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GA! presents The CineMortuary Podcast

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GA!    11,418

I have a podcast now! Yes! Me! The guy who sounds like a bored donkey shitting a pineapple! A podcast!

The CineMortuary Podcast takes a look at revolting remakes and ghastly sequels of horror films. We try not to give every film a kicking, but our choices are a bit less Dawn of the Dead (the original) and a bit more random Jaws knock-off #24.

 

Here's episode 1:

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CineMortuary kicks off with a review of a film from the Alien franchise. No, not that one. Nor the other one. Instead we delve into Jean-Pierre Jeunet's extremely subtle masterpiece. Along the way we find who Rob thinks is a "shovel with eyes", what genre Dave pretends this is to alleviate the pain, and slowly realise how many times Chris says "in all fairness" (well, we don't, but now you will).

 

Mandatory social media stuff:

You can follow us @cinemortuary on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and we also have a Letterboxd account but fuck knows what we'll do with that.

 

We aim for a new episode once every two weeks because I'm having to drive to York and record episodes in bulk at the moment. Two more are ready to go, FYI.

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GA!    11,418

So questionable, we made another one:

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This time we dive deep into Dave's DVD pile of despair. It's a shark film so the Jaws 'references' (if we're being extremely charitable) begin from frame one. We should be angry at the lack of effort all round, but we just get confused over whether Shark Attack II takes place in Australia or South Africa. Or both?

 

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GA!    11,418

Next episode is Monday, but Shark Attack 2 is right now. Here's a video preview I made:

 

 

 

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GA!    11,418

Episode 3, is it?

 

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In 2007, Rob's favourite film was remade by the (at the time) hottest horror director in Hollywood. Now ten years later, Dave and Chris make him relive what turned out to be one of his worst viewing experiences, because we love him that much. Can the gang survive the trip to Haddonfield? Or will they get lost forever in Rob Zombie's geographically confused clusterfuck?

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

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GA!    11,418

EPISODE 4...

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Rob, Dave, and Chris bring that beat back as we dive headfirst into 2001. We talk about Drowning Pool, The Matrix, and the fashion sense straight outta Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You can hear the nostalgia in our voices - we may even go and get frosted tips after this.

Oh and Jason Voorhees is frozen, woken up hundreds of years later, shot up into space, whatever.

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

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GA!    11,418

Episode 5...

 

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It's the second round of Dave's Laserdisc shitbin. This time we look at Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1994), which IMDB describes as follows:

Based on Kenneth Branagh's novel, "Kenneth Branagh" tells the story of Kenneth Branagh, a promising young doctor who, devastated by the death of Kenneth Branagh during childbirth, becomes obsessed with bringing Kenneth Branagh back to life. His experiments lead to the creation of Kenneth Branagh, which Kenneth Branagh has put together with the remains of corpses. It's not long before Kenneth Branagh regrets his actions.

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary
KENNETHBRANAGH: kennethbranagh.com/kennethbranagh.html

 

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K    8,904

I would like to support an EWBer podcast, but I do not watch spooky movies because I am a big baby. Would you say its worth a listen if you're not familiar with the source material?

There are a couple movie/show podcasts I've listened to, which you definitely want to have watched the source material for (Greatest Gen) and some for which not watching probably makes them funnier (Worst Idea of all Time)

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GA!    11,418

We have a reasonable go at describing the action as it happens. I would always say it's worth a listen as I'm the one promoting it - but it's hard to tell as I've obviously seen the films. I have listened to podcasts before in the same vein as this without seeing the films and I had no problems following along.

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Avenged    3,980
On 30/11/2017 at 16:53, K said:

I would like to support an EWBer podcast, but I do not watch spooky movies because I am a big baby. Would you say its worth a listen if you're not familiar with the source material?

There are a couple movie/show podcasts I've listened to, which you definitely want to have watched the source material for (Greatest Gen) and some for which not watching probably makes them funnier (Worst Idea of all Time)

I’ve listed to a few where I haven’t actually seen the film (Jason X most recently) and it was a good laugh. 

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GA!    11,418
On 04/12/2017 at 18:59, Avenged said:

I’ve listed to a few where I haven’t actually seen the film (Jason X most recently) and it was a good laugh. 

D'awwww, you! :wub:

 

If you use Facebook on a desktop or through a battery-killing phone app, check out the profile video https://www.facebook.com/CineMortuary/

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GA!    11,418

Episode 6:

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The final episode of 2017 takes us into the realms of weird space flowers, weird sports zombies, and weird Jeff Goldblum wandering onto the set until they were forced to put him in the film. Chris (sponsored by water®) explains why the 1956 is his favourite horror film, while Rob and Dave play switcheroo on their opinions about the remake. But who's to say our hosts haven't been replaced by alien versions of themselves? It'd certainly explain the cabbages in the corner of the recording studio...

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

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GA!    11,418

No new episodes until New Year's Day, so here's a playlist of everything to date for no reason at all:

 

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GA!    11,418

happy new year here's a new episode

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Having travelled beyond the Long Hard Road Out of Hell (aka 2017), This Is the New Shit. Rob, Chris, and Dave review the House of Haunted Hill remake; where instead of some Disposable Teens, we have The Nobodies. They better Get their Gunns (from coffins-within-coffins for some reason) and break out the Fight Song as our Beautiful People must spend a night in said haunting house without dying. Will it be Arma-goddamn-motherfuckin-geddon for our Born Villains? Please listen to this episode because if you don't, WE KNOW WHERE YOU FUCKING LIVE.

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

Includes me singing a cover of (a cover of) 'Sweet Dreams' by Marilyn Manson. Yes.

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@GA!, I don't watch a lot of horror but I thought I would give your podcast I listen as I love podcasts. It's really enjoyable. The three of you have great chemistry (even if I don't know who's who most of the time :P). But I feel you explain the movies well enough even if I haven't watched it. It's great. I'm up to your Frankenstein episode and will keep listening!

The wrestling shout-outs also help. 

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Gazz    53,716

GA is the one whose voice sounds like smooth, sexual butter flowing into your earypipes.

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iDOL    5,281

I will always have a soft spot for that awful Frankenstein film (though I still don’t think it is as bad as ever everyone says it is) - as it was my introduction to the Frankenstein lore and I didn’t see any other films or read the actual novel until college.

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GA!    11,418
On 18/01/2018 at 13:41, Ms. Canadian Destroyer said:

@GA!, I don't watch a lot of horror but I thought I would give your podcast I listen as I love podcasts. It's really enjoyable. The three of you have great chemistry (even if I don't know who's who most of the time :P). But I feel you explain the movies well enough even if I haven't watched it. It's great. I'm up to your Frankenstein episode and will keep listening!

The wrestling shout-outs also help. 

Awwww, you :wub:

I've not been on here for a while. As such we're now on Episode 10!

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Roses are red

Violets are blue

Yo brah check this pickaxe

As I stick it through you

 

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

Episode 8 was The Mummy Returns and episode 9 was The Wicker Man. Check everything out!

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GA!    11,418
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Somewhere in Spain, exactly 500 years ago tonight, Dailymotion was created as a rival to YouTube. But it was a bit bollocks and uncool so everyone forgot about it. What will happen when the king of obsolete formats gives the other two hosts a reason to venture into this ghost town? Nothing but red X's and ten year old episodes of TNA Impact await.

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

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GA!    11,418

 

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Our last episode featured a film so obscure, we've made an effort to synergetically put our ducks in a row and target our key demographics in order to enhance the CineMortuary experience. Who'd have thought reviewing a modern film would shoot us into the big time? Now buy our merch.

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

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GA!    11,418

 

 

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The first part of CineMortuary's unboxing trilogy sees Rob deliver a near-literal turd in a box. That's why we're dipping back into John Carpenter remake territory with the 2005 remake of The Fog - where atmospherics and Jamie Lee Curtis have been replaced by Fall Out Boy and Shannon from Lost. On the plus side, CEX will offer to buy Dave and Chris' newly acquired DVDs for 1p.

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

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GA!    11,418
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Part 2 of CineMortuary's unboxing trilogy and Dave's at it again choosing films that are horror in name only (granted the first Blade was quite goretacular). We're too excited from seeing Danny John Jules in a non-Red Dwarf role to care.

www.cinemortuary.com

TWITTER: twitter.com/cinemortuary
FACEBOOK: facebook.com/cinemortuary
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/cinemortuary

 

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GA!    11,418

Episode 015 - The Grudge (2004)

iTunes // RSS // Soundcloud

So we're clear: the maid's body was in the attic before the married couple's because the maid's sequence at the beginning of the film takes place chronologically after the couple move in and it's their corpses the maid sees as she's dragged up and killed before the couple move in and wait that's not right--

Facebook // Twitter // Instagram

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