Alternative Film Endings

[Benji]

October 17, 2005 – A change of angle

Neo and (the no longer) Agent Smith meet on the street, surrounded by the millions and millions of Smiths that now occupy the Matrix - “It ends here” says a rain-drenched Neo while Smith sneers from below his sunglasses. The run furiously towards each other and throw their first punches, colliding in a spectacular clash of equal forces which causes them both to be thrown back in an explosion of pure energy. Standing, they both realize that their actions are futile and that perhaps there is a civilized and non-violent manner to resolve the whole situation. Smith learns to enjoy his newfound power but without the need to copy himself unto others, while Neo negotiates a treaty with the Source that allows them to continue the use of the Matrix while both Machines and Humans work together in search of an alternate form of energy. Trinity stays dead, anyhow.

Seeing himself as nothing more than a burning eye atop a crummy tower, Sauron becomes severely depressed and no longer sees the point in the conquest of Middle Earth. Finally reaching Mount Doom , Frodo has a meeting with Sauron and they decide that perhaps the Ring should be destroyed since the Dark Lord doesn't have any fingers to wear it anyway. Gollum starts seeing a very competent therapist and Gandalf and Saruman join forces to open a beauty parlor so the other denizens of Middle Earth can enjoy long, smooth silky hair and beards as they do. After his musical performance, Aragorn renounces to his position as King and begins his career and the scruffiest popstar in Gondor; Arwen becomes one of his lead dancers. Gimli finally overcomes his fear of trees and eventually becomes an ecologist hippie – he is eventually eaten by an Ent, slowly. Frodo and Sam decide to accept the truth and get married – at the wedding Merry catches the flower bouquet and looks at Pippin with dreamy eyes. The men of Gondor become mostly dentists and make a fortune with the orcs as their main source of income, while the men of Rohan become Cowboys (and so the west was won). Legolas still rocks.

Amazed at himself for never noticing it before, Harry Potter finally admits that the now-grown Hermione is absolutely hot and decides to make his move. Of course, Ron is interested too but after behaving like an idiot for nearly 6 books he finally gets what he deserves and is killed… by Neville (it was an accident, involving potions which Neville was never really good at anyway). Harry and Hermione fall in love and when Voldemort shows himself (again) his cold, cold heart is touched by the warmth of young love and he decides that perhaps there are many good things in the world to look forward to. Professor Snape buys a new brand of shampoo and after getting rid of his greasy hairdo his attitude towards his students changes completely. Dumbledore and McGonagall finally admit their true feelings towards each other and run away to get married in Vegas. Hagrid is left as the new school master and Hogwarts is closed by the Ministry of Magic two weeks later after a dragon burns half of it. Nobody cares, anyway. Draco Malfoy bursts in spontaneous combustion, and dies like the little crap that he is (was).

…

I guess that the reason we need conflict so much is because otherwise there isn't much left to make a story worth telling. Nevertheless, it still strikes me as odd that heroes and adventurers can't catch a break, ever. So I decided to give our adventurers a break – even if they didn't like it.

Good hunting;

O

It was the orc-dentist comment that made me laugh hardest.

Edited October 18, 2005 by Benjirino~!

[Summers]

The orc-dentist part was the only part that made me even smile.

[NobBe Nobbs]

I liked the men of Rohan becoming cowboys, and now I have the image of Eomer in a shoot-out with Clint Eastwood. Thanks, Benji.