Schlitzbrille

I will not do it over here/I will not do it over there/I will not do it in the sky/I will not do it while making a pie/I will not, I will not accept your invite to play Facebook games, Sam I Am.

75 days without a name change. I FEEL LIKE A PLEBE.

ALL GLORY TO KELLEN MOORE.

Note to self: Lava bridge in the Nether, not a great idea.

I'm being held hostage by an Enderman.

Hello EWB. Has ESPN told you all how fantastic I am and the greatest quarterback in NFL history? I totally don't have issues with insecurity or anything.

Someone decided that cranberry mustard had to exist. Probably the same mindset also makes mango coconut water acceptable.

Food sensitivity? Since when is food allergy an offensive term?

That moment when I figured out that there's enough Gatorade at work to make a one-man fort.

"The music video for Mein Land is boogeytastic weirdness.

Watched the fourth Harry Potter movie earlier, and DEAR GOD MOANING MYRTLE WANTED TO DO THINGS WITH HARRY.

I found the solution to America's woes. Where's my Nobel Prize?

I feel rather old today.

Roses are red, so is the state. Let us be comrades, because I think you're great.

The announcement of Bruno Sammartino going into the WWE Hall of Fame apparently so freaked out my laptop that it contracted the FBI Moneypak virus. Everything's working fine now.

Can't think of a better time than now to find out if I have Jedi powers.

Cinnamon roll flavored yogurt, where have you been all my life?