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DICK - Dastardly Insane Championship Kombat Wrestling


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DICK Wrestling

Dastardly Insane Championship Kombat Wrestling

Back Story Part I - How DICK Came About

Well you were undoubtedly expecting this to be just another cheap rip-off of some long forgotten federation, buried under countless piles of WCW resurrections, TNA Success Stories and the return of Wrestling's Glory Days. Well ugh... Let me assure you, it probably is.

This is just another no-limits, no rules, anything goes, free-for-all, backyard federations which everyone knows will go absolutely nowhere. Well if you've got this far, you must be interested, so I'm not going to try to put any cheap humour in here, which no-one finds funny anyway. We are DICK Wrestling. Dastardly Insane Championship Wrestling. The single craziest, stupidest, most hardcore wrestling federation in North America.

And did I mention everyone in the freaking company is British? Did I mention that the government don't even know some of the owners live in this bastard country. It's true, as far as the government know 'Al', believed to be short for Alex (though possibly Alan), is back in his Yorkshire home after boarding a plane. Wrong. Stupid governments should really watch who gets on those planes. It was in fact an Illegal Immigrant, who Al threatened if he didn't board the plane, who was sent to, once again, illegally immigrate. For a guy with 10 GCSEs, you'd have thought he could have come up with a more reliable plan.

Well, the plan worked, I guess, even if the guy did lose 2 fingers and a huge chunk of his left leg climbing over a barbed wire fence. But Al doesn't really care about that, he's back in the United Kingdom as far as anyone knows, he's applied for immigration, anyway, so all should be fine. Well, as long as he doesn't get arrested any time soon.

Then again, this guy really is smart, and he has the business initiative, like I said, 10 GCSEs and one of those was a Business Studies GCSE. Of course, all the owners went to school together, and when Al and Matt were in a GCSE Business Studies class together, it is when the idea blossomed. They planned to open a wrestling fed when they were 16, along with some friends, unfortunately, it didn't quite happen like that, and they have been looking to set somewhere up for their business for 2 years, and then they came to America, but I'm getting side-tracked here.

Wait... I said some of the owners. Well that's just 1 person. And you're guessing it right, there is another, although ugh, I don't quite know how this is going to work in the long term. It's certainly not a well thought-out plan from Tom, not that it could be expected anyway. A former amateur Rugby Player, he'd have gone professional too, but I'll get to that later, and let's face it Rugby Players aren't necessarily the brightest sparks in the bulb.

But that's not all can be said about Tom, and his lack of intelligence, he is also a heavy alcoholic, imagine The Sandman out partying with Stone Cold, who's brought along James Storm and Scott Hall. Tom could drink twice the amount drunk, all night, there in, roughly, an hour. Well, that's an exaggeration because, remarkably, he's still in a decent shape from his rugby days, though let me assure you, this guy can drink. But let me explain his poor, yet somehow successful, ploy to the American Government...

It was about 2 months ago, late April, possibly Early-May, and Tom, somehow, had remained sober all night, but he had good reason. Believe me, for him to be sober, there must be a good reason. A damn good reason. There'd just been a meeting, Matt and Chris had their immigration approved, the other two had yet to apply. Al had already thrown out his idea, and was busy setting it up, and Tom was stuck, he couldn't think up any possible way to get away with living in the United States.

He was walking along and he saw his ticket right there in front of him, 'Almost Identical Clones', a little store hidden away in some grotty side-street. Tom, being the idiot he is, was inclined by this and immediately headed inside the store. Inside there was a man, a large black man, picture CJ from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but with dreadlocks. The man turned around and looked towards Tom and began to talk to him.

Man: "The Fuck you want?"

Tom: "Yeah, I was wondering, what you sell here, like?"

Man: "You come into my shop, and you don't even know what the fuck you came to buy? 'The fuck is up wit' you?"

Tom: "Well, your name got my attention, that's all really."

Man: "Oh yeah, and why the fuck is that?"

Tom: "Well, truth be known, I need to stay in America, I shouldn't be here after tomorrow."

Man: "Hm... That's odd, you don't look like no terrorist what normally comes in here."

Tom: "I aint no terrorist."

Man: "Then how the hell you find my shop, usually my contacts tell people to come down those streets, not revealing to them exactly what they looking for. But you, you just come in here, and want to know what I sell. Are you with the police? Because if you are, you should've done some research before coming here."

Tom: "Why?"

Man: "Because the last cop who tried to bust me is swimming down some river somewhere."

Tom: "Oh, well either way, I don't much give a shit, I aint no cop, I'm setting up a wrestling company over here, no market for that shit back home. But I need to stay in the country."

Man: "Wrestling, you say. You mean like gay men rolling around in trunks, rubbing themselves against each other."

Tom: "No, proper wrestling, barbed wire, light-tubes, naked chicks, live sex, you know, real wrestling."

Man: "You say you need to stay in this country?"

Tom: "Yeah."

Man: "Where you come from?"

Tom: "England, Britain. Used to play rugby for a team called Featherstone Rovers, was going to play for Wigan Warriors, professionally, but you know, shit happens."

Man: "Yeah, yeah I feel you."

Tom: "So can you help."

Man: "Depends what you want."

Tom: "Can you help me stay in the country?"

Man: "Sure, I can make you a clone."

Tom: "But how would it keep me in the country?"

Man: "Didn't you walk into my shop interested in a clone?"

Tom: "Yeah."

Man: "So why did you think a clone could help you stay in America?"

Tom: "I don't know."

Man: "I get the impression you don't know much. Listen man, all you got to do, is get this clone, stick a fake passport and plane ticket in his pocket, and wallah."

Tom: "I don't get it."

Man: "These things aint alive, I'm not fucking superman, but they do look like you. You leave them in a canal or some shit, no-one will ever know the passport and shit are fake, because they'll be smudged and blurry. All you do is kick it down the waterways tomorrow and you sorted man, the world thinks your dead."

And then it was done. Tom was dead two days later, his body lying in a canal with passport and ticked tucked safely away. And to think, there he was, in a car, heading north, while the heat died down and all he'd paid was 20,000 dollars. Oh did I tell you, that 20,000 dollars was all the company had left, yeah, he really is naturally stupid.

Meanwhile, there are two other owners, both of who are legal immigrants to the United States, thank the Lord. Chris and Matt. Both of these are quite intellectual individuals, added that Al is too means that Tom is pretty much an outsider, useful if they want to keep him out of discussions, they just use big words and he drifts away. Matt is some kind of insane daredevil, and he doesn't give a crap what he does as long as it gets him over. He'll take on the dumbest of gimmicks, hit the most insane of spots, and he couldn't care less. Chris on the other hand, he's a little bit more... Well, fat and nervous. He can't pull off any daredevil stunts because of his obesity and isn't charismatic and carefree enough to pull off some insane gimmick. Instead he's most likely to play a Mark Henry like fat-so gimmick. However, Chris is also slightly on the 'nerdy' side of things, he spent his entire life on the Internet playing a game some wrestling fans could have heard of. Extreme Warfare Revenge, something like that anyway, and in his mind, spending the best part of his teenage years conquering that game gives him the right to consider himself a good booker.

Back Story Part II - Tomorrow - Owner Details
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Back Story Part II - Owner Details

Well, I promised you all a new segment today, and here it is, a brief overview of the mental patients, sorry, I apologise, owners of DICK Wrestling. Well they have to be insane to name their main source of income after a male genital organ, correct?

Ugh, well they kind of did. Believe it or not 3 of the 4 owners are actually quite intelligent, yet they have the maturity levels of a 4 year old smacked up on cocaine. Well Tom practically is a 4 year old smacked up on cocaine, but that's getting completely off the topic.

Firstly, let's start with Chris. Chris weighs in a region of 250 pounds, has cheeks the size of a television set and is the largest of the group. At high school he was always one of the most popular people, and, despite his weight, he was also a hit with the ladies. And he was a computer nerd too. Yeah, go figure. And when you do, please tell the rest of us. The guy's impressions and voices are amazing, but his lack of charisma in front of more than his friends is what seriously lets him down. If he didn't go as red as a tomato when he talks to strangers, this guy would be the best thing since sliced bread.

Another thing which gets in the way of Chris, whilst, backstage, he is nice and friendly, he has an ego the size of Everest. He actually thinks he's a good wrestler and good on the stick, when in reality, he isn't. When things don't go his way, he isn't a happy bunny, and he lets it known. Very rare do things not go his way, however, as not too many people want to start a fight with the biggest guy on the roster.

The popularity has certainly got to Chris' head too, he is so over himself, he thinks he has the right to become champion and believe me, if he doesn't get what he thinks he deserves, stay out of his way. Booking a computer game for all his pubescent years has given him the belief that anyone can get over with a title belt around their waste and the bigger they are, the better.

Now, when I said Chris was a hit with the girls, you have to believe, he was. And given the fact he's now dating one of the two female 'wrestlers' on the roster, Louise, who we'll get to later.

Chris' Statistics:

Name: Chris

Short Name: Chris

Age: 17 (Turns 18 before the first show)

Birth Month: July

Finisher 1: Fat Body Drop - Ground

Finisher 2: Fat 'Flying' Crossbody - Top Rope

Nationality: British

Gender: Male

Weight: Heavyweight

Wage: $0

Speaks: Yes

Entrance Music: Nameless by Unstaind

Brawl: 8

Tech: 1

Speed: 3

Selling: 3

Stiffness: 18

Over: 0

Charisma: 2

Attitude: 10

Behaviour: 15

Checked Attributes: High Spots

And then there's Al, possibly short for Alan or Alex, you have to wonder about this young man, 10 GCSEs and he would have had a few A-Levels had he stayed in school instead of he and Matt going in pursuit of a place in the wrestling industry. At High School, Al was always cocky and thought he was more over with the females than he actually was. A sex-crazed lunatic, Al used to constantly pester the girls in his tutor group with ridiculous chat-up lines which were always unsuccessful. If it was alive and was female, he wanted it.

Ironically, the current proposal is for Al to play a character so different to his persona, it is unimaginable, a Jeff Jarrett-like woman-beater. Possibly one of the most charismatic workers on the roster, he will most certainly be one of the lead microphone workers, he is also believed to be doing commentary, how on earth that'll work, god only knows. He is also known to be very vocal about his opinions, and to him, kayfabe won't matter, as he'll just rip into whoever he likes. In fact, his finishing manoeuvres give so much away, one which is nothing more than a rip on Goldust, and another taking the mess out of the infamous WCW Title Change with the finger poke or possibly even Umaga.

Al, whilst training to be a professional wrestler, took up multiple martial arts, including karate and judo, he also had basic boxing and shoot-fighting training and is therefore ready for a fight in the centre of the ring, if and when needed.

Just a few more things of note about Al, he probably would have succeeded in a number of sports, including athletics, for medium distance running, and swimming. He can be a bit of an asshole backstage, but on the whole he is a team player, and will, unlike Chris, do the job without getting into too much of a fuss. He was one of the main sources of the $22,500, of which Tom spent the last $20,000, and was understandably unhappy with his old school friend for floundering so much hard-earned money on a silly plan.

There isn't too much more can be said about Al, he's a finely tuned athlete, he is somewhat jealous of Matt and Chris, as they both have attractive partners, whereas he has none, but tries to keep the envy discreet, so not as to burn any bridges. Also, he is not exactly quick-thinking when it comes to common sense, then again, neither are any of the other 3, particularly.

Al's Statistics:

Name: Al

Short Name: Al

Age: 18

Birth Month: March

Finisher 1: Finger Poke of Doom - Impact

Finisher 2: Kick in the Balls - Corner

Nationality: British

Gender: Male

Weight: Lightweight

Wage: $0

Speaks: Yes

Entrance Music: Fuel by Non-Metallica

Brawl: 1

Tech: 6

Speed: 2

Selling: 7

Stiffness: 7

Over: 0

Charisma: 15

Attitude: 16

Behaviour: 10

Checked Attributes: High Spots, Shooting Ability, Announcer

The third owner of interest goes by the name of Matt, married, yes even at such a tender age, to one of the hottest, and dirtiest, girls in wrestling, who also went to their school and is best friends with Chris' girlfriend, Louise. She goes by the name of Emma, but I'll get around to her and Louise soon enough.

Matt, much like Al, is a very intelligent young man, he only scored 9 GCSEs, though arguably he should have got another one had he not made a clinical error in his French exam, which made his entire exam, and 3 years of studying a subject he hated, worthless. To cut a long story short, his exam read "Hey James can I have a fuck", when it was supposed to say "Hey James can I have a beer", given the two words are rather similar, it is understandable, but comical all the same.

Matt was tailor-made for the wrestling business, particularly booking and promoting it. He had the requirements for all aspects of the wrestling industry, English, for the speaking, GCSE Physical Education, for the wrestling work, Media, for putting together an appealing show, and Business studies, for running the books. Along with Al, his best friend, Matt attended many fighting and martial arts classes, the same which were attended by Al.

Much like Al, Matt is charismatic, and can really work a crowd, wrestling was something he had dreamt of doing, ever since he was a little kid, however, he will not be providing commentary as the company appears to be opting for a one man announcing team for their product. Matt, along with Al, was one of the main sources of funds for the company, and he had been gathering funds for in excess of 2 and a half years, before he turned 16, working and working in an attempt to get the company off the ground, so imagine how irate he was to hear Tom had thrown $20,000 down the kitty.

As touched on before, Matt isn't scared of anything, he will play the most idiotic of roles, as is expected to happen, and he will perform any stunt as long as it gets the fans interested in the product and helps get him over. Matt also likes to shoot on a lot of companies, particularly the WWE, and a lot of the ideas which seem to take the piss out of WWE, will have been his ideas. For instance, his finisher's mimic Shawn Michaels.

Matt's Statistics:

Name: Matt

Short Name: Matt

Age: 18

Birth Month: November

Finisher 1: Top Rope Elbow Drop - Top Rope Standing

Finisher 2: Face Kick - Impact

Nationality: British

Gender: Male

Weight: Lightweight

Wage: $0

Speaks: Yes

Entrance Music: Devil by Unstaind

Brawl: 0

Tech: 9

Speed: 5

Selling: 20

Stiffness: 5

Over: 0

Charisma: 12

Attitude: 19

Behaviour: 26

Checked Attributes: High Spots, Shooting Ability, Announcer, Booker

And finally, there is perhaps the most complex of all characters, yes, even more complex than Chris, more complex than Al, and much more complex than Matt, it is of course, Tom, the man who could have been a rugby player, but instead decided to wrestle and drink beer. Oh and give away $20,000. Needless to say, this alcoholic isn't exactly Mr. Popularity nowadays, since he blew all the money on a ridiculous scheme, which I already explained.

Tom, though not popular right now, at High School, he was one of, if not the most popular boys in the entire school. All set to become a professional Rugby player with Wigan Warriors, he threw it all away when he heard his friends were moving to America to open a wrestling business, despite the fact he was never really into wrestling. Surprisingly he turned out quite a good wrestler, perhaps the most talented of them all, and despite his stupidity, is believed to be receiving the largest push out of the 4 of them.

His alcohol habit is expected to carry over 'on-screen' and he is to play the part of a baby face drunk, supposedly the company's top face, though it hasn't been confirmed just yet.

Tom, too, has a small history in shoot-fighting, as he won a competition to be trained by a Pride Fighter for a week, though he isn't particularly good at shoot fighting, he does have a small amount of experience, which is more than can be said for Chris, the only one with no fighting history.

As touched on previously, Tom is not exactly the brightest pea in the pod, he wasn't particularly born intelligent, and his alcohol abuse never helped that. Neither did the stereotype which accompanies a Rugby Player, and it's because of this that he's not always taken as seriously in the board room, and his ideas aren't accepted and used too often, simply because they are ridiculous.

Tom is the eldest of the 4 owners, by 2 days, but whoever said the 'Older the Wiser', clearly never met this group of people. He has little experience in anything useful for off-screen work, he never took Business Studies or any other subject which could be of use.

Tom's Statistics:

Name: Tom

Short Name: Tom

Age: 18

Birth Month: November

Finisher 1: Double Axe Handle - Top Rope Standing

Finisher 2: Neck Bite - Submission

Nationality: British

Gender: Male

Weight: Lightweight

Wage: $0

Speaks: Yes

Entrance Music: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Someone not called Nirvana

Brawl: 4

Tech: 6

Speed: 7

Selling: 3

Stiffness: 28

Over: 0

Charisma: 1

Attitude: 29

Behaviour: 29

Checked Attributes: High Spots, Shooting Ability

Well, that's the owners completed, but I did promise that I'd mention the two girls, Louise and Emma, so here goes.

Emma, as mentioned before, is married to Matt, and has been for the best part of a year, she is medium-short in height, approximately 5'7" and has long, sleek, blonde hair and brown eyes. She is a size 6 dress and has hazel coloured eyes, enough to turn any man on. She has a breast size of 34 DD, and loves to get them out of her bra whenever she can.

Louise, who for the past 18 months has been dating Chris, is significantly taller than Emma, approximately in the region of 5'11". Louise, however, isn't quite as thin as Emma and only fits into a size 8 dress, though she has more cleavage, with size 36 E breasts. Both women of course have perfectly natural boobs, and are willing to show how dirty they are whenever they feel like it.

Emma and Louise both attended the same school, same as the 4 owners, and moved to America at the same time that the boys did. The girls are well-known for being naughty and already have their own website www.LouiseandEmma.com, where they reveal all in a series of girl on girl videos and galleries. There's no doubt that Matt and Chris convinced Tom and Al to put these girls into the fed for the Sexual Appeal, and the way things are shaping up, it will be a very sexual show, with these two taking an important role in the company.

The team name for these two was designed by Matt and it is believed to be a knock on the WWE's Spirit Squad faction. The name... The Stripping Squad. Their music, almost identical to that of the Spirit Squad. Over time there is speculation that a few more 'revealing' females may be added to the roster either to team with or feud with the Stripping Squad.

Emma's Statistics:

Name: Emma

Short Name: Emma

Age: 18

Birth Month: October

Finisher 1: The Flash - Impact

Finisher 2: The Flash - Impact

Nationality: British

Gender: Female

Weight: Lightweight

Wage: $0

Speaks: Yes

Entrance Music: "EMMA!.... LOUISE!.... THEEEE STRIPPING SQUAD!" Followed by cheesy cheerleader music.

Brawl: 0

Tech: 0

Speed: 0

Selling: 0

Stiffness: 0

Over: 10

Charisma: 40

Attitude: 14

Behaviour: 14

Checked Attributes: Diva

Louise's Statistics:

Name: Louise

Short Name: Louise

Age: 18

Birth Month: May

Finisher 1: Penis Bite - Submission

Finisher 2: Penis Bite - Submission

Nationality: British

Gender: Female

Weight: Lightweight

Wage: $0

Speaks: Yes

Entrance Music: "EMMA!.... LOUISE!.... THEEEE STRIPPING SQUAD!" Followed by cheesy cheerleader music.

Brawl: 0

Tech: 0

Speed: 0

Selling: 0

Stiffness: 0

Over: 10

Charisma: 35

Attitude: 14

Behaviour: 14

Checked Attributes: Diva

So there you have it, the current roster for DICK Wrestling, now you may be wondering who the hell I am, well, let's just say, I'm a British Gal named Sophie. And I oversee everything that goes on in the company, I'm basically the Personal Assistant. I went to the same school as these guys, in fact, I'm close friends with Louise and Emma, though not close enough to take my top off on a pornographic video...

Oh and when I said there'd be no cheap humour that no-one finds funny.... I LIED!

Tomorrow - Back Story Part III - A Recap of April's 'Meeting'

Edited by - Matt -
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Back Story Part III - April's 'Meeting'

First Official Meeting of DICK Wrestling....

Date: April 9th 2006 - Time: 12:05 PM

Location: DICK Headquarters... A.K.A. Cranford, New Jersey, Men's Public Toilets

A sign has been hung on the toiler door reading "Out of Order", meanwhile inside sit the 4 owners of DICK and me, the personal assistant, Sophie. The 4 guys are each sat down on some object, Chris sat on a urinal, Matt on a sink, Al on a bin and Tom, well Tom was lying on the urine-covered floor. Note to self: don't go near him today... Me, I was stood up, feeling it was more hygienic than sat on objects covered in male bodily waste... Call me crazy.

Matt: Sophie and Gentlemen, welcome to the first ever meeting of DICK Wrestling.

Al: This isn't the first meeting.

Matt: No, but it's the first official meeting.

Al: What makes it official?

Matt: Ugh... It's our first since becoming an official company.

Chris: But we aren't an official company.

Matt: Yeah... So?

Chris: Well then why is this meeting official?

Matt: I don't fucking know. OK, I tell you what, we'll do things properly.

Chris: Sounds good to me.

Al: And me...

Sophie: Me too.

Matt: Tom?

Tom: Yeah whatever, hurry up, the bars open in half an hour's time...

Typical Tom, beer before business.

Sophie: Well if we're doing it officially, we should elect a spokesperson who's in charge of the meeting.

Matt: Well I think we all know who that'll be...

Cocky asshole, always has been to be honest, I'd love to see it come back to bite him in the ass sometime.

Al: Too right we do.

Tom: Yeah... Yeah...

Chris: Amen to that. So Sophie what you wanna talk about first?

Matt: HUH!?

Speak of the devil.

Matt: Sophie?

Chris: Why, who were you thinking of?

Matt: Well I don't know.

Al: Yeah man, I mean, Chris is too biased to run this thing and...

Chris: Oh aye? Since when have I been biased?

Al: And Tom's too stupid.

Tom: What you say man?

Al: See?

Sophie: Now quiet Al, stop making arguments for no good reason. Tom, go back to thinking about... Well whatever is running through your mind... If anything is in your mind that is.

Slight chuckles are heard around the room.

Sophie: Now, let's do this thing properly. All in favour of me, Sophie, being in charge of this meeting say 'Aye'...

Chris: Aye.

Al: Aye, Aye.

Tom: I... I...

Sophie: Great, oh and Matt?

Matt: Aye, whatever.

Sophie: You don't sound pleased Matt...

Tom: I...

Matt: I don't want to come off like a dick.

Yeah, my ass you don't.

Matt: But I did stick a lot of money into this project.

Al: Yeah, but so did I.

Matt: I just thought I deserved to run this meeting.

Tom: I...

Sophie: Maybe you do, but think about it this way, you're an on-screen character, you're clearly going to be biased towards yourself and your character. Me, I simply oversee everything which goes on in the company and I am not biased towards any of the 4 of you.

Al: I could change that for you.

Another note to self, watch what you're saying and make sure he can't turn it into a 'chat-up line'.

Sophie: No thank you darling,

Al: Tomorrow gorgeous...

If tomorrow never comes... Hopefully I'll never find out how much he loves me...

Sophie: Moving swiftly on...

Tom: I nee...

Chris: Something Matt said earlier, are we going to become an official company?

Sophie: And how do you suppose we do that?

Chris: What you mean?

Sophie: Half of the owners aren't meant to be in this country, at least not yet.

Matt: Speaking of which, did you guys sort that?

Al: Huh huh, I got some guy to take my place, when my immigration is granted, our Will's going to fill in the forms and shit, and then send any needed documentation to you, hidden within some other package of course.

Matt: Well sounds simple enough and you Tom?

Tom: Ugh... Yeah I'm sorted. But I...

Chris: So we're all sorted, next on the agenda Sophe'?

Tom: Really, I...

Sophie: OK, let's get down to business.

Chris: Shouldn't we do the memos from the last meeting?

Tom: I nee...

Sophie: Chris... This is the first meeting.

Chris: Only the first OFFICIAL meeting, we have had other meetings.

Sophie: Did you make memos Chris?

Chris: No.

Sophie: Well I doubt anyone else did either.

Tom: Hey guy...

Chris: Point taken.

I think they're just trying to draw this out as long as they possibly can. We've been in here 5 minutes and so far nothing has been discussed.

Sophie: Right... The money.

Chris: Now we talking.

Sophie: We started with $22,500 and what have we bought?

Matt: Ring, $500.

Sophie: $22,000 then.

Chris: Assortment of weapons, ladders, chairs, and so on.

Sophie: How much was that?

Chris: Not too sure.

Al: I think we decided it was just under $250, but it should be enough to last us for a few years.

Chris: If we get that far.

Matt: Of course we will.

Tom: I real...

Sophie: So that's $21,750 we got left.

Matt: Ugh... Renting the park, license to run a wrestling show and all that.

Sophie: And that costs?

Matt: Lifelong license for all 4 of us, and a 12 year rental of the park, I got that as $1,500 down the kitty.

Sophie: So that means we still have $20,250 left, that's still quite good going, we should be able to get some good workers for that.

Chris: Well actually...

Oh dear god, please don't tell me he doesn't want to hire any workers. I know he thinks he should be world champion, but God alone knows we can't run a successful federation with these 4 and a couple of Porn Stars.

Chris: I got us a referee...

Sophie: I thought last time we agreed, no staff.

Chris: Yeah, but this guy is an old friend of mine.

Sophie: I have some old friends, but I didn't hire them as commentators.

Chris: Relax will you, he's doing it for nothing.

Sophie: Oh.

I feel kinda stupid now... Wait, hold on.

Sophie: So how does that affect our balance?

Chris: I gave him $250 up front for it.

Sophie: Oh fair enough then, I guess. But can I ask, why is he doing it for free.

Chris: No real reason.

Somehow I knew there was a reason.

Chris: His name is Juan (Pronounced Hwan), he's Mexican.

Sophie: I thought you said he was an old friend of yours.

Chris: Duh, the Internet, you can talk to people all over the world.

There was a sense of uneasiness in the room over the fact that Chris had hired someone as a referee and no-one had ever met him and no-one knew if he was actually going to show up or not. Brilliant.

Sophie: Out of interest, how do you know him?

Chris: Duh, he was on an efed, and efed which I was the best at by the way.

Sophie: Woah, rewind... E-fed?

Somehow I wish I'd just nodded and agreed.

Chris: Ah well, it's an online-based competition set up like a real life federation, with championships and all that. And you like, win matches by roleplaying, cutting a promo basically, against your opponent. Whoever does the best roleplaying at the end of the week is the winner of the match, and if you keeping winning matches you'll get a title shot. If you then win that match you're the champion.

Matt: So basically you've hired a guy who can pretend to be Earl Hebner?

Chris: No... Silly. He didn't play Earl Hebner, that'd be stupid.

Thank God for that, at least the guy has some sense.

Chris: He played Razor Ramon Hard Gay.

Dear... Fucking... God.

Sophie: Let's just get back on track, or something vaguely resembling it.

Al: Aye... Fucking... Aye.

Tom: I nee...

Sophie: So that's $20,000 we have left, that seems good enough to me, we can hire a few workers for that.

Al: I think we should sign some Japanese guys like Keiji Mutoh...

Chris: Al, I don't think the Great Muta wants to come to DICK Wrestling. Hard Gay, yes, the name would appeal to him, but Muta no.

Matt: So who do you suggest Chris?

Chris: Not too sure really, perhaps we could hire some 3PW and XPW alumni.

I knew our product was going to be risky in the extent of sexuality, but come on, does he want us to turn into Garbage Wrestling.

Al: Absolutely not, I don't mind us being a little bit hardcore, but we're not going to be having death-matches.

Tom: I...

Matt: I agree.

Sophie: Sorry Chris, me too.

Chris: OK, OK, well how about Liberty Kid and Hypnosis?

Matt: Any need for both?

Chris: Why?

Matt: Well I dunno, if they don't get over, that's two talents wasted.

Chris: We can't really just sign one of them.

Al: Well how about someone else then?

Chris: Such as?

Al: Well... There's that Shawn Stylez guy, yeah, he's a top worker, top charisma, but can't catch a break.

Seems too good to be true.

Al: Only thing is, it's British, with the 6 active workers already being British, I don't see that working out too well.

Back to square one, again.

Tom: Listen up guys, I really...

Chris: Canadian guy, goes by the name of Lil' C. Bit on the pricey side though, $5,000 per appearance.

Sophie: Hell no. Unless this guy is the next Kurt Angle, we aint paying that kind of money.

Al: Paul Hudson.

Matt: We aint hiring the weatherman for BBC Yorkshire News.

Al: Not THAT Paul Hudson, you ass.

Chris: I know who you mean Al, but I dunno, he's got a bit of a bad rep.

Sophie: So there is no-one we want, that we can afford, that's not hated by Internet smarks that isn't British?

Chris: You just described someone who doesn't exist.

Now really isn't the time for sarcasm.

Sophie: Guys, our first show is July 22nd, we need 1) A name for it and 2) Some fucking wrestlers. No-one is going to pay to see you 4 and 2 Porn Stars stripping.

Matt: I resent that term, they're not Porn Stars, they're just trying to get us some cash and some audience.

Sophie: Horny teenagers and sexually frustrated men?

Al: You just described the wrestling key demographic.


The room instantly fell silent as Tom yelled that out. For a moment my mind froze, and then I realised what he said and my heart jolted, I turned, as did everyone and the expression on every face in the room, other than Tom's, was fury.

Al: You... Did... What?

Tom: I spent Twenty Thousand Dollars faking my death.

I'm about to wake up, I know it...

Matt: Again... What?

Tom: I spent Twenty Thousand Dollars faking my death.

Yeah, OK, right, ugh. I think my ears are playing tricks on me...


Tom: That's what I said.

Sophie: Meeting adjourned.

The great fucking moron.

Chris: Sophe', we aint decided on anything yet.

Sophie: Decided on anything? We've got no fucking money! We can't hire any workers! We're ruined and we haven't even fucking started.

Matt: Sophe', I wouldn't say we're ruined.

Sophie: Have you got any better fucking ideas?

The room was once again silent, at that moment I headed toward the door, glancing an evil look towards Tom as I did so.

Sophie: I'm going to KFC... And I'm going to buy whatever I want, and I'm going to think of the most painful way possible to kill you...

Al: I'll join you baby.

That was the fucking line. I turned around, walked over to Al who was coming towards me and I slapped him.

Sophie: Not now, not... Fucking... Ever!

And then I was gone.

Tomorrow - Back Story Part IV - May's 'Meeting'
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Back Story Part IV - May's 'Meeting'

How on Earth did they drag me into this?

Date: May 9th 2006 - Time: 15:00 PM

Location: DICK Headquarters... A.K.A. Cranford, New Jersey, Men's Public Toilets

The sign was hung on the men's public rest-rooms, I glanced around to make sure no-one saw me heading to the public toilets, like I'd risk getting seen inside men's toilets... Out of order ones for that matter. As I headed into that 'office', I couldn't help but wonder, how on earth they convinced me to come here after last time. Then the phone call came back to me...

Matt: Hey Sophie, I know you're really pissed off, I know that you were excited about running a professional wrestling company, but come on, who wasn't? We're all pissed off. If you'd please pick up the phone, because I know you're listening, just hear me out, you don't need to make any promises.

And in that moment of stupidity I answered and let him convince me into coming back, somehow I knew I was to regret it.

Matt: So come on Sophe', it might not be ideal, but it could just work, we've already blown the money, so what's the point living in the past, we might as well just go for it, if we fail, we fail, but there's a chance we can succeed. But if we don't try, we know we're going to fail and all the money has been wasted, not just most of it.

I couldn't argue with mentality like that, and now, 2 days later and 30 days since the last meeting, I'm heading back toward a public piss-hole. Brilliant.

I stepped into that office and the first face I saw was that of Al.

Sophie: Hey Al, sorry about hitting you. I was mad.

Al: It's OK, Sophe', would you like to seal the apology with a meeting with Big Daddy?

Sophie: Sure...

Al: Really?

Sophie: ...As hell no.

Should I feel cruel for that? Probably. Did I feel cruel for that. Fuck no.

Tom: Hey guys...

All the heads turned towards Tom and the same evil glances as before looked at him.

Tom: I just wanna say, I'm really, really sorry. I mean really. And to prove I'm sorry, I'll not drink ever again.

Sophie: No need for that?

Tom: Really?

Sophie: Nah.

Tom: Thank fuck for that.

Sophie: In fact, Tom, I think you're going to get a bigger push than what you were originally going to get.

Well, that's rumbled the waters somewhat.

Tom: What?

Matt: What?

Chris: What?

Al: You gotta be kiddin' me?

Oh no, this was no joke, I had plans for him... Big plans.

Sophie: Seriously. Just to prove there's no hard feelings. Perhaps you don't deserve it after what you have done, but I've been thinking and this could actually work. Now, when's our first show scheduled for?

Chris: July 22nd.

Sophie: And what do we have to do by then?

Al: Well we need title belts.

Sophie: Plural?

Al: Problem with that?

Sophie: We have 6 workers, only 4 of those are wrestlers.

Al: Planning for the future, that's all.

Sophie: Stick with one belt for now.

Tom: Ugh guys...

What now?

Tom: I already got a title belt.

Chris: You did?

Al: Huh?

Tom: Yeah, it was the least I could do.

Al: So where is it?

Tom: It's in the flat, shall I go get it.

Matt: Please.

With that Tom left and left the others to discuss plans.

Matt: Hey Sophie, you can't seriously be considering giving him a push like that, can you?

Al: Yeah, it's stupid.

Chris: I know, I love you and all Sophe', but that isn't one of your better ideas.

Al: After what he's done.

Matt: Precisely.

Sophie: Guys, listen up. It's not as bad as it sounds. I don't wanna tell you guys too much, it'll ruin the surprise, but let me assure you, the show is going to end in a bang.

Chris: Screw job?

Sophie: We're in Cranford, New Jersey, not Montreal damn it.

Matt: So what's with a bigger push? I mean he was supposed to get a decent push before anyway.

Al: Yeah, what gives babe?

Sophie: 1, never call me 'babe' and 2, like I said, there's going to be a swerve he doesn't see coming.

That much was for sure.

Chris: Anyway, how's the show going to work out?

Al: I was thinking we start up with a promo from the girls. Sound good Sophie?

Sophie: Possibly, but the show isn't too important right now.

Matt: It isn't?

Sophie: Nope.

Matt: So what is important?

Sophie: Finances.

Al: We haven't got any, so that's that out of the way.

Sophie: Oh yeah, so you think we're going to manage with none forever?


Matt: She's right you know.

Al: So what you got in mind?

Sophie: Sponsors.

Chris: Well Sophie, I don't know if we can get too many sponsors.

Sophie: I'm sure some porn sites would love to be featured in our show.

Al: Wouldn't that compete with LouiseandEmma.com?

Matt: By the way, Emma says you still need to pay for another month's membership.

Al: Cheers for reminding me.

Why did I bring up porn?

Chris: Well, I tell you what Sophe, I'll check out the local papers over the next couple of weeks and I'll go on a few forums and see if anyone's interested.

Al: Forums?

Chris: Internet message boards where a group of users come together and discuss certain topics.

Wow, that makes so much sense, this is what billions of pounds of research has come to? The same thing we had 10 years ago on our telephones. A connection to more than one person at the same time. What is the world coming to?

Al: Was this where you met your referee bloke guy?

Chris: Yeah.

Al: Oh and on the subject of staff, we need a road agent.

Matt: Why?

Chris: Obvious isn't it. We need to monitor the overness of certain wrestlers along with their moral and other attributes.

Matt: Now it makes so much sense.

Chris: No need to use that tone of voice.

All I need, a fight between Cyber-Boy and the Sarcastic Asshole.

Sophie: No need for arguments you two.

Chris: We weren't arguing.

Matt: I was.

Sophie: I said no arguments.

Chris: Technically you said no need for arguments.

I could swing for him.

Al: Just shut up Chris.

For once, I'm glad he spoke.

Al: Let the hot lady talk...

Can I retract the last comment.

Sophie: Right, I'll be the Road Agent.

Chris: You?

Sophie: Yes me.

Matt: Surely it'd be easier to hire someone else, don't want you working too hard, Sophe'.

Al: Yeah, you got to save some for...

Sophie: Don't even say it. And Matt, what money do you plan on hiring someone with?

That shut him up. Both of them. Talk about 2 birds and one stone.

Sophie: Besides, I think I can bring a worker in, so I'd rather we spent money on workers than staff.

Matt: Who's the worker?

Sophie: Now if I told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise.

Chris: How much is he?

Sophie: Not too sure yet. Let's say... 2 grand a month.

Al: Can we afford that?

Sophie: I fucking hope so.

Al: Do we need any writers?

Sophie: Thought you guys were writing.

Al: Yeah, but...

Sophie: Look, we can't afford to hire anyone.

Chris: Um...

Matt: What?

Chris: Well didn't James get a job in TV writing?

Matt: James T?

Chris: Yeah.

Everyone seemed to stop and consider it for a moment.

Sophie: Chris, call him, see if he's interested.

Chris: Can I borrow someone's phone?

Matt: What's wrong with yours.

Chris: No credit.

Of course, no credit, the excuse of anyone who wants a free phone call, nonetheless I passed him my phone. Lord knows how much a call to a UK mobile phone is going to cost me. Hold on...

Al: Chris, haven't you got a contract phone.

Beat me to it.

Chris: Ugh... Not anymore. New phone.

Chris quickly flashed the phone, I barely saw it, but I could tell it was the same one as before, lying bastard. Everyone knew the same, but for the sake of not arguing with the toughest guy here, no-one argued. Chris took the phone and walked over to the other side of the 'office' as he awaited an answer on the other end.

Sophie: So... Hopefully that's that sorted... Only thing left to sort out is the show name.

Matt: Any ideas yet?

Sophie: Nah, I came up with a few but I don't like them at all.

Matt: Spill, perhaps I'll like 'em.

Sophie: Baring in mind this keeps in the theme of your WWE rip-off... Outsurrection, Below the Edge, Great Australian Bash...

Al: No offence, but I don't like any.

Sophie: None taken, I don't like them either.

Matt: What events do WWE hold around June/July time?

Sophie: Vengeance, Badd Blood, One Night Stand

Matt: One Day Stand? Nah that's shit.

Al: Goodd Blood?

Sophie: What?

Al: Goodd Blood. With 2 d's.

As cheesy as that was, I liked it, and with the grin on Matt's face, I could see he did too.

Sophie: Seems like it's set then, Goodd Blood, 22nd of July, the first ever show from DICK Wrestling. Featuring one of the first 2 contenders for the DICK Championship. And just in time too...

At that time Tom comes in clutching something in a bag and he has a smile on his face.

Sophie: Come on then, let's see this championship you bought us.

Matt: Yeah Tom, let's see it.

Tom: OK guys, here goes.

Al: Tom, you drunk?

Tom: I had a can or 6 whilst I was at the flat... Anyway.

Tom shakes off the bag and to everyone's confusion he pulls out....

IPB Image

The WWE Spinner Championship

Sophie: That's the WWE Spinner title... Do you want a lawsuit?

Al: HA, HA, HA!

Matt: Please tell me this is a joke.

Tom: You're all right guys, it's not a real one, it's a replica.

Enter Captain Obvious.

Sophie: That's not the point, do you not think anyone's going to recognise it?

Tom: We can afford some black tape, can't we?

Dear lord, we're making the new hardcore title, except this is our world title.

Al: Well, we might as well keep it, for comedy factor if nothing else. Besides, I have a white permanent marker, I can write the letters of DICK on it.

Matt: We're going to get sued... We're going to get sued... We're going to get sued.

Tom: Relax guys, you're not expecting Vince McMahon to come watch us, are you?

The guy has a point, but still, this is a joke.

Al: Right, we have a belt, a show name...

Tom: We have a show name.

Matt: Goodd Blood, with 2 d's.

Sophie: We also have a referee, we should get some sponsors and unless I'm mistaken we have a road agent, correct?

Matt: Yeah, you, if you insist.

Sophie: Good. Now all we need is that writer.

And at that time Chris turns around and beeps the phone off and smirks.

Chris: And we have a show writer, he's accepted.

Sophie: In which case, meeting... Adjourned.

And that was it for another month where we'd make the final plans for the first show which we now know is on July 22nd and is called Goodd Blood.

Tomorrow - Back Story Part V - The Final Chapter, June's Meeting
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Back Story Part V - June's 'Meeting'

13 Days left...

Date: June 9th 2006 - Time: 19:00 PM

Location: DICK Headquarters... A.K.A. Cranford, New Jersey, Men's Public Toilets

Only 13 days are remaining until Goodd Blood and there's still very little planned out for the show ahead. Heading toward the men's toilets, I thought to myself about the various ideas which had crossed my mind over the 30 days since we last met. Entering that room, I saw some excited faces as they looked toward me and clearly, much like me, they had ideas for the show. And I was ready to hear them.

Sophie: Hey guys.

Matt: Hey Sophe'.

Al: Hey gorgeous.

Tom: You bring beer?

Chris: Hey Sophie.

For once I wasn't angered by Al's perverted nature, nor Tom's lust for beer.

Sophie: OK, let's just cut straight to business, I can see from the look on your faces that you are bursting with ideas, and you aren't the only ones, so everyone can say what they want to say about Goodd Blood.

Matt: Well if I could go first, I think I should do a huge spot, possibly off a ladder onto my opponent.

Chris: I think I should be in the number one contenders match.

Al: I think we should have the girls nude with the title covering their parts. Or you know, just leave the title.

Tom: I think we should have a beer drinking competition, an open challenge, see if anyone can out-drink me.

Chris: No-one could ever out drink you.

Tom: Meh. Pass me a Guinness.

I better step in before this gets any more off topic.

Sophie: Guys, listen, can we try and think of ideas that don't revolve around us?

Al: OK, OK, how's about we go for an opening segment with one of the baby faces in the ring, introducing the show and you know, general shit, and making sure everyone knows about the number one contenders match later that night.

Sophie: Possibly. Any other ideas for a show opener?

Matt: A match possibly with a hardcore spot.

Chris: And give the impression we're yard-tards from the word go?

Sophie: I actually kinda like the idea of a match to kick us off, but not the spot, I agree that's going to make us look bad.

Chris: Exactly, just straight wrestling, no bullshit.

Al: But we're definitely not going to be puro-resu.

Tom: The fuck is pusu-rero?

Go back to drinking beer, please.

Chris: Puro-resu. Pure wrestling. I'm a big fan of it.

Tom: Well we aint doing it then. Besides, none of us can wrestle good.

Well, moron.

Sophie: As grammatically incorrect as Tom is, he's right, pure wrestling won't get over in the United States, nay, anywhere. Just look at Ring of Honor. When was the last time they were the number one ranked promotion in wrestling? Never. No-one buys a show like that, certainly not with no name.

Chris: I wasn't suggesting we went pure wrestling, I just don't think we should go garbage wrestling.

Sophie: Agreed. Now about an opening match, any suggestions?

Al: Well, possibly me taking on the two girls, solidify my gimmick as a misogynist.

Sophie: Problem is Al, we have no build up, it seems a bit of a random move to make.

Matt: How's about Chris vs. Al?

Sophie: Why such a random match?

Matt: Why not?

Chris: Doesn't that mean you're going to be in the number one contenders match?

Sophie: Doesn't matter, I have the main event planned, even if you've already been in a match, if you're scheduled for the main event, you're in it. Any way, any more ideas for an opening segment?

Chris: OK, I got one. Chat-show hosted by Matt, or maybe someone else, introducing the entire roster.

Al: Seems a bit of a waste of a segment.

Sophie: Right, I have a few ideas for the opening segment. Oh, by the way, does anyone have the belt issue sorted?

Al pulls something from underneath him.

Al: Took it home, taped it up and edited it slightly.

IPB Image

Well this is fucking brilliant, mind you, it's effective enough.

Matt: Looks great... Sort of.

Tom: Hey, is that a beer?

Too drunk to make out objects.

Sophie: No Tom, it's the championship belt.

Tom: Oh right, cheers Al.

Do I look like a bloke?

Al: Dude, you're pissed out of your mind.

Sophie: Leave him, he'll sober up sooner or later.

Chris: Hey Sophe', how much are we charging to get in to the show.

Sophie: Jack shit. It's free.

Chris: HUH!?

Matt: How do you plan to make money?

Sophie: Relax, it's one show only. Next month it'll be 5 bucks.

Chris: Per person?

Sophie: Naturally.

Al: Hey Chris, whatever happened with the sponsors?

Chris: Oh yeah, I completely forgot to tell you guys. I got us 4 sponsors, Chart Wars, Manton Fazel, Title Histories dot com and WWN DVD dot com.

Sophie: That's good, and how much do we earn per month from them?

Chris: Combined, $17,000.

I felt the spirits soar through the roof.

Al: That's brilliant.


Chris: Yeah it's great news, I was ecstatic, I wasn't expecting more than $10,000.

Sophie: Let's work this out, my worker I was talking about hiring costs us $2,000 per month, that's us back down to $15,000.

Matt: Emma and Louise are a grand a piece.

Sophie: $13,000, and both Juan and James are $1,000, so that gives us 11 grand we got spare to flash.

Matt: Jack up the production values perhaps?

Sophie: Nope, we'd need to hire it beforehand. Way I see it, we have 3 choices, 1) Save the money for a while. 2) Jack up the advertising, which would cost $10,000 per month to get to 1%. Or 3) Hire a couple of workers and keep the rest. So what'll it be.

The rooms went silent for a moment.

Matt: I think hire a couple of workers.

Chris: Yeah, but who, besides, it's kinda short notice.

Sophie: I agree Chris, but someone will be willing to work, surely.

Al: Chris, got your laptop handy?

Chris: As always...

Chris removes his cheap laptop from the carry case planted next to him and immediately draws up a website with a list of all the workers.

Chris: Give me some specifics for workers.

Sophie: Minimum wage cap, I think that's under 5k.

Tom: Hire Hogan man, he's the man! Matt, dude, when did you become a chick?

Sophie: That's me you ass, and we aint hiring Hogan.

Tom: Oh man, sorry Britney.

The fuck is he smoking?

Al: Try under 10 overness, they can't outshine us too much.

Chris: And I'll go for a maximum age of 21.

Matt: And Americans only, we need some, seeing as you know, we're based in the States.

Chris types the specifics into his computer and hits the enter button, he then looks at us slightly nervously.

Chris: We got approximately 100 options here.

Matt: Well have a quick glance through, see who you like.

Chris: Hold on, shall I change it to just men?

Sophie: Sure.

Chris: And weight?

Sophie: Heavyweight at first, go to lightweights after if needed.

Chris types some more things into his computer and then smiles, as if satisfied.

Chris: Dude, much better, only 11 now.

Sophie: Good, anyone interesting?

Chris: 2 actually, one's a guy called Axis IWF, at 3 grand a pop, he seems OK to me.

Sophie: Sounds good, thinking about bringing him in?

Chris: Possibly, and here's the other. Name of Jethro, slightly more promising than the Axis guy but $5,000 a show.

Sophie: OK, bare that in mind guys, but search the lightweights now.

Chris types something else into his computer before giving an update.

Chris: There's about 30 people here, I'd say that's kinda too many, I think we should probably narrow down the specifics some more. Maximum overness is 4, sound good to everyone?

Sophie: Sure, what the heck.

Chris: Hypnosis, as mentioned last week, but we should really bring in Liberty Kid too, if we're bringing him in.

Sophie: OK, we'll consider those for a future time, but not now, I don't see the need for hiring 2 workers that are so similar.

Chris: Now there's a bloke called Buck Child, I've heard of this guy vaguely. He works for a cheap price, $3,000. And then there's Tsunami, he's an all-round great worker, but a bit on the pricey side of our wage cap at $4,000.

Sophie: Hum.... Well I think I'll go home and check these guys out in more detail, and who knows who I might hire to appear at Goodd Blood in 2 weeks time.

Al: Oh by the way, I printed off some fliers we can stick around town, drop by my flat and pick 'em up some time.


Al: Oh and remind him when he's sober.


Drunken nutter.

Chris: Oh guys, in case you'd like to know, my sources tell me we could be heading towards a boom period, which is only good for us, as it means people are going to be interested in wrestling at all levels.

Sophie: That's great news, somewhat ensures our long term future.

Al: Hey, I've been thinking about show names for the next few shows and how about Not Much Mercy and SpringSlam?

Sophie: I suppose they're OK, but we could kind of do with one for the August pay per view.

Matt: Don't WWE run Unforgiven at around that time?

Al: Forgiven, perhaps?

Chris: Sounds a little cheesy don't you think?

Matt: Any idea what TNA are running?

Chris: Hard Justice.

Matt: Moderately-Hard Justice?

Al: So pathetic... I love it.

A couple of chuckles broke out and I sensed the meeting was almost coming to a close.

Sophie: Well guys, I have to go, I mean, love you and all, but I haven't eaten yet and it's gone half seven, I'm starving.

Matt: Me too.

Chris: And I.

Al: Aint eaten since lunchtime.

Tom: Let's Go Sabin, Fallen Angel, Let's Go Sabin, Fallen Angel.

I smiled and turned to the sober members of the group.

Sophie: Group meal at a restaurant?

Matt: What about Mr. Alcohol?

Sophie: He'll wind up in some crack den or other by the morning. Come on, let's go.

And with that we all left, leaving Tom staggering about trying to find his way out, if that's indeed what he was doing. Little did I know, leaving him was going to come back to bite us all in the ass.

Next - First Show - Live from Cranford Park, Cranford, NJ - DICK presents Goodd Blood
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All credit for the idea of a Backyard Wrestling Diary goes to C-MIL, writer of the best Backyard Diary to ever hit the Diary Dome, FUSE. However, even though the vast majority of the inspiration to write such a diary comes from C-MIL, I must say, I do not intend to blatantly plagerise his shows and storylines, whilst some similar elements may be used in future, I would hope he would see that as a compliment, and not an attempt to out-write him, because that simply isn't possible. I hope everyone reading enjoys the show which follows and doesn't simply label the diary a worthless immitation, though if you do, that is your choice. Thanks for reading.

One of the worker names was taken from the Names Thread in the EWR forum, so credit to whomever supplied that name.

And Now... Live from Cranford Park...

DICK Wrestling Presents...

Goodd Blood

At a guess, I'd say there are approximately 5 people here tonight, and by approximately, I mean there are. Everyone's here, and my special guest is waiting on standby just across the road, in fact, I can see him from where I'm stood. Wait, everyone isn't here, where's Tom. Oh god.

Sophie: Ugh... Anyone seen Tom today?

Al: No.

Chris: No.

Matt: Nah-uh. Aint seen him since the meeting.

Al: Nor I for that matter.

Sophie: This is worrying, has anyone seen him since the meeting?

Chris: Well I haven't.

Oh dear god. I was going to stick him in the main event. He was going to get jobbed out to my surprise guest. I mean, it's hardly the end of the world, but still... It isn't ideal. He best show up, and soon, I don't want to have to rebook the entire show.

Chris: Fans are getting impatient, I think we better put on a match.

Al: I agree. Wanna go out there?

Yes, I'm only booking the show, feel free to go ahead and do what the hell you like, just make impromptu matches, whatever.

Sophie: OK, when I give the signal, Al, hit Chris with the brass knucks.

Chris: Love it, dramatic kick-out, make them think I'm gone and then bam, I get back up and hit the fat body drop.

Sophie: Actually, no, I was thinking you just take the pinfall.

Chris: But why? That's stupid, that's not what the fans want.

Sophie: You're both heels, they don't want either of you.

Al: Then why have the match?

Sophie: You two decided to book it!

Fucking hell.

Sophie: Hey Juan, get over here, you know what to do right?

Juan: Yez, yez, I make tree count during any pinfall or soobmission.

Eh, close enough.

Sophie: Sure, and by the way, Al is the winner, he gets a 3 count.

Juan: Yez, yez, I make sure he win.

Al: And after send the girls out, and I'll do a segment with them, and then do the commentary for the rest of the night.

He really hasn't realised, there isn't much need for commentary, but whatever, it'll be fine, it keeps him happy and is one less person to be pissed off backstage, now to queue their music.

Sophie: See the stereo, Emma? Do me a favour and put number 11 on and jack up the volume, it's Chris' music.

Al vs. Chris - Opening Contest:

Em... I really don't know what to say about this match, I mean, yeah, I never expected it to be Flair/Steamboat quality... Hell, I didn't expect it to be JBL/Batista quality, but this really took the stuffing. They both got on the microphones and introuduced themselves whilst their music was playing, but before they came out to the crowd, even though chances are they could all see them anyway. Chris' constant lack of selling and belief that he was the greatest wrestler ever, and most importantly immune to getting a bit of a beating, really screwed this match up. Al tried some technical moves, albeit not too many, and not perfected brilliantly, but it was far better than Chris' stiff punches which at one point bloodied Al. I could see that Al was infuriated and wanted to start a shoot-fight, but this was the first match in our fed, and to be honest, I wish I'd started with a different one. I quickly signalled to Al and Chris to end the bout and Juan, the useless referee that thinks you make a count for a submission hold, yes he actually did that, made the 3 count after Al used a brass-knuckles shot, and given the way Chris fell, I think Al might have legitimately hit him. Oh well, Al won this, and then quickly sprinted to the top of the 'ring area' so as not to be caught by Chris.

Sophie: Chris basically no-sold everything there guys, which ruined the match. And where's Tom, he's scheduled for the main event. Oh and Al's overness went up by 2 to 2, Chris' stayed stationary at 0. Hey Emma, Louise, you guys are on, cut a segment like we planned, and then start a match with Al, and pick up the win. Em... Matt, do me a favour, turn track four on, it's their music. Cheers man.

Are you randy?


After a few moments the two girls came out, one's blonde and one's brunette, the brunette, Louise, being slightly taller and a little bit broader, both hot nonetheless. The blonde one is Emma, she's married to Matt, whether that relationship will be established on the show I'm not too sure yet. The two head towards the ring with a microphone each in hand, they begin to talk before they reach the ring.

Emma: Ladies and very attractive gentlemen, I'm Emma. And this is...

Louise: LOUISE!

Emma: And together we are... The STRIPPING SQUAD!


Both: WHOOO!

Emma: Now, we have some very important news for you all, tonight's main event will determine one of the two contenders for the DICK Wrestling Championship. Now, we don't know who's going to be in that match.

Louise: But what we do know is that we like to please all of our fans, and our fans include those who visit our website and also you, the DICK faithful. And the way we please our fans is...

Both: To pleasure you.

Emma: So let's go.

Louise: All right!

The two slide into the ring and Al looks on from another part of the park, Emma drops her microphone and heads to Louise and slowly begins to undo her bra, making a big deal out of it to the crowd as she does so. Meanwhile Al has picked up a microphone and is ring-bound.

Al: Woah, woah, stop right there, little missies. I don't know what you think you pathetic creatures are doing in that there wrestling ring, but let me assure you, this is wrestling, not some bullshit porn site which no-one post puberty visits.

Emma: You really shouldn't admit to that.

Al: Admit to what?

Louise: Not being past puberty, duh.

Emma and Louise give each other a high 5 as Al enters the ring.

Al: Very funny, yeah, very funny, I creamed my pants it was so funny. But listen up. In this company, we don't take shit. We're about wrestling. Not about taking your bra off to show the world your ping pong balls so 15 year old ass-monkeys can take a wank over it.

Louise: At least we have balls.

The two give each other another high 5, but apparently that ticked Al off just a little too much as he flies forward with a right arm connecting to the face of Emma, whilst Louise looks on in dismay as her friend is beaten down by this guy. Chris, meanwhile had already left the ring, and now Juan was set to referee another match, and at least this match was scheduled tonight.

Sophie: Porno Emma gained 2 points of overness from this segment and Porno Louise gained 4 points of overness, so all's well there, now, if only the match goes down well. I think the fans are genuinely realising that Al's a heel misogynist, either that or they're not liking the product. Any sign of Tom yet guys?

Matt: No.

Chris: The bastard, he hit me with the knuckles, I'll smack him.

Not good.

Sophie: Chris, um, if you don't hit Al, I'll put you in the main event tonight.

Chris: Ah cool.

Tom better not show up now, but what am I going to do about my guest, I better run off and tell him he isn't needed today, thank god he lives local, else he'd probably still want paying. This match shouldn't be that important, I'll be back before the end anyway, so whatever.

Sophie: Matt, I need to go do something, I'll be 2-3 minutes, that's all, but just keep an eye out for what's going down in the ring, anyway.

Matt: Sure thing Sophe'.

Al vs. The Stripping Squad (Porno Emma and Porno Louise):

Well as I ran off to chase up my man, I missed the opening two minutes of this bout, however when I got back it certainly didn't appear to be interesting, at all. The girls lack of wrestling talent really shone through here, and it was clear to see this match was destined to be doomed. None of the stars seemed to be able to do some half decent chain wrestling, and the closest we got to technical action was when Emma was hoisted into the air by Al, before he was taken down with a chop block. And when a chop block is the most technical action you get, you know the match was bad. The end came when Emma hit her finishing move, 'The Flash', which basically saw her strip as she lay down on Al, bouncing up and down until he tapped out, with Juan making the 3 count. Remind me to tell Juan that there are no 3 counts for submissions. Unfortunately, the crowd saw nothing more than her panties flying away as Louise covered the action with the flag of England.

Sophie: Al went down in overness by a single point for losing to a woman, even if it was a two-on-one match. On the other hand, Porno Emma gained 2 overness and Porno Louise gained a single overness increase. Matt, you're on, remember, sell the gimmick.

Matt: Aye, aye, cap'n.

Chris: Um... Sophe' that kinda looks stupid, Al's just heading back to commentary after taking a beating like that, I mean, what the fuck?

Sophie: Who actually cares? I mean, it's unprofessional, yeah, but there's nothing we can do about it.

Chris: Why do we even need a commentator? I mean, the crowd can't hear him, we aint on TV, and we're not on a DVD.

Sophie: I have no idea, but it keeps him happy, let him talk to himself.

Pirate Copy... ARGH!

'Devil' by Unstaind hits the um... Loudspeakers as the crowd look on in suspense to see who will come out. Then, there's a medium-short height man stepping out into the crowd, and low and behold, he has a hook for a hand, and a pirate's hat on. He heads down to the ring and begins to shout 'AHOY'. He slides under the bottom rope and is slipped a microphone by Juan, the referee.

Matt: AHOY! And shiver me timbers to you all. I'm Matt, descendant of Long John Silver, aye. I come from Britain, England to be exact, aye, I enjoy a good bottle o' rum on a cold night. But that's not the point I'm out to here make, oh no mi harties, I'm here to tell you that I am the biggest thing in pro-fessional wrestling... Aye, I is. I spent mi entire life at sea, but now I come to land, to do one thing and one thing only. Kick some American backside. You c'n call us limey's all you fucking well like, but shiver me timber, we aint going to take it, and if you think we are, you're wrong. I'm a representative of not only 'er majesty, but also of the people in this 'ere establishment. The great supporters of DICK Wrestling, aye. And let me assure any lily-livered pigeon-eggs out in the back, that DICK fans, we don't take shit like some companies. Now. I just got one thing to say. AHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!

The crowd roar but then some unfamiliar music hits over the PA system, at first it sounds like 'Poprocks and Coke' by Green Day, but it sounded too fake.

Sophie: Great segment, fans welcomed Matt and he gained 1 point of overness with the pirate gimmick, and the AHOY! Sounds like it could catch on, so some top stuff there. Oh shit, yeah, um... Louise, hit Track 2, it's 'Poprocks and Coke' by Blue Night.

Louise: Didn't Green Day sing that?

Emma: I'm sure Billy Joe won't mind if we got some cheap version off lime-wire.

Sophie: What she said.

The Alpha Ma.... Pain?

The music begins to play and all of a sudden, from the back, comes out a man, with short spiked hair and a stubble, recognised to smarks as Axis from IWF, howver it appears as if he's here in DICK as he makes his way out to the ring unaccompanied, cutting up Matt's promo time.

Pain: My name is the ALPHA PAIN! And I don't take bullshit from no guy wearing a silly hat, an even stupied costume and an eye patch. And what's with the plastic hook? It couldn't kill a fly.

Matt swings his hook towards Alpha Pain, Alpha takes a step back and begins to look smug.

Pain: Woah, woah, Captain sea-boy, I haven't finished yet. For those who don't know, Alpha is the first letter of the Greek alphabet, it is also used in the world of technology to demonstrate the final version, the best version. And that's what I am, the best and the first. I am the best and the first pain. Why? Because, like you claim to, I take no crap in this wrestling ring and I DESTROY all those who step in front of me, and try to take what I deserve. And what I deserve is the prize which shows I am the ultimate ath-ur-lete in this company. The DICK Championship. Because who I am, and what I am DO matter, and I am the Alpha Pain and I am the very best.

Matt: Very best you say?

Pain: Oh you better believe it.

Matt: Well what are you waiting for? Let's do the damn thing!

The cheap James Gang reference got Matt a bit of a cheap pop, but all in all the segment was rather poor with the fans not really digging The Alpha Pain.`

Sophie: Alpha Pain debuted his new gimmick, it got a negative response. Alpha Pain gained 1 point of overness from this segment. I'm hoping this match is good, I'm also hoping that Alpha Pain told the referee about the ending. Hey, you, are you ready?

Man: Yeah, I am, just need to get changed.

Sophie: Well hurry.

Matt vs. Alpha Pain:

Alpha Pain manages to score a quick 2 count early on in this match, and already I think this is going to b match of the night. Neither man is Dynamite Kid version 2, however, this is a very good match in comparison to Chris vs. Al, anyway. The match is a bit of a brawl, though the technicality is being supplied slightly, it's a 2:1 ratio really. Anyway, Alpha Pain is clearly the better wrestler in this match and he quickly picks up the 3 count after a mere 5 or 6 minutes, a shame really, it was quite a good match. Juan made the count when Alpha Pain hit the Alpha Drop, essentially an Ace Crusher, much like the Diamond Cutter of DDP. Following the bout, Matt's music hit again, and Alpha Pain looked confused, and all of a sudden a guy runs down with a similar attire to Matt. The man sneaks up on Alpha Pain and flips over the top of him and hit's a flipping jawbreaker. Matt climbs to his feet and celebrates with the young pirate who apparently he has joined forces with. The two quickly get on the microphone and Matt introduces the man as 'Captain Buck' and says he will be in the main event tonight.

Sophie: Matt is losing overness because of his weak gimmick. Captain Buck debuted his new gimmick, it got a positive response. Buck gained 2 points of overness from this match, the Alpha Pain scored 2 points over overness here, sending him to 8. Decent segment I'd say, worked well all around, Matt's gimmick, along with Alpha Pain's is getting a mixed response tonight from the crowd, it should be interesting to see who comes out best. Hey, has anyone seen Tom yet?

Chris: Nah, sorry Sophe'.

Sophie: It's OK. In fact, it's good, because otherwise you don't get another match.

Chris: Oh. Why?

Sophie: You're only stand-in for Tom.

Chris: Well that's a fucking disgrace. I am the best wrestler in the company, I should be champion! I don't even need to beat anyone for it, I am the best in the whole fucking company!

Matt: Calm down man, it's not that important. Hey Sophe', where's your special guest?

Sophie: Not here.

Matt: Huh! Tom was your special guest.

Sophie: No, but Tom was needed, I sent him home, he'll be back next month. Hey, Track 1, stat.

Feel the wrath of...

After the match, the three competitors leave the ring in staggered style and then the next music hits the PA System and it's a tune familiar to all the crowd, but not by the band you'd expect, it was indeed The Ace of Spades, but by Motorskull. Well, Lime-wire has it's advantages, no matter what you say about it. After a few seconds, out steps a man of Latin-American origin, possibly known to some fans as Tsunami, who sometimes teams with Donny Idol. However, tonight he is on his own as he makes his way to the ring, microphone clutched in his palm.

Will: Ladies and gentlemen, all children here present, let me welcome you to DICK Wrestling. The most notorious, infamous, glorified, overrated wrestling show on the planet. And let me assure you... I LOVE EVERY LAST FUCKING MINUTE OF BEING HERE!

A huge crowd pop, this guy's over.

Will: I am a man all should fear, I am a man all will fear, I am a man here to do one thing and one thing only. Entertain you fans! My name is Will... Will Da Beast. And that's just what I am, a wildebeest. One of the most dangerous animals to enter the wild, and I am one of the most dangerous men to enter the squared circle. Now, I've been told that I don't have an opponent tonight, but you know what? That doesn't matter? Because next week, I'm just going to kick some ass, and I don't care who the hell it is. I don't care if it's you, or your mum or Samuel fucking Jackson, I'll be kicking ass next week, and you're all going to love it. You see, it's my desire to become the best in this business, but that's not somehting you can just become overnight, it takes time, and time is dawing closer. I'm taking what's mine, and everyone in the locker room better get ready, because Will Da Beast has arrived, and I have the support of every last Beastle here in Cranford, New Jersey!

Another huge pop, man, this guy puts people in seats.

Will: So next week, here, at Cranford Park, in New 'Fucking' Jersey, I am issuing an open challenge to anyone, yes, anyone who wants to challenge me. And when they do, they will feel the power of Will Da BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSTTTT! YEAH!

His music hits once more and the crowd go wild as he makes his way to the back, giving high 5's to the fans. The crowd begin a "Will-Da-Beast" chant almost immediately, granted it's quiet as only 5 people are there, but it's still the best reception we've had all night.

Sophie: Will Da Beast debuted his new gimmick, it got a positive response. Will Da Beast gained 3 points of overness from this segment. Hey Will, congrats, you're really getting over, you're our top star already, top work.

Will: Cheers, any news on who my opponent will be?

Sophie: Possibly an outsider, not too sure yet though.

Will: Cheers.

Sophie: No problem, you'll sell our seats. Hey guys, get Captain Buck out there, Matt you can escort him, em, Chris, go out there too.

Captain Buck vs. Chris:

On the microphone, purposely toned down to be nowhere near as loud as the ones used for promos, Al makes it well known that Chris already lost to him earlier tonight and thus doesn't deserve the chance to be there. He mentions this is the main event and is for the number one contendership. The match was a semi-decent match, but Chris' refusal to sell anything really kills every match that he is in. Chris appeared to not give too much of a damn in this match and was sluggish, more so than before. The crowd were behind Buck all the way whilst Chris constantly told them very bluntly to 'Shut The Fuck Up'. Matt tried to get the fans going and was also trying to tell Chris to sell more, but it was to no avail. In the end, Buck hit a move Al called 'The Buck Out', which was the flipping neckbreaker we saw earlier. Chris sold the move terribly and looked incredibly angry as he lied down to take the fall. Juan made the 3 count and instantly Matt hopped in the ring to celebrate with his pirate buddy. Afterwards Matt took a microphone and said a few words before Captain Buck sent the fans home happy, promising them a good show next month at Moderately-Hard Justice, and told them tickets were just $5.

Sophie: Chris basically no-sold everything, which ruined the match. Captain Buck is losing overness because of his weak gimmick, shame, it was doing well earlier, seems a bit mixed tonight, we'll wait while next week to see how it turns out. Captain Buck gained a point of overness, though, so that was good. All in all, I'd say it was a decent show, and because I didn't have to pay Tom's opponent, I managed to save an extra $2,000 giving us $6,000 in our kitty, might have to up the production for the next show then.

Matt: Worth the money we spent then?

Sophie: Definitely, if we keep this up, we'll be making tens of thousands every month.

Al: Hey guys, how great was I tonight? I bet I'm the most over star, aren't I?

Sophie: Umm... Actually, you're only on 1 point of overness.

Al: Oh fucking hell, guess I'll have to do better next time.

Matt: I really want to know where Tom is.

Chris: I'm fucked, I had to carry that guy all the way through, no offence to him, but he's rubbish!

I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Sophie: I'm with Matt, we need to find Tom soon.

All of a sudden I heard police sirens...

Holy... Fucking... Shit.

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OOC Notice: My computer fucked up and I've had to remake the game how I think it was, ironically it fucked up as I was making a back-up for the game, I think everything is sorted, there are a couple of errors, but they'll be fine how they are, this is just in case anyone twigs that something is different to what I said before ;)

Goodd Blood Aftermath - July's 'Meeting'

Unexpected Guests

Date: July 9th 2006 - Time: 11:59 AM

Location: DICK Headquarters... A.K.A. Cranford, New Jersey, Men's Public Toilets

Heading into those toilets, I couldn't help but think how I was going to explain everything to the owners, it was going to be heart-wrenching, but I am the only one who knows and so needless to say it was going to be my job to break the bad news.


I entered the room and immediately all the faces turned to me, looking to see why I had called them here, though I think some already knew, what with the police, Tom's disappearance and my negative demeanour. Whether they knew the full extent, I couldn't say.

Sophie: Gentlemen, I have called for your presence here today to break some very bad news. Very bad news indeed. Whilst our meetings do normally occur on this day, this is no ordinary meeting, this is in fact the worst meeting we have ever had. As you may know, the local police department turned up at the end of our first show, with Tom's disappearance from the previous show, I think it's safe to say, you already know what I am about to say. The police have found Tom's body, it appears he passed away, possibly through a drunken fight. It took them a while to track us down, but they heard about our show, and decided to come and pay us a visit, I'm really sorry to have to be the one to say this, in fact, I'm deeply sorry it had to be said at all. For each of Tom's negative issues, there were a hundred positive things you could say about the man, and he will sorely be missed, not only by us, but his friends and family back in the country of his birth, which of course is England. I think, in honour of Tom's memory, we should make the show in memory of him, it might be hard to explain to the crowd, as he never appeared, but nonetheless, it needs to be done.

There was silence, and no-one seemed to want to say anything, eventually Chris stepped forward.

Chris: Well I don't really think that's a good idea, in fact, it sucks, it puts all our plans on hold for a month, no-one actually knew him anyway, so who the hell cares? Besides, it's just another month before the world title is around my waist.

Matt: Nice to know you actually care you ignorant bastard, Tom's one of the founders of this company, he deserves his legacy to be honoured.

Al: Yeah, and besides, it's not like anything has to be held off, just dedicate the show to him, give him a couple of tributes and possibly have a segment where we have a memorial for him.

Matt: Precisely, it'd cut the show down in the number of segments, but that's fine, it'll just mean we have to pay less people.

Sophie: Look, I don't care if this show costs us more than it makes us, we should do this to honour the legacy of perhaps our most characteristic friend, who has left us for a better place, where no doubt he is drinking away God's supply of Guinness.

Chris: That's so fucking gay, I want my world title!

Al: Oh will you listen to yourself, a dear friend has died and you want a title you don't deserve, please, get your fucking priorities in line.

Nicely fucking said, even if he is a perverted asshole.

Chris: Woah, you better watch how you talk to me, the future champion of DICK!

Al: As any lady in the world will tell you, my DICK is the champion, as for the champion of this company, it sure as hell isn't going to be the fat, unpopular guy who no-sells every fucking move.

Chris: Well maybe if you didn't hit me in the face with the bras knuckles and almost knock me out!

Al: You were making me look fucking stupid, it didn't matter what I did, you got straight back up.

Chris: That's how a champion acts, look at Hogan, Kobashi, none of them lie down for a silly little suplex.

I need to break this up.

Sophie: Nonetheless, they do sell, unlike you, the only thing you managed to sell last show was a ticket to jobbing this week.

That'll teach him.

Chris: WHAT! No! That's a fucking outrage! I demand you shut the hell up and overrule that!

Sophie: Demand, aye?

Chris: Yeah!

Sophie: Else what?

Chris: Else, I'm not performing at all next show.

Matt: Suits the rest of us fine.

Chris: Even you're against me?

Matt: Dude, you sell like my grandma.

Chris: Well I did your grandma!

And with that he stormed out, way to be mature. He did his grandma? Sick freak.

Al: Well, ugh, I guess we haven't got him around next show, which doesn't save us any money really, which sucks.

Matt: Well, we made what, $6,000 last show, hopefully we can repeat that again. Sophe', what is it?

Sophie: We only made $2,000.

Matt: But you said...

Sophie: I know, I miscalculated, when the end of the month's payments came in there was $4,000 extra in bills and such.

Matt: So, we only saved $2,000.

Sophie: And if my man appears next show, then we're break even for the show.

Al: Plus entrance gates.

Sophie: Well yeah, but even if we get the same crowd again, that's what, $25 profit from a show, hardly groundbreaking.

Matt: Well surely our P.I. is increasing, thus we can get better sponsors.

Alas, it hadn't so much as budged from the 0% marker, and we can't afford to advertise, or anything, even in a business boom period we're stuck in a room with no windows.

Matt: Right, Sophie?

Sophie: 'Fraid not, turns out our Public Image is stationary, we're more likely to lose sponsors than gain them, we need to grow in Public Image somehow, but however we do it, we will lose money.

Al: Well let's take a gamble.

As much as I didn't want to, it seemed there was no other alternative.

Sophie: Well, I don't really want to, but it seems we have no choice, I'll stick production values up to about 5% which will mean about $525 down the drain, however our public image will begin to grow, but we'll be in debt soon enough, that's what is worrying.

Matt: Well, we could always take out a loan.

Sophie: I guess.

Al: Oh guys, I forgot to tell you, my immigration came through, the paperwork's all completed, turns out I'm a legal American immigrant nowadays.

Sophie: And yet, Tom died an illegal immigrant, what a waste of a life.

There's an awkward moment once more in the room as memories of Tom flood back, through all the business talk, they'd all forgotten about the terrible tragedy of his death.

Matt: No matter what Chris said, I think we definitely need a memorial show.

Al: For sure, I mean, he's a legend amongst us.

Sophie: You reckon people back at home know?

Matt: Did you ring anyone?

Sophie: No, and his mum and dad died in a car crash 2-3 years ago, so I dunno if the cops will have contacted anyone in England.

Al: I'll get in touch with Josh, I'm sure he'll know some of his family.

Sophie: You know, I always thought Tom was really close to Chris in the first few years of High School.

Al: They were.

Matt: But Tom got a little too popular with all the popular people, and Chris began to get popular with all the not-quite-so-popular people, so they never spoke as much. Shame really. Though I guess you could say the same about me and you, Al.

It was true, I remember first year of High School, you couldn't split these two up for love nor money. Now they're friends, but nothing like they used to be. It's weird how that happens.

Al: I guess, but we're getting side-tracked.

Matt: Yeah, how many segments per show Sophe'?

Sophie: 8, but we can go 9 if necessary.

Matt: That's plenty.

Sophie: Someone who's getting paid needs to take the night off.

Matt: Why's that?

Al: Didn't you hear her before? We're going to lose money.

Matt: And Chris isn't appearing.

Sophie: We could have to cut it down to less than 8, 6 is the bare minimum.

Matt: Will Da Beast has to show, and it wouldn't make sense for Buck not to show up after the win last month.

Al: The chicks already get paid appearance or not, may as well use them.

Sophie: Which leaves Alpha Pain, and he was getting quite over too, shame, oh well, doesn't matter too much, he'll be back next month, not to worry, I suppose.

That was a lie, he is one of the best workers, and I could tell Al and Matt want him there too, deep down. This show is turning worse and worse by the minute.

Matt: Right, so let's assume Chris doesn't show, we keep Alpha out, your guy shows up, that's me, Al, the girls, Buck, your guy and Will.

Al: 7 people.

Matt: This is going to blow, we're going to have a couple of matches each.

Sophie: And one is to decide the championship contender to face Buck.

Matt: Well, me, Buck and the girls are out of that. Leaving, mystery man, Al and Will.

Sophie: I dunno if Will should have a contenders match that early, either.

Who am I kidding, there's no choice, Al vs. my guy would suck complete ass, there needs to be Will in there.

Al: Well, maybe it could be a 3-way, I don't mind doing a job, provided I get microphone time beforehand.

Sophie: Well, jobbing might not be necessary. Will winning could be perfect, you winning could be perfect and my mystery guy winning could be perfect. If we have a triple-threat main event...

Matt: We can't fail.

Sophie: Nail on the head.

Matt: So we got it decided?

Sophie: Main event, triple threat for the second contendership.

Something still didn't seem right to me.

Matt: You're not happy, are you Sophie?

Sophie: Well, I dunno, I think Will should face someone else first, but that makes him look weak going in.

Matt: Well who can he face?

Al: Buck perhaps?

Matt: I dunno, that seems a little random to me.

Sophie: Have to agree, really.

Matt: So are we pulling him out of the main event after all?

Sophie: Nah, I have a much better idea. All 3 can be in matches before the main event.

Al: Huh?

Sophie: You said it yourself, we're going to be pushed to make a card. If all 3 have matches, then the main event, we only need 2-4 segments, and I'm sure a few guys can cut a promo.

Only I can make something great out of such a pickle.

Well, something half-decent, anyway.

Matt: And we're starting with a tribute, right?

Al: Yeah, of course man.

Sophie: Without doubt.

There was a brief silence once again.

Matt: You know what's really weird?

Al: The earth isn't flat?

Matt: No. Last year's TNA Hard Justice pay per view was in memory of Chris Candido who died, and our Moderately-Hard Justice show is in memory of Tom, who died.

I didn't find that weird at all, just odd why he would choose to raise such a random point.

Sophie: Well I guess, if you say so.

Matt: Hey did anyone here about CMLL?

Thank God the subject changed.

Sophie: Yeah, didn't they get a contract with Spike TV for a midnight show on a Friday evening.

Al: Yeah I heard that, what they calling it? CMLL Friday or some shit, how fucking lame.

Matt: It won't last 6 months.

Al: Couldn't have said it better myself really.

We won't last 6 months if things keep going the way they are today, so I don't know why they're joking about a promotion having a TV show, when not even the lamest of networks would pick us up.

Sophie: Oh and I was on the Internet, and I visited a few sites, average score out of 100 that we got for our show was 18, so you could say that's OK, given some backyard shows fail to reach 10%.

Matt: I guess that's good news.

Sophie: And the top rated segment, not counting matches, was Will Da Beast's interview, which was also better than the top rated match, Matt vs. Alpha Pain.

Matt: And we're not giving this guy a match this month?

Al: You are getting a match, probably.

Matt: I meant Alpha Pain.

Sophie: Got any better ways to save 4 monkey?

Al: 4 monkey?

Matt: A monkey is Cockney for 500. And no, not really, but...

Sophie: But nothing, we need the damn money, at least until some better sponsors come knocking.

That shut them up.

Sophie: Let's face it though guys, this has been a bad day for us all, Al go make some fliers for the show, and Matt, try to bring Chris around, see if he'll come to the show.

Matt: Sure thing Sophe'.

He isn't always an asshole, I guess.

Al: Count on those posters Sophe'.

Nor is he.

Sophie: I guess that draws this meeting to a close then.

Matt: I guess.

Al: Aren't you forgetting something?

Sophie: Oh yeah. Meeting adjourned.

Live from Cranford Park

DICK Wrestling Presents...

Moderately-Hard Justice

Number One Contenders Match:

Will Da Beast vs. Al vs. ???

All Participants in the number one contenders bout will also feature in another match throughout the night.

Tickets - $5 Per Person

Show In Memory of Tom... Cofounder of DICK Wrestling.

Edited by - Matt -
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My guess is Tom isn't really dead. They found that manican he payed for with all of DICK's money or something. This is a good diary with lots of potential, not that my opinion means much as im hardly the most astemmed diary writer on here. Keep up the good work

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Just a note from me to say that I have had to edit some of the dates on previous posts, my EWR game completely screwed up on me, and I actually booked this show, last month, so I decided to go back and edit previous dates, so last month's show is now June's show, not July's show. I know that's confusing, but please forgive me, it wasn't my fault, well it was, I should have paid attention to what I was doing, but whatever. There might still be some dates which are wrong, but I think I hunted out most of the dates and edited them to be correct. I'm just blabbing now, enjoy the show.

And Now... Live from Cranford Park...

DICK Wrestling Presents...

Moderately-Hard Justice

Sophie: All set everyone?

Matt: Aye.

Al: Yep.

Sophie: Chris here?

Louise: No, he's been in a foul mood ever since that meeting, thanks to someone.

Sophie: Louise, the guy got his ego up his ass, he stomped out because he didn't think that the show should have been in memory of Tom and that he deserved the world title.

Louise: Ever thought he might have been right?

Sophie: Oh please, start the show off, someone press the music.


Fuel by Non-Metallica crashes over the 'PA System', better known as a stereo player, as one of the three challengers for the number one contendership, later tonight, makes his way down to the ring. Microphone in hand, Al slides under the ring and begins to urge the fans, yes, all 5 of them, to be quiet and let him speak.

Al: People, if I could be serious for just a moment, it's rather important I send out this message, though I'm sure plenty of you already know.

There was a silence. Plenty? There's only 5 in the crowd, I wouldn't call that plenty. Anyway, whatever, I guess we'll hear him out.

Al: Tonight, our show is in memory of a dear friend of all the owners of the company, along with those working in DICK. Last month, approximately 4 weeks ago, we held our first ever show, Goodd Blood. Little do any of you realise, the main event of that show was scheduled to be Tom vs.. Captain Buck. Unfortunately, Tom never showed, and the match was altered. Following the show we were all given a shock when we were so abruptly told that Tom had passed away due to a drunken brawl. The odd thing was, there was no evidence of any killer, but this is not the time nor place for that. The point is, a dear friend has been taken, and tonight, we must take a moment to honour his legacy.

The ring bells begin to toll as the 'crowd' fall silent as the 10 bell salute for Tom begins, they clearly have no emotional bond to the man, but take silence anyway out of pure respect. After the tenth bell sounds Al raises his head and speaks.

Al: And with that out of the way, let me introduce you to Moderately-Hard Justice! And tonight, I have the chance to become one of the two men fighting it out next month for the DICK Championship, and that is a chance I plan on taking, I demolished Chris last week and I've beaten those filthy strippers too if they hadn't cheated.

There was a lot of heat from that statement.

Al: But that's beyond the point, the point is after only one show, I have proven that not only am I better than any man or filthy woman scum in this company, but that I am deserving of the most prestigious championship belt in all of professional wrestling. But I suppose the DICK Championship will do for now.

A 'boring' chant begins to break out amongst all 5 of the crowd.

Al: I am the single greatest wrestler in this company and no man, nor pathetic woman could ever take that honour away from me. And tonight, I'm going to beat whoever this new guy is and I'm also going to beat that pathetic piece of Latin-American scum, Will Da Beast.

Big heat at the mention of the 'crowd-favourite' Will Da Beast.

Al: And do you know what else? Do you? Well either way I'm going to tell you. There is no way in God's name that I am going to be beaten here tonight by my warm-up opponent, who I am told is a 'fan-favourite'.

The crowd pop and after a few moments where Al looks confused, wondering what is, or isn't going on, some 'famous' music hits the PA System...

'Emma! Louise! We are... THE STRIPPING SQUAD!'

The music of the Stripping Squad begins to play as Louise and Emma make their way to the ring in very 'slutty' outfits, whilst in the ring, Al begins to laugh as the girls do a very sexy dance which is no doubt giving the 5 spectators an explicit fantasy.

Al: You mean to tell me that you two are my opponents. Jesus, this shit gets funnier and funnier every week. Listen, why don't you two sluts go fuck off back to whichever porn film you came from so that I can get on with a match with some real people, not any housewives.

The two immediately stop and grab a microphone.

Emma: Actually, Al, you're completely wrong... You're not facing us, no, we already kicked your ass. No, this week, you're just facing me, and if you want I can give you the....


Al: Quit singing songs and get your pathetic ass in this ring so I can kick it once again.

Emma: I think you're forgetting that last month, we were the victorious ones, not you.

Emma and Louise drop the microphone and sprint towards the ring, they both slide in and Al immediately hops out, telling Louise to leave. Louise exits while Al cautiously re-enters the ring.

Sophie: Decent segment to kick off the show, got the point across and Al gained 1 point of overness from it, so I'd say it was a successful segment. Hey, Juan, you going to get the hell out there, there is a match going on you realise.

Juan: Yes, yes, I know, but I thought, I make dramatic entrance you see, that way the crowd will cheer when I come out... Yes?

Sophie: Get the fuck out there!

Juan: Yes... Yes.

Why isn't he moving?

Sophie: What are you waiting for?

Juan: The cows to come home.

Why the fuck was he hired?

Sophie: What fucking cows?

Juan: Mar-ie had a little lamb, little lamb, Mar-ie had a little lamb...

Sophie: 'The fuck is wrong with you?

Juan: The better question is what is right with me?

Sophie: OK, I'll cut to the chase, you don't get out there now, you're fired.

Juan: That's racist!

What the fuck is he talking about.

Sophie: Just go.

Juan: I'm going... I am going.

Al vs.. Porno Emma:

A short match to say the least, it didn't even last five minutes, Louise escorted Emma to the ring, and when the referee eventually arrived the match begun. It was a weak bout with not much selling from either, Al made the bout slightly more technical, but this was no Dynamite Kid vs.. Bret Hart match. The end came about rather suddenly when Al removed some brass knuckles from his trunks and hit Emma in the face with them, despite the fact that Juan clearly did see the knuckle shot, it was kayfabed in that he didn't, even though he looked straight at it. The count was made and Al began to celebrate to the dismay of the Stripping Squad.

Sophie: That might have been a good match, but the selling from Emma, as well as general ring skills was weak, nonetheless, the Stripping Squad draw, so we're fine.

James T: Hey Sophie, aint seen you since I arrived here last month, you think I did good with the opening segment?

Sophie: Hey James, haven't seen you since High School, but yeah, I thought that was fucking amazing, best segment we've had, apart from Will Da Beast's. I think I'm right in saying you did that one too.

James T: Yeah, well anyway, I have to ask you, why are there 3 new debutantes tonight, yet you only advertised one.

Sophie: That doesn't really matter, it's hardly like I got a WWE Superstar here.

James T: But I thought...

Sophie: Oh yeah, but he was the one I advertised.

Matt: Yeah. We're all amazed how you managed to bring him here, I mean, he's one of the biggest draws of all time, sheer brilliance Sophe'.

Sophie: Umm... Matt... You're meant to be out there, your music is playing.

Matt: Shit.

Saltwater in the Veins:

The music of Captain Buck and Matt, Devil by Unstaind, hits the speakers and within a few seconds Captain Buck emerges on his own in his typical pirate costume, equipped with eye-patch, fake hook hand and the hats. He begins to play to the crowd as he looks around nervously, looking for Matt, who eventually appears, trying to make his late arrival look as planned as he possibly can. The two grab a microphone, one each, and begin to charge towards the ring before sliding under and taunting to the crowd. The music dies away and Matt raises the microphone.


Buck: Ship... AHOOOOOOOOY!

Matt: Ladies, gentlemen and all things great, welcome to Cranford Park in New Jersey. Aye, yeah, New Jersey, Aye.

Buck: Whoo! Whoo! WHOOO! And guess what everyone? We've got an action packed filled night in stall for you all.

Matt: Aye. Wait, we do?

Buck: No, we don't actually, I was just saying that to get the fans pumped.

Matt: Oh, will shiver mi' timber, who'd have ever supposed?

Buck: Cap'n Waterman perhaps?

Matt: Aye, he wo' a good 'un, before the shark took his head off that night in Barracuda, aye, sad times, but good times all the same, aye. I miss them days of sea-shanties and whatnot aboard SS Hillside.

Buck: But them times are gone, aye, and now we're 'rassling with the big boys.

Matt: Aye, we're the Pirates of the Cranfordian.

Buck: Aye.

Matt: And don't you go forgetting it mi old maties!

Buck: Anyway, we're losing the point 'ere my good friend... You see, the point is, last month, I competed in a match, a match for the number one contendership.

Matt: Aye.

Buck: Turns out, that means next month I face either this mystery man, who, quite honestly, sounds like nothing but a washed up nobody, or Al, who just had to cheat to beat a woman.

Matt: A woman!

Buck: Cod-swaddling, I know.

Matt: Shiver mi' timber, and this guy thinks he deserves the DICK Championship?

Buck: Aye... He does, aye.

Matt: 'N he can't even beat a woman wit'out cheating? That's just fucking outrageous man.

Buck: He wouldn't have gotten nowhere on high water if he couldn't even beat a woman without resorting to unfair conduct. Shiver mi' timber, what is the world coming to?

Matt: Aye, but you were saying.

Buck: You know what fuck it, I can't remember.

Matt: AHOY!


The crowd shout back Ahoy with Buck as the segment draws to a close with Devil by Staind once again being played as the Pirates of the Cranfordian make their was to the back.

Sophie: Brilliant segment there, both of them went over by one point in overness, and that's always good. They also seemed to get the pirates gimmick more certified, though I'm wondering how well that's going to work in the long term, I mean, what more can a pirate say than what they've said these past 2 weeks? Hey, you, you've got your match next haven't you?

Man: Yeah, why of course I have, I'm facing that Will Da Beast fellow, aren't I?

Sophie: Yeah.

Man: Do I get any promo time?

Sophie: Perhaps next time.

Man: I understand, I'm kinda used to being nothing but a jobber, it's fine, I won't be expecting a call for next month's show.

Sophie: Wait, you thought this was a one time thing? Dude, I hire workers, they stay here for a while, at the least.

Man: Woah, so this is like full-time.

Sophie: Yeah.

Man: Cheers, I never had a full time job before.

Sophie: No problem, just do the gimmick as best you can, and remember, you're heel.

Man: Got'ya.

Will Da Beast vs. Mr. Britain:

'God Save the Queen' by the Sex .45's then crashed over the speakers and out came a man sporting a red white and blue attire, the very man who'd been talking to Sophie backstage. He lived it up a little bit with the fans, pointing to his wrestling trousers which sported the Union Jack. He acted like your typical cocky heel before Will Da Beast's music, Ace of Spades by Motorskull, hits and he comes out to the biggest roar of the night so far.

The match begins immediately as Will sprints to the ring, the song doesn't even get to the lyrics by the time will is in the ring. A medium length squash match in which Will makes light work of Mr. Britain, playing around with him for 5 or 6 minutes before the man known on the Independent scene as 'Shawn Stylez' began to fight back for a few moments. It didn't last long and eventually Will Da Beast hit a Crucifix Powerbomb I understand he's calling the 'Master Driver'. The 3 count was promptly made and Will celebrated in the crowd as Mr. Britain staggered to the back, clutching his neck after the beating he just took.

Sophie: Another solid performance from Will there, in fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that Mr. Britain had a good match too, they both did well, best match we've had in DICK so far.

Man: Hey Sophie, when am I going out?

Sophie: Oh shit, now! Do you know which track your music is?

Man: Yeah.

Sophie: Good, put the rest of your attire on and turn it on.

Rest in Pieces:




The music made famous by WWE Wrestler, The Undertaker begins to play, and the crowd goes absolutely wild as the music 'echoes' around the arena. The lighting can't be altered as the show is performed in the midday sun, but the general effects seem to be working well for the introduction. After a few moments delay the Undertaker steps out to a huge roar to the crowd, he has his head down with the hat pressed down over his face. He begins to make the slow walk to the ring as the fans begin to chant 'Taker, Taker, Taker'. The man grabs a microphone and slides into the ring where he takes off his hat and rolls his eyes into the back of his head. He isn't the Undertaker after all, but he's a very convincing look-a-like.

???: Will Da Beast... Al... Tonight... May your sins be forgiven on your path to hell. I am the angel sent from heaven. The light of the world in the form of a human. My job here is to rid the world of sin. And tonight, I start with the two of you. Particularly you Will. You're an atheistic waste of blood and bones which the Lord spent His time creating. He will always remember you as the one who betrayed Him. You see, Will. I am the messiah, the saviour of all things good in the world, and you are not one of them. I am on a crusade, ordered by our Father, and I will rid us of all the sins in the world, beginning with you. Tonight, you will Rest... In... Pieces.

The crowd begin to boo as the man in the ring slips to the floor in a kneeling position and closes his hands together, looking up as he is seemingly talking to God.

???: For I am... The Overtaker, the modern messiah and saviour of mankind.

Sophie: The Overtaker gained 3 points of overness from this segment, so all's good I guess, hey you, are you ready?

Man: Yeah.

Sophie: Well get out there, Track 8 is yours, and hurry.

The Overtaker vs. Magazine Book Guy:

'DELIVERY! DELIVERY! Magazine Book Guy is here!'.

Some very odd music begins to play after the high pitched shouting ends and Overtaker stands up to see who his opponent is. He is very confused when he sees that his opponent is none other than Al Magz, sporting a Paper Boy's attire. Juan enters the ring a few seconds before Al hops off the bicycle he's riding and enters the ring.

The match is short and relatively meaningless, Overtaker dominates all the way through with powerhouse style moves. Al Magz still has no wrestling skill, much like he never has done, and even with the gimmick of a Paper Boy, he is very bland. The end comes when Overtaker sets up Magazine Book Guy for a Tombstone Piledriver, and successfully connects, before doing the Undertaker's signature cover, with the tongue extended and the opponents arms crossed. Juan makes the 3 count and there is some hissing from the crowd.

Sophie: Passable, the Magazine Book Guy sucks, he has no in-ring skill, whatsoever, but it doesn't matter, no-one's expecting us to pull off a Punk/Joe. Oi, you two, enough make up already, get the hell out there, your segment is next.

A Hot Request:


The cheesy cheerleader music is played and out come the biggest draws in DICK, Porno Emma and Porno Louise, the Stripping Squad. Emma has a busted nose from the brass knuckle shot earlier, but the make-up has covered it well enough to see that she's still radiant, but not so much so they can't see she's in pain. They run down to the ring giving the fans high fives and whatnot on the way down. They slide into the ring and do a little dance before Louise is passed a microphone.

Louise: Earlier tonight, you saw Al defeat my good friend Emma, and as fair as that sounds, it wasn't fair, not in the slightest. You see, Al couldn't beat Emma without resorting to a foreign object shot. You can see the damage done to her face by Al, and we know that's not right. And you all know that's not right. Which is why next week, Al, we're issuing you a challenge.

Emma: Yeah, you heard us right, we're challenging you. And do you want to know what our challenge is? Do you?

Louise: I think he does.

Emma: Well let's just call it a Tag Team match.

Louise: A tag team match? That sounds naughty.

Emma: Dangerous.

Louise: Dirty.

Emma: Sexy.

Both: Spectacular!

Emma: Next month, August, we're coming to Cranford Park, and we'll wrestle you and anyone else you can find to team with you.

Louise: That's IF he can find anyone who would WANT to team with him.

Emma: But now, Al, I understand you have a chance to become the number one contender. And if you win, then you get a World Championship match next month.

Louise: But what about our match, Emma?

Emma: Well I thought about that, but it seems rather obvious really.

Louise: It is?

Emma: Yeah, it is. He has to have two matches in one night.

Louise: But that's just mean.

Emma: Mean isn't nice. Not being nice is being naughty. Mean is naughty. We're naughty, we're mean.

Louise: When you put it like that, it makes so much more sense.

Emma: So, Al, you either step up to the plate and face us like the man you oh so evidently aren't. Or you crawl back into your scummy little hole and suck on your thumb like the baby that you are.

Louise: EMMA!



The music hits once more and the Stripping Squad leave in high spirits doing a skip as they leave the ring area.

Sophie: Emma gained 2 points of overness from this segment and Louise gained 3 points of overness from it, so it turned out quite well, top work once again from the girls. You ready Will?

Will: As ever.

Sophie: Make some mentions of Tom, but put over your gimmick mainly.

Will: Will do.

Sophie: Top man! Hey Matt, you know when I asked you to talk to Chris, did he say anything.

Matt: He says he's on strike, he'll be back next month if you give him a 10% pay rise, so I gave him one.

Sophie: YOU DID WHAT? Wait, he doesn't get paid.

Matt: So what's the difference.

Sophie: You got him to come off a strike if he had an extra $0 added onto his $0 wages?

Matt: Pretty much.

Sophie: You're a genius. Either that or he's plain stupid.

Matt: Probably the latter.

Target in Sight:

Ace of Spades by Motorskull hits the PA System once more tonight and the fans give off a huge ovation for their favourite wrestler, if you don't count the ladies, as Will Da Beast makes his way out to the ring. Will takes a microphone on his way to the ring, but takes his time getting into the ring as he plays up the fans, giving all 5 of them handshakes and 3 of them autographs.


Big pop for the town name.

Will: How y'all doing?

There's some cheers.

Will: Well, I can't say I'm too bad either, I'm a matter of moments away from becoming the number one contender. Now, last week I issued an open challenge, and it was answered by some British punk called Mr. Britain. Who comes up with these names anyway?

The crowd laugh, though to be honest, I fail to see what's so funny.

Will: Anyway, I demolished him, and I've proven that I deserve to be in this main event, and that I am worthy of holding the DICK Championship. My dream is to hold that championship, it's all I've thought about for the past month, and now my target is in sight, I'm not going to let it go. It's my burning desire to win that championship, and come hell or high water I will take it back with me next month.

A cheap pop.

Will: But tonight, my victory will not only be in honour of myself. It will be in memory of a man I only met once, and even then I respected him and saw him as one of the greatest men I'd ever met. He was no Bill Gates, nor President Clinton, he wasn't Elvis or a Major League Baseball star. But he was comedic, full of life, energetic character. Tom was quite simply the pinnacle of perfection. He was the tip on the iceberg of this company, and I know if you, the loyal faithful, had ever met him, you'd have missed him as much as I do now.

There is silence around the arena as they feel this heartfelt message from Will.

Will: Ladies and gentlemen, though you didn't know him, I, along with the entire company, would much appreciate it if you would attend his funeral on Tuesday, that being the 25th of July. We would sorely appreciate it. Now, onto tonight, once more. I face Overtaker, a guy who showed up today and beat a Paper Boy and is obsessed with a God. Well as much as I hate to tell you, I am not a sin in this world. You want to rid me from this federation, good luck trying, and you're going to need it.

Another cheap pop for Will.

Will: And then there's you Al, the man who has to cheat to beat a woman, as fine of a woman as she may be, but you have to resort to cheating. That's just terrible my friend. But hey, if hitting women is your thing, that's fine, I mean, it never did Jeff Jarrett any harm, except for the fact he's probably the most detested guy in wrestling, but hey, whatever floats your boat I guess.

Cheap laughs are all over this promo.

Will: but I'm going to just cut to the chase now. None of you can stop me, because I am a raging Will Da Beast. I have the will to succeed. I am the will to succeed. No-one else has the power to overcome the most popular beast in wrestling. And if they try, they will feel the power of Will Da BEEEEEEEEEEEASSSSSSSSSSSST! YEAH!

Sophie: Will Da Beast gained 3 points of overness from this segment, and he's really getting over with the crowd, he's going to be our biggest star for years to come.

Matt: I know, I bet he could hold it with some of the guys in WWE.

Sophie: Oh come on, Al Magz could hold it with some of those guys.

Magz: Cheers. :(

Sophie: Hey dude, I knew you were there, I was kidding ya'.

Magz: Oh right, I thought you hadn't seen me.

Eek. I hadn't.

Al vs. Will Da Beast vs. The Overtaker:

The music of Al, Fuel by Non-Metallica, then hits the speaker system and he cames out to some faint booing from the crowd inside the Cranford Park. He made his way to the ring and got right in the face of Will before the chimes bellowed out and the Overtaker made his way to the ring. Without the lights, it really doesn't have the same spooky effect, but Overtaker stood at the top of the stage with his hands apart and eyes rolled in the back of his head before making a slow journey to the ring.

The match begun and lasted for a good 15 minutes, I have to say it was a bit of a mess really as there were too many different styles in the ring, but the crowd were cheering for Will all the way through. The match had a few technical points, particularly with Will and Al, and this match wasn't too bad at all, quite entertaining and edge of your seat stuff, and with no idea who was going to win, the crowd certainly weren't racing off to beat the 'rush'. The ending came when Al used the now infamous brass knuckles on Will Da Beast, knocking him to the outside of the ring, whilst Overtaker was out following a Master Driver. The crowd began to boo tremendously as Al climbed into the ring to finish off Overtaker, unfortunately for Al, Overtaker sat up and began to squeeze Al's neck. After a few moments of sqeezing, Overtaker lifted up Al and subsequently dropped him with a Chokeslam from Heaven. Juan then ran across the ring and skidded out of the ring, before climbing back in it to make the 3 count.

The Overtaker celebrates the victory whilst Will scrambles around on the outside of the ring with his nose busted open. Al lies in the centre of the ring, unconscious, staring up towards the midday sky, God only knows what must be going through his mind. Overtaker walks over to the centre of the ring and he lies both knees against the ring mat as he looks up to the sky with his hands clutched.

Sophie: Solid match, Overtaker is doing well, not our most over star by any means, but I think he should be able to do well holding the World Championship if he beats Buck next week.

Buck: So I'm facing him, aye?

Sophie: Yeah, why got any problems?

Buck: No, I think it'll be good. I think I might have done better against Will, but I can understand you not wanting to throw Will in the big picture so early.

Sophie: I thought the same, glad to hear we're on the same page. Hey could you do me a favour?

Buck: Sure.

Sophie: Go find Matt, tell him to call me tonight.

Buck: Anything else?

Sophie: No, that'll be fine.

And with that, he left, and the show was over, 5 people attended and that means we're $25 richer, but then there's sponsorship money to come. And on the downside, I got shit loads of wages to pay...

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Post-show Statistical Mumbo Jumbo


Red - Heel | Blue - Face

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Porno Louise - 18

Porno Emma - 15

Will Da Beast - 13

Captain Buck - 10

Al - 6

Alpha Pain - 5

Mr. Britain - 5

Matt - 4

The Overtaker - 4

Magazine Book Guy - 2

Chris - 1

Company Details:

Money = $8525 (Prior to monthly payments)

Public Image = 2


Well as great as that looks, it actually sucks incredibly given our next show's main event consists of the 4th ranked person and the 3rd lowest. I'm beginning to wish I had given Will the rub now, but whatever, it'll all work out, hopefully. The only worrying thing is Overtaker's overness, maybe I gambled a little too early on him, I think I should have used him at last month's Goodd Blood show. With hindsight, I would have.

Emma and Louise, understandably are our top draws, with Louise getting far too much better than Emma, I'm not really sure what I can do about that, possibly give her some promo time on her own, but that might be weird. I can't really have her go over anyone, because well there's no-one for her to go over, other than Louise, but that'd mean splitting the two of them up.

Chris' strike has left him bottom of the overness charts, unless you count Tom, who is and always will be at 0. In other owner news, it seems that Matt's pirate gimmick is paying off, his overness is doing well considering he's had what, 2-3 segments. Al is the top rated owner, but he has had more segments than anyone else so far, I count 5, possibly even 6.

As if that wasn't all, just look at the face/heel aspect of it, with a couple of exceptions, all our faces are the top names, whereas the heels are nearer the bottom. With 11 workers on the roster 5 are heels, so they hardly have an excuse for being so low. Though in fairness, if you take out Louise and Emma, it looks pretty even, so I'm not sure how to call this, I'll let it lie until maybe November time, if the faces still outweigh the heels in popularity, I'm going to have to either turn someone or bring in some new faces.

The public image rise is good, though the money aspect might not be, I think we could lose 2-3 grand in the monthly payments, which won't be good, whilst we'll still be in profit, we'll be making less money than we did last month. Is it a price worth paying though? We need to get to that oh so precious 50% Backyard Public Image milestone so we can earn better sponsors and thus, more money. Oh cruel wrestling world, why must thee be so complicated?

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Guest Ricc

The Overtaker! :D

thats brilliant.

I'm glued to this, the first diary I've been able to keep interest in. excellent work.

FWIW, I think Tom will be back, some time. he could be GOLD!

Stripping Squad rule. that is all.

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Tom's Funeral

May he Rest in Peace...

Date: July 25th 2006 - Time: 15:00 PM

Location: Garwood Funeral Directors - Garwood, New Jersey

The saddest day in our short history is now upon us. The realisation that Tom can no longer be with us has just dawned on us all, and we are all in deep mourning, even Chris. Though I'm not sure it'd be quite to Tom's wishes, everyone was dressed in black, and everyone was upset, Emma and Louise were crying as they held onto their partners, Matt and Chris, respectively. The priest was stood at the altar, preparing to begin the ceremony, awaiting the music to stop playing. The music was Angels by Robbie Williams, even though I knew full well he'd have preferred rock music, it didn't seem fitting to the occasion. I mean, Knocking on Heavens Door by Guns 'n' Roses is just not appropriate for a funeral, is it?

Priest: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, friends and family, we are gathered here today to remember the life of one who truly meant a lot to everyone. We're here now to celebrate and commemorate the life of Mr. Thomas Soberman...

I always found his surname ironic, as he was hardly ever sober.

Priest: Thomas was a good man, and a man which will be remembered by us all, and every time we think of him, our hearts will be lifted, and fond memories of him will return. At this time of misery for those closest to him, I ask but one thing, you remember how Jesus Christ, our messiah and our saviour died to rescue us and save us from out sins. The pain suffered by Thomas was just an act of divinity and him showing the Lord, Jesus Christ, that he too can die for his people.

Odd, I heard he died in a fight.

Priest: All those here present, I ask of you to lift up your hearts, and listen to the word of the Lord. The following is a reading from the Holy Gospel according to Saint Matthew.

And seeing the multitudes, he went up into the mountain: and when he had sat down, his disciples came unto him: and he opened his mouth and taught them, saying, Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are they that have been persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye when men shall reproach you, and persecute you, and say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets that were before you. Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost its savor, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out and trodden under foot of men. Ye are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a lamp, and put it under the bushel, but on the stand; and it shineth unto all that are in the house. Even so let your light shine before men; that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.

And that is the Word of the Lord...

All: Glory be to God, our Father.

Priest: And now I believe we have a poem to be read by the sibling of Thomas, Ellen. Would you like to step forward, my child.

This was the first time I'd seen Ellen since she was about 10 years old, she was about 16 now, and she certainly looked like her older, beloved brother.

Ellen: This is a poem about my brother... Tom.

He drank all day...

And he laughed all night...

He was a character and a half...

He's gone now, but that's all right...

Because he's with God now...

At his left hand side...

He's my brother, and I loved him so...

He pushed me on the slide...

He picked me up and gave me a hug...

Every time I was feeling down.

But he's gone up to heaven now...

But I know he wouldn't want us to frown...

She broke out in tears part way through the reading, but the message was clear and in the end, everyone in the hall was sobbing, including Chris, Al and Matt. The priest nodded at her and she smiled, before sitting down next to her close family.

Priest: In the light of the passing of Tom, I think we should take this time to pray to the one who created us and gave birth to us all. It is at this time we say the prayer which Jesus Christ taught to us.

Our Father

Who art in heaven.

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done.

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day.

Our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses.

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation.

But deliver us from evil.

Priest: Now, may we come together to say the Hail Mary.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace

The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women...

And then there was a thud. Followed by a groan. And a drunken stagger.


1) He's dead. 2) What's he swearing in church for. Wait a fucking minute, HE'S DEAD!

Tom: Dudes, I heard Tom died, shame to here that man, fucking crazy shitted up world we live in, hey dudes. Oh yeah! Sophe' dude! Forgot to tell ya! You know when I bought that dummy and killed it! Craziest shit right, I didn't need to. I had immigration papers all along, fucking brilliant aint it man!

I don't know whether to cheer, laugh, cry, hug him, or fucking swing for him. Though right now I must say the latter is very appealing.

Tom: Yo vicar, priest dude, sorry about crashing your party like this man, only thing was I got fucking hammered last night. Hey, I seen you before anyway! I know, you were the dude who wanted the hooker that I took, man was she good.

The priest looked embarrassed but quickly covered his tracks.

Priest: I most certainly did not, in fact, I wasn't even out last Tuesday.

Tom: Dude, I never mentioned a date anyway.

Priest: Tuesday is a day, not a date.

Tom: Whatever, you got any booze dude?

Priest: Booze?

Sophie: Alcohol.

Priest: Only the communion wine, who are you anyway?

Tom: Dude, I'm Tom.

Priest: Thomas Soberman.

Tom: ...

Priest: ...

Tom: Meh, probably, why the fuck you care?

Priest: Aren't you dead?

Tom: No.

Priest: Then who's in the coffin?

Tom: Dude, you're the psychic.

Priest: I'm a priest not a fortune-teller.

Tom: I really couldn't give a shit man, where's this copulation wine?

Priest: Communion wine?

Tom: Who gives a shit, it's all good.

Priest: Don't you think you've had too much.

Tom: ...

Priest: You sure?

Tom: ...

Priest: Well I can't hand it out anyway.

Tom: Dude, you suck more than that dude over there on the 2 sticks.

Sophie: Jesus?

Tom: Whatever.

I need to get him out.

Sophie: Father, I think it might be best if we ignored today's incidents completely, don't you agree.

Priest: I couldn't agree more my child, but please tell your friend to get his head out of the tabernacle.

Sophie: I'd be happy to. I'd also like to confess a sin please.

Priest: Well, I don't know if this is the time.

Sophie: Oh it won't take long, I'm just having merciless thoughts regarding him.

Priest: Aren't we all.

Sophie: If you would, Father, close the funeral please, I think we have established this was one HUGE mistake.

Priest: A-fucking-men to that.

Sophie: What did you say?

Priest: Ugh. Nothing.

Sophie: Yeah, OK then.

Well, I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is this is going to take a hell of a lot of explaining by the time our next show rolls around, and we still don't have a name for it. Marvellous. Just fucking marvellous.

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