TheRaySays

Good to see that overreactions aren't just limited to The Ring.

Seriously, Heel Turn, you quote the information from Avengers #500 and then go on a rant about material not remotely included in that issue. Now, I'm probably going to absolutely loathe Wolverine and Spider-Man on the team, and just re-read the first year of the Busiek/Perez run last night (great stuff), so I'll probably end up on the same page as you, but I'm limiting my reviews to specific issues. Let's wait for #501 to arrive before we take a massive dump on it.

Here are the...

Comics Releases for August 18, 2004:

Cable & Deadpool #6

Publisher: Marvel

Writer: Fabian Nicieza

Penciller: Patrick Zircher

$2.99

Okay, so I likes the Deadpool, but I hates the Cable forever. That's really the only reason I've avoided this series, but what Cloudy wants, Cloudy gets, so I'll give this issue a try.

I'm daunted at first that this is Part 6 of "If Looks Could Kill," so the odds are pretty good that'll I'll be completely and utterly lost. Thankfully, we open with a "Previously" page that recaps the story thus far, and in a pleasantly funny and sarcastic manner, even using the word "sumbeech." Cool.

The skinny is that some nutjob named Anton Kruch and his One World Church have come upon a virus that'll turn everyone the same color in a crazy effort to eliminate racial differences. Okaaaaaay...

The obvious side storyline involves the disfigured Deadpool wanting to use the virus to change his scarred face. Cable and the villainous Lightmaster get infected as well, so Cable telekinetically destroys Lightmaster, bathing the entire planet in an infectious glow that turns everyone on earth bright pink and strangely isn't mentioned in any other Marvel comic.

But that's explained easily enough by the events of the issue, which have Cable sacrificing Deadpool to appease his own need to be a martyr, a metaphor that just gets hammered home when the last page promises "The Passion of the Cable Begins" next issue. Bleh.

The art is gorgeous, with some nice use of shadow and lighting effects, but the storyline is convoluted and clunky. Like Grant Morrison on New X-Men, Fabian Nicieza has big ideas, but it just doesn't seem like he has the tools to turn them into compelling stories. In the end, Cable gives us some sci-fi mumbo-jumbo and it's on to the next big showdown.

I guess I'd recommend this to die-hard fans of Cable and 'Pool, but I probably shouldn't have to. If they're die-hard, they're already getting it. To anyone else, even a Deadpool mark like myself, it's an easily ignored pass. I might check in later if a cover intrigues me (like Taskmaster showing up, hint-hint Marvel...), but it's not something I'll go out of my way to read again.

:ohwell:

Soon... Batman: Gotham Knights #56...

Okay, I posted two more reviews for last week, Soulfire #1 and Iron Man #87, so scroll up and check them out.

Here's the list of stuff that's on the racks this week:

Adventures of Superman #631 (DC)

Alpha Flight #6 (Marvel)

Astro City Special #1 (DC - Wildstorm)

Batgirl #55 (DC)

Batman Adventures #17 (DC)

Batman: Gotham Knights #56 (DC)

Birds of Prey #72 (DC)

Books of Magick: Life During Wartime #2 (DC - Vertigo)

Cable & Deadpool #6 (Marvel)

Cosmic Guard #1 (DDP)

CVO: Human Touch #1 (IDW)

Daredevil #63 (Marvel - Marvel Knights)

Dark Minds: Macropolis #4 (DW)

DC Comics Presents The Atom (DC)

DC Comics Presents Superman (DC)

Doctor Spectrum #1 (Marvel - MAX)

Exiles #51 (Marvel)

Ex Machina #3 (DC - Wildstorm)

Fantastic Four #517 (Marvel)

G.I. Joe #33 (DDP)

Hawkman #31 (DC)

Human Target #13 (DC - Vertigo)

I Am Legion Book One (DC - Humanoids)

Invaders #1 (Marvel)

JSA: Strange Adventures #1 (DC)

Loki #3 (Marvel)

Manhunter #1 (DC)

Man-Thing #2 (Marvel - Marvel Knights)

Mary Jane #3 (Marvel)

Moth #4 (Dark Horse)

New X-Men: Academy X #4 (Marvel)

Olympus Heights #2 (IDW)

Powerpuff Girls #53 (DC - Cartoon Network)

Robin #129 (DC)

Rogue #2 (Marvel)

She-Hulk #6 (Marvel)

Singularity 7 #2 (IDW)

Spider-Man: Marvel Age #10 (Marvel)

Starjammers #3 (Marvel)

Ultimate Spider-Man #64 (Marvel)

Ultra #1 (Image)

Voltron #8 (DDP)

Weapon X #27 (Marvel)

Witchblade #78 (Image - Top Cow)

Wolverine #18 (Marvel - Marvel Knights)

X-Men #160 (Marvel)

X-Men: The End Book One #2 (Marvel)

Any requests, I'll do my best to oblige. I'm probably going to read Batman: Gotham Knights, since that's part 4 of War Games and parts 2 and 3 were bagged as part of the Sky Captain and the World of My Sphincter ad campaign so I couldn't read them.

"Free Beer", tho I understand they had difficulty getting their name on the marquee for gigs...

Also, the first team, why did they use the Fast Forward so early? They already had a big lead and probably could have even beat someone if someone else used the Fast Foward. Maybe not, but I'd save it to when I am last place. What it come back and bite them in the ass later on and eventually lose.

Um... There's only TWO Fast Forwards, and they're both first come, first serve, so there's little to no chance that a last place team will even *see* one let alone get a chance to take it.

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Far and away, I'd recommend 100 Bullets as the best of the lot.

The premise, with the mysterious Mr. Graves presenting folks with 100 untraceable bullets to right some wrong they've suffered is really the focus of the first trade, with two stories as Numbahs indicated, and with very different outcomes. While the series primarily moves from one self-contained story to another, around about the third trade or so, things start to tie together and you'll find yourself going back to earlier stories with a new perspective.

The art isn't the usual superhero big-breasted chicks and roidraged guys stuff. It's more noirish, with heavy shadows and almost cartoony caricatures, but I find it to be refreshing and so utterly suitable to the stories that I can't imagine anyone else drawing the title.

If you do get it, please let us know what you thought. :thumbsup:

EDIT - Since you indicated you were open to suggestions, I'd also recommend Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons under DC Comics. You have gritty, mature comics as well as superhero stuff on your list, so I think you'll find it to be a cool intersection of the two if you haven't already read it. Sadly, it doesn't stand as revolutionary as it was at the time it came out as it had a great influence on the whole wave of mature superhero stuff, but it's still a high quality read.

I cannot recommend this game highly enough, and I LOOOOATHE the usual online gaming experience.

Some quick points I find important:

* NO PvP... at least not until City of Villains comes out next year, and even THEN, it'll be a toggle, so you don't have to fear getting griefed by some lamer with time on his hands when you just want to mission with your buds. Buuuut, if you feel like testing Doctor Cube vs. the local loudmouth, toggle it to PvP ON and go to it.

* The game FORCES most characters to team to survive at middle to high levels, but this isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing. For starters, it keeps the loner nuisance players clumped at lower levels since it becomes harder for them to advance.

Secondly, it plays into the whole comic book superteam concept, which is reinforced with cool game mechanics like Superteam Info Pages for team leaders to post messages and the addition of a second, team color coordinated costume that doesn't force you to abandon your solo look.

Thirdly, it forces a balance in superhero archetypes. Sure, there's lots of low level Blasters or Tankers who can wade into hordes of villains and lay waste, but there isn't a time that I'm on that some mid to high level group isn't clambering for a Controller or Defender for healing and crowd control.

* The game is $15 a month, but as Midget said, you can have up to 110 separate characters at present, and that might actually increase as more servers are added. Also, they've already updated the game twice with new zones and missions and villains and cool minor features like capes (the initial absence of which is explained with an amusing backstory).

These updates are absolutely free and took me less than 5 minutes to download using a cable modem. The creators are still VERY jazzed about the game, and I'm happy to find that they're not content to just sit on their laurels and let the game run itself, instead looking for constant ways to add to and improve the game.

* The only downside, which isn't NECESSARILY a downside, is that the game actually encourages tactical thinking. Sadly, that fact ends up lost on most of the folks one would randomly team with and the possibility of getting killed because Eugene the Retard ran through two mobs of Tsoo and trailed them all back to you is very, very likely. I have a few friends and loved ones I team with frequently and even then, there're some folks that I'm friends with but absolutely cannot play CoH with.

I most often play on Freedom as The Incomparable Pneuman, the titanium Defender, or as Oxford, the stone-fisted asskicker.

Fire off any questions (other than technical ones, ), and I hope to see some of y'all around Paragon City!

Also, the first team, why did they use the Fast Forward so early? They already had a big lead and probably could have even beat someone if someone else used the Fast Foward. Maybe not, but I'd save it to when I am last place. What it come back and bite them in the ass later on and eventually lose.

I don't know... Something about her nose weirds me out. :blink:

Okay, GoGo. I'm going to check me out some Plastic Man on your recommendation. :thumbsup:

Oh, and I edited my post above to include some Ultimate mini-series that I had forgotten. ("Bad Ray! Bad!" )

How many Ultimate X-Men Hardcovers are there so far..

How many Ultimate Spiderman Hardcovers are there so far..

What other Ultimate series are there?

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Here are the...

Comics Releases for August 11, 2004:

Identity Crisis #3 of 7

Publisher: DC

Writer: Brad Meltzer

Penciller: Rags Morales

$3.95

To quote the mighty StrongBad... "This is what I'm talkin' 'bout!" Thus far, I had been sharing TGC's hatred of Brad Meltzer's ham-handed "mystery," but he may have won me over in this incredible issue.

To bring those out of the loop up to speed, Meltzer's a best-selling novelist who made his comics debut picking up Green Arrow after the departure of everyone's favorite silent filmmaker Kevin Smith. Identity Crisis is his attempt at a big buzz murder mystery starring a bunch of major players in the DC Universe.

Now, the first two issues left me cold and in a quandary. The murder in question, of third-rate hero The Elongated Man's wife Sue Dibny, made most casual fans go "Who?" and most old-timers go "Why?" Add onto that the heavily implied crime of rape that purportedly predated her murder by more than a few years, and we're almost in DC Vertigo Mature Readers Only territory. I know I certainly wouldn't be able to sell this series to a kid and keep a clear conscience.

All that aside, it looked like we were heading for an overly sensationalized and unnecessarily brutal take on the dangers of secret identities. It's a tired premise, although I must admit to never having seen it handled in this way.

Well, with the third issue of this mini-series, Meltzer goes right for the throat with a 12-page dismantling of over a half dozen of the Justice League's more solid midcarders, including Atom, Flash, and Green Arrow at the hands of Teen Titans nemesis Deathstroke. I have to confess that I'm a big fan of seeing heroes get their asses handed to them in new and imaginative ways, and neither Meltzer nor Rags drop the ball on this one. Great, great stuff.

But a cool fight is one thing. What about the overall story arc? Well, it gets very interesting with a startling confession that makes sense of an old Justice League tale that had implications that obviously no one but Meltzer ever seriously considered. Not only does Meltzer consider it, he resolves it, but in a fashion that clearly forms the crux of the entire mini-series.

Add to that some brief two-page teasers that show such easily dismissed characters as Captain Boomerang, Robin, and Jimmy Olsen in interesting roles, and then finish it off with another possible murder (I say possible because just like with the old movie serials, a death in the last page of an issue isn't a sure thing until you see the next issue), and you've got a good, solid, entertaining read.

Now, I'm still not happy with the way Meltzer opened this series, and I may never be, but if the rest continues in the vein of this issue, he might end up with a mini-series that does far more right than it does wrong. Right now, I wholeheartedly recommend this issue, especially to more mature fans of either the Justice League or Teen Titans, but the jury's still out on Identity Crisis as a whole. I guess I'll reconvene in thirty days.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Soulfire #1

Publisher: Aspen

Storyteller: Jeph Loeb (supposedly)

Art: Michael Turner

$2.99

This one's almost exactly a year late, but Mike Turner's been keeping busy with various covers and projects for DC, and it's only natural that he backburner his creator-owned title. In fact, the cover proudly boasts that Soulfire is by the same creative team behind the wildly successful Batman/Superman. I'm sure that's a recent addition since this was originally solicited for order long before that, but whatever helps sell a book is fine by me.

So, is it worth the wait? In a word: No. In two words: Hell no. In three words: No Fu... Okay, you get the idea. Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't absolutely hate this book, but so much is done wrong, it's hard to get jazzed about what's done right, but I'll try to start on a positive note.

The Michael Turner art is pretty.

Now, some might call it gorgeous, but I'm a picky bitch, so "pretty" is about as far as I'm willing to go. And if you're buying a book by the artist behind Fathom, "pretty" is pretty much what you should expect.

Then it gets tough. The story, as it is, is flaccid and derivative. We start with a straight up rip-off of the movie Reign of Fire, which serves to just set up an extended sequence with a dragon laying waste to future San Francisco which just serves to set up our mysterious pretty chick which just serves to... may Ray very bored.

To say this debut issue is heavily padded would be a disservice to padding. We're talking 2 double-page spreads and 2 splash pages out of only a 22-page book. That doesn't leave a lot of room for character development or foreshadowing, so why bother, right?

No, instead, our creative team chooses to devote 4 full pages to a hologram arcade for no very good reason than to give Michael Turner various weird settings to draw (including a shootout in virtual Deadwood, which at least had a character gunslinging a pair of revolvers with the appropriate twelve bullets). If Turner's already bored with his creation and has to resort to this sort of crap to fill the book, this project's in deep trouble out of the gate.

Then we get to the editing, which I don't normally bother to comment on because by its very nature, editing should be a transparent affair. It's meant to keep things like word balloons that are missing words or misspellings or bad punctuation out of the book. At least in theory, a theory NOT in practice here. I'd love to find out what, actually, the editor DID catch.

I think that about covers it. If you absolutely, positively have to have more Michael Turner art, by all means drop another $3 on this issue. Hell, treat yourself and pretend it's the early 1990s by buying all 6 variant covers (same interior content) for $40 or so, because you know in fifty years this book'll be worth a small fortune.

Not so offensive to be worth major heel heat, but nothing to go crazy about either.

The literary equivalent of 1 Val Venis.

Iron Man #87

Publisher: Marvel

Writer: Mark Ricketts

Penciler: Tony Harris

$2.99

Well, #86 was the "Avengers Disassembled" follow-up to Avengers #500, and this continues "The Singularity," the story begun there. The gist is that Iron Man, Tony Stark to his friends and colleagues has been appointed U.S. Secretary of Defense and just loses it on the Latverian ambassador at the U.N. (the events of Avengers #500), calling him everything but an asshat, and resulting in speculation that he's fallen back ON the wagon and is now under congressional investigation.

Last issue left us on a cliffhanger, when what appears to be Iron Man lets loose and smokes the entire board of directors of his own Stark Enterprises, almost killing Tony Stark's best friends in the whole wide world Hap Hogan and Pepper Potts (man, are *those* names dated...).

Well, this issue, we get some backstory in the form of a series of flashbacks that detail the relationships between Tony and his ex-girlfriend (Japanese corporate bad girl and Paris Hilton wannabe Rumiko) and evil competitor Clarence Ward (who got caught selling WMDs to the Iraqis, if you call giant cricket robots WMDs...).

Then it's on to this issue's big cliffhanger swerve, which is confusing but cool, in the sort of way that makes me want to read the next issue. Score one for Mark Ricketts.

The art is kinda bland but serviceable, and while the face on characters are very expressive, they're sometimes a bit melodramatic. A prime example is Pepper Potts who looks emotionally wrecked in a scene that's actually played for cheap laughs.

I liked this one enough to check out the next, and that's really a triumph for Iron Man these days.

:thumbsup:

See ya next week!

Otto: Rollo says...the camel spits at midnight. I dunno what that means, but it CAN'T be good for you guys! So come on, let's do this!

I'm REALLY liking the dysfunctional duo of Otto and Rollo and look forward to their series with House of Pain.

I'm also liking Madd Maxx on the chase. New feds are probably best served with a dominant heel champ to help build up the face en route to the title.

Here's hoping your financials turn around so you can keep this rolling,

TheRay

Ray, why not do the Twelve Cent Adventure before Detective #797?

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Because they were only 12 freaking cents and sold out in a heartbeat... That, and I was too stupid to save one. :ohwell:

And Jean Grey died after going absofrigginglutely ballistic at finding Emma (White Queen) and Scott (Cyclops) making time together. She did the heel turn, Phoenix thing, and then got jacked up by Magneto in New X-Men #150.

Not nearly the event-filled week last week was, but here are the...

Comics Releases for August 6, 2004:

Batman & Catwoman: Trail of the Gun #1 of 2

Publisher: DC

Writer: Ann Nocenti

Artist: Ethan Van Sciver

$5.95 (prestige format)

This is the Catwoman I prefer... spandex so tight you can see her navel and a cocky attitude that makes men crumble. The story is a simple one, Catwoman is public enemy number one after supposedly committing mass murder with a coveted smartgun that never misses. The fact that this doesn't fit her M.O. doesn't seem to bother anyone in Gotham other than Batman.

The story opens with a tired debate over gun control that hits every cliche we've heard in the past twenty plus years on the matter. After that though, it's full steam ahead with a borderline campy caper story straight out of Ocean's Eleven or Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead. Ethan Van Sciver (of New X-Men fame) really cuts loose on the dive bar Real McCoy's and the colorful characters Zipperface Malloy and Brickhead Pete.

But after that, it's all downhill fast into an anti-gun rant that's hard to enjoy. I'm no gun nut nor very right-wing, but I don't read comics to be preached to, and at $5.95, it's hard not to be angry at being treated like a moron. Whether or not you agree with the message, you'd struggle to find a better anti-gun advocate among the superhero populace than Batman, but a prestige format book is hardly the forum for a one-sided debate.

Sadly, I can't recommend this book. The art is gorgeous, but for the price, you can purchase two regular comics with a much greater chance of entertainment. Even if you're avidly anti-gun, there's little here you haven't already heard a thousand times over.

Detective Comics #797

Publisher: DC

Writer: Anderson Gabrych

Penciller: Pete Woods

$2.95

Okay, this is billed as Act One: Part 1 of 8 of "War Games" a massive crossover running through all the Batman titles. Normally, this sort of thing is a trainwreck, especially with different writers going off in different directions, but with Marvel running Avengers Disassembled, I guess it's just natural for DC to retaliate with their crossover "big gun", Batman.

We begin "in media res" as they say, with an arranged shoot-out between Gotham's crime bosses that leaves most ventilated and done before things even get started. No big names drop, so no surprises there, but things definitely have an air of importance that an event storyline like this desperately needs.

Now, I don't know how this is going to resolve itself, but if this issue sets the tempo for the overall storyline, I'm in like MF'ing Flint! The art is solid without being overly flashy, but the true gem is the action scenes, including a piece with Batgirl pulling a "Kill Bill" stand-off against a Triad, Batman himself using Latino gangstas as literal stepping stones to get to their newly crowned boss, and a complex sequence involving a motorcycle, a LAW rocket, and innocent bystanders.

"I had nothing to do with your father's death. But that doesn't mean I won't have anything to do with yours." Great stuff.

The end of the issue has a clever twist that attentive readers will find puts a new spin on the events of the story and answers an important plot question in a surprisingly satisfactory fashion.

The back-up feature, by Shane McCarthy and Tommy Castillo, follows up on The Riddler's attempts to hide himself following the events of the awesome "Hush" storyline. Even with his wicked intellect, he finds himself at the mercy of a former ally who's powers are rapidly spiralling out of control.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book and, hopefully, the rest of the "War Games" storyline to any Bat-fans out there. Batman's been on a real roll of late, story-wise, and it's good to see that DC isn't just going to spin their wheels until the dream team of Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee return to the fold. If you're not up on current storylines, it may take some getting used to, but the dialogue catches readers up right quick without resorting to dull exposition.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

X-Men: The End Book One

Publisher: Marvel

Writer: Chris Claremont

Penciller: Sean Chen

$2.99

Here's the deal. The premise is old school X-Men writer Chris Claremont gets to tell what would be the ultimate LAST X-Men story. By definition then, this isn't part of current continuity, but it isn't quite a "What If?" story. Somewhere in between, I guess. Regardless, it's highly anticipated, but that can set expectations pretty high...

We start with a quick history lesson on The X-Men, told from an unknown perspective, and with particular focus on their interactions with the alien Shi'ar Empire. Not my favorite X-lore as I think the whole alien thing strays away from their "hated heroes" schtick, but I'm willing to accept it as part of their backstory.

My big problem with this whole shindig is the expository writing. For example, "But even The Brood can be taken by surprise. For all their dread (and well-earned) reputation, there are some powers even they respect. The Starjammer is one of them." Sure, it tells you what you need to know, but the issue is so full of it that folks new to The X-Men will be hopelessly lost, while X-Fans will already know all this stuff. I appreciate that it's a fine line to tread, but for all his laurels, Claremont should be more adept at it than this.

Some of the best stuff in this issue are the little things that curiously go UNexplained. Things like Jamie Madrox as a tool of the alien Kree, Kitty Pryde running for office in Chicago, and Wolverine gently tending to a paralyzed Storm. Sadly, each of these examples is given just a single page and much of the issue deals with the daughter of Bishop and Deathbird and the return of Jean Grey's Phoenix persona. *YAAAAAWN*

I guess I can recommend this to die-hard X-Fans, but if you're one of those, you undoubtedly already grabbed this up. Otherwise, I'd just take a pass. I guess this makes this my first :thumbs-in-the-middle:. I didn't hate reading it, but I didn't come away eager for more, either. :ohwell:

I've never had a problem with Amazon. Their descriptions are supposed to be supplied by the manufacturer or publisher so that's why they're often craptastic. Companies seem to give less than a shit about ad copy or accuracy. For example:

Ring of Honor - The Era of Honor Begins - starring Dusty Rhodes!

WTF?! Actually, I think Dusty has a hand in how they were distributed to Amazon (via his Turnbuckle Classics DVD line), but that almost turned me off of ordering it thinking I might've been getting the wrong thing or they might send me the wrong thing, but it was all good.

Have fun trying to find the right version of TV mini-series as well. Amazon had about 3-4 versions of Merlin listed, on DVD and VHS, all with different running times. That was a crapshoot and a half, but I did get the one I wanted.

As for the comics thing, trust me. Dealing with the ONLY comics distributor of note in the free world, no one does an even serviceable job of listing what issues are included in what trades. This is a constant griping point of mine, and I'd recommend folks do a little online research to figure this out before ordering a hard or softcover compilation because the distributors/publishers are zero help with this crucial info. Pisses me off...

Star Wars, while occupying a key role in my formative years, has always sucked wookie nuts.

Don't make me prove it in thoughtful debate. It's brought men to tears.

That is all.

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Well, I can't tell if that was supposed to be some trolling around or if you really just want attention. I'd gladly like to see what you have to say as your former post was pretty vague and un-necessary.

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Not trolling, tho I acknowledge that it'll stir up a shitstorm to lambaste the most overrated franchise in cinematic history. Any thoughtful debate seems unlikely to convince you as you indicate that my previous post was "vague and unnecessary (sp)," but I'll allow you to serve this volley. Pick something supposedly awesome about the Star Wars Trilogy, and try to be more specific than "the special effects". I will then gladly rebut.

Star Wars, while occupying a key role in my formative years, has always sucked wookie nuts.

Don't make me prove it in thoughtful debate. It's brought men to tears.

That is all.

I couldn't believe it. In the military they call it scuttlebutt. Here, in a high school gym locker room, it's just the usual backstage bullshit.

I had to consider the source. He was on his way out, and he wasn't too shy about letting everyone know about it. I just couldn't understand it. I mean, sure, the average Joe on the street might know D'Lo or be able to pick Mark Henry out of a crowd, but Elix? I'm pretty sure he generated a majority of "Who?"s from our "capacity" crowds.

Fuck him. PrimeTime my ass.

But still, his words stung me. Supposedly, Eric thought I wasn't delivering. Supposedly, I was in line for a slide down the card. I hadn't heard it from anyone other than that loudmouth, but I could see it in their eyes as they hollowly told me "Good show" or "That went well."

I was determined to sort this out myself, nip it in the bud before it spiraled out of control into the usual hearsay bullshit. I stormed into Bischoff's office...

"Look. Let's get this out in the open. Do you have a problem with what I'm doing out there?"

"What? Why would you think I had a problem with you? Who said that I had a problem with you? Whoever it is is a total ass. If I had a problem with you, then please answer me as to why I'd be putting you in my main event every show."

"I don't know, Eric, all I have to go on is the big mouth of Elix. Look, whatever he wants to do is between him and you, and I'm not looking to making any kind of deal out of that, but I've got nowhere to go. I'm not back there running my mouth about what I deserve or how you should run this business."

"No offense, Test, but you say this like you're doing me some big favor by working for me. Truth be told, you're right, you have nowhere else to go. You burned your bridge with the WWE, and your 'style' of wrestling isn't exactly appreciated around here. What do you think, you're just going to show up and receive mass approval by Ring of Honor fans? I don't think so, Test. I am your only option, so you bet your ass you're not going to tell me how I should run my business. You do what I say, not the other way around."

"Hey, I've done everything you've asked without question. You say grow my hair out? I let it grow, even if it's going to look like a dead raccoon on my head for a few weeks. You say lay down for Flair's kid? That's what I do. You want to put me in a finisher feud with Reno? I do my best to make him look like a million bucks. But what I won't do is go out there and bust my ass and have to hear shit secondhand from a bunch of ungrateful fucks. You got a problem with my performance, you tell me to my face... man to man."

"You know, Test, you're right. You have done what I've told, not asked, you to do. Which is exactly what you're supposed to do. I had enough of that 'creative control' bullshit in WCW. You're in my promotion now Test, so you do whatever the hell I tell you to or you'll be sitting on your ass at home collecting unemployment and waiting to cash your slut girlfriends paycheck..."

I bristled at the cheap shot, but I recognized it for what it was. Stacy and I were pretty much splitsville, but it still riled me. Bischoff knew what buttons to push and when to push them. Getting physical or even overly defensive would be the wrong thing to do in so many ways.

Bischoff continued his tirade. "But, you know what Test, you are right. You've done everything I've asked without question and maybe you do deserve more than Reno, even if he is a bit of a project of mine. You're right, a finisher feud with Reno isn't exactly something I'd be happy about if I were in your shoes. I can't just totally kill off the feud with Reno but I'll tell you what, I will make it a bit more interesting and take most of the focus off of Reno and put it on _________. We've been in negotiations for a while, and now that the money from his sex tape is running out he'll probably be interested in coming in for a while. He's no Benoit, but he's definitely talented. But, Test, realize I'm going to bat here for you. I'm putting my ass on the line, bringing in someone that is notorious for causing problems just to make you happy, and to see what you're really made of. Fuck this up and you WILL find your ass on the unemployment line."

Man, not exactly what I was looking for. Now I was going to have to worry about this "loose cannon" fucking up and making me look bad? See ya later frying pan, hello fire...

Time to bring Uncle Eric back to Mother Earth. "You pay my bills, Eric, and I'm grateful for that, but look around you. This ain't Madison Square Garden. Hell, it ain't even Club La Vela in Panama City. We're working bush league, Eric, and I'm fine with that because I could use a fresh start from the ground up, but you don't have Ted or Vince bankrolling you anymore. This means you gotta make do with less, and I don't think I've got an unrealistic view of my skills, but I *do* think I can contribute."

Bischoff leaned into me, his brow furrowed in agitation. This was spiralling away from where I wanted it, where I needed it to go.

"Who the hell are you to give me advice on running a promotion?! I've been there Test, and I've done that. Don't tell me how to do my job and I, well, I'll still tell you how to do yours because I'm the boss and you work for me. I know we're not in MSG, but so fucking what? We're making money each month, and the public is catching on more every month. And Test, let's not talk about your skills. I'll make it clear to you right now that the only reason I even brought you in is for your name value, which even then isn't much."

Okay, if no one else is going to do it, I'll toot my own goddamn horn.

"I drew the biggest pop out there. Go ahead, tell me I'm full of shit. I intend to put asses in seats and not by riding on my name. Sure, that'll get 'em in the damn door at first, but I want them to come back to see me again because I bust my ass out there like I never did before. You look around back here and see who else you can say that about and then make your decisions about where we're going, because we really can't fall any further, can we?"

"The ball is in your court Test. I changed my plans around for you, and you better not fuck this up. It's your last chance."

I stormed out of his makeshift office, still fuming, but hoping it was the kind of fire we needed... hoping it was the kind of fire I needed... and hoping it would help get us all out of this funk we'd found ourselves stuck in.

Sean's Sig Rules~!

Nice. I like this. It's nice to see local guys like Spank and Otto Schwanz (I hate his other personas) in this diary, but Otto *needs* to use his "Schwinging Schwanz" high-angle spinebuster! B)

I also appreciate the dramatic hook you've baited with the identity of "The Kingpin." It's a thin line between unrealistic and anticlimactic, so here's hoping you hit the mark in fine fashion. Nice choice in adding Jenny Taylor to the mix. Nothing says "indy" like "Catfight! Catfiiiiight!"

I don't have a problem with CW Anderson as champion, but you might want to put someone with Charisma alongside him as his isn't exactly legendary. Then again, if the challengers do all the talking and chasing, he can be a silent, brooding champion sitting at the top of the mountain waiting for someone to step up so he can knock them back down. Maybe it plays into the whole "Kingpin" storyline...

More please,

TheRay

TheRaySays was wondering what your opinions on Astonishing X-Men... ...if you have read any of them.

←

See my review above, which is specifically for #3, but covers my general impressions of the series thus far. :thumbsup:

I'll try to fit in recommendations/review requests as stuff comes in. Thanks!

In an effort to expand comics awareness as well as force myself to read more comics than I usually do, I'm going to rant on each week's selection of comics. I'm not going to spoiler too much ("OMFG! Superman is teh dead!"), but if you haven't read a title in a while, I'm going to be working on the assumption that you're caught up, so recent developments MAY be spoilered.

I will edit in more stuff as I read/review it, then post a new batch as new stuff comes in next week. Make sense?

If so, sit back, relax, and see if there's anything worth throwing a few sawbucks at for a quick, fun read...

Comics Releases for July 28, 2004:

Army of Darkness: Ashes 2 Ashes #1

Publisher: Devil's Due

Writer: Andy Hartnell

Pencils: Nick Bradshaw

$2.99

As a fan of Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, and the Evil Dead franchise, I approached this book with certain skepticism. The first thing one notices upon casual observation is the art style, which is reminiscent of Don Bluth's Dragon's Lair, a kind of quirky, offbeat caricaturish brand of art that strangely fits the humorous and surreal subject matter.

The first third of the book is basically a big recap of the events of the film, with the new story picking up immediately afterward. Andy Hartnell does a good job of capturing Ash's dialogue, and you can almost hear Campbell's voice as you read it. Maybe I'm easily amused, but, while I didn't find myself lol-ing, the jokes are pretty good and fit Raimi's style. As per the films, there is a steady diet of cartoony gore as well, and fans of Ash's chainsaw tactics shouldn't be disappointed.

I recommend this book to fans of the films, Bruce Campbell, or schlocky horror/fantasy. :thumbsup:

Astonishing X-Men #3

Publisher: Marvel

Writer: Joss Whedon (yes, THAT Joss Whedon...)

Artist: John Cassaday

$2.99

If you didn't know that Joss the Boss (Buffy, Angel, Firefly) got a gig writing Marvel's mutant franchise, then you need to catch up, and quick. Now, understand, I'm not the X-Men's biggest fan. In fact, most of the time, I find them to be an insufferable bunch of whining, overly angsty, self-pitying little whores, but Whedon clearly has a love of the characters that is certainly contagious.

If you like his television work or not, you have to admit that Joss knows how to juggle an ensemble cast, and he's up to snuff thus far on this series. Most notable is the return of Kitty Pryde, who Joss has clearly cast in the style of Willow from Buffy, still naively vulnerable but no longer the awkward adolescent she once was.

The story is fast-paced, with Whedon jumping between scenes of 2-4 pages or so with each ending on a dramatic pause that hooks the reader. The dialogue is predictably first-rate, with some lines making you wonder why no one has written it before (Cyclops to Nick Fury: "Even for a guy with one eye, your vision's incredibly narrow." Ironic, coming from someone nicknamed Cyclops...). Fury's cameo is great, and he comes off as a grizzled Malcom Reynolds from Firefly.

If there's one complaint I have about the series thus far, it is that fans of Joss will find some of his characterizations strangely familiar. Wolverine's noble roguishness and grief reeks of Spike, Kitty as Willow, Fury as Mal, Beast as Xander, and so on... It's not distracting thus far, and will probably feel like less of a crutch as he explores the characters' motivations (Beast gets the best handling by far given the story).

And the story is an intriguing one with lots of possibilities. If mutants can be "cured", should they be? Who decides? Parallels to genocide, supposed cures for homosexuality, and abortion are easy to make, but Joss never falls into the trap of afterschool special lecturing. Instead, he puts various characters at different points of the compass and allows us to see their points of view, resulting in a debate where everyone has a different perspective and no one is wholly right, as it should be.

I recommend this book to anyone who'd ever even touch a superhero comic. You don't need to actually know much about the X-Men other than the basics from the movies or cartoons or comics. They're mutants... They try to be heroes to a world that hates and fears them. Enjoy. :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Avengers #500

Publisher: Marvel

Writer: Brian Michael Bendis

Penciler: David Finch

$3.50

Brian Michael Bendis is Marvel's golden boy of the moment, having made Ultimate Spider-Man one of the biggest surprise hits in recent comics memory. He's moved his creator-owned title Powers to Marvel and is now under exclusive contract to them, so it stands to reason that they'd tap him to reinvigorate "Earth's Mightiest Heroes."

I've been a big fan of the Avengers since my childhood, and it led to me finding joy in characters I'd never have checked out otherwise like Captain America, Hawkeye, Iron Man, and Thor. Lately, the roster has been bolstered by the addition of some solid midcarders like The Falcon, She-Hulk, and Black Panther as well as some jobber fodder like Ant-Man and a brand spanking new female Captain Britain. This gives Bendis the daunting task of making a dozen characters interesting.

Sadly, it's hard to say whether or not he'll be able to pull that off, because his run on the title starts with a literal bang and doesn't let up to the final page. That's not to say that there isn't ANY character development, but this issue hits so fast and so hard that you'd swear the closing quiet moments would play out right before the opening theme in the sort of way that modern TV dramas try to hook you with a shocking teaser and then cut to the credits.

The story involves a mysterious foe absolutely blitzing The Avengers on some vendetta, using some of their own former and current members against them in unique and original ways. In particular, She-Hulk is handled in a way that keeps her from being just a sexier but more boring version of her namesake cousin.

The art is spectacular, and equal attention is paid to the big action sequences and the character's reactions to the events of the story. Emotion is painted on the faces of all of the members as they go from being concerned, to worried, to outright maddeningly scared at their own destruction. The running storyline is entitled "Avengers Disassembled," and they get decimated here in a way that hasn't been done since The Masters of Evil trashed the mansion and laid Hercules out on the lawn.

Now, while Avengers fans will be marking out all the way through, non-fans would be better off not bothering. There's sadly nothing in here that'll convert someone to Avengers fandom, and much of the emotional punch of the events will be lost on someone who doesn't already have an attachment to these characters. In that regard, the comic is only a mixed success, because big events like this are usually designed to get people to take notice of a title, while the best Bendis could really hope for is that fans who ditched the title during its seemingly interminable lameness will jump back on board.

I give this book the highest possible recommendation to anyone who's ever enjoyed The Avengers or any of the team's iconic characters such as Cap or Iron Man. To non-fans, the book might be a fun read, but might be a little too much action with not enough context.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:, but with reservations.

Catwoman #33

Publisher: DC

Writer: Ed Brubaker

Artists: Diego Olmos & Jimmy Palmiotti

$2.50

Those looking for Halle Berry should scroll down now. This isn't Warner Bros.' Catwoman... okay, well, since DC Comics is *owned* by Warner, and not in the pwned way but in the "We'll make the movies the way we want to, geeks be damned" sense, I guess it *is* their Catwoman, but you get the idea, I hope. This is the comics Catwoman, the thief with a conscience of sorts who has a love/hate relationship with the Dark Knight Detective.

Now, pencil me in under the column of folks who *loathe* the new, girl-friendly, art deco zippered jumpsuit for Catwoman. I understand the desire to take the character into a direction away from tits and ass, but seriously, what better character to peddle tits and ass than a chick who runs around in high-heeled leather boots wielding a whip? Come on, Susan B. Anthony she ain't...

But, assuming that DC's gambit to attract female readers who'd be scared away by camel toe and thigh-high stilettos, I'm willing to cut Catwoman some slack. The tagline on the cover, however, "Her Life, Her Town, Her Law!" just screams Smackdown theme song and promises a level of cheesiness I may be unable to prepare myself for.

The self-contained story unfolds out of sequence and with changing perspectives, almost like a Tarantino flick, and I'm hip to that. The art is kinda clunky and chunky, with heavy inks and sparse backgrounds, but tells the tale well enough.

And the tale, while a cliche little urban tale, has enough noir to fit what the title should be about. Catwoman shouldn't be running around dropkicking robots. She's a burglar and a vigilante, and Brubaker does a good job of portraying her as such and drawing the distinction between her brand of justice and that of Gotham's more infamous defender.

Looking for a hot chick in spandex? Look somewhere else. Looking for a fun little urban superhero book with potential? This might be your bag.

:thumbsup:

JLA #102

Publisher: DC

Writer: Chuck Austen (ewwwwww)

Artist: Ron Garney

$2.25

Okay, I haven't read the first part of Austen's Justice League debut because I absolutely cannot stand his writing. That's going to make this difficult, but I've been following JLA on and off for over 100 issues now, and old habits die hard.

Austen, however, in all his hamhandedness sticks me in the gut with this absolutely atrocious effort. I loved Garney's art on Mark Waid's relaunch of Captain America a few years ago. His skills are wasted here in a morality tale about, of all things, smoke alarms. Seriously, this shit reads like a PSA from the 1970s, and it doesn't hold up well at all.

This issue is just a part of an overall story arc ("The Pain of the Gods") which seems to revolve around the notion of heroes not being able to save everyone. This isn't anything new and was handled much better in recent issues of Thor which had the Norse hero suddenly taking his supposed "god" status seriously. A fireman telling Flash "You *never* get used to finding dead kids." doesn't come off as so much dramatic as just cheezy, and Flash's reaction (giving everyone smoke detectors with his superspeed) is just flat-out lame. Seeing a full page of The Flash rapidly installing smoke alarms draws inappropriate laughter at best.

"It's a battery. Costs a dollar and it could save your kids' lives." Seriously. That's just weak.

Now, while this is part two of "The Pain of the Gods", and I get the impression that part one focused on a similar situation with a different hero (Wonder Woman?), we're "treated" to an epilogue with Superman coming to a similar realization that he can't save everyone and the teaser caption "Next: Green Lantern". Man, is this what I have to look forward to?

Up to this point, I was starting to wonder if I just liked comics too much because I was enjoying everything I had read, but this comic is simply deplorable. The Flash vs. Fire and Fire wins! Wow.

Not that I'm adverse to introspective stories of this nature, but this was just lazy and cheap, especially when we're given the panel of dead children followed by a page of discussion with the fireman. Worse, I can't see where this is going to pay off any time soon. The JLA trying to take responsibility for the state of the world? Grant Morrison did a much better job of showing the problems with that in the first four issues of this very series, and without trying to sell extra tissue along the way.

I recommend avoiding Austen's work entirely and this issue in particular.

:angry:

That's it... for now.

Broads... That's always been my problem.

Sure, Vince exaggerated a bit when he said I was a bodyguard for Motley Crue, but that's what this business is all about... exaggeration.

It's NO exaggeration, though, to say that even back then, before my big break, broads were my Achilles Heel. Shit, backstage passes? Now that we've established what I can do for you, what can you do for me? I didn't think of it as self-centered, manipulative, or opportunistic back then. It was just business as usual.

It's funny because the boys tried to warn me. I was still an outsider around the locker room, a rookie, but here I was feuding with a main event heel and in a romantic angle with the boss' daughter. And that's where trouble came into paradise.

You hear all the time about guys living their gimmicks, losing that important separation between fantasy and reality. It's not that I fell in love with Stephanie, per se, but to think I actually bought into the act, that she gave two shits about me. It was a rude awakening when her and Hunter hooked up and I found myself in a freefall through tag partners like Albert, Booker T, Christian, Scott Steiner... I had become superfluous, a fucking footnote.

And the one bright spot in all this, the one thing that kept me going through the slide down the ladder was Stacy. A true sweetheart, she genuinely gave a shit. She actually put her own ass on the line to help me, and wonder of wonders, it worked. We were getting over. Sure, the cheers were primarily for her, but that didn't bother me. She earned every single cheer we got.

Then creative said they needed more heels, and never ones to take the harder road when old, cheap tactics presented themselves, they turned me on her. Cheap heat's better than no heat, I guess, but with Steiner and I both getting hurt, it seemed like Stacy paid the price. Left to introduce pointless Diva segments and wrestle in throwaway tag matches, she was going nowhere fast, and our relationship suffered for it. Back to living the gimmick, the feud almost became real. I guess in a lot of ways, I became the jealous, chauvanist asshole they made me out to be. I never meant to lay a hand on her, not like that, not ever.

So here I am, with Uncle Eric, main eventing a gymnasium because some folks still recognize me, are willing to cheer me because they don't know the real me, don't know the scumbag I've been of late. Main eventing because Uncle Eric likes 'em tall. Growing my hair back out because while the gym ain't MSG and I ain't Kevin Nash, Uncle Eric likes things familiar.

Maybe this can go somewhere. Maybe I can find some form of redemption in these podunk towns. Or maybe I'll end up fucking around with one of these broads and continuing my downward spiral, finding out how far down the bottom really is.

Find out if I'm up to the Test.

RR:  Your new concept album The Neon God Part I: The Rise was just released; can you briefly describe the story?

BL:  Honestly, no.

RR:  No?

BL:  Well, when you say briefly.  You have the record right?  I assume they gave you the booklet and all that stuff?

RR:  Oh, I know exactly what it's about…

BL:  To say or to ask, and I'm not trying to be a snot with you here, don't get me wrong but it's just an enormously complex piece of work.

Honestly, I don't see what's so wrong with that. I mean this guy comes into the interview fawning that he's such a big fan, then just asks very general questions, or ones he seems quick to crow about already knowing the answer to. Many interviewees would be more than happy to just jabber like a big press release, but I got the impression that Lawless would rather talk about something more specific than "briefly summarize your concept album for us".

It reminds me of Stephen King getting aggravated at all the times he's had to answer the question "Where do you get your ideas?" or Tori Amos telling Lisa Ling on The View that she draws her inspiration from "spaghetti". Vapid, empty questions like these are shitty interviewing, in my opinion. If you're going to make your living as a serious journalist of some sort and not just some pretty talking head, research is your friend. He gets picked on by Will Ferrell, but James Lipton knows his shit. Same with Charlie Rose.

Just my take. YMMV.