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GoGo Yubari Ranks the James Bond Themes (Except the Main One)


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#1 GoGo YubArctic Rescue Ant

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 06:53 PM

YUP. Y'all are debating it in the Census and I have decided to make a list ranking them. This is the objective, correct list because my opinions are always right. Deal. (And discuss, and state your lists and maybe do full ones if you want once I'm finished or WHATEVER. But mine will be the best.)

It's going to be a countdown of the 22 Bond themes in the wake of Dr. No. I'm not counting the original Bond theme because that's not even fair. You don't count that. And I'm not including anything from any movie not in the official series. Apologies to the 0 Never Say Never Again fans on EWB.

Now, to the worst Bond theme of all time!































.


22. "All Time High" by Rita Coolidge (from Octopussy)

Ha! You thought it was going to be Madonna, didn't you? YOU ALL THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE MADONNA! Most likely because you forgot that this theme even existed. I know I did; I bought a CD of all the Bond themes when I was a kid (and repurchased it last year at a sale), and I don't think "All Time High" was on there. This is most likely because it is by far the worst Bond theme ever. There are other bad Bond themes, but this is the only one that doesn't even make the slightest effort to even sound like it's supposed to be about either the movie itself (not that I can fully blame someone for not wanting to write a song titled "Octopussy"), or even just a song about a spy. Instead, the further you go in the more it sounds like it should be the theme of an '80s family sitcom. It's basically the end of the period of Bond themes that were love songs sung, presumably, about/to Bond, and no fucking wonder they went straight to Duran Duran after this. This is pretty much the bottom of the barrel as far as that goes.

.
Next Time: Getting rid of the obvious!

#2 Mongrel

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:06 PM

Expecting a top five placing from a-ha!



#3 SRN

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:22 PM

I wonder how long it will take for this list to be wrong. Nothing worrying so far, though.



#4 Souszlo Panaflex

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:24 PM

I have faith in GoGo to recant his long-held admiration for "Goldfinger" and give the nod to Nancy Sinatra.

#5 GoGo YubArctic Rescue Ant

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:24 PM

I wonder how long it will take for this list to be wrong. Nothing worrying so far, though.

Based on your awful taste? Give it three picks or so.

#6 SRN

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:25 PM

I wonder how long it will take for this list to be wrong. Nothing worrying so far, though.

Based on your awful taste? Give it three picks or so.

:lmao:



#7 Souszlo Panaflex

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:27 PM

GoGo's #1 pick is Austrian death metal band Kriegshümscht for their blistering headbanging anthem about the man with the golden gun.

#8 SRN

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:30 PM

Still isn't better than my goddess Shirley Bassey.  :wub:

 

Also, the #1 Austrian metal band is Summoning, not the one you mentioned.



#9 Souszlo Panaflex

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:32 PM

That you have an opinion on Austria's #1 metal band proves my point. :shifty:

#10 SRN

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:33 PM

Because by liking metal, I couldn't possibly like other kinds or genres of music?



#11 Souszlo Panaflex

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:34 PM

Exactly! Get back in the tiny box I have put you in!

#12 SRN

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:36 PM

Also, Summoning was the only metal band from Austria I could think of.  :shifty:



#13 God_The Devil_And_Hbob

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 07:59 PM

Pfft, Soren, everyone knows the best ever Death Metal band came out of Denton.



#14 SRN

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 08:05 PM

Pfft, Soren, everyone knows the best ever Death Metal band came out of Denton.

Still need to listen to something that isn't The Sunset Tree from them. Pour on the recommendations (by PM, because I think I have hijacked GoGo's thread long enough).



#15 Mr GAzerbaijan

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 08:20 PM

Totally agree with All Time High being the worst theme. But it doesn't sound like an 80's family sitcom theme. It sounds more like an 80s coffee advert theme. SO THERE.



#16 David Byrne-oo-wuh

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 08:27 PM

I'm just gonna preemptively BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and leave this thread to rot.



#17 TheWho87

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 10:25 PM

It's going to be a countdown of the 22 Bond themes in the wake of Dr. No. I'm not counting the original Bond theme because that's not even fair. You don't count that. And I'm not including anything from any movie not in the official series. Apologies to the 0 Never Say Never Again fans on EWB.

I guess that means the better Casino Royale is out



#18 The Mask of Norro

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 11:04 PM

I will personally stage a riot with my supporters on GoGo's front lawn and leave nasty voice messages if "The World is Not Enough" gets the shaft here  :shifty: 



#19 GoGo YubArctic Rescue Ant

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 11:16 PM

Yeah, no Dusty Springfield.

Okay, let's kill this one off. This one's easy.
































 

21. "Die Another Day" by Madonna

 

Yeah. Christ. This one's just comical. Like, "All Time High" is the worst Bond theme because at no point does it even make the slightest attempt to be a song for a Bond movie, and on top of that it's just a bad song. "Die Another Day," on the other hand... well. It tries to be a Bond theme. But it's a really, really, really bad Bond theme. Hamster said to me on FB that it's not as bad as people say but... I mean, I dunno. It's quite bad, and very entrenched in Madonna's awful autotune club music (MIX THE BOURGEOISIE AND THE REBELLLLLL, YEAAAAAAAH) period. At one point she goes "SIGMUND FREUD" and then repeats "ANALYZE THIS" like five times. So bad. Very befitting of the movie its attached to.

 

Next Time: I'm not 100% on this yet, but I think it's going to be something someone mentioned that they quite like in the census. Oh yeah.



#20 JosÚ Stouki˝ho

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 11:22 PM

Next Time: I'm not 100% on this yet, but I think it's going to be something someone mentioned that they quite like in the census. Oh yeah.

 

License To Kill. Calling it.



#21 Hewey

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 11:55 PM

As long as Live And Let Die and Goldfinger are in the top spots, you won't get any complaints from me. (Y)

 

But seriously, Die Another Day is such a horrible song, but it does make sense since Die Another Day is the worst Bond movie by far. As for the next song, it's either Licence To Kill or Moonraker maybe?



#22 SRN

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 12:35 AM

I agree so far.

 

So far.

 

:shifty:



#23 damshow

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 12:59 AM

Yeah the 2 truly awful ones are out of the way.  Most Bond themes are pretty good at the absolute worst, but we've still got a couple songs that are forgettable still to come.



#24 Road Warrior Hawksham

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 02:55 AM

I'm having this huge conflict in my head right now between Diamonds Are Forever and Goldfinger - but I am quite sure that Goldfinger would pull it out in the end. The music there just seems more iconic.

Can we at least get a nod for Snake Eater which, to this day, I would still take over most Bond themes?

#25 GoGo YubArctic Rescue Ant

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 05:51 AM

Interesting guesses from the two people who did! But no. License to Kill was mentioned in that thread, but so was...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

20. "GoldenEye" by Tina Turner


Sorry, DoubleX. While I'd agree with show that "Die Another Day" and "All Time High" are way worse than anything else, I'd put "GoldenEye" in as well as a decidedly bad James Bond theme. There are a few Bond themes where you can tell the writers (Bono and The Edge. Yeah. Ick.)  were given a cryptic title, maybe told "oh, by the way, GoldenEye is a satellite" (maybe) and had to try to shoehorn it in. Apparently this was a decent hit outside of the US for Tina Turner (of all the people to get in 1995, Tina Turner?), and... good for her? But she mostly sounds bored. She's right to be, since the music accompanying her sounds super-lazy and "this is what a James Bond theme is meant to sound like, especially if you slow it down to 33 rpm." It's a pity that the movie that revitalized the franchise has such a forgettable theme, but there you are.


Next Time: See #22.

#26 JosÚ Stouki˝ho

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 08:58 AM

Hmm...still a handful of Moore-era tunes I'd place lower, but okay.



#27 Ultra Rare Colly

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 09:55 AM

Also The Man with the Golden Gun, which is horrendous. Goldeneye is boring but its not that shit. Fully agreed on All Time High as all time worst though.

#28 Mr GAzerbaijan

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 10:03 AM

I love the GoldenEye theme. :(

#29 GoGo YubArctic Rescue Ant

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 05:51 PM

Hmm...still a handful of Moore-era tunes I'd place lower, but okay.

 

Like this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

19. "For Your Eyes Only" by Sheena Easton

 

Another product of the fact that basically 80% of the Moore themes were ballad-y love songs. I guess it makes sense since his Bond is the one where the playboy stuff was emphasized more than anywhere else, but it makes for a pretty same-y period of three or four movies. We're at the point where I don't actively dislike any of the themes going forward (and 19 out of 22, that's a pretty good track record), and so it gets harder to properly separate and rank them. "For Your Eyes Only" is... fine? It's not offensive to the ears and it has a pretty good, catchy chorus. But man, it's really just sort of boring when you get away from that, isn't it. I think generally when a Bond theme succeeds you're going to hear a bunch of less-good versions of that theme in subsequent movies, and this is one of them.

 

Next Time: Great artist, not so great song.



#30 JosÚ Stouki˝ho

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Posted 01 March 2013 - 07:21 PM

Exactly like that. :shifty:




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