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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin
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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

Jon Van Allen was a tired man. A native Hoosier, he got up every morning, shaved, got dressed up, ate breakfast, kissed his wife, Patricia, and 4-year-old son, Jon, Jr., goodbye, drove to work, endured his asshole boss, drove home, ate dinner, and went to bed. That was it. Well except for that time that his wife's breast implants came to life and had to be removed before they caused her to suffocate.

But one morning, everything changed. It was 4:00 in the morning, and Jon heard a bump from outside. He went out to investigate, and there was a giant spaceship in his front yard! Out stepped an eight-foot tall alien creature. It had green skin, three arms, and a giant proboscis protruding from the top of its head.

Bork: HELLO, I AM BORK! I AM FROM THE PLANET ZERBULON!

Jon: Oh, my God. Tell me this is a bad dream.

Bork: THIS IS NOT A BAD DREAM! I AM REAL!

Jon pinched himself to see if this was real.

Jon: Ow!

Bork: I WANT YOU TO START A WRESTLING PROMOTION WITH ME AS YOUR TOP DRAW!

Jon fainted.

Edited by John Kerry's Evil Twin
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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

Jon got up at 5:30 in the morning. He had had a weird dream where a giant alien asked him to start a wrestling promotion. He hadn't watched wrestling since he was in college. Still, no big deal. It was just a dream, right? He decided to go take a shower. Suddenly, Jon, Jr. ran into the room, screaming!

Jon, Jr.: Daddy, there's a monster in my closet!

Jon: Son, I told you, there's no such thing as monsters.

Jon, Jr.: Daddy, there really is a monster in my closet!

Jon: Son, I need to get ready for work.

Jon, Jr.: Daddy, THERE IS A MONSTER IN MY CLOSET!

Jon: Okay, Okay! You don't have to yell. Let's go check out this monster, shall we?

Jon and his son went to his son's room. Jon opened the closet.

Jon: See, son, there's no such thing as mon... HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!

It was Bork! Jon was scared, but he regained his composure to talk to Bork.

Jon: What in the name of all that is sacred are you doing in my house?

Bork: I WANT YOU TO START A WRESTLING PROMOTION WITH ME AS YOUR TOP DRAW!

Jon: OK, fine! I'll talk about it this weekend! I have to get ready for work! In the meantime, why don't you go terrorize Governor Kernan?

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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

Friday, June 4, 2004

Jon got home from work, and sure enough, Bork was at the door to greet him.

Bork: NOW IS THE TIME TO DISCUSS THE WRESTLING PROMOTION! I THINK WE SHOULD CALL IT "THE ONLY WRESTLING PROMOTION WORTH WATCHING!

Jon: That's too long. Even the acronym is too long.

Bork: THEN WE'LL MAKE THAT OUR TAGLINE!

Jon: *groan* Fine.

Bork: THE COMPANY'S OFFICIAL NAME WILL BE ULTIMATE AMERICAN PRO WRESTLING! NOW WE NEED TALENT! I SUGGEST WE CONTACT YOUR WIFE'S REMOVED BREAST IMPLANTS!

Jon: Waitaminute... How'd you know about that?

Bork: I SEE ALL ON EARTH! NOW I WILL TRANSPORT THEM HERE!

Jon: Oh, no...

Patricia's removed breast implants were transported into Jon's house.

Lefty: Hey, look, Righto! It's that chump!

Righto: Let's get 'im!

Bork: STOP!!! HARM THIS HUMAN AND DIE! YOU ARE GOING TO WORK FOR ULTIMATE AMERICAN PRO WRESTLING AS A TAG TEAM!

L&R (scared): Uh, sure. Yeah. You got it!

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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

Monday, June 7, 2004

Note: From this point on, the diary is from Jon's point of view.

News

Last night, on WWE Sunday Night Heat, Val Venis beat Randy Orton for the Intercontinental title.

Shane McMahon has become head booker of WWE. Well, at least he'd be better than Mrs. LeVesque, the human inner tube.

I signed Jillian Hall to a 1-year, $267 per appearance contract. My wife has agreed to help me with the day-to-day operations of the company in her spare time.

I made several other offers, all of which were rejected. Hopefully, I can sign enough talent to have my show on Saturday, June 26. It will be called "Insurgence."

Jon, Jr. has really taken to Bork. Bork's a really kind-hearted individual, despite his(?) extremely loud voice and ugly appearance. I can't wait to see what crowd reaction will be to him(?).

I made some sponsorship applications. Hopefully, some will be accepted.

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oh. my. god. i think that i have gotten stupider by reading that. im pretty sure this is going to be one of those diarys that is so bad that its good. ill check it out again when a shows posted though, i gotta see what thats like...

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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I had to postpone Unleashed to this date because I couldn't sign enough talent in time. To answer nabeel's question, I gave my promotion 0% overness in every area. I also decided to go with TOWPWW as the promotion name. That Bork sure has ways of convincing people.

Anyway, here's my roster.

Faces

Vampiro (name brand talent, gotta have that)

Brian Lawler (another name brand)

Z-Barr

Derek Wylde

Jillian Hall (used as ref for this show since I couldn't hire any refs)

Me (announcer for this show)

Patricia Van Allen (my wife, also announcer)

Heels

Bork (I don't know why he wanted to be a heel. He said something about "creative freedom" but I'm confused. I have no idea how to run a promotion, so Bork is basically my mentor. G0 B0RK!!!!!!!1111111!!!!!!!!!!!)

Lefty (My wife's removed left implant)

Righto (My wife's removed right implant)

Brian XL

So there you go. I can't wait to see how my show will be tonight!

TOWPWW Unleashed

June 30, 2004

Tennessee

Opening Crap

I came down to the ring to announce. I thought that I would be announcing alone, but my wife came down to do the announcing job with me. She said that she came down to make sure I didn't make a pass at Jillian. Tonight's main event would be a gauntlet match to determine the 1st ever TOWPWW Heavyweight Champion. If a man was made to pin or submit during his match that night, he would be out of the gauntlet match.

First Segment: Jillian Hall dances

Jillian Hall was announced as the ref for tonight's matches. She came down to the ring and danced. My wife was covering my eyes the whole time.

Overall Rating: 34.2%

Second Segment: Derek Wylde vs. Brian XL

This was a very good choice for an opener. The two went back and forth and it was absolutely amazing. Not to mention I had never heard of either and only signed them because Bork wanted me to. Brian XL's name is kinda misleading, because the XL makes you think that he's a pretty big guy, when he weighs 153 pounds!!! Derek won with an Alabama Jam. (Bork told me to call it that. Something about a guy named Bobby Eaton...) Brian "XL" was removed from the gauntlet match. I don't like the XL. I think I'll change his name to... Brian of Nazareth! Then I can have him come down to the ring to "Always Look On the Bright Side of Life!" I tell ya, this is gold.

Winner: Derek Wylde

Crowd Reaction: 18.6%

Match Quality: 64.9%

Overall: 43.2%

Third Segment

Patricia and I hyped the 6-Man Tag pitting Brian Lawler, Vampiro, and Z-Barr against Lefty, Righto, and Bork! I can't wait to see how crowd reaction will be when they realize that L, R, and B are really what I say that they are and not just three guys dressed up in gay-ass suits.

Overall: 21.9%

Fourth Segment: Brian Lawler, Vampiro, and Z-Barr vs. Lefty, Righto, and Bork

Most of the crowd fainted when L, R, and B came out! The match started and Bork flattened all three of his opponents with spinebusters! A sickening moment happened when Bork went up to the top and was about to splash Lawler, but luckily, Lawler rolled out of the way in time! Good thing the canvas were supported with Zerbulan diamonds, otherwise it would have collapsed! Another moment came when Bork kicked out of THREE consecutive Hip Hop Drops! Soon after, Z-Barr was isolated in the enemy corner and being double-teamed by Lefty and Righto while Bork distracted the ref by holding a steel chair! Meanwhile, one drunken fan yelled, "This match sucks!" and Bork just ate him up. That's right, he put a drunken fan into his mouth and swallowed him. The end came when Bork charged at his three opponents, but the three pulled the rope down, sending him over the top rope, and crushing a few fans to death. Then, Lefty was on the top rope, but Lawler got him and hit him with a Frankensteiner for the pin! Lefty is out of the gauntlet match, which by the way is next!

Winners: Brian Lawler, Vampiro, and Z-Barr

Crowd Reaction: 18.4% (Almost all of them fainted after the fan was eaten.)

Match Quality: 68.2%

Overall: 34%

Fifth Segment: Gauntlet Match

The first two competitors were announced as Brian Lawler and Vampiro. The two began by shaking hands, as that's almost a requirement for Face vs. Face encounters. Lawler pinned Vampiro with a top-rope moonsault. Derek Wylde was next. He was pinned after a missile dropkick. Righto followed, and although he put up a fight, and bounced (pun intended) off the top rope for a beautiful elbow drop, he failed to knock off Lawler, succumbing to the Hip Hop Drop. Z-Barr was next, and was pinned after the Hip Hop Drop. Lawler was on fire! Bork then came in, and Lawler pulled out every trick in the book to stop him. It didn't work, as he was eaten up by Bork! Bork was declared the winner, and the first-ever TOWPWW Heavyweight Champion. I just made Bork the most hated individual in Memphis.

Winner: Bork

Crowd Reaction: 23.8%

Match Quality: 67.2%

Overall: 39.9%

The crowd stormed into the ring, and were all eaten.

Attendance: 222

Show Rating: 34.6%

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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

Monday, July 5, 2004

Announced my next show, Fire, which will be held on Saturday, July 31, 2004.

Monday, July 12, 2004

I signed Lex Luger to a one-year, $6359 written contract. Surprisingly, he didn't want to work as a wrestler, so I made him an INTERVIEWER! Too bad, because I was looking forward to having him feud with Randy Savage over Elizabeth. SMELL THE MOOLAH!

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Last night, after flipping the channels between Raw and a special presentation of "The Odyssey," I decided to rename Jillian Hall "Circe."

Friday, July 16, 2004

My e-mail says that Miss Jackie and Danny Basham have started dating. I have no comment for that.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

I signed Todd Sexton to a $639-per-appearance contract. He will work as an in-ring competitor and a heel.

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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

I've signed Bret Hart to a $13,198 per month written contract. He will manage Z-Barr, and will be a road agent and booker.

I've signed Harry Smith to a $4976 per month written contract. He will work as a main event face.

I've signed Bruce Hart to a $1228 per appearance contract. He will work as a main event face and be on the booking team.

I've signed Kamala to a $1928 per appearance contract. He will do backstage work.

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Sadly, Vampiro will not be able to wrestle for me tonight, as he is making an appearance for Osaka Pro.

Time for the show!

TOWPWW Fire

July 31, 2004

Tennessee

First Segment: Z-Barr vs. Brian of Nazareth

Z-Barr came out to Bret Hart's WWF music, accompanied by the "Hit Man" himself.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse

That prompted Brian of Nazareth (XL) to come out. I thoroughly enjoyed this match, as did my wife. A good start to a show. Z-Barr won with the Sharpshooter.

Winner: Z-Barr

Crowd Reaction: 12.7%

Match Quality: 63.2%

Overall: 30.9%

Second Segment: Brian Lawler and Bruce Hart challenged L&R to a tag team match, with the stipulation that if Lawler and Hart won, Lawler would get a shot at Bork's TOWPWW Heavyweight title next month in any kind of match he wanted. Bork had suggested I comment, "How can a Lawler and a Hart co-exist?" He said it had something to do with a "Kiss My Foot" Match on WWF PPV.

Overall: 40.1%

Third Segment: TOWPWW Heavyweight Title: Bork vs. Derek Wylde

Bork controlled the match in the early going, but Wylde was too sneaky for him. One time, Bork was about to eat Wylde, but Wylde gave him a drop toe hold into the corner, causing Bork to eat turnbuckle, "a la George Steele." Wylde was about to drop a leg from the top onto Bork, but L&R interfered, causing a DQ. They hit Wylde with their double team finisher, the Major Leakage, a double gutwrench suplex from the top rope. They kept stomping on him, but Brian and Bruce ran in for the save.

Winner: Derek Wylde by DQ

Crowd Reaction: 18%

Match Quality: 75%

Overall: 49.8%

Fourth Segment: Harry Smith vs. Todd Sexton

Harry Smith came out to the British Bulldogs' WWF theme, waving the Union Jack. Todd Sexton came out, and gave a speech bashing the US, and renouncing his American citizenship. Smith would have none of this, and immediately went on the offensive, hitting Sexton with a DDT and legdrop for 2. Sexton later seized control, cheating at every turn to gain an advantage. But it was Smith who triumphed, pinning Sexton a running powerslam as a tribute to his late father.

Winner: Harry Smith

Crowd Reaction: 38%

Match Quality: 68%

Overall: 54.1%

Fifth Segment: Brian and Bruce walked down to the ring.

Overall: 50.1%

Sixth Segment: Brian Lawler and Bruce Hart vs. Lefty and Righto

Bork came down for commentary. Brian and Bruce started out in control, but L&R turned the tables with an illegal switch when the Circe's back was turned. Bruce was isolated in the corner, but eventually took L&R down with a double clothesline and made the hot tag to Brian, and the place EXPLODED. Brian cleaned house on L&R, powerbombing Lefty and pinning Righto after a superplex. Bork and Brian had an intense stare down after the match.

Winners: Brian Lawler and Bruce Hart.

Crowd Reaction: 26.6%

Match Quality: 69.5%

Overall: 33.6%

Show Rating: 43.1%

Attendance: 558

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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

Sunday, August 1, 2004

I signed Donovan Morgan to a one-year written $5211 per month contract. He will work as a main event heel.

Thursday, August 5, 2004

I signed Vader to a one-year written $7879 per month contract. He will work as an interviewer.

Friday, August 6, 2004

Announced TOWPWW Alien Attack for Saturday, August 28, 2004. The main event will be Bork vs. Brian Lawler for the TOWPWW Heavyweight Title in a Steel Cage Match.

Sunday, August 8, 2004

Signed Horace Hogan to a one-year $729 per appearance contract. He will work as a main event heel. Signed Terri to a one-year written $6265 per month contract. She will work as a face manager.

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i have to admit, this is pretty fucking funny. Its most likely making my IQ drop at an astonishing rate but still, its funny. Keep it up, and have Bork eat some more people, cause eating people = ratings

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Well, I gave it a couple of shows, but I don't think I'll be giving it any more.

I just don't find it funny, or compelling to read. Don't take this the wrong way, as it's probably just my sense of humor, but I just find myself going "Huh?" when I'm reading it.

Anyway, good luck with this, and I hope you have fun writing it.

Because really, that's all that matters in the end.

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Guest John Kerry's Evil Twin

Thursday, Ausust 19, 2004

Dawn Marie will be appearing on Letterman. I wonder if she'll pull a Drew Barrymore?

Saturday, August 21, 2004

I signed Koji Kanemoto to a written $4497 per month contract. He will work as an upper midcard heel.

I signed Rowdy Roddy Piper to a written $7859 per month contract. He will work as a heel manager.

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