"Wrestling.....YAAAAAAAAY!"

[probablyoliver]

He's not a kleptomaniac, he's black!

Klepto's stealk forks. Blacks steal wallets.

Get it right.

Could anybody tell me what minority Iowa is over populated by? I'm going with Blacks and or Jews, but I need a reason to blow it up, and I want to keep realistic...

I'm going to hell.

[NobBe Nobbs]

Go with fat people. Fat people are fat.

What, you want a better reason? Tough, skippy!

[TGC]

He's not a kleptomaniac, he's black!

Klepto's stealk forks. Blacks steal wallets.

Get it right.

Could anybody tell me what minority Iowa is over populated by? I'm going with Blacks and or Jews, but I need a reason to blow it up, and I want to keep realistic...

I'm going to hell.

There really aren't THAT many black people aside from some of the bigger cities that border other states and the college towns. There is a VERY large number of Hispanics though. Yannow, migrant farm workers are mostly illegal aliens and they are almost 100% hispanic. Oh, and hicks, tons and tons of fucking redneck hicks.

TGC

[Chris the Human]

Aren't there heaps of Mormans in Iowa too? Or is that Illinois? I dated a Mormon once, but can't for the life of me remember where she was from. Somewhere in America.

I vote Mormons, if they're eligible

[Shadeternal]

I believe you are thinking Utah for the land of the LDS. Or, if you are looking for an I state, Idaho, totally and undeniably Idaho.

Oh... And Hamster guts should have PETA all effing over you.

[probablyoliver]

The way I saw it was it wasn’t enough to attack the Guthrie Centre, we needed to destroy the whole surrounding area, Iowa had really gone down hill, and the only way to get rid of the hundreds of dirty Mexicans and Hispanics that populated the Guthrie Centre was to destroy it all.

Yeah, maybe I was over-reacting, I got fired from a job I was doing poorly, and now I'm going to destroy Iowa? Or maybe I was looking at it the wrong way, I'd be doing America a favour, there were too many people in Iowa who had arrived in the US-of-A, sailing in on a door; I was just cleansing them of all the people who scared old people because they were darker than the night sky.

I was making my country proud.

I looked out of my window, it was a coincidence and a blessing that they were building a Gun and Bomb superstore across the road from me and it would get its grand opening next Thursday. Apparently ethnic legend Ghandi was going to be cutting the ribbon, proclaiming the store open; which was cool, I always wanted my photo taken with Ghandi.

After planning for three hours I got hungry, I went to make a sandwich when all of a sudden there was a knock at the door. Armed with a very sharp knife, I slowly went to the door. Swinging it open and raising the knife to attack position, I saw a little girl in full scout uniform with a box of cookies in front of her.

Needless to say she ran.

But then I saw the horror, as I looked down the corridor, towards me came two men decked out in black suits and black sunglasses. Shit. I slammed the door and locked it as best I could; and started to find a place to hide my plans for the destruction of Iowa, but it was worthless, the mess was unbelievable. For the first time I regretted sexually assaulting my oriental cleaner lady.

I frantically looked for somewhere to hide, but alas, there was nowhe... The window! With two hands full of plans and papers of the Guthrie Centre, Iowa, I dived out of the window. A four story bump shouldn't be too painful, right? With nothing to break my fall I prayed for the best, but the whole while in my head all I could hear was various chants of 'E-C-Dub' and 'Holy Shit'.

As I regained consciousness three hours later, I looked up to see three guys with skateboards and stupid facial hair looking down on me. My arm was most certainly broken, and I seemed to be wearing a crimson mask. As I looked down my body, something was missing...

The plans! Shit!

I sat up, and pain shot through my body as the three 'dudes' stepped back. I needed to find the two suited men, and I needed to find my plans.

Stage three was on hold. For now...

Edited November 2, 2005 by Ollie Beak

[Chris the Human]

For the first time I regretted sexually assaulting my oriental cleaner lady.

[probablyoliver]

No, wrestling will get back in this. I don't plan on Totally Tool having more than say 4 or 5 shows, because this diary will have an ending. But it won't be cube-esque, just there will be less focus on wrestling for the next few updates until the next Totally Tool show.

[MalaCloudy Black]

FORGET THE PLANS, MAN!

Just hatch a more devious scheme, easier that way than running around the place, looking for plans to destroy owa. I mean, I'm sure TGC has some stashed, but you know, it'd just be easier to draw up new plans.

And what kind of facial hair is "stupid" per se?

And oh yes -- this diary is awesome in a bag. Here's to hoping you succeed in blowing Iowa up!

[Guest Kou]

UOK LOVES TERRORISM.

Down uoK, Down. Tom Waits forever! :@

Nah, On a serious note. Ollie is dying of some jungle fever so we should all bask in his diary before he keels over.

[probablyoliver]

I'm not dying! And I don't have jungle fever! Yes, I'm ill, yes it makes me not want to right, but this isn't dead, it's just sleeping. Next update will be up when I'm good and ready to post it.

This is going to have an end, and when it ends its taking a one way ticket to the HOF.

[Guest Kou]

I'm not dying! And I don't have jungle fever! Yes, I'm ill, yes it makes me not want to right, but this isn't dead, it's just sleeping. Next update will be up when I'm good and ready to post it.

This is going to have an end, and when it ends its taking a one way ticket to the HOF.

[probablyoliver]

I'm not dying! And I don't have jungle fever! Yes, I'm ill, yes it makes me not want to right, but this isn't dead, it's just sleeping. Next update will be up when I'm good and ready to post it.

This is going to have an end, and when it ends its taking a one way ticket to the HOF.

Shark eats Totally Tool Wrestling?

Dammit, mark that with spoilers.

Stop whoring my diary!

Edit: Thank God you didn't spoil the Brock Lesnar swerve, where instead of F5ing the Shark, he chills out with it and buys it a drink.

Edited November 3, 2005 by Ollie Beak

[probablyoliver]

Sitting at home, eating a little Korean, I realised I needed to act fast. The next Totally Tool show was coming up in no less than 14 days, and I needed to blow Iowa to smithereens. The gun shop that I mentioned in the last update was going to open in two days, so my gun, bomb and weapons of terror would all be bought on Monday, but I still needed to hire myself some terrorists, think of this as the next part of my diary, and this was me hiring the roster. I put a sign outside my door, advertising that anybody wanting to audition for the brand new musical 'I'm going to blow up Iowa and everyone in it' should come in and try their luck.

I also made fudge.

After a whole hour of waiting, I had my first auditionee, a little girl, but that's OK by me; I love little girls. As soon as she saw my face she screamed and ran out of the door and away down the corridor, after checking in the mirror to see if I had anything on my face I realised this was the girl that three days previous I had raised a knife too in fear of her being from the government.

Continuity? Check.

I fell asleep soon after, my advertising was deliciously awful, so of course, nobody came, except the little girl, if I hadn't of scared her away the other day she would have been a great subject to strap tons of C4 to and use her to blow up Iowa, if I wasn't so engulfed with working out this whole 'terrorism' shtick I'd go kidnap her or something. About two hours later I awoke to find my nice little condo apartment empty, completely. During that last update I was robbed of my plans, now I was robbed of everything else. But as I looked around, I realised something; these thieves were extremely good. Not only had they stolen my TV and other such items, they had robbed me of literally everything. My condo was just an empty shell; they even had removed the door from its hinges. So as I stood completely nekkid (they stole my clothes too ¬_¬), I realised that these were the guys who would assist me in the defragmentation (?) of the state of Iowa.

I thought for a moment, I enjoyed the nakedity, but there was no time for pervertedness. I ran out the door, still wearing nothing but my heart on my sleeve arm, trying to look for this band of amazing thieves. As I turned to run down the corridor, I ran straight into the little girl, as she saw me running, she had obviously opened her mouth to scream a terrified scream, and seeing as she was the right height and all, before I could stop running I fell over her, landing with my whole ballsack in her screaming mouth. As I began to get up, her Mother stepped out of her apartment, and seeing her five year old daughter lying back to the ground, mouth wide open, with me doing a naked push-up with my balls in her mouth; she feinted.

If I wasn't in such a hurry, I'd of taken advantage of the unconscious MILF. But there was no time for that.

As I stood up, I felt I needed to do something to compensate this perverted mess, thinking on my shoeless feet, I winked at the little girl; obviously an even worse move, it just made it look all the more perverted. That poor child, she's had a God awful week. I made a naked dash to the door, I could hear people applauding me in unison, I felt motivated to run faster, and as I did the clapping got louder and more frequent. I stopped for a moment to look where the applause was coming from, before realising that the sound was just coming from the way my ballsack slapped upon my leg. I was impressed by my musical talents.

As I burst out the door, I saw two men carrying my very own door into a large. They obviously recognized my naked figure, and quickly made their way into the truck, before screaming for the driver to step on it. I had to follow these men; if they could steal everything I owned in less than two hours, they could damn well blow up Iowa. I looked around for something to follow them on, a skateboard, a taxi, a jet pack, anything. There was an old woman, riding a motor shopping trolley, I run up to her, told her I was a cop, and that I was commandeering her vehicle. She asked for my badge, so I just shoved her off of the trolley and spat on her before climbing aboard the trolley. Turning it around 180, I began following the truck through the streets of Iowa.

Realising I would never catch up to them on a vehicle weighed down by an old biddy's weekly shopping, I started to release the shopping bags into the street. Without looking I heard a loud explosion, behind me a car had just halted to break in front of the shopping bags, and an oil tanker had just crashed into it, sending it on its side, resulting in a huge explosion.

Whoops.

As I turned a corner, I saw the truck, stopped at a red light. This was indeed my one and only chance. I revved up the trolley and began to chase them, the light turned green just as I was coming up behind them; I decided my only hope was to jump from the trolley to the truck. After one helluva naked dive, I clutched onto the back of the truck, waiting for another red light. After a few moments of clutching, I started to hear whirring noises; they were opening the back of the truck. This was my chance to drop into the truck and hire them as terr-.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT.

An hour later I awoke, still in the back of the truck. I looked down at my fried penal area. I never knew they had a tazer. I feared that soon I would have to change my name to Olivia and marry a violent and heavy handed woodsman. The truck was now stationary, the engine was off, and I was the only one in the truck. All my stuff had been emptied from the back of the truck, and all was dark. After a while of waiting, the back of the truck opened again, and I saw the two men who I had seen stealing my door. These were the same men who had stolen my plans to the Guthrie Centre just days before.

"Wh-what... Who are you?"

"The leader wants to see you. Follow us."

After following them into a large warehouse, I saw all of my stuff, set out just like it was in my own house. Everything was in perfect order, even my wankmags were still there under the coffee table. It was a perfect replica of my house. The two men lead me to a table, where a large leather chair began to swivel round. Sitting on the chair, holding a kitten, and wearing a monocle and top hat stood a man with a bung eye.

"I..."

He said.

"...Am the reason you're unemployed..."

Discuss.

Edited November 10, 2005 by Ollie Beak

[Summers]

Ruined.

[probablyoliver]

Kou made me do it. Cloudy & Myke are in the next update

[MalaCloudy Black]

Way to spoil the surprise, Ollie.

[StevenRichardsRules]

Sexy. I am thoroughly amused. I can't wait for the next update.

[Summers]

Kou made me do it. Cloudy & Myke are in the next update

I actually do think it's been ruined, meh.

[Guest Kou]

Kou made me do it. Cloudy & Myke are in the next update