Man Behind the Mask

Finding “wrestlecrap” was difficult, because I wasn’t sure if it was something that was deliberately bad, accidentally bad, or so-bad-it’s-good. Something funny was a lot easier, although still a challenge as I tend to rely on running jokes and themes rather than having deliberate comedy. So here are two entries - something old and something new. There is plenty of something borrowed in the diary, and a little bit of something blue.

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Entry 1 Build up and a match from the third BBW show

Smart Fan/Nervous Guy Promo

The Smart Fan does a great job of welcoming the fans to the show, getting them comfortable and filling in anyone new on what has been going on in BBW. Just before everyone has settled in, he spots a car pulling up at the front of the house. Smart Fan launches into a grand introduction:

"And now, I'd like everyone to welcome a major BBW Superstar... he is the most consistently successful wrestler that we have... show your appreciation for... Nervous Guy!!!"

Nervous Guy has just got out of his Mum's car. He sees the small crowd staring and cheering, so he blushes and darts out of sight. I can't believe he still turns up.

"Don't worry, he'll be back later. After all, just like Raw is Jericho, BBW is Nervous." Sounds like an overweight porn actress who has just found out her co-star has a fifteen incher.

(1) Caveman Promo

The show begins as Caveman emerges from the kitchen, sorry, I meant entranceway. He is carrying a blackboard, which he sets up facing the crowd. Caveman begins drawing with a piece of chalk - it looks like he is depicting what he hopes to do to Nervous Guy in their match. The crowd don't really understand until Caveman grunts a bit and mimics being terrified to show he is talking about Nervous Guy. Then they get on his back. Sadly, I think a colony of fleas beat them to it.

(2) Nervous Guy vs Caveman

The Smart Fan has fetched Nervous Guy by this time and leads him around to the back yard where his opponent awaits. It looks like the plucky underdog wasn't expecting a match, allowing Caveman to get dangerously close before Nervous Guy sets off at speed.

With his enemy so close, there isn't time to climb anything, so Nervous Guy actually heads towards the trampoline. Could it be that he is about to engage in a real match? No. Nervous Guy keeps running at full pace, but ducks underneath the metal bar that runs around the edge of what passes in BBW for the ring. The much larger Caveman doesn't have so much luck - he is also going at full speed, but cracks his head on the obstacle because he fails to crouch sufficiently. With his opponent unconscious, Nervous Guy picks up another win.

Winner: Nervous Guy

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Entry 2 Celebrating my top heel reaching 100 over in the game

Frankie Future on TV

The live setting is a traditional interview set, the host sits alongside an empty chair, and delivers a piece to camera introducing possibly the biggest mistake of his broadcasting career.

Host: ”I’m very excited about meeting my next guest. Unquestionably one of the most rapidly rising stars in the world of sports entertainment, he is a Universal Champion and has some incredible stories to tell. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce... Frankie Future.”

The house band strikes up with a stripped down version of Future’s theme tune. He confidently steps out from backstage to something he rarely experiences - a round of applause. Seeking to educate those in attendance as quickly as possible, Future pauses to arrogantly slip the band conductor a tip. The musician looks rather shocked, but Frankie pats him on the head in a patronising fashion and continues his entrance. Future spots a kid in the front row and takes off his title belt so that the little fellow can have a closer look. The child leans forwards to take the gleaming strap, but Frankie pulls it up into the air so it is just out of his reach, laughing at the boy the whole time. A concerned floor manager rushes up and encourages Future to get on with the show and join the host.

Now smiling nervously, the host tries to get things back on track.

Host: ”Thanks very much for coming on, Frankie. You sure are a character!”

Future interrupts immediately.

Frankie Future: ”Let me tell you something, Stupid. You don’t mind if I call you Stupid?” He doesn’t wait for a response. ”I am not a CHARACTER (Frankie says it mockingly and makes quotation marks in the air with his fingers) . I am the greatest wrestler that there has ever been, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that there will never be anyone like me in the world ever again.”

The host laughs, playing along at this point, and tries to continue.

Host: ”You certainly are right about that. But let’s go back a step to before Frankie Future became famous. How did you get into wrestling as a kid?”

Frankie Future: ”Despite your inane manner, the terrible offering of food backstage and the tacky set we’re sitting in, I’m going to humour you, Stupid, and answer the question. I didn’t get into wrestling. Wrestling has been my destiny since the moment I was born. My very existence revolves around wrestling and one day the existence of wrestling will revolve around me.”

With his patience already tried, the interviewer attempts to lighten the situation with a quip.

Host: ”Well, it’s nice to have ambition.”

Frankie cuts him off again.

Frankie Future: ”You aren’t keeping up very well are you, Stupid? Ambition is meaningless to me as I already know how everything will turn out. The future is simply mine for the taking.”

The interviewer finally starts losing his cool.

Host: ”You are genuinely trying to tell me that you can see the future.”

Frankie Future: ”Of course. You’re next question is supposed to be “Who is your biggest rival right now?””

He gets more flustered, as Frankie’s taunting is now getting a little personally embarrassing.

Host: ”You just read that OFF THE CUE CARD! That doesn’t prove anything.”

Frankie Future: ”Ok. The question after that will be “Have you got any plans to move into the movies like the Rock or Hulk Hogan?””

With Future refusing to cooperate with the interview in any way, all bets are now off.

Host: ”THE RESEARCHER WENT THROUGH ALL THE QUESTIONS WITH YOU BEFORE THE SHOW!! Of course, the dumb bitch won’t have a job in the morning after she failed to spot you were a WACKO!”

Frankie Future: ”That’s sweet. I ought to tell you that your future will be to see her on the unemployment line. Shame about your wife.”

The host is now completely exasperated.

Host: ”What about my wife?”

Frankie Future: ”She’ll have to find a line of work that’s a little more sordid than hosting a crappy talk show. It’ll be OK until she starts taking the kids to work.”

Host: ”Why don’t you just shut the hell up and get off my show! You’re a ****ing lunatic!! Security!! Get this mother****er out of here!!!”

A security guard lumbers onto the stage and tries to manhandle Frankie away. Future fights back and puts the security guy in the Prophecy. It’s amazing how the overriding rule means that paying off security personnel is no longer a problem for me. Carnage ensues as more security rush in, the host goes purple with rage and begins jumping up and down on the spot like a small child, and the studio audience go bananas. The guys in the editing suite universally agree with Frankie’s opinion of the host, and are amazed to have finally found someone with an even bigger ego. They finally cut to a break as things go out of control.

The Rules of Booking extend themselves beyond wrestling once more as Frankie put in an extraordinary performance to get people talking about BBW and make himself a true star. In the early days, I spent my time laughing at the talent on my roster, but now my influence has grown so much that I can embarrass people I’ve never even met on national TV.

I hugely enjoyed writing my entry, so to come out on top is really a massive bonus. Thanks to those that voted, especially Hailtothechimp, and of course I’ve got to recognise the contributions of conniption and reverefigure4 (even in their absence).

Given the amount of effort that I’m sure went in to all the other entries, I think people deserve a little bit of feedback. All of the writing was a really high standard, with none of the matches seeming unrealistic, dragging on, or featuring a never-ending selection of typos. In the face of perfectly acceptable use of the English language, any thoughts on the differences between each of the entries really come down to the story telling and the booking – which makes it largely about personal preference (so again I consider myself very lucky (Y)).

Entry 2: The historical context makes sense to me; if the WWF and WCW are each trying to do absolutely anything to one-up the other, then it’s logical to give away the other side’s biggest match on TV. That doesn’t mean that I think it is a great idea, particularly when the whole point of the match gets lost when it degenerates into a big run in and beatdown at the end. The write up was good, conveying the dominance of the Ministry very effectively, and leaving me with genuine sympathy for the Union members (particularly Ken Shamrock who seems to have come out with those red shorts filled with blood capsules). However, the overall setting and outcome meant this wasn’t quite to my taste.

Entry 3: Given who is involved, the rest of the card, and the mentions of a special “final” show, like HttK I hoped this was 2001. However, other references make it really look like a WCW 10 year reunion in 2011 (which would be a big turnoff). The match itself was good, but felt a bit rushed. The first five minute period was over in a flash, and the description of the action made much of it feel like a long sequence of alternating finishers. The characterisation and storytelling (e.g. Hogan being crafty and Sting with the dramatic save) were all really nice, as was the sentiment behind the booking of a WCW finale. EDIT: Essa posted just as I was about to, and I can completely see what he was going for (and it also explains the one complaint I had with the match).

Entry 4: Although the write up is shorter than some of the other entries, I found the summarising effective. There are some nice little character touches, and the match plays out in the formula you would expect. I did expect more to be made of the hole in the cage after it happened, so it ended up coming over as a bit odd. Overall, though, this didn’t really captivate me; possibly because a simple change to the finish of a match that actually happened didn’t feel that exciting.

Entry 5: Starting with two nitpicks, this was probably the only entry that could have done with a bit more proofreading, and I thought that Wargames had to finish with a submission. With that out of the way, the match built well up to the entrance and comeback from Samoa Joe. Because there was no obvious face/heel divide, it made it more difficult to build up any emotion, and that made the finish feel a bit flat (and a big surprise that the TNA champion was the one who took the fall).

Entry 6: This was probably the entry I liked the most. It really lacked only two things for me: more use of the cage (although the introduction of a weapon for each man sort of made that redundant); and a slightly stronger finish - either a really big spot (ala TLC matches) or some kind of closer call to get the heels heat before the big babyface beatdown. The touches of humour were good, the gimmicks and emotions of the wrestlers put over well, and the booking made sense.

I was really surprised that nobody else really ran with the “fantasy” possibilities that were presented. There are some groups that have never had a chance at a Wargames, like the Hart Foundation, or Hardys/Edge&Christian, and throwing together a group like Lesnar/Cena/Batista/Orton or early 90s Hennig/Dibiase/Rude/Michaels could have made for a really special match.

Picking up on what Essa said about background, I really wanted to write a load of stuff running up to the "Invasion" show, but also resisted.

Thanks to Starr for another fun competition.

War Games.

If you come from under a rock, it's two teams of five in a double-ring match, both rings covered by one cage.

Please can I have a quick clarification before most of us start?

The majority of the war games matches that took place in WCW were four on four. Is it ok to go with this format rather than the original five on five as you suggested above?

I’d also be keen to give this a go, please.

Congratulations to HttK! (Y)

Good efforts from everyone made for an even competition. I’m very pleased with joint-second, and willing to admit that I got lucky with the personal tastes of the majority of the judging panel.

Do you know what this competition needs? More musicality!

Bouncy Breakdown

So, to work the crowd into a frenzy before the main event, here is the first real diva of wrestling and the ultra-talented challenger to the Universal Title.

(6) Stacey's Rockers Performance

The loudest roar of the night echoes around the arena as Stacey, The Rocking Wrestling Machine and Billy arrive on the stage ready for the main event. To a big cheer, and a squeal of affectionate wolf-whistles, Stacey introduces the song for this evening.

"Thank-ye darlin's! Tonnaht, mah Rocking Wrasslin Machine takes on Frankie Future for the Universal Championship. He was cheated out of a tahtle victory last tahm he fought for the belt, and this is his big ol' chance. It doesn't matter what Frankie does, because when the going gets tough, the Rockin' Wrasslin' Machine gets rough!"

The crowd pop as the music starts. The Machine looks nervous, but he is settled by Stacey's good luck kiss. He grabs the mic, swivels his hips, and launches into the song:

"I got something to tell ya,

I got something to say,

Gonna win my match with Frankie,

Gonna let nothing stand in my way,

When the going gets tough (oo-oo)

The tough get going!

(Whoo!)

I'm gonna make good use of my training,

Gonna be champ by the end of the day,

The belt’s now there for the taking,

Then my Stacey can shout out 'Hooray!'

(oh-oh)

Fran-kie, I'll get past your cheating,

Fran-kie, I'll do anything,

Ooo (oo), gonna hurt ya, (gonna hurt ya) and win the title off of you, (oh-oh)

Ooo (oo), gonna choke ya, (gonna choke ya) I'm gonna beat you black and blue,

(oh-oh)

When the going gets tough

The tough get going,

When the going gets rough,

The tough get rough

When the going gets tough

The tough get going,

When the going gets rough,

The tough get rough!! ....."

As always, the crowd react superbly to the performance and are close to their noisiest ever as the Machine completes the song. He grooves and poses in fine fashion, and Stacey is clearly proud of her man.

I went to Twickenham once with school...maybe 9 or 10 years ago. ¬_¬ It was an Oxbridge university match, and Cambridge won. Damn them.

I think I was probably at that match, too.

Twickenham is fully stocked with bars and food, both around the actual stadium and outside the gates by the West Car Park. If you're by the Royal Box, then you'll be on that side of the ground. Prices are steep, but not too bad (e.g. WAY lower than Wembley), and the queues are unpleasant but bearable.

The ground is by a dual-carriageway in a residential area, so there's not too much immediately close by. The town centre and train station are a 10 minute walk, and there are a few pubs there (coming out of the train station you actually go away from the stadium to get to anywhere interesting). Richmond is slightly bigger and has better pubs. They normally lay on complementary buses from Richmond, or it's a 20-30 minute walk alongside the dual-carriageway.

Good luck with finding a way to get there. The big problem, as it looks like you've found, is that it will be rammed. You generally need to book in advance for a car park space (organised coaches are your friend (Y) ), and it can sometimes take a couple of hours to fight your way back into the train station as everyone leaves together. Pubs might not be too bad as there's nothing on elsewhere.