Most Bizarre Sports Entertainment League

RPS · January 10, 2005

MBSEL WEDNESDAY NIGHT WANK-FEST

We kick this week’s show off with a hot-match!

THE BLACK GUY /w KANYE WEST versus CHRIS FLARE /w TYRONE JACKSON

This unhyped match has a lot riding on it. For one, The Black Guy is looking to extract some sort of revenge for Dallas Darke in the wrong-doings he has committed. Furthermore, Chris Flare is trying to knock the Black Guy off his high horse riding into his match with Dallas Darke for the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title Match.

Chris Flare makes his way to the ring first, with the big Tyrone Jackson not far behind. Chris Flare rolls into the ring and he simply doesn’t acknowledge the dozens and dozens of fans chanting “you suck” towards him. Chris Flare gets ready for the match by testing out the ropes and glaring down at the fans.

We all knew The Black Guy was going to make a grand entrance, but not this grand. Kanye West, friend of the Black Guy walks out onto the stage and the two proceed to free-style. Half-way though, Kanye West just drops into his hit song Jesus Walks and The Black Guy gets into the ring and he and Chris Flare stare each-other down. The Black Guy talk’s smack while Chris Flare simply nods his head in agreement.

The referee tries to separate the two, but their eyes never move. They go to their respected contest and the referee calls for the bell. Kanye West gets the bout going by smacking the mat getting the fans right behind the Black Guy. Tyrone Jackson gets on the apron attempting to kill the reaction of the audience, but it only gets louder. The Black Guy and Chris Flare lock up in the middle of the ring and the epic struggle begins. Chris Flare manages to push the Black Guy right into the ropes and the fans react with boo’s.

Chris Flare spits in the face of the Black Guy and than slaps him across the face. The Black Guy shoves him back and he makes a “your mother” joke. The referee tells the two to calm down their nerves, but the Black Guy refuses. Another lock-up and the two men are in a stalemate. The referee gets in-between them and tells them to wrestle a clean, hard match. The Black Guy and Chris Flare go for the third lock up and Chris Flare manages to grab a head lock.

Chris Flare is tossed into the ropes by the Black Guy. The Black Guy falls to the mat and Chris Flare jumps over his body. Chris Flare hits a leap frog and he bounces off the ropes once again. Chris Flare connects with a flying forearm to the head, sending The Black Guy to the mat. Chris Flare flips the fans off and than approaches the Black Guy who manages to break free from Chris Flare and level him with three stiff chops. The Black Guy than proceeds to kick Chris Flare in the gut and a snap suplex. Chris Flare lies in the middle of the ring as the Black Guy covers only for a one count.

Chris Flare is up to his feet and so is the Black Guy. Tyrone Jackson gets on the apron once again and he starts to bitch at the referee. Kanye West rips Tyrone Jackson off the apron and the two have an exchange of words. Chris Flare watches the Black Guy as he turns his attention to Kanye and he takes this advantage and hits The Black Guy with a double axe handle. Chris Flare sends The Black Guy into the ropes and he connects with a monkey flip. Chris Flare grabs the Black Guy and he attempts to lock in a chin lock, but The Black Guy squirms out of it.

Both men are back up to their feet and they seem pretty equal, albeit Chris Flare has got a few more shots in. Chris Flare and the Black Guy have a shake of hands and than they return to their wrestling stances. The Black Guy and Chris Flare both do some mat wrestling which ends with Chris Flare hitting the firemans carry out of no where and Chris Flare pinning the Black Guy, but only for a two count. The two men get to their feet and than The Black Guy utilizes a chance to hit an arm take down and he manages to get a pin for a two count.

Chris Flare and The Black Guy mouth off at each other and the referee simply tells them to calm down. Chris Flare thumbs the eye of the Black Guy and this leads to the advantage being given to Chris Flare. Chris Flare sends the Black Guy into the ropes and he hits a belly to belly suplex. Chris Flare applies the chin lock, and the Black Guy could be seeing stars shortly. But wait, Chris Flare eases up on the hold and The Black Guy manages to straggle to his feet. A Hulk-like come-back with elbows to the gut sends Chris Flare into the ropes and the Black Guy to connect with a round house kick.

The Black Guy regains his composure and realizes the first portion of the bout has been Chris Flare only. Into the ropes Chris Flare goes and the Black Guy hits a shoulder tackle. Chris Flare lands on the mat and he is seeing stars after the impact. The Black Guy picks up Chris Flare and he hits a dragon screw take down, working on the knee of Chris Flare. Chris Flare tries to avoid it, but The Black Guy proceeds to stomp on the knee of Chris Flare.

Chris Flare is showing the signs of the attack on the knee as he limps in the ring. The Black Guy rushes at him and he slide tackles the knee. Ouch! Chris Flare lands on the mat and he yells out in pain. The Black Guy proceeds to grab the knee and he twists it in awkward ways. Chris Flare manages to kick the Black Guy in the head, releasing the hold. The Black Guy stumbles backwards as Chris Flare trips him down to the mat. The Black Guy gets to his feet and Chris Flare is already there limping. Chris Flare proceeds to hit a running DDT out of nowhere. Chris Flare covers, but only a two count. Chris Flare clings to his knee in pain after the costly move, almost regretting his mistake.

Chris Flare has a hard time getting to his feet, so the Black Guy is there first. The Black Guy hits a face buster, sending Chris Flare to the mat once again. The Black Guy is using a tactic of taking Chris Flare to the mat so that he wastes his energy getting back to his feet. The Black Guy watches as Chris Flare gets to his feet so he can go for another face buster. But it is too close to the ropes, so the Black Guy simply falls to the outside and Chris Flare gets a chance to regain his strength.

On the outside, Tyrone Jackson tries to throw the Black Guy into the steel ring steps, but Kanye West intervenes. The two have a little brawl on the outside which involves the Tyrone Jackson and Kanye West landing on a sound table and breaking it. Sparks fly every where and it is assumed there was some sort of accident. There is an apparent fire nearby because of the accident on the outside, as there is smoke and everything. Nevertheless, the ring will still have action in it regardless.

The Black Guy is in the ring now with Chris Flare and he sends him into the ropes and he connects with a back body drop. The Black Guy signals for the Token and Chris Flare tries to dodge it, but he ends up just hurting his knee. The Black Guy proceeds to climb to the second rope and he hits an elbow drop right onto the bad knee of Chris Flare.

The Black Guy puts the nail in the coffin of Chris Flare as he locks in a sharp shooter! Usually the Black Guy finishes with the Token, but not tonight. Chris Flare refuses to tap as he screams out in pain. Dallas Darke rushes to the ring and he slides into the ring with his Appreciation Title in hand. Oh no, Dallas Darke is here to screw the Black Guy out of the match. Dallas Darke levels him in the head with the title belt. Where is the referee? He is on the outside dealing with the fire!

Dallas Darke isn’t done yet as he wants to drop The Black Guy with the Twist of Fate right onto the Title belt. Dallas Darke sets up the move and he goes for the Twist of Fate… but Kanye West drags him out of the ring! The Black Guy swings around and almost instantly stops Chris Flare in mid clothes line and hits the Token! The Black Guy covers, another referee enters the ring and makes the three count awarding the match to Chris Flare.

Dallas Darke watches as the Black Guy and Kanye West walk up the ramp and towards the back. Dallas Darke grabs a microphone nearby and decides to break some really bad news too The Black Guy, “you aren’t done here tonight. You cheated and the world saw you. That Token was clearly hit on that title belt. And I can’t let you walk away with your hands cleaned. It is time for redemption, tonight you receive the proper punishment for your crime. Ring the bell, because we are having a second match here tonight. The Black Guy versus Tyrone Jackson!”

WINNER: THE BLACK GUY

THE BLACK GUY versus TYRONE JACKSON

The Black Guy is totally shocked when Tyrone Jackson hits a nice takedown. Tyrone Jackson gets to his feet and starts taunting the crowd. Tyrone Jackson awaits for The Black Guy to get to his feet before he hits a butt-thump sending The Black Guy right down to the mat. The Black Guy gets to his feet and Tyrone Jackson taunts him by shoving him a little bit. The Black Guy eventually throws a stiff left, and than another, and than another. Tyrone Jackson kicks him in the stomach and than hits a side walk slam. Tyrone covers, but only for a two count.

Tyrone Jackson points to the top rope and he decides to climb all the way to the top rope. The Black Guy carefully eyes him and gets to his feet at a perfect time. Tyrone Jackson hastily jumps in the air and the Black Guy catches him mid-jump with the Token! The Black Guy covers for the three count! What a short, short match!

Dallas Darke enters the ring with a chair in hand and he levels the Black Guy with one hell of a chair shot. Dallas Darke grabs a microphone and it doesn’t look like the pain or suffering is over for The Black Guy, “great fighting nigger. And you have definitely proved yourself for the main event slot against MYSELF for the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title match. Hope you are ready to go by than.”

Dallas Darke throws the microphone down onto The Black Guy and he heads off to the back with a smug grin on his face. The Black Guy barely gets up to his feet and he has a look of despise for Dallas Darke.

WINNER: THE BLACK GUY

Flint is in the backstage area standing at some sort of table waiting impatiently. An old man with glasses on the end of his nose thumbs through some papers and Flint apparently thinks the process can go faster.

FLINT: “Can you go any slower here?”

OLD MAN: “Sir, just calm down.”

FLINT: “No, no, see my child support payments are due. And I don’t got any money to pay for them. I spent too much money on blow this month that … well, I am broke!”

OLD MAN: “Sir, just calm down.”

FLINT: “Whatever faggot.”

Flint sees that Reggie Phillis, the skinniest and geekiest wrestler of D.W.A. is standing in the hallway taking to a very young, attractive broad. Flint is thrown off by this, so he approaches the two.

FLINT: “Hello Reggie and hello to you.”

REGGIE PHILLIS: ”Hey Flint! This is my girlfriend, Andrea Scott.”

FLINT: “Girlfriend? Delicious.”

ANDREA SCOTT: “I saw your match last week.”

FLINT: “Wasn’t I amazing?”

ANDREA SCOTT: “Not really… see Reggie here, he won his match. You lost your match.”

REGGIE PHILLIS: “Oh honey, you are ever so funny.”

FLINT: “That is too bad, because the way I see it, we are fighting each-other tonight and I’ll beat you 1-2-3- in the middle of the ring. And than, we’ll be equal.”

REGGIE PHILLIS: “That is if you beat me, I mean I am undefeated.”

FLINT: “You know, for a skinny geek you sure do have a huge ego.”

ANDREA SCOTT: “Okay, Mr. Flint… hey wait, what is your last name?”

FLINT: “I’d rather not reveal my last name, thank you very much.”

ANDREA SCOTT: “Whatever… Flint, you came over here and started talking to us. And you have been pretty hostile since you started talking to us… so either be a little nicer or LEAVE.”

FLINT: “I guess we know who wears the pants in this relationship.”

Flint walks away from the budding couple and returns to the old man who has his pay-check in hand. Flint swipes it from the old man and walks away like the cock he is. The camera pans to the dressing room of Coral Fang the fashion vampire. Coral Fang is deciding what to wear and what will look fashionable. Jimmy Rebel and Johnny Renegade enter the dressing room with attitudes.

JIMMY REBEL: “Look at this sucker, slaving away over fashion while the Tsunami victims are dying. They need money and here you are spending it on clothes.”

JOHNNY RENEGADE: “See, this is the type of person I loath. We are two dedicated humanitarians and you… well, you make me sick.”

CORAL FANG: “It is kind of hard for me to be a humanitarian when I am a vampire.”

JIMMY REBEL: “What a wise-ass, Johnny.”

CORAL FANG: “You know, it is time to put you two tits in your place. I recently gave 1000$ away to Red-Cross for the Tsunami.”

JIMMY REBEL: “What?”

JOHNNY RENEGADE: “Only 1000$ You should be donating almost 50% of your bank account for a monstrous disaster like this.”

CORAL FANG: “Actually, many sources are saying that money donation isn’t needed, they need relief overseas.”

JIMMY REBEL: “Typical right-wing whack-job, too afraid to go overseas and give relief.”

CORAL FANG: “I do have commitments that I have to fulfill.”

JOHNNY RENEGADE: “Tied down by responsibility.”

JIMMY REBEL: “See, this is the problem with the world, capitalism and democracy! It is this idea of responsibility, you can’t help people because you have a job to fulfill, slaving away to the man.”

CORAL FANG: “Shut the hell up. You know what? I care about things overseas. And it is just too bad that I can’t at this point do anything more than give 1000$. I don’t see you flying overseas to pick through dead bodies, to help give away food to the starving, to help the little children who have lost their parents. I would love to, but THINGS ARE STILL HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. Just because there is a huge disaster doesn’t mean the entire world stops, so I need to keep focusing in on my world and let the people who really and truly are dedicated and care about the human race do so. And when I do have free-time, perhaps I will go overseas and help some sort of disaster that needs me. Until than, I will do EVERYTHING in my power to help them. But lets get something clear right here and now. You two need to pick and choice your battles a little more carefully. Why not go and fight for relief in Africa on AIDS? Why the hell donate all of this fucking time and money, yet you damn hypocrites turn the same blind eye towards the people in need in other countries. Racial preference! Now would you two please shut the hell up, gain a clue and go fuck yourselves.”

Coral Fang leaves the dressing room after his monologue, the two men are left in complete and utter shock over the exchange of words. Jimmy Rebel speaks up first.

JIMMY REBEL: “That insensitive bastard!”

JOHNNY RENEGADE: “Already exploiting the tragedy for his own benefit. What is he the next George Bush?!?”

The two men proceed to talk about the crisis and how insensitive Coral Fang is as the camera fades to black.

TEAM GERMANY versus SASQUATCH & DONALD TRUMP

The German national anthem plays as the fans already are booing the arrival of Team Germany to the arena. Hien and Himler make their ways onto the stage wearing their matching tights, with the colors of the German flag. Hien and Himler get into the ring and they grab microphones to insult the audience, but wait, their berating of the audience is interrupted.

The theme music for the show “The Apprentice” plays in the MBSEL arena. Out on the stage now is Donald Trump and Sasquatch waving to the audience. The two legendary figures walk down the aisle as huge pyro’s go off just about everywhere. As Donald Trump gets in the ring, Hien jumps on him and hits him with punch after punch. Sasquatch gets on the apron and this match is already on its way!

Hien sends Donald Trump into the ropes and he connects with a power slam. The referee covers, one-two-th… no! Kick out, unbelievably. Hien grabs Donald Trump up to his feet and he sends him into the ropes once again and another body slam and a cover, but only the two count. Hien slams his hands against the mat indicating a slow count. The referee disagrees and so Hien tags in Himler.

Himler climbs to the top and he hits a flying clothes line off the top. Himler yanks Donald Trump to his feet and he sends him into the ropes, only to toss him high into the air and as he comes down, he hits a Diamond Cutter! Himler covers and Sasquatch has to interfere to break-up the count. Hien enters the ring and attacks Sasquatch with a few shots to the gut. Sasquatch tosses Hien across the ring and than does the same to Himler.

Sasquatch and Donald Trump are to their feet, waving to the audience and generally being two people who are friendly. Hien and Himler enter the ring with chairs in their hands. As soon as Donald Trump catches the eye of Hien, it is too late as he receives a chair shot for his troubles. The referee calls for the bell as both men wield the chairs and hit Sasquatch!

Damn Team Germany and their heelish ways. They stand in the ring with the chairs in their hands, raising them high into the air. From the backstage area, here comes The Jewish Street Crew! The two Jewish thugs send Team Germany hightailing it to the back. J.R. and Adam Goldberg curse in the ring as they help up the business tycoon Donald Trump and the mythical giant known as Sasquatch. The Jewish Street Crew, Donald Trump and Sasquatch pose in the ring for photos.

WINNER: DONALD TRUMP & SASQUATCH via DQ

Doc Morrison, gimmick consultant is standing in the backstage area with a cup of coffee. The camera focuses in on his darling smile and his slick back hair hidden beneath a cowboy hat. He brushes his moustache and generally looks like a sleazy guy. In walks Wesley Glass with a brown paper bag, presumably full of money. He hands it to Doc Morrison and than he speaks.

WESLEY GLASS: “Doc, can I have a word with you?”

DOC MORRISON: “Sure, sure kid. What is your name again?”

WESLEY GLASS: “Wesley Glass. We talked last week. You gave me my new gimmick.”

DOC MORRISON: “Oh, right. You are the 80’s revivalist!”

WESLEY GLASS: “No, no, I am The Glasseater.”

DOC MORRISON: “Well that is a stupid gimmick, where’d you get that one?”

WESLEY GLASS: “You gave it to me! You told me Wesley Glasseater Glass would be a killer gimmick.”

DOC MORRISON: “Killer gimmick if you meant killing you! Any-ways, what is up?”

WESLEY GLASS: “I need a new gimmick and I don’t want some risky gimmick that the fans will shit all over. I want something true and clean.”

DOC MORRISON: “How about a punk-rocker?”

WESLEY GLASS: “No, my opponent is a punk-rocker, Sidney Liar!”

DOC MORRISON: “Kid, you really need to stop pressuring me. I am stock full of great gimmicks. Some of the best in the entire world; The Black Guy got over because of the tips I gave him. Do you want the fans to love you or not?”

WESLEY GLASS: “Yes, I want the fans to love me.”

DOC MORRISON: “You know what is really popular? Buddhism!”

WESLEY GLASS: “The same religion that promotes anti-violence?”

DOC MORRISON: “Yeah, use that as a gimmick.”

WESLEY GLASS: “But it won’t work, Buddhist don’t utilize violence.”

DOC MORRISON: “You know what kid, you seem to really not appreciate the services I am supplying for you here tonight. If you want, I can get you fired in a second. Me and Dallas Darke, we are tight. His first gimmick’s were all mine. MINE, MINE, MINE!”

WESLEY GLASS: “Sorry sir. I am just frustrated you know. It is hard being a wrestler, getting the fans interested in you.”

DOC MORRISON: “It is hard, and I know too. I was a wrestler once. That was over a dozen years ago, through my back out wrestling in North Carolina at a kids birthday party. Them were the days.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Alright, so back to ME. I am paying you, remember.”

DOC MORRISON: “When you say, it makes me feel like a prostitute. Think of it more as … employing me. And that gives me a genius idea. Your gimmick right here… it is kind of like a Prostitute… how about you become a stripper.”

WESLEY GLASS: “That is one of the stupidest gimmicks ever, but it just might work.”

DOC MORRISON: “I know, and all of the ladies will love you. You are a really attractive kid.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Why thank you.”

DOC MORRISON: “So how about it, you are a Stripper!”

WESLEY GLASS: “I’ll try it, thanks Doc, I owe you one.”

DOC MORRISON: “Yeah, you do. 500$ by the end of the month. My job here is done.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Say, Doc. You speak of wrestling so highly, you make it seem like you were a real pro in the wrestling ring. And you know, I was looking for a manager of sorts.”

DOC MORRISON: “Doc Morrison, gimmick consultant AND manager… I’ll take a profit of 20% per show.”

WESLEY GLASS: “Deal.”

DOC MORRISON: “Tonight, who is your opponent?”

WESLEY GLASS: “Sidney Liar, he is a tough punk-rocker.”

DOC MORRISON: “Haha, he ain’t tough, let me give you some pointers…”

The camera pans out of the dressing room and too the ring where we are going to see some sort of segment here with a guest host. The lights turn pink it is the Hairdressers coming to the ring for their segment called ‘QUICK CUTS’. Fabulous and Magnificent carry to the rings a comb, scissors and some shampoo. Fabulous gets in the ring first and he and Magnificent sit at a table set up right beside a couch.

FABULOUS: “Hello and welcome to the first ever Quick Cuts! We are your hosts, Fabulous. Not only do I wrestle, but I have been trained in the art of hairdressing. I am like the lead singer of the Flock Of Seagulls, only in wrestling. And this is my partner in crime, Magnificent.”

MAGNIFICENT: “I don’t cut the hair, I cut apart my opponents with precision and accuracy. And I also cut apart people’s styles and wardrobe. I am the know-it-all when it comes to fashion and hair!”

FABULOUS: “Alright, so for the first week of Quick Cuts we have a very special guest. Some say he is a heart-throb, the next break-out sensation for wrestling. His name is the Heart Attack Kid!”

Heart Attack Kid makes his way onto the ramp flexing his muscles and blowing kisses to the audience. Heart Attack Kid slides into the ring and he takes a seat at the couch. Heart Attack Kid is getting quite the reaction from the female audience.

HEART ATTACK KID: “I am flattered really, ladies. But shhhhh… time for business.”

FABULOUS: “That is right, time for BUSINESS. And lets get started with your pathetic long, blonde hair. I mean, the ladies do love IT, but it is so not in. Anyone who is ANYONE is changing their hair color, because blonde is the stupid color of the year.”

HEART ATTACK KID: “Hey, hey, cool your jets there Captain Fudge-Packer. I am here to talk about wrestling, I ain’t here to talk about looking pretty. Because evidently, I am pretty.”

FABULOUS: “Pretty, yes. Sexy, no. You’ve got all the fourteen year olds nice and wet, but you haven’t made a full grown woman wet in her TWAT quite yet.”

HEART ATTACK KID: “Actually, my girlfriend is in the front row.”

The camera pans to a young, attractive model waving to the audience. She illicit quite the boo from the audience to the surprise of HAK and his girlfriend.

HEART ATTACK KID: “Wow, tough crowd. Me and my girlfriend just moved in together a few days ago.”

FABULOUS: “ENOUGH about you. Lets talk about your clothes. You look like a glorified prostitute. Get a new wardrobe.”

HEART ATTACK KID: “Okay, seriously this is getting a little irritating. Fashion is for fags, but you know what is also? AIDS, turn or burn baby!”

FABULOUS: “You know what? The 80’s called, they want EVERYTHING about you back.”

HEART ATTACK KID: “Freddy Mercury phoned and just like you, he *had* AIDS.”

Fabulous has had enough of this back and force banter. Fabulous grabs a glass full of candy and he throws them at the Heart Attack Kid. This hits his teeth and he falls to the mat and blood is coming out of his mouth. Magnificent and Fabulous proceed to stamp a whole into Heart Attack Kid. Magnificent and Fabulous grab the Heart Attack Kid and they proceed to hit a double power bomb right through the desk for the Quick Cut’s show! Heart Attack Kid is knocked out cold as Fabulous and Magnificent leave the fashionless wrestler behind in their dust.

SIDNEY LIAR versus WESLEY GLASS /w DOC MORRISON

The fans react quite negatively when Sidney Liar makes his way out to the ring, with a cigarette in hand and his mohawk intact. Sidney Liar is wearing plaid bondage pants, a leather jacket with studs and he looks ready to brawl. Sidney Liar grabs the referee and he shoves him across the ring. Sidney Liar is trying to intimidate the referee a little before their match.

Some very funky music plays over the speakers as Wesley Glass comes out wearing a police outfit, Doc Morrison follows him closely behind. He rips off the vest to reveal his chiseled abs. Wesley Glass struts down the aisle to the confusion of the audience. Wesley Glass gets on the apron and he decides to rip his pants away revealing a speedo. Sidney Liar has seen enough so he knocks Wesley Glass off the apron. Sidney Liar rolls to the outside as Wesley Glass gets to his feet. Sidney Liar shoves him into the steel ring post.

Sidney Liar grabs his cigarette and he puts it out on the chest of Wesley Glass! Wesley Glass yelps in pain, and with great force Sidney Liar irish whips him into the apron. Wesley Glass rolls into the ring and Sidney Liar follows. Sidney Liar proceeds to rip off the turnbuckle revealing steel. Wesley Glass struggles to his feet and Sidney Liar Irish Whips him into the corner. The referee calls for the bell, that is a DQ.

Sidney Liar proceeds to get on the mat and he chokes Wesley Glass. As Wesley Glass gasps for air, Sidney Liar spits his face. After a good twenty seconds, Sidney Liar releases the choke! Sidney Liar picks up Wesley Glass and he hits one damn sloppy pile-driver that could have broken the neck of Wesley Glass! Sidney Liars gets to his feet and he flips off the fans. Doc Morrison tries to get into the ring to break this up, but Sidney Liar threatens to ‘rip his testicles off’. Doc Morrison gets off the apron and watches the beat down.

Sidney Liar signals to the crowd he is number one as he tosses Wesley Glass into the corner again and he hits the unprotected steel once again. Sidney Liar signals to the crowd that he is going to drop Wesley Glass with his finisher, but Doc Morrison manages to drag Wesley out of the ring to spare him from the inevitable beat-down.

Sidney Liar grabs the referee and instead of hitting his finisher hits a very botched power bomb dropping the referee right on his neck. Sidney Liar rolls out of the ring and leaves through the fans as they chant ‘asshole’ at him. Sidney Liar nearly pukes in the audience, but he keeps walking despite his outset stomach.

WINNER: WESLEY GLASS by DQ

IRAQ: PRESENT TIME

The camera focuses in on an empty room in the middle of Iraq. In walk 4 men with sub-machine guns in their hand, one with a huge machete in hand. In walks a man with a bag over his head.

TERRORIST A: “America, this is what your Capitalism brings you, you capitalist scum!”

TERRORIST B: “Do not say anything! Remain silent.”

TERRORIST A: “Good idea, say good-bye to the man you call … Mango!”

The men proceed to order the man with a bag on his head to the floor. The Mango Kid sits on his knee while the men recite some passage from a text. As the one man raises the machete in the air, the camera fades to black. One has to wonder if this time he really is dead, as it was assumed he died the week before with the explosion of a grenade. The Forces Of Good are sitting in their locker-room with glum faces.

HAND SOLO: “Lobster is really gone.”

DICK CHENEY’S LESBIAN DAUGHTER: “He told us to fight the evil, but I don’t have the spirit.”

10101010101010101010: “Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter, you are 95% correct. The spirit for good is lost.”

HAND SOLO: “Besides, there isn’t much evil in MBSEL.”

Chris Flare walks into the locker room of the Forces Of Good with a smug grin on his face. The 4 men look suspicious of the man known as Chris Flare as he probably has bad news for the 4.

CHRIS FLARE: “The Forces Of Good! How great to see you.”

HAND SOLO: “Feeling isn’t mutual.”

CHRIS FLARE: “Aren’t you… Robbie California? Former member of the Darke Collective? And wasn’t that Robot part of that very same stable. Déjà vu, you guys were once evil.”

HAND SOLO: “Shut the hell up, Flare, people can change. And I have changed, for the better. I found a woman I am in love with.”

CHRIS FLARE: “But she is a lesbian.”

DICK CHENEY’S LESBIAN? DAUGHTER: “Not me.”

CHRIS FLARE: “But that isn’t how the story goes.”

HAND SOLO: “What story?”

CHRIS FLARE: “Well I was watching Return Of The Jedi the other day and you two hook up.”

DICK CHENEY’S DAUGHTER: “Oh, okay I guess I can fake a relationship.”

HAND SOLO: “Than it is settled, we will marry in 3 weeks on this very show for all of the fans in attendance.”

EIWEHC: “MARGLE!”

CHRIS FLARE: “What you 4 been up to?

HAND SOLO: “I think it is about time you left.”

CHRIS FLARE: “No, no, it isn’t Hand Solo. The fact of the matter is, me and Mr. Darke are kind of worried about you 4. We think it’d be in your best interest to just stick to wrestling. Disband, you know.”

HAND SOLO: “Hey, we aren’t disbanding. We are a union here, me and these three have been through trials and tribulations together. And if you don’t respect that, THAN shove it!”

CHRIS FLARE: “Alright, so long as you know where not to stick your nose.”

Chris Flare leaves the dressing room of The Forces Of Good who were left with a lot on their mind. Perhaps they aren’t a stable unit as originally thought. Perhaps it is in their best interest to disband. Perhaps MBSEL will see the dissension of the Forces Of Good? Or maybe through tribulation, they shall band together.

THE PROTEST SQUAD & FLINT versus CORAL FANG, REGGIE PHILLIS & HEART ATTACK KID

This is a definitive battle between the fan favorites, in the fashion vampire, the teen heart-throb and the total geek with a hot girlfriend against the fan unfavorites, consisting of the wimpy pacifists and the guy who can’t pay child support. Out from the curtain first is The Protest Squad and Flint, Jimmy Rebel has a sign saying, “SUPPORT THE EFFORT” and Johnny Renegade has a sign saying, “NO-WAR!” Flint simply gets down to the ring without getting himself caught up in the protest.

Heart Attack Kid makes his way down to the ring first and he slaps the hands of the fans in the front row. Heart Attack Kid stops at his girlfriend and plants a kiss right on her lips. Flint has seen enough as he rolls to the outside and shoves the Heart Attack Kid. HAK and Flint get into a little shoving match that ends with Reggie Phillis running down to the ring next to face the Protest Squad by himself!

Reggie Phillis is met with a double back body drop to the outside. Reggie Phillis hits nothing but the padded floor. Jimmy Rebel and Johnny Renegade roll to the outside and grab Reggie Phillis and hoist him in the air and thrown him down with force onto the padded floor. On the opposite side of the ring, Heart Attack Kid has Flint on the ground and begging for forgiveness. Eventually Flint uses a bottle of Mase to send Heart Attack Kid to the ground and crying.

Coral Fang’s music plays over the sound system as he makes his descent from the crowd wearing a very “in” leather jacket. Coral Fang hops over the barriers and he grabs Jimmy Rebel first and he throws him into the ring. Coral Fang follows him up and it looks like he might get physical. But wait, Johnny Renegade jumps on his back and applies a sleeper hold. Double teamed right in the middle of the ring.

Flint has Heart Attack just where he wants him as he stalks him outside the ring. Flint can’t catch the blinded Heart Attack Kid who dodges every attack. Eventually Flint is tripped up by HAK who catapults him right into the steel ring post. Ouch! Flint is busted open from that one, but he isn’t going to give up fighting. He has to put three kids through College, god-dammit! Flint grabs HAK, but HAK throws him into the steel post again drawing another wound.

In the ring, Coral Fang is on the mat in a sleeper-like hold as Jimmy Rebel lays the boots to the mid section. Reggie Phillis is in the ring now and he rushes at Jimmy Rebel and hits one damn impressive DDT move, never seen before in a wrestling ring. Reggie Phillis kicks Johnny Renegade off the hold and eventually it is a two on one for Reggie and Coral. They hit Johnny Renegade with a double suplex and they eventually head to the top rope with Johnny Renegade. Jimmy Rebel climbs to the top rope and that turn buckle should be collapsing under all of the weight, but it manages to stay together.

Johnny Renegade is hit with a hurricrana off the top rope and to the outside, and Reggie Phillis lands on the padded floor in a stomach churning moment. Jimmy Rebel hits a superplex into the ring onto Coral Fang and he drapes his arm over the fashion vampire. 1-2-, KICKOUT. Jimmy Rebel is upset over the slow count and he begins to Protest the slow count. The camera pans to the outside where Flint and Heart Attack Kid are attempting to brawl around the ring, but it just isn’t working. Flint is entirely too bloody and Heart Attack Kid is afraid of getting any blood on his ring tights. Flint eventually rolls in the ring and the fans are disgusted over his chopped up forehead.

Johnny Renegade calls for a double team move, as he climbs to the top rope. Flint tries to hit Coral Fang with a power bomb, but it is reversed in mid move into a hurricrana with a pin! 1-2-, Johnny Renegade dives off the top and at the very last second breaks the move! Johnny Renegade barely broke up the count and his teammates must be overjoyed.

Flint and Heart Attack Kid go punch for punch, but eventually Flint misses a crucial punch and as he swings around Heart Attack Kid knocks him senseless with the Sweet Bypass Surgery. Heart Attack Kid makes the cover and the referee makes the three count as Johnny Renegade wasn’t quick enough this time. The hot Heart Attack Kid rolls to the outside and without thanking his teammates leaves the ring-side with his girlfriend. Although the fans and his lady love him, it seems to me the hot rising star might not be as popular with his co-workers.

WINNER: CORAL FANG, REGGIE PHILLIS & HEART ATTACK KID

DALLAS DARKE APPRECIATION TITLE MATCH

DALLAS DARKE versus THE BLACK GUY

Oh, hell yes. Scandinavian death-metal blares across the arena as Dallas Darke and the Darke Collective all walk out onto the stage. This includes Tyrone Jackson and Chris Flare exclusively. Dallas Darke has a very smug attitude towards the fans, ignoring them and attacking like he is above the fans. Dallas Darke rolls into the ring and raises his Appreciation Title high above his head. Chris Flare and Tyrone Jackson stand on the outside and watch the ring.

Kanye West makes his way onto the stage with a microphone in hand. In a free-style rap, he announces the Black Guy to come down the aisle. The Black Guy and Kanye West have a high five and the two men walk down the aisle with the fans squarely behind them. The Black Guy gets in the ring and the fans are chanting, “go nigger go!” and the Black Guy just bounces his head to the sound of the chant.

The referee goes over the rules with the two as they stare each other down. The referee explains that since it is a title match in MBSEL, there will be no rules. The Black Guy wants this clarified, but Dallas Darke hits him with a left hand. Dallas Darke has allegedly stacked the odds against the Black Guy in changing the rules for title matches. As the Black Guy gets to his feet, Dallas Darke kicks him in the gut and hits a stiff snap suplex.

Tyrone Jackson gets in the ring with a chair and as the Black Guy gets to his feet, he gets a chair shot straight to the gut. The Black Guy falls to the mat and holds his gut. Chris Flare has attacked Kanye West on the outside and left him lying in a pool of his own blood. The Darke Collective has stacked the odds and it is sickening!

Tyrone Jackson has ascended the top turn buckle and the Black Guy is lying in the middle of the ring. Tyrone Jackson flies from the top rope and crushes the Black Guy with the force from the top rope. Chris Flare drags The Black Guy to his feet and he signals to the crowd for something special. Chris Flare hits an implant DDT in the middle of the ring that leaves The Black Guy down and out. All three men proceed to boot The Black Guy in the stomach as nothing can be done.

The Black Guy barely gets to his feet and Dallas Darke knocks him senseless with a chair shot. Dallas Darke throws the chair to the mat and he pulls the Black Guy to his feet and he hits the Twist Of Fate onto the chair! Dallas Darke signals that he is going to hit the Swantom Bomb off the top as he ascends the top turn buckle… but wait, a pyro goes off!

Here comes the Forces of Good! Dick Cheney’s Daughter, Hand Solo, 101010101010101010, and Eiwehc rush to the ring and it is an all-out brawl! Chris Flare and Tyrone Jackson cannot deal with the odds game here as everybody is cleared of the ring, except for Hand Solo who grabs Dallas Darke off the top and throws him to the mat.

Hand Solo threatens Dallas Darke with the beat-down of his life, his fists are clenched in anger. Hand Solo swings around, kicks The Black Guy in the gut and hits a pile driver. Dallas Darke drapes his arm across the chest of the Black Guy, the referee makes the 1-2-3! What in the hell is going on?!?

Dick Cheney’s Daughter is confused as to why Hand Solo would betray the Forces Of Good. 1010101010101010 the robot is in the ring now and Hand Solo punches right through the stomach. Hand Solo emerges with a part of 10101010101010101 in his hands that he drops in the middle of the ring, and the robot falls to the mat! He is no longer operational!

Dick Cheney’s Daughter starts to yell at Hand Solo to stop, but Eiwehc grabs her by the arms and simply rips them off! As the daughter of the former vice president stands in the ring shock, blood flying everywhere, Eiwehc rips off her head! Holy shit!

Dallas Darke has a smug grin on his face as he and the former Robbie California embrace in the middle of the ring with a hug. Robbie California grabs a microphone and decides to speak up after his betrayal of his once great stable, “bet you mother fuckers didn’t see that one coming. Especially you Lobster! Since day #1, the only reason I was aligned with you was NECESSITY. You cut off my damn hand and than forced me to join your pussy STABLE. Well fuck you Lobster. And fuck this stupid-ass dyke and this stupid ass robot. They actually believed the Lobster and all of his lies.

“And fuck you Black Guy! Don’t think I forgot about three months ago when I had to take in your god-damn luggage. I’m like an elephant, I never fucking forget nigger! Two nights ago, Dallas approached me and offered me a deal. I took it, not because of the money, not because of the fame, not because of the sex, but because I am Robbie California, I am not HAND SOLO! The days of Hand Solo are dead! The day of Robbie California is ALIVE and WELL, as I stand beside my friend, Dallas Darke. The man who opened his arms to me at the very beginnining of my career here and said that I was welcome. The Forces Of Good was a crock of bull-shit, the only reason I was there was because I was covering my own ass. I needed to make sure I had people supporting me, but I’ve found better support. And unfortunately, these two pieces of shit had to be eradicated.”

Dallas Darke picks up the microphone and he decides to speak, “Robbie California is always accepted in the greatest stable of all time, The Darke Collective. Eiwehc, is not.”

Dallas Darke suddenly has a pistol in his hand pointed at the forehead of the great beast Eiwehc! He fires it and blood, fur and flesh go everywhere! Robbie California, Chris Flare, Tyrone Jackson and Dallas Darke all stand victorious in the ring over the fallen body of the Black Guy. Just another step towards a full take-over by one of the strongest forces in wrestling history – Dallas Darke.

WINNER: DALLAS DARKE

RPS · January 17, 2005

DWA DUCK YOU

Duck You has a strange twist this week – there is tons of advertisements instead of the usual opening video. There are advertisements for every company you can imagine – McDonalds, Pepsi, Nike, PS2, amongst other. At the end it is introduced by the owner of the Duck Commonwealth of Corporations [D.C.C] – the Duck. A voice-over explains that a recent corporate collaboration in the take-over of the United States of America has allowed for all of these big-business partners to come together to promote their super-brand of products under the new D.C.C moniker.

From the crowd emerges two familiar superstars, Jimmy Rebel and Johnny Renegade. They must have caught the wrong flight and entered the wrong wrestling arena, because this isn’t the company they work for. They work for the nemesis of the Duck, Dallas Darke and his company MBSEL. Jimmy Rebel is in the ring first with a sign that says ‘RELIEF FOR TSUNAMI” and Johnny Renegade stands awkwardly with no sign, but a cocky grin on his face.

JIMMY REBEL: “We have come not on a mission of anger towards the D.W.A, unlike our WAR mongering boss DALLAS DARKE. No, quite the opposite, we have come with the ideals of peace, glory and wealth of all. For those who are unaware, a tsunami crushed through parts of South Asia, killing hundreds of thousands. And many are partaking in projects to raise funds. Well, wrestling has done zero so far, and I must say this is appalling. So me and my protest-brother have persuaded Dallas Darke to run a show over in Sri Lanka for all of our fans in Sri Lanka. All proceeds for the show will go to benefit Sri Lanka, so we are hoping there is a huge turn-out. Now, any wrestler interested in partaking in the show can just make their ways down the aisle and they can sign this here piece of paper. We have yet to get signatures from people of MBSEL, but hopefully next week we will be running the show, from Sri Lanka in the MBSEL Wednesday Night-Wank Fest timeslot. Details about flight and pay will be worked out after. But right now, we just need interested wrestlers. Anybody from the back willingly to step forward?”

There is a complete and utter silence for a good minute. Jimmy Rebel and Johnny Renegade stand patiently in the ring with their sign-up sheet for the benefit show. Out from the back comes one of the biggest names in D.W.A, Triple L {2401-LEG}. He hops to the ring missing his leg, he slides in the ring and grabs the pen.

JIMMY REBEL: “What is your name, son?”

TRIPLE L {2401-LEG}: “The name is Triple L {2401-LEG}.”

JIMMY REBEL: “We’d like to thank you on behalf of all of those crushed by the waves.”

TRIPLE L {2401-LEG}: “Uh… okay.”

Triple L {2401-LEG} proceeds to sign on the dotted line. But wait, Johnny Colorado’s music blares up over the speakers and the out-spoken asshole makes his way down the aisle. Johnny Colorado slaps Triple L {2401-LEG} out of the ring and he has a pen in his hand.

JOHNNY COLORADO: “To prove to the world I ain’t that big of an asshole, I’ll sign up and do some charity work.”

The Magical Drunken Truck Driver Also Known As Moop interrupts the sign process, the tag-team partner of Johnny Colorado last week. Moop staggers his way down the aisle and into the ring. He rips the pen from the hand of Johnny Colorado and signs up.

JIMMY REBEL: “Are you sure you should be signing things when drunk?”

MOOP: “Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoa.”

Moop proceeds to roll out of the ring and he passes out right beside the steps. Johnny Colorado picks up the pen and proceeds to scrawl his name down right beneath Moops and Triple L {2401-LEG}. Johnny Colorado rolls to the outside and proceeds to help a drunken Moop up to his feet and towards the backstage area. Christ Love make their way’s out, but they stand on the stage with microphones.

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “You know what, those sinners in Asia got what THEY deserved. Perhaps if they believed in the Good Lord, Jesus Christ, than nothing bad would have happened to them. We refuse to do SINNING CHARITY, I for one am glad the Tsunami hit them. They are in hell where they belong.”

Frank and Coby appear behind Christ Love and chase them to the back. Frank Reynolds and Coby Colorado make their ways down to the ring and they sign up and than leave. So far we’ve got Triple L, Johnny Colorado, Moop, Frank Reynolds and Coby Colorado. Harold Agnes is the last wrestler to make his way down to the aisle as he skateboards his way to the ring. Harold Agnes slicks back his hair with some gel and he slides into the ring.

HAROLD AGNES: “Yo, my PALS.”

JIMMY REBEL: “We are only pals with people who sign-up for our charity show.”

HAROLD AGNES: “I am going to sign up, just COOL out. I just wanted to hang out with some sly RABBITS like you two.”

JOHNNY RENEGADE: “Sir, don’t embarrass yourself.”

HAROLD AGNES: “What? Do you think I am too old to be hanging out with you two?”

JIMMY REBEL: “How old are you?”

HAROLD AGNES: “I’ve been told I look between eighteen and twenty five.”

JIMMY REBEL: “Are they blind? You look two hundred and SEVENTY!”

HAROLD AGNES: “I am cool with the kids. I can get JIGGER with it.”

Jimmy Rebel and Johnny Renegade let Harold Agnes sign the contract and they are about to leave the ring when from the back emerges the powerful force who runs D.W.A., the Duck! The Duck has a bombshell announcement to make allegedly.

THE DUCK: “Quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack. Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack!”

JIMMY REBEL: “It is an honor to be in your presence, but Duck, we don’t speak Quack.”

THE DUCK: “quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack.”

Jimmy Rebel and Johnny Renegade shrug their shoulders in unison and decide to leave through the crowd where they originated from. The Duck just eyes down Harold Agnes and an impromptu match is going to start.

D.W.A. SATANISM TITLE MATCH

THE DUCK versus HAROLD AGNES©

The Duck rushes down to the ring and Harold Agnes is awaiting him. The two exchange lefts and rights and the Duck gets the upper wing. The Duck throws Harold Agnes into the ropes and Harold Agnes manages to hit a roll-up out of no where and he goes for the cover. 1-2-3!

The Duck has a look of anger in his face as the referee hands the title over to Harold Agnes. The Duck rips the title away and he begins to quack furiously. The referee rings the bell as a huge man-beast appears behind Harold Agnes.

WINNER: HAROLD AGNES

D.W.A. SATANISM TITLE MATCH

WENDELL MEHITLER versus HAROLD AGNES©

The huge man-beast Wendell Mehitler grabs Harold Agnes by the throat and he raises him in the air and drops him smack down in the middle of the ring. Harold Agnes struggles to his feet as Wendell Mehitler sizes him up for the big boot! The big boot connects and Wendell Mehitler covers Harold Agnes and gets the sloppy three count.

WINNER: WENDELL MEHITLER to WIN THE D.W.A. SATANISM TITLE MATCH

SUDDEN DEATH, D.W.A. SATANISM TITLE MATCH

WENDELL MEHITLER© versus TRIPLE L {2401-LEG} versus CAL SMITH versus X-PAC

A sudden death match is simple; there are 4 wrestlers one title on the line. You must successfully pin all opponents before you are awarded the match. Meaning, if Cal Smith manages to beat X-Pac, he hasn’t won the match, he has to beat all wrestlers involved! But there is a catch. If you are pinned 3 times, you are eliminated from the match! Meaning even if you are the close to victory, if you have been pinned by all three wrestlers you are ELIMINATED! Meaning there are two ways to win – pin everybody in the match or be the last man standing.

All of the sudden, the ring fills with 4 different men all chasing after Wendell and his Satanism Title! The first man is Cal Smith, who gets tossed half-way across the ring! Holy shit, that must have hurt. Cal Smith gets to his feet and Wendell Mehitler power bombs him straight in the middle of the ring. Triple L {2401-LEG} has a big huge horse bone in his hands as he slides into the ring and hits Wendell Mehitler. He covers, but Wendell kicks out.

Triple L signals to the crowd he is going to end it with the Descent, but wait, Wendell Mehitler stalls him with a thumb to the eye. Wendell Mehitler sends Triple L into the ropes and he hits one hell of a body slam. Wendell covers for the two count as Cal Smith manages to break up the count. Cal Smith grabs Wendell Mehitler and he tosses him into the ropes and he is going to drop him with a drop kick, but Wendell just runs him down with a clothes line.

In the ring now with a chair is X-Pac! Wendell Mehitler meets nothing but steel as the man known as X-Pac knocked him out cold. The referee makes the three count and X-Pac is in the lead.

WENDELL MEHITLER:

X-PAC: WENDELL MEHITLER

TRIPLE L: NONE

CAL SMITH: NONE

X-Pac proceeds to leave the ringside, fed up with the hardcore standards of the match, but Cal Smith and Triple L follow him all the way onto the ramp. X-Pac dodges a one legged drop kick by Triple L, but gets hit with an axe kick by Cal Smith. Cal covers, but only a two count. Wendell Mehitler has awoken and he is stampeding up the ramp!

The three cruiserweights all try to jump onto Wendell Mehitler who just sends them all the floor with separate attacks. Cal Smith gets to his feet first and Wendell Mehitler kicks him in the gut and he hoists him into the air. Power bomb right off the steel stage and onto the pavement below! Wendell Mehitler goes to cover Cal Smith, but X-Pac kicks him numerous times and than goes for the X-Factor. Wendell Mehitler reverses it mid move right into the Alabama Slam right onto the steel ramp. Wendell covers and X-Pac cannot kick out in time.

WENDELL MEHITLER: X-PAC

X-PAC: WENDELL MEHITLER

TRIPLE L: NONE

CAL SMITH: NONE

Wendell Mehitler walks over to Cal Smith lying on the pavement, his head busted open and he makes the easy cover once again! What does this mean? Wendell only has to cover the one legged super-star, Triple L, for the victory!