Mr Muggy

WWE Unforgiven

September 24, 2006

We owe Metallica $15 million for this PPV.

1. Rob "Fucking" Conway vs. Ric Flair

And we start out with the battle of Spira. Rob Conway comes out with a strategy guide of Final Fantasy X. What the fuck is it with strategy guides these days? Did my booking team become geeks all of a sudden? The only difference is, Rob has only had one concussion in his entire life and knows this ain't real. He just wants revenge on that fuckwad for ruining his game. Flair comes out and Rob goes all Auron on his ass. He beats his ass for a while with Flair getting the occasional chop here and there. Conway finally hits My Fucking Finisher, but he's not done!

He grabs the strategy guide from the corner and shoves it into Flair's face while screaming about "THIS IS HOW YOU BEAT A CHOCOBO EATER YOU DIPSHIT! Flair counters but reaching up and poking Conway in the eye and grabbing the book. He proceeds to grab a page... AND RIP IT ACROSS ROB'S HAND! PAPERCUT! PAPERCUT! PAPERCUT! Blood squirts everywhere as Rob Conway flips the fuck out screaming every curse imaginable. Ric Flair takes this opportunity to chop block Conway's knee and slap of the figure four for the submission. Paramedics run out and scream "HE MAY BE A GONER!" Rob Conway responds with a "fuck".

The proceeding segment was written while listening to "Revealed Truth" from the Final Fantasy X soundtrack. Rock on and prosper.

2. CM Punk vs. Johnny Nitro

Maria and Melina come out with their men and immediately get into a catfight that sends Joey Styles into such a stupor that even Jerry Lawler has to get him to calm the fuck down. The refs finally drag the ladies to the back as Nitro gets a Nitro-O-Matic from behind. It's like an Edge-O-Matic, but with a Nitro BOOST. Nitro has the advantage for a while until Punk catches him with a high knee/bulldog combo out of the corner.

That's when it starts to get interesting. Punk goes for the "I stole this from KENTA" combo and Melina runs back down to the ringside area and leaps on the apron as Punk goes for the Anaconda Slam. Punk goes over to her, but Maria comes out and leaps on the apron to attack Melina! They scrap on there as Nitro recovers and pushes CM forward, RIGHT INTO MARIA! Maria goes splat face first onto the floor as CM looks in shock! Nitro waits for him to turn around and hits the SPEAR for the 3 count.

As they leave, Melina reaches under the ring and throws a pack of Virgin Slims on top of Maria. Nitro screams at CM: "Take a hint!" CM has a look of utter confusion on his face.

3. WWE Women's Title

Mickie James © vs. Candice Michelle

Mickie James comes in and immediately jumps Candice with a thesz press. Candice finds this kinky and starts to feel it building. Mickie gets off her quickly complaning to the ref that she likes it. Candice takes this opportunity to roll her up for a 2! Mickie quickly jumps up and hits a sunset flip and Candice drops to her knees on top of Mickie's face!

I'll let ya hold that image for a while you perverts.

aaaaand... done. 2 count for that. Mickie finally hits a high kick and starts to go to work on Candice. Candice finally awakens with a spin kick and goes for a bodypress off the top. Mickie moves and waits for her to turn. MickieDT and Candice is out of it. 3 count, and Mickie gets the victory.

Afterwards, she has to leave her mark of course.... MICKIE HICKEY~! After receiving this, Candice starts squirming around on the mat moaning.

Candice fakes an orgasm.

The EWB approves.

4. WWE World Tag Team Titles

Triple H & Shawn Michaels © vs. Kenny the Red Ranger & Mikey the Pink Ranger

All of DX and all of the Squad are at ringside making this quite the visual. Joe is on the outside STILL trying to convince everyone that Shadows of the Colossus Kid will destroy the Zord.

This match is like the greatest hits. Mikey screams about shooting Michaels again with his bow. Shawn Michaels & HHH laugh about wang jokes. Kenny carries the match. Shane-O-5 acts up on the floor. Samoa Joe averages a crotch chop every 34.6 seconds. Jimmy Snuka hates people. And Umaga thinks buying stock in O'Reilly Auto Parts is a good idea right now since people will need to flock to the stores to buy anti-freeze these days. But the ending is anything but the par...

Shawn hits the elbow and aims for some Sweet Chin Music, and then Snuka heard Mitch the Blue Ranger say something about his 5th cousin, and IT'S ON, ON THE FLOOR! Insane brawl on the floor as the ref gets distracted. Michaels gets his revenge on Mikey and hits the Sweet Chin Music on him! He covers, but there's no ref.... when the BUILDING SHAKES!

We go to a shot outside where we see the Megazord tapping the top of the arena to get Shawn's attention! Shawn is afraid something is gonna come down, so he grabs his head and ducks... giving Kenny a chance to low blow him! Shawn goes down in a heap as the Megazord silently chuckles at his plan. Kenny heads up and hits the KennyKaze for the 3! The Power Squad are tag team champions again! GO GO POWER SQUAD! They teleport back to the Zord control booth and prepare for battle against Shadows of the Colossus Kid tonight.

5. We go to a special scene backstage where poor Doug Basham has no choice but to tie up Danny "Evil Twin" Basham to a chair and has him watching Pee-Wee Herman to try and humanize him. Sure it's terribly inaccurate, highly bizarre, and features a black cowboy, but damn it, it's the only thing he could by in FYE without getting odd stares. Danny is staring at the TV screen and seems to be calming down.

Danny: "Hey, they have a secret word for the day! It's 'funny'!"

Doug: "Yeah, those secret words are pretty cool, aren't they Danny?"

And Pee-Wee Herman seems to have a calming effect on Danny Basham! Has Pee-Wee saved the family?

6. WWE Intercontinental Title

Charlie Haas © vs. Kane

And we cut that from that touching scene right away to Charlie Haas' music. And everyone starts getting hungry. Haas is begging people in the front row to give him high-fives, but you know... germs. Kane dominates for most of this match, but misses the clothesline off the top. Haas comes back, but the fans don't buy Charlie Haas beating Kane. I mean would you? Haas finally hits a superplex on the big man for 2 before Kane sits up and starts demolish Haas. He hooks him for a choke slam, but Haas floatsover and push Kane toward the turnbuckle hard. Kane's head goes flying over the turnbuckle into the POST!

Kane stumbles back as Haas bounces off the ropes and hits a sunset flip for the shock 3! And it was so sudden... NO ONE GAVE A DAMN! Kane then destroys him to a solid response to prove that Kane can get over if you give him someone to kill. Kane hits 3 chokeslams in a row, and Charlie Haas is dead to rights... but hey, he's still the champ! Too bad everyone thinks Carlito is still champ. And that's what matters in the long run.... right?

7. No-Holds Barred

Shadows of the Colossus Kid vs. The Megazord

The Kid steps out into the parking lot with a slingshot and a sword in hand. The Megazord stands there imposing of course. He goes to finish right away by squashing Shadows flat, but Shadows dodges away from the crushing blow and grabs on to the leg and tries to climb up it! The Megazord is not that agile and can't reach down to flick him away! Shadows starts stabbing at parts of the big machine, and The Megazord is in pain! Johnny is in the control booth panicking since that's his zord that the Kid is climbing up. Mikey tells him to shut up and watch this! Mikey shoots an arrow towards Shadows, but Shadows makes a quick jump to a piece of metal sticking out nearby and the arrow hits the Megazord right in a central computer area for the leg! The leg starts sparking a bit as now most of the Squad are in a tizzy.

Shadows makes it up to the stomach area climbing up and trying to find a weak point just like he did with all those Colossus monsters in the Colossus land of whatever the hell you call it. Nicky declares that the bow and arrow is no use! Mikey goes to shoot again, and Shadows moves his head as the arrow strikes some more important cables sending the Megazord into a tizzy itself! Nicky finally takes away the bow and arrow and tosses it at Shadows, and it hits him in the head! He nearly falls to the cold hard concrete, but he gets his grip back and starts climbing up again! Mitch the Blue Ranger: "MOTHER FUCKER!" The Squad are in shock of what Mitch just said. Mitch: "What, a nerd can't say mother fucker?"

The Kid starts climbing up the chest finding any piece he can get his hands on. He cuts the chest open some right underneath the control panel and finds a cord on the inside he can climb! He climbs up it... and is in the control area now! He gets some rocks out of his pocket and aims his slingshot taking out Mikey the Pink Ranger and Nicky the Black Ranger! He grabs a big rock out of his pocket and just SMASHES it into Johnny's face! Mitch hyperventilates and passes out from an asthma attack. Kenny the Red Ranger pulls out the awesome sword that all Red Ranger carry, and he challenges Shadows to a duel! Shadows responds by pulling out his sword... and kicking Kenny in the nuts!

The Kid thinks he knows the weakness. If he cuts the head off, the main computer will be destroyed! He cuts up the top of the control panel and starts to climb up into the top of the chest! He cuts a part up and sees light! He's back out side, as Kenny is now chasing him! Shadows makes it to the top and swings for the head... but Kenny's sword cuts him off! SWORD BATTLE ON THE RIGHT SHOULDER OF THE MEGAZORD!

You know, in all my life, I never thought I would ever type a sentence like that. I'm such a great member of society.

They continue to swing until the Kid knocks Kenny's sword out of his hand and pins him against the head with the sharp part of the sword in a threatening manner! At that moment, Mikey comes alive from his booth and pushes a joystick. The Megazord's right arm moves up towards the shoulder as Kenny SWIFTLY moves away from the blade, and the Shadows of the Colossus Kid is NAILED by the fist and goes flying off the shoulder and lands all 70 feet down to the concrete! Yeah, I don't think we'll be seeing him again. The Megazord wins by KO! The Squad celebrates as they recover. Johnny found Mitch's breather, so everything is good again.

8. After that gruesome finish, we cut back to the DX locker room where Jimmy Snuka looks over to Samoa Joe and says "You're a fucking idiot. You know that?"

And there's the whole segment. MAIN EVENT TIME!

9. WWE Title

Edge © vs. Carlito

"Randy" Randy gets his own entrance and then enters Carlito's corner. Carlito is really leary of him, so Edge attacks right away with an Edge-O-Matic. It's like a Nitro-O-Matic, only it's not a ripoff. Edge has the advantage for a while as the ref checks Carlito. Edge goes for a bounce off the ropes, but Orton pulls the ropes down! He starts stomping on Edge and then throws him back in the ring! Well, that answered a question there. Orton IS on Carlito's side! Carlito gets the advantage and works on the back to set up the almighty back cracker. Every time the ref gets on Carlito, Orton attacks Edge! Finally, Lita jumps on Orton's back, but Orton flips her over then humps her face for 3 seconds to TOTALLY take her out of the match. That's too much Orton for her to take. Even for LITA people. This is the slut to end all sluts! Even Paris Hilton goes "My God, that thing is ravaged!" Edge finally hits a COD and sets up for the spear. Orton counters by pulling Edge's reason for living into the post!

Carlito goes for the backcracker, but Edge turns and hooks Carlito's legs for a catapult... right into the freakin' blind ref! Lita finally gets back up and grabs a chair from ringside and slides it in! Edge reaches it, but Carlito reaches it to! TUG OF WAR that Edge wins! Carlito ducks... BACK CRACKER! Edge flays around like a fish as Lita runs in with another chair! Carlito stops her and grabs the chair! Carlito wonders if he hit her or not! While he thinks this, Edge is up and Orton dropkicks him... into Carlito who's chair hit Lita in the face! Carlito gets up out of the pile and says he can handle it. Orton looks down for a moment with a frown....

"R"RKO TO CARLITO! Orton looks up with a somber look on his face as he walks away from the ring! The crowd is in shock since he has helped Carlito the whole match! Edge crawls over as the ref conveniently comes alive! 3 count! Edge retains!

The last scene we see is Randy looking at the scene with a tear rolling down his right cheek... fade to black...

If you listen closely, you can hear Toni Braxton somewhere in the background.

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And I hope you enjoyed that and are not calling guys in white coats to take me away.

WWE Smackdown!

September 22, 2006

Now termite free for your protection!

1. Paul Burchill vs. Ahmed Johnson

Ahmed Johnson uses the power of FAT to dominate for a while until he misses a somersault off the top rope that nearly makes the ring collapse. Burchill signals for the Walk the Plank as the crowd wonders if Ahmed can even be lifted PERIOD. Just then, some oriental music sounds and Burchill looks toward the entry way. A blur dressed in black runs from one side of the entry way to the other and the music stops. The fuck? Burchill has no clue what's going on, and Ahmed needs to get his meal in between the 4th snack of the day and Dinner and nails Burchill with the Pearl River Plunge on the turn around for the 3.

2. After Ahmed gets backstage, he meets up with Mark Henry congratulating him. They then start to walk back to the locker room... until they see little Fun Size Milky Ways on the floor! They follow the trail of them eating them, wrapper and all, until they reach a door. They open it and enter a dark room.

???: "OK MIZ! DROP THE HEAVY WEIGHT!"

Nothing happens for a while until Ahmed finds the light switch and turns it on. Emo Hardy is standing there with a "DAMN" look on his face as the Miz the Corpse sits there in the top of the room dead of course with a weight on his back. Ahmed and Henry proceed to be the crap out of Hardy and hit the Ham Sandwich on the floor to him. Ahmed declares it's time for dinner! Henry: "Now where's that McDonald bitch!?"

3. Tatanka vs. Kid Kash

This is the typical southern redneck who hates everything not white vs. someone not white. Tatanka goes tomahawk chopping crazy until Jamie Noble pops up and screams something about Tatanka's slot machine's being rigged. Tatanka turns around in anger, grabs him by the throat and screams, "THEIR STILL THE BEST IN TOWN YOU LITTLE FUCKER!" Kid Kash takes this oppurtinity to hit Tatanka from behind and hit the Hootin' n' Hollerin' brainbuster for the 3 count. Afterwards, they get to stompin' n' stompin' on Tatanka until Pimptista and the Godfather run in for the save! Kash and Noble run over the hills and thru the woods to Granny Lumpkin's house we go. Tatanka thanks the pimps by declaring he will have fresh virgins for them next week. Pimptista: "But they don't know shit!"

4. King Booker is in a trance in his locker room it seems like. Finlay and the Little Bastard are standing there with sly grins on their faces as William looks on. Sharmell asks if this will work. The Little Bastard declares it's a lead pipe cinch! They've sat King Booker down and have had him watch the Best of Kenta Kobashi for 12 hours straight! He's not going to be beaten!

King Booker stands up as the tape finishes and screams to the ceiling "I AM KING BOOKER OF THE BRAIN OF KENTA KOBASHI! AND I WILL CHOP EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!" He then proceeds to chop Queen Sharmell right in the chest and she goes flying! Finlay: "Damn, that trick got whooped." Everyone runs out of the room as King Booker runs around chopping everything he can find.

5. King Kong Bundy vs. Joey Mercury

King Kong Bundy comes out to a hero's welcome in his first match in the WWE in a long long time. Joey comes out in a full red bodysuit declaring he's the first planet from the sun. If King Kong Bundy touches him, he will be scorched to DEATH. King Kong Bundy proceeds to squash him and doesn't feel any heat whatsoever. As he goes for a corner avalanche, Daivari walks out to watch the match. Mercury tries to go for a crossbody, but King Kong Bundy catches him and hits a powerslam and a big splash for the three. There seems to be a lot of people using the splash for a finisher these days, isn't there?

6. Daivari grabs the mic nearby and proceeds to be calm for the first time since I started writing this diary. Daivari declares that this week, GODZILLA! is staying on a volcanic island for the time being letting his anger and frustration rage so that when he comes back next week... KING KONG WILL DIE! DIE! DIEEEEE! HAIL GODZILLA! AND HIS GLORIOUS REGIME!

Haunting words from the man who fears GODZILLA!

7. A Psychic's House in East L.A., 7:41 PM

Brian Ketchum and the cameraman enter Sister Sami's crystal ball room as she relays them what their future is. Ketchum asks if he will catch any Pokemon. To the shock of the cameraman and anyone not named Brian Ketchum, Sister Sami says she sees him catching one next week. It will be right outside of the arena next week on Smackdown! Also, you won't win the lottery this week, the Knicks will win 15 games less than the Atlanta Hawks, and spinach is something you wouldn't want to eat from now till the end of the year due to disease.

Ketchum says thanks. Sami: "That'll be $150".

Ketchum: "Um... dammit, I spent my last 500g on Super Potions."

Sami calls for a pair of goons to come in from the back. Ketchum freaks out and reaches into his backpack.

"GO VOLTORB! USE SELF-DESTRUCT!"

He tosses something to the floor as Sami screams "THAT'S A BOMB!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

*static*

8. We go to a shot at the Home Depot where a woman is shopping for a refrigerator for her new home. She finally finds the one she wants, but it's just a display. The real one is on the VERY top shelf of the aisleway, and we know how big those aisles are... no forklift or crane in sight. What is she to do?

"Never fear! Jindrak is here!"

Jindrak was just around the corner looks to fix a leaky pipe he has under his sink when he noticed this lady had problems. Well... he can take care of that! Jindrak proceeds to leap in the air! He is able to grab the refrigerator and pull it down! But if falls out of his hands on the way down and starts to fall towards the woman... WHAT IS TO HAPPEN TO HER?

"Never fear! Lashley is here!"

Lashley runs in from the side and proceeds to CATCH the fridge coming down towards the lady! That is some FREAKISH strength by Colorado native! Jindrak is glad to see his fellow Smackdown brother Lashley here doing a good duty! Luckily, Lashley was here with Jindrak shopping around for stuff. The woman thanks both men and drags away her new fridge. Jindrak then asks Lashley where he got his strength from.

Lashley: "Uh...um..... HEY! 2 for 1 deal on wrenches! CHECK IT OUT!"

They walk away from the scene as we fade back to the arena...

9. The Paultimate Warrior has a few words before he goes out to the ring...

"My name is the Paultimate Warrior. And tonight, I take on a normal with the mind of a unnormal who thinks he's an unnormal when the reality is that he is a normal. And with his normalness, he will not be able to conquer the power of the Warrior! Oh my fellow Warriors, tonight I defend our freedom to wear tight fitting clothes and and practice bisexuality however we want no matter what the government says! Tonight, I will defend that freedom... oh and this title belt around my waist as well! The Belt of Warriors is something that only an unnormal can truly hold, and King Booker is just a NORMAL! A NORMAL! DID YOU HEAR ME FELLOW WARRIORS? I SAID KING BOOKER IS A NORMALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!"

And now he's ready for his match...

10. The Rematch of the Past 2 Weeks

World Heavyweight Title

The Paultimate Warrior © vs. King Booker of the Brain of Kenta Kobashi

Paultimate Warrior actually gets dominated for 10 straight minutes to start. And did I mention it was all chops from King Booker of the Brain of Kenta Kobashi? He's in Chopbashi mode tonight! He even props up Paul on the top rope and chops him to the floor! Then the suplexes start! German suplex. Sleeper suplex! HALF NELSON SUPLEX.... into the ropes. No matter who you are or how much you chop, you DON'T TOSS THE WARRIOR TOWARDS THE ROPES! The Warrior starts Warrioring up and King Booker goes for the finish that Simon Dean taught him... and HE CRUSHES THE WARRIOR WITH THE FIVE KNUCKLE LIVER EXPLOSION KIDNEY BLASTER!

BUT LONDON NO-SELLS! HE WARRIORS UP! Three clotheslines, gorilla press, WARRIOR SPLASH OF DEATH! Three count! Even King Booker of the Brain of Kenta Kobashi cannot finish off the Paultimate Warrior's reign! The Paultimate One retains the World title. And that is supposed to be the end of the show.... but...

11. ~ BONG ~

The Undertaker walks out! The crowd goes absolutely crazy as he stands in the entry way. He rolls his eyes in the back of his head... LIGHTNING BOLT CRACKS THROUGH THE AIR!

and then comes down and nails the Undertaker! The Undertaker goes down in a head and CATCHES ON FIRE! The Undertaker burns to a crisp before the people backstage realize the Undertaker caught on fire and race out with fire extinguishers! The Undertaker had been "killed' again it seems! Chris Benoit then runs out from the back screaming "OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED THE UNDERTAKER! YOU BASTARD!" And we go off the air as people huddle around the Undertaker's carcass.

uh....um......~ BONG ~ ?

---------------------------------------------

And now, from one bit of insanity to the next, I am proud to show off my first RAW exclusive PPV in Unforgiven. Predictions and thoughts are welcome just like those cheese samplers you try at Sam's Club.

Tampax presents WWE Unforgiven

Main Event

WWE Title

Edge © w/Lita vs. Carlito w/"Randy" Randy Orton

No Holds Barred

Shadows of the Colossus Kid vs. The Megazord

WWE World Tag Team Titles

Shawn Michaels & Triple H w/DX © vs. The Mighty Morphin Power Squad w/Shane-O-5 and Vince McMahon

Intercontinental Title

Charlie Haas © vs. Kane w/Eric Bischoff

"Nature Boy" Ric Flair vs. Rob "Fucking" Conway

WWE Women's Title

Mickie James © vs. Candice Michelle

CM Punk w/Maria vs. Johnny Nitro w/Melina

Armando Alejandro.... McMahon?

September 19, 2006

by Bret Fart

WWE.com just learned yesterday that Armando Alejandro Estrada has just recently married a daughter of Vince McMahon that was unknown about for a long period of time.

Vince had been leaving "business cards" in several towns during a rocky period between him and his devoted wife Linda. And one of them was left to a Mrs. Rita Gonzalez. 23 years later, a daughter was born named Maria. So how do you solve a problem with Maria? Well, Rita never did tell her she was ever a McMahon despite the grovely voice and the sudden urge to say YOU'RE FIRED like she had turrets. But after Armando and Maria had a relationship, Vince broke the word to Mr. Estrada that was his daughter. Armando then wanted to marry her right away. What a good man he is.

We wish to welcome to the McMahon family, Mr. Armando Alejandro Estrada.

WWE RAW

September 18, 2006

Lisa needs braces.

1. John Cena vs. Rob "Fucking" Conway

Conway is angry at Cena for giving him advice last week to attack him. So this is his quote "MOTHER FUCKING REVENGE TO KILL THIS FUCKFACE." Rob Conway hits brutal stiff shots, but Cena comes back with his five moves of doom! Clotheslines, Killswitch, Five Knuckle Shuffle, FU, and STF OF FREAKING DEATH are locked in. Conway reaches for the ropes, but Ric Flair comes out and pulls the ropes away just enough to where Conway can't reach them! Conway taps out to the STFU! Flair has now gotten the advantage over Conway two weeks in a row! That'll show him to attack him for not using Auron instead of Tidus! Flair vs. Conway at Unforgiven in 6 days! Yeah, that PPV snuck up on you too, didn't it?

2. Carlito is out in the parking lot talking to Vince. He wonders what the hell is he thinking? How did he let it be to where Orton is in his corner this Sunday? TAKE IT BACK! Vince says he's sorry. He does a little drinking during the show celebrating nearly crushing DX, and well.... shit happens! Orton approached him with the papers and he signed them while sipping down his gin and tonic! Carlito wants changes! Vince can't do it! Carlito gets frustrated and touches Vince's shirt... uh oh... Vince: "LIFT THE FOOT!" And all of a sudden, we see a BIG shadow come over Vince and Carlito as Vince runs... and Carlito RUNS AWAY FAST! He leaps on top of a car and leaps just in time to get away just as the Megazord CRUSHES the car. Remember... this is what that Kid from Shadows of the Colossus has to face at Unforgiven.

3. Speaking of that kid... we go to the DX locker room where Umaga and Jimmy Snuka are going through warm-ups. Shawn and HHH are wearing their belts and watching on... and Samoa Joe approaches them with that Kid from Shadows of the Colossus! They've lined up a nice opponent tonight! The 500 pound Viscera Ross! Joe declares Ross to be the first of many giants Shadows of the Colossus Kid will slay! Shawn Michaels stands up finally and looks at Joe and says "You've been drinking spiked coconut milk haven't you..." Joe says watch the Kid tonight! He'll show the world what he's made of! He may only be about 5'8" and weigh 170 pounds, but he guarantees victory for him tonight! And for further proof of that, he's made the match a no-holds barred match! DX will watch on and see their great hope slay one giant, and then the big one at the very end of the level!

Jimmy Snuka chimes in with a "You're a fucking idiot. You know that?" and then leaves with Umaga for their match next!

4. Kenny the Red Ranger & Mitch the Blue Ranger vs. Jimmy Snuka & Umaga

At Unforgiven, the Power Squad are getting a tag title shot against HBK & HHH of DeGeneration X. This is a preview of sorts... it is DX vs. Power Squad after all... hey, that's how they would say it in real life! Admit it!

Umaga is all WAAHHH SAMOAAA and he squashes Mitch so many bugs. Kenny gets the upper hand when he draws Snuka in and then hits a high dropkick on him. Him and Mitch beat on Snuka for a while until Mitch goes for a powerslam, but Snuka floats over and hits a back suplex. He tags Umaga, and it's SQUASH MODE. Umaga hits the running butt splashes on both men, and since they want to save their men for the show... IT'S A MASS POWER SQUAD RUN IN! Johnny, Nicky, and Mikey (I HAVE A BOW AND ARROW BITCHES!) along with Shane-O-5! The rest of DX runs in for the save, as the Squad retreats. They need all the strength they can get for the PPV. They are facing HHH and HBK after all...

5. Candice Michelle is backstage in the shower, and we can hear moans coming from there. That can only mean one thing.... the Herbal Essences is as good as advertised. As she gets out, she puts a towel on... Mickie attacks! Mickie beats the crap out of her, but somehow the towel stays on just to piss everyone off. Mickie finishes it off by slamming her face first into the shower wall and leaves her mark with a patented MICKIE HICKEY~! She walks away from the scene of the crime as Candice Michelle is left sprawled on the floor in only her towel. Armando Alejandro Estrada walks into the shower randomly, looks down and says "JACKPOT!"

6. The I Hate Rene Dupree Series

Match 3: Rene Dupree vs. Doug Basham

Doug Basham shakes Rene's hand and proceeds to dominate him on the mat. Doug proves he's a great technician when need be, and he finishes off Rene Dupree with a Sky High. He goes to shake Rene's hand... but Danny Basham escaped form his cage in the back and has run out and speared Rene Dupree off of his feet! He grabs his boner and tries to rip it right out! GOOD LORD! Doug has to pull him off and get the people in the white coats to straight jacket him and send him to the back! Doug goes back to Rene and apologizes for Danny attempting to "Bobbitt" him. Doug: "I gotta stop leaving the TV on HBO late at night."

7. Charlie Haas is backstage. He tried to get someone to interview him, but they didn't know who he was. He's the Intercontinental champion dammit! Somebody talk to him! it's so alone in this room... just me and Mr. Billy Goldman. Charlie then pulls out a ventriloquist dummy and starts talking to it and starts up a conversation about global warming and it's effects. He then declares Billy to be his only friend and hugs the dummy.

You know what, I don't know why, but I really felt sad for Charlie Haas there when I typed that promo.

8. No Holds Barred

Shadows of the Colossus Kid vs. Viscera Ross

Shadows enters as Viscera is creating a clay sculpture called "The Demise of Sony". Shadows takes offense to this, grabs the clay and throws it in his face! Viscera swings for him, but Shadows climbs up on top of his shoulders and pulls out a huge rock out of his vest! He proceeds to bash Viscera in the back of the head with it over and over and over and over and over and over and over till Viscera is down to one knee... and then finally unconscious on the ground! The Kid finally stops hitting him with the rock as Vis is bleeding out the back of the head, and covers him for a 3 count! The Kid from Shadows of the Colossus wins in his first match!

9. And we go backstage as Samoa Joe is jumping up and down like a school boy screaming "YES!" like he just got laid for the first time. He told them that Kid from Shadows of the Colossus is the man! Shawn and HHH do say... he does know how to fuck someone up! He hopes he can be the one to slay the mighty Megazord at Unforgiven. What do you say Snuka....

"You're still a fucking idiot. You know that?"

Joe tells him after Unforgiven, he'll be eating his own words! Umaga stands in the background crotch chopping the whole time to remind you this is the DX locker room.

10. Johnny Nitro and Melina are backstage chating it up when Todd Grisham comes up for questions. Nitro and Melina declare they have a new sex position.... the Washington Steamer! It's like a Cleveland Steamer, only Melina dresses up like Betsy Ross, and Nitro then jams his Washington Monument up-

And of course Grisha, interrupts that to get his question out. He basically asks if he'll be able to handle CM Punk tonight and at Unforgiven. That was it? He interrupted good sex talk for that? Well Johnny Nitro goes through the motions and says he'll beat Punk tonight and he'll beat him again at Unforgiven for interrupting his chance to score with Maria! Melina: "Now that's a fine piece of ass!" Grisham faints from the thoughts of that as Melina declares they also have a present for Maria. Melina reaches down into Nitro's coat... and pulls out a bottle of Jose Cuervo. Oh Snap...

11. Charlie Haas, Carlito, and CM Punk vs. Kane, Edge, Johnny Nitro

CM Punk has no clue what to make of what was just said in that last promo. Maria comes out telling CM Punk he has no clue what that was about.

A very nice 6 man tag to set up three seperate matches at Unforgiven. CM Punk plays face in peril for a while until he dodges a Nitro spear and reaches for the tag. Haas goes for it, but Carlito realizes no one will respond to it and people will change channels and babies will be unborn, so he reaches his hand out a bit more, makes the tag, and springboard clotheslines Nitro coming in! He dropkicks Kane out, and he chases after Edge as "Randy" Randy Orton comes out! The ref isn't looking as Orton grabs Edge on the chase... "R"RKO to Edge on the floor! He smirks at Carlito and walks away leaving Carlito in a state of "WTF". Meanwhile, Haas attempts to clean house in the ring as everyone stares at Carlito. What they don't see is Kane coming in from behind and chokeslamming Haas for the 3 count giving his team the win. Kane shoots off his pyro, but the camera stays on Carlito's stunned face and Edge holding his title like it was the last boob he could ever have as we go off the air...

DENTAL PLAN!

---------------------------------------------------------

And there's your two shows for the day. Want to thank you guys for getting this over a 1,000 views. Here's to many more views and many more shows to come!

Fuck A Snowstorm

September 13, 2006

by Kanye East

Al Snow has decided to not be a pure professional about his job and has left ECW after being asked to lose to Kelly Kelly. Now we here at WWE.com usually wish a competitor the best of luck in his future endeavors... but that's not how we roll around here anymore. These are the following things Al Snow did here in the WWE...

1. Nothing

2. Nada

3. Nil

4. Gave Pat Patterson head.... notice I didn't capitalize the h there.

Bye Leif Cassidy.

It's that time again you know... when business comes before the matches and the politics of Hogan jobbing people out. I head to Sci-Fi Headquarters somewhere in Parts Unknown. So it's 3 and a half miles into South Dakota. And after a quick game of backgammon and some tea and crumpets, I get right down to business with the president of Sci-Fi Headquarters, Doc Beejus. That last name is REALLY bizarre...

So what we are discussion is a 9 month extentsion to the ECW on Sci-Fi contract. Ratings are awesome, shows are great, Masteroth was recently named "favorite character" in the entire Sci-Fi network according to the staff. So it's going great. So they've agreed to extend and put us on prime time!

With one condition.

Beejus: "Over the next few weeks, we will be promoting Star Wars Month which will be in November right here on Sci-Fi. And in order to prepare for it, we would like to do some... shall we say... creative advertising."

I told him I'd have no problem promoting banners and stuff all over the arenas. But he wanted something MUCH different.

Beejus: "I want to see if you create Star Wars style characters in your federation. Now I noticed you haven't had the Full Blooded Italians doing much on your television shows lately. Maybe you could use them! And hire Sal E. Graziano with them too! I have a great plan for him!"

Star Wars characters in ECW?

WHY NOT?! I made the deal with Doc Beejus and it was set! At the start of next month, ECW on Sci-Fi goes primetime, we get a 9 month extension on our deal... and Little Guido and company are about to get a monster makeover.

Me: "Thank you very much Mr. Beejus. I hope you have a nice day."

Beejus: "I'm your huckleberry."

Riiiightttt.... ok, I slowly backed out of there and left contemplating how the hell I'm gonna pull these ideas off...

Life getsin the way of doing everything ya want... but I've got time now. So three cheers and a shot of vodka! Back to the reposts!

King Kong Trouble?

September 10, 2006

By: Fergie Ferguson

WWE.com has learned that yesterday, King Kong Bundy was supposed to appear at the Jackson Fairgrounds in Jackson, TN for an autograph session for the fans. He never appeared for the session.

Bundy has sent a statement to the WWE via telegram stating that he was not told about the appearance and had plans to go to church and teach Sunday school like he has been doing for the past 5 years.

We here at the WWE apologize to the city of Jackson for the non-appearance and to King Kong Bundy for the lack of communication. Usually, policy requires us to suspend an individual for not appearing at public appearances...

But this is King Kong Fucking Bundy people. HOW CAN WE SUSPEND THIS MAN?!

We support King Kong Bundy in everything he does. If he wants to splash Canada and declare it King Kongida, we are all for it. Hail Bundy and his glorious regime!

The writer of this article was given a raise after this story was posted.

Time to Catch em' all?

September 8, 2006

by A. Mark.

Tonight, we will witness a video featuring former WWE Tag Team Champion Brian Kendrick. Kendrick has asked to be called Brian Ketchum and has told WWE.com this video will document his adventure into the wilderness of America to capture an elusive set of creatures called "Pokemon".

Tune in tonight to witness the beginning of Brian Ketchum's quest for the "Pokemon" that he claims are out there on whatever channel they are playing it on these days. Hell, we don't even know. Ask someone you know.

Source: WWE.com

ECW on Sci-Fi

September 5, 2006

Home of the latest women's rights movement.

1. Kelly Kelly vs. Shannon Moore

Shannon is in complete tool mode tonight with furry overcoat and high mohawk. Kelly Kelly walks up to Shannon and says.... "My God you suck!", slaps him in the face, and then hits him with a huge knee to the gut! Shannon goes down in pain as Kelly bounces off the ropes... and hits a STANDING STAR PRESS on Shannon Moore! She heads up to the top rope, STRIPS OFF THE BRA (!!!!!!!!!!) and hits a TORNADOOOOOOOOO~! for the victory! She dusts herself off, puts her high heels and bra back on, and walks away with a smirk on her face. Aldo looks at Shannon and says "My God... he's worse than I am! I didn't think that was possible! I have a hope in life!"

2. CW Anderson is in the back flipping through the channels on a 20 inch looking for CHiPS when Maven walks in. CW stands up and looks at Maven and says "Alright Adrian Adonis, your fun and games are over. I'm gonna have to call Luger and Windham in here to teach you a lesson! Flair hasn't got here yet on his private jet, but I'm sure he would give you a first class whoopin! Maven laughs at the delusionary dreams of young Christopher. He doesn't get it. He just came to indulge the information that Christopher will soon just be a part of the renaissance on ECW. Just a warning to the masses, even the mentally inferior ones like you.

CW: "Hey Adrian, you're breaking character!" Maven simply shakes his head with a smirk and walks as CW stands there and wonders what Dusty the booker is gonna do about this.

3. The Big Foot vs. Dreamer the Blue Fairy

Dreamer and the Sandman enter the ring and blow fairy dust into Big Foot's eyes to make him go to sleep. Big Foot counters that by slapping the shit out of both of them and tossing the Sandman to the floor. He becomes dominating with huge furry chops and high kicks and finishes it off with a choke slam and a double stomp for the victory. Big Foot stomps around in celebration when he turns around... and EATS a Guilty Verdict kick by you know who...

OBJECTION!

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=1015799

Stevie leaves will full confidence as the Big Foot is ENRAGED~~~~~!

4. The next thing we see is a special video in a lavish house on the coast of California. We scan around to see very zen kinda stuff. And then we go inside as we see kickboxing bags, yin yang decorations, and all sorts of oriental stuff. And we go to the bedroom.. and for the first time in a while, we see ROB VAN DAM! And he's in bed.... sleeping... THRILLING STUFF!

"The Whole Fucking Show Returns Soon....

5. Balls Mahoney vs. Mordecai

And we start this little feud with the two lesser men... at least in my eyes. C'mon, you expect me to put Masteroth and Kurt Angle back in there again without hype?

Kurt Angle is proud of his Balls as he dominates the start of this match until Masteroth does what every true world dominating villain would do... he trips Balls. Kurt is angry and goes after Masteroth, but Masteroth shoots a Fira spell at him, but Kurt ducks it just in time and stays on his side of the ring. Mordecai takes over, and goes for the Iron Claw, but Balls fights out of that and goes for the Balls Combo punches. Masteroth is in shock and leaps to the apron for a spell, and Balls punches him right off the apron! Kurt Angle goes over to fight now since Masteroth doesn't have time to throw a spell, and that distracts the ref for a bit. Balls lines up Mordecai for a Ball Breaker, but Mordecai is fidgeting with his hands... FIREBALL! Mordecai with his own version of Fira right into Balls' face! He then hoists the big man up and hits the Crucifix for the 3 count. Kurt runs in just as Mordecai slides out and helps his God to the back. Masteroth promises him hookers. Lots and lots of Midgar hookers from that bumblebee place he heard about.

6. Muhammad Hassan walks out with a replica ECW title over his shoulder in a very nice suit might I add. He rocks a suit, no doubt about it. Muhammad comes and declares himself to be the TRUE ECW champion. You see, "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan is a fraud as a champ, and the tape proves it! ROLL THE TAPE!

The tape shows at Summerslam, Muhammad pinning Hogan, but Hogan's foot was in the ropes, and the title switch was voided. Hogan ended up Hulking up and pinning Muhammad, but Muhammad's foot was under the rope and never noticed!

Muhammad says that was a true injustice for him. Prejudice people trying to hold down his title reign and presidential campaign! So Muhammad has no choice. He has talked to the Florida Wrestling Board where Summerslam was held, and they've come to an agreement with the WWE. Next week, it starts. Next week, we will go through all the footage, all the notes, and all the votes. Next week, we will have a RECOUNT!

And we will find out who the TRUE ECW Champion is! Until then... VOTE FOR ME MUHAMMAD HASSAN PRESIDENT IN 2008! And on cue, pyro shoots out, confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling, and we go off the air....

Al Gore does not endorse this storyline.

---------------------------

And I end this posting session on a political note. Yay?

WWE RAW

September 4, 2006

Currently trying to make Kenny the Red Ranger on FirePro Wrestling...

1. Vince McMahon is in the parking lot standing in front of something huge... and of course we scan up to see it's THE MEGAZORD! You see DX, with the Megazord in his power now, he has full reign of RAW again. Anyone that wants to mock him, destroy him, or try to ruin his life... they'll have to contend with this. They will have to contend with a machine the size of an arena! And there's no one in the world that can contend with this monstrosity! Right guys?

Power Squad sitting in the cockpit come over the megaphone: "RIGHT BOSS!!" Mikey: "I'LL KILL ANY MEMBER OF DX! I'M THE PINK RANGER! I FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!"

Oh yeah, Samoa Joe has to fight Johnny the Yellow Ranger & Kenny the Red Ranger in a handicap match with no DX members at ringside. Vince then doesn't do a crotch chop to remind us he's not in DX.

2. Ric Flair is heading towards the ringside area for his match when Rob Fucking Conway walks in from the side screaming at Flair. Flair: "Your fighting me over a video game. What the hell man?" Conway: "You think this is about.... coffee? Er, um... fuck, I mean a video game?" Conway then proceeds to tell Flair he fucking despises him for all his titles, all his years of service and all the sluts he's had a chance to fuck on the side when his wife ain't putting out. Flair gets REAL pissed at that and goes right after Conway, but the refs pull them away from each other! Flair screams he wants him at Unforgiven, and Conway accepts! Hey, we got a match for a PPV! Booking with a future! My God... I really am on LSD!

3. John Cena & Ric Flair vs. The Basham Brothers

JOHN CENA IS HERE IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT! THIS IS MUST SEE TELEVISION!

Flair and Doug Basham start as they do a nice technical encounter. They shake hands and trade off tag team partners. Cena and Danny come in, and Danny immediately pokes Cena in the eye and starts trying to rip his ear off. Doug sighs on the apron really loud. Cena fights through Danny Basham trying to rip his face off and wear it for Halloween and ends up tagging in Ric Flair and watches as Flair proceeds to OUT CHEAT Danny! Testicular claw, pokes to the eyes, wishbones, knees to the groin, the trick knee trick... Flair just goes out of his way to make Danny unable to continue the Basham legacy. Doug comes in to ask Ric Flair to stop, but Cena clotheslines him over the top. Flair hits one more low blow for the hell of it and rolls up Danny-Boy for the 3 count and the win. Remember kids, cheating is worth it. Do it in your life too!

4. Charlie Haas comes out with the Intercontinental Title to celebrate with his fans... and of course, we take this opportunity to go to the bathroom and shirt stands after a John Cena match. Haas is not happy! He just won the IC title! He won a title in the WWE! You people should care!

Pure silence.

I HAVE CANDY!

*People pay attention*

And I'll give to all the kids in the audience!

And that turns off a lot of people, cause that makes Charlie look like a pedophile. Some of the crowd start to boo him, and Haas walks off in disgust and anger.

5. Maria is backstage at a nearby corner. She looks around for a moment as if she's making sure no one is looking... and then she pulls out a flask of some kind in her hand from her purse. She opens the cap, and from the way she takes it down, it looks like it was alcohol! She screws the cap on as we here "MARIA!" calls from the distance. Maria swiftly throws the flask back in her purse as CM Punk walks into the shot and kisses her on the neck from behind. She keeps her face away so he doesn't small the al-key-hol. They continue the conversation as we fade out, with Maria's eyes filled with worry and CM Punk going on oblivious like most foils in these things...

6. Samoa Joe vs. Johnny the Yellow Ranger & Kenny the Red Ranger

This is Joe people... he stays dominant for a while until he starts doing the crotch chops, and Johnny hits the Johnny Go Round from behind. They take over until they go for a double clothesline, and Samoa Joe hits a double face kick and a senton on both of them at the same time! Geez! Samoa Joe dumps Johnny over the top and sets up a Muscle Buster for Kenny! That's when Shane-O 5 runs in, and Samoa Joe takes his head off with a lariat! But Nicky the Black Ranger runs in and hits him with a lariat of his own from behind to draw the DQ! The Squad do a MASS ATTACK on the big Samoan, and all of DX runs down to save Samoa Joe's ass! The Squad run off to the back... but DX says to hell with the posing and the crotch choping! HHH tells them to follow them! They chase them through the hallways and the Squad runs out the door of the arena....

7. DX then storm outside to take out Vince, Shane-O 5, and the Rangers. They open the door, and there stands the mighty Megazord! The zord lifts a foot up to squash DX, and they run in as fast as they can just in time as the foot crushes the ground they once stood on! They shut the door, lock it, and breath in panic. HHH: "Mother fucker, I thought that was computer animation last week!" Snuka: "You're a fucking idiot, you know that?!"

Shawn wonders how are we gonna be able to beat that thing? Joe simply says: "I'll find a way. You guys can trust me." Umaga says "Umaga".

8. -The I Hate Rene Dupree Series-

Match 1: Rene Dupree vs. Viscera Ross

Alright... I think Rene Dupree is a waste of oxygen. So in order to get my nerdy geeky revenge on him, I'll job him out to crappy opponents in a wrestling simulator. REVENGE IS SWEET!

So Viscera hits him with a Scrapbuster Slam and finishes it off with a Big Splash of Color for the 3 count. He then proceeds to do a quick oil painting of the destruction he caused and entitles it "Le Puke le Crap le Feces".

9. Candice Michelle is in the back doing a photo shoot for WWE magazine. The pic looks like she is faking an orgasm. In the middle of a pose, Mickie James runs in and hits her upside the head with the women's title! She screams she'll eliminate the entire Women's Division one by one! And then just for the heck of it, she gives Candice a Mickie Hickey! Candice doesn't even have to fake an orgasm here.

10. Johnny Nitro is in the locker room with Melina... and the WWE Title! Edge and Lita couldn't be here tonight to witness a new #1 contender being made. They already had an appointment with Lady Heather at a ...um.... club, and they couldn't miss out on them. It's a 6 month waiting period involved there! So tonight, Nitro is watching his title for him and gonna scout these opponents while Melina and gives him a blowjob. It's called multi-tasking! Melina knows about multi-tasking too, because here comes Victoria with the whipped cream and honey....

If you got a boner after the last line.... I don't blame you.

Speaking of boners...

11. #1 Contender for the WWE Title

Kane vs. Carlito vs. "Randy" Randy Orton

Orton asks Carlito to help him take down. Carlito thinks this is a good idea... then Orton gives him a pat on the ass. Carlito goes to town on Orton while Bischoff tells Kane to wait and let them kill each other. After about 5 minutes, Kane runs at them and clotheslines them both down. He goes to slam dunk Carlito with a choke slam, but Orton catches him on the way up with his picture perfect dropkick. Cover gets a 1 and a toss to the floor. Kane goes to chokeslam Carlito again, but Carlito turns that into a DDT. Orton stalks back into the ring, and stalks Carlito from behind! He must be mad at that attack from earlier, and he sizes him up for an "R"RKO... and turns and hits one of the rising Kane instead! Orton admires his handywork... and takes a backcracker from Carlito!

Carlito covers and gets the 3 count! Carlito goes to Unforgiven for a shot at the WWE title!

Johnny Nitro is laid out on the couch with the covers over him along with Melina and Victoria smoking a cigarette and tells them "So was it good for you too? Oh yeah, who won?" Victoria: "Well in between the orgasm and the other orgasm, I think I saw some guy with a raccoon on his head win." Nitro: "OH SHIT, NOT CARLITO!"

And we fade to black...

Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking cigarettes usually means someone has a habit or people just had sexual relations. If it's the second, you rule.

---------------------------------------

IReportWrestlingForSex.com reports The Sandman has signed on to a one year extension a on a contract that was due at the end September. Apparently, he really needs the money.

---------------------------------------

WWE Smackdown!

September 1, 2006

Wake me up when September ends.

1. And we start this shindig with Daivari running out screaming "THE UNITED STATES IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE GODZILLA! STATES OF AMERICA!" GODZILLA! comes out with the US title belt around his neck and breathes fire in the air as pyro goes off around him. See? Get gold, get the awesome intro. Daivari continues to run around the ring screamin in fear saying "GODZILLA! FEARS NO MAN! GODZILLA! WILL TRAMPLE LITTLE KITTENS! GODZILLA! WILL GODZILLA! BOMB GEORGE W. BUSH! GODZILLA! WILL TOTALLY PWN YOUR SOUL!"

And this promo is interrupted by the same vid we've seen the past two weeks. A really round man on the screen that GODZILLA! reacts to violently. We then hear a voice that says "Next week... I return. And I will do what no other man can do.... I will eliminate the Lizard King." GODZILLA! breathes a big fireball at the titantron after that last line in anger and destroys it. Well, at least we have one on the other side. GODZILLA! just destroys everything at ringside and jumps through the announce table to destroy that too before roaring to the back in a fit of anger.

2. Gunner Scott vs. Brian Kendrick

Gunner comes out with his girlfriend Janie this time. Gunner and Brian shakes hands and have a nice solid match that ends when Scott flips Kendrick onto his feet on a Sliced Bread #2 attempt and takes his head off with the Double Barreled Shotgun Blast for the 3 count! BANG BANG! Gunner shakes Brian's hand just like he did to Burchill last week. Brian tells him he knows a place in town where they sell antique guns. I think it was owned by a guy called Herman with one arm. Gunner is all for it! Gunner, Janie, and Brian leave to check this place out.

3. Michelle McDoanld is walking backstage when Jillian Hall meets up with her backstage. What was up with that last week? McDonald is sorry... did she want fries with that loss? CATFIGHT! Clothes get ripped off until both girls are left in their underwear. Jillian in a red lingerie number, McDonald with the Hamburglar printed all over hers and her bra. I'll let that image soak in for a while now like chicken nuggets in peanut oil...

There ya go.

4. Ahmed Johnson and Mark Henry are sitting backstage at a table with nothing on it completely oblivious to the last segment apparently.. Ahmed: "I'm hungry." Henry: "I'm hungry." Ahmed: "Hey you wanna eat that entire vending machine?" Henry: "I'm all for it!" They walk away to the nearby vending machine. Much carnage ensues, I assure you."

5. Sugar Shane Helms comes out to his latest hit "I'm In Your Church, Worshipping Your Soul" and starts to croon it until PIMPS UP, HOS DOWN hits and we get Pimp N' Pimp Connection coming out with a line of 6 awesome hos with more silicone than a gasket maker. Pimptista offers Sugar Shane a ho for the night. It looks like he needs one. Sugar Shane is not on the market right now. he doesn't need a one night stand to make him feel special! All his pre-puebescent girls are here cheering him on! Pimptista tells Shane Helms the offer is only for right now. Get away from Lance Bass' ass and get some of this fine chocolate thunder to my left! Shane Helms takes offense to that and hits Pimptista with a dropkick, and the match is on!

6. Pimptista vs. Sugar Shane Helms

Sugar Shane says he wants him to feel the love...and that just pastes him with a right hand. He slaps him around screaming "God must've spent a little more time on you!" before Pimptista comes back and PIMP SLAPS~! him like a ho and nails him with a All-Japan approved Lariat. One Pimptista Bomb later, and it's all over. Pimptista takes a drink from his pimp cup and says "Now that's good lemonade."

7. Everything is calm and peaceful. No political propaganda in the Smackdown locker room. And then...

~ BONG ~

He's coming back to Smackdown....again.

~ BONG ~

8. The Rematch of the Rematch of the Century

Masato Tanaka vs. Simon Dean

And I think you know where this is going....

Super Nova! Poke to the Retina! Smack a Yak Pattywack! Give the Dog a Bone! Lancaster Lariat of Lust! Remember the Teen Titans! Salvation Driver! Puberty Plaster! Clothesline from HULLLLLL! Pity City! Comb Over! Iceland Express Slam! Sinner Suplex! Skull Fuck Spinebuster! SimCity Slam! XBOXINATOR! Simon Dean used an XBox for a weapon! Simon Dean is DQed giving Masato the first win in this war! Of course he still no-sells it and we keep going!

Maneater! Noah's Ark! Van Wizardnator! Flipping Tiger 450 Crash! Double Goozle! The Chase Effect! The Roger Effect! The Matrix Effect! EYE OF THE TIGER! Midnight Ride! Big Boot to the Funny Bone! And they both hit each other will 900 degree revolution dropkicks to end it all!

9. The Southern Boys are backstage drinking Jim Beam and Jack Daniels from the bottle talking about how pathetic all the other teams on Smackdown are. Noble: "Wait, there are other teams?" Get Over Here Dammit runs in barking up a storm and Kash and Noble wonder what he's barking about. The dog runs away, and Noble and Kash chase after him. Kash: "Maybe Timmy fell down the well again!" Noble: "That kid is one dumb fuck, I tells ya." The dog finally stop at a spot where it pooped on the floor. THAT WAS IT? That's all you wanted to show? Get Over Here Dammit, get back to your room! We're the tag team champions, and all we got was a lousy segment with poop in it? My dad, Col. Sanders wouldn't approve of this!

10. King Booker of ANGER, Finlay, William Regal vs. Emo Hardy, Lashley, Mark Jindrak

Emo Hardy starts to lament about how life is nothing more than inconsequential series of events. King Booker slaps him down and tells him to shut the fuck up. He's ANGRY right now that a kid on caffeine pills is holding his World title. So Emo Hardy plays face in peril for a while until Finlay misses a charge into the post and tags in Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak attacks with a one leap springboard clothesline and then a high leapfrog before lariating William from behind. It turns into a 6 man cluster fucl that ends up with King Booker and Emo Hardy in the ring. Emo hits the Slow and Painful Existence Legdrop and lines up for the Twist of Fate as the ref wacks off in the corner of seeing Finlay and Mark Jindrak fight outside. Cue our weekly visit from the Little Bastard! He turns Emo Hardy around and hits him with the Stan Hansen LARIATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! He escapes as King Booker of ANGER digs his forearm into Hardy's face and pins him for the 3. But he's still not happy! He's a king... OF ANGER!

Meanwhile on the floor, Lashley grabs the steel steps and HURRRRLLLLS theme up the aisleway at William Regal who is running away. It is absolute freakish strength I tell ya!

11. Okay, I'm gonna do my best to write a Paultimate Warrior promo. Work with me here kids.

The pyro shoots from the entry way and purple, green, yellow, lavender, pink, black, teal, and lima green confetti comes from the ceiling. The Paultimate Warrior comes out wearing the World Title around his waist with a brand new corn yellow leather piece to it. He grabs a mic, and this comes out.

"My fellow warriors, tonight, we have reached the pinnacle of our grand consistence. We have come from a far away place in the scope of time to be here and look into our own eyes to find out what it is that we are! And we know that we are WARRRRRRRRRRIORS! Now that you see I am wearing a shiny piece around my stone cold rock hard hips, you can see into my soul and into my heart that I am of pure DESTRUCTICITY, and I am the master of the xylophone! And with that tune, I am able to create a song that hypnotizes the world, and tells them to feel the power of the Paultimate Warrior, live through me, live vicariously through me and my powerful enormisity! And with this power, you can create the fuel! The fuel for the spaceship as we blast into the stars and the moon! And when we reach the planet Warrior, we will strip naked and dance with all the other little Warriors!

Under the moonlight, can you see the skeletons of your past and you can understand the ways of the Warrior, and feel his might and hygeine! Oh lord feel his hygeine and cleanliness! The Paultimate Warrior is clean and shaven! And with that shaveniscity, I, the Paultimate Warrior will bring the irregularness to the WWE! With the Planet Warrior World Title, I will show the galaxies million of miles away watching on their monitors on channel Z6420 that I AM THE PAULTIMATE WARRIOR! And I will take you to a place that you have never been before! I will take you into the recesses, the backalleys, and the clubs of life! And there we will partake in Plinko for a chance to win up to $50,000 in cash! And when we come back, you will truly understand the power of the Warrior, and the only way to live is....to...

SURVIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

And that closes out the show...

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

-----------------

And that's all for tonight. Tomorrow, more insanity!

ECW on Sci-Fi

August 29, 2006

The end of the beginning of the end of August.

1. Maven vs. Mikey Whipwreck

And we start the show with a caw through the chilly air, and out comes the cult mastermind, the Maven. Whipwreck is a bit nervous, and he should be. Maven takes him apart with punches and a bulldog and sets up a chair. Mikey eats a drop toe hold in and blades for effect. Maven screams in his ear, he's just a victim of his renaissance. Nothing more, nothing less. He then pulls poor Mikey up and gives him a Maven Effect for the 3 count. Afterwards, Terry Funk hobbles to the ring, but Maven has already turned around by the time Terry gets there and proceeds to hit him in the nuts with the chair. Since Terry it getting old, he doesn't feel it and proceeds to left hand Maven until he runs like a SCALDED DOG. That son of a bitch, Maven runs away from that son of a bitch Terry Funk. CW is watching backstage with his NWA TV Title over his shoulder while sipping a Diet Rite. What a son of a bitchin way to end that segment.

2. The Big Foot is backstage hiding behind boxes trying not to be seen by the camera. He's Big Foot after all. That's when the world's greatest lawyer steps in from the side.

OBJECTION~!

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=946256

Big Foot ain't gonna hear this! He grabs Stevie by the throat and chokeslams him vertical into the wall! Stevie is left down in a heap as Big Foot goes back to hiding and diving behind crates and boxes throughout the hallway.

3. Lance Storm the Alien & Japanese Tourist Tajiri vs. Mordecai & Masteroth

Tajiri thinks this is familiar. It's Chris Masters dressed up like that Sephiroth guy! Oh, all those kids in Japan do that these days! Masteroth doesn't take to kindly to Tajiri breaking kafaybe, and he hits him with a Polish Hammer we shall call the Masamune. Mordecai hits a Franchiser on the Alien (who must be pissed at the way the aliens on Pluto are being treated). Mordecai kicks him in Uranus and throws him to the outside. Uranus jokes will never get old. Mordecai then bearhugs Tajiri up and tosses him right into the Two Winged Angel from Masteroth, and the poor Japanese Tourist who just wants to take pictures and see the sights passes out from the power. After the match, Lance Storm the Alien is getting up on the apron, when Masteroth points at him and suddenly, light appears from his hand... BIO SPELL! He poisoned Lance! Lance starts puking his guts out and running to the back as Masteroth cackles in laughter.

His HP points are still very high along with his MP... and then something comes on, on the big screen!

4. Kurt Angle is on the screen with the chair swinging freak, Balls Mahoney! Kurt gets the idea. 2 on 1 is their name of the game. Beat one guy down, and then destroy the other one. Well, he can play that game too. And now, he's got some backup to help him pull that off. Kurt introduces his Balls! Now that he has Balls, he will be able to beat Mordecai and Masteroth till their blue! And he will beat them over and over and over and over until they start spiting up..... blood. And then he will celebrate.... by wacking off backstage! Cause he's Olympic like that. Kurt then screams really loudly, ruptures his spleen and walks away.

Balls: "Um.... what he said. Without the spleen part."

Balls walks away. Masteroth seems amused.

5. Kelly Kelly is out now. She declares equal rights in ECW! You can guess how that gets over with the misogynistic crowds in ECW. Of course, after she declares equal rights, she strips to her bra and panties and says she will fight in them tonight. Aren't all equal rights activists hypocritical in some way shape and form anyways? Now that she wants equal, she wants equal opportunity. Sure, she doesn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch and a headlock from giving head, but she will get in there and challenge the greatest wrestler in the world...

*okay, at this point, she breaks into laughter, cause even she can't say that with a straight face*

"Hardcore" Hulk Hogan! And tonight, she declares she will win this non-title match and soon become the queen of ECW!

6. "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan vs. Kelly Kelly

Hogan wants to make sure Kelly wants to do this... and she responds with a dropkick... that only hits in Hogan's hip. It sends Hogan down since it is his hip after all. Kelly takes off her high heel shoe and starts to go to work on the ribs of Hogan! Holy snoogies! She can't wrestle worth a damn, but she can sure as hell hit you in the rib with a high heel! Hogan gets back up and ends up bodyslamming her to the greatest pop of the night. He lines up for an elbow, but she dodges it and reaches under the ring for something. She throws the make-up case at Hogan when she gets back in and kicks it in his face with a rising kick. KELLY KELLYNATOR!!!! She covers,.... 2 count! HULK UP! Hulk punches her down and then puts a rubbie duckie on top of her face. HOGAN LEGDROP ONTO THE RUBBIE DUCKIE INTO HER FACE! Yeah, she's comatose. 3 count and it's over.

Afterwards, Hogan poses for a while till Kelly Kelly wakes up. Hogan helps her up and they do Hogan poses for a few minutes (picture THAT). Hogan goes to hug Kelly... and KELLY LOW BLOWS HOGAN! Hogan goes down as Kelly goes up to the... TOP ROPE?! Kelly Kelly, RIPS OFF HER BRA (Hey, Sci-Fi, they probably ain't real anyways, so we can have them on the network.), and then... HITS A CORKSCREW SHOOTING STAR PRESS ON HOGAN! Kelly gets back up, puts her bra back on, and walks away calmly as everyone is left shocked with their mouths open.

Kelly Kelly walks up the aisle and right past Muhammad Hassan who stands in the aisleway with something on his shoulder... it looks like a replica of the ECW Title! What the fuck is going on? And we're off the air....

If Kelly has a legacy, will her future kids 300 years from now be named Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly? Just wondering.

WWE RAW

August 28, 2006

Billie Jean is not my lover. We're just fuck-buddies.

1. This is Vince. Vince is doing well. Very well indeed. And not just cause endorses erectile dysfunction pills and is getting laid every night by hot blonde 18 year olds. No, Vince is doing well because the Mighty Morphin Power Squad defeated the Degenerates and Samoans last night. And he also plans on them to wrestle tonight in another 5 on 5 match in the main event! Yes, that includes Shawn Michaels who was shot in the leg last night with an arrow from Mikey the Pink Ranger.

Mikey runs into the shot screaming "I'm Mikey the Pink Ranger, and I'm a badass mother fucker! I HAVE A BOW AND ARROW!"

2. Nicky the Black Ranger & Johnny the Yellow Ranger vs. The Eskimos

Rory and Robbie as Alaskan Eskimos who have come to America don't light the world on fire... so let's job them to the Black and Yellow Rangers! Mikey is still running around the ring screaming "I have a bow and arrow! Come and get me mother fuckers!" Rory finally goes after him to stop that, and that leaves Robbie in the ring to get his ass kicked and finished off with a Johnny Go Round from Johnny, and a Widowmaker from Nicky for the 3 count.

3. CM Punk and Maria are in the back as CM sits on a bench and forgives her for her hitting him with a shoe. The road and travel has affected her mind and all that. He understands. Maria: "I know Phil. It's my fault that you lost the IC title shot. But I'll see to it that you get another shot!" CM thanks the lord that he found the perfect girl. Drug free, alcohol free, tobacco free... just the perfect girl. He's gonna head into the hallway and get them a couple of Pepsis. He'll be right back.

CM closes the door as Maria's cheery face turns grim as reaches into her purse and pulls out a box of Virgin Slims and starts to smoke one!

4. And now we go to a shot out in the parking lot outside of the arena to see a big bus roll in with the words "This Bus Belong to Degeneration X" on it. The door opens and out pops about 20 strippers, Candice Michelle faking an orgasm, Benny Hill, Frank Zappa, Beth Phoenix (APPEARANCE POINTS ON WWE FANTASY!), a goat, a donkey, the 1996 Denver Broncos, and Degeneration X to a big pop. I have no clue which one got the biggest pop, so we'll just say the goat did.

5. Adult Education Teacher, Matt Striker is in WWE Champion Edge and Lita's locker room teaching them new positions to try.

Striker: "Now have you ever heard of ear sex?" Edge: "Uh... I think I'll pass." Lita: "I've done it before!" Edge is in supreme shock. Matt Striker is trying to teach them new positions to celebrate in now that Edge is free of John Cena forever and ever and ever. Lita says she learned a lot from those OMEGA orgies. Edge wishes he was in the Carolinas in the 1990s now. That was some kooky stuff. Lita: "You have no clue what they would put up Jeff Hardy's ass!"

6. Johnny Nitro vs. Ric Flair

Johnny Nitro comes out and declares that he and Melina have done ear sex since 2004. ROCK ON! But they never put anything up Jeff Hardy's ass for the record. Ric Flair tells Melina he has something for her ass, and Nitro attacks! Nitro beats Ric Flair and hits Edge's COD before lining Ric Flair up for the spear. Flair dodges and chops him into oblivion. Out runs Rob Conway screaming about the video game Ric Flair interrupted weeks ago! Flair decides to beale him in to go all Donkey Kong on his ass before Nitro runs in from the side with a Nitro Spear for the 3 count. Nitro and Melina race to the back to have ear sex while Conway slides in and beats down Ric Flair and hits My Fucking Finisher on him. And that was a Jin Kazama level beatdown right there.

7. Viscera Ross is backstage with his paintbrush and easel. And he says today we're going to paint some happy little bushes over to the side here using Vomituous Green and Ahmed Johnson Brown. I hope your happily offended. As he starts painting, we get some crossover appeal from a famous ECW figure...

OBJECTION~!

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=928644

Stevie Phoenix walks away with confidence. Meanwhile, Viscera seems shattered like so many pieces of glass.

8. "Randy" Randy Orton vs. Carlito

Orton doesn't want to do this to his life-long buddy, pal, and future butt buddy. Carlito is all fuck that and proceeds to be Orton around for about 5 minutes until Orton walks away from the match and takes a count-out. He asks why can't we talk about this over dinner? Carlito: "Cause you hate Mexican food!" This is the greatest one-sided bisexual love story ever produced on national television people. Beats out anything Alan Cummings ever did.

9. Backstage, Eric Bischoff isn't happy with the fact that KANE hasn't got the attention he deserves lately, so he's using his authority to make a match next week... next week, KANE will prove his worthiness by taking on both Randy Orton and his life partner, Carlito in a triple threat match for a title shot at Unforgiven. Carlito runs in to the shot screaming about he doesn't swing that way. Kane grabs Carlito's legs and giant swings him into the wall. Bischoff: "HOW DO YOU SWING NOW CARLITO!?" They walk away with the damage done. Orton looks on in the distance with tears rolling down his cheek.

10. Degeneration X vs. The Bashams, C Shelton Benjamin, Lance Cade, & Trevor Murdoch

C Shelton suggest that his team will probably...

A. Job

B. Job

C...... Aw hell, they're jobbing. Let's face it.

And before I continue, let me just say...

JOHN CENA WAS NOT ON THIS SHOW.

Now that we got that out of the way, Danny Basham continues to stay EVIL~! by kicking at Shawn's bad leg and going to town on it until Doug runs in to stop him and try to be a compassionate individual. Shawn tags in Umaga in the meantime, and it's HEADBUTTS AHOY! Umaga hits butt splashes to everyone but Trevor Murdoch, cause he knows Trevor has serious issues and he probably needs to join the same club with Roadkill. Umaga hits a final butt splash to Lance Cade as HHH gets in and hits the only move he uses for the night, the Pedigree for the victory. Yeah, I gotta keep putting HHH over. DX celebrate in the ring and that's supposed to be the end of the night, right? Well, this is only the tenth segment, so...

11. If you think that's the end of the show.... your WRONG! Vince appears on the screen outside and declares this to be the greatest night in the history of the WWE. For he has found the threat that will finish off those degnerates once and for all. And it's right behind me! He moves out of the way, and all we see is the DX Bus that was driven in for them... and that's when a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE boot steps crushing all the cars nearby! The camera scans up and up and up and up...

HOLY SHIT! IT'S THE MEGAZORD!

The Megazord towers over EVERYTHING and is as tall as the arena! With the Megazord Sword of Death in hand, he slashes down and destroys the DX Bus by cutting it in half and watching it explode! Vince, Shane-O-5, and the Mighty Morphin Power Squad in the cockpit of the Zord laugh it up as the show comes to a close....

This show was brought to you be Trojan. Please have sex.

------------------------------------------

Now according to the other board, this is the show where I either became a genius or lost my fucking mind. I'll let you be the judge. I'll post more tomorrow.

THE DIARY IS STILL ALIVE!

Sorry I haven't been posting anything on this as of late. I've been a busy beaver. I have gotten the chance to make a few more shows and I had posted them on the other boards. I will get them up over the next week or two. So yes, this still alive. And if your just reading this diary for the first time... welcome to the ride.

WWE Summerslam

August 27, 2006

Live from Tampa, Florida. Home of the ugliest uniforms in the world until the late 90s.

1. Kurt Angle vs. Masteroth

Tough call for the curtain jerker, but I wanted to start the match off with a bang. And right out of the gate, Kurt Angle tears his abdominal muscle with a bang. Masteroth is lead to the ring by the bowing Mordecai and they proceed to have a solid match. Masteroth looks for the Two Winged Angel, but Kurt Angle rolls through, seperates his shoulder and applies the ankle lock! Angle hears Mordecai entering the rink and breaks the little bones in his ear in the process and turns to belly to belly Mordecai out of the ring. That's when Masteroth throws his hand forward... and ice mysteriously appears zapping Kurt right in the chest! BLIZZAGA! Kurt Angle goes down in a heap as the 3 count is registered. Angle's HP has run out!

GAME OVER

2. WWE Intercontinental Title

Carlito © vs. "Randy" Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. Charlie Haas

Orton comes out declaring Carlito has the finest ass in the world. Haas is really begging for attention, because he walks up to Orton saying "What about me?" Orton gives him an "R"RKO and rolls him out to continue hitting on Carlito. CM Punk attacks them both from behind and turns into the wrestling match it should be. It degenerates into a high spot fest after a while until Orton nails a Thesz Press off the apron onto Carlito and humps him as much as he can until Haas pulls him off and posts him.

CM Punk and Haas fight in the ring to pure silence... so I radio in Punk to high kick Haas out of the ring and Carlito runs in to backcrack Punk for a 2 count and foot on the ropes. That's when Maria runs out! Carlito lifts Punk up, but Punk low blows him! Punk gets up as Maria gets in the ring... and Maria hits Punk with her shoe! Maria: "That's what you get for going out with that fine piece of ass.... oh wait, THAT'S ME! OH MY GOD PHIL ARE YOU OK?!" Randy comes in and preaches to the woman that he built a shrine for to come back to his hotel for some 3 way action later... that's when Haas runs in and dropkicks Orton out of the ring! Haas randomly kisses Maria to get a reaction, but everyone's kissed her already, so it's dead silence. He lifts up CM Punk and hits a Scoop Reverse DDT and gets the 3 count! Charlie Haas is the Intercontinental Champion!

To deafening silence.

*Pindrop*

Candice fakes an orgasm.

And that was the lone reaction to Charlie Haas' title win. This reign is gonna rock.

3. The Rolling Sea of FAT vs. Pimptista and the Godfather

The Rolling Sea of FAT comes out drinking tequila shots and eating the worm of course just to get the Godfather. AND THAT'S A SHOOT BROTHER! Pimptista and the Godfather are followed by the hos including special guest ho, Nicole Ritchie playing herself.

The Godfather stands on the apron jittering worried he needs a drink as Pimptista picks apart the fat cells. Ahmed eventually tugs on the pimp hand to try and get his glove off, but he gets a PIMP BACKHAND~! Mark Henry attacks by engulfing him in fat. Godfather waits on the apron as Ahmed waves the tequila bottle at him. Pimptista finally counters a running splash by rolling out of the damn way and gets the tag in! Godfather attacks with clotheslines and BIG HOSS SLAMS! He whips Ahmed into the turnbuckle and lines up for the HO TRAIN~~~~! CHUGA CHUGA CHUGA... Ahmed moves out of the way as the Godfather falls in the corner.... the same corner with the bottle of tequila. Godfather opens the bottle looking to go for a long drink... and breaks the bottle over Ahmed's head! The referee turns around seconds later after dealing with the Pimptista/Henry fight as Godfather covers for the 3! The Godfather has fought alcoholism... and the Godfather wins! He heads off to lead a crusade against Duff beer now.

D'OH!

4. DX (Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Samoa Joe, Jimmy Snuka, and Umaga) vs. The Mighty Morphin Power Squad

And it's Morphin Time in Tampa! God, typing that sentence felt so fucking good. DX comes out accompinied by a Samoan music group as the entire group does a Samoan dance. You haven't lived till you've seen HHH try to do a Samoan dance. They all end with crotch chops to prove why their in DX. The Squad go right after the Samoans and degenerates, but it doesn't work that well at first. It's HOSS AND VETERAN DOMINANCE! Nicky the Black Ranger is finally able to chop block the old man on the team (in this case, Jimmy Snuka). After an extended beat down, Kenny the Red Rangers misses a KennyKaze (Flying Legdrop) and Snuka is able to tag in Samoa Joe! JOE'S GONNA MAKE YOU SUCK IT!

Wow... I need to work on that phrase big time.

Joe chops and kicks people and places into the future and even hits a muscle buster on Johnny the Yellow Ranger! He gets a 2 count when Mitch the Blue Ranger saves. Shane-O-5 runs out with something in a bag and calls Mikey the Pink Ranger. Mikey: "Shane! Help! WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO BE THE PINK RANGER!" Shane pulls something out of the bag and Mikey's eyes light up behind his mask. Shane: "This is the reason."

Meanwhile, everyone has left the ring except Shawn Michaels and Kenny the Red Ranger. Shawn hit the big elbow and lines up for the Sweet Chin Music. He throws his foot out when an ARROW! YES AN ARROW comes flying in and stab Shawn right in the leg! Mikey used the Pink Ranger's bow to shoot an arrow right at Shawn Michaels leg! Shawn rolls around the ring bleeding and clutching his leg as Kenny leaps off the top rope with the KennyKaze for the 3 count.

5. NWA Television Title

CW Anderson © vs. Terry Funk

The Southern Boyz make a cameo by running and saying the COUNTRY BOYS WILL SURVIVE! Terry Funk smacks them with a cookie sheet to get them out of the way. CW's about to say something about baking cookies the old fashioned way before Terry pops him with a sheet to start this match off proper. The classic old school NWA brawl as I completely unban the piledriver (and somewhere Jerry Lawler wacks off) and let Terry Funk piledrive CW until he's thinks it's the 1930s. Terry Funk goes up top looking for his Ancient Moonsault, but Maven runs in and pulls Terry down! It's an ECW match, so there's no DQs! Maven then grabs Terry's head and Maven Effect's him into the mat! He then spikes CW for shits and giggles and just sits back in the corner wanting to see who gets up first. Funk is able to crawl to CW first... 1...2... TIME EXPIRED! Yep, it's the TV title. 15 minute time limits! Terry Funk took too long to crawl over for the cover. Maven gets up with a cruel and sinister look on his face. The microphones catch him mouthing the words "This is only the beginning of the renaissance." CW wakes up wondering where the hell he's at and did he miss the latest Miami Vice. Don Johnson was so fucking awesome.

6. WWE United States Title

Lashley © vs. Mark Jindrak vs. GODZILLA!

Lashley and Mark Jindrak agree to beat the crap out of GODZILLA! first and then face each other. You can guess how that goes. Daivari just runs around screaming how were gonna die, so Lashley comes out there and heaves him into the 10th row to get him to shut up. Lashley turns around right into a BIG ASS DROPKICK on the floor! It's on the floor, so it hurts extra more.

GODZILLA! for once waits patiently in the ring waiting for the other two guys to decimate each other. Jindrak enters the ring and leaps for the DROPKICK, but GODZILLA! moves and hits him with his tail. GODZILLA! decimates Jindrak for a while before going for a ball of fire... he shoots it, and he misses Jindrak, but lights a turnbuckle on fire! Jindrak nails GODZILLA! with a BIG ASS DROPKICK from behind and GODZILLA! catches on fire! Even GODZILLA! knows stop, drop, and roll, and that's exactly what he does. Jindrak then covers for a 1 before he gets pressed right out of the ring! Lashley and his huge muscles are back in the ring now, and he goes to work on GODZILLA! with powerful punches and lariats that can't knock him down! He finally goes for a top rope one, but eats a CLOTHESLINE FROM TOKYO! Jindrak enters the ring with a springboard... and eats a GODZILLA! BOMB! GODZILLA! covers Lashley with his body and Jindrak with his tail and pins them both at the same time to win the U.S. Title!

Daivari recovers in the seats to scream "GODZILLA! HAS TAKEN OVER THE CONTINENTAL 48! ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE AND SOME BLACK PEOPLE ARE DOOMED!" GODZILLA! celebrates by breathing some more fire and carrying the belt off in his teeth.

7. WWE Championship

Edge © vs. John Cena

Edge lost another game of truth or dare, so he has to wrestle the match in a thong with a heart on the front of it. The heart grows everytime Edge looks at Lita. Orton: "I can tell."

Cena is RESILIANT, CONTROVERSIAL, and UNORTHODOX so he gets the early advantage until Lita trips him up with an S & M whip. Edge spears Cena from behind and out of the ring to start the heat segment. Cena is finally able to hit a flying shoulder block and start his combo that leads up to the Fireman's Carry of Doom. He hits and puts on the STF OF FREAKING DEATH as Lita freaks out on the outside. She pulls the ref out and starts arguing with him as she tosses Edge something on the side... IT'S A LOADED BANANA! Cena takes a shot from the loaded banana, and there's the 3 count for Edge! Edge retains the title thanks to Lita and her loaded banana. I can't type that without laughing and grimacing at the same time.

ON THIS DAY

HE CAN SEE CLEARLY

8. ECW World Championship

"Hardcore" Hulk Hogan © vs. "Vote For" Muhammad Hassan "In 2008"

Before we start this, I would just like to say...

JOHN CENA IS LEAVING THE BUILDING.

Okay, now to the match. Muhammad rides his carpet to the ring and attacks Hogan from the get-go to get those votes. People want a president who's on top of everything right away. He goes right after Hogan's neck setting up the Horse Clutch (because camel's don't work on this side of things). He goes for the clutch, but Hogan powers out and snapmares him over. One of Muhammad's supporters leaps on the apron to protest, but Hogan knocks him out with a chop! Hogan used a chop! News at 11! Hogan turns around right into a Ballot Punch! Hassan covers... and gets the 3 count!

Muhammad parades around the ring holding the ECW title until the ref realizes Hogan's foot was on the bottom rope! The referee restarts the match as Muhammad loses his mind. He covers again for 2, but the Hardcore one pushes off of him and HULKS UP! He hits the 3 punches, a big boot, and nails Muhammad in the head with an inner tube! It's Hogan, so Muhammad is unconscious! Hogan then drops the leg and gets the 3 count! He heads to the back with the ECW Title still around his waist.

Meanwhile, no one notices the fact that Muhammad Hassan has one foot under the bottom rope during that entire pinfall.

DUN DUN DUN.....

9. World Heavyweight Championship

King Booker of Pluto © vs. The Paultimate Warrior

The Paultimate Warrior simply walks to the ring knowing the gravity of tonight's match. He still takes some time out of his schedule though to shake the ropes and blow up already. King Booker comes out with his World title and 30 of his loyalist subjects from Pluto who declare "#%$^*$_}|}#%#^$($%$#OOOOOOOHH@$#@%$#@%$#()^*$^$)^^(^(^*()$^$)(}{" That's either Plutonian for "ALL HAIL KING BOOKER" or "FREE PLUTO FROM THE DAMN ASTROLOGY BOARD!" Take your pick.

The blue creatures surround the ring almost like a lumberjack match. King Booker pitches the Warrior to the floor and the Plutonians attack! Warrior takes 5 of them out with right hands before entering the ring and eating a leaping super kick. He takes the heat segment longer than usual making people wonder if he was ready for the main event. He's finally able to power out of a chinlock and hit a flying shoulderblock... and HE GRABS THE ROPES! He starts getting his energy back when about 10 Plutonians leap on the apron to distract the ref! IT'S THE LITTLE BASTARD! GO 2 SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! The Warrior is out of it! Booker covers...

TWO COUNT! The King looks to finish him off with a Book-End, but Warrior spins the arm around and hits a judo STO and GRABS THE ROPES AGAIN! Cue the no-selling! Shoulder block! Clothesline! Clothesline! Clothesline! A Plutonian runs in and the Paultimate Warrior gorilla presses him right onto all 29 other Plutonians taking them out! PILE-UP! Booker goes for the scissor kick, but Paul raises his head and gorilla presses King Booker over head! BOOM! He goes down! BAM! WARRIOR SPLASH! 1...2...3! NEW WORLD CHAMPION!

And The Paultimate one swings the World Heavyweight Belt around his head like it was nothing! He runs around the ring gassing himself up in celebration on defeating the King of Pluto! He kicked Uranus!

The final scene is The Paultimate Warrior standing on the turnbuckle over 30 Plutonians and King Booker with the World Heavyweight Title over his shoulder.

The proceeding show was full of destructicity.

------------------------

I'll let that show sink in a bit. The rest of the shows will be up over the next few days. Thoughts? Comments? Cries for help?

Before the show even started, The Godfather told me he has a deep alcohol problem. My response:

"Your point being?" I HAVE ALCOHOL DEPENDENCY! "Oh don't we all. Now let's go out there and have a rollicking good time tonight! I'm all about some Smirnoff Triple Black after this show." Godfather walks away while drinking a mixed drink called "Fuck Me in the Shower".

Orton: "Ok."

GO AWAY RANDY! YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON THIS SHOW!

WWE Smackdown!

August 25, 2006

With 100% less D-Ray 3000.

1. World Champion King Booker of the Undead comes out with Finlay, Regal, his wife, the little bastard, and 300 druids to guard him against the power of the Warrior. You see, when Finlay challenged him last week... he didn't challenge him to just any match... no sir... it was to a tag match! It shall be Finlay and Regal taking on the Paultimate Warrior and whoever he can find in the back that is insane enough to tag with him! The Paultimate Warrior's voice is then projected through the PA system as we hear him say "WARRIORISM TEACHES ME NEVER TO BACK DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE! I ACCEPT! BY THE WAY OF WARRIORISM AND AN S & M SANTA CLAUS, I WILL SMITE YOUR KNIGHTS AND TAKE YOU DOWN KING BOOKER OF HADES FIRE AND BURNING FEELING IN THE CROTCH! WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVATE!

2. Gunner Scott vs. Paul Burchill

Gunner comes out and kisses a pretty blonde sitting over the rail. Announcers say her name is Janie Tyler and she's Gunner's girlfriend who was in town for this show. Gunner and Burchill have a solid match that ends with Burchill missing his standing SSP, and Gunner rocking him with the Double Barrel Shotgun Blast for the 3 count. Burchill goes for a handshake on Gunner. Gunner remembers that in Burchill's times, they used those cool guns with the powder and cannons, so he declares Burchill to RAWK. They shake hands and go off to discuss where they can find some gun powder so they can find the Morning Star, blow it up, and take the treasure.

Geena Davis: "But I already did that!" Shut up. You're Geena Davis.

3. The Godfather and Pimptista are backstage trying to pimp out a few hoes to the guys in the back. Pimptista: "C'mon Funaki. Let's face it, after GODZILLA! burned ya, the only way you're gonna get a chick is by paying for one." They keep going till they look behind them and notice one of the girls is missing. They smell something odd coming from a nearby room and then here a shrill scream. They enter the room to find Ahmed and Henry gnawing on the missing ho's leg as she's screaming for her life! Henry: "Your right Ahmed. Human flesh IS good!" Pimptista and the Godfather run in for the save. Pimptista: "Cannibalism? What is this world coming to?" Godfather: "Uh.... if a cow ate a hamburger, would that be canniblism?" Ho: "WTF? I'm sitting here with my leg bleeding and nearly eaten! And you two are gonna strike up a philosophical conversation?"

Pimptista and Godfather: "SHUT UP HO!"

Woah... how does a ho know a world like philosophical?

Godfather: "I need a drink."

4. Bikini Contest

Michelle McDonalds vs. Jillian Hall

Hosted by Cruiserweight Champion - Sugar Shane Helms

Shane Helms comes out to tell us he's putting a new band together. And it will be bigger and better than 3 Count! But for now, let's take a look at a couple of semi-naked chicks and pretend we have raging hard-ons for em! YEAH! Jillian Hall comes out in a tasteful red number. Very Bikini Round-Upish from Showtime Softcore porn. McDoanlds comes out with two Big Mac's taped to her boobs and a large order of fries tied to some rope in front of her poonani. She loves to see you smile. McDonalds wins of course. Product placement ROCKS! Who's up for a Happy Meal?!

5. The Southern Boyz backstage apologizing about last week for Get Over Here Dammit pissing on a cord and sending UPN into static for a while. But now that we're over that, it's on to the match tonight! Tonight they go against Jindrak and Lashley with their titles on the line. They know they can beat them... cause they wacky partners who hate each other! STARS AND BARS! Let's go Get Over Here Dammit!

They walk away as Brian Kendrick walks into the shot walking by. He takes a step and looks down at his show. Allright, who took a dump on the floor?! Rey Mysterio: "It wasn't me! My name's not Randy Orton!"

6. WWE Tag Team Titles

Wacky Partners Who Hate Each Other Match

The Southern Boyz © vs. Mark Jindrak & Lashley

The Southern Boyz show off their great tag team skills as Jindrak and Lashley argue over in the corner about leaping ability and giant muscles. Later, Jindrak and Lashley are able to get it together as Lashley holds Noble in a gorilla press and Jindrak FLIES UP and hits a BIG ASS DROPKICK on Noble! It looks like it's over... AND RACER X'S MOST POPULAR SONG HITS! Daivari runs out screaming "OH IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!" and here comes GODZILLA! GODZILLA! stalks down the aisle slowly as Jindrak and Lashley stare at him. This gives Kash an opportunity to low blow Jindrak and toss him out. He then chop blocks Lashley and rolls him up with a handful of tights for a three count. Kash and Noble celebrate wtih Get Over Here Dammit.

GODZILLA! cackles and breaths fire in the aisleway. GODZILLA! had a plan? Go figure! It's GODZILLA! He can do anything! If he wanted to save little kids in burning buildings, he would. But he doesn't have to. Why? CAUSE HE'S GODZILLA! He burns the buildings down with one breath!

7. As GODZILLA! walks back to the back though, the same video is shown from last week with just the shadow of a really round man on the screen. GODZILLA! goes crazy and starts breathing fire everywhere! Fire hits the electrical equipment and well... for the rest of the night, we have no lights in the arena except a spotlight on the ring. We would have more, but we're cheap and we got the generator from a K-Mart Distribution Center.

8. Emo Hardy and The Miz the Corpse are backstage with a couple of candles lit and pentagrams drawn on the floor. Emo declares this power outage to be the greatest thing he has ever seen in his pathetic life. Finally, the darkness and sadness has overtaken the WWE! Isn't that right Miz!

Miz: "..." Miz can't say anything cause he's dead. Emo hugs him and declares the Miz to be his bestest friend in the whole world. They should totally become emo blood brothers or something like that. Hardkore Chik thinks this gimmick is stupid and is totally not what emos are. But she likes Jeff Hardy, so she's disqualified from making any comments about this diary.

9. Masato Tanaka vs. Mark Henry

Masato Tanaka proceeds to Rolling Elbow Henry into next week, but Mark Henry has never had to take a forearm before and doesn't know how to sell besides standing there and drooling like he saw a KFC value meal. He probably didn't see it either since everything is still so fucking dark. In the end, Masato goes for Diamond Dust, but Ahmed leaps on the apron to stop that. Masato kicks him off... then Simon Dean runs while the ref is distracted by Ahmed! Simon Dean pulls Masato off Henry and obliterates him with the Revolting Renegade Radio Rasheed Death Drop! Masato is legally dead and Henry covers for the 3. All 3 go to attack the helpless Masato till Pimps R' Us runs in for the save! They proceed to PIMP SLAP Simon Dean out of the ring as the Rolling Sea of FAT runs away from the one hand beat down. Dean is angry because he invented the Pimp Slap back when it was named the Simon Says I'll Slap Your Fucking Face.

10. Finlay and William Regal stand in the ring awaiting the Paultimate Warrior to show up. His music doesn't work since we are out of electricity besides the ring spotlight. He comes seeming just for a handicap match when someone starts humming music! And out from the back walks a man in golf gear, golf clubs and a hat modeled after Payne Stewart. It's "HOLE-IN-ONE" BARRY DARSOW! He waves to the crowd thanking them for supporting him on the PGA tour! Now sure, he hasn't made it there yet, but damn it, you can't knock the National tour! Paultimate Warrior has no clue what he's doing here, and his clothes are a little gay, and QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK!.... but he's willing to ask him to tag with him anyway. He thinks he can convert Mr. Darsow to the ways of Warriorism! Darsow says "......Um. Ok." And here we go!

11. Finlay & William Regal vs. The Paultimate Warrior & "Hole-In-One" Barry Darsow

Barry Darsow wanted this to be a putting challenge, but Finlay responds to that but nailing with a sick left arm lariat. Darsow plays Mini-Golf Player in peril for a while until Regal misses a running knee and Darsow nails him with a FOREEEEEEEEEarm shiver! TAG TO THE WARRIOR! SHOULDER BLOCKS! CLOTHESLINES! BODY SLAMS! IT'S MASS CHAOS! In the end, Paul hits his gorilla press on Regal. Meanwhile, 27 druids come out and beatdown Darsow with his own clubs. THE IRONY! Finlay comes in with a shelighgligdgldfdlj and nails Warrior with it multiple times as the Little Bastard distracts the ref. Finlay covers and actually pins the Paultimate Warrior 1,2,3! King Booker stands in the entryway with his undead wife nodding in approval as the druids enter the ring and just absolutely slaughter the Warrior as we go off the air.

Afterwards, Barry Darsow gets up and declares this to suck more than Demolition Crush. Yeah, he said it. WHO'S IDEA WAS IT FOR A THIRD MEMBER?!

-------------------------

Alright, after this show comes WWE Summerslam. I'm gonna post the card and leave it up for about 2 or 3 days to give time for predictions. For those who have seen the diary on Gamefaqs, please don't predict and spoil it for anyone else. If you would like to predict, more power to you! Here's the card!

WWE on LSD and Stridex Acne Pads presents:

WWE Summerslam

ECW

ECW World Title

"Hardcore" Hulk Hogan © vs. "Presidential Candidate" Muhammad Hassan

Kurt Angle vs. Masteroth w/Mordecai

NWA Television Title

CW Anderson © vs. Terry Funk

RAW

5 on 5 Tag Team Match

DX (Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Jimmy Snuka, Umaga, Samoa Joe) vs. The Mighty Morphin Power Squad

WWE Title

Edge © vs. John Cena

Intercontinental Title Fatal 4-Way

Carlito © vs. "Randy" Randy Orton vs. Charlie Haas vs. CM Punk

Smackdown

World Heavyweight Title

King Booker © vs. The Paultimate Warrior

Rolling Sea of Fat vs. Pimptista and the Godfather

WWE United States Title

Lashley © vs. Mark Jindrak vs. GODZILLA!

WWE Smackdown!

August 18, 2006

9 Days away from a PPV. Whodaythunkit?

1. Pimptista vs. Ahmed Johnson

Ahmed comes out eating a foot long weiner. Just keep reading that sentence over and over until it makes you cry. Pimptista comes out with his hos... no surpsise yet. They put on the sloppy match you'd expect with Ahmed hitting spinebusters and axe kicks, but flubbing punches. Pimptista hits the spinebuster, and here comes Mark Henry for the totally blantant DQ.

They stomp down Batista and set him up for a second rope Ham Sandwich (with Mayo) when some familiar music hits and out walks a figure in a big ass silver fur coat with about 10 ladies! Pimps up, hos down! It's the Godfather! The Godfather drops the coat and just starts swinging his cane around like crazy. The Rolling Sea of FAT run away from Kama Mustafa as a pimp and the crowd erupts for The Godfather......'s ladies. You really think the Godfather is over? It's all about the women! Godfather: "Okay, so I helped your ass out. Where's my diamond encrusted pimp cup?!"

2. Theodore Long is in the back trying to figure out why people eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups rather than Milk Duds. There's only TWO, count em' TWO peanut butter cups when you buy em! You get a million and a half milk duds for the same price. But there's no time for that right now, for right is the time to book matches! GODZILLA! demands gold... well he'll get his shot. You see, in an effort to rip off the booking from the better shows even more, Lashley has announced he will defend his US title against BOTH "Our Hero" Mark Jindrak and GODZILLA! in a triple threat match. And in the main event tonight, GODZILLA! will be in action! You see, Theodore Long looked through a computer roster of all the wrestlers in the world and picked the one with the most badass name to face GODZILLA!. So tonight, it will be GODZILLA! taking on the man with the greatest name in the world... D-RAY 3000! With a name like that, how can he lose?!

3. Hot Topic (Emo Hardy & The Miz the Corpse) vs. Tatanka & Sits on 20

Sits on 20 war dances out with a pretty sad look on his face. Even HE realizes the crap I'm booking here. Emo Hardy drags the Miz out in a wheelbarrow and props his dead body on the ropes. We can see parts of Miz's flesh starting to peel off. Hardy says he needs to look into a skin care consultant. Tatanka doesn't feel like hearing poems tonight and goes right to chopping shit up. Emo Hardy suffers some Native American punishment before dodging a tomahawk chop and taging in the Miz! Unfortuantely, when he tags him, the Miz's body falls off the apron, and onto the floor and gets counted out. D'OH! Tatanka and Sits on 20 celebrate by playing video poker and desecrating their own land even more. Emo Hardy starts singing "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". Tatanka chops him to get him to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

4. Brian Kendrick is backstage talking to Rey Mysterio who has decided to have some Quessadillas tonight. Kendrick asks Rey if everything has gotten weird around here or is it just him? Rey says it has been kinda odd. So anyways... SPLAT Paint suddenly splatters behind him on the wall! All of a sudden, a shower of paintballs comes from around the corner hitting Rey and Kendrick as they cover and hide behind a box! The camera turns to see Gunner Scott in paintball gear! "I can finally shoot a gun and hurt people too much! YEAH! Thank God for savings accounts!" He then runs shoots a purple paintball right at the camera lens for an awesome fadeout. ROCK ON GUNNER!

5. The Rematch

Simon Dean vs. Masato Tanaka

Let the no-selling and crazy moves begin! Simon Dean fires first with a Quadruple Stacker Combo! Masato attacks after that with a head dropping Alpine Ski Trip! Simon Dean fights back with the 90210! Masato hits the Egg Timer! The Bill Grammatica! Pork Grind! The Slamajamma! Rugrats: Chucky's Revenge! The Super Shredder! Teenage Mutant Ninja Heart Punch! The Shanks! SCUBA Buster! The Kneecap Kick of Fire and Rage! The Tokyo Surprise! The Eyepoke (A poke to the stomach, the name throws you off)! The Lost Move! We reach the 15 minute time limit, and the referee just walks away as the fun continues!

Linkin Park's Metora! The Grand Cross! Double Jump Stomp to the Kidney! Homerpalooza! SupercalifragilisticexpialliWHATAMOVE! The 720 Dropkick! Hillbilly Ball Buster! Kodak Family Moment! And they finish each other with a double Buddha Temple Driver at the same time! MY GOD THE CARNAGE!

6. World Heavyweight Champion King Booker of the Undead comes out tonight (I figured I'd stick with this gimmick for a bit. That way I have an endless supply of druids to get beat up.) At Summerslam, he fights a guy on too much caffine, anti-depressants, and tassles. WAY too much tassles. CUE THE MUSIC! The Paultimate Warrior runs around the ring for about 3 minutes, catches his breath, and then starts to speak. King Booker is worried about his clothing? You worry about your own King Booker! A crown and a cape? That look makes you look a bit queer! Let me tell you something Booker. LANCE BASS DOESN'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! At Summerslam, his Warrior Powers will ACTIVATE at their highest point, and he will become the champion of the Warrior World! And they'll he be able to spread the word of the Warrior.... TO THE UNIVERSE! King Booker then declares how can Paultimate Warrior challenge for the title when he's..... DEAD?!

That's when an army of druids come to attack the Paultimate Warrior nails them all with flimsy clotheslines and gorilla presses one out of the ring! The Little Bastard runs in for a cheap shot, but the Warrior is aware of him and bearhugs him into oblivion before dropping him. Booker runs away scared of the complete awe-inspiring power of the Paultimate One. GO PRAY TO YOUR WARRIOR IDOLS NOW! DO IT!

Total number of druids beat down: 23

7. ~The Mark Jindrak High Jump Challenge~

Mark Jindrak gets the hero's welcome and calls out the latest person to try and leap higher than him... Bobby Lashley! Lashley looks like some took an air pump, shoved it down his mouth, and pumped for about five minutes. Mark Jindrak is all about friendly challenges and stuff. He has no problem with Bobby. He just wants tosee if he can do this...

He proceeds to touch the bar way high above him and come down to the biggest ovation of the night. He steps aside and let's Bobby Lashley try. Lashley is an All-American, army ranger, football player, and big angry black man. Lashley gets some good height... but he can't reach. Mark Jindrak wins! Thanks for coming out tonight people! Remember kids, jump high for your dreams and don't do drugs!

Lashley was walking away, but turns around and stares right at Jindrak. He grabs the mic forcefully and asks him what he said. "Jump High." After that. "Don't do drugs." I'M NOT ON ANY STEROIDS BITCH! "Woah, I never said-" Lashley SPEARS Jindrak off his feet and proceeds to punch away at his face trying to draw blood! LASHLEY IS IN A RAGE! It takes about 15 referees and security guards and three random druids to get Lashley off of Jindrak and drag him to the back.

8. WWE Tag Team Champions, Jamie Noble and Kid Kash are backstage with interviewer Kristal Marshall and a hunting dog named Get Over Here Dammit! They've got no friends on the road lately, so they decided to bring their dog with him. We'd like you to meet Get Over Here Dammit! Get Over Here Dammit celebrates getting on TV by pissing on a cable and sending UPN into static for the next 5 minutes of this interview. Probably the best segment of the night. HEE-HAW!

9. Sylvan Potter vs. Gunner Scott

Gunner Scott comes out sans gun in paintball gear. Sylvan comes out with big rimmed glasses and a wand. He points at Gunner and says "Extremlius Suckius". Sadly, nothing happens and Gunner Scott proceeds to kick ass. He finishes off Sylvan fast with the Double Barreled Shotgun Blast for the victory, and here come the cops! They arrest him for having a weapon on public property. IT'S A FREAKING PAINTBALL GUN! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

10. The Paultimate Warrior is back in his locker room sorting out his tassles by color and size when he turns to put the green ones up... BAM! Shelayleigigigigigigih to the head! Finlay has struck the Paultimte Warrior! The Little Bastard comes off of the locker room bench with a Ghetto Stomp to the Warrior's ribs! There's no ropes to help Paul Warrior up, so he's left laying with Finlay screaming about how he challenges him next week! The Paultimate Warrior sells this attack for one reason... FINLAY~~!

11. GODZILLA! vs. D-Ray 3000

I think Theodore is pretty underwhelmed when he finds out D-Ray is just a skinny black guy who keeps coming his afro. He was hoping for some badass stormtropper looking guy with a death ray. Gunner: "HYPOCRITE HYPOCRITE HYPOCRITE!" Daivari runs out screaming "THE NEXT UNITED STATES CHAMPION IS COMING! HE WILL DESTROY SAN FRANSISCO AND THEIR CABLE CARS!!" GO GO GODZILLA! D-Ray offers to comb GODZILLA!'s scales. You can guess how that goes. This is a true slaughter that ends with a Clothesline from Tokyo and a GODZILLA BOMB! to end it all. GODZILLA! goes for a second GODZILLA BOMB!, but something on the titantron catches his image. It's just a shadow... but it's a shadow of a REALLY round man. GODZILLA! stalks off to the back screaming and ranting, but not before breathes a big ass FIREBALL into the ring that catches D-Ray's hair on fire giving us a nice display to end this show.

The Little Bastard then went to NWA Florida and proclaimed to take over the X-Division.

WWE RAW

August 21, 2006

Promiscuous RAW

You're teasing me

You know what I want

And I got what you need

1. We get a shot of DX pulling up in the parking lot out of a rental Saturn. HHH, HBK, Snuka, Umaga, and Samoa Joe all get out, and then more and more Samoans pop out of the car like it's a clown car or something. After about the 38th person getting out of the car, they shut the door and make their way to the arena ready for battle tonight. Umaga and Joe then proceed to hump and spray paint a car nearby with "DX" on it to show why they are in DX.

2. Edge & Johnny Nitro vs. Ric Flair & Eugene

Ric Flair takes about 70 right hands in the corner and does a flair flop. Eugene then takes 70 right hands and does a Eugene Flop and starts convulsing like a fish. Flair counters that by dropping a knee on nothing on the mat. Eugene counters that by flying off the top rope with an elbow drop into nothing. Flair counters that by smashing a chair in his own face, and WWE Champion Edge covers for the 3 count. Edge and Nitro do 5 second poses with Melina and Lita straddled across them. Nitro declares this gig to "fucking rule".

3. We get a video of John Cena training to become the next WWE champion. He's running through "the cold hard streets of Massachusetts (he's running through the suburbs and we see people in shorts and halter tops since it's 95 that day of the shoot). He's preparing his mind and body for this match (he's playing chess with a 6 year old... and losing). And he's studied ever move Edge has in his arsenal (he's playing Smackdown vs. RAW 2006 and getting pinned after Edge's spear). He's ready to fight Edge at Summerslam. HUSTLE, LOYALTY, RESPECT,..... REGANOMICS!

4. Viscera comes down to the ring with a huge afro and a board with paint on it, and an easel already set up in the ring. Today, he has become Viscera Ross! And he will show you the wonders of painting. And today, we're gonna paint a waterfall landscape near the rainforests of Brazil. No we start with a little bit of this green and we're just gonna paint a happy little bush over here...

One minute in, Eric Bischoff can't stand this stuff and calls out KANE! for a typical impromptu match.

5. Special Major League Beatdown Match

Kane vs. Viscera Ross

Kane beats Viscera's ass all over the place and caps him off with a chokeslam. Velvet Rope Red goes everywhere.

6. Snitsky is backstage moaning about how much he has gone into the tank since main eventing Survivor Series back in 2004. Snitsky: "Man... I was actually over!" Doug Basham walks into the room telling him to look up and cherish the fact you had a run. Life is a great thing, and your living it. Be happy man. You want a free coupon for Steak N' Shake? "The Nice Twin" Doug Basham looks like he's cheering Snitsky up when "EVIL TWIN" DOUG BASHAM RUNS IN! He beats him down screaming "YOU LIKE FEET! HOW BOUT THIS MOTHER FUCKER?" He proceeds to stomp Snitsky's head in while Doug tries to pull him back. Doug aplogizes deeply to Snitsky as Snitsky is down on the ground mumbling something about Sketchers.

7. CM Punk vs. Charlie Haas

CM Punk has officially moved to RAW to be with his sweetheart more often and he is now in the IC title match at Summerslam as well. Charlie Haas will not stand for this! Punk: "Aren't you married?" Haas: ".... Yeah. I WANT MARIA'S POONANI!" The crowd doesn't care about Haas wanting it of course. He's MARRIED. So they shit on this match as CM Punk goes for his Pepsi Twist... and after a few sips, he goes for his move, the Pepsi Twist. Haas ducks it and hits the Haastruction on Punk... and here comes Carlito! Carlito runs in and attacks Punk for the DQ! You can't have that piece of ass and get away with it! Haas snaps on Carlito for costing him the match and locks him in the Haas of Pain! Carlito screams in pain to make a couple of people actually care! Haas raises his arms in victory... to silence.

8. Carlito is backstage after the commercial laying on a trainer's bench with his back hurting. He asks the doctor if she'll fix that for him. We see some hands giving him a massage. Carlito is starting to feel better. That feels good. Yeah, he needs it on the lower back...mmm.... heh, getting a feel of Carlito's ass eh? Quite the kinky babe. Wait... what are you doing... o wtf, are you trying to give me a prostate exam? O fuck! Carlito turns to see "Randy" Randy Orton giving the massage and butt treatment! Carlito gives him a left hook and runs like hell.

9. Ric Flair is backstage walking when Rob "FUCKING" Conway runs in from the side and attacks Flair and starts stomping away on him on the ground! He hits My Fucking Finisher on the floor and screams at Flair about distracting him while playing Final Fantasy X last week which is still sold in stores all over the country. He's gonna open a fucking case of Auron's whomp-ass! Bitch!

I just started a feud over Final Fantasy X. King Booker & Edge: "At least it's not shampoo."

10. We go to a video hyping up the RAW side of Summerslam to the tune of 99 Red Balloons by Goldfinger. RED BALLOONS FOR EVERYONE AT SUMMERSLAM! PLEASE SELL OUT THE BUILDING!

WWE Title

Edge © vs. John Cena

Degneration-X (Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Umaga, Samoa Joe, & Jimmy Snuka vs. The Mighty Morphin Power Squad

Intercontinental Title Fatal 4-Way

Carlito © vs. CM Punk vs. "Randy" Randy Orton vs. Charlie Haas

Candice fakes an orgasm.

3 matches for each brand. Buy the tickets. GET BALLOONS! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!

11. Umaga, Samoa Joe, & Jimmy Snuka vs. Nicky the Black Ranger, Mikey the Pink Ranger, & Kenny the Red Ranger

Mikey wants to be any color but pink. Bookerman: "How about purple?" Mikey: "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" On to the match... Rangers fly everywhere. The Samoans kick all sorts of ass and Jimmy goes up for the splash. The rest of the Squad runs in for the DQ and here comes the non-Samoan members of DX for the save! It's a major league cluster-fuck as Shane O-5 comes out tries to knock people out with his arm. It doesn't work until Mikey screams for a PTERODACTYL. Next thing you know, the PTERODACTYL zord comes in from the ceiling shooting lasers that stun and knock out DX! The Power Squad stands tall over everyone as we fade to black and I realize how much money I just used up to make that freaking zord.

They call me Thomas. Last name Crown.

Recognize game, I'm gonna lay mines down.

ECW on Sci-Fi

August 22, 2006

I should use Mike Knox more.... or not.

1. And we open the show with NWA Television Champion, CW Anderson in the ring rambling on and on about how great Tab tastes. And after that New Coke... and remember Crystal Pepsi? Oh that was some great stuff right there. It was better than acid! And oh yeah, what was up with Maven dressing as Raven last week? That's lame! Out hobbles Terry Funk and he declares to be the most son of a bitchin thing he's ever seen. CRYSTAL PEPSI GOOD? THEM'S FIGHTIN' WORDS! Next thing you know, lefts and lefts are flying all over the place! And in the middle of all this chaos, out runs The Maven! DDT's for everyone! And the psychotic kool-aid maker grabs the mic.

"An epiphany of grand desire has come upon my eyes. I have come to ECW to triumph, not falter, and I will sooner rather than later, become the lord of all extreme, when I capture the ECW World Title. But in the meantime, while the geriatric and the politician fight it out... I'll interject myself into you two's squabble. And as you can see, you have felt what had come to be know as.... The Maven Effect. Quote the Maven... Nevermore."

Maven does his infamous pose and we take a commercial break, and I take a drink. I need to find bigger words for Maven to use.

2. Mordecai & Masteroth vs. Danny Doring & Roadkill

Mordecai comes out bowing down to Masteroth in his own way. In return for godliness, Masteroth runs into the ring and jams the but of his sword handle into Roadkill's gut knocking him out of the ring. Mordecai and Masteroth dominate this match and Mordecai drops Danny with a crucifix. Masteroth then forms a cross with his hands... A GRAND CROSS! And then the Two Winged Angel is applied for the pass-out submission. And now we get to the good stuff...

3. Mordecai grabs a microphone and tells all the humans to stay silent... for the leader of the Cetra is here to talk. Masteroth grabs the mic and goes on a tangent about his mother Jenova telling him about a world called ECW, a world that he can take over with free will. Along with Mordecai, the lifeforce, his materia, and the power of the ancients, he will become the dominating force in ECW, one body at a time. As for now, we shall head to Mount Corel to continue our investigation-

Here comes Angle! Masteroth slides under the ropes to get out of the way, and Angle just destroys Mordecai all over the ring with suplexes! He Angle Slams Mordecai over the ropes and at the feet of Masteroth! He then screams about wanting Masteroth at Summerslam! Masteroth screams "He challenges him to a match at Costa De SolSlam? It's on like Ultima!" Kurt Angle screams and breaks his orbital bone and fractures his jaw. And you have no clue how much Sci-Fi loves Masteroth.

4. You know, it's been a while since I interjected anything ECWish besides bringing back the Raven style character. So here ya go.

Kelly Kelly comes out to do a striptease for us, and does one badly. Send her to a strip joint, Jesus. I haven't seen anything this stiff since I looked into my pants 2 minutes ago. After the crowd gets restless for a bit, The Sandman runs in and canes her in the head. Sure, he's still dressed up like an actual Sandman, but if you look past that, E C DUB E C DUB E C DUB! Sandman then drinks some Sierra Mist, because apparently, the town we're in is a dry town. It's the only kind of towns that actually will come to ECW shows these days. Well, besides people in Salt Lake City, but they are very restricted people who live a Morman lifestyle who need an outlet to lash out. Internet porn gets old after a while for them. So does upskirts.

5. Aldo Montoya vs. Japanese Tourist Tajiri

Tajiri takes a picture of this chick with big boobs at ringside and declares this to be the best stop on the tour. He then looks at Aldo and says "OH! A half of a Set of Tools!" Aldo snaps and goes after Tajiri! He whips Tajiri to the ropes, but Tajiri hits the Souvenir Elbow (Handspring Elbow) and caps him off with a Buzzsaw Kick for the 3 count. 23 seconds, bell to bell. Tajiri pulls out a map to the stars and goes to see if he can find Damon Wayans house. Tajiri declares him to the be the only funny one of the family. He has no clue how right he is.

6. Muhammad Hassan vs. The Big Foot

Muhammad comes out to a arab variation of Hail to the Chief. The rarely seen Big Foot slinks out of the back and proceeds to club Muhammad into oblivion. Muhammad goes for his Ballot Punch, but it's just a fucking punch. On a 500 pound Big Foot, it ain't gonna work. In the end, Muhammad drop toe holds Big Foot into the ropes, and Muhammad's supporters run over screaming for Big Foot to vote for him in the upcoming election. One then grabs a button and pushes it right into Big Foot's chest! Big Foot is in extreme pain and bleeding and falls back into a roll up with a pull of the fur for the 3 count!

Muhammad celebrates until WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS hits! Here comes "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan! Muhammad runs away from Hogan, because he's got go campaign in his ASS Party electorials for this upcoming month. Hulk Hogan is hardcore, so he won't settle for that, and tosses his weightlifting belt at him and hits Muhammad in the head. It's Hogan, so Muhammad oversells it and falls down screaming he has a concussion as we go off the air.

And I cast Flee and we fade to black...

1 hour before showtime, I'm waiting for our bigtime star to show up for his debut. He's booked for a main event run-in and everything. Reece gets here with the guy and opens the door for him.

Reece: "Here he is!"

And that's the moment my jaw drops.

Simon: "Uh... Reece... this isn't him!"

Reece: "Of course it is! You asked for him!"

Simon: "NO REECE! I asked for RAVEN! RAVEN!

Reece just realized what he did. He slaps himself and calls himself a stupid-head. He said the wrong name the first time he told him! He's sorry he ever said Raven.

Mystery Guy: "Well, am I still hired?"

Simon: "Oy.... yeah, you're on board.... hell, why don't we put him in Raven's gimmick?"

Reece: "RAWKIN! POT FOR EVERYONE!"

I should never let Reece handle the contracts again. Never, ever, ever, never again.

ECW on Sci-Fi

August 14, 2006

ECW: The Other Other White Meat

1. Kurt Angle comes out to the ring right away and tears his groin muscle going into the ring. Now normally, that would hurt any man, but he's Kurt Angle! He's heard all this crap about Mordecai's god or some bullshit, so he's here to call out Mordecai about his deity. Out comes Mordecai to Rammstein's "Sonne". He doesn't even have a microphone or anything. He just takes off his hood and raises his arms to the sky... and that's when "ONE WINGED ANGEL~!" plays over the PA.

Angle is all "WTF" and that's when a figure in dark clothes and long gray hair comes in from the ceiling on a cable behind Kurt. Kurt doesn't notice it, because he's the idiot face in this storyline. The figure has this huge ass sword that he drops, and then he locks in a Full Nelson on Kurt instantly herniating one of Kurt's discs! This figure continues to wrench the neck until Kurt turns blue in the face, passes out, and suffers a collapsed AND punctured lung at the same time. Jeebus. This figure drops Kurt down as Mordecai grabs the mic on the ground.

Mordecai: "And now everyone... may bow down... to MASTEROTH!

2. A 2-Piece Tool Set vs. Stevie Phoenix & Lance Storm the Alien

The 2-Piece Tool Set is the team of Shannon Moore & Aldo Montoya. And why is Stevie Phoenix & The Alien teaming up? Well...

OBJECTION~!

http://objection.4camp.net/go.php?n=435302

Sustained homeslice! Lance and Stevie proceed to rock the house and finish Shannon Moore off with a double superkick called the Incriminating Evidence for the 3 count. And now Lance is off to your local court to pass a citizenship test and become an American citizen! And for the record, he writes with his left tentacle. That doesn't make him different people!

3. "ASS Party Candidate" Muhammad Hassan vs. Mikey Whipwreck

Hassan goes around pinning buttons to people's shirts that say "Vote Hassan in 2008". He grabs a baby much to the mom's dislike and kisses it on the forehead before going into the ring. He tries to pin a button Mikey, but that damn loser decides to fire away with right hands before Hassan can even give him a button! Muhammad then attacks him as the people boo him. Hassan screams it's just self-defense before polishing off Mikey with the Ballot Punch (Discus Punch) for the 3 count. He then gets on a mic and drops his election catchphrase.

"Only a moron wouldn't vote for Muhammad Hassan for President of the United States and ECW World Champion at Summerslam!"

It's not catchy, but it's effective. ABC World News could run with it.

4. We now go to a video of our ECW World Champion, "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan. He's on the mean streets of Beverly Hills right now jogging and training to fight Muhammad at the bash. He's shown running up and down the steps of a huge ass mansion of the western side of the Hills. He's then shown in a freezer punching a slab of ham with his really weak right hands. The ham swings back at him and hits him in the face, so he hulks up, hits the big boot knocking the ham off the rack, and then legdrops it. He'll legdrop anything! And he'll legdrop Muhammad Hassan at Summerslam! Why? Cause he's HARDCORE BROTHER!

5. Lou E. Dangerously is in the back with Terry Funk. Terry Funk declares CW Anderson to be the dumbest son of a bitch in the whole world. He thinks he's an Anderson for God's sake! Hell, if I wanted to pretend, I would pretend I'm a Flair! Then I could run around with hair, pick up chicks, and really be a true son of a bitch! But no, he had to be an Anderson, a fat out-of-shape balding son of a bitch Anderson! Sure, you have a spinebuster, but that's about it! And your left handed too! Lou: "Uh... your left handed too." Terry: "Damn right!"

Terry proceeds to left hook Lou and knock him out. He grabs the mic off the floor and declares he will beat that son of a bitch CW Anderson and take his NWA TV title. Son of a bitch.

6. NWA Television Title

CW Anderson © vs. Terry Funk

CW comes out in shock of Terry's language and didn't know you could say that on TV. I mean, you might be able to say that in the 90s, but wait till then! He can't believe he got pulled away from a Who's the Boss episode for this. They proceed to left hand each other for a while. (Think about that sentence for too long and you'll go blind. They continue with a regular match till Terry makes a comeback and nails a hangman neckbreaker. That's when a figure in ripped up jean shorts and a Offspring T-shirt with a flannel wrapped around his waist runs into the ring. He grabs Terry Funk and SPIKES him with a DDT! The ref calls a no-contest (cause I refuse to call DQs in ECW) as the figure grabs CW and DDTs him too! He stands over them and grabs the mic from nearby.

"And so it is written, and so it shall come to pass. Quote the Maven, Nevermore."

And we end the show with the Maven doing his cross pose standing over two broken down warriors.

CW goes backstage to finish his Who's the Boss show. He swears Tony Danza will never get old.

WWE RAW

August 14, 2006

Including animation from the people that brought you Darkwing Duck.... ok not really. I just wanted to mention Darkwing Duck.

1. All of DX (HHH, Shawn Michaels, Samoa Joe, Jimmy Snuka, and Umaga) come down to the ring and declare victory last week. They told Vince, Shane-O-5, the Power Squad and the rest of the world that they would be ready for battle and here we go! The best samoans we found on the island! Cut to Haku working at a car dealership. Haku: "Oh Goddamnit, why wasn't I on the island then?"

HHH lays down the idea... 5 on 5 match at Summerslam. DX vs. The Squad. They got until the end of the night to accept that. Now Snuka and Umaga, prove why you are in DX! Snuka drops his pants to reveal his spraypainted "I'm in DX" on his asschecks. Umaga pulls out a BC powder paper with cocaine in it and inhales it. HE'S SO IN!

2. #1 Contender for the Intercontinental Title

"Randy" Randy Orton vs. Charlie Haas

Charlie Haas runs out still screaming about fairies being real damn it! Cut to Tinkerbell saying: "You know, I think that Randy Orton is a fairy." Random other fairy: "Oh, so you think he has power like us?" Tinkerbell: "That's not what I meant."

Charlie Haas keeps complaining, so the fans tell him to shut the fuck up! That was last week you freaking tool! Oh, now you called him a tool.... CHARLIE HAAS IS A HAAS OF FIRE! He goes after the Randy one with a fury and vengeance and all those violent words. They end up taking the fight to the floor where Haas bounces Randy's face off anything around him. Steps, ringpost, barrier, some woman's head who was leaning over the barrier. They end up being counted out! So who's the #1 contender? I say if it's Haas, no one will care!

They both brawl backstage over to the catering table where all of a sudden, they act normal and say "Good match man". Orton picks up a Smirnoff from the table and starts to drink it while Charlie Haas starts taking off his wristape. until someone behind the camera says "We're still rolling!" They proceed to drop everything and fight into a brawl in the floor until refs seperate them! WHAT A HEATED SCRIPTED SEGMENT!

3. Doug Basham walks backstage and runs into Eugene. Doug shakes his hand and asks him how he's doing. Eugene has never met anyone this nice before in the locker room. Doug says he has a match with him tonight and he hopes to have a good battle in the spirit of compeition. Eugene shakes his hand and is happy to find someone really nice on the roster. That's when Danny Basham runs in and clotheslines Eugene from behind and tries to bite his fingers off! Doug has to pull him off screaming "STOP BROTHER! YOU KNOW WHAT MOTHER THINKS OF THIS?!" Eugene is down holding his hand in pain as Doug drags Danny away while screaming he's sorry.

4. GO GO GO Victoria vs. Trish Stratus

Victoria comes out and does her crazy ass dance she did back in 2004. They proceed to have a normal match with Victoria working a dance move in for every move. It seems like an actual normal gimmick until she tries to get Trish to do a line dance with her. Trish hits Air canada and goes back to the match. Once I realize I have nothing else to type, I send Mickie James out there to lay everyone out! Mickie then proceeds to give both girls Mickie Hickeys! The crowd totally approves... of seeing these girls naked in Playboy. Haas: "I do!" Great, now NO ONE approves...

5. Eric Bischoff walks out and declares he has struck another deal with Vince. Thanks to a grand sum of money, we interrupt anything that's happening in your pathetic life to announce a one-on-one match... NEXT! It will be Jimmy Snuka going one on one with.....

GORBACHEV!

Wait a minute, that's wrong. Aw shit...KANE!

Candice fakes an orgasm.

6. Jimmy Snuka vs. Kane

Jimmy may be DX, but he's older than trees and he gets beat down here quite a bit. Kane finishes it off with a chokeslam for the covincing win before signaling to the top of the arena. THE SQUAD TELEPORTS IN! Beatdown on Snuka till all of DX run out! Umaga starts spiking people in throat left and right. Even nails Lillian, the timekeeper, and that skinny weird fan that's in the front row at every New York show. He then slams Nicky the Black Ranger down and signals for Jimmy Snuka to head to the top! Snuka starts climbing! About 43 minutes later, Snuka comes belly floping off with the Superfly Splash!

Nicky is hurt! Dust came flying off Snuka's body! DX reign supreme yet again! Samoa Joe randomly humps the mat to prove he's a degnerate and why he's in DX. Jimmy Snuka doesn't have to prove any more ****. HE'S JIMMY SNUKA! Oh yeah, somewhere around minute 26 of Snuka climbing to the top rope, Kenny the Red Ranger accepts the match and it's ON LIKE NECKBONE!

7. Doug Basham vs. Eugene

Doug shakes Eugene's other hand, but Eugene is really worried about what just happened. They have a good technical match with some comedy spots thrown in. In the end, Eugene goes for a stunner but Doug pushes him off into the ropes and nails a Sky High for a three count! He helps Eugene up... AND HERE COMES THE EVIL TWIN! Danny runs at him and nails him a Western Lariat and proceeds to bounce Eugene's head off the mat many times. Doug and about 5 referees have to pull him off of Eugene. Danny gets pulled away with drooling and spiting up wanting to get at Eugene some more. Doug: "Oh, why did you smite me God with a twin?" God: "Cause you SUCK!"

8. Edge is backstage doing an interview with Todd Grisham. He seems out of breath as usual. Lita wanted to recreate the ass to ass scene from Screamers 69, but even he wouldn't go that far. But anyways.. he's heard John Cena is not here tonight... cue the shot of half of the arena leaving. It turns out John Cena is back on the streets of West Newberry, MA preparing for his match with Edge at Summerslam. Cena's gonna need all the prep he can get! And it won't matter, cause at Summerslam, he will Cleveland Steamroll his way to retaining the title! Lita walks into the shot from the left side wearing a strap-on. Lita: "You done yet? We gotta finish getting ready!"

9. Because we have to appeal to the sponsors, Ric Flair and Rob "FUCKING" Conway are playing Final Fantasy X backstage on the PlayStation 2. Conway is playing and Flair is giving him advice. Flair: "Use Ice on those fire enemies!" Conway: "You old mother fucker! That wouldn't work! I'm gonna use this poison attack on him." Flair: "It won't matter! He's a bomb and he explodes!" We hear sound effects on the screen and Conway goes wide eyed. Conway: "MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH WHAT A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT GAME! ASSHOLE MOTHER FUCK WHO FUCKS HER IN THE FUCKING ASS SON OF A FUCKIN' SON OF A BITCH!"

Flair: ".... *Flair flops from the amount of cussing Conway uses.* Conway looks down on Flair and leaves in anger.

Viscera randomly walks in after Conway leaves, looks at the camera, and says "I have a new gimmick. Watch for it next week." He leaves. Simple and to the point.

10. Maria is backstage with Carlito. She stands there wondering why Carlito did he did to her Punky-Poo last week? He's sorry... but he has to teach him a lesson for dating you. Maria: "OH... well that's fair I guess!" Carlito then says to Orton and that other guy Orton faced... it doesn't matter who gets the title shot! He'll give them both a shot! So at Summerslam it'll be Carlito defending his title against both Randy Orton and uh... what's that other wrestler's name?... Maria: "What's a wrestler?"

11. Edge vs. Carlito

The WWE Champion and the IC Champ are pretty even in the ring. In the end, Lita throws Edge the strap-on to use as a weapon, but the ref goes over to him to stop him. Carlito waits for the ref to turn... but he doesn't see who's coming through the crowd! IT'S CM PUNK! He nails Carlito with a Pepsi Twist and runs up the ramp! Maria comes out wondering "WTF?" Seriously, she says WTF. CM Punk gives her a kiss, says I love you, and runs away before he can get attacked by anyone else who loves Maria. Edge throws the strap on away having watched all this while the referee was talking with him and the voices in his head. He hits the SPEAR and then the COD (Concussion on Delivery DDT) for the victory. Edge stands tall with Lita, Lita's boobs, a set of nipple clamps, and his belt.

THAT MOTHER FUCKING TIDUS IS A BITCH ASS MOTHER FUCKER!

WWE Smackdown!

August 4, 2006

I think this show is getting lower ratings than My Wife and Kids reruns.

1. Sylvan the Idiot Ring Announcer is in the ring ready to announce his opponents. "Introducing first, from the Jungles of India weighting 420 pounds... oh, whoops, I forgot he dropped that gimmick. I meant from Tokyo..."

"Godzilla" by Racer X plays over the PA system as Daivari runs out screaming "DEATH TO US ALL! BOW TO THE LIZARD KING!" and here comes GODZILLA! Sylvan stands there like an idiot cowering in fear then lets out a girly scream that makes Ned Flanders go "That was pretty girly." GODZILLA! enters and BREATHES FIRE!! It singes the top of Sylvan's hair, and Sylvan goes down screaming like crazy. GODZILLA! then stomps on his face to make him shut up and leaves. Daivari while in hiding screams "GODZILLA! WILL BE IN THE BATTLE ROYAL! DEATH TO THE NON-BELIEVERS!"

And tell me who would eliminate GODZILLA!?

2. Lashley vs. The Miz the Corpse

Well, we got lots of people in the battle royal that didn't want to wrestle a second match... so we dug up The Miz's body and have him in the ring. His ring work is a little stiff. Lashley doesn't realize he's fighting a dead body and nearly destroys in a rage. He finishes off the Miz with a powerslam that the Miz doesn't even try to kick out of.

3. Kid Kash is backstage painting his Ford Ranger some more while Jamie Noble changes out the brake pads on it. Kash: "These fumes rock!" Teddy Long randomly walks in and says: "But not as much as Milk Duds! Buy em! Holla Holla!" Exit Teddy. Kash and Noble then have a discussion about hunting, incest, and getting that title shot at Summerslam.... not necessarily in that order.

4. The Paultimate Warrior vs. Sugar Shane Helms

The cruiserweight champ comes out to "Pop" by that Timberlake bastard. The Paultimate Warrior runs out and declares Shane to be queer, and QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! He then clotheslines him and Helms does the Marty Jannetty sell. Warrior then presses him, splashes him, and gets the 3 count. Afterwards, Warrior regains his energy for the battle royal tonight by eating some Kelloggs Smacks. That frog on the cover was pretty damn cool.

5. Masato Tanaka is backstage with bandages all over him to sell the beating he took from GODZILLA! at the bash. With the little English he knows, he says this "GODZILLA! dangerous. He must stopped. Battle I win. Title I want. Touch little chinese kid. Me so horny. Homeboy."

A wonderful piece of promo work by this skilled worker.

6. There is a high bar in the ring and out walks our lord and savior, MARK JINDRAK~! Jindrak talks about how God blessed him with the ability to jump, and then he blessed God by high-fiving him in the heavens when he leapt. And tonight, he shall debut a show that showcases his skill... and that's when Simon Dean walks out. Dean: "FUCK YOU! I INVENTED JUMPING! I INVENTED YOU! I INVENTED THIS DAMN SHOW!" Jindrak: "What's it called?" Dean: "um.... ... I never got around to naming it yet."

Jindrak declares it to be the ~Mark Jindrak High Jump Challenge~. And he wants to see something. If Simon claims to invent jumping, shouldn't he be able to jump high? Watch this. Jindrak leaps freaking high up and touches the bar with ease to a standing ovation. He takes a bow and tells Simon it's your turn. Simon looks around in a panic... AND THEN ATTACKS JINDRAK! BASTARD! Out runs a referee putting his shirt on in mid-run since he was in the tanning bed backstage, and we have a match!

7. Simon Dean vs. Mark Jindrak

It's a rematch from last week as Innovation takes on jumping ability. Dean nails the George Bash Stash of Weed for a 2 count and locks in the Canadian Border looking for a submission. Jindrak gets to the ropes as Dean lines up for his Chopbashi of Horror. He goes for the chop, but Jindrak leaps over his arm and turns back around. BIG ASS DROPKICK right into Simon's face, and it's over. Jindrak wins once again! The parade will be held in New York tomorrow.

8. Ahmed Johnson are backstage trying to see how many hot dogs they can eat in 12 minutes. Yep, this segment goes that long. Ahmed eats 97 and Mark Henry eats 104. Henry was just a bit fatter, and that's what matters in these things. They then head to a toilet to prepare for the battle royal tonight where SOME BODIES GONNA GET THEIR ASS KICKED... wait, they can't even lift their legs.... um.. SOME BODIES GONNA GET THEIR ASS PUSHED AROUND BY A ROLLING SEA OF FAT! There, much better.

9. And since we have more time to waste, I put on a bikini contest... but this is not no ordinary bikini contest... this is a bikini contest from the 1920s! Jimmy Carter approves. Ashley Massaro comes out in a bathing suit that truly shows way too much skin (it gets past her ankles!) Jillian Hall comes out in a much much more conservative piece that covers up her entire chest. Ashley wins by default since she's actually showing some skin. Jillian gets angry and says she's gonna go kill her some Injuns gosh darn it. Me: "It's only the 1920s". Jillian: "..... I'm gonna kill me some Injuns!"

10. We see a video of King Booker and Sharmell at a random castle in England this week. They are apparently looking for a new home, and that condo in Miami just isn't gonna cut it. He's wearing his world title of course. He finally meets the seller of the home and says he'll take it! He needs a new house so he, his court, and his army of undead soldiers can plot their course in the WWE. After all, he is King Booker of the Fifth Plane of Hell! Seller: "I thought Satan was king down there!" King Booker: "I traded him for a case of Zima. Can't believe he drinks that stuff."

11. 20 Man Battle Royal for World Title Shot at Summerslam

Participants: GODZILLA!, Lashley, Rey Mysterio, Masato Tanaka, Mark Henry

Ahmed Johnson, Simon Dean, Mark Jindrak, Kid Kash, Jamie Noble

The Paultimate Warrior, Brian Kendrick, Pimptista, Gunner Scott, Paul Burchill

Finlay, William Regal, Emo Hardy, Mr. McWeenus, and The Miz the Corpse

GODZILLA! enters the ring last and starts swating people left and right. Some notes from this match.

-Paul Burchill was eliminated first, then the Miz the Corpse. How's that for the pecking order?

-At one point, there was a gunshot like sound made in the ring which made Mr. McWeenus, Simon Dean, and Brian Kendrick leap over the top and to the floor. All it was, was Gunner Scott popping huge bubbles on bubble wrap while screaming ATTICA! GODZILLA! then hits him with his tail and tosses him over.

-Emo Hardy tried getting a chat with Miz on the floor on what's it like to be dead, and he gets tossed by GODZILLA!.

-Ahmed then realizes he's missing out a baked beans eating competition in Detroit and elimiantes himself... Mark Henry then eliminates himself and Pimptista with a double clothesline, and Pimptista gets double teamed all the way to the back.

-And so it's comes down to these final four...

Final Four: GODZILLA!, Lashley, Mark Jindrak, The Paultimate Warrior

GODZILLA! had eliminated everyone else not mentioned earlier. Lashley, Jindrak, and Warrior try to come up with a plan, but the ROIDS kick in and Lashley goes right after GODZILLA! HE BODYSLAMS GODZILLA! HOLY SHIT! GODZILLA! gets right back up though, angry as fuck, and rushes Lashley knocking him over the top. Lashley proceeds to pick up the stairs and presses them into the ring hitting GODZILLA! GODZILLA! is staggered and Jindrak leaps... BIG ASS DROPKICK TO THE HUGE GODZILLA! GODZILLA! bounces off the ropes from the impact. Mark Jindrak goes for a second BIG ASS DROPKICK, but GODZILLA! grabs the legs and tosses him to the floor! It's down to GODZILLA! and the Paultimate Warrior! GODZILLA! proceeds to beat the hell out Paultimate Warrior until... he grabs the ropes! Paultimate Warrior starts no-selling GODZILLA!!!!!! A quick Clothesline from Tokyo stops that though. GODZILLA! goes for a GODZILLA BOMB! to the floor, but Warrior counters that by landing on his feet on the apron. He slides under GODZILLA!, and calls on the power of the Warrior to lift GODZILLA! up on the ropes! The Lizard King is teetering!

GODZILLA! IS ELIMINATED! THE PAULTIMATE WARRIOR HAS WON THE BATTLE ROYAL!

Warrior celebrates by running around the ring until he's gassed. GODZILLA! stands outside in shock till the show ends. The Paultimate Warrior is going to Summerslam!

I think I broke the bold button.

WWE RAW

August 7, 2006

I miss VR Troopers.

1. Johnny Nitro introduces the new WWE champion.... Edge! Johnny Nitro poses with Edge with a replica belt he bought off one of those random wrestling product websites and soaks in the attention himself. Edge would like to thank everyone that helped him in his quest to become champion... except God. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE CONDOM BROKE DAMMIT?! But he is the WWE Champion, and life is all good. He found out there's a #1 contenders match tonight and he's gonna find out who his opponent is in the main event!

Of course, there's a catch. The WWE brass hasn't told him who the people are in the main event? Well, it doesn't matter. Cause he's Edge dammit! And after some hot steamy anal sex with Lita... he's gonna come out here too.... and sit at the broadcast table and watch the match. Johnny Nitro agrees nodding his head rapidly killing brain cells probably. Melina wonders why no one thinks she's a slut anymore. Then she looks over to the right and see's she's standing next to Lita.

2. Rob "FUCKING" Conway vs. Carlito

IC Champion Carlito comes out with Maria pleading to her to dump CM Punk. She firmly stands her ground much to Carlito's dismay... but hey, he actually gets to wrestle tonight! Conway: "I'd fuck her in her ass!" Carlito takes offense to that and attacks with fury. About the 6 minute mark, Carlito hits a springboard back elbow, and that's the cue for "Randy" Randy Orton to run into the ring and... grab Carlito's um... apples? He cops a feel and runs like hell, but the ref saw that and DQs Conway and gives the match to Carlito!

Conway gets pissed and turns Carlito around and nails him with My Fucking Finisher (Ego Trip). Orton then stands over Carlito. Orton: "I'd fuck both of them in the ass!" Conway is just weirded out by the whole situation and leaves without even cussing. Randy poses as "YMCA" hits over the PA.

3. Shane-O-5 is backstage plotting with the Squad about taking out DX tonight. Mitch the Blue Ranger suggests buying a bear trap. Nicky the Black Ranger suggests hiring Hell's Angels to deal with them. Mikey the Pink Ranger suggest rolling them in carpet, setting that on fire and tossing them off a cliff.... cause it's MANLY! "It's not PINK! Really, why do I have to be the pink ranger?" Kenny the Red Ranger: "Cause your short."

They continue ploting as we fade that scene to black...

4. Charlie Haas comes out and tells the crowd shame on them! Do you realize what happens whenever you don't cheer Charlie Haas? A fairy dies! Now do you want fairies to die all over the world and not spread their pixie dust?!

The crowd sits on their hands knowing that fairies don't exist. Charlie Haas just plays too much Final Fantasy. Haas' head drops and he just says let's get this over with.

5. Charlie Haas vs. Doug Basham

Doug Basham shakes Charlie's hand before the match and they have a great techincal clean match. Charlie Haas is able to win with his scoop reverse DDT for the 3 count. Afterwards, Doug congratulates Charlie on the hard fought win. No one still cares cause it's Charlie Haas.

6. The Mighty Morphin Power Squad call out DX and demand they come out for the ass-kicking of their lifetime. That's it. That is their plan? Nicky: "Hey, it was Kenny's idea! The red ranger is the leader!" Here comes Joe, HHH, and Shawn. They taunt the Squad for a while and stalling it seems like.

Joe: "Hey, is there a cute little Chinese girl in that yellow suit?" Johnny the Yellow Ranger: "I'M JOHNNY DAMMIT!" They throw barbs at each other until the Squad decides to run up there themselves and kick some DX ass... when the music hits. DX steps aside and let's it run towards the Squad. UMAGA SAMOA STLSKGJDL GSDKGFSDGLJDSG UMAGA! Umaga runs through all 5 members of the Squad and proceeds to Samaon Spike people left and right. Shane-O-5 comes out to try and help, but an arm grabs him from behind... it's former ECW champion Jimmy Snuka! Jimmy lays him out with a throat chop and proceeds to help DX and the Samoans chop everything into oblivion. After it's all said and done, Umaga has four words for us "UMAGA SAMOA SUCK IT!" We'll have to work on that.

7. Since we got a bit of time, I give Johnny Parisi ten seconds to make a point. "Hi there, my name is Johnny Parisi! It's great to be on RAW! My finishing move is-" And his 10 seconds are up. Bischoff books a beatdown for this moment, and calls out KANE! Kane proceeds to beat down Parisi and chokeslams him to HELLLLLLLLLL. Notice that sentence has less impact with a period at the end. Quite interesting.

8. Women's Title Match

Mickie James © vs. Billy Kidman's Wife

I figured that name would give Torrie more credibility in the ring. Doesn't work out to well as Mickie dominates her and finishes her off with a MickieDT. And just cause she can... she leaves a Mickie Hickey on Torrie's neck! GIRL ON GIRL! I know drunken 23 year olds approve. It'll be more popular than Justin Hawk Bradshaw's branding iron by a small margin I think.

9. Ric Flair is walking backstage and runs into Eugene backstage. Flair goes "You're still here!" and proceeds to Flair Flop onto the concrete floor. Eugene has no clue what to make of this and Flair Flops on the floor with him. No point to this. Just wanted to have Flair flop. It worked for me.

10. Edge comes out seeming exhausted and Lita in a walking stupor. I guess they just NOW got done with their sexellence, and they are at the booth right now. Lita: "21,045 thrusts. A new record!" Edge: "I can't believe I held it in that long." Oh lord, let's just get away from that conversation and see who is coming out.

Candice fakes an orgasm.

The first person in the #1 contender is.... Danny Basham?! He comes out growling at the fans and knocks over some kids drink. He kicks at the barricade at a few fans. When he enters the ring, he tries to bite the ref's hand off. He's EVIL. GET IT?! Participant #2.... KIDS GO NUTS! WOMAN NOT NAMED CANDICE HAVE ORGASMS! MEN BOO THE HELL OUT OF JOHN CENA! Edge just came down from his high and is NOT happy.

11. #1 Contenders Match

John Cena vs. Danny "The Evil Twin" Basham

No matter how evil he is, no matter how much he snarls at the ref and the fans, no matter how much he sharpened his teeth to bite someone, Danny Basham can not stand up to the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM 06' (Flying Shoulder, Killswitch, Five-Knuckle Shuffle, F-U, STF OF FREAKING DEATH). Cena wins by tap out and Edge realizes something.... his ass is sore. Oh yeah, and he has to fight Cena at Summerslam for the WWE title.

Samoans are the original degenerates.

ECW on Sci-Fi

August 8, 2006

This is not the greatest night in the history of this great sport.

1. It's gonna be a great night here on ECW on Sci-Fi. We-

ALLLLYEAHHHHHALLEAYEAHHH ALLYEAHHALLEYAAHHHHH ALLEYYEAHHAHAAH

Muhammad Hassan comes out on a magic carpet (lifted by invisible cables of course). We used up all our magic points having the Power Squad teleport away from a beatdown. He gets the microphone and proclaims his return to be a complete success! He has risen from the ashes and come back to the WWE to prove he will not be held down by the politics of George Bush and Dick Cheney and the rest of the country... HE WILL FIGHT THEM!! He will fight for his people... he will fight for his country... which is why tonight, he is announcing he will run for the presidency in 2008 under his new party, the Arab Social Selection Party! And together... the ASS party will take over the White House!

Oh my God, that didn't come out right at all... Anyways, he will see Hulk Hogan at Summerslam, and he will help his campaign by winning the ECW World Title. His party needs credibility, and they plan on getting it through an icon like Hulk Hogan. MUHAMMAD HASSAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008!

2. Dreamer the Blue Fairy vs. CM Punk

Charlie Haas is sitting at home screaming at his TV set "THERE ARE FAIRIES! THERE'S ONE ON MY SCREEN RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!" Dreamer hops around like a fairy and then proceeds to bludgen CM Punk to death with right hands. Even fairies think Maria is hot. In the end though, CM Punk does something he hasn't done in a while.... he slaps on the Anaconda Vice and gets a win! PUNK WINS! PUNK WINS!

CM Punk celebrates, but doesn't realize who's behind him... BACKCRACKER! Carlito has invaded ECW! He bites into an apple and spits on CM Punk. It's unhygenic, but damn it, it's cool!

3. Mordecai comes out for a prayer service to his God complete with lighting and altar. He tells everyone his diety will be coming down to Earth soon, and those who do not follow in his footsteps will be trampled by the Pale Rider. That's when Kurt Angle's music hits. He's tired of this bull shit. He had to leave his locker room and break his kneecap in half to come down here and prove a point! And that point is this...

He slides in the ring and slams Mordecai's bible thingy shut! OH WORD TO YOUR MOTHER BROTHER. Mordecai goes to attack Kurt, but Kurt pops the hips (and probably tears an oblique muscle) and belly to bellies Mordecai over the top! The entire set comes down at the hands of ECW's Gold Medal winner. Mordecai grabs a mic and says his God has just spread the word to him! Plans have stepped up! MORDECAI'S LORD SHALL BE HERE NEXT WEEK! And all show bow to him! BOWWWWW TOOOOOO HIMMMMMMM! Kurt raises an eyebrow and fractures the socket.

4. Stevie Phoenix vs. Aldo Montoya

Before Aldo comes out... A raven caws through the loud speaker! We hear a voice saying... "So it is written... next week will be my return..." Oh snap! Aldo shrugs since it has nothing to do with him. Stevie Phoenix walks out and well...

OBJECTION!

http://objection.4camp.net/go.php?n=193388

Aldo goes to attack Stevie, but he trips over his own feet. Stevie slowly takes off his suit coat waiting for Aldo to get up... and he drills him with the Guilty Verdict (superkick) for the 3 count. Stevie Phoenix's first match in ECW is a success!

5. CW Anderson comes out with an belt that looks oh so familiar. He says in the Carolina territory the other night, he won him something special. That's right! He beat Tommy Rich for the NWA World Television Title! It took everything in his arsenal, but he and the Horsemen rode on as champions! And tonight, he's willing to defend his title against all comers! He doesn't care if its Ricky Morton, Barry Windham, Sting, Robocop, or even the Black Scorpion! He'll defeat them all! CW then takes a sip from a can of Tab to punctuate the point with a sledgehammer.

6. NWA World Television Title

CW Anderson vs. Japanese Tourist Tajiri

Tajiri goes up to CW and goes "OH! AN ANDERSON BROTHER! ME TAKE PICTURE!" The flash blinds CW and Tajiri goes after CW with vicious kicks. CW wonders when the hell the Great Kabuki learned actual martial arts! In the end, Tajiri goes for a flying spin kick, but CW nails him with a left hand in mid-air and PLANTS him with a spinebuster in 6:46 to retain the TV title. C DUB is still champion. He's off to Vegas to party with JJ and Ric! He's gonna go on his own Dark Journey if you catch his drift...

No, I don't get his drift.

WWE Smackdown!

August 11, 2006

The Liver vs. GODZILLA! Book it Dano!

1. Jillian Hall vs. Ashley Massaro

The two divas go at it in a match so horrible, it makes Finlay question why he even gets in the business. Little Bastard: "The hookers of course!" Finlay: "Oh yeah, thanks for setting me straight my little friend."

So Jillian and Ashley go through the worst idea of a Indy rollup sequence ever.... and then the music hits?!!!?! Daivari runs out screaming "EVEN THE WOMAN AREN'T SAFE! THE LIZARD KING IF MAD AS SHIT!" GODZILLA! comes out and proceeds to military press both ladies out of the ring at the same time! He screams and breaths fire like never seen before! Daivari grabs the microphone in a panic saying "We are not safe until GODZILLA! gets a title shot! His holiness demands a shot at gold!" Daivari then runs away screaming about "BUY RACER X'S CD RIGHT NOW! GO GO GODZILLA! IT'S NOT SAFE IF YOU DON'T!"

2. Emo Hardy is sitting in a chair looking towards someone off camera. He talks to him saying he's the one guy he thinks he can team with on this roster without being made fun of. He feels he can win the tag team titles off the Southern Boyz with him. He thinks he and him can become the top team of Smackdown! So what do ya say?

The camera turns and Emo Hardy is talking to The Miz the Corpse. The Miz is dead of course so he doesn't answer. Emo: "Great! They told me we have a match next week! Let's go train! I need to go work on my calves. You got any Gotham Road we can listen to?

3. Tatanka & Sits on 20 vs. The Southern Boyz

You know, I could have easily made Hardcore Holly into Sparky Plugg again... but that would be too easy. Instead, I give him a major tan and have him wear as much indian gear as possible. And now he is the Native American blackjack dealer near you, Sits on 20!

So about the match... well it's typical Southerns vs. Indians. The likes of which we haven't seen since Wahoo McDaniel and Dick Murdoch. Kash can't get Tatanka up for the Dead Level, and the Indians make the hot tag. Sits on 20 takes over and ends up nailing the High Roller (His dropkick) for a 2 count. He lifts up Noble looking for the Video Poker Slam Sponsored by Binions, but Kash runs in and kicks Sits on 20 right in the double zeros, and Noble rolls him up for the three. Kid Kash and Jamie Noble celebrate with a batch of chew in a spitoon. Dang tootin'.

4. Backstage, we see Rey Mysterio eating out of a can of refried beans as he approaches a door. It's labeled "The Locker Room of Pure Destructicity: Enter at your own accord". He enters to a room blaring the Ultimate Warrior theme music. Paul is on the floor in the indian style sitting position naked eating cookies and meditating. It works for the stars in Hollywood! Ask Brad Garrett. Rey is freaked out by this and walks away. Paultimate Warrior senses him and asks why he has entered his abadon. Rey wanted to see if he was worthy of a title shot and challenged him to a match tonight. Paultimate Warrior declares there to be a sense of disturbance in the force... he then farts.

After that, he accepts Rey's challenge and will meet him in the circled square of competition for competition tonight. WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVATE! Now where are my pants?

5. King Booker of the Undead, Finlay, and William Regal vs. Lashley, Mark Jindrak, Brian Kendrick

King Booker comes out with druids and Sharmell painted with a skull on her face. Finlay and Regal are wearing skull masks to help out with the fun. Kendrick wonders where his push went. Jindrak: "Well, can you jump high." Kendrick: "Um... kinda." Jindrak: "No you can't." Kendrick: "Aw dammit..."

Lashley goes into rage taking out William Regal by tossing him into a stack of 15 druids. Finlay takes him out with the club. Kendrick nails him with Sliced Bread #2. Little Bastard runs in and hits a Wrist-Clutch Exploder on Kendrick! Jindrak waits from behind... BIG ASS BASEMENT DROPKICK TO THE LITTLE BASTARD! Jindrak takes a bow...and eats a scissor kick by King Booker! Lashley comes in to rip Booker's head off with a lariat, but he takes out the ref by accident. CUE GODZILLA! GODZILLA! runs in and hits a GODZILLA BOMB! on the comatose Jindrak and then hits a CLOTHESLINE FROM TOKYO to Lashley. He then breathes some fire in the air like he's Onita or something and leaves. And somehow, the ref missed all of this. King Booker recovers and pins Jindrak for the 3 count.

Total Body Count: Kendrick, Finlay, Regal, Lashley, Jindrak, 15 Druids, A Little Bastard, and Janis Joplin of course.

6. Pimptista comes out to the ring and calls out Mark Henry right now so he can kick his ass and finish this off. So of course Mark Henry comes out with Ahmed Johnson beside him. They are eating the same beef... they're carrying a 50 pound slab of beef they ripped off a cow earlier. EAT IT RAW... ON SMACKDOWN! They should have been on RAW for that line.

Henry stumbles into the ring after Pimptista, but he eats a spinebuster.... okay, let me rephrase that. Mark Henry gets nailed by a spinebuster. Pimptista waves his hand waiting to hit Mark Henry with his Pimp Hand, but Ahmed hits him from behind with the big slab of meat! They proceed to beat down Pimptista and finish it off with the Ham Sandwich (Double Big Splash). Ahmed and Henry go back to sharing the slab of meat and walk away leaving Pimptista crushed by a Rolling Sea of FAT.

7. Sylvan is backstage this week as Talentless Hack Sylvan. Shoot? Who knows. Sylvan reads on a cue card "My name is "Sill-vain" and I, uh, am here to win in the Dub Dub E. Smile and give thumbs up." Sylvan smiles and gives a thumbs up to the camera.

8. Simon Dean vs. Masato Tanaka

Simon runs in and nails Masato Tanaka right away with a Detroit Piston Blast. Masato gets right back up and nails him with a Hatchback Mackalack! Woah! Masato invented a move! Well he is from Japan after all. After that exchange... THE MOVES FLY! American Sleepercrash! The Killer Q! The Chrono Trigger! Scarburst! The Death from Below! Shotgun Wedding! Mongolian Lariat! Ruby Dust! Battletoads Suplex! The Florida Brothers Special! Secondhand Smoke! Land of the Lost! And my personal favorite.... THE SHIMMY! The ref has no clue what the hell is going on with all these moves and no-selling, so he just DQs both of them and leaves. Masato and Simon shrug and continue. Livewire Shock! Red Destiny! Strike Zone! The Blythe Bomb! Pikachu's Squirtle! Candice Fakes an Orgasm! The Andy Roddick! And just to finish it all off, a DOUBLE OZONE DESTROYER BY BOTH MEN! MY GOD WE WILL ALL DIE! GODZILLA!: "You rang?"

9. We go to a video of Gunner Scott in a deer blind sometime at 4:30 in the morning. He speaks freaking quiet but he tells us this is about the only place he can use his hobby in public besides the shooting range. He's here having a good time... no deer though... but there's this really cool beehive over there. I'm gonna take a shot at it with this shotgun and see what happens next. I'll be back on Smackdown next week indulging in my other hobby. Until then, my name is Gunner Scott, and I have a gun.

10. Before we go to the main event, Pimptista has an announcement to make. Next week, he wants a singles match. He wants Ahmed Johnson in the ring one-on-one. And he promises a surprise for Mark Henry and Ahmed. Henry: "Bacon?"

11. The Paultimate Warrior vs. Rey Mysterio

The Warrior is cool, calm, and collected tonight. Rey springboards all over the place, but Paul for once keeps the pace grounded... but of course grabs the ropes. Rey looks for the 619 when he grabs the ropes (!), but Paul pulls leaps over that and stomps Rey right in the legs on the swing! Rey goes down in pain as Paultimate PAULTIMATES UP! Shoulder block knocks Rey for a loop! Paul holds the gorilla press for a long ass time before dropping Mysterio and nailing him with the Splash for the 3!

After the match, Rey shakes his hand and says "you're ready". Paultimate Warrior declares himself to be filled with the power of the Gods of Neptune and he will use his newfound strength to smite the King of the WWE, King Booker of Uranus! Rey: "It's the undead this week." Paultimate: "I JUST WANTED TO SAY URANUS! WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVATE!"

The Little Bastard totally endorses the Florida Brothers.

All right, that's all for today. Tune in again for another thrilling installment as I can continue to repost this shit on another board! Three cheers and free beers!

ECW on Sci-Fi

August 1, 2006

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

1. Mordecai vs. Mikey Whipwreck

Mordecai comes out to Rammstein's "Sonne" and setting off pyro when he slams his staff down. He props it up and enters the ring and slowly takes off his majestic robe... and proceeds to beat the holy shitballs out of Mikey. He hits a nasty looking jumping Franchiser jarring Mikey's neck all to hell and applies a claw to the temples that Joey Styles calls the Right of the Father. Mordecai releases that after Mikey is nearly unconscious and drops him with a Crucifix for the 3 count. He looks up to the heavens and thanks his deity that he was able to get the win tonight. C'mon Mordecai... it's just Mikey!

2. Shannon Moore is backstage and debuts in ECW tonight in the battle royal! Now he's not the earth shattering person that is entering, but he is worthy of getting a shot at either Hulk Hogan or Kurt Angle.

*after several hours of laughter later, we resume this interview* And tonight, he's going to show the world he is the real deal, and once and for all... prove that Shannon Moore is not a tool.

That's when a well groomed Stevie Richards in very well done clothing a pecuilar haicut walks up.

OBJECTION!

http://objection.4camp.net/go.php?n=39443

He walks away with a confident look on his face. Shannon Moore is CRESTFALLEN~!

3. All the guys are in the ring for the battle royal ready for the match... well, we got 18 of them. CM Punk walks out and immediately gets tossed over the top rope by all 18 guys when he enters. Something about Maria I guess... so they are ready to fight when-

ALLLYEAHAHHA ALLYEAHHHHH ALLEEAHHHHHAHYEAHHHHAAHAH ALLLLYEAAHAHHAAHAHA

Everyone goes :blink: and out walks from the curtain MUHAMMAD HASSAN! He enters the ring with a big ass target on him because everyone hates him for obvious reasons... not Maria related. However, Guido and Mamaluke attack Dreamer and the Sandman, then someone attacks someone, Hassan gets in on the fray and we have ourselves a good old fashioned battle royal!

4. 20 Person Battle Royal for a Title Shot at Summerslam

Participants: Muhammad Hassan, CM Punk (already eliminated), The Big Foot, The Sandman, CW Anderson, Dreamer the Blue Fairy, Tony Mamaluke, Little Guido, Big Guido, Trinity, Kelly Kelly, Lance Storm the Alien, Aldo Montoya, Axl Rotten, Balls Mahoney, Danny Doring, Roadkill, Terry Funk, Japanese Tourist Tajiri, Sabu

It's a wild battle royal filled with weapons cause we're EXTREEEEEEEEEEMMMMMEEEE! Kelly Kelly telepathically stripteases her clothes off and fights with Trinity to the floor near the beginning. And that's about the most exciting thing to happen for the next ten minutes. The final four end up being...

Muhammad Hassan, CW Anderson, The Big Foot, Sabu

Everyone smartens up quick and they all eliminate The Big Foot. Big Foot runs back in and chokeslams everything in anger until a group of mountain men herd him off. Everyone gets back up pretty much at the same time and CW spies Hassan up first. He looks like a young Vladmir Koloff, so he can't trust him. Damn Russians... it's everyone for themselves, so CW lets the two Arab guys from Michigan fight each other. They get near the ropes, and CW pushes them both over! Sabu lands on the floor, but Hassan lands on the apron! CW screams about how he's gonna take down Magnum TA when he gets his chance, and while he does that, Hassan runs up behind him and clotheslines him over the ropes! Muhammad Hassan wins! He goes to Summerslam for a shot at the ECW title!

5. Kurt Angle stands backstage at a monitor watching the Hassan celebration. He shakes his head and finishes his preparations for tonight. He puts a mouthguard into his mouth that reads "Purple People Eater" and walks out the door ready for his title match. When he opens the door, he breaks his wrist.

6. World Heavyweight Title

"Hardcore" Hulk Hogan © vs. Kurt Angle

Hulk goes on offense and debuts a new move for his arsenal tonight.... HULK HOGAN USES A BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! E C DUB! E C DUB! E C DUB!

Kurt Angle eventually gains the advantage with a german that jars Hulk Hogan and chips Kurt Angle's neck. He stays on offense and even nails an Angle Slam for a 2 count. THE STRAPS COME DOWN and he hooks in the ankle lock! Hogan fights it, and his LEG begins to hulk up! He pushes Angle away and hits a big boot that gives Angle a severe concussion that causes more swelling. Hogan then nails a legdrop that crushes his throat into tiny bits for the 3 count to retain the title.

Angle shakes Hogan's hand after the match and has a few words for Hogan. "Take em down". As we end the show, we hear a raven caw over the PA system and we fade to black...

ALLLLYEAAHHHH ALLEYYEEEEEAHHHHHHHH ALLLYEEEAHHH ALYREAAHHHH

WWE RAW

July 31, 2006

This show is HOT..... in my pants.

1. Kane, Johnny the Yellow Ranger, and Kenny the Red Ranger vs. Samoa Joe, Shawn Michaels, and Triple H

And we start off the show with a monster of a 6-man tag. Bischoff booked it of course. All is good and normal till Samoa Joe and Kane stand in the same ring at the same time! Banners go flying! Wars get started! Women randomly give birth! It's chaos! They end brawling all the way to the back and are not heard of convieiently for the next ten minutes while the Power Squad and the rest of DX battle. Shawn gets the hot tag as usual and hits the forearm, kip-up, atomic drop combo we have seen for years. He warms up for some Chin Music, but Shane-O-5 (who's been malfunctioning outside the ring most of the time) grabs Shawn and groins him into the post for the DQ! The rest of the Squad run in and destroy Shawn. HHH runs in with his phallic hammer of doom, but Shane-O nails him with his arm and knocks him clean out. Shawn gets lifted into MORPHIN TIME! Referees and security rush to the ring to stop the carnage, but the Power Squad and Shane-O tap a button their wristband, and they teleport outta there and back to the hideout!

2. Rob Conway is shown sitting around backstage playing Game Boy Advance. He seems to be having a tough time on the game and is getting frustrated. Conway: "You FUCKING STARYU! I'LL WATER GUN YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" He continues to get agitated when Randy Orton walks into the room. He looks over Conway's shoulder and watches him play the game. Conway notices the shadow and turns around asking him what the FUCK he wants.

Orton: "Your Pikachu makes me Squirtle."

Conway: "...... OH WHAT THE FUCK?" Conway slowly backs away mumbling "Fucking son of a bitch" and then goes "OH SHIT, I have to team with your gay ass tonight!" Orton: "Bi, Conway... Bi!" Conway: "Yeah, bye mother fucker!" Conway walks out leaving the Randy one dejected.

3. Val Venis the Lumberjack vs. Johnny Nitro

Johnny Nitro comes out to a random Alter Bridge song that no one gives a shit about like Edge and now hails from Toronto, Canada. Melina's shirt looks like it's ready to fall off like Lita. Venis comes out with an axe ready to cut people up. He has to put it down though and Nitro takes over during the match. Val comes back with a spinebuster and goes for the TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR off the top, but Nitro moves and Val eats the canvas. Val gets up and Nitro hits a spear for the 3 count! Nitro tells Melina to get the whipped cream and leather straps ready! Tonight will be a night of celebration! Melina: "Oy.... another Cleveland Steamer..."

4. And now time for more character development... Umaga is backstage reading a dictionary and studying it so he can become a judge in the National Spelling Bee. He's enjoying some sweet tea and a crumpet as well.

Umaga (in a British accent): "I do declare these crumpets to be truly ravishing. I haven't had a crumpet this good since the fall of the wall! I do say..."

He then sees the camera and jobs up screams "UMAGA SAMOA!" and proceeds to butt splash the cameraman and go on a rampage.

5. Carlito is backstage with Maria enjoying an apple... NOT a banana mind you. He talks about how life's been great since he's won the Intercontinental title. The Pope called him to congratulate him! At least he was told it was the Pope... And then he got a call from "Randy" Randy Orton congratulating him and wanting to hang out... and he hung up right away. But he never heard from Maria. What gives honey? Maria: "Well I was busy sexing up CM Punk!"

Carlito's eyes turn red and he starts to scream in spanish before saying calmly: "HE...MUST....PAY."

6. John Cena & Charlie Haas vs. "Randy" Randy Orton & Rob "Fucking" Conway

Haas comes out this week wearing furry boots and stomping around like the Bezerker. That will get attention! Sadly it doesn't as no one really remembers that bastard except the smarks. Cena forgot his pants this time, but no matter, he can wrestle in boxers with red hearts on them! Of course, if he gets hit one time, he dies and has to start the level over again. Bonus points if you get that reference by the way.

Orton tries to hit on Conway again, but Conway tells him to get his "dick waving" out of his face. Orton backs up into a Killswitch, Five Knuckle Shuffle and the FU. Cena thinks about going for the STF, but realizes what position he's in when he does, and decides to just cover Orton for the 3.

7. Edge is backstage with Maria and this time has no sex toys or anything like that. He dropped all the material possessions. He had to find his soul and his zen. Maria: "Your meditating?" Edge: "No, I'm having tantric sex now. It's good stuff!" He says tonight, his clear mind will help eliminate RVD and take his WWE title. The title will once again be Rated R for subtle nudity, violence, cursing and blowjobs! Blowjobs rock!

8. The Eskimos vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch

The Eskimos ride down to the ring on a sled with huskies and big parkas. They rub noses with the chicks at ringside and Rory declares "Dude, we totally just scored with that redhead." They take off the parks to show normal wrestling gear, but feel out of place in the heat. Rory falls over from heat exhaustion (it's 70 degrees in the stadium) and Lance cover.... FAKE OUT ROLL UP by Rory for the 3 count! The Eskimos then MUSH their way back up the ramp! Welcome to America Rory and Robbie we hope you enjoy your stay. Try the veal.

9. DX is backstage healing their wounds and trying to figure out what to do. They're against Kane, Bischoff, 5 guys in the Power Squad, Shane-O-5 and Vince McMahon. Joe: "That's a lot of people." They need some backup, but they've isolated a lot of people on RAW and everyone has their own issues with others... so DX turns to Joe. Joe: "I'll head home and see who I can find. We'll take all these bastards down. Trust me. BREAK IT DOWN!" Joe then does spastic crotch chops and sexual harasses a woman much to her enjoyment as Joe leaves the room.

10. And because I have FILLER, FILLER, FILLER happening tonight since Summerslam is weeks away, I promote ECW's show tomorrow night. It's a BIG FREAKIN DEAL tomorrow with 3 major matches.

Mordecai vs. Mikey Whipwreck

20 Person Battle Royal for an ECW Title Shot at Summerslam including The Big Foot, CM Punk, Dreamer the Blue Fairy, the Sandman,the debutee Heyman talked to on the phone, and MORE!

ECW World Title

"Hardcore" Hulk Hogan vs. Kurt Angle

11. WWE Championship Match

Rob Van Dam © vs. Edge

RVD is still able to get the advantage on Edge even after all that tantric sex. RVD hits the rolling thunder, and gets nothing because Lita hops on the apron. he fakes a kick and Lita takes a dive holding her ankle. RVD checks on her as Edge pulls something out of his tights! Ah, his dick wasn't that big after all! He nails RVD with the loaded didlo and covers him... FOR TWO! He waits for him to get up.... SPEAR! Three count! NEW CHAMPION! NEW CHAMPION! RVD is crestfallen... whatever that means.

Now I know a few want to know why I had RVD lose the title... and I know you saw that bag of weed. Well... that was planted by Reece. Reece still hates RVD for not paying on time a while or some ****... RVD lost because he commited a cardinal sin on RAW...

He used a superkick last week.

ONLY SHAWN MICHAELS USES SUPERKICKS! THIS IS AN INJUSTICE!

So I suspend RVD for thirty days for stealing Shawn's superkick. Take that RVD! Your new WWE Champion is Edge!

Oh Mr Muggy, you magnificent son of a bitch.

And now for some extra fun, lots of people had birthdays this month! What do they want for their birthdays?

Triple H (37): A bouncing baby boy.... wait a minute...

Gregory Helms (32): The next Justin Timberlake album

Scotty 2 Hotty (36): To be 2000 all over again.

Al Snow (43): A rimjob.... what, did you expect me to say head?

Torrie Wilson (31): Head... what, did you expect me to say rimjob?

Shannon Moore (27): WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME A TOOL?!

(No.)

Tony Mamaluke (29): I GOT A WORLD CUP! **** BIRTHDAYS! I GOT A WORLD CUP!

Kid Kash (37): A $9000 stereo to compliment the right corner of my trailer.

Johnny Parisi (31): Wait.... WHO AM I?

Joey Mercury (27): Cocaine. (AND THAT'S A SHOOT)

C Shelton Benjamin (31): A. A bowling ball

B. New sneakers

C. SHELTON BENJAMIN~!

Sonny Siaki (32): A ticket back to TNA waxing Abyss' back hair.

Shawn Michaels (41): Hair plugs. (MORE SHOOTING!)

Mike Knox (28): "Can I really get Kelly Kelly to fuck me?"

Tommy Suede (26): "BLUE SUEDE SHOES!"

Cherry Pie OVW (31): "To lose those three initials."

Lashley (25): "Some more B12!"

------------------------------------------

And that's all for today. Tomorrow, I post the biggest ECW Show yet, and other shows after that. And it all leads up to Summerslam near the end of the month. ROCK ON PEOPLE!

WWE RAW

July 24, 2006

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

1. Samoa Joe Fucks Someone Up Match

Samoa Joe vs. Trevor Murdoch

Trevor comes out saying he couldn't find a goat, but he did find a big fat mo- KICK TO THE FACE! Samoa Joe calmly kicks his ass, then moons the crowd to remind us he's in DX. Bootscrapes, Muscle Bustah, You're My Bitch, and Trevor is out like a light. For the hell of it, Mikey the Pink Ranger comes in to try and fight Joe... maybe to get rid of that Pink stigma. Joe is ready and absolutely SLAPS Mikey into next week before knocking him out with a leaping enziguri. I gotta book Joe vs. The Megazord one day.

2. Robbie and Rory are on screen beating up baby seals with clubs and tell everyone they are coming from Alaska to America... NEXT WEEK! "Finally, we can go buy ice at those 7-11 places! Always wanted to try that stuff! I heard it's cold!"

The Eskimos are coming to RAW... NEXT WEEK!

3. Maria interviews Edge backstage who is in normal clothes tonight. Nothing kinky with Lita today? "Oh yeah, I just can't um... talk about it on the air.... or show." He heard through the grapevine some new guy named Charlie Haas is challenging him to a match tonight. Now he's never heard of this guy... but he's willing to give him a shot in the main event. Now he doesn't care about him, and most other people don't either... but he needs a tune-up for next week when he faces Rob Van Dam for the WWE title. Now excuse him, he has to go prepare for the match. He turns to walk away, and we see he has whipped cream on his ass.

4. "Randy" Randy Orton vs. Eugene

Randy doesn't find Eugene attractive at all. Eugene laughs at the fact Randy has spiked up his hair and is wearing one of those necklaces that seem to attach to your neck. Randy fumes and beats down Eugene with great severity. He chinlocks him into oblivion and finishes him off with an "R"RKO for the victory. Afterwards he goes to hit on Lillian Garcia outside the ring... then the timekeeper... then the hot dog vendor... then that hot blonde hanging out with Michael Clark Duncan in the crowd... then Michael Clark Duncan... then....

5. DX and Nicky the Black Ranger & Mitch the Blue Ranger are set for action in the ring when Bischoff's music hits. By request of McMahon, and with his approval, this match has been changed. It will now be DX defending their titles against Nicky the Black Ranger and.....

*cue the drumroll*

*you can hear a pin drop*

*Candice fakes an orgasm.*

KANE!

6. World Tag Team Title Match

DX (champion) vs. Kane & Nicky the Black Ranger

Mitch is all "WTF" until Bischoff explains that Kane could beat the hell out of both DX and then pass the titles to them. Mitch is all "" after that. The Blue Ranger was the nerd of the group after all... Mitch: "lolz!" Kane destroys DX till he misses a charge and DX double suplex him. Shane-O-5 comes out to nail Shawn, but he accidentily nails Nicky with his metallic arm, and Nicky turns into a SWEEEEEET Chin Music for the 3 count. DX retains, and here come the rest of the squad! They beat down DX until Samoa Joe runs out and starts clubbing nitches... until Shane-O-5 turns around and nails Samoa Joe with the metallic arm knocking him out! I-YAI-YAI! The Squad then hits Joe with the MORPHIN' TIME (High Spirits) and leaves the rebels down. Samoa Joe convulses in pain and crotch chops at the same time to remind us he's in DX.

7. Umaga is backstage listening to the 5th Symphony of Beethoven while siping a fine glass of wine that we bought next door for five bucks and reads the Wall Street Journal. He then sees the camera and rips the paper in half, eats it, and proceeds to butt splash a random person we had in the locker room just so he could butt splash someone. Umaga: "SDGJKSGS GJLDFKHJDFLKH JFDGHLKDFGJ SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMOAAA!" I can still understand him better than Ahmed Johnson.

8. John Cena vs. Rob "Fucking" Conway

Conway gets on the mic and declares he's gonna kick Cena's fucking ass all over the fucking place in this shit hole. Fuck everyone! Cena comes out with both of his wristbands this time and once again proves he has no ability in the ring, but DAMMIT! WE HAVE TO PUSH HIM! CHILDREN LOVE HIM! You remember all those people that say think of the children? Fuck them. Conway: "You fucking said it!" Cena hits the FU and then locks on the STF OF FREAKING DEATH (hey, that rhymed) for the victory because we have to use him. He is John Cena after all. He's selling the t-shirts. I hope I can put a dirty word on one of them one day to cause some problems and get his popularity to die.

9. JOHN CENA HAS LEFT THE BUILDING NOW!

Just thought you wanted to know that. Carlito walks by in the shot with his new IC title to prove he still exists and give WWE Fantasy players their Carlito points for the night. 3 points for appearance! BOOYAH!

10. Charlie Haas comes out... and people start to leave. "WAIT! Don't leave, I got a match with Edge!" And now the people stay... just cause they want to see Edge. Charlie promises to bring out a new move tonight that will revolutionize the WWE and make the people love him once and for all... cause he's Charlie Haas, and he's a HAAS... OF... FIRE!!!!!! No reaction for the phrase. This is so much like real life.

11. Edge vs. Charlie Haas

Edge gets the grand evil heel reaction of the night. Haas is in awe. Edge beats Haas down for a while until Haas takes him down with a suplex and debuts his new big move.... THE GARVIN STOMP! The old lady loved it and so should everyone else! Sadly, it gets no reaction cause it's the GODDAMN GARVIN STOMP! Johnny Nitro runs out with whipped cream on his ass and taunts Charlie Haas on the apron. Haas goes to Garvin Stomp him, but Johnny backs away, and Edge hits the SPEAR for the 3.

Afterwards, RVD comes out to the ring and superkicks Edge out. Nitro runs in, but RVD tosses him out the other side! FIVE STAR for Edge! RVD poses and leaves... but the camera focuses on something Rob dropped in the ring on the way out as we fade to black... there's a baggie of weed in the ring!

I think we need to have a talk Mr. Van Dam.

So before the show, Reece, my personal assistant booker and drug dealer runs up to me and gives me the news I've been waiting to hear since I got this job.

"We got Raven."

RAVEN! We finally got Raven under contract and coming to ECW! Yes! I told them to start making the debut videos and get them up STAT. Raven is coming back!

ECW on Sci-Fi

July 25, 2006

The producer of this show hates CM Punk too.

1. CW Anderson vs. Danny Doring

Danny Doring comes out dressed in a sheep outfit. CW comes out wearing a Four Horsemen jacket and talking about how he's gonna take Tim Horner to school. He beats the crap out of Danny Doring and polishes him off with the ANDERSON SPINEBUSTER~! for the 3 count. CW looks over at Joey Styles and wonders where the hell Gorden Solie is. After the match, Roadkill comes out and comforts Danny... and sizes him up for later.

2. "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan is backstage and is preparing for next week's battle against "ECW Olympic Hero" Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle can injure himself all he wants to prepare for this match, but he promises to walk out of the random arena they are in with the ECW title still around his waist. And he has heard through the EXTREEEEEEMMMEEEEE grapevine that next week, there will be an EXTREEEEEMMMMEEEE battle royal to name a contender for the title at Summerslam. So if he gets past Kurt Angle, there could be one of twenty men he would have to face.... BROTHER!

Well he's "Hardcore".... DAMN IT! And he'll face anyone in ECW! Cause he's "HARDCORE"! WHATCHAGONNADO HULKAEXTREMIACS!

It's like I have an angle there. Amazing.

3. Paul Heyman is backstage sorting out papers when he answers his phone. He hears a voice on the other side and freaks out. "No, we don't want you on Sci-Fi... WHAT? Sci-Fi demanded you be hired? No! You'll cause chaos again! You remember what happened last time you were on TV, you.... the battle royal.... ok fine! You can be in the battle royal next week, and you can get your ass thrown out! Fine! Show up next week!" Heyman slams his phone shut, and puts his hands in his face. Something has him going loony it seems.

Candice fakes an orgasm.

4. Japanese Tourist Tajiri vs. Test

Tajiri comes out in a tropic shirt and khaki shorts while taking pictures of everything around him. Test comes out and immediately tears his right quad and falls down to the ground. Tajiri laughs at the entertainment here in America kicks him in the face for the 3 count and goes back to taking pictures with people at ringside. And so ends Test's run in ECW. See what happens when you take WAY too many steroids?

5. Mordecai is backstage praying to an altar with this long-ass sword on it. He prays to it saying his time is coming... but it seems these so called extremists want to hold my ministry to you back... so I beg of thee... give me your strength to smite these evil villains. "Next week... I eliminate Mikey Whipwreck.... for you!"

6. Kurt Angle & Balls Mahoney vs. The FBI

I got to get more heel teams in this fed. I've turned the FBI into a tag team version of Aldo Montoya. And that's bad for the record... Tony Mamaluke takes a headbutt to the chest and immediately goes down screaming like a bitch. Kurt Angle broke his neck in the headbutt, but it doesn't really matter. In the end, Balls Mahoney hits a Ball Breaker Bomb and Kurt Angle hooks in the ankle lock on Mamaluke for the tap out. And since we haven't had a clusterfuck in a while, I send everyone on the roster out to attack everything and send everything into a crazy tailspin leading to the battle royal for next week... when all of a sudden, we hear a raven crow over the PA!

"So it is written.... and so it shall come to pass......"

HE'S COMING...

Nikita Koloff could totally complete this show.

WWE Smackdown!

July 28, 2006

Sure to make you cry like Emo Hardy every day.

1. CELEBRATION TIME! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER FROM URANUS! Tonight, he's from a different planet to help promote the Sci-Fi network. Part of the deal. Bah... so King declares himself to be King of the World again along with being King of Uranus. Randy Orton: "I'm all for that." Booker holds up his World title saying no one will take it from him, not Mysterio, not GODZILLA!, not even the president of FOX can stop him! Mysterio's music hits, and he throws down his burrito he was eating! THIS IS WAR! He pulls a bottle of hot sauce out of his pants and whacks William and Finlay with it! Booker goes running and Mysterio challenges him for his rematch tonight. King Booker in a fit of rage says "YEAH DAWG!" and it's on like the Donkey Kong!

2. Lashley vs. Mr. McWeenus

Lashley comes out and just goes into full blown rage right away! He tears into McWeenus like a holiday ham (fuck... better not say that since I have Ahmed in the fed now) and never gives him any offense. He tosses him with unheard strength and finishes him off with a running powerslam. Theodore Long stands on the staging area talking notes and eating milk duds with a confused look in his eyes while watching Lashley.

3. Speaking of holiday hams... here come Ahmed and Mark Henry down to the ring eating corn on the cob with loads of butter... and not just one. They're carrying the corn stalks with them! Mark Henry says he needed backup and he found it in Ahmed Johnson. He hands the mic to Ahmed, and Ahmed explains why he's with Henry.

Ahmed: "GJLGSDJLG GFKGSDGJL DGFLJKG FBGFDGJFDGLDJG FDGJFGFJLKGF JJFGHDFKLJ DFKGLJFDJH DFSKDJGSD JJGKDSGJ YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

I think that was well said. Mark Henry takes the mic back and starts spitting out corn seeds stuck in his teeth and declares that the days of Pimptista ruling the WWE are all over. Smackdown will soon succumb to the Rolling Sea of FAT.

4. The Paultimate Warrior vs. Sylvan the Non-Warrior Follower

Sylvan walks out and says he doesn't follow the Warrior. That's his gimmick. The Paultimate Warrior comes out screaming at the top of his lungs "DEATH TO THE NON-BELIEVERS!" He then hits one clothesline on Sylvan pins him for 3! Wow, that was quick! So to use up time, the Warrior gives us a powerpoint presentation on the advantages of becoming a disciple of the Warrior. Slide 3: "And here we can see where a head pops up on the grassy knoll..."

5. Gunner Scott walks out with a toy water gun. Gunner Scott: "My name is Gunner Scott, and I have a gun... and it's a piece of shit." Apparently, this is the only gun he's allowed to bring out.... but no one ever said anything about accessories! He then starts to pull and push a few things around with his gun until he mounts it on his shoulder like a bazooka! Gunner: "THIS IS THE SOAK THAT BITCH UP 9000! FIRE IN THE HOLE!" He then shoots a gigantic circle of liquid that covers most of the first five rows who happened to be hot blondes with white t-shirts on. Security rushes him before any more damage can be had. ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

6. Simon Dean Challenge Match

Simon Dean had made a special challenge earlier in the day challenging anyone of the people he invented to a match so he can teach them a lesson. All of a sudden, Kris Kross' "Jump Jump" hits! HE LEAPS INTO THE AIR WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE!

IT'S MARK JINDRAK! Mark Jindrak comes out to a hero's welcome as he jumps onto the apron with ease and jumps over the ropes! Simon Dean: "I invented jumping. Big whoop." Mark Jindrak then leapfrogs OVER him like a tall building and clotheslines him from behind! Simon gets the advantage with a West Newberry Hotshot and a Wyoming Lariat for a 2. In the end though, even Simon Dean can't withstand the fucking greatness of Mark Jindrak. Jindrak leaps up as high as he can... BIG ASS DROPKICK that knocks Simon Dean out cold for the 3! Jindrak leaves to a hero's ovation and kisses a baby on the way back. Jindrak for president!

7. Emo Hardy is backstage drawing pentagrams on the floor with black crayon screaming to the heavens how he could lose to Mr. McWeenus. He then curls into a ball near a candle nearby and starts to cry. Great segment.

8. And because I have no other use for a segment of any kind, I get Tatanka to show you how to kill a grizzly bear using a loose leaf notebook. Truly amazing stuff here. GOTTA LOVE THE FILLER!

9. The Mexicools vs. The Southern Boyz

This non-title match stems from last week when the evil southerners spraypainted the heroic Mexicans who mow lawns. Great angle isn't it? Well 2 minutes in, we get our GODZILLA! FIX! He kicks the lawnmowers over for style points and swats away a diving Psicosis! Super Crazy goes for an Asai moonsault, but GODZILLA! just lumbers out of the way of it! He gets in the ring as Kid Kash and Jamie Noble are armed with spraypaint. Crazy gets back in the ring as Kash and Noble use the paint. GODZILLA! BREATHES FIRE! The fire combined with the spray paint create a GIANT FIREBALL...... THAT SUPER CRAZY IS IN! Super Crazy stops, drops, rolls, and runs like hell. Kash and Noble get swatted away and GODZILLA! stands tall once again as Daivari runs around screaming, "WE'RE GONNA DIE! IT'S LIKE VIETNAM ALL OVER AGAIN!"

10. Theodore Long is backstage hawking Milk Duds to all the stagehands in the back talking about their rich chocolate taste and pure dudiness. Randomly, Scotty 2 Hotty walks up to Teddy asking who will challenge for the title at Summerslam? Well, King Booker and Rey are having their rematch tonight... so he's stuck. Scotty: "Hey, what about a battle royal for the title shot at Summerslam!" Teddy thinks Scotty just watched ECW and knows what they are doing... a battle royal themselves! And that's not too original... but he can't think of anything else. Milk Duds cloging up his brain right now with their rich taste. A battle royal for a title shot at Summerslam it is!

Now I know what your thinking... two battle royals in two shows? Reece: "THINK OF THE CHILDREN.... and the ratings of course. Now where's my mushrooms..."

11. World Title Rematch

King Booker of Uranus © vs. Rey Mysterio

Finlay and William are there with Booker. Chavo is there with Mysterio. Finlay and Willism beat Chavo into oblivion. PWNED! Rey knocks down King Booker from Uranus and goes for the 619, but the Little Bastard runs in and tackles Rey! The ref is distracted by William Regal and the Little Bastard channels the burning spirit of KOBASHI~!, picks up Rey, and gives him a BURNING HAMMER~! into the mat! Booker covers him for the three count and retains his title!

You're lucky the Little Bastard didn't channel Kawada and do a Ganso Bomb.

WWE RAW

July 17, 2006

I Spy with my little eye... a suck ass show!

1. IC Title Match

C Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito

Shelton comes out to tell Carlito...

A. He's gonna kick ass his ass...

B. He's gonna retain his title. And...

C. SHELTON BENJAMIN~!

(Note to my EWB peeps: I don't expect everyone to get the C SHELTON BENJAMIN gimmick. It's a Gamefaqs injoke. Long story. k. thx.)

Carlito gives him the 0_o look and attacks. They have a nice match the ends with Benjamin trying to go for the C-Note (T-Bone Suplex), but Carlito spins around and hits the Backcracker for the three count! New IC Champion! Carlito celebrates by having a healthy apple. Remember, and apple a day keeps the communists away!

2. Maria is in the back interviewing Carlito about his new championship. They share some apples and Carlito gives her a banana to eat. That's when Orton walks in. He tells Carlito congratulations on winning the title and snatches the banana from Maria. He then propositions Carlito to form a team. Carlito: "You mean a tag team? Orton: "Er....... yeah." He proceeds to eat the banana in a way a banana should no be eaten... slow. Carlito runs for the hill when Maria asks if he's done with that. Orton: "Hey, have you seen my shrine I have dedicated to you?" Maria then runs away leaving Orton alone with a banana in his mouth.

3. Vince is in the back hyping up the Mighty Morphin Power Squad saying they need to defeat the degenerates before they overun his show. Mikey: "Why do I have to be the Pink Ranger?" Vince: "SHUT UP!" That's when Bischoff comes in. Vince: "Didn't I fire your ass?" Eric: "It's been 8 months Vince. The fans probably forgot." Vince: "Oh yeah." Eric propositions something for tonight. He'll help him in his fight against DX if he gives him a bit of power back. Not to make all matches, just certain matches for one guy... cause tonight he wants to see Shawn Michaels go one on one with.........

KANE!

Vince agrees and gives Bischoff power to book all Kane matches.

4. Rob Conway vs. Charlie Haas

At this point, everyone gets up to get a soda. One old lady with cataracts thinks Charlie Haas looks like Ronnie Garvin, so she sits there screaming "USE THE GARVIN STOMP! USE THE GARVIN STOMP!" In the end, Haas hits a Scoop Reverse DDT for the victory that no one gives a damn about. The old lady even boos. She demanded the Garvin Stomp! Haas wonders what has he done to God to deserve this. God: "You married a chick with fake hooters."

5. The WWE champion is actually on RAW! RVD is dissapointed in losing his ECW title to "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan. Edge strolls into the scene wearing leather chaps with no ass on them and his hands tied behind his back. RVD: "Truth of Dare again?" Edge: "That girl is kinkier than I imagined! Cleveland Steamers rock!" So once they get back into character, Edge says how can he expect RVD to beat him when he lost to Hulk Hogan? RVD: "He has creative control." Edge: "I've got your creative control RIGHT HERE!" He then proceeds to nail RVD with a cat-o-nine tails whip thingamabober and that puts RVD down. Lita stands in the distance wearing nothing but two coffee bags over her breasts and a string of yarn for a thong. Edge tells him he can't wait to see him in the ring tonight.

6. You know, I wanted to put some character development in this slot... maybe build up a young face or have a nice match.... but I couldn't think of anything. So I have Armando and Umaga selling Snickers through a very scripted promo backstage where Umaga headbutts through a candy bar. That'll teach em. Stupid sugar...

7. Shawn Michaels vs. Kane

Remember kids, of Bischoff seeks KANE on you, your in full S.O.L mode. Michaels gets the crap beat out of him as the Mighty Morphin Power Squad make their way down to the ring. They take advantage whenever they can until Samoa Joe and HHH make their way down to the ring. Michaels counters the chokeslam and looks for Sweet Chin Music.. and NAILS IT! Mitch the Blue Rangers leaps to the apron, and Joe leaps up to to slap on the You're My Bitch on him! The Squad rush toward him and HHH and it's just a free-for-all! Shane McMahon walks out dressed up like Alpha 5 and proceeds to nail Shawn with his metallic arm knocking him out! Kane gets the cover and three count for the victory! The Power Squad and Shane-O-5 celebrate up the rampway as Joe fumes... and does a crotch chop to show why he is in DX.

8. JOHN CENA IS HERE! JOHN CENA HAS ARRIVED!

No really, he'll be in the ring tonight.

HOLY MOSES ON A WHITE GUY! JOHN CENA IS HERE!

9. Candice Michelle vs. Trish Stratus

Trish Stratus nails Candice with a punch and she fakes an orgasm. Candice moves out of the way of a flying thesz press and fakes an orgasm. Both women are fighting when Mickie James runs down to the ring. Candice fakes an orgasm. Mickie James lays both ladies out with MickieDTs and walks away with a satisfied grin on her face. Candice fakes an orgasm. No Contest.

10. They're names are Robbie and Rory... and they're from the African Jungles of Alaska! And they are coming to America direct from Alaska, and they will fight for their homeland! VIVA LA ALASKA! Seal pelt for everyone!

"The Eskimos are coming to RAW"

Candice fakes an orgasm.

11. Edge & Johnny Nitro vs. Rob Van Dam & John Cena

Edge and Johnny Nitro look at each other and at the same time say "You're copying me"! Edge & Nitro: "You stole my look!" Edge & Nitro: "We both have sluts in our corner!" Edge & Nitro: "We both are secret spies for Argentina against America!" They panic after that last sentence and attack Cena & RVD. The match goes on for a while until Cena hot tags RVD and he cleans house. Cena then realizes he left something in his car... oh yeah, his other wristband! He runs to the back to go get that out of his car leaving RVD two on one. Nitro goes for his spear, but RVD dodges it. Edge then goes for his spear and nails it for the 3 count. Edge and Nitro do the same exact pose as we go off the air.

Edge & Nitro: "We both like Cleveland steamers!"

ECW on Sci-Fi

July 18, 2006

Totally better than Battlestar Galatica in terms of hot alien sex.

1. Mikey Whipwreck vs. Axl Rotten

Decided to give these two some time on air. Of course I kill it in about 3 minutes when Mordecai makes his entrance complete with fire pyro and old staff. Axl and Mikey go to attack him, but Mordecai over powers them and crucifixes Mikey to the floor! Jeez. He then crucifixes Axl in the ring and stares up at the sky and mouths "That was for you." Air time for Mordecai! Yahoo!

2. CW Anderson is backstage trying to get a discount on a pizza from Domino's because he's an Anderson. That's when he runs into Terry Funk. Terry Funk tells him he's a sorry son of a bitch and who does he think he is saying he's an Anderson? CW: "And who are you to say your a Funk?!" Terry Funk: "And who are... what?!" CW then says the Horsemen are laying in wait and ready to take him out..... NOW! Of course no one shows up. Terry nails him with a cookie sheet and walks away muttering "What a son of a bitch". CW: "Goddamn it... I'm gonna have to beat him after me and Ole break Dusty's ankle in the cage tonight!"

3. "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan comes out to celebrate his world title win saying it's the greatest title win since his last title win. He promises to be the most extreme champion the Hulkaextremiacs have ever seen. And to prove that his fans are in it forever... he's decided to make his music more extreme for their tastes! No more of that sappy Real American. Here's a real tune!

And his new theme starts blaring... Hulk Hogan's hardcore theme.... "We are the Champions" by Queen. EXTREEEEEEEEME!" He can't wait to see his first challenger to his ECW World Title. WHATCHAGONNADO EXTREME BROTHER?!

4. Lance Storm the Alien, The Sandman, and Dreamer the Blue Fairy vs. Aldo Montoya, Little Guido, and Tony Mamaluke

The FBI immediately turn on Aldo Montoya and throw him to the wolves, cause he's from Portugal, and they are little vindictive bastards when it comes to soccer... and no one likes Aldo too. Aldo proceeds to get his ass kicked six ways to Sunday. Lance Storm the Alien hits a picture perfect BLARGH dropkick and locks in the Black Hole of Suck for the submission. Sandman then sprinkles sand on Aldo making him fall asleep and Dreamer calls up Gunner Scott on his cell. I wonder why...

5. CM Punk interview with Lou E. Dangerously. He's pissed off that people are attacking him because he's going with the finest piece of ass in the world! She's a great girl and has no problem with him... so why does everyone have a problem with me? Lou: "I hate you too." CM Punk proceeds to give him the Pepsi Twist and leave him laying on the floor. Punk: "Me dating Maria means I'm better than you!"

6. CM Punk vs. Kurt Angle

I decide to blow off this mini-feud tonight... because we need challengers for "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan! Punk and Angle have a great little mat match for a while until half the roster comes down to the ring and beats the shit out of CM Punk before The Big Foot brings a table into the ring. He then puts him on the table and Roadkill hits an Amish Splash off the top through the table! They all leave muttering about CM Punk having Maria, and Kurt Angle, even with his broken ankle and brain swelling is able to lock in the ankle lock for the victory. Angle celebrates by popping his hip back in place and taking 20 painkillers and washing it down with milk. It does a body good... the milk I mean. Not the pills.

I dislocated my brain while writing that last match.

WWE Smackdown

July 21, 2006

Did you know there was a PPV for us this Sunday? Me neither. And I book this crap!

1. Emo Hardy vs. Simon Dean

And now a poem from our favorite emo...

A stalagmite grows an inch every thousand years

That's slow and painful

That's how I want to live my life

If you can't stand the misery, stay out of the kitchen

The match starts with a cheapshot by Simon Dean who then proceeds to torture Emo Hardy with a Ruby Red Clapdragon. Don't what that is? Neither do I. He invented it! Emo gains the advantage and signals for the Twist of Painful Fate and Gloom of My Life until Mister McWeenus (McWeenus) comes down to distract Hardy. Hardy turns, and that gives a chance for Simon Dean to nails him from behind with the Hydraedge Snapcutter for the 3 count. Simon Dean then tells us about how he invented this beatdown, and him and McWeenus beat him up until Paul Burchill runs down with a cutlass and chases them away. Simon also invented running too. That's why he's so in shape.

2. Funaki is backstage in a prayer position. It's announced that he has challenged GODZILLA! tonight, and GODZILLA! accepted. I don't know how he accepted. He probably swatted at the wall, and we took that as a yes.

3. The Paultimate Warrior & Brian Kendrick vs. The Miz

This is just for me. The bell rings, and the audience swarms the ring with burning torches and pitchforks and proceed to beat the hell out of the Miz. They stab him with the pitchforks until he's dead and carry him off so he can buried or thrown off the highway. Take your pick. The Paultimate Warrior's response to all this?

Warrior: "..... That was kinda cool! NOW PLAY MY MUSIC!" And so his music was played. Kendrick is still lost.

4. Next out comes King Booker of the He-Man Woman Hater's Club. He still loves Queen Sharmell though. Can't forget his flower. He declares he shall take the night off and prepare to do battle against that villainous taco lover, Rey Mysterio. And once he wins the World title, he will become King... OF THE WORLD! Cut to a shot of Jericho watching TV at his house and mumbling something about back in his day...

5. Speaking of Mark Henry...Mark Henry is in the back making soup. He's put chocolate bars, fried chicken, french fries, lard, and a bit of cream corn in there. It tastes delicious if your Mark Henry. Anyways, he says he's prepared for Pimptista this Sunday at the Bash. He already has plans for backup in case one of his bitches wanna try and give him the clap. He'll give them a clap... UPSIDE THEIR HEAD. Dammit, I need to work on that one...

6. GODZILLA! vs. Funaki

Daivari runs out screaming "YOU'RE GONNA DIE!" and GODZILLA! comes to the ring. Funaki is prepared for this... and he immediately gets clotheslined inside out by GODZILLA!. He proceeds to beat him down with his tail until Masato Tanaka runs down with a chair! He nails GODZILLA! right in the face with the chair! GODZILLA! flips out of the ring, but lands on his feet! GODZILLA! tries to get back to the apron, but Masato keeps smashing him with the chair to keep him away! GODZILLA! decides he will kill them next time and waddles away. He knocks over a few young kids just to show he's still that evil monster heel that we love. GO GO GODZILLA!

7. We see a shot of Gunner Scott shooting at a firing range again. He says he got banned from the arena tonight, but he will be at the Bash for a match, and he promises he won't be restricted! He will uses his 2nd amendment right to bear arms and arm bears! Cut to a shot of The Bear in the Big Blue House loading up his shotgun.

8. And now we get the Democratic Rebute from Pimptista. He says he will PIMP SLAP Mark Henry like a ho. "Well said dawg!" Sylvan walks into the shot wearing a 49ers jersey of Alex Smith and a hat titled to the right. Pimptista: "Weren't you Russian last week?" Sylvan: "Not now dawg! I'm from.... DA STREETS HOMEBOYYYYYYY!" Pimptista: "I seriously have to punch you for that." Pimptista then DRILLS Sylvan with a right hand before walking away.

9. Kid Kash & Jamie Noble vs. The Mexicools

Kash and Noble run over the lawnmowers in a beat up 92 Ford Ranger with the muffler falling off and the transmission totally shot. But they've been painting it, so it should look beautiful no matter how bad it sounds. Noble and Kash end up getting the win in this match when Noble spray paints Psicosis in the eyes! (Orange by the way, Orton approves) Kash then hits the Hootin' and Hollerin' (Brainbuster) for the three count to prepare for their match with Kendrick and the Warrior at the Bash.

10. We see Neil Armstrong walking across the moon with little leaps. And then the voiceover. "Did you know if he jumped high enough, he could leap out of the atmosphere and float away into space? And even then... he couldn't jump THAT high...

"He Can Jump Really High"..... and his name is Mark Jindrak.

Coming Next Week on Smackdown.

11. Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay

Rey Mysterio comes out chowing down a Nacho BellGrande. Finlay comes out with the midget. The midget distracts Rey by eating a nacho, and Finlay goes on the attack. Rey goes for the 619 Calories, but Finlay ducks it and hits him with the stick with the fucked up name for the DQ. He proceeds to beat the sour cream out of Rey with it until Lashley runs down in a roid rage and proceeds to clothesline Finlay into next week. He screams "I HOSS I SMASH I CRASH AT THE BASH!" I think that was a challenge of some sort. Lashley saves Rey from a beating leaving him fresh for the Bash so he can fight King Booker.

Join the NRA today!

And here is the card for the Great American Bash.

Great American Bash

World Heavyweight Title

Rey Mysterio © vs. King Booker

Pimptista vs. Mark Henry

GODZILLA! vs. Funaki & Masato Tanaka

WWE United States Title

Lashley © vs. Finlay

WWE Tag Team Titles

The Paultimate Warrior & Brian Kendrick © vs. The Southern Boyz, Mark 2

Mr. McWeenus vs. Emo Hardy

"The Innovative" Simon Dean vs. Paul Burchill

Gunner Scott vs. Sylvan the Gynecologist

The Great American Bash

July 23, 2006

I should've had this show in Canada.

1. Mr. McWeenus vs. Emo Hardy

And now a poem from Emo Hardy who tonight is wearing a Game Over shirt he "stole" from Hot Topic, or so he says...

America is mighty

But my voice is small

American can not here my suffering

So tonight I shall

Take it out on this carpet muncher

And this poem doesn't have to fucking rhyme

I only had 5 minutes to do this

So come out here McWeenus so I can kick your ass

Emo takes a bow, and the match goes on. Nothing much happens, they have good chemistry, yada yada... McWeenus grabs Emo's pants and hooks him up for the 3 count. Hardy whines like a bitch and it must be CRAWLLLLLLINGGG IN HIS SKINNNNNNNNN that McWeenus won. What a pity...

2. "The Innovative" Simon Dean vs. Paul Burchill

Simon Dean swings out on a rope saying he invented that intro. Burchill goes on the offense for a while until Simon Dean hits him a right hand he calls the Tagnut Knuckle Blaster. HE INVENTED IT! Burchill takes back over and busts out the Rolling Samoan Crash/Moonsault combo! He goes for a standing SSP, but Simon invented it and studied it, so he dodges it. He finishes off Burchill with the Yucatan Peninsula for the clean 3!

3. Gunner Scott vs. Sylvan the Gynecologist

Sylvan comes out asking the woman if he can put his hand under their skirts..... for an exam. He gets slapped of course, and here comes Gunner for the save! He reaches into vest, and everyone starts to panic! And he pulls out.... a note saying he couldn't bring a gun tonight. But by God, he's still gonna beat his ass! So Gunner does. He beats up Sylvan all over the ring until he busts him open (instead of busting a cap) and finishes him off with the Double Barreled Shotgun Blast (a running enziguri that makes a LOUD sound.... like a gunshot) for a 3 count. Gunner celebrates by saying everyone to his house for shots! No one agrees of course.

4. United States Title Match

Bobby Lashley © vs. Finlay

The match already started backstage with Finlay beating the crap out of Lashley with the stick, but Lashley NO-SELLS AND GO INTO ROID RAGE! He proceeds to whip ass all over the place and carries Finlay over his shoulder to the ring. They get in, and Finlay fears for his life and clubs Lashley with the club for the DQ. Lashley continues to go crazy (too much dosage I guess) and beats Finlay until he's a bloody mess. The referees stay away as far as they can. "Milk Dud Salesman" Teddy Long comes out to check the damage and looks back at Lashley. Long: "Something ain't right playa."

5. One more Mark Jindrak video for the hell of it. It shows him leaping many times off the top rope and the ground and all that jazz to the tune of R. Kelly's "I Believe I can Fly". Nothing says a great video like a pedophile doing a song for it. Sylvan: "Don't even make a joke connecting me with this!"

Mark Jindrak - This Week on Smackdown

6. WWE Tag Team Title Match

Brian Kendrick & The Paultimate Warrior © vs. The Southern Boyz

The Southern Boyz come out to Garth Brooks "The Thunder Rolls" to gain cool points in my eyes. The Paultimate Warrior and Kendrick come out to the Ultimate Warrior theme. Kendrick is the normal person in peril of course until Kid Kash misses a moonsault. He inches for the tag... HERE COMES THE WARRIOR! Flying shoulder! Flying shoulder! Clothesline! Clothesline! Clothesline! He signals for the gorilla press and lifts Kash up! Noble runs in to spear him, and they both go flying out of the ring! Warrior gets right back up and his mind filled with DESTRUCTICITY! He splatters Noble around on the floor. Meanwhile, Kendrick goes for the Sliced Bread #2 in the ring, but Kash rolls him up and props his feet on the ropes for the 3 count! The Souther Boyz win the tag titles!

The Paultimate Warrior is dissapointed of course. He wonders why the Gods have faulted him today. Did he not listen to the Ultimate Warrior theme long enough today? He had it on loop the entire day in his iPod!

7. Funaki & Masato Tanaka vs. GODZILLA!

Funaki and Masato come armed with all sorts of hardcore weapons. GODZILLA! doesn't need them, cause he's GODZILLA! dammit! Masato attack with his vicious foerarms, and GODZILLA! lifts him up and tosses him into the steel steps on the floor putting him out of this one. Funaki grabs a trash lid and goes to town on GODZILLA! He simply grabs it out of Funaki's hands and eats it! Funaki shits a brick. GODZILLA! beats his ass all over the ring setting up for the finale.... Funaki stands up... and GODZILLA! BREATHES FIRE INTO FUNAKI'S FACE! Funaki goes down in a heap all over the place until GODZILLA! hits an elbow drop for the three count. He exits the ring and stomps Masato who is still dead near the steps. GODZILLA! reigns supreme here in America!

8. Pimptista vs. Mark Henry

The ho's stay out of this and let these two fight. The ref gets bumped after Henry misses Pimptista with an avalanche. He runs at Pimptista and gets nailed with a spinbuster! Pimptista then actually LIFTS Henry... BIGGEST PIMPTISTA BOMB EVER! He covers, but there's no ref... but here comes another big black man! Pimptista turns and gets nailed by a 20 pound ham! IT'S AHMED JOHNSON! Pimptista gets Pearl River Plunged into the mat as the ref comes to. Henry covers and gets the 3 count! Mark Henry celebrates with Ahmed by devouring the ham in a way often seen out in safari.

9. World Heavyweight Title Match

Rey Mysterio © vs. King Booker of America

King Booker is from America tonight. Shocking I know. Mysterio is eating his pre-game meal (the new ULTIMATE Chalupa, no affilation with Paul London) on the way to the ring. This gives him all the energy he needs, and he kicks some American ass! Sharmell ends up hitting Rey with the scepter, but it only gets 2! Scissor kick only gets two! He goes for the book-end, but gets slingshotted into the ropes! Rey goes for the 619, but William Regal nails him from the other side with the knucks! Rey goes down like a ton of bricks and Booker heads to the top.... it's a Royal Hangover! It's a 3 count! It's King Booker as World Champion!

ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!

That's all the shows for today. Tune in tomorrow for another thrilling installment of Mr Muggy posts the shit he had already posted on another board!

Feedback is welcomed, encouraged, and loved by the masses.

WWE Smackdown

July 14, 2006

No one's watching. Bring on the naked chicks!

1. King Booker comes out this week with his court and declares that as the King of England, he'll one day take down America. Finlay: "I thought he was King of Cartoons last week." Regal: "Shut up! Let him think what he wants. He's a king!" Little Bastard: "I like flesh."

King Booker says after last weeks win over Emo Hardy, he's heading to the top... and he knows where to start. He tells Finlay, Regal and the Bastard to hide under the ring. He pulls something out of a box... a plate of tacos! Rey smells the scent and comes to the ring for the delicious platter. THE COURT ATTACKS! They leave him in a heap and then throw refried beans in his face for added effect.

2. Lashley vs. William Regal

Regal sticks around for his match with Lashley right now. The bell rings... and the ROIDS RAGE! Lashley rips into Regal like a trash compactor monster on Luke Skywalker. He calls for his dominator with his eyes bulging out of his head like Christopher Lloyd in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? when FINLAY~! runs in and hits him with the wooden club with the ****** up name for the DQ. He proceeds to club Lashley with it many times until even the Little Bastard runs in and tells him to stop.... who then proceeds to bite Lashley's arm looking for blood.

3. We see Brian Kendrick backstage sitting in a chair, and in front of him pacing is THE PAULTIMATE WARRIOR! They are the tag champions of the Milky Way Galaxy, and nothing will stop them from retaining them over those two trailer park house owners at the Bash of Great Americans! They live in a trailer park with people named Bubba, and let's face it, people named Bubba have to like men... AND QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! NOW LET'S GO MY TAG TEAM PARTNER OF MIND AND BODY! YOU HAVE A MATCH LATER TONIGHT! We need to go watch the Ultimate Warrior workout tape and listen to his music on loop endlessly!

Kendrick: "...................... WHAT?"

4. Funaki vs. Psychosis

Funaki and Psychosis have a nice little match till... it happens again! Daivari comes running out screaming "IT'S OVER! WE HAVE NO HOPE! HE'S HERE!"

HERE COMES GODZILLA! GODZILLA! enters the ring and swats away everything in sight as Daivari runs around the ring with his hands over his head screaming "WE'RE DOOMED! GAME OVER MAN!" GODZILLA! proceeds to kick the ring steps about 20 feet forward when he exits the ring and stomps off to the back. Before he leaves though, he knocks over some production equipment to be a bastard. He is GODZILLA!, king of the heels after all. Booker: "I thought I was the king!"

5. Pimptista enters the ring and declares all his hos to be available tonight and ready for some action. Mark Henry's music hits though and he walks out to the ring eating a Snickers bar wrapped in bacon. He says he has backup coming and at the Great American Bash, Pimptista will get pimped out. Pimptista: "That doesn't even make any sense!" Henry: "Look over there!" Dave falls for it and he gets clotheslined from behind. Henry then hits the World's Fattest Slam on one of the hos and runs away before anything else happens. He vigoriously finishes off the Snickers too might I add.

6. Paul Burchill vs. Sylvan

Sylvan comes out waving a Russian flag once AGAIN changing where he comes from. He speaks fluent Russian... for a French-Canadian. He even does that cool little dance before Jack Sparrow's offspring swings out for his match. Burchill looks like he's about to make Sylvan Walk the Plank, but we hear a booming voice say "YOU KNOW I INVENTED THAT MOVE!" That distracts Burchill long enough for Sylvan to cradle Burchill for the 3 count. The booming voice then says "AND SIMON DEAN STRIKES AGAIN! HA HA! You know I invented this PA system too? Classic invention of mine"

7. We get a video of a diver jumping off a 30 foot diving board and GRACEFULLY landing in the water with a splash to a nice response. Then the voiceover...

"This man right here can jump down extremely well... but we guarantee you... he couldn't jump high. "

"The Man Who Can Jump Really High" - He's Coming

8. Gunner Scott walks out to the ring in street clothes with a leather jacket on. He grabs the mic.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Gunner Scott, and I have a gun."

PANIC IN THE ARENA! People start running as security rushes the ring and tackles Gunner Scott down and drags him off. Gunner screams it's not fair to his people and chants "Attica" all the way up the aisleway.

9. The Paultimate Warrior vs. Kid Kash

Kid Kash looks like he just got done fixing his car. He's got oil and grease all over his tank top and ripped up Levis. The Paultimate Warrior comes out to the Ultimate Warrior theme with Kendrick trailing behind questioning his sanity. Kid Kash attacks and grounds him for a bit. He beats him down, and has the advantage until he lets Paul do the one thing you're not supposed to let a Warrior do... grab the ropes. HE WARRIORS UP! He no sells everything and nails 3 clotheslines. He gorilla presses Kash and hits a big splash for the 3 count!

Noble runs in for the after match attack, but Kendrick runs in to Sliced Bread #2 him.. but Paul stops him. He tells him THIS is how you do a beat down. So he slams Noble and splashes him. I think Noble is dead. Paul then runs off into the sunset as Brian thinks about how HE is the sane one on his team.

10. Mr. Kennedy had a dispute with me over his new name earlier... but I think Kennedy is a bit bland. This new last name will fit him much better. He makes his entrance and grabs the microphone and tells everyone to shut his mouth while he does his intro. After all, he's...

MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

McWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

McWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

11. King Booker of England & Mr. McWeenus vs. Rey Mysterio & Emo Hardy

And now for some poetry from Emo Hardy.

Roses are red

My anger is too

I bleed for my sins

And you will too

The blood will become

A very red hue

And out on the farm

A cow says moo

Emo takes a bow and we're under way. McWeenus and King Booker of England take control of the match on Emo until he hot tags Rey and Rey jumps around like had springs on shoes a hot piece of coal up his ass. Rey goes for the 619 on Mc Weenus, but Booker side kicks Rey to stop that. He looks for a power bomb, but Rey pulls a bottle of hot sauce from his tights (....don't ask) and pours it in Booker's face! Rey then hits the 619 and drops a dime.... and then hits the drop of the dime for the three count. Rey celebrates by saying "YO QUIERO TACO BELL! CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME! VIVA LA RAZA! EDDIE GUERRERO!" And the crowd starts to chant Eddie's name as we close the show. Like this federation still won't capitalize on that name...

And a horse says neigh