Berner Street Wrestling Rebooted

[Reflecto Is My Favorite Poster]

1- Wrestler of the Year: Bee Man. I wanted to see what you'd do full-time with him since you debuted him, and you succeeded. We'll forgive him for the royal jelly...

2- Match of the year- I abstain from this award due to religious principles.

3-Promo of the year: Anything by Hard Gay (and may I just say: Every other person badmouthing him is a Philistine, HOO!)

4-Worst Wrestler of the year: Fred La Merveille, once again. Perhaps he should've been Wonder Fred?

5-Worst Match of the year- same religious principles.

6-Worst promo of the year- Anything by Sir Quincy Penfold. As the chicken crows and the rooster clucks, one thing my readers could have told you is that "QUINCY SUCKS!"

[Chris the Human]

BSW End of Year Awards - 2007

In the wake of Skid Row's epic win at 100% Real Beef, Magro fires up the BBQ and the crowd sticks around for a New Year's bash in my backyard. When BSW existed in Newcastle it had been difficult to compete with beach parties, night clubs, and wild teenage house parties - in Glen Innes our only competition was a mediocre fireworks display at the showground and a handful of drunks flashing their genitals at traffic on the highway outside.

The crowd are seated and indulging in a few sangers and beers when Kenny Bruce ascends to the podium with a Fosters in one hand and a kebab in the other.

Kenny: Bugger me with a black man's dick, where t' fuck did you pull this crowd from?

This is directed at me. I decline the opportunity to answer and gesture for him to continue.

Kenny: What? Oh, yeah. I'm out here to award the...uh... award for Berner Street Wrestling's worst wrestler. So, uh, the nominees are:

1). Fred La Merveille: Giving a new definition to immensely bland

2). Disco Jesus: The one trick pony

3). Kenny Bruce: What the fuck is this?

Kenny: Kenny Bruce is an Australian icon you ungrateful knob-gobblers! I drink beer and piss Bundaberg rum you ingrates! I come out here and I bust my ass for you week in and week out and this is the thanks I get? (Emotional) Well, forget you, pal! Forget you!

Without presenting the award, a clearly distraught Kenny Bruce flees the podium and makes a dash for the front yard. Perhaps I should have told him he was a nominee before asking him to present the award? Regardless, it's Hard Gay who makes the save by stepping forward to finish the presentation.

HG: Hello! This is Hard Gay!

Silence.

HG: Three men and none of them half the man that Shane Madison is! Skittles?

He doesn't wait for an answer, and tosses a handful into the crowd.

HG: Since you're all being such prudes. The award for Worst Wrestler of the Year goes to.... FRED LA MERVEILLE!

Unsurprisingly, he's not here to accept this 'honour'. I've already fired him and sent his sorry ass back to Canada.

-----------------------

Next up will be the award for Worst Promo of the Year, and I think I'll just hand this one out myself so we can get onto a decent one. The nominees are:

HG: Hello! This is Hard Gay!

The fans don't quite know what to make of this.

HG: Allow me to introduce... SHANE MADISON!

The music hits again and this time it's the chiseled good looks of Shane Madison on his way out to the ring, the BSW original looking borderline intimidating in his chaps and wearing his leather cap. In effect, he's wearing the same outfit as Hard Gay, albeit in a larger size. He walks meekly to Hard Gay's side and allows the Japanese man to pet him like an animal.

HG: So pretty. So silky. Who wants to touch?

He asks the crowd. One of the emo kids who came with fat wrestling guy raises a hand, then quickly takes it back down. It's too late, though. Hard Gay has spotted her.

HG: You! You, miss? (To Shane) You. Go to her. Let her fondle your greatness.

Shane Madison nods and goes to the girl, prompting her to touch one of his pecs. Shane seems to like this, and begins to nuzzle against the woman and purr loudly like a kitten when it is petted.

HG: No! Bad Shane! Stop that! No!

Shane leaps like a startled animal and returns quickly to Hard Gay's side.

HG: Bad Shane!

He hits Shane with a rolled up newspaper, causing the much larger man to cower at his side. Hard Gay's face softens and he produces a handful of Skittles from his pocket. He puts the handful underneath Shane's nose and Madison eats them like a horse eats sugar cubes.

HG: Good boy. Tonight you hurt man, ok? You hurt man and I give you whole bag.

He emphasizes the word 'bag' by thrusting forward, causing his crotch to slap against Madison's forehead. This doesn't seem to phase Shane at all. It does, however, cause a few of the male crowd members to feel a little ill.

His point made, Hard Gay drops another handful of Skittles on the ground and leaves the ring. The 53% rated segment ends with Shane Madison crawling around on his hands and knees fetching the scattered candy.

[Chris the Human]

There's an impressive crowd of 29 on hand to see the first event of 2008! In the aftermath of Skid Row's shock championship win last month and the End of Year awards - what madness will occur?

We don't have to wait long for our first piece of action for the night, and it's Mr. Charisma making his way down to the ring for a chance to get some face back after his shock loss to Fred la Merveille last month. He does not look happy as he steps into the ring and waits for the world's most generic (in a way that is nowhere near as cool as El Generico was) star.

-- Mr. Charisma vs. Fred la Merveille --

After Fred's stepped into the ring, I make the announcement that this clash will be a Loser Leaves Town match. This seems to lift the crowd's interest levels a little, and they begin to show their support/hatred with a 35% crowd reaction to start the night off. Charisma explodes out of the blocks and pretty much dominates Fred for the entirety of this 64% rated clash. Really, the less said about it the better. Suffice it to say, when this 49% rated segment ends - I'll never have to worry about trying in vain to make Fred la Merveille interesting again. Good riddance.

After the bell rings, la Merveille seems to realise the gravity of his loss. I lead the 'Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye' chants myself.

-- Tell's Diatribe --

In the aftermath of Fred la Merveille's unceremonious firing, Jimmy Tell stalks out to the ring and regards the crowd with a sardonic grin.

Tell: Just when I think the world is full of idiots and vacuous sychophants, you people go and surprise me. You see a man lose his career and what do you do? Offer your support? Applaud his valiant effort? No - you boo him! You cheer his failings! That's tremendous! Maybe there's hope for you people yet. But do you know why you do it? Do you know what it is that drives you to celebrate another's failings? It's envy. You look at Fred la Merveille, failure though he may be, and you see all of the things that he has that you don't. You see him in the ring working with superstars. You see him collecting his pay check and going home to his undoubtedly cute girlfriend. His friends are cooler than yours. The clubs he gets into are just a little more exclusive, and the people on his MySpace friends list are just a little less lame.

The crowd begin to boo at this point.

Tell: And now you boo me. Not out of genuine hatred - but because you're beginning to see those things in me. You see that I have the courage to speak my mind where you'd stutter and stammer and eventually produce a Hugh Grant like bumbling apology. Me? I speak my mind because it's my right as your superior. You can dislike what I have to say or even disagree with it - but in the end it won't mean jack to me. Why? Because I am above you. Do you care if your dog doesn't agree with your theory on politics? Or if a pot plant doesn't like the shirt you're wearing? Of course not! And do I care if fat wrestling fan doesn't like me? If Hairy McVirgin in the third row thinks I've got an ego? Fuck no. You can hate me all you like. I don't care about that any more that I care if a ladybug is angry because I trod on her third cousin.

He pauses to let the crowd express their distaste for him.

Tell: Speaking of insects, can somebody send out that walking, talking cliche I'm facing tonight? You know - the 'good guy with a bad attitude' that has been making life hell for the 'narcicist who can't catch a break'? What was his name again? Oh, yeah - The Ice. Yeah, bring that shit out. I'm bored.

A solid 58% rated promo.

-- The Ice vs. Jimmy Tell --

The Ice's arrival is greeted with a decent pop, due largely to the fact that his arrival means the fans won't be 'treated' to any more of Jimmy Tell's theories. He takes his time to get in the ring and, when he does, gets things started by spraying the water from his drink bottle in Tell's face before knocking him down with a hard clothesline. The fans are pumped to see somebody put Tell in his place, and the 46% reaction dwarfs that of the opener. Ice doesn't give Tell any time to recover - and for a good period of this 78% rated clash he's firmly in control of the affair.

He's looking the goods for a win when he hits On Ice and puts Tell down to the mat, but Mr. Charisma slides into the ring and tosses a towel to the referee. The bemused official makes an ass of himself when he fails to catch it and instead has his head shrouded - giving Charisma plenty of time to hit his Charisma Cutter. Tell's to his feet in time to make the cover, and the referee recovers from his own mishap to cover for the 1-2-3. A 62% rated segment ends with Charisma having gifted Jimmy Tell with a win. This feud between the two biggest egos in Berner Street Wrestling continues to bubble towards boiling point! When will they get some closure! Not tonight!

-- Don't You Want Somebody to Love? --

The fans cheer as The Dungeon Master, everyone's favourite heel, struggles out to the ring with a hefty sack over his shoulder. He pauses midway down the ramp, takes a 'potion' from his belt, drinks it, and seems to gain strength and vitality from the orange broth inside (cordial, in truth). He reaches the ring with apparent ease, as a result.

DM: Last month I made a tremendous, one time offer to one lucky lady out there. At first my quest was met with mockery by my peers - but I will not be deterred by their feeble attempts at humour. My heart was made to love a voluptuous maiden with good taste in fantasy authors and music - and it will not be swayed from its course by meer mockery. So, without further ado, I will treat you to a selection of the applications from this month.

He fumbles around in the sack for a moment before producing a letter.

DM: Dear Dungeon Master. I find your chivalrous attitude towards romance most refreshing. If it pleases, I'd like for you to come to my country estate and give me a jolly good rogering. Yours, Lady Quincy Penfold.

His wide eyed shock needs to be seen to be believed. He quickly pockets the letter, blushes, and finds another.

DM: Are you lonely? Do you want somebody to love? Call 555-212-SLUT and talk to hot, horny ladies who want to meet you.

He pauses.

DM: Intriguing.

He fishes a mobile phone out of his pocket, dials in the number, and lifts it to his ear. Seconds later, we hear a phone ringing somewhere in the crowd. After a few moments of frantic looking - it appears to be coming from underneath the seat of Fat Wrestling Fan's girlfriend. Surely not! No! Whore rushes down to the seats and fumbles for the sequined purse that was conveniently underneath Fat Wrestling Fan's girlfriend's seat. Not noticing DM in the ring, she picks it up.

Whore: I'm naked and wet, just for you. What's your name, sport?

DM: Whore?

Whore: DM?

DM: Uh... what are you wearing?

Whore doesn't seem in the mood for love, as she quickly turns off her phone and stuffs it back into her purse. Too late, though. Seth Knight's on his way out and he doesn't look impressed.

Knight: What the hell are you doing out here, bitch? It's 8pm and you should be down on the corner of Herron and Lawrence.

Whore: I...

Knight: I don't pay you to talk, girl. Your mouth is good for one thing - and since you're not on your knees, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're not doing that. Now...

DM: How dare you speak to her like that!

Knight: This doesn't concern you, hombre (to Whore) Now, tell me why I shouldn't slap your pretty little face.

DM: Unhand her, knave! Unhand her or feel the sting of my boot upon your ass!

Knight: I'm warning you one last time, nerd. Shut your mouth before I put it to good use.

DM: And I am warning you one last time, purveyor of filth. Unhand that lady fair or I shall be forced to take drastic action.

Knight: You know what? I might just take you up on that.

He roughly shoves Whore into a seat before heading towards the ring. It looks as if we have a match! This 61% segment further proves that the DM is thirteen flavours of awesome.

-- The Dungeon Master vs. Seth Knight --

Knight and Dungeon Master stare one another down upon entering the ring before the DM makes the first move by producing a glove and slapping Knight across the face with it. Knight discovers that this tactic is far more efficient if there is a fist in the glove - and he demonstrates the discovery by knocking the Dungeon Master onto his ass. The fans are remarkably quiet for this one (19%), but this doesn't seem to put off either competitor as they produce the match of the night thus far. Knight is in control for most of the clash with his various heelish antics - but the DM continually frustrates his opponent with last second kick outs and plucky underdog resistance. Knight looks on track for a win in this 79% rated clash with an overall rating of 49% when he's laid the DM out with a superkick and has gone to the top rope for what looks like it'll be a flying elbow drop. While he's up there, though, the sequined purse strikes him in the head and he tumbles forward. When he staggers to his feet, the DM near decapitates him with the Critical Hit! Cover! 1-2-3! The DM gets the win thanks to what could only have been an assist from The Whore! The DM quickly tosses the purse back to her, and Knight is none the wiser! Has the DM discovered his lady... fair?

-- An 'Alternate' Solution --

The DM may have struck something up with The Whore by defending her honour, but out next are Hard Gay and 'Stunning' Shane Madison to offer their own solution to The Dungeon Master's dilemma.

HG: Hello! This is Hard Gay!

Pause

Shane: Oh...uh...and this is...uh...Shane

HG: We feel your pain, Dungeon Master! We do! We came to this dinky little town expecting to find strapping cowboys and rough and tumble outback thugs but what have we found? Intolerance! What kind of town is it where a man cannot wear his favourite assless chaps and walk his sex slave down the street without being ridiculed? What kind of town, I ask you!? But I'm straying off topic. DM, I have a solution to your search for love. Have you considered that you haven't been looking in the right places for love? Maybe what you need isn't a buxom wench but a strapping knight in shining armour. A knight with a sizeable lance.

He giggles and slaps Shane on the ass. Shane, for his part, seems fascinated with the sequin purse that Whore is still clutching.

HG: Shane?

Shane: Huh?

HG: I said something funny.

Shane: (Forced) Hahahahaha

HG: Shutup

That seems to be the end. Will DM be swayed? We'll find out later, because this 60% rated promo leads us to our next match!

-- 'Stunning' Shane Madison vs. Kid Rageous --

The kid may have been a BSW champion in his last run, but times haven't gotten quite so desperate for us yet, and so Rageous doesn't reach any dizzying heights in this one. Except when he misses a 450 Splash, of course. A 39% crowd reaction is slightly more impressive than that which greeted the last encounter, and it's also a decent 76% rated match to keep up a decent night of in ring action. Madison may be slow out of the ring, but he's fast enough in the ring to know that Rageous' speed will be his advantage. His solution? Kick the ever-loving shit out of our African American high flyer before knocking him out with an abdominal stretch. To add insult to injury, Hard Gay's on hand to girate in Rageous' general direction just in case the DM didn't know what he had been getting at. A 57% rated segment overall.

-- A Promise from your Champion to Be --

The fans booing reaches a night high as Sir Quincy Penfold makes his way out to the ring. Without his former manservant, Skid Row at his side and his gold over his shoulder, he looks a far less regal figure. Indeed, his sad face is almost enough to make you feel sorry for him. That is, until he speaks.

SQP: I...am...truly...sorry.

He lets the audience contemplate that.

SQP: I have let you poor, simple colonials down. I had promised to be an inspiration to you and I have let you down. I understand that you are a nation without people to respect and admire. I know that it must be so difficult to look up to ruffians like Andrew Johns and Ricky Ponting. I cannot even begin to imagine how DREAD-ful it must be to have to pretend to be interested in 'sports' like AFL and rugby because you're no good at the real sports. The manly sports. Sports like football and darts and bowls. Sports of such sophistication that your simple, earthy minds cannot even begin to comprehend their intricacies. But I'm getting off point. I have let you down and I feel that I must atone for that. Though I know longer desire to wear the gawdy belt that Skid Row now has - I will grudgingly use my rematch clause so I may restore some sanity to the world and prevent your sad, little minds from melting at the prospect of a hobo as your champion.

The fans cheer at the mention of Skid Row.

SQP: I make this solemn guarantee to you, my peasant followers. I guarantee that tonight I will enter this distasteful 'Hobo Street Fight' and I will fight like a true blue-blooded Englishman to restore the entirely meaningless championship to my person so that you may all rest easy tonight. And I am so confident that I will achieve this victory - that I will leave these Australian shores in shame if I cannot make good on my promise. On this, you have my word as an English gentleman.

A 63% rated promo.

-- Skid Row © vs. Sir Quincy Penfold in a Hobo Street Fight for the BSW World Title --

Skid Row's arrival gets the crowd well and truly cheering, and this lifts the final match of the evening to a very commendable 50% crowd reaction. The rules of a Hobo Street Fight are simple - there are no rules. The winner is the one to get the 1-2-3, and they can use anything to get their opponent down long enough to count the fall.

Penfold shows true English courage when he pounces on the champion before he's even able to get into ring - laying boots into him before taking the Union Jack he carried to the ring and using it to choke our hobo hero. Skid Row's eyes are bugging out of his head and his face is going red and we've barely had time to get into the match! There are no rope breaks here, so Skid Row has to take more drastic measures. Staggering to his feet, he rushes at the ropes and both men go crashing to the outside! The impact forces Penfold to release his hold on the flag, and both men lay still for a moment - one gasping for air and another gasping at the fact his beloved Union Jack has been besmirched. Amazingly, Skid Row is the one to recover first, and he gets a measure of revenge by whipping Penfold into the stairs. He then takes a sock full of spare change from his jeans pocket and uses it to beat some sense into Penfold. Unfortunately for Skid Row, the sock bursts and the change spills everywhere. Forgetting that his gold is on the line, Skid Row wastes valuable time crawling around and picking up the coins - and this gives Penfold ample time to fetch a chair and bring it down repeatedly on the champion's back. The fans boo this roundly, but it's all legal in a Hobo Street Fight. After bending the chair out of shape, Penfold rolls Skid Row over and covers - but somehow the champion finds the strength to kick out.

Penfold's disgust at Skid Row's resilience is obvious, but the champion isn't out of the woods yet. Penfold reaches underneath the ring and drags out a table - setting it up and laying Skid Row out across it. Surely the Englishman can't fly? HE CAN! Penfold comes off the top turnbuckle to attempt a flying elbow drop, but Skid Row moves! Penfold crashes and burns! The fans chant Skid Row's name as he stumbles to his feet and rather than making the cover, goes to the turnbuckle and goes for it... SPARE CHANGE! This one connects! Skid Row just hit Spare Change from the top turnbuckle to the floor below. He rolls around in agony but manages to hook a leg.

1

2

KICKOUT!

Penfold finds a well of resolve somewhere and he manages to kick out! His championship dream lives and he won't be leaving us just yet! Skid Row can't believe it himself, and while he questions the referee's decision, Penfold fumbles around inside his tights. No, dear readers, he's not pleasuring himself - he's got some brass knuckles there! When Skid Row bends down to drag Penfold to his feet, he's treated to a mouthful of steel! He goes down and it looks as if he's bleeding! Now Penfold's on his feet and he tosses those brass knuckles into the crowd. He thinks he's got this one and he covers Skid Row.

1

2

NO!

Skid Row kicks out! Penfold is dumbstruck. He covers again, but Skid Row's out again. The match has happened almost entirely outside the ring - and Penfold decides on a change of scene, rolling back into the ring and waiting for Skid Row to join him. When Skid Row hits the ring he's bleeding from the mouth and from a gash on his brow - he looks like he could be drunk. Maybe he is. He's punch drunk and swinging wildly and he walks right into a brutal lariat from the challenger. He considers making the cover, but strikes upon a better idea. He goes to the outside and returns with a garbage can. Skid Row stumbles to his feet and Penfold shoves it into his head! Skid Row can't see, and that's just what Penfold wants. A dropkick puts the champion down before Penfold bends the trash can out of shape by beating it with a chair. Skid Row is trapped inside that trash can. Penfold whips him to the ropes and takes him down with a drop toe hold! He goes to the top and flies... ELBOW DROP! That trash can is wrapped around Skid Row good and tight. Now Penfold feels satisfied, and he covers.

1

2

NO!

Skid Row draws on some inner resevoir of strength to kick out, but rolls to the outside in the process! Penfold is furious with the referee, and he shoves him in anger. The referee threatens to disqualify Penfold (which would go against the whole no DQ thing) and Penfold decides not to push his luck. He goes to the apron and is about to fetch Skid Row when the champion leaps to his feet and breaks a bottle of whiskey over the head! Penfold falls back into the ring and a bloody, beaten Skid Row crawls across for the cover.

1

2

3

Skid Row retains! Skid Row remains champion and Sir Quincy Penfold is out of the company! A 81% rated clash and a 65% overall rating.

OVERALL: 60%

BEST SEGMENT: Sir Quincy Penfold vs. Skid Row

WORST SEGMENT: Mr. Charisma vs. Fred La Merveille

MOTN: Skid Row vs. Sir Quincy Penfold

MVP: Sir Quincy Penfold

ATTENDANCE: 29

[Chris the Human]

First of all, no, I've not gone crazy. I didn't just sack Sir Quincy Penfold.

No.

The bastard signed a written deal with Wrestling Society X where he'll reprise his role as the English representative to said wrestling company as a lower midcarder. I hope you enjoy your mediocrity, Penfold! On the upside, we're currently sitting pretty on 50% public image! I'm silently stewing when Sophie enters my room.

Sophie: Chris, we need to talk.

Me: Yeah?

Sophie: We have a problem.

Me: We do?

Magro: Is it that Chris is a giant homo?

There's a few moments of awkward silence. Without getting too far into things, Sophie and I have both discussed Magro's sexual persuasion of late. He's spending entirely too much time with Razor Ramon HG and Shane Madison.

Sophie: Yes, that's what it is.

Magro: Excellent... I mean... ew!

He pads off at this point, leaving Sophie and I to discuss more mature things. Well, she's mature - I'm just here.

Sophie: With Penfold and la Merveille leaving, we need...

Me: I fired Kid Rageous and Hi69 too

Sophie: What? Why!?

Me: They were messing with my aura

Sophie: Huh? Whatever. With those guys gone and having Bee Man in rehab - we need to do some hiring.

Me: I'm on it!

And I was. After having a Subway lunch and rubbing one out, I was ready to open Murray's cheque book and do some hiring. Here's what I came up with:

Feltcher: I'm not entirely sure what to make of this scrawny guy in a skull mask. He's charismatic as all hell but not much of a wrestler. Still, he's informed me that he will be the single most evil, anarchy inspiring bad guy in BSW history. I guess we'll see. And don't worry, I don't think I'll call him Feltcher. That's just... ew...

Franky the Mobster: Another BSW original is re-hired, and since I was always disappointed with his wasted potential last time around, expect to see him producing something a little more substantial this time around. The Mafia has taken an interest in BSW. Whatever can this mean?

Keven Martel: An impressive young Canadian all rounder, he's going to be the man who brings about the second coming of the ever popular Beach Party. A laid back surfer dude who can get it done in the ring, he'll be managed by...

Lacey: The object of Jimmy Jacobs' unrequieted love in Ring of Honour, Lacey takes the place of Alicia Webb (who informs me that she's too good for our humble company) as the bouncy, sexy, innocent beach bunny that drove so many crazy last time around.

Lizzy Borden: What better second valet to a violent pimp than a porn star?

Milano Collection AT: 'Italian Fashion' isn't exactly something that has captured the hearts and minds from the predominantly denim and flannel wearing locals of Glen Innes. So, you can imagine how a Japanese guy who thinks he's a runway model is going to go down with a bunch of racist, aesthetically challenged rednecks.

And now...

Last month The Dungeon Master took his life into his own hands when he defended the Whore from Seth Knight. The Whore last month helped him to a victory, but will she be able to defy her pimp again this time? The DM and Seth Knight clash in a Pimp's Rules match!

The Ice and Mr. Charisma have been feuding on and off since Ice arrived in BSW, and this month we see the end of their rivalry. Somebody's going to get fired in a brutal Loser Leaves Town match!

Plus we'll see Keven Martel make his in ring debut against 'Stunning' Shane Madison, and Shemus will roll out the red carpet to welcome Milano Collection AT to our humble little company. With debuts aplenty and at least one surprise guest appearance, Super Spectacular promises to live up to its name in a way it never managed to in the original BSW!