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my writing/story


MalaCloudy Black
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I wanted some opinions on my writing before I continued on with this. It's just something I whipped up while listening to Metallica's cover of Mercyful Fate's "Curse of the Pharaohs" (which is what the italicized lyrics are.) I figured the lyrics fit the location and all, so I put them in as well. The story's not much right now, being only 570 words in Microsoft Word 2000 - and I've tentatively titled it "Elazul's Story".

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A blinding sandstorm rages on in what appears to be the desert.

Curse Of The Pharaohs

Away out in Egypt in the valley of kings

Where the mummified pharaohs

Pretend dead in their sleep

What’s this we see? Through the blinding sandstorm a figure can be seen. The figure slowly treads through the storm, hardly making progress; Be not mistaken though, for the figure **is** making some progress. We stand our ground, not knowing what’s making it’s way towards us yet not afraid. Ever so slowly, the figure seems to be becoming larger..

Don't touch, never ever steal

Unless you're in for the kill

Or you'll be hit by the curse of the pharaohs

Yes you'll be hit and the curse is on you

Yes..now it’s evident. The figure is becoming larger and larger. It is advancing towards us and taking shape – A human shape. Who in their right mind would be out in the desert at this time? We think to ourselves. Whoever they may be, they seem to have seen us, for they are now picking up speed as the sandstorm slows.

The curse of the pharaohs can be so deadly

Just destroying your future

Makin' it all shady

The sandstorm begins to die down some more. We can now see that this figure is definitely a human, be it male or female, boy or girl. It’s easy to rule out “boy or girl” though – This figure stands at a good 6 feet, and my, whoever has heard of a 6 foot tall boy? Such a silly notion.

Don't touch, never ever steal

Unless you're in for the kill

Or you'll be hit by the curse of the pharaohs

Yes you'll be hit and the curse is on you

The figure is now bearing down upon us. Nothing more than height can be told about this person, for they are completely wrapped in a dirty brown cloth..or some sort of sheet, at the very least. We freeze and stand our ground as the person stops in front of us. The wind whips lightly around us. A minute passes; “It seems like forever!” We think to ourselves as we attempt to stare down whatever or whoever may be wrapped in this cloth, for we cannot see its eyes. The wind picks up and the figure/person’s cloth cloak begins to whip wildly in the wind. Out of the corner of our eye, we can see a small tornado of sand rise up from the ground. The wind begins to blow harder, blowing sand all around us…another sandstorm?

No. Not another sandstorm. The wind dies down and the figure’s cloth cloak drops back from his head. Our mouths stand agape; We don’t believe what we’re seeing. It…looks like a man…but yet, it does not.

The skin of this “man” is tight on his skull; His skin is a pale white color. He has a small patch of gray hair on the center of his head, and as a result of his tightly drawn skin, his eyeballs seem like they may pop out of their sockets at any moment. He offers a toothy grin (despite his lack of teeth; He seems to only have a few on both top and bottom of his mouth.)

We stand rooted to the ground in fear. We open our mouths, yet nothing comes out; no scream, no anything.

Meet the hero of this story; Meet Elazul.

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Guest Angry Baboon

1) Try to express emotions some more. It seems a bit cold and empty, instead of just using 'fear' to express them I'd try and get inside their heads a bit more. I'm not expressing myself well (:P) but you can get a good idea of what i'm talking about but reading Anne Rice (Especially the first few chapters of the Vampire Lestat, where he kills the wolves)

2)

The skin of this spectre is tight on his skull; His skin is a pale white color

Cardinal sin. Don't repeat two nouns so close together.

I'd use something like:

The skin of this “man” is tight on his skull; A livid white in color

Also if you're going to use quotation marks, it should be 'man' instead of "man". Though I personally wouldn't at all.

3) The end of the story gives the idea that this is a prologue to a bigger story. Therefore you shouldn't be so revealing with the character, as it's completely killed the mystery in the first 50 lines of the book. Anyone can figure out it's a mummy. Try using metaphorical descriptions. Once again, I recommend reading the Vampire Lestat, and her description of the vampire that turns Lestat (The fellow in the white mask, I believe)

4) "Be not mistaken" Sounds really corny, but this is just personal opinion. It sounds like a poor attempt to write in the style of an author of the late 19th century, which you sort of trail in and out of throughout the story.

It’s easy to rule out “boy or girl” though – This figure stands at a good 6 feet, and my, whoever has heard of a 6 foot tall boy? Such a silly notion.

Unnecessary baggage. But if you are going to include this, use "the latter" instead of quoting "boy or girl". I've never seen that done in a book.

OVERALL: Nice read, I wish I'd done something like that for my English exam cause I'd probably have a higher grade than I do. Try to study a few more fictional books though, to get the idea of the do's and dont's.

Edited by Count Squancho El Knobula
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3) The end of the story gives the idea that this is a prologue to a bigger story. Therefore you shouldn't be so revealing with the character, as it's completely killed the mystery in the first 50 lines of the book. Anyone can figure out it's a mummy. Try using metaphorical descriptions. Once again, I recommend reading the Vampire Lestat, and her description of the vampire that turns Lestat (The fellow in the white mask, I believe)

It's not supposed to be a mummy :mellow: Anyways, I took your advice and have changed it around a little bit...I still haven't written any more of it though <_<

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no ninjas/10 <_<

Anyways, some grammer/punctuation errors here and there, but that's not really noticeable. Some of the sentences feel a bit jerky and akward when I read them though. You might want to smoothen out the prose a bit more, and maybe add a little more descriptive touch.

Moving along, I'm not really a big fan of the usage of 'we'. While it could work fine for a short story such as this, I strongly recommend using it for a longer story. Acknowledging the reader in such a style hardly adds anything to the content of the story, other than to make it look weird.

Well, that's just my two cents, seeing as Squancho already covered most of the other stuff.

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