Mr Muggy

The most unrealistic part for me:

The next shot we see is MORDECAI~~~~! We see him praying at an altar, but we cannot see what he is praying to. He says it's is the giver of our lifeblood and declares we would not be here with out it. Wonder what it is....

Oh hang on, that WAS his real gimmick

What you don't consider is that "stupid" diaries like this normally spawn the best booking ideas because you're thinking so far outside the box that you notice things clicking. Out of all that, I could see Gunner Scott's gimmick being very good, as well as the Power Ranger thing (which I believe is actually a gimmick in a Japanese fed already).

Comedy highlights for me was the "I Hate Renee Dupree Match" - why not make it the "I Hate Renee Dupree Series", in which he's jobbed out to somebody stupid every week! I love Hardcore Hulk Hogan. This is an awesome diary overall! Nicely, nicely done

WWE RAW

The first under the Muggy regime...

July 3, 2006

1. And it starts with Vince walking out declaring that he will kill DX for the four hundred and seventy seventh time. Blah blah... out walks DX and they declare they have a new member! And they will debut him..... TONIGHT! I don't know why it's capitalized and bolded either. Oh yeah, it's DX vs. The Squad tonight. Why only THE SQUAD? Well... you'll see...

2. C SHELTON BENJAMIN (IC Champ) vs. Val Venis

Shelton comes out with the letter C on his tights all over the place. Val Venis comes out dressed like a lumberjack complete with axe, plaid shirt, and a beard. He's the NEW Real Man's Man! In the end, Val goes to get the axe, but the ref stops him. Val threatens to cut his wood, but Shelton rolls him up from behind and pulls the tights for the three count. Post-match, Val squeezes some orange juice out of oranges using ONLY his right hand, because he's a REAL man's man!

3. We spend the next 5 minutes filling time as we have a goat backstage. Trevor Murdoch just stares at it's ass wondering what he can do... stall... stall... OKAY NEXT SEGMENT!

4. Charlie Haas walks out with a microphone. "My name is Charlie Haas. Please care about me! Please?! I haven't had a crowd reaction without running over a woman in months! Please?!"

The crowd sits on their hands. And that's a shoot!

5. Charlie Haas vs. Johnny Nitro

Johnny Nitro comes out in a WCW shirt screaming that this ring is where the big boys play! Melina comes out and does her splits.... wearing granny panties! HA! Killed all those 13 year old hopes right there in one shot.

So the match goes like this. No one cares about Haas... Nitro "hits" his Standing Star Press for the 3 count and screams how this is the greatest night in the history of this great sport. He's off to go get some Master P LP's and try and give them away. HOOTIE-HOO!

6. JOHN CENA IS HERE! HE ARRIVED!

Just wanted you to know that.

7. Randy Orton walks out in a shirt that says "Randy for you". He comes out and declares that he is officially single and ready for anyone. And he'll take em all! He likes the blondes, brunetees, dark hairs, he likes em all!... whether they are male of female. :blink:

Orton says he's truly misunderstood and his past transgressions were just acts of a man who was struggling with hisself, but now he knows what he is! He's a switchitter! That reminds me, I gotta hire OJ again...

8. "Randy" Randy Orton vs. Snitsky

Alright, I need to find a new partner for Snitsky, but until then, he gets to fight Orton. Orton thinks he semi-attractive and says he can suck his toes anytime. Snitsky freaks out and attacks Randy. He doesn't swing that way. In the end, Randy hits the RKO for the 3 count and hits on a biker at ringside.

It could have been worse people. I was contemplating Randy "Macho Man" Orton. Thinkin, thinkn, thinkin...

9. Edge is backstage with Lita. Edge has a vibrating bed installed in the back and Todd Grisham interviews Edge while he's sexing her up in the missionary. He declares he's on top.... of the world and will soon reach his peak... as WWE Champion. But first, he's got something hard and long to drill.... his wang. What? Do you want me to say nails?

10. Vince introduces the Squad... but it's not the same ol Spirit Squad... we see on the Titantron something familiar...

Nicky: MASTODON!

Mikey: PTERODACTYL!

Mitch: TRICERATOPS!

Johnny: SABER TOOTH TIGER!

Kenny: TYRANNOSAURUS!

IT'S THE MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER SQUAD! And they're here to smite Rita and Zed... and beat DX as well in the meantime. IT'S MORPHIN TIME! Vince leaves to take two cialis and hopes the erection does last longer than 4 hours. Edge: "It does, trust me."

11. The Mighty Morphin Power Squad (World Tag Team Champions) vs. Degeneration X for the titles

In the end, Kenny the Red Ranger goes for his leg drop off the top rope, but a man runs through the crowd in a sandals, bright green shorts and a hawaiian shirt. He pushes Kenny off the turnbuckle. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE seals the deal and we have new tag team champions in DX. Afterwards, HHH grabs the mic and harasses Vince and Shane on the stage.

HHH: "Let me introduce to you, the newest member of DX.... SAMOA JOE!"

Joe proceeds to crotch chop Vince 38 times to prove he knows how to do it and show he's in DX. And we fade to black with DX celebrating until they jump the shark for the 58th time.

TRAINWRECKS ROCK!

ECW on SCI-FI!!!!

IT'S EXTREMEEEEEEEEEEEEE... to the MAX!

July 4, 2006

God Bless America... the United EXTREEEEME States of American EXTREEEEEMEness.

1. Lance Storm from the planet Pluto vs. Aldo Montoya

Lance Storm came out painted in deep blue colors with antennas coming out the top of his head. Justin Credible came out dressed as Aldo Montoya. Which is more embarrasing? Probably Aldo. Lance gets the victory with a Sharpshooter called the Black Hole.

2. The next shot we see is MORDECAI~~~~! We see him praying at an altar, but we cannot see what he is praying to. He says it's is the giver of our lifeblood and declares we would not be here with out it. Wonder what it is...

3. CM Punk vs. The Big Foot

CM Punk comes out as his normal cocky straightedge self. Big Show is in a giant bigfoot costume and just stalks around the ring. He's living the gimmick! After a while, Punk turns the mask around so Big Foot can't see nothing. He starts to wear him down till Foot accidentily nails the ref. Kurt Angle hobbles on crutches with a cast on both arms and a neck brace for his broken freakin' neck. He pops off an Angle Slam breaking his tailbone in the process and walks back normal. God bless Kurt Angle.

He screams back "That's for dating Maria dammit! That's a fine piece of ass!" Big Foot gets his costume back together and raises his foot... and STOMPS CM PUNK IN THE CHEST! That's more than enough for the three count. E C DUB! E C DUB!

4. We see The Sandman walking in the back... no cane... no cigs or beer... in fact he's wearing a night cap and a night shirt. He's dressed like a real Sandman! Sandman: "My God, I'm almost as much of a tool as Shannon Moore." Japanese Tourist Tajiri comes in from the side to say "It could be worse. Look who your fairy partner is."

In walks Dreamer the Blue Fairy complete with blue tutu to complete his look. Dreamer wants to kill himself slowly, but hey, he'll wear a blue tutu! He'll wear a red tutu! Hell, he's hardcore! He'll take em both!

5. The Sandman and Dreamer the Blue Fairy vs. Little Guido and Tony Mamaluke

Little Guido and Tony Mamaluke have Italian national soccer team members that no one has ever heard of in their corner. Sandman and Dreamer as easily able to beat the FBI with dual sleeper holds. Afterwards, Sandman sprinkles sand around the ring and Dreamer plays Russian Roulette with a handgun.

6. ECW and WWE Champion RVD comes out and declares himself to be a fighting champion through all the tough times and high times... speaking of high times... does anyone have any pot? Er... um... anyways, he's here to issue an open challenge to anyone back there in the back to a match next week for his ECW World Title. No one shows up for a bit. RVD taunts waiting for someon-

WHEN IT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIDE

HOLY SHIT! IT'S HULK HOGAN! Hulk Hogan has come for the ECW title! He poses for 10 minutes to a stunned crowd as we close out the show.

I AM A REAL AMERICAN

WWE Smackdown

The J-Show... It's that far down.

July 7, 2006

1. ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!ALL HAIL KING BOOKER!

Oh yeah, and he'll take the title off Mysterio at the bash too. William starts to wonder what kind of king he is. Booker tells em you see....... dawg!

2. Brian Kendrick vs. Jamie Noble

Jamie Noble comes out in beat up pants and a flannel. WHITE TRASH JAMIE NOBLE RIDES AGAIN! Brian Kendrick comes out as normal, but with no Paul London at ringside. The match goes as normal as Kendrick heads to the top for a dive. All of a sudden... Ultimate Warrior music plays?!

Paul London comes out with facepaint and a million tassles all over his face! He runs around for about 2 minutes until he becomes gassed... and the ref is so distracted by this that they don't realize Kid Kash came through the crowd dressed like he just walked out of his trailer 5 minutes ago in a wifebeater with spray can paint on it to be up Brian for 2 minutes straight. The ref finally turns around as Jamie hits a Fireman's Gutbuster for the 3 count.

Afterwards, Paul chases them off and screams into a microphone "YOU DON'T RUN FROM THE PAULTIMATE WARRIOR! I AM FULL OF DESTRUCTICITY!" Paul then chases Kash and Noble to the back as Kendrick wakes up and says "WTF?"

3. Paul Burchill is in the back trying to figure out how he can capitalize on the popularity of the Pirates movie. That's when Simon Dean walks in. He walks up to Burchill looks him in the face with a serious stare and says "I invented you. Where's my goddamn credit *****?" He then slaps him and puts him in a submission hold only seen in Japan and won't be seen in the US for 8 years. Simon Dean invented it by the way.

4. Lashley (the US champion) vs. Sugar Shane Helms

Lashley comes out cool calm and collected. Shane Helms comes out in khakis singing a Backstreet Boys song. And he's still your cruiserweight champion of the world by the way. Lashley asks for a handshake, but Helms blows him off. That's when the roids kick in. Lashley proceeds to KILL Shane Helms. He beats him around the ring and outside before folding him in half with a spear for the 3 count. He then presses him and tosses him all the way to the aisle way. The roids dissappear, and Lashley walks away cool, calm and collected with his US title around his waist.

5. We go to a shot of a firing range well we see Gunner Scott shooting off a handgun at some targets far off into the distance. He finally turns to the camera and says "What? You think my mom would actually give me a name like Gunner? I have it for a reason." He grabs a .357 magnum and shoots a very precise bullet in the distance. GUNS ROCK!

6. Funaki vs. MASATO TANAKA!

Yeah, I moved Masato from ECW to Smackdown. Rock on. So they have a good match until the familar song hits... SGSLKGJFSDLGKFJDSGLF DGJLFGO GODZILLA!

Daivari comes running from the back screaming "I can't stop him! AAAHHH! GODZILLA!" And out comes the Great Khali in a GODZILLA! outfit! He walks out to the ring as Funaki and Masato run around in the ring screaming like girls. GODZILLA! enters the ring and proceeds to swat Funaki and Masato away and look meancing. He then starts to beat up a turnbuckle and walks away from the scene. Daivari gets up from his hiding place and screams "WE ARE NOT SAFE!"

7. We see Rey Mysterio in the back eating tacos with a sombrero on and chats it up with Token Black Announcer Kristal Marshall. He says King Booker is a strong force, but he will retain his WWE title if his name isn't Rey Mysterio. Kristal: "But your real name is Oscar!" Rey: "Shut up ***** and get me some more tacos!"

8. Emo Hardy vs. King Booker of Cartoon Land (ROCK THAT PEE WEE PLAYHOUSE REFERENCE)

Emo Hardy comes out in angsty clothes with an moody attitude and says he has some poetry to read.

Winter is my discontent

My life is full of turmoil and pain as I sit here

Wearing Ashley's panties, I wonder where my life has gone

Jobbing is my discontent

Emo Hardy takes a bow as King Booker comes in with a handheld slide machine and says it's time for a cartoon! He points to the screen and we get to see an old Bugs Bunny cartoon from the 50s complete with anvil dropping. Emo Hardy attacks Booker. The anvil has brought out the EMO POWER in Matt Hardy. FEAR THE EMO POWER! Anyways, King Booker Cartoon gets his act together and finishes off Emo Hardy with a sidekick and scissor kick for the 3 count. Emo Hardy is about ready to go cry and listen to some Linkin Park.

9. The King's Court celebrate in the back the victory. Actually Finlay doesn't. He sits in a chair and takes a big shot of whiskey and says "What the **** is going on?" The Little Bastard walks in and says "You know, there was a time when I was weird." Finlay grabs the midget and punts him into the wall. "Yeah, I know."

10. We see Carl Lewis making a long jump in the Olympics. A voice over says "That is a very impressive jump.... but he can't jump.... HIGH!

"He Can Jump Really High"..... He's Coming.....

11. IT'S THE RETURN OF DAVE BATISTA! He comes out wearing a purple suit with a cane and gold chains around his neck. It's PIMPTISTA~! He brings several young ladies with him and he proceeds to call out Mark Henry. Henry comes out and they fight. PIMPTISTA~! nails Henry with the cane and seeks a ho on Henry to give him an STD. Henry runs like hell from this beat down. Pimptista tells him that one day, he will get him. You can't run away from his PIMP HAND! Fade to black....

WE ARE NOT SAFE!

Two more of these shows for the night and I'm done.

P.S. Hey Mods, should a post the shows as seperate posts, or post several in one to make it look like I'm not a postwhore? I know ya'll are strict about that shit.

WWE RAW

July 10, 2006

Go Go Power Show!

1. DX comes out as HHH and Shawn introduce Samoa Joe into DX. They say his credentials are TPing a high school after last week's show and mooning the prime minister of Japan when he was in Zero-One. He'll fit right in. Samoa Joe does a legitimate crotch chop for all of us. Vince comes out and declares he will destroy this young new comer to DX. So tonight it will be Samoa Joe vs.... Mikey the Pink Ranger!

2. The I Hate Rene Dupree Match

Mickie James (Women's title) vs. Rene Dupree

Mickie James runs out and clotheslines Dupree from behind. One MickieDT later, Mickie James wins and skips off to the back with her women's title. I hope we are happy now.

3. Charlie Haas comes out begging for some attention. He comes out with $20 bills and will give them to anyone who cheers him. Still no reaction. Out walks Eric Bischoff! He says he's already tired of hearing Charlie Haas mope and whine. Haas: "I've only done this for two weeks!" Eric: "...... I'm tired of you moping and whining... so tonight your facing...... KANE!"

Ah, Bischoff's favorite phrase...

4. Charlie Haas vs. Kane

Kane kicks ass like Kane can. Sidewalk slam, flying clothesline, choke slam. Kane wins. Bischoff then proves he's a great heel by stealing all the 20 dollar bills. So Bischoff just became $60 richer.

5. Ric Flair is backstage in a $5,000 suit and is discussing politics with a random stage hand when Edge runs into the scene in only his underwear and ball and gag in mouth. He takes it out and says he only has a minute to do this. Him and his girl are playing truth or dare and she dared him to challenge Ric Flair to a match tonight where the winner gets a future shot at the WWE title. So what ya say old man? Flair blades on camera, elbow drops the floor, and accepts.

6. Samoa Joe vs. Mikey the Pink Ranger

No matter what I do to Joe.... the wrestling stays the same. Joe fucks the Pink Ranger up with his flying kick/senton combo. Kenny the Red Ranger leaps on the apron, but Joe nails him with an enziguri to knock him off. Samoa Joe does a crotch chop and then hauls Mikey up and spikes him with the MUSCLE BUSTAH! He then locks on the You're My Bitch and Mikey taps out like a bitch. The Mighty Morphin Power Squad rush the ring to attack Joe, but DX runs out for the save, and the Squad retreat back to base and probably ask Alpha 5 what to do next.

7. Robbie and Rory are on our TV. They are cousins... from Alaska! They are the only eskimos in their village with the chance to come to America! So they are coming from Alaska.... to America! They're coming to the WWE!

"Robbie and Rory... The Eskimos... Coming Soon"

8. "Randy" Randy Orton, Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch vs. Carlito, Snitsky, Eugene

Carlito wants to know what he's done to get stuck in this match. Trevor and Orton trade sex tips over in the corner, but Randy is totally not doing him. Trevor is a sheep kinda guy. Female ones of course. He doesn't swing that way. Anyways, Orton thinks Carlito's tights are cool and totally match him (orange by the way), so Carlito tags out to Eugene. Orton doesn't like mentally handicapped people (he's still a heel), so he beats the crap out of him and hits him with the "R"RKO for the 3 count. He goes to get Carlito's number afterwards, but Carlito runs like hell.

9. Next is a video hyping tomorrow nights match on ECW on SCI-FI! It will be Rob Van Dam defending the ECW title against Hulk Hogan! Be there, or be a Star Trek geek!

10. JOHN CENA IS HERE AGAIN! HE GETS OUT OF HIS CAR!

I gotta find something for him to do.

JOHN CENA IS HERE! WATCH THE MARINE OUT IN THEATERS ONE OF THESE DAYS!

11 Ric Flair vs. Edge

Flair comes out and blades on camera for shits and giggles and proceeds to chop Edge into oblivion. Lita runs out and passes Edge a....how to say it so 13 year olds don't know what I'm talking about...hmmm... a long slender object that resembles what's in Edge's pants. There we go. Anyways, it's wrestling so it's loaded of course. Edge nails Flair with it and pins him for the 3 count for a future title shot.

ON THIS DAY

I SEE CLEARLY

ECW on SCI-FI

July 11, 2006

Cause legdrops are extreme.

1. CM Punk comes out and demands an explanation of what Kurt Angle did last week. Kurt comes out in a wheelchair with a cast on one leg and a neck brace on. He says didn't he get it last week? He yelled it out to the world! He's banging Maria! And whoever is banging Maria is an enemy of everyone! Everyone wants her! Even Randy Orton wants her! Cut to Randy Orton looking over his Maria shrine at his house... and then he turns to his right and starts to worship his Ashton Kutcher shrine. Anyways, Kurt hops up out of the wheelchair and rushes in to attack Punk. He gets the advantage until Little Guido runs out. Next thing you know, we have a match...

2. Kurt Angle vs. Little Guido

Kurt Angle goes to hit Little Guido with a clothesline at one point... and he takes a dive and screams in agony that his leg gave out. This gives Big Guido a chance to run in and lariat Angle from behind. Guido gets the advantage, but in the end, with two broken legs, seven broken arms, and twenty three broken ribs... and the broken neck of course, Angle cranks in the ankle lock for the tap out.

3. We go back to the video from last week where we see Mordecai praying at something we can not see. I hope it's not the Ashton Kutcher shrine. He says without him lighting the way, he would have not been able to come back into this business... but he will follow his path and his way. Still don't know who "him" is.

4. Sabu vs. CW Anderson

CW comes out flashing the four fingers and screams at the camera when his brother Ole gets back, the Road Warriors are going down. Sabu comes out with a chair and nearly kills CW dead with it. He then goes for the triple jump moonsault... and crotches himself. CW covers for it with a BIG LEFT HAND for a 2 count. Sabu goes for a somersault plancha over the ropes... but gets caught up in the ropes and he settle for the baseball slide. He looks to finish it off with an arabian face buster off the top rope... but he misses that. CW sells it anyway and Sabu slap on a camel clutch for the submission. HE'S CRAZY I TELL YA! Afterwards, CW was wondering where Tully and JJ were to stop that.

5. "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan is backstage to let all his Hulkaextremeiacs know that tonight, he will defeat Rob Van Dam and takes his ECW World Title because POT IS NOT COOL..... brother. But steroids is jake and all that stuff.

Oh yeah, and even I think Shannon Moore is a Tool.

6. ECW World Title Match

Rob Van Dam (champion) vs. "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan

RVD is able to hit Rolling Thunder, a sidekick, a chair shot, a Van Daminator, and a Five Star Frog Splash..... for the 2 count. Hulk hulks up and nails RVD with a plastic dinosaur. RVD sells it like he's dead. Hogan nails the legdrop and pins him for the 3 count! Your new ECW Champion is "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan! Of course, they do the handshake respect thing and Hogan celebrates with his title and his Hulkaextremeiacs.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Backstory of the diary and its origins...

Well, I was part of a diary a while back with Steve Corino that we both did. RAW was his show, and it was realistic and done well.

Smackdown! was my show, and I did it with the thought in mind to fuck everything up. And I did in grand fashion.

Well now, I'm bringing back my part of the diary, and I'm spreading it to all 3 shows! Now a few notes before we get started...

1. This has been on Gamefaqs for 2 months, so I need to repost some shows. I started out putting these things out fast, so I'm up to 29 shows so far. I'm not going to post them ALL today. Just a few to get you adjusted and we'll post the rest over time. k? thx.

2. The first few shows really have less rhyme and reason and are pretty crappy compared to the others. I was just feeling out the format and seeing what I wanted to do and where to go with this diary. I've got all sorts of directions now and it's going good so far.

3. Don't look for realism. This diary is not about realism. After reading the 29th show, you will wish Paul London got this kind of push though. And after the latest RAW I posted, you'll wonder if I really AM on LSD.

Alright, now that we have the warnings and all that b.s. out of the way, let's get to the good stuff. Here are my champions going into July 1, 2006.

RAW:

WWE Champion: Rob Van Dam

IC Champion: Shelton Benjamin

Tag Team Champions: The Spirit Squad

Women's Title: Mickie James

Smackdown:

World Champion: Rey Mysterio

United States Champion: Bobby Lashley

WWE Tag Team Champions: Brian Kendrick and Paul London

WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Gregory Helms

ECW:

ECW World Heavyweight Champion: Rob Van Dam

And off we go to the races!

This is some awesome, awesome stuff! A fresh idea, combined with some of the best storytelling and writing I've seen in a long while. Reflecto, you've got a reader in me.

Well I must say, I really dig the Forgotten, and I wonder what's up Smythe.

Keep it up... and much love for getting KENNEDY.... Kennedy.

So I was sitting here trying to figure it out.... even I couldn't think up New Demolition. Geez... Our Personal Beejus has pulled one up one me.

Simon: Reece, seriously... how could we NOT put that together?

Reece: Don't worry about it man? Take a look at the ratings! Ratings spiked when you showed Masteroth! They were at their lowest during the main event, but hey, that's Tomko for ya...

Simon: DON'T DISS THE GOAT!

Reece was taken aback by that.

Reece: Ok fine... geez... so anyway, I got RVD wrestling again for us tonight...

Simon: Seriously Reece, that leg looks like it's about to fall off. Are you sure you want him to keep wrestling?

Reece: Oh yeah... you should see what I have lined up for him to wrestle at the Spring Stampede dude!

Simon: Oh yeah? Who's that Reece?

Reece: Turn on your TV tonight... Milk Dud will tell ya in the first segment.

Sure, I didn't even know what I was booking... but did Russo? And how did Russo do? He had that great run of 99. If anything Russo is one of the reasons I have a job today. We should build a golden idol to Russo to celebrate his name. Then I should hire Charlton Heston to throw the Ten Commandments at it. I'm genius. Man that was a whole lotta rambling of nothing... guess I don't have much to say about tonight... but here we go kiddos!

MATT HARDY MATT HARDY MATT HARDY MATT HARDY MATT HARDY.... and that's the greatest intro ever to a show of mine.

WWE Velocity

April 23, 2005

One week away from Spring Stampede on Pay-Per-View... the big question... WILL ANYONE BUY IT?!"

We hit the SIDEWAYS PYRO~! and join Michael Cole and Al Snow for a tea in the garden and some wonderful commentary.

We start right out with Senor Milk Dud (in English, that means Teddy Long) in the back office as usual with the hordes of Milk Dud product placements. The yellow stands out really big time as usual.

Teddy: "Hello playas! Welcome to another exciting episode of Velocity, tonight sponsored by Milk Duds! Go pick a box or 27 from your local conveince store, and tell Apu I said 'hi' while you're there homie. Now while your enjoying those Milk Duds as you wash them down with.... well.... MILK... or beer. Whatever you prefer, we hope you enjoy this edition of Velocity with several big matches taking place tonight. But first... the Original Playa has some more announcements for the WWF Spring Stampede that will take place one week from now on a Saturday. Sure, it's on a Saturday, but I'm still sure people will watch. I mean, what is there to do on a Saturday? Seriously! Anyways, I have a need to announce two brand new matches for the Stampede. Our first match comes to us from the WWE Board. And by the Board, I mean Reece, the guy who sits in the van. He has announced a blockbuster match for the big show. At Stampede, we will see Mr. Thursday Night, Rob Van Dam go one on one with the best pure athelete on Smackdown today.... KURT ANGLE!"

Reece smiles right next to me. Damn, he really wants RVD hurt bad. I hope he didn't tell Kurt to stiff the shit out of him.... oh snap...

Teddy: "The other match I would like to announce tonight is the one the Paultimate Warrior, the WWE Cruiserweight champion mentioned in his video to us 3 days ago on Smacdkwon. He said I was going to bring him competition, and by God, that is what I will do. At Spring Stampede, the Paultimate Warrior will defend his title in a One-Fall, Fatal-Fourway match. That means of course, the first man to make the pinfall will be the Cruiserweight champion. Warrior doesn't even have to be involved in the decision for him to lose his title! That's the way it is playa! Now Warrior, your opponents for the match.... they are Chavo Guerrero.... "The Diceman" Billy Kidman... and Mark Jindrak!"

Snow: "Wait a minute... Jindrak isn't a cruiserweight by a long shot!"

Teddy: "Now I know what your thinking... Jindrak is 270 pounds and is nowhere near being a cruiserweight size wrestler.... but after eating a few Milk Duds and cotemplating it... I came to this conclusion.... THE MAN CAN JUMP REALLY HIGH! That's good enough for me to be in the cruiserweight action, and I declare him eligible for the Cruiserweight title at the Stampede! Good luck to all the participants in the matches! HOLLA HOLLA AND BUY A MILK DUD PLAYAS!

Overall: 65%

Your mom is a crack whore. Oh yeah, your dad too... unless your dad was in the mafia... or... something. HEY~! OH~!

"The Diceman" Billy Kidman vs. Nunzio

Billy Kidman randomly insults people around the ringside. You know, mothers, fathers, old people, little kids, the whole works. Billy doesn't discriminate. Nunzio takes it to him with his usual mat game that has won him many.... um... some.... ok, no fans outside the internet. Good luck getting a win Nunzio. We don't give Billy's win clean though... we have him low blow Nunzio covertly while in a waistlock. He then BK Bombs him and hits the "You're All Jackoffs" (Shooting Star Press) for the three count. He goes out to tell Tony Chimel afterwards to grow a set of balls and tell his mother to shave her mustache next time she wants to make love with him in the back behind the arena. HEY~! OH~! WAKKA WAKKA~! BAM~! What a classy guy.

Overall: 73% Crowd: 64% Match: 82% (**1/2)

As cool as the other side of the pillow... *apple gets spit in Stuart Scott's face* Damn, das not cool at all...

And we come back a commercial break filled with Milk Dud adverts to present to you CARLITO'S CABANA! Carlito and Carlito's hair enter the ring as he announces he has a guest tonight, but FIRST.... we must continue the list of things that are not cool. Here are ten more...

-Male Pattern Baldness.

-Rubber snakes

-Abercrombie Fitzwidget

-Uncle Max in Calvin & Hobbes

-Potted Plants

-That blond bitch you play as in Metal Gear Solid 2.

-Boogeymen

-A show without Kerwin

-Spinny whirly firework bombs that never work

-Fish Flavored Ice Cream

Now that we got the goods out of the way, let's bring out the bad... and here comes Booker T. Booker T slugs through an interview. I need to bring Sharmell in so she can be all OH NO YOU DIDN'T and Carlito is like *SPIT* Yeah I did bitch. Anyways, Carlito declares Booker T to be done and buried after losing two seperate matches to Snitskenreich. Snitskenreich ain't that cool Book! What the hell happened! Booker sleepwalk talks through the interview until Carlito declares Booker to be the most uncool person in the entire arena... and there are plenty of uncool peopl in this crowd right now. Booker starts taking offense and the next thing you know, we have a FIGHT! They hit each other with coconuts, lawn chairs, and baskets and knock over the palm tree set. Referees come down to finally break this up. Yes, I just started a mini-feud by having Carlito declare Booker T not to be cool. And you say coffee and shampoo are bad ideas for feud starters.... Nonetheless, Carlito held up his end to make this segment worth watching.

Overall: 86%

Carlito gains 1 point of overness for dissing that blond little bastard with no genitals when we could have been playing as Snake.

Wonderful Head of Hair vs. A Cripple. Guess who's winning kiddos?

Non-title

Orlando Jordan vs. Rob Van Dam

RVD continues to fight with one leg, and actually does good for himself. He is able to hit and enziguri... and he lands on his bad knee of course. RVD hurt himself. His fault. Enough said. Orlando gets to work him over till he misses a charge in the buckle and RVD pastes him with a HUGE forearm. He looks to aim for a kick, and out walks Kurt Angle holding a giant skeleton model. He then grabs the ankle of it... and rips it right off the model! RVD's eyes bulge out as Orlando sneaks up behind him. Turn, BAM. Black Ice, and there is the 3 count. Orlando and HIS HAIR~! win again as Kurt Angle smiles and walks off. At least RVD didn't tear anything this time. Orlando carries the match obviously...

Overall: 78% Crowd: 76% Match: 80% (**3/4)

Why did God put us on Earth? For us to witness this momentous occassion that takes place next.

HUGE pyro goes off meaning only one person.... MARK JINDRAK AND THE JUMP CHALLENGE~! Mark Jindrak comes out to an ovation that rivals a young Hulk Hogan back in the day. He grabs the mic, and let's get this show ROLLING...

Jindrak: "My friends, family, loved ones, fuckbuddies, and german gynacologists.... I welcome you once again to another edition of the MARK JINDRAK JUMP CHALLENGE~!"

And the crowd erupts. My has this gotten over fast.

Jindrak: "Now the jumping competition here in the WWE hasn't been exactly up to par as I had hoped... but I think tonights contestant will certainly be up to it. After all, he is Mexican, and there is a reason they are called mexican jumping beans people.... this man can fly around... hell, he jumps right out of his intro! Maybe even higher than me! Ladies and gentlemen, members of the media, your holiness *Pope bows in the front row*, I present to you the contestant for the Jump Challenge tonight.... REY MYSTERIO!

Mysterio, 1/2 of the tag team champions makes his jumping entrance and enters the ring and shakes Jindrak's hand.

Jindrak: "5'6 175 pounds of a hopping, jumping, crazy luchardore. It's Rey Mysterio, a tag team champion with Eddie Guerrero, who knows a thing or two about hopping himself.... welcome to the Jump Challenge my friend. Now... let's face the facts right now... you know how high I can jump... watch..."

Jindrak drops the mic for a moment and touches the bar way above him with great ease once again. Hero's ovation. He's God, did you know that?

Jindrak: "Now Mr. Mysterious One.... it's your turn. You may have a height disadvantage... but remember... YOU'RE A LUCHADORE! YOU CAN DO IT REY! TOUCH THAT DAMN BAR! TOUCH IT!"

The crowd is fired up! They wanna see Rey leap high up and touch, HE TAKES OFF.... AND BUBBA RAY ATTACKS FROM BEHIND! D'Von and Spike join in on the beatdown as Eddie follows and tries to ward off the fight... but it's 3 on 2... and Jindrak looks on with seething rage! He walks up to Spike... and pulls him off the beatdown and WALLOPS him with a left hook! Spike is down, Eddie is hurt, Rey is getting up, D'Von is holding his gut, Jindrak is God, it's a massive fight, a ref runs down, Reece wacks off, the Pope just spilled his beer, WE HAVE A MATCH!

Overall: 74%

Quick ass booking is a copywright of Vince Russo. I follow the ways of the Russo... I'm writing this on a cocktail napkin three hours before the show.

The Dudley Boyz vs. Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Mark Jindrak

And this is a clusterfuck ladies and gentlemen... but at least it's a competent one. Not a TNA or indy level one. Rey plays the face in peril since he does it so well. Bubba misses the senton like always (it's a Ric Flair top rope gag these days). Rey tags in Eddie who goes through the motions and hits the Three Amigos on D'Von. It BREAKS DOWN IN TULSA, and all that is left in the ring is Spike's Goatee and the being it is controlling named Spike Dudley vs. Mark Jindrak. Let's see... Tall impressive looking jumper vs. FUCKING SPIKE DUDLEY. Gee..... Jindrak them impresses the world by leaping OVER Spike when running at him to confuse him. Spike looks around like WTF? and gets the BIG FRIGGIN DROPKICK to the back of the head! That knocks him out and Jindrak gets the 3 count baby! Jindrak makes the belt motions... he wants the cruiserweight title the Paultimate Warrior possesses. Eddie and Rey hand a sombrero to Jindrak and they start jumping around like jumping beans to the "Spanish Flea" song. Now that is how you close out Velocity kids.

Overall: 75% Crowd: 74% Match: 77% (**1/4)

Overall: 72%

We got a 4.36 rating for 'Velocity'!

The attendance level was 8011 people.

We made $320440 from ticket sales.

Val Venis tells me this needed more 69%. Oh well... Jindrak wanted a push to the midcard... hell, he's earned it. Welcome to the midcard Jumpin Jindrak. RVD asked for a push too.... fuck him....

Personal.... Beejus... someone to hear your prayers.... YOUR TURN!

So I was standing there next to the van with Reece as a nice luxury rental car pulled up towards us at Palace of Auburn Hills in Detroit, Michigan. Out walked Smackdown's newest piece to the puzzle. After a trade that sent Bruce Lee Lite to RAW, Smackdown got someone I had kept my eye on, "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. Say what you want about his full nelson, but realize this.... BILLY JACK HAYNES USES IT! So if you bash Masters, you bash Billy Jack Haynes. Now do you wanna do that? Anyways, we approached Chris Masters and started talking about plans for his debut tonight.

Simon: Well Mr. Masters, we wanted you to run in during a match, but you need a reason... and frankly, I think the Masterpiece gimmick is not really working for ya. There are much bigger and more chisled guys out there. Your body doesn't really stand out kinda making the gimmick null and void. I'm saying we like you in the ring.... but we have to get rid of the "Masterpiece" gimmick.

Reece: Yeah, but were keeping that Full Nelson! That move is BOSS I tell you! BOSS!

Simon: Yeah, it's pretty old school. Me likey old school.

Masters: Well Simon, what did ya have in mind for a new gimmick?

Simon: I really don't know... me and Reece had been thinking about it for a while... we were gonna rename you Tee Fairway and give you a club named Big Bertha and have you be a golfer with an attitude, but that would have been too easy... Then we were thinking of the deadly Shark Boy, but we don't have a lawsuit on our hands now do we?

Reece: But Simon... we gotta keep his music! Have you heard that stuff? Sounds like a Final Fantasy theme! It's awesome!

All of a sudden in 5 seconds... it comes together in my head.

Simon: I'VE GOT IT!

Masters & Reece: Ya do?

Simon: Yeah! Reece, go anywhere in Motown and find me a LONG grey wig, a giant sword, some dark clothes. I think the make-up peeps have green contacts... I think it's time to reinvent Chris Masters....

And Reece ran off... this may be the beginning of the most fucked up idea I have ever had.... and I made Billy Kidman into a lounge act...

Smackdown... now 95% less herpes and 100% more ADD.

WWE Smackdown

April 21, 2005

Live from Detroit, Michigan. We would punch Ron Artest again.... twice.

We pop off that mad pyro as we are 10 days away from WWE Spring Stampede. Michael Cole and the Tazmaniac are on commentary tonight to bring you this exciting* action.

*incredibly tedious

And we start it out with a Smackdown debut...

Chavo Guerrero vs. Val Venis

Chavo gets a typical reaction... why didn't I think of Kerwin White... geez... I think I'm gonna have Rey announce he's really a black woman named Taisha Bond... or maybe not... anyways. "HELLOOOOO, LADIES" hits on the PA and it's 1998 again. Val still has male pattern baldness issues, but dammit, I'm not gonna let hair problems stop this gimmick! Besides... chicks dig chrome domes I heard. Then Val grabs the mic and after hitting his usual line to squeals from the ladies...

Val: "You know something ladies, the Big Valbowski and Big Ben Wallace... have a lot in common... of course you know... we both are experts at the Slam Dunk... we both are well known all of the world... the only difference is... while Big Ben is shaky on the outside... the Big Valbowski scores... EVERY...SINGLE...NIGHT!"

And with that last line, Chavo attacks to some boos. Not my best Valbowski, but I'll get better over time. It may take a while for newer fans to remember the old days of the Valbowski and when he wasn't depushed to hell, but I'll get them over that hump. Val hits all his spots and does his gyration punches as well. Near the end, Chavo runs at Val, but Val plants with a spinning spinebuster and goes up top. He gyrates a bit and BAM! MONEY SHOT! Remember when everyone sold that move as devestating? It looks damn legit in my eyes for a finisher. Solid move. And it gets the three count too. Val walks out and gives a towel to a plant and makes out with her.... whoops, did I say plant, I meant pla-...er...fan. There we go. Nice way to cover that up Simon. You're good. I know I am. Thank you. You know if you were gay, I'd do you in a second. Well... um... I'll take that as a compliment. Thank you me.

Overall: 75% Crowd: 69% (Yes Val...69) Match: 81% (**3/4)

Val debuted his new gimmick (Suave mother ******) and it got a positive response. Val also gained two points of overness for comparing himself to a basketball player. That gets you over in Detroit.

After commercial... we see in the ring...

"A. The great Memphisito who will take over the universe and has five asses!

B. Tony Blair in a hot dog eating contest with Kobayashi.

C. SHELTON BENJAMIN~!"

Out walks Shelton as he takes the mic. He talks about how he is gonna beat Orlando Jordan at Spring Stampede and merge the US and IC titles into one and become THE impact player on Smackdown, blah blah blah, ramble on Benji, blah blah blah I've got a manger blah blah and out walks JIM CORNETTE! Michael Cole has 3 heart attacks and Tazz starts banging his head on the commentators table for no reason. Ok... Cornette (with the RACKET~!) declares Shelton to be the finest athlete on Smackdown and with his guidance, he will show everyone that. Your looking at the future of this business in... MR... Benjamin.

Overall: 72%

Tool vs. Italian. This match will be nothing.... or WILL IT?!

Shannon Moore vs. Nunzio

I further piss Shannon Moore off by making him wear a vest that on the back says "I'm a Tool". I told him it's part of the gimmick. He spit on the floor and walked away. Pissy tool I guess... anyways, they have a match for about a minute and a solid one at that. Nunzio has Shannon Moore in an armbar on the mat... when dramatic music hits... wait, I know this music... ONE WINGED ANGEL?

The lights dim all over the arena until there is one spotlight on the entryway. At the height of the music, a man walks out... he wears black pants, a black vest looking shirt, a long black trenchcoat... he looks to have long grey hair, and he's carrying a long ass sword! And I can't forget the green contacts either. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Chris Masters to Smackdown.

Michael Cole: "That song's from Final Fantasy!"

Tazz: "Geek."

Masters walks down to the ring almost in a trance holding his sword in one hand. He shoots his left forward near the ring and green flames shoot out of the corners! He enters the ring where Shannon Moore and Nunzio are looking on like "WTF" and starts SWINGING THE SWORD! Shannon and Nunzio run off to hide in the corners... and Masters just drops the sword and kicks Nunzio right in the back of the head and out of the ring! He runs over to Shannon and locks him in the Full Nelson! He swings him around like a rag doll as commentary start getting notes from the back about Masters.

Cole: "Apparently, Masters wants to be called MASTEROTH!"

Tazz: "And the people in the back said he calls this move the Two Winged Angel! This is a devestating move by... Masteroth?!"

Masteroth drops Shannon as One Winged Angel continues to play over the PA system. The crowd has no fricking clue who Masters should be... but I do, and Reece just marked the fuck out to my left. Some smarks get it, marks are just going... WTF is this? Oh well, can't please all... he'll get pushed over time. Just wait till his first interview. Until then, bask in the glory of the newest member of Smackdown.... MASTEROTH!

Overall: 70% Crowd: 57% Match: 83% (**1/2, *********** if your a Final Fantasy fanboy.)

Masteroth debuted his new gimmick (Supernatural). It got a negative response. Oh look, a fanboy just commited suicide.

And how do you follow that up... well....

We see Snitskenreich standing there at the catering tables gorging themselves with twinkies and mixed nuts. Heh heh.... nuts.... anyways. All of a sudden, the Lords of the Ring enter the scene to the right and look at Snitskenreich.

Dinsmore: "How ya doin guys?"

Heidenreich: "Good, how bout ya'll."

Conway: "FUCKIN GREAT! We need to FUCKIN talk guys."

Snitsky: "About what?"

Dinsmore: "Well Simon and Reece just told me us 4 are in a last minute feud."

Snitsky: "Ah, cool. So how should we start it?"

Dinsmore: "I don't know... how about attacking us with a ladder or something?"

Heidi: "Well that sounds like a plan. Let's do that after I finish getting one of these Little Debbie Brownies."

Conway: "FUCKIN sorry man. I ate the last FUCKIN one earlier."

Heidi: "YOU DID WHAT?!"

Heidenreich grabs Conway up by the waist and spinebusters him through the catering table all of a sudden. Dinsmore goes to help his partner, but gets the big boot from Snitsky. Dinsmore and Conway lay lying in a sea of mixed nuts, twinkies and assorted healthy foods we never mentioned.

Overall: 61%

Nick Dinsmore lost 2 points for not having a defined gimmick out of this bunch. Who woulda though Nick would be the normal one out of these 4...

After that segment we see the same video we saw from last week of the blurred beatdown... but we have a new promo...

???: "YLKTREJSLKFASJG ATLSGKSGSGJLS'D GDSLKJTGLSKGJSDKLG SGJKLSDG QWNED QWNED QWNED GFKLSDJGKLSDGJSD GJLKSDGJDSUBLIMINALMESSAGEARWFJLGJ GSDGJSDKGSJL YOU'RE GOING DOWN FJKLASDFJASL FALKRJA WF AFJKJJDDK I AM NOT MUHAMMAD HASSAN ADKFJALRTJ DSGSKLG IN DA BUTT!"

He made lots of points... if I could understand them.

Overall: 50%

I have nothing going with this feud... and I don't feel like putting Eddie Guerrero in a frog costume and telling him to hop across the road......yet.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Bubba Ray Dudley

These guys go through the motions and surprisingly make the match pretty good and the match of the night. Bubba has great in-ring charisma. No question about that. D'Von runs out to cost Eddie the match, but Rey runs out with a chair to put a halt to that. Eddie hits the Three Amigos and frog splashes Bubba for the three. Spike walks in and starts talking trash to Eddie... so Eddie just kicks him the nuts and tosses him out. Rey and Eddie celebrate by putting on sombreros and eating nachos. VIVA LOS STEREOTYPES KERWIN WHITE!

Overall: 82% Crowd: 83% Match: 80% (***)

We go backstage see Val just coming out of the shower wearing a towel... so basically he's wearing his ring entrance attire... ok.

He walks around checking out the hot chicas all over the backstage area and he bumps into someone... and that someone happens to be Randy Orton.

Randy: "Well, well, well, if it isn't a washed up deadbeat stuck in 1998. Why isn't it Val Venis! Val... let me tell you something right now... your standing on MY show now. Smackdown is MY territory. In due time, I will be the WWE champion, and everyone will be answering to me. Just thought I'd tell you that. Good luck beating all those cruiserweights and little people in your opening matches. ha ha...

Val: "Well ain't you a cocky bitch."

Well that stopped Randy's laughing and got his attention.

Val: "What I see is a young kid who got lucky early in his career... and is relying on that to try and intimidate others. News flash Randy... it don't work on the Big Valbowski. No sir it doesn't. I've been in this fed for 7 years, and you don't intimidate me one bit Randy. I've taken you to the limit before on RAW and on Heat... and I can take you to the limit here on Smackdown."

Randy: "Yeah... well how about I push it to the limit?"

And Randy just SLAPS the shit out of Val. Val turns around and smiles and whips his right around... and NAILS Randy right in the back of the head with a hard slap. Randy tries to gain his balance... but he can't! He falls to a knee holding the back of his head in a big way. Val walks off with his trademark laugh as we see Randy's eyes glaze just a bit for a moment.... oh dear, he's still feeling the effects of the past concussions it looks like.

Overall: 84%!

Val Venis gained 3 points of overness for doing something we all want to do... slap the shit out of Randy Orton.

Watch me book Tyson Tomko in the main event... I dare you.

We go backstage to see Marissa Mazolla standing by with United States champion Orlando Jordan and his MAGNIFICENT HEAD OF HAIR, JBL, and Tyson Tomko, in a suit just like JBL and OJ.

Marissa: "JBL... in two weeks, you face John Cena for the WWE title in a steel cage match... but that doesn't seem to be the news right now. The news seems to be about... this man right here."

JBL: "Now Marissa, I know you haven't been here on Smackdown long... so from now on you can refer to me as a WRESTLING..................GOD! Now... yes, if you ain't blind like Stevie Wonder, you can see to my left stands the impressive Problem Solver, Tyson Tomko. Now, he was traded over from the Triple H show for a guy that is now known as Demolition Bam... seriously, why the hell did RAW think Tomko was not worth the investment? The man can knock anyone out with one kick to the jaw, BAM! Lights out... now here on Smackdown... he's going to get respect... and with me and Orlando Jordan beside him... he will get his respect.

"And the respect starts tonight. You see Marissa, Tyson is a Problem Solver... that means, he can take care of problems quite easily... and I have a problem... and his name is John Cena. Ol' 45 Cents doesn't understand that this is MY show. This is JBL's show! He can't run all over MY show with his rap and bling bling and all this lame crap he shows off for those damn Democrats in the crowd! Let me tell you something Marissa... tonight, Tyson will solve one of my problems. Tonight, he will take out Cena before he can even make it to Spring Stampede. I can promise you that."

JBL walks away as does Orlando. Tyson just stares at Marissa.... and BOOTS HER IN THE FACE! He looks down at her and takes his glasses off for a moment.

Tyson: "DAS..... BOOT!"

And Tyson puts on his glasses again and walks away...

Overall: 75%

TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES, SPECIAL SAUCE, LETTUCE, CHEESE, PICKLES, ONIONS, ON A- *slap*

Kenzo: "That not Whooper! You jackass!"

Kenzo Suzuki vs. Mark Jindrak

Kenzo comes out with his Burger Knights carrying him as he eats a DOUBLE Whopper. Yep, he needs all the energy he can get to beat the guy who can jump REALLY HIGH! Jindrak gets a massive amount of pyro that probably shot our bill up $2,000 more. Before the match, Kenzo pulls a burger off his carried throne and holds it out to Mark Jindrak with the big goofy smile the Burger King has on the commercials. Jindrak grabs it... and tosses it down! Jindrak doesn't eat unhealthy foods! It makes him jump much less higher! Kenzo attacks with his martial arts (re: he uses an open hand instead of closing it to hit Jindrak). He takes time to bite into his DOUBLE Whopper to get the energy to fight Jindrak. He finally takes one too many bites and turns around... RIGHT INTO THE BIG FRIGGIN DROPKICK! Beef, lettuce and ketchup go flying everywhere and Jindrak gets the 3 count for the victory. Jindrak wins once again... undefeated on the Smackdown brand since bringing in DA JUMP CHALLENGE~!

Overall: 70% Crowd: 66% Match: 74% (*3/4)

We now go to a video of the outside of a small center where we see a poster... with the Ultimate Warrior's face on it?

It says in big writing "WAY OF THE WARRIOR: Learn the mystics ways of the Ultimate Warrior and his teachings. Special speaker: WWE Cruiserweight champion, The Paultimate Warrior. The camera view changes to the inside where we see Paultimate himself talking to a group of (totally insane) people.

Paultimate: "And remember my fellow Warriorites... there is a way to the Paradise we call the Planet Warrior... if you trust in the Warrior... believe in him... and buy his comic books, rape Santa Claus, listen to his theme song every day for an hour while praying to your altar of him 3 times a day, work out to his bodybuilding videos... and wear tassles... you too can go to a happy place. You can go... to the Planet Warrior. You can go to a world run by the mystical Ultimate Warrior... and he will show you and the rest of us that QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! Little Warriors, LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE BOXES!"

The crowd stands up cheering and giving him an applause. This is a brainwashing to the nth degree. The camera view changes to later on as people leave. London is at the door passing out pamphlets. He takes time though to talk to the camera.

Paultimate: "This is the life... the way of the Warrior... it's not a way of thinking... it's a way of life, and I live it every day and spread the word of it. And with the power of cable and satillite television, the message continues to be passed on. But now, in 10 days, my message will be relayed to the world via... Pay-per-view. Who am I facing? Well, archminister of the Planet Smackdown, Theodore R. Long says he make this ominous question become and ominous answer on Velocity in 2 days. Until then, pray to your Warrior alters, that I, Paultimate Warrior, the minister of Warriorism and the Ways of the Warrior, will get some competition... and maybe a convert to the right way... the Warrior way. I thank you for being here tonight my little Warriors. Good luck and remember... IN WARRIOR WE TRUST!"

..... I have nothing to say after typing all that.

Overall: 69% (Geez, Val Venis must be doing the ratings tonight)

Smackdown's main event has Tyson Tomko in it. Take a drink.

Non-title Match

Tyson Tomko vs. John Cena

Okay, to put it frankly... this isn't Cena's best match. This is probably Tyson's best, but that isn't saying a lot. But still... he looks badass in a suit, so I push him. Simple logic folks. This goes on for a little while with slams, chinlocks, bearhugs, and (________________ Fill in the blank with a resthold. Tyson probabaly used it). This keeps going till Cena Five Knuckle Shuffles Tyson and pumps up. Out runs Orlando with his US title. He hops on the apron as Shelton appears and grabs Orlando's leg. Tyson goes to whip Cena into Orlando, but Cena reverse and FATE takes over. Tyson bounces off Orlando as Cena lifts up Tyson.... WHAM FIREMAN'S CARRY. Cena gets the 3, and JBL appears on the entryway to stare a hole through the Doctor of Thuganomics as we close out the show. Tyson lies on the ground going "DAS.... BAD." Carlito wants to know if I'm killing his gimmick by Tyson saying "das", but I told him don't worry, it's cool. He then declared me to be on the cool list. I'm so giving him a push now.

Overall: 72% Crowd: 74% Match: 68%

Final Overall: 69%?! Val really was doing the ratings I guess... well, he had a hell of a show anyways... 5 points of overness gained in one night... impressive night for the Big Valbowski.

We got a 5.85 rating for 'Smackdown!'!

The attendance level was 8027 people.

We made $321080 from ticket sales.

Later, Reece told me Tyson and Cena didn't 'click'. No shit Sherlock. For two guys who can brawl, you'd think they would, but alas.... Problem Solvers and rappers with a devestating fireman's carry don't mix I guess. Let that be a lesson to 50 Cent for the future.

So I was sitting there planning out Velocity... Randy Orton makes his Smackdown brand debut, I test out Rob Conway's new gimmick... Shannon Moore is a Tool, Round 2... and of course the most popular segment in the history of the WWE, The Jump Challenge brought to you by Hoover Vaccums and Mark Jindrak... and then my producer and creative assistants, Ronald and Wesley ran up to me in a huff.

Ronald: Boss, we got a problem.

Simon: What is it now? Who's injured? Who feel off the toilet and torn their ACL?

Wesley: No one... but we did have a problem with the videos for Val Venis and that new guy your bringing in.

Simon: What's wrong with 'em?

Ronald: Well Mr. Simon, the videos have kinda been... melted together... the machine started kicking out on us and it put both of Val's and the other guy's videos together!

Simon: That's all? That way we can hype two guys at the same time! Nice work killing the machine! Play the tape...

Wesley: But boss-

Simon: Play The Tape.

I mean seriously... what was so bad about the tapes being melted together somewhat?

And now for your orgasmic pleasure... I bring to you WWE Velocity... this Velocity has 100% more Jindrak and 100% less Juvi. I don't know which one I like more...

WWE Velocity

April 16, 2005

You could watch Backlash tomorrow, but seriously... would you watcHHH it?

We hit the cool sideway pyro with a wooden mallet and a rusty nail and turn it over to Michael Cole and Al Snow.

And we start off with the most popular thing since the herpes cream I gave everyone after the show. Yes, the STDs are starting to go away... but they will creep up sooner or later...

And Mark Jindrak walks out to a whole lotta pyro, a whole lotta confetti, and a whole lotta fanfare. All this over the ability to jump... geez... why did Olympic high jumpers never learn how to wrestle? That Fosbury guy could have been FREAKIN OVER in the WWE. Anyways, Jindrak takes the microphone and we're off and running.

Jindrak: "Ah yes my wonderful fans... it is time once again for everybody's favorite segment in the WWE this side of the booking meetings... the MARK JINDRAK JUMP CHALLENGE~! The fan mail and e-mails have been POURING in and I think each and every one of you... but I can honestly say... I probably could jump higher than ya'll. And for those little kids who sent me letters wishing they could jump as high as me... hey, you got something to strive for! Work on your calves and leg muscles all the time! One day, you'll be able to jump as high as I can! Now then.... the challenge this week is 100% less toolish compared to last week... but 100% more crippled! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.... Mr. Thursday Night, Rob Van Dam!"

RVD walks out on crutches looking pissed off at the world. Reece is making him still be in that ring even though he's injured. Boo hoo RVD... everyone's got herpes and your complaining about a torn ACL? DEAL WITH IT ROBBY BOY.

Jindrak: "Well well it's the high flying superstar we call RVD. How ya doin Rob?"

RVD: "Well I'm on painkillers right now for my knee and-"

Jindrak: "Excellent news Robbie! Now Robbie... we know you jump high when you come off that top rope for the Five Star Frog Splash... but can you jump high when your on this mat? As you know, I possess one of the highest leaps in the entire world... watch."

Jindrak then drops the mic and leaps HIGH into the air and touches the bar above him to a great response from the crowd. He's a crowd magnet people.

Jindrak: "See, I make a Mario brother leaping for a question mark block look silly. Now it's your turn Robbie V."

RVD: "Hey, you know my leg is hurt... I can't jump-"

Jindrak: "And did I mention that Reece said your medical insurance would be taken away if you didn't do this? No painkillers or anything for you!"

RVD: "WHAT? THAT LITTLE BASTARD!"

Jindrak: "Yeah.... so let's see if ya can jump cripple!"

RVD has to drop his crutches... and he leaps! He gets good height with one leg, but misses the bar and lands right on the bad leg again! He falls down howling in pain as Jindrak shakes his head. RVD starts screaming "IT TORE AGAIN!"

Jindrak: "Tsk, tsk... oh well... once again, I, the magnificent Mark Jindrak have come out victorious in a Jump Challenge. Tune in again next week when I totally own another Smackdown superstar. Until then, this is Mark Jindrak saying if you can't do 500 leg squats every day.... your a bitch. Thank you and good night!"

Jindrak leaves to a hero's ovation as the stretcher comes out to drag RVD's ass to the back.

Overall: 68%

Rob Van Dam lost 2 points for his wonderful (re: wooden) acting job.

This is the part of the show where people wrestle... yeah I know... foriegn concept...

Rene Dupree vs. Nick Dinsmore

Dinsmore and Dupree have an extremely solid match. Dupree is underrated in my opinion. He has the look and size to be major star here... but that will have to happen at a later date. This push right now is for the Lords of the Ring. Dupree looked pretty dominant though until Kenzo's music started playing on the PA system. He was carried out on his throne by.... what the hell? It looked like Japanese soldiers with burgers on the front of their shirts. And Kenzo is wearing a crown and eating a burger on the way down to the ring! Dupree looks at him like WTF?! as Dinsmore stalks him from behind... there's the German Suplex, and there is the 3 count for Dinsmore! Kenzo looks on shaking his head and eating a Double Whopper. Dupree gets up and stares at Kenzo and is all like "what the hell are you doing? Kenzo grabs the mic and says three words that change his character and future forever....

Kenzo: "HAIL BURGER EMPEROR!"

The burger soldiers take him back to the back as Rene stares in confusion... and who can blame him.

Overall: 77% Crowd: 72% Match: 82% (**3/4)

And after that, we go backstage to where Marissa Mazolla is standing by the victorious Nick Dinsmore and his partner Rob Conway...

Marissa: "Nick, congratulations on your win. Now what are you and Rob Conway going to do now here on Smackdown?"

Nick: "Well I think it is obvious Marissa... we are on a quest to prove that we truly are, the Lords of that ring, that we are the best tag team there is in the WWE and to become the WWE Tag Team Champions."

Marissa: "And Conway, do you think you will be able to reach that goal any time soon?"

Conway: "FUCK YEAH!"

Nick and Marissa panic as Conway just said that on live TV!

Nick: "Dude, you can't say that!"

Conway: "Why the FUCK not!? It's a FUCKING word! Words were meant to be said! Now let's talk about that DICKHEAD Rene Dupree and his personal BITCH Fifi. Wanna do that Marissa? Point is... that is Nick Dinsmore, and I'm ROB FUCKING CONWAY! We are the LORDS OF THE FUCKING RING! We are the best damn tag team in the world! And if you don't believe that, then we will **** **** ON YOUR ******* **** AND **** YOUR MAMA ON THE ********! AND THAT'S THE ******* TRUTH MOTHER FUCKER!"

Conway walks away as Dinsmore and Marissa just stand there in shock of what just happened. And I'm glad we have a great censor too... or I would be ****** over.

Overall: 63%

This made Beejus cry... but oh well. At least he's losing to a wrestling............................................... long pause isn't it?........................... GOD.

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Psychosis

JBL comes out without his usual swagger... I guess the idea of a steel cage match with Cena isn't making him happy... and he proceeds to stiff the bloody hell out of the Mexican superstar. Scott Hall Contractually Obligated Fallaway Slam, Power Bomb, and Clothesline from MSNBC later... JBL wins. And then he Clotheslines Psychosis again for the hell of it... that evil Republican.... I've got nothing for this... besides, I don't want to offend anyone with Mexican Jumping Bean jokes.

O: 76% C: 77% M: 76% (**)

And we come back to see the same video of Val Venis last week... what the hell?!

Every 3 seconds, the video cuts away to the debut guy's video screaming his untranslateable promo! At one point, our mystery guy screams YOU'RE GOING DOWN right as it cuts away to the Venis video when the woman is starting to go down on Val! OH JESUS THE TAPE GOT STUCK ON THIS PART AND REPEATS FOR A FULL MINUTE! I can't wait for that meeting with the censors... they're going down....

Overall: 61%

How many Tools does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but these two could probably tell you after they argue about what color the blinds in the windows should be.

Shannon Moore vs. Randy Orton

This is Randy Orton's debut on the Smackdown brand. He gets his usual pyro, awesome pose, and the song...

HEY (HEY)

THIS SONG IS REALLY GAY (GAY)

Anyways... Shannon Moore comes out looking more gay than Randy Orton... and that's quite the accomplishment for the young Tool from North Carolina. Orton overpowers him and clubs him around the ring with his OVW offense. I mean it's way too simple. Shannon Moore is able to make a pretty ok comeback hitting the Giant Tool (Corkscrew Moonsault off the top) on Orton. Orton falls on the back of his head and holds in quite a bit of pain. Nice sell job. He's got a glazed over look, and Shannon looks like he may pull off something good here... but Orton leaps up out of nowhere and RKO's him into the next dimension. 1-2-3, and Orton wins in his debut on Smackdown. He tries to climb up to the top rope to celebrate, but he just holds his head in quite a bit of pain. Concussion maybe? Who knows... he still beat a Tool, and that's all that matters.

P.S.: They would have picked purple blinds to match the walls and a yellow bookcase for that Toolish contrast to the room. See them next with Christopher Lowell on Interior Motives.

O: 71% C: 67% M: 75% (**)

Overall: 66%

Not that good of a show really... lackluster in some ways... but we did have Jindrak and parents lighting up the switchboards left and right. Afterwards, the censors called me and I told them to shove a DICK monkey up their FUCKING ass and FUCK them and their FUCKING uptight BITCHWADS with giant DICKS and a coconut ***** (well, even I can't type that). FUCK you and have a nice day.

The last three setnences were brought to you by McDonalds. I'm FUCKING lovin' it mother FUCKER.

Beej, it's your go man. Good luck with Backlash. I'll be there cheering on Marty. Reece wants to meet up with later to talk about some coke deal or something...

The rest of what we currently have will be posted tomorrow. Hope you enjoy what you have seen so far. Feedback is appreciated.

So I'm sitting there going over the show with a few of the peeps explaining their roles. Snitsky, Booker, and Heidenreich went off to plan what they were doing for the night, as did several others. Carlito declared what he was doing to be pretty cool, and I was like.... cool... but he declared his itching not to be cool. He was one of the ones that went to the club. Many others did sadly... so this was gonna be a rough night for the poor guys... but we all have ONE OF THOSE DAYS every now and then.... why the hell do I capitalize ONE OF THOSE DAYS? It's like I'm promoting as a new soap opera on ABC.... on the next ONE OF THOSE DAYS... Torrie Wilson declares she's pregnant.... and it's not Billy's baby... plus... Gene has a special secret he's been keeping from Heidrenich... if you can't guess it, your a dumbass moron.... all this on the next ONE OF THOSE DAYS...

Okay, that ain't happening... but don't count it out one day...

Speaking of Kidman, I gave him his brand spanking new JACKET~! and explained his new gimmick...

Kidman: Um, Simon man... even I know I'm not the greatest talker in the world... um... can we give this to someone else? Like say Jindrak?

Simon: Ok Kiddy... first, don't book for me. Second, Mark Jindrak already has a gimmick... HE CAN FUCKING JUMP! And three... you have that look man... and that jacket fucking rules man.

Shannon Moore then walks by...

Simon: Not like this tool's jacket...

Shannon just stomps away... pissed off at the world... what an angsty tool.... oh well... I guess it's time to start this show...

Smackdown... we still perform for you... even if we have green bumps on our crotch.

WWE Smackdown

April 14, 2005

Live from Buffalo... in our minds... we are wide right.

We hit the pyro really loud with our heads as we join Humpty Dumpty (Tazz) and Simple Simon who has never ate pie but once ate a pieman (Michael Cole).

And we start off the show... oh hell, we're starting it off with a guy who wears tassles and needs Ritalin as soon as possible.

For the Cruiserweight Title... damn he's a fighting champ!

© The Paultimate Warrior vs. Akio, Akio, bo Bio, banana fana, fo Fio, me, mi, mo, Mio.... AKIO!

Akio comes down to the ring in his kickass Shaolin outfit that looks like he's wearing pajama bottoms... and then the music hits... and HERE COMES THE WARRIOR! He runs down to the ring wearing a million tassles as usual and gets gassed 15 seconds in. And then he grabs the mic.... oh Christ....

Paul: "LITTLE WARRIORS, LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE BOXES!"

Paul gets some cheers... but still a lot of silence at the sight of him. Seriously.... this is pretty nuts. Akio looks at him like... oh hell, he probably saw something that looked like him on a PS2 game from Japan anyways...

Paul: "AKIO, THE ORIENTAL WONDER OF MALE PATTERN BALDNESS... this is the sacrifice the gods have given me tonight?! They have given me a Hakushi look alike that wears Pajama bottoms?! Well Akio, QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! Once again, I have come back from my weekly hibernation at the Planet Warrior to smite the cruiserweights of the WWE... and Akio, you are in the warpath of a man on a real mission... a mission to teach the world... THE WAY OF THE WARRIOR! *his voice suddenly gets calm* And if you would like to know more about this way, I have some pamphlets that I will gladly pass out on the way out as you leave the show tonight. *he suddenly goes back to his crazy voice* BUT BACK TO YOU AKIO! I see in your eyes... how very small they are... that you do not wish to partake in the ways of the Warrior..."

Akio shakes his head no... and after seeing London, who can blame him...

Paul: "Well my Shaolin punk monk... YOUR DAY HAS COME! For tonight... the Ultimate Warrior, your God and mine... has decided that YOU, yes YOU my young Akio, are the one to be the one that shall lay down for the 3 count that the Ultimate Warrior once handed to the likes of the Undertaker... to Hulk Hogan... and SKINNER! Yes, I said Skinner! Skinner was a tough one I tell you... so by the power of the Alaska oil pipeline connecting to the Neverland Ranch where Michael Jackson fondles little girls instead of boys... that's true... YOU SHALL BE SMITE DOWN AKIO! WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVATE!"

And it is so on like Donkey Kong... they proceed to have a DAMN fine match (100% match quality!)... but Akio was in the club the other night, and he keeps scratch himself in an uncomfortable way that disturbs some people... oh well... anyways... Akio goes for Akio Time... GO AKIO GO... but London moves... and GRABS THE ROPES! And if you let London grab the ropes... you know one thing... it's all over... London no-sells everything, punches Akio, gorilla presses him and splashes him for the academic 3 count to retain his title! HE'S SMITING THEM ALL! And he runs to the back to go get his pamphlets and prepare for the coming of the fourth moon's eclipse on the Planet Warrior.

Overall: 69%... oh Jesus... poor Akio....

After all that... some lounge music hits on the PA? Ok... and Kidman walks out in his SWANK NEW SHINY JACKET~!

He enters the ring and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He pulls out one, lights it up and starts to smoke it. He motions for a stagehand and gets an ENTIRE microphone stand brought into the ring... what the hell is this?

Billy: "Hi ya doin ya jackasses?!"

And of course the crowd boos if you call them jackasses...

Billy: "Now I'm here to tell all you morons a story... here we go kids.... Little Boy Blue... because he needed the money. HEY~!"

He gets a kick out of the story... but it looks like no one else does... they just boo the joke.

Billy: "Oh come on you bastards, you should love that stuff! All right, here's a better one.... Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, and sat down beside her... and said WHAT'S IN THE BOWL bitch?! HEY~! OH~! YEAH~!"

The crowd boos again... that was really lame, even for my standards.

Billy: "Oh you guys are from Buffalo. You wouldn't know a winning joke anyways... or winning anything... but all you need to know is this... "The Diceman" Billy Kidman is gonna become the biggest thing to hit Smackdown since Heidenreich poking Michael Cole. OH~! HEY~! You believe that you turdheads. YEAH~!"

And he leaves to massive booing... God, Kidman really doesn't have the charisma to pull this off... I'm gonna love putting him out there every week then!

Overall: 51%

And we go from no charisma... to porn stars! Yes, sure it's wooden acting, but you need a lot of charisma to get a blowjob in the middle of a 100 people.

We see another Val Venis video with him sitting in a bathtub talking about how he's gonna come to Smackdown to... RISE... to the top of the card. I'm gonna have fun making sex puns with this guy. Then a girl gets in the tub and starts going down on him... and then we have to cut the tape because UPN didn't want the rest of that shown.. all we get after that is... VAL VENIS COMES TO SMACKDOWN.... NEXT WEEK~!

Overall: 75

Val gains one point for getting a girl to go down on him in the middle of a video put on UPN. That ladies and gentlemen, is good TV.

This next match is here for your enjoyment... oh who am I kidding? I have D'Von Dudley in this match!

Rey Mysterio vs. D'Von Dudley

Mysterio and the Dud have a sluggish match.... not much motivation behind this feud it seems... oh well. Rey Mysterio nails D'Von into the 619 position... and here comes Bubba in the TYE DYE AND GLASSES! BUBBA BOMB! 3D! Rey gets decimated... and here comes Eddie! He runs down to beat both men up... and Spike Dudley pops up from under the apron and low blows Eddie! Just a thought... how do wrestlers get under there? Do they stay there for an hour just to low blow someone? Cause if they do... that's pretty fucking lame. They could just run out and do that. Does hiding under a ring for an hour make it more evil? Anyways, Eddie gets the crap beat out of him too. Spike has to wear bigger pants, because he's having...um... swollen problems and we don't want people to know what religion he is...er...yeah... NEXT...

Overall: 67%

The following segment is sponsored by Milk Duds, the greatest chocolate candy after M&Ms, Snickers, 3 Muskateers, Milky Ways, Rolos, Klondike bars, Hershey bars, Whatchamacallits, Mounds, Almond Mounds, Pinson Mounds, Mr. Goodbar, Mrs. Goodbar, Little Timmy Goodbar, Dr. Raymond Goodbar and the Goodbar Kliq, and Reece's Peanut Butter Cups... it's better than everything else though!

And here we see Teddy Long in an office COVERED in Milk Dud paraphenilia. There are Milk Dud pencils, pens, mugs, lamps, posters... sheesh. Talk about product placement...

Teddy: "Ladies and gentlemen, the few announcements I would like to make tonight are sponsored by the one and only Milk Duds, the only candy to be shaped like my head! HOLLA HOLLA PLAYERS! Eat a Milk Dud to day! They don't expire for 18 years, so they're still fresh folks! Now then, we must press on to some serious business... first off... as you can see from last week, when Shelton Benjamin was traded over to Smackdown from RAW, he brought us something with him... he brought the Intercontinental title to our beloved show. Now... this can create quite a clutter here on Smackdown... we have a WWE champion... a cruiserweight champion... tag team champions... US champion... and now a Intercontinental champion... well i don't want to have clutter and people fighting over meaningless titles... so what we are going to do is fuse TWO TOGETHER PLAYA! That's right... at Spring Stampede on the 30th of April... we will see Shelton Benjamin take on Orlando Jordan... in a unification match! Two titles will merge and become one! But I'm not stopping with the announcements... tonight, in that very ring... you will see two champions go at it! Orlando, I hope your ready, because your opponent for tonight... is the WWE Champion himself, JOHN CENA!

But that is not all... I have talked to Cena and he has picked the stipulation for his match with JBL at Spring Stampede... and he has decided the only way to finish this off once and for all... is to hold the match within the confines of a STEEEEEEEEEEL CAGE! So at Spring Stampede, we will see... JBL against John Cena for the WWE title, in a CAGE MATCH! HOLLA HOLLA AND BUY A MILK DUD PLAYAS!"

Overall: 71%

The herpes wasn't his fault... but sleeping with prostitutes without Trojans... yes, that is.

Booker T vs. Gene Snitsky

The POWER OF THE HERPES strikes again, this time to poor Gene Snitsky. I need to get that Priolsec or whatever they call it to prevent this stuff. Sheesh... anyways, Gene gives it all he can give... I can feel for the guy... he gets in his powerful Sid like offense. And Booker T... sleepwalks through this. Same may say he put effort into it... but I say NO SHEEBA NO! Booker T has to step up some more.... until then, he'll get a Bossman Slam from Heidenreich and pinned by Snitsky for the 3 count like he did here. GO SNITSKENREICH AND STUFF~!

Overall: 65% (I blame Booker because I'm running this show and I can. Besides, his wife annoys me backstage. She's all don't go there girlfriend and I'm like NO YOU DIDN'T, and she's all like YEAH I DID so I went down to the beauty salon to tell all the ladies....)

After the breaks, we have apples, palm trees, lawn chairs, and a man in the coolest clothes in the world.... while this is usually the setting at my house, this is right now, Carlito's CABANA!

He declares Buffalo to be totally uncool... hell, he's hit the mark for once! He then says he has another part of his 50 things that are not cool list... here's 10 more for ya'll uncool people...

-Little emo punks who try to make everyones' life miserable

-Bubbles

-David Letterman

-Getting chocolate stains on your khakis... damn Milk Duds...

-Jak after the first Jak

-Kurt Angle's suits

-Booker T's wife

-The Clap... damn itching.....

-Crabs... I mean the animal... not the disease... ask Rob Conway about that problem...

-Avril Lavigne

That is all for the uncool list for now... but now he wants to introduce someone who is pretty cool... but not as cool as Carlito... he is Mr. Shelton Benjamin! On the titanron appears this...

"Who is coming to the Cabana?

A. Kevin McBride

B. Rob & Amber

C. SHELTON BENJAMIN~!"

Shelton gets a great pop and holds his IC title high and talks to Carlito about coming to Smackdown to make a powerful impact. He then declares his intentions to be THE man on Smackdown, and out comes your and mine wrestling..... GOD... JBL. JBL gets pissed at JBL for ruining his chance to take out Eminem once and for all last week and says he will pay for it. And Shelton says... C THIS! And nails JBL right in the face with a right hand! It becomes insane as Carlito bails out to the outside to get away from this. OJ and his MAGNIFICENT HEAD OF HAIR run in to make it a 2-on-1 beatdown on Shelton until John Cena runs in with a chain to drive the remains of the Cabinet away. Must have been scared he would have Fireman Carried them to death. JBL and Orlando laugh on the way back and JBL promises Cena "a suprise... that will leave him down on the mat by the end of the night". DUN DUN DUNNNNNN...

Overall: 79%

No one gained or lost... they must all be sleeping with that Overness woman this week... so she's the one causing the STDs!

And now, a rematch from last week! Aren't you excited?! You should be! Look who it is... oh no... why do you think I will **** it up again?

Kurt Angle vs. Nunzio

Nunzio has a new game plan this week says Michael Cole. Angle enters and Nunzio goes to throw a punch... Angle hooks it into a Fujiwara Armbar and transitions to the ankle lock! Nunzio taps! Another 6 second match! Angle walks off to the back having FOILED Nunzio's plans once again! Once again... awesome match.

Overall: 80% (Had a 99% match rating... but Nunzio had syphillis of course...)

We then get a video of a blurred individual beating up people to a large crowd response... can't tell who it is or he is beating...

And then we here one of his infamous promos over the video...

???: "SDLKGJDLKGFSDJGLKDF HLGSKDJGLKSFDG DFJLKGSDKJF KDFJGD UTQAWRA DJSG GD G GJKSLGSJ KLGJSDLKG KGDD YOU'RE GOING DOWN JSLRAWOAFJ GSNDL GJALKDGLS!"

He's coming to Smackdown... soon....

Overall: 58%... what the hell was that?

<b>And now two sweaty men in tights declare what they like about each other.... no this is not gay. Why do you ask?</b>

We see Snitskenreich in the back getting their bags packed and getting read to leave. And then Heidenreich speaks up...

Heidenreich: "I like what you did to Booker T out there tonight."

Snitsky: "I like what you did with that swinging slam thingy that you did."

Heidenreich: "I like how you put his shoulders on the mat for the 3 count."

Snitsky: "I like what you did the way you sneaked out of that ring so the referee didn't see you."

Heidenreich: "I still like the way you punted that baby."

Snitsky: "I still like the what you do with poems."

Heidenreich: "I like what you did with your beard and all those rubber bands."

Snitsky: "I like what you did with your hair... what shampoo did you use?"

Heidenreich: "Suave.... for men."

Snitsky: "I like what you do with that."

Heidenreich: "Hey, do your nads itch as much as mine do?"

Snitsky: "Probably... I like what you do with your itch."

ANDDDD, let's get away from that scene as soon as possible...This goes for another 15 minutes or so again... I love my fans and you can tell with pieces like this.

Overall: 58%

Snitsky and Heidenreich lost 2 points of overness for that long uncomfortable pause between "Suave" and "for".

And now for the main event... like anyone who reads this really cares.... well read on for something exciting! Ok, not that exciting, but I like the idea...

Non-title Match

John Cena vs. Orlando Jordan

The champs are here! Yes, these two guys are my champions when I have so many other guys on my roster.... and one tool. Anyways, Orlando uses his BOXING ROOTS with his black gloves and the power of his MAGNIFICENT HEAD OF HAIR to take it to Cena. Cena makes the obligitory comeback, Spinny Powerbomb, Five-Knuckle Shuffle, and then goes for the KICK WHAM FIREMAN'S CARRY when a bald guy with a long ass goatee in a SWANK~! suit runs in and BOOTS Cena's head off! The ref calls for the DQ as the individual who ran in takes his shades off... IT'S TYSON TOMKO! Tomko casually picks up Cena and then delivers his torture rack into a neckbreaker that I need a name for. JBL walks out and it's a 3 on 1 beatdown! Shelton tries to run in for the save and does good for himself... and then gets BOOTED to hell by Tomko. Tomko is apparently the newest member of the Cabinet as JBL, OJ, and Tomko raise hands to a massive amount of boos. END SHOW... Bad match... Cena and Jordan had gonahrea, NUFF SAID...

Overall: 72%

Overall: 66%

We got a 6.16 rating for 'Smackdown!'!

The attendance level was 8016 people.

We made $320640 from ticket sales.

God damn that's pretty bad besides the rating. I was later told Booker T and Gene Snitsky didn't 'click'. WELL DUH... Booker is holding Gene back! I won't have Booker T become the Triple H of Smackdown!

Also, Kidman came up to me afterwards and said the following. "How about hooking me up with Khosrow Daivari as a manager? It would improve my interviews and give an extra dimension to my character." I laughed my head off at this poor fool... DAIVARI IS ON RAW YOU DUMBASS! I CAN'T GET HIM RIGHT NOW! And besides... his gimmick is fine. The last thing Kidman's character needs is an arab guy that speaks no english following him around. Seriously.

Well, I'm off to go take some pills for my herpes. I'll be back for a thrilling Velocity.

TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE

Yes, big bold letters to announce a trade me and the royal Beejus have made.

Smackdown will be welcoming Tyson Tomko over to the Smackdown brand. RAW gets Scotty 2 Hotty in return. Reece wanted Tomko on the roster because he thinks he looks like a goat and GOATS RULE~! Beej probably wants to save Scotty's career. Good luck Beej...

-----------------------------------

LATER ON THAT DAY...

From wwe.com

World Wrestling Entertainment has released Luther Reigns. We thought he was great at first, but we realized he sucked and was a complete douche. We wish the best of luck to Luther and his future endeavors.

To replace him, we have signed someone for a 1 year $40,000 contract. Who is it? Well... I won't say yet. You shall see in the coming weeks. All I can say is... you will probably mark out.

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Okay... my wordpad COMPLETELY screwed up on me. I had all the info put down... and went to save it... and the FUCKING WORDPAD OF ALL THINGS FROZE! So... all I have is overall stats. I remember who lost overness. No problem there. No match ratings or anything like that though for the update... although that will make sense a little when I make the show... you shall see...

------------------------------------

So we got to the arena that day in Buffalo, New York, home of the world famous losing Buffalo Bills, and I realized something.... I've got a really nasty itch on my crotch. I check it... oh dear God... HERPES! I've got FUCKING HERPES! A lifetime of being careful, and one night in New York ruins it all... now... wait a minute... if I've got it, then... oh dear God...

I went to go say hello to the other wrestlers... and they were all feeling uncomfortable... especially after putting on their tights. JBL was screaming about some bitch in New York... ok, long story short, after a sold out show at Madison Square Garden where the team of Cena and Benjamin beat JBL and OJ in a great main event, I took the guys out to a club... and by club, I mean a club with hookers... and by that I mean a strip club. And well... it was pretty damn fun... and then we found out they all wanted sex with us... so of course, we were pounding the drinks heavy and didn't give a shit... and now most of the guys are running around now with various STDs! I think only Angle, Kenzo, Hiroko, Booker T and a few others are not running around with a burning crotch right now. Maybe Kidman doesn't, but we couldn't tell. He can't show emotion anyways.

I knew it... it was gonna be ONE OF THOSE DAYS....

So I'm sitting there with Teddy Long going over notes for his segment when Reece walks into the office area.

Reece: Dude, Simey, you're so gonna totally love me!

Simon: Uh... why?

Reece: I just got us a new sponsor for Velocity and Smackdown!

Simon: Awesome dude! Who did ya get? Cingular? Dell? Pepsi?

Reece: No... MILK DUDS!

Simon and Teddy: ........

Reece: What?

Simon: No one buys Milk Duds anymore... sheesh... how are they paying us... and don't say crack or pot...

Reece: No, they are paying the dinero... but we need a spokesperson... YOU TEDDY!

Teddy: ME?

Reece: Yeah, besides, your head looks like a Milk Dud!

Teddy: WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU BASTARD?!

I left the room after that... I didn't want to get into this argument or see it. Last I heard, Reece got Teddy Long to agree and is actually going to oversee the segment where Teddy Long announces some of our matches for the next PPV. I'll have to see how this works...

And now at a time when no one is watching and they are off having a good time at clubs or just at home going at like ravenous beasts like me and my girl... VELOCITY~!

WWE Velocity

April 9, 2005

The Second Velocity. I Actually Made It That Far. Wow.

We hit the COOL ASS SIDEWAY PYRO and kick it over to Michael Cole and Al "You know what I'm getting underneath this announce table?" Snow at the booth.

And we start with a match that will mean NOTHING by the start of the next segment.

Funaki vs. Billy Kidman

Billy comes out in that BOSS jacket. Ya gotta like that jacket. If ya don't, your not cool... you deserve to be on the Not Cool List of Carlito's if ya don't like that jacket. It's all about the jacket. Oh yeah, the match... Kidman wins with the BK Bomb, and threatens to do a SSP afterwards, but he's all like "NO DICE" and he puts his jacket back on and leaves to the boos of the crowd. HOW CAN THEY BOO THAT MAN FOR WEARING THAT JACKET?! What is with society these days...

Overall: 71% Crowd: 61% Match: 82% (**1/2)

And now we go back to Teddy Long in his office... which is covered in yellow posters and propaganda for Milk Duds!

Teddy Long: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another exciting edition of WWE Velocity. I hope you are enjoying the fine programming you are watching. And while your at it, why not enjoy some Milk Duds? They are some of the finest specimens of chocolate candy since.... *to someone off-camera* when were they made?

Reece's voice: "I don't know! Keep talking!"

Teddy: "Oh, well it doesn't matter, because Milk Duds are still great! My head is even shaped like them, so they must great! Try a box of Milk Duds today! And now that I have shameless promoted Milk Duds and will probably go to hell for it, I have some announcements to make regarding our next Pay-Per-View, Spring Stampede at the end of the month.

My first of two announcements is regarding the WWE Tag Team Titles. Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero are still the champions, and their title belts will be defended at Spring Stampede. I have picked their opponents already... this team doesn't even need no introduction. They have won more tag team titles in this business, than ANY other team in the world... they are Bubba Ray and D'Von... the DUDLEY BOYZ!

And my second announcement is regarding the WWE Title itself. John Cena is the WWE champion, and his challenger at Spring Stampede will be... JBL! That is right playas, JBL has initiated the rematch clause in his contract and will fight Cena at the PPV. I will give Cena one order of business before this PPV though... He is to pick a stipulation for the match. This rematch I feel needs something extra, and I will have Cena choose what that extra is. Enjoy the show playas! HOLLA HOLLA AND BUY A MILK DUD!

Overall: 71%

And now OJ gets to squash someone...did I mean squash... I mean beat them in a physically competitve match... yeah... that'll do.

Orlando Jordan vs. Scotty 2 Hotty

Scotty goes for his bulldog set up for the W-O-R-M that is O-L-D as S-H-I-T, but Orlando nails him with a discus punch to stop that. I'm bringing him back to his boxing roots. I know Orlando can do something right... why do you think I'm pushing him?! Scotty makes the obligitory face comeback, but Orlando stops that with a DDT when Scotty telegraphs a back body drop. He then nails Scotty with the Black Ice (Bareback/Franchiser) for the 3 count. OJ raises both his gloved fists high in the air in celebration for his victory. Nice win for OJ. And you know what he has that most of ya'll don't have... THAT GREAT SET OF HAIR~!

O: 70% C: 67% M: 73% (*3/4)

And now for the greatest part of the entire show... THE MARK JINDRAK JUMP CHALLENGE~!

He gets pyro for his entrance now like Chris Masters, only people give a damn... well a couple do at least... but he GETS PYRO MOTHER *******! The pole and bar are set, and we wait to see who the challenger is this week... and Jindrak takes the mic...

Jindrak: Ladies and gentlemen, you have come to see this... it may be the most popular thing going in the WWE after one week! I have had fan mail, e-mail, and even a guy named Robert send me a pic of his wang to bring back the Jump Challenge! Thank you Robert, but I don't swing like that. But speaking of swinging like that, wait till you see our guest for tonight! But first, an announcement... I've lowered the bar a bit... two inches lower. Now it may be within reach for you! It definitely is for me, the JUMPIEST jumper in the WWE today! And now, here is the next challenger in the Mark Jindrak Jump Challenge... here is Shannon "The Giant Tool" Moore!

Shannon comes out, weird ass outfit and all, and he doesn't look happy at that nickname.

Jindrak: "How ya doin you giant tool? Damn, look at that hair and eyeliner! Did you fail at your audition for Cats? Damn son... alright, this is how it works. I'll jump and touch that bar... I'm good like that. Then we'll see if ya can do it Tooly."

Shannon: "I don't look like a tool..."

Jindrak: "Yeah ya do... I mean look at those pants! I can see my reflection in 46 different parts of them! Now watch me get to hoppin. Frogger, eat your heart out!"

Jindrak then jumps pretty freaking high... hell, his chin goes over the bar! He touches it with ease and comes back down to earth to a pretty nice ovation from the crowd.

Jindrak: "Alright Shannon Tool, it's your turn!"

Shannon gets ready to jump, and then Jindrak speaks again...

Jindrak: "Can't wait to see if a tool can jump high..."

Shannon looks over at him pissed, then gets set again...

Jindrak: "I didn't know tools could get pissed!"

Shannon glares at him with an angrier stare, and then gets ready to jump, but right before the leap, Jindrak speaks again...

Jindrak: "Did I mention you look like a freakin tool?"

SHANNON SNAPS AND ATTACKS JINDRAK! HE PEPPERS HIM WITH RIGHTS TO BOOS FROM THE CROWD! BASTARD! A referee runs down... and... HEY WE HAVE A MATCH!

O: 53%

Mark Jindrak also debuted his new gimmick (Cocky).

The Shannon Moore is a Tool Match of the Night Brought to you by the Home Depot: We sell Tools. We take no responsiblity for Shannon Moore though.

Shannon Moore vs. Mark Jindrak

Shannon goes after him with FIRE AND VIGOR... but Mark Jindrak is taller, and therefore, he gains the advantage soon. He clubs Shannon around the ring. Shannon gets the comeback by going after Jindrak's legs though! NOT THE LEGS! HE NEEDS TO JUMP ON THOSE! But don't fret... because Shannon bounces off the ropes... and gets nailed by the BIG FRIGGIN OMGLOLWTF DROPKICK from Mark Jindrak, and that's all she wrote. Mark Jindrak walks off with a victory.

O: 66% C: 56% M: 77% (**)

P.S.: Shannon Moore is still a tool.

And now that we are done burying Shannon Moore for the night... maybe... we go to the main event... with a 150 pound guy wrestling in it. No, it's not me...

Eddie Guerrero vs. Spike Dudley

Spike Dudley doesn't come out with a shirt on still... i just want to torture ya'll with that physique. Eddie comes out lowriding out in some car... God knows... I don't know cars... my friends tell me though he should get a pinto and see what he can do with that... must be some nice car...

Anyway, Eddie dominates Spike because... hell, it's Spike... Frog Splash looks to end it... and HERE COME THE DUDLEY BOYZ! THEY ARE WEARING THE TYE DYE AGAIN! YES YES YES~! 3D to Eddie! They destroy him... and Rey pops out of the trunk of the lowrider in only his underwear and mask with a woman covering herself in a blanket inside. Yes, even during sex in the trunk of a lowrider, Rey keeps his mask on. Rey doesn't do any better and gets 3Ded into oblivion. The show ends with the TYE DYE DUDLEYZ~! standing over Los Mysterio and Guerrero.

O: Shannon Moore C: Is M: A Tool (-***)

Okay... real stats....

O: 76% C: 77% M: 77% (**1/2)

Overall: 66%

Pretty solid show. I lost the info on the people at ticket sales, but we did a 4.31 which spiked during the Jump Challenge. People love Jindrak or wanna see tools get their asses kicked... one way or the other...

Senor Beejus, it's your turn.

So I sat there with my buddy Reece in the van 2 hours before the show. Obviously, there was a cloud of smoke, because Reece likes to smoke what he sells. So we were discussing the show...

Simon: "So Reece, ya think Velocity went well?"

Reece: "Yeah man. *heavy coughing* That was some wack shit you pulled off. I swear that was the Ultimate Warrior you had out there dude!"

Simon: "Naw, it was just Paul London. He's one of those cruiserweight kids that will never suceed since he's under 225 pounds."

Reece: "I say push him dude! He's got the power, the speed, the intensity! Hell, he's the Paultimate Warrior man!"

Simon: "The Paultimate Warrior... hey, I like that Reece. I should make you assistant booker man..."

Reece: "Cool... is that like... dude, a step down from being Booker T?"

Simon: "Um....no... we'll talk about that later."

Coming in two hours, the local news with a report on a sex scandal involving George W. Bush and a penguin. But first... it's SMACKDOWN ON UPN! We are not preempted this week because the local high school team is out of the tournament. So there.

WWE Smackdown

April 7, 2005

The First Smackdown Under the Simon Regime

We hit the pyro and we are joined by Michael Cole and Tazz... we keep the original pairing, because unlike JR and Jerry Lawler... they aren't annoying and are extremely witty.

And we open the show with something that has a lot to do with drugs... rap.

And out comes your WWE Spinner Belt/Heavyweight champion, John Cena. Did you know he's a rapper? Neither did I. He hasn't rapped in a promo in forever... and if you think I'm gonna try now.. your crazy. I'm from the south and I'm white. I couldn't rap if Ronald Reagan put a gun to my head and said "Start rapping".

Reece: "Dude, Reagan's dead."

Simon: "How the hell did you interrupt my recap?"

Reece: "Uh...um... dude, look, a pink elephant!"

Anyways, John Cena cuts one of his usual promos hitting his phrases including "The champ is here!" (he so totally stole that from Samoa Joe). Out walks JBL in his business attire and cowboy hat that only he can get away with, Orlando Jordan (in ring attire with the black gloves). JBL's pissed off his security guards, the Bashams have been sent to RAW for a retard and a Canadian from Kentucky. He rattles on about what a great country this is and how John Cena is trying to ruin it with his bling-bling side show. Didn't they do this same stuff before Wrestlemania? Anyways, it degenerates into a "Let's FIGHT!", and OJ and JBL run down there and beat the Vanilla Ice out of John Cena. And then on the titantron, we see this...

"Who's coming to Smackdown NOW?!

A. Gillberg

B. Giant Gonzales

C. SHELTON BENJAMIN~!"

The crowd pops for Shelton as he runs from the back with the IC title around his waist! He nails lefts and rights to JBL and OJ and knocks them out of the ring. He helps Cena up and raises his hand. Shelton Benjamin just saved Cena from a beat down. BOOYAH and stuff... so wait... Shelton brought the Intercontinental Title over to Smackdown? Interesting...

Overall: 71%

John Cena and JBL lost 2 points of overness for just being John Cena and JBL. OJ doesn't lose overness here, because... HE HAS THE HAIR~! Shelton doesn't lose it because he sleeps with a woman named Overness. True story...

And now Reece gets the moment to cream himself...

For the Cruiserweight Title

©The Paultimate Warrior vs. The debuting Psychosis

Yep. We pulled up Psychosis from the ohio valley river. We wanted Leviathan, but they said he was already pulled up years ago. I wonder what happened to him... Anyways, Psychosis enters the ring... and then Paul London's music hits and he rushes out with the title around his waist and around the ring about 4 times so he can be gassed before he even starts to wrestle. He's really getting into character. He then runs in the ring as Psychosis looks him over weird. Then Paul gets the mic...

Paultimate Warrior: "LITTLE WARRIORS, LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE BOXES!"

Some of the crowd reacts with cheers... the other ones have no clue what is going on still.

Paul: "You hear that my psychotic psycho Psychosis friend?! That is the end of your existence in this pitiful pitulance you call a sesspool!"

Psychosis, the entire audience, and even Einstein in his grave: "Hunh?!"

Paul: "For tonight, I the Paultimate Warrior, will be the harbringer of destruction upon your magaline (Is that even a word?) soul! I, the Paultimate Warrior, the cruiserweight champion of Planet Warrior, am here on behalf of my God, the Ultimate Warrior, to smite the land of cruiserweights. Oh and Michael Cole... just for the record... QUEERING DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK! But back to you my horned fiend of the devil's child's son, you will fall by the wayside as I, the Paultimate Warrior, will show you the way to peace and prosperity through the teachings of the Ultimate Warrior! So Psychosis, by the power of the Volvo in the parking lot and the redwood tree in the Antartic plains with a portal connected to the African jungles of China... YOU SHALL BE SMITE DOWN! WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVIATE!"

I have officially gone insane... anyways, Paul drops the mic and the title as Psychosis runs up to him and hits a spin kick and covers! 1... and London gets up right away and grabs the ropes... and he starts shaking them... he's no-selling and having a seizure! Psychosis tries anything! Punches, kicks, nothing affects the Paultimate Warrior! Paul nails him with a big right and gorilla presses Psychosis! There's the big splash! There's the 3 count! The Paultimate Warrior retains his title and runs off back to his Warriormobile back to the Warriorcave. And the crowd sits there wondering what they just saw... again.

Overall: 73% Crowd: 60% Match: 86% (***)

Paul London debuted his new gimmick (Crazy), it got a positive response. Paul London gained 1 point of overness for mentioning the African jungles of China.

And we go from crazy to... a Heidenreich match. Not much difference, is there?

Booker T vs. Heidenreich

Booker T carried this... you know that... but I don't. I'm pushing Heidenreich fools! HA! Anyways, I do give that young rookie Booker T some good offense, but let's face it... he can't get over. Poor guy... it's all about the german guy, Heidenreich. Heidenreich (who brought a brand new potted plant today, not a venus fly trap, but a tulip) gets in his sloppy offense that makes him the smark darling that he is. Heidenreich goes for a big boot, but Booker ducks, and the referee gets nailed right in the chest with it and goes down clutching his head. Smart ref... Booker hits the scissor kick... but there's no ref... and here comes someone... BIG BOOT TO BOOKER! HOLY CHAVE! IT'S GENE SNITSKY! Gene Snitsky drops Booker with the Pumphandle Power Slam (Tazz calls it the Coat Hanger). And the ref recovers to see Heidenreich cover Booker for the 3 count! Yes, I have put Heidenreich and Snitsky together. You may send your money to the address labeled later on. Meanwhile, Heidi and Snitsky beatdown Booker a little extra to show who's getting the push.

O: 74% C: 78% M: 67% (*1/2... Booker better pick it up.)

Heidenreich gained 1 point of overness for killng the ref to our amusement.

And how do we transition that? We don't... we go straight to a Darth Vader Burger King commercial. What a fucking sell-out George Lucas is... and we come back... hey, it's a Val Venis video!

And since I'm a lazy bastard, it's the same one shown on Velocity. If ya want to know what it's all about, read my last passage. BOOYAH! (BOOYAH is an official term of Platinum of GBW fame. All rights reserved. I'll proabably have to send conniption money now. Fuck.)

Overall: 74%

Val Venis gained 1 point of overness for having his video being played at a time when people give a damn.

We come out of that video to see 4 animals... 3 are human... 2 are female... 1 has boobs. That's right! It's Rene Dupree, Kenzo Suzuki, Hiroko, and Fifi! Look at Rene's magnificent boobs!

Rene declares they should be in the running for the tag team titles and challenge any team in the back to a match to prove that they are better. Blah, blah... unfamilair music hits... and out walks... woah, hold the phone... is that Eugene? But he's got his hair cut, he looks... normal! He's wearing a t-shirt that says "Mr. Wrestling". And someone walks out behind him... it's Rob Conway! He cuts his hair and is back in his OVW gear! He kisses his muscles and is back to the same ol cocky Rob Conway that OVW knew and loved! That's right! We have put Nick Dinsmore and Rob Conway back together... and we won't explain why Nick isn't insane anymore! And why Conway doesn't support Quebec anymore... well... we can just say the Expos moved away... that may explain Eugene too... there we go! Blame it all on the Expos! They accept the challenge and it's ON LIKE LEMONS AND LIMES!

Overall: 65%

Rob Conway debuted his new gimmick (Cocky), it got a positive response. Nick Dinsmore debuted his new gimmick (Split Personality), it got a positive response. Rob Conway's turn was completed, and he is now a face. Robert Conway gained 2 points of overness from this turn and for bashing the Expos.

And all that leads to this...

Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree w/Hiroko & Fifi vs. The Lords of the Ring (Nick Dinsmore & Rob Conway)

And right away... Dinsmore and Conway wipe the mat with Suzuki and Dupree. We finally see the skills that they have been holding back all this time. Sure, I can fuck up Smackdown all I want... but I will try to put up some good wrestling at least in the process. Dinsmore & Conway are proof. After a nice heat segment with Conway, Dinsmore gets the tag and cleans house. he ducks under a high kick from Kenzo and hits a teardrop suplex on him. Dupree lifts him up for the Dupree Driver, but Dinsmore slides behind and hits a textbook German suplex with the bridge. There's the 3, and the Lords of the Ring get their first win on Smackdown!

O: 77% C: 72% M: 83% (***)

I just had a good segment... and then we go backstage to see Snitsky & Heidenreich talking. What I am typing here is just a small sample of what they said.

Snitsky: "I like what you do with poems."

Heidenreich: "I like what you do with babies."

Snitsky: "I like what you do with potted plants."

Heidenreich: "I like what you did with Lita."

Snitsky: "I like what you do with your shoes."

Heidenreich: "I like what you do with your beard."

Snitsky: "I like what you do with your Hot Topic gift card."

Heidenreich: "I like what you do with your back acne."

This goes on for about 15 minutes. Needless to say... it's a great segment. I'm calling the team Snitskenreich by the way. Original, I know.

Overall: 66%

We go back to the ring to see palm trees, coconuts, a crate of apples, lawn chairs, just a festive atmosphere. That means it's either happy hour at the the Big Kahuna club... or it's Cabana time!

It's Cabana time as Carlito comes out, declares the random town we are in not to be cool, but welcomes us all to Carlito's Cabana. He's got a list of the 50 things he thinks are not cool, and he will start by listing off 10 random ones...

-William Shatner

-hosses named Trytan

-Leif Cassidy

-Those embarrisingly long nose hairs

-Grandfather clocks

-koala bears

-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-Good Charlotte

-The new Escalades

-The Nintendo Revolution

Now that's not call.. but Carlito's next guest is... and he's the newest member of Smackdown... it's Randy Orton! Orton comes out to the boos and the pyro that makes him look so awesome. He saunters down to the ring and has a nice chat with Carlito. He explains he hasn't told anyone... but he's been fighting multiple concussions since his incident at the Royal Rumble. He's up to 5 now, but he's doing great now. He's come to Smackdown because he knows he can beat the competition here and that lowers his risk of getting another concussion. Carlito declares concussions not to be cool and tells anyone that if they think they have a concussion, get in a car and drive to a hospital immediately. Randy thanks Carlito for the interview and walks away. Well at least Carlito ain't a legend yet... otherwise, the RKO would have utterly destroyed him...

Overall: 74%

And now watch me make sure Kurt Angle is healthy for the future...

Kurt Angle vs. Nunzio

Nunzio stands in the ring after commercial and waits for Kurt to come out. Kurt enters the ring and Nunzio goes to kick him. Angle grabs the foot and turns him into the ankle lock! Nunzio taps out 6 seconds into the match! Kurt Angle relases the hold and walks to the back! Damn, that was such an awesome ankle lock! It was just a maginficently placed hold that made Nunzio scream and tap like crazy. You have no clue how good it is! Why am I saying all this.... well there had to be a reason Dames gave this this ****1/2...

O: 88% C: 78% M: 99% (****1/2)

We go backstage to see... hey, there's me on screen talking to Teddy Long! Yes, I put myself on TV. I'm such a magnifcent bastard. And here comes RVD... with a heavy brace on his leg and needing crutches to even approach me and Teddy.

He explains that someone put him in a match tonight. How can he wrestle? He still hasn't recovered from his injury! Me and Teddy look at each other like we don't know what RVD is talking about... and Reece walks into the picture? Reece then says RVD is his favorite wrestle for an obvious reason, and he wanted to see him in action! RVD stammers and stutters as Reece says the stuff he takes is supposed to mellow him out and null the pain. RVD says he can't do that right now since he has medication for his injured leg. Well, Reece can't even do good selling around here then can he?! Fine... his match against Shannon Moore is scrapped... next on Smackdown... he'll fight.... JBL. On snap... Did Reece just turn heel on me? Wait, he ain't even a real character on my EWR! He's just a fictional person in my mind! Take those last 3 sentences out of context, and it could make a normal person lose their mind.

Overall: 73%

Rob Van Dam lost 2 points for not smoking pot as of late, and Teddy gained 3 for being seen with my beautiful face.

And now Reece gets his revenge for people not smoking pot... he pits them against a stock market guru! OH THE HUMANITY!

Rob Van Dam vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

RVD can barely walk let alone wrestle. The ref makes him put down the crutches and he has to hobble and hop around the ring to fight JBL. Hey if Gowen can wrestle on one leg, I can't see why RVD can't... oh wait... the other leg is hurt... and JBL goes right after it. He destroys with some pretty damn stiff shots that have RVD screaming "I THINK THE ACL TORE AGAIN!" Baby... In the end, JBL hits his vicious power bomb and then hits the Clothesline from CNN for the 1,2,3. I love JBL squashes, don't you? We need to send the crowd home happy... so we have John Cena do a run-in and hit a fireman's carry that knocks JBL out... but it ain't just any fireman's carry... it's the FU! MY GOD! THE FU HAS DESTROYED JBL! TUNE IN TO VELOCITY AND NEXT WEEK ON SMACKDOWN FOR MORE INSANITY! MY GOD, THE FU IS A DESTROYER OF MANKIND!O: 82% C: 83% M: 81% (***)

Overall: 73%... you know for my first Smackdown... I'll take that. We need Booker T to step up though. Heidenreich just totally ran circles around him.

We got a 5.79 rating for 'Smackdown!'!

The attendance level was 7532 people.

We made $301280 from ticket sales.

Afterwards, RVD came up to me in the back... crawling... apparently, he was hurting bad. Wimp... and he said this, and I quote: "Dude, like you need to totally tell John Bradshaw Layfield to chill on the whole working stiff thing." My jaw dropped. He continued on and on about how JBL beat the crap out of him and stuff and after all that I said... "I don't believe it... he worked stiff? That's Rene Dupree's gimmick! He's supposed to have the big wang around here! Where's JBL, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!"

I later found out he left... oh well... as long as he doesn't steal Rene's gimmick again, we'll be good.

Ok, we'll let all that sink in for now. We will come back tomorrow or another day to post the rest of what we have and start with brand new shows soon. Hope you enjoy it. We're doing this to entertain our peeps and ourselves. We aren't looking to make the GREATEST. DIARY. EVER. But if you think our diary is good, we'd like to hear from ya. Feedback is always appreciated.

WWE Velocity

April 2, 2005

The First Show Under the Simon Regime... God Help Us All

Commentators for this evening are Michael Cole and Al Snow.

This Is the First Match? It's Not Looking Too Promising Right Now

Rene Dupree & Kenzo Suzuki w/Hiroko & Fifi vs. Shannon Moore & Scotty 2 Hotty

Kenzo and Rene just absolutely destroy the two babyface job... er... cruiserweights. Yeah, that should work... Kenzo claw hold slams Scotty and Rene Dupree Drivers that giant tool Shannon Moore into the mat for a three count in a ok match for Kenzo & Rene standards. Rene then does the one thing that gets him over... THE ****** DANCE! Then Kenzo starts doing the funky chicken. Rene sees this and just shakes his head.

Overall: 67% Crowd: 62% Match: 73% (*3/4 under Dames review)

It's Germany vs. Japan. Hey, weren't they friends in World War II?

Heidenreich vs. Funaki

Have you figured out what Velocity is to be about during the Simon Regime? SQUASHES. Lots and lots of squashes. I am such a brilliant booker. Anyways, Funaki ain't getting no push right now, so he's screwed. Heidenreich comes out with his new friend, a potted plant he found at a store than said it was talking to him. Well it was a venus fly trap and it was eating a fly... but Heidenreich think it spoke to him. Oh those wacky germans.... Heidenreich sloppy beats down Funaki and pins him after a vicious shoulder breaker that didn't actually break Funaki's shoulder. Heidenreich hugs his new friend... which takes a nice bite out of his shoulder.

O: 65% C: 64% M: 67% (*)

And it's 1998 all over again...

...as we see Val Venis lounging in a bed with two apparently naked women underneath the sheets. He has declared his career will rise again... just like he does every single night for the ladies. And look for his videos soon on Beta and VHS. Wait... do they even make Beta anymore? Ok, DVD... The peeps in the crowd liked the video apparently. Nostalgia and naked woman kick ass.

O: 80%

And here comes the least deserving U.S. champion in history... which means I am SO pushing him...

For the United States Title

Orlando Jordan © vs. Al Snow

Michael Cole goes solo on commentary as Al Snow enters the ring to take on OJ and his magnificent head of hair. Note: OJ's new attire is long tights and he is wearing black gloves now. Al Snow totally dominates OJ and looks to take him out with the Snow Plow. OJ floats over though and rolls up Al Snow with a pull of the tights for the uno, dos, tres. That was his ONLY offensive move of the entire match. What a champion. He runs away holding his title high.

O: 65% C: 66% M: 66% (*)

And we come back from commercial to see Al Snow complaning about the tight pull... but in the ring... we see a set up with a big pole with some bars hanging out high up on the pole. There are decorations all around the ring... and here comes... Mark Jindrak?

Jindrak comes out in street clothes and welcomes everyone to his very own segment on Velocity! Yes, I am giving Mark Jindrak a push... but what gimmick did I give him you ask? Well, this was our backstage discussion earlier today...

Simon: So Mr. Jindrak... tell me about your skills.

Jindrak: Well Mr. Simon, I'm pretty technically gifted. I've been told I have the best left hook in the business... I am a very proficent high-flier. I can jump pretty damn high. I can also-

Simon: THAT'S IT!

Jindrak: What's it?

Simon: That's your new gimmick!

Jindrak: What, that I can jump high?

Simon: Yeah, we'll give you your own show and everything! The Mark Jindrak Jump Challenge!

Jindrak: Um... Simon, what are you smoking?

Simon: Nothing... but my boy Reece has some high quality weed and acid in the van out in the lot if ya want some.

So Mark Jindrak explains he's here for the Mark Jindrak Jump Challenge. What a great name, I know. He calls out anyone who thinks they can jump higher than him.. and out walks Luther Reigns. Yeah right... Mark Jindrak touches a really freaking high bar on his jump. He then tells Luther to touch it. He misses it by 2 feet. Jindrak declares he didn't even put too much effort into that jump. Luther goes to attack him, but Mark nails him when he jumps really high in the air and hits the BIG FRIGGIN DROPKICK knocking Luther out cold. Yes, I made his finisher a dropkick. I am magnificent. And the first Mark Jindrak Jump Challenge ends with Jindrak standing tall and jumping high. And did I mention he has a great head of hair too?

O: 66%

And now watch me **** up the best part of watching Velocity...

For the Cruiserweight Title

Paul London © vs. Chavo Guerrero

Chavo comes out normal... alright... and hear comes Paul London... to the Ultimate Warrior music! He runs out with face paint, those little things on his arm, and a million tassles all over the place! He runs around the ring about 3 times then runs in as Chavo rushes out of the ring screaming "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Paul then grabs a mike and explains that he is here on behalf of his God, the Ultimate Warrior and all the little warriors from the planet warrior to obliterate and not discriminate all the little non-warrior weaklings in existence. Hunh? He then says by the power of the white squirrel on the full moon the tetherball poll in the playground, he will smite the non-warrior that is Chavo Guerrero. WARRIOR POWERS ACTIVATE!

Paul London then attacks Chavo, gorilla presses him and splashes him for a 3 count in 22 seconds. He grabs his cruiserweight title and runs away as the crowd just sits there wondering what the hell just happened in front of them.

O: 70% C: 64% M: 77% (**)

Paul London gained 3 points of overness. Chavo lost 1. Gee, I wonder why...

Overall: 66%. Oh we can do so much better than that... and we will! Tune in for Smackdown this Thursday to see more of the Simon regime!

We got a 4.05 for that menagerie of insanity and 7541 packed some place in the Midwest that I've never heard of. Probably Iowa or something...

Well kids, here we go... here's the roster for SMACKDOWN!!!!! Looks much better with lots of exclamation points, doesn't it?

Wrestling Dudes

Akio

Al Snow

"Mr. Torrie Wilson" Billy Kidman

Booker T

Bubba Ray Dudley

Carlito Caribbean Cool

Chavo Guerrero

D'Von Dudley

"Latino Heat" Eddie Guerrero

Eugene Dinsmore *

"Smackdown Numba One Announcah" Funaki

"Your Lord and Savior" Gene Snitsky *

"Wrestling God" JBL

John Cena

Heidenreich

"Bronze Warrior" Kenzo Suzuki

"Olympic Hero" Kurt Angle

"He Can't Jump Really High" Luther Reigns

"He Can Jump Really High" Mark Jindrak

Nunzio

Orlando Jordan

Paul London

Psychosis

"The Legend Killer" Randy Orton *

"The French Phenom" Rene Dupree

Rey Mysterio

"Mr. Thursday Night" Rob Van Dam

Robert Conway *

Scotty 2 Hotty

"I Am a Giant Tool" Shannon Moore

Shelton Benjamin *

"Da Boss" Spike Dudley

The Undertaker

"The New Ron Jeremy" Val Venis *

Chicks

Hiroko

Miss Jackie

"Screechin" Stephanie McMahon

Torrie Wilson

The Peeps Who Don't Wrestle and Manage

"The Racketeer" Jim Cornette

Theodore Long

I'm on Your TV When You Watch...

WWE Velocity

WWE Smackdown!

*Traded to Smackdown

Alright gang, my first show is coming up here. It was my first show, so I'm feeling myself out here with the style and way I present.

The Learning Channel..... good luck with the stuck-up bastards from hell.

I'll say Paint Hardy and Paul London. Oh yeah, I loved the ending. Reminded me of the many ending the movie Clue had.

This diary is true greatness.

BOW TO GANGSTA GREG PUNY MORTALS!

Be very, very quiet... I'm hunting Bischoffs!

*evil Elmer laugh*

I just read this whole thing. I am impressed to say the very least. Do you have a link to the first one?

And my favorite?...... LET'S GO NUNZIO~!