Most Bizarre Sports Entertainment League

[Guest U.s_Champ_Mysterio]

Nice D.W.A set up for john Kerry and George Dubya Bush

[Besmirched Tea]

Another fun show. I love it when you describe how a move appears, such as a pretty good looking bulldog or a perfect looking elbow drop!

Ronald clinches the hold in as Triple L stumbles to his feet.

Wouldn't that be foot? Unless he had put his fake leg back on, which he hadn't.

I'm majorly looking forward to the 3 hour PPV!!!!!!! I'm giddy just thinking about it.

[RPS]

D.W.A. PRESENTS DUCK YOU!

The opening theme music for Duck You is Chop Suey by System of a Down. The introduction is basically most of the wrestlers in poses resembling a duck. Than at the very end of the introduction, we see standing is Caleb Darke, with the Duck in the middle and John Kerry on the far right. The three all are wearing business suits [picture the Duck in a business suit post haste] and all look to be very powerful.

We kick right off into this weeks episode of DUCK YOU with John Kerry coming to the ring. Accompanying John Kerry is a handful of individuals including Caleb Darke, The Duck, Julian Snakes, Johnny Colorado and Wendell Mehitler who seems to have “proved” himself last-week. John Kerry gets into the ring and he grabs a microphone.

JOHN KERRY: “Well, America, you guys are indeed hard fighters. I thought you’d all just sit there and take the beating that you deserved. But I was wrong! Oh, boy, was I wrong. America really fucking pisses me off sometimes, you know that. Lets start off with the biggest concern… GEORGE BUSH. George … George… George. You lost the election FAIR and SQUARE. America wanted me in power, and you know what, they were wrong. Americans are idiots for voting for me. I am going to cripple the economy, I am going to allow terrorist attacks to happen on our soil, I am going to allow gays to marry! Because I want America to sink so far down. George W. Bush our first PPV, “Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV” is coming up in three weeks. And I am calling you out… and I know you aren’t going to accept the challenge. You realize that fighting me at a PPV in my federation is SUICIDE. So I have decided to make this match a Hell In A Cell Match. That is right, we will be locked in a Prison Cell and so there will be no interference. But there is more… there is more. I am going to make this perhaps one of the most important matches of D.W.A. history. On one hand, if you win, I will give 33.333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333% of D.W.A. Ownership to you. Meaning, Caleb Darke and the Duck will also be co-owners alongside you. But, if you LOSE, you shall be exiled from The United States of America. The next man on the agenda is Dallas Darke…”

CALEB DARKE: “Let me take it from here, Mr. Kerry. Dallas, you think you can establish some sort of rebellion to combat us? Well, I’ve got news for you. You don’t have jack-shit. You cannot combat us, for we are AMERICA! But just to prove to you that we are fair, accepting people, D.W.A. has a new policy. Any wrestler can enter this building here, security will not stop them, and they make ask for a match. Meaning Dallas Darke, if you want you can enter the D.W.A. Arena and demand to fight me at “Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV.” And that is for any member of your rebellion to. We saw the Black Guy rebelled last week and left his post. Well, good for him. We have a warrant for his arrest due to him breaking duties in the army.”

THE DUCK: “QUACK! Quack, quack.”

CALEB DARKE: “Did you hear that Dallas Darke? You and your “Rebellion” are marked men. You’ve got zero chance of a coup d’etat! We are far too powerful, far too strong, and far too intelligent to be over-thrown. And we’ve got your days numbered. But if you so happen to chose the route of suicide… if you chose the path of the honorable… you’ll show up here tonight and face your fate.”

The three men running the show drop their microphones and head all the way to the back. The fans chant “WE WANT DALLAS” to nothing, as he apparently isn’t in the building here tonight.

ELEINFANT KILLER versus MIKE SMITH /w MARY SMITH

Last week we saw the dominating force of Eleinfant Killer, a man dressed as an elephant who kills babies, beat up Mike and Gene Smith. This week, they are going to be wrestling one on one in the middle of the ring. Mike Smith comes out first, with his sister Mary. She is a very attractive woman who, to put it politely has huge tits. Eleinfant Killer doesn’t even wait for the two to even make it down into the ring as he rushes up behind Mike Smith and clothes lines him from behind.

Eleinfant Killer picks up Mike Smith and drops him onto the rail. Eleinfant Killer flexes for the fans a little and than kicks Mike Smith while he is down and out. Eleinfant Killer picks up Mike Smith and than shoulder tackles him into the steel rail. Mike Smith screams out in pain as Eleinfant Killer does the same thing again on the other rail. Eleinfant Killer grabs a chair nearby and Mike Smith gets knocked senseless. Eleinfant Killer raises the chair in the air and it is a sign that he KILLS BABIES.

Eleinfant Killer makes his way into the ring and the referee awaits for a bloody Mike Smith to get into the ring, but he is having trouble getting up. Gene Smith has appeared out of no where with a chair in his hand. Gene Smith winds up with the chair, but Eleinfant Killer dodges the shot. Eleinfant Killer kicks the chair out of the hand of Gene Smith. The chair flies in the air, Eleinfant Killer mouths the words, “now I’ve got your ass.”

But the chair flies in the air and lands right on the head of Eleinfant Killer. He falls to the ground and it looks like Mike Smith has the easy victory here as he slides in the ring and covers. 1-2-3! Mike, Gene and Mary Smith all head to the back while Eleinfant Killer throws a tantrum about his loss.

WINNER: MIKE SMITH

The three of them walk through the curtain and it Gene Smith says something about going to have a shower. He walks away from his siblings. Mary Smith stops Mike Smith and the two begin a very secretative conversation.

MARY SMITH: “Michael, do you remember when… you told me “IT” wasn’t important.”

MIKE SMITH: “When what wasn’t important?”

MARY SMITH: “IT! You know, when we … you know…?”

MIKE SMITH: “I clearly don’t know.”

MARY SMITH: “For christ-sakes Mike, when we made love that one time… a while ago… remember when you told me that we didn’t have to use a condom because you said “A BROTHER CAN’T KNOCK UP HER SISTER.” Do you remember that Mikey?”

MIKE SMITH: “Yes, I do recall. You were a good lay. Better than mom.”

MARY SMITH: “Well, Mike, I’m pregnant.”

MIKE SMITH: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

MARY SMITH: “Mike, I’m pregnant. And I think you’re the father.”

MIKE SMITH: “You god-damn dirty slut. I ain’t the father. You can’t get your sister pregnant, it is a COMMONLY known fact. You are obviously sleepin’ around on me.”

MARY SMITH: “I did sleep around … yes.”

MIKE SMITH: “What the fuck Mary! How dare you? I want to kill the bastard you been sleepin’ with.”

MARY SMITH: “Mike, calm down! You are the father of this baby.”

MIKE SMITH: “That is it! Give me a name and I’ll ring their throat. I’ll kill them right here tonight…”

MARY SMITH: “Mike, you are being such an asshole. This isn’t the way me after sex!”

MIKE SMITH: “I didn’t know you were some sort of VIXEN, WHORE, SLUT, TRAMP, whatever word applies to you. That is it! I am out of here. Go and fuck some other dude, because that is what you are good for.”

Mike Smith walks away from Mary Smith now who is begging for him to come back. Mike Smith just grabs his bags and leaves. As Mike Smith walks away, Ronald Feature approaches Mary Smith and holds her stomach tightly.

RONALD FEATURE: “How is my baby doing?”

MARY SMITH: “Your baby? God-dammit, Ronald! This isn’t your baby. You are going to kill Mike if he realizes the man I slept around with was his own best-friend.”

RONALD FEATURE: “Baby, I’m a dual champion. I got two titles around my waist. And quite frankly, that is going to stay that way. Now do you want the father of your baby to be ONE champion or do you want him to be a DUAL CHAMPION. Any ways, me and Gene have a match coming up… where is he exactly?”

MARY SMITH: “He said he was going to have a shower.”

RONALD FEATURE: “Alright, if you see him tell him that I need to talk to him.”

Ronald Feature leaves a confused Mary who isn’t quite sure on what is going on in her life – who is the father of her baby and who does she want to spend the rest of her life with … a mono champion or a dual champion.

SALVADOR SEIZURE versus BONE BOY

Bone Boy comes down to the ring while Salvador Seizure stands in the ring with fury and anger in his eyes. Bone Boy tries to apologize for killing his friend last week, but Salvador Seizure will have none of it. Salvador Seizure shoves him to the mat and tells him to fight like a man. Bone Boy gets up to his feet and tries to apologize once more, but Seizure slaps him across the face.

Bone Boy slaps him back, and Salvador Seizure falls to the mat and is having a seizure! Bone Boy cannot believe what has happened, one week he kills AIDSMon, and the next week he puts AIDSMon best friend into a Seizure. The referee tends to Seizure as he convulses over and over again. But wait, in the ring now is a man about 6’11. He sneaks up behind Bone Boy and he hits a Reverse DDT. This big man slides out of the ring.

Salvador Seizure seems suddenly better from his Seizure, as he crawls over and covers Bone Boy for the three count. Salvador Seizure and his new-found friend, who’s ring tights say “CANCEROUS CARL” head to the back. Oh no, Better Off Dead II have arrived.

WINNER: SALVADOR SEIZURE

A hype video for Johnny Colorado is shown and it entails his entire career in MBSEL and D.W.A. Every thing from losing in the main event in the first show, to partaking in the death of Lobster’s family. Colorado as a result became Johnny Ramone Necrophillia Champion for a few minutes, as Antman managed to beat him. Other hi-lights include making Suicidal Patrick kill himself and than winning the Johnny Ramone Necrophillia Title as a result.

Johnny Colorado went on a spree to injure everyone in sight and did so. He nearly paralyzed Little Chaos and cut the leg of Triple L {2401 – LEG} right off. Suicidal Patrick as Patrick Zombie returned with Ted The Zombie, only to lose his head because of a sledgehammer by the hands of Johnny Colorado. Johnny Colorado jumped ships and came over to D.W.A., betraying his long-time best friend. Johnny Colorado proceeded to try to injure Maria The Update Woman on the first show, but Dave The Weather Man would have none of it. Dave The Weather Man debuted, but the next week, he couldn’t save Maria The Update Woman from being tossed through a glass window. And here we are this week… Johnny Colorado has angered almost everyone in D.W.A. and people want his head on a stake!

The scene is a marsh… the same place where 10101010101010 and Lobster crashed nearly a month ago. We haven’t seen either man since and nor have we seen Robbie California who was frozen in Spaghetti. The alien who said HARUMPH last week is no where in sight, but the camera picks up a glimpse of the Clamp of Lobster. Lobster is cutting things in two like there is no tomorrow. Trees, bushes, vaginas, and even rocks. 10101010101010 is sitting on a rock pondering the existence of mankind and how relevant robots are to that existence.

10101010101010: “Lobster. Why. Are. Robots. Important?”

LOBSTER: “Because you help our lives easier. 10101010101010, you certainly have been down lately. I mean, I want to go home as much as the next guy, but we aren’t safe. The Darke Collective is all over our asses, we can’t return to MBSEL. And here you are pondering the existence of mankind. I just wonder how Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter is holding up… hopefully Eiwehc is doing fine.”

10101010101010: “I. Want. To. Return. Back. To. MBSEL.”

LOBSTER: “Only when Harumph says I am ready to fight the Darke Collective.”

Enter Harumph, the mysterious alien who is apparently training Lobster and 10101010101010 very well. Harumph bows to Lobster, who bows back.

HARUMPH: “HARMUPH, YOU ARE IN HARMUPH! I HARMUPHED THAT YOU GUYS ARE IN HARMUPH! DALLAS DARKE HARMUPHED BY HIS BROTHER. THE DUCK AND JOHN KERRY ARE HARMUPHING THE WORLD! HARMUPH! MBSEL IS NO HARMUPH”

LOBSTER: “WHAT?!? MBSEL is no more? Dallas Darke was out witted by his brother. All of this is happening so fast. Harumph, if what you say is true, than The Duck and John Kerry were successful in creating D.W.A. I never thought it possible. I must leave now, I must find Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter…”

HARUMPH: “She HARMUPHED by J’Lo!”

LOBSTER: “Thank you Harumph! Thank you!”

HARUMPH: “HARMUPH YOU!”

Lobster and 101010101010 head out of the forest in a Northern direction. They are returning to civilization in hopes of liberating the world … can they do it? Probably not. I won’t make any guarantees.

Camera pans back to the arena…Voice of the Voiceless by Rage Against the Machine plays and we all know what that means. Dallas Darke enters the arena through the fans and Chris Flare accompanies him. Dallas Darke slaps the fans hands as he makes it closer and closer to the ring. Dallas and Chris Flare hop over the barrier and they slide in the ring. But wait… Dallas Darke is accompanied by quite a few men… probably about a dozen. One of them is The Black Guy who looks ready to kick some major D.W.A. ass.

DALLAS DARKE: “Caleb, Kerry, Duck. You guys want me to get my ass kicked. You guys want to beat the shit out of me and Chris Flare. So let us walk right into the building. Tell them Chris Flare…”

CHRIS FLARE: “Hey! Fuck you!”

DALLAS DARKE: “Precisely. Fuck you both. I ain’t going to get my ass kicked, I got me some free advertisement time. In 4 weeks, we’ll see the debut of the best damn television show … MBSEL Wednesday Night-Wankfest. That is right. You guys thought you aborted MBSEL, but god-damn, you just slowed us down. I’m here for two reasons… to tell you that no-one is safe. You all betrayed me and you are all going to feel the wrath of Dallas Darke. And here I am to tell any aspiring wrestlers, phone Dallas Darke if you want a job. I’m out.”

Dallas Darke, Chris Flare and the rebellion all proceed to leave through the crowd. The crowd chants “WE WANT DALLAS” as he leaves through the crowd. It seems as though there has been a declaration of Guerilla warfare for all wrestlers within D.W.A.

D.W.A. PEANUT BUTTER AND JAM SANDWICH TAG-TEAM TITLE MATCH

RONALD FEATURE and GENE SMITH /w MARY SMITH versus THE CHAOS BROTHERS

The fans are bit confused at first to why is Ronald Feature coming out with Mike Smith’s title… I guess that makes Ronald Feature a triple champion. Big Chaos and Little Chaos make their way down the aisle and into the ring and they will be the tag-team representing The Chaos family.

Little Chaos starts off the match against Ronald Feature. Ronald Feature locks up with Little Chaos, and hits a single leg take down. Ronald Feature proceeds to punch Little Chaos right in the testicles. Little Chaos squirms on the mat in a very uncomfortable fashion. Ronald Feature helps Little Chaos to his feet and he Irish whips him right into the turnbuckle. Little Chaos hits with such great force the entire ring shakes.

Ronald Feature tags in Gene Smith who once he enters the ring, gets the shit kicked out of him. Little Chaos hits a hurricrana and than as Gene Smith rushes at him again, hits a DDT. Little Chaos makes the hot tag to Big Chaos who enters the ring and choke slams Gene Smith. Ronald Feature enters the ring only to get CHOKE SLAMMED. Mary Smith enters the ring and she begins to scream at Big Chaos. Big Chaos feels tempted to choke slam her, but Little Chaos reminds him that she is pregnant. This distraction allows for Mary Smith to hoof him in the nards!

The referee threatens Mary Smith, who simply digs into her pockets and comes out with a tampon. Mary Smith, who doesn’t need tampons throws it at the referee. OH, NO, a woman’s contraception’s! The referee has been grossed out and as a result, passed out. There is no referee, so there will most likely be chaos. Little Chaos slaps the taste right out of the mouth of Mary Smith to a huge pop. Ronald Feature enters the ring with a dinner plate and he smashes it across the head of Little Chaos… but it doesn’t break! Ronald Feature hits him once again and now it breaks into about 5 pieces!

Big Chaos grabs Ronald Feature and he tosses him into the ropes only to choke slam him! Gene Smith is on the top rope now and Big Chaos grabs him by the throat. He tosses him from the top turn buckle all the way through an announce table. Gene Smith could very well be dead after that move, but he is up after a good second of being down. It turns out those tables DON’T hurt.

Ronald Feature is up to his feet and he is helping Mary Smith out of the ring and he makes sure he is extra careful in putting her to the outside. Eleinfant Killer has come to the ring side now and he grabs Mary Smith and he abducts her. Ronald Feature doesn’t notice this quite yet. Another referee has run out from the back and Big Chaos gets rolled up by Gene Smith. 1-2-3! Ronald Feature and Gene Smith retain their titles as they head to the back. Ronald Feature isn’t quite sure where Mary Smith has gone to…

WINNER: GENE SMITH and RONALD FEATURE

Christ Love make their way down the aisle and they proceed to give away copies of their CD to the people in the front row. They slide in the ring and demand two microphones. The fans throw the CD’s back into the ring, and by the end, no one who received a free copy still has one. Carlos Catholic is angered by this and he slides to the outside and threatens a few fans. Carlos Catholic says the CD is full of good wholesome God values, unlike those faggots and abortionist!

LEAD SINGER OF A CHRISTIAN ROCK BAND: “We have a huge announcement here folks, so sit down and TAKE IN THE WORD OF GOD!"

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “God is all around you, can’t you see? I’m sick and tired of seeing these heathens come out here and preach their own religion. God is the only path to salvation and all of you SINNERS know it. We are laying an open challenge to anyone who wants to fight us at “Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV” in our specialty match… the Crucifixion Match!”

The two devote Christians head off to the back and leave the challenge up in the air as to who will accept it. Julian Snakes makes his way to the ring with an entourage of security guards. Julian Snakes passes by the devote Christians, former enemies, and a staredown ensues. Julian Snake blows them off and he continues down the aisle.

JULIAN SNAKES: “Mango Kid, I can’t wait. You are in denial and you hate it. You are trying to convince the world you aren’t a butt-fucking queer-bag, but you are. I gave it to you, you gave it to me and all you do is sit in the closet and enjoy it. Well, it is going at Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV. Because I signed a match… it’ll be a match to end all matches. Julian Snakes versus The Mango Kid in a I’m Not Gay Match. If you win, you can continue to be NOT be Gay! Simple as that. But if you lose, you must take a lie-detector quiz the next Duck You, and prove to the world you aren’t gay. And if you fail… than you must admit to the fans you are gay. So you closeted homosexual, prepare to be OUSTED you bastard! And just for a warm-up, this week you’ll fight Caleb Darke… and he’ll bring a friend along for the show.”

Julian Snakes heads to the back as the fans chant “you’re a gay-faggot”. At least you can say one thing about D.W.A. fans… they know what they are talking about.

CALEB DARKE versus THE MANGO KID

The Mango Kid makes his way to the ring and he looks pumped and ready to destroy Caleb Darke. Caleb Darke is in the ring and he challenges the Mango Kid to get in the ring. Wendell Mehitler rushes down the ramp and he attacks The Mango Kid. Wendell Mehitler stops him from getting in the ring, thus preventing the match from starting. Wendell Mehitler tosses him straight into the steel steps. Wendell Mehitler rips the steel steps right into his arms and when The Mango Kid gets up to his feet, Wendell Mehitler throws the stairs and hits The Mango Kid with great force.

Wendell Mehitler yanks The Mango Kid up to his feet and he throws him into the steel ring post. The Mango Kid is busted open now as blood pours from his head. Wendell Mehitler proceeds to set The Mango Kid up for a power bomb onto the cement floor. Wendell Mehitler sets it up, but out of no where some-guy drop kicks Wendell Mehitler. He came from the crowd and he looks ready to kick ass. This guy slides in the ring now and he challenges Caleb Darke to a little fight. Caleb Darke rushes at him, but the man simply slides out of the ring… its Ned, the man who hates your favorite wrestler!

Caleb Darke is thrown off by the involvement of Ned in the match as The Mango Kid is on the outside beating the hell out of Wendell Mehitler with everything in sight. Caleb Darke is about to go to the outside and break up the fight, but wait… another wrestler is in the ring now. But it is a female… the female challenges Caleb Darke to a fight. Caleb Darke rushes at the woman, only to get kicked in the groin. Oh, no! Caleb Darke ain’t going to be walking properly tomorrow. The woman proceeds to get on her knees and low blow Caleb Darke. The woman has the words “Laura Lowblow” on the back of her shirt, so it is assumed that is her ring name.

The Mango Kid slides in the ring now and he and Laura Lowblow proceed to deliver a double Crushed Mangoes on Caleb Darke. Laura Lowblow releases the hold and The Mango Kid does so too, and than he drops Caleb Darke on his head with a Tomb stone pile driver. The Mango Kid covers for the three count and he and Laura Lowblow head to the back for a celebration where they will have sex.

WINNER: THE MANGO KID

Edited November 21, 2004 by PunkRockPete

[RPS]

D.W.A. PRESENTS DUCK YOU!

The opening theme music for Duck You is Chop Suey by System of a Down. The introduction is basically most of the wrestlers in poses resembling a duck. Than at the very end of the introduction, we see standing is Caleb Darke, with the Duck in the middle and John Kerry on the far right. The three all are wearing business suits and all look to be very powerful. Than a magical penis appears and sings a song about not smoking pot.

Joe comes to the ring with none other than Wendell Mehitler. Apparently he is going to kick off the show with perhaps a message to his ex-molester, Michael Jackson. Joe is getting pretty bad heat for just being a twelve year old who was molested by a sexually bizarre being.

JOE: “I don’t come down here to talk about Michael Jackson. The only reason why Wendell is out here with me is because I inquired to Caleb Darke that he give me a body-guard to protect myself from Michael Jackson.”

Michael Jackson appears on the ramp with a microphone in hand. Apparently Wendell isn’t a big enough threat to stop him from trying to talk to Joe. Michael Jackson is willingly to put his life on the line for the boy he loves.

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Joe… baby… honey… let me explain.”

JOE: “Michael, it is over. I found someone new. He loves me and he buys me everything I want. I’ve got more bling-bling than P.Diddy. What did you give me Michael Jackson? Your dick IN MY ASS. And to be honest, I love that feeling. But you have to do something a little extra for me to stick around. You’ve got to give me money…”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Love isn’t about money… it is about feelings…”

JOE: “Oh, I never said I loved the man who I am seeing now. He has money. And he molests me. Love has nothing to do with it.”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “But you give it up to him after the first encounter?!? How could you!”

JOE: “Michael, you need to learn to get over these types of things. I ain’t seeing you, you need to go and find a twelve-year old boy easier than me. And I’m sure, that is pretty darn easy.”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “BUT I LOVE YOU.”

Wendell Mehitler has had enough, he picks up the microphone and speaks in a thick, yet clearly fake German accent.

WENDELL MEHITLER: “You hurt my friend Joe! I DANCE-OFF AGAINST YOU.”

Joe flees through the crowd as a tenacious Michael Jackson makes his way down the aisle and into the ring. Apparently the two are going to square-off not in a brawl, a wrestling match, or spot-fest, but a DANCE-OFF. The tension must be high in the building.

DANCE-OFF

MICHAEL JACKSON versus WENDELL MEHITLER

The lights dim in the arena, a lone spotlight fills the ring. Beat It by Michael Jackson plays. The two stand in the middle of the ring. The two strut forward and with their bodies bouncing to the beat of the music. Michael Jackson shoves Wendell Mehitler and with the force of the shove, claps his hands falls down to a splits and raises his hands in the air. And with great ease he seems to slide right back to his feet. Michael Jackson points at Wendell Mehitler, snaps his fingers and shakes his head.

Wendell Mehitler proceeds to the robot dance, and he probably learnt a lot of the moves from former stable-mate 1010101010101010. And after a brief 5 seconds of such he throws his elbows backwards and slides backwards. Wendell Mehitler stops, does a huge half spin and lands on his knees.

Michael Jackson approaches Wendell Mehitler, snapping his fingers and leaning forward. Wendell Mehitler walks backwards, leaning backwards clapping his hands. Eventually Wendell finds himself in the corner so he begins to move forward and snap his fingers. Michael Jackson slowly leans backwards and claps his hands like Wendell was previously.

The two find themselves dead center in the ring and Michael Jackson points at Wendell Mehitler and begins to tap dance. With great ease, Michael Jackson fills the arena with the sound of his shoes hitting the mat. Michael Jackson falls down to one knee, rolls forwards and pops up to his feet nearly hitting Wendell Mehitler in the process. As a result, Wendell Mehitler does a perfect back-flip!

The two find themselves in the middle of the ring, dead center once again. The two walk to opposite sides of the ropes and with their bodies beating to the beat, they play up to the ground in dance-like fashion. It is unbelievable how intense their movements are. The 7 foot Wendell uses the ropes to do a spring-board back flip and Michael Jackson struts forward and confronts him in the middle of the ring.

Wendell Mehitler mouths the words, “beat my back-flip.”

Michael Jackson looks at the crowd and yells, “who could go for a Moon-Walk right now?”

The fans explode in a cheer and the lights go down. A howling explodes across the arena and Thriller by Michael Jackson plays. The lights flick back on and Michael Jackson now adorns a top hat. Michael Jackson points to the crowd in anticpation. One second of the Moon-Walk and Wendell Mehitler sells a punch. Another and another punch from Wendell Mehitler. Eventually the power of the Moon-Walk is so much that Wendell Mehitler is on his knees tapping out.

Michael Jackson is victorious in the Dance-Off! Michael Jackson raises his hands in victory, but what the hell? Eminem is in the ring with a chair. He waits for Michael Jackson to turn around and he knocks him senseless. Eminem raises the chair in victory as he stands over the fallen carcass of Michael Jackson.

Eminem grabs a microphone from the ring announcer and he laughs at first, overwhelmed by the humor of it all. Eminem begins to speak when he is comfortable, “well, M.J, it seems like two months ago since I entered the world of Wrestling and beat the living hell out of you. I got side-tracked with helping Dallas Darke and now his brother. But this shit ain’t over. In fact, I’ve made a little old match for the PAY-PER-VIEW. It’ll be a Parking Lot Brawl Pink-Slip On An Electric, Barbed Wire, Thumb Tack Pole-Moat Surrounded By Sharks Match. You must be saying to yourself, what the hell is that? Well let me explain,

“Last week me and 50 were smoking some dope, recording some shit, and I came up with the most brilliant wrestling match ever. There will be a pink-slip… on a pole. This pole isn’t a normal pole. This is a pole covered in Barbed Wire and Thumb Tacks. And it ain’t over, because that pole is electrocuted to a high voltage. Not enough to kill you, but you’d better be tough to get that god-damn pink sock. Lastly, the Pole will be surrounded by a 10 foot moat, with sharks in the water. All of this in a Parking Lot with lots of weapons. The loser will be fired, on the spot. So, you ready to get YO ASS KICKED?!??!?!??!?!???!?!?”

Oh, come on. You telling me you don’t want to see at least one of these guys lynched.

WINNER: MICHAEL JACKSON

DAVE THE WEATHER MAN versus HISTORY REENACTOR

The man who Reenacts history and the man who relays the Weather to you daily are going to square off in the middle of the ring. Dave The Weather Man, or DTWM as the fans like to call him, tests the strength of the rope. History Reenactor tells the fans he will make the Battle of 1812 more realistic than ever. Dave and Reenactor lock up in the middle. It becomes a contest of who is stronger and it appears that Dave has the advantage.

Dave backs History Reenactor into the corner and he has to release the hold. History Reenactor throws him into the corner, as he is distracted by the refereee. History Reenactor throws a few hard chops straight to the chest of Dave, and than throws a few violent punches. History Reenactor flips off a fan in the front row and continues the fight.

History Reenactor tries to go for a suplex on Dave The Weather Man, but Dave reverses it into a suplex of his own. Dave The Weather Man covers and gets a two count. Dave The Weather Man applies a chin lock and applies it tightly. History Reenactor weasels his way out of the hold and finds salvation in the ropes, grabbing onto them and calling out for help. Dave The Weather Man backs off as the referee demands him too. When History Reenactor gets up to his feet, Dave hits a running forearm.

Dave demands that History Reenactor get up to his feet, and he when he does he hits a dozen punches, chops and kicks in ten second. Dave drags History Reenactor to the corner and he smashes his head into the turn buckle. Dave The Weather Man does this with every post and only after the last one does History Reenactor get in a cheap shot low blow. After the low blow, History Reenactor hits a spinal tap; but only gets a two count when he pursues a cover.

History Reenactor climbs to the second rope and he says he is going to leg drop Dave The Weather Man. Dave The Weather Man instead super kicks History Reenactor straight out of the ring and to the floor. Dave The Weather Man just hit his finishing move and it knocked History Reenactor straight to the floor.

Johnny Colorado sneaks in the ring and Dave The Weather Man rushes at him, only to get dropped with a spine buster. Johnny Colorado slides out of the ring and as History Reenactor gets in the ring, he makes the cover and gets the three count. The fans chant “BULLSHIT” in unison as History Reenactor rushes to the back in hopes of finding his friend, Harold Agnes. Johnny Colorado stays out at the ring taunting Dave The Weather Man.

WINNER: HISTORY REENACTOR

DAVE THE WEATHER MAN: “You know, the news usually comes at eight, but the WEATHER is so god-damn important today it gets boosted up to the eight o’clock spot! I am forecasting something frightening for Johnny Colorado… 30% chance of safety, with 70% chance of getting your ass kicked.”

Johnny Colorado has a microphone in hand, handed to him by a staff member. Johnny Colorado laughs at Dave The Weather Man.

JOHNNY COLORADO: “See, you know what the hell is wrong with you people. And when I say, “you people” I am referring to everyone I’ve put on the sidelines. Maria the Update Woman, Little Chaos, Patrick Zombie… Patrick Suycdal… Suicidal Patrick… whatever the hell you want to call him. You are mockery of wrestling. You represent the lowest form of people… COMMON FOLK! You represent every-day Joe’s and Sally’s who don’t belong in the wrestling ring. I’m a world class athlete. And when I step into this ring, I dissociate myself from my personal life.”

DAVE THE WEATHER MAN: “Johnny Colorado… we have a breaking news report… SHUT THE HELLLLL UP! You blame injuring people on the fact that you are defending wrestling… well you’ve got it all wrong…”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “No, see Dave, you shut the hell up. I am sick and tired of defending the honor of wrestling from freak-shows like you. In just a little over a week, it’ll be our Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV. And to be quite frank, I’ve been looking to kick someone’s ass here in the ring. In a wrestling match. Not a dance-off, or a pink-slip on a moat match. A wrestling match. So you aren’t going to report the weather… you’ll be wrestling your damn ass off.”

DAVE THE WEATHER MAN: “I accept your challenge… next Thursday’s forecast looks bleak for you, COLORADO!”

Johnny Colorado is so pissed off by this almost circus like behavior, he throws down the microphone and heads to the back yelling and screaming. All of the sudden, Patrick Zombie and Ted the Zombie make their ways down the ramp. There heads are bandaged up after receiving serious head trauma. Johnny Colorado tries to escape them, but he finds that Triple L {2401 – LEG} has hopped over the barrier and they begin to try to chase him. Caleb Darke appears from no where and the two rush away. The camera follows them and Caleb Darke helps Johnny Colorado escape in a limousine.

In the backstage area, Mike Smith is getting some coffee. Two creams, hold the sugar, to be precise. Mike Smith proceeds to stir the coffee when in walks Gene Smith.

GENE SMITH: “Hey, have you seen …”

MIKE SMITH: “Mary? Nah… haven’t seen her since last week’s show. I wonder what happened to her. Any ways, are you ready to defend our titles tonight?”

GENE SMITH: “What do you mean… “our” titles? Didn’t you hear last-week?”

MIKE SMITH: “Clearly not. There seems to be some external force that prevents wrestlers from watching a television monitor in the back. So we never seem to really truly understand what is going on.”

GENE SMITH: “Oh. Well, since you requested that singles match with Eleinfant Killer… well, Ronald Feature stood in and was awarded the titles.”

Ronald Feature walks in, and he is the triple champion of D.W.A. He begins to make his coffee, with no cream but lots of sugar. Ronald Feature stirs up the coffee and takes a sip.

MIKE SMITH: “You are wearing my title.”

RONALD FEATURE: “What? Gene, did someone say something…?”

GENE SMITH: “Yeah, my brother did.”

RONALD FEATURE: “No, Gene, to piss off Mike Smith, we ignore him. That way you compensate for being ditched last-week.”

MIKE SMITH: “Ditched?!? Whoa, Ronald, we are best-friends but pull your head out of your ass here. Eleinfant Killer attacked us, so I struck back. If we hadn’t, we would have looked like wimps.”

RONALD FEATURE: “That is unfortunate. The fact still remains, Gene asked me to sub in so I undertook the responsibility of being the new Peanut Butter and Jam Tag-Team Champion. Life ain’t fair sometimes…”

MIKE SMITH: “Dude, we are best-friends…”

RONALD FEATURE: “Oh, you’d like to make me and Gene think that… well I’ve got another thing coming. You are jealous of me. I’m a triple champion and I took your spot and filled it with ease. Well, Mikey, it’s time to move over. Ronald Feature, as you can tell by the gold dangling from my shoulder, is the new-thing. I’m the coolest guy on the planet. And you’d better respect that.”

MIKE SMITH: “Or what? You are going to kick my ass?!?”

RONALD FEATURE: “Even better, lets up the ante here. Me and you… at Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV… in a match. Winner gets to be the partner of Gene Smith, here. Heck, lets even split it a little further. How about we make Gene the referee.”

MIKE SMITH: “It is on!”

GENE SMITH: “Wait, hold on here guys. You can’t make put me in the middle of such a decision…. Especially with our six man tag coming up here tonight.”

RONALD FEATURE: “Don’t worry Gene, I am sure me and Mikey here can co-exist for one night only…”

MIKE SMITH: “You’d better watch your back Ronald. You can’t stab a friend in the back and expect it to go away. I’ve got to find Mary… she said she’d be here tonight…”

Mike Smith walks away from Ronald Feature, who looks to be confident of himself and his surroundings and Gene Smith who seems frail and unaware of what he will do next Thursday. And when will they discover that Mary has in fact been abducted by Eleinfant Killer, the man who Mike Smith defeated last-week?!? Probably at the PPV, to be honest.

CALEB DARKE versus YOLLUTTLE PEPOPTO

Voice Of The Voiceless plays by Rage Against the Machine and we are sure it will be Dallas Darke. But wait… it isn’t. Caleb Darke makes his way to the ring and he pretends to be punching the air. Caleb Darke lifts his arms in the air and gives the finger to a fan in the front row. Out comes next Yolluttle Pepopto, a man who is announced from Parts Unknown. He wears a mask and he has quite the attitude with the fans.

Caleb Darke demands that Yolluttle Pepopto lay on his back and be defeated. Yolluttle Pepopto gets on his back and Caleb Darke bends over to cover him. Yolluttle Pepopto hops right to his feet and he rips the mask off his face. It is Ned! Ned, the man who hates your favorite wrestler. He slaps the taste out of Caleb Darke’s mouth and hits him with a Stunner! Ned covers and gets the three count. The referee rushes out of the ring in fear of the repercussions of what is going to happen.

Ned grabs a microphone and he begins to speak, “you all thought I was a marked man, ever since there was a price put on my head! You all thought I was dead, like your favorite WRESTLERS. But I cut a deal with Dallas Darke that allowed me to be a member of the MBSEL once again. My task was to come out here and lay this challenge out to Caleb Darke… Dallas will be here at Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV and he will be looking for a fight. Come prepared if you want it. I am now a free man, I don’t have to fear my life.”

A guy hops over the barrier with a sawed off shotgun [who the fuck brings such a weapon to a wrestling show…?] and the guy shoots Ned right in the chest. Ned flies backwards a few steps and he collapses to the ground. Ned looks up into the air for the last time, he reaches for the heavens, but his arm falls short and he stops breathing. Caleb Darke slides to the outside and he hugs the man with the shotgun. Caleb Darke and the man begin to discuss something as they walk to the back.

WINNER: CALEB DARKE

Lobster, Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter, 1010101010101 and Eiwehc all arrive at the arena, in a limousine. They are very sneaky in their approach of avoiding all contact with the enemies. The four of them make their way down the aisle and into the ring, being unnoticed by security guards or wrestlers of the Evil magnitude. Lobster picks up a microphone.

LOBSTER: “DUCK!”

The camera pans to The Duck who is sitting in his locker room with Nancy Catalogue. The Duck looks towards the doorway.

LOBSTER: “We have UNFINISHED BUSINESS.”

The Duck drops the book in his hands and he and Nancy Catalogue begin to make their way to the ring. Nancy Catalogue builds up a force to combat the Force Of Good, including himself, Wendell Mehitler and Joe, the twelve year old boy. They make their way onto the ramp and it appears as though a good ole fashioned brawl is going to go down.

LOBSTER: “Duck! You tried to eliminate us from the face of the planet. But you failed. You handed over Hand Solo to the evil Jennifer Lopez… but we have unfinished business to take care of first. YOUR LIFE will be cut short.”

The Duck has a menacing grin on his face. He extends his wing and a microphone flies from the middle of no where and connects with his wing perfectly. The Duck stares down Lobster and than he speaks.

THE DUCK: “QUACK! QUACK, QUACK!”

LOBSTER: “You want a Clash …4 on 4… at Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV?”

THE DUCK: “Quack!”

LOBSTER: “You think you can handle the Forces Of Good?!?”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Lobster, where the hell have you been for a month? Sitting in a marsh, waiting for this all to blow over. You cowardice!”

EIWEHC: “BLARG! FLARG! GLARG!”

LOBSTER: “Yes, I have learnt much from master Harumph!”

THE DUCK: “QUACK, quack, quack, quack! Quack! Quack, quack, quack!”

LOBSTER: “Harumph is not some alien who simply uses his own name as an adjective and a verb. He taught me a lot about myself.”

JOE: “Hey, I may be twelve years old. And I may like to be molested by adults… but that… uhh… I am only out here because Wendell told me to.”

WENDELL MEHITLER: “PITIFUL AND WEAK…you are not Aryan RACE. HIEL MEHITLER!”

LOBSTER: “This isn’t going to solve any of our problems. The only solution is a 4 on 4 Elimination Match. A battle to the death between me and Duck. Whomever wins so much.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Alright, it is a deal. But lets get a little warmed up here tonight…”

NANCY CATALOGUE versus LOBSTER

Nancy Catalogue hits the ring and everyone scatters except for Lobster. Lobster throws three punches and Nancy Catalogue blocks the third and hits an Enzguri! Nancy Catalogue struggles to it’s feet and Nancy Catalogue signals to the crowd it is going to hit a high risk move. Catalogue climbs to the top rope, but Lobster makes it to his feet and shoves Catalogue off the top and to the floor.

Nancy Catalogue struggles to it’s feet and Lobster hits a spring board body press to the outside. Lobster struggles to his feet and he picks up Catalogue. Lobster throws Nancy Catalogue into the steel steps. Lobster sets Nancy Catalogue up, propping it against the steps. Lobster signals for a shining wizard, which would kill Nancy Catalogue. Lobster goes for the move, but Nancy Catalogue moves and Lobster hits nothing but steel. Lobster appears to be very hurt after the move.

Nancy Catalogue picks up Lobster and tosses him in the ring. Nancy Catalogue goes for the cover and gets the one-two—KICKOUT; Nancy Catalogue tells the referee it was a slow-count. The referee tells Nancy Catalogue to wrestle the match. Nancy Catalogue grabs the feet of Lobster and goes for a sharp-shooter, but Lobster kicks Nancy Catalogue into the ropes which traps it into the ropes. Lobster gets up to his feet and the effects of hitting the steel are still visible as he limps over to Nancy Catalogue.

Lobster throws a few punches on Nancy Catalogue and decides to let the referee set it free. Nancy Catalogue gets to it’s feet and Nancy demands that Lobster fight “fairly”. Lobster loses sight of the match and this is when Nancy Catalogue attacks. Nancy Catalogue drop kicks the bad knee of Lobster, who collapses to the match. Nancy Catalogue stomps the leg and than applies the figure four leg lock. Nancy Catalogue has the move poorly applied, so Lobster escapes.

Nancy Catalogue is up to it’s feet and Nancy goes for a drop kick to the knee, but Lobster ducks it. Lobster grabs the leg of Nancy Catalogue while it’s on the mat and Lobster applies a figure four leg lock of his own. Nancy Catalogue is in the hold for a good two minutes, struggling to grab the ropes, fearful of tapping out. Nancy Catalogue eventually makes it to the ropes and the hold has to be released.

Lobster and Nancy Catalogue are both limping as they get to their feet. Both men hit clotheslines at the same time knocking each other out. The referee begins to count to ten, giving each wrestler the opportunity to struggle to their feet. Nancy Catalogue is the first to it’s feet and Nancy climbs to the top rope. Nancy signals it is time for the Shooting Star Press, and for the record, Nancy has yet to hit the move in the history of it’s wrestling career.

Nancy takes to the air, but Lobster moves out of the way at the very last second and Nancy Catalogue hits nothing but mat once again. Lobster applies a Rings Of Saturn like move that is called The Clampdown. Nancy Catalogue refuses to tap, refuses to give up. Lobster tightens the move and Nancy Catalogue screams out in pain. Harold Agnes and Joe try to interfere, but 101010101010 stops them both on the ramp with clothes lines. Nancy Catalogue sees this and decides it is time to tap.

After Nancy Catalogue taps, the ring fills with the eight wrestlers involved in the match next week. The Duck and his crew seem to have the advantage at first, but the Forces Of Good rally around and eventually clear the ring of the evil doers of the world. Lobster and his 3 liberation army stare down The Duck and his 3 fellow oppressors.

WINNER: LOBSTER

“He is coming.” The words display on the screen and the fans are left in shock and awe. Who is coming? What is his name? Is he a wrestler? The fans are left hanging as that is all we get to see.

John Kerry, the part-owner of D.W.A. and president of the United States of America makes his way down the aisle with a huge amount of security. Most of the security is fellow wrestlers of D.W.A, all of them being heels. All of them surround the ring as John Kerry grabs a microphone.

JOHN KERRY: “George Bush! You are my opponent in both the wrestling ring and the political ring. I told America they wanted and needed change --- and I lied. Because when I change things, I make sure that Americans suffer. Right now I am supplying terrorists with the most deadly biological weapons known to mankind. And why am I doing this? Why am I killing America, George Bush? Because I am a liberal. And us liberals… well, we are assholes.”

George Bush makes his way onto the ramp now and he has a huge posse with him, consisting of the face wrestlers. George Bush stands on the stage and he stares down John Kerry. He begins to pace back and forth, generating quite the reaction from the fans.

GEORGE BUSH: “John Kerry… you are a god-damn mother fucking pussy!”

JOHN KERRY: “No, you eat shit you cock sucking tool!”

GEORGE BUSH: “I saw you deep throat a cock last week!”

JOHN KERRY: “Your wife insisted.”

From the crowd now, high off in the barriers Dallas Darke appears with a microphone in hand. Dallas Darke cracks a smile and he looks down upon the two politicians standing in the ring. Behind him stands the presumed new roster of MBSEL… there are a few characters out of the bunch.

DALLAS DARKE: “You know, both of you need to SHUT… THE HELL UP. Because when it comes down to it, you both are pompous assholes. John Kerry wants to destroy America, and quite frankly that doesn’t matter to me. I am a Canadian citizen and I love Canada. America… fuck, for all I care you can nuke yourself to death. There’ll be more hockey for us Canadians!”

JOHN KERRY: “Oh, shut the hell up and go back to your igloo!”

DALLAS DARKE: “And George Bush… you surround yourself with traitors. People who align themselves with you after abandoning me. Shame on you. You wouldn’t be in this position if you didn’t leave me… if you proved loyal and stayed by my side… we’d all be enjoying the luxuries of MBSEL. But no. You fucked yourself over, because the revolution is here. MBSEL almost died once and I won’t let it die again.”

GEORGE BUSH: “YOU’RE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG!”

DALLAS DARKE: “Shut up, you illiterate, unsuspecting, unaware TIT. I’ve had enough of this bull-shit. D.W.A., you guys are separated, which is great. Because that way, you are weak. When MBSEL debuts in 3 weeks, you’ll be crushed underneath us. Even your status as President of the United States of Assholes ain’t going to save your second-rate, no-good wrestling promotion; mark my words… I will put you bastards out of business or I will die.”

As Dallas Darke and his MBSEL crew exit the arena, this notion of a MBSEL revolution sets in. Many of the faces abandon George Bush on the stage, and many of the heels look concerned about the idea they will be put out of business. Caleb Darke is angered at his brother, The Duck looks concerned and John Kerry wants to beat the shit out of George Bush, right here and now.

THE CHAOS BROTHERS versus TEAM GENERIC and RONALD “TRIPLE CHAMP” FEATURE

The Chaos Brothers make their ways to the ring first, getting a pretty good reaction. The three of them pose in the ring, waiting for the dysfunctional crew. Team Generic make their ways down the aisle and into the ring and they look ready to brawl this thing out. Ronald Feature comes down next, announced as Ronald “Triple Champ” Feature. Ronald Feature plays up the new-found cockiness of himself as he slaps the fans hands and slides in the ring.

Little Chaos is going to start off the bout against none other than Mike Smith. Mike Smith rushes at Little Chaos who ducks a clothes line. Little Chaos swings around and hits a perfect looking hurricrana. Mike Smith gets up to his feet and Little Chaos hits a perfect drop kick. Little Chaos sizes Mike Smith up again and hits him with two more drop kicks. Mike Smith eventually slides to the outside to catch his breath and avoid more of a beat down. Big Chaos gets in the ring and picks Little Chaos up and throws him from the ring to the outside on to Mike Smith!

Little Chaos gets Mike Smith up to his feet and Little Chaos pushes him against the ring apron. Little Chaos chops the chest of Mike Smith several times and than shove him into the ring. Little Chaos makes the tag to Medium Chaos who enters the ring. Mike Smith tries to tag to Gene Smith, but Medium Chaos rolls him up for the two count. Medium Chaos out of this locks in an ankle lock and applies it tightly. Mike Smith kicks Medium Chaos in the head, breaking the hold and he makes the hot tag to Gene Smith.

Medium Chaos catches Gene Smith with a clothes line. When Gene Smith gets up to his feet, Medium Chaos hits an enzugri right to the back of the head. Gene Smith falls to the mat and he looks to be down and out. Medium Chaos climbs to the top rope and he hits a perfect elbow drop. Medium Chaos covers and gets a two count. Medium Chaos tags in his little brother Little Chaos. Little Chaos hits a few kicks to the stomach of Gene Smith and than hits a body slam. Little Chaos tags to Medium Chaos who hits a spring board leg drop on Gene Smith.

Medium Chaos places Gene Smith in a neutral corner and Medium Chaos rushes at him and goes for a running forearm. But the plan back fires, as Gene Smith ducks the forearm and tags to Ronald Feature. Ronald Feature enters the ring and as Medium Chaos turns around hits a swinging neck breaker. Ronald Feature drop kicks Little Chaos off the apron and punches Big Chaos off the apron.

Ronald Feature covers Medium Chaos but only for a two count. Ronald Feature decides to tag in Mike Smith. Ronald Feature tells Mike Smith to hit a moonsault off the top and Mike Smith decides to go for it. When Mike Smith is on the top rope, Ronald Feature bounces off the ropes and leg drops Medium Chaos. This makes Mike Smith fall down right on his groin, causing him great pain and suffering. Ronald Feature covers Medium Chaos, but doesn’t even get a two count as Big Chaos pulls him out of the ring. On the outside, Big Chaos choke slams Ronald Feature onto the padded floor!

Mike Smith is still straddling the top rope, so Medium Chaos decides to bring him down. Medium Chaos scales to the top rope and hits a sick top rope German Suplex! Mike Smith could be dead after that move, as he landed right on the back of his head. Medium Chaos covers Mike Smith, and gets a two count as Gene Smith tries to break up the hold with an elbow drop, but Medium Chaos moves and Gene hits his brother Mike! Medium Chaos makes the hot tag to none other than Big Chaos, the man who only knows how to do a choke slam.

Big Chaos waits for Gene Smith to get up to his feet and he choke slams him. Mike Smith is next, and he gets choke slammed. Ronald Feature gets up onto the apron and Big Chaos moves over towards him and grabs him by the throat. Big Chaos lifts him in the air, but Ronald Feature manages to kick him in the groin mid-air. Ronald Feature hits a spring-board diving neck breaker in a sight that has to be seen. Medium Chaos waits for Ronald Feature to get to his feet and he spears him so hard. Little Chaos waits for Gene Smith to get up and he hits him with a rocker drop!

Medium Chaos gets on the apron and Big Chaos tags him in. The referee has trouble getting Big Chaos and Little Chaos to the outside, demanding they leave the ring at that very second. Ronald Feature enters the ring with one of his titles and he hits Medium Chaos right in the head. Ronald Feature tosses the belt to the outside and he attacks Little and Big Chaos on the apron.

Mike Smith drapes his arm over Medium Chaos and the referee sees this. He makes the one---two---three! Team Generic and Ronald Feature, despite their dysfunctional nature, have prevailed in this contest. Mike Smith slides to the outside and retrieves the Peanut Butter and Jam Sandwich Tag-Team title, and he raises it in the air. Ronald Feature catches this occuring and he slides to the outside, grabs a chair and knocks out Mike Smith. Ronald Feature grabs his title and carries it towards the back. Ronald Feature tells Gene Smith to follow him, but Gene Smith is torn between staying with his hurt brother and Ronald Feature. Eventually, Gene Smith ditches his brother and heads up the ramp with his new tag-team partner, Ronald Feature.

WINNER: TEAM GENERIC & RONALD FEATURE

Edited November 26, 2004 by PunkRockPete

[Besmirched Tea]

The Triple Feature is sure on a roll!

[RPS]

D.W.A PRESENTS DUCK YOU

The opening theme music for Duck You is Chop Suey by System of a Down. The introduction is basically most of the wrestlers in poses resembling a duck. Than at the very end of the introduction, we see standing is Caleb Darke, with the Duck in the middle and John Kerry on the far right. The three all are wearing business suits [picture the Duck in a business suit post haste] and all look to be very powerful.

D.W.A. SATANISM TITLE MATCH

RONALD “TRIPLE CHAMP” FEATURE versus LITTLE CHAOS

Last week saw Ronald Feature and Team Generic defeat The Chaos Brothers, so this is a continuation of those matches. The first man out from the curtain is the littlest of the brothers, Little Chaos. He waves to the audience as he makes his way down the aisle and he slips into the ring. Little Chaos raises his hands.

Ronald “Triple Champ” Feature makes his way onto the ramp with his three titles joining him. The fans boo him almost immediately. Ronald Feature doesn’t acknowledge the jeers and waves to the audience. Ronald Feature slaps the fans hands. Ronald Feature slides into the ring and he attacks Little Chaos right off the bat. Ronald Feature hits several forearms to the back of Little Chaos.

Ronald Feature works on the back by tossing Little Chaos into the turn buckle. Little Chaos hits with great force and after he hits Ronald Feature clothes lines him! Ronald Feature grabs him and Irish Whips him into the opposite turn buckle hurting Little Chaos more and more. Little Chaos falls to his knees this time in pain. Ronald Feature rushes at Little Chaos and delivers a stiff knee right to the face. Ronald Feature blows a kiss to the audience members.

Ronald Feature grabs Little Chaos and he hits a back breaker, dropping Little Chaos right onto the knee. Little Chaos isn’t free yet, as Ronald Feature applies more pressure by pushing down on Little Chaos. Little Chaos screams for help and Ronald Feature cracks a smile as he applies more and more pressure. Little Chaos eventually hits a thumb to the eye and Ronald Feature releases the hold. Ronald Feature has trouble seeing and this allows Little Chaos time to recover.

Little Chaos hits a hurricrana out of no where and Ronald Feature falls to the outside. Little Chaos climbs up to the top rope and he hits a cross body block to the outside. Ronald Feature is down on the padded floor as Little Chaos gets up to his feet. He gets on the apron and signals to the crowd something cool is going to happen. Little Chaos waits for Ronald Feature to get up to his feet and he is dazed. Little Chaos runs along the apron and tries to hit a flipping splash into a hurricrana. This back fires as Ronald Feature catches him and power bombs him onto the padded floor. Little Chaos hits with such great force, he probably received a concussion.

Ronald Feature is in the ring now and he demands that Little Chaos be counted out. The referee starts the count and Ronald Feature decides that Little Chaos hasn’t received enough. Ronald Feature picks up Little Chaos and he drags him onto the apron. Ronald Feature picks up Little Chaos and he power bombs him off the apron and onto the padded floor. Little Chaos could very well be dead after two power bombs to the outside. Ronald Feature picks up the limp body of Little Chaos and slides it in the ring.

Ronald Feature smiles to the audience as he slaps Little Chaos who lay very hurt on the mat. Ronald Feature demands that Little Chaos get up to his feet, but he cannot due to the two power bombs. Ronald Feature decides to apply a painful looking stretch hold on the mat, targeting the back of Little Chaos. Before Little Chaos can tap, Ronald Feature releases the hold and gets to his feet.

Ronald Feature decides the match is over and he picks up Little Chaos. Mike Smith is on the apron though, he tosses a handful of powder into the eyes of Ronald Feature by “accident”. Mike Smith intended target was Little Chaos! This powder allows Little Chaos to roll-up Ronald Feature and to get the three count. Little Chaos grabs the D.W.A Satanism Title and he runs to the back. Mike Smith gets in the ring and he gets right in the face of Ronald Feature who cannot see him. Mike Smith looks tempted to hit his friend, but instead he rolls out of the ring and heads to the back. Odd behavior on the part of Mike Smith.

WINNER: LITTLE CHAOS

Mike Smith walks out from the curtain and he grabs a bottle of water. He downs a huge amount of water and he dumps the rest on his head. Eleinfant Killer approaches Mike Smith who looks tired.

MIKE SMITH: “Hey, stay away. I kicked your ass fair and square two weeks ago.”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “YES YOU DID. YESSSSSSIIIRRRRRRREEEE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! But that DOESN’TTTTT mean anything. I have come here because I know where Marrrrrrrrrry is.”

MIKE SMITH: “You do? Eleinfant Killer… where is she? Was she kidnapped? Is she fine?!?”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “She is fine. And yes, she was kidnapped. By me.”

MIKE SMITH: “YOU BASTARD! How dare you kidnap my sister.”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “Well, Mr. Smith I have a proposal for you. She has a baby in her stomach that we both know is no good. So why not let me kill the baby and eat it?”

MIKE SMITH: “You sick bastard.”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “I presume that is a yes.”

MIKE SMITH: “Your damn right you lovable sick bastard, as long as Mary isn’t harmed. That baby ain’t mine, and I don’t want my sister giving birth to a baby unless it is mine.”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “Well than, it is a deal. We shall have to let her by pregnant for quite some time… I want the baby to be nice and grown up when I eat it. She won’t give birth to it, but it will be a few months down the road.”

MIKE SMITH: “Whatever floats your boat, bud.”

Mary Smith walks into the room, escorted by Eleinfant Killer blind folded. She is blind-folded and looks frightened. Eleinfant Killer takes off the blind fold and she sees her brother and she begins to cry.

MARY SMITH: “I am fine and the baby is to.”

MIKE SMITH: “That is good… good and fine. Ele says this was all a misunderstanding. But, it could happen again. That is why you have to always be with me or Gene at all times. We are family, we are here to watch your backs and have sex with you in mom and dad’s barn.”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “ANDDDDD MAKE SURE THE BABY IS FEDDDDD ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOT!”

MIKE SMITH: “Yeah, I want to make sure the baby is healthy and fine. Mary… I want you to have the baby.”

MARY SMITH: “Oh gosh… Michael, you’re the greatest brother ever!”

The two proceed to French kiss as Eleinfant Killers sits by and watches. The two walk off holding hands and Eleinfant Killer doesn’t seem to be too far away. Mike Smith has been quite the actor as of late… whether the fans chose to like or dislike the bastard is another thing. He just lied to his sister about wanting to have the baby they conceived so another man can eat the baby… I am thinking he is a baby-face.

CALEB DARKE and WENDELL MEHITLER versus THE ZOMBIES

Announced for the Pay-Per-View is a four way, elimination style tag-team match featuring The Superheroes, The Zombies, Better Off Dead II and The Chaos Brothers. The Zombies are making their wrestling returns to the D.W.A. after returning last week to intervene in Johnny Colorado’s business. Caleb Darke is out here to get some training for his big match with his brother.

Caleb Darke starts off against Ted The Zombie. The two lock-up and a battle of strength begins. Caleb Darke loses, as Ted tosses him a fair distance with ease. Caleb Darke wants another lock-up and the same thing happens again. Caleb Darke begs for one more and Ted The Zombie accepts. This time, Caleb Darke kicks Ted The Zombie in the groin and laughs. But wait, Ted The Zombie has a zombie-penis which no sells the kick.

Ted The Zombie throws a few Mick Foley-like punches before he kicks Caleb Darke in the stomach. Ted The Zombie hits an elegant looking neck breaker that has Caleb Darke on the mat and breathing heavily. Caleb Darke scrambles to his corner and tags in the biggest man in D.W.A, the dancing queen Wendell Mehitler. Wendell Mehitler challenges Ted The Zombie to take him down with a shoulder tackle. Ted The Zombie gets prepped for it, and meanwhile Patrick Zombie gets on his hands and knees and helps Ted knock over the big man!

Patrick Zombie and Ted The Zombie double team Wendell by tossing him off the ropes and hitting him with a double clothes line. Ted The Zombie is still the legal man, so he waits for Wendell to get to his feet and he hits a running knee to the gut. Wendell falls to the mat in pain and he crawls to Caleb Darke who is tagged in. Caleb Darke rushes at Ted The Zombie only to get kicked in the gut. Ted The Zombie power bombs the very small Caleb Darke. Ted The Zombie covers and gets a two count, only broken up by Wendell Mehitler.

Caleb and Wendell try to work together, but this is clearly not working as they bump heads trying to pick up Ted The Zombie. Caleb Darke shoves Wendell and tells him to do his job. Wendell shoves Caleb Darke and this sends Caleb Darke to the ground and almost to the outside of the ring. Patrick Zombie low blows Wendell and Patrick sets up for a bull dog. But wait, Ted The Zombie raises the legs of Wendell in the air and they hit a very cool Bull-Dog, pile-driver move called The Graveyard Plant.

Caleb Darke gets up to his feet and the two Zombies are ready to fight him. Caleb Darke decides instead, the best route is to leave his partner in the ring alone. Caleb Darke heads to the back as Ted The Zombie covers for the victory. Post-match, we see the Zombies surround Wendell Mehitler and they are contemplating beating him up. Instead, the Zombies head towards the back. Out of no where, Mix Master Doug [the alter ego of Antman] and The Funky [alter ego of Bone Boy] attack The Zombies. The superheroes alter-egos leave the Zombies lying on the top of the stage.

WINNER: THE ZOMBIES

Out from the back come the two men who love God as much as Michael Jackson loves plastic surgery and little boys. Carlos Catholic hands a few t-shirts to the fans and it is indeed a Christ Love t-shirt. Carlos Catholic slides in the ring and he puts his arms towards the air in celebration of Christ. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group picks up a microphone and he decides it is time to speak-up as Carlos Catholic shills the band.

LEAD SINGER OF A CHRISTIAN ROCK GROUP: “It’s been two weeks since we laid down the Crucifix Challenge, and yet no-one has stepped up to the challenge. It seems as though we are destined to go onto victory Thursday… by default. If no-one steps up, we declare ourselves Champion of the Crucfix.”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Sinners, listen up. We’ve laid down a challenge like none-other. We are willingly to put our bodies on the line to entertain you folks out here, in the good of name of our Lord and savior JESUS CHRIST.”

The lights dim and Voice Of The Voiceless plays by Rage Against the Machine. Perhaps it is Dallas Darke and Chris Flare? No wait, it is two men wearing rather nice looking suits. They stand on the ramp as Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group and Carlos Catholic look a bit confused.

MAN #1: “We have come on behalf of MBSEL, as you can tell by the elegant theme music. We came down here to shut these fellows up. Allow me… to introduce myself. My name is Adam Goldberg.”

MAN #2: “And my name is the Jewish Rapper!”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “As you can tell, there has been a conflict of interest. We are Jewish.”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “YOU KILLED MY SAVIOR YOU PIECES OF HUMAN FECAL MATTER!”

JEWISH RAPPER: “This battle ain’t about religion… quite the contrary. See, Adam Goldberg here, he creates the phattest beats in the entire world. Phatter than Pharrell, that is for sure. And I here, I lay down the rhymes like it be a crimes.”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “I hear you guys play in a rock group. Did you hear that Jewish Rapper?”

JEWISH RAPPER: “A rock group. Like those pussies from Led Zeppelin.”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “That is right. You guys are pussies. See, rap is in. And rock… It’s out. No-one wants to hear your shitty rock guitar, no wants to hear your nauseating voices, no-one wants to hear you guys in general.”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Wait, slow down there a second… who in the blue hell is Led Zeppelin?”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “Precisely, shut the hell up. Me and my brother here, J.R., decided we take up your little Crucifix Match. And not just on religious principles. But damn, boi, you make some bad-music.”

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group rips off his shirt and he throws it into the audience. This illicits no reaction from the women in the audience.

ADAM GOLDBERG: “Save it for the Pay-Per-View, tool. We’ve got other business to take care of, this MBSEL revolution that is hitting you so god-damn hard that you can’t comprehend it.”

The Jewish Street Crew head to the back as Christ Love don’t know what to do exactely. They stand baffled, but eventually a match-up starts up for no apparent reasons.

CHRIST LOVE versus DARYL MONO

Daryl Mono is the kid last-week who shot Ned in the stomach, earning him an apparent wrestling contract. This week, he squares off against the men who love Christ so much they probably ejaculate with the bible. Carlos Catholic starts off the match and Daryl Mono tries to shake his head. Carlos Catholic slaps him across the face and than pokes him in the eye. Carlos Catholic sends Daryl off the ropes and he catches him with a power slam. Daryl Mono looks to be down and out after that move, but Carlos Catholic gets off and tags in Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group applies an arm bar, and he lynches it in tightly. Daryl Mono screams for help, because of his little ring experience. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group releases the hold and he decides to let Daryl Mono get up to his feet. Daryl Mono stands in front of Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group with a look of shock and hatred. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group shoves him and tells him to hit him.

Daryl Mono refuses to throw a punch, so Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group slaps him across the face and hits a bull dog. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group covers, but only lets it be a two count. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group demands Daryl get up to his feet. When Daryl does so, Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group spits in his face. Daryl Mono clinches his fist and throws one hell of a right hand. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group takes it right underneath the chin and he falls to the mat.

Carlos Catholic is in shock and awe over the punch. He slides in the ring and attends to Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group, who’s face must need some work. Carlos Catholic realizes that Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group has been KO’d from the punch, and he ain’t getting up any-time soon. Carlos Catholic looks fearful of Daryl Mono who has a look of happiness on his face.

Carlos Catholic extends his hand for a shake, and Daryl shakes it. Carlos Catholic sneaks behind Daryl Mono and he rolls him up. Carlos Catholic gets the quick three count and he rolls out of the ring dragging Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group. Daryl Mono smiles and is just generally happy to be wrestling as Carlos Catholic looks fearful of his own life. Carlos Catholic carries Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group to the backstage area. Daryl Mono slaps the fans hand as he walks up the ramp, as it seems the fans have found a new “common” man hero to cheer on.

WINNER: CHRIST LOVE

It appears as those The Jewish Street Crew is leaving the building. They are almost at the doors of the arena, when out of no where appears Caleb Darke. Caleb Darke is accompanied by Julian Snakes, Harold Agnes, The Duck, Joe, Johnny Colorado and Wendell Mehitler who is injured. Caleb Darke gets right in the face of Jewish Rapper, who doesn’t look impressed.

JEWISH RAPPER: “Whoa, dude, your breath is harsh.”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “Cover your breath like you got SARs.”

CALEB DARKE: “Funny, but it just so happens that this is my building, this is my show. If I want to have bad breath, than I certainly will. So, you are part of MBSEL, right?”

BOTH: “Right.”

CALEB DARKE: “And you must be getting some lucrative contract from my brother… Dallas Darke? Like, you must be making a lot of money.”

JEWISH RAPPER: “If you want to convert us into D.W.A., wrestlers, than give up. We are MBSEL 4 LIFE.”

CALEB DARKE: “Oh, alright. I just wanted to clarify that before it happened.”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “What happened?”

Wendell Mehitler steps forward with a chair and hits Adam Goldberg. Jewish Rapper tries to strike Wendell Mehitler, but the other men stop him.

CALEB DARKE: “That.”

Jewish Rapper is eventually beaten down by the numbers as he can no longer defend himself. Jewish Rapper and Adam Goldberg lay at the feet of The Forces Of Evil, who stand with a smug grin on their face. Caleb Darke signals for them to leave, and they do. The camera focuses in on the blood leaking from the head of Adam Goldberg, as we realize that this ain’t over.

The camera follows Julian Snakes as he walks through the halls looking for something. Out of no where, The Mango Kid jumps him and attacks him with kicks and punches. The two men have a mini-scrap as The Mango Kid tries to kill his ex-friend.

THE MANGO KID: “You told me… you’d never leave me.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “I lied, you tulip pluckin’ pansy.”

THE MANGO KID: “You stabbed me in the back, and I’ll make sure to return the favor on Thursday.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “I’ll be sure to rape your asshole so hard, pin you 1-2-3, and than oust you from the closet, you fudge packing, compulsive lying, self-loathing, small-dicked, pathetic man!”

THE MANGO KID: “I’m not gay!”

The Mango Kid tries to get one last shot in on his ex-friend, but he cannot. The referee’s separate the two from hurting each other any further. The Mango Kid walks away from Julian Snakes, who has a look of guilt and of sneakiness on his face. Perhaps, something is up.

D.W.A. FEMALE TITLE MATCH

SALLY THE QUARTER WHORE versus MARIA THE UPDATE WOMAN

Sally the Quarter Whore is the champion and she makes her way to the ring first. She waves to a few of the fans, but gets a pretty negative reaction. It was two weeks ago that her ex-boyfriend, Johnny Colorado, went ballistic and tried to beat the hell out of her. Dave The Weather Man came to the rescue though; and in an interesting twist, here she is fighting Dave The Weather Man’s friend, Maria The Update Woman.

“My psychologist said I was fucking crazy,” a voice states over the PA system, and it is Johnny Colorado as he walks down the ramp with a chair in his hands. “But you know what, I’m fed right up. So I’ve come down here, to hurt you both. Why? To send a lesson to the side-show freaks… Johnny Colorado ain’t going to take it!”

Johnny Colorado makes his way right down to the ring and the women look terrified of Johnny Colorado. The fans look to the ramp, expecting Dave The Weather Man to help him. But wait, Dallas Darke appears from the crowd with a chair of his own and he knocks the hell right out of Johnny Colorado. The women rush to the back as Dallas Darke has made an impact here this week.

Dallas Darke grabs a microphone and curses at his ex-friend, “Pay backs are a bitch, eh? Johnny, did you see that chair coming? Probably not. But guess what you did to me? You left me out in the cold. So I took this here chair, and I busted your god-damn head right open. I took a class in high-school, called Revenge 101. And I just took a page right out of Mr. Redemption daily lesson plan, bitch!”

Dallas Darke heads through the crowd as Johnny Colorado gets to his feet, blood dripping down his forehead. Johnny Colorado curses at Dallas Darke, but Dallas Darke gets the fans to chant you sold out in unison as Johnny Colorado chases him to the back.

WINNER: NO CONTEST

Joe is in the backstage area with Eminem and Wendell Mehitler. Eminem is talking about how he is going to beat the living hell out of Michael Jackson, so that he is fired and gone.

JOE: “Eminem, I want to watch the blood drip down his face. I want to feel the pain on his face. MAKE HIM SUFFER!”

WENDELL MEHITLER: “Like the Jews!”

EMINEM: “Yeah, like those Jews you guys beat up. Alright, alright. I’m terrified though. Have you seen the shit that has been going on here tonight. Those two Jews show up, The Mango Kid attacked Julian Snakes, Dallas Darke attacks Johnny Colorado. It seems as though… you know, things aren’t safe here. Joe, do you mind if… well… Wendell escorts me to the wash room?”

JOE: “Nah, I’ll just lock the door.”

EMINEM: “Alright, cool.”

Eminem and Wendell Mehitler go to the door, open it and close it. Joe travels to the door and he locks it behind them. Joe sits on a bench and relaxes, looking over his shoulder ever so often. All of the sudden, in the door way behind Joe, Michael Jackson appears.

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Hello Joe.”

JOE: “Holy shit!”

Joe rushes for the door, but Michael Jackson pulls a butcher knife from his pocket and he smiles.

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Don’t move you sexy twelve year old.”

JOE: “Alright, don’t stab me.”

Michael Jackson approaches Joe and stabs him straight in the stomach. Joe looks down at his stomach as he cannot believe what has just happened.

JOE: “You…”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Stabbed you…”

JOE: “What? Why?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Because. I had too. If I can’t have you, you must be dead. Joe… I … really cared about you.”

JOE: “Michael… I loved you… but you hurt me…”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “I hope this stab wound is the last hurt you ever receive. I love you.”

Joe is now hunched over his wound, nearing his death bed. Michael Jackson bends over and he raises Joe’s head with his hands. Michael Jackson softly kisses Joe on the lips as the blood spills out of his body. Joe gasps for air, as Michael Jackson releases his hold. Michael Jackson slowly walks away and Joe gasps for air once more… but there isn’t any there. Joe reaches for the sky, but his arms falls short and lands on the hard pavement. Joe stops moving and it appears as though… Joe is dead. The end of a legacy.

Caleb Darke heads to the ring with a microphone in hand. There is a difference though… as he isn’t accompanied by anyone. Caleb Darke slides in the ring and demands a microphone from the ring announcer. The ring announcer hands it to him and Caleb Darke looks worried.

CALEB DARKE: “Where the hell is the reinforcement? Where is The Forces Of Good? Where is Julian Snakes?”

The camera mysteriously pans to Julian Snakes, who is lying in the middle of the floor. The camera pans up to the Mango Kid who is smiling. The camera than switches to Johnny Colorado, who is unconscious in the parking lot, Dallas Darke and a group of men stand over him. The camera pans to Wendell Mehitler who has been stabbed much like Joe, in the chest. He is grabbing for the door as blood leaks from him. Eminem is seen hiding in the stall from Michael Jackson, who holds a knife. The Duck is seen handcuffed in the backstage area by The Duck and The Forces Of Good. Harold Agnes is shown walking around backstage, because due to his old-age he is pretty useless as a body-guard.

CALEB DARKE: “How… what? MBSEL… D.W.A…. George Bush… this place is collapsing!”

All of the faces in this wrestling universe, ranging from George Bush, to Dallas Darke, to Antman and Bone Boy, to Lobster surround the ring. Caleb Darke looks fearful of his life, as the first D.W.A. event arises.

GEORGE BUSH: “Caleb, we are killing your wrestling program from within your own company…”

DALLAS DARKE: “Hold the phone there, Bushy, you are fighting him from within the system. Me and my crew, MBSEL, are killing D.W.A. from the outside.”

GEORGE BUSH: “Get over it, Dallas. You failed.”

It seems as though the outside of the ring is separated into two sides. Dallas Darke, and his small MBSEL rebellion. And on the other side is George Bush and the rebels of the D.W.A. It looks as though there is a lot of confrontation going on within the party. A brawl backs open as the MBSEL and D.W.A. rebels begin to brawl. Caleb Darke rushes through the crowd, as Dallas Darke and George Bush chase after him. Eventually Dallas and George Bush get in a shoving match that ends the entire show – a rebellion warring against itself.

Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV Card

HELL IN A CELL MATCH for 33.33333% OWNERSHIP OF D.W.A. : John Kerry versus George Bush

PARKING LOT BRAWL PINK-SLIP ON AN ELECTRIC BARBED WIRE, THUMB TACK POLE-MOAT SURROUNDED BY SHARKS MATCH: Eminem versus Michael Jackson

I’M NOT GAY MATCH: Julian Snakes versus The Mango Kid

“NORMAL WRESTLING MATCH” MATCH: Johnny Colorado versus Dave The Weather Man

SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE MATCH [GENE SMITH]: Mike Smith versus Ronald Feature

4 vs. 4 SURVIVAL MATCH: The Forces Of Good versus The Forces Of Evil

BROTHER versus BROTHER: Caleb Darke versus Dallas Darke

CRUCIFIX MATCH: Christ Love versus The Jewish Street Crew

ELIMINATION MATCH: The Zombies versus Better Off Dead II versus The Superheroes versus The Chaos Brothers

Make your predictions now...! Or else!

Edited November 30, 2004 by PunkRockPete

[Ace]

Hey This Is Our First 3 Hour PPV Card

HELL IN A CELL MATCH for 33.33333% OWNERSHIP OF D.W.A. : John Kerry versus George Bush

George should win setting up a feud between him and Dallas and Careb

PARKING LOT BRAWL PINK-SLIP ON AN ELECTRIC BARBED WIRE, THUMB TACK POLE-MOAT SURROUNDED BY SHARKS MATCH: Eminem versus Michael Jackson

MJ's career in DWA/MBSEL is over now that Joe is dead.

I’M NOT GAY MATCH: Julian Snakes versus The Mango Kid

The Mango Kid is NOT GAY

“NORMAL WRESTLING MATCH” MATCH: Johnny Colorado versus Dave The Weather Man

Thanks to Dallas Drakes interference

SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE MATCH [GENE SMITH]: Mike Smith versus Ronald Feature

...when Gene turns on Mike

4 vs. 4 SURVIVAL MATCH: The Forces Of Good versus The Forces Of Evil

Cause they are the good guys.

BROTHER versus BROTHER: Caleb Darke versus Dallas Darke

I see a double DQ happening here and so it leaves everything hanging in the air as to who really is the best.

CRUCIFIX MATCH: Christ Love versus The Jewish Street Crew

Christ Love just suck. End of Discussion

ELIMINATION MATCH: The Zombies versus Better Off Dead II versus The Superheroes versus The Chaos Brothers

Antman and Bone Boy pick up the win here with Ease.

[RPS]

HEY THIS IS OUR FIRST THREE HOUR PAY-PER-VIEW

‘Are you ready to rock and roll?’ display across the really big screen, which has no name. Pyros explode all over the stage and a pink mist fills the arena. The theme song for this Pay-Per-View is “Rigged On A Fix ” by Rancid, who are here performing the song live. We are given a quick video package to sum up the important events hi lighting the feuds.

The Zombies were injured, but made their return and dominated in a tag-team match two days ago. AIDSMon died, but Salvador Seizure found Cancerous Carl to sub in. The D.W.A. Cellphones Are For Pricks Title was won by the Superheroes, who have since switched identities to their evil alter ego, Mix Master Doug and the Funky, with the question posed who will be on hand tonight, the Good or the Evil. The Chaos Brothers like always have absolutely nothing to do, and just float around the division doing nothing.

Christ Love have been for weeks trying to promote their band, facing off against sinners left and right. And now they have seemed to appease these angers and saw their band not succeed in the music business. They left an open challenge out to any team, and the first Jewish tag-team showed up and they accepted the challenge. The urban pairing of this rapper and producer in the wrestling ring can only lead to trouble for the Christians – especially since their opponents are Jewish and they are fighting them in a Crucifix match. Will we see a reenactment of the bible; or will The Jewish Street Team be lynched upon the cross?

Caleb Darke warned his brother, and was able to rub sweet victory in his face for the first time ever when he thought he put Dallas Darke out of business. The end result being D.W.A. Dallas Darke has since returned, leading the claim that MBSEL will return with Wednesday Night Wank-Fest! And as a result, Dallas Darke has laid down the challenge that he will be in town tonight, LOOKING for a fight! Is Dallas Darke bluffing the world, or is he serious when it pertains to the future of his company.

We all thought Lobster was dead, but he was secretly getting trained in a swamp by Harumph, an eccentric alien, alongside treasonous robot 101010101010101010. Upon return, Lobster and The Forces of Good set out to solidify themselves within the realm of the world, by taking on their biggest role yet – The Forces of Evil. Lobster has already promised that after defeating The Forces Of Evil and suppressing them into submission, he would free friend and car-driver, Hand Solo. Will all go as planned, or will Lobster lose his hand much like Luke Skywalker lost his in The Empire Strikes Back?

Mike Smith impregnanted his own sister, Mary. Or was it Ronald Feature? Does it matter right now? Because they are fighting over a title belt that originally belongs to Mike Smith, but was hijacked by Ronald Feature. Ronald Feature, the triple champion should by all means be on the receiving end of some pretty harsh boos. But Mike Smith has already sold his sister’s baby off to Eleinfant Killer, a man who wants to eat the baby when it comes out of the womb. Slapped in the middle is clueless Gene Smith who just wants to wrestle.

Michael Jackson debuts. Eminem debuts, attacks Michael Jackson. Eminem leaves Michael Jackson alone. Michael Jackson falls in love with a boy named Joe. Joe sells Michael Jackson out. Michael Jackson gets beaten up a lot by Joe’s new body-guard, Wendell Mehitler. Eminem brings attention back to Michael Jackson. Joe and Eminem develop a certain alliance. Michael Jackson goes ballistic, kills Joe and stabs body-guard, Wendell Mehitler. Michael Jackson and Eminem square off in one hell of a confusing match.

Johnny Colorado has seemingly gone crazy, with recent revelation that he wants to eliminate all gimmicks from D.W.A. Johnny Colorado almost very well succeeded, hurting the likes of Triple L {2401}, The Zombies and Maria The Update Woman. But now the greatest task lays in front of him … a Weather Man with one hell of an attitude. Will Dave The Weatherman be able to over-take Colorado’s anti-gimmick crusade, or will Dave The Weatherman flounder like the one’s before him?

Julian Snakes and the Mango Kid seemed to have the best friendship in the world, until Julian Snakes “dumped” him as a friend to “be friends” with the new owner, Caleb Darke. The Mango Kid has denied vehemently that he is a homosexual and tonight, we may just find out the answer if he is defeated for the first time in his wrestling career. If he loses… he will admit he is gay. If not, he can continue living the life-style of a straight man lying to the world about his homosexual past.

George Bush and John Kerry squared off in the political realm and John Kerry came out victorious, which led to the destruction of the MBSEL and the eventual destruction of America. Kerry wants to kill America, and he wants D.W.A. to succeed. George Bush wants to destroy the entire world and he wants to kick the ass of John Kerry. He really doesn’t care about wrestling. Who will win --- the President or the Former President? FIND OUT… TONIGHT!

D.W.A. CELLPHONES ARE FOR PRICKS TAG-TEAM TITLE MATCH

THE ZOMBIES versus BETTER OFF DEAD II versus THE SUPERHEROES versus THE CHAOS BROTHERS

The evening kicks off with quite the enticing match-up, a 4 way elimination match for the Cellphones Are For Pricks Tag-Team Title match. The champions, the Superheroes come out, but they are dressed as their alter egos… Mix Master Doug and the Funky. These two get the crowd going against them with some taunts like the middle finger. The Funky even tries to slap an audience member, but the audience member manages to narrowly dodge the slap. The Zombies make their ways to the ring and they are looking ready to brawl right here tonight. Cancerous Carl and Salvador Seizure make their ways down the aisle and the match starts without the inclusion of the Chaos Brothers.

Carl and Salvador double team Patrick Zombie, while the Supervillians double team Ted The Zombie. Better Off Dead II hit a back body drop on Patrick Zombie, while the Supervillians hit a double clothes line on Ted The Zombie. Big and Medium Chaos make their way down to the ring and they enter the match. Big Chaos grabs Carl and Salvador by their throats and choke slam. Medium Chaos hits a drop kick on Mix Master Doug, and than on The Funky.

Eventually the match gets to a stable state and it appears as though Medium Chaos and The Funky are going to start the match. Medium Chaos drills The Funky in the side of head with forearm after forearm. Medium Chaos hits a tight snap mare and than finishes the move with a drop kick to the back of the head. Medium Chaos locks in a chin lock and clinches in the hold. The Funky hits a thumb to the eye and breaks the hold. The Funky makes the diving tag and Salvador Seizure is in the ring now.

Medium Chaos ducks a clothes line by Salvador and Salvador catches the end of Medium Chaos boot as he hits a spinning heel kick. Salvador falls to the mat, and Medium Chaos tags in his partner, Big Chaos. Salvador Seizure gets to his feet and Big Chaos goes for a choke slam, but using the momentum of the move, Salvador hits a roll-up for a two count. Big Chaos struggles to his feet and Salvador hits a kitchen sink right to the gut. Salvador makes the tag to his tall tag-partner, Cancerous Carl.

Cancerous Carl enters the ring and he attacks Big Chaos with a axe handle to the back. Big Chaos drapes himself across the top rope and Cancerous Carl proceeds to choke him. The referee warns Carl of a DQ, but Carl doesn’t care. The referee gets to the 4 count, and Carl releases the hold. Carl drags Big Chaos to the middle of the ring and he takes him down with a body slam. Cancerous Carl tags in Patrick Zombie. Patrick Zombie climbs all the way to the top and hits a splash on Big Chaos, only for a two count.

Patrick Zombie makes the quick tag to Mix Master Doug who hits a missile drop kick on Big Chaos. Big Chaos falls to the mat and he is looking worn out. Mix Master Doug covers and gets a two count. Big Chaos struggles to his feet and he makes the tag to Medium Chaos. Medium Chaos enters the ring and he ducks a clothes line by Mix Master Doug and he hits a release german suplex! Medium Chaos covers, but the Funky breaks up the cover.

The Funky and Mix Master Doug double team Medium Chaos to the dismay of the referee. They send Medium Chaos into the ropes and go for a double clothes line, but Medium Chaos ducks the clothes line. As The Supervillians turn around, Big Chaos grabs them by the throats and choke slams them both. Medium Chaos makes the quick cover, but only a close two count. Mix Master Doug makes the hot tag to Salvador Seizure.

Salvador Seizure and Cancerous Carl try to intervene in the business of The Chaos Brothers, but find that The Zombies aren’t going to allow this to happen. The Chaos Brothers and The Zombies toss Salvador Seizure to the outside and than hit Cancerous Carl with one hell of a 4 man back body drop. Carl flies high in the air and crashes to the mat. Patrick Zombie covers and gets the three count, sending Better Off Dead II to the back due to their loss!

Patrick Zombie attacks Medium Chaos from behind now, hitting him with a few kidney shots. Medium Chaos swings around and tries to strike Patrick Zombie, but misses and keeps going. Patrick Zombie eventually hits a perfect Dragon Suplex with a cover, but only a two count. Big Chaos enters the ring now and he goes to choke slam Patrick Zombie. But wait, The Funky jumps on the back of Big Chaos and proceeds to choke him. Big Chaos just rips The Funky off his back and slams him into the mat. As The Funky gets to his feet, Big Chaos rushes at him and hits a running choke slam! Medium Chaos covers, but he realizes The Funky isn’t the legal man in the ring.

As Medium Chaos argues with the referee, Patrick Zombie low blows him. The Zombies proceed to hit their bulldog, pile driver combo called the Graveyard Plant. Patrick Zombie covers Medium Chaos and gets the three count.

Patrick Zombie gets to his feet and Mix Master Doug has switched identities to Antman! Antman is in the ring throwing a punch a second and Patrick Zombie is left reeling. The Funky, who has yet to change identies hits a running knee lift to the Patrick Zombie! The Funky and Antman have a stare down, which ends in a shove off. Both men decide to bond together to knock down Ted The Zombie.

A shouting match ensues between the tag-team champions who are caught in quite a predicament. One has changed alter-egos… the other has not. Ted The Zombie and Patrick Zombie end up hitting both men with running forearms. Patrick and Ted The Zombie pick p Antman and proceed to set up for the Graveyard Plant, but The Funky has seen enough. He drop kicks and hits both men with some of his kicks. This sends both men to the mat. The Funky climbs to the top rope and he signals for a 450 splash. Antman proceeds to hit a spring board moonsault in the ring, knocking The Funky off the top rope, but Antman connects with Patrick Zombie! Antman gets the three count and the victory.

After the bell, The Funky grabs his title belt and waits for the Antman to recover. The Funky slams the title belt right into the skull of Antman. The Funky proceeds to spit on his partner’s alter ego and than The Funky heads to the back. One can only wonder what tomorrow will shape up to be --- when he be The Funky or Bone Boy? And will Antman still be Antman or someone else? Only in my diary folks can a tag-team of wrestlers with alter egos have different story-lines going on between their alter egos.

WINNER: THE SUPERVILLIAN AND SUPERHERO

4 on 4 SURVIVAL MATCH

THE FORCES OF GOOD versus THE FORCES OF EVIL

The first team to make their way to the ring is The Forces of Good, who consist of Lobster, Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter, 10101010101010101, Eiwehc! They all make their way to the ring, aware of what could happen to them at any moment, that this could all be a set-up.

The second team is the Forces Of Evil, who are evil. The team consists of The Duck, Nancy Catalogue [subbing in for the now deceased Joe], Wendell Mehitler and Harold Agnes. These four all make their way down the aisle, getting quite the awful reaction from the fans. They all get in the ring and a stare-down persists between the two teams.

The match kicks off with Harold Agnes and Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter, the two weakest of the teams. Harold Agnes approaches her and back hands her straight to the mat. Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter gets up to her feet and Harold Agnes punchesr her in the face. Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter falls to the mat and Harold Agnes covers her. One---two---three! Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter rolls out of the ring and she proceeds to cry.

The Forces Of Good are already down a member, but this doesn’t stop 101010101010 from entering the ring and hitting Harold Agnes with a single leg take-down. 1010101010101010 applies a sharp shooter and Harold Agnes looks ready to tap. In the ring enters Wendell Mehitler and kicks 1010101010101010 off of Harold Agnes.

1010101010101010 struggles to his feet and Harold Agnes tags into Nancy Catalogue. Nancy Catalogue enters the ring and drop kicks 1010101010101010 into the corner and he tags in Eiwehc! Eiwehc enters the ring and he stands at 7 feet tall, almost as tall as Wendell Mehitler. Nancy Catalogue tries to hit a running drop kick, but Eiwehc simply tosses Nancy out of the way. Nancy makes the hot tag to Harold Agnes who enters the ring and gets kicked in the face by Eiwehc! Harold makes the tag to Wendell Mehitler!

The big man and big creature both collide in the middle of the ring. Wendell applies a wrist lock, but Eiwehc simple breaks free out of strength. Eiwehc throws Wendell into the corner and he hits shot after shot right to the kidneys. Eiwehc hits a huge upper cut that sends Wendell to the outside. Nancy Catalogue enters the ring and jumps on the back of Eiwehc and applies a sleeper hold. Harold Agnes enters the ring and kicks Eiwehc right in his wookie nads!

It appears as though the beat-down of the century is going down, but wait… Lobster clothes lines Harold Agnes and 1010101010101010 rips Nancy Catalogue off the shoulders of the wookie. Eiwehc grabs Nancy Catalogue by the throat and choke slams the shit out of the cross dresser! Eiwehc rushes towards Wendell Mehitler who is on the apron and knocks him down. The fans are in a complete frenzy over this wookie! The Duck is tagged in!

The Duck signals for the ring to be just him and Eiwehc, so 1010101010101010 and Lobster get out of the ring. Eiwehc and The Duck have a little stare down, that ends in Eiwehc trying to step on The Duck. A force seems to stop Eiwehc, and it is indeed THE CLAMP. Lobster is overwhelmed with fear as the wookie Eiwehc is forced to the mat and The Duck pins him with the Clamp, a mind technique taught to Lobster by Harumph!

Eiwehc is announced to be eliminated from the match leaving the full Forces Of Evil to destroy the two remaining members of the Forces Of Good, 1010101010101010 and Lobster! Lobster enters the ring ready to attack Duck who cowardly tags in Wendell Mehitler. Wendell Mehitler gets right into the face of Lobster and talks smack. Lobster throws a few punches to the face of Wendell Mehitler and kicks him in the gut… a DDT! Lobster DDT’d Wendell and he covers… one---two--- NO, Harold Agnes breaks up the count.

Harold Agnes and Wendell double team Lobster, delivering chop after chop after chop. Eventually they send him into the ropes for a double back body drop, but Lobster stops in mid run and drop kicks them both in the groin! Lobster makes the hot-tag to his robot companion 1010101010101010! 1010101010101010 enters the ring and takes both men down with separate body slams!

1010101010101010 is about to drop a leg drop on Harold Agnes when Nancy Catalogue enters the ring with pliers. Nancy Catalogue opens the back of 1010101010101010 metal backside and he snips a cord with the pliers! 1010101010101010 seemingly shuts down and falls to the mat. Harold Agnes drapes his arm over top the robot and the referee makes the three count.

Oh dear… Lobster is down 1 to 4 and must face the fight of a life time.

Lobster enters the ring and immediately Harold Agnes tries to make him pass out by swatting his old-man smell towards Lobster. Lobster ducks the old-man smell and kicks Harold Agnes right in the ribs. Lobster hoists him in the air and POWER bombs Harold Agnes. Lobster covers, but Nancy Catalogue breaks up the count! The referee warns Nancy Catalogue to stay on the outside. As Nancy Catalogue retreats to the apron, Lobster rolls Harold Agnes into a small little package and the referee makes the very fast three count. Harold Agnes has been eliminated so soon from the match.

Wendell Mehitler enters the ring and he rushes towards Lobster… but he gets body slammed. Nancy Catalogue is in the ring now and he gets hip tossed by Lobster! Lobster is on a roll now as he drop kicks Wendell in the face and that sends him to the corner. Lobster mounts Wendell and delivers the ten punch! Lobster is ripped off Wendell by Nancy at the tenth punch. Lobster chops Nancy Catalogue in the stomach and than grabs Nancy by the hair and tosses it to the outside!

Lobster drops Wendell Mehitler with a huge spine buster. Lobster gets to his feet and his eyes catch the eyes of The Duck. For a brief second, pure hatred, yet pure love is shared between the two. Lobster challenges the Duck to come into the ring and enter a new realm of hurt. Wait… Nancy Catalogue is in the ring with a chair and he hits Lobster with great force! Lobster falls to the mat and the referee calls for the bell! Nancy Catalogue has been disqualified! Nancy Catalogue is about to level Lobster with a second shot, but wait… 1010101010101010 has entered the ring and begins a brawl with Nancy Catalogue to the back.

Wendell Mehitler gets to his feet and he realizes he has Lobster just where he needs him. Wendell picks Lobster up to and he drops him with a running power slam. The Duck encourages Wendell to end the match, but Wendell refuses. He utters the words, “I MUST KILL LOBSTER!” The Duck shakes his head no, but Wendell refuses to not kill Lobster!

Wendell picks up Lobster once again and he power slams him for the second time. The Duck quacks at Wendell, but he doesn’t listen he picks up Lobster for the third power slam. As he hoists Lobster onto his shoulders, Lobster slides down and he manages to roll up Wendell, except he locks in one hell of an ankle lock. Lobster squeezes the hold tightly as Wendell cries for help. The Duck shakes his head no, sending a message he made a mistake.

Wendell grabs for the ropes, but Lobster won’t let him! He won’t let him god-dammit! Wendell has nothing left in his system, he simply passes out from the pain. The referee rewards the eliminating and Lobster has knocked Wendell Mehitler down a peg! The Duck is left and so is Lobster! This is going to be the biggest and baddest battle since… LUKE AND DARTH!

The Duck enters the ring and he has his rocket launcher in his hands. He stands in the middle of the ring, awaiting Lobster’s presence. Lobster meets him in the middle of the ring and he stares deeply into his eyes. An exchange like this can only be seen here in D.W.A., as there is deep hatred between the two. The Duck laughs at Lobster.

“QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!” exclaims the Duck; Lobster gasps in complete and utter shock.

” You mean… you mean… I can’t believe it.”

“Quack quack quack, quack.” The Duck exclaims once more.

“You are… my …mother!”

Well that is a shock; The Duck had a fucking vagina all of this time and here I am reporting it as a GUY!

Lobster is overwhelmed with shock. The Duck raises the rocket launcher and fires it. Lobster tries to dodge the rocket, but it blows his one pincher right off! Blood squirts everywhere, soaking the people in the first few rows. Lobster rolls out of the ring with the new-found injury and rushes to the back. The referee makes the ten count and Lobster has been officially counted out. The Duck is victor, a woman and the father of a Lobster. Holy,fucking,shit.

WINNER: THE FORCES OF EVIL [sURVIVING MEMBER, THE DUCK]

CALEB DARKE versus DALLAS DARKE

Welcome To The Jungle plays and Caleb Darke comes to the ring ready to brawl, and the fans are ready to witness a brawl. Caleb Darke slides in the ring and he looks ready to confront his brother. Voice Of The Voiceless by Rage Against The Machine plays and we are pumped and ready for Dallas Darke. But wait… he ain’t coming to the ring alone. He is accompanied by a very fit and muscular looking young man who has a mohawk about a foot tall… Dallas Darke slides in the ring and grabs a microphone.

“I said I was looking for a fight with you. I didn’t say I’d be fighting this battle, Caleb. Meet Sidney Liar, one of the new members of MBSEL. Sidney Liar is a true fucking anarchist, so even after the match is over, he might fucking lynch you. Ring the bell.”

CALEB DARKE versus SIDNEY LIAR

The match looks ready to begin, Caleb Darke is ready to lock up with Sidney Liar. But wait, Sidney Liar stops him, he digs into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette. Sidney Liar lights the cigarette and takes a few puffs from it. Sidney decides to wrestle with the cigarette in his mouth.

Caleb Darke slugs him in the face a few times, but Sidney Liar slaps the taste right out of his mouth. Sidney Liar kicks him in the gut and than drops him with what a lot of wrestling fans know as the Ki Krusher, performed by Low’Ki! Sidney Liar takes his cigarette and he puts it out right on the forehead of Caleb Darke. Sidney Liar covers Caleb Darke by placing his boot on the chest of Caleb, the referee makes the three count.

After the bell has rung, Dallas Darke climbs to the top and hits a Swanton Bomb! Dallas and Sidney Liar head to the back as the fans are in complete shock and awe. Caleb Darke could have broken his neck in that very spot, but he lies with not a thought in his head, just a huge head ache!

WINNER: SIDNEY LIAR

CRUCIFIX MATCH

CHRIST LOVE versus THE JEWISH STREET TEAM

The cross is carefully set up inside of the ring, and it is low enough to the ring that a person can eventually nailed to the cross as it is about seven feet in the air to nail him to the cross with the structure being about fifteen feet in total, and it is attached with strings so it can be erect.

Out come the greatest Christian Rock group in D.W.A., Christ Love! Carlos Catholic and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group look ready for one of their biggest matches in their career. Adam Goldberg and Jewish Rapper come to the ring, for their first D.W.A. match ever. The two men slap the fans hands as they head into the ring and raise their hands. Carlos Catholic jumps Adam Goldberg from behind and the match begins just as quickly.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group and Jewish Rapper exchange some technical moves, but this ends when Jewish Rapper simply slaps Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group across the face. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group goes to slap Jewish Rapper, but he dodges it and applies an arm bar. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group almost makes Jewish Rapper tap, but Carlos Catholic interferes and he hits Jewish Rapper with a belly to belly suplex.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group and Carlos Catholic grab Adam Goldberg and throw him into the Crucifix. Adam Goldberg gets up to his feet and Carlos Catholic throws him once again into the wooden structure. There is no give on that cross there.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group picks Jewish Rapper up, but Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group gets distracted by the voice of Carlos Catholic. This gives Jewish Rapper the time to hit an atomic drop on Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group! Carlos Catholic rushes at Jewish Rapper only to get rolled up into a Boston Crab. Adam Goldberg picks up Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group and he drops him with a sick looking cradle DDT!

Carlos Catholic has managed to break the hold that he was once in, but he cannot evade being throw into the cross by Jewish Rapper a few times. Jewish Rapper than sets up Carlos Catholic and Irish whips him right into the cross. Carlos Catholic falls to the mat and he is indeed in pain. Jewish Rapper and Adam Goldberg set up Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group and they flap jack him right onto the wooden cross!

It seems as though Jewish Street Crew are in control as they head to the outside and they set up a table on the outside. The referee is quite confused as to why they are setting up a table, but all is fair in love and the wrestling ring. Or is that war?

Jewish Street Crew grab Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group and they proceed to drag him over to the corner near the table on the outside. They scale to the top rope and they set Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group up for something that won’t be pretty. They decide that it is time to end Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group as they pick up him into the air and drop him with one hell of a power bomb through the table and onto the floor. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group is not getting up tonight, folks.

Carlos Catholic is watching in horror and once the move is over, The Jewish Street Crew turn their heads and stare at him. Carlos Catholic decides it is in his best interest to scale the cross. Carlos Catholic makes it all the way to the top of the cross! Carlos Catholic looks ready to start climbing the rope part of it to escape his destiny. The Jewish Street Crew is in hot pursuit and eventually stop him from ascending the rope. Carlos Catholic exchanges punches with the two Jews until he has basically had enough.

Adam Goldberg sets up Carlos Catholic and eventually he hits a Russian Leg Sweep from the top of the Crucifix to the ring, and Carlos Catholic is feeling the pain, as well as Adam Goldberg. Jewish Rapper is still atop the Crucifix and ready to entertain the crowd. He points down into the ring and he sets himself up. Jewish Rapper gets quite the ovation as he takes off into the air and lands right on Carlos Catholic with a shooting star press from the top of the Cross!

Jewish Rapper helps Adam Goldberg to his feet and the two men collaborate on how to nail Carlos Catholic to the cross. Adam Goldberg hoists Carlos Catholic onto his shoulders and lays him flat against the cross. Jewish Rapper uses the ropes for balance as he nails him right onto the cross. The match is officially over as the last nail is nailed to the cross.

The Jewish Street Crew, true to the word of the bible, watch as Carlos Catholic ascends into the air Crucifixed like his leader. The Jewish Street Crew raise their hands in victory, and head to the back as the fans look on in horror as the two Christians were beaten by the Jews!

WINNER: THE JEWISH STREET CREW

SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE MATCH, GENE SMITH

MIKE SMITH versus RONALD FEATURE

Mike Smith comes to the ring first and than Ronald Feature does, the dual champion. And the referee of the match comes down … Gene Smith. With little sister, Mary Smith. The match looks ready to start when the big screen with no name shows the incriminating clip.

Last week, Mike Smith hands over his sisters baby to Eleinfant Killer so that he can eat it. Ronald Feature, Mary Smith and Gene Smith all triple team Mike Smith as he is in complete and utter shock. Mike Smith is sent off the ropes and Gene Smith hits a roll-up, forgetting he is the referee. Ronald Feature grabs the leg of Mike Smith and applies the sharp shooter. Mike Smith refuses to tap, so Mary kicks him in the face a few times.

Mike Smith cannot bare the pain anymore, so he taps! Mike Smith rolls out of the ring in pain and he begins to limp up the ramp. Mary Smith kisses Ronald Feature on the lips and Gene Smith stands in support of his brother new arch nemesis and their sister, who Mike knocked up. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

WINNER: RONALD FEATURE

NORMAL WRESTLING MATCH [there aren’t many]

JOHNNY COLORADO versus DAVE THE WEATHERMAN

Dave The Weatherman enters the arena to a substantial pop. He heads to the ring, instantly looking for his “normal” fight. Johnny Colorado makes his way onto the ramp, but wait… what the hell is this? Sally The Quarter Whore appears out of no where and begins to slap him! Sally The Quarter Whore slaps him numerous times until Johnny Colorado shoves her away.

From the crowd, The Zombies appear and jump ontop of Johnny Colorado. Colorado tries to fight back, but the numbers game is too much and he just runs away from the Zombies. Beside the ring though, Triple L {2401-LEG} has his prosthetic limb in hand and he clubs Johnny Colorado in the head. Johnny Colorado heads to the left side of the ring and Little Chaos knocks him out cold with his Satanism Title belt.

Johnny Colorado gets to his feet and he rushes away from Little Chaos, only to get low blowed by Maria The Update Woman. Johnny Colorado slides in the ring and the referee rings the bell. Johnny Colorado looks so worried about the attacks on the outside, he doesn’t even notice when Dave The Weatherman rolls him up and gets the three count! Johnny Colorado gets to his feet and he is so very angry.

Colorado begins to throw a fit, going to attack the referee, but his enemies out-number him and this causes him to retreat. Colorado rushes to the back in fear of what might happen to him. Johnny Colorado looks on in anger and beneath his breath vows revenge… only these actions are revenge for Colorado’s past actions. So Johnny Colorado is getting revenge on people getting revenge… a vicious cycle indeed.

WINNER: DAVE THE WEATHERMAN

HELL IN A CELL MATCH FOR 33.3333333% OWNERSHIP OF D.W.A.

GEORGE BUSH versus JOHN KERRY /w THE DUCK

The lights dim in the arena, the Cell lowers to the floor. Lights illuminate the steel structure as it sits on the padded floor. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns and Roses play as George Bush walks down to the ring with a cocky grin on his face. George Bush opens the Cell door and he walks inside. He shuts the door and he stands in the ring, his hands raised in the air. George Bush begins to test the strength of the ring as he awaits his opponent.

Walk Idiot Walk by the Hives plays as John Kerry makes his way to the ring… but he ain’t alone. Beside him stands the Duck, with a menacing grin on his face. John Kerry and The Duck open the door to the Cell, but only John Kerry gets in. The Duck stands on the outside, ready to interfere at any given point.

John Kerry gets in the ring now and George Bush awaits him in the middle of the ring. The bell rings three times and the match has officially began. John Kerry limbers over to the middle of the ring and a stare down ensues. George Bush looks John Kerry up and down, and than chuckles. John Kerry says something to George Bush, but all we hear is “fuck you”. George Bush says something about how Kerry’s wife is a big blubbering whale.

John Kerry shoves George Bush. George Bush looks to the crowd for inspiration and he shoves him back. John Kerry spits in the face of George Bush and the camera focuses right in on the wad of spit dripping from the forehead of Bush. Bush wipes it away with his left hand, and he stares down at the spit. Bush slaps John Kerry right in the face with the spit hand! John Kerry slaps George Bush back, and George Bush slaps him right back just as hard. The two have a mini-slap fight which ends with George Bush throwing a left hand.

John Kerry goes back with a right hand, and George Bush returns with a left hand. The two go back and forth for a few seconds, but John Kerry gets the upper hand to the crowd’s dismay. John Kerry has George Bush reeling, so he bounces off the ropes to hit him with a shoulder tackle, but George Bush side steps the attack and John Kerry bounces off the ropes once again. George Bush waits for John Kerry to bounces off the ropes and approach him before he throws a left hand that sends John Kerry right to the mat!

John Kerry struggles to his feet and George Bush rushes at him and takes him down with a clothes line! John Kerry falls to the mat once again and he is out of breath. He gasps for air, but he finds it no where near him. John Kerry gets to his feet once again and George Bush hits a clothes line once again that leaves Kerry on the mat and breathing hard. Bush signals for one last clothes line. John Kerry this time manages to kick George Bush right in the gonads before he can clothes line him. George Bush falls to the mat in complete and utter pain.

John Kerry walks around the ring bragging a little and he decides that he is going to go to the outside and get something. John Kerry goes underneath the ring and he grabs a chair. John Kerry slides it in the ring and he follows it in. John Kerry picks up the chair and he stands over top of George Bush talking smack. John Kerry picks up the chair and he readies to hit George Bush. As George Bush struggles to his feet, John Kerry slams the chair right into the spine of George Bush. The referee tries to talk John Kerry out of using the chair, but John Kerry refuses, he gets ready for another chair shot.

As George Bush struggles to his feet, John Kerry sets up for the second chair shot. This time he hits George Bush square in the forehead with the chair shot. John Kerry watches as George Bush falls over and lands on the mat. John Kerry drops the chair and he decides to pin George Bush, and he gets the one—two---th…no! George Bush kicked out at the very last second!

John Kerry gets to his feet first and he goes to grab the chair, but George Bush pulls it away before he can grab it. John Kerry backs off into the corner aware that George Bush has the chair in his possession now. George Bush gets to his feet and he curses at John Kerry. John Kerry pleads with George Bush to put down the chair, but George Bush refuses. George Bush lays the steel right onto the forehead of John Kerry, making him fall to the mat. George Bush throws the chair to the outside now and he covers John Kerry. One---two---thre… no! John Kerry kicks out now at the very last second.

John Kerry and George Bush both struggle to their feet, and both men realize they have yet to hit a single wrestling move in this wrestling match. John Kerry grabs George Bush by the neck and goes for a snap mare, but George Bush hits possibly the worst reversal ever as he simply punches John Kerry in the face. John Kerry falls to the mat and George Bush proceeds to stomp him a few times. John Kerry straggles to his feet and George Bush takes him down with a stiff left hand!

George Bush yells at John Kerry to get up to his feet and John Kerry does. George Bush throws about 5 punches at John Kerry and than he grabs him by the wrist. He Irish Whips him into the ropes and takes him down with a left hand! George Bush points to the top of the cell, and the camera pans out and we see that there is a sledgehammer on the top of the Cell. Perhaps George Bush placed that their before the match in hopes of crushing the skull of John Kerry.

John Kerry takes the opportunity of Bush being distracted to low blow him. John Kerry slides to the outside now and he digs into his pockets. He emerges with a pair of keys to unlock the cell door. John Kerry proceeds to leave the Cell and he starts to walk up the ramp. John Kerry says that he isn’t wrestling the rest of the match and he is heading towards the back. But wait --- the faces of the D.W.A. roster appear on the ramp and they intimidate John Kerry. John Kerry decides that it is in his best interest to return to the Cell.

George Bush is up to his feet now and he goes to the outside. George Bush watches as John Kerry is climbing the cell. Although John Kerry is climbing, in his old-age he isn’t going very fast. George Bush begins to climb the opposite side of the cage and it is a race to the top. George Bush makes his way to the top of the Cell first and than John Kerry does seconds after. The two glare at each other from a first distance and than travel to the middle of the Cell. The two men go punch for punch until they both are slumped over and almost unable to throw a punch. But both men dig deep and manage to throw punch after punch.

Eventually John Kerry gets fed up with this and he kicks George Bush in the groin, making that his third low blow of the match. John Kerry walks over to the sledge hammer and he picks it up. George Bush trips John Kerry, and he falls backwards and lands on the Cell, which has to hurt a lot. John Kerry drops the sledge hammer and it falls over the side of the Cell and to the floor. The Duck takes this chance to pick up the sledge hammer and to start ascending the side of the Cell.

John Kerry and George Bush both get up to their feet now and John Kerry manages to gain the upper hand and he picks George Bush up into the air. John Kerry body slams him right onto the top of the cell. George Bush is cautious though, as he immediately rolls off the place he landed. The same place where he landed soon becomes very loose. John Kerry proceeds to kick the Cell away and there is a huge hole in the top of the Cell.

John Kerry and George Bush both get up to their feet and they are going punch for punch again. The Duck approaches both men, sledge-hammer in his wings and he winds up. The Duck swings the sledgehammer and he connects. The sledgehammer connects with the skull, causing him to fall from the Cell all the way down into the ring falling through the hole in the Cell. The fans are in complete and utter disbelief as John Kerry lays unconscious in the ring, The Duck stands with a menacing grin on his face, and George Bush stands untouched by the sledge hammer.

George Bush carefully drops down into the Cell and he walks over to the fallen body of John Kerry, who is without a doubt down and out after that shot to the head. George Bush places his foot on the fallen body of John Kerry and the referee makes the three count. George Bush is victorious here tonight and with the help of who we all believed to be his worst rival – The Duck!

WINNER: GEORGE BUSH to BECOME PARTIAL OWNER OF D.W.A.

PARKING LOT, PINK-SLIP ON A POLL MATCH

EMINEM versus MICHAEL JACKSON

By all means, this isn’t going to be pretty. Michael Jackson appears wearing nothing but a G-String thong. Eminem appears a wife-beater and jeans. Michael Jackson asks if Eminem is weirded out by his attire. Eminem refuses to answer the question.

Eminem and Michael Jackson have a little stare-down and we are led to believe that this is going to be one hell of a battle. But wait… what the hell is this?

One of the sharks from the moat has arisen from the water and he is rushing at both Michael Jackson and Eminem. In one huge bite, Eminem has been eaten! Eminem is dead, folks and the shit has indeed hit the fan. Michael Jackson is scared as he tries to run away from the running shark.

The shark chases Michael Jackson around the parking lot. Michael Jackson manages to escape the parking lot through a side door and the shark is so angry. He begins to shout racial and homophobic slurs towards Michael Jackson. The shark grabs the door and rips it off his hinges. Michael Jackson is seen in a back room dry-humping the dead corpse of Joe, with his lips against the corpse of Joes.

“Oh my god, this isn’t what it seems. Joe wanted it to be this way," Michael Jackson says rationalizing him fucking a corpse.

Michael Jackson tries to run away from the shark, but the shark grabs Michael Jackson by his G-String Thong. The shark throws Michael Jackson into a brick wall and he flies right through. Michael Jackson pleads with the shark.

“No, please! If you have any children that want to be molested, I am your man.”

The shark chuckles and with one huge bite, he eats Michael Jackson. The shark proceeds to walk away, with a full stomach. The shark notices the camera is following him, so he decides to speak up.

“Things piss me off. And I’ll be the first to say that… I HATE EVERYTHING. My name is Stephen The Disgruntled and Racist Shark. I hate my job as a shark, I hate watching these celebrities try to wrestle. It is embarassing. So therefore, I have interjected and decided to make myself a free agent, available to either MBSEL or D.W.A. I don’t like my current job as Shark, so therefore I am willingly to take the best offer from either MBSEL or D.W.A. as to whom wants the rights to my career. I will only accept a minimum bid of ONE TRILLION DOLLARS.”

Stephen The Disgruntled and Racist Shark walks away from the camera, with the fans knowing that not only is he perhaps the biggest free agent in wrestling, even considering Brock Lesnar and Hulk Hogan, but he ate two fucking annoying pop icons. And if we can’t thank a racist and disgruntled shark for that, what can we do?

WINNER: NO-ONE... BOTH ARE DEAD AND THANK-GOD

Julian Snakes heads to the ring first, and he is wearing pink tights with a rain bow shirt. Julian Snakes slaps the fans hands, aware of what going on’s have happened tonight. Michael Jackson… dead. Eminem… dead. Carlos Catholic is kind of like Jesus. George Bush owns 33.3333% of D.W.A. The Forces of Evil defeated The Forces Of Good. And now we will finally find out if… The Mango Kid is gay.

Julian Snakes instead of getting ready to fight, he grabs a microphone. “Mango… Mango… this isn’t right. I know what you are thinking… what the hell is Julian Snakes doing? Well, Mango… I am apologizing.”

The Mango Kid comes down the aisle without theme music and he slides in the ring. The Mango Kid looks ready to rip Julian Snakes a new asshole. The Mango Kid is going to strangle the life out of Julian Snakes, but instead grabs a microphone. The Mango Kid speaks up, “why should I trust you? You stabbed me in the back once before… and I can still feel the dagger’s blade!”

“Because… because, EVERYONE LISTEN... The Mango Kid isn’t gay.”

The fans are in complete and utter shock. Jaws hit the ground, a silence spreads throughout the arena. The Mango Kid… isn’t gay?

The Mango Kid speaks up, “it is true! I am not gay! But...”

Julian Snake smiles an evil smile, “his brother is..."

From the crowd appears a man with a stop sign. This man slides in the ring and hits The Mango Kid over the head with the stop sign. The man grabs The Mango Kid and he tosses him into the ropes and knocks him out cold with the stop sign right to the head. Julian Snakes laughs as he watches The Mango Kid lay bleeding and out cold on the mat. Julian Snakes speaks up, “Meet… The PINEAPPLE KID!”

The Pineapple Kid grabs his brother, The Mango Kid, and he places the stop sign on the ground. The Pineapple proceeds to hit a cradle DDT right onto the stop sign. Julian Snakes gets right into the face of his ex-friend and he decides to speak, “the world of wrestling loves headlines, so I’ll give them one right here… MANGO, you are here on duty for the military. So I am officially… sending you to the War in Iraq. The Mango Kid this is THE last the fans will see of you here in D.W.A. and hopefully the last we see of you ever. This dawns the new era in D.W.A. history… The Pineapple Kid era!”

The show fades to the black with so many bombshells dropped in one night. Will the world of wrestling ever be the same?!?!?!!??!?!

Edited December 7, 2004 by PunkRockPete

[RPS]

D.W.A. DUCK YOU

We don’t get the opening video that we are subjected to week in and week out. Instead we head straight to a recap of last week. We saw in a 4 team survival match, the Superheroes [one of whom was the Funky, a super-villain] overcome the odds and manage to win a match that many had said was a lost cause.

The Duck and his evil doers tag-team managed to start off fantastically against Lobster and his good-doing tag-team. So good that we saw the odds dwindle to Lobster versus 4 of his greatest foes. But all hope was not lost, as we saw The Duck stage a come back. Beating Harold Agnes with a roll-up, Nancy Catalogue tried to knock him senseless with a chair allowing it to be disqualified. Wendell Mehitler was punished for not listening to The Duck, and he tapped out to a Sharpshooter. The Duck revealed a dark secret from both his and Lobster past – he is Lobster’s mother! Lobster was in such shock, The Duck managed to shoot a rocket and knock Lobster’s pincher right off! Lobster fled the ring, allowing the Forces of Evil to pick up a victory.

Caleb Darke believed he was fighting his brother next and boy was he wrong. To hype up the debut of BSEL in two weeks, we saw Sidney Liar debut and beat the living hell out of Caleb Darke in a matter of seconds. In the crucifix match, we saw Christ Love crucified much like their messiah was thousands of years ago following two high risks moves. Mike Smith versus Ronald Feature didn’t even begin, as Mike Smith was triple teamed by his sister [and lover], his brother, and his nemesis [his ex-best friend]. Johnny Colorado couldn’t even make it to the ring to wrestle, and when he did he was distracted enough that Dave The Weatherman garnered a huge victory.

In perhaps one of the most buzz-worthy matches of this universe… we saw George W. Bush and John Kerry square off in a Hell In A Cell match for one third ownership of D.W.A. It was a match full of NO wrestling moves [minus the body slam onto the cell] that ended with The Duck creating waves in D.W.A… helping George Bush to victory and nearly killing John Kerry in the process. We saw perhaps a new allegiance formed, with the President of the United States of America left bleeding in the squared circle.

In one hell of a bizarre segment, Michael Jackson in a G-String thong was ready to fight Eminem. But a Shark appeared from the moat and DEVOURED Eminem in one huge bite. Chasing Michael Jackson around, the camera viewed on as Michael Jackson dry-humped the corpse of his ex-lover… JOE! The shark chased Michael Jackson around until he managed to eat the son of a bitch, ending the careers of two infamous wrestling legends; Michael Jackson and Eminem.

And in the main event, we never saw The Mango Kid and Julian Snakes square off. Julian Snakes pulled a fast one on his ex-friend, revealing that the Mango Kid wasn’t gay… it was The Pineapple Kid! With a few shots to the head with a stop-sign, we saw the end of the Mango Kid FOREVER in D.W.A… or have we?

And lastly, we are given a brief hint of things to come --- a new title belt will emerge from D.W.A, and it will be the figurehead of the company. The D.W.A. Milky-Way Title Tournament will start tonight.

The camera is filming an airplane sitting on a run-way. The camera slowly pans out and we see what is indeed important. The Mango Kid is seen dressed in an army uniform and he has a tear running down his face. The Mango Kid is hugged by his father, The Apple Man. The Mango Kid looks down at his father, The Cherry Woman, and he kisses her on the cheek.

THE MANGO KID: “Mom… Dad… I will always love you.”

THE CHERRY WOMAN: “I can’t believe they are sending you off to war son… it just doesn’t add up.”

THE MANGO KID: “I know it don’t mom. I just know it don’t. But everything happens for a reason.”

THE CHERRY WOMAN: “We’ll flee the country. We’ll smuggle you into Canada… ANYTHING! But not death for my little Mango baby!”

THE MANGO KID: “Mom, sometimes there are things that we MUST do, no matter how scared we are. And that includes killing innocent people in an unjust war. It doesn’t add up, but I will do my best.”

THE APPLE MAN: “I know why you are going. John Kerry sent you guys overseas with no weapons, with nothing. He wants you all dead!”

THE MANGO KID: “They ain’t giving us guns… they ain’t giving us training… they … want us to die. But don’t worry pa and ma. I’m a tough kid. I’ll survive. And so will everyone else. Because we are the United States of America and WE fight until we can’t FIGHT NO MORE.”

THE APPLE MAN: “Son… I love you.”

The camera pans out and we see a very undelighted looking young man. It is in fact, Julian Snakes. And by his side, is the brother of the Mango Kid, The Pineapple Kid! Oh, sparks shall fly.

JULIAN SNAKES: “Oh, Mango… have fun overseas. Don’t forget to send a post-card.”

THE PINEAPPLE KID: “I never loved you Mango. You hogged the spotlight. And now I have shoved you out of the spotlight. I am ready to continue your winning streak.”

THE CHERRY WOMAN: “You have to love your brother…”

THE PINEAPPLE KID: “Shut the HELL up mom. Because I have a little surprise for you…both you and dad… you’ve been drafted!”

THE MANGO KID: “DRAFTED?”

THE CHERRY WOMAN: “DRAFTED?”

THE APPLE MAN: “DRAFTED?”

JULIAN SNAKES: “And if you don’t get on that there plane, fly over to Iraq unarmed and UNTRAINED, than we’ve got an execution crew here ready to shoot away.”

Julian Snakes digs into his pocket and reveals a gun in his hand. He smiles at his ex-friend and his ex-friend’s parents. The Mango Kid and his parents walk onto the plane and they proceed to sit down in their seats. The camera pans outside to where Julian Snakes and the Pineapple Kid are standing and waving to them. Unfortunately, this is the last we will ever see of the Mango Kid. Say your good-bye’s, folks.

RONALD FEATURE & JOHNNY COLORADO versus LITTLE CHAOS & TRIPLE L {2401-LEG}

An interesting pairing of teams here tonight, as we see that the dual champion is teaming with Johnny Colorado to face the littlest Chaos Brother and Triple L {2401-LEG}. Triple L limps to the ring and slides in the ring and the match kicks off. Ronald Feature upper cuts Triple L in the corner while Johnny Colorado throws Little Chaos off the ropes. Little Chaos reverses the move into a hurricrana! This has the fans on their feet and cheering.

Little Chaos goes for another power bomb, but Johnny Colorado picks up Little Chaos and power bombs him to the outside. Little Chaos lands on the hard padded floor and he ain’t getting up again tonight folks. Johnny Colorado and Ronald Feature decide to double team Triple L. They toss him into the ropes and hit a double back body drop.

As Triple L struggles to his feet, Ronald Feature sneaks up from behind and bull dogs him. Johnny Colorado applies a Camel Clutch and than Ronald Feature eye rakes him a few times in the hold. Johnny Colorado releases the hold and stomps the back of Triple L.

Johnny Colorado and Ronald Feature travel to the outside and they pick up Little Chaos, who apparently is going to get up this match. Johnny Colorado picks up Little Chaos and sets up for a Spine buster. But wait… Ronald Feature takes a running start and jumps in the air, clothes lining Little Chaos into the ring post with a spine buster by Johnny Colorado. Colorado and Feature get in the ring now.

Colorado picks up Triple L {2401-LEG} and they hit the same move, like a Hart Attack, and Johnny Colorado covers with ease for the three count. Post-match, Johnny Colorado looks ready to rip a new asshole from Triple L, but from the crowd rushes Dave The Weatherman with a chair in hand. Colorado and Feature hit the floor and head to the back, avoiding a near beat-down moment.

WINNERS: RONALD FEATURE & JOHNNY COLORADO

In the backstage area, we see that a party is being held in a locker room. Gene Smith is opening a bottle of Champaign and pouring it into a cup. Ronald Feature bursts into the room and he grabs Mary Smith, who sat on the bench and kissed her. The three are about to indulge in a sip of Champaign.

RONALD FEATURE: “Oh, baby, I love you. I cannot wait until my baby is born.”

GENE SMITH: “Ronald, Mary, I cannot believe what happened on “Hey This Is Our First Three Hour PPV”. It was quite breath-taking. Mike Smith never saw it coming… ever!”

RONALD FEATURE: “And I know what you are thinking… what the hell is going on… Ronald Feature is only a dual champion. Well I’m a dual champion AND a soon to be father…”

The door opens and in walks Mike Smith with a good friend of his… Eleinfant Killer. The two look around the dressing room mocking the trio already inside. Smith and Eleinfant Killer eventually spot the trio. Mike Smith rips a glass of Champaign from the hand of his brother and he takes a swig of it.

MIKE SMITH: “What… a … party. I just so happened to be listening to your conversation. And you know, I expected a little more class from you guys…”

MARY SMITH: “You tried to give our baby to a ravaging idiot who was going to EAT it.”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “IDIOT? MY IQ IS ONE TRILLION! DUBBIE DUBBAH DUBBIE!”

RONALD FEATURE: “Hold on baby… hold on… you just said it was Mike Smith’s baby.”

MARY SMITH: “Well, Ronald… I cannot be sure. Who is to say for sure that it is someone’s baby… or it isn’t.”

RONALD FEATURE: “Well, I’d like a little more support.”

MIKE SMITH: “Silence!!! It seems evident that you guys aren’t a loving couple. And it seems evident that this baby belongs to me and my partner in crime, Eleinfant Killer. Because that baby is a DEMON baby. First off… if it is indeed my baby, than it was born out of incest and MUST be killed. Second off, if the baby is indeed yours, than my slutty sister cheated ON me and therefore it must be killed. So you’ve got ONLY one choice… DEATH.”

Ronald Feature and Gene Smith get right into the faces of Mike Smith and Eleinfant Killer. There seems to be a fight brewing up… but Mary Smith interrupts.

MARY SMITH: “Boys, boys, boys. Alright, there is tension here. And that ain’t good, because Team Generic is in a match tonight.”

MIKE & GENE SMITH: “WHAT?!?”

MARY SMITH: “That is true. I signed you up for a match with Eleinfant Killer!”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “I CANNOT WRESTLE TONIGHT, I MUST EAT MY MOTHERS UNBORN FETUS.”

GENE SMITH: “Well, if this is what you want Mary…”

MIKE SMITH: “No way am I stepping between the ropes and fighting… no way! YOU GOD-DAMN VILE VIXEN. I WILL GET MY REVENGE.”

The camera slowly leaves the dressing room of perhaps one of the most messed up group of people ever. An incest couple, there friend who is stealing away the sister, a brother who is stuck in the middle, and an infant killer who wants to eat the sisters baby. Delicious!

THE D.W.A. MILKY-WAY TITLE TOURNAMENT

LEAD SINGER OF A CHRISTIAN ROCK GROUP versus BIG CHAOS

Out first is Big Chaos, who looks ready to shake the ring with his huge size. He stands very tall, he isn’t very mobile and the only wrestling move he knows is the choke slam. Out next is the lovably Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group, who last week was power bombed through a table. He also witnessed his band-mate be crucified by two Jews, so he isn’t quite 100% tonight.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group extends his hand for a shake, but Big Chaos swats his hand away. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group slaps Big Chaos across the face and Big Chaos grabs him by the throat and he lifts him in the air… CHOKE SLAM! Big Chaos raises his hands in anger as he watches Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group get up to his feet. Big Chaos grabs him by the throat again and CHOKE SLAM. Big Chaos waits for Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group to get up to his feet for a third time so Big Chaos can choke slam him once again!

Big Chaos covers Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group and only gets a two count. Big Chaos claims it was a three count, but the referee disagrees. Big Chaos picks Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group up to his feet and he goes for yet another choke slam, but Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group kicks him in the groin and Big Chaos feels the effects of the kick. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group takes the opportunity to take him down to the mat with a clothes line.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group climbs to the second turn buckle and he aligns Big Chaos up for an elbow drop square to the chest… but Big Chaos decides to put his foot up in the air and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group lands right on the foot. Big Chaos gets up to his feet and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group tries to take him down with a running clothes line, but Big Chaos simply choke slams him down to the mat!

Big Chaos signals to the crowd he wants to end the match… but Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group has different plans as he low blows him. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group takes this opportunity to apply one hell of a sleeper hold. Big Chaos is feeling drowsy from the hold within seconds, and he is falling towards the mat. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group believes he has victory in his grasps as he tightens the told… but wait… Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group cannot keep the hold locked!

Big Chaos gets up to his feet and manages to hurl Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group off his back and to the mat. Big Chaos signals that he is going to choke slam the living hell out of Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group. But wait… a lighting bolt emerges from the ceiling!

And from the rafters, comes down a cross… and on that cross is Carlos Catholic! Oh deary me, the resurrection of Carlos Catholic only … 5 days AFTER IT HAPPENED. 5 Days… 5 Days… Big Chaos is in complete and utter shock! The referee is in complete and utter shock, as his jaw has hit the mat. The only person not in shock is Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group, who has a pair of brass knuckles on his hand. He punches Big Chaos and he covers him. The referee makes the three count, unaware of the illegal action that took place.

The lights dim and than they come back on and the cross is gone! What the hell is going down here in D.W.A… a little magic or a whole lot of religious shit that cannot be explained using science? Who the fuck cares!?

WINNER: LEAD SINGER OF A CHRISTIAN ROCK GROUP

We head to a promo for the next Pay-Per View, “Your Mom Has A Loose Vagina” live on PPV. The promo basically consists of hyping a few wrestlers, and the events that occurred at past events. Also, the waging war brewing between MBSEL and D.W.A. is detailed.

Voice Of The Voicless plays by Rage Against the Machine and Dallas Darke and Chris Flare make their way to the ring. Accompanying is roster of MBSEL including the Sidney Liar, Black Guy, Laura Lowblow, The Jewish Street Crew and a few others. Next Wednesday will be the debut of Wednesday Night Wank-Fest, and we can feel the excitement in the arena already.

DALLAS DARKE: “Boys and girls, CHILDREN OF EVERY AGE. It has come to my attention that you are bored with your current wrestling product. That is redundant, tiresome and well… OUT OF DATE. And that is fine, I agree. D.W.A. is an old-fashioned wrestling federation with old-fashioned wrestlers. MBSEL is up-to-date and we will be sure to follow every trend possible to sink the viewers in.”

One of the wrestlers who accompanied Dallas Darke rips the microphone away from him and he begins to speak.

WRESTLER A: “When am I getting paid?”

DALLAS DARKE: “Ahhh… Matty Matterson… I knew that you’d be asking that.”

MATTY MATTERSON: “Well, come on. I need the money to pay my ex-wife for child support.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Just sit back, relax and wait for things to pick up.”

Another wrestler steps forth and rips the microphone away from Dallas Darke and he begins to speak as well.

WRESTLER B: “I want a World Title shot!”

DALLAS DARKE: “We don’t have a World Title. We have a Dallas Darke Appreciation Title, though.”

WRESTLER B: “Whatever… I want a shot at it.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Okay, okay, okay. This will all be dealt with next Wednesday Wank-Fest, but right now we are promoting the show, okay Flint!”

FLINT: “Dallas, you’ve been putting things off for weeks now. And to be quite frank, us boys are a little mad.”

THE BLACK GUY: “Speak for yourself, Flint, I’ve had enough of your cracka ass-mouth flapping about being paid, about Dallas Darke pushing things back. Dallas Darke has worked hard to hire you tool’s, and to be quite honest, none of you are thanking the man properly.”

FLINT: “What the fuck did you say?”

THE BLACK GUY: “I said you ain’t thankin’ Dallas properly. And Matty Matterson, if anyone is getting a Dallas Darke Appreciation Title shot, it is me. I’ve got more victories in real promotions than any of you guys combined.”

CHRIS FLARE: “Alright, both of you two. Shut the hell up. Dallas Darke is dealing with enough stress and you guys aren’t helping… besides if anyone is rewarded that Dallas Darke Appreciation Title, it’ll be me!”

The group argue and eventually just head to the back with their arguing leaving Dallas Darke in the middle of the ring dumb-founded by the behavior of his roster.

DALLAS DARKE: “So yeah… tune in next week for the return of Wednesday Night Wank-Fest.”

Dallas Darke follows his employees to the back as they bicker over who will be the first Dallas Darke Appreciation Champion and with the way things are turning out, there might not even be a show on Wednesday.

TEAM GENERIC & ELEINFANT KILLER /w MARY SMITH versus THE ZOMBIES & TRIPLE L {2401-LEG}

Despite the fact that Mary Smith was almost given away to a ravaging baby-killer, she stands beside her brother as they walk down the aisle. Mike Smith receives a fair bit of heat, and so does Eleinfant Killer. The fans could care less about Gene Smith who just simply walks to the ring. Patrick Zombie and Ted The Zombie make their way to the ring with Triple L {2401-LEG} and they watch on as their opponents have trouble deciding who is going to start the match off.

Eventually a decision is made, and we see that it’ll be Mike Smith against Triple L. The two lock up and Mike Smith goes for a double leg take down… but he fails because Triple L is missing a leg. Triple L chops Mike Smith in the chest a few times putting him into the corner. Triple L tosses him towards the other corner and chases after him. Mike Smith moves out of the way and Triple L hits nothing but the turn buckle. Mike Smith climbs to the second and goes for a leg drop, but Triple L moves out of the way at the last second.

Triple L makes the tag to Ted the Zombie who enters the ring and he body slams Mike Smith. Ted The Zombies bounces off the ropes and drops his leg across the wind pipe of Mike Smith. Ted the Zombie goes for a second leg-drop, but this time Mike Smith sees it coming and he rolls out of the way and Ted hits nothing but mat.

Mike Smith tags into Gene Smith and Gene Smith looks ready to beat the hell out of Ted The Zombie. But Ted The Zombie thumbs him in the eye and this stalls him. Eleinfant Killer and Mike Smith jump off the apron and they grab Mary Smith by the wrist and drag her up the ramp, abandoning Gene Smith in the ring. The camera follows them as they head out to the parking lot and leave in a car. Mary Smith has been kidnapped… AGAIN!

Gene Smith manages to dodge a drop kick and Gene Smith looks to the make the tag to his brother, but his brother is no where to be found. Gene Smith turns around and he goes for a clothes line on Ted The Zombie, and he ducks it. Gene Smith swings around and he is ready to attack Ted The Zombie, but Patrick Zombie sets him up for a Bulldog. The Zombie’s hit their bulldog, pile-driver fushion called the Graveyard Plant and Triple L climbs to the top rope and hits a one-legged moonsault for the victory.

WINNER: THE ZOMBIES & TRIPLE L {2401-LEG}

The Duck is the first to come to the ring and he is wearing a tuxedo. The fans aren’t quite sure how to react to his inclusion in the ring, but they simply clap. George Bush, the new partial owner of D.W.A., comes to the ring to a huge pop. George Bush doesn’t acknowledge the fans reaction and gets in the ring. Caleb Darke makes his way out to the ring wearing his nice business suit and he grabs a microphone first.

CALEB DARKE: “Watching the monitor in the back last night, I have to admit, I was SHOCKED. Holy shit, was that a swerve. Not only is The Duck a girl, and the mother of Lobster… but he hit the President of the United States of America in the head with a sledgehammer and gave his percentage of the company to our greatest nemesis… George Bush.”

THE DUCK: “QUACK, quack quack, quack!”

CALEB DARKE: “Hey, I never asked you to explain your actions. Quite the contrary, I understand. I understand as 33.333% owner of this company, some gruesome decisions have to be made.”

GEORGE BUSH: “Caleb… Caleb… Caleb.”

CALEB DARKE: “Yes, FORMER President Bush.”

GEORGE BUSH: “We know the truth. We heard the phone-call.”

CALEB DARKE: “What phone-call? I didn’t have any phone-call…”

THE DUCK: “QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!”

GEORGE BUSH: “Calm down Duck, calm it. I know what has to be said and I’ll do the talking. Last night you phoned John Kerry about how you didn’t condone the Duck’s actions. You talked about how you didn’t support the new ADMINISTRATION. Meaning, me.”

CALEB DARKE: “You know how business works, George. You’ve got to cheat, steal and lie.”

GEORGE BUSH: “You don’t do that to your partners, Caleb. But I guess it is acceptable. I guess it is. Because me and The Duck had already plotted to dismantle you… piece by piece.”

CALEB DARKE: “What do you mean dismantle me? Hell, I’m behind you 100%… in whatever endeavors you have.”

GEORGE BUSH: “You see… Caleb, you are too big of a liability. The Duck realized that you were in the back pocket of John Kerry the entire time, and whatever he wanted to do… you would do. So it came the Duck’s realization that perhaps it was best to take that majority out of the picture. Don’t you think it was weird that John Kerry would even accept the challenge to begin with. Such a ridiculous ideas to put your portion of a company on the line a wrestling match. The Duck told him to… The Duck said he’d make sure that John Kerry won. Well, John Kerry didn’t win and he is indeed the President of The United States of America. But for how long?”

CALEB DARKE: “4 years.”

GEORGE BUSH: “Well, not under the new plan. The Duck didn’t really agree with John Kerry… at all. You see, he doesn’t want to kill America, in fact quite the opposite. He wants it to take over the world. But he wants to make sure that he has a strange-hold over the company.”

CALEB DARKE: “He has that strange-hold now with you… you son of a bitch.”

GEORGE BUSH: “Caleb, you are ineffective… you are useless. Anything we want, we get with this majority. So we’ve decided that we would like to extend a deal for you.”

CALEB DARKE: “A … deal?”

GEORGE BUSH: “Yes. We want to buy your portion of this company out from you. How does… 4 billion dollars sound?”

CALEB DARKE: “4 BILLION DOLLARS? Holy shit, let me sign on the dotted line.”

GEORGE BUSH: “In that case, here.”

From the ceiling emerges a table and chairs with a contract sitting in the middle of the table. When it falls to the ring, Caleb Darke scrambles for a pen and a piece of paper and he scribbles his name down on a piece of paper.

CALEB DARKE: “Holy shit! I’ve got 4 BILLION DOLLARS. I’m buying my own fucking island.”

GEORGE BUSH: “It was good doing business with you and all, but please get the hell out of my ring.”

Caleb Darke nods and he slides out of the ring and rushes to the back cheering and bragging to the fans. Caleb Darke has officially been bought out of D.W.A. and now it seems as though there are only two owners now.

GEORGE BUSH: “Onto greater business. The company… the company… the company. The Duck, you are quite … what word do I want to use? Intelligent. You realized that business run America. It just so happens that in due time, when we D.W.A. manage to trample The United States Government, we will have control over the entire government.”

THE DUCK: “Quack.”

GEORGE BUSH: “What?!?”

The Duck pulls a revolver from his jacket (because all Duck’s wear jackets) and he shots George Bush right in the chest. George Bush falls over and he begins to gasp for air.

GEORGE BUSH: “You son of a bitch… you set me up… you…”

THE DUCK: “QUACK, QUACK, QUACK QUACK QUACK!”

GEORGE BUSH: “You… you… power hungry bastard… you own 100% of the company… now… ahhchhhhkkkk!”

George Bush falls to the mat for the last time as the blood leaks out of him. The Duck wears a smile so evil, the one smile that he always has. The Duck waddles from the center of the ring all the way to the back. Dear lord… D.W.A. has become a DUCKTATORSHIP!

And to add to that, the night ain’t over yet.

THE D.W.A. MILKY-WAY TITLE TOURNAMENT

THE MAN versus THE PINEAPPLE KID

The Pineapple Kid comes to the ring accompanied by his “friend” Julian Snakes, and they look ready for a fight. Some 80’s hair rock kicks up over the speakers and a man wearing a shirt that is saying “I LIKE MY CHICKS HOT AND MY BEERS COLD” waltzes down the aisle and into the ring. The Man looks up and down the flamboyant Pineapple Kid and than slaps him across the face.

The Pineapple Kid doesn’t take too kindly to the slap as he slaps The Man back… only he slaps his butt! The Man grabs Pineapple Kid by the throat and threatens to knock his lights out. The Pineapple Kid kisses him on the lips, further infuriating The Man.

Pineapple Kid and The Man eventually lock up in the dead center of the ring, and The Man manages to gain the upper hand. The Man sends Pineapple Kid into the ropes and catches him with a shoulder tackle. The Man gets Pineapple Kid up to his feet and he throws a few forearms into the skull of Pineapple Kid. The Man eventually snap mares him down the mat and locks him in a front chin lock. Pineapple Kid refuses to tap and eventually manages to break free from the hold.

Pineapple Kid hits a picture perfect roundhouse kick to The Man’s forehead. The Man falls to the mat and Pineapple Kid ascends the top turnbuckle and hits a frog splash. The referee covers, but only a two count. Pineapple Kid gets The Man to his feet and he Irish whips him into the ropes. Pineapple Kid catches the Man on the rebound with a huge northern lights pinning suplex, but the Man kicks out at the two count.

Pineapple Kid and The Man have both flexed a few of their wrestling moves now and they are mouthing off to each other. The Man grabs the Pineapple Kid and he lifts him above his head in a gorilla press. The Man drops Pineapple Kid in front of him and as the Pineapple Kid falls beneath him, The Man kicks him right in the ribs. The Man waits for Pineapple Kid to struggle to his feet and he knees Pineapple Kid in the ribs.

As the Pineapple Kid struggles to his feet, The Man spits right in face. Pineapple Kid strikes back with a kick right to the groin! Oh deary me, the referee even felt that kick right to the nuts. Pineapple Kid sets The Man up for a suplex, but instead hits a snap fisherman suplex and he covers for the three count. Pineapple Kid rolls to the outside and he and Julian Snakes celebrate his advancement in the tournament. The Man is angry with his loss as he heads to the back with nothing.

WINNER: PINEAPPLE KID

The camera focuses in on the a party like none other in a mansion that is huge. There is indeed, a lot of celebrities there and we get a good view of each and every last one of them, everyone from Tom Green to Pauly Shore is there and they are having a wicked time.

TOM GREEN: “Who wants to see me swallow a mouse’s feces?”

In the shadows, we see that indeed The Forces Of Good has arrived and they are hiding out from the other celebrities. Lobster we can visibly see has lost one of his clamps. 101010101010101010 is scuffed up and has a few dents in him. Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter isn’t wearing any make-up. And Eiwehc has some blood mashed in with his excess hair.

DICK CHENEY’S LESBIAN DAUGHTER: “Lobster are you… sure?”

Lobster nods instead of replying with words. The camera begins to focus in on something in the far distance… it is indeed Hand Solo locked in box full of spaghetti and standing beside him is the diabolical Jennifer Lopez. Her B-Star Actors and Actresses, all of them looking eager to slaughter the first person they see surround Jennifer Lopez.

JENNIFER LOPEZ: “Welcome one… welcome all. We have all come here for one reason… to eat this fine specimen here in a huge publicity stunt. Think of it… the tabloids would eat it up… Lopez is a CANNIBAL. Just in time for my NEW CD.”

Lobster and his walk forward, hiding behind a crate full of unpurchased Jury Duty movies. Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter has a pistol in hand, ready to shoot the crazy son of a bitch known as Jennifer Lopez. Lobster has eventually had enough, he kicks over a few of the crates. The camera catches the opposing side where the crates eventually fall on Michael Moore and kill him.

LOBSTER: “Eat shit, mother fuckers.”

Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter fires into the air hitting a few of the celebrities, including Andy Dick, Bill Clinton and Fred Durst. Lobster approaches Marc Anthony, the husband of Jennifer Lopez and cuts him in half. Eventually the room is motionless and silent.

JENNIFER LOPEZ: “It was quite the try… but you HAVE FAILED.”

Jennifer Lopez pulls out a machine gun and begins to fire like a maniac. The Forces of Good hit the floor, avoiding the gun-fire. Lobster eventually digs into his pocket and emerges with a hand grenade. Lobster pulls the pin and throws the grenade, landing just inches away from Jennifer Lopez… KABOOM!

LOBSTER: “Good job Forces of Good.”

The Forces Of Good stand up as the camera focuses in on a bloodied and mangled Jennifer Lopez still clinging to the gun.

JENNIFER LOPEZ: “MUSICIAN-ACTRESSES NEVER DIE!”

Jennifer Lopez fires wildly at the Forces Of Good who all hit the ground. Except Lobster, who dodges the bullets.

LOBSTER: “TELL THAT TO ASHANTI, BITCH!”

Lobster storms towards Jennifer Lopez, dodging the bullets and eventually cuts her in half! Jennifer Lopez falls to the cold grated floor below, her insides leaking down, her fake boobs still as large as ever. Lobster moves forth and hits a button, causing the spaghetti to disappear in the tank, and Hand Solo is fine.

HAND SOLO: “Holy shit, dawg, you sliced that bitch in TWO! That was legit.”

LOBSTER: “Yes, that earned me some serious street cred. Any ways, next week MBSEL makes its return.”

HAND SOLO: “Return? What do you mean?”

LOBSTER: “Oh, right. You missed a whole couple of months. Any ways, yes, The Duck aligned with the President of the United States of America, John Kerry, to over-take MBSEL with a federation called D.W.A, Duck Wrestling Alliance… and well, we can catch up on this later. Lets bust out of this joint!”

The Forces Of Good rush away from the scene of the crime, leaving several dead bodies notably Jennifer Lopez who is in two halves at this point. The camera pans to the ring where Stephen The Disgruntled and Racist Shark walks down the aisle and into the ring. The fans are on both sides of the fence here… cheering him because he killed two assholes and booing him because he killed two assholes. Stephen The Disgruntled and Racist Shark flips off a few of the fans and than grabs a microphone.

STEPHEN THE DISGRUNTLED AND RACIST SHARK: “SO FAR I HAVE NOT BEEN OFFERED A SINGLE DEAL FROM EITHER MBSEL OR D.W.A. AND TO THIS I SAY, WHY NOT? I AM A GOOD WRESTLER. I MURDERED TWO DICK HEADS. THE FANS CLEARLY WANT TO SEE ME WRESTLE.”

Dallas Darke is the first representative to come down the aisle and into the ring. Dallas Darke grabs a microphone and he smiles awkwardly for a few of the fans.

DALLAS DARKE: “See, I’d offer you a contract… but your demands are so high. 1 trillion dollars is a lot of money. And quite frankly… how do I know you are worth it?”

STEPHEN THE DISGRUNTLED AND RACIST SHARK: “You are a pussy, I banged your mom in a car three years ago. She was loose.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Regardless of that, it doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t worth one trillion dollars.”

STEPHEN THE DISGRUNTLED AND RACIST SHARK: “Yes it does, you like to get your fudged packed. I saw you down at the public washrooms at Grace Park, begging to take it like a horny bear!”

DALLAS DARKE: “Okay douche, okay put down the microphone and SHUT THE FUCK UP. My name is Dallas Darke, I own a company by the name of MBSEL. I employee tons of quality wrestlers to step in between the ropes and wrestle. And fans seem to like that chance, and well, if you want it you can have it. But I am in no way offering you ONE trillion dollars.”

The Duck makes his way down the aisle with a huge check in his hands… and according to the check it is for ONE TRILLION dollars. Dallas Darke laughs at the entire scene as The Duck gets in the ring.

DALLAS DARKE: “Wait, wait, Duck, you are willingly to pay this Disgruntled Shark ONE trillion dollars to appear on your wrestling show. Have you lost your mind?”

THE DUCK: “QUACK!”

STEPHEN THE DISGRUNTLED AND RACIST SHARK: “HE FUCKED YOUR TWAT.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Okay, Duck, I can understand taking talent away from the competition. Just a few months ago you robbed me of my biggest and baddest names in the business. But here you are signing off insane contracts.”

THE DUCK: “QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!”

STEPHEN THE DISGRUNTLED AND RACIST SHARK: “Do I accept the deal? OF COURSE! Where do I sign?”

DALLAS DARKE: “Wait, if he is offering you ONE TRILLION dollars, I’ll offer you ONE AND A HALF TRILLION DOLLARS.”

STEPHEN THE DISGRUNTLED AND RACIST SHARK: “WHERE DO I SIGN YOU MONKEY CUM SWALLOWING BASTARD.”

THE DUCK: “QUACK quack QUACK QUACK!”

STEPHEN THE DISGRUNTLED AND RACIST SHARK: “ONE AND THREE FOURTHS TRILLION DOLLARS? WHERE DO I SIGN?”

DALLAS DARKE: “I’ll offer you INFINITE DOLLARS.”

THE DUCK: “QUACK, QUACK QUACK QUACK! Quack!”

STEPHEN THE DISGRUNTLED AND RACIST SHARK: “OH DEARY ME, SEE WHAT I HAVE CAUSED. THIS IS QUITE THE DEBACLE, BUT I AM AFRAID I AM SIGNING WITH DUCK. HE MADE A GOOD POINT, YOU DO EMPLOYEE ONE NIGGER AND I HATE THEM. THEY ARE LAZY, UNMOTIVATED AND HOLD DIFFERENT CUSTOMS THAN ME. SO I WILL BE A MEMBER OF D.W.A.”

Stephen the Disgruntled and Racist Shark signs the contract that the Duck puts forth. As he signs the contract, he shakes the hand of the Duck and apparently the bidding war is over. Dallas Darke leaves the ring as yet another question is answered in D.W.A. as Stephen signed with D.W.A. The camera fades to black as yet another chapter of D.W.A. and MBSEL has been created.

HUGE NEWS FLASH

Next week's show will feature a huge celebrity. Who will it be and why are they showing up? Tune into FIND OUT.

Edited December 13, 2004 by PunkRockPete

[The Quasi Juice]

Although this a fun and cool diary why is it pinned?

[Besmirched Tea]

Although this a fun and cool diary why is it pinned?

←

[RPS]

I never asked to be pinned, I just know that Javert liked it and decided to pin it. I could care less if it is pinned or not, because quite frankly, I do this for fun. Being noticed for having fun is great though.

[RPS]

D.W.A DUCK YOU

The entrance video is very much different this week. People like John Kerry, George Bush, the Mango Kid and Caleb Darke are excluded from the video. In there place are people like the Pineapple Kid, Stephen The Disgruntled and Racist Shark, and the Man who we are led to believe is the next big thing in D.W.A.

A drum-roll plays as the “huge” celebrity is supposed to debut. But wait… Johnny Colorado interrupts as he comes down the aisle and into the ring with a microphone. Johnny Colorado gets in the ring and shoves away the ring announcer who was supposed to announce the huge celebrity showing up. Johnny Colorado has a microphone in hand and he also has a look of disgust across his face.

JOHNNY COLORADO: “SEE! Once again, I have been proven right. You all are waiting for this big huge celebrity. NEWSFLASH, this is wrestling. We invest in wrestlers. We don’t go out and hire some talentless actor, because we know talent when we see it.”

Johnny Colorado is about to continue, but his microphone has been cut-off. Down the aisle walks a woman of great stature and strength… former WWE Women’s Champion CHYNA. Chyna slides in the ring and grabs the microphone, getting right in the face of Johnny Colorado.

CHYNA: “Talent… eh? You said that this celebrity don’t have talent? Well, surprise, I am the celebrity here to hype my NEW sex video with my lover-boy, X-Pac, the 1-2-3 KID, SYXX! I am a former Intercontinental and Womens Champion, what the hell have you done?”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Hold on, that was in the Bush League. Here in the big leagues, where the real MEN play, we have real titles. And I’ll have you know I am a multiple champion, I’ve got lots of gold, just … not at this second.”

CHYNA: “Alright, well, have you starred in your own sex-tape?”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Wait, starred in my own SEX-tape? I’ve been given thousand upon thousands of offers from thousands of ladies. But unfortunately I am married and have kids. I cannot do such a thing to my family.”

CHYNA: “Johnny, Johnny, get the hell out of my ring. You aren’t even the slightest bit successful as I am.”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Wait… hold on you glorified transsexual porn-star. In no way are you more successful than me! You stupid arogant cunt… I’ve had enough! Enough of this bull-shit, get the hell out of my ring OR else. ”

Johnny Colorado has Chyna backed up into a small corner, when down the ramp runs X-Pac. X-Pac low blows Johnny Colorado which causes him to fall to his knees. X-Pac goes for the X-Factor, but Johnny Colorado avoids it and he throws a few punches at X-Pac! Johnny Colorado knees him in the gut and celebrates his dominance. Johnny Colorado goes to Irish Whip X-Pac into the corner, but he reverses it. As soon as Colorado hits the turn buckle, X-Pac kicks him in the face a few times and Colorado falls down on his butt. X-Pac sets up for the Bronco Buster and he hits it! X-Pac is bouncing up and down with his crotch right in the face of Johnny Colorado.

X-Pac has released the hold by now and he signals for the X-Factor. But Johnny Colorado hits the Spine buster out of no where and he rolls to the outside avoiding a hurting. Chyna and X-Pac invite him back into the ring, but Johnny Colorado refuses to get into the ring.

CHYNA: “Hey, pussy, I’ll fight you RIGHT here in the main-event if you have ANY guts whatsoever.”

Johnny Colorado yells back to the ring he accepts the challenge. Colorado flips them off as he goes through the curtain. The wrestlers/couple/porn-stars head to the back, slapping the fans hands and kissing each other.

D.W.A. SATANISM TITLE MATCH

HAROLD AGNES versus LITTLE CHAOS

Before the match, the tape rolls and shows how Little Chaos won this title in a match against Ronald Feature, the triple champion. Little Chaos is the first to make his way down the aisle, waving to the younger fans and blowing the women kisses. Little Chaos gets in the ring and he looks ready to wrestle against the aging history teacher.

Harold Agnes theme music blares across the speakers and he comes out with a towel draped over his head, ala Rocky. But wait, Harold Agnes is in the ring behind Little Chaos now! The man rips off the towel and it is History Reenactor, and Little Chaos is irate and confused. Harold Agnes rolls up Little Chaos and gets the one, two, KICKOUT. Little Chaos is up to his feet now and he realizes he was duped. Little Chaos throws three left hands at Harold Agnes which have him backed against the ropes. Little Chaos takes him to the outside with a clothes line.

History Reenactor tries to help Harold Agnes back into the ring, but Little Chaos has ascended to the top rope and he hits a cross body block to the outside. Little Chaos gives a thumbs up to the fans and he gets back in the ring. Harold Agnes is visibly tired and out of breath as he barely rolls back in the ring. Little Chaos covers but only a two count.

Little Chaos gets Harold Agnes to his feet and he irish whips him against the ropes and the little man manages to pull off a back body drop on the old man. Little Chaos waits for Agnes to get up to his feet so he can drop kick him. Little Chaos connects with a perfect drop kick right on the chin of Harold Agnes. Little Chaos covers, but only a two count. Little Chaos applies a chin lock and Harold Agnes reaches for the ropes. Little Chaos applies it tighter than before and it seems as though he is on his way to victory.

Harold Agnes ain’t going to let the match go down like that as he stages a come back. He manages to get to his feet, Little Chaos still has the hold in place and Harold Agnes drives his elbow into Little Chaos ribs. Harold Agnes hits a back body drop and both men are down! Little Chaos is first to his feet, showing that old men shouldn’t wrestle.

As both men are up to their feet, Little Chaos kicks Harold Agnes in the gut and than goes for a back slide, but Harold Agnes manages to squirm out of the hold and he applies a sleeper hold on Little Chaos. Little Chaos manages to break the hold, as he falls back into the corner crushing Harold Agnes. Little Chaos swings around and he grabs Harold Agnes by the head and hits a tornado DDT. Little Chaos covers for the two count as Harold Agnes gets his shoulder up at the last second.

Harold Agnes and Little Chaos are both up to their feet and Little Chaos Irish whips Harold into the corner. He goes for another tornado DDT, but Harold Agnes manages to reverse it in mid-move, tossing Little Chaos off his head. Little Chaos lands on his feet and he rushes at Harold. Harold hits a perfect drop toe hold and Little Chaos hits the bottom turn buckle. Harold Agnes signals for yet another submission hold, but Little Chaos hits a poke to the eye which makes Harold Agnes temporarily blind.

Little Chaos looks to roll Harold into a small package, but Harold manages to use his weight to fall back down on Little Chaos. The referee makes the two count, but Little Chaos barely kicks out. Harold Agnes gets to his feet and he goes for the small package, and Little Chaos walks right into it. Harold Agnes gets the two count and Little Chaos gets up to his feet and he goes for a small package. Harold Agnes cannot reverse it this time and Little Chaos gets the two count, as Harold kicks out.

History Reenactor tries to interfere in the match, but Little Chaos manages to knock him off the apron and to the floor below. This gives Harold Agnes the perfect opporutunity to kick Little Chaos in the gut and hit the double arm DDT. Harold Agnes drapes his arm over Little Chaos and gets the three count! Harold Agnes has won the match here almost fair and square. Harold Agnes grabs the D.W.A. Satanism Title and he heads to the back…

But wait, Big Chaos is chasing him back down to the ring. Big Chaos claims that Harold Agnes and History Reenactor screwed his little brother out of the title that is rightfully his. History Reenactor tries to stall the big man, but he simply gets choke slammed. Harold Agnes slides out of the ring and he heads to the back through the fans, running very slowly and holding onto his title for dear life. Big Chaos chases after him as the segment ends.

WINNER: HAROLD AGNES to WIN THE D.W.A. SATANISM TITLE

Maria the Update Woman is in the back holding a huge microphone, and she is getting her make-up done. When Maria notices the camera is on, she shoves her camera man out of the picture and she starts the segment.

MARIA THE UPDATE WOMAN: “Turmoil, angst and incest. Those are just a sample of words you could use to describe the Smith family. But today, we have a very special guest on this episode of… Maria’s Report!”

A very slick and cool logo displaying the word MARIA’S REPORT display across the screen. Maria waits impatiently until the logo disappears.

MARIA THE UPDATE WOMAN: “And this week on Maria’s Report, we aren’t going to be talking to the Smith household. Quite the contrary, we will be talking to the dual champion, the man we all love to hate… Ronald Feature.”

A very fake applause kicks in and Ronald Feature walks in the picture wearing a leather jacket, sun glasses and his two titles. Ronald Feature has a microphone in his hands now and he smiles at the young and attractive Maria.

MARIA THE UPDATE WOMAN: “Hello Ronald, how are you?”

RONALD FEATURE: “You know, I am not sure right know. Watching the monitor, I just watched the title that rightfully belongs to the TRIPLE CHAMPION, RONALD FEATURE be passed along to some aging man. A man who shouldn’t even be in the ring. But you know what… soon enough that title will be mine. I am willingly to wait.”

MARIA THE UPDATE WOMAN: “Enough about your Satanism Title, we want to know the dirt about the Smith household. In the time you have spent as friend to Mike and Gene, lover of Mary, and nemesis of Mike, what are some of the weirder things you have seen.”

RONALD FEATURE: “You know, Mary and Gene are two close friends of mine. I have tried to spend every waking second of my life enjoying it with them. They are normal people, with normal lives. Gene plays the bag-pipes in a Scottish band who plays, you know weddings and funerals. Wrestling can’t play all the bills. And Mary, she has eighteen rats. She loves them to death and it is a very normal love. She baths them all when she baths every morning. So you know, normal stuff. It is just that punk… Mike…”

MARIA THE UPDATE WOMAN: “You two have quite the interesting history. Over the past month, we’ve seen you two clash on a few occasions. What are the chances that you will do so in a one on one match, fair and square in the ring?”

RONALD FEATURE: “You know, I’d love to wrestle Mike Smith in a one on one match. The guy, he thinks he is so god-damn tough. Well, lets ask some questions. IS HE A TRIPLE CHAMP? No. Neither am I, but I once was. And I’ve got two titles here, and one of them was his.”

Mike Smith busts into the room with a chair and he swings it wildly at Ronald Feature. There is wild screaming and motion within the room and we see that Ronald Feature has managed to escape the wrath of his ex-nemesis.

MIKE SMITH: “Slut, what is your name?”

MARIA THE UPDATE WOMAN: “Maria The Update Woman!”

MIKE SMITH: “Leave this message with Ronald Feature… you want to talk shit about me? Huh? Well, at the next D.W.A. PPV, “Your Mom Has A Loose Vagina” I’ll square off in a tag-team match. You and my brother versus me and Eleinfant Killer, for the title you ROBBED from me. Oh and, also send this along.”

Mike Smith slaps Maria The Update Woman across the face and he heads towards the ring. Maria The Update Woman is almost in tears as she stumbles to her feet. Mike Smith may have messed with the wrong gal, tonight.

D.W.A. MILKY-WAY TITLE TOURNAMENT

NANCY CATALOGUE versus GENE SMITH

Nancy Catalogue is the first wrestler to come through the curtains and it is wearing a hot pink dress, and high heels. Catalogue struts it’s stuff down the aisle and slides in the ring, giving the camera a glimpse of it’s back side. Nancy Catalogue blows the fans a few kisses and Gene Smith has seen enough, as he rushes down the aisle to the fans delight.

Gene Smith slides in the ring and rushes at Nancy Catalogue only to get back body dropped by the transsexual. Nancy Catalogue irish whips Gene Smith into the ropes and connects with a second back body drop. The transsexual covers, but Smith kicks out after two. Gene Smith struggles to his feet and Nancy knees him in the gut three times. Nancy Catalogue proceeds to hit a pump-handle power bomb in the middle of the ring. Catalogue covers and Gene Smith barely kicks out.

Nancy Catalogue proceeds to level the back of Gene Smith with boot after boot after boot. Nancy Catalogue eventually gets out on the apron and signals to the crowd for a high flying move. Nancy Catalogue goes for a spring board leg drop to the back of Gene’s back, but Gene moves out of the way at the last second. Gene Smith struggles to his feet and he has a smile on his face at the fact that he managed to dodge perhaps a fatal blow in the match.

Gene Smith helps Nancy Catalogue to it’s feet and he Irish whips her into the ropes. Gene Smith goes for a back body drop, but Nancy Catalogue kicks him right in the shoulder. Gene Smith screams out in pain and he stands up straight, and as he does so, the transsexual drop kicks him right in the chin. Gene Smith falls to the mat and Nancy Catalogue decides to go for yet another spring board move. Nancy Catalogue decides it is going to be a spring board shooting star press, which if done improperly can result in a broken neck.

But wait, from the crowd, a man wearing a hood appears. As Nancy Catalogue jumps on the top rope, this man shakes the ropes and Nancy Catalogue falls flat on it’s face. Nancy Catalogue is immediately up to it’s face and Catalogue gets in the face of the hooded figure. The hooded figure talks trash to Nancy Catalogue, giving Gene Smith enough time to sneak up and to hit a roll-up. Gene Smith gets the 1-2-3 from the referee and Gene Smith raises his hands in the air.

The hooded man takes down his hood and he has long brown hair in a pony tail. It is a man about 5’10”, 210 pounds. The hooded man waits for Nancy Catalogue to get to it’s feet and the hooded figure hits a running STO. The man gets to his feet and as soon as his eyes connect with Gene Smith’s, he spits in the face of Gene Smith and slaps him. Gene Smith is shocked and surprised at the behavior of the young man, as he tries to hug the man. The man shoves Gene Smith, than rushes at him and drops him with the running STO. The man heads to the back through the crowd.

WINNER: GENE SMITH

Voice Of The Voiceless blares across the stereo system and out walks Dallas Darke and Chris Flare. Dallas Darke is wearing a nice old suit and tie, and Chris Flare is wearing a torn white shirt and jeans. The two men walk down the aisle and get into the ring. Dallas Darke seems jubilant in his mannerisms, odd for what he usually acts like.

DALLAS DARKE: “Wednesday Night, that being the day after today, is going to be huge. Why do you ask? Because it is the return of Wank-Fest, brought to you by MBSEL. And I know what each and every one of you fans is thinking --- how lucky are we to have an alternative to the boring product we are stuck with right know. And we offer so much more than wannabe porn stars and rappers. We make things much more interesting, because we actually have more than 4 wrestling matches a night.”

CHRIS FLARE: “Shout-out to all my peeps in Brooklyn! Alright, now that I got that out of the way, I just wanted to come on national television and trash D.W.A. Any company that give Chyna air-time is going down the tubes. Secondly, lets me just say that D.W.A. is stock full of talent. Everyone ranging from Adam Goldberg, to myself to the Black Guy. Lots and lots of talent.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Yeah, so just a little advertisement for all of the fans in the building, tune in tomorrow.”

Christ Love make their way down the aisle and into the ring with microphones. Carlos Catholic and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group look up and down the two men in the ring. The two Christians stare down Chris Flare and Dallas Darke.

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Last week, I descended down from the heavens 5 days after being crucified. Doesn’t that state something about God and Christianity? The fact I am the messiah of wrestling.”

DALLAS DARKE: “I really have no beef with anyone wanting to believe in whatever they believe. Whether that be Jesus, Buddhism, Brahma… whatever. But seriously, you two are borderline fundamentalist here. See, this is the main problem with D.W.A. Nobody is running the show, the inmates are running the show.”

LEAD SINGER OF A CHRISTIAN ROCK GROUP:“Shut the hedge up!”

DALLAS DARKE: “Hedge? Don’t you mean hell?”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “That is a swear word, an evil word. Dallas Darke, God and Jesus don’t look to kindly onto your shoulders. You hired two Jews in your federation and let them run rampant.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Well that’s too bad for God and Jesus. Because quite frankly… fuck God and Jesus.”

Saying that too two Catholic could only lead to a wrestling match here in D.W.A.

NO DQ TAG-MATCH

CHRIST LOVE versus DALLAS DARKE & CHRIS FLARE

Carlos Catholic slaps Dallas Darke with great force. Dallas Darke slaps him back, and the two get in a mini slap fight. Chris Flare slaps Carlos Catholic. Carlos slaps Chris Flare. Lead Singer slaps Chris Flare. Chris Flare slaps Carlos Catholic. Carlos Catholic slaps Dallas Darke. Dallas Darke slaps Lead Singer. Dallas Darke gets fed up with this and he just knocks Carlos Catholic down with a stiff upper hand. Dallas Darke helps Carlos Catholic to his feet only to chop him down to the mat once again.

Chris Flare clothes lines Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group to the floor. Chris Flare gets onto the apron and he hits a diving hurricrana! Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group is sent reeling to the padded floor, and he tries to cover up as he lands. Chris Flare kicks him in the back a few times. Meanwhile, in the ring, Dallas Darke hits a nice front drop kick to Carlos Catholic. Carlos Catholic falls into the corner. Dallas Darke places him on the top rope and Dallas Darke decides to hit a top rope maneuver.

On the outside, Chris Flare whips Lead Singer right into the steel railing. He hits with such great force and Chris Flare has a face of delight after the move. On the top rope, Dallas Darke hits a fantastic fisherman suplex right off the top rope with the pin. One-two-, kick out. Carlos Catholic raises his elbow in the nick of time and he should be thanking Jesus for that one.

Chris Flare reveals the cement floor as he moves the padded floor. Chris Flare sets Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group up for a suplex, but Lead Singer hits a perfect low blow. Chris Flare falls to the ground and Lead Singer has a great idea. He climbs onto the apron and tries to play mimic to Chris Flare. He wants to hit a diving hurricrana… onto the cement. He sets up for it and starts the move. But Chris Flare gains wind of the move and he simply reverses the hurricrana into a power bomb onto the cement. Holy shit!

In the ring now, Dallas Darke tosses Carlos Catholic into the ropes and Dallas Darke hits a nice spring board drop kick. Dallas Darke covers, but only a two count. Dallas Darke says it was more, but the referee refutes that claim. Dallas Darke picks up Carlos Catholic, but Carlos Catholic hits a poke to the eye. Carlos Catholic hits a few european upper cuts, and than a snap mare. Carlos Catholic goes to lock in a chin lock, but Chris Flare hits a face buster from behind. Chris Flare covers, but only for the two.

The camera focuses in on Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group who is busted open pretty bad after the power bomb onto the cement. He grabs for the camera, and he smears his blood all over the lense. Intense.

Dallas Darke is in the ring and he sends Carlos Catholic into the ropes and he kicks him in the gut, and twist of fate. Dallas Darke climbs the top rope and signals for a Swanton Bomb. But wait… Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group is on the apron now and approaching Dallas Darke. Dallas Darke changes his plans and he hits a diving neck breaker from the top rope all the way to the outside. The fans chant holy shit in unison over that last move.

Chris Flare is in the ring now and he decides to climb to the top rope. Chris Flare signals that he is going for a top rope splash, and as he flies in the air, Carlos Catholic moves out of the way. Chris Flare hits nothing but mat and Carlos Catholic rolls him up. 1-2-3… no, Chris Flare kicked out at the last second. Dallas Darke is up on the outside and he doesn’t look to be all there. Carlos Catholic climbs to the top rope and apparently he is going to hit a cross body block. But wait… Chris Flare stops him before he can jump.

Chris Flare and Carlos Catholic have a mini brawl on the top rope as to who will dominate who. Catholic seems to have the advantage at first, but Chris Flare makes a huge come back. Chris Flare sets up for a huge move now and he hits a DDT from the top rope right into the middle of the ring. Carlos Catholic should be dead, and Chris Flare looks to be really hurt after the move. Dallas Darke is in the ring now and he sets up for the Swanton bomb. Dallas Darke is going to have to jump really far to hit the Swanton Bomb. But wait, Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group shoves him off the top rope. Dallas Darke flies from the top rope right onto the steel rail on the outside. Dallas Darke could have broken his ribs right there.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group decides it is time to break out the chairs, as he slides one into the ring. But Chris Flare grabs a hold of the chair first. As Lead Singer gets to his feet, Chris Flare knocks him senseless with the chair. Chris Flare makes the cover and the referee makes the two count, but Carlos Catholic manages to hit Chris Flare with an elbow drop before it can be the three count. Carlos Catholic drags Chris Flare closer to the ropes and he decides he is going to hit a high risk move in the ring.

Carlos Catholic is almost to the top rope, but he gets distracted by Dallas Darke who yells his name several times. Chris Flare takes this chance to use the ropes as a spring board to hit an enzugri to Catholic on the top rope! Holy shit, once again these guys know how to innovate right here in the ring. Flare gets to his feet and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group throws him the chair. Flare catches it and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group kicks him in the nuts. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group hits Flare with a hurricrana, while Flare is holding the chair, making Flares head collide with the chair upon impact.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group tries to go for the cover, but Dallas Darke starts to go for a bull dog. But Dallas Darke utilizes the ropes to hit a spring board bull dog right in the middle of the ring. Dallas Darke pulls Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group closer to the ropes. Dallas Darke signals he is going for some sort of move. Dallas Darke climbs to the top rope and it appears to be his Swanton bomb. Dallas Darke hits the move and he is slow to cover. Carlos Catholic ascends the top turn buckle. Dallas Darke covers, and gets the one count. Carlos Catholic takes into the air and he flies. As the referee goes to cover two, Carlos Catholic almost misses the shooting star press, managing to hit Dallas Darke with his knee! The referee says the pin has been broken.

Carlos Catholic struggles to his feet, limping on the knee which hit Dallas Darke. Chris Flare hits a drop kick to the knee and he drags Carlos Catholic to the apron. Chris Flare gets on the apron and proceeds to drag Catholic onto the apron. Chris Flare picks Carlos Catholic up for a back body drop, but he also raises the feet of Carlos Catholic. Chris Flare jumps from the apron to the padded floor, driving Catholics knee right into the padded floor. Carlos Catholic shouts in pain as he realizes the brutality of the move.

In the ring now, Dallas Darke is really out of it as he is in the corner trying to gather a breather. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group rushes at Dallas Darke, charging towards him to hit some sort of clothes line. Dallas Darke manages to back body drop him over the top of the turn buckle. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group just manages to clear the steel steps and land on the padded floor. Dallas Darke is the last man standing in the ring and he raises his hands.

But what the hell… a very fat man rolls in the ring and he has a cross dangling from his next. Dallas Darke rushes at him, only to get super kicked. The fat man waits for Dallas Darke to get to his feet and he hits a huge belly to belly. The fat man picks Dallas Darke up and he whips him into the corner. The fat man proceeds to hit a huge avalanche splash in the corner. The fat man proceeds to pick Dallas Darke up into the air and drop him head first in a body slam pile driver move.

Chris Flare rolls into the ring and he receives the same body slam pile driver move. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group rolls in the ring and he drapes his arm over Dallas Darke. The referee makes the three count and Christ Love managed to win the match here of impromptu proportions. The fat man helps Christ Love to the back as the two heads of MBSEL struggle to the back in an embarassing showing for the company.

WINNER: CHRIST LOVE

IRAQ: PRESENT TIME

Bombs are exploding just meters away, bullets whizzing by their heads. The Mango Kid and his parents avoid every single shot; just by a few feet. The camera focuses in on a few other men who are avoiding the bullets, the camera sees about three of them.

SOLDIER A: “MANGO! WE ARE GOING TO DIE.”

THE MANGO KID: “SNAP OUT OF IT SOLDIER. YOU MAY DIE, BUT I AM LIVING!”

SOLDIER B: “HOW CAN WE FIGHT THESE TOWELHEADS… WE’VE GOT NOTHING?”

THE MANGO KID: “PRAY TO WHATEVER GOD YOU BELIEVE IN.”

The camera focuses in on some sort of shell that lands right beside them. The Mango Kid, his parents and the soldiers all gasp in horror at the prospect of blowing up. And just as we think the bomb will explode, the camera fades to black.

X-Pac is in the backstage area getting a drink of water, when all of the sudden the Double Champion Ronald Feature comes up to him. Ronald Feature is literally laughing in his face as he does so.

RONALD FEATURE: “Dude, you are… a joke. Seriously, a joke. I mean, people like me Ronald “Double Champ” Feature, I’ve got lots of bragging rights. I’ve got a girlfriend in Mary Smith who loves me. You’ve got a transsexual who… beats you.”

X-PAC: “SUCK IT!”

In walks the Pineapple Kid and Julian Snakes.

JULIAN SNAKES: “Did someone call?”

X-PAC: “NEW … WORLD… ORDER!”

RONALD FEATURE: “No… he said suck it. You know like D-X.”

X-PAC: “DEGENERATION X!!!!!!”

JULIAN SNAKES: “Oh, well, if you were looking for a BJ our locker room is #5. Threesomes totally rule.”

The Pineapple Kid and Julian Snake exit the dressing room.

RONALD FEATURE: “Any ways, X-Pac, seriously, are you going to sit here and just take abuse. Or are you going to beat the living hell out of Mike Smith who has been talking trash about you.”

X-PAC: “SUCK IT.”

RONALD FEATURE: “Its like talking to a wall or something. X-PAC! MIKE. SMITH. TALK. BAD. ABOUT. YOU.”

X-PAC: “YOUR ASS BETTER CALL SOMEBODY.”

RONALD FEATURE: “Hey… wait… that was a New Age Outlaw line.”

X-PAC: “SUCK IT!”

Ronald Feature gets fed up with dealing with X-Pac’s antics and just leaves him in the dressing room looking like a drowned rat and doing crotch chops.

ISLAND IN THE CARIBBEAN : PRESENT TIME

The camera focuses in on Caleb Darke who is very drunk and drinking a whole bottle of tequila. Caleb Darke takes a swig of the beer and he begins to laugh hysterically. Some foreign looking guy comes into the picture and he gets in the face of Caleb Darke.

FOREIGN LOOKING GUY: “You want Nachos?”

CALEB DARKE: “Of course. Give me anything you want.”

The foreign looking guy leaves and Caleb Darke giggles about the entire experience. Caleb Darke notices something on the desk in front of him. The camera focuses in on the letter and it is addressed to Caleb Darke, President of The Caleb Country. It is written from The Mango Kid.

CALEB DARKE: “Hey, its from a Mango! I love Mangoes. BRING ME MANGOES, ASAP.”

Caleb Darke reads further down the page and he becomes shocked and in his drunken state becomes very emotional about this.

CALEB DARKE: “There is a WAR IN IRAQ? For TWO YEARS? Wow, that is a lot of dead guys. And this Mango wants me to send support. I guess I can spare 200,000,000$. Get me my check book.”

The camera fades out as Caleb Darke begins to write out a check for 200,000,000$ to the Mango Kid whilst he is drunk. The Mango Kid must have sent the letter before he was blown up by the grenade. Perhaps this angle is going somewhere, or perhaps I just wanted to have an excuse for having Caleb Darke come back for one night only. Anyways, main event... and finally The Ace Title is debutted here on D.W.A. television.

THE ACE TITLE MATCH

CHYNA versus JOHNNY COLORADO

Johnny Colorado makes his way down the aisle and into the ring. Chyna come’s out next with her sexy porn star boy-toy, X-Pac. X-Pac does some crotch chops while Chyna looks very manly. As they try to get in the ring, Johnny Colorado hits a baseball slide on both of them.

X-Pac falls to the floor and Johnny Colorado takes the opportunity to pounce on this. Colorado drops knee after knee into his spine and he gets some mega heel heat. Chyna tries to stop him, but Colorado slaps her to the floor. As X-Pac gets up, Johnny Colorado spears him right into the steel railing, which breaks apart and X-Pac hits the cement floor. Johnny Colorado grabs Chyna by the hair and drags her to the ring.

Johnny Colorado slaps Chyna across the face and threatens to beat the shit out of her in the middle of the ring. Johnny Colorado picks Chyna up and tosses her into the ropes and hits a big boot. Chyna hits the mat and her transsexual face is busted open. Johnny Colorado slides to the outside and he retrieves a chair from the outside. Johnny Colorado slides in the ring, intent on using the chair.

Chyna gets to her feet and Colorado swings the chair and hits her across the back. Johnny Colorado celebrates this hit with the raise of the chair. Johnny Colorado slams the chair against the ring, presumably because he is going to hit Chyna again. From the crowd though, porn legend Ron Jeremy slides in the ring. He low blows Johnny Colorado and Johnny Colorado falls to the mat. Ron Jeremy proceeds to fall onto Johnny Colorado’s face with his crotch. The Ron Jeremy Schlong shot!

Johnny Colorado is embarrassed as he gets up to his feet. Johnny Colorado has snapped as he spine busters the living hell out of Ron Jeremy. Johnny Colorado looks ready to break the neck of Ron Jeremy and he looks hell bent on doing it. But wait, Chyna appears out of no where and rolls up Johnny Colorado. ONE-TWO-THREE. Chyna drags Ron Jeremy out of the ring, grabs her belt and heads to the back. X-Pac follows his porn star friends.

Johnny Colorado is in the ring yelling about how he was screwed once again. Colorado tells the fans he is a serious wrestler, and that he wants to be taken seriously. He grabs a microphone and begins to berate the three, “YOU PIECES OF SHIT. I’ve had enough of this… of being embarrassed by every single Joe Schmoe in the business. Next week, I will face all three of you and I’ll bring two new wrestlers to D.W.A. And these two aren’t pushovers, hell no. They are legitimate tough guys who will beat the living hell out of you. And Ron Jeremy, if you put your PENIS in my face once again, I’ll sue you for sexual harassment, you sordid, old man!”

Johnny Colorado throws the microphone to the ground and he tries to leave up the ramp, but the three porn stars won’t let him. Johnny Colorado decides to go back to the ring and leave through the crowd. Johnny Colorado is yelling and cursing as the show fades to the black.

WINNER: CHYNA and WINNER OF THE ACE TITLE

Edited December 19, 2004 by PunkRockPete

[RPS]

MBSEL WEDNESDAY NIGHT WANK-FEST

“My First Song” by Jay-Z is the theme for this show; the camera focuses in on a fat man walking through a mall. He avoids brushing against a few woman and men, as he has a few bags in his hands. He manages to make it to the bathroom and he busts through the door. He enters one of the stall’s and locks the door. The fat man opens the bag and he comes out with a few pairs of underwear in his hands, and he smells them. The words “WEDNESDAY NIGHT WANK-FEST” rush across the screen.

And we kick it up for the high gear, as we get a promo clip to hype up the redebut of MBSEL, including clips from both MBSEL and DWA. Clips such as the Jewish Street Crew suplexing Carlos Catholic off the top of the Crucifix and than the sick moonsault that proceeded are shown. The Black Guy hitting the Token on a slew of opponents. Than we get a close-up of Dallas Darke hitting the diving neck breaker a night ago on D.W.A. television. And than we head straight to the ring, where a bandaged Dallas Darke and Chris Flare standing in the ring with the MBSEL Dallas Darke Appreciation Title.

DALLAS DARKE: “Hello and welcome all to the greatest wrestling product ever, MBSEL. We provide great wrestling, great characters and a whole lot of girl on girl action. It is true indeed that DWA employees porn stars like X-Pac, Chyna and Ron Jeremy. But we employee LESBIAN porn stars. In fact, we have two here tonight who will create some porno for you fans … tonight. And if that doesn’t get you pumped up, we are going to see one hell of a T---L---C MATCH, between three up and coming teams who belong in the big leagues here in MBSEL.”

CHRIS FLARE: “Shout-out to all my peepz in BROOKLYN. Back to business here, we are going to provide you with some of the greatest action known to mankind. And just to prove it, I will be in action despite the visible bruises I sport from last nights affair in this very ring.”

DALLAS DARKE: “But the main question on every bodies mind is … who is the Dallas Darke Appreciation Champion? Well, to be perfectly honest, there was much debate over this. And I have to say, it was warranted debate. Because who in the hell deserves this title? You can’t just slap it on any average joe. And than it came to me… I am the champion. I beat Michael Jackson for it, and it still remains my title. So that puts all of that debate to sleep.”

The Black Guy doesn’t like the sound of this, so he makes his way onto the stage with a microphone in hand. Dallas Darke has a look of disgust at the fact that he has been interrupted.

DALLAS DARKE: “How dare you interrupt your boss? How dare you? I am announcing important events for the evening and here you are raining on my parade.”

THE BLACK GUY: “Yo, shut the hell up playa. Because I got a news flash for you… The Black Guy ain’t gunna sit back and let ya take that title from around mah waist.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Whoa, whoa, speak my language here ni… I mean… The Black Guy. Because we speak English here in MBSEL, we don’t speak any other kind of language.”

The German National Anthem plays all across the building and two men with German flags come out onto the ramp. Dallas Darke is thrown off by their inclusion in the events.

DALLAS DARKE: “Team Germany! I know you don’t speak English but here is not the place…. Okay Hien and Himler.”

THE BLACK GUY: “Don’t be hating on my German brothas. Hien and Himler work just as hard as anyone else to make it in the business and here you are hating on them.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Here, how about this. I’ll make a 4 way dance… TONIGHT… for the #1 contendership for the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title. It’ll be the Black Guy… versus Flint… versus Matty Matterson and Coral Fang, an up and coming vampire wrestler.”

THE BLACK GUY: “Don’t forget my track record, there cracka. I only lost one match in my wrestling career.”

DALLAS DARKE: “And don’t forget I boned your mother.”

Dallas Darke and Chris Flare drop their microphones and head to the backstage area. The Black Guy heads to the backstage area while Team Germany heads to the ring and gets in the ring, ready for their match.

TLC MATCH

TEAM GERMANY versus THE JEWISH STREET CREW versus THE HAIRDRESSERS

The hair stylist, Magnificent and Fabulous make their ways down the aisle to quite the crowd’s dislike. Hien and Himler wait for them to get into the ring so they can brawl a little bit in the ring. Himler is sent into the ropes by Magnificent and Himler is hit with a hip toss. Himler gets to his feet and Fabulous drop kicks him out of the ring. Magnificent hits Hien with an atomic drop and Fabulous hits him with a clothes line to the outside.

The Jewish Street Crew, Adam Goldberg and Jewish Rapper, make their ways onto the ramp to quite the crowd pop. Adam Goldberg has a chair in his hand and Jewish Rapper has a table. Fabulous and Magnificent roll out of the ring and meet them in the aisle way. There is a confusing exchange of lefts and rights in the process. Adam Goldberg hits someone with the chair, but it could be anyone. Hien and Himler approach the two teams with chairs and it becomes instant chaos.

Adam Goldberg manages to break apart from the group with Hien. The two exchange lefts and rights before both mutually roll in the ring. Hien tosses Adam Goldberg into the ropes, but Adam Goldberg manages to hit a clothes line. As Hien gets to his feet, Adam Goldberg opens fire with chop after chop. Adam Goldberg sends Hien into the ropes and he hits yet another clothes line. Adam Goldberg raises his hands in a some what symbolic fashion, but Magnificent cuts the celebration short as he hits a spinning heel kick on Adam Goldberg.

On the outside, Fabulous is on the apron and he kicks Jewish Rapper in the stomach. Fabulous sets up for a Styles Clash off the apron and to the padded floor. Just before he can hit it, Himler stops it from occurring. The fans boo this as they really wanted to see it. Himler is knocked off the apron by Magnificent and Fabulous hits the Styles Clash off the apron and to the padded floor.

Hien has grabbed one of the ladders and placed it in the corner. Magnificent is tossed right into the ladder and he lands on his back. Magnificent stays lying on the steel ladder, and than he is crushed by Adam Goldberg who hits a splash. Adam Goldberg dodges a super kick by Hien and manages to hit one of his own. Adam Goldberg goes to the outside and gets a table, but before he can slide it in the ring Fabulous drop kicks him in the gut. Fabulous sets the table up, but the camera pans back to the ring.

Himler has set up a ladder in the corner and encourages Hien to drag Magnificent closer to the ropes. But wait, Jewish Rapper ascends the top of the ladder and stops Himler with a few punches. After a brief exchange of punches, the two men knock the ladder over with their weight, colliding with the stiff mat beneath them. Magnificent has managed to get to his feet and he rolls up Hien for the two count.

On the outside, Fabulous has Adam Goldberg on the table as he ascends a ladder he set up. Fabulous is getting quite the negative reaction, but that could all change here as he is going to risk his life. But wait, in the ring now Jewish Rapper jumps up onto the ropes. Jewish Rapper manages to hit a spring board drop kick knocking Fabulous off the ladder and onto the steel railing! But Adam Goldberg isn’t out of it quite yet as Hien hits a splash off the top putting Adam Goldberg through the table.

Back in the ring, Magnificent hits a few jabs to Himler. Himler dodges the last one and hits a neck breaker. Himler covers, but only for the two count. Himler picks Magnificent up to his feet, only to get rolled up into a bridge for the two count. Magnificent and Himler both knock each other down with a clothes line as the referee turns his attention to the outside. Fabulous is getting to his feet know with the help of Hien who simply tosses him into the steel steps. Jewish Rapper and Adam Goldberg are catching their breath.

Adam Goldberg and Jewish Rapper decide to slide into the ring with two ladders; a big one and a small one. They set the two ladders up side by side and grab Himler know. Adam Goldberg climbs up the smaller ladder with Himler and Jewish Rapper the bigger ladder by himself. Adam Goldberg and Himler get to the top and have a slug fest. Adam Goldberg gets the better of Himler and raises him onto his shoulders on the top of the ladder. Jewish Rapper hits a clothes line on Himler who flies off the shoulders of Adam Goldberg and in that dangerous move.

Adam Goldberg is the only man still on a ladder, but not for long. Fabulous is climbing the bigger ladder as Adam Goldberg stands there hollering at his tag partner to get up. And as soon as Adam Goldberg notices Fabulous is too late as he dives off the top of the ladder and hurricranas Adam Goldberg off the ladder in a huge holy shit moment. Fabulous drapes his arm over Adam Goldberg and the referee makes the three count. The Hairdressers are victorious here on their first night.

Fabulous and Magnificent head to the back with their scissors and combs in hand as a bitter Team Germany and Jewish Street Crew bicker in the ring, solving absolutely nothing between the two.

WINNER: THE HAIRDRESSERS

An unknown man is in the backstage area with a microphone. He can best be described as 5’7” man, with thick reading glasses and a huge over bit. He is wearing a huge sweater, probably sewed by his mother. He is wearing ragged old jeans and his hair hasn’t been washed in days.

REGGIE PHILLIS: “The name is Reggie Phillis, and I must say it is an honor to be wrestling here in MBSEL. I haven’t really been given a chance in the big leagues, and I must say it is disappointing. Disappointing to say the least. I phoned up The Duck one day and asked for a try-out, you know what he said? No. Well at least Dallas Darke gave me the time of day. And he gave me a try-out match tonight! He didn’t say who my opponent was, but he told me to look for Tyrone Jackson.”

A big huge white guy, probably about 6”2”, 250 pounds walks into the picture. He is wearing a leather jacket and huge sun glasses. This is indeed, Tyrone Jackson who simply looks Reggie Phillis up and down and than laughs.

TYRONE JACKSON: “Don’t be kidding me. You are Reggie Phillis.”

REGGIE PHILLIS: “The one and ONLY. And you must b e Tyrone Jackson. Oh man! This match is going to be fantastic. I can’t believe it.”

TYRONE JACKSON: “Fantastic? Listen here punk, I’ve got a job already here in MBSEL. Dallas Darke hired me personally to take care of the business he don’t have time to do. And guess what Reggie?”

REGGIE PHILLIS: “Okay, I’ll take the bait on this one. What Tyrone?”

TYRONE JACKSON: “Shut up geek, it was a rhetorical question. Dallas told me to take care of you. So I’ll see you out in the ring.”

REGGIE PHILLIS: “Yeah, it is a pleasure tagging with you.”

TYRONE JACKSON: “Wait, hold on. Tagging with me?”

REGGIE PHILLIS: “Yeah, Dallas Darke booked us in a tag-team match against another team.”

TYRONE JACKSON: “What the hell? Tagging with a geek like you? No fucking way.”

Tyrone Jackson is visibly angered by the announcement of teaming up with the geek, and he simply leaves Reggie Phillis in complete hysterics over the prospect of teaming with such a big and strong man against the Protest Squad.

Scene, a club by the name of “Scissors Sister Lounge” in the heart of Toronto. Who, the club goers of Toronto. When, midnight the night before Wednesday Night Wank Fest. The camera focuses in on the dark cape with the initials CF on the cape. The camera catches a glimpse of the long stripper boats of the man. The camera moves upwards and we see that the man has his black hair gelled into a ponytail. The camera pans upwards and we see this man walk into the ladies wash room. The camera focuses in on a woman who is shocked by the presence of this man, she shrieks.

WOMAN: “Ahhhhh! A vampire!”

The camera focuses in on Coral Fang, the vampire wrestler. Coral Fang laughs in a very diabolical tone and than the camera pans back to the woman. The camera focuses back in on the razor sharp fangs of Coral Fang. The camera focuses back in on the woman who is cowering.

WOMAN: “Don’t suck my blood, please!”

CORAL FANG: “Suck your blood? Oh, that is rather harsh and vile.”

WOMAN: “Don’t vampires… suck blood?”

CORAL FANG: “Some vampires do. I prefer the much simpler approach of suppressing my urges by feeding on fashion.”

WOMAN: “Fashion?”

CORAL FANG: “Yes! Give me that scarf!”

Coral Fang approaches the woman and rips the scarf off the neck of the woman. She looks rather unimpressed by Coral Fang.

WOMAN: “Wow, that was pretty painless.”

CORAL FANG: “Well, of course. What did you expect? I’d stab you in the gut, rape you and than suck the blood off the floor?”

WOMAN: “Yes. That is exactly what I expected.”

CORAL FANG: “Oh, that is so disgusting! Well any-way, my name is Coral Fang, the fashion vampire. Warn your friends.”

WOMAN: “Hey, you are kind of cool, want to hook up on a date some time?”

CORAL FANG: “Sorry, being a Vampire has left me sexless. No penis or vagina.”

WOMAN: “Damn, well I’ll fulfill my Vampire fetish some day. Have a good day.”

Coral Fang sprints out of the bathroom trying to avoid eye contact with any of the patrons he passes by. Coral Fang breaks through the main doors and he runs down the winter streets of Toronto, Ontario. The fashion vampire is scheduled to wrestle in the main event, remember.

TYRONE JACKSON & REGGIE PHILLIS versus PROTEST SQUAD

The protest squad consists of two very short men, one who is named Johnny Renegade and the other who is named Jimmy Rebel. They come to the ring with signs in hand, one saying “OIL IS MURDER” and the other saying “ABORTION KILLS A BEATING HEART”. Reggie Phillis comes out next and he has no theme music whatsoever and no lights. There is zero reaction for him. Tyrone Jackson rushes out to the ring and he immediately attacks Jimmy Rebel.

Tyrone Jackson whips Jimmy Rebel into the ropes and takes him down with a clothes line. Tyrone Jackson grabs Johnny Renegade by the throat and he lifts him up for a gorilla press slam and Tyrone drops him hard. Reggie Phillis tries to intervene, but Tyrone Jackson throws him to the outside and tells him to stand on the apron. Tyrone Jackson turns around and Johnny Renegade is running towards him. Tyrone Jackson just stands his ground and Johnny Renegade hits a brick wall.

Tyrone Jackson grabs Jimmy Rebel and yanks him to his feet. Tyrone drops him with one hell of a running power slam. Tyrone gets up to his feet and Johnny Renegade tries to drop kick him, but Tyrone just swats him aside. Tyrone than proceeds to hit a splash on Johnny Renegade. The referee covers for the two count, but Jimmy Rebel breaks it up. Jimmy Rebel gets in a few punches on Tyrone Jackson, but Tyrone Jackson hits a massive belly to belly suplex.

Jimmy Rebel and Johnny Renegade are both getting up to their feet and when they do, Tyrone takes them both down with a drop kick. Johnny Renegade struggles to his feet and before he can, Tyrone Jackson lifts him in the air and power bombs him straight into the mat. Jimmy Rebel receives the same fate. Tyrone Jackson covers Jimmy Rebel, but Johnny Renegade manages to break the pinfall. Tyrone Jackson simply tosses Johnny Renegade across the ring and watches as he crumples up in an uncomfortable fashion.

Tyrone Jackson waits for Jimmy Rebel to struggle to his feet and Tyrone Jackson hits a bicycle kick. This sends Jimmy Rebel half way across the ring and out of breath as he hits the mat. Tyrone Jackson grabs Johnny Renegade and he hits a shoulder breaker. Tyrone Jackson signals to the crowd he is going to end the match. But wait, Jimmy Rebel is on the top rope and he hits a flying clothes line. Tyrone Jackson is taken down to one knee amazingly.

Jimmy Rebel and Johnny Renegade obliterate Tyrone Jackson with punch after punch. The Protest Squad send Tyrone Jackson into the ropes and hit a huge back body drop. Tyrone Jackson lands on the mat and the two men deliver stiff boots to his chest. Reggie Phillis demands for the tag, but Tyrone Jackson refuses to tag to the small and weak geek. Tyrone Jackson is bent over when Jimmy Rebel hits the rocker drop. Johnny Renegade climbs to the top rope and hits a moon sault. The referee makes the two count, but Reggie Phillis breaks up the count.

Jimmy Rebel shoves Reggie Phillis and Johnny Renegade does the same thing. The Protest Squad slap Reggie Phillis down to the mat and Reggie Phillis isn’t going to fight back. He simply returns to the apron in hopes Tyrone will tag him. Tyrone Jackson utilizes the distraction to hit both men with a clothes line. Tyrone Jackson crawls to the corner and makes the tag to Reggie Phillis. Reggie Phillis is excited that he has been tagged in as he gets in the ring.

Reggie Phillis watches as Jimmy Rebel sits on one knee. Reggie hits one stiff drop kick right to the face! Jimmy Rebel falls to the mat after the attack and Reggie covers. Johnny Renegade breaks up the count at 2 and lets Reggie Phillis get to his feet. This wasn’t a wise move as Reggie hits three stiff forearms in a row and follows it up with a body slam. Reggie Phillis bounces off the ropes and hits a running shooting star press onto Johnny Renegade. The referee makes the two count, but Jimmy Rebel breaks it up.

Tyrone Jackson enters the ring and he is pissed off. He gains some momentum with the ropes and hits the stiffest clothes line on Jimmy Rebel and he is definitely not getting up after that clothes line. Tyrone Jackson hits the same clothes line on Johnny Renegade. Reggie Phillis climbs to the top rope and he hits a 450 splash on Jimmy Rebel. The referee makes the three count and Reggie and Tyrone are awarded the victory here.

WINNER: TYRONE JACKSON & REGGIE PHILLIS

Adam Goldberg is in the backstage area filling up a cup with coffee. He takes a sip of the coffee and he spits it out. A man walks into the picture wearing a shirt saying Mr. Inadequate. Mr. Inadequate looks at the coffee spilt on the ground and he decides to make a comment.

MR. INADEQUATE: “That coffee seemed DISMAL at best. May I inquire what was wrong with that coffee.”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “Who are you?”

MR. INADEQUATE: “Mr. Inadequate! I am a man designed to look after any sort of Inadequacy within your life. And I must say, that coffee wasn’t very good, was it?”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “Yeah, the coffee sucked. But that don’t mean I need any help solving the problem. If I wanted to, I’d get myself another coffee from some where else.”

MR. INADEQUATE: “You’d solve the problem yourself? No, please don’t. Let me solve the problem, please?”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “How do I know you aren’t going to piss into the cup when I ain’t looking.”

MR. INADEQUATE: “That wouldn’t be adequate, now would it?”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “Oh… okay. Alright, I dig. Bring me a coffee than.”

MR. INADEQUATE: “Alright than. See you in ten minutes?”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “Ten minutes? Why can’t you fill my cup up with some coffee here?”

MR. INADEQUATE: “This coffee? No sir, I insist on going to a Starbucks and getting you the very best coffee on the market. I insist!”

ADAM GOLDBERG: “Alright. Whatever.”

Mr. Inadequate walks away from a confused Adam Goldberg. Adam Goldberg doesn’t even have a comment to explain the events that just happened, he simply stands dumbfounded and unaware of any kind of comment to make.

CHRIS FLARE versus HEART ATTACK KID

Chris Flare makes his way down the aisle and into the ring wearing street clothes. And than, here comes the Heart Attack Kid, he makes anyone attracted to him have a heart attack. The young stud makes his way onto the ramp and he flexes his muscles and exposes his chiseled physique. HAK makes his way down the aisle slapping the young fans hands. HAK gets into the ring and Chris Flare instantly attacks him.

Chris Flare throws HAK off the ring lines and he hits a hip toss. Chris Flare waits for HAK to get to his feet and he hits an arm drag take down into an arm bar. HAK manages to slip out of the hold and hit a few forearms to the face. Chris Flare dodges the third and he hits a neck breaker. Flare covers, but only for the two count. HAK manages to pop up to his feet and he hits a one leg drop kick to the face of Flare. Flare falls through the middle ropes to the outside.

Heart Attack Kid scales to the top rope and he is going to fly, but Chris Flare drops onto the apron and shakes the ropes. HAK lands on the top rope, crushing his testes. Chris Flare opens fire with lefts and rights and than climbs to the top rope. Chris Flare goes for a superplex, but HAK shoves Flare off the top rope. HAK sizes up and than flies and hits a elbow drop. HAK covers, but only for the two count. Chris Flare is reeling over this attack.

Heart Attack Kid dodges a clothes line by Chris Flare and than hits a flying forearm. HAK is up to his feet within seconds and he signals that he is going to hit Sweet Bypass Surgery, a super kick move. Heart Attack stomps his feet a few times and Chris Flare gains wind of this and he rolls out of the ring. Chris Flare blows off the match and he heads to the back leaving HAK in the ring in awe. The referee counts Chris Flare out and awards the match to HAK.

Heart Attack rolls out of the ring and chases Chris Flare up the ramp. Chris Flare runs away from the young stud and the men disappear from behind the curtain.

WINNER: HEART ATTACK KID by DQ

Out in the ring, a man stands with a microphone in hand. He waits for the entire audience to be silent before he speaks, much like a teacher would to his class.

RAY: “Ray Morris is my name, but that don’t matter to you guys, because I am here to introduce two women who are going to spice up this very ring. I know you all love lesbians when they aren’t talking, so lets bring the two lesbians out tonight.”

Some very sexy music plays, but it soon turns into TKO by feminist punk band Le Tigre. A fat woman wearing a bikini comes out with a short hair butch woman in a bikini. They make their way down to the ring and enter it. The fat woman’s name is Jordan Benjamin and the short haired butch woman’s name is Miranda Darke.

JORDAN BENJAMIN: “You sexist male chauvinists! How dare you exploit a womans sexual choice for your own carnal pleasures. Us lesbians have feelings too and we have rights.”

RAY: “The only good lesbian is a silent naked lesbian on top of another silent naked lesbian!”

MIRANDA DARKE: “Shut the hell up, you sexist. We have fought long and hard to be appreciated by the masses and we aren’t going to stop. My name is Miranda Darke, sister of Dallas Darke and I must say that I am appalled by my brothers wrestling federation. Men, men, and MEN! And hiring people like Ray Morris. Me and my life-partner, Jordan Benjamin, gained wind of this exclusive…”

Ray has seen enough of this and he slaps the taste out of Miranda Darke’s mouth. Miranda Darke falls to the mat and she gets back up to her feet. Miranda Darke spits right in the face of Ray Morris. Jordan Benjamin grabs Ray Morris by the hair and she tosses him to the outside of the ring. Ray Morris is fuming now with this idea of being tossed to the outside of the ring by woman.

RAY MORRIS: “That is assault you god-damn dykes. I’ll have your asses fired for that kind of behavior. I think I broke my god-damn arm, you stupid sluts.”

MIRANDA DARKE: “Come into the ring and say that to my face.”

RAY MORRIS: “How about this slut: I contact my lawyer tonight and tomorrow I’ll sue your god damn lesbian asses. First we give them the right to vote and than now they think they have the right to touch a man in a forceful manner.”

Ray Morris throws down the microphone and heads to the back clenching his right arm which Ray Morris alleges is broken. Miranda and Jordan head to the back shortly after this display in the ring and we are left. The camera pans to the backstage area, where a sign is set up with the words “DOC MORRISON, GIMMICK CONSULTANT” above a booth. A man with a very long moustache and cowboy hat sits in the booth. A young kid, about twenty two years old, approaches the booth.

YOUNG KID: “Are you … Doc Morrison?”

DOC MORRISON: “The one and only. I am Doc Morrison, gimmick consultant. Get you over in two shows or your money back guaranteed! Free consultations for first timers.”

YOUNG KID: “Well, I fall under that category. The name is Wesley Glass, I just got trained to be a wrestler and want a job. But you see, the catch is that I can’t think of a gimmick.”

DOC MORRISON: “Wesley Glass, eh? It’s got a nice ring to it. I dig it, I really do. It a fantastic ring name and I am telling you, you are going big places. You just need the perfect gimmick. And let me tell you, I thought of something brilliant when you were just talking there. You had so much force in your voice, I think you should emulate Adolf Hitler, nazi dictator as your gimmick.”

WESLEY GLASS: “See, there is a guy named Wendell Mehitler doing the same thing in D.W.A. The fans will shit all over me if I copy him. I need something original.”

DOC MORRISON: “Oh, right. I guess than dressing up like a duck is out of the question. This is a tough one, I must say. But I just thought of something brilliant. You are an attractive kid. If I was a flaming homo, I’d probably pack your fudge faster than you can say Pasta Dish.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Pasta Dish?”

DOC MORRISON: “See, your fudge would be RIGHT packed by know. So here is this gimmick I just dreamed up. You … Wesley Glass, can EAT glass! See how it works. It’s got that extreme edge and it relates to your super cool name.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Eating glass. That is pretty dangerous. I don’t know, Doc, I just don’t know. Perhaps something a little tamer.”

DOC MORRISON: “Tamer? Boy, I’ll tell you, tame isn’t what these fans want. These fans want on the edge of your seat story lines. And if you aren’t willingly to give it, someone else will. Look at the Protest Squad, I’d be fretful if we ever see them again. Because quite frankly, they ain’t got nothing that makes them stand out from anyone else. Eating glass is all you got.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Alright, alright. I’ll go with the eating glass idea for my match with Sidney Liar next week. It’ll be my first MBSEL contest.”

DOC MORRISON: “Here, here, here; I’ve got a fantastic idea. I want you to approach Sidney Liar… TONIGHT… and I want you to eat glass in front of him. I mean, it works on so many levels. You are taking it to the edge, going extreme. You are also showing that you can one up him in any contest he wants. Sidney Liar, who the hell is that any way?”

WESLEY GLASS: “He is a punk rocker.”

DOC MORRISON: “See, punks are pussys. Look at those cats from Good Charlotte, they make some great tunes like Anthem, but you know what? Couldn’t fight their way out of a bag. So I say you go and show him up right know.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Alright, Doc, I’ll do it!”

Wesley Glass leaves Doc Morrison and proceeds to wander the halls looking for Sidney Liar. Wesley Glass knocks politely on a door and there is no answer. Wesley Glass taps once again and the door swings open and Sidney Liar answers.

SIDNEY LIAR: “Who in the blue hell are you?”

WESLEY GLASS: “Wesley “Glass-Eating” Glass! We are facing each other next week and I have to tell you, you are in for one heck of a match. I am so tough and extreme, I eat glass.”

SIDNEY LIAR: “Really? You eat glass? That is interesting, I’ve got some glass I was using to cut my chest with. Do you want to eat that?”

WESLEY GLASS: “Uhhhhh--- I guess. I mean, I am the Glass Eater.”

The door closes and after a few seconds the door swings open with Sidney Liar holding a bunch of glass in his hands.

SIDNEY LIAR: “So you going to eat this glass.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Yeah, yeah. Give me the glass. I’ll show you how to eat it.”

Wesley holds the glass in hands for a few seconds, thinking about what he is about to do. After he is done thinking, he shoves the glass in his mouth and begins to chew.

SIDNEY LIAR: “Wow. That is amazing man. I used to do that when I was twelve, but you are extreme man. Any ways, you said we have a match next week? Well cheers?”

Sidney Liar has a beer glass in his hand and he smashes it against the face of Wesley Glass. Glass flies every where and Wesley falls to the ground. Blood begins to leak out of his mouth and his head where he was hit. Sidney Liar chuckles as he watches the poor kid bleed in the middle of the floor. Sidney Liar closes the door and leaves him for someone else. Doc Morrison stumbles upon the fallen kid and he yells for someone to dial 9-1-1.

#1 CONTENDER FOR MBSEL DALLAS DARKE APPRECIATION TITLE

THE BLACK GUY versus FLINT versus MATTY MATTERSON versus CORAL FANG

The main event for tonight is a 4 way dance for the #1 contendership for Dallas Darke’s Appreciation Title. The four men have a brief stare down as they all try to pump themselves for the match. The Black Guy steps into the middle of the ring and calls on Flint. Flint rushes at The Black Guy only to get dropped with a left hand. Matty Matterson applies a head lock to Coral Fang, only to get shot off into the ropes and back body dropped.

Coral Fang and The Black Guy have a mini stare down in the middle of the ring before they both decide to attack their other opponents. The Black Guy drops Flint with another left hand while Coral Fang hits a diving splash over the top rope. The Black Guy in the ring hits an atomic drop on Flint and than hits a bull dog! The Black Guy covers, but only gets a two count. Coral Fang throws Matty Matterson onto the table and he climbs to the very top rope. Coral Fang signals for an elbow drop and he smashes Matty Matterson straight threw the table.

Flint tries to body slam the Black Guy, but the Black Guy slips off his shoulder and swings Flint around. Token! The Black Guy hits the Token and Flint is down and out. The Black Guy covers Flint and gets the three count. The referee signals for the bell, the match is over within a minute.

The fans are booing as the match is over already. The Black Guy gets up to his feet and raises his hands in celebration. But wait, what the hell is this? Carlos Catholic is in the ring with a chair and he knocks The Black Guy down to the mat. Carlos Catholic and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group are in the ring now stomping on the Black Guy and Flint. The Jewish Street Crew try to rush down the aisle to intervene, but The Pineapple Kid and Julian Snakes jump them before they can get to the ring.

The ring is slowly filling up with D.W.A. wrestlers, everyone from Harold Agnes to the Chaos Brothers. Dallas Darke walks out onto the stage and he yells for the MBSEL to mount a come back. Team Germany, Protest Squad, Tyrone Jackson, Reggie Phillis, Mr. Inadequate, Sidney Liar, Chris Flare, Heart Attack Kid, Ray Morris and the Hairdressers all rush down to the ring, but the numbers are too much. They all seem to get over powered by the forcefulness of the D.W.A. roster. The MBSEL roster is all laying on the outside of the ring.

The Duck appears in the midst of the entire D.W.A. roster with a microphone and dubious look on his face. The Duck is about to talk, but his microphone doesn’t talk. Instead, The Forces Of Good appear on the stage alongside Dallas Darke. Hand Solo, Lobster, Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter, 101010101010101010 and Eiwehc all look ready to brawl. Dallas Darke and the Forces Of Good head to the ring for one huge brawl. The D.W.A. roster looks powerful at first, but it seems the Forces Of Good gain the upper hand.

Eventually it comes down to Julian Snakes, Wendell Mehiter and the Duck versus Hand Solo, Dallas Darke and Lobster, with the entire rosters lying on the outside hurt. Julian Snakes and Hand Solo clash in the middle of the ring, but eventually manage to both take each other to the outside. Dallas Darke dodges a clothes line by Wendell Mehitler and throws him to the outside. Dallas Darke, with his back turned is knocked to the mat by a backwing by the Duck.

Lobster and the Duck have a stare down amidst all the fallen comrades hurt around the ring. Lobster looks ready and willingly to strike at any time and so does the Duck. The Duck simply rolls out of the ring and leaves through the crowd. Lobster has a look of disgust on his face for the coward, and he doesn’t follow him. Lobster simply scowls at his mother, who is running away from the inevitable battle between the two.

And just remember, the Black Guy did actually win the 4 way match, meaning he gets a shot against Dallas Darke.

WINNER: THE BLACK GUY

BUT THERE IS MORE

You probably want more D.W.A. and MBSEL action, but that really isn't possible. I wanted to get these two shows out of the way before the Holiday season, so I could take a little break. Not that big, because there won't be a show up until January 1st, when there will be a show.

WRATH OF THE DONKEY: BEST OF THE PUNKROCKPETE UNIVERSE

There will be an award show with the best and brightest of the PunkRockPete wrestling world and their will be an award show. This includes the the MBSEL/D.W.A. Diary, my Chapters of TNA Diary, and lastly the diary I am currently working on my BUWL diary. There will be awards for best heel, best face, best stable, and as well, the top moments from the three diaries. It'll be posted January 1st for all your enjoyment in this here diary.

Edited December 21, 2004 by PunkRockPete

[paulbd]

Why do I feel dumber from reading all of this?

Now that thats done with I love your diary. You've got me hooked.

Edited December 24, 2004 by paulbd

[Guest mroniimusha]

I'll admit, I only looked at the first page and a few shows after that. That was all it took to make give an almighty 'WHAT THE ****?!' It's great writing, but it's like you've done dope, E, crystal meth and LSD at the same time, then written this.

That said: LET THE BLACK GUY WIN!

[RPS]

WRATH OF THE DONKEY

BEST OF THE D.W.A. AND MBSEL

My Chemical Romance’s suicide song, I’m Not Okay {I Promise} is the theme song for the show. We are given a brief clip package of the events this year in MBSEL and D.W.A, including just about every wrestler on the show. Things including Ned being shot by the crazed fan, Eminem jumping right into a Crushed Mangoes, Dallas Darke hitting the diving neck breaker from the top rope to the outside. Inside of a small wrestling ring stands Maria the Update Woman and hot pop-rapper Nelly! They are apparently the two MC’s for the show.

MARIA: “Welcome to the hottest joint this holiday season, WRATH OF THE DONKEY, BEST OF D.W.A. AND MBSEL!!!! We’ve got lots of great moments to bring you, lots of great wrestlers, and some very confusing moments.”

NELLY: “Yoooooo! The roof, the roof is on firrrrreeee! Nelly is heere in dis joint, and I must say that I am proud ta be heere! Because this will undoubtly be a night to never forget.”

MARIA: “And just to prove to you tonight that we are going to make sure this stuff is fast and hard hitting, we are already putting some action IN YOUR FACE. Tonight we will be counting down the best MBSEL and D.W.A. Moments, there are eleven that we chose. Number eleven is… Christ Love versus Dallas Darke and Chris Flare. Dallas Darke after the bout told me the reason it came across so well was because it was all about the action in the ring, no drama or emotion about anything outside. And no-one had any expectations for these 4 to deliver such a match.”

NELLY: “What a match these 4 men had and I must say, even I was at the edge of my seat screaming as they put their bodies on the line. But it wasn’t enough, because unfortunately this managed only to take 11th place. But they innovated some of the greatest spots here in this match, so we will include them.”

The camera fades out to clips from this top moment in MBSEL and D.W.A. history, featuring some of the most innovative and death defying moves EVER seen in a wrestling ring.

TOP MOMENT #11: CHRIST LOVE versus DALLAS DARKE & CHRIS FLARE

On the outside, Chris Flare whips Lead Singer right into the steel railing. He hits with such great force and Chris Flare has a face of delight after the move. On the top rope, Dallas Darke hits a fantastic fisherman suplex right off the top rope with the pin. One-two-, kick out. Carlos Catholic raises his elbow in the nick of time and he should be thanking Jesus for that one.

~~~

Chris Flare falls to the ground and Lead Singer has a great idea. He climbs onto the apron and tries to play mimic to Chris Flare. He wants to hit a diving hurricrana… onto the cement. He sets up for it and starts the move. But Chris Flare gains wind of the move and he simply reverses the hurricrana into a power bomb onto the cement. Holy shit!

~~~

Dallas Darke climbs the top rope and signals for a Swanton Bomb. But wait… Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group is on the apron now and approaching Dallas Darke. Dallas Darke changes his plans and he hits a diving neck breaker from the top rope all the way to the outside. The fans chant holy shit in unison over that last move.

~~~

Chris Flare and Carlos Catholic have a mini brawl on the top rope as to who will dominate who. Catholic seems to have the advantage at first, but Chris Flare makes a huge come back. Chris Flare sets up for a huge move now and he hits a DDT from the top rope right into the middle of the ring.

~~~

Carlos Catholic is almost to the top rope, but he gets distracted by Dallas Darke who yells his name several times. Chris Flare takes this chance to use the ropes as a spring board to hit an enzugri to Catholic on the top rope!

~~~

Flare gets to his feet and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group throws him the chair. Flare catches it and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group kicks him in the nuts. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group hits Flare with a hurricrana, while Flare is holding the chair, making Flares head collide with the chair upon impact.

~~~

Dallas Darke climbs to the top rope and it appears to be his Swanton bomb. Dallas Darke hits the move and he is slow to cover. Carlos Catholic ascends the top turn buckle. Dallas Darke covers, and gets the one count. Carlos Catholic takes into the air and he flies. As the referee goes to cover two, Carlos Catholic almost misses the shooting star press, managing to hit Dallas Darke with his knee! The referee says the pin has been broken.

~~~

Chris Flare gets on the apron and proceeds to drag Catholic onto the apron. Chris Flare picks Carlos Catholic up for a back body drop, but he also raises the feet of Carlos Catholic. Chris Flare jumps from the apron to the padded floor, driving Catholics knee right into the padded floor.

The camera pans back to Nelly and Maria The Update Woman who are standing in the ring with smiles on their face. But wait, what the hell is this? Team German, a new and upcoming team consisting of Hien and Himler, and try to steal some of the attention away from the events.

MARIA: “Wait, wait, you two aren’t supposed to be in the ring?”

NELLY: “If you two schmoes don’t sit down, things are going to get hot in heere!”

HIMLER: “Meine Paste ist braun”

HIEN: “He, ist Grube auch.”

MARIA: “Can we get security down here, please?”

HIEN: “Du Arschloch, Sie dummer schwarzer Mann und Dirne!!!”

Security get onstage and proceed to take away the two German men who attempted to ruin the night of events. Maria and Nelly turn back to the cameras, hoping to go on with the show.

NELLY: “There were some big shows, but none as big as the debut of MBSEL on television, right Maria?”

MARIA: “Right, it ushered in a new era of wrestling for the entire world. And because of that, we are taking a look back at that same night.”

MBSEL VERY FIRST SHOW – WEDNESDAY NIGHT WANK-FEST

It was brought to us live on Pay-Per-View, it was a show of epic proportions. Many were skeptical at first, with the announcement of the roster and the risky idea of having cross dressers, Catholics, ducks and Emo kids wrestling in the same federation. Some said, “This sounds so stupid”, others said, “Hmm...crazy”, and some branded MBSEL “extremely fucked up”.

It kicked off with these Boots Are Made For Walking and featured a risky opening video entailing a woman turning out to be a man and wanking, thus Wednesday Night Wank-Fest. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band, than a Screamcore Band, faced off against The Mango Kid. All it took was a Crushed Mangoes and a Tomb Stone Pile Driver for the match to be over.

Moe and Joe talked a little bit about being a midget and twelve years old, before Salvador Seizure had his say. Salvador managed to get the victory with a sneaky chair shot. We met Lobsters family, who were eventually murdered. Robbie California, now Hand Solo, lost to the Black Guy in a “Luggage Match”, making him carry the luggage of the Black Guy for a month.

The Duck’s water bottle was stolen, by Lobster. In memory of Johnny Ramone, his corpse was fucked in a match of epic proportions. The Duck couldn’t have sex with the corpse was eliminated from the match by accident by Johnny Colorado. And Lobster picked up the victory for the Johnny Ramone Necrophillia Title.

The camera pans back to the Arena where Nelly and Maria The Update Woman are ready to be prompted back to the show. Nelly is the first to speak up, a little embarassed the cue was missed.

NELLY: “Yo, we be back and black here for the show.”

MARIA: “Wow, that was an amazing sequence of events. That clip show really took me down history lane, teaching me things I was so curious about. But here we are at the next biggest moment in the history of MBSEL and D.W.A. In came just a week ago when D.W.A was brought live to you folks at home. We all thought that George Bush and The Duck were alligned. But were they really?”

NELLY: “No. A scheme was designed by the Duck to make sure he was the sole owner of D.W.A. And it went through perfectly, and we saw perhaps the beginning of the end of America as we know it. If things keep going this way, we will soon be ruled by The Duck.”

TOP MOMENT #10: CALEB DARKE BOUGHT OF D.W.A, GEORGE BUSH KILLED

GEORGE BUSH: “You see… Caleb, you are too big of a liability. The Duck realized that you were in the back pocket of John Kerry the entire time, and whatever he wanted to do… you would do. So it came the Duck’s realization that perhaps it was best to take that majority out of the picture. Don’t you think it was weird that John Kerry would even accept the challenge to begin with. Such a ridiculous ideas to put your portion of a company on the line a wrestling match. The Duck told him to… The Duck said he’d make sure that John Kerry won. Well, John Kerry didn’t win and he is indeed the President of The United States of America. The Duck didn’t really agree with John Kerry… at all. You see, he doesn’t want to kill America, in fact quite the opposite. He wants it to take over the world. But he wants to make sure that he has a strange-hold over the company.”

GEORGE BUSH: “Caleb, you are ineffective… you are useless. Anything we want, we get with this majority. So we’ve decided that we would like to extend a deal for you.”

CALEB DARKE: “A … deal?”

GEORGE BUSH: “Yes. We want to buy your portion of this company out from you. How does… 4 billion dollars sound?”

From the ceiling emerges a table and chairs with a contract sitting in the middle of the table. When it falls to the ring, Caleb Darke scrambles for a pen and a piece of paper and he scribbles his name down on a piece of paper

~~~

The Duck pulls a revolver from his jacket (because all Duck’s wear jackets) and he shoots George Bush right in the chest. George Bush falls over and he begins to gasp for air.

GEORGE BUSH: “You son of a bitch… you set me up… you…”

THE DUCK: “QUACK, QUACK, QUACK QUACK QUACK!”

GEORGE BUSH: “You… you… power hungry bastard… you own 100% of the company… now… ahhchhhhkkkk!”

George Bush falls to the mat for the last time as the blood leaks out of him. The Duck wears a smile so evil, the one smile that he always has. The Duck waddles from the center of the ring all the way to the back. Dear lord… D.W.A. has become a DUCKTATORSHIP! The camera pans back to the Arena, where the Duck is onstage with Nancy Catalogue.

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Nelly, Nelly, Nelly. You just happened to cross the paths of a dangerous man.”

MARIA: “I know The Duck is a huge part of this entire show, but Nelly was simply expressing his opinion.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “SILENCE! Nelly, you crossed paths with one of the most dangerous men in the entire world. The Duck.”

NELLY: “I don’t know how well that little chicken, excuse me, Duck hears but I’ve got a little message. Fuck the Duck.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Get off our stage. Right know!”

Nelly looks ready to punch Nancy Catalogue right in the face, but instead walks off the stage in a respectful manner. Nancy Catalogue looks right into the camera and realizes how this must look.

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Oh, shucks we seem to have run out of a co-MC. Well, it just so happens we managed to bring back a living legend here tonight. Lets put our hands together for… Owen Hart!”

A punk kid who is about 5’5” and 130 pounds walks out onto the stage to the fans dismay. They boo the small kid and throw pop corn and disposable cups at them. In fact, I see some feces being thrown at him.

OWEN HART: “Enough is enough and it’s time for a change. I kid, my name is Owen Hart and I told Nancy Catalogue I’d be able to earn a lot of money, I could main event the world. So I am making my debut as co-MC of this here event. And we are going to hand out the very first award of the night. It’ll be for…”

MARIA: “That is right Owen Hart! The first award we handing out is the Best Bump Of The Year Award. It was a pretty hard category to chose from. We had so many eligible bumps to chose from. It was a very, very hard choice.”

OWEN HART: “Coming in at a distant third place…Suicidal Patrick committing suicide!”

MARIA: “I recall watching that horrific image on my television screen in the back. But it seems he has been resurrected from the dead as a Zombie and fairing just well in the tag ranks of D.W.A., so all is well for the once suicidal Zombie.

OWEN HART: “Look at the other Owen Hart, he committed suicide and everyone seemed to care so much about it.”

MARIA: “That was actually a complete accident and it was genuine care. But that was a different wrestling federation and here we are talking about MBSEL and D.W.A. coming in at second place was an even sicker sight to watch.”

OWEN HART: “Dallas Darke placed a bounty on Ned’s head. And it wouldn’t be for two months before anyone collected the bounty. Dallas Darke revoked the bounty… only for someone to kill Ned after the bounty be revoked.”

OWEN HART: “Intense. Just intense. How is Ned fairing after that shot?”

MARIA: “Dead.”

OWEN HART: “What a freakin’ shame! Any ways, lets move right along into the WINNER of the Biggest Bump of the Year Award. I mean, there was so many choices, but only one seemed fitting. Dallas Darke and Chris Flare teamed up to face Christ Love, which was already shown. But no-one expected the diving neck breaker from hell to happen. No one.”

MARIA: “It was one hell of a neck breaker. Lets take on last look at it and than have Dallas Darke and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band have a speech.”

Dallas Darke climbs the top rope and signals for a Swanton Bomb. But wait… Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group is on the apron now and approaching Dallas Darke. Dallas Darke changes his plans and he hits a diving neck breaker from the top rope all the way to the outside. The fans chant holy shit in unison over that last move. The camera pans back to the award show, and Dallas Darke holds one trophy in his hand and he has his own appreciation title around his waist. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band has the other trophy in his hand.

DALLAS DARKE: “I’d like to thank a few people here. First of all, I’d like to thank my trainer and friend for life … Alan. If it weren’t for you Alan, wouldn’t be here. Secondly, I’d like to thank Brahman. You are the will behind life. Thirdly, like to thank Chris Flare, for being my friend for life. And lastly, I’d like to thank Miranda, Mom, Dad, for being behind me 100%. I wouldn’t like to thank Caleb Darke, my worthless twat for a brother who owns and is President of his own island. And I will not thank you, Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band. Fuck you.”

LEAD SINGER OF A CHRISTIAN ROCK BAND: ‘Sit down tool. I’d first like to thank Jesus Christ. You made me take the bump and you helped Dallas Darke make the spot happen. I’d like to thank Carlos Catholic for being the greatest band mate and tag partner ever. And I’d like to thank anyone who has bought my CD! You guys are the greatest fans in the entire world. Keep rocking in God’s world!”

Dallas Darke has already sat down, so Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band returns to his seat with one trophy in hand. Maria and Owen Hart step forward to allow the night to proceed.

MARIA: “Wow, amazing night! Well, D.W.A and MBSEL wouldn’t be so great if we didn’t have one thing. Celebrities!”

OWEN HART: “So here is a look back at some of the celebrities featured on the show!”

D.W.A AND MBSEL CELEBRITIES 2004

The first and most notable is of course, Johnny Ramone. His corpse was the center of fetish for the first night and subsequent shows after. If the corpse wasn’t willingly to be screwed, we wouldn’t be here today.

The next would have to be Michael Jackson, who appeared and beat Dallas Darke for his own apperication title. He would go onto be the feature of many angles that were beyond imagination. From molesting children, to fighting for his freedom, to facing a Nazi in a dance-off, he showed us how to live. Unfortunally, he was slaughtered by a racist shark who ate him.

What about Eminem? He debuted to combat Michael Jackson, but got side tracked by the Black Guy. The two rapped, fought and probably made love backstage in perhaps one of the most gruesome and well fought out matches in the history of MBSEL. He turned his attention back to Michael Jackson in D.W.A, but was eaten before they could duke it out! Jay-Z and Kanye West showed up, one night only to escort The Black Guy down to the ring.

What about Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter? She was the basis of an abduction and a liberation which has led to some of the biggest changes in the history of professional wrestling? And now, she is part of a rebel group trying to bring down the Forces of Evil with a Lobster, a man with one hand, a robot and well, a Chewbaca rip-off! Pansy Division and Rupert Everett, two mainstays in the queer culture showed up to stand behind Julian Snakes and the Mango Kid, than friends now enemies.

John Kerry and George Bush feuded over the rights to the United States of America and D.W.A. And in the end, both were duped by the Duck, perhaps the most diabolical force in the entire world. Or how about Jennifer Lopez and her B-Movie buddies? Yeah, they got like 5 seconds air time, who the hell cares? Lest we not forget Chyna, X-Pac and Ron Jeremy who showed up last week to prove to the world – porn stars have other talents too!

But what does 2005 have in store? We guarantee that their will be more cameo appearances, including a few more from Nelly who we heard backstage grumbling about how he hated the Duck. Perhaps a D.W.A deal is in the making? And we can’t forget about the fact we heard recent sources talking about a possible huge ACTOR and ACTRESS having some interest in appearing on MBSEL television. Furthermore, current President John Kerry is expected to return to D.W.A… with lots of fire power. The camera pans back to Maria The Update Woman and Owen Hart.

OWEN HART: “Moment #9 on the Top Moments was one of my personal favorites, mainly because my new boss did a great job of pulling the wool over the eyes of Dallas Darke.”

MARIA: “Not only did the Duck pull a fast one on Darke… he did on the entire world when he killed MBSEL. It rocked the foundation of the entire wrestling world and since vibrations up my cunt”

TOP MOMENT #9: MBSEL IS DEAD?!?

DALLAS DARKE: “I KNOW WHAT YOUR PLAN IS. And the world does to. You two are out for WORLD DOMINATION. I fired that bastard Duck and sent him straight to hell.”

JOHN KERRY: “We were afraid you’d catch wind and fire The Duck. But it doesn’t matter anymore. We are intent on World Domination, but only because I, with my party, am the only people who can carry the World on their shoulders.”

~~~~

JOHN KERRY: “Think again! The only think that will be oppressed is the American’s and their Capitalism. I am setting out to crush all Americans, their economy and THERE FREEDOM. And this starts in Wrestling. Dallas, Dallas, Dallas. You assumed far too often that you’d never have competition. You always told yourself… you’d never have competition. Well, competition is here.”

The lights dim and than from behind Dallas, appears his brother Caleb wearing a suit and a tie. Caleb walks down the aisle and into the ring. Caleb wears a smile about three miles wide as he picks up the microphone.

CALEB DARKE: “I WARNED YOU! I told you to watch your back. Just so you’d tell me… no. You’d tell me I was a liar, you’d tell me that I junked too much out on cocaine. Well, Dallas, you are a dead man! A dead man, because I have the power. John Kerry has offered me and the Duck government funding for a new wrestling promotion.”

DALLAS DARKE: “You’ll never be able to compete with me. I’ve got all the talent in the world…”

CALEB DARKE: “Locked in open, verbal contracts. Paid per show, baby. So I just decided that I’d swoop in and shove this fire cracker straight up your ass. That is right, Dallas, we are conquering the world. You realize that we were offered a television slot on Tuesday night’s live on PLAYBOY TELEVISION!”

DALLAS DARKE: “You bastards! You bastards! We have a weekly PPV the day before!”

CALEB DARKE: “Not anymore. No, defintely not anymore. Unless of course… you have a roster. I’ve raided your roster and I’ve left you dead and dry. I have taken all the big names. I have taken everything! Caleb Darke, The Duck, Nancy Catalogue, Johnny Colorado…”

The camera pans back to the award show, and Owen Hart and Maria The Update Woman are being upstaged by Triple L {2401-LEG}, who looks very happy to be in attendance at the show.

TRIPLE L (2401-LEG}: “Being in a group setting is perhaps one of the greatest luxuries in the entire world. Being surrounded by people who are willingly to watch your back can make any match easier. Having some of the greatest wrestlers around you can lead to greatness in yourself. And not having back-up can lead to many bad things in your career.”

OWEN HART: “Yeah, like your leg could be blown off by a rocket launcher!”

TRIPLE L (2401-LEG}: “Yes… uh, okay lets move on. I am here to present the award for Best Stable. And to be honest, there have been some pretty good stables to be had in the MBSEL and D.W.A. Coming in at third place was a stable full of three brothers who knew how to watch each others backs. The only reason they are so low on the list is due to the fact they haven’t done anything, at all. The Chaos Brothers! Wow, wow, okay, get the applause out of the way and lets move onto the runner-up. This stable made sure that everyone was safe, no matter who you were. I personally thought them to be the Best Stable of 2004, but unfortunally they are the runners-up. The Forces Of Good led by Lobster himself. And to my dismay, the winner for Best Stable of 2004 was a dominate force in MBSEL and made it’s force known in D.W.A. They had members like the Duck, Nancy Catalogue, 101010101010101010, Eminem, Wendell Mehitler, Johnny Colorado, Chris Flare and of course, the leader who will be accepting the award… Dallas Darke for the stable known as the Darke Collective!”

The camera pans to Dallas Darke who looks shocked to have won two awards thus far into the evening. Dallas Darke stands up and waves to the fans as he goes up onto the stage to collect the award. Dallas Darke has a tear rolling down his face.

DALLAS DARKE: “Wow, two awards. Unbelievable. See, the Darke Collective was the most dominant force in wrestling for the several weeks it was together. Perhaps if we had stuck together, we could have dominated the entire wrestling world, but we already saw what happened. I was stabbed in the back by the entire stable. So this award is really for me and Chris Flare, the two most important wrestlers in the entire world. Fuck you, Duck. Fuck you, Nancy. Fuck you, Wendell. Fuck you, Johnny Colorado!”

Dallas Darke heads back to his table with the trophy for Best Stable in hand. The fans are left in shock after the curse-fest Dallas Darke just embarked upon. But no time to slow down here, we’ve got to get the show on the road.

OWEN HART: “Wow, that was quite the curse-fest, but what can you do? But anyways, we’ve got to keep the show rolling along. We’ve only got a certain amount of time and plus, I’ve gained wind of a huge band who is apparently going to be playing for the fans at the end of the night.”

MARIA: “Onto moment #8 of the Top Moments of 2004. This match was a culmination since week #1 and it never resolved a single thing. In fact, it only helped to reveal more of the plot.”

OWEN HART: “The Duck is a girl? And The Duck is the father of Lobster? Yes, that is right. The Forces of Evil versus the Forces Of Good will go down as perhaps one of the greatest matches in the history of wrestling for the simple fact Lobster fought against the odds and managed to win.”

MARIA: “And the shock at the end had us all in awe.”

TOP MOMENT #8: THE FORCES OF EVIL VS. THE FORCES OF GOOD

As Nancy Catalogue retreats to the apron, Lobster rolls Harold Agnes into a small little package and the referee makes the very fast three count. Harold Agnes has been eliminated so soon from the match.

~~~

Wait… Nancy Catalogue is in the ring with a chair and he hits Lobster with great force! Lobster falls to the mat and the referee calls for the bell! Nancy Catalogue has been disqualified! Nancy Catalogue is about to level Lobster with a second shot, but wait… 1010101010101010 has entered the ring and begins a brawl with Nancy Catalogue to the back.

~~~

Wendell picks up Lobster once again and he power slams him for the second time. The Duck quacks at Wendell, but he doesn’t listen he picks up Lobster for the third power slam. As he hoists Lobster onto his shoulders, Lobster slides down and he manages to roll up Wendell, except he locks in one hell of an ankle lock. Lobster squeezes the hold tightly as Wendell cries for help. The Duck shakes his head no, sending a message he made a mistake. Wendell grabs for the ropes, but Lobster won’t let him! He won’t let him god-dammit! Wendell has nothing left in his system, he simply passes out from the pain. The referee acknowledges the elimination and Lobster has knocked Wendell Mehitler down a peg, leaving Lobster and Duck to brawl.

~~~

“QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!” exclaims the Duck; Lobster gasps in complete and utter shock.

” You mean… you mean… I can’t believe it.”

“Quack quack quack, quack.” The Duck exclaims once more.

“You are… my …mother!”

Well that is a shock; The Duck had a fucking vagina all of this time and here I am reporting it as a GUY!

Lobster is overwhelmed with shock. The Duck raises the rocket launcher and fires it. Lobster tries to dodge the rocket, but it blows his one pincher right off! Blood squirts everywhere, soaking the people in the first few rows. Lobster rolls out of the ring with the new-found injury and rushes to the back. The referee makes the ten count and Lobster has been officially counted out. The Duck is victor, a woman and the father of a Lobster. Holy,fucking,shit.

MARIA: “Wow, quite the match-up there. With an ending that was amazing.”

OWEN HART: “Yes, it was quite the ending and I must say, watching that show I was in complete shock. Who would have thought that the Duck was a woman all this time. One bad-ass woman to boot!”

MARIA: “What? Can’t a woman be a bad-ass?”

OWEN HART: “Hey, I am all for equal rights if you gals are willingly to stay in the kitchen and bake me a cake!”

The stage lights up with hot pink lighting. The two lesbians, Jordan Benjamin and Miranda Darke make their way onto the stage with baseball bats in hand. Owen Hart runs away from the podium avoiding an almost near beat-down. Maria is once again left without a co-host. Julian Snakes makes his way onto the stage and he is perhaps going to assume the role as co-host.

JULIAN SNAKES: “Baby, you want a co-host who isn’t going to think of you as a sexual object, take me I won’t feel attracted to you.”

MARIA: “Alright. Well, it is that time again. A flash back here and this time we are going back to the first “big show” that MBSEL put on. It was quite the card and although I wasn’t there, you were Julian.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “It was a fantastic evening and I must say, everyone in the back knew we were making magic when we onto stage. We also knew that we’d all have new jobs the next day, thanks to my ex-hubby Caleb Darke. So here you go, a clip of the first MBSEL big show.”

MBSEL FIRST BIG SHOW

Maria the Update Woman made her debut and gave us an update on the Forces of Good. Lobster and his robot companion were lost in the woods with Harumph, an alien. Hand Solo was locked in spaghetti. And Eiwehc was just himself.

The Black Guy and Eminem clashed in one hell of a cage match, that had us all cheering or jeering. The Black Guy was victorious in one hell of a match. The Zombies clashed with Johnny Colorado and his whore. And Johnny Colorado managed to be victorious with the help of a sledgehammer. He dedicated the win to his blind wife, who couldn’t see the truth about her husband.

Pansy Division squared off against Christ Love in a rock-off. And it was a rock-off of epic proportions that had the queer as folk Pansy Division winning with 3 of the 3 votes. Even Pastor Gheorge voted with them, saying Christ Love BLEW. The Mango Kid easily beat Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Group, like he had done twice before.

Dallas Darke fired the Duck, but it wouldn’t matter. Wendell Mehitler, Joe and Michael Jackson squared off in a three way dance. Joe was put in a rough spot, to chose his love or safety. He chose neither and pinned Wendell Mehitler after Joe hit both Wendell and Michael Jackson!

John Kerry, the Duck and Caleb Darke duped Dallas Darke and attempted to destroy MBSEL. And in the main event, we saw one heck of a Drowned A Baby Match between the Superheroes and Team Generic. Team Generic managed to drown the baby before the Superheroes and managed to retain their Kill-A-Baby Tag-Team Titles.

The camera pans back to the award show where Maria and Julian Snakes are applying make-up to each other. Both notice the camera, but neither really pay attention to it.

MARIA: “Okay, okay. Apply some more lip stick honey. Any ways, moment #7 is one of my personal favorite. It was on the very first show and it featured almost all of the wrestlers in the MBSEL at the time. And Johnny Ramone was there too.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “It was a battle royale to end ALL battle royales and would be talked about for weeks as the one of the most definitive aspects of MBSEL. Here you go, we present the Battle Royale in its entirety!”

TOP MOMENT #7: NECROPHILLIA BATTLE ROYALE

The cast of wrestlers involved is amazing. From the get go, the hatred is already established. Moe and Joe attack AIDSMon and Salvador Seizure are at each others throats and never give up. Lobster and The Duck immediately attack each other. The Duck eventually body slams Lobster and goes for a leg drop but misses. Antman tries to show his super human powers, but really he has none.

Suicidal Patrick yells at Big Chaos to break his neck. Big Chaos is confused as to what is going on. Suicidal Patrick slaps Big Chaos and tells him to break his neck. Big Chaos grabs Suicidal Patrick and choke slams him over the top. Suicidal Patrick easily recovers from the fall, but throws a histy fit. He keeps yelling, “Someone kill me!” Suicidal people… can’t live with them, can’t live without them! AIDSMon takes a vicious punch to the head and he is busted open! Everyone steps away from AIDSMon, fully aware they could get AIDS!

Fly-On-The-Wall proceeds to climb to the top and goes for a high risk move, but Herald Agnes the elderly History teacher bounces off the ropes and eliminates Fly-On-The-Wall! Lobster and The Duck are really at each others throats. Eventually Nancy Catalogue tries to interfere, but gets attacked by Moe and Joe! Joe kicks the shins of Nancy Catalogue! Ted the Zombie grabs the head of Joe and tries to eat his brains! Joe jumps over the top and eliminates himself, avoiding a brain feast. AIDSMon tries to spread his AIDs to a few wrestlers in the ring, but a mutiny breaks out and they toss AIDSMon over the top rope. I guess Johnny Ramone won’t get AIDS after all!

Julian Snakes tries to partake in some risky behavior, like spanking Moe The Midget, but Carlos the Catholic tugs on the chain keeping them together. The two have a little spat that ends with them both getting tossed over the top by The Duck and Lobster respectively. 1010101010101, Nancy Catalogue and Duck all triple team Lobster and try to toss him over the top, but fail hopelessly. In fact, Nancy Catalogue is tossed over accidentally by 1010101010101 who had a short circuit! The motionless 1010101010101 is an easy elimination for Lobster!

Harold Agnes is the next to be eliminated by The Mango Kid who made his presence felt by distracting Harold Agnes while Moe gave him a wedgie and tossed him over the top. Big Chaos tries to hit his sixth choke slam on Ted The Zombie, but Johnny Colorado manages to throw him over the top! Little Chaos tries to stick up for his older brother by rushing Johnny Colorado, but he just gets tossed over the top rope. And Medium Chaos doesn’t get to feel left out as the Duck delivers a huge power bomb, that sends Medium Chaos to the floor.

The wrestlers remaining are Johnny Colorado, Ted the Zombie, Salvador Seizure, Triple L{2401}, Moe, Lobster, The Duck and Antman! Antman tries to “Ant” himself up, but this doesn’t work as he is easy pickings for Ted The Zombie! When Antman hits the floor, he yells about the unjust within the world like cancer and poverty. Stop bitching, baby! The corpse is very low to the ground, so low you can almost touch it!

Salvador Seizure is up top and he signals for a drop kick, but he has a Seizure! Oh, no, he has fallen to the floor and been eliminated from the match. All chances of physically disabled champion in MBSEL aren’t out just yet, we still got Moe! Triple L {2401} gets caught up in how awesome his name is and he sees his chances dashed when Moe gorilla press slams him to the floor below [damn that Midget is strong]. And in another strange twist of fates, The Duck tosses over Moe with a breath taking drop kick, and now all chances of a physically disabled champion… DASHED!

Ted the Zombie and Johnny Colorado have apparently decided to double team Lobster while Duck sits off to the side and idly watches. Ted The Zombie is the next to be tossed over when Lobster manages to hit a hurricrana that sends him to the outside! Johnny Colorado and The Duck make a make shift team, but Johnny Colorado goes for the drop kick on Lobster, but hits The Duck and that eliminates him from the match. Oh, The Duck got served!

Johnny Colorado and Lobster are the two remaining super stars and Johnny Ramones rotting corpse lie just inches away. Johnny Colorado goes for a clothes line, but Lobster ducks it and hits a perfect swinging neck breaker. Lobster climbs all the way to the top rope and hits the Shooting Star Press! Lobster proceeds to insert his Lobster penis into Johnny Ramone! And you’d better believe it… Lobster has penetrated the rock star and has won himself the Johnny Ramone Necrophillia Title!

Post-match, the new JRN Champion waves to the fans and celebrates. The Duck simply walks up the ramp giving him a look of disgust and it appears as though he now has more to avenge than just a lost water bottle!

The camera is back at the award show and we have a special guest presenter here tonight. Standing hold a trophy is none other than Vin Diesel, famous Hollywood actor and very tough man. I once saw him lift weights with his penis as well.

VIN DIESEL: “Wow, tonight has been a whirlwind. Not only did I learn a lot about myself, but I learn a lot but MBSEL and D.W.A. And hopefully you guys have too. When two people hook up as a team, it is usually very interesting. Look at some of the great duos of all time. Bonnie and Clyde, Ike and Tina, Courtney and Kurt, Abbott and Costello amongst others. Coming in third place for best tag-team of the year is… The Chaos Brothers. They are perhaps the only team that has been together since the inception of MBSEL and D.W.A. and despite having won very few matches, they prove that blood is thicker than water. The runner-up may surprise you, I personally thought they’d win the award. They recently competed in one of the greatest matches in D.W.A history and have sold a whole lot of records. Christ Love, in second place. But who won the award? You must be on the edge of your seat wondering. This team is undefeated, have won TWO titles in both MBSEL and D.W.A. and one of them bones his sister. Team Generic, Mike and Gene Smith!”

The two brothers who are awkwardly sitting at the same table with the sister, Eleinfant Killer and Ronald Feature get up. They both head towards the stage and don’t seem to acknowledge each other exist. Mike Smith is the first to speak, as he cuts off his brother.

MIKE SMITH: “I’d like to thank everyone who made this possible. None of the dumb-ass fans that’s for sure. And to be honest, Jesus never really happened me out either. My parents never did anything. Hey, you know what? I am the only one to thank for this award. Thank’s Mikey for making this award possible. Oh well, your welcome Mike!”

GENE SMITH: “I’d first like to thank Mike, you were a great tag-team partner. And I’d next like to thank Mary Smith, my sister who has been there for me since day #1. And Ronald Feature, you are a great best-friend.”

Mike Smith has had enough of this, he slaps his brother across the face. The two tackle each other to the floor and roll around stangling each other. Security try to remove each other from their throats, but it is impossible. Instead we roll up to the next Top Moment… #6

TOP MOMENT #6: GEORGE BUSH vs. JOHN KERRY

John Kerry picks up the chair and he readies to hit George Bush. As George Bush struggles to his feet, John Kerry slams the chair right into the spine of George Bush. The referee tries to talk John Kerry out of using the chair, but John Kerry refuses, he gets ready for another chair shot.

As George Bush struggles to his feet, John Kerry sets up for the second chair shot. This time he hits George Bush square in the forehead with the chair shot. John Kerry watches as George Bush falls over and lands on the mat. John Kerry drops the chair and he decides to pin George Bush, and he gets the one—two---th…no! George Bush kicked out at the very last second

John Kerry gets to his feet first and he goes to grab the chair, but George Bush pulls it away before he can grab it. John Kerry backs off into the corner aware that George Bush has the chair in his possession now. George Bush gets to his feet and he curses at John Kerry. John Kerry pleads with George Bush to put down the chair, but George Bush refuses. George Bush lays the steel right onto the forehead of John Kerry, making him fall to the mat. George Bush throws the chair to the outside now and he covers John Kerry. One---two---thre… no! John Kerry kicks out now at the very last second.

~~~

John Kerry and George Bush both get up to their feet now and John Kerry manages to gain the upper hand and he picks George Bush up into the air. John Kerry body slams him right onto the top of the cell. George Bush is cautious though, as he immediately rolls off the place he landed. The same place where he landed soon becomes very loose. John Kerry proceeds to kick the Cell away and there is a huge hole in the top of the Cell.

John Kerry and George Bush both get up to their feet and they are going punch for punch again. The Duck approaches both men, sledge-hammer in his wings and he winds up. The Duck swings the sledgehammer and he connects. The sledgehammer connects with the skull, causing him to fall from the Cell all the way down into the ring falling through the hole in the Cell. The fans are in complete and utter disbelief as John Kerry lays unconscious in the ring, The Duck stands with a menacing grin on his face, and George Bush stands untouched by the sledge hammer.

George Bush carefully drops down into the Cell and he walks over to the fallen body of John Kerry, who is without a doubt down and out after that shot to the head. George Bush places his foot on the fallen body of John Kerry and the referee makes the three count. George Bush is victorious here tonight and with the help of who we all believed to be his worst rival – The Duck!

The camera pans back to Julian Snakes and Maria the Update Woman who are on the stage where just five seconds ago Mike and Gene Smith ducked it out after winning the tag-team of the year award. There is irony in that.

MARIA: “Well, it is time to present the next award and I must say, this is one of my favorites. Because we all have seen one of these every once and a while.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “Precisely Maria, it is an award everyone can relate to. It is the Top Finishers of 2004! There were great finishers, from the Swanton Bomb of Dallas Darke to the Rocker Launcher of the Duck. But neither of those took the award.”

MARIA: “Coming in third place is a relatively new entrant to the contest. The Zombies recently debuted it at a D.W.A. show and has since been a fan favorite. The Graveyard Plant is your third place. Wow, I really thought it might win.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “Not me! Any ways, onto the runner-up. Many said it was the finisher of 2004 that no one could kick out of! And to be honest, a lot of people didn’t. But the panel of judges didn’t feel that way. The Token is the runner-up!”

MARIA: “Wow, what could be first place?”

JULIAN SNAKES: “The Crushed Mangoes is first place. But unfortunately, that son of a bitch the Mango Kid ain’t here to accept it.”

The Pineapple Kid stands up and heads towards the podium. He grabs the trophy from his boy-friend, Julian Snakes and raises it in the air. The Pineapple Kid shoves Maria aside and is apparently going to say something.

THE PINEAPPLE KID: “I am here to accept this award on behalf of my brother. He didn’t deserve the award! All he did was grab another mans penis. And now he is in Iraq, and probably dead. Good. I hate him and hope he is dead.”

The Pineapple Kid grabs a flame thrower from somewhere near the stage and he places the trophy on the ground. The Pineapple Kid proceeds to torch the trophy of his brother, Mango Kid. The Pineapple Kid proceeds to laugh diabolically as the fans watch in dismay. Fire crews come out to extinguish the flame and police escort the Pineapple Kid from the arena and we head to Moment #5.

TOP MOMENT #5: JOE IS DEAD.

Eminem and Wendell Mehitler go to the door, open it and close it. Joe travels to the door and he locks it behind them. Joe sits on a bench and relaxes, looking over his shoulder ever so often. All of the sudden, in the door way behind Joe, Michael Jackson appears.

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Hello Joe.”

JOE: “Holy shit!”

Joe rushes for the door, but Michael Jackson pulls a butcher knife from his pocket and he smiles.

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Don’t move you sexy twelve year old.”

JOE: “Alright, don’t stab me.”

Michael Jackson approaches Joe and stabs him straight in the stomach. Joe looks down at his stomach as he cannot believe what has just happened.

JOE: “You…”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Stabbed you…”

JOE: “What? Why?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Because. I had too. If I can’t have you, you must be dead. Joe… I … really cared about you.”

JOE: “Michael… I loved you… but you hurt me…”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “I hope this stab wound is the last hurt you ever receive. I love you.”

Joe is now hunched over his wound, nearing his death bed. Michael Jackson bends over and he raises Joe’s head with his hands. Michael Jackson softly kisses Joe on the lips as the blood spills out of his body. Joe gasps for air, as Michael Jackson releases his hold. Michael Jackson slowly walks away and Joe gasps for air once more… but there isn’t any there.

MARIA: “Wow, pretty intense moment. I am sure that somewhere, Joe is living happy watching this event knowing he was included. Our thoughts and prayers are with him.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “Not me. He was a cunt backstage. Always stealing stuff from my bag and not owning up to it.”

MARIA: “We are getting down to the end of the show here with 4 more top moments and three awards STILL to be handed out. So lets get to the next award and we have a guest on hand to give out the next award. Please put your hands together for Canadian Prime Minister, Paul Martin!!!”

Paul Martin walks onto the stage with the trophy in his hand and he generally looks pleased to be there. Paul Martin first speaks, but the microphone doesn’t pick up the sound. It does the second time around.

PAUL MARTIN: “There are things that cannot be explained sometimes. It can be science, it can just be flat out bizarre or it can be a very emotional time. In Wrestling, this happens often! At times it can be a soap opera, at times it can be a crack binge, at times it can be a circus. So an award was created called the Best W-T-F. And that stands for What the Fudge! Coming in at third place is a shock too many, but does anyone truly know what he is. Eihewc, member of the Forces Of Good, a force I certainly can get behind as the Prime Minister of Canada. Coming in second place is the only transsexual in wrestling to my knowledge and more power to it. Nancy Catalogue is the runner-up for the award. And in first place, this SHOULDN’T come as a surprise to anyone, but the winner for the W-T-F Award is Michael Jackson. Here to accept the award is a pedophile.”

A pedophiles walks onto stage and grabs the trophy before shaking the Canadian Prime Ministers hand.

PEDOPHILE: “Michael Jackson touched a lot of lives and a lot of preteen boys. As a young boy, looking up to Michael Jackson was a good thing. He fucked little boys and was able to get away with it. He was an inspiration to all of us, on the level of Ghandi, Jesus Christ amongst others. The fact he is dead angers me. So I have set out to kill the enemy of Michael Jackson… Stephen the Disgruntled and Racist Shark! I shall kill you, you son of a bitch for the memory of Michael Jackson, one of the greatest souls ever!”

Pedophiles carries the trophy to the backstage area as it leaves the audience in shock. Perhaps we have another W-T-F award winning moment on our hands…. A Pedophile extracting revenge on a racist shark for the killing of his pedophile idol. Oh yes.

JULIAN SNAKES: “Any-ways it is time to present to you the top moment #4. And to be honest, I love this one since I was partially involved!”

TOP MOMENT #4: SUICIDAL PATRICK COMMITS… SUICIDE.

But wait, the camera switches to the top of the set where Suicidal Patrick has a microphone in hand, “I’ve been struggling for to long to make it in the business, to find a wife and to start a family. I am going to end it all here and now, good-bye!”

Suicidal Patrick tosses the microphone down to the pavement floor and it breaks open. Suicidal Patrick blows a kiss to the fans and he is going to jump… wait, a voice booms over the PA system… “Suicidal Patrick… do not end your life…” The camera pans to Carlos Catholic, “the good Lord looks down upon practices of self-mutilation and pain infliction! Do not do this, the good Lord loves you!”

Suicidal Patrick and the audience have their attention set on what is happening on the stage, but the camera captures the more important “wrestling” events, as Johnny Colorado sneaks up behind Julian Snakes and rolls him up. The referee makes the three count and Johnny Colorado has retained his Johnny Ramone Necrophillia Title. Johnny Colorado slides to the outside and raises the title high above his head! Johnny Colorado leaves through the crowd to avoid the entire debacle occurring on the set.

“Two years was too long to pretend… I hate my life and so does everyone living… good-bye!”

Suicidal Patrick slams the chair into his forehead, he drops the chair and it lands on the set. At the same time, Suicidal Patrick free-falls behind the curtain to the pavement floor below. . A loud thud is heard so sickening, that it can only be compared to a car crash. The fans gasp in complete shock over the events. Carlos Catholic rushes to the back, with the referee and Julian Snakes!

Team Germany, Hien and Himler are back on the stage and running amok, shoving the crew around and the such. Julian Snake tries to intervene, only to get shoved down to the floor.

HIEN: “Töten Sie alle Kinder. Ertrinken Sie sie in den Ozeanen des Bluts.”

HIMLER: “Das Auto läuft, wir würde verbessern Verriegelung es.”

The Superheroes, Antman and Bone Boy proceed to rush the stage. A mini-brawl starts up, which ends with Team Germany on the floor and fleeing the arena. But Antman stops them with his booming voice.

ANTMAN: “Hey, Team Germany. Me and my partner in crime here are laying down a little challenge here. You think you guys are tough, picking on innocent announcers and queers. Well, how about this here. A Best of 7 Match between Team Germany and the Superheroes. The winner will walk away with these here titles Cellphones Are For Pricks Tag-Team Titles. And the winning team gets to take them back to their wrestling federation.”

BONE BOY: “Let me at them now Antman, I want to feed them my huge bone right now!”

The camera pans back to Himler who is nodding his head in agreement of the stipulations of the match. The camera pans back to Antman and Bone Boy who are going to present the next award apparently.

ANTMAN: “There are many bad-guys in the world of wrestling. Some better than others. And here we are tonight, as Superheroes to acknowledge the worst in wrestling. This was a hard category to award, as the Best Heel is hard to assign. There were many including bigoted incest brothers, wannabe Nazi’s amongst others. But we thought that the top three were right.”

BONE BOY: “That is right.”

ANTMAN: “Thanks for that Bone Boy. Coming in at third place is a man we are all familiar with. His name is Dallas Darke. And not only did he rule MBSEL with an iron fist, he managed to quash any challengers for his throne. Dallas Darke put to rest many challengers both inside the ring and outside. But he couldn’t put down them all, so we didn’t think he deserved first place.”

BONE BOY: “The runner-up comes as a surprise probably to many. He has been hated since day #1 and has done a lot. He forced a man to kill himself, he cheated on his blind-wife with a hooker he later tried to beat-up, he tossed a woman through a window, he cut off a woman’s leg and through it all we hated him each step of the way. Johnny Colorado, you are the runner-up for the Best Heel of 2004.”

ANTMAN: “And who else could have won? Conquering the world of wrestling by literally killing the competition, he almost forced the third place heel out of the wrestling business. The Duck, held a diabolical scheme to conquer the world of wrestling. The Duck is indeed the Heel of 2004.”

The Duck and Nancy Catalogue walk up to the stage and accept the trophy. The Duck is too small to speak into the microphone, so long time friend Nancy Catalogue boosts him up.

THE DUCK: ‘”Quack, quack, quack.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “The Duck just wanted to say his plan isn’t over, because 2005 is the biggest year. He plans to conquer not only the wrestling world, but the ENTIRE WORLD. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

Rapper Nelly appears from behind the curtain and attacks the two men. Punches are thrown left and right and the two sides are eventually seperated. Nelly spits on the Duck, which is a huge insult in the Duck world. The Duck looks ready to strangle Nelly, his eyes with tons of emotion. Instead, we head to the top moment #3.

TOP MOMENT #3: THE DANCE-OFF

The lights dim in the arena, a lone spotlight fills the ring. Beat It by Michael Jackson plays. The two stand in the middle of the ring. The two strut forward and with their bodies bouncing to the beat of the music. Michael Jackson shoves Wendell Mehitler and with the force of the shove, claps his hands falls down to a splits and raises his hands in the air. And with great ease he seems to slide right back to his feet. Michael Jackson points at Wendell Mehitler, snaps his fingers and shakes his head.

Wendell Mehitler proceeds to the robot dance, and he probably learnt a lot of the moves from former stable-mate 1010101010101010. And after a brief 5 seconds of such he throws his elbows backwards and slides backwards. Wendell Mehitler stops, does a huge half spin and lands on his knees.

Michael Jackson approaches Wendell Mehitler, snapping his fingers and leaning forward. Wendell Mehitler walks backwards, leaning backwards clapping his hands. Eventually Wendell finds himself in the corner so he begins to move forward and snap his fingers. Michael Jackson slowly leans backwards and claps his hands like Wendell was previously.

The two find themselves dead center in the ring and Michael Jackson points at Wendell Mehitler and begins to tap dance. With great ease, Michael Jackson fills the arena with the sound of his shoes hitting the mat. Michael Jackson falls down to one knee, rolls forwards and pops up to his feet nearly hitting Wendell Mehitler in the process. As a result, Wendell Mehitler does a perfect back-flip!

The two find themselves in the middle of the ring, dead center once again. The two walk to opposite sides of the ropes and with their bodies beating to the beat, they play up to the ground in dance-like fashion. It is unbelievable how intense their movements are. The 7 foot Wendell uses the ropes to do a spring-board back flip and Michael Jackson struts forward and confronts him in the middle of the ring.

Wendell Mehitler mouths the words, “beat my back-flip.”

Michael Jackson looks at the crowd and yells, “who could go for a Moon-Walk right now?”

The fans explode in a cheer and the lights go down. A howling explodes across the arena and Thriller by Michael Jackson plays. The lights flick back on and Michael Jackson now adorns a top hat. Michael Jackson points to the crowd in anticpation. One second of the Moon-Walk and Wendell Mehitler sells a punch. Another and another punch from Wendell Mehitler. Eventually the power of the Moon-Walk is so much that Wendell Mehitler is on his knees tapping out.

Michael Jackson is victorious in the Dance-Off! Michael Jackson raises his hands in victory, but what the hell? Eminem is in the ring with a chair. He waits for Michael Jackson to turn around and he knocks him senseless. Eminem raises the chair in victory as he stands over the fallen carcass of Michael Jackson.

The camera pans back to Maria and Julian Snakes who look ready to go out to the after-party and get drunk. But alas, we still have two more moments and the last award of the night.

MARIA: “Wow, what a moment right there. I really loved each and every second of it.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “Ahh… me too. The producers over there are telling us to keep talking a while because there is a problem with the tape.”

MARIA: “So we decided to talk about the little guys that everyone forgets. People like Dave The Weatherman who puts his body on the line every week to bring you the news.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “Or how about Harold Agnes? He has been with the company since day #1, defeating the odds at a remarkable age. And his good-friend, The History Reenactor who is trying to bring history to all of the fans one person at a time.”

MARIA: “Or how about the likes of Cancerous Carl and Salvador Seizure who have fought for the company defeating odds left and right, including Salvador Seizure losing his best friend AIDSMon this past year. Or how about Moe, the friendly midget who seems to have gotten lost in the entire mess.”

JULIAN SNAKES: “So many faces seem to get loss in the mess and we feel guilty, because we don’t have enough time to show you all of the wrestlers and all of their struggles here in MBSEL and D.W.A.”

MARIA: “So it pains us to do this, but we do have bills to pay. Sally The Quarter Whore, fired. History Reenactor, fired. Cancerous Carl, fired. Sorry guys, you just weren’t making the cut and really we didn’t think there was much of a future for you. Lets get to the top moment #2… The Black Guy squaring off against Eminem in a battle beyond battles. ”

Edited January 2, 2005 by PunkRockPete

[RPS]

TOP MOMENT #2: THE BLACK GUY versus EMINEM

The Black Guy comes down to the ring to “99 Problems” by Jay-Z and escorted by Jay and Kanye. The Black Guy steps inside the cage, but before he does he high fives his two close friends. The Black Guy gets loosened up for the match. The lights dim and than “Voice Of The Voiceless” by Rage Against the Machine begins to play over the speakers. A huge pyro goes off and on the stage Dallas Darke appears with Wendell Mehitler. Behind them stands the man, dressed like he is straight from the ghetto, EMINEM.

These 3 men walk down the aisle and they certainly look like they are going to be a force to reckon with. Wendell Mehitler especially as he has perhaps a good foot on Jay-Z and Kanye West. Dallas Darke on the outside begins to taunt the two famous rappers and eventually gives them the fingers. Wendell Mehitler gets in the incase they wish to use force. Eminem steps into the cage and he raises his hands in the air as a pyro goes off. Eminem and The Black Guy have a stare down.

The referee has a microphone and he begins to speak, “this match will be decided in a best out of three victories style. The first task will be the free-style. The second task will be a pinfall. And if the third fall is needed, it will be an escape from the cage. Both men, I wish you the best of luck in this match. Free-styling first will be Eminem.”

Eminem picks up the microphone and he gets quite an enormous pop. Eminem raises his hands to take in the pop a little more. Eminem starts off without his free-style, “I just want to say… thank you to the fans who came out tonight. I just want to tell you guys that Dallas Darke is the mother-fucking man. I’d also like to say thank you to the referee, this is going to be dangerous and you are risking your life. And the Black Guy, you’re a stupid cunt, so shut the fuck up and lets throw this down.”

“You call yourself Black Guy,

But we all know it’s a lie.

You act more like you’re a gal,

I saw you fucking some dude named Sal!

A wrestler I ain’t, but I kick ass,

I’ll wrestle you till you run out of gas!

Pull out my nine and blow you to pieces,

Your no better than horses feces!”

The Black Guy has had enough as he slaps the taste right out of the mouth of Eminem! The Black Guy grabs the microphone and hits Eminem with it. The referee rings the bell and apparently the first victory has been awarded to Eminem! The Black Guy doesn’t care as he chops with viciousness the chest of Eminem. Eminem finds himself pinned against the ropes as the Black Guy chops him once again. The Black Guy rips open the white wife-beater of Eminem and chops him several more times.

The Black Guy grabs the hand of Eminem and he applies a wrist lock. The Black Guy applies pressure until Eminem manages to low blow The Black Guy. The Black Guy holds his crotch in pain while Eminem pulls from his tights … brass knuckles! Eminem slips them on as the Black Guy gets back to his feet. Eminem connects with a hard left and The Black Guy falls to the mat. Eminem covers and gets the one-two—thr… NO! The Black Guy kicks out. Eminem gets up to his feet and he signals for another left hand. The Black Guy struggles to his feet and Eminem hits him once again. The Black Guy doesn’t fall over, he simply falls against the ropes as he is already busted open.

Eminem taunts the fans as he is going to win this match with ease. Eminem sets up for the third and possibly final left hand… but The Black Guy ducks it and hits a roll-up. ONE-TWO-KICK OUT! The Black Guy almost had the victory but he didn’t quite get it. The Black Guy and Eminem are both up to there feet and the Black Guy grabs the left hand of Eminem and rips the brass knuckles off. The Black Guy throws them to the fans and the Brass knuckles have been taken out of the match.

The Black Guy kicks Eminem in the gut and DDT. The Black Guy gets up to his feet and he calls for Eminem to get up. Eminem struggles to his feet and the Black Guy charges at him and connects with a shoulder block. Eminem gets up to his feet again and The Black Guy takes him down with a cross body block. The Black Guy turns Eminem over, laying him on his chest. The Black Guy applies a camel clutch now and this could be the second fall decided right here.

Dallas Darke on the outside begins to climb the cage. Jay-Z appears out of nowhere and he shakes the cage. Dallas Darke stumbles back down to the ground and he gets in the face of Jay-Z. Dallas Darke mouths off until Jay-Z slaps him. Wendell appears behind Dallas and shoves Jay-Z. Jay shoves Wendell back and he ain’t steppin’ down. Jay-Z slaps Dallas and Wendell proceeds to choke him. Kanye West lays Wendell out with a chair shot!

Back in the ring now, The Black Guy has the move absolutely perfectly locked in. Eminem is screaming in pain as he grabs for the ropes. Eminem taps out and the Black Guy releases the hold and raises his hands. The referee regrettably in forms The Black Guy the match MUST be decided in pin-fall… not submission. The Black Guy is angered by this and he goes to apply the move once again, but Eminem slides out of the hold and he manages to grab a hold of the ropes as he lies on his back.

The Black Guy proceeds to lay the boots in very viciously. The Black Guy doesn’t soften the blow and he really lays in with the shots. The Black Guy lays off Eminem and proceeds to tell him to get up to his feet. Eminem stands up with a tire iron in his hands. The Black Guy ducks the first shot aiming for his head. Eminem strikes back, though, with a shot to the ribs. The Black Guy falls to the mat in pain and perhaps his ribs are broken.

Eminem climbs to the second rope and he signals for a devastating blow with the tire iron. But wait, Kanye West has managed to grab the tire iron through the cage and pull it out. Eminem is distracted as The Black Guy sneaks up on Eminem and grabs him and hits the Token off the second ROPE. The Black Guy covers and gets the 1-2-KICKOUT! Eminem has done the unthinkable and kicked out of The Black Guy’s finisher. The Black Guy tells the referee it was a slow count, but it clearly wasn’t.

Eminem and the Black Guy both struggle to their feet and The Black Guy goes for a clothes line, but Eminem reverses it right into a Rock Bottom, also known as the Black Guy’s finisher! Eminem has the victory in his hands as he covers. ONEEEE---TWOOOOO-THRE.. NO, The Black Guy kicks out at the very last moment. The fans are chanting T.B.G in unison as the Black Guy struggles to his feet with fury in his eyes.

Eminem taunts The Black Guy with a punch to the face. Eminem does a little dance and than punches him in the face once again. Eminem goes for a third shot, but The Black Guy strikes back with a right hand! And than a left! And than a right! And than a left! Eminem is reeling from the shots and he has also been busted open. The Black Guy connects with one helluva of an upper cut that knocks Eminem silly on his feet. The Black Guy sneaks up and drops him with The Token! The Black Guys covers and gets the one—two—three! The Black Guy has secured the second fall here tonight!

This match is already going down in the history books as a one hell of a match, but it ain’t over. The Black Guy is first to his feet and he signals that he is going to climb out. The Black Guy begins to scale the cage, but Dallas Darke will have none of it. He shakes the cage and the Black Guy cannot climb. Kanye West intervenes as he shoves Dallas Darke. Dallas Darke shoves him back and gets right in his face. Wendell Mehitler sneaks up behind Kanye West and axe handles him in the back. Wendell picks up Kanye West and tosses him right into the steel steps. Meanwhile, Dallas Darke slips into the ring… A TAZOR!

Eminem has a tazor in his hand and the Black Guy makes a motion to stop him, only to get shocked! Oh dear, The Black Guy is on the mat and he is defintely hurting. Eminem drops the tazor and he signals he is going to climb out. Eminem makes it all the way to the top, but Jay-Z takes a running start and he hits the cage. Eminem loses his balance and … he takes a free-fall from the top of the cage all the way to the middle of the ring. Eminem is out cold after such a daring fall. Wendell goes to attack Jay-Z, only to get knocked out with a brass knuckle shot. Dallas Darke and Jay-Z are the two body-guards left standing.

In the ring now, The Black Guy struggles to his feet and he is defintely feeling the effects of the tazor shot. The referee has the tazor and he is trying to take it out of the ring. The Black Guy grabs the referee by the throat and rips the tazor out of his hand. The Black Guy proceeds to temporarily shock Eminem! The referee revokes the tazor and throws it outside to another referee who disposes of it. The Black Guy grabs the referee by the neck and than shakes him. The referee shoves The Black Guy, so the Black Guy drops him with the Token!

The Black Guy begins to climb the cage, but Eminem is up to his feet in time to grab him by the leg. The Black Guy boots him in the face with the free-foot, but Eminem learns from his mistake and he pulls him down from the cage. The Black Guy falls down and he lands throat first on the ropes. The Black Guy falls backwards and he lands on the mat. Eminem signals that he ain’t done yet, Eminem climbs to the top rope and he slaps his elbow three times. Eminem takes to the air and connects with a hell of an elbow drop!

Eminem struggles to his feet and he signals he is going to climb out. Eminem begins his ascent of the cage, but the Black Guy quickly gets to his feet. The Black Guy begins to climb and he eventually stops Eminem as he crosses from one side to another. The Black Guy meets Eminem and they are at an equal height up. The two exchange lefts and rights as they carefully get to their feet. The Black Guy goes for a clothes line, but Eminem reverses it into the set up for the Token. The two briefly converse about the spot, before they take to the air. Eminem slams The Black Guy to the mat with the most brutal Token ever hit in an MBSEL ring.

Dallas Darke has seen enough of this match as he begins to climb the cage. Jay-Z cannot stop Dallas Darke as he is too high up. Wendell Mehitler is up to his feet this time and he grabs Jay-Z and throws him into the steel steps, right beside where Kanye West is! The two famous rappers have been disposed and the odds are stacked against the Black Guy. Dallas Darke helps Eminem to his feet and Dallas Darke encourages Eminem to climb the steel cage and escape. Eminem is totally out of it, in reality, because of the huge fall he just suffered. Eminem falls right over and Dallas Darke gets frustrated with Eminem as he helps him up.

The Black Guy has managed to get to his feet and he rushes at Dallas Darke and drops him with a clothes line. The Black Guy waits for Eminem to get up to his feet and he kicks him in the gut and he sets him up for a move. The Black Guy raises Eminem in the air and he drops him with a pile driver! The Black Guy could have crippled Eminem, but he doesn’t care as he climbs the steel cage and escapes! The Black Guy’s feet touches the floor and he has won the match. Wendell Mehitler tries to attack the Black Guy, but The Black Guy knocks him senseless with a chair shot.

The Black Guy walks over to Jay-Z and Kanye West who are recovering. They have a group hug and Jay-Z and Kanye West point to The Black Guy as the man who won the match. The Black Guy waves to the fans as the three men head to the back with nothing but pride. In the ring, Dallas Darke is a broken man who has lost everything, but still he has an announcement to make later on! Eminem is up to his feet now and he gives a fond farewell to the fans with a wave of his hand.

William Shatner, pop-culture icon, and Adam West, pop culture icon, are on the stage with an award that is huge. They have trouble holding up the trophy, but fortunately they will soon give it away to someone.

ADAM WEST: “We are here to hand out the big award of the evening, that being the Top Face of 2004. And I must admit, watching wrestling these past months I really cannot say that one has been beter than the others.”

WILLIAM SHATNER: “So true, Batman. Adam, it is interesting to see how people like Bone Boy and Antman are practically ripping off you.”

ADAM WEST: “What can I say, I am bigger than Jesus. But onto the award. Third place for the Top Face of 2004 is a controversial decision. He arguably is the driving force behind saving wrestling, but he never gets cheered. That man is Dallas Darke!”

The Black Guy is angered by this turn of events as he slams his fist down on the table he sits at. He stands up and approaches the stage, shoving the two old man aside.

THE BLACK GUY: “DALLAS DARKE. How dare you! You told me you nominated me for third place. You god-damn liar!”

ADAM WEST: “Please take a seat, sir. We all know black people don’t win any awards unless they rap.”

THE BLACK GUY: “How about you shut your cracka ass up!”

The Black Guy proceeds to slap Adam West. William Shatner shoves him from behind. The Black Guy drops William Shatner with one hell of a Token onto the podium. Adam West runs away from the Black Guy who chases him off through the backstage area. Maria and Julian decide to step up to continue the nominations.

MARIA: “Wow. I guess, Julian… we are going to continue this?”

JULIAN SNAKES: “Makes sense. Any-ways, so third place was the ever so controversial Dallas Darke. The next man is someone who doesn’t deserve to be on any list whatsoever. In fact, I refuse to announce who it is.”

MARIA: “Runner-up for the best face of 2004 is… The Mango Kid!”

JULIAN SNAKES: “And here is … the man of the hour who is by far one of the most over wrestlers in the entire wrestling world… the Face of 2004, Lobster!”

Lobster proceeds to walk up onto the stage to pick up the trophy for best Face of 2004, the most luxurious award of 2004.

LOBSTER: “Wow, I can’t believe I won, I have come a far way. I’d like to thank the deceased mentor of mine, LOWK. You were killed by my mother, but you live in my heart forever. I’d like to thank Hand Solo, 101010101010101010, Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter, The Black Guy, Eiwehc for being by my side whenever I fought a battle. I’d also like to thank my nemesis’s in the ring… Dallas Darke, the Duck, John Kerry, The Rolling Stones, Jennifer Lopez. And I’d like to thank each and every person in the audience who ever supported me. But I’d like to make a huge announcement. I know that I a wrestler under the MBSEL brand, but I have resigned from the company. And I have signed a contract with… D.W.A. I plan to destroy D.W.A. and I don’t want the help of The Forces of Good. They shall continue to fight in MBSEL for the Good of the World. But I shall topple the evil forces in D.W.A… alone. Thank you very much.”

Lobster leaves the stage and he is now a member of the D.W.A roster. Oh no, MBSEL just took another hit in terms of talent on their roster. William Shatner manages to straggle to his feet, although he is still a little shaky after being hit.

WILLIAM SHATNER: “Where am I? Oh, yeah this god forsaken award show. God-dammit, it is already over. But I am supposed to announce this big musical number we’ve got coming on before the Top Moment of 2004 is revealed… please put your hands together for…”

William Shatners microphone cuts out and the camera pans to Christ Love who is on the stage now with their own instruments in hand. The fans give them a pretty bad reaction, but Christ Love proceed to get ready to perform.

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Shut-up, shut-up, Christ Love knows that you didn’t want to see that other band. You wanted to see some good wholeseome Christian band play for all you fans tonight. Are you guys ready to rock and roll?”

Wait, from behind the curtain appears Jewish Rapper and Adam Goldberg with chairs in their hands. They proceed to start up a mini-brawl with Christ Love. The odds are too much though as there are 4 members of Christ Love. From behind the curtain though, The Beastie Boys appear! The Beastie Boys help The Jewish Street Crew to discard Christ Love by tossing them into the crowd of fans who simply spit and punch them.

JEWISH RAPPER: “Here to perform for each and every one of you guys are some guys we love to death. They are rappers, just like us and we also have some other shared beliefs. So give up for the band who really knows how to throw it down.”

The Beastie Boys and The Jewish Street Crew do a remixed rendition of the song “Intergalatic!” Once they finish, Adam Goldberg throws his microphone to the fans and Jewish Rapper is the one to introduce the Top Moment of 2004.

JEWISH RAPPER: “Here is the Top Moment of 2004, WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON MOLESTED JOE! We will see you guys in the New Year!”

THE TOP MOMENT OF 2004 : MICHAEL JACKSON MOLESTS JOE

The camera turns its attention to a different room, where Joe, the twelve year old boy, is getting ready for his match-up tonight. Joe is seen as just about to put on his wrestling tights when the camera turns to the doorway when Michael Jackson comes in.

JOE: “Hey Mike! How is it going?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Sweet Jesus, boy’s pants are 50% off at Wallmart!”

JOE: “What?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Oh nothing… just… keep changing. I have something I need to tell you…”

JOE: “Just one second, I need to take off my underwear… underwear lines show up horribly when on television…”

Joe bends over and the camera loses sight of him. Michael Jackson’s eyes widen and he literally stands in shock and awe over the fact a preteen boy is undressing right in front of his eyes. Joe stands back up with his underwear in hand and he has a smile on his face.

JOE: “Doesn’t it feel so nice to be free… naked and free?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Oh… my… god…”

JOE: “Michael, there is something I have to tell you…”

MICHAEL JACKSON AND JOE: “I love you…”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “What?”

JOE: “As a young boy, my father loved me so much. He loved me with every bone in his body. He especially loved me with one particular bone. He molested me. And know… being molested turns me on. Michael Jackson… will you do the honors of molesting me?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Oh… my… god…”

JOE: “If it turns you on… I haven’t hit puberty yet…”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “I am in heaven… Jesus… are you there?”

Harold Agnes busts into the locker room and he looks startled over what is occuring. Harold Agnes shoos Michael Jackson away from his grand-son, Joe.

HAROLD AGNES: “How dare you Michael Jackson, you sick pervert! Molesting my grand-son!”

JOE: “No, Grandpa, I was molesting Michael Jackson…”

HAROLD AGNES: “What the fuck are you talking about?”

JOE: “Dad used to molest me… and know I require to be molested… it represses these sexual urges in me… it calms my hormones…”

HAROLD AGNES: “Are you bat-shit insane?!?! You need to be molested?”

JOE: “Michael Jackson… please take me back to your locker room and molest me...”

HAROLD AGNES: “What the fuck is wrong with the world?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “If you insist Joe…”

~~~

The scene switches to a room lit in red light. The center of attention is a bed, where Michael Jackson lay. It appears as though he is naked underneath the covers. Joe lay beside him with a devious smile on his face. Michael Jackson leans over and plants a kiss on his new found lover.

MICHAEL JACKSON: “That was even better than that Culkin kid!!”

Wendell Mehitler breaks into the dressing room with a crow-bar in hand! Michael Jackson stands up from the bed and he is in complete shock. Wendell Mehitler rushes at Michael Jackson and hits him in the ribs with a crow-bar shot. Wendell Mehitler grabs Michael Jackson and throws him into a mirror with great force.

JOE: “What are you doing… I love Michael Jackson!”

WENDELL MEHITLER: “No you don’t. You set him up! You were in on it the entire time!”

JOE: “Maybe so, but I learnt something important today! Wealth, fame, glory… it is nothing when you feel that good when being molested!”

WENDELL MEHITLER: “Kid, here is the grand we owe you! Get the fuck out of here before things get messy.”

Wendell throws Joe a stack of a thousand dollars and Wendell Mehitler shoos him away. Wendell proceeds to beat down Michael Jackson with the crow-bar, as well as throwing him into pieces of the locker room.

Edited January 2, 2005 by PunkRockPete

[RPS]

D.W.A. PRESENTS… DUCK YOU

We get the typical Duck You intro video stock full of clips of super stars doing some of the high risk attacks that we came to love. And once again, the clip ends with the Duck standing although this time he is standing beside his left-hand it Nancy Catalogue.

This week’s Duck You kicks off with Moe in the office of Nancy Catalogue.

MOE: “I know, I know, Nancy. I told you two it’d take a month. But it is taking longer. I need… two more months off.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Two months? That is a total of three months! What the hell, you are a midget that doesn’t give you an excuse to be lazy.”

MOE: “I am trying my best here! Two more months. And I’ve actually got a replacement.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “A replacement? I am intrigued…”

MOE: “Yes, one of my midget friends. His name is Peter Poet. But all of his friends call him Poe.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Poe, eh? Well, I guess he can do. Poe will take your spot here in D.W.A. for two months until you make your grand return to the wrestling world. Hopefully Poe is in the building because he has a match tonight.”

MOE: “Thank you, Nancy. And yes, he is in the building. I’ll inform him.”

Moe shakes the hand of Nancy Catalogue and proceeds to leave the office of Nancy Catalogue. Nancy Catalogue proceeds to chose out the drapes that it will put up. In walks Johnny Colorado with two men by his side.

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Nancy, I need you too sign a contract for these two men. They are associates of mine and are going to help me defeat those god-damn porn stars tonight. This one’s name is Frank Reynolds, his father is a very wealthy business man.”

FRANK REYNOLDS: “My father owns a big company in Texas called Capture the Flag, we make milk crates.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Fascinating.”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “And this man here is my brother, Colby Colorado.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “It’s like a freakin’ family reunion. Dallas Darke and his freak show family. The Mango Kid and his freak show family.”

COLBY COLORADO: “All I want is a written contract and than I’ll live up to the hype.”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “So, will you sign them contracts?”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Sure, sure, just get them out of my site.”

Nancy Catalogue proceeds to bring out two contracts for them both to sign and they do so. Johnny Colorado looks so enthused that he got the men to sign the contract.

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Those Porn Stars won’t know what hit them?”

COLBY COLORADO: “Yeah, about that Johnny. Me and Franky here, we aren’t down with that. Heck, I watched that Chyna-X Pac tape a few times myself. We love wrestling and all, but this is a duo here. Not a trio.”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Whoa, whoa, slow down there. You guys are going to wrestle alongside me tonight.”

COLBY COLORADO: “No, we aren’t. We actually have a match lined up already, but thanks for the help of getting us contracts.”

Colby Colorado and Frank Reynolds shake the hand of Johnny Colorado and proceed to leave him devastated. Johnny turns to Nancy for help, but Nancy simply brushes Johnny away.

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Come on, Nancy! They just bailed on me.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “You need a partner, eh?”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Two of them and soon!”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Well, I can give you one partner. A new wrestler, his name is Poe. I’ve heard nothing but good about him.”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Alright, alright. I trust you, Nancy. Me and Poe will take on all three of the porn stars. Just one last thing… can I meet this Poe guy… go over some of the spots with him.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Unfortunately… no. Poe isn’t going to be arriving until the last second, but I will pass the message along to him.”

JOHNNY COLORADO: “Thanks, you don’t realize how much I appreciate this!”

Johnny Colorado walks away from Nancy Catalogue. As soon as Johnny leaves the room, Nancy bursts into laughter over the entire situation. Nancy calms itself down and proceeds to do some paper work in the office.

FRANK & COLBY versus CHRIST LOVE

Frank Reynolds and Colby Colorado come out to some big booming rap music and they slap the fans hands. Frank Reynolds gives a few 50$ bills to the fans and Colby Colorado gets in the ring and he plays up to the crowd. The sound cuts out in the arena and Christ Love’s second single, “Jesus Where Are You Tonight?” blares across the sound system. Carlos Catholic comes out from the curtain with a cape and crown. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band comes out from behind the curtain with a microphone in hand and he sings along with the words. Carlos Catholic and Lead Singer Of a Christian Rock Band stand on the outside and look in the ring at their challengers.

Carlos Catholic tells Lead Singer to get on the apron and that he will start the match off. Frank Reynolds is in the ring first and he slaps Carlos Catholic across the face. Carlos Catholic locks up with Frank Reynolds and almost has the immediate advantage. He shoves Frank Reynolds into the corner and Reynolds looks angered. They lock up again and Carlos Catholic easily shoves Frank Reynolds away. They lock up for the third time, and Frank Reynolds manages to dupe Carlos Catholic as he goes underneath his arm and hits a release german suplex. Reynolds covers for the two count.

Frank Reynolds applies a chin lock on Carlos Catholic, which he manages to sneak his way out of. Carlos Catholic bounces off the ropes and goes for a shoulder block, but Frank Reynolds stands his ground and Carlos Catholic looks like he hits a brick wall. Carlos Catholic does the same routine with the same outcome. Frank Reynolds this time grabs Catholic by the hair and Irish whips him. Frank Reynolds connects with a spinning heel kick that sends Catholic to the mat. Carlos rolls to the outside and regains his composure, as Frank Reynolds climbs to the top and hits a cross body block to the outside.

Carlos Catholic struggles to his feet and Frank Reynolds is already there. Frank Reynolds tosses him into the ring post and Carlos Catholic meets it with great force. Frank Reynolds rolls Catholic into the ring and he makes the tag to his partner Colby Colorado. Colby Colorado tells the fans to hush, silence so that he can gain his composure. As soon as Carlos Catholic is too his feet, Colby hits a chop so loud it echoes through the arena. Colby Colorado sends Carlos into the ropes and he locks in a sleeper hold. Carlos Catholic manages to make the tag to Lead Singer Of a Christian Rock Band.

Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band shoves Colby Colorado down to the mat and he talks smack. Colby Colorado hits a double leg take down out of no where. He than proceeds to lock in one hell of a Boston crab. Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band is about to tap when Carlos Catholic enters the ring. Colby Colorado releases the hold he moves out of the way of a clothes line. Reynolds was a step ahead of the competition as he connects with a missile drop kick on Carlos Catholic sending him to the outside.

Frank Reynolds and Colby Colorado signal to the crowd it’s over as Colby Colorado picks Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band up for a spine buster and Frank Reynolds is onto the second rope. Frank Reynolds hits a spinning heel kick and Colby Colorado spine busters him for a move called the Colby and Frank Special Of The Week. Colby Colorado covers and they get the three count.

Carlos Catholic is in the ring with a chair now and he connects with two chair shots. Carlos Catholic picks up a microphone and it is evident that he isn’t happy. Catholic begins to berate the two super-stars, “You bastards. You stole that victory from us. I call SHENANIGANS! Don’t think you’ll ever get another victory over this all-star tag-team. We were runners-up in the tag-team of 2004! Next week, a rematch. Only on our turf, a special match I cooked up last-week. A Bible Thumping Match! The main weapon is a bible, suspended high above the ring on a poll. The only way to retrieve is to climb the top turnbuckle.”

Frank Reynolds yells back they accept and Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band helps a distraught Carlos Catholic to the back. Colby and Frank think all of the work is done here tonight, but the fat man who attacked Dallas Darke and Chris Flare last week enters the ring and super kicks both men down to the mat. He than proceeds to knock both men down with belly to belly suplexes before he heads to the back with Christ Love.

WINNER: COLBY AND FRANK

Harold Agnes is shown dialing numbers on a cell-phone. He seems to not be able to get it though, as he seems frustrated. He redials the number and it seems as though this time around he has been successful in the phone call.

HAROLD AGNES: “Who is speaking?… None other than the D.W.A. Satanism Champion, Harold Agnes…yeah… is this… it is Doc Morrison, gimmick consultant? Because I have no knowledge of history whatsoever, I was just acting, you know?… Great, great, so have you seen my work?… … … and what were you thinking, Doc? Because I got to tell you, my best-mate was fired on Wrath Of The Donkey and I have to say, it was an eye opener. It opened my eyes to the fact that I have to stay fresh and hip with the kids or else I’ll be off… Extreme? I need… Extreme? Alright, alright, I guess I can dig that, what were you thinking?… Glass-Eater?… But wait, Wesley Glass is already using that gimmick… yeah, I was watching MBSEL Wednesday Night-Wankfest, for Christ-sakes I was Wednesday Wank-Fest when I worked for that company!… okay, you want me to be bored?… oh, Skateboard! Alright, I think I can get jiggy with the kids on my skateboard. Thanks Doc Morrison… yeah, keep watching because there is a star in the making, I’ll send the check tommorow. Alright, thanks, bye!”

Harold Agnes hangs-up the phone, looks in the mirror and is perplexed.

HAROLD AGNES: “Skateboarder, eh? Where the hell am I going to get a skateboard. And I don’t look the part of a skateboarder. See, I can’t go out there tonight and defend my Satanism Title. I look like a piece of shit.”

Tony Hawk, the most famous skateboarder walks into the dressing room of Harold Agnes. Tony Hawk is sipping on a bottle of Sprite and he looks thrown off at site of this old man in the locker room.

TONY HAWK: “Excuse me, I thought this was my dressing room. My mistake, my mistake. I’ll show myself out.”

HAROLD AGNES: “Wait, I’ve seen you on television before!”

TONY HAWK: “Yeah, my name is Tony Hawk. I skateboard.”

HAROLD AGNES: “Skateboarder? I thought you were in some viagara commercial. Damn hooligan, you and your skateboard! Get the hell out of my dressing room.”

TONY HAWK: “Alright, whatever.”

HAROLD AGNES: “Wait, hold on. Skate… board… skate… board. Hold on a second, it’ll come to me.”

TONY HAWK: “Lemme guess, you are an old geezer trying to come into touch with your younger side. You want a skate-board and you want skate-boarding clothes?”

HAROLD AGNES: “Sweet jimmity, you’ve got it! How did you know?”

TONY HAWK: “Dude, I get it everyday.”

HAROLD AGNES: “Well, how about it? Want to lend me some skateboarding clothes and a skateboard.”

TONY HAWK: “Well, I guess. But I’ve got an odd request.”

HAROLD AGNES: “Nothing is too odd for me, young man. I was around in the sixties, you know.”

TONY HAWK: “Do you own a rabbit?”

HAROLD AGNES: “No, no, I don’t.”

TONY HAWK: “Do you own any small animals? Or know of somebody who owns a small animal?”

HAROLD AGNES: “Sure I do. A guy by the name of … what is his name? Oh… right, Antman.”

TONY HAWK: “Dude, an Ant is far too small.”

HAROLD AGNES: “No, no, no, it isn’t an Ant! But, see his alter ego is called Mix Master Doug. And well, here is a little secret about Mix Master Doug… always takes his pet poodle EVERYWHERE.”

TONY HAWK: “Perfect, I just want to sacrifice that poodle to the wind God!”

HAROLD AGNES: “Alright, his dressing room is #5, it’ll be in a little pink cage with a ribbon on top. Can’t miss it.”

TONY HAWK: “Thanks, and here at the clothes.”

Tony Hawk proceeds to undress in the locker room. The camera pans up to about nipple height and he hands Harold Agnes all of his clothes, including his boxers.

TONY HAWK: “I’d give you the G-String, but I don’t think it suits the part. And now I am off to kill that animal. I’ll have someone drop a skate board by just before your match. Alright, have good one.”

HAROLD AGNES: “Thank you young man. And good luck with that ceremony for the wind God!”

Tony Hawk proceeds to leave the dressing room in his G-String thong and Harold Agnes looks on in a very fatherly manner, admiring Tony Hawk in his g-string thong. The camera pans back to the ring where we are headed up for the next match.

BEST OF 7 FOR THE CELLPHONES ARE FOR PRICKS TITLE

THE SUPERHEROES versus TEAM GERMANY

A clip from the huge award ceremony just a few days ago is shown where Team Germany clashed with the Superheroes and a Best of 7 Match was created for the Cell-phone Are For Pricks Title match. Hien and Himler, foreign to the MBSEL environment make their way down the aisle first. One must wonder how they feel in this environment after they were attacked by the D.W.A. last Wednesday Night Wank-Fest.

The Superheroes come to the ring, but they aren’t alone. In fact, they are accompanied to the ring by the Chaos Brothers, Big and Medium. Big and Medium surround the ring and are going to play the role of “lumberjacks”. This reeks of set-up for the MBSEL wrestlers. Hien and Himler look eager to wrestle, and so does Antman and Bone Boy. Bone Boy is going to start the match off against Hien.

Hien and Bone Boy lock up, but Hien gains the upper hand with a head lock. Bone Boy sends him into the ropes and leap frogs him. Bone Boy proceeds to hit a monkey flip sending Hien to the mat. Bone Boy proceeds to drop a running elbow drop onto the chest of Hien gasps for air as he makes the tag to Himler. Himler enters the ring only to get hip tossed by Bone Boy. Bone Boy sends Himler into the ropes and connects with a drop kick. Antman is tagged into the ring and he ascends the top rope. Antman proceeds to hit one hell of an elbow drop and he encourages the referee to count fast. Only a two count though, as Himler kicks out.

On the outside, Medium knocks Hien off the apron. Hien gets up to his feet and he shoves Medium Chaos. Big Chaos appears from out of no where and choke slams him onto the mat. Big and Medium Chaos avoid touching him as the referee encourages them to vacate ring-side. In the ring now, Antman is choking Himler in the ring as Bone Boy kicks him in the gut. Bone Boy sends Himler into the ropes and he connects with another drop kick. Antman covers and the referee only gives it a two count.

Bone Boy is tagged in and he applies a chin lock on Himler. Himler frees himself from the hold and manages to his feet. Himler hits a back body drop out of no where and he goes to make the tag, only to find Hien is on the outside and knocked out cold. Meanwhile, Antman has been tagged in and he hits the Antman Exciting Finisher, which is essentially the Stone Cold Stunner. Antman makes the cover and the referee makes the three count.

The Chaos Brothers enter the ring and it appears as though there is going to be a 4 on 1. But wait, what the hell is this? Lobster! Lobster! Lobster is entering the ring through the crowd with a chair in hand. For those who missed the award show, Lobster resigned from MBSEL and officially signed on with D.W.A. Lobster clears the ring with a chair! Lobster waits for Himler to get to his feet before he cracks the chair over his head! Lobster picks up a microphone and apparently he is going to monologue for us!

WINNER: THE SUPERHEROES {SUPERHEROES, 1; TEAM GERMANY, 0)

Some Island; Present Time

Caleb Darke is shown partying with a bunch of really cool looking people. There is loud black people music blaring, people sipping on Vodka coolers, and a game of Volleyball. A young local boy walks up to the President of the Island and tugs on his nice Hawaiian.

YOUNG BOY: “I know you!”

CALEB DARKE: “I know, I know young guy. I am in charge of this here Island.”

YOUNG BOY: “No-no-no! You are a wrestler!”

Caleb Darke seems a little embarrassed at the young boy who has ousted him from the hidden past-life of being a wrestler.

CALEB DARKE: “You must be thinking of some other young, handsome man. I am a politician who loves to party. Like… Bill Clinton!”

YOUNG BOY: “Autograph?”

Caleb Darke looks at the young boy impatiently and than he decides to sign a picture, hand it to the boy and let him run off. The party continues, until a mail man arrives at the party with a package in hand. He turns off the stereo and the people at the party look at him with despise.”

MAILMAN: “I am looking for a Caleb Darke”

CALEB DARKE: “You turned off the killer tunes.”

MAILMAN: “A package from Iraq.”

CALEB DARKE: “Iraq?!? What the hell? When have I ever sent anything to Iraq?”

MAILMAN: “Oh, and this letter from the American government has arrived.”

Caleb Darke ignores the package from Iraq and he simply opens the letter from the American government.

CALEB DARKE: “What?!?!?!?!??!?!? The American government is sending troops to this island? What the hell, because of the business I did with Iraq? Oh, no. Oh, no. Every body, head for the hills, the Americans are coming.”

Caleb Darke and the party-goers all start to flee the area in fear of the Americans invading.

Antman and Bone Boy enter their dressing room after their hard fought match. What they see before them is a pile of dog fur, flesh and blood. Antman drop jaws to the floor, and standing in the corner with nothing but his G-String thong on and some tribal make-up is Tony Hawk.

TONY HAWK: “AHHH-YUM-SEE-TOOOOOO-YOOOOOO!”

Antman clenches his fists in anger, tears are running down his face. Bone Boy tries to hold him back, but Antman rips off his mask to reveal… Mix Master Doug! Mix Master Doug grabs Tony Hawk by the throat and throws him into a brick wall.

MIX MASTER DOUG: “You CORPORATE SON OF A BITCH. FIRST YOU RUIN THE GOOD-NAME OF SKATEBOARDING BY SHILLING IT OUT TO THE MASSES AND TAKING IT FROM THE UNDERGROUND WHERE IT BELONGED TO THE MAINSTREAM CULTURE. YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT, YOU RUINED SKATEBOARDING. AND THAN, WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU COULDN’T MILK THE CORPORATE GIANTS ANYMORE, YOU KILLED MY FUCKING DOG. TONY HAWK, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!”

Mix Master Doug pulls a huge medieval sword from his pocket. Mix Master Doug doesn’t even wait for Tony Hawk to react before he cuts off his head. Bone Boy is in complete shock at what just happened.

BONE BOY: “Antman… Doug… you just killed a man.”

MIX MASTER DOUG: “Oh dear lord.”

Mix Master Doug drops the sword and he looks down at the ground in complete shock. He is covered in the blood of Tony Hawk. Mix Master Doug still has tears running down his face.

MIX MASTER DOUG: “We need to run… run far away. Away from the police.”

BONE BOY: “Where can we go where there is no law… where there is no order… where there is complete and utter anarchy.”

MIX MASTER DOUG: “Iraq… IRAQ!”

BONE BOY: “You idiot! Iraq?!?!? We’ll be dead there, we are Americans.”

MIX MASTER DOUG: “Hey, I ain’t sticking around here to get the chair! We are fleeing this damn country to Iraq and that is final. Perhaps we could meet up with the Mango Kid and find salvage with him.”

BONE BOY: “He is dead… ain’t he?”

MIX MASTER DOUG: “Time will only tell.”

Mix Master Doug and Bone Boy, who takes off his mask and reveals himself to be the Funky, run from the dressing room and it is assumed that they got into a car and made a run for the airport.

D.W.A. SATANISM TITLE MATCH

OWEN HART versus HAROLD AGNES

Enough is enough and it’s time for a change. The uber-heel Owen Hart makes his way down the aisle trying to slap the fans hands. Owen Hart is wearing the almost exact same outfit that Owen Hart used to wear when he came down to the ring. Owen Hart tries to take off his sunglasses and give them to a kid, but the kid spits in the face of Owen Hart.

Harold Agnes comes out onto the stage with a skateboard in hand. He tries to skateboard down the ramp, but he lands flat on his face for the fans to laugh. Harold Agnes attempts again and receives the same fate. Harold Agnes just decides to walk down to the ring and he slides in the ring. Owen Hart doesn’t even let him get to his feet before he boots him in the back several times. Owen Hart waits for Harold Agnes to get up to his feet before he upper cuts him in the face. Harold Agnes falls through the middle ropes and to the outside.

Harold Agnes seems out of it at first, but he gets to his feet. Owen Hart hits a suicide dive to the outside and he connects! Harold Agnes hits the padded floor and his old back may not be able to take the pain. Owen Hart picks up Harold Agnes regardless of his physical state and tosses him into the steel steps. Harold Agnes hits with great force and falls to the padded floor. Owen Hart rolls into the ring and he taunts the crowd a bit.

Harold Agnes barely slides in the ring and Owen Hart hits a running elbow drop. Harold Agnes proceeds to drag Harold Agnes to the middle of the ring and he applies a surf board. Harold Agnes refuses to tap, but his face displays the pain he is experiencing. Owen Hart releases the hold and climbs to the top rope. Harold Agnes is still lying on his stomach after the hold trying to regain his breath. Owen Hart connects with one hell of a frog splash crushing the spine of Harold Agnes.

Owen Hart rolls Harold Agnes over for the two count. The referee warns Owen Hart to take it easy on Harold Agnes and Owen Hart spits in the referee’s face. The referee shoves Owen Hart and Owen Hart shoves the referee back. The referee kicks Owen Hart square in the testicles and Harold Agnes manages to hit a running bull dog. Harold Agnes covers and the referee makes a quick three count.

After the bell, Harold Agnes gives the referee a 20$ bill and leaves ringside. Owen Hart is throwing a tantrum and attacking members of the staff. Owen Hart demands that the referee fight him in a match next week. The referee accepts the challenge, but Owen Hart drop kicks his knee and proceeds to lock in a sharp shooter. The referee taps out, but Owen Hart refuses to release the hold. Harold Agnes returns to the ring and knocks Owen Hart out with a skateboard shot and fans go bonkers. Harold Agnes leaves with the fans behind him 100%.

WINNER: HAROLD AGNES

Mike Smith is in the backstage area with a young man who attacked Gene Smith last week in his match along with Eleinfant Killer. Mike Smith is shaking the hand of the young man with very long hair and a very rural look to him.

MIKE SMITH: “Cal! Cal Smith, my favorite cousin. See, I knew you’d come through for me. I knew you always hated Gene!”

CAL SMITH: “As a kid, Gene always picked on me. He always forced me to smell his smelly armpits. He never wore deodorant.”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “HE NEVER DOES NOW!1!! KILL-BABY!”

MIKE SMITH: “Oh, Cal this is my business partner Eleinfant Killer. He basically wants to eat Mary’s baby.”

CAL SMITH: “Good, she was a slut too. Worst acne as a child.”

MIKE SMITH: “I know, horrible acne! Let me tell you though, she was a good lay.”

CAL SMITH: “I know, I know. When we were fourteen we fooled around in the bathroom.”

MIKE SMITH: “Nicely done. She has one beautiful body, I must say. It runs in our family genes.”

CAL SMITH: “Yeah, yeah. So tonight, what is the game plan?”

MIKE SMITH: “You are facing off against my nemesis, Ronald Feature. I hate him. I hate him like I hate … like I hate video games. And man, do I hate video games.”

CAL SMITH: “Alright, alright, and this is for his I-Pod title?”

MIKE SMITH: “Yeah, he is all hung up on being the triple, double, whatever champion. News flash, I’m Mike Smith! I am the biggest incest pimp in the universe.”

ELEINFANT KILLER: “BABIES.”

CAL SMITH: “Alright, so me versus Ronald Feature. Up next. Wish me luck, cousin.”

MIKE SMITH: “Good luck, cousin.”

The two have a brief hug before Cal heads towards the ring. Gene Smith enters the picture with his sister, Mary. Eleinfant Killer looks at Mary’s stomach like it is a delicious dinner for him, which it is. Gene Smith gets right into the face of Mike.

GENE SMITH: “Mike, how dare you bring Cal into this. How dare you.”

MIKE SMITH: “Buddy, old pal, he brought himself into this. He hates you, because of the whole armpit thing.”

GENE SMITH: “He doesn’t hate me, Mike!”

MIKE SMITH: “What do you mean?”

GENE SMITH: “We are lovers. Me and Cal, are armpit lovers.”

MIKE SMITH: “What in the hell is that?”

GENE SMITH: “It’s a sexual fetish. Mine just happens to be that I get off on the armpit of my cousin. And he gets off on people smelling his armpits. Cal doesn’t hate me, he hates you.”

MIKE SMITH: “Cal doesn’t hate me.”

GENE SMITH: “You never smelt his armpits as a child. You refused to. Remember at grandmas?”

MIKE SMITH: “Oh, yeah… but wait, why did he help me?”

GENE SMITH: “I don’t know. I just wanted to let you know you’ve opened a Pandora’s box.”

MIKE SMITH: “No, I haven’t, you are just a worry-wart.”

Ronald Feature is shown preparing for his match with his two titles, when out of no where, Cal and an unknown man jump him. Cal hits him with a chair a few times and the other man grabs a flag and he hits Ronald Feature. Ronald Feature falls onto the hood of a car and the car begins to drive forward. The car hits the wall and Ronald Feature collides with the wall. Cal and two other men proceed to throw Ronald Feature into everything humanely possible.

CAL: “You messed with the wrong family. Me and my brothers Earl Smith and Hank Smith are here to defend the honor of our cousin, Mike Smith!”

EARL: “Wait, we are defending Mike Smith? I hate Mike!”

HANK: “What? How can you hate Mike? Gene is a freaking weirdo.”

EARL: “Wait, you don’t like having your armpits smelt, do you?”

HANK: “Wait, Gene asked me to do that like a year ago.”

Cal and Hank double team Earl and send him straight into a dumpster. Ronald Feature has a baseball bat now and he swings away missing Cal and Hank each and every time. Cal and Hank retreat through the halls of the D.W.A. arena while Ronald Feature stands confused.

RONALD FEATURE: “What the hell is going on?”

EARL SMITH: “Wait, you are Ronnie… Ronnie Feature!”

RONALD FEATURE: “Yeah, why did you hit me with your car back there?”

EARL SMITH: “My brothers Cal and Hank told me that you were some sort of freak out to kill them. You are friends with Gene and Mikey, my cousins aren’t you? And didn’t you knock up my cousin.”

RONALD FEATURE: “Gene, friend. Mike, nemesis. Mary, girlfriend.”

EARL SMITH: “Mike is a fucking cunt, ain’t he?”

RONALD FEATURE: “Yeah, sure. Just… uh, don’t ever hit me with a car, ever again.”

Ronald Feature and Earl Smith continue their conversation down the hall-ways of the D.W.A. Arena. The camera pans to the middle of the ring where the Duck and Nancy Catalogue, Nancy Catalogue the spokesit for the two has the microphone in it’s hand.

NANCY CATALOGUE: “There are two issues at hand that we’d like to clear up. The first deals with the thing standing in our path towards conquering the world. The Most Bizarre Sports Entertainment League. At first we found the idea of competition novel. But than the Duck realized the force Dallas Darke held. And so we decided to invade MBSEL. We know you guys are going to have a tomorrow night, and that is fine. But we’ve got one message for yo…”

The big screen lights up with a picture of Dallas Darke and Chris Flare sitting in an office together.

DALLAS DARKE: “It’s real nice to see you two down there in the ring, lecturing to us. We are here live by satellite technology…”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “ENOUGH! Dallas Darke, lets put this out on the table right now. Tomorrow night you guys can run your last show ever. Just go out with a bang.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Okay, but I want a huge cash settlement, like Caleb.”

CHRIS FLARE: “What?!?!?”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “What?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

THE DUCK: “QUACK!!!!!?????”

DALLAS DARKE: “Just kidding you damn transvestite. There is no way I am selling out to you and your damn Duck boss. To be perfectly honest, I just saw the ratings for Wank-fest compared to Duck You.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Ratings mean nothing.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Good, because we were tied. Dead even.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Dead even? What the hell. We offered porn stars. We offered so much more than that bland product known as MBSEL. Well, this means war.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Wait until you see the ratings for tomorrow night. Because we’ve got a bombshell to lay on you people. Everybody listen, because this is huge. I just got off the phone with a good old friend of mine and he is going to be on hand for the show. I don’t know if he is a big name where you guys come from, but his name is… Sasquatch!”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Sasquatch?!? You’ve got to be kidding me, that is some sort of joke. Sasquatch? Hahahahahahahahahaha, you think that will blow us out of the water with ratings? Okay, we will see Mr. Darke.”

DALLAS DARKE: “You thought I was done. Another news flash… are you ready for this bombshell? Not only will Sasquatch be there, but he will be tag-teaming it up in a huge celebrity moment with a good friend of mine, business tycoon Donald Trump!”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Donald Trump and Sasquatch is going to crush us in the ratings? Seriously, let me catch my breath because I am afraid I might laugh myself to death!”

The satellite feed cuts out as Nelly rushes to the ring with a chair in hand. Nelly clears the ring of Nancy Catalogue and The Duck. Nelly eyes down the diabolical duo as they stand on the outside. Nelly grabs a microphone and he speaks down to the evil duo.

NELLY: “Yo, gee that be unfreshhhhhh! Listen up, aight. I hatecho.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “What in the blue hell are you talking about? Nelly, you are a fucking tool.”

NELLY: “Hot in heere, Nancy. You goin’ down like 2-PAC AND BIGGIE.”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Well you are going down like your mom did last night.”

NELLY: “My mom is dead, dag!”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Well that is why she felt so cold.”

NELLY: “That shit ain’t fly!”

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Whatever, Nelly! You want a match against the Duck, well you got to run the gauntlet next week. You will face three of the top D.W.A Wrestlers and if you succeed, you can have The Duck at “Your Mom Has A Loose Vagina” in two weeks.”

NELLY: “Aight, but it’ll be a Gangsta Match, aight?”

Nelly proceeds to take his shirt off for a few women in the audience and do a little dance. Nancy Catalogue and the Duck simply proceed to leave up the ramp as Nelly demeans the African heritage just a little more. And it is time for the main event!

JOHNNY COLORADO, THE MAGICAL DRUNK TRUCK DRIVER ALSO KNOWN AS MOOP & POE versus THE PORNSTARS

The Porn-Stars consisting Chyna, X-Pac and Ron Jeremy make their ways down to the ring first waving to the fans and teasing the audience a flash or two. Ron Jeremy gets in the ring and a “show us your penis” chant kicks up. X-Pac begins to whip his penis out but the fans boo him in an hilarious moment. Chyna punches him in the upper lip knocking him off the apron.

Johnny Colorado makes his way down to the ring first wearing a wrestling singlet. Colorado picks up a microphone and he instantly rips the fans, “wave those middle fingers in the air, because at least I have a place to put mine. Up all your mother’s twats. First off, I managed to find a new tag-team partner at the last second. He is magical and he drives a truck. Put your hands together for Moop!”

A visibly drunk man walks out onto the stage waving and apparently this is The Magical Drunk Truck Driver, also known as Moop. He has short blond hair and as he slides in the ring his ripped jeans almost fall down to reveal his soiled underwear. Moop can barely stand as he gets in the ring. Johnny Colorado gets ready to introduce his second wrestler, “the second wrestler I’d like to introduce is a man I’ve never laid my eyes on. But god-dammit, I’ve been told he is one of the best in the business!”

Poe the Midget walks out onto the ramp and Johnny Colorado nearly loses it. He throws a tantrum and demands that Poe be sent to the backstage area. Moop meanwhile is passed out on the apron now, beside the ring lays his puke. Johnny Colorado doesn’t even wait for Poe to get to the ring as he tackles X-Pac with a spear. Johnny Colorado gets to his feet and he connects with a forearm sending Ron Jeremy to the outside. Chyna hits a vicious clothes line from behind sending Colorado to the mat. Poe is in the ring now and Chyna kicks him right in the chest.

Moop is up to his feet now and he grabs Chyna by the hair and he tosses her to the outside into his pile of puke. X-Pac rushes at Moop only to get kicked in the gut. Moop proceeds to hit a jack knife power bomb onto X-Pac. The fans are in complete shock over the powerful move by Moop and so is Johnny Colorado. Ron Jeremy comes from behind and low blows Moop. Johnny Colorado hits a bicycle kick on Ron Jeremy. Johnny Colorado locks in a boston crab on Ron Jeremy.

Chyna is on the outside and covered in puke. Poe rushes towards the ropes and goes for a suicide dive. Chyna steps aside and Poe crashes right into the steel railing. Poe is bleeding profusely from the head after the bump, but Chyna doesn’t care. She grabs the poor midget and power slams him onto the padded floor. Chyna does so again twice more to add salt to the wound of Poe.

Moop is in the ring now and X-Pac is up to his feet. Moop grabs him from behind and German suplex! X-Pac gets to his feet once again and his groggy, and Moop hits a belly to belly suplex. Chyna is in the ring now and she approaches Moop, only to get hit with a Tazzplex! Moop is up to his feet and he roars in anger as he is on a mission. Ron Jeremy is still in the Boston Crab that Johnny Colorado has held for a good minute or so.

Ron Jeremy makes it to the ropes and Johnny Colorado reluctantly releases the hold. Moop waits for X-Pac to get to his feet and he hits a running knee lift right to the gut of X-Pac. X-Pac falls to the mat and he may have broken a rib with the impact. Moop grabs Chyna by the hair and he hits one hell of a cradle pile driver. Moop proceeds to cover, but only a two count as X-Pac barely breaks it up.

Johnny Colorado is waiting for Ron Jeremy to struggle to his feet and Johnny Colorado lines him up for the Spine Buster! Johnny Colorado plants him with a stiff spine buster but he ain’t done yet. Johnny Colorado proceeds to hit a second spine buster right into the mat. Ron Jeremy is bleeding internally here in the ring and the referee tells Johnny Colorado to stop. Moop has X-Pac and Chyna subdued on the mat with a single leg crab on both opponents. Johnny Colorado signals for the third and final spine buster. Johnny Colorado drops Ron Jeremy and he pukes up a huge amount of blood.

Ron Jeremy rolls to the outside and emergency crew start to look after Poe and Ron Jeremy and escort them to the back on stretchers. Johnny Colorado yells at Moop to release the single leg take down. Johnny Colorado tells Moop they are going to end the career of these two. X-Pac struggles to his feet and Johnny Colorado tries to go for the spine buster, but X-Pac hits a nice spinning kick to the chin of Johnny. Moop approaches X-Pac only to receive the same move. Chyna than hits both men with a clothes line. X-Pac and Chyna are staging a come back.

X-Pac throws Moop into the corner and Chyna hits a running clothes line. Moop falls down and slumps in the corner. X-Pac signals for the Bronco Buster. As he runs forward, out of no where Johnny Colorado hits one hell of a spine buster on X-Pac! This catches Chyna off-guard long enough for Moop to low blow her. As she holds unto her penis, Moop proceeds to hit a jack knife power bomb. Moop and Johnny Colorado proceed to cover X-Pac and Chyna. The referee counts, one-two—thre….. NO, as Ron Jeremy has returned to the ring to pull the referee out of the ring.

Ron Jeremy is barely standing as the referee argues with him. Johnny Colorado and Moop have had enough of Ron Jeremy as they slide to the outside. Moop and Johnny Colorado toss Ron Jeremy into the steel ring post and he collides with great force. The referee demands that Moop and Johnny Colorado return to the ring. Johnny Colorado sets Ron Jeremy up for another Spine Buster as Moop returns to the ring. But wait, X-Pac hits the X-Factor out of no where! X-Pac covers and the referee makes the three count. Johnny Colorado struggles to get in the ring, but he is too late!

Johnny Colorado and Moop are angry as X-Pac and Chyna help a very hurt Ron Jeremy to the back. Johnny Colorado vows revenge on X-Pac and Chyna, the two porn-stars who have seemed to stump him the last two weeks. Johnny Colorado picks up a microphone and decides to put it out on the line, “Your Mom Has A Loose Vagina is in two weeks. And me and Moop here don’t have opponents. So I’ve decided to put it on the line here, a tag-team match. But not any kind of match, this will be a match of DEATH!

“Hanging above the ring will be 4 10 meter by 10 meter steel platform, hanging 2 stories above the ring. In the ring will be FOUR huge coffins full of barbed wire and thumb tacks. To win, you must throw your opponent off the steel platform down into one of the coffins. You than must shut the coffin and enclose them in the coffin. It will be an elimination style match, so once your partner falls into the coffin he is gone for the rest of the match. The team left standing. The losers must leave D.W.A. forever.”

X-Pac doesn’t seem so sure of the match that they will wrestle, but Chyna grabs a microphone and speaks for the two of them, “WE ACCEPT!”

Perhaps one of the most insane matches in the history of wrestling is going to take place in two weeks.

WINNER: THE PORNSTARS

Edited January 4, 2005 by PunkRockPete

[Besmirched Tea]

Another great show, but my man LOBSTER got in the ring for a monologue, and never delivered it. What's that all about?