Campbell
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Posts posted by Campbell
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But you spell his surname "Mitchinoku"...so it shouldn't be a problem?
I'm enjoying the diary BTW
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Roaster
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Whoa, haven't posted in a while!
Went into work today on my day off to try out SD vs. RAW. Despite a couple of things (eg: the crowd look awful and sooo much stuff is locked from the get go) I really liked it! The staredown/test of strength is different, the methods of blocking are better and the "Hulking Up" thing is genious. I played Shelton Benjamin vs. Kurt Angle as Shelton and when Angle was beating on me, I was able to make a quick comeback and hulk up for about thirty seconds!
I haven't sampled anything else. My only other gripe is that the stat bars are too big...a six-man tag match is stupid because they take up most of the screen!!
It's one of those games you're gonna have to try to see for yourself but I really enjoyed it - plus I haven't gotta go to Uni or work on Friday, so it'll just be a case of buying it in the morning and PLAYING IT FOREVER!
Here Comes The Pain has done me proud, as it's the only game I've played consistantly for the past year...and this one shall too!
And don't hate on people for liking it, and don't hate on people for NOT liking it.
*smokes more weed and chills out* -
Heeeey, you stole my old diary!
I did Hardcore Wrestling, Incorperated a couple of months back!!
Boo!! Boo on you I say
Only kidding, you'll probably do a better job with it than I did! All the best!
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The crowd have arrived for the event and we’re almost set. To think, the last few weeks – the Arsenic incident…falling out with Malone…having to put up with Golden Boy’s demands (sorry, wrong diary)…and it was all a dream! The PGW is alive and well.
I’m approached by my co-producer, Malone…and I say –
Campbell: BIG PANTS!!!
Malone: I’m sorry?
Campbell: BIG PANTS!! REMIND ME TO BUY BIG PANTS TOMORROW!!
Malone: Oooo…kay!! Oh by the way – Teddy Hart rang. He said if you dare to compare him to Jade from Big Brother again he’s gonna come round and…quote…beat your motherfucking smart mark ass.
Campbell: Okay…tell Sophie to make up a letter telling him that a biscuit barrell is a better worker than him…and then give him your address.
Malone: Why my address?
Campbell: So he doesn’t come round and kick my ass.
Malone: But he’ll kick mine!
Campbell: Take one for the team, bro! Take one for the team…and speaking of taking one for the team…I better go make sure your Mom’s ready for the show.
Malone: I HATE YOU LIKE I HATE LICE, CAMPBELL!!
Pretty Good Wrestling presents… PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!!
Malone’s Mom: Ladies and gentlemen…at this time, may I recognize…THE DONKEY!!
The crowd cheer like crazy. This week, the donkey is wearing a party hat made out of an old newspaper. He’s wearing a large piece of white cloth that says “Frankie F’n Arnaut” on the side of it.
Before Malone’s Mom can announce any further, we hear the familiar sound of jungle music pumping out of a car stereo. As if on time, Darren Von Darren’s ride chugs into the garden to a chorus of boos. Von Darren steps out of the driver’s seat and Sig Masta steps out of the passenger’s seat. Both men climb into the ring and light up cigarettes. Von Darren proceeds to run down the crowd and issue a warning to the Vanilla Ice Memorial Champion – Crazy Sexy Mike.
Darren Von Darren: You see, Mush…when Sig Masta kicks your fookin’ arse and wins the match tonight…I is gonna take your belt because if Siggy wins, I gets a fookin’ shot at your belt ya’ bastard! And after next week, me and Siggy – MOI SAAAAHHN – are gonna be the boys about town in Pretty Fookin’ Good Wrestling!
After some – ahem – closing prose…DVD and Sig Masta depart, stubbing out their fags as they go. “Notorious” by P. Diddy kicks in and the crowd give a polite applaud as Low Ryda makes his way out for his debut match. As he’s walking to the ring, Darren Von Darren and Sig Masta cross his path. We don’t pick up what they say, but Darren ends it by laughing and pushing Low Rdya. Ryda looks angry but he’s rising above it.
Campbell: What do you think Darren Von Darren said to Low Ryda there, Larry?
Larry: Probably the joke I told him about the Lesbian and the bar stool – HHAHAHAAHAHAA!!!!!
Campbell: Well, I doubt-
Larry: BA-AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAA!!!
Low Ryda steps into the ring as he’s introduced and the crowd give him a nice ovation.
Some very familiar Rythem and Blues music kicks in and the arena start booing. Out steps a young man with huge sideburns and curly black hair. He’s wearing light blue tights with music notes all over them, and he’s got a medallion of a quaver. He’s carrying an acoustic guitar and a microphone in either hand.
??: Good evening ladies and gentlemen…and we’re gonna tear it up ta-naihte!!
The guy then begins singing…
Well mah gimmick is a rip-off, as it’s come to pass,
And if I meet Wayne Ferris he’s gonna kick mah ass,
I’m just the Honky Tonk Kid (Honky Tonk Kid)
A-Just the Honky Tonk Kid (Honky Tonk Kid)
Oh-ahm the Honky Tonk Kid I’m young, I’m crazy, I’m CRAP!!
HTK: Thank you very much, you’re a beautiful audience!!
The crowd boo the Kid like crazy as he smiles and waves. Low Ryda strikes him with a kick to the side and the bell sounds to start the match.
Double Debut Match
LOW RYDA vs. THE HONKY TONK KID
Low Ryda dominates the early going of this contest until Honky hits a low blow. It’s great, because The Kid wrestles pretty much identical to The Honky Tonk Man. The guy’s got all the moves!! Low Ryda mounts a comeback after he counters a Shake, Rattle and Roll with some stiff kicks.
The contest ends with HTK perching Ryda on the top rope. Ryda kicks him off and hits a Shooting Star Press for the popular 1, 2, 3!
Your Winner: Low Ryda
Low Ryda leaves the ring and we hear “Mr. Boombastic” by Shaggy blaring through a jambox. Out comes Mr. Boombastic, the crowd really getting on his case. Boombastic doesn’t care as he takes the microphone. He puts down the crowd and begins to try and punk out his opponents.
Mr. Boombastic: You see, it looks like everyone thinks dat Mr. Boombastic is gonna get his butt whooped tonight? Well, you can all shove it, because de real handi-cap is not for me, but for the Dog Food Tin and American Dung Beetle out ‘dere…cos dey gotta go dooowwwnn-tooowwwn wid’ Mista’ Row…rrowww…mmmantic!!
Boombastic throws the mic down. Japanese metal music hits and the crowd give a polite ovation. Lead by Yung Longtime (wearing a very nice silver miniskirt and black cape…wonder if she’s single. Sure I’ve seen her in a porn bef- ahem!), American Beetle and Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle head to the ring. After playing up to the crowd, Beetle stands on the outside and Noodle starts the match with Boombastic.
Handi-Cap Match
MR. BOOMBASTIC vs. THE KAIJU BATTEL CONNECTION (KBC)
Yes, that’s how you spell Battle in Kaiju!! Boombastic starts with some amateur wrestling, aggrovating Chicken Noodle. Noodle takes a lead when he hits a Diving Shoulder Block and a Senton Splah on Boombastic. Noodle and Beetle tag in and out, trading the offense between them.
Boombastic hits back when he dodges a corner splash and Beetle cracks his head on the turnbuckle. Boombastic works over Beetle with several clotheslines and a neck lock before Beetle powers out and tags in Noodle.
Noodle is all over Boombastic, until he is blasted out of nowhere with a Diving Elbow. Noodle manages to tag in Beetle and Beetle takes over. Noodle staggers around at ringside, and suddenly we see Alex Porteau move to the front of the audience and floor Noodle with a right hand. American Beetle steps out of the ring and Porteau jumps the guardrail and beheads Beetle with an amazing Clothesline!!
Porteau rolls Beetle into the ring and as he gets to his feet, Boombastic hits the Boombastic Smasher for the victory!
Your Winner: Mr. Boombastic
Boombastic powders out of the ring and shakes hands with Porteau. Porteau enters the ring and is soon accompanied by a bearded guy in a suit and a cheerleader. The bearded guy takes the microphone.
Bearded Guy: You have all…witnessed…history…tonight. You have all…witnessed…a beginning. Because we have arrived…and we’re taking no prisoners. It is my great honour to introduce to you…professional wrestling’s most perfect triple threat in history. The brains…of myself…Josh Manager!
The crowd start booing, even getting a “Pug” chant going which aggrovates Porteau.
Josh Manager: …the beauty…in Cheerleader Amber.
Some catcalls and whistles are heard, as Amber gives a quick cheer.
Josh Manager: …and the centerpiece in our plans…the greatest wrestler stroke brawler stroke fighter in wrestling today!! The man who all the women want to be and all the men want to see…
A confused Alex Porteau takes the microphone.
Alex Porteau: Erm…don’t you mean “All the MEN want to be and all the WOMEN want to see?”
Josh Manager: You play your games, and I’ll play mine! Anyway, you’re meant to be the mute monster, so shut up! Ladies and gentlemen…”THE GOLDEN GUY…ALEX…PORTEAU!!!”
Porteau pulls some generic musclular poses as Cheerleader Amber cheers and dances with her pom-poms. The celebration ends, however, when a battered American Beetle steps into the ring. Manager begs off, but Beetle snatches the microphone and pushes him away. However, before he can speak, Yung Longtime snatches the microphone from him (the guy can’t talk!)
Yung Longtime: What American Beetle is trying to say…Is that you have disrespected him!! And he will not stand for it…you look ready to wrestle…I say you fight American Beetle right now!
The crowd cheer and Porteau smiles to himself and nods.
Yung Longtime: But this is not wrestling match, Alex…this…is…KAAAIIJJUU BATTTELL!!!
Impromptu Match
AMERICAN BEETLE vs. ALEX PORTEAU
American Beetle charges at Alex and spears him to the ground. The entourage clear the ring as Longtime goes under the ring and pulls out a model city!!
Campbell: OH YEAH!! THIS IS WHAT KAIJU IS ALL ABOUT, BABY!!
Laughing Larry: Do you reckon there’s a Tracy Island under there!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!
Longtime slides the city into the ring and Beetles wastes no time in Piledriving Porteau into the city for a two-count.
Porteau quickly recovers and battles back with first – technical holds (armbars, crossfaces and that shit), and then gets dirty when he throws a model skyscraper into Beetle’s face.
Beetle does try and make a comeback, and he tries for the Presidential Pounce into what remains of the city. Porteau manages to dive out of the way and Beetle lands in a bad way. Porteau quickly applies the Porteau Special (Haas-Of-Pain with a Crossface as well) for the submission.
Your Winner: Alex Porteau
The ring has cleared again, and we see a well dressed man with a big black hat on heading towards the ring. He’s carrying a cane and, for all intents and purposes, looks like the Monopoly Tycoon. He takes the microphone – everyone’s talking tonight!!
??: Good evening, everybody!! Allow me to introduce myself…I am Stephen Q. Ramsey the Second. I am the sole inheritor of the Ramsey estate in Bracknell, and above all else – the greatest wrestler you jugged commoners will ever see!
Campbell: ooh, a millionaire gimmick…how original.
Laughing Larry: You booked it, remember!?
Campbell: Why aren’t you laughing…Larry?
Laughing Larry: You booked it, remember?
Stephen Q. Ramsey II: Now…there are three rules you must abide by if I am to participate in wrestling in front of you…erm…people. Rule number one…when you chant…you must chant “Stephen Q. Ramsey The Second…he doesn’t like it up him!” And nothing else. Rule number two…I will not pose for photographs or kiss children.
The crowd are really getting on this guy’s case. Lots of boos and jeers, you see.
Stephen Q. Ramsey II: And third, finally and MOST IMPORTANTLY…you must NEVER REFER TO ME…AS THE MONOPOLY TYCOON!!
The crowd cheer and laugh. Some bright spark starts chanting “Monopoly” – something I never thought I’d hear in wrestling. An angered Ramsey is distracted by the fan, and Flying Dragon lands in the ring to a huge ovation.
FLYING DRAGON vs. STEPHEN Q. RAMSEY II
The bell sounds and Dragon unloads on Ramsey in quick time. Dragon floors him with some flying Dropkicks and a Springboard Moonsault. Then, wasting no time at all, as Ramsey lies prone – Dragon climbs up and hits the Dragonator!! The result – a three count and the fastest match in PGW history!!
Your Winner: Flying Dragon
Dragon departs to a huge cheer from the fans. As Ramsey leaves, he walks past a fan who starts chanting “Stephen Q. Ramsey II – He Doesn’t Like It Up Him!”, and Ramsey slaps the fan right across the face.
Non-Title Match
CRAZY SEXY MIKE vs. SIG MASTA
The referee, expecting shenanigans, dejected Darren Von Darren from ringside. Von Darren grabbed the microphone before he went.
Darren Von Darren: Siggy, Siggy Moi Saahn…I’m not allowed to be here, Mush…I’m goin’ down the shop, do you want ‘owt?
Sig Masta makes a cigarette hand motion and a drink hand motion.
Darren Von Darren: Some fags and some pop…no prob mush!
Von Darren puts his hands in his pockets and shuffles out of the garden and the bell sounds. The two quickly start exchanging hard lefts and rights on one another, and the match soon spills outside.
Sig Masta gets violent and starts ramming CSM’s head into the guardrail multiple times before suplexing him on the ground. Masta works over CSM’s back for a while until Mike avoids a Leg Drop and battles back.
In quick succession, Mike hits a DDT and two standing elbow drops, the crowd cheering him on. Sig regains the advantage and snaps Mike in half with a Brainbuster into a Piledriver (aptly named: “You Is Dead”) but only gets a two count!
A dazed Mike is able to counter out of a second and flatten Masta with a Flying Clothesline. Mike then ascends to the top and hits a Crazy Sexy Sault for the three count!
Your Winner: Crazy Sexy Mike
Post match, as Mike celebrates, Darren returns with a shopping bag full of stuff. Shocked that Sig Masta lost, Darren drops the bag and charges to the ring. He beats down Mike and cracks him with a Spinning Impact DDT (The Mush-Kakker). Suddenly, Low Ryda charges to the ring and fights off both men, laying out Von Darren with the Rough Ryda and Clotheslining Siggy out of the ring. Von Darren and Sig Masta gather themselves as Mike takes…erm…the mike.
Crazy Sexy Mike: Darren…Sig Masta…I’ve had a great idea! Next week, you pikey fuckwits…
Huge pop from the crowd. DVD and Siggy are furious.
Crazy Sexy Mike: You both bring your wrestling gear…and let’s make a match right now. You two versus Low Ryda…and CRAAAZZZYYY….SEEXXXYY…BLOOORRRGG!!!
The crowd cheer like crazy as Darren and Sig powder to their car. Mike and Low Ryda thank the fans for coming and the show comes to an end.
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Campbell sits bolt upright in bed, sweat pouring off his face, looking worse for wear. The man in the chicken outfit next to him sits up in bed.
Chicken: What’s the matter, Campbell-san? You look as though you’ve seen a spirit?
Campbell: I just had two of the weirdest dreams ever…The first one, I’m this Grade-A Loser…and I go to School with Shane McMahon, and Vince McMahon makes me head booker of WWE simply by what was written in my notebook.
Chicken: What was the other one?
Campbell: And in the other one, I’m this blonde guy with a weird haircut who likes Franz Ferdinand, and Vince McMahon makes me WWE Chairman for no real reason. And they put my face on the website and everybody laughed!
Chicken: Those are some crazy dreams…now get back to sleep and I’ll rub your back for you.
Campbell suddenly bolts up again, waking from THAT dream. This time, Malone is sat typing away at a computer.
Malone: What’s the matter, Tonto?
Campbell: I just had this dream that I lost all the money from my fed…and I had to start all over again and-
Malone: You need to stop eating cheese before bedtime. Now get some sleep…our fourth show starts tomorrow.
Campbell: …why are you in my bedroom, Malone? Visiting your Mom I guess?
Malone: SHUT UP!!!
In short, MY OLD STUFF WAS BACKED UP AFTER ALL!!
NEW PGW SHOW IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! WOOO!!
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AARRGGHH!!!! Can people stop using the whole "WWE is crap and Vince McMahon offered me a job" backstory!!! Soooooo passe
Good luck with this one though...not too happy about Orton dropping the title 24 hours later on RAW, but he'll win it back...right? RIGHT?
Knock 'em dead, kid!
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The following day I met with Malone. I was still looking really rough…mainly just to add to the effect.
How could everything collapse so quickly?? Everything was going so well!! Malone said he had a solution, but I wasn’t really holding my breath.
I met up with him in Jeff’s Coffee Shop just down the road. He was sat at a table drinking a coffee with something in a bag.
I must also add that the coffee shop was foggy.
And played Soprano music.
And if you can imagine the scene in grainy black and white, it would also help.
Campbell: You wanted to meet me.
Malone: What if I did? Who knows you’re here? Did anyone see you arrive?
Campbell: Only your mom.
Malone: Why did you let the dame in on where you were going?
Campbell: Well, she was lay next to me and I didn’t want to just creep off.
Malone: YOU HAVE TO LOWER THE BLOODY TONE DON’T YOU!!! THERE I WAS, ADDING A MYSTERIOUS EDGE TO OUR DEALINGS AND ONCE AGAIN YOU MAKE CRUDE COMMENTS ABOUT MY MOTHER!! IT’S ATTITUDES LIKE THIS THAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS AND-
Campbell: Easy, easy…readers don’t like Block Capitals…
Malone takes a drink of coffee before continuing.
Malone: Anyway…as I told you…I have a plan. This plan will stop this ever happening again.
Campbell: But we can’t afford to –
Malone sushes Campbell before sliding him the bag. Campbell puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a CD covered in white powder.
Campbell: Arsenic?
Malone nods and smiles. Campbell, disgusted, shoves the CD back into the bag.
Campbell: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? Are you mad?
Malone: I don’t see the problem…everybody’s doing it…
Campbell: But it’s illegal!! And morally wrong too!
Malone: All the money you could ever want…you’ll be a millionaire and PGW will reign supreme forever!
Campbell: I don’t think the Whacked Out Wrestling Memorial would EVER do something so corrupt! If the board found out about this they’d boycott my diary.
Malone: At least people would read it!!
Campbell: Excuse me…41 posts and growing, THANK YOU!
Malone: Look, you wouldn’t have to use it all the time…just give yourself a fix and –
Campbell: That’s how it all starts…a quick tweak here…a quick alteration there and before you know it…you’ve got a backyard fed that’s pulling 31,000 fans and main evented by Rock vs. Austin!! It’s just unrealistic!
Malone: It’s the Diary Dome…realism is never a factor!
Campbell: I’m not going to discuss it…do you know how many EWB kayfabe rules we’ve broken so far? Too many!! I’m not going to do my rep any more damage by assosiating myself with Arsenic!!
Campbell takes his coat and stands up.
Campbell: I intend to get everyone back together and rebuild the company on MY OWN TERMS!!
Malone: Ooooh, come now Tom…
Campbell: Funny, that’s what your Mom said to me last night!
Campbell walks out and Malone is left fuming.
Looks to me like the relationship between myself and Malone has become a little frosty. I saw a side of him I didn’t like today…still, I saw a side of his MOM that I still like.
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Campbell: Malone, crisis meeting…ASAP!
Malone: But I’m in bed!
Campbell: RIGHT NOW, MEEZTAH!!
Malone: …with Jennifer Love Hewitt…
Campbell: Oh. Okay…in that case, take your time.
*click*
About two hours later, Malone finally arrives at my house. I don’t know what he must have thought…I looked awful. Unshaven, bloodshot eyes…I’d been up all night on the phone.
Malone: Hey, mate. You look well. What’s up?
Campbell: We’ve hit a slight snag…all our money’s dried up.
Malone: But what about the loan?
Campbell: We can’t pay it back! It’s all gone…we can’t make ends meet. I’ve been shut down!!
Malone: WE’VE been shut down, you mean?
Campbell: Erm…yyeah. It’s all over, our dream is over.
Malone: Well…it may not be.
Campbell: It is…the fed’s been shut down. It’s game over!!
Malone: Okay, so this incarnation may be over…but we will start again!
Campbell: Malone, your Mom may be a piece of ass, but you’re obviously deaf and dumb. WE…HAVE…NO…MONEY!!!
Malone: Okay…meet me tomorrow, I’ve got a plan!
Malone dived out of the window. Problem is, my flat is on the fifth floor. I heard the crash…the dogs bark…the agonised screams and ripping of Malone’s flash.
That kinda cheered me up.
A side note: the truth is, my computer broke and I had to restore everything to factory settings - so I no longer have a PGW, or an EWB…hell, I didn’t have WORD until now. But fret not, because this is not the end…simply…
PGW: Back To Mediocrity
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Campbell: MALONE, you’ve gotta come see this…it’s the freakiest thing EVER!!!
Malone enters the room and stares at the screen.
Malone: What’s up!?
Campbell: Well, I found this website called “The Battleground”…and this guy, Adam Ryland…is writing about US!
Malone: Adam who?
Campbell: Read it…
Glad to be able to say we have a healthy roster right now!
You can expect to see a lot more of Low Ryda and Honky Tonk Kid in the coming weeks. These are all very talented workers, who we see as integral to Pretty Good Wrestling. I wouldn't be surprised to see one or more of them to step up and start making waves in the main event scene soon.
Filler Text! Filler Text! Filler Text! My gawd, Ryland used the Filler Text! Damn them all to hell!
To squash a rumour, we have had no contact with free agent Vic Capri. Although we admire this performer's obvious talents, no meetings have taken place. That is not to say we won't eventually sit down and discuss a business proposal, but at the moment, no contact has been made.
I'd like to thank our great sponsors - EWAdditions.com, GameWinners.com, Chart Wars and TotalDiscussion.com - for their continuing support.
Until next time, take care...
Adam Ryland
Campbell: How does this guy know our sponsors??
Malone: Who’s Vic Capri?
Malone: Oh THAT Vic Capri?
Campbell: What are we gonna do…some guys writing a column about us without our knowledge.
Malone: …free publicity! Let’s do nothing.
Campbell stares at the screen for a moment.
Campbell: Okay…cool.
Suddenly a loud police siren blares outside and armed SWAT guards storm in.
SWAT Guard: KAYFABE POLICE!!! FREEZE!!!
SWAT Guard 2: Mr. Campbell, you are in direct violation of Kayfabe within a diary! You must cease activities NOW of face certain death!
Campbell: But you’re not real…
SWAT Guard 2: Shit…oooh, you win this time…BUT WE’LL HAVE OUR REVENGE!!
The SWAT team disappear and there’s a moment of silence.
Malone: What’s Coach’s Dance Of the Week?
Campbell: The Funky Chicken!! LOOK AT HIM GO!!
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The last couple of shows, I realised two things:
1.) Malone’s mom wears a thong rather than pants.
And b.) We’ve not got enough wrestlers to hold a decent sized show.
So, despite the fact that I’m knee deep in debt, I went out and hired these guys. They’re all working per appearance, so that may be a blessing…
“Golden Guy” Alex Porteau - We were missing a legitimate athlete to PGW, and that’s where Porteau comes in. This guy can wrestle up a storm…shame nobody else can! He’s brought with him Josh Manager (his, erm, manager) and Cheerleader Amber (who’s a dentist….I’m joking, I’m joking, she’s a Cheerleader)
The Honky Tonk Kid – I recently watched the Honky Tonk Man’s shoot interview, and he said he hates to be imitated. Well, he didn’t return my calls, so this is me grinding an ax!!
Low Ryda – This guy looks great…wrestles great…and according to Sophie, he tastes great (not too sure what she meant by that).
Stephan Q. Ramsey II – We were missing a Rich Snob to PGW, and that’s where – oh, wait, I’m repeating myself…this guy offered me £200…I wasn’t gonna say NO!!
All four of these crazy cats will debut on the next show. Just as well really because Darren Von Darren won’t be in attendance next week. His court hearing’s up. Apparantly, the cat set itself on fire and flung ITSELF through the neighbours window last week. An alibi is an alibi I guess.
So, this is how this coming show will go down…
MR. BOOMBASTIC will face AMERICAN BEETLE and KUNG-FU CHICKEN NOODLE in a Handi-Cap Match.
THE HONKY TONK KID and LOW RYDA will debut in a one-on-one match.
FLYING DRAGON will face STEPHAN Q. RAMSEY II in Ramsey’s debut match.
We will hear from “GOLDEN GUY” ALEX PORTEAU in his first interview.
And, in the main event, CRAZY SEXY MIKE will face SIG MASTA in a Non-Title match.
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FIVE people paid this week! Count ‘em – FIVE! We’re really moving places!
I met the paying audience once more. A family of Amish people. Seems like the Amish enjoy wrestling.
Bastards stole my chairs, too!! I think all the money I’m making in tickets is being spent buying new chairs!
At the end of the show, I was sat in my garden drinking beer. We watched at the caretaker swept up the mess from the floor before we called him over.
Campbell: Do you believe in God, Roger?
Roger The Caretaker: Oooh, oi don’t think it’s moi place to question what lurks beyond this mortal coil, Mr. Campbell. Oi just clean up litter and await moi judgment.
Campbell: Yeah, but surely you must believe in something.
Roger: Well, oi do have certain beliefs but…since moi Hetty left, oi don’t really ‘ave anyone to talk to them about so oi just bottle it up insoide…
Campbell: I’d like to hear them, if you would be so kind.
Roger: …well, it’s nothing really…
Campbell: Nonsense, tell me.
Roger: ….welll…welll…okay. Oi believe that when oi die – when moi life is taken from me and oi leave this place…that a thousand transvestites will meet me at the gates of heaven, and pay good money to suck moi Penis.
There’s a nervous silence.
Campbell: Hetty left you, you say?
Roger: Yeah…oi wouldn’t let ‘er watch Trisha…that’s trash TV, that is!
The following morning, we all gathered in my dining room for the regular meeting of the minds. It all went pretty smoothly, with only one noteworthy item to mention…
Campbell: I don’t think it will get over.
Malone: Of COURSE it will…
Campbell: Malone, it WON’T…I never thought I’d have to say this to you again, but you are NOT going to be “Jamie-Jay The Wrestling Ice Cream Man”
Malone: Oh COME ON!! Kids love wrestling…and everyone loves Ice Cream!!
Sophie (eating Ice Cream): I love Ice Cream.
Crazy Sexy Mike: I love Ice Cream too.
Flying Dragon: Ice Cream good…
Campbell: Shut up will you!! Look, Malone…don’t take it personally, but it just won’t work. Besides, you can’t wrestle.
Malone: Neither can Darren.
Darren Von Darren: SHUT YOU FOOKIN MOWTH, BITCH!
Campbell: Sorry Malone…but you get Vetoed this time.
Laughing Larry: HE JUST GOT PWNED AS WELL!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
Malone: Pwned?
Campbell: It’s a joke that will appeal to a tiny majority of Internet geeks…the ones that spend hours on end writing fantasy promotions instead of going out and getting laid.
Dick Koloff: I think Syco got laid last week.
Malone: No, that was PAID!
Dick Koloff: There are currently no unhappy workers.
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Pretty Good Wrestling present… PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!!
Malone’s Mom: Ladies and gentlemen…at this time may I recognize…The Donkey!!
The crowd roared at the mention of PGW’s favourite mule. This week, by popular demand…donkey was wearing a pancho with the words “hugobomb’s WCW: I give him 3 days”. He’s also wearing a cowboy hat and is smoking a cigar.
Malone’s Mom: We’d like to thank everybody for turning up for another fantastic instalment of PGW action! And, as a special treat for you tonight…
Campbell (on commentary): STRIPTEASE!!!!!
Malone’s Mom: Here’s The All-Starrrrssss….
The crowd goes quiet as the attention turns to the top of the garden, where the Donkey-Fucking All-Stars are set up. Drippy takes the microphone.
Drippy: Tonight…we’re gonna play a new song of ours…and it’s called “Crapping In Your Eye”…we hope you like it!
The song lasts a minute and a half, and it’s Drippy shouting over and over “I’m gonna crap in your eye if you’ll never be mine” , accompanied by all sorts of loud noises. The song ends with a single “ting” on the triangle.
The All-Star’s groupies (who are a selection of skanky biker chicks) are screaming like crazy, whilst everyone else politely applauds. The All-Stars wrap up and leave – although there is a funny moment when Scummer tries to start a fight with the donkey and the donkey stubs his cigar out on Scummer’s shirt.
The show got rolling with heavy jungle music pumping, and Darren Von Darren’s pimped-up Vauxhall Nova chugged into view. The crowd really got on his case as he stood, leaning on the car, with a microphone. He ran down the crowd before making an announcement.
Darren Von Darren: Now tonight, as all you fookers know, I’m gonna win the title and kick that dipshit – Crazy Sexy Mike – into fooking ‘ell!! But tonight, we are gonna have a double laff because…I’ve broughts me mate with me. He’s gonna be knocking people’s teeth in and shagging birds just like me. This guys not just my friend…he’s like my fookin’ brova, and if my dad had banged his mom without a Jonny on when he did, we would be…ladies and gentlemen…the Sig Masta!!
From the drivers seat emerges a big built, slightly overweight guy. He’s wearing a burberry cap, a “Phat Bastard” hoody and blue jeans. He lights a fag and swears at the crowd. He and Darren high five and they get back in the car.
Overall rating: 39%
The Jungle music has died down, and some rocky Japanese music kicks in. Yung Longtime leads American Beetle to the ring to a positive reaction. Longtime and Beetle enter the ring and Longtime takes the microphone. Beetle begins doing a Brock-Lesnar style shuffle.
Yung Longtime: We are here tonight for you people…for…one…reason. American Beetle wants to prove himself to a superstar in this company. He will prove that fighting isn’t just about destroying models…and it is about courage and honour. Who will take his challenge?
Almost to the SECOND she said that, Flying Dragon made his usual death-defying leap-from-nowhere entrance and landed in the ring. Dragon and Beetle go nose to nose and the referee calls for the bell to be rung. The crowd give a cheer as the two begin to circle one another.
Overall rating: 43%
Flying Dragon vs. American Beetle
Yung Longtime joins Tom Campbell and Laughing Larry at the commentary table and talks up her athlete. In the ring, the two exchange some grappling techniques and headlocks to healthy response. The first big strike comes from Dragon, who nails Beetle with a Running Enziguri for a near fall.
Dragon uses some fast kicks and springboard offense to keep Beetle down, but Beetle makes a comeback when he catches Dragon from a Cross Body and throws him out of the ring. American Beetle takes control with a DDT, a Spinning Leglock and a Top Rope Splash.
Beetle looks ready to finish off Dragon. However, as Beetle runs for the Presidential Pounce, Dragon nails him with a Shining Wizard kick!! The crowd are cheering as Dragon goes to the top and hits the Dragonator for the win!
After the match, the two men shake hands in a true display of showmanship…that is halted when Mr. Boombastic puts an appearance in…
Your Winner: Flying Dragon
Overall rating: 29%
Mr. Boombastic charges from the crowd and hits both men in the back of the head. Boombastic picks up Flying Dragon and plants him wit h the Boombastic Smasher! Boombastic then grabs the microphone.
Mr. Boombastic: Hey, it wasn’t me!! HAHAHA!!
The crowd boo Boombastic relentlessly.
Mr. Boombastic: But in allll seriousness ladeez and gentlemen…I gotta be asking…what the Hell is this thing in my ring right now? Huh? It looks like somebody took a red, white and blue shit!!
Boombastic kicks at American Beetle as Yung Longtime looks on helplessly.
Mr. Boombastic: I mean…you cannot compare dis insect…ha, ha…you get it? Insect? You cannot compare dis insect…to de man that lights up your Saturday night by being oh so fantastic…and always being Meezta Roww…rowww…mmmmantic!!?
The crowd boo as he continues to stomp on American Beetle, eventually kicking him out of the ring and to the floor. As he does, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle makes his way to the ring to check on his fallen partner.
Mr. Boombastic: ‘Ey, ‘Ey, ‘Ey…would you look at dis now? First, we have de Red, White and Blue shit…now…we got ourselves a can of Dog Food wid leeeegs…
Chicken Noodle rolls into the ring and stares down Boombastic.
Mr. Boombastic: What you gonna do, Dog Food man? Huh? You gonna hit me wid ya marabooooone jeelllyy?? Huh? I tell you what? You wanna prove you is full of fitness and vitality? Let’s go right now…ref, ring da bell, bo…dis guy’s gonna go dowwwwn…toooowww-
Boombastic didn’t finish, as Chicken Noodle slugged him to kick off another match!!
Overall rating 24%
Mr. Boombastic vs. Chicken Noodle
The crowd were going crazy for this one. Chicken Noodle unloaded on Boombastic with some heavy duty right hands, beating him into the corner and ramming him with his knee – Mick Foley style.
Although Chicken Noodle over-powered Boombastic most of the way through this, Boombastic turned the tide quickly with an Elbow Smash. Boombastic dominated, although looked a little lost wrestling a can, for a while until Chicken Noodle attempted a comeback.
It was brief, however…as Chicken Noodle attempted to lock on the Chicken Bone choke, Boombastic blasted him with a low blow and a Boombastic Blaster for the one, two, three!!
Your Winner: Mr. Boombastic
Overall rating 17%
Boombastic continued stomping on Kung Fu Chicken Noodle until he rolled out of the ring. Boombastic took the microphone again.
Mr. Boombastic: Oh Dog Food Man…as I always say…to be a true playa, got to now how ta play? Meesa say your night come meesa say your day!! Dog Food and Red, White and Blue shit got not’ing on Mista Roow…rooowwww…mmmantic!! So, now I’m all warmed up…how about an open challenge, Boombastic styl-ee!!? Any takers now?
As Boombastic threw down the microphone, American Dragon dived into the ring from behind him and floored him with a Dropkick…kicking off ANOTHER impromptu affair!!
Overall rating 37%
Flying Dragon vs. Mr. Boombastic
Dragon took over at the start, similar to how Chicken Noodle got the upper hand on Boombastic. Dragon used a trifecta of Dragon Screws before applying a Leglock to almost get an early submission.
After dominating for a while, Boombastic struck back by Clotheslining Dragon as he came off the ropes. Boombastic worked over Dragon’s leg for this time, almost trying to break it. When he felt enough had been done he applied a Sharpshooter.
Dragon managed to fight out of it and faught back on one leg. However, he didn’t last long as Boombastic ducked a Dropkick and nailed the Boombastic Blaster once again and scored another victory.
After this match, sporting a shiner from a kick he sustained, Boombastic knew when to leave. Now, walking straight past the microphone, he powdered to the back. The fans applauded Flying Dragon before he left…
Your Winner: Mr. Boombastic
Overall rating 45%
Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship
Crazy Sexy Mike def. Darren Von Darren
The crowd started chanting “BLORG" the minute the match kicked off, confusing the champion. As he stared in disbelief at the crowd, Von Darren attacked (everyone’s been jumping everyone tonight…) and hit a Neckbreaker, Clothesline and Piledriver for near falls.
The champion fought back, yet was constantly distracted by Sig Masta, who lurked at ringside. Eventually, the referee had enough and ejected Siggy from ringside. Von Darren wasn’t pleased, and threatened to beat the referee’s, quote “fooking head in”. This gave Mike a chance to recover and hit several moves to give him two counts on the challenger.
However, soon after, the referee got knocked down when a Flying Elbow went astray. Sig Masta charged to the ring while the referee was down, holding the BLING OF DOOM!! Darren held him and Siggy blasted him with the bling. The referee eventually came around, but Mike managed to kick out!! Siggy attacked the ref from behind and tried the BLING OF DOOM once again. This time, Mike ducked and floored Siggy with a Neckbreaker.
Mike now took possesion of the BLING OF DOOM. He blasted Siggy and blasted Von Darren before climbing up to the top and hitting the Crazy Sexy Sault. The referee came round and counted the three for the popular win!
Mike headed to the back, holding his title, as Darren ranted and raved to Sig Masta about being cheated.
Your Winner: Crazy Sexy Mike
Overall rating: 43%
----------------------------------------------------------------
SHOW ANALYSIS
Rating: 34%
Best Match: Mr. Boombastic vs. Flying Dragon
Worst Match: Mr. Boombastic vs. Kung Fu Chicken Noodle
How weird??
Best segment: Yung Longtime’s invitational (43%)
Worst segment: Mr. Boombastic insulting Chicken Noodle (24%)
-
I got a phone call from Malone late last night. It was whilst I was watching GAEA as well and NOBODY interrupts my GAEA!! I can’t believe Toyota is a 5-time Womens World Champion!! That barbed wire match she had with Mother-In-Law in FMW ruled!!
But I’m drifting from the point! Malone told me to come round his house right away to meet some people. The last time he did this, it was what he called “a gaggle of Tramps”
They were pretty cool I guess…but apparantly, these guys were cooler than the Gaggle of Tramps.
I got to Malone’s house and heard a loud banging drum-noise mixed in with some extremely crazy guitar-riffs. Add to the pollution some guy screaming…not sure what he was screaming, but I made out “Fucking Face off”.
Malone: Tom, you made it…let me introduce you.
Five guys stopped playing and smiled at Campbell in a freaky way.
Malone: This is Drippy on vocals.
Campbell shook Drippy’s hand.
Malone: This is SkullShit on guitar.
Another handshake.
Malone: This is Flange on Drums.
Campbell shook Flange’s hand.
Malone: This is Scummer on Bass Guitar.
Campbell shook Scummer’s hand.
Malone: And this is Ken on the Triangle.
Ken, wearing a nice pin-stripe suit, smiled and shook hands.
Malone: They are collectively known as The Donkey Fucking All-Stars. They are PGW’s in-house BAND!! What do you think?
Campbell looks confused for a moment or two.
Campbell: I think…you’re…pretty mad! You’re gonna have to sell me this a little more, because I’m not buying right now.
Malone: I’m thinking this is gonna cement our status as a hardcore wrestling group.
Campbell: Since WHEN were we looking to become a hardcore wrestling group.
Malone: Well, we’re in a Back Yard…
Campbell: Yeah, because my FECKING LEASE FOR THE ARROWHEAD FECKING POND IS STILL PENDING!!!!!! WE’RE BACKYARD NOT BY LIFESTYLE, BUT BECAUSE WE’VE GOT NOOOO MONEYY!!! AND HOW IS HAVING A BAND GOING TO HELP OUR ALREADY DWINDLING FINANCES!!?
Flange: We’ve got groupies.
Campbell: Really?
Ken: Indeed we have…an assortment of females baying for our bodies.
SkullShit: They don’t want mine!
Campbell: I don’t think you could give yours away, mate!
SkullShit lunges for Campbell, but the others hold him back.
Scummer: You ‘ave to be nice to SkullShit, Mr. Campbell…he don’t like people taking the Michael atta ‘im!
Flange: The way we see it is, if we play a gig at one of your shows, we can pass on the info through our website and drum you up some supporters.
Campbell: And I guess I’d speak to Ken here about the website, right?
Ken: Oh Lord no, I know nothing about that internet malarky…you want to speak to SkullShit!
Campbell looks at SkullShit, now drooling slightly.
Campbell: …oh right. Silly…me…
Malone: So what do you say Tonto? ONE show!?
Campbell: Okay…you guys get one show, see how you do…on ONE condition…
Flange: What’s that?
Campbell: I refuse to announce you guys as the Donkey Fucking All-Stars…
Flange: Okay…how about the Pig-Fucking All-Stars?
Campbell: No!
Flange: Pig-Shagging?
Campbell: How about just the All-Stars? Compromise?
Ken: Well, we believe that the first part of the name is rather crucial. Donkey Fucking…has a sort of hard-edge yet romantic feel to it…
Campbell: I see your point, but this sketch is getting tedious and we need to cut to the signature…
Malone: Yeah, your Flair/Rhodes sig is really cool!!
Campbell: Enjoy it and shut up! I’m off to watch GAEA!!
-
A slight improvement on last weeks showing…
…1 person paid!!!
One!!
I actually met the guy who paid. Nice enough…bit dribbly. Works in the local shop. Ended up stealing three chairs. I know they’re ours. He’s selling them in his shop. I refuse to buy them back out of principle!
We held another meeting in my dining room the following day. People are starting to be a bit more friendly…it’s as if we were a family…
Darren: So, is you gonna hire my mate Campbell, you TWAT!!
Campbell: I’m bringing him in next week – and we’ll see how he does.
Darren: Sound! Sound!
Campbell: As I was saying, I’d like to congratulate everyone on a great show. In fact, it was our best show to date.
Malone: It was our second show to date.
Campbell: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU MALONE? YOU TRYING TO KILL THE FRICKING MORALE AROUND HERE!!
Dick Koloff: Currently, there are no unhappy –
Campbell: Shut up, Dick! You say that every week!!
Larry: BAHAHAHAAAHAAHAA!! DICK!!!!
Campbell: Anyway, I have high hopes for next weeks show…headlined by Darren vs. Mike! Sophie, anything else we need to discuss.
Sophie (eating a Mars Bar): Yeah…erm…we may benefit from more experienced workers.
Campbell: What, like old wrestlers.
CSM: LET’S BRING IN RIC FLAIR!!
Campbell: Mike, we can’t…this isn’t some fantasy wrestling diary or anything.
Malone: Well, now that you-
Campbell: SHUT UP!! Dick, any suggestions?
Dick Koloff: It’s rumoured that Hardcore Holly is coming to the end of his contract…
Campbell: No, not that prick! Besides, apparantly he smells…
Dick Koloff: Homeless Jimmy is currently unemployed and has talent.
Mr. Boombastic: But if he has talent, why is he unemployed?
Campbell: That’s true..and besides, he really is homeless you know!!
Dick Koloff: Al Magz is currently unemployed and-
Campbell: AND IS A CROCK OF SHIT!! MOVE ON!!
Dick Koloff: Low Ryda is currently unemployed an-
Campbell: Low Ryda…who?
Campbell: ….rrrright….I’ll keep him in mind definitely?
Malone: Wow…Burger King sponsored you too??
Sophie happily nods as eats another Mars Bar.
-
Pretty Good Wrestling present… PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!!
Malone’s Mom gets a loud cheer from the audience as she circles the ring and takes the microphone.
Malone’s Mom: Ladies and gentlemen…at this time…may I recognize…THE DONKEY!!
The crowd cheer like crazy. The donkey this week is wearing a sombrero and has “Read Whacked Out Wrestling cos this is shit” painted on his side.
The show starts with Mr. Boombastic. He makes his way out to a lot of jeers from the crowd, but on the plus side he’s upgraded his jambox. He didn’t really have a choice, as he smashed his last one of Crazy Sexy Mike’s head! With “Mr. Boombastic” blaring, the man himself climbs into the ring and takes the microphone. He talks about what went down last week and what’s going to happen tonight.
Mr. Boombastic: And I know what’s gonna go down-town, tonight…cos I’m takin’ on dat Crazy Sexy Mike once again. We danced down to da ground last week, but dis week is-a gonna be different! Dis week, it’s gonna be Mista roowww-rowwww…mmmmantic…who walks away wid dat belt!
The crowd are getting onto him, starting a “You are ginger <clap – clap – clap – clap>” chant, which visibly upsets him.
Mr. Boombastic: You playa haters in the crowd need to learn respect for me! Because I’m the man wid no time to lose, and not’ing to prove. So, Crazy Mike…let’s not wait til later…and let’s rrraapp dowwwnn nooowww…
Boombastic throws the microphone down and waits for Crazy Sexy Mike. CSM appears from behind the donkey, and charges into the ring behind Boombastic. As Boombastic turns around, CSM rains down on him with hard right hands as the crowd cheer like crazy. CSM Clotheslines Boombastic all the way to the floor, and Boombastic gathers up his jambox and stumbles away. CSM grabs the microphone.
Crazy Sexy Mike: BOOMBASTIC!! YOU’VE SEEN THE SEXY SIDE…NOW PREPARE FOR THE CRAZY SIDE!! BLOOOOORRRGG!!!!!!
The crowd cheer for CSM…there’s that Blorg thing again though! Mike waves the belt around before leaving the ring.
Overall rating: 43%
The ring is empty again and the crowd are talking amongst themselves. Then, an unknown woman makes her way to the ring. She looks to be from Japanese descent. I say that because on the back of her T-Shirt it says “I’m From Japanese Descent”, so I kinda put two-and-two together there! She doesn’t make much eye contact with the crowd, as she climbs into the ring and takes the microphone.
??: Good evening, fans of Pretty Good Wrestling. You don’t know who I am, so I will tell you. My name is Yung Longtime, and I am here to represent two of the biggest stars in the small company.
The crowd give a mixed response, but you can hear Laughing Larry still chuckling over the name “Yung Longtime”.
Longtime: Tonight, you will see American Beetle versus Kung Fu Chicken Noodle in a Battel With Respect. Whatever the outcome, these two will move on and take on every comer in this company, and I will manage them to success.
Longtime steps out of the ring and joins Campbell and Laughing Larry at the commentary table.
Battel With Respect
American Beetle vs. Kung Fu Chicken Noodle
This match is a little step higher than their previous encounter. No more buildings in the ring, and they do attempt some basic wrestling (although it’s hard to do a collar and elbow tie up with a can of Chicken Noodles). Yung Longtime explained on commentary how she was teaching them “Westerm Ways” by watching old World Of Sport tapes.
Anyway, after a fair bit of technical excellence, it’s halted as American Bettle begins nailing Chicken Noodle with hard rights and left. Noodle fights back with some punches of his own before driving him into the corner and squashing him.
With the heavy moves coming out, Yung Longtime leaves the announce table, reaches under the ring and pulls out a huge cardboard cityscape. She rolls it into the ring and the fight REALLY begins, much to the delight of the crowd. After several shots with cardboard buildings, the contest ends when American Beetle hits the Presidential Pounce and drives Chicken Noodle into the cardboard nightmare!! American Beetle picks up the win.
Longtime enters the ring as the two shake hands, and she holds up both their hands and takes the microphone once more.
Longtime: Mark my words…Kaiju is here to stay…American Beetle and Kung Fu Chicken Noodle will love you and fight you…Long…time!!
The crowd cheer for the trio as they leave the ringside area. The Japanese photographers were, once again, all over this match. Before he leaves, American Beetle goes and says something Japanese to the camera crew which cause them to start cheering and dancing like crazy…not sure what he said!
Your Winner: American Beetle by Pinfall
Overall rating: 11%
The quiet is broken again. This time by Jungle music booming out of Darren Von Darren’s Vauxhall Nova! The crowd boo like crazy as Darren arrives wearing the BLING OF DOOM we saw last week. Darren grabs a microphone and begins to run down the audience before making an announcement.
Von Darren: I’m not happy with the fookers backstage in this shit! They’ve not even booked me a match for fook’s sake! So tonight, I’m ‘ere for two things, look. I’m here to challenge the Champion of this place for the belt I SHOULD ‘AVE FOOKIN’ WON!! NOT THAT QUEER FOOKER MIKE!! Secondly, I is ‘ere to “spectate”…moi brother learned me that word…it means…to fookin’…watch…and that’s what I’m gonna do!
Darren drops the microphone and finds a seat in the crowd. As he does, Flying Dragon jumps from the roof and lands in the seat next to him with amazing agility. The crowd cheer like mad for another amazing Flying Dragon entrance. As soon as Darren notices, he panics and tries to leave. But Flying Dragon is having none of it, and he kicks him hard in the head that knocks his cap off. Dragon throws Darren into the ring and takes the microphone.
Dragon: YOO VANT MATCH, YOO STUPID PIKEY FUKKA!? YOO HAV MATCH!! WRING BELL!!
Dragon never was a talker…
Overall rating 45%
Flying Dragon vs. Darren Von Darren
This match was a cut below their previous effort, but they still tried hard. Dragon dominated pretty much the entire match with hard kicks and springboard moves. No duffed spots this week, which was good.
Von Darren made his comeback on Dragon when Dragon missed with a Dropkick and landed badly on his leg. Von Darren battered his leg with forearms and knee smashes – even taking off his bling and cracking it over his leg. With Flying Dragon on one leg, Von Darren locked in an ankle lock.
Flying Dragon faught out of it, and kept Von Darren at bay with some punches and a Hurricanrana. Just as Flying Dragon had it all in hand again, Von Darren produces the BLING OF DOOM and blasted him in the head with it. The referee counted three and Darren was declared the winner.
Your Winner: Darren Von Darren by Pinfall
Overall Rating 39%
Darren grabbed the microphone once again.
Von Darren: You shouldn’t be messin’ wiv me, you fokker!! I just fokked you up, but I tell you what…I’m in the mood for it now…ref…ring the fookin bell and I’ll beat this fookin Chinky once again!
The ref, feeling threatened, rang the bell and the rematch started.
Flying Dragon vs. Darren Von Darren – Part Deux
One of the photographers took offense to the Chinky references, and began arguing with Von Darren. Von Darren went to grab one, and he cracked him with his camera. As Darren staggered back, Dragon picked up the BLING OF DOOM and smashed it over his head. Dragon made the cover and got the three to a huge ovation!
Flying Dragon helped the dazed photographer back to his seat before leaving the victor…of sorts.
Your Winner: Flying Dragon by Pinfall
Overall rating 42%
It’s main event time, and we throw it to Malone’s Mom! The crowd begin whistling and cat-calling. I, of course, get them singing “Malone’s Mom Has Got It Going On", whilst Laughing Larry laughs away. Malone still looks disgusted on the sidelines.
Mr. Boombastic is introduced and he makes his way out, the crowd booing like crazy! He’s really getting heat from these fans. Some guy aimed a brick at his head…lucky thing it missed. And that was his DAD for crying out loud, that’s how HEEL THIS GUY IS (exit hyperbole)
Crazy Sexy Mike makes his way out, and as he reaches the commentators position, he stops.
Campbell: Crazy Sexy Mike’s stopping…looks like he’s got something to say.
CSM takes Laughing Larry’s headset.
Crazy Sexy Mike: Darren Von Darren…here’s how it goes down. Once I’ve finished getting crazy with ginger pubes here…I’m coming for you. Next week, title or no title, we’re hooking up, BLOORRG!!
CSM walks away from the table and into the ring. As he enters, Boombastic attacks!!
Overall rating 44%
Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship
Crazy Sexy Mike © vs. Mr. Boombastic
Boombastic is brawling with Mike in the ring until both men spill out of the ring, courtesy of a Cactus Clothesline! They fight back and fourth through the crowd, and in a shocking moment, into the shed! The crowd hush as the shed door closes behind them. Suddenly, Mr. Boombastic comes flying through the shed door. Mike appears moments later, holding a shovel, as the crowd cheer.
After a battering with a shovel, Boombastic is rolled into the ring and gives himself time to breathe when he low blows the Crazy Sexy One. Boombastic takes control with multiple Legdrops and a Superplex. When he can’t get the three with conventional moves, he goes for plan B.
Boombastic grabs his Jambox and prepares to swing. He swings and Mike manages to do a Matrix duck and avoid it. Mike forces him to drop it and levels him with a DDT before going up and hitting the Crazy Sexy ‘Sault for the popular victory!
Crazy Sexy Mike celebrates with his fans at ringside. Everyone’s chanting “Blorg”, but Mike looks dumbfounded as to why they’re doing it. Everyone goes home happy!
Except Boombastic, who goes home in pain.
And Darren, because he doesn’t have a home…just his car.
Your Winner: Crazy Sexy Mike
Overall rating 37%
------------------------
Show Analysis
14/08/04
Overall rating: 36%
Best Match: Darren Von Darren vs. Flying Dragon (42%)
Worst Match: Kung Fu Chicken Noodle vs. American Beetle (11%)
(Looks familiar!!)
Best Segment: Darren Von Darren and Flying Dragon (45%)
Worst Segment: Yung Longtime's debut (34%)
Still pretty high for the Worst Segment!
-
It’s Saturday again, and my garden is buzzing. Again, lots of people here without paying…hopefully this week we’ll get some REAL fans, not just relatives and friends. Perhaps I should make the friends pay…
Campbell: Don’t worry about ring announcing tonight, mate.
Malone: Why not?
Campbell: I’ve found someone who’ll do it for us…and for free.
Malone: Wow…who’s that?
Malone’s Mom: Hi, Jamie sweetheart!
Campbell: Oh, you already know her…
Campbell winks at Malone. Malone pulls an angry face and storms off. Malone’s Mom comes over to speak to Campbell.
Campbell: What’s up with old moody-pants tonight, Diane.
Malone’s Mom: I don’t know…but can you call me Malone’s Mom instead.
Campbell: Sure can, Malone’s Mom.
Malone (from a distance): I HATE YOU!!!
-
Myself and Malone have put together a teaser for the forthcoming event:
Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship
CRAZY SEXY MIKE defending against MR. BOOMBASTIC
Kaiju Battel For Respect
AMERICAN BEETLE vs. KUNG FU CHICKEN NOODLE
And much more!! Come along, don’t be shy – bring your nans!!
Look, with six wrestlers and four matches to fill, we have to leave SOMETHING for people to think about!
After last Saturday’s disasterous attendence, I decided that we may be heading for a slight financial – erm – difficulty. So, I headed to my local bank to sort out a loan.
Thankfully, I’m with the Carlsberg Bank of England!!
Bank Manager – Renault Coolguy: Tom!!
Campbell: Renault!
Hugs and handshakes all round. Renault takes me into his office and pours me a pint of Carlsburg!
Coolguy: So how can I help?
As I start talking, a woman comes over and gives me a back massage.
Campbell: Well, I’m running a backyard wrestling company.
Coolguy: How much do you need?
Campbell: About 750,000
Coolguy nods his head, and £1million appears from a hole in the table in front of me.
Coolguy: Take a million…and pay it back in instalments.
Campbell: Don’t you mean “Pay it back when you can?”
Coolguy: No, that’s just stupid. Have a good day now.
Carlsberg don't write diaries...but if they did, they'd probably be the best diaries in the world!!
Now that income is (vaguely) sorted, I decided to carry out Malone’s master plan for our Kaiju superstars.
You’re going to have to wait til the results are up to find out what’s going on…NYAHA!!
-
..
Campbell: NOBODY PAID!!??
Sophie: Nobody…
Campbell: But…but…there were about 60 people in my garden for the show…are you telling me NOBODY PAID!?
Sophie: Well, most of the people there were family and friends so you let them in for free…and I guess some people just snuck in!
Campbell: So what does this mean for our profit?
Sophie: Well…we won’t have one...
I couldn’t believe it…NOBODY paid to see the show! Do I look like a charity, here? At least Sophie could calm me down. She offered me some cake, but I politely declined…I wasn’t feeling too hungry.
But on the plus side, most of the show was pretty well received, and I’m looking forward to our first staff meeting tomorrow, see how everyone thought the show went.
In fact, I think I’ll jump to tomorrow now…
TOMORROW…well, Today, I suppose…
Everyone is gathered in my dining room…I have a long dining room table, you see. Seats about 10 people…so some were sat cross legged on the floor. I was at the head, Malone at the other end. Sophie was on my left, eating her third turkey sandwich of the morning, and Crazy Sexy Mike was on my right, drumming his fingers on the table like a madman.
Mr. Boombastic was next to him, showing off his new dreadlocked hair (ala Shaggy), and next to him was Dick Koloff, my writer – and then Laughing Larry, my commentator. On the other side was American Beetle, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, Darren Von Darren and the Flying Dragon. Darren was talking to Dragon about “Some bird ‘e Shagged last night after the show, look”. Billy the production guy, the referee and the medical person (wish I knew their names) were sat on the floor.
Campbell: Okay, ladies and gentlemen…I hope we all enjoyed last nights festivities. First on the agenda, Sophie’s got some notes from last night…Sophie, if you wouldn’t mind…
Sophie (finishing her sandwich): Yeah, okay…first of all, the crowd didn’t really get into Kung Fu Chicken Noodle and American Beetle. I believed you may have over-used them.
Campbell: Point taken, and on that subject…Mister, erm…Beetle. Can I ask where you decided to get the idea to cut a promo in Japanese…whereby the majority of the audience are English?
American Beetle: Yeah…I, erm…kinda meant to mention that to you, boss. You see, I have a nervous disorder…
Campbell: riiigghht…
American Beetle: So…when I have to cut a promo, I go Japanese.
The whole table is quiet.
Campbell: Oooo-kay…I would’ve liked to have known that before. I was hoping to build a feud around you and Chicken Noodle…but I guess you’ll be our promo guy now, Mr. Kung Fu.
Chicken Noodle: ‘fraid not, boss.
Campbell: Why not!?
Chicken Noodle: I got no Charisma.
Another silent moment at the table.
Campbell: Wh-…wha-….what do you MEAN?
Chicken Noodle: Read my profile on EWR…
Campbell: Oh CRAP!!! And I – hey…shit, I forgot to make you a face and not a Tweener! And why has your morale dropped? You not happy?
Dick Koloff: There are no unhappy workers at this time.
Laughing Larry: HAHAHAHAAA!!! DICK!!!!
Dick Koloff: Shut up!
Campbell: Okay, okay, no worries…I’ll think of something.
Malone: I have a plan, Tom!
Campbell: Brilliant! Explain it when the cameras are off! It’ll make people want to read the results instead of the backstory.
Malone: Yeah, but the backstory’s a hell of a lot funnier!
Campbell: ANY MORE ITEMS, SOPHIE!!?
Sophie (taking another bite of a new turkey sandwich): Yeah, Darren Von Darren didn’t think he clicked with Flying Dragon.
Darren Von Darren: It’s just tha’…well…he’s a fookin’ foreigner, innit? I’ve got a mate I’d like to work with…his fookin’ hard, and wants a job to get ‘im off the dole.
Campbell: If I wanted people to hire their friends to run the company into the ground I’d hire Hulk Hogan and Ed Leslie.
Darren Von Darren: But Brutus Beefcake was WELL GOOD!!
Campbell: Okay, whatever. So we’ll have to find new opponents for you guys that’s fine!
Malone: I have something I’d like to bring up.
Campbell: If you’re going to bitch about you mom, I’m-
Malone: No, no, nothing to do with that…but we’ll talk about that another time. Erm, Crazy, Sexy Mike?
CSM: Yeah…
Malone: …BLORG!?
CSM: Come again?
Malone: …BLORG!?
CSM: What’s he on about, guys?
Campbell: He’s addressing why you decided your post-match speech consisted of you shouting “BLORG”?
CSM: What? When did I say Blorg?
Campbell: AT THE END OF YOUR MATCH!
CSM: I remember saying “Thank You all!”…where did you get BLORG from!?
Malone: You said “Blorg!” Didn’t he say Blorg!!?
The table agrees.
CSM: Well, I think you’re all mad! I said “Thank You all!” I don’t know what you guys were watching!
Campbell: Okay, meeting adjurned…this is hurting my head. Before we go, we need to quickly talk about feuds. Now, I’d really like to do a programme with Mike and Mr. Boombastic and see how that goes.
Boombastic: I’m up for that, mate!
Campbell: I thought you were Jamaican?
Boombastic: Ohh…I mean…DAT WOULD BE I-REEN, BO!!!
Another silence.
Campbell: Okay, I’ll run some more stuff with you guys next week and see how it goes. As for the rest of you, be prepared to be mixed around until I find something that sticks…meeting adjurned.
Darren Von Darren: Does you wants the number of me mate, Mr. Campbell?
Campbell: I tell you what…write it down and I PROMISE to look at it soon.
Darren Von Darren: Nice one…anyone got any fags I can crash?
-
Pretty Good Wrestling present… PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!!
Malone kicks off the show in the ring, getting the spectators warmed up.
Malone: At this time…may I recognize…ladies and gentlemen…THE DONKEY!!
The crowd go wild for the donkey, who is chewing grass near the ring.
As Malone starts to run down the card for the evening, some Jungle music kicks in from what sounds like a car stereo. The crowd turn to see what’s going on and we see a banged-up Vauxhall Nova pulling into the garden. With the music still blaring, out steps Darren Von Darren.
All blinged up, wearing an out-of-date Manchester United top and a burberry cap, Darren lights up a cigarette and walks to the ring. The crowd boo him like crazy as he snatches the microphone from Malone.
Darren then proceeds to shout into the microphone and insult the audience.
Von Darren: I fookin’ turn up ‘ere tonight, spendin’ ten quid on petrol and you all fookin’ boo me!! Well, tonight, just to piss you slags off, I’m gonna be the Vanilla Ice Memorial Champ and take it to Ibiza with me when I’s goes on me holiday!
Von Darren continues like this, making fun of the Donkey and threatening to punch it.
This is halted by The Flying Dragon – who jumps from the roof of my house and rolls into the ring – this time breaking no bones! The crowd are stunned silent. Darren looks unimpressed.
Von Darren: What the fook you lookin’ at, you chinky bastard?
As Von Darren gets closer, Flying Dragon swings a roundhouse kick that knocks Darren’s cap off! The crowd begin cheering like crazy and Darren looks like he’s soiled himself.
Von Darren: Fook this and fook you, I’m not fooking fighting you til later, mate!
Darren quickly slides out of the ring and to the safety of his car. The crowd are cheering for The Ninja Dragon as he stares down Von Darren.
(Von Darren and The Ninja Dragon gained overness from this segment)
(Von Darren’s “Redneck” gimmick got a positive response)
(The Ninja Dragon’s “Foreign Star” gimmick got a positive response)
Overall rating: 32%
AMERICAN BEETLE vs. KUNG FU CHICKEN NOODLE
Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship Tournament Match
These two knew each other from Kaiju and succeeded…in baffeling the audience!!
Before the match started, the referee began setting up a model city in the ring. This is apparantly Kaiju tradition, and American Beetle and KFCN were lost in the ring without this setup. The match started and…I was pretty baffled by the whole thing.
They didn’t lay a hand on each other for the first couple of minutes and were merely throwing these model buildings at one another. When they ran out of buildings they began punching each other until American Beetle took the lead when he found another building and broke it over KFCN’s head.
The match came to a (thankful) conclusion when American Dragon missed a lariat and KFCN locked in the Chicken Bone Choke for the submission victory. At the end, both men shook hands, and the crowd (sort of) cheered them.
Not really the best match to start PGW…I now fear for KFCN in the main event!
Your Winner: Kung Fu Chicken Noodle by Submission
(American Beetle’s “All-American” gimmick got a positive response)
(Kung Fu Chicken Noodle’s “Hero” gimmick got a positive response)
Overall rating: 9%
Both combatants have left the ring together and the ring has been cleared of debris. Suddenly, we hear “Mr. Boombastic” by Shaggy blasting from a jambox. The man who calls himself “Mr. Boombastic” arrives to a mixed response. He’s wearing a black T-Shirt with the words “It Wasn’t Me” written on them. He’s a ginger-headed guy wearing sunglasses and desperately trying to look black. His carrying the jambox to the ring on his shoulder and giving a groovy walk.
Boombastic climbs into the ring and turns the jambox off. Boombastic introduces himself and gives his intentions.
Mr. Boombastic: What I am heeya to doo is to is rock all da fellas and love all da ladies in the audience. I’m also gonna be prooovin’ to dat pretendah, Crazy Sexy Mike, dat he can’t hold a candle to Mister Roooww…roowww…mmmmantic…really fantasstic…
Mr. Boombastic proceeds to sing a couple of lines from “Mr. Boombastic” before making his way to the back, now to more boos than cheers.
(Mr. Boombastic gained overness from this segment)
Overall rating: 31%
FLYING DRAGON vs. DARREN VON DARREN
Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship Tournament Match
Finally, some normal wrestling…to an extent.
DVD came to the ring with his “Missus”. The two had an argument before reaching the ring and he told her where to go and she left. DVD then put out his cigarette and Flying Dragon jumped him.
Flying Dragon dominated the match with some high flying offense. The Japanese photographers were going crazy for him as he did a number of rather crap looking planchas, moonsaults, and even totally arsed up a Dropkick and nearly broke Darrn’s neck. We know this by the way Darren shouted “You nearly broke my neck, you fooking Bellend!!” Such a well spoken young man.
DVD took over with some brawling tactics, even blatantly kicking Flying Dragon REALLY HARD in the nuts! When all looked doomed for Flying Dragon, he was able to avoid the Pikey’s Elbow and mount a comeback with a series of Dropkicks.
The end came when Flying Dragon missed a Cross Body and Darren dropped him with the Mush-Cakker (Rock Bottom) for the pin and the win. After the match, Darren lit another cigarette, swore at some kids in the crowd and left. As Flying Dragon got up, the crowd gave him a sizeable cheer.
Your Winner: Darren Von Darren by Pinfall
Overall rating: 43%
CRAZY SEXY MIKE vs. MR. BOOMBASTIC
Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship Tournament Match
Crazy Sexy Mike is really over with the crowd…possibly because the words “Cheer Mike” are painted on the donkey…and hey, if the donkey says do it – are you going to go against it?
He comes out to the Austin Powers theme, slapping hands all the way along and generally being crazy and sexy! Mr. Boombastic isn’t impressed and attacks Mike as he enters the ring.
Boombastic dominates CSM for the first part of the match with some heavy punches, mixed in with some hot stepping routines. Mike turns it around when he chop-blocks Boombastic in mid-strut! CSM levels Boombastic with some more punches and kicks (hey, they’re backyard wrestlers…if you want Flair/Steamboat, I suggest you try a WCW ’91 diary or something!) and even a rather neat Shoulder Block from the second rope!
Boombastic slows the pace with a sleeper hold, but CSM battles back and eventually floors Boombastic with a Piledriver, followed by a Crazy, Sexy ‘Sault (twisting moonsault) for the victory!
CSM walks back, head held high. Boombastic looks furious, shouting “I’m-a gonna get yahh, and you’ll wish I never met yaah” in a Jamaican accent. Hmmm…
(Crazy Sexy Mike’s “Old School Face” gimmick got a positive response)
Overall rating: 40%
Now the ring is empty again, American Beetle makes his way out to the ring once again. Nobody’s too interested, but the Japanese cameramen are going nuts! He doesn’t enter thing, but instead takes Malone’s microphone and raises his hand for silence. American Beetle walks over to the Japanese cameras and seems to be talking on the mic exlusively to THEM…in Japanese!! Isn’t this guy meant to be the American Beetle!?
Anyway, we’re told that he challenged Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle to a rematch next week, and respects him a lot. That’s nice, but it would’ve been better in English!
Overall rating: 4%
Malone re-enters the ring and begins an elaborate introduction for the main event. However, Campbell cuts him off by getting the whole crowd chanting “Malone’s Mom Has Got It Going On” (think of “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains Of Wayne). Malone is visibly getting annoyed by this, but Malone’s Mom is smiling and waving.
Malone: SHUT UP!!!!
The crowd goes quiet.
Malone: THAT’S MY MOM!!!
The crowd hushed for a moment, before starting again! Malone throws the microphone down and storms off. Campbell picks up the microphone and walks over to where Malone’s mom is sat.
Campbell: Ladies and gentlemen…the ring announcer for PGW’s main event…MALONE’S MOM!!
The crowd goes crazy and the Japanese photographers start taking pictures. Campbell hands Malone’s mom some post-it cards and she gets into the ring, the crowd still chanting the song.
Malone’s Mom proceeds to announce the main event, and introduces Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle and Darren Von Darren.
As both men stand in the ring, Crazy Sexy Mike’s music hits and CSM makes his way out to another strong response. As he gets halfway down the ramp, Mr. Boombastic reappears and cracks him over the head with his Jambox!!! The crowd really get on Boombastic’s case as he stands over CSM with a microphone.
Mr. Boombastic: Hey…before you say any-t’ing…it wasn’t me!! HAHAHHAHAA!!
Mr. Boombastic walks away laughing. He trips on a rock as he does and some people laugh at him. Meanwhile, Crazy Sexy Mike has been taken out!!
(Mr. Boombastic gained overness from this segment)
Overall rating: 33%
KUNG-FU CHICKEN NOODLE vs. DARREN VON DARREN vs. CRAZY SEXY MIKE??
Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship Tournament Final
With CSM seeking medical attention, DVD and Chicken Noodle start the match. Chicken Noodle is, at first, confused and concerned with the lack of cardboard buildings in the ring and he cowers in the corner. DVD moves in and begins thumping him and swearing at him. The crowd start to really get behind him, and eventually starts to fight, flailing his arms until he strikes Von Darren.
Von Darren powders out of the ring as Chicken Noodle is going crazy in the ring. Von Darren sees an opening and creeps into the ring and low blows Chicken Noodle! Von Darren takes over with some heavy strikes. He nails the Pikey’s Elbow, but Chicken Noodle kicks out.
Enraged, Darren bails and goes to his car. He reaches into the boot and pulls out…a HUGE GOLD CHAIN!! THE BLING OF DOOM!! Darren circles the dazed Chicken Noodle with the weapon. As he does, Crazy Sexy Mike charges to the ring from the house. Mike has a huge bandage across his head and the crowd are going crazy. He jumps into the ring and Clotheslines Von Darren to the canvas. Mike is all over Darren until Chicken Noodle comes over and starts beating on Mike. Chicken Noodle locks in the Chicken Bone Choke, but Mike eventually powers out of it and hits Chicken Noodle with a huge backdrop and he falls to the canvas.
Mike grabs a hold of Von Darren’s BLING OF DOOM and as Darren gets up, cracks him over the head with them!! CSM then goes to the top rope and hits the Crazy, Sexy, Sault for the 1…2…3!!! The crowd go wild and CSM is declared the winner.
Your Winner: Crazy Sexy Mike by Pinfall (NEW VIM Champion)
As Von Darren and Chicken Noodle leave the ring, CSM calls for the microphone…this is the first time this extremely popular guy has spoken on the microphone..
Crazy Sexy Mike: …BLOOOOORRRRRRRGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowd were confused for a moment, then one random guy starts cheering – so everyone else does!! Crazy Sexy Mike holds the belt aloft to end the first night of action in Pretty Good Wrestling history.
(Crazy Sexy Mike gained overness from this match)
(The Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship has gained in image)
Overall rating: 33%
------------------------
Show Analysis
07/08/04
Overall rating: 28%
Best Match: Darren Von Darren vs. Flying Dragon (43%)
Worst Match: Kung Fu Chicken Noodle vs. American Beetle (9%)
Best Segment: Mr. Boombastic attacks Crazy Sexy Mike (33%)
Worst Segment: American Beetle's challenge (4%)
-
Well, it’s the night of the first show and everything’s going pretty well. A lot of people have turned up…however, they fall into four categories:
a.) My family and friends
b.) Malone’s family (like he’d have friends)
c.) The wrestlers’ family and friends
d.) Japanese photographers
Not too sure how many people have paid for the show, but I guess we’ll find out after. I would go now, but the guy holding the bucket collecting the money is scaring me slightly.
Campbell: You nervous mate?
Malone: No way, I’m excited…quite a nice crowd so far.
Campbell: Yeah, and your mum’s turned up as well.
Malone: Shut up about my mom!!
Campbell: Okay, for now…any problems to report?
Malone: Just the one…the Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship?
Campbell: Yes?
Malone: Well, I went to where you told me to get it from, but all I could find was this trouser belt with a picture of Vanilla Ice stuck to it.
Campbell: …
Malone: THAT’S IT!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE £100 I GAVE YOU TO GET A BELT MADE!!
Campbell (hiding his new watch): I…was…mugged. Anyway, you’d better get in the ring…you’re the ring announcer!
As Malone heads to the ring, I close my eyes…
…and think about Malone’s Mom and Sophie…
…then I decide to concentrate on the show.
-
“Something Pretty Good This Way Comes…” Chapter Five
We were finally ready…the first ever PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!! Was days away…I used my amazing photshop skills and put together a flyer to tell people about the event…
I quite liked the idea of bringing your grandparents…I just wished I’d spelt “Kung Fu Chicken Noodle” right!
Me and Malone sat down with about 10 cans of lager and came up with the card for the first show…
Darren Von Darren vs. Flying Dragon
Mr. Boombastic vs. Crazy Sexy Mike
Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle vs. American Beetle
MAIN EVENT
The winners of each match will enter a Three Way Dance to determine
The first holder of the prestigious Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship!
Malone: You do know Vanilla Ice isn’t dead, don’t you?
Campbell: Yeah, what of it?
Malone: Well, the fact that the belt is called Vanilla Ice Memorial would suggest that he’s dead.
Campbell: Wishful thinking…I didn’t realise you fancy Vanilla Ice.
Malone: I don’t, but-
Campbell: You want to kiss him I bet!!
Malone: Oh GROW UP!!
-
“Something Pretty Good This Way Comes…” Chapter Four
I got Sophie to draw up a profile of our company. She looked so hot today in those baggy blue jeans and Hooters shirt, whilst she sat at her desk and ate Ice Cream.
So anyway, this is what she came back with…
Pretty Good WrestlingSize: Backyard
Public Image: 0%
Risk: 80%
Merchandising: 0%
Production Values: 5%
Advertising: 1%
It looks like the Market is heading towards a boom period, and is currently at 59%
We are currently not big enough to run more than one show a week.
Buy more Ice Cream.
Soph. x
She was a good worker, with the exception that all my important bits of paperwork had ice cream stains on them.
Campbell: We need a name for our weekly event…
Malone: Hmm…hey, what about “Redemption”.
Campbell: YEAH, let’s call it something REALLY NEGATIVE and CLICHÉ’D!! Everyone else does!!
Malone: Okay…how about “Battle Lines”
Campbell: It’s been done.
Malone: Has it?
Campbell: Yeah…that reversefigure4 guy who runs LAW! Bastard!
Malone: You know that Sophie's the mole, you just know it!
Campbell: No way man, it’s gotta be Duke The Dumpster…but anyway, we’re drifting from the point!
Malone: Okay, how about “SURVIVOR”
Campbell: Been done! It’s that piece of crap series in the states…
Malone: What if we were to make…a SERIES…of Survivor events…we could call it…call it… (Malone’s eyes light up)…the SURVIVOR…SERIES!!
Campbell: I’m not even going to react to that! We need something catchy…something that will draw peoples attention.
Just as I was thinking, Flying Dragon returned to my house and leapt off my roof onto Malone.
Malone: Aaarrrrrgghh!!
Campbell: PERFECT!! Malone, you’re a genius!
-
“Something Pretty Good This Way Comes…” Chapter Three
I chose six applicants to begin on my journey into the unknown! And here they are in living colour for you..
Darren Van Darren
Male, 24, Lightweight
Main Event Heel, 15% Over
This guy was a riot in the interview. Turns out he’s from Dyne’s Green – a council estate in the area! He threatened Malone with a knife until we had to get security to drag him away. This guy will make an excellent Main Event Heel!
Crazy Sexy Mike
Male, 27, Lightweight
Upper Midcard Face, 25% Over
Apparantly, this guy’s Crazy…he’s Sexy…and his name’s Mike. He proved his name was Mike by bringing his birth certificate in. And he proved he was Crazy when he ate a piece of the table. The jury’s out on the “sexy” part, though.
Mr. Boombastic
Male, 24, Lightweight
Upper Midcard Heel, 15% Over
He talks in a Jamaican accent, yet he’s a white guy with ginger hair. Something tells me I’m going to get into a lot of trouble for this…lists his achievements in life as “Shaggy look-a-like contest winner 2002” Problem was the contest was held in “The Pig and Barrell” pub in Bradford.
Flying Dragon
Male, 26, Lightweight
Upper Midcard Face, 15% Over
As part of the interview, he decided it was important for us to know he’s willing to take bumps. He proved this by jumping off the roof and onto the grass below. As he was being loaded into the ambulance, I thought “This is the kind of commitment we need”. He’ll be all healed up by the time our first show comes around!
American Beetle
Male, 24, Lightweight
Midcard Face, 6% Over
That’s right…Kaiju’s very own fighting Beetle showed an interest in my little operation. I was flattered, and he proved his loyalty by punching Malone in the face and feeding my donkey. I was extatic…and then I met the guy in the queue next to him…
Kung Fu Chicken Noodle
Male, 26, Lightweight
Upper Midcard Heel, 2% Over
This guy is amazing!! He was a definate “Yes” – I mean, the guys gimmick is that…that…that’s he’s a can of Chicken Noodles!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SMELL RATINGS HERE!! My two kaiju signings may be low on overness, but that’ll change very quickly…I can guarantee it!
So there they are…the starting line-up for Pretty Good Wrestling. Of course, we had to hire some staff to help run the place…and I got me a colour commentator…
Campbell: So…you’re Laughing Larry, right?
Larry: BWA-HHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!! THERE’S A DONKEY IN YOUR GARDEN!!! HAHAHAAA!!! THAT’S PRICELESS!! HAHAHAAAHAAAHA!!! <starts tearing up> And breathe…no, seriously I’m Laughing Larry…and I-pppffftttt-HAHAHHAAAHAAA!!
Larry falls off his chair, unable to control himself!
Malone: I like him!
Campbell: Me too! He seems to have all the know how!
I also took the libery of hiring a writer…
Malone: Do we really need a writer?
Campbell: Yeah! For SKITS and such!
Malone: I know why you hired this guy…
Campbell: What’s that supposed to mean.
Malone: His name’s DICK KOLOFF!!
Larry (still on the floor): DICK!!! DICK!!! DO YOU GET IT!! HAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAHAA!!!!
So what if I hired a guy for his perculiar name…he may bring something to the table.
FWA: Bringing British Wrestling Back!
in The Dome Retro Room
Posted
I'm liking it! Good to see some British wrestling represented!!
As far as locations, a "safe" place for the TV tapings would be the Broxbourne Civic Centre, a place they regularly frequent!
And, I don't wanna fall into the "OMG PUSH X WRESTLER HE'S THE BEST!!11!!!1111!!11one!!11!1", but....Push Jack Xavior!!