The Third Dukes

Put me in, Zan... I'm ready to play, today...

I just wish to acknowledge Oldskool for bringing the funny.

The first 25 of you to sign up were admitted and have been given roles. If you are on this list and did not receive your role, then reply because it means I gave it to someone else by mistake.

9 to 5

Ace

Be

CKN

C-MIL

DMN

EvilGuy

GoGo

Hajj

Hugar

Inquisition

JHS

Judge

Kaibatsu

MPH

Mr LCS

Mysterio

Oldskool

Raistlin

SeanD

SRRules

SSTB

Thug

Titocool

Zaz

25 spots = endless fun. I know some people said now wasn't the time, but after asking around, I figured that I might as well squeak it in before Zan's. Reading the diary is not necessary. Sign up here.

So, does the Miami-FIU stuff deserve its own thread? I mean, as I told Biggz, you can't spell "Thuggies" without "T H E U".

I think "Come Out And Play" might be a bit off for Raven's character. I would have chosen "The Kids Aren't All Right" if you were hell bent on using The Offspring - it fits his backstory a bit better.

Still, that's a nitpick.

Mark Magnus - wonderful, wonderful intro. Honestly, I want somebody to start a WWE diary that starts the week after the London bombings, where UPN let Hassan appear on one more SmackDown episode, and if it was done well enough, they'd let him continue. Still, this is a good alternative.

And the Rumble itself. The stories tell themselves in these events, and this is no exception. So enjoy.

*****

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the ROYAL RUMBLE! Allow me to explain the rules. Two competitors will start the match shortly. Two minutes after the opening bell, and every two minutes thereafter, another competitor will enter the match until all thirty men have entered. A man is eliminated if and ONLY if he goes over the top rope and both his feet hit the floor. The last participant remaining in the contest shall be declared the winner and will receive a guaranteed World or WWE Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania!"

The crowd cheers as they await the first two participants.

"Introducing first, in slot #1, from West Newbury, MA, weighing 240 pounds, John Cena!"

"Word Life!" hits the PA and the crowd gives a rousing cheer for the bad boy rapper as he enters. He steps into the ring, as always, with mic in hand.

"Yo, yo, cut it, man, cut it.

Tonight’s the Royal Rumble, it’s my turn in the sun.

So what if I come out having drawn #1?

I got 29 punks who think that they can outlast me,

But for them to win the Rumble, they’ll have to get past me.

I got my problems with some boys, but they can’t make ’em stick.

When I get into the ring, my whole routine just clicks.

I’ve got a shot at the title, a chance to live the dream,

And just like all the Philly wrestling fans, I’ll take it to the extreme.

What’s an hour of hard work, when the title’s your reward?

It’s not like a few broken bones ain’t somethin’ I can afford.

Nobody got it like I do, and that’s just a fact.

I’m authentic, I’m the real deal, unlike that Rob Black.

I’m gonna win it, and as Kurt would say, it’s true, it’s true,

And if you don’t think I can, lemme give you an F-U.

I’m gonna go the distance, cuz my game is sick,

And if you get in my way, I’ll make you suck my--"

The crowd finishes.

"And in slot #2, from Cambridge, MA, weighing 270 pounds, Christopher Nowinski!"

Harvard’s fight song plays as Nowinski walks casually to the ring. The announcers explain that all managers are banned from ringside in this event, and there are two referees on each side of the ring to make sure every elimination is caught. Nowinski steps through the ropes, loosens up, and waits.

DING DING!

Cena and Nowinski lock up. Nowinski pounds on Cena in the corner, but Cena reverses and chops away. Corner-to-corner they go, as Cena blasts Nowinski with a clothesline. Nowinski trips Cena up to slow him down, but an attempt at a Double Arm DDT fails. Cena then gets a shot with his knee in and staggers Nowinski. Both men charge at each other, but Cena ducks and kicks Nowinski. Nowinski goes up and gets F-Ued. Cena then sends Nowinski packing at 1:34, giving him almost 30 seconds of playing to the crowd alone in the ring.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Rhyno at #3! Rhyno charges the ring and gets into a brawl with Cena. The two men slug it out with reckless abandon as the crowd chants ECW for Rhyno. Cena sends Rhyno through the ropes and continues the pounding on the outside. Rhyno reverses a whip, sending Cena into the steps. Cena gets tossed back into the ring as Rhyno goes hunting for a weapon. He returns with an old-fashioned steel chair, only to be met with a chainassisted punch from Cena. Cena mounts Rhyno and tries for more punches, but Rhyno kicks him low to stop that. Rhyno hits a spinebuster on the chair, then attempts to throw Cena, but no dice.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Billy Gunn at #4! Billy charges the ring and pounds on Rhyno, making him drop Cena back in the ring. Gunn then punches away at Rhyno, but Cena gets a waistlock, allowing Rhyno to punch away at Gunn. Cena then whips Gunn into the ropes, but Rhyno intercepts Cena before he can follow and tries for a suplex. Gunn then bodypresses Rhyno, folding Cena on top of him and sending all three crashing to the mat. Gunn picks Rhyno up and gives him a military press, then tosses Rhyno onto Cena. Gunn goes to pick Cena up, but Cena whips him into a Gore from Rhyno. Rhyno and Cena then slug it out as Gunn recovers.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Rey Misterio at #5! Rey charges the ring rather than vault in and starts by climbing the top rope and diving onto all three men. Rey then punches away at Gunn while Cena bodyslams Rhyno. Cena goes to whip Rhyno into the turnbuckle, but Rhyno reverses, then follows up with a clothesline to cause Cena to flop to a seated position, where Rey gets a broncobuster. Gunn gets a Fameasser on Rhyno and tries to throw him out, but Rhyno fights it off. Rey charges Cena, who tosses him in the air. Rey uses the top rope to catch himself, then returns with a springboard rana. Cena clotheslines Rey as Rhyno rakes Gunn’s eyes.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Goldust at #6! Goldust grabs Rhyno and slams him down. Rey and Cena double clothesline Gunn, then Rey backflips with Cena’s help to land on Gunn. Rhyno is set up in the corner, and Goldust charges and delivers Shattered Dreams. As Rhyno slumps down, Cena grabs Goldust and gets the Throwback on him. Rey hits Gunn with a spinning armdrag, while Rhyno gores Goldust. Cena powerbombs Rey, and Rhyno dispenses of Goldust at 9:23. Gunn grabs Rhyno from behind and hits the One and Only. Cena decides to try for an F-U on Rey, but Rey slips out and monkey flips Cena. Rhyno again blocks Gunn’s toss.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Brock Lesnar at #7! Rhyno charges Lesnar, but Brock sidesteps and Rhyno slams into the steel post. Gunn gets his clothesline no-sold, then is turned inside out by a return shot from Brock. Cena DDTs Rey, then goes toe-to-toe with Brock for a while. Rhyno gets a powerslam on Gunn. Rey charges Brock, who ducks down and flips Rey out of the ring at 11:01. Brock then grabs Cena for the F-5, but Rhyno clips him from behind. Cena falls on top, but gets hit with the Fameasser by Gunn as he gets back to his feet. Gunn suplexes Cena, while Rhyno and Brock slug it out. Cena has Gunn poised for elimination, but nothing doing.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Rob Van Dam at #8! RVD charges the ring and starts kicking away at Brock, who pounds right back as those two tussle. Rhyno and Gunn hit a Doomsday Device on Cena. Rhyno tries a gore on Cena, but Cena sidesteps and Brock gets it instead. RVD then hits a stepover enzuigiri on Gunn, while Cena and Rhyno double-suplex Brock, then turn on each other. RVD pounds away on Brock, but his superkick attempt is caught. Brock gets RVD in an overhead suplex, and Gunn hits a legdrop as RVD lands. Cena and Rhyno have rolled outside and are pounding away there, but return to the ring upon hearing the countdown.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Michael Shane at #9! Shane finds RVD and tries to superkick him, but that leads to RVD getting him with the stepover enzuigiri. Brock is beating Gunn into a pulp, while Cena climbs the ropes with Rhyno. After teasing elimination, he gets the Remix. As Rhyno lands, Michael Shane hits a standing elbowdrop on him. Gunn grabs Cena and tries for a piledriver, but Cena grabs the legs and goes for a Boston Crab. Brock clotheslines Cena to break it. Shane and RVD get a double-team dropkick on Rhyno as Gunn receives an F-5 from Brock. Cena crashes the chair into Brock’s skull, then gets Van Daminated as Shane stomps Gunn.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Paul London at #10! London charges Michael Shane and the two begin flying left and right. Meanwhile, RVD grabs Gunn and whips him into the ropes, then clotheslines Billy out at 16:33. Brock spears down Rhyno in a twist of fortune, while RVD and London double suplex Shane. Cena tries a suplex on Brock, but Brock blocks it. RVD tries to backdrop Shane, but Shane gets a DDT, then is hit with a flying forearm by London as he nips up. Cena tries to eliminate RVD, but that goes nowhere. Shane and London work off a wristlock through an entire cruiserweight sequence, while Brock gets a triple powerbomb on Rhyno.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Charlie Haas at #11! Haas slams Shane into London, then kneedrops them both. Rhyno is nearly tossed by Brock, but slides back in. London and Haas duke it out as Brock and RVD trade punches in the corner. Rhyno gets a shoulder thrust on Shane in another turnbuckle, then superplexes him. London stops an elimination attempt by RVD by hitting a sliding punch. Shane crawls on Rhyno’s back, but Brock suplexes him off. Rhyno goes to Gore RVD, but Cena yanks him by the hair to stop him, then tosses Rhyno out of the match at 19:44. Shane and London attempt to take out Brock, while Haas tangles with RVD.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Eddie Guerrero at #12! Eddie enters a house of fire, slugging down anything that moves. Shane goes down, London goes down, RVD goes down, and Brock goes down. Haas charges but is caught, and Eddie throws Charlie out at 20:34. Shane and RVD tangle in the corner, while Brock presses London over his head. Eddie spears Brock, then pops back up and grabs London by the hair. London is disposed of at 21:07. RVD begins punching Eddie from behind, while Shane sticks and moves on Brock. Shane and RVD try to double-team Brock, but he suplexes both by himself. Eddie dropkicks Brock into a Shane suplex.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Booker T at #13! Booker charges the ring and attacks Shane in the corner. Eddie and RVD trade blows, while Brock enjoys a breather. Brock then charges RVD and begins tossing him around, allowing Eddie to sit on the top turnbuckle and ponder. Booker doubles Shane over and hits the axe kick, then notices no one sees him. He delivers a Spinarooni, but that goes straight into an Eddie clothesline. Brock is unable to toss RVD, so he pounds on Booker instead. RVD flapjacks Shane, then kicks away at Eddie. RVD and Shane try to toss Brock, but to no avail. Booker and Eddie trade chops in the corner.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Road Dogg at #14! Road Dogg starts punching away at RVD, staggering him long enough to get funky. Booker spinebusters Shane as Eddie and Brock go at it. Everyone gathers in an attempt to toss Brock, but he shoves them all off. Road Dogg gets a DDT on Shane, then tries a pumphandle on Eddie, only to have Eddie reverse to a bodypress. Brock tosses Shane around for a while, then gets bored and beats on Booker. RVD nails Road Dogg with a chairshot, but Shane grabs the chair and tosses it outside. Eddie sneaks up on Booker and gets the rolling vertical suplexes. Brock F-5s Road Dogg for the hell of it.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Shelton Benjamin at #15! He goes after Cena (remember him?) while Road Dogg and Shane slug it out in the corner. Road Dogg rolls to the outside, but when Shane follows, Road Dogg blows "smoke" (gray mist) into his face. Back in the ring, RVD attacks Road Dogg while Shane staggers straight into an F-U. Booker and Eddie trade punches, and Eddie goes for the Gory Special, only to have Booker slip out of it and get a hangman’s neckbreaker. Cena spears down Brock while Road Dogg hits a shaky-legs kneedrop on Shane. Eddie sneaks to the top rope and scores a flying elbowsmash on Brock, who falls on top of Booker.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Undertaker at #16! He rides in on his Harley as the action stops in the ring. Everyone attacks Taker, but he starts shrugging people off. Road Dogg is gone at 28:24. John Cena follows at 28:33. Taker took them both out, then gets a Dragon Sleeper on Shane. Shelton hits him from behind, but Taker merely turns around and throws Shelton out as well at 29:17. Brock charges Taker, and the two giants slug it out. Eddie and Booker hit each other with a double clothesline. Shane comes out of hiding and dropkicks RVD in the back of the head. Brock tries to dump Taker, but Taker hangs on.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Nova at #17! Nova dropkicks RVD as an ECW chant starts. Booker fights with Taker on the turnbuckle, but as Booker goes for ten punches, Taker disposes of Booker at 30:27. Shane hits Brock with a rana, while Nova gets hit with the stepover enzuigiri by RVD. He staggers straight into a goozle by the Undertaker, who chokeslams him. Booker T is just getting up on the outside, so Undertaker powerbombs Nova over the top at 31:15. Thankfully, Booker catches him. Undertaker charges Eddie and beats him down to the ground, then sets up the Last Ride. However, Eddie ranas Taker right out of the ring at 31:48!

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Bubba Ray Dudley at #18! Bubba enters the ring and begins elbowing RVD, hitting the old Flip Flop and Fly on him. Shane and Eddie take turns having their shots no-sold by Brock. RVD and Eddie get a drop toehold on Shane, then hit stereo Rolling Thunder / slingshot senton drops on him. Brock pounds on Bubba in the corner, but his elimination attempt is thwarted. Shane rolls outside to take a breather, while RVD and Eddie tumble around on the mat in what would normally result in a pinfall reversal sequence. The referees tell Shane to return to the ring, where he’s met by a big elbow from Bubba and an overhead suplex from Brock.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Batista at #19! Batista charges and helps Shane take down Brock for a while. Eddie and RVD attempt to eliminate each other, and both take turns going over the top and back in. Bubba gets F-5ed by Brock, so RVD and Eddie climb side by side corners and hit Frog Splashes on him. Evolution pounds away at Bubba on the ground, as Batista hits RVD with a spinebuster. Eddie gets the El Paso Lasso on Shane, but Bubba breaks in order to Bubba Bomb Eddie. Batista and Brock square off as Eddie rolls outside and removes the lead pipe from the Undertaker’s bike. He brings it in and hits people at random with it as RVD kicks Batista down.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Randy Orton at #20! All three members of Evolution instantly gang up on Brock. RVD and Bubba battle in the corner, while Eddie takes a rest in the corner. Shane superkicks Brock, who staggers right into a sit-out powerbomb from Batista. Batista picks Brock up, and Orton adds the RKO. All three Evolution members drag him over, and Orton does the honors, sending Brock packing at 37:14. Bubba picks off Shane, while Eddie tangles with Orton and RVD fights Batista. Evolution gets hit with a triple clothesline by the faces, but Orton bounces back up and gets the Play of the Day on Bubba. RVD spinkicks Shane down.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Hurricane at #21! Hurricane springboards into the action, bowling over Bubba, Batista, and Orton all at once. RVD and Eddie battle in the corner, where Eddie gets a Tornado DDT. Shane and Hurricane have a cruiserweight sequence, while Bubba tries to keep Batista and Orton at bay at once. It fails miserably, as irony strikes and the tag champs give Bubba a version of 3-D. Eddie German suplexes Hurricane from behind, as Shane and Orton have a miscommunication and nearly come to blows. Batista calms things down, and Evolution takes its frustrations out on RVD and Bubba. Hurricane lands a Shining Wizard to Eddie’s face.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Ron Killings at #22! Killings slides into the ring and pairs off with Eddie, as Shane fights Hurricane, Batista fights Bubba, and Orton fights RVD. All four men are in separate corners, and Bubba/RVD/Hurricane whip Evolution into each other all at once. Eddie sends Killings flying into the group to knock them all down. Hurricane poses, so RVD dumps Hurricane from behind at 41:11. Hurricane stares at him, but RVD shrugs as Killings attacks from behind. Killings lands a clothesline on RVD, then breakdances straight into a lariat from Batista. Eddie gets a Diamond Dust on Orton in the corner, and RVD crossbodies Shane.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Shawn Michaels at #23! Superkicks abound, as all seven men receive them. First RVD, then Eddie, then Batista, then Shane, then Orton, then Bubba, then Killings, who flies out upon getting his at 42:33. HBK poses in the ring for a while, then seeks out his nephew, but Evolution attacks in a group. Bubba and RVD slowly recover and punch each other. Eddie nips back up, then suplexes HBK, Shane, and Orton in a row before Batista clotheslines him down. RVD gives Bubba a monkey flip, then punches away. Orton rests on the outside for a few seconds, then returns to DDT HBK. Shane and Eddie fly all over the place.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s D-Von Dudley at #24! Bubba takes advantage by slamming Orton, and D-Von enters via giving him the Wazzup Headbutt. HBK does a rana on Eddie, who returns the favor. RVD flapjacks Batista, while the Dudley Boyz hit 3-D on RVD. Van Dam is dead weight, so both Dudleyz combine and eject RVD at 44:58. Eddie and D-Von battle in the corner, while HBK and Bubba go at it. HBK and Eddie whip the Dudleyz together, but D-Von slams on the breaks and grabs HBK for a 3-D. Meanwhile, Evolution sit and watch. Eddie ranas Bubba into the El Paso Lasso, but D-Von breaks it up. Evolution hear the countdown and face the ramp.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Triple H at #25! He storms to the ring as Evolution prepare to meet him head-on. HHH is a man possessed though, as he sends Michael Shane packing at 46:17. Both tag champs get facebusters, then Batista is tossed out at 46:44. Orton tries his luck, but Eddie cuts off the RKO. HHH hits the Pedigree and tosses Orton out at 47:09. With the slaughter of Evolution complete, HHH turns his attention to HBK, as the two beat each other down in the corner. Eddie tries to fend off both Dudleyz at once. This goes poorly for him, as they give him the Wazzup Drop. D-Von performs Last Rites, and Bubba tells him to get the tables, but the referees stop that from happening as D-Von is shoved back in.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Konnan at #26! Konnan and Eddie team up against the Dudleyz, and hit stereo clotheslines to knock them down. HHH sends a kneelift to Konnan to stop La Raza’s momentum, but Eddie pounds away at HHH. HBK is up and pounding on D-Von, while Bubba finds Konnan and Bubba Bombs him. Konnan blocks a second try with a mule kick, then hits a rolling clothesline and slaps on the Tequila Sunrise. HBK and HHH kick away in the corner, while D-Von attacks Eddie with an inverted DDT. Konnan release the Tequila Sunrise and tries to toss Bubba, but he’s 300 pounds of dead weight. D-Von makes the save and brawls with Konnan.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Molly Holly at #27! She slowly slides into the ring and tries to look for an opening, clearly uncertain where to begin. Eddie and HBK double-team HHH, while the Dudleyz try to toss Konnan. Molly climbs to the top rope and hits Eddie with a rana, then clips HHH from behind. Eddie and HHH chase Molly, but HHH runs straight into 3-D from Konnan and Bubba. Konnan hits Eddie with a Stunner for good measure, but can’t get him out. HBK spots Molly and wrestles her to the ground, then works the arm. Bubba Ray gets Flip Flop and Fly on HHH, while D-Von and Konnan brawl in the corner. Molly wiggles out of HBK’s armbar.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Rodney Mack at #28! Mack hits the ring and stares down Molly, which leaves him open to a suplex from Konnan. HBK slams down HHH, then drops an elbow. Everyone pairs off: Eddie with Bubba, D-Von with Konnan, HBK with Molly, and Mack with HHH. Eddie and Konnan whip the Dudleyz into each other, but D-Von leapfrogs Bubba and clotheslines Eddie. HHH tries to thrust kick Molly, but she ducks and HBK gets it. Molly then climbs and gets the Molly-Go-Round on Mack. The Dudleyz charge HBK and Eddie, but both men backdrop them. Bubba's out at 53:42. D-Von follows him at 53:44. Molly hides from HHH.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Nathan Jones at #29! Making his WWE return, Jones charges the ring and pounds on anything that moves. HBK tries to attack from behind, but Jones just piefaces him down. Konnan makes the next attempt, but Jones grabs Konnan by the pants and throws him around. Jones then ends Konnan's night at 54:48. Molly cowers in fear in the corner, so Mack takes advantage by hitting her with the Blackout. Jones rips Mack off of Molly and javelins him to the floor and out at 55:22. HHH clips Jones, but that barely slows him down. A superkick, though, finally ends his momentum. Molly tries to hit Eddie with a dropkick.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Billy Kidman at #30! We reach the match beyond with Eddie, HBK, HHH, Molly, Jones, and Kidman. Kidman gets between Molly and Jones, so Jones throws him aside. Molly tries to forearm Jones, but Jones just smiles. HBK and Eddie bounce off of HHH repeatedly, while Molly crawls out of the ring. Jones follows her and throws her back in, then follows. Kidman grabs Jones from behind for a DDT, but Jones simply tosses Kidman over his head. HBK saves Molly from certain doom by whipping her into the turnbuckle. He then tries to rana Jones, but Jones simply swings HBK aside onto his back. Jones sees Molly pulling herself up in the ropes and charges, but Molly ducks and pulls the top rope down, allowing her to send Jones tumbling over the top and inexplicably out at 58:14. The fun is short-lived, though, as HHH tosses Molly at 58:19. Molly runs to the back, being chased by Jones, as Eddie, HBK, HHH, and Kidman are your Final Four.

HHH and Kidman pair off, as do HBK and Eddie. HHH uses a gutwrench suplex on Kidman, while HBK and Eddie trade chops. Kidman shoves HHH aside and leaps up for a rana, but HHH catches him and tries a powerbomb, which goes as well as you’d expect for him. Kidman charges HBK, but HBK is ready and drop toeholds Kidman into Eddie, sending them both tumbling. HHH tries a Pedigree on HBK, but HBK backdrops him out of it onto the apron. HHH returns back in and smashes HBK’s head into the turnbuckle. Eddie hits a brainbuster on Kidman, but the slingshot senton misses. Kidman gets a rana and a headscissors on Eddie. HHH tries to toss Eddie, who goes over and back in. HBK and Kidman pair off, as Kidman gets a clothesline on HBK. HBK responds with a flapjack, but his bodyslam is slid out of by Kidman into the Unprettier. Kidman drags HBK over to the corner and climbs the turnbuckle, but Eddie sees this and charges. Eddie manages to shove Kidman off and out at 62:04, getting Kidman fourth place.

Eddie stares at Kidman, who is slow to get up, so HHH tries to toss him. Eddie blocks it with a mule kick and a low blow. HBK and HHH square off as HBK gets a flying forearm on HHH. Eddie gets a camel clutch on HHH, so HBK dropkicks first HHH, then Eddie. Eddie charges HBK, knocking him over with a shoulderblock and adding a kneedrop. HHH gives Eddie a kneelift, then poses over HBK -- a mistake, since HBK then trips HHH and applies an STF. Eddie stomps away at HHH’s head, then forces HBK to break. Eddie and HBK try to toss HHH, but he gets backfists on both men. Both men get facecrushers, but as HHH tries to charge Eddie, Eddie gets a calf kick, showing he was faking. Eddie pounds HHH into the ropes, then whips him across and scores a running DDT. HBK tunes up the band as Eddie celebrates, but Eddie hears it and ducks out of the way. Unfortunately, HBK anticipates this and pulls up, but Eddie spins him around and goes for a DDT, landing it. HHH grabs Eddie from behind and delivers a full nelson slam, but HBK nails HHH with a superkick. HBK then charges Eddie in the corner, but Eddie catches him and HBK takes the Holy Shit bump to the floor and out at 65:45, forcing him to settle for third.

Eddie slumps in the corner as HHH approaches and kicks him down. HHH tries for a slam, but Eddie armdrags out of it. Eddie tries a rana, but HHH shoves him off. Eddie lands hard on his head as HHH walks over and picks him up. Eddie low blows HHH, then whips him into the corner and does the 10 punch count along, followed by a monkey flip. Eddie signals for the Frog Splash, but HHH cuts him off with a kneesmash. HHH tries for the Pedigree, but Eddie backdrops over the top, but only onto the apron. HHH then grabs Eddie and yanks him out of the ring at 67:38!!

"Here is the winner of the 2004 Royal Rumble, Triple H!"

Eddie lies prone on the outside with nothing to show for his second place finish. Even though he lasted the longest at over 47 minutes and he eliminated more people than anyone else with six, he has only his pride. It is HHH who has defied the odds and won the Royal Rumble. HHH’s date with Kane is set for WrestleMania as we roll the credits and end the show.

Are you ready?

Think you can tell me how to book?

Think you can tell me who to push?

You think that you're better?

Well you better get ready...

...to bow to the HoFer...

...BREAK IT DOWN!

That sounded soooooooooo much better in my head. Sorry.

So in this post, we have the non-Rumble portion of the Rumble, assuming it all fits. Chavo was a placeholder, so the result of that match is basically a given. Hence, it's the opener. Ditto Noble/Gowen, which wasn't going to change anything. In fact, there were 6 title matches and 1 title change. That'll never happen in the WWE proper. Just saying.

The double turn and the intro of HBK's opponent were both highlights in my mind. I could see that as being some of the best TV in real life. Orton's tease is priceless, and a hint of Legend Killer that I later developed even more in the '04-'05 season.

Kane debuts a new finisher. Cringe.

Other than that, just a lot of matches -- so sit back and enjoy.

*****

Chapter 79

The Royal Rumble

We get the series of clips highlighting the matches for tonight. We see Evolution take out HHH. We see John Cena and Rhyno in a pull-apart. We get Kurt Angle clinging to his title as Hulk Hogan looks on, confused. We see Chris Benoit making Kane tap and Kane tossing Chris into the fire. Another shot shows Mattitude retreating to the back, then Zach Gowen surprising Jamie Noble, and finally a series of punches thrown by various wrestlers, ending in a shot of the RAW ring as half the roster enters it.

AND NOW, World Wrestling Entertainment presents the 2004...

ROYAL RUMBLE

Puddle of Mudd’s "Away from Me" plays as pyro goes off by the ton for the crowd. The cameras pan around and show the usual slew of signs all over the place. Josh Matthews’s voice is the first we hear.

"Here in the city of Brotherly Love, some clean, old-fashioned hatred will decide which three men will leave tonight with a spot at WrestleMania in their grasp! Hello, everyone, and welcome to the sold-out Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, PA, as the Royal Rumble is underway! I’m Josh Matthews alongside Jonathan Coachman, and we have the honor of calling the Royal Rumble match, during which someone will earn their spot at WrestleMania just seven weeks away!"

"That’s right, Josh. The rules are well-known by now: 2 men start, and every 2 minutes another man enters. You’re eliminated by being tossed over the top and out. The last man in the ring wins it all and will get a World or WWE Title shot at WrestleMania!"

"But against whom? We’ll find out tonight as Kane battles Chris Benoit in an Armageddon rematch for the World Title, while Hulk Hogan tries to make history by defeating Kurt Angle for the WWE Title!"

"And don’t forget, Shawn Michaels has been laying down the challenge for someone to meet him. Who could it be? Will that person be here? Let’s get it started by going to Howard Finkel!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the Intercontinental Championship! Introducing first, from Toronto, Canada, weighing in at 215 pounds, the Intercontinental Champion, Christian!"

Christian emerges as his music plays, and the crowd boos him. He struts to the ring, belt around his waist, then rolls in. He removes the belt and hands it to referee Nick Patrick, then poses on the turnbuckle. He removes his garish sunglasses and waits.

"And his opponent, from El Paso, TX, weighing in at 210 pounds, Chavo Guerrero!"

Chavo Guerrero emerges in his Mexican flag motif tights to the sounds of the Lo Rider music. The crowd cheers as he sprints to the ring and climbs the turnbuckle. He reaches the top and does a backflip off, landing on his feet. He then turns around, where Christian smirks at him. The two men back off to their respective corners and wait for the bell to ring.

They lock up. Christian backs Chavo into the corner, but instead of a clean break, he slaps him across the face. Chavo holds his temper and shoots a funny look at Christian before they lock up again. This time Chavo backs Christian into the corner, and during his clean break, Christian fires off a sucker-punch. Chavo flips out and chops away at Christian in the corner. Chavo climbs the buckles and gets the 10 punches, then does a monkey flip on Christian. Christian keeps getting back up, but gets hit with an armdrag, headscissors, armdrag, rana, and another armdrag before finally deciding to stall for time. This doesn’t work either, as Chavo flies out after him with a pescado and punches him on the outside. Nick Patrick gets the two separated, and Chavo plays to the crowd as Christian rolls back in.

Chavo hits a springboard into a senton as Christian tries to rest. He covers, but can only get two. He then sends Christian into the turnbuckle and follows with a running dropkick. Christian is dazed, so Chavo goes up top, but Christian recovers in time to duck the bodypress. Christian then tries an armbar, but Chavo handstands out of it and cuts Christian’s legs out. Christian quickly gets back up, only to be met with a suplex and dropkick, sending him back out of the ring. Chavo climbs the barricade, but Christian moves and Chavo’s jaw hits the apron. Christian rolls him back in and DDTs him for two. A suplex gets two. The rear naked lock with stretch gets another two. Christian appears frustrated, so he waits for Chavo to sit up and goes for a stump puller. Chavo gets to his feet, tipping Christian over backwards, and hits a Lionsault for two. Christian picks himself up, only to find Chavo going for a rana, but Christian stops it and throws Chavo over his head and into the ropes. Christian rope straddles Chavo and gets two.

Christian then throws Chavo to the outside and follows. He tries to ram Chavo’s head into the post, only to receive a drop toehold into the stairs. Chavo tosses Christian back in and goes up top. A missile dropkick gets two. Chavo wonders what he has to do to win, then picks Christian up, only to receive a low blow. Christian goes for a DDT, but Chavo tosses him in a Northern Lights suplex for two. Christian staggers into the corner, and Chavo follows, trying for the Tornado DDT. Christian grabs him, however, and tosses him clear over the top rope and headlong into the railing. Chavo is out, and Christian simply rolls him back into the ring and hits the Unprettier. Patrick counts, and Christian gets the three at 9:27.

"Here is your winner, and STILL Intercontinental Champion, Christian!"

I walked around backstage, trying to loosen up my legs for my match with Kurt Angle. I passed Rene Dupree, who was smiling and seemingly in good spirits. Geez, for a guy who just went through a table, he’s certainly in a good mood. "Hey, Rene, brother... what gives? There’s no blood on your shirt or anything, man."

"Oh, M. Hogan, you do not think I would prepare for a stunt like that without a little extra insurance, n’est-ce pas?"

"What do you mean by insurance?"

Rene was about to answer, but we were both startled by someone shouting "AFLAC!" We turned and saw John Cena -- who I knew was Owen this week -- smiling and laughing, then walking the other way. We both shook our heads.

"Seriously, dude, what do you mean?"

"Well... after volunteering I wanted to make sure this gift I bought in the western part of town would come to good use. As it turns out, it helped me avoid all injuries. Pretty clever, non?" As he spoke, he lifted his T-shirt. Underneath was a black bulletproof vest. Yup, that’s clever.

"The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship! Introducing first, the challenger, from Livonia, MI, weighing 155 pounds, Zach Gowen!"

Gowen’s music plays as he limps to the ring. He raises his hands to play to the crowd, but the crowd start booing. Zach looks around bewildered, then rolls into the ring and removes his prosthesis.

"And the opponent, accompanied by Nidia, from Hanover, WV, weighing an even 200 pounds, the WWE Cruiserweight Champion, Jamie Noble!"

Noble’s rockabilly theme is playing as he emerges holding Nidia’s hand. The two kiss at the entranceway as the crowd cheers their arrival. Noble rolls into the ring and yells a little at the fans. He then presents his title to referee Brian Hebner and stares Zach down. A "Break His Leg" chant starts up as the bell rings.

Noble and Zach lock up as Zach hops around to maintain balance. Noble tosses him into the corner, then stomps away at him. He picks Zach up and delivers a giant swing (four rotations), sending Zach flying out of the ring to the crowd’s delight. Noble follows and begins to pound on Zach’s back. He rolls Zach back into the ring and seems to be saying something to Zach as he applies a headlock. Zach pushes Noble off, and on the rebound, he hits a kneesmash to knock him down. Zach hits a single-leg legdrop, then works in a legbar. Noble makes the ropes. Zach continues punching away at the leg as a "Noble" chant starts up. Noble finally stands up and hits a drop toehold on Zach, then grabs him from behind and gets a reverse suplex as the crowd cheers.

Noble waits for Zach to get to his hands and knee, then dropkicks him out of the ring. Noble follows to the outside, but Zach tosses Noble into the steel steps, then rolls him back in. The "Break His Leg" chant starts again, and Zach delivers a "who, me?" look to the crowd. He waits for Noble to get to one knee, then delivers a roundhouse dropkick to the back of his head. He covers, but only gets two. He picks Noble up, then tries for a standing dropkick, but Noble catches him in a powerbomb for two. Noble slowly picks Zach, appearing to be saying something, and soon Zach hits a low blow. He rolls Noble up and puts his foot on the ropes, but still only gets two. The crowd boos Zach vociferously, and a "Gowen Sucks!" chant begins. Zach seems confused as to what to do, then climbs the ropes. He dives for a corkscrew moonsault, limbs flailing, but Noble escapes and Zach crashes to the mat to a huge pop. Noble then picks Zach up and delivers the Tiger Bomb, covering as the crowd chants along. The pin is academic at 6:44.

"Here is your winner, and STILL Cruiserweight Champion, Jamie Noble!"

I was waiting by the curtain as the two wrestlers returned. Noble seemed amused by something, and he and Nidia walked off without really mentioning anything. Zach, meanwhile, was limping back in tears. He could barely keep it together. I talked to him for a while as Paul was readying the next group to head out with him.

"Hey, little dude, what’s wrong?"

"Those fans," he sobbed. "Don’t they know I’m only 19? Don’t they... realize I’m... I’m not ready for this?"

"Hey there, man... you’re gonna meet your share of assholes in life. Look at me. I’ve been an asshole before," I said with a smile while showing him the "4 Life" hand signal. "Some people are just insensitive, that’s all."

"But... but they all... I..."

"It’s mob mentality, man. It’s the same reason they all cheer for me. Look -- you gotta realize by now that some people think you’re a freakshow. They’re gonna tell you to get out of the ring, and say you’re not good enough, but you gotta just shake it off, little man. Now look -- next week in Washington, I’m certain things will be different. You hear me, man?"

Zach looked up. "I... I guess so. I just... I’m sorry."

I began to remember when I was in his place. I remembered the feeling of helplessness as I struggled through my everyday activities. I knew I could never accuse him of not trying anymore -- not after seeing what everyday life was like. I also remembered being in Mexico when he got beaten up. I thought of how he fought through it, and I realized that was the trick.

"Zach... they can’t hurt you. You’ve been beaten on by life. By cancer. By some drunk Mexicans in a bar, dude. Words won’t damage you anymore. And if people wanna throw a punch at you, just tell ol’ Hollywood, and we’ll bring the troops to your aid, you got it, bro?"

Zach smiled. "Yeah... I got it."

"The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Tag Team Championships! Introducing first, being accompanied by Paul Heyman, from Japan, at a total combined weight of 385 pounds, the team of Ultimo Dragon and Tajiri, Team JAPAN!"

Dragon’s oriental music played through the PA system as the crowd came to its feet. Tajiri stalked to the ring, while Ultimo stayed behind and hit the praying pose, setting off the pyro. Both men were given hero’s welcomes as they entered the ring. Paul Heyman, of course, was equally cheered, and as he took the mic, a big ECW chant broke out.

"Gentlemen," he said, addressing the tag champs, "understand this. This is my home. This is the city I made famous. Tajiri-san, I gave you your first break right here. Asai-san, this is to me what Mexico City is to you. Please, make me proud, and give me a welcome homecoming. I want you to retain the gold."

The champs bowed and nodded. "And the challengers, from North Carolina, at a total combined weight of an even 400 pounds, Shannon Moore and Matt Hardy Version 1!"

A web browser appeared on the screen. The search for Matt Hardy Version 1 was entered. The search bar loaded to 10, then 30, then 70, then a full 100%. After that, Matt and Shannon enter, flashing the V1 hand signal, as we find out that Matt Hates Battle Royals and Matt Speaks Five Languages. Hardy and Moore enter the ring and flash the V1 signals to the crowd, who boos them and starts a "Heyman" chant for the heck of it. The bell rings to start the match.

Matt and Ultimo eventually start. They circle each other before locking up. Ultimo chops away at Matt out of the lockup, then backs him against the ropes. He whips Matt in, but Matt lands a clothesline on the rebound, bringing Tajiri in to hit a savate kick to Matt. Shannon enters now, but Tajiri catches him with a roundhouse kick, and Ultimo gets up and starts hitting palm thrusts on Matt. Both men whip Mattitude into each other, but Shannon ducks and Matt shoulderblocks Tajiri. Ultimo, however, climbs Matt’s back and lands on the top rope, then flips off into a standing moonsault press for two as Shannon breaks. Shannon pays for it as Ultimo kicks him square in the face. Shannon rolls to the outside, where Matt talks strategy. This allows Heyman to knock their heads together to a huge pop -- which lasts until Mike Chioda dismisses Heyman to the back, to a large chorus of boos.

Matt re-enters the ring and faces Ultimo again. They lock up, and Matt backs Ultimo into the corner. Matt then punches away in the corner and suplexes Ultimo out of it. Shannon comes in, and the two punch away in the corner before Matt exits the ring. Shannon gets a drop toehold on Ultimo, followed by a legdrop to the back of the head. He tags Matt back in, and the two deliver a double back suplex. Matt continues punishing Ultimo with a camel clutch. Ultimo makes the ropes as Tajiri leads an ECW chant. Matt then bodyslams Ultimo and pins him, but it only gets two before Ultimo bridges out. Matt tries a dragon sleeper, but Asai flips over and reverses, but Shannon enters and clotheslines Ultimo to break. Ultimo rolls outside, so Shannon dives onto him and tosses him back in. As he does, Tajiri grabs him and mists him, so Matt follows outside to administer a double-teaming. This allows Ultimo to climb to the apron and deliver the Asai moonsault onto the pile.

As everyone gets up, Ultimo returns to the ring and signals for the Asai DDT. However, Matt low blows him from behind and rolls him up, using the tights, for two. Matt reaches over and tags Shannon, who is still wiping the mist out of his eyes. Shannon applies a chinlock with one arm and cleans off his face with the other. Ultimo powers out with some elbowsmashes, then runs the ropes, but Moore catches him with a rana. He covers, but Tajiri saves at two. As Chioda tells Tajiri to leave, Matt comes in with a Twist of Fate. Shannon covers, but Ultimo gets his hand on the ropes. Shannon pulls Ultimo to the center of the ring and covers a second time, but Ultimo lifts the shoulder at two. Shannon looks on, confused, as the crowd chants "Nippon!" for the Japanese duo. Ultimo slowly gets to his feet as Matt is tagged in. Matt grabs the head and goes for a second Twist of Fate, but Ultimo grabs the legs and slingshots Matt into Shannon. With both men down, he tries to make it over to Tajiri, but Matt cuts him off at the last second and delivers a dragon screw. He covers for two.

Backstage, Paul Heyman was searching around. "What are you looking for, brother?" I asked.

"I brought a prop that I wanted to use. I just can’t remember where it is."

"But... weren’t you just kicked out of ringside?"

"That was an excuse for me to find this. Now, let’s see, I could’ve sworn that... ah, here it is!"

He grabbed his bag -- in which, presumably, the prop lay -- then headed back to the gorilla position. "What? What is it?"

"You’ll see, Hogan. It’s an old friend."

Meanwhile, back in the ring, Matt holds Ultimo in an STF. Ultimo fakes tapping a few times, then starts to crawl for the ropes. Matt pulls him away, but Tajiri then buzzsaw kicks him straight in the mouth. Matt flops over onto his back, bleeding from the mouth, while Chioda escorts Tajiri away. Shannon enters and hits a neckbreaker on Ultimo, then places Matt on top. Chioda turns around and counts, but it’s only two. Both men are slow to get up, but Matt is on his feet first. He kicks away at Ultimo, then sends him into the ropes. Ultimo ducks a clothesline, then flips over Matt’s head and delivers a neckbreaker. Both men are down. Ultimo crawls to his corner as Matt does, but Shannon can’t prevent the tag. Tajiri enters and hits a Karate rush on Shannon, absolutely levelling him in a neutral corner. He picks Shannon up and climbs the ropes, then delivers the Tarantula as the Philly crowd goes wild. Matt breaks it, then begins to punch away at Tajiri. Ultimo returns and goes for a savate kick on Matt, but Matt ducks and Choida gets nailed square in the jaw.

At this point, Paul Heyman returns to ringside. Matt sees him and begins to shout at him, but that allows Tajiri to mist Matt. As Matt stumbles around blinded, he grabs the nearest person he can find -- Ultimo -- and DDTs him, then panics, certain he got Shannon. Shannon throws water in Matt’s face to wash off the mist, and Matt gets over his panic attack. He tries to revive the ref, as he does, Ultimo positions himself next to Matt. Matt turns around as Ultimo backflips, and the Asai DDT connects. Ultimo goes to cover, but that won’t count either. Shannon then runs in with a tag belt and clocks both Ultimo and Tajiri with it. He grabs Ultimo and lays him out, then climbs the ropes and delivers the yodelling legdrop. As he celebrates in the ring, Paul Heyman enters, having pulled something out of his tote bag. Shannon turns around and is nailed right between the eyes by a vintage 1980s portable cellular phone, which cracks in half upon impact. Shannon blades from it, then slowly tries to recover. As he does, Tajiri nips up and stands behind him. One buzzsaw kick later, and Tajiri covers as the ref crawls over. The entire crowd counts to three as the champs retain at 15:44.

"The winners of this bout, and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions, Team JAPAN!"

Backstage, Kevin Nash’s jaw dropped. He began bouncing up and down in his seat, like an uncontrollable child. Pat Patterson entered the room. "Shawn, get out there. Hogan, Angle, get on deck."

I left my seat and slowly walked with Shawn to the gorilla position. As I did, I turned to him. "You ready for a wild finish, brother?"

Shawn, not knowing who I was, smiled. "Hulk, it ain’t even started yet."

Shawn Michaels’ music hits as he walks out, microphone in hand. He does his dancing and sets off his pyro, then calms down and looks into a camera. He lifts the mic to his mouth as an "HBK" chant starts.

"Now, as you all know, over the past couple of months, I’ve been asking someone if he would accept my invitation to one final match in the WWE. It’s someone I’ve never met before in the ring, but I have met outside of it. I won’t say we’re friends or enemies, but we share certain beliefs, so I respect him for that. I haven’t said who he is because, well, I didn’t wanna get your hopes up. So I’m just going to tell whoever it is that they have one minute to accept or reject my invitation. If they don’t, I’ll consider it rejected."

He waits for a few seconds as the crowd buzzes. JR and DDP talk about how the Internet speculation has been running rampant as to this man’s identity. After about 20 seconds, Evolution’s music hits and Randy Orton appears on the ramp. He holds a microphone in his hand and smirks at Shawn.

"Well, Shawn, I must say I’m flattered. We all know that the man you want to have a special match against is none other than the newest superstar, the Evolution of wrestling, Randy Orton. Well, I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I must say my answer is--"

"NO! You’re not who I asked. Get the hell out of here, you newcomer! Leave!"

The crowd cheers as Shawn keeps waving Orton to the back. The "Na na na" chant starts as Orton looks around, furious. He drops the mic and charges the ring...

...as the lights go out. Flashbulbs go off everywhere. Michaels and Orton are seen in the flashes to be looking around, Orton in confusion, Michaels in confidence. Then, a thud is heard. The lights come back on as Orton lies prone on the mat, with a long black baseball bat lying beside him. The crowd begins to cheer as Michaels sees the baseball bat and picks it up.

"You’re here, I see," he yells to the ceiling, the back, and nowhere in particular. "You did this. I know you’re here now. So come forward. I wanna know if you’ll do the match. Is it yes or no? Don’t hide anymore. We need an answer."

The lights go out a second time, this time with a single spotlight appearing on the stage. As it does, an image of a black bird appears on the TitanTron. It is followed by the Crow Music playing throughout the arena as the crowd is on their feet. After about 15 seconds, STING emerges in the black and white with a microphone. He stares at the entrance as the lights go back on and show Michaels smiling from ear to ear.

"What’ll it be, Stinger? The whole world wants to know. Is it yes... or no?"

Sting slowly lifts the mic to his mouth, but pauses for a "Sting" chant to start up. He smiles out of the corner of his mouth, then looks Shawn straight in the eye. "Yes." The crowd cheers long and loud. "Shawn... anytime... anywhere... it’s SHOWTIME!"

The Crow Music starts up again as Sting slowly departs to the back. Shawn Michaels is jumping up and down as if he just won the title. Randy Orton finally gets to his feet and slowly walks to the back, barely able to figure out what happened. Shawn then hops over the top rope and walks to the back, using the bat as a cane.

I stood in the back as the participants from the previous segments walked backstage. The wrestlers were gathered in the aisleway to welcome Sting to the WWE and, in some cases, ask for autographs. I turned to Angle. "Can you believe we gotta follow that?"

"No sweat," Angle said. "Let’s go out there and make history."

"The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the WWE Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, weighing 220 pounds, the WWE Heavyweight Champion, Kurt Angle!"

"Medal" played over the PA system as Kurt entered to a good reaction. It was Vince’s idea to send him out instead of me first so that the crowd could get to see him as the heel. Angle pointed to the sky as his pyro went off behind him. He then walked to the ring and twirled in the center of it. Reluctantly, he handed over his title to Tim White, who kept it as the music stopped. Angle stood in the center of the ring and looked around. The Philly crowd was divided, some chanting for Angle, some against him.

"And his opponent, the challenger, from Hollywood, USA, weighing in at 275 pounds, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!"

"Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" was already playing in the Wachovia Center. As it started, all my worries about the plan disappeared. The crowd was in full voice for me as I walked down the aisle, slowly, conserving my energy as much as possible. I played some air guitar along with Hendrix, then continued to the ring. I chopped that mountain down with the edge of my hand, then ripped the Hulk Still Rules T-shirt right off and threw it to the crowd. The "Hogan" chants continued for a full two minutes after the music did and during the staredown. Finally, the bell rang.

We locked up. A little trash talking in the lockup followed, then Angle went to the headlock. I tried lifting him up, but he landed on his feet back in the headlock. I shoved him off. He bounced into the ropes and I levelled him with a shoulderblock. He bounced back up and charged in, so I grabbed his throat and powered him down, then added a pair of elbowdrops. I slowly got up and grabbed Angle in a slam attempt. He slid down my back, then started clubbing me in the back. I staggered around in pain as he followed me and put on a crossface chickenwing. I flailed my arm in pain before Angle made the mistake of jumping on my back. I fell back onto him as the crowd cheered. I slowly got to my feet and shook the pain out of my arm before backing him into the corner. I climbed the second rope and punched away as the crowd counted along. At 7, I bit him. Angle staggered out of the corner, so I gave him an axe lariat and covered, but only for two.

As we both got up, I crept behind him and began raking his back. Kurt yelled in pain as the crowd ate it all up. I clotheslined him over the top rope and followed. On the outside, I slugged him a few times, but he blocked and fired back. I staggered into position, and Angle grabbed my hair -- what there was of it -- and slammed me into the announcer’s table. I remained doubled over by the table, amazed at my own lack of flexibility. Angle grabbed me and tossed me in the ring. The noise was so great I couldn’t even think straight. All I could do was follow Angle’s lead as he gave me a back suplex. I wiggled around in pain and took the stomps from Angle. He picked me up and chopped me in the corner, keeping the match basic. I reversed him and chopped away at him, then tried to throw him into the corner, only to get that reversed. I hit the turnbuckle chest-first and staggered backwards into the Angle Slam. Kurt covered. One. Two.

Not yet, Kurt.

I fiercely kicked out and got up to one knee, shaking the cobwebs out and staring straight at Angle. He became confused, starting to punch away, but that only made me stronger. I got to my feet, still ignoring his punches, and shook my arms violently. One more punch -- "YOU!" from the entire crowd as I pointed. A nervous Angle tried another punch, but it was blocked. One. Two. Three. Into the ropes, and back out for the big boot -- but Angle caught the foot. I stood there, trying to maintain my balance, before Angle yanked, cueing me to fall on my back. He turned me over and applied the ankle lock. I struggled to the ropes, but Kurt pulled me all the way back. Tim White checked to see if I would quit -- which meant he missed Kurt placing his foot behind the bottom rope, hooking himself so I couldn’t pull him away. I struggled, but couldn’t move. I had no choice, and tapped out at 12:01.

But there was more.

Angle refused to let go as his music played. He continued pulling and twisting my leg as I tapped harder and harder and yelled in pain. Tim White tried to pull him off of me, but Angle just yelled back at him. I tried to pull myself free, but had no luck. Finally, Angle let go of the hold to give White the Angle Slam. He then re-applied the hold in the center of the ring. The crowd booed loudly.

Several other referees headed to the ring to try to pry Angle off. I continued yelling, sometimes adding, "it’s broken, I think it’s broken," to emphasize the pain. Angle let go, and I tried to crawl to the ropes as I heard referees go flying left and right. I looked to the announcer’s table, where Michael Cole slammed his headset down and walked to the timekeeper’s table to get the belt, then entered the ring to help restrain Angle. Angle calmed down and took his belt, ready to leave, while Cole and Tim White talked to Finkel. Finkel relayed the decision.

"Ladies and gentlemen, due to post-match activities, it is the unanimous decision of the SmackDown officiating crew to reverse the decision by disqualification. Your winner, as a result of a disqualification, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!"

That set Angle off. He charged the ring again and began pounding on the back of my head as I meekly covered up. I slowly rolled onto my back as Angle got off of me. Michael Cole and Jack Doan held him back, but Angle knocked Doan down and slammed Cole, then put HIM in the anklelock. This caused Tazz to try to pry Angle off of his buddy, and the crowd -- which normally would cheer someone beating Cole up -- took Tazz’s side, booing harshly. It got worse when Angle suplexed Tazz on his head, then went back to Cole.

Their boos turned to thunderous cheers, though, as Eddie Guerrero emerged from the back. He dove into the ring and pulled Angle off of Cole. I rolled slowly to the outside as Eddie brawled with Angle. As I got back up to one knee, I peered into the ring. Eddie floored Angle with a brainbuster and, with the crowd cheering him on, climbed the ropes. He delivered the frog splash, and Angle rolled out of the ring. I slowly climbed back in.

Eddie stared at me, fists balled up, as though to say, "what, you want some too?" I stared at him, barely able to put weight on my foot. Finally, I extended my hand to him. He shook it. I pulled him in and thanked him with a hug, then raised his hand as "VIVA GUERRERO" led into Eddie’s new music. Angle left, a bitter, broken, and hated man, with Eddie Guerrero the new hero.

Slowly, Eddie and I walked to the back, helping as Tazz and the other referees aided Michael Cole. When all of us got to the back, the women in the next match were waiting for us, eyes agape and jaw dropped. Ivory spoke for both of them. "Thanks, guys," she said sarcastically. "We gotta follow that effort now? The crowd will be dead for us! Why do they keep scheduling us in such a bad place on the card -- the nacho break match? It’s just not fair."

"Hey, Ivory... calm down. We’re on Pay-Per-View. Besides, it’ll be quick."

"Yeah... guess you’re right, Alexis. Sorry, I’m just a little cranky right now. You know, my emotions all out of control."

"Sure, okay. I think. I mean, I wouldn’t know or anything..."

"Believe me, it’s not a cakewalk. Fortunately, I should be off the road soon."

We continued to the back. Paul and Stephanie were thrilled at the results. "All right, Eddie! That’s the way!" Stephanie yelled as she slapped him on the back. Eddie smiled and helped me sit down. I had only been out there for about 20 minutes, but I felt like it had been two hours. I guess at fifty, everything hurts more.

"You okay, Hogan? Okay, good. I gotta get ready for the Rumble, man, but I just wanna say... thank you for giving me the cred out there, hombre. I told you everything would be all right."

"Yeah... you did."

"The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the Women’s Championship! Introducing first, from Hollywood, FL, the Women’s Champion, Ivory!"

Ivory’s music plays as she walks out with the Women’s title, jawing at fans along the way. She rolls into the ring and continues yelling, then raises her hands to the unappreciative crowd. The music stops, and the crowd begins to buzz for what would happen next.

"And the challenger, from Richmond, VA, here is Alexis Laree!"

Laree comes out to her hard rock in-house music to a HUGE ovation from the crowd. She slides into the ring and begins doing Lita’s "rock on" arm swings on the second turnbuckle. She then climbs another turnbuckle and does the same thing. As she does, though, Ivory attacks from behind.

Ivory pummels away at Alexis, then throws her into the turnbuckle. She tries for a back suplex, but Laree flips out of it and hits a reverse X-Factor on Ivory. She then adds a lightning legdrop and picks Ivory up. Ivory is sent into the ropes, and Alexis hits a bodypress on the way out. She climbs to the top rope and moonsaults Ivory, then rolls off the cover. She sends Ivory into the turnbuckle, then grabs her head. She bounces up to the top rope and twists off in what the announcers call the LareeDT -- a tornado DDT. She covers, and the match is over just 53 seconds after it began.

"The winner of this contest, and NEW Women’s Champion, Alexis Laree!"

Laree jumps up and down as she is handed the Women’s Title belt. The crowd cheers ecstatically and chants "Welcome Back". Some of them even start an "ROH" chant -- just as Matt had predicted they would. Laree weeps tears of joy in the ring. She mouths the words "thank you" over and over to the fans. She is home.

I walked gingerly to the trainer’s room to get an examination. Michael Cole was back there, getting a wrap placed on his foot. "Hey, Michael, you ok, dude?"

"Yeah, Hulk... I’m just not used to having to take wrestling moves, so my foot feels kinda funny after Kurt got done with it."

"He didn’t hurt ya, did he?"

"Nah... this oughta be fine by morning. I just wanna stabilize it."

"All right, man."

"How about you? You look like you’ve been through hell."

"Well, you know, Cole, at 50 years old, all the little bumps and twists feel like they’re being made by a jackhammer, dude."

"Well... if you can get through it, I’m gonna suck it up and work the Rumble."

"Wait a second, dude... you’re not in it, are you?"

"Oh, no no... the refs have to be around ringside to judge people’s feet hitting the floor."

"Oh, right man. Those things ran themselves for so long I forgot we needed officials, brother."

"Well... it looks good on TV," Cole concluded. He winked and hobbled out of the room as I got on the training table.

"The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the World Heavyweight Championship! Heading to the ring, weighing 326 pounds, the World Heavyweight Champion, Kane!"

Slow Chemical plays over the PA as red light bathes the arena. Kane slowly walks to the ring, the World Title held limply in his right hand. He enters the ring and stands in the center, raising his hands. He drops them suddenly, "setting off" pyro on all four corners. He stares at Earl Hebner as he hands him the belt.

"And his opponent, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, weighing 220 pounds, Chris Benoit!"

Benoit’s music plays as the crowd cheers. Chris Benoit emerges from the back, shaking his muscles loose. He rolls into the ring and stares directly into Kane’s eyes. Kane stares right back at Benoit, as the foot of height difference is played up by the announcers. Earl Hebner separates the two and calls for the bell.

Benoit jukes and jives around Kane, who charges and misses Benoit. Kane turns and faces Benoit, who is egging him on. Kane charges in again, this time with a big boot, but Benoit calmly ducks it and spins Kane around. He chops away at Kane, then whips him into the ropes, where Kane hits a clothesline that spins Benoit in midair. Kane stands over him and taunts him, then picks him up and throws him out of the ring. He follows, pressing Benoit against the pole on the outside. He lets go and laughs at the referee, but when he turns around, Benoit sends him crashing into the steps.

Benoit tosses him back in and grabs an armbar. Kane stands up, with Benoit virtually hanging off his arm, and breaks the hold with ease. Kane then picks Benoit up, but Benoit rolls through and tries the Crossface. Kane scrambles for the ropes. Benoit maintains the pressure with a headlock, then tries to run Kane’s head into the turnbuckle. Kane shoves him off, and Benoit slams into the buckle chest-first. Kane then grabs Benoit from behind and hits what was probably supposed to be a suplex, but wound up being a brainbuster. Kane ascends the top rope and waits for Benoit to get. He dives off... straight into another Crossface. This time, Kane powers out.

Benoit gets frustrated and grabs Kane from behind. He hits the first German suplex, then another. Kane breaks on the third one and grabs Benoit by the throat. The chokeslam connects, but only for two. Kane yanks Benoit up by the hair, but Benoit shoves Kane’s hands away and chops him in the chest a few times. Kane is sent into the ropes, and Benoit uses Kane’s momentum to send him right out over the top. Benoit follows with a tope suicida as the crowd goes ballistic. Back inside, Kane is prone on the mat as Benoit goes for a diving headbutt. He leaps, but Kane is ready and grabs Benoit’s throat in midair. They both stand up, but Benoit rolls away from it and chops some more.

Kane is staggered against the turnbuckle, so Benoit lifts him onto it and follows. He connects with a superplex and covers for two. Benoit drops an elbow and covers again, but still gets only two. Benoit tries for a hammerlock slam on Kane, but Kane blocks easily and gorilla presses Benoit. He stands on Benoit’s chest, and the ref counts to two before Benoit throws Kane aside. Benoit gets to his feet slowly as Kane beals him to the outside. He climbs to the top rope and nails the diving clothesline on him to the floor. Kane smiles at the crowd and at Benoit, then throws him back into the ring.

Arrogantly, Kane stands over Benoit, then kicks him a few times, as if testing if Benoit’s alive. Benoit grabs Kane’s feet as Kane smiles down, but the smile leaves when Benoit flips Kane onto his back. From there, Benoit applies the Sharpshooter to a surprised Kane, who fights the hold for a full minute. Finally, Kane reaches the ropes. Benoit drags Kane back to the center of the ring and makes the cut-throat sign, then goes up top. This time, Kane is up too soon. Benoit tries a body attack, but Kane grabs the goozle. However, Benoit hits the Crossface out of THAT, but Kane stands up while in it and grabs the torture rack out of it. He then hits a Death Valley Driver out of the torture rack. In Japan, I believe this is the Burning Hammer. In America, it’s "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY, HE HAS TO BE BROKEN IN HALF!" Or something. Anyway, it'll end the match at 16:09.

"The winner, and STILL World Heavyweight Champion, KANE!"

I looked at the trainer. "Is he gonna be all right, dude?"

"Oh, I’m sure, Hulk," the trainer replied. "Y’see, he’s been in Japan, and taking stuff like that is normal over there. I’m not saying it’s smart, but Kane did his best to make him land on his face and not his head. See? Chris is moving again."

I left the training room with a clean bill of health as they were bringing Chris in.

"Hey, Benoit, brother... you’re insane."

"Yeah... thanks... that’s one move I ain’t doin’ again." He slowly walked to the training table, where he was checked out for signs of a concussion. Meanwhile, Glen Jacobs knocked on the door.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No... not too much... just a bell ringing."

"Okay... I think I’ll save that move for special occasions. It’s like my Tombstone or your powerbomb."

"Yeah... smart thinking."

"Thanks for teaching it to me, Chris."

"No problem."

I walked out to the curtain area. Half the roster was ready, lined up from 1 to 30. Vince was giving last second instructions to the crew. I walked back and took a prime seating position in the locker room. The fastest hour of sports entertainment was about to begin.

Okay, so I've finally been talked into reposting some more BVS. Happy now?

So, yeah, this is the pre-show to the Royal Rumble, as well as a scene you never thought you'd see -- Hulk Hogan touring the ECW Arena. I want you to think about how the crowd would react. I'm 100% certain it would be ugly. Let's just put it that way.

Also, we have the Heat that aired prior to the Rumble, with a special focus on the two main events -- Angle/Hogan and Kane/Benoit. If those matches sound like they'd draw, whew. If Noble/Gowen sounds like a stupid match for the Philly crowd, now you understand why booking is the weakest of my suits (booking, match architecture, character development, etc.). I honestly don't know why I chose that.

The conversation between Hogan and RVD sort of highlights how much Hogan means to wrestling. Say what you will about him -- and it's been said -- but at the end of the day, Hogan's done more good for wrestling than bad. Everyone owes a debt to him at some level. Even Rob.

The two Heat matches were advertised as tag matches: APA vs Holly and Test was one. The other was La Res vs Dreamer and a mystery partner. Probably the best choice I could make for a mystery partner at the time, too. Although the match had a strange finish. So yeah.

You will notice that in the Hogan promo, he says that he slammed Earthquake through a table. Not quite true; he tried, but the table didn't break. Hogan, of course, remembers it differently, because he's Hogan.

*****

Chapter 78

One Last Stop on the Road

Friday, January 23, 2004, 04:11 PM

Philadelphia, PA

Rob Van Dam was leading a group of through some back streets in Philadelphia to a street corner where a five-and-ten-cent store stood. I looked around at the inner city and pulled my jacket closer to my body. This place seemed unwelcoming for someone like me, and doubly so for someone like Hogan.

"And over here," said Rob, trying his best to be a tour guide, "is the general store where most of our fans would stop by before the matches began. I’m tellin ya, there’d be a whole line of people halfway down Rittner Street. All of them would wanna get their hands on cheap pots and pans, cookie sheets, wooden pallets -- just about anything the store sold. They did great business when we came through."

He led us over to the opposite corner across the street. A car honked at us as it went by. We all turned around and looked. A man leaned out of the car and yelled, "RVD!!!" The car drove on as Edge and I looked towards Rob.

"Fans," he said with a half-shrug. "They never forget. Anyway, through these doors here is the place I made history. It’s the place a short bald guy who was nothing more than a WCW manager struck a goldmine. It’s where guys like Raven and Tommy Dreamer became icons. Gentlemen," he said, opening the door, "welcome to the ECW Arena.

Oh, well, it’s not the ECW Arena anymore, since ECW is out of business. It’s called the Viking Hall, and it’s where the Combat Zone guys tried to be our successor. It’s hard to run a promotion out of this building and be a big-time player at the same time, just because of the money involved. And... well, as you can see, it’s a small place -- I’ve seen high school gyms bigger than this, to be honest. But it was my home for... oh, about 7 years, so it’s cool."

I looked around. It certainly was a small place -- I couldn’t imagine it seating more than 2500, and then only if it broke several fire codes. I tried to imagine the ring and rampway for a WWE show in here, but I had no such luck -- the entrance couldn’t fit under the ceiling. Kurt and Edge looked around in wonder.

"Wow," said Edge, "this place is almost... it IS a high school gym. I bet I could sell this out by myself."

"Nah," said RVD. "It wouldn’t be that easy. You see, the people who go to this place have special tastes. They like their wrestling a little more like pit fighting, I guess I’d say. Y’know, they talk about being where all the Radicals started their career, but honestly? They were just wrestlers -- they didn’t draw here either. Raven and Dreamer and Terry Funk and Cactus Jack -- those were the stars, and they were brawlers."

I absorbed the atmosphere, and as I did, a second image came to mind -- not of the WWE in the Arena, but of the old ECW boys being there. I saw the 2000 people almost literally hanging from the rafters as people like Raven and Stevie Richards stood in the ring. I imagined Tommy Dreamer walking down the aisle, holding a Singapore cane up high as the crowd chanted for him to fuck Raven up. I imagined a wild, bloody match spilling into the crowds. I looked up at a crow’s nest and saw the two of them hanging by their fingertips to the railing.

"Um, Hogan?" Rob got my attention. "Something on your mind right now?"

"Well, yeah, brother. I was just imagining what kind of show and what kind of crowd you dudes would have here, man. Just thinking about the atmosphere, brother... it’s the kind of place I look forward to, brother, only on a smaller scale. It must have been special."

"Yeah... it’s was a wild time, man. They love the people who give their heart and soul every night. They would cheer and chant and... man, you just fed off their energy. It was like... like a high you could never duplicate. Not that I’d know, of course, but it was awesome."

"Yeah... too bad I’ll never see that here, man. I mean, even if we were in the Hall, dude, you know I’d be the heel here. I’m everything these guys hate, brother."

"Well... does that bother you?"

"I dunno... I kinda hoped I’d be a star, brother. A universally loved figure. I mean, I had that, dude. I would like it back."

Rob looked me in the eyes and smiled. "Hulk, it’s real simple. You are wrestling. You made it a viable career. When it’s your turn to ride off into the sunset for good -- I’m tellin ya, man, they’ll retire your jersey. And yeah, these guys think it’s cool to hate you, but they’ll miss having you to kick around. I guarantee ya, every guy who’s ever gotten into wrestling owes you. I know I do -- even if I’ve never fought your style."

"Serious? I mean, what do you owe me, RVDude? You aren’t anything like me. You made your way here doing everything the opposite of what I did. You rode the wave rather than stirring the pot. You... you took it as an exercise rather than a job. Why do you owe me?"

Rob smiled again. "Hey, I may only be Rob Van Dam, but I wouldn’t be pulling down millions if you hadn’t come around. I’d still be here, or in another gym somewhere, and working three other jobs just to make ends meet. Now I get to tour the world. You know, I didn’t tell ya, but... Survivor Series was a career highlight for me, man."

"Whaddya mean, dude?"

"Well... I can tell my kids I teamed up with the biggest name in professional wrestling history. I dunno if you’ll be known that far down the road -- I’m sure I won’t -- but... that’s history, man. I’ve worked with Austin, with the Rock, with Angle here -- but I got to be with Hogan. That’s history."

"Thanks, man... it’s just so weird. Can you imagine if the WWE did this place?" RVD shook his head. "Nah... it’s best just to let it be. The times were fun, but... the future is where it’s at, man. Maybe someone else will start up a fed here and make money. But today isn’t the day."

*****

Sunday, January 25, 2004

07:00 PM

As the show opens, we see Jonathan Coachman and Josh Matthews sitting in the press box, with the Royal Rumble logo behind them. Matthews opens the discussion.

"Welcome everyone to a special Royal Rumble Edition of Sunday Night Heat. I’m Josh Matthews and with me is the Coach, Jonathan Coachman. Coach, it’s time once again for us to meet; it’s been the third time we’ve had the honor of working the pre-game show together, and this show might be another memorable one."

"I certainly hope so, Josh, and certainly, tonight’s Royal Rumble, exclusive on pay-perview in one hour, looks to be a dramatic show. We have a full card from top to bottom, featuring of course the fastest 60 minutes in sports entertainment in the Rumble match itself as well as six titles to be decided tonight."

"That’s right, Coach, and here on Heat we have two exciting tag team matches scheduled. First, from SmackDown, it’s the APA squaring off against Dawn Marie’s hand-picked duo of Hardcore Holly and Test. Dawn has been a thorn in the APA’s side for some time, and this is the latest in their rivalry."

"Also, from the RAW side, we have La Resistance going into a flagpole match against Philadelphia’s golden boy, Tommy Dreamer, and a partner of his choosing -- so far no one knows who that’s going to be!"

"All that comes later, but first, we want to show you highlights of what went down this week on RAW and SmackDown!"

A series of highlights is shown from RAW. The beating on Shawn is shown with everyone passing him off, up to the hot tag to HHH. A huge melee breaks out and ends with Randy Orton hitting the RKO on Molly Holly for the pin. During the aftermath, Michaels chases Eric Bischoff, but Evolution beats him down. HHH and the Dudleys make the save, but get into a brawl and 20 or so people run in to start the chaos. Booker T gets a Spinaroonie and clotheslines HHH over the top rope to finish the chaos.

The clips go to SmackDown!, and show a ten-man tag featuring Zach Gowen, Paul London, Nova, and Team Japan against World’s Greatest Tag Team, A-Train, and Team Mattitude. Gowen gets hit several times, but tags in Nova, who kicks away at all five heels. All ten men enter the ring and toss everyone out until it’s Moore and Tajiri. Hardy sneaks in and hits a reverse Twist of Fate on Tajiri, and Moore sneaks the pin. Ultimo dives off onto all ten guys, then brawls off with Hardy and Moore as Tajiri smokes ATrain with a buzzsaw kick. We go back to Josh.

"Well, as you can see from those two matches, when you get a lot of people in the ring, it can be a bizarre and enlightening experience."

"Enlightening? In what way, Josh?"

"Well, Coach, if that’s a preview of what could happen when the Rumble begins, you know you’re in for a wild ride. Remember this -- you don’t have to beat a man into oblivion or into submission to get the win."

"That’s right -- all you have to do is throw him over the top and have both feet touch the floor and that person is eliminated."

"Exactly, but the thing that makes the Rumble so interesting is that it’s the luck of the draw. Whoever draws the higher numbers -- the 21-30 -- is definitely poised to have a huge advantage over the first ten guys to come out, because those guys will likely be eliminated before you hit the ring."

"But remember, Josh -- there’s been a winner at each position in #1-5, and no one has won after drawing #30."

"That’s a good point, but it may be something that will happen eventually. It’s like waiting for five o’clock -- it will happen, but it’s gonna take a while."

"It might just sneak up on us."

"You’re right. By the way, you may have noticed in the SmackDown video package the fight between Team Japan -- Ultimo Dragon and Tajiri -- and Team Mattitude -- Matt Hardy Version 1 and Shannon Moore. Tonight, those two teams are going to square off for the WWE Tag Team Championships, and with Paul Heyman calling the shots for the champs at ringside, they seem to be overwhelming favorites."

"But don’t forget -- Matt Hardy may have struck an alliance with the A-Train last week during the ten-man tag, and if the 6’8 behemoth interjects himself in this match, we could see a title change."

"It’ll be interesting to see if Mattitude can be the first team to defeat Ultimo Dragon and Tajiri in straight-up 2 on 2 action."

"When we come back, Coach, we’ll take a look at the two Heavyweight Championship fights as Kurt Angle faces Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Chris Benoit gets a rematch with the maniacal Kane."

"In addition, we’ll have our tag team matches as the APA face Hardcore Holly and Test and Tommy Dreamer faces La Resistance, but who will his tag team partner be?"

*****

07:17 PM

The WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2’s YJ Stinger: from SmackDown! on December 11, Hulk Hogan chokeslams and legdrops Eddie Guerrero to earn a title shot at the Royal Rumble against Kurt Angle.

Matthews and Coachman are shown in the studio. "Tonight, Coach, we get to see the WWE Title on the line as the ageless Hollywood Hulk Hogan goes for his thirteenth world championship against a current six-time champion in Kurt Angle."

"That’s right, and both men appear to be more pumped up than ever before, though you have to wonder what is going through Kurt Angle’s mind. He’s almost obsessed with remaining the champion!"

"I know what you mean, Coach, and Angle’s war of words with Hogan has become very intriguing the closer we get to the Royal Rumble, less than an hour away."

A video package of the various interviews both men have done is presented. It includes almost a full transcript of the Angle/Hogan showdown from the past SmackDown!, including a focus on Angle mentioning how he lives, eats, breathes, etc., the title. It ends with a shot of their staredown, which fades into the motion graphic for the match itself, with Josh providing voice-over.

"Well, there you have it, folks. Two men who both want the WWE Title, and one match to determine the winner. Earlier today, our Matt Capotelli caught up with the challenger to ask about his feelings for this match."

The shot switches to Matt standing with Hulk Hogan (me). "Hollywood Hogan," begins Capotelli, "tonight you have a chance to make history one more time by becoming the oldest man to win a Pay-Per-View match for a World Heavyweight Championship. Only Kurt Angle stands in your way."

"Well, ya know somethin’, Capotelli brother, I’ve been all around the world in my illustrious career, dude. And this place, Philadelphia, holds some special memories for me, brother. It was here, in front of a packed house, that I took a 450 pound man named the Earthquake, and I slammed him through a table in front of the entire world, little man. And now I come here, ready to make more history, against the WWE Champion, Kurt Angle, brother. Now Kurt Angle may have the Olympic medals, and he may have the history of being world champion, my man, but he ain’t got what I got, and that’s the power of these 24-inch pythons and the power of Hulkamania running through my veins, amigo. And when he tries to put my shoulders to the mat, I’m gonna take all that Brotherly Love right here in Philadelphia, dude, and I’m gonna look at Kurt Angle, and I’ll ask him right to his bald little face, just whatcha gonna do when the Babe Ruth of sports entertainment runs wild all over you?"

"All right, there you have it. Hulk Hogan is ready and waiting for his shot at Kurt Angle. Back to Josh in the studio."

"Thanks, Matt. Well, it seems that Hollywood Hogan is ready for competition tonight against Kurt Angle, but can he hold up after all this time? He hasn’t been in a match in almost a full month, Coach."

"Ring rust certainly will play a factor in tonight’s match, but what’s much more of a factor is the age and experience. Kurt Angle is almost a full generation younger than Hogan, and unlike in other matches, he has a large amount of experience at the top against the big boys. This isn’t A-Train -- this is a polished main event wrestler."

"All right, also on the card tonight we have Kane and Chris Benoit in a rematch from Armageddon that came about due to unusual circumstances in that Armageddon matchup."

"It was supposed to be an Inerfno match, and even though Kane won, he was tapping in the middle of the match, which is how Benoit earned this shot."

"Let’s take a look at what brought these two men to Philadelphia to face each other one more time."

A video package plays, highlighting first the Elimination Chamber at Survivor Series and showing about 10 different replays of the fireball that caused the title change. The wheel spinning is added, with it landing on Inferno Match, followed by a close-up of Kane’s hand tapping. Bischoff is shown allowing one more match, as the two stare each other down and promise generally nasty things. This fades into the motion graphic for Kane/Benoit, with Coach doing voiceover.

"One more time, it’ll be Chris Benoit vs. Kane for the World Heavyweight Championship. Earlier today, our cameras along with Diamond Dallas Page caught up with Benoit in preparation for this intense matchup."

The cameras enter a basement somewhere, with a similar set-up to Stu Hart’s dungeon. DDP is in front as he approaches Chris Benoit being stretched by an indy talent. "Chris, if I may interrupt... a lot of people wouldn’t exactly consider this the most ideal training site for a World Heavyweight title match. Why are you in the basement here?"

Chris escapes the hold and talks. "Well, I just wanted to get back to what made me a superstar. Being here reminds me of the Dungeon where I trained. It’s the kind of intensity Stu Hart brought every day to my training sessions that I need to bring to tonight’s World Heavyweight Title match. When Kane enters the ring, he will be facing a man who has been primed and ready for every possible obstacle. When tonight is done, I will be -- once again -- the World Heavyweight Champion. And if Kane thinks that won’t happen... he’ll just have to Prove Me Wrong." Chris returns to the stretches.

"There ya go, boys, it looks like Benoit’s in the mindset of a warrior, and that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing. Back to you, Coach."

The shot initially goes back to Josh and Coach, but then goes to the motion graphic for each match as they discuss it.

"Thanks, Page. You know, we haven’t talked about the other three exciting title matches tonight. The first one, of course, is Chavo Guerrero, fresh off his trade from Smackdown, going for the Intercontinental Title against Christian. That’s one I’m looking forward to."

"In addition, we’ll see Zach Gowen, who’s living his dream, try to become the Cruiserweight champion as he faces Jamie Noble, who as always is accompanied by Nidia."

"And finally, Alexis Laree makes her debut in the WWE and can win the women’s title against Ivory. Laree has been making waves around the nation, and in fact got her start right here in Philadelphia, so we’ll have to see how things go tonight."

"And how can we forget the Royal Rumble itself? Fifteen RAW superstars and fifteen SmackDown superstars for a shot at a guaranteed place on the card at WrestleMania. There on the screen you see the 29 known participants in the Royal Rumble, but one slot is once again open on the SmackDown side. Stephanie McMahon playing a wildcard in an effort to win the Rumble, Coach."

"An interesting idea, playing with the strategies of the other combatants, but will it pay off tonight? You can find out by ordering the Royal Rumble. Call your local cable or satellite provider to order! The Rumble begins in about 30 minutes."

"When we come back, it’ll be SmackDown tag team action as the APA battle Dawn Marie’s squad of Hardcore Holly and Test. Coach and I will have the call after this break."

*****

07:31 PM

Howard Finkel is doing introductions as the APA’s music hits. "The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, at a total combined weight of 560 pounds, Faarooq, Bradshaw, the A.P.A.!" The duo head to the ring wearing matching tights and slapping the hands of fans along the way. The Philadelphia crowd cheers them on as they enter the ring.

"And their opponents, being accompanied by Dawn Marie, at a total combined weight of 515 pounds, the team of Test and Hardcore Holly!" New Dawn Marie style music plays (it’s in SDSYM and sounds kinda like New York nightlife with the trumpets and... oh, go look it up) as Test and Hardcore walk to the ring, with Dawn Marie leading the way and smiling like a cat that ate the canary. Both men get into the ring and stare down the APA, but before the bell rings, Bradshaw gets in a cheap shot and the match is on.

All four men brawl as the crowd chants "APA". Faarooq tosses Test through the ropes as Hardcore and Bradshaw slug it out. Bradshaw wins that, catching Holly off the ropes and in the Last Call. Bradshaw makes the drinking motion as Test tosses Faarooq into the steps. Bradshaw gets up and turns around, but Test boots him down. Holly covers for two. Holly picks Bradshaw up and clubs him a few times before whipping him into the ropes and hitting a clothesline. Test comes in, and he delivers a DDT for two. Holly and Test combine for a double suplex, then Holly props Bradshaw up against the ropes and hits his low punt. The ref admonishes Holly, allowing Test to snap Bradshaw’s neck on the top rope. Holly goes for the Alabama Slamma, but Bradshaw rolls through it to his feet, then blasts Holly with a shoulderblock for the double KO. Both men crawl to their corners, bringing in Test and a riled-up Faarooq.

Faarooq clubs away at Test, then whips him into the ropes and lands his standing spinebuster. Holly gets a kick to the gut and a suplex for coming in, after which Test is hit with a powerslam for two. Holly breaks, and all four men go back at it. In the chaos, Dawn Marie hops on the apron and gives Faarooq a better look at her chest. Faarooq stares at the headlights, allowing Test to catch him from behind with a pumphandle slam for two. Test whips Faarooq in for the big boot, but Faarooq ducks and Test gets hit with the Clothesline from Hell from Bradshaw. However, Holly tosses Bradshaw and hits the Falcon Arrow on Faarooq, earning the victory for his team at 5:58.

"Here are your winners, the team of Test and Hardcore Holly!"

The announcers look over the replay and discuss the victory. Coach mentions that this could earn Test and Holly a title shot at some point in the future. Josh scoffs at the idea.

"Still to come, folks," says a nonplussed Coach, "we will have the Flagpole Match, as Tommy Dreamer goes into battle with La Resistance, but who will be by his side? The answer after this break."

*****

07:49 PM

"The following tag team contest is a no-disqualification Flagpole Match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, coming down the aisle, from Paris, France, at a total combined weight of 485 pounds, the team of Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier, La Resistance!" As La Resistance’s decidedly French music plays, the duo head to the ring. Grenier is waving the French flag, while Dupree carries a bare flagpole with him. Both men are wearing the berets, trenchcoats, and epaulets that are part of their uniform, but also a pair of VIVE LA FRANCE T-shirts. They enter the ring, where Grenier waves the flag before disconnecting the flag and presenting it to Michael Cole at ringside. Cole, naturally, doesn’t know what to do with it as Dupree and Grenier stand and salute, still wearing the T-shirts.

"And their opponents, introducing first, from Yonkers, NY, weighing 260 pounds, Tommy Dreamer!"

Tommy’s hardcore rock music plays over the PA system as he storms to the ring, carrying an American flag on his flagpole. He salutes the flag, then disconnects it. A road agent helps him fold the flag properly, then it is presented to Tazz as Dreamer asks for a mic. As this is going on, Coach and Josh remind us that RAW and SmackDown present WWE Royal Rumble, live in just a few minutes and exclusively on Pay-Per-View. The Royal Rumble is presented by YJ Stinger, and the official theme song is "Away from Me" by Puddle of Mudd. Dreamer’s music ends, and he speaks.

"Hey, frog-boys, listen up! I may be from Yonkers, but Philadelphia is my second home! And as I sat in the back thinking of who I could get to help me take it to the two of you, I realized there was a man who could help me. He’s the only guy I could think of who was hardcore enough, who was crazy enough, and most importantly, who was SSSSSSSSSSSSSSICK enough to do it!"

The crowd lets out a pop upon hearing the word "sick" emphasized, then goes into a roar as an instrumental version of "Last Resort" plays over the PA. A familiar face to Philly fanatics appears from behind the curtain, carrying a mysterious burlap bag and a Singapore cane, which is close enough to a flagpole for government work. Finkel does the rest.

"From Philadelphia, PA, weighing in at 230 pounds, Sick Nick Mondo!"

A HUGE "CZW" chant strikes up as Mondo storms to the ring. The announcers point out the word "SICK" written on his head, and note that it’s something Al Snow used to do. They note his "UNSCARRED" tattoo around his belly, and wonder if that’s inspired by former ECW legend Perry Saturn. Then the match begins and all four men begin punching, kicking, and swinging their sticks.

Dreamer sends Dupree to the outside with a cross-check, while Mondo begins to school Grenier with his stick. Grenier is flat on his face on the mat, allowing Mondo to climb the ropes and hit a flying elbow onto Grenier. Dupree re-enters the ring (having disposed of Dreamer) and slugs Mondo to the ground. He works an armbar, but Mondo gets to his feet, forcing Dupree to do the same. This allows Dreamer to slam him in the back with the flagpole. Dreamer stands over a downed Dupree as the crowd chants "fuck him up, Dreamer, fuck him up!" The announcers are forced to cover the noise as Dreamer prepares to swing, landing a hard shot to Dupree’s back, then another. Dreamer adds a Russian legsweep with the flagpole to Dupree, then holds the pole over his head, causing a "Sandman" and "ECW" chant to break out.

Grenier is on the floor, nailing a flagpole shot to Mondo’s jaw, then another right between the "I" and "C" on his forehead. He returns to the ring, and La Resistance clothesline Dreamer with the cane. Mondo returns to the ring (having bladed in the interim, as per his contract) and beings slugging away with Grenier, then catches Dupree’s clothesline attempt in a Northern Lights suplex. Dupree rolls to the outside to catch his breath, then goes fishing for more weaponry. He finds a table as Dreamer and Mondo hit a double big boot to Grenier. Dupree sets up the table, then wanders to another side of the ring -- just in time to catch Mondo, who dives over the ropes after him.

Dreamer, meanwhile, begins pounding on Grenier with the stick, then lifts him up for a DDT attempt. Grenier goes low to block, then lifts Dreamer and crotches him on the top rope. Dreamer howls in pain, while Grenier climbs the top rope. Mondo catches him and shakes the ropes, and now Grenier lands on the turnbuckle and is in pain. Dupree hits a slingshot suplex on Dreamer as Mondo gets a super Frankensteiner on Grenier. Both men cover, and both only get two.

Dupree and Mondo charge each other, with Dupree sending Mondo to the floor. Dupree then picks up Dreamer and delivers the prancing kneedrop and figure-four. Grenier adds flagpole shots to Dreamer. Meanwhile, on the outside, Mondo spies the table and gets a look in his eye. He grabs the bag he carried to the ring and opens it. He then spills the contents -- thousands of thumbtacks -- all over the table as the crowd begins to cheer and start a "CZW" chant.

Mondo breaks up the figure-four in the ring as Dreamer limps around and tries to get circulation back into his leg. Grenier clips the leg and tries a pin with his feet on the ropes. The ref gets to two before Mondo lifts Grenier off of Dreamer and hits a gutwrench slam. Dupree breaks Mondo’s cover at two, then suplexes Mondo to the mat. He climbs the top rope, but Mondo follows him up and the two slug it out on top. Grenier recovers and grabs Mondo, but before Dupree can react, Dreamer hops onto the apron and shoves. Dupree is sent flying off the top rope and through the thumbtack table. This leaves Mondo sitting on Grenier’s shoulders, and Mondo flips down and hits a Victory Roll on Grenier that gets the pin and ends this wild match at 8:25.

"Here are your winners, the team of Tommy Dreamer and Sick Nick Mondo!"

The crowd cheers hysterically as Dreamer and Mondo high-five and celebrate. Grenier heads outside to check on his fallen partner, and the camera shows his T-shirt is stabbed with dozens of thumbtacks. Coach and Josh provide one final rundown of the Royal Rumble card before thanking us for joining them and telling us to go watch the Rumble.

LONDON (AFP) - US rap superstar Sean Combs must change his name once again after losing the right to call himself Diddy in Britain to a disgruntled little-known music producer.

Combs, 36, who used to call himself Puff Daddy, Puffy and P Diddy, agreed to pay more than 100,000 pounds legal costs and 10,000 pounds damages as part of a settlement sealed earlier this week at the High Court in London.

London-based Richard Dearlove, who has traded under the Diddy name since 1992, sued Combs after he dropped the P from his moniker, under laws designed to protect commercial interests from unfair competition.

"He changed his name to Diddy. I was gutted," Dearlove told The Guardian newspaper.

"I started getting emails from Puerto Rican girls asking if they could be in my video and people were asking me to look at their clothing line."

Combs, who presides over a vast media empire and fashion lines, and whose hits include "I'll Be Missing You", will now have to rebrand himself in Britain, which could prove costly.

Basically, yeah. The undersea creatures with a giant blowhole atop their head. Look, I never said I'd provide the love for them.

What? People are mentioning He-Man and not She-Ra?

And where's the love for Go-Bots, the Laffalympics, Snorks, and the rest of the "USA CARTOON EXPRESS~!"?

BUENOS AIRES, July 30 (Reuters) - Four players were sent off and a brawl in the tunnel delayed play for eight minutes during a match in Argentina's so-called Friendship Cup at the weekend.

Trouble broke out in the second half on Saturday evening after Gimnasia-La Plata striker Martin Cardetti and San Lorenzo defender Pablo Quatrocchi were red-carded for fighting.

The pair insulted each other as they entered the tunnel with players and officials from both benches then joining in along with Gimnasia security officials, leading to a brawl.

Argentine media reports said San Lorenzo coach Oscar Ruggeri was punched by a Gimnasia official during the fighting.

The teams, who play in first division, returned to the field to complete the game, which ended 0-0.

San Lorenzo finished with eight men as Diego Rivero had been sent off before halftime for a second bookable offence followed by Sebastian Mendez early in the second half.

The Friendship Cup is a warm-up for the Argentine season which starts next weekend.

"It was madness," Gimnasia coach Pedro Troglio told La Nacion newspaper. "I didn't expect anything like this. It was a bad way for a friendly to end."

The whole list is garbage. Go look at AFI's list -- ya know, where they interviews experts and people who do movies for a living -- for a much better list.

Though I'm sure there is a lot of fanboyism in these things, but you seem to suggest that just being a movie watcher isn't good enough to rate films.

Or basically, don't judge unless you are in the industry, which is pants.

The whole list is garbage. Go look at AFI's list -- ya know, where they interviews experts and people who do movies for a living -- for a much better list.

Hope: Huddersfield goes back to the First Division -- er, League Championship, sorry -- and officially erases all the damage done by Barry Rubery and Ick Wadsworth.

Fear: Huddersfield, disheartened by last season's playoff debacle, phones it in and goes back down, especially if Sadford does the trick.

oldskool said what I meant to say but didn't -- no, don't ask why what I said came out, I don't know either.

It's the same reason hockey and basketball declined in the 90s -- coaches became so obsessed with tactics and running set plays (don't get me started on the evils of the offside trap) that the players were being stifled. I mean, if you had a national football team with so much class at every position, would you insist they do 5 behind the ball, offside trap, 4-5-1, slow building play? Or would you say "I have the best athletes and the best players" and just let them go nuts? (Careful, Stevie Mac, your future may ride on your answer.)

Meanwhile, from the "maybe this game is catching on in the US" department:

NEW YORK (AFP) - Sunday's World Cup final in Berlin scored big with US television viewers, with nearly 17 million tuning in for the clash between France and Italy -- topping audiences for the NBA basketball finals.

According to preliminary data released by Nielsen Media Research, 11.9 million people watched live coverage of the final on the ABC network, while another five million chose the Spanish-language broadcast on the Univision channel.

The total represented an increase of more than 150 percent over the 2002 final, which was shown early in the morning, and around 30 percent over the 1998 tournament decider.

In a country where football is still considered something of a minority sport, Sunday's viewing figures compared favourably with those for high-profile US sporting events.

It was four million more than the average audience for last month's NBA finals between the Dallas Mavericks and the Miami Heat and not far away from the average 17.1 million that watched last year's baseball World Series.

Though, yes, the reason we don't get into it now is because its rules feel "stupid" to us while such amazing rules as the "tuck rule" and "infield fly rule" are just acceptable.

Longtime Sports Illustrated reporter Paul "Dr. Z" Zimmerman -- who is admittedly not a football fan, but has been a reporter on Yankee football for about 50 years -- sums up why most of America can't get into "soccer".

Picture this. Michael Strahan is tired of offensive linemen grabbing him, strangling him, chopping at his legs, talking never-ending trash, generally messing with him in fringe illegal methods and getting away with it. So he head-butts someone.

Will he get thrown out of the game? Probably not. He'll get a flag. But put him in the context of World Cup Football and the ridiculous grand opera tragedy it has become and he would not only get thrown out but a lifetime of greatness would be ruined -- at least for now.

Zinedine Zidane is not a flopper or a whiner or a moaner. I have never seen him pull one of those scenes from the last act of La Boheme, enacting his death tableau on the field after the merest brush of contact. I haven't seen him lying there at death's door while they go through with the most ridiculous of all dramas, the entry of the stretcher.

Imagine if the NFL were like that. Half a dozen stretchers called for during the course of the game, whereupon the nearly deceased leaps off it, shakes off the very fingers of the Evil One and trots back onto the field. Maybe Zidane was tired of all this, of this travesty, which rewards all the things that we were once taught were cowardly, but can be used to great advantage in this game.

So Zidane slammed a guy. He lost it. Writers all over the world are competing with themselves to heap scorn on France's greatest player. You know something? I don't blame him for getting sore. Almost every time I could find him on the screen, he had someone tugging at his shirt, tripping him or messing with him in some sneaky way.

The problem is he doesn't hit the canvas as the rest of those prima donnas do. So the ref must figure nothing is happening. Sure, he should have held off on the head butt, but to put the defeat of his team on his shoulders is a reach.

Bald heads = virility + headbutting powah of DOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM~!

Zidane had a running start, though, and it wouldn't surprise me if Materazzi were also moving forward. A collision like that, given the relative speeds, is enough to stagger Materazzi at the least. The bottom line, though, is that if Zidane did that in a non-football environment, he's getting arrested.

How much do you want to bet the shot of the referees getting medals is misinterpreted by at least one conspirator?

And Liam, do you recall how Australia flat-out MUGGED Holland in a friendly? That's what I mean.

Italy was the best team this Cup. I can't say they didn't deserve to win. And as for Australia getting a questionable penalty against them, I imagine Australia's reputation preceded them. Plus, as Matz said, Italy would've won that match in extra time -- even with 10 men, they looked better.

Forza Italia. Now all hell breaks loose domestically.

Just one Italian misses and it's back to level. This isn't over yet, GoGo.

It'd be a travesty if Italy won now.