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The Chili's Gig


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MARCH 11 2001

While the world has been reeling from the possibility of ECW going under; rumors of our demise have been greatly exaggerated. Inside the Hammerstein Ballroom in downtown New York City stands JOEY STYLES alongside JOEL GERTNER.

JOEY STYLES: "Hello everyone and welcome to New York City! And while we may well have been thrown a lifeline by the USA Network; tonight, we are all still Living Dangerously! I'm Joey Styles..."

JOEL GERTNER: "And well, well, well..."

Before the Quintessential Studmuffin can formally introduce himself, he's impeded by a barrage of noise. The territorial ECW fans erupt into a frenzy, doing their utmost to make THE RIGHT TO CENSOR feel most unwelcome. Regardless, STEVEN RICHARDS marches his militant group towards the ring, which begs the question...

JOEY STYLES: "Oh, not that clueless putz! Just what business could you possibly have here!?"

STEVEN RICHARDS: "I'm glad you asked, Joseph. You see, we've been sent by MR. McMAHON to oversee and eradicate the kind of immoral and indecent vulgarity we've come to associate with the ECW brand."

Oh sure, that'll endear you to the fans!

STEVEN RICHARDS: "In case you haven't heard, tonight's blockbuster main event between THE DUDLEY BOYZ and EDGE & CHRISTIAN is presented by the World Wrestling Federation, and therefore it is our duty to ensure that the content of the show is in line with the views of our corporate sponsors. As such, I regret to inform you; the obscene, outrageous, and frankly abhorrent Joel Gertner will NOT be providing color commentary for tonight's show."

Stop me if you've heard that one before.

STEVEN RICHARDS: "Now, if you'd be so kind as to vacate the ring immediately, then the evening's schedule may resume as planned. Otherwise, we will be left with no choice but to use reasonable force."

A defiant Gertner spurns the chance to leave of his own volition, which the band of moral crusaders take as their cue to intervene. 'Reasonable force' comes in the form of a superbly-executed Super Kick from the group's spokesman. Joey Styles dives to check on the well-being of his fallen broadcast colleague, but, for his efforts; he too finds himself cornered by BULL BUCHANAN and THE GOODFATHER. Just as things begin to look particularly bleak for the voice of ECW, echoes of a heart rate monitor stop the PC brigade dead in their tracks. It can't be, can it? It is... it's TAZZ! The mood here in the Big Apple is about to change!

The Human Suplex Machine makes a beeline for the ring, only to be greeted by a tame axe-handle from VAL VENIS upon his arrival. He fights off the onslaught with ease as the group's ringleader ducks out of dodge to bark instructions at his charges from the safety of ringside. The two behemoths are only happy to oblige. They approach the fearless Tazz with a formidable advantage, but the former ECW World Heavyweight Champion will not back down! Tazz overcomes the initial barrage and disposes of his enemies with a flurry of suplexes, before turning his attention to IVORY, who begs for his mercy. The miserable S.O.B. is not forthcoming, but the WWF Women's Champion is saved just in time by her leader.

We have ourselves an impromptu match!


Following the ambush, Richards shows the kind of cunning that helped him navigate the ECW landscape for three years. With an arsenal of kicks, punches and chops, he eventually manages to paint Tazz into a corner, where Buchanan and Venis are on hand to restrain him. Bet you didn't see that coming. A prone Tazz is easy pickings for a sequence of kicks to the midsection.

You might have been forgiven for thinking it'd be the other way round, but Stevie earns the ire of the fans by callously choking Tazz out with his tie. The ravenous crowd rammed inside the Hammerstein Ballroom, however, have other ideas. They rally behind the former ECW World Heavyweight Champion, enabling The Human Suplex Machine to power his way out. A series of harsh elbows to the gut allow Tazz to mount the offensive and take Richards down with a judo throw.

The sway in momentum doesn't last long. An attempt to Irish Whip his opponent is reversed, and The Goodfather trips Tazz up to allow Richards to regain control. After a series of stomps, a Neckbreaker isn't quite enough to keep Tazz down for that all-important three count, so Stevie attempts an Irish Whip of his own. Tazz quickly rebounds with a strong lariat, and follows up with a T-Bone Tazplex. Remember; anyone can throw a suplex, but only one man in this business knows how to execute a Tazplex - and Steven Richards just learned the difference.

Sensing that victory is near for the cold-hearted competitor, Ivory instinctively leaps up onto the apron. The distraction is enough for Richards to measure him up for the Super Kick, but Tazz ducks and goes behind. There it is... the Tazmission; the Katahajime! This one - if it were ever in doubt - is over. Steven Richards has no choice but to concede defeat.


The Human Suplex Machine has done it. Tazz, on his return to Extreme Championship Wrestling, has ousted its invaders. The extreme has prevailed over political correctness gone mad. But that's not all... Tazz has a live microphone and a farewell message for the departing Steven Richards. This should be interesting.

TAZZ: "Hey motherfucker, go tell Vince McMahon that you came to ECW as his pillar of righteousness, but by the time you left; you were just another victim! I'll see you tomorrow night."

Don't be fooled into thinking that the score between these two is anywhere close to being settled. Not for one second. If I were a betting man, I'd guess that it's safe to say this rivalry will continue to play out on WWF programming over the coming weeks. But be warned: viewer discretion is advised. Have you seen Monday Night Raw lately?


Our nervous cameraman finds himself with the rather unenviable task of filming an interview segment with CYRUS and the new ECW World Heavyweight Champion RHINO, who seems more intent on smashing his fist into lockers in the background. The former Network representative remains unphased by The Man Beast's rage. He simply stares into the lens through his tinted glasses.

CYRUS: "Let it be known that I'm nothing if not a betting man, and by God, I bet on a winner at Guilty As Charged. You see, the man you see before you is the unified, undisputed, and frankly unstoppable ECW World Heavyweight Champion, and I'll be damned if there's a man on this planet that can bring an end to his reign of destruction!"

Rhino storms into the forefront, unleashing a tirade of curses and threats.

RHINO: "I told you. I fucking told all of you that I was going to break THE SANDMAN in half! I warned you. I fucking warned you all. And now, he's not even here tonight because he's eating his fucking food through a fucking tube in the hospital! Who else is there? I need violence! Who's left for me to devour? The look on Sandman's face when I threatened to murder his fucking family. That gets me off! Who's next? ROB VAN DAM... I'll tear you limb from fucking limb!"

Well, nobody ever suggested he was here in ECW to make friends.



Back in the arena, Cyrus has since replaced Joel Gertner at the commentary position, and he's grateful of the opportunity bestowed upon him by a man after his own heart. Yuck. Meanwhile, 'Down On Me' by Jackyl blares throughout the Hammerstein Ballroom as HOT COMMODITY - accompanied, as always, by ELEKTRA - make their way to the ring. Curiously, CHRIS HAMRICK and JULIO DINERO are without EZ MONEY, who, as we know; has 'jetted' South. They're soon followed by LOU E. DANGEROUSLY and CHRIS CHETTI, who has had his contract reinstated by order of LITTLE SPIKE DUDLEY.

The Commissioner, incidentally, heads the opposing team comprised of NOVA and KID KASH. The three men halt at the bottom of the ramp to talk tactics for a second, before charging the ring as a unit. While Nova and Spike slide under the bottom rope into open fire, Kid Kash opts to leap onto the apron and into the ring with a springboard, taking Chetti out momentarily. Eventually, the brawl spills to the outside, with only Hamrick and Spike left standing in the ring. With order restored, the match can officially begin.


Confederate Currency outsmarts the Dudley brother with a kick to the midsection rather than complying with a test of strength - which he'd have surely won anyway - and backs him into the corner with some hard right hands. A back elbow knocks him for six, and Hamrick easily elevates Spike into a back body drop for the two-count.

Spike evades a springboard forearm by rolling out of harm's way, but Hamrick wisely clocks him with a seated Super Kick. A swing in momentum however, allows Spike to hit a succession of dropkicks, forcing Hamrick to scuttle towards his corner for a desperate tag to partner Julio Dinero. Rather than dive straight into the action, Dinero instead struts around the ring, and so Spike takes him out with a chop block.

Soon after, Nova is introduced, and goes about cleaning house in the most efficient way. After taking Dinero down, he methodically knocks rival Chris Chetti off the apron. This act would come back to haunt him, as Chetti later takes him out from behind to halt his momentum.

Kid Kash responds in kind, leaving his corner and diving into the ring over the top rope. Hamrick dumps Nova out of the ring and follows, while Kid Kash nails Chetti with a Brainbuster for a two-count only. The match descends into chaos, with referee John Finnegan unsure of who the legal men even are anymore. Not that it really matters, because Kid Kash is in control.

Dinero sends him into the ropes with an Irish Whip, but Kash rebounds with a springboard crossbody, then takes out Nova, Hamrick and Chetti with a Senton to the outside. This is Spike's cue to hit the ring and pummel Dinero.

With victory in his sights, Spike hooks Dinero for the Acid Drop, but before he can finish his opponent off, he's drilled with the Money Maker. What the hell is this? Kid Kash just attacked his own partner! Before the referee can even register what just happened, Dinero makes the cover. The pinfall, according to Cyrus, is academic.


As the boos rain down from the crowd, Chris Hamrick and Elektra rejoin Julio Dinero and Kid Kash in the ring. This is just despicable. Have Hot Commodity just found their new leader? In any event, Nova and Spike Dudley have been robbed tonight, and you can bet there'll be hell to pay for that traitor. Can we get the camera off these guys? Please?







Edited by Nerf
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Is that the one with, like the half hour set with a couple of tracks from SA?

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