Mr Muggy presents the WWE... on LSD!

[Mr Muggy]

WWE Summerslam

August 27, 2006

Live from Tampa, Florida. Home of the ugliest uniforms in the world until the late 90s.

1. Kurt Angle vs. Masteroth

Tough call for the curtain jerker, but I wanted to start the match off with a bang. And right out of the gate, Kurt Angle tears his abdominal muscle with a bang. Masteroth is lead to the ring by the bowing Mordecai and they proceed to have a solid match. Masteroth looks for the Two Winged Angel, but Kurt Angle rolls through, seperates his shoulder and applies the ankle lock! Angle hears Mordecai entering the rink and breaks the little bones in his ear in the process and turns to belly to belly Mordecai out of the ring. That's when Masteroth throws his hand forward... and ice mysteriously appears zapping Kurt right in the chest! BLIZZAGA! Kurt Angle goes down in a heap as the 3 count is registered. Angle's HP has run out!

GAME OVER

2. WWE Intercontinental Title

Carlito © vs. "Randy" Randy Orton vs. CM Punk vs. Charlie Haas

Orton comes out declaring Carlito has the finest ass in the world. Haas is really begging for attention, because he walks up to Orton saying "What about me?" Orton gives him an "R"RKO and rolls him out to continue hitting on Carlito. CM Punk attacks them both from behind and turns into the wrestling match it should be. It degenerates into a high spot fest after a while until Orton nails a Thesz Press off the apron onto Carlito and humps him as much as he can until Haas pulls him off and posts him.

CM Punk and Haas fight in the ring to pure silence... so I radio in Punk to high kick Haas out of the ring and Carlito runs in to backcrack Punk for a 2 count and foot on the ropes. That's when Maria runs out! Carlito lifts Punk up, but Punk low blows him! Punk gets up as Maria gets in the ring... and Maria hits Punk with her shoe! Maria: "That's what you get for going out with that fine piece of ass.... oh wait, THAT'S ME! OH MY GOD PHIL ARE YOU OK?!" Randy comes in and preaches to the woman that he built a shrine for to come back to his hotel for some 3 way action later... that's when Haas runs in and dropkicks Orton out of the ring! Haas randomly kisses Maria to get a reaction, but everyone's kissed her already, so it's dead silence. He lifts up CM Punk and hits a Scoop Reverse DDT and gets the 3 count! Charlie Haas is the Intercontinental Champion!

To deafening silence.

*Pindrop*

Candice fakes an orgasm.

And that was the lone reaction to Charlie Haas' title win. This reign is gonna rock.

3. The Rolling Sea of FAT vs. Pimptista and the Godfather

The Rolling Sea of FAT comes out drinking tequila shots and eating the worm of course just to get the Godfather. AND THAT'S A SHOOT BROTHER! Pimptista and the Godfather are followed by the hos including special guest ho, Nicole Ritchie playing herself.

The Godfather stands on the apron jittering worried he needs a drink as Pimptista picks apart the fat cells. Ahmed eventually tugs on the pimp hand to try and get his glove off, but he gets a PIMP BACKHAND~! Mark Henry attacks by engulfing him in fat. Godfather waits on the apron as Ahmed waves the tequila bottle at him. Pimptista finally counters a running splash by rolling out of the damn way and gets the tag in! Godfather attacks with clotheslines and BIG HOSS SLAMS! He whips Ahmed into the turnbuckle and lines up for the HO TRAIN~~~~! CHUGA CHUGA CHUGA... Ahmed moves out of the way as the Godfather falls in the corner.... the same corner with the bottle of tequila. Godfather opens the bottle looking to go for a long drink... and breaks the bottle over Ahmed's head! The referee turns around seconds later after dealing with the Pimptista/Henry fight as Godfather covers for the 3! The Godfather has fought alcoholism... and the Godfather wins! He heads off to lead a crusade against Duff beer now.

D'OH!

4. DX (Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Samoa Joe, Jimmy Snuka, and Umaga) vs. The Mighty Morphin Power Squad

And it's Morphin Time in Tampa! God, typing that sentence felt so fucking good. DX comes out accompinied by a Samoan music group as the entire group does a Samoan dance. You haven't lived till you've seen HHH try to do a Samoan dance. They all end with crotch chops to prove why their in DX. The Squad go right after the Samoans and degenerates, but it doesn't work that well at first. It's HOSS AND VETERAN DOMINANCE! Nicky the Black Ranger is finally able to chop block the old man on the team (in this case, Jimmy Snuka). After an extended beat down, Kenny the Red Rangers misses a KennyKaze (Flying Legdrop) and Snuka is able to tag in Samoa Joe! JOE'S GONNA MAKE YOU SUCK IT!

Wow... I need to work on that phrase big time.

Joe chops and kicks people and places into the future and even hits a muscle buster on Johnny the Yellow Ranger! He gets a 2 count when Mitch the Blue Ranger saves. Shane-O-5 runs out with something in a bag and calls Mikey the Pink Ranger. Mikey: "Shane! Help! WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO BE THE PINK RANGER!" Shane pulls something out of the bag and Mikey's eyes light up behind his mask. Shane: "This is the reason."

Meanwhile, everyone has left the ring except Shawn Michaels and Kenny the Red Ranger. Shawn hit the big elbow and lines up for the Sweet Chin Music. He throws his foot out when an ARROW! YES AN ARROW comes flying in and stab Shawn right in the leg! Mikey used the Pink Ranger's bow to shoot an arrow right at Shawn Michaels leg! Shawn rolls around the ring bleeding and clutching his leg as Kenny leaps off the top rope with the KennyKaze for the 3 count.

5. NWA Television Title

CW Anderson © vs. Terry Funk

The Southern Boyz make a cameo by running and saying the COUNTRY BOYS WILL SURVIVE! Terry Funk smacks them with a cookie sheet to get them out of the way. CW's about to say something about baking cookies the old fashioned way before Terry pops him with a sheet to start this match off proper. The classic old school NWA brawl as I completely unban the piledriver (and somewhere Jerry Lawler wacks off) and let Terry Funk piledrive CW until he's thinks it's the 1930s. Terry Funk goes up top looking for his Ancient Moonsault, but Maven runs in and pulls Terry down! It's an ECW match, so there's no DQs! Maven then grabs Terry's head and Maven Effect's him into the mat! He then spikes CW for shits and giggles and just sits back in the corner wanting to see who gets up first. Funk is able to crawl to CW first... 1...2... TIME EXPIRED! Yep, it's the TV title. 15 minute time limits! Terry Funk took too long to crawl over for the cover. Maven gets up with a cruel and sinister look on his face. The microphones catch him mouthing the words "This is only the beginning of the renaissance." CW wakes up wondering where the hell he's at and did he miss the latest Miami Vice. Don Johnson was so fucking awesome.

6. WWE United States Title

Lashley © vs. Mark Jindrak vs. GODZILLA!

Lashley and Mark Jindrak agree to beat the crap out of GODZILLA! first and then face each other. You can guess how that goes. Daivari just runs around screaming how were gonna die, so Lashley comes out there and heaves him into the 10th row to get him to shut up. Lashley turns around right into a BIG ASS DROPKICK on the floor! It's on the floor, so it hurts extra more.

GODZILLA! for once waits patiently in the ring waiting for the other two guys to decimate each other. Jindrak enters the ring and leaps for the DROPKICK, but GODZILLA! moves and hits him with his tail. GODZILLA! decimates Jindrak for a while before going for a ball of fire... he shoots it, and he misses Jindrak, but lights a turnbuckle on fire! Jindrak nails GODZILLA! with a BIG ASS DROPKICK from behind and GODZILLA! catches on fire! Even GODZILLA! knows stop, drop, and roll, and that's exactly what he does. Jindrak then covers for a 1 before he gets pressed right out of the ring! Lashley and his huge muscles are back in the ring now, and he goes to work on GODZILLA! with powerful punches and lariats that can't knock him down! He finally goes for a top rope one, but eats a CLOTHESLINE FROM TOKYO! Jindrak enters the ring with a springboard... and eats a GODZILLA! BOMB! GODZILLA! covers Lashley with his body and Jindrak with his tail and pins them both at the same time to win the U.S. Title!

Daivari recovers in the seats to scream "GODZILLA! HAS TAKEN OVER THE CONTINENTAL 48! ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE AND SOME BLACK PEOPLE ARE DOOMED!" GODZILLA! celebrates by breathing some more fire and carrying the belt off in his teeth.

7. WWE Championship

Edge © vs. John Cena

Edge lost another game of truth or dare, so he has to wrestle the match in a thong with a heart on the front of it. The heart grows everytime Edge looks at Lita. Orton: "I can tell."

Cena is RESILIANT, CONTROVERSIAL, and UNORTHODOX so he gets the early advantage until Lita trips him up with an S & M whip. Edge spears Cena from behind and out of the ring to start the heat segment. Cena is finally able to hit a flying shoulder block and start his combo that leads up to the Fireman's Carry of Doom. He hits and puts on the STF OF FREAKING DEATH as Lita freaks out on the outside. She pulls the ref out and starts arguing with him as she tosses Edge something on the side... IT'S A LOADED BANANA! Cena takes a shot from the loaded banana, and there's the 3 count for Edge! Edge retains the title thanks to Lita and her loaded banana. I can't type that without laughing and grimacing at the same time.

ON THIS DAY

HE CAN SEE CLEARLY

8. ECW World Championship

"Hardcore" Hulk Hogan © vs. "Vote For" Muhammad Hassan "In 2008"

Before we start this, I would just like to say...

JOHN CENA IS LEAVING THE BUILDING.

Okay, now to the match. Muhammad rides his carpet to the ring and attacks Hogan from the get-go to get those votes. People want a president who's on top of everything right away. He goes right after Hogan's neck setting up the Horse Clutch (because camel's don't work on this side of things). He goes for the clutch, but Hogan powers out and snapmares him over. One of Muhammad's supporters leaps on the apron to protest, but Hogan knocks him out with a chop! Hogan used a chop! News at 11! Hogan turns around right into a Ballot Punch! Hassan covers... and gets the 3 count!

Muhammad parades around the ring holding the ECW title until the ref realizes Hogan's foot was on the bottom rope! The referee restarts the match as Muhammad loses his mind. He covers again for 2, but the Hardcore one pushes off of him and HULKS UP! He hits the 3 punches, a big boot, and nails Muhammad in the head with an inner tube! It's Hogan, so Muhammad is unconscious! Hogan then drops the leg and gets the 3 count! He heads to the back with the ECW Title still around his waist.

Meanwhile, no one notices the fact that Muhammad Hassan has one foot under the bottom rope during that entire pinfall.

DUN DUN DUN.....

9. World Heavyweight Championship

King Booker of Pluto © vs. The Paultimate Warrior

The Paultimate Warrior simply walks to the ring knowing the gravity of tonight's match. He still takes some time out of his schedule though to shake the ropes and blow up already. King Booker comes out with his World title and 30 of his loyalist subjects from Pluto who declare "#%$^*$_}|}#%#^$($%$#OOOOOOOHH@$#@%$#@%$#()^*$^$)^^(^(^*()$^$)(}{" That's either Plutonian for "ALL HAIL KING BOOKER" or "FREE PLUTO FROM THE DAMN ASTROLOGY BOARD!" Take your pick.

The blue creatures surround the ring almost like a lumberjack match. King Booker pitches the Warrior to the floor and the Plutonians attack! Warrior takes 5 of them out with right hands before entering the ring and eating a leaping super kick. He takes the heat segment longer than usual making people wonder if he was ready for the main event. He's finally able to power out of a chinlock and hit a flying shoulderblock... and HE GRABS THE ROPES! He starts getting his energy back when about 10 Plutonians leap on the apron to distract the ref! IT'S THE LITTLE BASTARD! GO 2 SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! The Warrior is out of it! Booker covers...

TWO COUNT! The King looks to finish him off with a Book-End, but Warrior spins the arm around and hits a judo STO and GRABS THE ROPES AGAIN! Cue the no-selling! Shoulder block! Clothesline! Clothesline! Clothesline! A Plutonian runs in and the Paultimate Warrior gorilla presses him right onto all 29 other Plutonians taking them out! PILE-UP! Booker goes for the scissor kick, but Paul raises his head and gorilla presses King Booker over head! BOOM! He goes down! BAM! WARRIOR SPLASH! 1...2...3! NEW WORLD CHAMPION!

And The Paultimate one swings the World Heavyweight Belt around his head like it was nothing! He runs around the ring gassing himself up in celebration on defeating the King of Pluto! He kicked Uranus!

The final scene is The Paultimate Warrior standing on the turnbuckle over 30 Plutonians and King Booker with the World Heavyweight Title over his shoulder.

The proceeding show was full of destructicity.

------------------------

I'll let that show sink in a bit. The rest of the shows will be up over the next few days. Thoughts? Comments? Cries for help?

[billyzzz80]

...

...

...

...Slow Clap!

[Mr Muggy]

THE DIARY IS STILL ALIVE!

Sorry I haven't been posting anything on this as of late. I've been a busy beaver. I have gotten the chance to make a few more shows and I had posted them on the other boards. I will get them up over the next week or two. So yes, this still alive. And if your just reading this diary for the first time... welcome to the ride.

[The Z-Man]

This is the single greatest thing ever anywhere.

There are no words to describe the true awesomeness of this diary.

This is one of the greatest things I have ever read and you can quote me on that.

[NobBe Nobbs]

God help me, I laughed. A lot.

Oh wait, this is the Dome.

...TGC help me, I laughed. Especially at the Mighty Morphing Power Squad, because I still mark for the Rangers. Even now, as an adult and a productive member of society...>_>

[Mr Muggy]

WWE RAW

August 28, 2006

Billie Jean is not my lover. We're just fuck-buddies.

1. This is Vince. Vince is doing well. Very well indeed. And not just cause endorses erectile dysfunction pills and is getting laid every night by hot blonde 18 year olds. No, Vince is doing well because the Mighty Morphin Power Squad defeated the Degenerates and Samoans last night. And he also plans on them to wrestle tonight in another 5 on 5 match in the main event! Yes, that includes Shawn Michaels who was shot in the leg last night with an arrow from Mikey the Pink Ranger.

Mikey runs into the shot screaming "I'm Mikey the Pink Ranger, and I'm a badass mother fucker! I HAVE A BOW AND ARROW!"

2. Nicky the Black Ranger & Johnny the Yellow Ranger vs. The Eskimos

Rory and Robbie as Alaskan Eskimos who have come to America don't light the world on fire... so let's job them to the Black and Yellow Rangers! Mikey is still running around the ring screaming "I have a bow and arrow! Come and get me mother fuckers!" Rory finally goes after him to stop that, and that leaves Robbie in the ring to get his ass kicked and finished off with a Johnny Go Round from Johnny, and a Widowmaker from Nicky for the 3 count.

3. CM Punk and Maria are in the back as CM sits on a bench and forgives her for her hitting him with a shoe. The road and travel has affected her mind and all that. He understands. Maria: "I know Phil. It's my fault that you lost the IC title shot. But I'll see to it that you get another shot!" CM thanks the lord that he found the perfect girl. Drug free, alcohol free, tobacco free... just the perfect girl. He's gonna head into the hallway and get them a couple of Pepsis. He'll be right back.

CM closes the door as Maria's cheery face turns grim as reaches into her purse and pulls out a box of Virgin Slims and starts to smoke one!

4. And now we go to a shot out in the parking lot outside of the arena to see a big bus roll in with the words "This Bus Belong to Degeneration X" on it. The door opens and out pops about 20 strippers, Candice Michelle faking an orgasm, Benny Hill, Frank Zappa, Beth Phoenix (APPEARANCE POINTS ON WWE FANTASY!), a goat, a donkey, the 1996 Denver Broncos, and Degeneration X to a big pop. I have no clue which one got the biggest pop, so we'll just say the goat did.

5. Adult Education Teacher, Matt Striker is in WWE Champion Edge and Lita's locker room teaching them new positions to try.

Striker: "Now have you ever heard of ear sex?" Edge: "Uh... I think I'll pass." Lita: "I've done it before!" Edge is in supreme shock. Matt Striker is trying to teach them new positions to celebrate in now that Edge is free of John Cena forever and ever and ever. Lita says she learned a lot from those OMEGA orgies. Edge wishes he was in the Carolinas in the 1990s now. That was some kooky stuff. Lita: "You have no clue what they would put up Jeff Hardy's ass!"

6. Johnny Nitro vs. Ric Flair

Johnny Nitro comes out and declares that he and Melina have done ear sex since 2004. ROCK ON! But they never put anything up Jeff Hardy's ass for the record. Ric Flair tells Melina he has something for her ass, and Nitro attacks! Nitro beats Ric Flair and hits Edge's COD before lining Ric Flair up for the spear. Flair dodges and chops him into oblivion. Out runs Rob Conway screaming about the video game Ric Flair interrupted weeks ago! Flair decides to beale him in to go all Donkey Kong on his ass before Nitro runs in from the side with a Nitro Spear for the 3 count. Nitro and Melina race to the back to have ear sex while Conway slides in and beats down Ric Flair and hits My Fucking Finisher on him. And that was a Jin Kazama level beatdown right there.

7. Viscera Ross is backstage with his paintbrush and easel. And he says today we're going to paint some happy little bushes over to the side here using Vomituous Green and Ahmed Johnson Brown. I hope your happily offended. As he starts painting, we get some crossover appeal from a famous ECW figure...

OBJECTION~!

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=928644

Stevie Phoenix walks away with confidence. Meanwhile, Viscera seems shattered like so many pieces of glass.

8. "Randy" Randy Orton vs. Carlito

Orton doesn't want to do this to his life-long buddy, pal, and future butt buddy. Carlito is all fuck that and proceeds to be Orton around for about 5 minutes until Orton walks away from the match and takes a count-out. He asks why can't we talk about this over dinner? Carlito: "Cause you hate Mexican food!" This is the greatest one-sided bisexual love story ever produced on national television people. Beats out anything Alan Cummings ever did.

9. Backstage, Eric Bischoff isn't happy with the fact that KANE hasn't got the attention he deserves lately, so he's using his authority to make a match next week... next week, KANE will prove his worthiness by taking on both Randy Orton and his life partner, Carlito in a triple threat match for a title shot at Unforgiven. Carlito runs in to the shot screaming about he doesn't swing that way. Kane grabs Carlito's legs and giant swings him into the wall. Bischoff: "HOW DO YOU SWING NOW CARLITO!?" They walk away with the damage done. Orton looks on in the distance with tears rolling down his cheek.

10. Degeneration X vs. The Bashams, C Shelton Benjamin, Lance Cade, & Trevor Murdoch

C Shelton suggest that his team will probably...

A. Job

B. Job

C...... Aw hell, they're jobbing. Let's face it.

And before I continue, let me just say...

JOHN CENA WAS NOT ON THIS SHOW.

Now that we got that out of the way, Danny Basham continues to stay EVIL~! by kicking at Shawn's bad leg and going to town on it until Doug runs in to stop him and try to be a compassionate individual. Shawn tags in Umaga in the meantime, and it's HEADBUTTS AHOY! Umaga hits butt splashes to everyone but Trevor Murdoch, cause he knows Trevor has serious issues and he probably needs to join the same club with Roadkill. Umaga hits a final butt splash to Lance Cade as HHH gets in and hits the only move he uses for the night, the Pedigree for the victory. Yeah, I gotta keep putting HHH over. DX celebrate in the ring and that's supposed to be the end of the night, right? Well, this is only the tenth segment, so...

11. If you think that's the end of the show.... your WRONG! Vince appears on the screen outside and declares this to be the greatest night in the history of the WWE. For he has found the threat that will finish off those degnerates once and for all. And it's right behind me! He moves out of the way, and all we see is the DX Bus that was driven in for them... and that's when a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE boot steps crushing all the cars nearby! The camera scans up and up and up and up...

HOLY SHIT! IT'S THE MEGAZORD!

The Megazord towers over EVERYTHING and is as tall as the arena! With the Megazord Sword of Death in hand, he slashes down and destroys the DX Bus by cutting it in half and watching it explode! Vince, Shane-O-5, and the Mighty Morphin Power Squad in the cockpit of the Zord laugh it up as the show comes to a close....

This show was brought to you be Trojan. Please have sex.

------------------------------------------

Now according to the other board, this is the show where I either became a genius or lost my fucking mind. I'll let you be the judge. I'll post more tomorrow.

[Mr Muggy]

ECW on Sci-Fi

August 29, 2006

The end of the beginning of the end of August.

1. Maven vs. Mikey Whipwreck

And we start the show with a caw through the chilly air, and out comes the cult mastermind, the Maven. Whipwreck is a bit nervous, and he should be. Maven takes him apart with punches and a bulldog and sets up a chair. Mikey eats a drop toe hold in and blades for effect. Maven screams in his ear, he's just a victim of his renaissance. Nothing more, nothing less. He then pulls poor Mikey up and gives him a Maven Effect for the 3 count. Afterwards, Terry Funk hobbles to the ring, but Maven has already turned around by the time Terry gets there and proceeds to hit him in the nuts with the chair. Since Terry it getting old, he doesn't feel it and proceeds to left hand Maven until he runs like a SCALDED DOG. That son of a bitch, Maven runs away from that son of a bitch Terry Funk. CW is watching backstage with his NWA TV Title over his shoulder while sipping a Diet Rite. What a son of a bitchin way to end that segment.

2. The Big Foot is backstage hiding behind boxes trying not to be seen by the camera. He's Big Foot after all. That's when the world's greatest lawyer steps in from the side.

OBJECTION~!

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=946256

Big Foot ain't gonna hear this! He grabs Stevie by the throat and chokeslams him vertical into the wall! Stevie is left down in a heap as Big Foot goes back to hiding and diving behind crates and boxes throughout the hallway.

3. Lance Storm the Alien & Japanese Tourist Tajiri vs. Mordecai & Masteroth

Tajiri thinks this is familiar. It's Chris Masters dressed up like that Sephiroth guy! Oh, all those kids in Japan do that these days! Masteroth doesn't take to kindly to Tajiri breaking kafaybe, and he hits him with a Polish Hammer we shall call the Masamune. Mordecai hits a Franchiser on the Alien (who must be pissed at the way the aliens on Pluto are being treated). Mordecai kicks him in Uranus and throws him to the outside. Uranus jokes will never get old. Mordecai then bearhugs Tajiri up and tosses him right into the Two Winged Angel from Masteroth, and the poor Japanese Tourist who just wants to take pictures and see the sights passes out from the power. After the match, Lance Storm the Alien is getting up on the apron, when Masteroth points at him and suddenly, light appears from his hand... BIO SPELL! He poisoned Lance! Lance starts puking his guts out and running to the back as Masteroth cackles in laughter.

His HP points are still very high along with his MP... and then something comes on, on the big screen!

4. Kurt Angle is on the screen with the chair swinging freak, Balls Mahoney! Kurt gets the idea. 2 on 1 is their name of the game. Beat one guy down, and then destroy the other one. Well, he can play that game too. And now, he's got some backup to help him pull that off. Kurt introduces his Balls! Now that he has Balls, he will be able to beat Mordecai and Masteroth till their blue! And he will beat them over and over and over and over until they start spiting up..... blood. And then he will celebrate.... by wacking off backstage! Cause he's Olympic like that. Kurt then screams really loudly, ruptures his spleen and walks away.

Balls: "Um.... what he said. Without the spleen part."

Balls walks away. Masteroth seems amused.

5. Kelly Kelly is out now. She declares equal rights in ECW! You can guess how that gets over with the misogynistic crowds in ECW. Of course, after she declares equal rights, she strips to her bra and panties and says she will fight in them tonight. Aren't all equal rights activists hypocritical in some way shape and form anyways? Now that she wants equal, she wants equal opportunity. Sure, she doesn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch and a headlock from giving head, but she will get in there and challenge the greatest wrestler in the world...

*okay, at this point, she breaks into laughter, cause even she can't say that with a straight face*

"Hardcore" Hulk Hogan! And tonight, she declares she will win this non-title match and soon become the queen of ECW!

6. "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan vs. Kelly Kelly

Hogan wants to make sure Kelly wants to do this... and she responds with a dropkick... that only hits in Hogan's hip. It sends Hogan down since it is his hip after all. Kelly takes off her high heel shoe and starts to go to work on the ribs of Hogan! Holy snoogies! She can't wrestle worth a damn, but she can sure as hell hit you in the rib with a high heel! Hogan gets back up and ends up bodyslamming her to the greatest pop of the night. He lines up for an elbow, but she dodges it and reaches under the ring for something. She throws the make-up case at Hogan when she gets back in and kicks it in his face with a rising kick. KELLY KELLYNATOR!!!! She covers,.... 2 count! HULK UP! Hulk punches her down and then puts a rubbie duckie on top of her face. HOGAN LEGDROP ONTO THE RUBBIE DUCKIE INTO HER FACE! Yeah, she's comatose. 3 count and it's over.

Afterwards, Hogan poses for a while till Kelly Kelly wakes up. Hogan helps her up and they do Hogan poses for a few minutes (picture THAT). Hogan goes to hug Kelly... and KELLY LOW BLOWS HOGAN! Hogan goes down as Kelly goes up to the... TOP ROPE?! Kelly Kelly, RIPS OFF HER BRA (Hey, Sci-Fi, they probably ain't real anyways, so we can have them on the network.), and then... HITS A CORKSCREW SHOOTING STAR PRESS ON HOGAN! Kelly gets back up, puts her bra back on, and walks away calmly as everyone is left shocked with their mouths open.

Kelly Kelly walks up the aisle and right past Muhammad Hassan who stands in the aisleway with something on his shoulder... it looks like a replica of the ECW Title! What the fuck is going on? And we're off the air....

If Kelly has a legacy, will her future kids 300 years from now be named Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly? Just wondering.

[Mr Muggy]

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IReportWrestlingForSex.com reports The Sandman has signed on to a one year extension a on a contract that was due at the end September. Apparently, he really needs the money.

---------------------------------------

WWE Smackdown!

September 1, 2006

Wake me up when September ends.

1. And we start this shindig with Daivari running out screaming "THE UNITED STATES IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE GODZILLA! STATES OF AMERICA!" GODZILLA! comes out with the US title belt around his neck and breathes fire in the air as pyro goes off around him. See? Get gold, get the awesome intro. Daivari continues to run around the ring screamin in fear saying "GODZILLA! FEARS NO MAN! GODZILLA! WILL TRAMPLE LITTLE KITTENS! GODZILLA! WILL GODZILLA! BOMB GEORGE W. BUSH! GODZILLA! WILL TOTALLY PWN YOUR SOUL!"

And this promo is interrupted by the same vid we've seen the past two weeks. A really round man on the screen that GODZILLA! reacts to violently. We then hear a voice that says "Next week... I return. And I will do what no other man can do.... I will eliminate the Lizard King." GODZILLA! breathes a big fireball at the titantron after that last line in anger and destroys it. Well, at least we have one on the other side. GODZILLA! just destroys everything at ringside and jumps through the announce table to destroy that too before roaring to the back in a fit of anger.

2. Gunner Scott vs. Brian Kendrick

Gunner comes out with his girlfriend Janie this time. Gunner and Brian shakes hands and have a nice solid match that ends when Scott flips Kendrick onto his feet on a Sliced Bread #2 attempt and takes his head off with the Double Barreled Shotgun Blast for the 3 count! BANG BANG! Gunner shakes Brian's hand just like he did to Burchill last week. Brian tells him he knows a place in town where they sell antique guns. I think it was owned by a guy called Herman with one arm. Gunner is all for it! Gunner, Janie, and Brian leave to check this place out.

3. Michelle McDoanld is walking backstage when Jillian Hall meets up with her backstage. What was up with that last week? McDonald is sorry... did she want fries with that loss? CATFIGHT! Clothes get ripped off until both girls are left in their underwear. Jillian in a red lingerie number, McDonald with the Hamburglar printed all over hers and her bra. I'll let that image soak in for a while now like chicken nuggets in peanut oil...

There ya go.

4. Ahmed Johnson and Mark Henry are sitting backstage at a table with nothing on it completely oblivious to the last segment apparently.. Ahmed: "I'm hungry." Henry: "I'm hungry." Ahmed: "Hey you wanna eat that entire vending machine?" Henry: "I'm all for it!" They walk away to the nearby vending machine. Much carnage ensues, I assure you."

5. Sugar Shane Helms comes out to his latest hit "I'm In Your Church, Worshipping Your Soul" and starts to croon it until PIMPS UP, HOS DOWN hits and we get Pimp N' Pimp Connection coming out with a line of 6 awesome hos with more silicone than a gasket maker. Pimptista offers Sugar Shane a ho for the night. It looks like he needs one. Sugar Shane is not on the market right now. he doesn't need a one night stand to make him feel special! All his pre-puebescent girls are here cheering him on! Pimptista tells Shane Helms the offer is only for right now. Get away from Lance Bass' ass and get some of this fine chocolate thunder to my left! Shane Helms takes offense to that and hits Pimptista with a dropkick, and the match is on!

6. Pimptista vs. Sugar Shane Helms

Sugar Shane says he wants him to feel the love...and that just pastes him with a right hand. He slaps him around screaming "God must've spent a little more time on you!" before Pimptista comes back and PIMP SLAPS~! him like a ho and nails him with a All-Japan approved Lariat. One Pimptista Bomb later, and it's all over. Pimptista takes a drink from his pimp cup and says "Now that's good lemonade."

7. Everything is calm and peaceful. No political propaganda in the Smackdown locker room. And then...

~ BONG ~

He's coming back to Smackdown....again.

~ BONG ~

8. The Rematch of the Rematch of the Century

Masato Tanaka vs. Simon Dean

And I think you know where this is going....

Super Nova! Poke to the Retina! Smack a Yak Pattywack! Give the Dog a Bone! Lancaster Lariat of Lust! Remember the Teen Titans! Salvation Driver! Puberty Plaster! Clothesline from HULLLLLL! Pity City! Comb Over! Iceland Express Slam! Sinner Suplex! Skull Fuck Spinebuster! SimCity Slam! XBOXINATOR! Simon Dean used an XBox for a weapon! Simon Dean is DQed giving Masato the first win in this war! Of course he still no-sells it and we keep going!

Maneater! Noah's Ark! Van Wizardnator! Flipping Tiger 450 Crash! Double Goozle! The Chase Effect! The Roger Effect! The Matrix Effect! EYE OF THE TIGER! Midnight Ride! Big Boot to the Funny Bone! And they both hit each other will 900 degree revolution dropkicks to end it all!

9. The Southern Boys are backstage drinking Jim Beam and Jack Daniels from the bottle talking about how pathetic all the other teams on Smackdown are. Noble: "Wait, there are other teams?" Get Over Here Dammit runs in barking up a storm and Kash and Noble wonder what he's barking about. The dog runs away, and Noble and Kash chase after him. Kash: "Maybe Timmy fell down the well again!" Noble: "That kid is one dumb fuck, I tells ya." The dog finally stop at a spot where it pooped on the floor. THAT WAS IT? That's all you wanted to show? Get Over Here Dammit, get back to your room! We're the tag team champions, and all we got was a lousy segment with poop in it? My dad, Col. Sanders wouldn't approve of this!

10. King Booker of ANGER, Finlay, William Regal vs. Emo Hardy, Lashley, Mark Jindrak

Emo Hardy starts to lament about how life is nothing more than inconsequential series of events. King Booker slaps him down and tells him to shut the fuck up. He's ANGRY right now that a kid on caffeine pills is holding his World title. So Emo Hardy plays face in peril for a while until Finlay misses a charge into the post and tags in Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak attacks with a one leap springboard clothesline and then a high leapfrog before lariating William from behind. It turns into a 6 man cluster fucl that ends up with King Booker and Emo Hardy in the ring. Emo hits the Slow and Painful Existence Legdrop and lines up for the Twist of Fate as the ref wacks off in the corner of seeing Finlay and Mark Jindrak fight outside. Cue our weekly visit from the Little Bastard! He turns Emo Hardy around and hits him with the Stan Hansen LARIATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! He escapes as King Booker of ANGER digs his forearm into Hardy's face and pins him for the 3. But he's still not happy! He's a king... OF ANGER!

Meanwhile on the floor, Lashley grabs the steel steps and HURRRRLLLLS theme up the aisleway at William Regal who is running away. It is absolute freakish strength I tell ya!

11. Okay, I'm gonna do my best to write a Paultimate Warrior promo. Work with me here kids.

The pyro shoots from the entry way and purple, green, yellow, lavender, pink, black, teal, and lima green confetti comes from the ceiling. The Paultimate Warrior comes out wearing the World Title around his waist with a brand new corn yellow leather piece to it. He grabs a mic, and this comes out.

"My fellow warriors, tonight, we have reached the pinnacle of our grand consistence. We have come from a far away place in the scope of time to be here and look into our own eyes to find out what it is that we are! And we know that we are WARRRRRRRRRRIORS! Now that you see I am wearing a shiny piece around my stone cold rock hard hips, you can see into my soul and into my heart that I am of pure DESTRUCTICITY, and I am the master of the xylophone! And with that tune, I am able to create a song that hypnotizes the world, and tells them to feel the power of the Paultimate Warrior, live through me, live vicariously through me and my powerful enormisity! And with this power, you can create the fuel! The fuel for the spaceship as we blast into the stars and the moon! And when we reach the planet Warrior, we will strip naked and dance with all the other little Warriors!

Under the moonlight, can you see the skeletons of your past and you can understand the ways of the Warrior, and feel his might and hygeine! Oh lord feel his hygeine and cleanliness! The Paultimate Warrior is clean and shaven! And with that shaveniscity, I, the Paultimate Warrior will bring the irregularness to the WWE! With the Planet Warrior World Title, I will show the galaxies million of miles away watching on their monitors on channel Z6420 that I AM THE PAULTIMATE WARRIOR! And I will take you to a place that you have never been before! I will take you into the recesses, the backalleys, and the clubs of life! And there we will partake in Plinko for a chance to win up to $50,000 in cash! And when we come back, you will truly understand the power of the Warrior, and the only way to live is....to...

SURVIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

And that closes out the show...

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

-----------------

And that's all for tonight. Tomorrow, more insanity!

[Steve Corino]

YES! The Plinko promo! I loved the Plinko promo! Sime, you still the man, mang.

[Mr Muggy]

WWE RAW

September 4, 2006

Currently trying to make Kenny the Red Ranger on FirePro Wrestling...

1. Vince McMahon is in the parking lot standing in front of something huge... and of course we scan up to see it's THE MEGAZORD! You see DX, with the Megazord in his power now, he has full reign of RAW again. Anyone that wants to mock him, destroy him, or try to ruin his life... they'll have to contend with this. They will have to contend with a machine the size of an arena! And there's no one in the world that can contend with this monstrosity! Right guys?

Power Squad sitting in the cockpit come over the megaphone: "RIGHT BOSS!!" Mikey: "I'LL KILL ANY MEMBER OF DX! I'M THE PINK RANGER! I FUCK YOUR SHIT UP!"

Oh yeah, Samoa Joe has to fight Johnny the Yellow Ranger & Kenny the Red Ranger in a handicap match with no DX members at ringside. Vince then doesn't do a crotch chop to remind us he's not in DX.

2. Ric Flair is heading towards the ringside area for his match when Rob Fucking Conway walks in from the side screaming at Flair. Flair: "Your fighting me over a video game. What the hell man?" Conway: "You think this is about.... coffee? Er, um... fuck, I mean a video game?" Conway then proceeds to tell Flair he fucking despises him for all his titles, all his years of service and all the sluts he's had a chance to fuck on the side when his wife ain't putting out. Flair gets REAL pissed at that and goes right after Conway, but the refs pull them away from each other! Flair screams he wants him at Unforgiven, and Conway accepts! Hey, we got a match for a PPV! Booking with a future! My God... I really am on LSD!

3. John Cena & Ric Flair vs. The Basham Brothers

JOHN CENA IS HERE IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT! THIS IS MUST SEE TELEVISION!

Flair and Doug Basham start as they do a nice technical encounter. They shake hands and trade off tag team partners. Cena and Danny come in, and Danny immediately pokes Cena in the eye and starts trying to rip his ear off. Doug sighs on the apron really loud. Cena fights through Danny Basham trying to rip his face off and wear it for Halloween and ends up tagging in Ric Flair and watches as Flair proceeds to OUT CHEAT Danny! Testicular claw, pokes to the eyes, wishbones, knees to the groin, the trick knee trick... Flair just goes out of his way to make Danny unable to continue the Basham legacy. Doug comes in to ask Ric Flair to stop, but Cena clotheslines him over the top. Flair hits one more low blow for the hell of it and rolls up Danny-Boy for the 3 count and the win. Remember kids, cheating is worth it. Do it in your life too!

4. Charlie Haas comes out with the Intercontinental Title to celebrate with his fans... and of course, we take this opportunity to go to the bathroom and shirt stands after a John Cena match. Haas is not happy! He just won the IC title! He won a title in the WWE! You people should care!

Pure silence.

I HAVE CANDY!

*People pay attention*

And I'll give to all the kids in the audience!

And that turns off a lot of people, cause that makes Charlie look like a pedophile. Some of the crowd start to boo him, and Haas walks off in disgust and anger.

5. Maria is backstage at a nearby corner. She looks around for a moment as if she's making sure no one is looking... and then she pulls out a flask of some kind in her hand from her purse. She opens the cap, and from the way she takes it down, it looks like it was alcohol! She screws the cap on as we here "MARIA!" calls from the distance. Maria swiftly throws the flask back in her purse as CM Punk walks into the shot and kisses her on the neck from behind. She keeps her face away so he doesn't small the al-key-hol. They continue the conversation as we fade out, with Maria's eyes filled with worry and CM Punk going on oblivious like most foils in these things...

6. Samoa Joe vs. Johnny the Yellow Ranger & Kenny the Red Ranger

This is Joe people... he stays dominant for a while until he starts doing the crotch chops, and Johnny hits the Johnny Go Round from behind. They take over until they go for a double clothesline, and Samoa Joe hits a double face kick and a senton on both of them at the same time! Geez! Samoa Joe dumps Johnny over the top and sets up a Muscle Buster for Kenny! That's when Shane-O 5 runs in, and Samoa Joe takes his head off with a lariat! But Nicky the Black Ranger runs in and hits him with a lariat of his own from behind to draw the DQ! The Squad do a MASS ATTACK on the big Samoan, and all of DX runs down to save Samoa Joe's ass! The Squad run off to the back... but DX says to hell with the posing and the crotch choping! HHH tells them to follow them! They chase them through the hallways and the Squad runs out the door of the arena....

7. DX then storm outside to take out Vince, Shane-O 5, and the Rangers. They open the door, and there stands the mighty Megazord! The zord lifts a foot up to squash DX, and they run in as fast as they can just in time as the foot crushes the ground they once stood on! They shut the door, lock it, and breath in panic. HHH: "Mother fucker, I thought that was computer animation last week!" Snuka: "You're a fucking idiot, you know that?!"

Shawn wonders how are we gonna be able to beat that thing? Joe simply says: "I'll find a way. You guys can trust me." Umaga says "Umaga".

8. -The I Hate Rene Dupree Series-

Match 1: Rene Dupree vs. Viscera Ross

Alright... I think Rene Dupree is a waste of oxygen. So in order to get my nerdy geeky revenge on him, I'll job him out to crappy opponents in a wrestling simulator. REVENGE IS SWEET!

So Viscera hits him with a Scrapbuster Slam and finishes it off with a Big Splash of Color for the 3 count. He then proceeds to do a quick oil painting of the destruction he caused and entitles it "Le Puke le Crap le Feces".

9. Candice Michelle is in the back doing a photo shoot for WWE magazine. The pic looks like she is faking an orgasm. In the middle of a pose, Mickie James runs in and hits her upside the head with the women's title! She screams she'll eliminate the entire Women's Division one by one! And then just for the heck of it, she gives Candice a Mickie Hickey! Candice doesn't even have to fake an orgasm here.

10. Johnny Nitro is in the locker room with Melina... and the WWE Title! Edge and Lita couldn't be here tonight to witness a new #1 contender being made. They already had an appointment with Lady Heather at a ...um.... club, and they couldn't miss out on them. It's a 6 month waiting period involved there! So tonight, Nitro is watching his title for him and gonna scout these opponents while Melina and gives him a blowjob. It's called multi-tasking! Melina knows about multi-tasking too, because here comes Victoria with the whipped cream and honey....

If you got a boner after the last line.... I don't blame you.

Speaking of boners...

11. #1 Contender for the WWE Title

Kane vs. Carlito vs. "Randy" Randy Orton

Orton asks Carlito to help him take down. Carlito thinks this is a good idea... then Orton gives him a pat on the ass. Carlito goes to town on Orton while Bischoff tells Kane to wait and let them kill each other. After about 5 minutes, Kane runs at them and clotheslines them both down. He goes to slam dunk Carlito with a choke slam, but Orton catches him on the way up with his picture perfect dropkick. Cover gets a 1 and a toss to the floor. Kane goes to chokeslam Carlito again, but Carlito turns that into a DDT. Orton stalks back into the ring, and stalks Carlito from behind! He must be mad at that attack from earlier, and he sizes him up for an "R"RKO... and turns and hits one of the rising Kane instead! Orton admires his handywork... and takes a backcracker from Carlito!

Carlito covers and gets the 3 count! Carlito goes to Unforgiven for a shot at the WWE title!

Johnny Nitro is laid out on the couch with the covers over him along with Melina and Victoria smoking a cigarette and tells them "So was it good for you too? Oh yeah, who won?" Victoria: "Well in between the orgasm and the other orgasm, I think I saw some guy with a raccoon on his head win." Nitro: "OH SHIT, NOT CARLITO!"

And we fade to black...

Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking cigarettes usually means someone has a habit or people just had sexual relations. If it's the second, you rule.

[Mr Muggy]

ECW on Sci-Fi

September 5, 2006

Home of the latest women's rights movement.

1. Kelly Kelly vs. Shannon Moore

Shannon is in complete tool mode tonight with furry overcoat and high mohawk. Kelly Kelly walks up to Shannon and says.... "My God you suck!", slaps him in the face, and then hits him with a huge knee to the gut! Shannon goes down in pain as Kelly bounces off the ropes... and hits a STANDING STAR PRESS on Shannon Moore! She heads up to the top rope, STRIPS OFF THE BRA (!!!!!!!!!!) and hits a TORNADOOOOOOOOO~! for the victory! She dusts herself off, puts her high heels and bra back on, and walks away with a smirk on her face. Aldo looks at Shannon and says "My God... he's worse than I am! I didn't think that was possible! I have a hope in life!"

2. CW Anderson is in the back flipping through the channels on a 20 inch looking for CHiPS when Maven walks in. CW stands up and looks at Maven and says "Alright Adrian Adonis, your fun and games are over. I'm gonna have to call Luger and Windham in here to teach you a lesson! Flair hasn't got here yet on his private jet, but I'm sure he would give you a first class whoopin! Maven laughs at the delusionary dreams of young Christopher. He doesn't get it. He just came to indulge the information that Christopher will soon just be a part of the renaissance on ECW. Just a warning to the masses, even the mentally inferior ones like you.

CW: "Hey Adrian, you're breaking character!" Maven simply shakes his head with a smirk and walks as CW stands there and wonders what Dusty the booker is gonna do about this.

3. The Big Foot vs. Dreamer the Blue Fairy

Dreamer and the Sandman enter the ring and blow fairy dust into Big Foot's eyes to make him go to sleep. Big Foot counters that by slapping the shit out of both of them and tossing the Sandman to the floor. He becomes dominating with huge furry chops and high kicks and finishes it off with a choke slam and a double stomp for the victory. Big Foot stomps around in celebration when he turns around... and EATS a Guilty Verdict kick by you know who...

OBJECTION!

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=1015799

Stevie leaves will full confidence as the Big Foot is ENRAGED~~~~~!

4. The next thing we see is a special video in a lavish house on the coast of California. We scan around to see very zen kinda stuff. And then we go inside as we see kickboxing bags, yin yang decorations, and all sorts of oriental stuff. And we go to the bedroom.. and for the first time in a while, we see ROB VAN DAM! And he's in bed.... sleeping... THRILLING STUFF!

"The Whole Fucking Show Returns Soon....

5. Balls Mahoney vs. Mordecai

And we start this little feud with the two lesser men... at least in my eyes. C'mon, you expect me to put Masteroth and Kurt Angle back in there again without hype?

Kurt Angle is proud of his Balls as he dominates the start of this match until Masteroth does what every true world dominating villain would do... he trips Balls. Kurt is angry and goes after Masteroth, but Masteroth shoots a Fira spell at him, but Kurt ducks it just in time and stays on his side of the ring. Mordecai takes over, and goes for the Iron Claw, but Balls fights out of that and goes for the Balls Combo punches. Masteroth is in shock and leaps to the apron for a spell, and Balls punches him right off the apron! Kurt Angle goes over to fight now since Masteroth doesn't have time to throw a spell, and that distracts the ref for a bit. Balls lines up Mordecai for a Ball Breaker, but Mordecai is fidgeting with his hands... FIREBALL! Mordecai with his own version of Fira right into Balls' face! He then hoists the big man up and hits the Crucifix for the 3 count. Kurt runs in just as Mordecai slides out and helps his God to the back. Masteroth promises him hookers. Lots and lots of Midgar hookers from that bumblebee place he heard about.

6. Muhammad Hassan walks out with a replica ECW title over his shoulder in a very nice suit might I add. He rocks a suit, no doubt about it. Muhammad comes and declares himself to be the TRUE ECW champion. You see, "Hardcore" Hulk Hogan is a fraud as a champ, and the tape proves it! ROLL THE TAPE!

The tape shows at Summerslam, Muhammad pinning Hogan, but Hogan's foot was in the ropes, and the title switch was voided. Hogan ended up Hulking up and pinning Muhammad, but Muhammad's foot was under the rope and never noticed!

Muhammad says that was a true injustice for him. Prejudice people trying to hold down his title reign and presidential campaign! So Muhammad has no choice. He has talked to the Florida Wrestling Board where Summerslam was held, and they've come to an agreement with the WWE. Next week, it starts. Next week, we will go through all the footage, all the notes, and all the votes. Next week, we will have a RECOUNT!

And we will find out who the TRUE ECW Champion is! Until then... VOTE FOR ME MUHAMMAD HASSAN PRESIDENT IN 2008! And on cue, pyro shoots out, confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling, and we go off the air....

Al Gore does not endorse this storyline.

---------------------------

And I end this posting session on a political note. Yay?

[Mr Muggy]

Time to Catch em' all?

September 8, 2006

by A. Mark.

Tonight, we will witness a video featuring former WWE Tag Team Champion Brian Kendrick. Kendrick has asked to be called Brian Ketchum and has told WWE.com this video will document his adventure into the wilderness of America to capture an elusive set of creatures called "Pokemon".

Tune in tonight to witness the beginning of Brian Ketchum's quest for the "Pokemon" that he claims are out there on whatever channel they are playing it on these days. Hell, we don't even know. Ask someone you know.

Source: WWE.com

[tsydrown]

Smackdown was once again truely hilarious. I decided to read whilst not under the influence, thus meaning I don't laugh for too long. Paultimate Warrior gets my mark! Maybe a few more crotch chops from Joe on the next show, ya know, just to show he's really in D-X!

Keep up the great work Mr. M.....

[Mr Muggy]

Life getsin the way of doing everything ya want... but I've got time now. So three cheers and a shot of vodka! Back to the reposts!

King Kong Trouble?

September 10, 2006

By: Fergie Ferguson

WWE.com has learned that yesterday, King Kong Bundy was supposed to appear at the Jackson Fairgrounds in Jackson, TN for an autograph session for the fans. He never appeared for the session.

Bundy has sent a statement to the WWE via telegram stating that he was not told about the appearance and had plans to go to church and teach Sunday school like he has been doing for the past 5 years.

We here at the WWE apologize to the city of Jackson for the non-appearance and to King Kong Bundy for the lack of communication. Usually, policy requires us to suspend an individual for not appearing at public appearances...

But this is King Kong Fucking Bundy people. HOW CAN WE SUSPEND THIS MAN?!

We support King Kong Bundy in everything he does. If he wants to splash Canada and declare it King Kongida, we are all for it. Hail Bundy and his glorious regime!

The writer of this article was given a raise after this story was posted.

[Mr Muggy]

It's that time again you know... when business comes before the matches and the politics of Hogan jobbing people out. I head to Sci-Fi Headquarters somewhere in Parts Unknown. So it's 3 and a half miles into South Dakota. And after a quick game of backgammon and some tea and crumpets, I get right down to business with the president of Sci-Fi Headquarters, Doc Beejus. That last name is REALLY bizarre...

So what we are discussion is a 9 month extentsion to the ECW on Sci-Fi contract. Ratings are awesome, shows are great, Masteroth was recently named "favorite character" in the entire Sci-Fi network according to the staff. So it's going great. So they've agreed to extend and put us on prime time!

With one condition.

Beejus: "Over the next few weeks, we will be promoting Star Wars Month which will be in November right here on Sci-Fi. And in order to prepare for it, we would like to do some... shall we say... creative advertising."

I told him I'd have no problem promoting banners and stuff all over the arenas. But he wanted something MUCH different.

Beejus: "I want to see if you create Star Wars style characters in your federation. Now I noticed you haven't had the Full Blooded Italians doing much on your television shows lately. Maybe you could use them! And hire Sal E. Graziano with them too! I have a great plan for him!"

Star Wars characters in ECW?

WHY NOT?! I made the deal with Doc Beejus and it was set! At the start of next month, ECW on Sci-Fi goes primetime, we get a 9 month extension on our deal... and Little Guido and company are about to get a monster makeover.

Me: "Thank you very much Mr. Beejus. I hope you have a nice day."

Beejus: "I'm your huckleberry."

Riiiightttt.... ok, I slowly backed out of there and left contemplating how the hell I'm gonna pull these ideas off...

[Steve Corino]

I like this Doc Beejus guy. You need more of him influencing decisions around here

[tsydrown]

Awesome as always! Keep it up! (Better no say that to Edge after the past episode of Raw!)

[Mr Muggy]

Fuck A Snowstorm

September 13, 2006

by Kanye East

Al Snow has decided to not be a pure professional about his job and has left ECW after being asked to lose to Kelly Kelly. Now we here at WWE.com usually wish a competitor the best of luck in his future endeavors... but that's not how we roll around here anymore. These are the following things Al Snow did here in the WWE...

1. Nothing

2. Nada

3. Nil

4. Gave Pat Patterson head.... notice I didn't capitalize the h there.

Bye Leif Cassidy.

[Mr Muggy]

WWE RAW

September 18, 2006

Lisa needs braces.

1. John Cena vs. Rob "Fucking" Conway

Conway is angry at Cena for giving him advice last week to attack him. So this is his quote "MOTHER FUCKING REVENGE TO KILL THIS FUCKFACE." Rob Conway hits brutal stiff shots, but Cena comes back with his five moves of doom! Clotheslines, Killswitch, Five Knuckle Shuffle, FU, and STF OF FREAKING DEATH are locked in. Conway reaches for the ropes, but Ric Flair comes out and pulls the ropes away just enough to where Conway can't reach them! Conway taps out to the STFU! Flair has now gotten the advantage over Conway two weeks in a row! That'll show him to attack him for not using Auron instead of Tidus! Flair vs. Conway at Unforgiven in 6 days! Yeah, that PPV snuck up on you too, didn't it?

2. Carlito is out in the parking lot talking to Vince. He wonders what the hell is he thinking? How did he let it be to where Orton is in his corner this Sunday? TAKE IT BACK! Vince says he's sorry. He does a little drinking during the show celebrating nearly crushing DX, and well.... shit happens! Orton approached him with the papers and he signed them while sipping down his gin and tonic! Carlito wants changes! Vince can't do it! Carlito gets frustrated and touches Vince's shirt... uh oh... Vince: "LIFT THE FOOT!" And all of a sudden, we see a BIG shadow come over Vince and Carlito as Vince runs... and Carlito RUNS AWAY FAST! He leaps on top of a car and leaps just in time to get away just as the Megazord CRUSHES the car. Remember... this is what that Kid from Shadows of the Colossus has to face at Unforgiven.

3. Speaking of that kid... we go to the DX locker room where Umaga and Jimmy Snuka are going through warm-ups. Shawn and HHH are wearing their belts and watching on... and Samoa Joe approaches them with that Kid from Shadows of the Colossus! They've lined up a nice opponent tonight! The 500 pound Viscera Ross! Joe declares Ross to be the first of many giants Shadows of the Colossus Kid will slay! Shawn Michaels stands up finally and looks at Joe and says "You've been drinking spiked coconut milk haven't you..." Joe says watch the Kid tonight! He'll show the world what he's made of! He may only be about 5'8" and weigh 170 pounds, but he guarantees victory for him tonight! And for further proof of that, he's made the match a no-holds barred match! DX will watch on and see their great hope slay one giant, and then the big one at the very end of the level!

Jimmy Snuka chimes in with a "You're a fucking idiot. You know that?" and then leaves with Umaga for their match next!

4. Kenny the Red Ranger & Mitch the Blue Ranger vs. Jimmy Snuka & Umaga

At Unforgiven, the Power Squad are getting a tag title shot against HBK & HHH of DeGeneration X. This is a preview of sorts... it is DX vs. Power Squad after all... hey, that's how they would say it in real life! Admit it!

Umaga is all WAAHHH SAMOAAA and he squashes Mitch so many bugs. Kenny gets the upper hand when he draws Snuka in and then hits a high dropkick on him. Him and Mitch beat on Snuka for a while until Mitch goes for a powerslam, but Snuka floats over and hits a back suplex. He tags Umaga, and it's SQUASH MODE. Umaga hits the running butt splashes on both men, and since they want to save their men for the show... IT'S A MASS POWER SQUAD RUN IN! Johnny, Nicky, and Mikey (I HAVE A BOW AND ARROW BITCHES!) along with Shane-O-5! The rest of DX runs in for the save, as the Squad retreats. They need all the strength they can get for the PPV. They are facing HHH and HBK after all...

5. Candice Michelle is backstage in the shower, and we can hear moans coming from there. That can only mean one thing.... the Herbal Essences is as good as advertised. As she gets out, she puts a towel on... Mickie attacks! Mickie beats the crap out of her, but somehow the towel stays on just to piss everyone off. Mickie finishes it off by slamming her face first into the shower wall and leaves her mark with a patented MICKIE HICKEY~! She walks away from the scene of the crime as Candice Michelle is left sprawled on the floor in only her towel. Armando Alejandro Estrada walks into the shower randomly, looks down and says "JACKPOT!"

6. The I Hate Rene Dupree Series

Match 3: Rene Dupree vs. Doug Basham

Doug Basham shakes Rene's hand and proceeds to dominate him on the mat. Doug proves he's a great technician when need be, and he finishes off Rene Dupree with a Sky High. He goes to shake Rene's hand... but Danny Basham escaped form his cage in the back and has run out and speared Rene Dupree off of his feet! He grabs his boner and tries to rip it right out! GOOD LORD! Doug has to pull him off and get the people in the white coats to straight jacket him and send him to the back! Doug goes back to Rene and apologizes for Danny attempting to "Bobbitt" him. Doug: "I gotta stop leaving the TV on HBO late at night."

7. Charlie Haas is backstage. He tried to get someone to interview him, but they didn't know who he was. He's the Intercontinental champion dammit! Somebody talk to him! it's so alone in this room... just me and Mr. Billy Goldman. Charlie then pulls out a ventriloquist dummy and starts talking to it and starts up a conversation about global warming and it's effects. He then declares Billy to be his only friend and hugs the dummy.

You know what, I don't know why, but I really felt sad for Charlie Haas there when I typed that promo.

8. No Holds Barred

Shadows of the Colossus Kid vs. Viscera Ross

Shadows enters as Viscera is creating a clay sculpture called "The Demise of Sony". Shadows takes offense to this, grabs the clay and throws it in his face! Viscera swings for him, but Shadows climbs up on top of his shoulders and pulls out a huge rock out of his vest! He proceeds to bash Viscera in the back of the head with it over and over and over and over and over and over and over till Viscera is down to one knee... and then finally unconscious on the ground! The Kid finally stops hitting him with the rock as Vis is bleeding out the back of the head, and covers him for a 3 count! The Kid from Shadows of the Colossus wins in his first match!

9. And we go backstage as Samoa Joe is jumping up and down like a school boy screaming "YES!" like he just got laid for the first time. He told them that Kid from Shadows of the Colossus is the man! Shawn and HHH do say... he does know how to fuck someone up! He hopes he can be the one to slay the mighty Megazord at Unforgiven. What do you say Snuka....

"You're still a fucking idiot. You know that?"

Joe tells him after Unforgiven, he'll be eating his own words! Umaga stands in the background crotch chopping the whole time to remind you this is the DX locker room.

10. Johnny Nitro and Melina are backstage chating it up when Todd Grisham comes up for questions. Nitro and Melina declare they have a new sex position.... the Washington Steamer! It's like a Cleveland Steamer, only Melina dresses up like Betsy Ross, and Nitro then jams his Washington Monument up-

And of course Grisha, interrupts that to get his question out. He basically asks if he'll be able to handle CM Punk tonight and at Unforgiven. That was it? He interrupted good sex talk for that? Well Johnny Nitro goes through the motions and says he'll beat Punk tonight and he'll beat him again at Unforgiven for interrupting his chance to score with Maria! Melina: "Now that's a fine piece of ass!" Grisham faints from the thoughts of that as Melina declares they also have a present for Maria. Melina reaches down into Nitro's coat... and pulls out a bottle of Jose Cuervo. Oh Snap...

11. Charlie Haas, Carlito, and CM Punk vs. Kane, Edge, Johnny Nitro

CM Punk has no clue what to make of what was just said in that last promo. Maria comes out telling CM Punk he has no clue what that was about.

A very nice 6 man tag to set up three seperate matches at Unforgiven. CM Punk plays face in peril for a while until he dodges a Nitro spear and reaches for the tag. Haas goes for it, but Carlito realizes no one will respond to it and people will change channels and babies will be unborn, so he reaches his hand out a bit more, makes the tag, and springboard clotheslines Nitro coming in! He dropkicks Kane out, and he chases after Edge as "Randy" Randy Orton comes out! The ref isn't looking as Orton grabs Edge on the chase... "R"RKO to Edge on the floor! He smirks at Carlito and walks away leaving Carlito in a state of "WTF". Meanwhile, Haas attempts to clean house in the ring as everyone stares at Carlito. What they don't see is Kane coming in from behind and chokeslamming Haas for the 3 count giving his team the win. Kane shoots off his pyro, but the camera stays on Carlito's stunned face and Edge holding his title like it was the last boob he could ever have as we go off the air...

DENTAL PLAN!

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And there's your two shows for the day. Want to thank you guys for getting this over a 1,000 views. Here's to many more views and many more shows to come!

[Mr Muggy]

Armando Alejandro.... McMahon?

September 19, 2006

by Bret Fart

WWE.com just learned yesterday that Armando Alejandro Estrada has just recently married a daughter of Vince McMahon that was unknown about for a long period of time.

Vince had been leaving "business cards" in several towns during a rocky period between him and his devoted wife Linda. And one of them was left to a Mrs. Rita Gonzalez. 23 years later, a daughter was born named Maria. So how do you solve a problem with Maria? Well, Rita never did tell her she was ever a McMahon despite the grovely voice and the sudden urge to say YOU'RE FIRED like she had turrets. But after Armando and Maria had a relationship, Vince broke the word to Mr. Estrada that was his daughter. Armando then wanted to marry her right away. What a good man he is.

We wish to welcome to the McMahon family, Mr. Armando Alejandro Estrada.