All's Fair in Love, War, and Wrestling

[Steve Corino]

The Players:

"Beautiful Beejus" (Bigg Jonn / Steve Corino)

Prepared to show you how to book RAW to make money, but still have fun along the way.

"Sweet Sime" (MeanMugginMatt / Simon / Mr Muggy)

Ready to show you how to book SmackDown! to kill brain cells, and make you wonder why you still watch wrestling.

The Federation:

World Wrestling Entertainment

The Date:

April 1st, 2005

Everything is fair game.

Before we Begin Notes: There is no backstory whatsoever here. We've been doing this diary for a month or so over at Gamefaqs on the WWE Games Social Board, so if you think you may have seen this before, then if you go there, chances are you have. The only difference is that in a few shows (once we're finished moving things over) we can be all fancy and use colors here. Ooooo, pretty. We also do not write our shows out. So if you only read fully written matches (you uppity bastard) then stop right now.

Some of you are still there? Good. Now let's get started.

Alright, now we're about to post our rosters. If you look at our rosters, you'll see some changes to the personnel of each show. That's because we made some trades and some releases. Very few releases, though. Here are the people who were switched around.

Traded to SmackDown!

Shelton Benjamin

Snitsky

Randy Orton

Eugene Dinsmore

Robert Conway

Val Venis

Traded to RAW

Charlie Haas

Dawn Marie

Big Show

Danny Basham

Doug Basham

Paul Heyman

Fired

Joy Giovanni

Michelle McCool

Candice Michelle

Maria Knellis

Jerry Lawler

Hardcore Holly (Sime says: because he injured Carlito. YOU DON'T INJURE CARLITO! Can tell how much fun this will be already, can't you?)

Why did we do it that way? Who knows; maybe we just hate draft lotteries. It sounds good anyways, doesn't it?

Sweet Sime shall be here soon to post his roster and the first Velocity.

Edited July 11, 2005 by Steve Corino

[Mr Muggy]

Well kids, here we go... here's the roster for SMACKDOWN!!!!! Looks much better with lots of exclamation points, doesn't it?

Wrestling Dudes

Akio

Al Snow

"Mr. Torrie Wilson" Billy Kidman

Booker T

Bubba Ray Dudley

Carlito Caribbean Cool

Chavo Guerrero

D'Von Dudley

"Latino Heat" Eddie Guerrero

Eugene Dinsmore *

"Smackdown Numba One Announcah" Funaki

"Your Lord and Savior" Gene Snitsky *

"Wrestling God" JBL

John Cena

Heidenreich

"Bronze Warrior" Kenzo Suzuki

"Olympic Hero" Kurt Angle

"He Can't Jump Really High" Luther Reigns

"He Can Jump Really High" Mark Jindrak

Nunzio

Orlando Jordan

Paul London

Psychosis

"The Legend Killer" Randy Orton *

"The French Phenom" Rene Dupree

Rey Mysterio

"Mr. Thursday Night" Rob Van Dam

Robert Conway *

Scotty 2 Hotty

"I Am a Giant Tool" Shannon Moore

Shelton Benjamin *

"Da Boss" Spike Dudley

The Undertaker

"The New Ron Jeremy" Val Venis *

Chicks

Hiroko

Miss Jackie

"Screechin" Stephanie McMahon

Torrie Wilson

The Peeps Who Don't Wrestle and Manage

"The Racketeer" Jim Cornette

Theodore Long

I'm on Your TV When You Watch...

WWE Velocity

WWE Smackdown!

*Traded to Smackdown

Alright gang, my first show is coming up here. It was my first show, so I'm feeling myself out here with the style and way I present.

[Mr Muggy]

WWE Velocity

April 2, 2005

The First Show Under the Simon Regime... God Help Us All

Commentators for this evening are Michael Cole and Al Snow.

This Is the First Match? It's Not Looking Too Promising Right Now

Rene Dupree & Kenzo Suzuki w/Hiroko & Fifi vs. Shannon Moore & Scotty 2 Hotty

Kenzo and Rene just absolutely destroy the two babyface job... er... cruiserweights. Yeah, that should work... Kenzo claw hold slams Scotty and Rene Dupree Drivers that giant tool Shannon Moore into the mat for a three count in a ok match for Kenzo & Rene standards. Rene then does the one thing that gets him over... THE ****** DANCE! Then Kenzo starts doing the funky chicken. Rene sees this and just shakes his head.

Overall: 67% Crowd: 62% Match: 73% (*3/4 under Dames review)

It's Germany vs. Japan. Hey, weren't they friends in World War II?

Heidenreich vs. Funaki

Have you figured out what Velocity is to be about during the Simon Regime? SQUASHES. Lots and lots of squashes. I am such a brilliant booker. Anyways, Funaki ain't getting no push right now, so he's screwed. Heidenreich comes out with his new friend, a potted plant he found at a store than said it was talking to him. Well it was a venus fly trap and it was eating a fly... but Heidenreich think it spoke to him. Oh those wacky germans.... Heidenreich sloppy beats down Funaki and pins him after a vicious shoulder breaker that didn't actually break Funaki's shoulder. Heidenreich hugs his new friend... which takes a nice bite out of his shoulder.

O: 65% C: 64% M: 67% (*)

And it's 1998 all over again...

...as we see Val Venis lounging in a bed with two apparently naked women underneath the sheets. He has declared his career will rise again... just like he does every single night for the ladies. And look for his videos soon on Beta and VHS. Wait... do they even make Beta anymore? Ok, DVD... The peeps in the crowd liked the video apparently. Nostalgia and naked woman kick ass.

O: 80%

And here comes the least deserving U.S. champion in history... which means I am SO pushing him...

For the United States Title

Orlando Jordan © vs. Al Snow

Michael Cole goes solo on commentary as Al Snow enters the ring to take on OJ and his magnificent head of hair. Note: OJ's new attire is long tights and he is wearing black gloves now. Al Snow totally dominates OJ and looks to take him out with the Snow Plow. OJ floats over though and rolls up Al Snow with a pull of the tights for the uno, dos, tres. That was his ONLY offensive move of the entire match. What a champion. He runs away holding his title high.

O: 65% C: 66% M: 66% (*)

And we come back from commercial to see Al Snow complaning about the tight pull... but in the ring... we see a set up with a big pole with some bars hanging out high up on the pole. There are decorations all around the ring... and here comes... Mark Jindrak?

Jindrak comes out in street clothes and welcomes everyone to his very own segment on Velocity! Yes, I am giving Mark Jindrak a push... but what gimmick did I give him you ask? Well, this was our backstage discussion earlier today...

Simon: So Mr. Jindrak... tell me about your skills.

Jindrak: Well Mr. Simon, I'm pretty technically gifted. I've been told I have the best left hook in the business... I am a very proficent high-flier. I can jump pretty damn high. I can also-

Simon: THAT'S IT!

Jindrak: What's it?

Simon: That's your new gimmick!

Jindrak: What, that I can jump high?

Simon: Yeah, we'll give you your own show and everything! The Mark Jindrak Jump Challenge!

Jindrak: Um... Simon, what are you smoking?

Simon: Nothing... but my boy Reece has some high quality weed and acid in the van out in the lot if ya want some.

So Mark Jindrak explains he's here for the Mark Jindrak Jump Challenge. What a great name, I know. He calls out anyone who thinks they can jump higher than him.. and out walks Luther Reigns. Yeah right... Mark Jindrak touches a really freaking high bar on his jump. He then tells Luther to touch it. He misses it by 2 feet. Jindrak declares he didn't even put too much effort into that jump. Luther goes to attack him, but Mark nails him when he jumps really high in the air and hits the BIG FRIGGIN DROPKICK knocking Luther out cold. Yes, I made his finisher a dropkick. I am magnificent. And the first Mark Jindrak Jump Challenge ends with Jindrak standing tall and jumping high. And did I mention he has a great head of hair too?

O: 66%

And now watch me **** up the best part of watching Velocity...

For the Cruiserweight Title

Paul London © vs. Chavo Guerrero

Chavo comes out normal... alright... and hear comes Paul London... to the Ultimate Warrior music! He runs out with face paint, those little things on his arm, and a million tassles all over the place! He runs around the ring about 3 times then runs in as Chavo rushes out of the ring screaming "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Paul then grabs a mike and explains that he is here on behalf of his God, the Ultimate Warrior and all the little warriors from the planet warrior to obliterate and not discriminate all the little non-warrior weaklings in existence. Hunh? He then says by the power of the white squirrel on the full moon the tetherball poll in the playground, he will smite the non-warrior that is Chavo Guerrero. WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVATE!

Paul London then attacks Chavo, gorilla presses him and splashes him for a 3 count in 22 seconds. He grabs his cruiserweight title and runs away as the crowd just sits there wondering what the hell just happened in front of them.

O: 70% C: 64% M: 77% (**)

Paul London gained 3 points of overness. Chavo lost 1. Gee, I wonder why...

Overall: 66%. Oh we can do so much better than that... and we will! Tune in for Smackdown this Thursday to see more of the Simon regime!

We got a 4.05 for that menagerie of insanity and 7541 packed some place in the Midwest that I've never heard of. Probably Iowa or something...

[Steve Corino]

WWE RAW

Male Wrestlers

Batista (World Heavyweight Champion)

The Big Show *

Charlie Haas *

"The Rabid Wolverine" Chris Benoit

"Y2J" Chris Jericho

"Masterpiece" Chris Masters

"Captain Charisma" Christian

Danny Basham *

Doug Basham *

Edge

"The Big Red Machine" Kane

"The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry

Marty Jannetty

"Sensei of Mattitude" Matt Hardy

Maven

Muhammed Hassan (Managed by: Khosrow Daivari)

"The Man Beast" Rhyno

"Superhero" Rosey

"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels

Simon Dean

Steven Richards

Sylvain Grenier

"The Japanese Buzzsaw" Tajiri (1/2 World Tag Team Champion)

The Hurricane

"The Game" Triple H (Managed by: Ric Flair)

"The Problem Solver" Tyson Tomko

William Regal (1/2 World Tag Team Champion)

Male Managers and Non-Wrestlers

Christopher Nowinski

Eric Bischoff (RAW General Manager)

Jonathan "The Coach" Coachman

Khosrow Daivari

"The Hardcore Legend" Mick Foley

"The Extreme Genius" Paul Heyman *

"The Nature Boy" Ric Flair

Women

Christy Hemme

Dawn Marie *

Ivory

Lita

Molly Holly

Stacy Keibler

Trish Stratus (WWE Women's Champion)

Victoria

Television Shows

WWE RAW

WWE Sunday Night Heat

* Traded to RAW

-----------------------------------------------------------

So there I was. Backstage at Heat. Looking over the bunch of assorted papers lying across my desk. It was a bunch of ideas that were upcoming for major RAW storylines. I ended up crumpling and throwing most of them away.

"Heartbreakers? Who thought up this? Even more, who APPROVED this?!"

Oh yeah. Mister McMahon.

"Well we won't be having any of this. Not on my watch. Sime can have all the strange-ass booking he wants. I'll pass on most of it."

Finally, time for the RAW brand to get serious.....

-----------------------------------------

WWE Sunday Night Heat

Date: Sunday, April 3, 2005

Announcers: ??? and ???

Segment 1: New Faces Behind the Booth

Before we get into the opening video for Heat, we see a limosuene pull up outside the building. Then the Heat opening played, and pyro went off all over the arena. Cool. And the NEW Heat play-by-play announcer was standing in the ring: Joey Styles!

"I know what you all are thinking; Joey Styles in the WWE? OH MY GAAAAAAAAWD!"

A small but growing chant of "Jo-ey! Jo-ey!" started up, and he began to run down tonight's show.

BUT WAIT~! What is that music? "The Chase" has begun playing over the loudspeakers, and out walks....

"Stan Lane?!?"

Lane climbs into the ring and gets the microphone from Joey.

"Joey, it's said that you can't keep a damn good man down. Well, I'm a damn good-looking man, and that means that I must always rise to the top!"

"But Stan, what are you out here for?"

"Don't you understand Joey? I'm your new colleague!"

YAAAAAYYYY!!!

"Just stick with me, Styles, and I'll take you places. Now let's get this show going! I have women back at the hotel to get back to!"

The two make their way back to the commentary booth, and the music plays to signify the first match in the new regime of RAW brand.

(78%) Lane gains 2 points.

Segment 2: World Tag Team Championships: William Regal and Tajiri © vs Sylvain Grenier and Maven

And what better way to start off than with a Tag Team title match? I know, it's weird. But whatever. I'm weird too, so it's all right. Anyways, it's not a BAD match. Just not a good one either. Tajiri hits the Buzzsaw kicks on Grenier to get the win. The champions raise their arms high afterward.

(70%, 69%, 71%, *3/4) Regal is losing overness from his gimmick. I thought I changed it? Guess I forgot to. It'll change on RAW.

Segment 3: The Do WHAT Challenge Now?

We come back from commercial break to see.....STEVIE~! And he's in the ring! YEAH STEVIE!

"I have been out of action since February twenty-first. And you know who's fault it is? Chris Masters! He broke my orbital bone and injured my nose, and sent me home for over a month! You know how hard it is to not have the money to eat for over a month? I've been hungry! But that made me want to get back at him even more! So I went up to Eric, I'm allowed to call him Eric, and I said to Eric, 'Eric, I want another match with Chris Masters!' And Eric, the softie that he is, said that at Backlash I can have the match, but only if I win all the matches I'm given on the way to Backlash. So I said 'That's great Eric but there's one more thing'. See, Chris Masters has this Masterlock Challenge. Well that's not gonna fly with me! So I told Eric, I says 'Eric! I want you to commission the Stevie Kick Challenge!'

Stan: "Stevie Kick Challenge? Has he lost his mind?"

Joey: "You need to HAVE a mind before you can lose it."

Stevie: "I will take on four of the biggest guys in the locker room, guys who are a good substitute for Masters, and if they can't kick out of the Stevie Kick, then they lose! And if they do, then I don't get my match. But that won't happen, because NOBODY kicks out of the Stevie Kick! So watch carefully Masters, because I'm comin' for you on April 17th at Backlash! Come on out here substitute, and fail to kick out of the Stevie Kick!"

A generic song started playing then as Stevie got rid of the microphone, and Mark Henry came waddling out from the back.

(74%) SCORE! 3 points - Stevie!

Segment 4: The Stevie Kick Challenge - Steven Richards vs Mark Henry

So THIS is the first round of the Stevie Kick Challenge. Joey and Stan relate the rules again, and the two have a match that's good for Mark Henry standards. It ended with Henry going for a WORLD'S STRONGEST SLAM~!©, but Stevie slips away and blasts Henry with a surprise Stevie Kick to get the 3! Stevie slides across the ring and looks into the camera, and says "I'm coming Masters! I'm coming! You won't kick out of the Stevie Kick!"

(62%, 61%, 63%, 3/4*)

Segment 5: The Debut of....Who?

A video began playing before we went to commercial break, showing a lot of blood being poured over the screen. A spinning headset is shown, and when it stops spinning the screen reads "Coming soon, to an announcer's booth near you!"

(83%)

Segment 6: I'd Rather Have to Stand in a Supernova

When we come back from break, Simon Dean is in the ring with his setup, and a microphone.

"When I got here tonight, I heard that I am going to have to face Marty Jannetty. The Rocker. Now, you all can cheer Jannetty, but I have it on good authority, that being my own, that Jannetty is a fraud! He jumps around the ring like he can still do a match just like twenty years ago, but the truth is that he has gotten out-of-shape, and he cannot hold up in the ring with such a great specimen like myself. I mean really, he's like a hundred years old! Who dug up this fossil, and why do I have to bury him again?"

Stan: "If Marty were like myself, he'd still be well-preserved."

Joey: "Have either of you two seen the matches that Marty had last month? He's still in peak condition!"

Stan: "Yeah, just like I'm not having three dates tonight. Suuure, Joey."

Simon: But I have good news, Marty. I have brought with me a special case of my patented Simon System, and I will give it to you at the LOW LOW price, of only four installments of nineteen-ninty-nine. And then if you want, you can sell it to some of the other people at the old folk's home so you can have more pudding, though as a personal instructer I would not recommend doing it. So come on out Marty, and we'll see if you can make it to the ring without running out of breath."

(64%)

The fast-paced Rockers music starts playing, and Marty comes out from the back as Dean prepares himself in the ring.

Joey: "What disrespect by Dean. This guy used to be something special, but now that he's found this 'Simon System', all he is is just obnoxious."

Stan: "I've tried some of the Simon System Joey, and you should too. Maybe then you'll get past batting."

Segment 7: Marty Jannetty vs Simon Dean

This should have been SO much better of a match. Really. But I guess that it happens. Anyways, it ends up with Dean getting his "special case" of the Simon System and bashing Jannetty in the back of the head with it for the quick pin. Simon then slips out of the ring, holding his Simon System bag above his head and pointing to it as he yells at people in the front row.

(61%, 61%, 62%, 3/4*)

After a commercial break, we come back for our main event. Trish is just climbing into the ring, and Ivory is already there, so we pretty much already know what's going to happen here.

Main Event: WWE Women's Championship: Trish Stratus © vs Ivory

And whaddya know? It does. Trish uses a handfull of Ivory's tights to get the victory, and walks away laughing at her.

(70%, 80%, 48%, DUD) The Women's title gained image. Don't know how, but whatever, I'll take it.

Sunday Night Heat rating: 70%

Grenier and Maven work well as a team. I'll have to team them more often.

Stevie wants higher up the card. Can do. MIDCARD STEVIE~!

Benoit would like to work with Christian. Do I smell RAW main event?

SpikeTV didn't like how risky we were getting on Heat. What risk?

Heat had a 4.75 rating, with 7,544 people for $301,760 from ticket sales.

-----------------------------------------

So my first Heat was a little shaky, but it went down all right. I expected a bit more of some people (i.e. everyone except those in the Stevie/Henry match), but I ended up getting all the points across. So we move on, as my first RAW rolls in....

Edited July 11, 2005 by Steve Corino

[Steve Corino]

WWE RAW

Date: Monday, April 4th, 2005

Commentators: Jim Ross and ?

Segment 1: No More Bull****.

Before the opening video plays, we see Rhyno backstage in front of a somewhat cowering Eric Bischoff. Rhyno screams at him "YOU DON'T WANT ME HERE? I'LL MAKE YOU WANT ME HERE!"

RAW's opening begins playing, but is cut off halfway through, because while Jonathan Coachman was making his way toward the commentry booth, he was hit from behind by Rhyno! Rhyno screams out "YOU DIDN'T WANT ME ON THIS SHOW? I'LL MAKE YOU PAY! I'LL MAKE YOU ALL PAY! THERE WILL BE NO MORE BULL****!" before hitting Coach with a massive GORE against the RAW banner wall! Eric Bischoff comes out flanked with policemen, and they escort Rhyno away as Bischoff goes to do commentary in Coach's stead.

JR: "I guess I'm to be honored by YOUR presence tonight."

Eric: "Don't give me any of your sass Ross, I have enough to deal with. I assigned Coach to do commentary tonight, I didn't expect to have to do it."

JR: "Looks like you can't control Rhyno there."

Eric: "That man is a monster JR, no one can control him."

JR: "He is a hoss, no doubt about it."

(69%) Coachman gains 1 point by getting beaten up.

Segment 2: We All Knew it Was Coming....

Batista's theme then starts playing, and he walks out from behind the curtain holding the World Heavyweight title over his shoulder.

JR: "There is he folks, the man who dethroned Triple H at Wrestlemania 21! The man who is our NEW World Heavyweight Champion, Batista!"

Eric: "I think he's just the man who is holding the title for the next challenger."

JR: "Well be that as it may, Eric, I think Batista will be a worthy champion. And it is so VERY nice to not have to see Triple H come out here to start the show every week with that title around his waist.

Eric: "You will address me as MISTER Bischoff, Ross."

JR: "Yeah, I see you don't bother talking about how it's nice to not see Triple H out here to start the show.

Batista gets a microphone and begins to address the crowd.

"This has been a long time coming. And I would like you all to know, that now that I have taken the title from Triple H and dismantled Evolution, THE ANIMAL! WILL TRULY! BE UNLEASHED!"

Batista is then cut off by a loud crashing riff over the PA system.

Time to play the Game.....TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!

Triple H walks out from behind the curtain and stands at the top of the ramp with mic in hand.

"BATISTA! You were, are, and will forever be, MY animal! You thought you could break away from me?! Not so fast, because on April 17th at Backlash, I will be taking back....what is MINE!"

Batista: "So, Triple H. You can't stand to not have this *patting the title belt* around your waist and this *smacking himself in the chest* at your side. Well you know what? You have no room to bargain with me for another shot!"

3H: "Alright. Then name your price. You want me to admit that you beat me at WrestleMania? Fine. You beat me at WrestleMania. You want me to kick some ass and earn it? Fine. Bring out someone....doesn't matter who, what the hell, give me Chris Jericho, and I'll kick his ass and earn my shot."

At this point, the crowd cheers but every smark at home groans loudly.

Batista: "No, there's no need for you to lose to Jericho. I will make you a wager. I will give you a match at Backlash, but if I beat you, then you will never get a shot at this title while I hold it again!"

Triple H: "You think that scares me? Fine. You got it. But if I win...."

Batista: "You get no part to this wager. You get what you want, and when I win, I get what I want. That's that."

3H: "What?! How dare you talk to me like that! How can you-"

Batista: "Sound man, hit my music."

Batista's music starts to play, and Batista goes out of the ring through the crowd as Triple H FUMES~! at the top of the ramp.

(84%)

JR: "Batista just outwitted Triple H! Again!"

Eric: "I will not let this stand, Ross. This is a major matter between these two, and no one-sided wager will solve it. This needs action."

Segment 3: The Peeps have Decided....I guess.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAckstage again, where Christian is walking around talking toward no one in particular. He finally runs into Shawn Michaels....literally.

"Whoa! Shawn! How's it going? Heh....how's the ankle?"

"Fine, Christian. How's the ego? I'm sure seeing your brother get over on you yet again was quite the bruise."

"Hey, stay out of my business! Before I make you part of my business!"

"Ooooh, touchy. Now, I have things to do, do you mind?"

"Oh, I know what it is, Shawn. You're just jealous!"

"Jealous? I'm the Showstopper! What could I have to be jealous of?"

"You're jealous because....um....because the Peeps have decided: my entrance music is WAY cooler than your's!"

"Entrance music? Now--"

"Yeah! I can totally see all the jealousness across your face!"

"Jealousness? Now Christian, I respect ya man."

"I'm not finished! You're jealous because you're not the Showstopper anymore! You're jealous because I really AM Captain Charisma! And you're jealous because at any point right now, I'm about two lines away from a kazoo!"

"Kazoo? Wha--have you lost your mind?"

"I'm seeing clearly, Shawn! Your supreme jealousousity is written all over that old, wrinkled mug of your's! I'm better than you at picking entrance music, playing the kazoo, being good looking, oh yeah, and wrestling too!"

"Hey! I don't know about all the other things, but no one says that I can't look good and wrestle anymore!"

"You just said you still looked good! Dude, you're married! You're not supposed to think you still look good! And what's with the old-as-hell music, anyways? You're not a sexy boy anymore, and you're not a boy toy. You used to be a Captain Charisma, but now you're just a....uh....you're a....General Pain! Yeah!"

"Christian, you know that a General is higher than a Captain, right?"

"Don't correct me! You just stay out of the way, or else you'll see what the new generation of Captain Charisma will do to you, just like I'm going to do to Benoit tonight in the main event! Hey....you could never beat Benoit. So when I do it tonight, I'm going to show that I'm better than you! Score!"

Christian goes for a high five, but HBK is the only person around, so he just kind of walks off and leaves Michaels confused as all hell.

(84%)

JR: "What the hell did we just see?"

Eric: "I'm not sure, but here comes this whack-job."

JR: "Last night on Heat we saw Steven Richards telling us all about his 'Stevie Kick Challenge' that you apparently allowed, Eric."

Eric: "I have no idea what he's talking about. I didn't make up any 'Stevie Kick Challenge'."

JR: "At any rate, here comes the next man to be put to the challenge."

Segment 4: Stevie Kick Challenge Part Two: Steven Richards vs Tyson Tomko

Another match, another *. Damn, I need to be doing better soon or else.....something. I don't know, but it'll not be good. Anyways, Tomko is unable to kick out of a surprise Stevie Kick, so Steven moves on in his, and I quote: "path to Master domination!" Okay, thank you for that Steven.

(58%, 62%, 68%, *1/4)

JR: "And Steven moves on in his Stevie Kick Challenge, onward to Backlash on the 17th to face Chris Masters."

Eric: "I still have no idea why he is doing this 'Stevie Kick Challenge'....he never brought it up to me like he said he did."

And we take a quick commercial break, before coming back, and the entrance theme of Chris Jericho is playing. And it's set up in the ring; time for the Highlight Reel!

Segment 5: Highlight Reel Time!

Jericho is in the ring, and he begins the show.

"Welcome to.....THE HIGHLIGHT REEL!"

A loud cheer goes up, and Jericho waits for it to stop before he continues.

"Only on RAW! IS! JERICHO!"

Another cheer.

"And now it is his pleasure for me to introduce, my guest for the night, EDGE!"

The crowd begins to boo, as "Metalingus" begins to play through the arena. Edge walks out in street clothes but carrying his briefcase.

Jericho: "So now Edge, I understand that you now hold an Undisputed championship match in your palm, whenever you wish to take it."

Edge: "Chris, don't act cute. You know that is true, and you know that it was I who defeated you and four other men in the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania."

The crowd cheers for the Money in the Bank match.

Edge: "And you know that you want this power. I hold power over Batista. I could have him beaten down horribly, and then take my title shot while he's bleeding and destroyed. Any time I want it, not any time that he wants it."

Jericho: "I also see that you have that briefcase with you. Are you even sleeping with the briefcase now? Or does it just have to share the bed?"

And that cues the "You screwed Matt! You screwed Matt!" chants. Edge looks around before looking back toward Jericho.

Edge: "I.....uh, I don't know what you're talking about. I keep this briefcase locked up tight."

Jericho: "Of course, of course."

Edge: "Do you have something important to say to me? Or are you going to act like a fool and believe everything you read on the internet?"

Jericho: "I can't help that the internet speaks the truth, Edge. But yes, I do have something I want to say to you. I want to extend my hand, and be a man about this whole Money in the Bank thing."

Edge: "Alright....and I'll be a man and extend my middle finger to you! I know you're going to hit me with that microphone."

Jericho: "And I know that you're going to hit me with that briefcase. So why don't we leave the microphones and briefcases out of this, and just have a match later on tonight?"

BIG POP from the crowd for that one.

Jericho: "Come on, Edge. We'll even make a bet. If I win, you give me your briefcase. If you win, I'll give you my microphone."

Edge: "Your microphone? What? Why would I do that?"

Jericho: "Yes, my microphone. Meaning that if you are able to defeat me, then you will have the microphone of the Highlight Reel."

Edge: "Well, if that's the way you want it...."

Edge then tries to hit Jericho with the briefcase, but Jericho ducks! He gets ready to hit Edge with the microphone, but Edge slides out of the ring and walks toward the curtain at the top of the ramp saying "I'll see you later."

(91%) Edge gains 2 points by reminding everyone of the Money in the Bank match.

JR: "Jericho and Edge later tonight! Bah Gawd that match will be awesome! And with the briefcase against the Highlight Reel as well!"

Eric: "Pssssh, come on Ross, you can't honestly tell me that Jericho against Edge will have been a better idea than Jericho against Nick Patrick."

JR: "Well with logic like that, I won't bother doubting it."

Eric: "Thank you Jim! So glad you're seeing things my way finally."

JR: "Well at any rate, when we come back, we're about to have one hell of a match, as William Regal and Tajiri defend their titles against Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari!"

Eric: "You're welcome for such a great match."

We take commercial break, and when we come back, Hassan and Daivari are making their way down to the ring. When they are in the ring, Regal and Tajiri come down the ramp and slide into the ring, awaiting the bell.

Segment 6: World Tag Team Championships - William Regal and Tajri © vs Hassan and Daivari

I wanted SO much more from this match. Really, I did. But it just wasn't to be. Anyways, toward the end Hassan goes up to the top rope while Daivari holds Tajiri. Hassan screams out "HASSSAAAAAAAAAAAAN......CHOP!" before diving off with a tomahawk chop, but Tajiri moves and it hits Daivari, and the IMMENSE FORCE of the HASSAAAAAAN CHOP fells Khosrow, and Regal gets the pin.

BUT WAIT~! THERE'S MORE~!

While Regal is in the ring, Tajiri gets out of the ring and starts walking toward the back, when from the crowd and into the ring comes Rhyno! GORE TO REGAL! Out of the ring and running full tilt up the ramp, and he GORES TAJIRI ON THE STEEL RAMP!!

JR: "WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO THE MAN-BEAST?!"

Police officers start pouring out from behind the curtain and try to restrain Rhyno, and he keeps trying to get to Tajiri. Rhyno screams out "YOU DON'T WANT ME AS YOUR PARTNER ANY MORE?! THEN **** YOU! **** YOU! TAJIRI! **** YOU!" They finally get him to go to behind the curtain, but it's not from their force, he just finally turns and walks back.

(64%, 74%, 70%, *3/4) Regal's new Ice Man gimmick got a negative response >_<, but Rhyno gained 3 points by turning heel.

JR: "That was just crazy! Tajiri only teamed with Regal because Eugene was out! That has nothing to do with Rhyno!"

Eric: "Obviously Rhyno has finally lost it, we all knew it was coming."

JR: "I apologize for Rhyno's language there folks, we'll have ot keep you updated on this situation with Tajiri, Regal, and Rhyno. Look at that! Rhyno gave Regal the Gore, that man had severe intestinal problems just three years ago that may have ended his career! And now Rhyno may have pushed it over the edge!"

Eric: "Since when has Rhyno really cared for anyone else, Ross?"

JR: "I guess you're right, there. Right after we take a break, we're going to see the big match between Edge and Chris Jericho!"

Eric: "Wait wait wait! Before we go to break, I have an announcement for you."

Segment 7: He's Here....But Not Right Now.

Eric Bischoff now takes this time.

Eric: "JR, I know that you hate me. But I have huge news that you will love to hear."

JR: "I'm all ears, Eric."

Eric: "Maybe you'll start calling me MISTER BISCHOFF after this big announcement. You see, RAW and SmackDown! were in touch, and I made a few trades with the man in charge over there."

JR: "Yeah?"

Eric: "Yeah. And one of them will be here next week, to battle none other than the World Heavyweight Champion Batista in a match for the championship!"

JR: "A World Heavyweight Championship match next week here on RAW? Who do you have?"

Eric: "A man who will teach Batista a few lessons in the ways of business. None other than seven-foot-four inches and five hundred pounds of THE BIG SHOW!"

JR: "The Big Show is back on RAW? Mah Gawd! And against Batista next week?! How in God's name can Batista defeat the Big Show?!"

Eric: "He's going to have to find a way. That'll teach him for making matches on his own."

(71%) Bischoff and Show both lost 2 points. For being smarmy, I guess.

And NOW we take a commercial break, and we come back to see Edge walking down to the ring. Jericho makes his entrance right afterward, and the match is underway.

Segment 8: Briefcase vs Highlight Reel: Edge vs Chris Jericho

I had so much more thought of for this match, too. Edge and Jericho? Should have been a great match. But ah well, it wasn't. Can't win 'em all, I guess. Anyways, it's a time limit draw at 15:00. Yeah, I didn't give it a clear winner. Jericho extends a hand to Edge for a good match, but Edge nails him with some brass knuckles and walks away.

(77%, 91%, 75%, **1/2)

Segment 9: Masterpiece Theater it Ain't.

And now, for the most boring amount of television on either show thus far: A video for Chris Masters, showing him putting people in the Masterlock. Yay. And then he poses. It's set to his entrance music, by the way. But still insanely, hair-pullingly boring.

(46%)

Segment 10: Wooooooooo!

Now we get to a segment that I thought would be SO much better. Christian is in the ring waiting for the main event, but Chris Benoit is backstage, his music is playing over the arena as he is supposed to be going out to the ring for the main event, and he smirks before walking up to Ric Flair.

Flair: "BENWAH! What in the hell do YOU want?"

Benoit: "An answer."

Flair: "For what?"

Benoit: "For why you are where you are."

Flair: "What the hell do you mean? I'm at the top!"

Benoit: "We go back a long way, Ric, back to the Horsemen. I know when you're at the top, and right now, your mouth is fixated at the bottom of Triple H."

Flair: "WHAT?!"

Benoit: "You heard me. Now I want an answer."

Flair: "What do you want me to do? Go against the biggest name in wrestling today?"

Benoit: "No, Ric, I want you to be by the side of the best technical wrestler in the world today....just like you were back in 96, 98, and 99."

Flair: "Ah, that's what it is. FLAIR! And BENWAH! WOOOO! Back in time, baby, WOOOO! The Kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', jet flyin', limosuene ridin', son of a gun, Woooo, and Chris! Benwah!"

Benoit: "Exactly."

Flair: "Well Chris, you know what? WOOOO! NO! Because you see, with Triple H, there is the chance of being still at the top of the cards! And with you, I'd be carrying your bags as you meander through nothing!"

Benoit: "That's how it's gonna be Ric? Fine. Then I guess I'll just have to prove....you....wrong."

(79%) Benoit loses 2 points, I guess for reminding everyone that Ric Flair is 3H's ass kisser.

Benoit finally makes it out through the curtain, and Christian attacks him as he's sliding into the ring!

Main Event: Chris Benoit vs Christian

YES! A GOOD MATCH! But alas, it ends in a disqualification, as Shawn Michaels ruins things by hitting Christian with Sweet Chin Music. Edge runs in and Spears Michaels, and E&C leave the ring quickly as the show fades off the air.

(78%, 81%, 93%, ****)

RAW Rating: 73%

Daivari says that Tajiri was working too stiffly.

Edge was overused. Funny, I thought people were already sick of him.

We got a 5.56 rating with 7,502 people in attendance for $300,080 from ticket sales.

[Mr Muggy]

So I sat there with my buddy Reece in the van 2 hours before the show. Obviously, there was a cloud of smoke, because Reece likes to smoke what he sells. So we were discussing the show...

Simon: "So Reece, ya think Velocity went well?"

Reece: "Yeah man. *heavy coughing* That was some wack shit you pulled off. I swear that was the Ultimate Warrior you had out there dude!"

Simon: "Naw, it was just Paul London. He's one of those cruiserweight kids that will never suceed since he's under 225 pounds."

Reece: "I say push him dude! He's got the power, the speed, the intensity! Hell, he's the Paultimate Warrior man!"

Simon: "The Paultimate Warrior... hey, I like that Reece. I should make you assistant booker man..."

Reece: "Cool... is that like... dude, a step down from being Booker T?"

Simon: "Um....no... we'll talk about that later."

Coming in two hours, the local news with a report on a sex scandal involving George W. Bush and a penguin. But first... it's SMACKDOWN ON UPN! We are not preempted this week because the local high school team is out of the tournament. So there.

WWE Smackdown

April 7, 2005

The First Smackdown Under the Simon Regime

We hit the pyro and we are joined by Michael Cole and Tazz... we keep the original pairing, because unlike JR and Jerry Lawler... they aren't annoying and are extremely witty.

And we open the show with something that has a lot to do with drugs... rap.

And out comes your WWE Spinner Belt/Heavyweight champion, John Cena. Did you know he's a rapper? Neither did I. He hasn't rapped in a promo in forever... and if you think I'm gonna try now.. your crazy. I'm from the south and I'm white. I couldn't rap if Ronald Reagan put a gun to my head and said "Start rapping".

Reece: "Dude, Reagan's dead."

Simon: "How the hell did you interrupt my recap?"

Reece: "Uh...um... dude, look, a pink elephant!"

Anyways, John Cena cuts one of his usual promos hitting his phrases including "The champ is here!" (he so totally stole that from Samoa Joe). Out walks JBL in his business attire and cowboy hat that only he can get away with, Orlando Jordan (in ring attire with the black gloves). JBL's pissed off his security guards, the Bashams have been sent to RAW for a retard and a Canadian from Kentucky. He rattles on about what a great country this is and how John Cena is trying to ruin it with his bling-bling side show. Didn't they do this same stuff before Wrestlemania? Anyways, it degenerates into a "Let's FIGHT!", and OJ and JBL run down there and beat the Vanilla Ice out of John Cena. And then on the titantron, we see this...

"Who's coming to Smackdown NOW?!

A. Gillberg

B. Giant Gonzales

C. SHELTON BENJAMIN~!"

The crowd pops for Shelton as he runs from the back with the IC title around his waist! He nails lefts and rights to JBL and OJ and knocks them out of the ring. He helps Cena up and raises his hand. Shelton Benjamin just saved Cena from a beat down. BOOYAH and stuff... so wait... Shelton brought the Intercontinental Title over to Smackdown? Interesting...

Overall: 71%

John Cena and JBL lost 2 points of overness for just being John Cena and JBL. OJ doesn't lose overness here, because... HE HAS THE HAIR~! Shelton doesn't lose it because he sleeps with a woman named Overness. True story...

And now Reece gets the moment to cream himself...

For the Cruiserweight Title

©The Paultimate Warrior vs. The debuting Psychosis

Yep. We pulled up Psychosis from the ohio valley river. We wanted Leviathan, but they said he was already pulled up years ago. I wonder what happened to him... Anyways, Psychosis enters the ring... and then Paul London's music hits and he rushes out with the title around his waist and around the ring about 4 times so he can be gassed before he even starts to wrestle. He's really getting into character. He then runs in the ring as Psychosis looks him over weird. Then Paul gets the mic...

Paultimate Warrior: "LITTLE WARRIORS, LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE BOXES!"

Some of the crowd reacts with cheers... the other ones have no clue what is going on still.

Paul: "You hear that my psychotic psycho Psychosis friend?! That is the end of your existence in this pitiful pitulance you call a sesspool!"

Psychosis, the entire audience, and even Einstein in his grave: "Hunh?!"

Paul: "For tonight, I the Paultimate Warrior, will be the harbringer of destruction upon your magaline (Is that even a word?) soul! I, the Paultimate Warrior, the cruiserweight champion of Planet Warrior, am here on behalf of my God, the Ultimate Warrior, to smite the land of cruiserweights. Oh and Michael Cole... just for the record... QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! But back to you my horned fiend of the devil's child's son, you will fall by the wayside as I, the Paultimate Warrior, will show you the way to peace and prosperity through the teachings of the Ultimate Warrior! So Psychosis, by the power of the Volvo in the parking lot and the redwood tree in the Antartic plains with a portal connected to the African jungles of China... YOU SHALL BE SMITE DOWN! WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVIATE!"

I have officially gone insane... anyways, Paul drops the mic and the title as Psychosis runs up to him and hits a spin kick and covers! 1... and London gets up right away and grabs the ropes... and he starts shaking them... he's no-selling and having a seizure! Psychosis tries anything! Punches, kicks, nothing affects the Paultimate Warrior! Paul nails him with a big right and gorilla presses Psychosis! There's the big splash! There's the 3 count! The Paultimate Warrior retains his title and runs off back to his Warriormobile back to the Warriorcave. And the crowd sits there wondering what they just saw... again.

Overall: 73% Crowd: 60% Match: 86% (***)

Paul London debuted his new gimmick (Crazy), it got a positive response. Paul London gained 1 point of overness for mentioning the African jungles of China.

And we go from crazy to... a Heidenreich match. Not much difference, is there?

Booker T vs. Heidenreich

Booker T carried this... you know that... but I don't. I'm pushing Heidenreich fools! HA! Anyways, I do give that young rookie Booker T some good offense, but let's face it... he can't get over. Poor guy... it's all about the german guy, Heidenreich. Heidenreich (who brought a brand new potted plant today, not a venus fly trap, but a tulip) gets in his sloppy offense that makes him the smark darling that he is. Heidenreich goes for a big boot, but Booker ducks, and the referee gets nailed right in the chest with it and goes down clutching his head. Smart ref... Booker hits the scissor kick... but there's no ref... and here comes someone... BIG BOOT TO BOOKER! HOLY CHAVE! IT'S GENE SNITSKY! Gene Snitsky drops Booker with the Pumphandle Power Slam (Tazz calls it the Coat Hanger). And the ref recovers to see Heidenreich cover Booker for the 3 count! Yes, I have put Heidenreich and Snitsky together. You may send your money to the address labeled later on. Meanwhile, Heidi and Snitsky beatdown Booker a little extra to show who's getting the push.

O: 74% C: 78% M: 67% (*1/2... Booker better pick it up.)

Heidenreich gained 1 point of overness for killng the ref to our amusement.

And how do we transition that? We don't... we go straight to a Darth Vader Burger King commercial. What a fucking sell-out George Lucas is... and we come back... hey, it's a Val Venis video!

And since I'm a lazy bastard, it's the same one shown on Velocity. If ya want to know what it's all about, read my last passage. BOOYAH! (BOOYAH is an official term of Platinum of GBW fame. All rights reserved. I'll proabably have to send conniption money now. Fuck.)

Overall: 74%

Val Venis gained 1 point of overness for having his video being played at a time when people give a damn.

We come out of that video to see 4 animals... 3 are human... 2 are female... 1 has boobs. That's right! It's Rene Dupree, Kenzo Suzuki, Hiroko, and Fifi! Look at Rene's magnificent boobs!

Rene declares they should be in the running for the tag team titles and challenge any team in the back to a match to prove that they are better. Blah, blah... unfamilair music hits... and out walks... woah, hold the phone... is that Eugene? But he's got his hair cut, he looks... normal! He's wearing a t-shirt that says "Mr. Wrestling". And someone walks out behind him... it's Rob Conway! He cuts his hair and is back in his OVW gear! He kisses his muscles and is back to the same ol cocky Rob Conway that OVW knew and loved! That's right! We have put Nick Dinsmore and Rob Conway back together... and we won't explain why Nick isn't insane anymore! And why Conway doesn't support Quebec anymore... well... we can just say the Expos moved away... that may explain Eugene too... there we go! Blame it all on the Expos! They accept the challenge and it's ON LIKE LEMONS AND LIMES!

Overall: 65%

Rob Conway debuted his new gimmick (Cocky), it got a positive response. Nick Dinsmore debuted his new gimmick (Split Personality), it got a positive response. Rob Conway's turn was completed, and he is now a face. Robert Conway gained 2 points of overness from this turn and for bashing the Expos.

And all that leads to this...

Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree w/Hiroko & Fifi vs. The Lords of the Ring (Nick Dinsmore & Rob Conway)

And right away... Dinsmore and Conway wipe the mat with Suzuki and Dupree. We finally see the skills that they have been holding back all this time. Sure, I can fuck up Smackdown all I want... but I will try to put up some good wrestling at least in the process. Dinsmore & Conway are proof. After a nice heat segment with Conway, Dinsmore gets the tag and cleans house. he ducks under a high kick from Kenzo and hits a teardrop suplex on him. Dupree lifts him up for the Dupree Driver, but Dinsmore slides behind and hits a textbook German suplex with the bridge. There's the 3, and the Lords of the Ring get their first win on Smackdown!

O: 77% C: 72% M: 83% (***)

I just had a good segment... and then we go backstage to see Snitsky & Heidenreich talking. What I am typing here is just a small sample of what they said.

Snitsky: "I like what you do with poems."

Heidenreich: "I like what you do with babies."

Snitsky: "I like what you do with potted plants."

Heidenreich: "I like what you did with Lita."

Snitsky: "I like what you do with your shoes."

Heidenreich: "I like what you do with your beard."

Snitsky: "I like what you do with your Hot Topic gift card."

Heidenreich: "I like what you do with your back acne."

This goes on for about 15 minutes. Needless to say... it's a great segment. I'm calling the team Snitskenreich by the way. Original, I know.

Overall: 66%

We go back to the ring to see palm trees, coconuts, a crate of apples, lawn chairs, just a festive atmosphere. That means it's either happy hour at the the Big Kahuna club... or it's Cabana time!

It's Cabana time as Carlito comes out, declares the random town we are in not to be cool, but welcomes us all to Carlito's Cabana. He's got a list of the 50 things he thinks are not cool, and he will start by listing off 10 random ones...

-William Shatner

-hosses named Trytan

-Leif Cassidy

-Those embarrisingly long nose hairs

-Grandfather clocks

-koala bears

-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-Good Charlotte

-The new Escalades

-The Nintendo Revolution

Now that's not call.. but Carlito's next guest is... and he's the newest member of Smackdown... it's Randy Orton! Orton comes out to the boos and the pyro that makes him look so awesome. He saunters down to the ring and has a nice chat with Carlito. He explains he hasn't told anyone... but he's been fighting multiple concussions since his incident at the Royal Rumble. He's up to 5 now, but he's doing great now. He's come to Smackdown because he knows he can beat the competition here and that lowers his risk of getting another concussion. Carlito declares concussions not to be cool and tells anyone that if they think they have a concussion, get in a car and drive to a hospital immediately. Randy thanks Carlito for the interview and walks away. Well at least Carlito ain't a legend yet... otherwise, the RKO would have utterly destroyed him...

Overall: 74%

And now watch me make sure Kurt Angle is healthy for the future...

Kurt Angle vs. Nunzio

Nunzio stands in the ring after commercial and waits for Kurt to come out. Kurt enters the ring and Nunzio goes to kick him. Angle grabs the foot and turns him into the ankle lock! Nunzio taps out 6 seconds into the match! Kurt Angle relases the hold and walks to the back! Damn, that was such an awesome ankle lock! It was just a maginficently placed hold that made Nunzio scream and tap like crazy. You have no clue how good it is! Why am I saying all this.... well there had to be a reason Dames gave this this ****1/2...

O: 88% C: 78% M: 99% (****1/2)

We go backstage to see... hey, there's me on screen talking to Teddy Long! Yes, I put myself on TV. I'm such a magnifcent bastard. And here comes RVD... with a heavy brace on his leg and needing crutches to even approach me and Teddy.

He explains that someone put him in a match tonight. How can he wrestle? He still hasn't recovered from his injury! Me and Teddy look at each other like we don't know what RVD is talking about... and Reece walks into the picture? Reece then says RVD is his favorite wrestle for an obvious reason, and he wanted to see him in action! RVD stammers and stutters as Reece says the stuff he takes is supposed to mellow him out and null the pain. RVD says he can't do that right now since he has medication for his injured leg. Well, Reece can't even do good selling around here then can he?! Fine... his match against Shannon Moore is scrapped... next on Smackdown... he'll fight.... JBL. On snap... Did Reece just turn heel on me? Wait, he ain't even a real character on my EWR! He's just a fictional person in my mind! Take those last 3 sentences out of context, and it could make a normal person lose their mind.

Overall: 73%

Rob Van Dam lost 2 points for not smoking pot as of late, and Teddy gained 3 for being seen with my beautiful face.

And now Reece gets his revenge for people not smoking pot... he pits them against a stock market guru! OH THE HUMANITY!

Rob Van Dam vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

RVD can barely walk let alone wrestle. The ref makes him put down the crutches and he has to hobble and hop around the ring to fight JBL. Hey if Gowen can wrestle on one leg, I can't see why RVD can't... oh wait... the other leg is hurt... and JBL goes right after it. He destroys with some pretty damn stiff shots that have RVD screaming "I THINK THE ACL TORE AGAIN!" Baby... In the end, JBL hits his vicious power bomb and then hits the Clothesline from CNN for the 1,2,3. I love JBL squashes, don't you? We need to send the crowd home happy... so we have John Cena do a run-in and hit a fireman's carry that knocks JBL out... but it ain't just any fireman's carry... it's the FU! MY GOD! THE FU HAS DESTROYED JBL! TUNE IN TO VELOCITY AND NEXT WEEK ON SMACKDOWN FOR MORE INSANITY! MY GOD, THE FU IS A DESTROYER OF MANKIND!O: 82% C: 83% M: 81% (***)

Overall: 73%... you know for my first Smackdown... I'll take that. We need Booker T to step up though. Heidenreich just totally ran circles around him.

We got a 5.79 rating for 'Smackdown!'!

The attendance level was 7532 people.

We made $301280 from ticket sales.

Afterwards, RVD came up to me in the back... crawling... apparently, he was hurting bad. Wimp... and he said this, and I quote: "Dude, like you need to totally tell John Bradshaw Layfield to chill on the whole working stiff thing." My jaw dropped. He continued on and on about how JBL beat the crap out of him and stuff and after all that I said... "I don't believe it... he worked stiff? That's Rene Dupree's gimmick! He's supposed to have the big wang around here! Where's JBL, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!"

I later found out he left... oh well... as long as he doesn't steal Rene's gimmick again, we'll be good.

Ok, we'll let all that sink in for now. We will come back tomorrow or another day to post the rest of what we have and start with brand new shows soon. Hope you enjoy it. We're doing this to entertain our peeps and ourselves. We aren't looking to make the GREATEST. DIARY. EVER. But if you think our diary is good, we'd like to hear from ya. Feedback is always appreciated.

Edited July 11, 2005 by Mr Muggy

[shockwave]

Hassan screams out "HASSSAAAAAAAAAAAAN......CHOP!" before diving off with a tomahawk chop

[Mr Muggy]

So I'm sitting there with Teddy Long going over notes for his segment when Reece walks into the office area.

Reece: Dude, Simey, you're so gonna totally love me!

Simon: Uh... why?

Reece: I just got us a new sponsor for Velocity and Smackdown!

Simon: Awesome dude! Who did ya get? Cingular? Dell? Pepsi?

Reece: No... MILK DUDS!

Simon and Teddy: ........

Reece: What?

Simon: No one buys Milk Duds anymore... sheesh... how are they paying us... and don't say crack or pot...

Reece: No, they are paying the dinero... but we need a spokesperson... YOU TEDDY!

Teddy: ME?

Reece: Yeah, besides, your head looks like a Milk Dud!

Teddy: WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU BASTARD?!

I left the room after that... I didn't want to get into this argument or see it. Last I heard, Reece got Teddy Long to agree and is actually going to oversee the segment where Teddy Long announces some of our matches for the next PPV. I'll have to see how this works...

And now at a time when no one is watching and they are off having a good time at clubs or just at home going at like ravenous beasts like me and my girl... VELOCITY~!

WWE Velocity

April 9, 2005

The Second Velocity. I Actually Made It That Far. Wow.

We hit the COOL ASS SIDEWAY PYRO and kick it over to Michael Cole and Al "You know what I'm getting underneath this announce table?" Snow at the booth.

And we start with a match that will mean NOTHING by the start of the next segment.

Funaki vs. Billy Kidman

Billy comes out in that BOSS jacket. Ya gotta like that jacket. If ya don't, your not cool... you deserve to be on the Not Cool List of Carlito's if ya don't like that jacket. It's all about the jacket. Oh yeah, the match... Kidman wins with the BK Bomb, and threatens to do a SSP afterwards, but he's all like "NO DICE" and he puts his jacket back on and leaves to the boos of the crowd. HOW CAN THEY BOO THAT MAN FOR WEARING THAT JACKET?! What is with society these days...

Overall: 71% Crowd: 61% Match: 82% (**1/2)

And now we go back to Teddy Long in his office... which is covered in yellow posters and propaganda for Milk Duds!

Teddy Long: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another exciting edition of WWE Velocity. I hope you are enjoying the fine programming you are watching. And while your at it, why not enjoy some Milk Duds? They are some of the finest specimens of chocolate candy since.... *to someone off-camera* when were they made?

Reece's voice: "I don't know! Keep talking!"

Teddy: "Oh, well it doesn't matter, because Milk Duds are still great! My head is even shaped like them, so they must great! Try a box of Milk Duds today! And now that I have shameless promoted Milk Duds and will probably go to hell for it, I have some announcements to make regarding our next Pay-Per-View, Spring Stampede at the end of the month.

My first of two announcements is regarding the WWE Tag Team Titles. Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero are still the champions, and their title belts will be defended at Spring Stampede. I have picked their opponents already... this team doesn't even need no introduction. They have won more tag team titles in this business, than ANY other team in the world... they are Bubba Ray and D'Von... the DUDLEY BOYZ!

And my second announcement is regarding the WWE Title itself. John Cena is the WWE champion, and his challenger at Spring Stampede will be... JBL! That is right playas, JBL has initiated the rematch clause in his contract and will fight Cena at the PPV. I will give Cena one order of business before this PPV though... He is to pick a stipulation for the match. This rematch I feel needs something extra, and I will have Cena choose what that extra is. Enjoy the show playas! HOLLA HOLLA AND BUY A MILK DUD!

Overall: 71%

And now OJ gets to squash someone...did I mean squash... I mean beat them in a physically competitve match... yeah... that'll do.

Orlando Jordan vs. Scotty 2 Hotty

Scotty goes for his bulldog set up for the W-O-R-M that is O-L-D as S-H-I-T, but Orlando nails him with a discus punch to stop that. I'm bringing him back to his boxing roots. I know Orlando can do something right... why do you think I'm pushing him?! Scotty makes the obligitory face comeback, but Orlando stops that with a DDT when Scotty telegraphs a back body drop. He then nails Scotty with the Black Ice (Bareback/Franchiser) for the 3 count. OJ raises both his gloved fists high in the air in celebration for his victory. Nice win for OJ. And you know what he has that most of ya'll don't have... THAT GREAT SET OF HAIR~!

O: 70% C: 67% M: 73% (*3/4)

And now for the greatest part of the entire show... THE MARK JINDRAK JUMP CHALLENGE~!

He gets pyro for his entrance now like Chris Masters, only people give a damn... well a couple do at least... but he GETS PYRO MOTHER *******! The pole and bar are set, and we wait to see who the challenger is this week... and Jindrak takes the mic...

Jindrak: Ladies and gentlemen, you have come to see this... it may be the most popular thing going in the WWE after one week! I have had fan mail, e-mail, and even a guy named Robert send me a pic of his wang to bring back the Jump Challenge! Thank you Robert, but I don't swing like that. But speaking of swinging like that, wait till you see our guest for tonight! But first, an announcement... I've lowered the bar a bit... two inches lower. Now it may be within reach for you! It definitely is for me, the JUMPIEST jumper in the WWE today! And now, here is the next challenger in the Mark Jindrak Jump Challenge... here is Shannon "The Giant Tool" Moore!

Shannon comes out, weird ass outfit and all, and he doesn't look happy at that nickname.

Jindrak: "How ya doin you giant tool? Damn, look at that hair and eyeliner! Did you fail at your audition for Cats? Damn son... alright, this is how it works. I'll jump and touch that bar... I'm good like that. Then we'll see if ya can do it Tooly."

Shannon: "I don't look like a tool..."

Jindrak: "Yeah ya do... I mean look at those pants! I can see my reflection in 46 different parts of them! Now watch me get to hoppin. Frogger, eat your heart out!"

Jindrak then jumps pretty freaking high... hell, his chin goes over the bar! He touches it with ease and comes back down to earth to a pretty nice ovation from the crowd.

Jindrak: "Alright Shannon Tool, it's your turn!"

Shannon gets ready to jump, and then Jindrak speaks again...

Jindrak: "Can't wait to see if a tool can jump high..."

Shannon looks over at him pissed, then gets set again...

Jindrak: "I didn't know tools could get pissed!"

Shannon glares at him with an angrier stare, and then gets ready to jump, but right before the leap, Jindrak speaks again...

Jindrak: "Did I mention you look like a freakin tool?"

SHANNON SNAPS AND ATTACKS JINDRAK! HE PEPPERS HIM WITH RIGHTS TO BOOS FROM THE CROWD! BASTARD! A referee runs down... and... HEY WE HAVE A MATCH!

O: 53%

Mark Jindrak also debuted his new gimmick (Cocky).

The Shannon Moore is a Tool Match of the Night Brought to you by the Home Depot: We sell Tools. We take no responsiblity for Shannon Moore though.

Shannon Moore vs. Mark Jindrak

Shannon goes after him with FIRE AND VIGOR... but Mark Jindrak is taller, and therefore, he gains the advantage soon. He clubs Shannon around the ring. Shannon gets the comeback by going after Jindrak's legs though! NOT THE LEGS! HE NEEDS TO JUMP ON THOSE! But don't fret... because Shannon bounces off the ropes... and gets nailed by the BIG FRIGGIN OMGLOLWTF DROPKICK from Mark Jindrak, and that's all she wrote. Mark Jindrak walks off with a victory.

O: 66% C: 56% M: 77% (**)

P.S.: Shannon Moore is still a tool.

And now that we are done burying Shannon Moore for the night... maybe... we go to the main event... with a 150 pound guy wrestling in it. No, it's not me...

Eddie Guerrero vs. Spike Dudley

Spike Dudley doesn't come out with a shirt on still... i just want to torture ya'll with that physique. Eddie comes out lowriding out in some car... God knows... I don't know cars... my friends tell me though he should get a pinto and see what he can do with that... must be some nice car...

Anyway, Eddie dominates Spike because... hell, it's Spike... Frog Splash looks to end it... and HERE COME THE DUDLEY BOYZ! THEY ARE WEARING THE TYE DYE AGAIN! YES YES YES~! 3D to Eddie! They destroy him... and Rey pops out of the trunk of the lowrider in only his underwear and mask with a woman covering herself in a blanket inside. Yes, even during sex in the trunk of a lowrider, Rey keeps his mask on. Rey doesn't do any better and gets 3Ded into oblivion. The show ends with the TYE DYE DUDLEYZ~! standing over Los Mysterio and Guerrero.

O: Shannon Moore C: Is M: A Tool (-***)

Okay... real stats....

O: 76% C: 77% M: 77% (**1/2)

Overall: 66%

Pretty solid show. I lost the info on the people at ticket sales, but we did a 4.31 which spiked during the Jump Challenge. People love Jindrak or wanna see tools get their asses kicked... one way or the other...

Senor Beejus, it's your turn.

[Steve Corino]

WWE Sunday Night Heat

Date: Sunday, April 10, 2005

Announcers: Joey Styles and Stan Lane

The usual highlight video opens the show, and Joey Styles and Stan Lane are heard from their location supposedly at the commentator's table.

Joey: "Welcome to another show of Sunday Night Heat folks, I'm Joey Styles and with me is my colleague, 'Sweet' Stan Lane."

Lane: "That's what the girls usually call me, Joey. You can just call me Mister Lane."

Joey: "ANYWAYS, tonight we're going to see three big matches."

Lane: "That's right, we have a Women's title match between long-reigning champion Trish Stratus and challenger Victoria. You know I loves the womenfolk, Joey!"

Joey: *under his breath* "Well you talk about them enough for a guy who's almost fifty...."

Lane: "What was that Styles?"

Joey: "I said that the match between superhero Rosey and the fitness instructor Simon Dean probably won't be very pretty."

Lane: "Oh....well, you certainly got that right."

Joey: "And we get to witness another Stevie Kick Challenge, featuring that putz Steven Richards. I don't know who he'll be against tonight, but I'm sure he'll be his usual crazy self for the match."

Lane: "But Eric Bischoff never told him anything about a Stevie Kick Challenge, it's all in Steven's head!"

Joey: "That's why he's a total putz, Stan."

"I'll Show you! You'll see!" cuts off their next thoughts, as Stevie Richards comes out from the curtain.

Segment 1: Alas poor Stevie, we knew him well. Well not really.

Steven Richards has a microphone in the ring, and he begins to address the crowd.

"People, I am here to say that thus far, the Stevie Kick Challenge has been a massive success! And do you know why that is?"

Lane: "We're as confused as you, Stevie."

Joey: "And make no mistake, he IS confused!"

"It's because I haven't had any kind of challenge! I mean, Mark Henry? Tyson Tomko? Is this some sort of joke? I am no joke!"

Joey: "Oh yes you are!"

Lane: "Quiet down Joey, let the madman speak his piece."

"So I have made it my personal duty to find a challenge for myself. A man great enough to make a good opponent for me tonight on Stevie Night Heat. I spoke with him in the back, and he is ready and willing to let it be known that I have the most dominant finishing maneuver in the WWE. I will bring him out here now. And that man is....the World Heavyweight champion! Batista!"

The music starts playing as the crowd starts getting excited.

Joey: "I take it back! He's not a putz, he's INSANE!"

Lane: "Batista?! Is he even on Heat anymore?!"

Joey: "It looks like he is tonight, because HERE HE COMES!"

Batista walks out onto the stage and walks down to the ring, and he has a microphone with him. Batista slides into the ring and walks right up into Steven's face, backing him away in a hurry. He then begins speaking to Stevie.

"Richards....have you lost what little mind you had? You want to challenge the unleashed animal to a match?"

"Hey....come on man, we talked back there...."

"You said hello to me as I passed by! That was all!"

"We had an agreement-"

"You didn't tell me about it. But, I have a big match tomorrow night on RAW against The Big Show. I wouldn't mind a warm-up. Steven? Be ready. You'll need it."

Batista walks away and out of the ring, up the ramp, and behind the curtain. Then Stevie gets on his mic again.

"Oh yeah?! Well you'll see! You won't get back up once I hit the Stevie Kick! You're lucky I don't want your title on the line tonight, because I could take it just like that!"

Stevie tries to snap his fingers, but it doesn't work. He tries a few times, and finally he gets one. His eyes go wide as he screams "Yeah!" and we go to commercial.

(84%)

Segment 2: Rosey vs Simon Dean

Dean looks pissed tonight. I guess it's because we didn't have time for him to do an interview and pimp the Simon System tonight. Hey, it happens. He still delivers some of it to Rosey, right in the back of the head, before catching a quick rollup and getting the win. He pulls a few pills from his boot and places a the supplements in Rosey's mouth before leaving the ring. Yeah, I'm ripping off Ted Dibiase with Simon Dean, what of it? Yeah, that's what I thought.

(61%, 63%, 74%. *3/4)

Joey: "Another cheap win there by Simon Dean."

Lane: "Only if you don't get caught, Joey! Did you never listen to Jesse Ventura?"

Joey: "I love the governor. If I didn't, he'd introduce me to Old Painless."

Lane: "Nice obscure reference, Joey! I'm sure NONE of the kids out there know what you're talking about."

Joey: "With what, the governor or Old Painless?"

Lane: "You know, I have this device backstage in my bag that I call Old Painless. See, what it does...."

Joey: "Hey hey hey, your woman pleasing talk already got us moved to a later timeslot!"

Lane: "Joey, it's a pair of slacks! See, they're baggy, and that way you don't have any pain when you wear them!"

Joey: "Suuuuure, Stan. ANYWAYS, let's move our attention back to the show, shall we?"

Lane: "Yes, because we're about to see one of my favorite parts from last Monday night. Roll the footage."

Segment 3: Hype Hype Hype, Part I.

We now get a video detailing the backstage words between Shawn Michaels and Christian. Want to see it? Go find it when I wrote it out the first time. And at the end we see the ending of the Benoit/Christian match, with HBK and Edge running out to help their companions to end RAW.

(93%)

Lane: "My sources have let me know that due to what happened at the end of that match, we're to see a tag team match tomorrow night on RAW between Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit against Edge and Christian!"

Joey: "That match will be insane! Benoit and Michaels have only teamed a few times, but every chance we saw them together it was an amazing match."

Lane: "And Edge and Christian are seven-time Tag Team champions with one another! Oh yes, that match will be great indeed."

Joey: "Up next, we will see a WWE Women's title defense, between Trish Stratus and Victoria! Don't go away!"

Lane: "I know I wouldn't."

Segment 6: WWE Women's Championship - Trish Stratus © vs Victoria

If you don't know what's happening here then you don't know much. Yeah, Trish wins by cheating. And she holds her title high for all to see at the end. Believe me, that was about all there was to the match.

(64%, 80%, 56%, 1/2*)

Lane: "Hey Joey, get away from me. You're scaring Trish away. Think I got a chance with her?"

Joey: "Only if you have gold and were twenty years younger."

Lane: "I have a few World and United States Tag Team titles back at the hideout. That's two titles, so that counts for more. Think so?"

Joey: "....Not really. Regardless of my colleague trying to land a babe who is almost twenty years younger than he is, next we are about to show some disturbing footage from RAW last Monday. This was just a heinous attack when Rhyno Gored--"

Lane: "That's what I'd do with Trish."

Joey: "Do you mind?"

Lane: "Not at all."

Joey: "Rhyno Gored William Regal, a man who had a severe heart problem just two years ago. And then, what he did to Tajiri! Let's roll the footage."

Segment 5: Hype Hype Hype, Part II.

The footage is rolled, and it shows Rhyno on RAW Goring Tajiri on the ramp. We then see Rhyno hitting Regal with the Gore, and two slow motion images of him doing so to both Regal and Tajiri. And then we see him Gore Coachman. Alright.

(64%)

Joey: "I don't know what's gotten into Rhyno! I know he can be a psychopath, but he almost ended the careers of three people in one night!"

Lane: "Well they don't call him a violent man-beast for no reason, you know."

Joey: "I know, but he seemed to have gained a conscience over the past few months!"

Lane: "Enough talk about Rhyno for now, Joey. We'll have to see what he plans to do tomorrow night."

Joey: That's right, Rhyno WILL be in the building tomorrow night on RAW, but with Coachman, William Regal, and Tajiri out due to the injuries they sustained, who will feel the rage of the Rabid Man-beast?"

Lane: "I know I'll be staying away from RAW as long as he's on the show."

Joey: "Up next, we will see what will likely be the end of Steven Richards, as he takes on the World Heavyweight Champion, Batista, in the 'Stevie Kick Challenge'. Don't go away!"

Lane: "It's going to be really fun to watch, in an end-of-his-career kind of way...."

We go to commercial break, and come back to see Steven walking out from the curtains. Batista then comes out behind him, drawing the insane pop of the night. I guess having Simon Dean and Rosey on the show kinda means that Batista will get the best reaction of the show, doesn't it?

Main Event: Non-title Stevie Kick Challenge: Batista © vs Steven Richards

Say it with me: SQUASH! Batista gets in the ring, hits Stevie with some major power moves, and delivers the big sit-down powerbomb to pick up the very easy victory. Batista holds his title up and yells "First Big Show, then I'm coming for YOU, Triple H!" as we fade out for the night.

(69%, 78%, 75%, **1/4)

After-show Notes

We got a 4.09 rating for 'Sunday Night Heat'. The attendance level was 7,527 people, to gain $301,080 from ticket sales.

NWA Wildside and WXW Rage want to compete, but they suck.

Victoria steps into the midcard, from lower.

Christian would like to face Hurricane. Cool.

Overness changes:

Steven Richards - 62 to 64

Christian - 82 to 83

Trish Stratus - 86 to 85

Women's title - 66 (I didn't have it previously written down)

[Steve Corino]

WWE RAW

Date: Monday, April 11, 2005

Announcers: Jim Ross and Terry Funk~!

Segment 1: SHOCKING~! Or something. I guess.

We're backstage, seeing Eric Bischoff behind his desk in his office.

"You know, I decided last week that I would punish Batista for putting Triple H in a compromising situation at Backlash. But then I realized, that Triple H put himself in that position! So he too shall be punished tonight, by facing the Big Red Machine, KANE! So let's go to the ring, because that match is NEXT."

(88%)

Segment 2: Kane vs Triple H

Hey, it wasn't too bad of a match. Could have been better I guess, but what the hell. The end came when Ric Flair gave 3H the sledgehammer and distracted the referee, allowing the cheap shot and the pin for 3H. The ref is dumb because Triple H and Flair walk away with the sledgehammer held high above their heads and he doesn't pay any attention.

(86%, 88%, 82%, ***1/4)

Segment 3: Battle of the Authority Figures! Well, at least it would be if this were 2003.

Backstage with Bischoff again, and we cut in on a conversation he's having. We can't see who he's talking to, we only see Bischoff.

"Now, I know that you have greivances with what happened out there, but you have to look at this realistically."

His guest steps forward and slaps his hands on the counter, and it's STEVIE~!

"Come on Eric! You know that no one can kick out of the Stevie Kick! But Batista gave me a sneak attack! He pulled the tights! He went right for my nose that isn't fully healed yet! You know that my neck was broken back in 97, I can't turn my head well enough to have seen him coming at me from behind!"

"Your neck didn't have anything to do with it. It was a fair fight, albeit one that you lost. And very decisively, I might add."

"We're pals Eric! Remember when you gave me Heat? That was good times! Do your brother a favor!"

"A favor? I keep you on the active roster, give you airtime every week, and pay you! And now you want a favor?"

"Well....yeah."

"Well, I'll tell you what I can do."

"You're gonna do a brother a favor? Thank you! Thank you so much Eric! You won't regret this, I swear!"

Stevie then gets up and leaves the room quickly, and Eric simply shakes his head.

"I'm not being paid enough to have to put up with this."

(76%)

Segment 4: The Hurricane and Rosey vs The Basham Brothers

Yes, the Bashams debut on Raw tonight. And get pasted by Hurricane and Rosey, as Danny falls cleanly to the Eye of the Hurricane. The Bashams are STUNNED and SHOCKED, while Hurricane and Rosey are ECSTATIC and CELEBRATING.

(72%, 70%, 75%, **)

Segment 5: The man makes a good point.

Ric Flair is backstage, and Chris Benoit walks up to him now.

Benoit: "Ric! How's your conscience now?"

Flair: "What do you mean? What do you want?"

Benoit: "I mean you attacking Kane out there."

Flair: "I have to keep Triple H as fresh as possible."

Benoit: "Hm. I've beaten Kane plenty of times, and still was able to keep Triplie H at bay while I had the World title."

Flair: "Yeah? And what the hell do you mean by that?!"

Benoit: "Just think about it, Ric."

Benoit walks away, and Flair looks puzzled before going back to what he was doing.

(80%)

Segment 6: Edge and Christian vs Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit

Damn this was a good match. Hot crowd, hot action, nice star rating. Ended up with Christian pulling the tights and putting his feet on the ropes with Edge holding them to get the win over HBK. E&C then headed up the ramp quickly, holding their arms in the air all the way, as Christian yells out "I told you my entrance music is better than your's!" Right, Christian.

(91%, 90%, 92%, ****1/4)

Segment 7: Live from the Hospital. Maybe.

We look at JR and Terry Funk, and they tell us that they have a feed via telephone from the hospital where William Regal and Tajiri are staying.

JR: "Can you hear us?"

Tajiri: "*Japanese*"

Funk: "He said yes, JR."

Regal: "Hello, everyone."

JR: "Hello, William. Now, I have one question for you two."

Regal: "I have a feeling I know what it is. You're going to ask us about Rhyno's attack last week on Raw."

JR: "Yes, I was. And also, when can we expect to see you return?"

Regal: "As far as my return, the doctors are hopeful but skeptical. They say that I could be returning to action anytime from one month to three months. As far as Tajiri, however, he will be ready as soon as....Sunday."

JR: "Tajiri will be back in time for Backlash?"

Regal: "He will be on hand to witness the destruction of that bloody toerag who calls himself Rhyno. Listen here, sunshine; you thought you were making an impact by taking us out? You have only served to make my charge mad. Tajiri, what do you think about that?"

Tajiri: "Rhyno....will....DIE!"

Regal: "Precisely, Tajiri."

JR: "Well that will be a slobberknocker of a match if it's accepted. We will say goodbye for now, and let you get back to your rehabbing."

Regal: "Goodbye, Sonny Jim."

The phone line clicks off, and we head into the next segment.

(67%)

Segment 8: Calling someone who cares?

We're backstage again, and Rhyno is talking on a cell phone.

"Yeah....yeah. It's almost time that they know what they're dealing with. They thought that Tajiri and Regal were bad, wait'll they get a look at what I'm doing tonight! I'm gonna ****ing Kill him! He will be ****ing DEAD!"

Yeah. Ooooookay.

(68%)

Segment 9: So who has what now?

Chris Jericho is getting ready for his upcoming Highlight Reel, when Edge walks over to him.

Edge: "Hey Chris, what are you doing?"

Jericho: "I'm getting ready for my upcoming Highlight Reel."

See? I told ya.

Edge: "You mean MY upcoming Highlight Reel, right?"

Jericho: "Excuse me?"

Edge: "Yeah. You so totally couldn't beat me last week in our match, so now the Highlight Reel is mine! I think I'll rename it, start calling it 'The Show that Doesn't Completely Suck!' What do ya think, Chris?"

Jericho: "I think you're missing the point. We had a match where if you WON, you got the Highlight Reel. You didn't win."

Edge: "But you didn't win, which means I won! So get out of the way amatuer, and let someone show you how to do a talk show!"

Jericho: "You're not going out there."

Edge: "Who's going to stop me? You?"

Jericho: "Damn right I will."

The two have a staredown, and finally they just say "Forget it" and go their seperate ways for now.

(89%)

Main Event: World Heavyweight Championship - Batista © vs The Big Show

A lot better match than what it should have been, I tell ya what. It ends up with Triple H running out from the back while the referee is down, only to hit....Big Show? He hammers Show, allowing Batista to get the win. Batista notices 3H walking away and gets pissed (like it takes much?) but turns around and gets hit with AAAAAHHHHTheChokeslam!

(85%, 85%, 86%, ***1/2)

Segment 11: DEAD! DEAD! ****ING DEAD!

We're almost ready to sign off, when suddenly RHYNO GOOD GAWD comes out and attacks the announce position! He throws JR aside and goes right for Terry Funk, pounding away on him before lifting him up onto the table and hitting a vicious sitout piledriver on the Funker! We sign off with Rhyno standing over the convulsing Funk, and JR screaming for help.

(70%)

Overall rating: 78%

We got a 5.98 rating for 'RAW'! The attendance level was 7,536 people, for $301,440 from ticket sales.

Rosey thinks he should be further up the card. I don't. I like Rosey and all, but I don't.

Michaels and Benoit ended up working really well as a team.

Stevie Richards - 64 to 66

Big Show - 86 to 85

Doug and Danny Basham - 70 to 69 (Due to their Bodyguard gimmicks. Don't worry, I have plans setting in.)

The floor is your's, Sime.

[Mr Muggy]

TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE

Yes, big bold letters to announce a trade me and the royal Beejus have made.

Smackdown will be welcoming Tyson Tomko over to the Smackdown brand. RAW gets Scotty 2 Hotty in return. Reece wanted Tomko on the roster because he thinks he looks like a goat and GOATS RULE~! Beej probably wants to save Scotty's career. Good luck Beej...

-----------------------------------

LATER ON THAT DAY...

From wwe.com

World Wrestling Entertainment has released Luther Reigns. We thought he was great at first, but we realized he sucked and was a complete douche. We wish the best of luck to Luther and his future endeavors.

To replace him, we have signed someone for a 1 year $40,000 contract. Who is it? Well... I won't say yet. You shall see in the coming weeks. All I can say is... you will probably mark out.

------------------------------------

Okay... my wordpad COMPLETELY screwed up on me. I had all the info put down... and went to save it... and the FUCKING WORDPAD OF ALL THINGS FROZE! So... all I have is overall stats. I remember who lost overness. No problem there. No match ratings or anything like that though for the update... although that will make sense a little when I make the show... you shall see...

------------------------------------

So we got to the arena that day in Buffalo, New York, home of the world famous losing Buffalo Bills, and I realized something.... I've got a really nasty itch on my crotch. I check it... oh dear God... HERPES! I've got FUCKING HERPES! A lifetime of being careful, and one night in New York ruins it all... now... wait a minute... if I've got it, then... oh dear God...

I went to go say hello to the other wrestlers... and they were all feeling uncomfortable... especially after putting on their tights. JBL was screaming about some bitch in New York... ok, long story short, after a sold out show at Madison Square Garden where the team of Cena and Benjamin beat JBL and OJ in a great main event, I took the guys out to a club... and by club, I mean a club with hookers... and by that I mean a strip club. And well... it was pretty damn fun... and then we found out they all wanted sex with us... so of course, we were pounding the drinks heavy and didn't give a shit... and now most of the guys are running around now with various STDs! I think only Angle, Kenzo, Hiroko, Booker T and a few others are not running around with a burning crotch right now. Maybe Kidman doesn't, but we couldn't tell. He can't show emotion anyways.

I knew it... it was gonna be ONE OF THOSE DAYS....

Edited July 13, 2005 by Mr Muggy

[Mr Muggy]

So I'm sitting there going over the show with a few of the peeps explaining their roles. Snitsky, Booker, and Heidenreich went off to plan what they were doing for the night, as did several others. Carlito declared what he was doing to be pretty cool, and I was like.... cool... but he declared his itching not to be cool. He was one of the ones that went to the club. Many others did sadly... so this was gonna be a rough night for the poor guys... but we all have ONE OF THOSE DAYS every now and then.... why the hell do I capitalize ONE OF THOSE DAYS? It's like I'm promoting as a new soap opera on ABC.... on the next ONE OF THOSE DAYS... Torrie Wilson declares she's pregnant.... and it's not Billy's baby... plus... Gene has a special secret he's been keeping from Heidrenich... if you can't guess it, your a dumbass moron.... all this on the next ONE OF THOSE DAYS...

Okay, that ain't happening... but don't count it out one day...

Speaking of Kidman, I gave him his brand spanking new JACKET~! and explained his new gimmick...

Kidman: Um, Simon man... even I know I'm not the greatest talker in the world... um... can we give this to someone else? Like say Jindrak?

Simon: Ok Kiddy... first, don't book for me. Second, Mark Jindrak already has a gimmick... HE CAN FUCKING JUMP! And three... you have that look man... and that jacket fucking rules man.

Shannon Moore then walks by...

Simon: Not like this tool's jacket...

Shannon just stomps away... pissed off at the world... what an angsty tool.... oh well... I guess it's time to start this show...

Smackdown... we still perform for you... even if we have green bumps on our crotch.

WWE Smackdown

April 14, 2005

Live from Buffalo... in our minds... we are wide right.

We hit the pyro really loud with our heads as we join Humpty Dumpty (Tazz) and Simple Simon who has never ate pie but once ate a pieman (Michael Cole).

And we start off the show... oh hell, we're starting it off with a guy who wears tassles and needs Ritalin as soon as possible.

For the Cruiserweight Title... damn he's a fighting champ!

© The Paultimate Warrior vs. Akio, Akio, bo Bio, banana fana, fo Fio, me, mi, mo, Mio.... AKIO!

Akio comes down to the ring in his kickass Shaolin outfit that looks like he's wearing pajama bottoms... and then the music hits... and HERE COMES THE WARRIOR! He runs down to the ring wearing a million tassles as usual and gets gassed 15 seconds in. And then he grabs the mic.... oh Christ....

Paul: "LITTLE WARRIORS, LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE BOXES!"

Paul gets some cheers... but still a lot of silence at the sight of him. Seriously.... this is pretty nuts. Akio looks at him like... oh hell, he probably saw something that looked like him on a PS2 game from Japan anyways...

Paul: "AKIO, THE ORIENTAL WONDER OF MALE PATTERN BALDNESS... this is the sacrifice the gods have given me tonight?! They have given me a Hakushi look alike that wears Pajama bottoms?! Well Akio, QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! Once again, I have come back from my weekly hibernation at the Planet Warrior to smite the cruiserweights of the WWE... and Akio, you are in the warpath of a man on a real mission... a mission to teach the world... THE WAY OF THE WARRIOR! *his voice suddenly gets calm* And if you would like to know more about this way, I have some pamphlets that I will gladly pass out on the way out as you leave the show tonight. *he suddenly goes back to his crazy voice* BUT BACK TO YOU AKIO! I see in your eyes... how very small they are... that you do not wish to partake in the ways of the Warrior..."

Akio shakes his head no... and after seeing London, who can blame him...

Paul: "Well my Shaolin punk monk... YOUR DAY HAS COME! For tonight... the Ultimate Warrior, your God and mine... has decided that YOU, yes YOU my young Akio, are the one to be the one that shall lay down for the 3 count that the Ultimate Warrior once handed to the likes of the Undertaker... to Hulk Hogan... and SKINNER! Yes, I said Skinner! Skinner was a tough one I tell you... so by the power of the Alaska oil pipeline connecting to the Neverland Ranch where Michael Jackson fondles little girls instead of boys... that's true... YOU SHALL BE SMITE DOWN AKIO! WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVATE!"

And it is so on like Donkey Kong... they proceed to have a DAMN fine match (100% match quality!)... but Akio was in the club the other night, and he keeps scratch himself in an uncomfortable way that disturbs some people... oh well... anyways... Akio goes for Akio Time... GO AKIO GO... but London moves... and GRABS THE ROPES! And if you let London grab the ropes... you know one thing... it's all over... London no-sells everything, punches Akio, gorilla presses him and splashes him for the academic 3 count to retain his title! HE'S SMITING THEM ALL! And he runs to the back to go get his pamphlets and prepare for the coming of the fourth moon's eclipse on the Planet Warrior.

Overall: 69%... oh Jesus... poor Akio....

After all that... some lounge music hits on the PA? Ok... and Kidman walks out in his SWANK NEW SHINY JACKET~!

He enters the ring and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He pulls out one, lights it up and starts to smoke it. He motions for a stagehand and gets an ENTIRE microphone stand brought into the ring... what the hell is this?

Billy: "Hi ya doin ya jackasses?!"

And of course the crowd boos if you call them jackasses...

Billy: "Now I'm here to tell all you morons a story... here we go kids.... Little Boy Blue... because he needed the money. HEY~!"

He gets a kick out of the story... but it looks like no one else does... they just boo the joke.

Billy: "Oh come on you bastards, you should love that stuff! All right, here's a better one.... Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, and sat down beside her... and said WHAT'S IN THE BOWL bitch?! HEY~! OH~! YEAH~!"

The crowd boos again... that was really lame, even for my standards.

Billy: "Oh you guys are from Buffalo. You wouldn't know a winning joke anyways... or winning anything... but all you need to know is this... "The Diceman" Billy Kidman is gonna become the biggest thing to hit Smackdown since Heidenreich poking Michael Cole. OH~! HEY~! You believe that you turdheads. YEAH~!"

And he leaves to massive booing... God, Kidman really doesn't have the charisma to pull this off... I'm gonna love putting him out there every week then!

Overall: 51%

And we go from no charisma... to porn stars! Yes, sure it's wooden acting, but you need a lot of charisma to get a blowjob in the middle of a 100 people.

We see another Val Venis video with him sitting in a bathtub talking about how he's gonna come to Smackdown to... RISE... to the top of the card. I'm gonna have fun making sex puns with this guy. Then a girl gets in the tub and starts going down on him... and then we have to cut the tape because UPN didn't want the rest of that shown.. all we get after that is... VAL VENIS COMES TO SMACKDOWN.... NEXT WEEK~!

Overall: 75

Val gains one point for getting a girl to go down on him in the middle of a video put on UPN. That ladies and gentlemen, is good TV.

This next match is here for your enjoyment... oh who am I kidding? I have D'Von Dudley in this match!

Rey Mysterio vs. D'Von Dudley

Mysterio and the Dud have a sluggish match.... not much motivation behind this feud it seems... oh well. Rey Mysterio nails D'Von into the 619 position... and here comes Bubba in the TYE DYE AND GLASSES! BUBBA BOMB! 3D! Rey gets decimated... and here comes Eddie! He runs down to beat both men up... and Spike Dudley pops up from under the apron and low blows Eddie! Just a thought... how do wrestlers get under there? Do they stay there for an hour just to low blow someone? Cause if they do... that's pretty fucking lame. They could just run out and do that. Does hiding under a ring for an hour make it more evil? Anyways, Eddie gets the crap beat out of him too. Spike has to wear bigger pants, because he's having...um... swollen problems and we don't want people to know what religion he is...er...yeah... NEXT...

Overall: 67%

The following segment is sponsored by Milk Duds, the greatest chocolate candy after M&Ms, Snickers, 3 Muskateers, Milky Ways, Rolos, Klondike bars, Hershey bars, Whatchamacallits, Mounds, Almond Mounds, Pinson Mounds, Mr. Goodbar, Mrs. Goodbar, Little Timmy Goodbar, Dr. Raymond Goodbar and the Goodbar Kliq, and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups... it's better than everything else though!

And here we see Teddy Long in an office COVERED in Milk Dud paraphenilia. There are Milk Dud pencils, pens, mugs, lamps, posters... sheesh. Talk about product placement...

Teddy: "Ladies and gentlemen, the few announcements I would like to make tonight are sponsored by the one and only Milk Duds, the only candy to be shaped like my head! HOLLA HOLLA PLAYERS! Eat a Milk Dud to day! They don't expire for 18 years, so they're still fresh folks! Now then, we must press on to some serious business... first off... as you can see from last week, when Shelton Benjamin was traded over to Smackdown from RAW, he brought us something with him... he brought the Intercontinental title to our beloved show. Now... this can create quite a clutter here on Smackdown... we have a WWE champion... a cruiserweight champion... tag team champions... US champion... and now a Intercontinental champion... well i don't want to have clutter and people fighting over meaningless titles... so what we are going to do is fuse TWO TOGETHER PLAYA! That's right... at Spring Stampede on the 30th of April... we will see Shelton Benjamin take on Orlando Jordan... in a unification match! Two titles will merge and become one! But I'm not stopping with the announcements... tonight, in that very ring... you will see two champions go at it! Orlando, I hope your ready, because your opponent for tonight... is the WWE Champion himself, JOHN CENA!

But that is not all... I have talked to Cena and he has picked the stipulation for his match with JBL at Spring Stampede... and he has decided the only way to finish this off once and for all... is to hold the match within the confines of a STEEEEEEEEEEL CAGE! So at Spring Stampede, we will see... JBL against John Cena for the WWE title, in a CAGE MATCH! HOLLA HOLLA AND BUY A MILK DUD PLAYAS!"

Overall: 71%

The herpes wasn't his fault... but sleeping with prostitutes without Trojans... yes, that is.

Booker T vs. Gene Snitsky

The POWER OF THE HERPES strikes again, this time to poor Gene Snitsky. I need to get that Priolsec or whatever they call it to prevent this stuff. Sheesh... anyways, Gene gives it all he can give... I can feel for the guy... he gets in his powerful Sid like offense. And Booker T... sleepwalks through this. Same may say he put effort into it... but I say NO SHEEBA NO! Booker T has to step up some more.... until then, he'll get a Bossman Slam from Heidenreich and pinned by Snitsky for the 3 count like he did here. GO SNITSKENREICH AND STUFF~!

Overall: 65% (I blame Booker because I'm running this show and I can. Besides, his wife annoys me backstage. She's all don't go there girlfriend and I'm like NO YOU DIDN'T, and she's all like YEAH I DID so I went down to the beauty salon to tell all the ladies....)

After the breaks, we have apples, palm trees, lawn chairs, and a man in the coolest clothes in the world.... while this is usually the setting at my house, this is right now, Carlito's CABANA!

He declares Buffalo to be totally uncool... hell, he's hit the mark for once! He then says he has another part of his 50 things that are not cool list... here's 10 more for ya'll uncool people...

-Little emo punks who try to make everyones' life miserable

-Bubbles

-David Letterman

-Getting chocolate stains on your khakis... damn Milk Duds...

-Jak after the first Jak

-Kurt Angle's suits

-Booker T's wife

-The Clap... damn itching.....

-Crabs... I mean the animal... not the disease... ask Rob Conway about that problem...

-Avril Lavigne

That is all for the uncool list for now... but now he wants to introduce someone who is pretty cool... but not as cool as Carlito... he is Mr. Shelton Benjamin! On the titanron appears this...

"Who is coming to the Cabana?

A. Kevin McBride

B. Rob & Amber

C. SHELTON BENJAMIN~!"

Shelton gets a great pop and holds his IC title high and talks to Carlito about coming to Smackdown to make a powerful impact. He then declares his intentions to be THE man on Smackdown, and out comes your and mine wrestling..... GOD... JBL. JBL gets pissed at JBL for ruining his chance to take out Eminem once and for all last week and says he will pay for it. And Shelton says... C THIS! And nails JBL right in the face with a right hand! It becomes insane as Carlito bails out to the outside to get away from this. OJ and his MAGNIFICENT HEAD OF HAIR run in to make it a 2-on-1 beatdown on Shelton until John Cena runs in with a chain to drive the remains of the Cabinet away. Must have been scared he would have Fireman Carried them to death. JBL and Orlando laugh on the way back and JBL promises Cena "a suprise... that will leave him down on the mat by the end of the night". DUN DUN DUNNNNNN...

Overall: 79%

No one gained or lost... they must all be sleeping with that Overness woman this week... so she's the one causing the STDs!

And now, a rematch from last week! Aren't you excited?! You should be! Look who it is... oh no... why do you think I will **** it up again?

Kurt Angle vs. Nunzio

Nunzio has a new game plan this week says Michael Cole. Angle enters and Nunzio goes to throw a punch... Angle hooks it into a Fujiwara Armbar and transitions to the ankle lock! Nunzio taps! Another 6 second match! Angle walks off to the back having FOILED Nunzio's plans once again! Once again... awesome match.

Overall: 80% (Had a 99% match rating... but Nunzio had syphillis of course...)

We then get a video of a blurred individual beating up people to a large crowd response... can't tell who it is or he is beating...

And then we here one of his infamous promos over the video...

???: "SDLKGJDLKGFSDJGLKDF HLGSKDJGLKSFDG DFJLKGSDKJF KDFJGD UTQAWRA DJSG GD G GJKSLGSJ KLGJSDLKG KGDD YOU'RE GOING DOWN JSLRAWOAFJ GSNDL GJALKDGLS!"

He's coming to Smackdown... soon....

Overall: 58%... what the hell was that?

<b>And now two sweaty men in tights declare what they like about each other.... no this is not gay. Why do you ask?</b>

We see Snitskenreich in the back getting their bags packed and getting read to leave. And then Heidenreich speaks up...

Heidenreich: "I like what you did to Booker T out there tonight."

Snitsky: "I like what you did with that swinging slam thingy that you did."

Heidenreich: "I like how you put his shoulders on the mat for the 3 count."

Snitsky: "I like what you did the way you sneaked out of that ring so the referee didn't see you."

Heidenreich: "I still like the way you punted that baby."

Snitsky: "I still like the what you do with poems."

Heidenreich: "I like what you did with your beard and all those rubber bands."

Snitsky: "I like what you did with your hair... what shampoo did you use?"

Heidenreich: "Suave.... for men."

Snitsky: "I like what you do with that."

Heidenreich: "Hey, do your nads itch as much as mine do?"

Snitsky: "Probably... I like what you do with your itch."

ANDDDD, let's get away from that scene as soon as possible...This goes for another 15 minutes or so again... I love my fans and you can tell with pieces like this.

Overall: 58%

Snitsky and Heidenreich lost 2 points of overness for that long uncomfortable pause between "Suave" and "for".

And now for the main event... like anyone who reads this really cares.... well read on for something exciting! Ok, not that exciting, but I like the idea...

Non-title Match

John Cena vs. Orlando Jordan

The champs are here! Yes, these two guys are my champions when I have so many other guys on my roster.... and one tool. Anyways, Orlando uses his BOXING ROOTS with his black gloves and the power of his MAGNIFICENT HEAD OF HAIR to take it to Cena. Cena makes the obligitory comeback, Spinny Powerbomb, Five-Knuckle Shuffle, and then goes for the KICK WHAM FIREMAN'S CARRY when a bald guy with a long ass goatee in a SWANK~! suit runs in and BOOTS Cena's head off! The ref calls for the DQ as the individual who ran in takes his shades off... IT'S TYSON TOMKO! Tomko casually picks up Cena and then delivers his torture rack into a neckbreaker that I need a name for. JBL walks out and it's a 3 on 1 beatdown! Shelton tries to run in for the save and does good for himself... and then gets BOOTED to hell by Tomko. Tomko is apparently the newest member of the Cabinet as JBL, OJ, and Tomko raise hands to a massive amount of boos. END SHOW... Bad match... Cena and Jordan had gonahrea, NUFF SAID...

Overall: 72%

Overall: 66%

We got a 6.16 rating for 'Smackdown!'!

The attendance level was 8016 people.

We made $320640 from ticket sales.

God damn that's pretty bad besides the rating. I was later told Booker T and Gene Snitsky didn't 'click'. WELL DUH... Booker is holding Gene back! I won't have Booker T become the Triple H of Smackdown!

Also, Kidman came up to me afterwards and said the following. "How about hooking me up with Khosrow Daivari as a manager? It would improve my interviews and give an extra dimension to my character." I laughed my head off at this poor fool... DAIVARI IS ON RAW YOU DUMBASS! I CAN'T GET HIM RIGHT NOW! And besides... his gimmick is fine. The last thing Kidman's character needs is an arab guy that speaks no english following him around. Seriously.

Well, I'm off to go take some pills for my herpes. I'll be back for a thrilling Velocity.

[Mr Muggy]

So I was sitting there planning out Velocity... Randy Orton makes his Smackdown brand debut, I test out Rob Conway's new gimmick... Shannon Moore is a Tool, Round 2... and of course the most popular segment in the history of the WWE, The Jump Challenge brought to you by Hoover Vaccums and Mark Jindrak... and then my producer and creative assistants, Ronald and Wesley ran up to me in a huff.

Ronald: Boss, we got a problem.

Simon: What is it now? Who's injured? Who feel off the toilet and torn their ACL?

Wesley: No one... but we did have a problem with the videos for Val Venis and that new guy your bringing in.

Simon: What's wrong with 'em?

Ronald: Well Mr. Simon, the videos have kinda been... melted together... the machine started kicking out on us and it put both of Val's and the other guy's videos together!

Simon: That's all? That way we can hype two guys at the same time! Nice work killing the machine! Play the tape...

Wesley: But boss-

Simon: Play The Tape.

I mean seriously... what was so bad about the tapes being melted together somewhat?

And now for your orgasmic pleasure... I bring to you WWE Velocity... this Velocity has 100% more Jindrak and 100% less Juvi. I don't know which one I like more...

WWE Velocity

April 16, 2005

You could watch Backlash tomorrow, but seriously... would you watcHHH it?

We hit the cool sideway pyro with a wooden mallet and a rusty nail and turn it over to Michael Cole and Al Snow.

And we start off with the most popular thing since the herpes cream I gave everyone after the show. Yes, the STDs are starting to go away... but they will creep up sooner or later...

And Mark Jindrak walks out to a whole lotta pyro, a whole lotta confetti, and a whole lotta fanfare. All this over the ability to jump... geez... why did Olympic high jumpers never learn how to wrestle? That Fosbury guy could have been FREAKIN OVER in the WWE. Anyways, Jindrak takes the microphone and we're off and running.

Jindrak: "Ah yes my wonderful fans... it is time once again for everybody's favorite segment in the WWE this side of the booking meetings... the MARK JINDRAK JUMP CHALLENGE~! The fan mail and e-mails have been POURING in and I think each and every one of you... but I can honestly say... I probably could jump higher than ya'll. And for those little kids who sent me letters wishing they could jump as high as me... hey, you got something to strive for! Work on your calves and leg muscles all the time! One day, you'll be able to jump as high as I can! Now then.... the challenge this week is 100% less toolish compared to last week... but 100% more crippled! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.... Mr. Thursday Night, Rob Van Dam!"

RVD walks out on crutches looking pissed off at the world. Reece is making him still be in that ring even though he's injured. Boo hoo RVD... everyone's got herpes and your complaining about a torn ACL? DEAL WITH IT ROBBY BOY.

Jindrak: "Well well it's the high flying superstar we call RVD. How ya doin Rob?"

RVD: "Well I'm on painkillers right now for my knee and-"

Jindrak: "Excellent news Robbie! Now Robbie... we know you jump high when you come off that top rope for the Five Star Frog Splash... but can you jump high when your on this mat? As you know, I possess one of the highest leaps in the entire world... watch."

Jindrak then drops the mic and leaps HIGH into the air and touches the bar above him to a great response from the crowd. He's a crowd magnet people.

Jindrak: "See, I make a Mario brother leaping for a question mark block look silly. Now it's your turn Robbie V."

RVD: "Hey, you know my leg is hurt... I can't jump-"

Jindrak: "And did I mention that Reece said your medical insurance would be taken away if you didn't do this? No painkillers or anything for you!"

RVD: "WHAT? THAT LITTLE BASTARD!"

Jindrak: "Yeah.... so let's see if ya can jump cripple!"

RVD has to drop his crutches... and he leaps! He gets good height with one leg, but misses the bar and lands right on the bad leg again! He falls down howling in pain as Jindrak shakes his head. RVD starts screaming "IT TORE AGAIN!"

Jindrak: "Tsk, tsk... oh well... once again, I, the magnificent Mark Jindrak have come out victorious in a Jump Challenge. Tune in again next week when I totally own another Smackdown superstar. Until then, this is Mark Jindrak saying if you can't do 500 leg squats every day.... your a bitch. Thank you and good night!"

Jindrak leaves to a hero's ovation as the stretcher comes out to drag RVD's ass to the back.

Overall: 68%

Rob Van Dam lost 2 points for his wonderful (re: wooden) acting job.

This is the part of the show where people wrestle... yeah I know... foriegn concept...

Rene Dupree vs. Nick Dinsmore

Dinsmore and Dupree have an extremely solid match. Dupree is underrated in my opinion. He has the look and size to be major star here... but that will have to happen at a later date. This push right now is for the Lords of the Ring. Dupree looked pretty dominant though until Kenzo's music started playing on the PA system. He was carried out on his throne by.... what the hell? It looked like Japanese soldiers with burgers on the front of their shirts. And Kenzo is wearing a crown and eating a burger on the way down to the ring! Dupree looks at him like WTF?! as Dinsmore stalks him from behind... there's the German Suplex, and there is the 3 count for Dinsmore! Kenzo looks on shaking his head and eating a Double Whopper. Dupree gets up and stares at Kenzo and is all like "what the hell are you doing? Kenzo grabs the mic and says three words that change his character and future forever....

Kenzo: "HAIL BURGER EMPEROR!"

The burger soldiers take him back to the back as Rene stares in confusion... and who can blame him.

Overall: 77% Crowd: 72% Match: 82% (**3/4)

And after that, we go backstage to where Marissa Mazolla is standing by the victorious Nick Dinsmore and his partner Rob Conway...

Marissa: "Nick, congratulations on your win. Now what are you and Rob Conway going to do now here on Smackdown?"

Nick: "Well I think it is obvious Marissa... we are on a quest to prove that we truly are, the Lords of that ring, that we are the best tag team there is in the WWE and to become the WWE Tag Team Champions."

Marissa: "And Conway, do you think you will be able to reach that goal any time soon?"

Conway: "FUCK YEAH!"

Nick and Marissa panic as Conway just said that on live TV!

Nick: "Dude, you can't say that!"

Conway: "Why the FUCK not!? It's a FUCKING word! Words were meant to be said! Now let's talk about that DICKHEAD Rene Dupree and his personal BITCH Fifi. Wanna do that Marissa? Point is... that is Nick Dinsmore, and I'm ROB FUCKING CONWAY! We are the LORDS OF THE FUCKING RING! We are the best damn tag team in the world! And if you don't believe that, then we will **** **** ON YOUR ******* **** AND **** YOUR MAMA ON THE ********! AND THAT'S THE ******* TRUTH MOTHER FUCKER!"

Conway walks away as Dinsmore and Marissa just stand there in shock of what just happened. And I'm glad we have a great censor too... or I would be ****** over.

Overall: 63%

This made Beejus cry... but oh well. At least he's losing to a wrestling............................................... long pause isn't it?........................... GOD.

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Psychosis

JBL comes out without his usual swagger... I guess the idea of a steel cage match with Cena isn't making him happy... and he proceeds to stiff the bloody hell out of the Mexican superstar. Scott Hall Contractually Obligated Fallaway Slam, Power Bomb, and Clothesline from MSNBC later... JBL wins. And then he Clotheslines Psychosis again for the hell of it... that evil Republican.... I've got nothing for this... besides, I don't want to offend anyone with Mexican Jumping Bean jokes.

O: 76% C: 77% M: 76% (**)

And we come back to see the same video of Val Venis last week... what the hell?!

Every 3 seconds, the video cuts away to the debut guy's video screaming his untranslateable promo! At one point, our mystery guy screams YOU'RE GOING DOWN right as it cuts away to the Venis video when the woman is starting to go down on Val! OH JESUS THE TAPE GOT STUCK ON THIS PART AND REPEATS FOR A FULL MINUTE! I can't wait for that meeting with the censors... they're going down....

Overall: 61%

How many Tools does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but these two could probably tell you after they argue about what color the blinds in the windows should be.

Shannon Moore vs. Randy Orton

This is Randy Orton's debut on the Smackdown brand. He gets his usual pyro, awesome pose, and the song...

HEY (HEY)

THIS SONG IS REALLY GAY (GAY)

Anyways... Shannon Moore comes out looking more gay than Randy Orton... and that's quite the accomplishment for the young Tool from North Carolina. Orton overpowers him and clubs him around the ring with his OVW offense. I mean it's way too simple. Shannon Moore is able to make a pretty ok comeback hitting the Giant Tool (Corkscrew Moonsault off the top) on Orton. Orton falls on the back of his head and holds in quite a bit of pain. Nice sell job. He's got a glazed over look, and Shannon looks like he may pull off something good here... but Orton leaps up out of nowhere and RKO's him into the next dimension. 1-2-3, and Orton wins in his debut on Smackdown. He tries to climb up to the top rope to celebrate, but he just holds his head in quite a bit of pain. Concussion maybe? Who knows... he still beat a Tool, and that's all that matters.

P.S.: They would have picked purple blinds to match the walls and a yellow bookcase for that Toolish contrast to the room. See them next with Christopher Lowell on Interior Motives.

O: 71% C: 67% M: 75% (**)

Overall: 66%

Not that good of a show really... lackluster in some ways... but we did have Jindrak and parents lighting up the switchboards left and right. Afterwards, the censors called me and I told them to shove a DICK monkey up their FUCKING ass and FUCK them and their FUCKING uptight BITCHWADS with giant DICKS and a coconut ***** (well, even I can't type that). FUCK you and have a nice day.

The last three setnences were brought to you by McDonalds. I'm FUCKING lovin' it mother FUCKER.

Beej, it's your go man. Good luck with Backlash. I'll be there cheering on Marty. Reece wants to meet up with later to talk about some coke deal or something...

The rest of what we currently have will be posted tomorrow. Hope you enjoy what you have seen so far. Feedback is appreciated.

Edited July 13, 2005 by Mr Muggy

[RavenBlack]

Oh dear God this is hysterical.

[Steve Corino]

WWE Sunday Night Heat

Doug Basham vs Marty Jannetty

Hey, it could have been worse. Jannetty picked up the win following a superkick and Rocker Dropper before "rocking" with a few people from the crowd.

(66, 61, 71, *1/2)

Basham lost 1 point, plus what he lost for his gimmick.

RAW presents: BACKLASH!

Date: April 17, 2005

Announcers: Jim Ross and Terry Funk

Location: Verizon Wireless Arena @ Manchester, Wisconsin

Theme: Trust Company - "Stronger"

"Stronger" plays through the arena, as a shitload of pyro goes off on the stage.

JR: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we have an amazing line-up of matches in store for you all tonight!"

Funker: "That's right Jim, we have matches like the Japanese Buzzsaw Tajiri against that vile son of a (bleep) of a Man-Beast Rhyno."

JR: "We know you have some extra added motivation for wanting to see Tajiri take out Rhyno in that one. We will also witness the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels taking on the self-proclaimed Captain Charisma Christian."

Funker: "He really does have cooler entrance music, though."

JR: "There will be a rematch from two Raws ago, when Edge put his Money in the Bank contract on the line against the Highlight Reel of Chris Jericho. The two wrestled to the time limit draw, and so last week's scheduled Highlight Reel, where Jericho was going to interview Muhammed Hassan, never took place!"

Funker: "But that also means that Jericho has rights to Edge's Money in the Bank contract, which is why the two planned to settle things tonight at Backlash."

JR: "And of course this will all lead up to the big No Disqualification main event of the night, where the World Heavyweight Championship will be on the line!"

Funker: "That's right. Batista used his brain rather than simply his muscles in making the deal where Triple H cannot receive a title shot while Batista holds the title if he loses, but Eric Bischoff allowed Triple H to make the match No Disqualification."

JR: "Well for once I almost have to agree with Bischoff. These two men just cannot be contained in a normal match."

Funker: "But look, JR, it's time for what might be one of my favorite matches of this show!"

While "Stronger" faded out and everyone sat down, the sound of Chris Masters's entrance theme began to play and he started his elaborate entrance. But while his back was turned, he was attacked by Steven Richards! Stevie slammed Masters's head into the barricade, and then threw him into the ring as the bell sounds.

Match 1: Chris Masters vs Steven Richards

This actually wasn't too bad of a match. I mean, it could have been a lot better given someone other than Masters, but what the hell? At the end, Masters had made a solid comeback, and was ready to hook on the Masterlock and finish Stevie off, when he got a sudden idea. He decided he'd go for another Polish Hammer to break Steven's nose again, and yes, the Funker did indeed mention that fact. So Steven was sent off to the ropes, but he DUCKS! MASTERS TURNS AROUND INTO A STEVIE KICK! 1! 2! 3! Steven Richards pins Chris Masters! Masters is LIVID when he gets back to his feet, putting the referee in the Masterlock.

(62, 52, 73, *1/2)

Segment 2: I love when a good debut comes together.

Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari come out from the curtain now, and they walk to the ring. Daivari says something, and Hassan translates into english.

"Good evening....you fat Ame-ican pigs! I had to put out an open challenge in order to just get ON this pay-per-view, so I am not in the best of moods to say the least."

Funker: "Maybe his local Qwik-E-Mart shut down."

JR: "What?"

Funker: "That's why he's not in the best of moods."

"So I made the challenge. So one of you ignorant Ame-icans can walk down that ramp and climb into the ring that my brother's only child had to put together so that you idiots wouldn't have to do so yourselves, and find out that I am only a bad person when I am mistreated."

Suddenly THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!!!! Because the very familiar metallic yet majestic opening riff of the world's GREATEST ENTRANCE THEME (save Repo Man) starts up, bringing out.....

JR: "CHARLIE HAAS! MAH GAWD IT'S CHARLIE HAAS!"

Funker: "I've seen this kid at work, he might make sure that Hassan is talking out the other side of his mouth on those remarks about the fat Americans."

Haas goes down to the ring and rolls in, grabbing Hassan's microphone from him and backing down Daivari right away.

Haas: "You wanted an American to answer your challenge? I was an ALL-American! So come on Hassan, let's get the bell rung, and let's go!"

Haas throws the microphone down, and Hassan meekly picks it up, keeping an eye on Haas.

Hassan: "Oh. Haas, is it? Well I am sorry to disappoint you, because the challenge was not for me. It was for.....Daivari!"

AND DAIVARI LOOKS READY TO PISS HIS PANTS~. But Hassan leaves the ring and tells Daivari some words of encouragement that sounds like gibberish to people who don't speak their language.

(87)

Haas gained 3 points for his RAW PPV debut, and Hassan gained 1 for being a cowardly heel.

Match 3: Khosrow Daivari vs Charlie Haas

Daivari doesn't get the chance to input any of Hassan's great knowledge, because Haas gives him a German suplex right at the start and doesn't let up until rolling back with the Haas of Pain to get the submission. Hassan looks ready to try something, but he backs away when Haas is ready for him. Haas holds his arms high, loving it as Hassan and Daivari head back to the locker room.

(70, 67, 74, **)

Funker: "What a bad day for Daivari. He comes here and gets destroyed by Charlie Haas, and earlier today he lost his job at the Qwik-E-Mart that closed down."

JR: "Well nonetheless, Charlie Haas picks up a big victory here tonight. But next, folks, we have a big lineup of matches that are dealing with one thing: revenge."

Funker: "That's right, JR, and while they are all great matches, one sticks out in my mind the most, and that is the one that is coming up next between Tajiri and that son of a bitch Rhyno."

JR: "It was just two weeks ago that Rhyno decided to make his return to RAW, and he did so by delivering the Gore to William Regal, a man who has had documented internal stomach problems, and then doing so to Tajiri on the steel ramp."

Funker: "And then putting me through this very entrance table last week on RAW. That son of a...."

JR: "I think we understand, Terry. Calm down, you have to stay at the table."

So of course, Rhyno comes out and the first thing he does is go harass Terry Funk. But Tajiri comes from behind and hits Rhyno with a chair! He keeps hitting him, and drags him down to the ring.

Funker: "I think we see a pattern developing here tonight, JR...."

Match 4: Tajiri vs Rhyno

And Tajiri actually squashes the hell out of Rhyno! He keeps kicking him (HARD TOO!), putting him down with moves from the ropes, and just anything he can try to do in order to put Rhyno away, but it always gets a 2 count. Finally Tajiri tries a different approach, and he uses the Green Mist. AND IT JUST PISSES HIM OFF~!~! Rhyno stands straight up and Gores the fuck out of Tajiri to get the win. Rhyno starts to leave the ring afterwards, but just for good measure he goes back in and Gores Tajiri a second time.

(79, 72, 87, ***1/4)

Match 5: Chris Jericho vs Edge

The crowd was pretty hot in this match, though there was only a small amount of fans screaming "You Screwed Matt!" at Edge. The end of the match saw Jericho locking in the Walls on Edge, but Christian came down and hit Jericho with a chair to break the hold behind the referee's back, giving Edge the victory and the Highlight Reel. E&C mock Jericho as he is on his back following the chairshot, and they grab another chair and wait for him to get up so they can deliver a Con-chair-to to him, when Shawn Michaels runs out and breaks it up! Jericho and Michaels clean house, with Jericho finally firing off a Cactus Clothesline that sends he and Edge out of the ring, leaving the next match in place!

(85, 90, 74, **1/2)

Edge gains 1 for screwing Matt while he's not healthy enough to defend himself.

Match 6: Shawn Michaels vs Christian

No Edge or Jericho outside the ring for this one, these two have to deal with one another one-on-one. And Christian shows what kind of person he is, when he ducks a Sweet Chin Music (no small feat itself) but follows by hooking the tights and getting the pin with a rollup. Christian rolls out of the ring and celebrates his "huge" victory, as Michaels protests to the referee.

(87, 88, 86, ***1/2)

Christian gains 1 for having cooler entrance music. Deal with it.

Ric Flair is getting ready to go out to the ring with Triple H, when he's pulled aside....once again, by Chris Benoit.

Benoit: "Ric! Going to try and giftwrap the World Heavyweight title for Triple H again?"

Flair: "None of your business, Benwah!"

Benoit: "No, you are misunderstanding me, Ric. I said that I will show you that Triple H's side is not where you should be, and I plan to put my words into actions."

Flair: "Just what are you talking about?"

Benoit: "Wait and see Ric....and we'll see if I can't have proven you wrong."

Benoit walks away, and Flair shakes his head before heading toward the curtain to the ring.

(76)

Benoit loses 2 because he's got next to no charisma.

Main Event: No Disqualification for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista © vs Triple H

Well at least the crowd was in it. It wasn't a BAD match. But it wasn't a very good one either. The end came and witnessed Triple H ready to use the sledgehammer on Batista, when Chris Benoit came out and took it from him, then hit him with it, sending him back into a big sitdown powerbomb from Batista to retain the title! Batista holds the title high, as Benoit screams "I told you Ric! I told you!" to end the show.

(86, 91, 76, **3/4)

The WHC gains image.

Show Rating: 79%

We got a 1.52 buy rate and 17,938 people in attendance. We made $3,800,000 from pay-per-view revenue and $1,076,280 from ticket sales.

Road Agent note: Jericho and Edge didn't quite click in their match. Well, glad I'm done with that, then.

Overness changes:

Charlie Haas - 72 to 75

Chris Benoit - 93 to 91

Chris Masters - 32 to 34

Christian - 83 to 84

Doug Basham - 70 to 67

Edge - 88 to 89

Muhammed Hassan - 74 to 75

Rhyno - 79 to 80

Steven Richards - 64 to 66

World Heavyweight Championship - 90 to 92

[Steve Corino]

HUGE TRADE ANNOUNCED!

Just hours after Backlash, Beautiful Beej and Sweet Sime have just made another trade. This one will send Funaki over to RAW for Chris Masters. The Masterpiece is officially a member of Smackdown now and Smackdown's #1 Announcah is RAW. What will happen to the two wrestlers? DUN DUN DUN... stay tuned... although both have plans that will fuck up some stuff. What will they be? Continue, loyal viewers....

----------------------------------------------------------

WWE RAW

Date: Monday, April 18, 2005

Commentators: Jim Ross and Terry Funk

IT'S THE NIGHT AFTER A PAY-PER-VIEW SO WE BROUGHT THE FIREWORKS!! (Sorry Dukes, couldn't help it) We scan the crowd, and then go down to JR and the Funker.

JR: "Last night was Backlash, and we saw a lot of things transpire that will have huge impacts on tonight's Raw!"

Funker: "Most importantly was Batista retaining the World Heavyweight Championship over his former mentor, Triple H."

JR: "General Manager Eric Bischoff has decided that Triple H WOULD get one final shot, but inserted two more men into the match in order to make it fair!"

Funker: "Triple H may have weasled his way into another match for the belt, but against Batista, Kane, and the Big Show, what chance does he have?"

JR: "The Game is a crafty one, but....wait, here comes Ric Flair!"

Funker: "Banana nose..."

Segment 1: BAH GAWD IT'S A TRAP KIN-...TERRY

Ric Flair comes out, and he prompts some Woos from everyone before getting down to business.

"Last night, I can honestly say that I was shown the light. I was shown that Triple H could not win the World Heavyweight Championship from Batista. So I would like to see - ONE MAN - walk, DOWN THAT AISLE - right now, and that's YOU Chris Benwaaah."

"Whatever" starts to play, and Benoit begins walking down to the ring. BUT TRIPLE H IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER! You'd think that Benoit would have seen him while he was behind the curtain. Anyways, he brains Chris with the hammer, and then him and Flair walk backstage together as people come and take Benoit away. ARN~! and DEAN~! are seen, so I mark out.

(87%)

Segment 2: Charlie Haas vs Sylvan Grenier

Haas takes over from the start, and in true jobber fashion, Grenier more or less takes it and doesn't do much but sell. A Haas of Pain finishes things up here, and Haas celebrates his "big" win.

(64%, 71%, 73%, **)

Segment 3: He has something to say. We just can't understand it.

Daivari talks some, and then Hassan basically says that he'll avenge Daivari's loss at Backlash to Haas. REVENGE, HE SAY! But it's not as moving because no matter how many robes they put on, Hassan and Daivari aren't the Sith. Daivari says something else in gibberish. Least it sounds like gibberish to me.

(68%)

Segment 4: The End? Damn.

Chris Jericho is seen walking around backstage, and he sighs when he sees the JeriTron 5000 sitting in a dumpster. He keeps walking, but now with a more determined look on his face.

(87%)

Segment 5: Maven vs Chris Jericho

Yeah, like after that I would job Jericho to MAVEN? Do you think I'm insane? Jericho gets the win with the Lionsault and then raises his arms in joyous manner afterwards.

(71%, 83%, 73%, **1/4)

Segment 6: DUN-DUN-DUN-DAAA DUN-DA-DA

Fortunately, the Bashams are in the ring, and they have a microphone. Unfortunately, Doug is using it.

Doug: "Ever since we got to Raw, we been having NO luck! But our luck is about to change! I understand there's some big deal planned for tonight as far as a tag team goes, and we're gonna come out here to meet it! Because we're the Bashams! We've beaten every team there was to beat on SmackDown! We just haven't found our niche yet on Raw, but we will, and it'll start tonight!"

The Bashams do the "come on!" motion, and suddenly.....THE MUSIC HITS!

Here comes the Ax! And here comes the Smasher! The Demolition! Walking disaster!

PAIN AND DESTRUCTION! IS OUR MIDDLE NAMES!

The crowd are STANDING! They want to see Demolition! BUT LO! WHAT IS THIS?!?!

Funker: "What the hell do they think they're doing?"

Oh yeah, two people in studded leather outfits with their faces painted up all fancy and ready to go to war. But....what the hell?

The White One: "I'm Bam!"

The Japanese One: "H'WAAH!!!"

"Bam": "And we are DEMOLITION - THE NEXT GENERATION!"

"H'WAAH": "H'WAAH!!!"

"Bam": "And we're gonna kick your stinkin' teeth....down your stinkin' throats!"

Which all sounds good. Except "Bam" only stands 5'9, and "H'WAAH" is only 5'7.

JR: "Those two must have taken bumps to the head on their trip to Raw! But this will be a match, NEXT!"

(67%)

Scotty "Bam" Taylor and Sho "H'WAAH" Funaki are now Comedy Characters. Yes, Scotty 2 Hotty and Funaki as Demolition. Let that sink in for a little.

Segment 7: Demolition: TNG vs The Bashams

Yeah, like I'm gonna job those two in their debut. A much shorter version of Demolition Decapitation gets the win for H'WAAH over Danny.

(58%, 51%, 79%, **)

The match was a let-down to the fans, following the last match. How? It was freakin' MAVEN. The Bashams are still losing overness though.

Segment 8: Rhyno vs Rosey

Look up to the Haas/Grenier match. Insert "Rhyno" for Haas, "Rosey" for Grenier, and "GORE FROM HELL" for Haas of Pain. Except Rhyno didn't just celebrate. He piledrove Rosey off the ring apron through a table.

(65%, 72%, 75%, **)

Segment 9: Your show sucks like Lita!

Edge comes out for his new talk show, called Livin' With The Edge. Yeah, that name sucks, but that's the intent.

Edge: "Tonight we see the debut of Livin' With The Edge! I'm your host....Edge! And I would like to bring out my first guest. Now, you may all remember who Chris Jericho's first guest was. No wait, you don't, because not only is he a loser, but all of you are too!"

Cheap shot! Cheap shot!!

"My first guest is none other than.....Shawn Michaels!"

"Sexy Boy" plays, and Michaels comes out, looking leery towards Edge.

JR: "I don't blame Shawn for being nervous. Edge and Christian are definatly in cahoots."

Funker: "They don't have to be 'in cahoots', JR, they're brothers. You have to back your brother no matter what."

JR: "You would know all about that."

Funker: "But if your brother doesn't hold his own you have to hit him with a branding iron."

JR: "Of course."

Edge: "So Shawn, come on in. Sit down. I know how you old folks have to sit down and take a rest after walking too far, and that ramp's a killer. And may I just say, that my brother is right. Your entrance music is so TOTALLY out of style!"

Shawn: "So what exactly did you want me to come out here for? Where's Christian hiding at this week? Is he under the ring? In the crowd? Somehow, I'm not surprised at his actions. Usually if one brother is a cheater, so is the other!"

Big "You Screwed Matt!" chant starts up. Yeah, that kicks some ass.

Funker: "That was like when I wrestled Cactus."

JR: "What's that?"

Funker: "He just got BURNED."

Yeah, that kicks even more ass.

Edge: "Now....now....why would Christian hide under the ring? Or in the crowd? Especially when....he's right there!"

HBK turns around, but no one is there. But when he turns back, Edge hits him with the microphone! Christian comes out from the back carrying Edge's Money in the Bank briefcase, and the two start laying into Shawn with it before leaving happily. I guess that falls under shit happens.

(84%)

Segment 10: BATISTAR~.

Such thrilling cutscenes we have, such as Batista WALKING. He's getting to the arena. He's late. But it's not in the way a woman is late, so I guess it's okay. Damn, he better have his trunks on underneath his outfit, or else he's gonna have a hell of a time getting ready during the commercial break.

(86%)

Main Event: World Heavyweight Championship: Batista © vs Triple H vs Kane vs Big Show

Luckily, Batista DID have his trunks on underneath his pants, but he came out with his shirt on. He took it off before he got to the ring. And then he whipped some ass. And then Kane whipped some ass. And then Show whipped some ass. And just as it got to 3H's turn, Benoit made his big return to the arena and distracted him, making his turn void and getting back to Batista's, who pins 3H.

(71%, 85%, 67%, *3/4)

The title LOST image? Whoa.

73%

We got a 5.56 rating for 'RAW'! The attendance level was 8,016 people, for $320,640 from ticket sales.

Overness Changes:

Big Show: 85 to 84

Danny Basham: 70 to 68

Doug Basham: 67 to 66

Rhyno: 80 to 81

World Heavyweight title: 92 to 90

Sime, your turn. Have fun getting over those little green bumps.

Edited July 16, 2005 by Steve Corino

[Mr Muggy]

So I was standing there next to the van with Reece as a nice luxury rental car pulled up towards us at Palace of Auburn Hills in Detroit, Michigan. Out walked Smackdown's newest piece to the puzzle. After a trade that sent Bruce Lee Lite to RAW, Smackdown got someone I had kept my eye on, "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. Say what you want about his full nelson, but realize this.... BILLY JACK HAYNES USES IT! So if you bash Masters, you bash Billy Jack Haynes. Now do you wanna do that? Anyways, we approached Chris Masters and started talking about plans for his debut tonight.

Simon: Well Mr. Masters, we wanted you to run in during a match, but you need a reason... and frankly, I think the Masterpiece gimmick is not really working for ya. There are much bigger and more chisled guys out there. Your body doesn't really stand out kinda making the gimmick null and void. I'm saying we like you in the ring.... but we have to get rid of the "Masterpiece" gimmick.

Reece: Yeah, but were keeping that Full Nelson! That move is BOSS I tell you! BOSS!

Simon: Yeah, it's pretty old school. Me likey old school.

Masters: Well Simon, what did ya have in mind for a new gimmick?

Simon: I really don't know... me and Reece had been thinking about it for a while... we were gonna rename you Tee Fairway and give you a club named Big Bertha and have you be a golfer with an attitude, but that would have been too easy... Then we were thinking of the deadly Shark Boy, but we don't have a lawsuit on our hands now do we?

Reece: But Simon... we gotta keep his music! Have you heard that stuff? Sounds like a Final Fantasy theme! It's awesome!

All of a sudden in 5 seconds... it comes together in my head.

Simon: I'VE GOT IT!

Masters & Reece: Ya do?

Simon: Yeah! Reece, go anywhere in Motown and find me a LONG grey wig, a giant sword, some dark clothes. I think the make-up peeps have green contacts... I think it's time to reinvent Chris Masters....

And Reece ran off... this may be the beginning of the most fucked up idea I have ever had.... and I made Billy Kidman into a lounge act...

Smackdown... now 95% less herpes and 100% more ADD.

WWE Smackdown

April 21, 2005

Live from Detroit, Michigan. We would punch Ron Artest again.... twice.

We pop off that mad pyro as we are 10 days away from WWE Spring Stampede. Michael Cole and the Tazmaniac are on commentary tonight to bring you this exciting* action.

*incredibly tedious

And we start it out with a Smackdown debut...

Chavo Guerrero vs. Val Venis

Chavo gets a typical reaction... why didn't I think of Kerwin White... geez... I think I'm gonna have Rey announce he's really a black woman named Taisha Bond... or maybe not... anyways. "HELLOOOOO, LADIES" hits on the PA and it's 1998 again. Val still has male pattern baldness issues, but dammit, I'm not gonna let hair problems stop this gimmick! Besides... chicks dig chrome domes I heard. Then Val grabs the mic and after hitting his usual line to squeals from the ladies...

Val: "You know something ladies, the Big Valbowski and Big Ben Wallace... have a lot in common... of course you know... we both are experts at the Slam Dunk... we both are well known all of the world... the only difference is... while Big Ben is shaky on the outside... the Big Valbowski scores... EVERY...SINGLE...NIGHT!"

And with that last line, Chavo attacks to some boos. Not my best Valbowski, but I'll get better over time. It may take a while for newer fans to remember the old days of the Valbowski and when he wasn't depushed to hell, but I'll get them over that hump. Val hits all his spots and does his gyration punches as well. Near the end, Chavo runs at Val, but Val plants with a spinning spinebuster and goes up top. He gyrates a bit and BAM! MONEY SHOT! Remember when everyone sold that move as devestating? It looks damn legit in my eyes for a finisher. Solid move. And it gets the three count too. Val walks out and gives a towel to a plant and makes out with her.... whoops, did I say plant, I meant pla-...er...fan. There we go. Nice way to cover that up Simon. You're good. I know I am. Thank you. You know if you were gay, I'd do you in a second. Well... um... I'll take that as a compliment. Thank you me.

Overall: 75% Crowd: 69% (Yes Val...69) Match: 81% (**3/4)

Val debuted his new gimmick (Suave mother ******) and it got a positive response. Val also gained two points of overness for comparing himself to a basketball player. That gets you over in Detroit.

After commercial... we see in the ring...

"A. The great Memphisito who will take over the universe and has five asses!

B. Tony Blair in a hot dog eating contest with Kobayashi.

C. SHELTON BENJAMIN~!"

Out walks Shelton as he takes the mic. He talks about how he is gonna beat Orlando Jordan at Spring Stampede and merge the US and IC titles into one and become THE impact player on Smackdown, blah blah blah, ramble on Benji, blah blah blah I've got a manger blah blah and out walks JIM CORNETTE! Michael Cole has 3 heart attacks and Tazz starts banging his head on the commentators table for no reason. Ok... Cornette (with the RACKET~!) declares Shelton to be the finest athlete on Smackdown and with his guidance, he will show everyone that. Your looking at the future of this business in... MR... Benjamin.

Overall: 72%

Tool vs. Italian. This match will be nothing.... or WILL IT?!

Shannon Moore vs. Nunzio

I further piss Shannon Moore off by making him wear a vest that on the back says "I'm a Tool". I told him it's part of the gimmick. He spit on the floor and walked away. Pissy tool I guess... anyways, they have a match for about a minute and a solid one at that. Nunzio has Shannon Moore in an armbar on the mat... when dramatic music hits... wait, I know this music... ONE WINGED ANGEL?

The lights dim all over the arena until there is one spotlight on the entryway. At the height of the music, a man walks out... he wears black pants, a black vest looking shirt, a long black trenchcoat... he looks to have long grey hair, and he's carrying a long ass sword! And I can't forget the green contacts either. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Chris Masters to Smackdown.

Michael Cole: "That song's from Final Fantasy!"

Tazz: "Geek."

Masters walks down to the ring almost in a trance holding his sword in one hand. He shoots his left forward near the ring and green flames shoot out of the corners! He enters the ring where Shannon Moore and Nunzio are looking on like "WTF" and starts SWINGING THE SWORD! Shannon and Nunzio run off to hide in the corners... and Masters just drops the sword and kicks Nunzio right in the back of the head and out of the ring! He runs over to Shannon and locks him in the Full Nelson! He swings him around like a rag doll as commentary start getting notes from the back about Masters.

Cole: "Apparently, Masters wants to be called MASTEROTH!"

Tazz: "And the people in the back said he calls this move the Two Winged Angel! This is a devestating move by... Masteroth?!"

Masteroth drops Shannon as One Winged Angel continues to play over the PA system. The crowd has no fricking clue who Masters should be... but I do, and Reece just marked the fuck out to my left. Some smarks get it, marks are just going... WTF is this? Oh well, can't please all... he'll get pushed over time. Just wait till his first interview. Until then, bask in the glory of the newest member of Smackdown.... MASTEROTH!

Overall: 70% Crowd: 57% Match: 83% (**1/2, *********** if your a Final Fantasy fanboy.)

Masteroth debuted his new gimmick (Supernatural). It got a negative response. Oh look, a fanboy just commited suicide.

And how do you follow that up... well....

We see Snitskenreich standing there at the catering tables gorging themselves with twinkies and mixed nuts. Heh heh.... nuts.... anyways. All of a sudden, the Lords of the Ring enter the scene to the right and look at Snitskenreich.

Dinsmore: "How ya doin guys?"

Heidenreich: "Good, how bout ya'll."

Conway: "FUCKIN GREAT! We need to FUCKIN talk guys."

Snitsky: "About what?"

Dinsmore: "Well Simon and Reece just told me us 4 are in a last minute feud."

Snitsky: "Ah, cool. So how should we start it?"

Dinsmore: "I don't know... how about attacking us with a ladder or something?"

Heidi: "Well that sounds like a plan. Let's do that after I finish getting one of these Little Debbie Brownies."

Conway: "FUCKIN sorry man. I ate the last FUCKIN one earlier."

Heidi: "YOU DID WHAT?!"

Heidenreich grabs Conway up by the waist and spinebusters him through the catering table all of a sudden. Dinsmore goes to help his partner, but gets the big boot from Snitsky. Dinsmore and Conway lay lying in a sea of mixed nuts, twinkies and assorted healthy foods we never mentioned.

Overall: 61%

Nick Dinsmore lost 2 points for not having a defined gimmick out of this bunch. Who woulda though Nick would be the normal one out of these 4...

After that segment we see the same video we saw from last week of the blurred beatdown... but we have a new promo...

???: "YLKTREJSLKFASJG ATLSGKSGSGJLS'D GDSLKJTGLSKGJSDKLG SGJKLSDG QWNED QWNED QWNED GFKLSDJGKLSDGJSD GJLKSDGJDSUBLIMINALMESSAGEARWFJLGJ GSDGJSDKGSJL YOU'RE GOING DOWN FJKLASDFJASL FALKRJA WF AFJKJJDDK I AM NOT MUHAMMAD HASSAN ADKFJALRTJ DSGSKLG IN DA BUTT!"

He made lots of points... if I could understand them.

Overall: 50%

I have nothing going with this feud... and I don't feel like putting Eddie Guerrero in a frog costume and telling him to hop across the road......yet.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Bubba Ray Dudley

These guys go through the motions and surprisingly make the match pretty good and the match of the night. Bubba has great in-ring charisma. No question about that. D'Von runs out to cost Eddie the match, but Rey runs out with a chair to put a halt to that. Eddie hits the Three Amigos and frog splashes Bubba for the three. Spike walks in and starts talking trash to Eddie... so Eddie just kicks him the nuts and tosses him out. Rey and Eddie celebrate by putting on sombreros and eating nachos. VIVA LOS STEREOTYPES KERWIN WHITE!

Overall: 82% Crowd: 83% Match: 80% (***)

We go backstage see Val just coming out of the shower wearing a towel... so basically he's wearing his ring entrance attire... ok.

He walks around checking out the hot chicas all over the backstage area and he bumps into someone... and that someone happens to be Randy Orton.

Randy: "Well, well, well, if it isn't a washed up deadbeat stuck in 1998. Why isn't it Val Venis! Val... let me tell you something right now... your standing on MY show now. Smackdown is MY territory. In due time, I will be the WWE champion, and everyone will be answering to me. Just thought I'd tell you that. Good luck beating all those cruiserweights and little people in your opening matches. ha ha...

Val: "Well ain't you a cocky bitch."

Well that stopped Randy's laughing and got his attention.

Val: "What I see is a young kid who got lucky early in his career... and is relying on that to try and intimidate others. News flash Randy... it don't work on the Big Valbowski. No sir it doesn't. I've been in this fed for 7 years, and you don't intimidate me one bit Randy. I've taken you to the limit before on RAW and on Heat... and I can take you to the limit here on Smackdown."

Randy: "Yeah... well how about I push it to the limit?"

And Randy just SLAPS the shit out of Val. Val turns around and smiles and whips his right around... and NAILS Randy right in the back of the head with a hard slap. Randy tries to gain his balance... but he can't! He falls to a knee holding the back of his head in a big way. Val walks off with his trademark laugh as we see Randy's eyes glaze just a bit for a moment.... oh dear, he's still feeling the effects of the past concussions it looks like.

Overall: 84%!

Val Venis gained 3 points of overness for doing something we all want to do... slap the shit out of Randy Orton.

Watch me book Tyson Tomko in the main event... I dare you.

We go backstage to see Marissa Mazolla standing by with United States champion Orlando Jordan and his MAGNIFICENT HEAD OF HAIR, JBL, and Tyson Tomko, in a suit just like JBL and OJ.

Marissa: "JBL... in two weeks, you face John Cena for the WWE title in a steel cage match... but that doesn't seem to be the news right now. The news seems to be about... this man right here."

JBL: "Now Marissa, I know you haven't been here on Smackdown long... so from now on you can refer to me as a WRESTLING..................GOD! Now... yes, if you ain't blind like Stevie Wonder, you can see to my left stands the impressive Problem Solver, Tyson Tomko. Now, he was traded over from the Triple H show for a guy that is now known as Demolition Bam... seriously, why the hell did RAW think Tomko was not worth the investment? The man can knock anyone out with one kick to the jaw, BAM! Lights out... now here on Smackdown... he's going to get respect... and with me and Orlando Jordan beside him... he will get his respect.

"And the respect starts tonight. You see Marissa, Tyson is a Problem Solver... that means, he can take care of problems quite easily... and I have a problem... and his name is John Cena. Ol' 45 Cents doesn't understand that this is MY show. This is JBL's show! He can't run all over MY show with his rap and bling bling and all this lame crap he shows off for those damn Democrats in the crowd! Let me tell you something Marissa... tonight, Tyson will solve one of my problems. Tonight, he will take out Cena before he can even make it to Spring Stampede. I can promise you that."

JBL walks away as does Orlando. Tyson just stares at Marissa.... and BOOTS HER IN THE FACE! He looks down at her and takes his glasses off for a moment.

Tyson: "DAS..... BOOT!"

And Tyson puts on his glasses again and walks away...

Overall: 75%

TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES, SPECIAL SAUCE, LETTUCE, CHEESE, PICKLES, ONIONS, ON A- *slap*

Kenzo: "That not Whooper! You jackass!"

Kenzo Suzuki vs. Mark Jindrak

Kenzo comes out with his Burger Knights carrying him as he eats a DOUBLE Whopper. Yep, he needs all the energy he can get to beat the guy who can jump REALLY HIGH! Jindrak gets a massive amount of pyro that probably shot our bill up $2,000 more. Before the match, Kenzo pulls a burger off his carried throne and holds it out to Mark Jindrak with the big goofy smile the Burger King has on the commercials. Jindrak grabs it... and tosses it down! Jindrak doesn't eat unhealthy foods! It makes him jump much less higher! Kenzo attacks with his martial arts (re: he uses an open hand instead of closing it to hit Jindrak). He takes time to bite into his DOUBLE Whopper to get the energy to fight Jindrak. He finally takes one too many bites and turns around... RIGHT INTO THE BIG FRIGGIN DROPKICK! Beef, lettuce and ketchup go flying everywhere and Jindrak gets the 3 count for the victory. Jindrak wins once again... undefeated on the Smackdown brand since bringing in DA JUMP CHALLENGE~!

Overall: 70% Crowd: 66% Match: 74% (*3/4)

We now go to a video of the outside of a small center where we see a poster... with the Ultimate Warrior's face on it?

It says in big writing "WAY OF THE WARRIOR: Learn the mystics ways of the Ultimate Warrior and his teachings. Special speaker: WWE Cruiserweight champion, The Paultimate Warrior. The camera view changes to the inside where we see Paultimate himself talking to a group of (totally insane) people.

Paultimate: "And remember my fellow Warriorites... there is a way to the Paradise we call the Planet Warrior... if you trust in the Warrior... believe in him... and buy his comic books, rape Santa Claus, listen to his theme song every day for an hour while praying to your altar of him 3 times a day, work out to his bodybuilding videos... and wear tassles... you too can go to a happy place. You can go... to the Planet Warrior. You can go to a world run by the mystical Ultimate Warrior... and he will show you and the rest of us that QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! Little Warriors, LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE BOXES!"

The crowd stands up cheering and giving him an applause. This is a brainwashing to the nth degree. The camera view changes to later on as people leave. London is at the door passing out pamphlets. He takes time though to talk to the camera.

Paultimate: "This is the life... the way of the Warrior... it's not a way of thinking... it's a way of life, and I live it every day and spread the word of it. And with the power of cable and satillite television, the message continues to be passed on. But now, in 10 days, my message will be relayed to the world via... Pay-per-view. Who am I facing? Well, archminister of the Planet Smackdown, Theodore R. Long says he make this ominous question become and ominous answer on Velocity in 2 days. Until then, pray to your Warrior alters, that I, Paultimate Warrior, the minister of Warriorism and the Ways of the Warrior, will get some competition... and maybe a convert to the right way... the Warrior way. I thank you for being here tonight my little Warriors. Good luck and remember... IN WARRIOR WE TRUST!"

..... I have nothing to say after typing all that.

Overall: 69% (Geez, Val Venis must be doing the ratings tonight)

Smackdown's main event has Tyson Tomko in it. Take a drink.

Non-title Match

Tyson Tomko vs. John Cena

Okay, to put it frankly... this isn't Cena's best match. This is probably Tyson's best, but that isn't saying a lot. But still... he looks badass in a suit, so I push him. Simple logic folks. This goes on for a little while with slams, chinlocks, bearhugs, and (________________ Fill in the blank with a resthold. Tyson probabaly used it). This keeps going till Cena Five Knuckle Shuffles Tyson and pumps up. Out runs Orlando with his US title. He hops on the apron as Shelton appears and grabs Orlando's leg. Tyson goes to whip Cena into Orlando, but Cena reverse and FATE takes over. Tyson bounces off Orlando as Cena lifts up Tyson.... WHAM FIREMAN'S CARRY. Cena gets the 3, and JBL appears on the entryway to stare a hole through the Doctor of Thuganomics as we close out the show. Tyson lies on the ground going "DAS.... BAD." Carlito wants to know if I'm killing his gimmick by Tyson saying "das", but I told him don't worry, it's cool. He then declared me to be on the cool list. I'm so giving him a push now.

Overall: 72% Crowd: 74% Match: 68%

Final Overall: 69%?! Val really was doing the ratings I guess... well, he had a hell of a show anyways... 5 points of overness gained in one night... impressive night for the Big Valbowski.

We got a 5.85 rating for 'Smackdown!'!

The attendance level was 8027 people.

We made $321080 from ticket sales.

Later, Reece told me Tyson and Cena didn't 'click'. No shit Sherlock. For two guys who can brawl, you'd think they would, but alas.... Problem Solvers and rappers with a devestating fireman's carry don't mix I guess. Let that be a lesson to 50 Cent for the future.

[Mr Muggy]

So I was sitting here trying to figure it out.... even I couldn't think up New Demolition. Geez... Our Personal Beejus has pulled one up one me.

Simon: Reece, seriously... how could we NOT put that together?

Reece: Don't worry about it man? Take a look at the ratings! Ratings spiked when you showed Masteroth! They were at their lowest during the main event, but hey, that's Tomko for ya...

Simon: DON'T DISS THE GOAT!

Reece was taken aback by that.

Reece: Ok fine... geez... so anyway, I got RVD wrestling again for us tonight...

Simon: Seriously Reece, that leg looks like it's about to fall off. Are you sure you want him to keep wrestling?

Reece: Oh yeah... you should see what I have lined up for him to wrestle at the Spring Stampede dude!

Simon: Oh yeah? Who's that Reece?

Reece: Turn on your TV tonight... Milk Dud will tell ya in the first segment.

Sure, I didn't even know what I was booking... but did Russo? And how did Russo do? He had that great run of 99. If anything Russo is one of the reasons I have a job today. We should build a golden idol to Russo to celebrate his name. Then I should hire Charlton Heston to throw the Ten Commandments at it. I'm genius. Man that was a whole lotta rambling of nothing... guess I don't have much to say about tonight... but here we go kiddos!

MATT HARDY MATT HARDY MATT HARDY MATT HARDY MATT HARDY.... and that's the greatest intro ever to a show of mine.

WWE Velocity

April 23, 2005

One week away from Spring Stampede on Pay-Per-View... the big question... WILL ANYONE BUY IT?!"

We hit the SIDEWAYS PYRO~! and join Michael Cole and Al Snow for a tea in the garden and some wonderful commentary.

We start right out with Senor Milk Dud (in English, that means Teddy Long) in the back office as usual with the hordes of Milk Dud product placements. The yellow stands out really big time as usual.

Teddy: "Hello playas! Welcome to another exciting episode of Velocity, tonight sponsored by Milk Duds! Go pick a box or 27 from your local conveince store, and tell Apu I said 'hi' while you're there homie. Now while your enjoying those Milk Duds as you wash them down with.... well.... MILK... or beer. Whatever you prefer, we hope you enjoy this edition of Velocity with several big matches taking place tonight. But first... the Original Playa has some more announcements for the WWF Spring Stampede that will take place one week from now on a Saturday. Sure, it's on a Saturday, but I'm still sure people will watch. I mean, what is there to do on a Saturday? Seriously! Anyways, I have a need to announce two brand new matches for the Stampede. Our first match comes to us from the WWE Board. And by the Board, I mean Reece, the guy who sits in the van. He has announced a blockbuster match for the big show. At Stampede, we will see Mr. Thursday Night, Rob Van Dam go one on one with the best pure athelete on Smackdown today.... KURT ANGLE!"

Reece smiles right next to me. Damn, he really wants RVD hurt bad. I hope he didn't tell Kurt to stiff the shit out of him.... oh snap...

Teddy: "The other match I would like to announce tonight is the one the Paultimate Warrior, the WWE Cruiserweight champion mentioned in his video to us 3 days ago on Smacdkwon. He said I was going to bring him competition, and by God, that is what I will do. At Spring Stampede, the Paultimate Warrior will defend his title in a One-Fall, Fatal-Fourway match. That means of course, the first man to make the pinfall will be the Cruiserweight champion. Warrior doesn't even have to be involved in the decision for him to lose his title! That's the way it is playa! Now Warrior, your opponents for the match.... they are Chavo Guerrero.... "The Diceman" Billy Kidman... and Mark Jindrak!"

Snow: "Wait a minute... Jindrak isn't a cruiserweight by a long shot!"

Teddy: "Now I know what your thinking... Jindrak is 270 pounds and is nowhere near being a cruiserweight size wrestler.... but after eating a few Milk Duds and cotemplating it... I came to this conclusion.... THE MAN CAN JUMP REALLY HIGH! That's good enough for me to be in the cruiserweight action, and I declare him eligible for the Cruiserweight title at the Stampede! Good luck to all the participants in the matches! HOLLA HOLLA AND BUY A MILK DUD PLAYAS!

Overall: 65%

Your mom is a crack whore. Oh yeah, your dad too... unless your dad was in the mafia... or... something. HEY~! OH~!

"The Diceman" Billy Kidman vs. Nunzio

Billy Kidman randomly insults people around the ringside. You know, mothers, fathers, old people, little kids, the whole works. Billy doesn't discriminate. Nunzio takes it to him with his usual mat game that has won him many.... um... some.... ok, no fans outside the internet. Good luck getting a win Nunzio. We don't give Billy's win clean though... we have him low blow Nunzio covertly while in a waistlock. He then BK Bombs him and hits the "You're All Jackoffs" (Shooting Star Press) for the three count. He goes out to tell Tony Chimel afterwards to grow a set of balls and tell his mother to shave her mustache next time she wants to make love with him in the back behind the arena. HEY~! OH~! WAKKA WAKKA~! BAM~! What a classy guy.

Overall: 73% Crowd: 64% Match: 82% (**1/2)

As cool as the other side of the pillow... *apple gets spit in Stuart Scott's face* Damn, das not cool at all...

And we come back a commercial break filled with Milk Dud adverts to present to you CARLITO'S CABANA! Carlito and Carlito's hair enter the ring as he announces he has a guest tonight, but FIRST.... we must continue the list of things that are not cool. Here are ten more...

-Male Pattern Baldness.

-Rubber snakes

-Abercrombie Fitzwidget

-Uncle Max in Calvin & Hobbes

-Potted Plants

-That blond bitch you play as in Metal Gear Solid 2.

-Boogeymen

-A show without Kerwin

-Spinny whirly firework bombs that never work

-Fish Flavored Ice Cream

Now that we got the goods out of the way, let's bring out the bad... and here comes Booker T. Booker T slugs through an interview. I need to bring Sharmell in so she can be all OH NO YOU DIDN'T and Carlito is like *SPIT* Yeah I did bitch. Anyways, Carlito declares Booker T to be done and buried after losing two seperate matches to Snitskenreich. Snitskenreich ain't that cool Book! What the hell happened! Booker sleepwalk talks through the interview until Carlito declares Booker to be the most uncool person in the entire arena... and there are plenty of uncool peopl in this crowd right now. Booker starts taking offense and the next thing you know, we have a FIGHT! They hit each other with coconuts, lawn chairs, and baskets and knock over the palm tree set. Referees come down to finally break this up. Yes, I just started a mini-feud by having Carlito declare Booker T not to be cool. And you say coffee and shampoo are bad ideas for feud starters.... Nonetheless, Carlito held up his end to make this segment worth watching.

Overall: 86%

Carlito gains 1 point of overness for dissing that blond little bastard with no genitals when we could have been playing as Snake.

Wonderful Head of Hair vs. A Cripple. Guess who's winning kiddos?

Non-title

Orlando Jordan vs. Rob Van Dam

RVD continues to fight with one leg, and actually does good for himself. He is able to hit and enziguri... and he lands on his bad knee of course. RVD hurt himself. His fault. Enough said. Orlando gets to work him over till he misses a charge in the buckle and RVD pastes him with a HUGE forearm. He looks to aim for a kick, and out walks Kurt Angle holding a giant skeleton model. He then grabs the ankle of it... and rips it right off the model! RVD's eyes bulge out as Orlando sneaks up behind him. Turn, BAM. Black Ice, and there is the 3 count. Orlando and HIS HAIR~! win again as Kurt Angle smiles and walks off. At least RVD didn't tear anything this time. Orlando carries the match obviously...

Overall: 78% Crowd: 76% Match: 80% (**3/4)

Why did God put us on Earth? For us to witness this momentous occassion that takes place next.

HUGE pyro goes off meaning only one person.... MARK JINDRAK AND THE JUMP CHALLENGE~! Mark Jindrak comes out to an ovation that rivals a young Hulk Hogan back in the day. He grabs the mic, and let's get this show ROLLING...

Jindrak: "My friends, family, loved ones, fuckbuddies, and german gynacologists.... I welcome you once again to another edition of the MARK JINDRAK JUMP CHALLENGE~!"

And the crowd erupts. My has this gotten over fast.

Jindrak: "Now the jumping competition here in the WWE hasn't been exactly up to par as I had hoped... but I think tonights contestant will certainly be up to it. After all, he is Mexican, and there is a reason they are called mexican jumping beans people.... this man can fly around... hell, he jumps right out of his intro! Maybe even higher than me! Ladies and gentlemen, members of the media, your holiness *Pope bows in the front row*, I present to you the contestant for the Jump Challenge tonight.... REY MYSTERIO!

Mysterio, 1/2 of the tag team champions makes his jumping entrance and enters the ring and shakes Jindrak's hand.

Jindrak: "5'6 175 pounds of a hopping, jumping, crazy luchardore. It's Rey Mysterio, a tag team champion with Eddie Guerrero, who knows a thing or two about hopping himself.... welcome to the Jump Challenge my friend. Now... let's face the facts right now... you know how high I can jump... watch..."

Jindrak drops the mic for a moment and touches the bar way above him with great ease once again. Hero's ovation. He's God, did you know that?

Jindrak: "Now Mr. Mysterious One.... it's your turn. You may have a height disadvantage... but remember... YOU'RE A LUCHADORE! YOU CAN DO IT REY! TOUCH THAT DAMN BAR! TOUCH IT!"

The crowd is fired up! They wanna see Rey leap high up and touch, HE TAKES OFF.... AND BUBBA RAY ATTACKS FROM BEHIND! D'Von and Spike join in on the beatdown as Eddie follows and tries to ward off the fight... but it's 3 on 2... and Jindrak looks on with seething rage! He walks up to Spike... and pulls him off the beatdown and WALLOPS him with a left hook! Spike is down, Eddie is hurt, Rey is getting up, D'Von is holding his gut, Jindrak is God, it's a massive fight, a ref runs down, Reece wacks off, the Pope just spilled his beer, WE HAVE A MATCH!

Overall: 74%

Quick ass booking is a copywright of Vince Russo. I follow the ways of the Russo... I'm writing this on a cocktail napkin three hours before the show.

The Dudley Boyz vs. Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Mark Jindrak

And this is a clusterfuck ladies and gentlemen... but at least it's a competent one. Not a TNA or indy level one. Rey plays the face in peril since he does it so well. Bubba misses the senton like always (it's a Ric Flair top rope gag these days). Rey tags in Eddie who goes through the motions and hits the Three Amigos on D'Von. It BREAKS DOWN IN TULSA, and all that is left in the ring is Spike's Goatee and the being it is controlling named Spike Dudley vs. Mark Jindrak. Let's see... Tall impressive looking jumper vs. FUCKING SPIKE DUDLEY. Gee..... Jindrak them impresses the world by leaping OVER Spike when running at him to confuse him. Spike looks around like WTF? and gets the BIG FRIGGIN DROPKICK to the back of the head! That knocks him out and Jindrak gets the 3 count baby! Jindrak makes the belt motions... he wants the cruiserweight title the Paultimate Warrior possesses. Eddie and Rey hand a sombrero to Jindrak and they start jumping around like jumping beans to the "Spanish Flea" song. Now that is how you close out Velocity kids.

Overall: 75% Crowd: 74% Match: 77% (**1/4)

Overall: 72%

We got a 4.36 rating for 'Velocity'!

The attendance level was 8011 people.

We made $320440 from ticket sales.

Val Venis tells me this needed more 69%. Oh well... Jindrak wanted a push to the midcard... hell, he's earned it. Welcome to the midcard Jumpin Jindrak. RVD asked for a push too.... fuck him....

Personal.... Beejus... someone to hear your prayers.... YOUR TURN!

[Steve Corino]

WWE Sunday Night Heat

Date: Sunday, April 24th, 2005

Commentators: Joey Styles and Stan Lane

The usual Heat opening plays, and we go right into looking at Joey Styles and Stan Lane.

Styles: "Hello everyone and welcome to Sunday Night Heat! I'm Joey Styles and with me as always is Stan Lane."

Lane: "That's Mister Sweet to you, Joey, and our first match of the night is going to be VERY sweet."

Styles: "You really like getting to see Trish and Christy here, don't you?"

Lane: "Yes. Yes I do."

Styles: "Well the main event won't be that sweet, at least not for the competitors involved, as the Big Red Monster Kane takes on the Man-Best Rhyno."

Lane: "Did I hear you right Joey? They're letting those two go at one another?"

Styles: "Indeed they are. Also, the superteam of The Hurricane and Rosey will take on the Basham Brothers, who have been having quite the slump lately."

Lane: "Sometimes a team just gets into a down time. Not that it ever happened to me and Bobby, but it happens."

Styles: "We also have some highlights from Raw, but first, we have Trish Stratus defending her Women's Championship against Diva Search 2005 Winner Christy Hemme."

Segment 1: WWE Women's Championship Match: Trish Stratus © vs Christy Hemme

Say it with me: BOR-ING! BOR-ING! BOR-ING! Jeez, if I ever think about booking like this again, hit me. Hard. Anyways, the two trade resthold after resthold until Trish decides that she's done screwing around and gives Christy the Stratusfaction for the fall.

(64%, 78%, 33%, -*)

Segment 2: Hype Videos So TOTALLY Rule!

We get to watch a video now documenting the Highli--I mean, "Living With the Edge" segment from Raw, which saw Christian run in and attack Shawn Michaels.

(88%)

Styles: "I'm sure Shawn Michaels will have plenty to say about that attack tomorrow night on Raw, when he faces off with Mister Money-in-the-Bank, Edge, in one-on-one action!"

Lane: "I'd rather have a little one-on-one action with Trish."

Styles: "Trish? Why not Christy?"

Lane: "Weren't you watching? We just saw that Trish doesn't go down."

Joey sighs, as we head backstage.

Segment 3: Down on their Luck

The Basham Brothers are sitting in the locker room talking.

Doug: "Dammit! I can't believe this. I couldn't even manage to defeat Marty Jannetty last week on Heat, then we couldn't beat those two scrawny pieces of trash? What the hell is wrong with us?"

Danny: "I don't know, but I don't like it."

Doug: "We need something. Anything. We were important over on SmackDown! What happened?"

Danny: "I dunno....maybe we just, lost our touch."

A voice then calls from across the room at them.

"Maybe you just need to relieve some stress."

The Bashams jump up to their feet, and walking into the shot is Dawn Marie!

Dawn: "Boys, boys, boys. You act like you're nothing when really, you can be the apple of anyone's eyes. I think I can make something out of you two."

Danny: "Yeah? Well whaddya got lady?"

Dawn: "I have something that will help you when you're in the ring."

Doug: "Yeah? What's that? Hey, weren't you married?"

Dawn: "Yeah, but he died, so who cares about the past? I'm looking forward to your futures! I have everything you boys need to become men, men who are greater than the two whiny kids I see in front of me."

Danny: "Hey lady, we can easily go and get help if we need it! There are a lot of managers around! What about that....uh....Deevareye. Yeah, that guy!"

Dawn: "Daivari may have some knowledge to give you, but I have even better than knowledge to give. And I promise you, this is a one-time offer that is only for you two."

Doug: "Alright Dawn, you have our attention. So, what is this that you have?"

The camera now goes behind Dawn's back, as she reaches down into her shirt. The Bashams stare, open-mouthed, at whatever it is that they see....and then we go to commercial.

(75%)

The gimmick changes were positively received. What were they? Keep reading....

Segment 4: Interrupted Videos So TOTALLY Don't Rule!

We go to a video that shows what happened at Backlash and on Raw between Chris Benoit and Triple H. But the tape skips, and while we still have the footage on, we hear Steven Richards's voice over it!

"These two's video is taking my place on my show? Never! So I'm going to tell you all what I'm going to do. Tomorrow night, I'm going to challenge anyone who's been getting the shaft as far as television time, to come on down and face the Stevie Kick Challenge. I don't blame people for being afraid, because the Stevie Kick DID send Chris Masters packing, and look what it did to his brain! He's a flipped-out freak! Come on Eric, don't keep me off TV! I have bills to pay! Okay, maybe I don't! But you can't keep the Stevie Kick down! I'll show you all! You'll all see!"

(80%)

Segment 5: The Hurricane and Rosey vs The Basham Brothers w/Dawn Marie

Hurricane and Rosey come out to a cheer like usual. But when the Bashams come out....they're staggering all over the place, but are generally having a good time. They're laughing at everything and everyone, and Danny even grabs a fan(plant)'s food while Doug is in the ring and puts it down in a hurry! Everything that Hurricane does, the Bashams just laugh at him, because they're REALLY not feeling any pain now! Finally Doug and Danny start laughing at one another, and they make a plan. They laugh about it again. Doug gets in front of Rosey and pokes him in the eyes, and then hits him with Dawn Marie's purse, sending him staggering back over Danny, who was on his hands and knees on the mat. Danny rolls over Rosey's legs and gets the pin! The Bashams laugh at Hurricane and Rosey as they go up the ramp, and Dawn raises their arms.

(73%, 68%, 79%, **1/2)

Styles: "I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen, and that includes Mabel Doink!"

Lane: "I guess Dawn DID give them something to help!"

Styles: "Isn't that illegal?"

Lane: "That depends on if they decide to do a drug testing before matches."

Styles: "Are these three serious? Come on!"

Lane: "Well Joey, it's time for something deathly serious: the main event."

Styles: "That's right. Stay tuned after this commercial break, for Kane versus Rhyno!"

But before we can break, Rhyno comes out, and he has a bag with him. He gets on a microphone.

"They want to call this a match? THIS IS NO F(bleep)NG MATCH! If you want a (bleep)ng match, then we'll put THIS on the line!"

Rhyno reaches into his bag, and he pulls out.....

Styles: "WHAT?! That's the ECW Television title!"

Lane: "That's what was in the bag? Psst...Joey....Are we even allowed to air that?"

Styles: "I don't know!"

Kane's music then plays, and he comes out, nodding his head yes!

Styles: "Yes?! Yes?! It looks like we have an ECW TV title match here!"

Lane: "And that means.....an ECW match right here on Heat!"

Styles: "OH MY GAWD!"

Now we go to commercial break.

Main Event: ECW Television Championship: Rhyno © vs Kane - Hardcore Match

I had kinda expected this match to be better given the nature of the two in it, but it wasn't bad by any means. Especially considering an unofficial title was on the line. Kane finally gets back into his hardcore roots, but really, what the hell is hardcore when compared to EXTREME? Kane's chairshot is ducked and he's met with a violent GORE GORE GORE through the table in the corner for the somewhat easy three count. And again, Rhyno gets a table set up on the outside of the ring and piledrives his defeated foe through it!

(76%, 77%, 74%, **1/4)

Lane: "Who will stop this Man-Best?"

Styles: "No, the question is can ANYONE stop the vile Man-Best from his path of destruction?!"

We get a good shot of Rhyno posing on the ropes above where he took Kane out, with his ECW title hanging from his arm as he leans over the top rope and looks straight ahead, before we fade out on Heat.

Overall rating: 76%

We got a 4.18 rating for Sunday Night Heat. The attendance level was 8,012 people, to gain $320,480 from ticket sales.

Overness Changes:

Stevie Richards: 66 to 67

Rhyno: 81 to 83

Danny Basham: 68 to 69

Doug Basham: 66 to 67

Christy Hemme: 60 to 61

Trish Stratus: 85 to 84

WWE Women's title: 66 to 68

ECW Television: 77 to 79

--------------------------------------------------------

We are now all caught up on repostings. The Raw that follows will be all new stuff.

Edited July 16, 2005 by Steve Corino

[Steve Corino]

WWE RAW

Date: Monday, April 26, 2005

Commentators: Jim Ross and Terry Funk

JR: "Welcome everyone to WWE RAW! I'm Jim Ross, as always accompanied by Terry Funk."

Funker: "Tonight should be a damn good show, Jim."

JR: "Indeed it should be; we have a HUGE tag team match tonight, with Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit taking on their rivals Triple H and Christian!"

Funker: "That match will blow the roof off this place for sure."

JR: "We also have a World Tag Team Championship defense, as William Regal makes his first appearance in weeks!"

Funker: "Edge has also invited Batista to be his guest on Living With the Edge this week."

JR: "Mister Money-in-the-Bank may get that briefcase shoved down his throat if he doesn't watch his mouth in the presence of the World Heavyweight Champion!"

Funker: "And Steven Richards layed out a challenge for any underutilized WWE superstar to have a match against him."

JR: "I don't know who would take him up on that offer, but right now, it is time for some comments from Triple H and Ric Flair."

Segment 1: Your Standard RAW Opening

"Time to play the Game....TIME TA PLAY THE GAME! Hu-Hu-Hu-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!"

JR: "I'm sure Triple H has only one thing on his mind right now, and that is Chris Benoit."

Funker: "Usually if someone cost me the World Heavyweight Championship twice, I'd have that person on my mind as well."

The two come down to the ring, and Triple H gets the microphone first.

3H: "Chris.....Ben.....waah."

Funker: "Ha, I told you! Pay up, JR!"

JR: "I left my wallet backstage."

"Benoit, you have stuck your nose in my business for far too long now. I know what you're trying to do; you want to make a name off the Game. Well Benoit, you've gotten my attention. But your name will mean NOTHING after I get done with you. You've held major titles, but I've held them more. You've put in twenty years of hard work, well I've done more in my thirteen years in this business than you could dream of. And all along the way, I have done it with this man...."

Triple H points to Ric Flair.

"....right at my side. Not behind me, but at my side. What you've been doing lately is disrespecting a legend, THIS legend. Sure, you made your name off of the Four Horsemen. But that period is OVER. DONE. PAST. This is where Ric Flair's heart lies now. Ric Flair is at the top, managing me because he knows that when I'm at the top, he is also at the top. And Benoit, you can live with it....or you can die by it."

3H gives Flair the microphone now.

"Benwaa....WOOOO! YOU DO NOT! Underestimate! The Game! YOU DO NOT! Put your hands! On the Game! And if you interfere in another of his matches, WOOO, you will be laid to rest; Woooo...."

And on that note, the two leave the ring.

(89%)

Funker: "It looks as though Benoit can't take Ric Flair's loyalties away quite as easily as it looked. But maybe that was Benoit's plan, JR. How better to get under the skin of Triple H than through his manager?"

JR: "You make a very good point, Terry. Right now we have a commercial break, and then Living With the Edge, with special guest Batista!"

--Commercial Break--

Segment 2: Livin' With the Animal

We come back from break to see a now updated look to Edge's show; now, it has the same ring covering as the Highlight Reel did, but where Jericho's head was, there's Edge's smiling face over it. Somewhere, there's a blind production guy who had to put that on there, due to the whiteness of those teeth. "Metalingus" begins to play, and Edge walks out from the back carrying his Money in the Bank briefcase with him as always. He slides into the ring, and the show begins.

"Good evening peons, it is time for some good Living With the Edge! Which is great, because none of you fans out there probably have any idea what good living is. I saw this guy out there in a box earlier today! So I went past in my limo, and he started asking for change....so I hit him with my briefcase, told him to get a job, and left him lying there!"

Edge is getting some heat, very cheap but heat nonetheless. I may not know sports teams, but I'm trying here dammit!

"But there are more important things in store for everyone tonight. It is my pleasure to introduce the man who defeated Triple H at WrestleMania, Backlash, and last week on Raw, the World Heavyweight Champion until I decide to use my Money in the Bank contract, BATISTA!"

Batista's theme kicks on, and the crowd comes to their feet for the Champion. He walks down and gets into the ring, and he grabs a microphone from the timekeeper.

Batista: "Let's make one thing clear, Edge; I don't care what you have to say. I don't sweat you, the same as I didn't sweat Triple H. And look at where he is now; he cannot receive a World Heavyweight Championship match as long as I am holding this title. And when you do decide to use that contract, I can guarantee you that you will never receive another shot....because you'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life!"

Edge: "Big words coming from a gorilla. But wait, now let's see you put your money where your mouth is, big man. I don't want to use my contract just yet, so why don't we have a non-title match, TONIGHT?!"

The crowd cheers in anticipation, as Batista grabs Edge's hand and pulls it to his mouth to use his microphone.

Batista: "You got it."

ROAR OF APPROVAL from the crowd on that one.

Batista: "See you later, Edge. By the way, your show sucks."

Edge looks like he wants to attack the champ, but Batista shoots him a cold stare that keeps him at bay.

(80%)

JR: "I can't believe it! What a main event! I think Edge just stuck BOTH feet in his mouth on that!"

Funker: "I don't know JR, Edge always has a plan. Do you think he would go into a match against the Animal without a backup?"

JR: "That's true, Batista should watch out for Christian."

Segment 3: Charlie Haas vs Simon Dean

Wow. I mean, WOW. Match of the night honors go here, definately. No real surprise though, since Nova invented the four star match. Haas is in control for the start of the match despite some stalling from Simon, then Dean takes over just in time to start the heel heat segment of the match. But Haas doesn't stay down like he should, instead always trying to pop up, but usually he gets hit with something to put him right back down. Haas is finally looking toward the win, when the ref gets bumped. Dean tries to use the Simon System bag on him, but Haas moves out of the way and takes Simon down. He locks in the Haas of Pain, but from the crowd comes Muhammed Hassan! He delivers a baseball slide dropkick to Charlie, and goes to the top rope. When Haas starts to get up, Muhammed yells out "HAAASSSSAAAAAAAAN! CHOP~!" before diving off and hitting Haas with a uber-sized tomahawk chop. After a vicious blow to the head like that, Simon is easily able to roll over and get the cover. Haas blades to put over the deadly HASSAN CHOP~!, while Dean is very pleased with his victory.

(84%, 70%, 98%, ****1/4)

JR: "What was Hassan's reason for being out there? I can't believe this!"

Funker: "Apparently Hassan is still upset that he was used by Haas to elicit his big debut to the Raw brand."

JR: "Well whatever Muhammed's problem is, Haas just got cheated out of a victory."

Funker: "Don't go away now though fans, because coming up we'll have the World Tag Team title match."

JR: "That match is coming up, NEXT!"

--Commercial Break--

Segment 4: World Tag Team Championship Match - William Regal and Tajiri © vs Tough Resistance

Hey, it could have been a worse match. After the quick heel cleanup by the faces, Tajiri plays Ricky Morton following Maven ducking a kick and hitting him with a German Suplex. See, it was more devestating than the usual German Suplex, because Tajiri had Maven's eyebrows scratching against his back. Maven and Grenier use quick tags in and out, and Funker puts over their teamwork, considering that they've not teamed often before. This is their first match teaming with one another that they've had a name, even. That's impressive, I think. But don't worry, because as soon as there's an opening, Tajiri kicks them both to hell and back before tagging in Regal, who dumps Maven over the top rope and takes Grenier down, locking in the Regal Stretch to get the submission win. Yay for champions retaining their titles.

(73%, 69%, 78%, **1/4)

Segment 5: What are they on?

BAAAAAAAACKStage now, where Demolition: The New Generation are in their locker room, likely discussing face painting tips, when a female voice can be heard shrieking "THERE THEY ARE!" Suddenly the Basham Brothers attack! They hit hard and fast, with chairs smacking down onto D:TNG. The Bashams stop and laugh at the slowly rising Demolition, almost falling over themselves, but before Bam and H'WAAH can get up to exact their revenge, Dawn pulls Doug and Danny out of there.

(65%)

JR: "What was that all about?"

Funker: "Why are you always asking me, JR? Maybe they just wanted their faces seen on camera!"

JR: "Well you don't need to get pushy about it!"

Funker: "There are only so many things I know, and one of them is that we're all set to see Triple H and Christian against Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit."

JR: "This will indeed be a slobberknocker."

Funker: "I oughtta slap you, you yankeefied son of a...."

Time to play the Game....

Segment 6: Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit vs Triple H and Christian

Yeah, Triple H had to cut Terry off there with a loud shot of music. The match wasn't too bad, not as good as when it was HBK and Benoit against Edge and Christian but it still served all intents and purposes. Michaels got to play face-in-peril for this match, with 3H and Christian using every cheap heel tactic in the book to keep the advantage over him. Benoit finally gets the tag, and he has Crossface on Christian when Ric Flair decides it's time to jump on the ring apron. Benoit lets go and walks over to Flair, but when he turns around, Triple H hits the Pedigree on him and gets the win. Triple H hits another Pedigree on Benoit while Christian gives Shawn a one-armed Unprettier after the match.

(82%, 84%, 80%, ***)

Funker: "Did you see what I just saw, JR?"

JR: "Ric Flair cheating Benoit and Michaels out of the win?"

Funker: "No. Look at Christian! Christian was in the crossface for awhile, and he looks REALLY hurt!"

JR: "That's right! That means....Edge can't depend on Christian to help him defeat Batista! Chris Benoit may have just inadvertently aided Batista in ridding himself of the threat that is Edge!"

Segment 7: Towel-wearing Homies Get Highlighted

HEY-YAAAAHLEHYEHYEHYEHYABBADABBADOOABUDABIABUDABICHOPYAY....

Oh yeah, this has to be Hassan. On an unrelated but still on topic note, I have finally heard Hassan's theme now. So expect someting like that to be seen every time I introduce Hassan here.

"Ah, another host of fat, rich Americans out here to pick on the person with the different race. To Allah with all of you; I am out here to tell you what I believe about Charles Haas. Haas is a very talented athlete in the sport of wrestling. However! What he did to Daivari at Backlash was unacceptable! That is why I have decided to...."

But suddenly the lights go completely out, and on the Titantron.....

Y6J

Y5J

Y4J

Y3J

Y2J

**BOOM!**

The lights come back on to see Chris Jericho doing his cross pose at the top of the ramp, and he goes down to the ring with his own microphone. He gets right in Hassan's face, and says the magic words: "Would you kindly....SHUT! THE HELL! UP!" Hassan is pissed, but Jericho continues anyways.

"I've heard you say a lot of things, and while some of them may be true, there are a few things that you need to get through your head, and I think I'm the guy who can do it, Hossenfeffer. You see, people don't boo you because you have a darker tan. People don't boo you because you wear a towel around your head. People don't boo you because you like to hump water buffalo. People boo you because, quite frankly....they don't like you! And if they don't like you, then I don't like you very much, either."

"Oh is that so? How would you know? Yes, you are also coming to us from another country. But have you ever been detained from riding on a plane simply because of the color of your skin? Have you ever been told that the only thing you can do is drive a taxi? Have you ever--"

"I'm sorry, but you're doing it again."

"What am I doing?!"

"You're speaking! THAT is why people don't like you! Because every time you speak, all the BS you spew has to be wiped up by the towel you have on your head!"

THAT DID IT! Hassan hits Jericho, and the two start brawling with one another. Hassan tries to hit the WMD on Jericho, but Jericho trips him and tries for the Walls. But before he can lock it in, a horde of officials come down and break them up. Hassan is being pushed up the ramp, and he gets his microphone again.

"Jericho! You want to try and shut me up? Then try next week!"

"Next week? Why wait? Let's do it, TONIGHT!"

"YOU'RE ON!"

Jericho looks pleased, as Hassan just looks pissed, as we go to a commercial break.

(91%)

JR: "If I understand right, the match between Chris Jericho and Muhammed Hassan WILL be following the next one."

Funker: "And what a match we have right now, as Stevie Richards made an open challenge to anyone in the back who haven't gotten much television time."

Steven Richards makes his way down to the ring now, and he calls for his opponent. And he is greeted by.....the Rockers theme! Marty Jannetty comes bouncing out from the back, and following a handshake, the two begin their match.

Segment 8: Steven Richards vs Marty Jannetty

This match kinda sucked, apparently. But it wasn't due to anything the two guys did; the crowd were still calming down after the last two segments, and plus, the match was short to boot. Marty got in a few good spots like dropkicks and savate kicks, but Steven dusted off the old Stevie-T to get the victory. Steven left the ring a happy man following the match.

(59%, 52%, 67%, 3/4*)

The crowd were still pumped up from the previous match. Damn.

Segment 9: Chris Jericho vs Muhammed Hassan

This match is alright. The crowd were tiring of Hassan by this point, but they weren't tiring of Rhyno when he ran in about 5 minutes into the match and Gored the hell out of everyone involved. He waits for them both to rise, then does so once again, just to maintain that he's dominant.

(83%, 86%, 77%, **3/4)

Segment 10: What does this have to do with anything?

We go backstage right before break, and we see.....Kane? Lying on the floor? Road agents and medics are all around Kane's fallen body, and the back of his head is bloodied. He's being taken out of the building. But why? When? Who cares? Well apparently I did, otherwise I wouldn't have booked it.

(77%)

--Commercial Break--

Main Event: Non-Title Match - Batista vs Edge

WOW were the crowd hot for this match, even if the action didn't quite hold up. Batista clears Edge from the ring in a hurry, and plays power man through the match. Edge just can't seem to find a formula that works against the monster. Even a low blow gets no results, because we all know that a hoss doesn't have to sell for a low blow. Batista just runs through this match, and Edge is his road. Until the referee goes down from a missed Hossline, of course. But even then, the Money in the Bank briefcase doesn't put down Batista! But that's when help arrives....and she delivers a new, mystical, magic briefcase.

JR: "What the hell is Lita doing out here?!"

Funker: "Well obviously she's not standing by her man, because Kane went to the hospital."

Lita holds Batista's attention for just a moment as he looks at her, but turns and gets blasted by the briefcase. Finally, Batista goes down, and Lita wakes the referee up so that he can count the three! And then, just for the hell of it, Edge and Lita share a big sloppy kiss in the middle of the ring to a host of three word chants that rhyme with you fat cat, as we close the show with JR screaming "Damn you Lita! Damn you straight ta' hell!"

(91%, 99%, 75%, **3/4)

Lita's turn was great, and now she's a heel with the Slut gimmick. Well, they say the best gimmicks are partly in truth...

Show Rating: 80%

We got a 6.11 rating for 'RAW'! The attendance level was 9,036 people, we made $361,440 from ticket sales.

Notes from Double A: "Sylvan and Maven are a good team, but you overused Hassan. The fans stopped caring about seeing him by the time his match came up."

Overness Changes:

Batista - 96 to 94

Charlie Haas - 75 to 80

Muhammed Hassan - 75 to 74

Lita - 83 to 90

Rhyno - 83 to 84

Simon Dean - 64 to 74 (!!)

World Tag Team titles - 75 to 69 (?)

Overall, a VERY successful RAW. Lita's turn worked perfectly, and even though he was a tad overused (I take the blame entirely), Hassan showed that he can pull performing in three segments. A lot of people gained overness, and that makes me very happy. Plus a VERY hot opener and main event, filled in with sprinkles of goodness in the middle of the card. This was our highest rated show by fans who we had plants talk to as they filed out of the arena. Let's only hope that my compatriot, the Sweetest of Simes, can do as well on SmackDown.

See? We're just lazy. Unless one of us comes and says that this is over, go ahead and figure that we're just slowly working on a show.

I tried to make things longer for this show, seeing as how we are now posting our stuff at the "big time" of EWR diaries. Maybe eventually I'll start busting out full results, but don't hold your breath waiting. I didn't quite know about doing the exact same thing that WWE did as far as Edge and Lita either, but rest assured that it'll be okay. And look at it this way, Matt is still on contract in our game, so we won't have to see him being a whiny bitch! But I figure that doing the same thing as what really happened, even if it's a month or so earlier than when it really happened, is like a tribute or something.

Okay, I'll quit rambling on about stuff and let you begin the wait for Sime's next SD.

Edited July 21, 2005 by Steve Corino