The_Damsel_Mauler@yahoo.com for Yahoo Messenger. Ladies, don’t feel intimidated by my talent or my high charisma. Don’t think that just because you’re not a Charisma 25 succubus, you can’t get freaky with all of this. My ideal woman isn’t just an ample bosom and killer can – it’s child bearing hips and an appreciation for poetry. It’s being able to cook macaroni pasta bake and prepare a good mulled wine. And last of all, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime.

This didn’t go over brilliantly, but it drew a decent 59% reaction. Mostly heat. Some of fat wrestling fan’s friends seemed genuinely interested, though.

-- The Ice vs. Shemus --

Well, we all know which way this is going. Shemus looks drunk, again, as he staggers to the ring with a four litre cask of white wine underneath his arm and a straw jammed into its side. He plays it like an extremely intoxicating bagpipe as he enters the ring – spilling its ripe smelling contents on the mat and giving my mother a conniption fit. The Ice is out next, the rebellious newcomer getting a decent pop to give this clash a 30% crowd reaction.

The two are babyfaces, and Shemus shows there’s no hard feelings by offering the mostly limp cask to The Ice after the bell. Ice accepts and takes a long swig before spitting the wine in Shemus’ face! The fans don’t know how to react as Ice kicks Shemus in the midsection and swings him up for a vertical suplex! The covers gets two, with Shemus using the remains of the cask to clobber The Ice’s head to break the fall. He then takes a swig himself, swallows, and shrugs off some Ice offence with help from the alcohol. His drunken stumbling gets him conveniently underneath a swinging arm from The Ice – and he shows remarkable reaction time to hit a reverse neck-breaker on his opponent! He then climbs to the top rope, sways for a moment, and falls forward in a drunken suicide head butt! He drapes an arm over The Ice for a two count!

The Ice gradually begins to realise his predicament – he could well be the first person to ever lose to Shemus in singles competition. With this motivation, this 70% rated clash slowly turns around as The Ice battles his way back into things. He looks a certainty to win after hitting On Ice – but Mr. Charisma’s up on the apron! The Ice wastes valuable time attempting to dislodge his enemy, but Charisma hits him with a guillotine! The ref’s still checking on Shemus and doesn’t notice! The Ice is down! Shemus staggers over, looks confused, and locks in the Irish Cloverleaf! Surely not!

Yes! YES! Shemus scores his first ever win! The Ice had to tap out after Mr. Charisma pulled the ropes out of his reach! Shemus gets his first win and it’s all thanks to Mr. Charisma! This 50% rated segment ends with a furious Ice staring up the ramp at Mr. Charisma, who turns around and moons him in rebuttal (pun intended) for last month!

-- Why? --

Jimmy Tell’s out in the ring next, the misanthrope no doubt going to let the crowd know why he’s twice had Shelly involved in Tyler Black’s matches. The buxom former WWE superstar is at his side as well, staring impassively at the crowd as he speaks.

Tell: Why, Jimmy, why? All month that question has been on everybody’s lips. I’m down the street buying groceries and a twelve year old kid asks me ‘Why did you hurt Tyler Black?’ I’m at home watching some House when a relative calls ‘Why, Jimmy? Why’d you break Tyler Black’s heart?’

He pauses to look at Shelly, who doesn’t seem to be listening.

Tell: You know why? You want to know the answer to the burning question?

Some even summon up the courage to say ‘yes’.

Tell: Because I can. Because Tyler Black is everything I used to be and everything I’ve grown to hate. You think your dilemma is unique, Tyler? You think you’re the first loser to reach for the stars and get a handful of shit in exchange? Your self pity sickens me and, you know what? I thought I’d do something about it. Maybe if I can make you hate the lovely Shelly…

He goes to here now, examining her like she’s a piece of meat as he speaks.

Tell: Maybe if I can make you hate her full, firm breasts or her deep, dark eyes – you’ll be a functional human being again? Maybe if I help you grow to hate the smell of her hair or the softness of her lips, you’ll be able to live a normal life. Maybe if I make you loathe everything about her, you’ll realise what I learned a long time ago. They’re all whores.

The fans boo this one. One particularly militant feminist in the crowd throws a (thankfully unused) tampon into the ring.

Tell: Some may have prettier wrapping than others, sure, but they’re all the same ugly beasts underneath. They’re all the same shallow, arrogant, heart-breaking bitches who have ruined men’s lives since time immemorial. Shelly’s Cleopatra and Eve. She’s Eva Braun and Marilyn Munroe. She’s your mother and the desperate, clingy girl who took your virginity in the tenth grade. She’s all of them. And if I can make you realise that, maybe I won’t be the only sane one in this two bit company. If I make you hate her, maybe you’ll understand why I am how I am.

He pulls Shelly to him and kisses her full on the lips. She limply complies, but shows no relish.

Tell: It tastes sweet, I know, but all evil things hold appeal. It’s just a matter of knowing when to stop.

He breaks the embrace and pushes her away from him. She calmly exits the ring as this 57% rated segment ends.

-- Jimmy Tell vs. Disco Jesus --

Disco Jesus busts funk on his way to the ring, and even goes so far as to try and get Shelly dancing. But she’s every bit as emo as her ex boyfriend, it seems, and the most she can muster is shuffling from side to side with her head down. For his troubles, Disco Jesus gets to start the match by eating a baseball slide from Tell. The fans are finally starting to find some voice as well, this clash drawing a 34% crowd reaction on the back of Tell’s passionate promo.

On the back foot from the outset, Jesus finds himself thrown into the crowd where Tell bounces his face off one of the few vacant chairs. The aforementioned militant feminist screams abuse at Tell, who makes a point of making eye contact with her before delivering a lifting DDT through the chair to Disco Jesus! The cheap plastic shatters and Disco Jesus is bleeding! This clash is building towards a decent 72% rating as Tell finally rolls the Messiah of Funk into the ring for the official start of the match. A cover is made, but Disco Jesus calls on a little divine disco to kick out at two. Through all of this, Shelly watches on with disinterest from the ringside area.

Tell hasn’t let up in his assault either, the misanthrope showing remarkable strength to Powerbomb Disco Jesus onto the turnbuckle in a truly sickening display! He’s setting up for Fuck the World when Tyler Black hits the ring! He spins Tell around. SHELLY’S LAST GIFT! He’s laid Tell out! The referee calls for the DQ, but Tyler Black isn’t done! He goes to the top rope and hits a giant leg drop on his tormentor! The 53% overall rating is only improved as Shelly slides into the ring and slaps Tyler Black! He doesn’t know how to react. SHE KICKS HIM IN THE BALLS! Tyler Black is stunned. Jimmy Tell’s to his feet. FUCK THE WORLD! Tyler Black’s in a world of pain! Tell grabs Shelly by the wrist and the two beat a hasty retreat.

-- A Return to Greatness --

If one dose of Penfold wasn’t enough, we’re treated to a second as the former BSW Champion comes to the ring with the over-dressed Skid Row at his side in preparation for Berner Street Wrestling’s first ever ladder match.

SQP: Tonight I go where so many powerful British men have before me. Tonight I scale the ladder, albeit physically, and I take what’s mine. For centuries we British men have prided ourselves on going to great heights and facing any obstacle to achieve what we wanted. We did it in two World Wars. We did it in the War for Independence. We did it in the Crusades and tonight I do it in Berner Street Wrestling. Tonight I make those ten simple steps and I take back what’s rightfully mine, and there’ll be no misbegotten bee harlot there to take it from me. What say you, Skid Row?

Skid: I…

SQP: Oh, you are hilarious, Skid! (To the crowd) He thinks he’s people! Isn’t it adorable! Here you go, you rapscallion.

He tosses some change on the ground, which Skid Row eagerly scoops up.

SQP: How easily you colonials are placated. I could buy this entire foul smelling audience for a pittance of what I earn in endorsements each day. I could buy you, clean you up, and sell you to East Indian traders for a tidy profit, and you’d lap it up and kiss my boots because, like Skid Row, you recognize my brilliance.

The fans boo this. Even Skid Row doesn’t look over the moon about it.

SQP: In fact, when I win tonight and begin my second reign as Berner Street Wrestling champion, I’ll personally reward each and every loyal Penfold-ite in the audience with a shiny dollar. How does that sound?

It sounds like booing, Quincy.

SQP: Bring out the circus freak!

He refers to Bee Man, whose music hits to end this 66% rated promo.

-- Bee Man © vs. Sir Quincy Penfold in a Ladder Match for the BSW World Title --

The fans begin chanting the champion’s name even before he’s buzzed his way into the ring and the belt has been suspended above the ring. The 57% crowd reaction is certainly something to write home about, although I’ve never seen a bee hive with a mail box. With the belt above the ring and the bell rung, the two combatants circle one another before the initial tie up is made. Penfold wins out on the first encounter, a hip toss putting the champion down. A second tie up draws the same result, and Penfold takes time out to applaud himself and take a swig of water from a bottle handed to him by Skid Row at ringside. Skid’s also got a collection of towels, candies, and aftershaves with him – by the looks of it.

Turning his attention back to the mat, Penfold eats a dropkick as Bee Man ups the tempo. The challenger tumbles out of the ring but Bee Man doesn’t give up his pursuit, a planca crushing both Penfold and Skid Row. The move doesn’t pay off, though, with the pair double teaming Bee Man with a suplex before Penfold (literally) pours alcohol on the wound by emptying a bottle of (supposedly) expensive aftershave onto Bee Man’s face! Bee Man claws at his mask as Penfold lines him up and lays him out with a clothesline.

“Get the ladder” he orders Skid Row, hauling Bee Man up to his feet and attempting a vertical suplex that goes wrong when Bee Man moves through it and shoves Penfold stomach first into the steps. Skid Row’s struggling to get the ladder set up in the ring, and has only just erected it when Bee Man rushes into the ring and bulldogs him onto the bottom step! He’s ascending the ladder! NO! Penfold makes a despairing dive upon entering the ring, and the ladder topples! Bee Man goes throat first onto the ropes and into an English suplex from Penfold!

“Hold him down!”

Skid Row scurries to hold Bee Man down as Penfold labouriously sets the ladder back up. Looking up at the title he takes a deep breath and begins to climb. He’s up to the third step when Bee Man manages to escape Skid Row’s clutches and get between Penfold’s legs, hopefully to deliver a Powerbomb to the mat. It doesn’t come off, Penfold instead laying in a few right hands to put Bee Man down before coming off the third rung with a knee drop to the face! Realising he’ll need to take Bee Man out of commission to win this one – he calls for another ladder. Unfortunately I don’t own one, so instead Skid Row brings in the sole remaining unbroken chair. Penfold lays Bee Man out across the chair and orders Skid Row to the top rope. HE FLIES! SPARE CHANGE! NO! Bee Man rolls aside and Skid Row puts himself through the plastic chair! Penfold is horrified as Bee Man hits a hurricanrana that sends the challenger skidding out of the ring! The chance is now! Climb, Bee Man, climb!

This 79% match begins to well and truly heat up as Bee Man struggles to climb the ladder, only to have Skid Row catch him in the stomach with a dropkick from the turnbuckle! Bee Man falls off the ladder and bounces brutally off the ropes! With Bee Man down, Skid Row moves to get his master, but stops to look up at the gold. What’s he thinking? He’s climbing! Surely he doesn’t think…

We’ll never know. Penfold is to his feet and begins to climb the other side. The two evil-doers are at the top and reaching for the gold! Bee Man’s up, though! He comes off the ropes and crashes into the ladder. It teeters. He tries again! IT GOES DOWN! Both Skid Row and Penfold crash and burn! Bee Man collapses, exhausted from the exertion. All three men are down. Who will be to their feet first?

It’s Penfold. The challenger stumbles to his feet, swoons a moment, and makes a bee line (although he’d call it an Englishman line) to the ladder. He’s got it set up and is slowly, painfully slowly, climbing the ladder. Bee Man’s up! Bee Man’s moving towards the ladder, but Skid Row cuts him off! Skid Row’s in his way. Whip! Bee Man reverses! He leap-frogs over Skid Row. Skid Row crashes into the ladder and it goes down! Penfold goes to the outside and Skid Row collapses, seemingly unconscious. The crowd goes crazy as Bee Man realises his situation. He’s climbing the ladder and no one can stop him. He’s at the top as Penfold hits the ring! He’s too late. Bee Man grips the belt and claims it! Bee Man wins! Bee Man defends his BSW World Title! The tremendous 68% rated segment ends with Bee Man celebrating as Penfold berates Skid Row for failing him. What ever will happen next month?

OVERALL: 59%

BEST SEGMENT: Bee Man vs. Sir Quincy Penfold

WORST SEGMENT: Shemus vs. The Ice

MOTN: Bee Man vs. Sir Quincy Penfold

MVP: Sir Quincy Penfold

ATTENDANCE: 24!

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December - Berner Street, We Have a Problem

Fuck.

Fuck
.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

If losing Queen Vanessa was a pain in the ass - the news I'm about to impart is downright ghastly. I'll start small and work my way up, shall I?

Disco Jesus has left the company to take up a third contract with FIP. I can't say I'm overly phased by this because he was a one trick pony with a shit stat-line and no real charisma. Maybe I'll bring him back someday if I can find a Techno Buddha and a few other musical deities to team him with. Maybe.

Secondly, Tyler Black has picked up a seven month injury after breaking his arm in three places. Apparently he's so 'into' being his heart-broken character that after being beaten down by Shelly and Jimmy Tell, he went into and vented by punching the ever-loving fuck of my bedroom door. Not only does that leave me without one of my emerging stars involved in a storyline, but it also leaves me $400 out of pocket. There's no way I'll get my security deposit back now.

And finally? Bee Man has joined Queen Vanessa in rehab. Yes, somehow the two of them have managed to go down in consecutive months. If I wasn't so sure that Bee Man was asexual, I'd assume he was just looking to join her for the tang. How the hell can you get addicted to Royal Jelly, anyway?

With naught to do, I've sacked Tyler Black. No need to pay him $8,000 a month to sit on his ass and feel bad about losing his kayfabe girlfriend. I've not sacked Bee Man, though, for fear of icnurring the wrath of faceless readers the world around. I'm pretty sure ReborninFlames could track me down and kill me, if he needed to.

So, this obviously leaves me in quite a bind. Taking out (Murray's) check-book, I've done a little hiring. My new acquisitions:

Fred La Merveille: Was 'Wonder Fred' in the last run, and an abysmal failure. Let's see if I can't do better this time, shall we?

Hi69: Had a largely uninteresting but successful run in BSW's original incarnation, but returns now as Japan's #1 spoken word/barbershop/gospel performer. I'm not sure which just yet.

Kid Rageous: A former BSW world champion, 'Suicide in a Can' Kid Rageous returns to reclaim the back yard. For those straining to remember, Rageous was involved in a star-making feud with Jimmy Jacobs last time around, and produced some stellar matches. I've paired him with a manager by the name of...

Ms. Crystal: That's right, I've re-hired the intimidating former basketballer now that I have something to do with her. She'll be Kid Rageous' voice, since he's got absolutely no charisma.

Seth Knight: Another BSW 'original', Knight will reprise his role as a dirty, sleazy, violent pimp. His hardcore promos were a highlight in the original run, so let's see if I can recapture the glory by teaming him with...

Whore: 'Nuff said. Anyone noticing a distinctly mysoginistic flavour when it comes to women in BSW? I swear, it's not intentional.

Guyra Abbattoir presents....

100% Real Beef

'Stunning' Shane Madison vs. Jimmy Tell: Word is that Tyler Black has fled from BSW after the torture he's received from Tell and Shelly, and now the misanthrope needs a new target for his amusement. Will he find it in Hard Gay's sexual plaything?

Shemus vs. Seth Knight: On the back of his first ever BSW win, Shemus takes on newcomer, Seth Knight. The foul tempered pimp will be out to make an impression, but will Shemus' confidence being at an all time high have an effect on the outcome?

Hi69 vs. Kid Rageous: These two talented newcomers are out to make an impression in what promises to be a high flying clash. Which BSW newcomer will make an ideal start to their Berner Street Wrestling career?

Mr. Charisma vs. Fred la Merveille: Charisma last month got involved in The Ice's business to gift Shemus with his first BSW win. Tonight the charismatic one clashes with another newcomer, but The Ice is sure to be waiting in the wings.

And with Bee Man mysteriously disappearing after last month successfully defending his BSW World Title against Sir Quincy Penfold in a ladder match, what will the fate of the BSW World Title be? Will Sir Quincy Penfold reclaim his gold by default? Or will some plucky young star step forward and make him fight for it?

Edited by CWBush
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100% Real Beef

It's the end of an era in many ways for Berner Street Wrestling - with iconic originals such as Bee Man and Disco Jesus either fired or on the shelf, Tyler Black out through injury, and Sir Quincy Penfold the sole draw we really have remaining. But without the poaching and the injuries we'd have never had El Generico or Phoenix last time around - and I'm determined to not let it get me down. The bottle of whiskey has helped, certainly.

Despite the big blow to our roster we've got a crowd of thirty tonight. Let's see what happens!

-- Jimmy Tell vs. 'Stunning' Shane Madison --

The first clash of the night sees Hard Gay and his lover out in the ring ready to cut a promo when Jimmy Tell's music hits and the misanthropic son of a bitch hits the ring with fists flying. Hard Gay gets some hard contact in the form of a brutal lariat, and it's all he can do to bail out of the ring under a barrage of kicks from the fired up Tell. Madison's clubbing blow across the back somewhat diminishes the fire in Tell's belly, as the crowd's 20% reaction doesn't exactly set the world afire.

Having gained the upper hand, Madison controls things nicely with his brutal power game - following it up with an abdominal stretch that Tell is able to break out of. The match quality is surprisingly good, a 91% rated opener between two guys who have a real opportunity to break the tin ceiling (we can't afford glass) now that Bee Man is out of the picture for the forseeable future. The end to this 55% rated segment comes somewhat abruptly - Tell sliding out of the ring after putting Madison down with a neckbreaker and returning with a chair which he proceeds to beat the stunning one brutally with. There's blood flowing as the referee rings the bell to give a DQ finish. Tell doesn't look like letting up, though - and Hard Gay's interference rewards him with a brutal shot to the head as well. Jimmy Tell has snapped! He beats both men down until security (in the form of Magro and I) hit the ring to break things up. Has Tell lost it now that his object of torture is on the shelf!?

-- Pimpin' 'Aint Easy --

'What U Know' by T.I hits as Seth Knight and a fairly gorgeous Korean woman make their way down to the ring. Knight is bedecked in a flowing fur coat (faux fur, since I'm poor) and carries an expensive looking cane. He is a pimp, and he's proud of it. 'Whore', as she's known, wears cut off jeans that barely conceal her ass and a tiny bikini top.

Sophie: She's wearing what?

Me: She's a hooker, Sophie. That's how they're supposed to look!

Sophie: Please. You just wanted a gorgeous girl to wear next to nothing

Me: I asked you first!

Sophie: *Sigh*

Edited by CWBush
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DM: Well, apparently I have been made the object of mockery this month. But fear not! My desire will go on undaunted and my search shall continue next month. I urge all real interested parties to submit their offers as soon as possible. Don't miss out on this tremendous one time offer! You could be listening to Led Zepplin and eating doritos with me!
Edited by RavenBlack
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Loved the show CW! Just wanted to throw my 2 cents worth of comments out there.......

  • It's about time that Skid Row got off the skids (pun intended..) and did something with himself.

    Glad to see his championship reign start and hope he will be a good draw for you.

  • I absolutely love the DM's promos. Keep him on the mike every show.

    His reading of the letters was hilarious. Especially the one from the freshly deceased Bee Man. Bzzzzzz.

  • Hated to see Bee Man die after winning the championship, but that royal jelly will make Bee men do strange things. I don't blame him for dying though......I'd die too if I lost my stinger.........Bzzzzzz (stingerless...).

  • I couldn't help but notice this little tidbit:

    Rule Britannia hits as Sir Quincy Penfold makes his way out to the ring to a hearty booing. Skid Row walks beside him throwing red, white, and blow confetti into the air. Penfold seems to be celebrating something.
Edited by rush2112
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Seeing as you have heard my thoughts I shall go straight onto my choices for the awards.

1). Wrestler of the Year: Bee Man. Well for me there were only three real choices, Bee Man, Penfold and DM. Penfold loses because he was bogged down with Kenny Bruce for a little while. DM loses because he hasn't been in the really good matches. Thus Bee Man wins. Although it weighs on my conscience to pick someone in rehab. What kind of message am I sending the children? Now everyone is going to be hooked on Royal Jelly.

2). Match of the Year: Bee Man. Sir Quincy Penfold. Keg Party. Bias be damned

3). Promo of the Year: The Time Draws Near from 100% Real Beef. I couldn't in good conscience pick a Bee Man and Queen Vanessa promo, seeing as while good they don't come anywhere near the quality of Dungeon Master's. Penfold's are great, but I just like DM better. There we are.

4). Worst Wrestler: Kenny Bruce. I've only had one moment where I liked the dude so he gets the thumbs down from me.

5). Worst Match of the year: Fred La Merveille vs. Mr. Charisma. Why? It god damn sucks that's why.

6). Worst Promo of the Year: Tyler Break’s Heartbreak from BSW Under Developed. It has nothing going for it. Tyler whines, Charisma only adds one line that does anything for the promo and by that time it's too late. But I suppose that is to expected in a promo where all the person does is whine.

Edited by RebornInFlames
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1). Wrestler of the Year: Bee Man. The guy may be dead, the legacy never will!

2). Match of the Year: SQP VS Bee Man with Bee Man winning his first title.

3). Promo of the Year: Dungeon Master search for a lady

4). Worst Wrestler: Fred La Mervielle

5). Worst match of the year: Kid Rageous Vs Hi69

6). Worst Promo of the Year: Hard Gay & Stunning Shane Madison, don't know really why but I don't like them.

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1). Wrestler of the Year: Bee Man. I really wanted to put DM< but he was under-used early on in the year.

2). Match of the Year: Goota agree with the rest here. BeeMan winning the title at Keg Party was just a touch better than the ladder match at Death By The Swingset.

3). Promo of the Year: "The Time Draws Near" - DM at 100% Real Beef

4). Worst Wrestler: Disco Jesus. The gimmick didn't go far enough.

5). Worst match of the year: Jimmy Tell vs Disco Jesus - Death by the Swingset.

6). Worst Promo of the Year: Hard Gay and Shane Madison at Keg Party. I just don't like them.

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Long Time Reader of trhe Original BSW, Just finished reading the end of the original... [Year without a computer] Glad to see that you are going back to what made you famous here, In My Opinion. But keep up the work and keep me laughing, Woke up my daughter reading most of the last two pages... But here are my picks.

1). Wrestler of the Year: Bee Man - Nuff Said

2). Match of the Year: Ladder Match w/ Bee Man and SQP, well written and kept me reading

3). Promo of the Year: Anything by Jimmy Tell

4). Worst Wrestler: Mr. Charisma - Didn't like the pompus asshole the first time around and still don't like him now but other than him I have to go with Disco Jesus

5). Worst match of the year: Can't Nominate a Bad Match on account that they are written so well.

6). Worst Promo of the Year: Hard Gay

Keep My Laughing!

Steve

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