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ITT, Kats ranks Eurovision winners.


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So, for some reason, this year I've got so ridiculously in to Eurovision it's untrue. I mean, I've always loved it before, but I've never purposefully watched the other countries' national finals before. But this year I'm going whole hog. Guess it says something about the state of UK television that the Albanian National Final is more entertaining than anything on over here at the same time.

Anyway, I figure why not go through all the winning songs of Eurovision and give my thoughts and do a quick ranking of them. I mean, I'm not expecting many people to care about this, but, meh, I have nothing else to do.

So, yes. 56 contests, 59 winners (LOL, 1969). Here we go.


Latvia - 2002 Eurovision Song Contest

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just, the absolute worst. I mean, let's get something clear. The early noughties were not kind to Eurovision. I mean, let's start with the fact that the stage for this year was pretty bad and nowhere near as spectacular as any of the ones that came after it, but that's more something to blame on Estonia than it is on Marie. But, oh, Marie. Presumably, the only thing that made this song win was the fact that halfway through it, she has her tuxedo ripped off her. Which, fair enough, but my lord that's something that Bucks Fizz did to win twenty or so years before her. Plus, at least their costumes made sense when they got it ripped off. She transforms from butch lesbian at a formal event to flamenco girl. Because that's a natural change, apparently.

The song is dated. It's basic. It's boring. I mean, seriously, it's terrible. I mean, the song that comes after this in the ranking is probably worse, but there's something just so annoying about this winning that I had to rank it last. To be honest though, the entire year was a bad, bad year for Eurovision. It says something about how bad I Wanna is too that it didn't even do well in the Latvian music charts. I mean, when the winning song of Eurovision can't do well in the country it came from, how the hell does it win across all of Europe!? Crazy.

Up next: Like I said, the early noughties were really, really bad for Eurovision winners.

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Estonia - 2001 Eurovision Song Contest

Words do not describe just how shit this song is. The only reason it's ranked above I Wanna is because it isn't so smug in trying to be good about itself. It's just shit and accepts how shit it is, yet somehow it inexplicably won. Admittedly, the fact that it's two guys doing some very bad dancing on a massive stage wasn't necessarily Estonia's fault: one of the main problems with the 2001 contest was that they converted the Parken stadium in to a suitable stadium for the show. Unlike when they did that in Hamburg last year, they just decided to make a massive stage and didn't think about how it was going to look when people performed. So I can forgive them for that.

Plus, like I said earlier, 2001 & 2002 were TERRIBLE years for Eurovision. Barely a good song in amongst any of them. Bizzarely, the UK also gave this song 12 points, along with eight other countries, so some people liked them. No, I don't know either.

But there are other reasons - none of which related to the Estonian song - which is why I ranked this one above Marie N. Mainly, the fact that this was the contest with Dr. Death and the Tooth Fairy, possibly two of the most unintentionally hilarious hosts ever that Terry Wogan mocked throughout the show. Also, it had Aqua as the interval act, something that wouldn't be topped until Apocalyptica about 5-6 years later.

But, yeah. Terrible, terrible song. Eurovision was lucky to last after 2001 & 2002...

Up next: Literally, the most overrated song in Eurovision history.

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Italy - 1964 Eurovision Song Contest

Right, there's something I don't understand about this entry. Let's start with this: this song cannot be beaten in terms of "biggest victory" in Eurovision history. Yes, Rybak won by a greater points margin, but he had more points to score. Non ho l'eta won by nearly THREE TIMES as much as Matt Munro achieved in second place for the UK. She crushed EVERYONE.

But, why?

I mean, it's not exactly a spectacular song, is it? If anything, it's pretty average as far as I can see. Gigliola hasn't got a great voice and to be honest, as far as I'm concerned most of the chorus is just her droning on. It's just very average, and having listened to a couple of the other songs from the 1964 contest, I don't understand how it beat everything else by such a massive amount. Maybe you needed to be htere for it.

Of course, it's also difficult to tell exactly how good a performance it was since nobody bothered to keep a full copy of this contest (which probably says something about how much people thought of the victory, I guess) apart from the Danes, who then managed to let it get destroyed in a fire. There are bits of her reprise that still remain and when she performed it at the San Remo festival (Italy's sort-of national final for Eurovision) but the actual performance on the night only remains in audio form. Maybe she flashed everyone and that's what won her the victory. We can only but wonder.

Up Next: One of Eurovision's repeat artists.

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Austria - 1966 Eurovision Song Contest


For sheer persistence, Udo Jurgens probably deserved to win at least once. In 1964, he finished 6th but apparently that wasn't much of an achievement that year, thanks to Ms. Cinquetti. In 1965, he finished 4th. So by that law, he probably should have finished 2nd in 1966, but he managed to go one better and win the entire thing with "Merci Cherie".

There's nothing bad about the song. In fact, it's a perfectly nice song. But it's just a bit dull. It's not aged well and all it really has is that one big note in the middle of it. That's the only reason I can understand for it winning, at least. It's just a very average and old sounding song, hence why it's down here. But it's Austria's only win and the fact is they've never come anywhere close to winning since then (seriously, in the 45 years since they've managed a handful of 5th places and that's it). So they can at least hold it close to their hearts.

Up Next: The song that beat one of the best songs ever.

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France - 1958 Eurovision Song Contest

Dors Mon Amour is a lovely song. It's actually, by itself, probably deserving of a higher placing in this ranking. But it bugs me a lot. And not just because Andre Claveau seems a little creepy. I dunno. The way he moves his hands and sings makes me think he's in love with a woman the size of Tinkerbell.

But it's because it beat this song.

Oh, hey, look. It's VOLARE. You know, the song that's been covered by EVERYONE. Talk about overshadowing the winner, much? I mean, look at the wiki page for this contest. There's no actual mention in the introduction at all for Dors Mon Amour apart from "oh yeah, France won". No, instead there's a whole section about Nel blu diplinto del blu (the actual title of the song, everyone just calls it Volare because it's the obvious line to have as the title). I mean, fuck, the song won the Grammy for BEST SONG. And yet somehow, it only managed a measly 3rd place in Eurovision. The Europeans in 1958 really were fucking stupid.

Up Next: Another pre-70s song.

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  • 2 weeks later...


Netherlands - 1957 Eurovision Song Contest


Corry Brokken was the runner up in the first ever ESC to Lys Assia. Not to be deterred, she returned in 1957 and (relatively speaking) thrashed everyone, including Lys Assia, to get her revenge. Shame that the song is so shit. I also think she sort of looks vaguely creepy throughout it. The violin is really damn loud too which is offputting.

There's not much else I can say about it, really. So let's go to #53 too!


France - 1962 Eurovision Song Contest

Something slightly better! Yeah, to be honest this is where the songs start to get more in to the "huh, I can actually be bothered to listen to this all the way through!" territory. Isabelle was lucky to get any points at all with this song, mind, as there was a blackout that took place throughout the entire song before, which ended up with that song receiving 0 points. The blackout happened again almost immediately after Isabelle had finished performing, meaning she got very lucky indeed. It's a nice song, at the end of the day.

Up next: Something not from the 60s or 50s!

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