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Tom Waits Wrestling

Guest Kou

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Guest Mr McFarlane

It was the dead of winter, I sat in the corridor with my .337 compact clutched into my gloved hands, I knew this all to well as the life of a professional hitman.

Voice: Fuck this game, This is some stupid glitchy shit.

And with that, Hitman 2: Contracts was thrown across the room in a dramatic fashion, The CD sticking into the wall where other great "hits" lay.

Kou: Fucking goddamn peice of shit video games, I'll kill all them all! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Kou: Oh wait, This is the backyard diary right?


Kou: Oh....Well....Wanna retry?

Sure, Whatever floats your boat.


It was October the Second, Or whatever the date was. I don't have a calender so I never knew these things, You think it's hard to take out the garbage every week? Try taking out the garbage when you don't even know what fucking day it is. I made my own system up of names for days that I scratch into my mirror. Today it is Fuorwanda, Go Fuorwanda.

Anyways, The big news headline today was that everyone's sex god, Tom Waits, had struck it rich when his new record was bought by everyone in the world, seriously, He's like Jesus now. Everyone is like "Britney Spears? Nah whore we like teh Waits now" Yes, In Canada we say teh, And when I say Canada I mean the Canada that exists in this backyard diary, Don't say teh in real life it'll make you sound stupid nevermind that you already look the part.

So yeah, My King and Lord, Mr. Waits had billions and billions of dollars. So I decided I'll get him very very drunk and make him give me gobs of money to start my own wrasslin promotion, And since I like to start off genuine we'll operate out of the backyard of whatever house I buy with Tommy boy's money. It'll work like um........Um.....Fuck off.

You know what?

I can't write this backstory, Thus. I'm just going to fuck you all over and have this half backstory >_> In short, I got Waits drunk and made him give me tons of money and now I run a backyard diary out of my large large home.

So yeah this post is pointless, I could of just went "ME DO BACKYARD" and hit post topic, But I tried and that's what counts. So if you want to attempt to make fun of my backstory. Go ahead, Because I'll be asleep and you can say whatever you want about me. It's actually the best time to make fun of me, Unlike what Beatnik says.

So um, Fuck off.

NEXT: Wrassler Tryouts, Mystery Men style.

Edited by Angry Kouboon
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Guest Mr McFarlane

(Note: I'll admit it, I have poor punctuation skills. So sue me =P)


<s>Retarded</s> Young upstart wrestlers wanted, Must be able to take table bumps and have at least a good sense of what to do with a microphone. If interested come to the open auditions on October 10th 2004, 134 Bambooshuteuptheassofapandabear Lane at 7 PM.

Well I paid the local newspaper a shitload of money for that ad, Considering I just bought the paper and put that ad on every single page. If there's one way to get people's attention it's to cram something so far down their throat that it starts to digest into their stomach and seeps into the blood system which flows into the brain and tells it that it should wrestle for Tom Waits Wrestling or they'll go to hell. Where they will obviously have to shave Hitler's ass. Hitler had a hairy ass, I swear if he had lived to when George Lucas was casting for Chewbacca they would have planted googily eyes on Hitler's ass and superimpose a mouth onto it.

Anyways where was I? Oh yes, Yes. The open auditions. This was really a mixed bag of douchebaggery. I say that because Douchebaggery is a cool word, Biznatch. At 7:01 Pm we started, Well I mean I started. A large line of 20 had formed in the backyard of my new home where the brand new spankin ring I had bought sat underneath a tarp. A sexy tarp.

Prove it's not a sexy tarp. That's right, You can't. So stop blaming the tarp for being so sexy, You tool.

I used quite a simple format for plowing through the 20 men as fast as I could (surprisingly no women showed up, Could be because I included a photo that said 'No Fat Chicks' in the ad). Simply, They gave me their gimmick name an some spiel.

Kou: Name?

Le Viking: Bonjour, Je suis Le Viking.

Obviously this man traveled a long way, For I could tell he was just a French Canadian with a Viking helmet on.

Kou: So you're a french Viking?

Le Viking: Oui.

Kou: Anything else?

Le Viking: Non.

Obviously I had to hire this sexy man beast, And so we had the second man on our judging panel. Le Viking.

Cade Sydal: Heyyyyyy Kou-y baby, It's me! Cade!

Kou: Who?

Cade Sydal: (studdering)C-Cade Sydal? EWB superstar?

Kou: Doesn't ring a bell, What's your gimmick.

Cade Sydal: Well I'm the Teen Idol!

Kou: I'm a teen, I don't idolize you.

Cade Sydal: Well....Um...Am I hired?

Kou: Yeah, You're probably the only trained worker here.

Cade Sydal: WOOHOO!

And after Cade had finished doing the Charleston on top of the table I set up, with Le Viking clapping with the pace Cade has set, we had our second wrestler. Mr. Cade Sydal.

Kou: Name?

Richard Mutohkawadachronoakiyamanagataliger: Richard Mutohkawadachronoakiyamanagataliger.

Kou: Holy christwagons boy that name is longer then 2 Cold Scorpio's horsecock. You Japanese?

Richard: Yessir.

Kou: Good, You're hired. But I'm repacking you sucka, So get ready for a new gimmick.

Richard nodded and went into the house, For you see I had it custom built in a day or two. I had the FOX show Renovate my Family duped into building my own house while I rented out a poor family to pose as the family to be Renovated. You should of seen the joy in little Joey's face as I hit him over the head with a two by four to shut him up after he found out that this is my home and not his.

All the wrestlers I hire, though to get back on the subject, Will live in the house so I may do a show whenever the fuck I want because I'm a lazy summsabitch and when I figure out some decent angles I can run a show whenever the hell I want. Cade and Richard had already ventured outside the house as Le Viking continued to sit with me to approve the wrestlers I sign as only he can. Which is usually spewing out French swear words and then trying to headbutt the guy with his helmet. Yeah, I'm going to make him a heel.


Kou: The hell was that? Viking, Go check it out.

And with that I sent the confused French Canadian off to find who requested his "fuckin' whiskey" and if the person he called a whore was a hot woman I could bang. Man do I loves my hot women. Five or six minutes later, I wasn't really counting because I was playing one of my favorite games "Guess which wrestler is gay" I picked correctly and rejected him on the spot.

Poor Kriss Sprules.

Viking came back looking quite surprised and scared shitless.

Viking: Meester Koow!

Kou: It's Koo you separatist, Now what is it?

Viking: Jewust coum!

Kou: Jewish cum? Are you hitting on me?

A few hand gestures later and I was following him to quite a scene, A drunken man was throwing whiskey bottles at a poster of a stick figure with boobs. It only took a few moments to figure out who this man was.

Drunk Man: Whooss the hellsh is youu?

Kou: Why I'm international sex symbol Kou J McFarlane, And you're a very drunk Arn Anderson.

Arn Anderson: Soshh? WHERE'S MY WHISKEY!

Kou: Hey hey hey hey hey, Calm down there big man. Kou will get you all the whiskey you want if...

Arn: (angering) If what?? IF WHAAAT?

Kou: If you (under his breath) wrestle for my sexy backyard company that I'm currently saying under my breath because it's cooler that way and creates drama.

Arn: (laughing) I like your style kid! Sure I'll buy you a cat for some whiskey.

Yep, I just tricked a very drunk Arn Anderson into working for my promotion. Of course I got this in writing very quickly so he couldn't get out of it once he was out of his Jack Daniels (See how I draw certain people in? First Cade Sydal and now sycodmn? >_>) haze. Though I'll never let him get out of that beautiful drunken state, He's like an abusive Santa Claus, Pere Noel to my fine French Canadian friend.

But unfortunately during my conversation with the former Horseman all the other yardtards who had shown up for the tryout had left. With my roster just at 4 I had to come up with something sort of quick, Even though my first planned show was going to take place two weeks from now. I need them wrasslers, By Gawd I needed them like A GOVERMENT MULE. HE'S WHIPPING HIM LIKE A GOVERMENT MULE! Oh...Oh sorry, I had too much damn JR's BBQ sauce.

I'm just going to make sure Arn doesn't piss on my carpets now.


PS: I named the Kittten "Lobster Messiah"

Edited by Calm Kou
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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Mr McFarlane



Cade Sydal:

You know Cade Sydal, Geez. He's like the only established person here. Plus putting him in my diary forces him to read it. >_>

Dragon Jones:

1/4th Terry Funk, 1/4th Eugene, 2/4th Yardtard. Bake on high for 9 months and what do you get? Why Dragon Jones of course. Dragon is a long time friend of myself and he's semi trained. Which means he's still a yardtard but he can take more punishment because he knows how to fall. His main finisher is the "deadly" Metropolitan Glide. Basically just Jeff Jarrett's Stoke done by a probable escaped mental patient.


He showed up in little black tights claming he was here to destroy all types of "mold"

I later found out mold meant other people, Works for me.

Finisher of course is a Spear, You can't have a Goldberg knock off without a spear.

It'd be like having Christmas without Santa Clause

The Lobster Messiah:

The Lobster Messiah is a very mysterious....Lobster I suppose. He claims to be the next Chris Benoit, Just dressed up in a Lobster outfit. Yeah, This one was made up at about 3 am when I thought it was funny >_>

His finisher is the Lobster Driver. No one knows what the hell it is though. He just thought adding Driver to Lobster would be a good thing.

Tom Waits:

He was so drunk to agree to wrestle/whatever he wants for us.

Since he's a musician you can just imagine how well he can wrestle. Plus he's like 46.


Angrrry Soffa:

Well to fill out the roster we picked up an old couch at a garage sale and painted angry eyebrows on it. You know, To make it look all menacing and badass. I think it's finisher would be stealing loose change but I can't be sure on that

Drunk Arn Anderson:

You know the legendary Arn Anderson? You ever see him wrestle drunk, Thus making his stiffness shoot through the roof? Well now you get this awesome opportunity. Drunken Spinebusters for all!

Jimmy Hoffa's Dead Body:

Another roster filling inanimate object, JHDB is a male blowup doll dressed to look like mobster Jimmy Hoffa. Obviously he'll be the most explosive wrestler on the roster. (/pun)


Yeah, Most of my Tweeners suck badly. So shut up.

Robot is obviously, A robot. Poor Lil' Timmy wanted to wrestle in TWW (Well he's not that little but it makes this more interesting) so Arn Anderson wrapped him up in tinfoil and told him to make beeping noises while Arn fucks him up in the ring. Arn is a fine trainer.

Snuggles the Wonder Bear:

Obviously I needed more caffeine while I made up these characters as this one is just a rip off of the Sexual Harrassment Panda.

Hey wait that's actually pretty decent. His finisher is the bone crushing Snuggly Softness.

THE RUDOOOOOOSSSSS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! (You can tell they're scoundrels with that many tildes)

Blandy Snoreton:

I hate Randy Orton. The R-Snore-O is this man's finisher.

Incredibly Black Man:

I actually didn't come up with this one, Or I did. I have no clue. I think Heel Turn helped me along with this one. Anyyyways. IBM (Heh, IBM. Like the computers. >_>) is the l33t gangbanger 3xtr33m3 from Compton.....Nigga. (Kou's Lawyers apologize for whoever this offended, But thankfully the only african american member of EWB is taking care of his illegitimate child. Zing.)

His finisher is the uber deadly Incredibly Black Driver (I have a Driver Fetish)

Keiji Sydal:

Remember that Japanese kid with the really long name? He's now locked in a 40 year battle with Cade Sydal. His trademark move is the Nightcap. See, Because Cade's is the Nightcap, And their family so they have to use the same moveset or they're fired. I'm the best booker ever.

Le Viking:

He's French Canadian. He's a Viking. How much more rudo could you get? You can't that's how. Don't even try to be more rudo then that. Your skin would split and you'd bleed all over the ring for attempting to be so rudo. Le Tigre Chauffeur est son apprêteur.

PS: Took you long enough Kou, You lazy bastard (/anyone who reads this diary)

NEXT: The Card for the very first TWW show! Expect that in 8 to 10 weeks.

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Guest Mr McFarlane


Yes it's a tournament, Yes it's a tournament for the TWW Heavyweight Championship.

Drunk Arn Anderson


Keiji Sydal

Le Viking


Snuggles the Wonder Bear

Dragon Jones


Blandy Snoreton



Jimmy Hoffa's Dead Body

Incredibly Black Man



Angrrry Soffa


Cade Sydal


Winner of Arn v K. Sydal


Winner of Viking v Snuggles


Winner of Dragon v Snoreton


Winner of Robot v Hoffa


Winner of IBM v Moldberg


Winner of Soffa v Cade


Semi Final 1 Winner v Semi Final 2 Winner v Semi Final 3 Winner

Predictions welcome,

Anyone who goes 0 for how many there are will be booed until my throat is hoarse and sore.

Edited by Quixotic Kou
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Drunk Arn Anderson


Keiji Sydal

Drunken Arn Anderson > Almost all.

Winner: Drunk Arn Anderson

Le Viking


Snuggles the Wonder Bear

I like French Canadians. Why? I will never know.

Winner: Le Viking

Dragon Jones


Blandy Snoreton

A heel needs to win.

Winner: Blandy Snoreton



Jimmy Hoffa's Dead Body

If he can't beat an inflatable doll, I will be upset.

Winner: Robot

Incredibly Black Man



I am afraid an Incredibly Black Man is better then a Goldberg rip off.

Winner: IBM

Angrrry Soffa


Cade Sydal

Um yeah... only one can move.

Winner: Cade Sydal

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