Favorite Comedian Lines

[fourstarfizzle]

"I reckon, if an athlete gets caught with physical enhancing drugs, they should be punished, but with physical debilitating drugs.... if you can smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, then fair play to you!"

Eddie Izzard

[Docpepper]

She turns a blind eye while her husband got more ass than the toilet at the chili cook-off - larry the Cable guy - about Hilary clinton

[Lord Nibbler]

The stuff on 'Animals' about the Bible is GENIUS.

"In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth...and the Earth was without form and void and darkness was on the face of the deep"...bit dark, he sorted that out. "And God said 'Let there be light' and there was light"...

Ain't that brilliant? Eh? Oh come on, that's amazing. He made light up! There was nothing before. It's not like he saw some on holiday and said 'That'll be good back on Earth', he made it up! There was no...there was nothing to go by. It's not like there was twilight and he said 'Let's have that a little brighter' [...] Which means...that He created the Heaven and Earth in the dark! Fuckin' Hell, how good is that? I'd have gone "Right, let's have a little bit of light, see what we're doing...Riiight, I'm gonna need some planets..."

Chapter Three...I'm not havin' a go at Him, cause He is brilliant, but in my HUMBLE opinion I think the snake was a mistake.

OK, Chapter Three...his difficult third series. It's gonna get criticised whatever, isn't it? After all the good he did in One and Two...

I watch hours on end of the History Channel and the Discover Channel, back and forth...ask me anything about sharks and Nazis.

Not as bad as a lot of people make out...sharks I mean. Nazis, horrible, don't get me...Sharks: Brilliant, Nazis: Rubbish!

But the shark's an amazing creature. It got sensors up its body, it can tell the slightest movement in water, a floundering fish, through electrical impulses, and zone in on that. It's got good eyesight, contrary to popular belief. And it can taste and smell the slightest human secretion of blood and sweat, one part in a BILLION, from a MILE away. A shark would have found Anne Frank like *that*"

"You can lead a cow upstairs, but not down"...that's true by the way, it's the way their joints don't oppose...think of the poor bastard who found that out the hard way.

"Come on Daisy, down you go"

"Oooh, I can't go downstairs, my joints..."

"I don't care about your joints, my wife's coming home in five minutes, get down the stairs...

Peter Kay

How do you kill a circus? Go for the jugula...

Used to be an old woman who lived next door to us there were a power cut one night, me mum went round see if she were alright;

"Are you alright, I was worried about you cause there's been a power cut?"

"Has there? I though there'd been a power cut, but then bus went past wi' it's lights on..."

Yeah, they plug em in now love, with a wire...

I went to cinema, I said 'You alright nan, help yourself to a pick 'n' mix, I'll get these...whoa whoa whoa...fudge? Feel the weight of 'em before you put em in. Flumps, marshmallows, that's what you want. Flyin saucers, have as many of them as you want

They never swear when they come in on those [Crimewatch] reconstructions "Come on, get on the floor you sponge. Come on, get that flippin' safe open you melon". How realistic is that?

Steven Wright

Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect

I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes

Edited May 25, 2004 by Jimmy the Exploder

[Kaney]

I love the Peter Kay adverts for the beer. The one where he gets rid of his mother is genius.

"Come on mum, I'm taking you to the old folks home."

"Are you mad? I'm 55."

"Yeah, but I've had a word, they'll take you, now come on."

"Why should I go live in an old folks home?"

"Cos I want to put a snooker table in your room, and kids are scared of your moustache. Avante!" *whistles*

[therockbox]

Good old Peter Kay. I liked the one where they're all sitting around the table in the restaurant and his phone rings.

"Hello? She's what? Put her on."

He puts his over the reciever and says to his friends "Monsters under the bed." They all chuckle, as he goes back onto the phone.

"... Its not the monsters under the bed you should be scared about, its the burglars coming in through the windows that you need to worry about."

Or something to that effect. Classic.

[Guest Rust Never Sleeps]

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

-- Jerry Seinfeld

"What do atheists scream when they come?"

-- Bill Hicks

"When Jesus comes back to earth the last thing he'll want to see is a cross."

-- Bill Hicks

"Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!"

-- Chris Rock

[At a bar]"If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."

-- Dave Attell

[William_The_Bloody]

Despite all warnings, you've never met anyone whio has had their arm broken by a swan. - Peter Kay

There's a sign at the airport saying "All left items will be destroyed, so i thought 'Phuck It, i'll bring me fridge in" - Lee Evans

[Ananas]

"When I smoked, I didn't like second-hand smoke. You know? I like that first-hand smoke because you get to suck it right out of the cigarette, you know? And that second-hand -- any fucking thing that's already been ingested by someone is not as good. You know what I mean? Like a pork sandwich is delicious, but ... a digested pork sandwich? That's fucking shit!"

-Norm MacDonald-