The Sordid History of Sousa's Horrible Musical Tastes

[MalaCloudy Black]

I was named after Randy Travis, because my mom was listening to a lot of his albums while she was pregnant with me. I like to pretend I was named after someone cooler, but who the fuck is cool and named "Travis"? Nobody. That's who. Nobody.

[C-MIL]

As far as Travises go, you could do worse than Randy.

Like Tritt...

Man, I remember that monk craze all too well.

Those were good times.

[Colly]

I was named after Randy Travis, because my mom was listening to a lot of his albums while she was pregnant with me. I like to pretend I was named after someone cooler, but who the fuck is cool and named "Travis"? Nobody. That's who. Nobody.

Bickle?

[ROC]

I was named after Randy Travis, because my mom was listening to a lot of his albums while she was pregnant with me. I like to pretend I was named after someone cooler, but who the fuck is cool and named "Travis"? Nobody. That's who. Nobody.

Travis Porter?

[Sousa]

I'm not a big fan of Weird Al at all - I prefer stylistic parodies to explicitly parodying a specific song - but his polka medleys are brilliant, and he put one of the most mind-bogglingly insane live shows I've ever seen.

I'm at the point now where I definitely prefer his style parodies to his standard "this song but with funny lyrics" parodies. This album's not so hot with that--he does a Sparks-style song (He's a big Sparks fan), a kinda-sorta They Might Be Giants send-up, and a "Come As You Are"-style grunge song. A lot of Al's stuff is more goofy for its own sake instead of being pointed, but he's got a very good band, so he can do a lot.

On a polka medley note, this one contains "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails and edits the chorus to "I wanna *SOUND EFFECT* you like an animal." My mom wanted to know what *SOUND EFFECT* stood for, which led to her actually listening to "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. Walking in on her doing this was one of the more surreal moments of my teenage years. And fortunately she didn't go back two tracks to "Heresy," I think that might have actually killed her.

And there's a Travis in Blink-182, I think, so no, there are no good Travii. Except you Cloudy.

[VerbalPuke]

I don't know if I'd call UHF a classic without some qualifications--I like how shamelessly stupid it is, and it's got a good cast (and Victoria Jackson), and I never regret watching it. But it's not the best and could really drop the whole "town rallies together to save the station" nonsense and just revel in its own stupidity.

I tend to call everything a classic if it's something I enjoyed from years ago. I'm not honestly considering putting UHF in the same echelon as the Godfather or Gone With The Wind, just a term my old man and I have used for everything. Evil Dead 2? Classic. The Warriors? Classic. Just how we've always done it.

Anyway, shamelessly stupid is a great way to describe that movie, probably the same reason I've always dug Al's music videos. It's the same type of insanity going on.

[GhostMachine]

As far as Travises go, you could do worse than Randy.

Like Tritt...

Man, I remember that monk craze all too well.

Those were good times.

*cough* T-R-O-U-B-L-E and Where The Corn Don't Grow (and yes, i know its a cover, his version is killer) > anything Randy Travis ever did.

[Sousa]

Metallica - Metallica (1991)

This is quite a tonal shift. Get used to that, Sousa is a teenager now.

It was my friend Matt who first told me to listen to Metallica. He was the son of the pastor of the Baptist church, and that's pretty much a summary of how weird it was being Teenage Sousa. This would've been 1997-ish when I first bought the cassette (because I am an ancient) of the hallowed Black Album, and those of you who know your Metallica know that was a pretty lousy time. For me, this was an important time as a music fan, the first time I really landed on something without the influence of my parents. Matt would lead me to Aerosmith as well (not on this list), which in turn would lead me to the darkness that is to follow this entry.

I think what led me to Metallica in general and the Black Album in particular was the fact that it was both heavy and melodic. Say what you will about the post-"selling out" Metallica, but you're not going to find a better gatekeeping song for heavy metal than "Enter Sandman." I know a lot of people here are into much, much heavier stuff than Metallica, but I could never really get much harder than dipping my toes into Pantera from time to time. No, what the Black Album really did was lead me deeper and deeper into Metallica, and there was a lot to like. For a long time--at least a year or so--I would collect the CDs from the library and, in a time when CD-burning drives were prohibitively expensive, record them onto cassettes.

I think of Metallica now as my "e-fed music." At the time, wrestling was doing very well, and roleplay for wrestling was equally fun, with AOL mailing lists brimming with brightly-colored promos from teenagers pretending to be their heroes. And when I needed entrance music, I tended to turn to Metallica. A mysterious fellow (TOTALLY CLEVERLY) named Enigma got http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzMJhOwBLqw. A giant evil bastard named Tempest got "Sad But True", while his cult leader alter-ego "Seven Sins" Lucius Lancaster got http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKQTWq6ZbTc. At one point, in my and my brother's "edit the guys in WCW/nWo Revenge wrestling league," I would build characters around nothing more than particular Metallica songs (Here's looking at you, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2Qq_tBhDsQ!).

Eventually, my metal phase gave way to alternative rock as my friends' tastes became more sophisticated along with mine, but not before briefly passing through some old Aerosmith hard rock, a dash of Rob Zombie both with and without the band, and... what's coming next. As for Metallica? I'm just considering the album that set me down that path.

To preempt the criticism that's inevitably going to happen, yes, I liked Master of Puppets. I liked it a lot, probably more than this album. But the Black Album's the one that steered me down this path, and I remember it being a lot more polarizing. I can see why. It's... something.

Personally, I didn't like it much. The thing about listening to Metallica now that I'm 30 rather than 13 is that their ham-handedness jumps right to the forefront. They're so obvious on this album. Maybe Puppets was more intricate--I don't remember because I'm not listening to another Metallica album just for the sake of comparison--but they strike me as talented musicians performing the musical equivalent of being smacked over the head with a bag of bricks. You could read the title of "Wherever I May Roam" and know everything you need to know about "Wherever I May Roam."

So yeah, my opinion was split pretty strongly about which songs I liked and which songs I didn't, and most of the ones I liked, I liked because they were ridiculous. The music is generally fine despite the fact that the songs drag on forever ("Holier Than Thou" is the shortest song on the album and I counted two places where it reasonably should've ended before it did).

The instrument that works the least often is, of course, James Hetfield. God damn this man's voice. God damn I used to think this man was a decent vocalist. He's not going to be the worst on this list (STAY TUNED GUYS), but he's got this awful L.A. snarl with no real art to it and a whole lot of going "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAH" at the end of every single word. You can just let it go, Jim, I know you like to enunciate, but we've figured out that word ends in an "N" quite some time ago. And he's belting out the most inane, obvious lyrics in history, bludgeoning the listener with themes instead of crafting songs. None of it's clever, and almost all of it sucks.

So +1 Metallica, -1 James Hetfield, why are you and fucking Lars "STOP STEALING MY MUSIC FROM NAPSTER" Ulrich the ones who keep sticking around in this band, jesus christ.

Song Highlights:
"Enter Sandman" - Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. This song would be a highlight if it was on a

album. I can't not like this song, even if "menacing lullaby" is just about as horror movie cliché as you can get. It builds, it thunders, and it's catchy as hell. EEEEEEEEEEXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT, EEEEEEEEEEEENTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH NIYIYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.
"Through the Never" - Out of fucking nowhere, this one. I remember never liking this song much. I guess I'm old enough now to appreciate that this is basically hard rock Carl Sagan. Yes, it's Carl Sagan with brain damage, but I'll take it.
"Of Wolf and Man" - Oh my fucking god this one. Oh man. Oh wolf. SHAPE-SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYIFT. I am in awe of this one. It is a masterstroke. I loved this song as a kid, but as an adult who can appreciate that it's not every day you get to hear a singer do a god-awful howl on a mainstream rock album, it's taken on a whole new dimension. back to the meaning, BACK TO THE MEANING OF... LLLLLLLLLLIFE. For the record, this was the entrance music for "Hellhound" Darian Creed, who I think was Sick Boy.

Song Lowlights:
"Nothing Else Matters" - Jesus. The worst thing you can POSSIBLY do is put quasi-Zeppelin guitar noodling under Hetfield's inane lyrics, which amount to "We are friends and care about each other AND I AM INCREDIBLY SINCERE ABOUT IT." And again, because it's a Metallica song, it lasts for six fucking minutes. And it was one of the album's singles. Fucking hell.
"Don't Tread on Me" - Come on, guys. Your last album was ...And Justice for All, and your most successful song up to this point has been about a soldier on life support. Nobody believes this. "LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, SHE WITH THE DEADLY BITE." I guess you guys should've left it during the last album?
"The Unforgiven" - I hope I get a chance to grill still more sacred cows. But yeah, ugh, this one. I guess it's fine musically? But balladry is about lyrics, and Metallica has zero knack for lyrics.

With the Benefit of Hindsight:
Of course Teenage Sousa was going to like this. I got a ton of nostalgia hearing it now, and in fact I got in touch with Matt the Pastor's Son again. He and his wife just had their first daughter. And I interrupted playing--oh yes--Guitar Hero: Metallica. Never change, Matt. Thank you for introducing me to "Enter Sandman" anyway; I just wish it hadn't led me where it led me.

NEXT: Why am I doing this. There is an obvious way out and I refuse to take it. Six minutes of "Nothing Else Matters" is nothing at all compared to ten minutes of... you'll see.

[MalaCloudy Black]

15 year old me looooooved that album, but now when I go back and listen to it I basically only listen to "Enter Sandman" and "Of Wolf And Man". "Of Wolf And Man" is so fucking corny, but I absolutely love it - less for the lyrics, more for the music.

I miss my Mystikal Master Kliff Burton.

[GhostMachine]

I kept thinking back then that "Of Wolf And Man" would have been a killer song to use in a werewolf movie where they show multiple werewolves charging into battle while transforming. A lot of people say its Metallica's last great album, and I don't agree. ....And Justice For All was.

[Sousa]

I remember hating the way Justice sounded (really tinny, not a lot of bass) and that ruined it for me. Shit, as a kid I liked ReLoad better than Justice.

[GhostMachine]

The only song I don't like on ...And Justice is Dyers Eve, which is the last song.

Funny thing is, when I DJ, the only song off it I play with any frequency is Harvester of Sorrow. I tend to stick to songs from Kill Em All, Ride The Lightning and Master Of Puppets, with Of Wolf And Man, King Nothing and No Leaf Clover, plus their version of Whiskey In The Jar getting some play. (One and Enter Sandman are overplayed by other DJs, so I only do those two by requests. They're right up there with ACDC's Thunderstruck and Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar On Me when it comes to overplayed classics.)

ReLoad, huh? Okay, i can see that. However, if you had said Load or St. Anger.....HELL NO! St. Anger is their worst album, in my opinion. The only song I actually like on it is Frantic. (I don't actually hate any of the songs on it. I just don't care for most of them) Load isn't a bad album, but isn't great, either.

[apsham]

I was expecting a Gin Blossoms album somewhere around here, honestly.

[C-MIL]

I can't believe Nothing Else Matters is only six minutes.

[Hobo]

Gregorian chants?

Pfft, I wish I had that album. Closer to what Apsham mentioned actually.

EDIT: Just found out that the album I'm alluding to was Benedictine monks rather than Gregorian. I apologize for the deception.

EDIT #2: But apparently they were Gregorian chants? So I was right the first time. Monastic orders are weird.

EDIT #3: Some context for those of you who don't get this: in 1994 the Benedictine Monks of Santo Domingo de Silos, a monastic order from Spain, put out an album called Chant of Gregorian chants. It was actually a re-release of recordings from the 1970's, but for reasons I cannot possibly hope to explain the album became ridiculously popular. We're talking about an album of Gregorian chants that went triple-platinum and led to a group of Benedictine monks appearing on Jay Leno. I remember when this came out because everyone had a copy of this album. It was one of the most bizarre musical trends of my lifetime.

Yea, I kinda remember the monk thing...1994 was weird because chanting was a big thing then. I remember this song was pretty big then too

I can't remember if Return to Innocence has a bit of chanting in it but the main bit is a song performed by two Tawianese folk artists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKtGzhAqTh0

It was also sampled without their permission, as were the chants that the guy from Engima sampled in his music.

Forever, and Ever Amen is a song I remember from my childhood too. I think my brother, and most certainly my Uncle had that Randy Travis album.

[Sousa]

I can't believe Nothing Else Matters is only six minutes.

It feels like years. About the fourth time he gets into "NEVA OPENED MAHSELF THIS WAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" I checked the fuck out.

[MalaCloudy Black]

I remember hating the way Justice sounded (really tinny, not a lot of bass) and that ruined it for me. Shit, as a kid I liked ReLoad better than Justice.

Justice's production was really awful.

[ROC]

My experience with The Black Album was very similar, years past the album's original release date (definitely into the Load/Reload era). I have specific memory of eating shit fast food like Hardee's and listening to "Of Wolf and Man" and probably not even remotely caring about lyrics. I want to pretend like it is still a classic in those regards, but Sousa has probably nailed it. If I listened to the lyrics, I would probably feel like Rage Against the Machine or whatever 1990s rock act I love was subtle by comparison.

[Sousa]

Guns N' Roses - Axl Rose Masturbates into a Sock for Two and a Half Goddamn HoursUse Your Illusion I and II (1991)

Holy jumping fuck why did I decide to do both of these. Holy mary mother of god.

Remember when I said earlier in That Secret Forum That Doesn't Exist that I was dreading doing Steven Curtis Chapman's album? I don't know what I was thinking because this was so much worse.

Okay, the shift isn't as difficult to explain this time; Metallica to Guns 'N Roses at least has a sort of logic behind it (bone-headed buttmetal --> even boner-headeder buttmetal). As with most GNR obsessions, it started with Appetite for Destruction, or "that one with all the songs you've heard." "Welcome to the Jungle," "Sweet Child of Mine," "Paradise City," they were all there except that one where Axl Rose says faggots don't mean much to him. GNR was different from Metallica in a lot of ways; where Metallica were operatic and over-the-top, on Appetite GNR were gritty, raw, and dangerous-sounding. Where Metallica were singing songs that had deeper meanings about drugs that you could understand if you had a high school reading level (and then feel smart about), GNR were dancing with Mr. Brownstone. Where Metallica's "YOU AIN'T MAH BIIIIIIIIIIIITCH-AHHHHH" felt forced, Izzy's "turn around bitch I got a use for you" felt sleazy and gross.

So yeah, Appetite. Probably a pretty good album, or at least one, like the Black Album, that I could rationalize easily in hindsight. But it wasn't the one I obsessed over. The ones I obsessed over were the Use Your Illusion albums.

These were the last two proper studio albums (excluding the covers-only The Spaghetti Incident?) that Guns N' Roses ever recorded in their original form, before Axl Rose spent seventy-eight trillion goddamn years making Chinese Democracy and before Slash left to wear a top hat for Velvet Revolver instead. They weren't a double-album; they were two albums released on the same day at the same time, and each one of them is eighty goddamn minutes long. It's the epitome of the excesses of a band that is handed the world and has no idea what to do with it, and they are both pretty damn lousy.

What drove me to this pair, then?

There was one reason, really, and it's the obvious one.

It was "November Rain."

As far as I'm concerned, this is the power ballad. I'm not saying it's the best; I'm saying it's the one that's the most emblematic of the genre. It's nine minutes long, it's got an orchestra, and it's a multi-part whiny epic about a breakup. And it's got like a dozen guitar solos in it, because of course it does.

And the music video? Yeah. This was a time when having a big music video was huge, and it didn't get much bigger than this one. It cost a gazillion dollars, put Stephanie Seymour in That Wedding Dress, and they built a church and had Slash play guitar outside of it so they could do helicopter flyovers. Excess--that's what power ballads are all about, and that's what "November Rain" embodied.

The problem with the "epic" philosophy, of course, is that "November Rain" works fine separated from the rest of the album pair, which features six songs over seven minutes and several that clock in pretty close.

And the other, non-"November Rain" songs? Holy shit, where to begin.

Let's skip the fact that, as gets commented on all the time, the irony that Axl Rose released disgusting homophobic macho jackoff songs but seems to aspire to be Elton John. The fact is that these albums are just too damn much. The hard rock songs all morph together into a nasty punk-metal sludge where "Right Next Door to Hell" might just be "Garden of Eden," which might just be "Shotgun Blues," which might just be "Double-Talkin' Jive." For a pair of companion albums that clock in at a not-at-all lean two hours and thirty minutes, there are a holy metric fuckton of filler songs.

But that doesn't mean the ballads or the more introspective songs are any better. "Civil War" is basically a ninth-grade essay turned into an eight-minute heavy metal song. "YA POWER HUNNNNNNNNNGRY SELLIN SOLDIERS IN A HUMAN GROC'RY STORE, AIN'T THAT FRESH." "Breakdown" and "Locomotive" last seven minutes apiece and go nowhere. "Estranged" is... fine, but

"ohhhl aaah haaaaaaaaaaah, budahmuuuuhlly winnnyyyy-ayyyyyyyyyyyy." The big reason I give Axl Rose a lot of shit as a vocalist is because 100% of white people from the United States are capable of singing exactly like Axl Rose. The next time you're in America and encounter a white person, demand that he sing "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHWOOOOAHWOOOOAH SWEET CHIIIIILE OF MIYEIIIIIIIIIIIIINE, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH." He'll do it.

Where was I? Oh right, "Don't Cry" is the worst ballad on the whole album, and there are two fucking versions of it, and the only difference is one has a totally different set of inane lyrics. Also, they do

to "Knockin' on Heaven's Door."

Probably the worst part of the album is the fact that it suffers from the same problems a lot of musicians encounter after they get famous: a turn for the totally insular and bitter. GNR was coming off of the GN'R Lies album (featuring aforementioned song about how Axl Rose does not much like those faggots), increased scrutiny from rock media, and a series of troubles while touring. And Axl Rose is bitter. That's why the album's full of nasty sentiments about how Axl is "sick of this life, not that you care" or pretty much all of "Get in the Ring" (which deserves its own paragraph). It's why "Don't Damn Me" is a song about how we, like, totally can't get him, man, because he's super-deep. And it's why he spends the last two minutes of the admittedly pretty okay "Coma" ranting and raving at an imagined other. Again. For like the five hundredth time.

Axl Rose is really, really into Axl Rose, basically.

Is there an upside? Well, I mean. Izzy Stradlin is the band's other vocalist. His songs tend to be a lot looser, a lot bluesier, and generally a lot better. He's kind of generic as a vocalist, but he's not that awful combination of screechy and whiny that Axl is. If there are songs I'd probably add to my regular rotation now, they're basically all his.

So yeah, this one was hard to get through. I'll focus the Highlights/Lowlights a bit onto things that haven't gotten enough ink yet because, as you can see, there was a lot I didn't like.

Song Highlights:
"Dust 'N Bones" - I really, really liked this song; I remember liking it as a kid, too. It's not one of these albums' most famous songs, but it's a gritty, nasty bit of heavy blues with a nice hook and some good guitar work.
"14 Years" - "Dust 'N Bones"'s lesser little brother from the worse of the two albums (II). It is pretty remarkable that the band can take a song about friendship and turn it into a negative-sounding rant, but it's got an okay hook.
"You Could Be Mine" - This one felt like it could've come from Appetite and as I recall was written during that period. It's a nice bit of driving metal, and it's got Axl at the helm for a change!
"November Rain"/"Estranged" - Put into one group because they're both fine over-the-top power ballads, perfectly serviceable, but I would give anything to have any other vocalist in the world singing them.

Song Lowlights:
"Don't Cry (Alternate Version)" - For doubling the amount of fucking "Don't Cry" on these albums. IT'S NOT A GOOD SONG GUYS, YOUR REVISION IS ALSO HORRIBLE, D FUCKING MINUS.
"The Garden" - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SHANNON HOON AND ALICE COOPER, YOU GUYS ARE FROM GOOD BANDS, FOR GOD'S SAKE RUN. Yeah, sleazy elementary sex nonsense that forces Alice Cooper to rhyme "If you're lost no one can show ya" with "But it sure was glad to know ya." Fucking NEXT.
"Knockin' on Heaven's Door" - For whatever reason, GNR has about a zillion covers despite being a terrible cover band. Their version of "Live and Let Die" is pretty much a straight read and benefits from that, but they put Dylan over top of the Waters Sisters and add an answering machine to the bridge. This makes me want to kill you, Axl.
"Civil War" - I'm mentioning it again because it ruins a great line from Cool Hand Luke by attaching it to this masturbatory nonsense, and it is really bad.

The Worst Thing Ever:
"Get in the Ring."

Oh boy.

Here's a trivia question: what is a healthy and reasonable way to respond to unfavorable press and bad album reviews?

A. Shrug it off. It's part of fame. And there's rocking to be done.
B. Call out "the ones tryin' to keep us down" at concerts and such, using the cheers of the crowd to remind you that you're part of something bigger, and then get back to the rocking that's to be done.
C. Cut an interview in Rolling Stone calling out the lies and slander of the paparazzi machine, then moving on to plug your new album, because there's rocking to be done.
D. WRITE AN ENTIRE SONG ABOUT ALL OF THE CRITICS WHO DON'T GET YOU, CALLING THEM FUCKING PUSSIES AND ENCOURAGING THEM TO GET IN THE RING SO YOU CAN BEAT THEIR "BITCHY LITTLE ASS[ES], PUNK," AND ALSO INCLUDE FAKE CROWD NOISES AND A FUCKING WEIGH-IN.

If you picked anything but D, congratulations! You are better than fucking Axl Rose.

So yeah, "Get in the Ring" is basically emblematic of everything I fucking hate about these albums. It wraps its self-righteousness in anthemic "WHY D'YA LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE WHEN YA HATE ME!?" quasi-punk rock wailing. It answers legitimate criticism with brain-dead macho posturing. It calls out actual real human beings by name in the bridge as if anyone on Earth but Axl Rose gives the tiniest squirt of a shit about Andy Secher of Hit Parader. "Fuck you! Suck my fuckin' dick!" We would if you'd take your hand off of it for longer than three seconds, Axl.

Oh, yeah, and it ends with a fake crowd chanting "GET IN THE RING!" while Axl dedicates the song to "all the Guns N' fuckin' Roses fans who stuck with us through all the fuckin' shit! And to all those opposed... well."

"GET IN THE RING! GET IN THE RING! GET IN THE RING!"

I guess I'd better get in the ring.

With the Benefit of Hindsight:
Fuck this album. I hate you, Teenage Sousa. Next!

NEXT: It gets a little better but still has some weird songs.

[GhostMachine]

Pretty much agree with your assessment there. Except I actually like "The Garden". Unfortunately, I do get requests for their cover of "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" when I DJ......meh.

Oh, and one more criticism of GNR as a cover band: they covered Nazareth's "Hair Of The Dog" and actually left out the cowbell. Who in their right mind would do that to one of the two greatest cowbell classics?!