lafunky xxvii

We kick off the show for the second week in a row with a dark room, lit by the flutters of candlelight. From the darkness emerges the mysterious women, pale skin contrasting with her long, midnight black hair. The camera follows her eyes and see takes a seat at the table now revealed in front of her. She leans over the table, picks up the deck of tarot cards and deals them out in front of her.

“A beast still follows us. It jumps from shadow to shadow, taunting us, trying to lead us astray.”

The camera shows a card labeled jealousy. She turns over another card.

“But can we be strong?”

She turns over a final card.

“Tonight there will be some big challenges, but the greatest of them all is greed. Can these evil desires be fought off?”

She turns over a final card, smiles, but does not let the camera see it.

“We shall see.”

---

Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the...FLOOR!

Show 3

Yes ladies and gentlemen, we are live from Roanoke, Virginia for the third broadcast of ECW on SciFi. The dynamic duo of Joey ‘Oh My God’ Styles and the former ECW World champion Tazz are sitting at the table, soaking up the atmosphere before they open up the show. As you would expect the two men discuss tonight show, accompanied by some snazzy ‘extreme’ graphics. Styles talks about tonight being the second part of warm up for next week’s ECW World title match where Rob Van Dam will face John Bradshaw Layfield. Tonight it will be RVD’s turn to take on an opponent of JBL’s choosing. Footage is shown of JBL’s loss to Sabu following a distraction by Van Dam. Styles and Tazz speculate about the identity of the challenger, with Tazz adding “the only thing I’m sure of is that this guy is gonna be tough.” Also tonight, they reveal, Paul Heyman has booked a 4-way elimination tag match after the fall out from last week. They comment on the rumours that the winner of this match will be announced as the first Tag champions of the new ECW. They briefly mention Kurt Angle’s open challenge before they are interrupted by a massive pop and the debut of Stevie Richards on ECW TV.

Richards bops and bounces his way down to ringside to his old ECW theme, slapping hands with the fans and generally looking like he was enjoying himself. He school boy errors the ring announcer before taking the stick off him and stepping into the ring.

STEVIE – “Heeellllooo Virginia! Yes, I’m back! The man, the myth, the legend, the hitch hikin’, beatdown takin’, economy class flyin’, super kickin’ son of a gun, Big Stevie Cool, Stevie Richards! I’m home and I’m here to start over. First off I want to apologise to you, the fans. In 1997 I left my home, the company that gave me my big break, Extreme Championship Wrestling. I left because I wanted to move on to bigger things, to take Steviemania worldwide, and for that I am not sorry. However, ever since that day I have had one regret. When I stepped into this ring almost 15 years ago I had one goal and that was to win the ECW World championship. I wanted to be the man of the people, the greatest champion in the history of the sport, the champion of you, the fans, but I never did that…and it stops right now. Today is the beginning of a new era in ECW, the era of Steviemania! The days of Stevie Richards, lovable putz is over…today begins the era of Stevie Richards the champion…”

The rebirth is interrupted by everyone’s favourite yuppie stepping through the curtain. The Mike Daddy is back and with him is his client, the man-beast, Gene Snitsky. Cole struts down the aisle, his white loafers dancing down the ramp, Snitsky methodically following, grunting and rubbing his hands. Cole waits on the apron as Snitsky holds the ropes open for him. Tazz stares hard at Cole as he snatches the microphone from Richards.

COLE – “You’re going to be ECW World champion? You? Bwahahahaha! You think you’ve got what it takes to win a World title? Look at you, you’re a loser. I wouldn’t hire you to clean my pool. You know what the saddest thing is? These people actually look up to you. But you know what Stevie, I’ll bite, because this is a perfect opportunity for me to show what my client can do. This man is the meanest, toughest, most destructive monster in wrestling today…isn’t that right, Tazz?”

Cole turns towards Tazz and begins to laugh. Tazz just glares at him.

“So Stevie, good luck. How does that tired old catchphrase go? Win if you can, survive if he lets you.”

Cole smiles at Stevie, who is attacked from behind by Snitsky leading to an impromptu match.

Stevie Richards vs Gene Snitsky

The crowd is firmly behind Stevie, but sadly wrestling is more than a popularity contest. Snitsky beat Richards from pillar to post, showing absolutely no mercy. The Big MC, Michael Cole stood on the outside, barking instructions, cackling as his monster laid into Stevie. Richards managed to duck a massive avalanche splash in the corner, scuttling back and hitting the Stevie Kick, but it didn’t even stagger Snitsky. Snarling at the teeth, Snitsky stepped out of the corner, gave Richards a huge headbutt, whipped him into the ropes and planted him into the mat with a vicious spinning side slam for the win.

Winner: Gene Snitsky

Rating: 67%

Michael Cole stepped back inside the ring with the stick again.

COLE– “Now that was great. You know what, I want to see that again. Can we can an action replay?”

As if on cue, Snitsky picked Richards up, threw him into the ropes and gave him another giant spinning side slam.

COLE – “Wow, that was even more impressive the second time. Dare I ask, how about one more?”

Snitsky lifts a lifeless Richards to his feet once again, but he and Michael Cole quickly bolted out of the ring as Tazz dived in for the save. He tended to Stevie as Cole and Snitsky retreated up the aisle.

As Joey Styles discusses the despicable acts of Cole and Snitsky and officials tended to Stevie Richards we cut to an ECW Live break.

-ECW Live Advert-

The cameras come back backstage to find on loan WWE superstar Gregory Helms frantically running through the corridors of the arena. He hurriedly opened doors and peered in, apparently looking for something. He stops when he found one of the production guys.

HELMS – “Hey, have you seen any of the boys around?”

PRODUCTION GUY – “No, sorry.”

HELMS – “Damn it”

Helms leaves the room and goes back to his search. He opens the next door to find Axl Rotten and Balls Mahoney playing cards.

“Either of you guys want to be my partner tonight?”

AXL – “Not a chance, short stuff”

Helms growled as he slammed the door shut, hearing Balls and Axl laughing in the background. He darted across the hall and opened the next door into a dressing room. He ran in and opened the bathroom door within, which was sharply followed by a scream.

HELMS – “Sorry!”

Helms sprinted out the room as Beulah emerged from the shower, dripping wet, clutching a towel.

The camera follows Helms running down the hall and shows him sliding around the corner. It spins back and shows the other side of this t-junction where Kelly is walking towards the camera. A figure jogs up behind her and taps her on this shoulder. It’s Johnny Nitro.

NITRO – “Hey Kelly, how are you? I just wanted to come and apologise about last week and for Melina. She didn’t mean it, honestly, I mean, you know what girls are like. I tried to stop her but she can be a little bit…vicious when she thinks people are trying to take the spotlight from her. So, are we ok?”

KELLY – “…I guess so.”

NITRO – “Good, because what I really wanted to say to you was that I really enjoyed your little show last week.”

A smile emerged from Kelly’s worried look.

KELLY – “Really?”

NITRO – “Oh yeah. I hope it’s not the last I’ll see of it.”

KELLY – “Well Johnny, you’ll have to wait and see about that, won’t you?”

Kelly walks off, smiling, Nitro standing back admiring the view when suddenly his daydream is broken by the squealing appearance of Melina.

MELINA – “Johnny! What the hell were you doing talking to her?”

NITRO – “Err, err, nothing, I was just standing here and she came up to me and just starting throwing herself at me.”

MELINA – “Right, that’s it, I’ve had just about enough of her, first she tries to steal my airtime and now she’s trying to steal my man?! Come on Johnny, we’re ending this once and for all.”

Melina stomps off while Nitro stands there for a moment, remembering the image of Kelly walking away.

MELINA - “Johnny!!”

Nitro quickly jumps into action and follows Melina down the corridor.

Rating – 73%

-COMMERCIAL BREAK-

Straight back from the break the cameras are on the entrance ramp as Melina stomps down towards ringside, her heels clanging against the steel. Johnny Nitro trails behind, smiling like a mischievous child. He eggs her on as she angrily strides towards the squared circle. Nitro runs around the outside and grabs Melina a microphone, on her orders.

MELINA – “Kelly, I want you to get your skank ass out here right now! Last week you came out and tried to steal MY spotlight and MY fans, now you’re trying to steal MY man?! You think you could get your claws on someone like my Johnny? Hah! You’re dreaming, honey, because Johnny is a real man and he needs a REAL woman to satisfy him. Come on bitch, get out here now, I’m going to teach you some manners.”

Melina eagerly awaits the arrival of her foe but she is surprised when some different music comes out of the PA system. The crowd show great appreciation for the femme fatale who steps through the curtain, the original Queen of Extreme, Francine. She has a stick of her own.

FRANCINE – “You need to watch your mouth little girl or it’s going to get you hurt, ‘cos your attitude may have got you somewhere on Raw or Smackdown, but it’s not going to fly here. You come out here saying this is your show, that everyone came to see you, that you’re the ‘Queen’ of Extreme Championship Wrestling, well you know what I think you are? I think you’re a whiny little bitch.”

The crowd cheer Francine’s burn as Melina stands there stunned, mouth wide open.

MELINA – “I’ve had just about as much as I can take of you. You know what you are? You’re a bitter old wench, withered and wrinkled, jealous because the boys don’t want to play with you anymore. Well why don’t you bring yourself down here and I’ll put you out of your misery.”

Francine seems to accept the challenge as she strolls to the ring, but then pauses halfway.

FRANCINE – “I won’t…but he will.”

She points to the far side of the arena as some familiar music kicks in and through the crowd comes The Sandman. He takes his time getting to the ring, making his prey wait anxiously. Nitro crouches, waiting to pounce as Melina stands behind him. The Sandman forgoes the can crushing this time and slides into the ring. Nitro makes a rookie mistake and lets Sandman get to his feet, then goes for a clothesline, but it’s ducked. THWACK! Cane shot to Nitro! He quickly gets up, but takes another shot for his troubles. Sandman turns his attentions now to Melina, who is down on her knees begging for mercy. Sandman grabs her by the hair and looks set to make it a trifecta of cane smashes when Francine tackles Melina from behind, inviting the cry of CATFIGHT from Joey Styles. Melina and Nitro manage to find the bottom rope and roll to the outside, then escape through the crowd as Sandman and Francine celebrate with a beer.

Rating: 68%

After a promo for the upcoming Raw/Smackdown supershow we come back to the ring where Tazz and Styles explain that it’s time for the Kurt Angle Open Challenge. Already in the ring is his opponent for this week, Danny Basham, accompanied by his brother Doug. Styles informs us of Danny’s background in amateur wrestling, emphasising that it will be a tougher challenge for Angle this week. The remix begins as the trumpets replay and the Extreme Wrestling Machine Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring.

Kurt Angle vs Danny Basham

Angle seems to be up against stiffer opposition this week in the form of a former WWE Tag champion. Angle looks intense as always, but Basham is unphased…until the bell. Angle goes at him like a rabid dog, biting at his ankles. Basham jumps around the ring like a little girl frightened by a mouse as he tries to escape the grasp of the Olympic Gold Medalist. Eventually Angle gets hold of him and slams him to the mat. Basham jumps straight back up to his feet, but he meets a disgusting headbutt from Angle and hits the deck again. Ankle Lock. Tap out. All she wrote.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Rating: 77%

The cameras again cut backstage where we again find Gregory Helms running around, apparently looking for a tag team partner. He tries the next door he comes to, but it’s the broom closet. He picks up a mop and contemplates tagging with it, but shakes his head and throws it to the ground. His next port of call is the bathroom.

HELMS – “Hey, anyone in here?”

Al Snow’s voice answers his call from behind a stall.

SNOW – “Just me buddy.”

HELMS – “Al, you want to be my partner tonight?”

SNOW – “Sorry pal, but I’ve got some problems of my own right now.”

A horrendous sound comes from behind the toilet door.

SNOW – “Phewey! Watch out below!”

Helms shakes his head and sprints out the door. He bumps into an unknown character, similar size to Helms, longer hair, with tattoos up both of his arms.

HELMS – “Watch where you’re going kid…hey, are you a worker?”

UNKNOWN – “Yes I am.”

HELMS – “You want to be my partner tonight? It’s a big match.”

UNKNOWN – “Sure”

HELMS – “Great, we’re up next…oh, and what’s your name kid?”

UNKNOWN – “My name…is CM Punk.”

HELMS – “Ah, it doesn’t matter, come on kid, our match is next.”

Rating: 72%

-COMMERCIAL BREAK-

We take a view of the arena from the outside then it’s back inside where Styles and Tazz tell us that it’s now time for the 4-way tag team elimination match. First team out are The Full Blooded Italians, accompanied to the ring by Big Guido. Maritato walks down to the ring sporting his Cruiseweight title belt and is sure to show it off to the crowd. Next out are the last ECW tag team champions, ‘Dastardly’ Danny Doring and the angry Amish chicken-plucker Roadkill who get a less than warm reception from the Virginia crowd. Third out is Gregory Helms and his new ally, CM Punk. Helms gives Punk and pep talk as they wander to ringside, pointing to Little Guido and telling him ‘he’s mine’. The final team out get the loudest pop of the night, Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk come through the curtain accompanied by the delightful Beulah. They hit the ring and the match begins.

The FBI vs Doring & Roadkill vs Helms & Punk vs Funk & Dreamer

Referee John Finnegan breaks up the original melay and regains a bit of order in the match. Doring and Roadkill start off dominating Dreamer, taking out some of their frustrations from last week. Punk gets some good early shots in, but every time Little Guido gets in the ring Helms calls him to tag out. The first casualties of the match are the team of Dreamer and Funk, much to the crowd’s surprise. Whilst Dreamer battles off both Doring and Roadkill in the ring, Edge, Mick Foley and Lita make their way through the crowd. They jump the barrier and pull Funk down off the apron, pummeling him. Quickly they drag and through him back towards the ramp. Beulah squeals from the outside at Tommy and points towards the mob who have taken his mentor captive. Dreamer slides under the bottom rope and chases after them, eliminated by count out. The next team out are the FBI as CM Punk picks up an impressive debut victory, making Tony Mamaluke submit with the Anaconda Vice after an STO-like move. However, Punk is left prone on his own when Helms hightails it out the ring, chasing after Little Guido and his title belt. Punk has no chance against the more experience team and is soon a victim of the Buggybag. Doring and Roadkill pick up the victory.

Winners: Doring & Roadkill

Rating: 74%

The cameras go straight from the action to the backstage area where there is still some commotion. The camera follows Tommy Dreamer and Beulah as the scramble their way into the parking lot. A horrified looks is shown on Dreamer’s face and a cry of ‘noooo’ as they feed turn to show Foley and Edge double powerbombing Terry Funk from a car, through a plate of glass perched between two chairs atop a flaming table. The evil trio see Beulah and Dreamer and sprint from the building as Beulah screams for the EMTs.

Rating: 86%

-COMMERCIAL BREAK-

Before the main event Joey Styles has the unfortunate job of reporting that Terry Funk has been taken to hospital with severe lacerations and burns. Tommy Dreamer and Beulah are at his side, but, as Styles says in a somber tone, this could be the end of Terry Funk. The crowd, obviously oblivious to this information quickly turns to frenzy as Rob Van Dam makes his way out to ringside for his warm up match against an opponent of JBL’s choice. Layfield comes out onto the stage, but he does not say a word. Instead, he points behind him and the identity of challenger is revealed.

“Weeeelllll, it’s the Big Show!”

The 7 foot tall, 500 pound monster raises one arm then strides towards RVD, walking up the steps and going over the top rope in one giant step.

Rob Van Dam vs The Big Show

Van Dam tries to use his speed and agility to take it to the big man in the early going. His high risk offence seems to be working until he goes to the top rope once too often and Big Show crushes him with a huge clothesline. Show continues the assault, much to the dismay of the crowd, punishing the fan favourite. He looks to have the match wrapped up, crushing RVD’s chest and sternum with a massive Bearhug, but RVD battles back. He fights out of the hold with rights and headbutts, then springs off the ropes with a kick to the jaw. RVD continued his momentum, keeping Show grounded, trying to leave him primed for the Frog Splash. RVD jumps to the top rope and scores with a spinning heel kick, knocking Show silly and sending him crashing to the mat. RVD points up top again and looks to ascend up the turnbuckles and the ref checks on Show. RVD steadies himself. CRACK! JBL runs down to the ring and smashes a chair across the back of RVD. The crowd pelt JBL with garbage as Show picks RVD up for the Chokeslam and the win.

Winner: The Big Show

Rating: 78%

The show ends in a reversal of the previous as JBL stands on the stage taunting his defeated rival.

-End Show-

Overall Rating: 73%

Why should Immigrants Stadium host an England match when its team have no English players? It should just go about hosting foreign internationals.

I like ECW's involvement on Smackdown, even if it is just in the form of the FBI. Hopefully it will branch out a bit more and give some others some airtime. I was going to say I don't like the hyping of Sabu as a big star on the brand, but I suppose without ECW on SciFi he hasn't had much exposure after ONS so it works to hype up his debut. Mark Henry sounds a lot more well rounded on the stick than he perhaps should, but I do like his involvment in the ME. I enjoy when people actually try to use "shitty" stars rather than bringing in the usual suspects. Didn't like the double fake DQ finish, but I guess thats just my logical booking talking.

Vengeance was really good. Angle refusing to tap was great as it adds a lot to his Extreme Machine persona, but Orton style looked strong with his ruthless prickness. I like the Haas-Lillian partnership as it gives him something more to play off. His promo was horrible though. The whole DX-McMahon thing is awesome. The promos are really good and it's just really a throw back to the better times past. I understand the Sandman thing, but I'm not sure I like it just yet. I know Sandman is very much on his own, but I doubt he would respect Cena just yet. Who is the guy under the mask? DUN DUN DUN. The DX stuff on the Raw after was brilliant, I loved it. Again, a brilliant throw back, DX outsmarting Vince once again. Awesome.

Mark Henry enjoys spitting a bit too much for my liking. Too much Miz on SD, get him off tv. I like the round up of Booker and Lashley, and really liked Booker's comment about royalty not fighting in cages. I really hope the Punjabi Prison match is a wooden cage match with barbwire on the top. That would be immense.

That's all for now. Anyone else going to read this thing or do I have to click refresh another 200 times to get the views up?

Great start, keep it up!

I always enjoy the TGC style recap backstory because it always gives an idea of where you're going to go with things. It's interesting how you have just discarded the ECW brand. As I said to you I don't like you obviously alluding to the guy in the helmet as Edge especially after you made the choice not to have him revealed at ONS, but I'm sure you have some plans. The promos were really good as I'd expect, especially the build up to the big D-X reunion, much better done than the WWE did it. It was almost like a throwback to the Attitude era the way everything was put into practise. You've taken the obvious shortcomings of the WWE booking and given them more shelflife. I can see the Umaga/Kamala thing being another one of your zaney angles, ala Boogeyman/Goldust etc etc.

I look forward to how things pan out and hopefully there's some Great Khali on JHS' SD

I'm afraid I can't concur with the statements above. The backstory is an interesting idea and one I haven't heard of before. The idea mafia dealings of 'we'll get them, don't ask questions' is very intreguing and it would be pretty cool if you revealed what happened in a flashback style very slowly, as it adds to the story. Backstories are obviously a means to an end and the real talent is coming up with an idea that has yet to be used, which I think you have done.

However that doesn't mean I particularly liked it. Of course the grammar and the writing itself was good, as you would expect from someone of your standard. The small town booker thing is fine, everyone has to start somewhere, good bit of humour in the backstory up until meeting with the fist but then for me it starts to fall apart a little. Firstly, would you really react so calmly if you were abducted? I know your man is supposed to be one of the coolest cats around, but surely if two heavies had hit him and put him in a car he'd be a little more startled? Then the character of Old School Eddie. Nice idea for the character, I liked the stuff about the 'classic' moniker, but he comes off as quite smarky for an 80 year old fan and you don't really apply the accent either. The other thing I didn't like was when Eddie himself started using the term old school after making a big deal out of not liking the term. Again, with Sophie, I thought he came off as a little smarky for a mob employee, as did Eddie's taste in talent.

Finally, I think the idea is somewhat wasted on a present day time period. With the old school vibe given off from the backstory and the fact that Flair is the centre I feel that it may have been better suited for a decade or so ago, maybe around 1992, 1993, when the territories thing was fairly active.

That all being said it's a nice start, I like the talent you're using and I like the interesting twist in the backstory.

Quiz Results

1) Essa - 8/10

2) Typical Phenom - 6/10

3) YI - 5/10

=) jstarr2k3 - 5/10

=) TheRaySays - 5/10

6) Natural Born Thrilla - 4/10

7) TAFKA Castroneves - 3/10

TAFKA Castroneves has been eliminated

I'm too lazy to do any maths, or look at the Serie B teams, so what're the chances of Juve being relegated again next season, through low points total?

The show opens with a mysterious looking female sitting behind a table in a shadowy room, dressed like a fortune teller. She sits between a pair of crystal balls and laid out in front of her is a deck of cards. She begins turning the cards over and starts to speak, softly.

“Last week retribution was received and revenge was taken. Old rivalries were revisited and new ones began.”

She turns over a card revealing a large, monster-like creature.

“Whilst all the loose ends seemed to have been tied up, there are still monsters lurking in the darkness yet to be revealed.”

She turns over a final card which depicts a fire.

“Embers are smoldering, but they have not been put out. Whether they a set ablaze again depends on the person. Can they control their control the voices within or will let their jealousy consume them?”

She puts the final card down in line with the others.

“Only time will tell.”

The camera backs away as the opening montage begins.

Week 2

The cameras pan around the excited crowd and then down to Taz and Joey Styles who run through the card. They announce that tonight will be the first appearance of John Bradshaw Layfield on ECW television and that his opponent has yet to be revealed, but Styles informs us that it’s been chosen by RVD himself. They also announce that Psicosis will challenge Guido for his Cruiserweight title tonight and that Michael Cole will apparently grace the ring tonight, but Taz is quick to point out that he hasn’t arrived yet.

The first in ring action of the night is the appearance of Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk coming down to ringside, led by Beulah. They’re clearly slightly wounded from their brutal encounter last week, but their smiles show they’re enjoying being back in front of the ECW faithful. Dreamer gets on the stick.

DREAMER – “Thank you all. It’s great to be home.”

An ECDub chant starts up, as you would expect.

“And I’ll tell you this, there ain’t nothing that compares to coming back to New York and standing in this ring in front of all you people, the most rabid, hardcore wrestling fans in the whole damn world!”

The crowd appreciates Dreamer’s, err, kind words, and welcomes the home town boy back to NYC.

“Last week Terry Funk and I finally got our revenge on Edge and Mick Foley. We showed them what ECW really means. It’s not about fancy production values, pay per views or wacky gimmicks; it’s about beating the living crap out of each other for the honour and respect of you, the ECW fans. We fought for you, the fans, because, like Paul said last week, you are ECW, and with that behind us we knew we could never lose…even when that skank tried to get in her way, but we showed her, didn’t we, honey?”

Dreamer turns to Beulah and blows a kiss, as she takes her plaudits and curtsies, giving those standing behind a nice flash of her underwear.

“That’s more like it. Anyway, that’s enough ass for now, we need to get on with the show.”

The fans boo causing Dreamer to crack a wry smile.

“Ok, ok, maybe later. Anyway, after myself and the true hardcore legend Terry Funk destroyed those two pretenders last week I got thinking about the whole thing, and I remembered something that they had said a month or so back on some shit show on Monday nights. Hmm, what was it called? Any ideas what that is, Terry? Nah, me neither. Anyway, I somehow dug out some footage of it. Roll the tape.”

On screen appears Mick Foley and Edge in a Raw ring and the clip shows Foley declaring him and Edge as joint Hardcore champions.

“Now since we beat…destroyed them last week, I guess that makes us the REAL Hardcore champions, the most extreme tag team in wrestling today.”

Dreamer’s mocking of his foes is cut short by the appearance of ‘Dastardly’ Danny Doring and Roadkill on the stage.

DORING – “You think you’re the most extreme tag team in wrestling? Well Tommy, you’re wrong. See Tommy, I’m not sure how much you remember about ECW seeing as you were so quick to sell out and jump to WWE, but myself and my man Roadkill never lost the ECW Tag Team titles, and I think you’ll find that makes us the real champions here.”

Dreamer pauses after Doring finishes, looking around almost rolling his eyes, then begins his rebuttal.

DREAMER – “You know what Danny, you’re right. Clearly you two are the best tag team here in ECW and the ‘true’ champions. But there’s one thing I always wanted to ask you – when you were fucking Roadkill how did you manage get your stumpy little arm round that fat gut of his to give him the reach around?”

Doring’s look of smugness quickly drops and he stares at Dreamer for a second, before the two charge down to the ring for a good old fashioned brawl. As the officials try to break the five up we go to the first commercial.

Rating:

-Commercial Break-

We return from the break with the ring melay free and just Johnny Swinger and John Finnegan standing between the ropes. Swinger jumps from side to side on his two, waiting the arrival of the man he challenged, the ‘Wrestling Machine’ Kurt Angle. He doesn’t have to wait long as the trumpets sounded and ECW’s only Olympic champion made his way down the ramp, towel draped over his head. He slid under the bottom rope, removed his veil and waited for the starter’s orders.

Ding, ding.

Angle went straight to work, diving at Swinger’s ankles. Soon Swinger ended up with his face against the canvas, scrambling for the ropes. This time Angle let him live, as he scrambled up the ropes, startled by Angle’s speed. Angle stood back, ready to pounce, his ear to ear grin revealing his gum shield with the word ‘MACHINE’ written across it. Swinger locked up again, but found himself driven to the mat with a fireman’s takeover, and with no release or moment of thought Angle applied the armbar. As his opponent tried to inch his way to the ropes, Angle smiled more, then like lightning got to his feet, pulled Swinger in and applied a choke hold, forcing his victim to tap out.

Winner: Kurt Angle

Rating:

An extreme replay is shown as Tazz and Styles point out how machine-like Angle was as he defeated Swinger. Tazz calls him a ‘wrestling machine’, but their banter is interrupted by some unfamiliar music. Through the curtain steps the sultry Melina, followed in tow by her man, Johnny Nitro. The vixen prances down the ramp, blowing kisses to the crowd and flaunting her assets with the odd cheeky flash which gets the pulses of the fans racing. Nitro smugly struts behind her, letting everyone know that she is ‘his woman’. She enters the ring with her trademark split legged move with Nitro blocking the cameras behind her. They both entered the ring and Nitro was handed a mic.

NITRO – “If I could have your attention please, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you the diva too hot for Smackdown…the vixen too extreme for Raw…your Queen…MELINA!”

Nitro claps as Melina jumps to the front of the ring, curtsying and blowing kisses to her ‘public’. She’s met with a mixed reaction but she ignores it and waves the microphone around like a septor.

MELINA – “Thank you, thank you. It’s great to be out here once again in front of my loyal subjects. It seems like an eternity since you were all treated to a look at the real femme fatale of ECW. I must apologise for the…interruption I had at One Night Stand. It seems that someone has some jealousy issues to deal with…and to be honest, who can blame her? I mean if I saw someone out here looking like I do I’d be jealous too.”

Melina pauses and turns to Johnny Nitro who claps approvingly before she continues.

“And that is the very reason I’m out here tonight. You see I care about my people. When I look out into this audience I see thousands of men looking at me longingly, wishing they could ever get close to a girl like me. Well I’m sorry boys, but you can’t. The truth is none of you are worthy of someone as hot…as sexy…as beautiful as myself...but as your Queen I will show pity on you and let you dream for a moment.”

Melina begins to twirl, giving them a gander at the goods as Nitro applauds again. Melina seems to be about to give her final address when the PA system cranks up and everyone’s eyes turn to the curtain. There is some quiet anticipation as everyone expects Francine arrive, but their seems to be some confusion when a young blonde bombshell makes her way down the aisle. She walks around the ring, takes a microphone from the ring announcer and enters the squared circle under the bottom rope.

BLONDE – “Hi everyone, my name is Kelly and I’m an exhibitionist. I wasn’t due to come out until later but I just couldn’t wait to get out her and take all my clothes off for you fans. Some girls might be too much of a prude *she glances at Melina* to come out her and give you what you want to see, but I’m not.”

Some more music hits again and Kelly begins to unbutton her top, much to the disgust of Melina and Nitro. She spins around and throws her shirt at Nitro, which draws a quick smile from him, but Melina’s scowl quickly ends that and they both attack Kelly. Melina knocks her down with a clothesline then they both start stomping her, before officials come down to break it up. Melina leaves the ring, cackling, yelling that’s there’s only room for one vixen on this show. Kelly is helped to the back, cheered by the crowd.

Rating:

A WWE ‘Don’t Try This At Home’ message airs before Joey Styles announces that Michael Cole has arrived at the arena and is making his way out to ringside as we speak. Just as Styles finishes his sentence an instrumental version of Slick’s old theme music ‘Jive Soul Bro’ begins playing. Michael Cole walks onto the stage, arms held out, sarcastically welcoming the jeers he receives. He looks dapper in his cream suit, white loafers and jet black shades, strutting down the ramp like he were the second coming of the Fonz. As he passes one of the cameras he announces that ‘Michael Cole has arrived, baby’, before climbing the stairs, wiping his feet on the apron and entering the ring. Stick time.

COLE – “Come on Tazz, get in here, I thought you’d be happy to see me.”

Tazz slowly gets out of his chair and enters the ring, snarling at the teeth.

“What Tazz, no hug? I thought we were boys? What about a shake then?”

Cole extends his hand, but Tazz just stares at him.

“Woah, it’s certainly a lot colder in ECW, isn’t it? *chuckles*”

Tazz gets frustrated with Cole’s jibes and responds.

TAZZ – “Look Cole, what do you want? We’re trying to run a real wrestling show here, we haven’t got time for any of your WWE crap.”

COLE – “Calm down there, buddy, I was just trying to be polite. I guess ECW doesn’t stand for Extremely Courteous Wrestlers. Anyway, I’m here tonight because I want to apologise. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these past two weeks and I’ve decided what I did wasn’t very nice. You know what I’m talking about, right Tazz? Well just incase you forgot lets roll the tape, shall we?”

The production crew rolls the footage of Cole kicking Tazz in the head as he goes to leave the ring at One Night Stand. It then shows him help Jerry Lawler piledrive Tazz. It shows this from various angles and at various speeds. Tazz does not seem to enjoy this.

“That refresh your memory? Oh I can see it did, your head is starting to turn into a giant Beet again. Anyway Tazz I wanted to come out here and tell you I’m sorry for what happened. I don’t know what came over me. I guess I just took what you said to me a little too literally. So I’m out here to ask for your forgiveness and hopefully earn your respect.”

Tazz seems unmoved by Cole’s sentiments, but this doesn’t stop Big Daddy MC.

“Come on guys, don’t you think Tazz should forgive me?”

The crowd lets out a mass of boos and a chant of ‘fuck him up Tazz, fuck him up’ begins.

“Ok, I’m not feeling much love here tonight. How about this Tazz, I’ll sweeten the deal for you. Since I cheap-shotted you at One Night Stand you can have a free shot at me tonight. Come on Tazz, lay one on me, right on the chops, I deserve it.”

Cole sticks his chin out, offering it to Tazz, but he seems very reluctant to take the offer. It looks as if Tazz is going to take his revenge as his right arm flinches.

“Woah, hold on a second, let me take my glasses off, don’t want to ruin these bad boys, they cost me a lot of green. Alright Tazz, I’m ready for it, let me have it.”

Cole pokes his chin out again, bracing himself for the hit. Again Tazz’s arm flinches but Cole backs away quickly.

“Oh yeah Tazz, one last thing.”

“Turn around.”

Tazz turns around straight into the boot of Gene Snitsky who had snuck into the ring through the crowd. Snitsky throws his arms up, showing his aggression. He picks up a prone Tazz and whips him into the ropes, then as he comes back lifts him high, swing him in mid air and plants him with a big slam. Michael Cole just stands back and cackles. They leave through the crowd, escorted by security, as Tazz is left on the canvas, knocked out.

Rating:

-Commercial Break-

We come back and it’s now time for the Cruiserweight title match. Joey Styles announces that Tazz has received a concussion as a result of the heinous attack by Gene Snitsky and will not be joining him for the remainder of the show. The challenger Psicosis is the first man out for the title match, receiving a lot more cheers than he did when he was on Smackdown. The same can be said for the champion, Guido Maritato, who seems a lot more at home with his cult following in ECW. As you would expect the match began with a cagey opening, due to the fact the both men are very familiar with each other. Lots of armdrags and reversals in the early stages, neither competitor wanting to give up the early momentum. The crowd clearly enjoyed the ECW style encounter, giving them a round of applause after every exchange. Soon Psicosis had the advantage after Guido missed the Sicilian Slice from the second rope. Psicosis went to work on the neck of Guido, looking to set him up for the Guillotine legdrop later. With Guido lying prone on the mat after a Splash Mountain from the top rope, Gregory Helms made his way down to ringside. John Finnegan checked on Guido as he lay in the middle of the ring, as Helms pushed Psicosis from the top rope. A single arm swinging DDT by Guido and it was all over. Helms walked back up the ramp muttering about it being ‘his title’.

Winner: Nunzio (V1 Defense)

Rating:

After an advert for ECW live! and feed comes back to the arena and JBL makes his way down to the ring. He is greeted by his now customary garbage confetti, but it’s ignored as the self proclaimed ‘Wrestling God’ has his eyes firmly focused on the squared circle. The former champ is due to face an opponent of RVD’s choosing tonight. He snatches the microphone from the ring announcer and orders him out of the ring.

JBL – “Alright then Paul, send him out here, I haven’t got all day.”

Layfield doesn’t have to wait long as the Arabian snake charmer toots and the Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal Sabu is drawn through the cloth. He points skyward then sprints down to the ring, sliding under the bottom rope only to be met with the boots of JBL. The former World champion is ruthless in his attacks, not even stopping to insult the crowd as he manhandles their hero. JBL tosses Sabu around, slamming him from corner to corner then attempting to decapitate him with lariats and big fists. JBL gets a near fall after a Fallaway slam, but allows Sabu back into the match after his frustration disrupts his concentration. JBL goes for the quick finish with the Clothesline from Hell, but Sabu ducks, springs off the opposite ropes and hits a Asai Moonsault. With the ECW faithful behind him he builds some momentum. His death defying offense gets the crowd going and the louder the cheers get the more risks Sabu takes. He leaves the ring and grabs a chair, setting up for the Double Jump Moonsault. However, this goes against him when he jumps off the top rope and feels the force of a steel chair thrown into his skull. “He was playing possum” is the cry from Styles as JBL draws boos from the crowd. JBL continues the assault, pummeling the man from Bombay, India. JBL sets up for the Clothesline from Hell once again, but he’s distracted by the appearance of his nemesis Rob Van Dam at the entrance. RVD is holding the ECW title, shining it up. JBL leans over the top rope and yells at his foe, but the verbals are cut short by Sabu flying off the chair and crashing into JBL’s back. Layfield crashes to the mat as Sabu points up high. He goes to the top rope and hits the Arabian Facebuster for the 1-2-3.

Winner: Sabu

Rating:

The show ends with Sabu and RVD celebrating on top of the ramp, with JBL picking himself up in ring, not looking best pleased.

-End Show-

---

Note: The ratings have yet to be filled because TGC is booking them in TEW and he hasn't had a computer to put them through yet. Enjoy!

Djourou has also been upgraded to number 20.

Back to the Zidane incident, my favorite part has got to be this;

"It is absolutely not true," he was quoted as saying by an Italian news agency. "I did not call him a terrorist. I'm ignorant. I don't even know what the word means. The whole world saw what happened on live TV."

Yes, you are obviously fully innocent, and Zidane head-butted you in the World Cup final because you were there. Please. Anyone who's played any sort of competitive team sport knows that something was said. Don't play like you're a golden-boy.

Star Wars (the classic trilogy)

That is a massive swerve.

Star Wars (the classic trilogy)

I think the first was a penalty. Materazzi clipped his leg and he went over. He made it look a little dramatic, yes, but there was contact. The other was more of a penalty but the ref had a worse view of it. But hey, that's football.

EDIT - Theories:

http://mondoweiss.observer.com/2006/07/the...-to-zidane.html

Apparently the new theory is that Materazzi said something about Zidane's mother. My mate told me that someone on another board reckons after pinching his nipple Materazzi said words to the effect of 'your mother likes it like that'.

In other news about it:

The father of Marco Materazzi believed his son was the real victim in the incident.

"I spoke to my son briefly after the game," said Giuseppe Materazzi.

"Marco had told me he had been provoked. It's as though they have something against him each time.

"In the past two years, Marco has only been on the receiving end and the injuries he has sustained are proof of this.

"I don't want to be controversial, but there are things that have to be said instead of just pointing the finger and putting a black mark against someone."

He won the Golden Ball because of pity vote I believe. It was his last game, last tournament, etc.

Apparently The Guardian reckons he called Zidane a terrorist or something to that effect.

Bwahahaha, that was a brilliant headbutt. Sure, you could call Zidane a prick for costing his team the win, but let's face it, the World Cup is already a joke. If I was going to retire from international football, might as well send a message to FIFA while I'm at it.

How exactly is it a joke?

Anyone care to venture a guess at the headlines tomorrow? I'm going to go for 'Zinsane'.

If it was someone like Gattuso who did it, we'd be seeing 'OMG THE BASTARD SHOULD BE BANNED FOR THE NEXT FIFTY MATCHES THAT DIRTY CHEATING CUNT'.

People praising the headbutt are idiots. That has no place in any sport.

I hate how Johnny talks like he's some Italian who's been waiting for his homeland to return to glory since '82.

Shut up fanny balls, you've beaten no one impressive for years.

Germany got the Czechs for example. France got Italy. A lot of better teams than England have been placed in groups WITH better teams than England. You're main threats are Israel, Russia and Croatia. OH NOES.

Technically speaking, Scotland went out of the World Cup to the eventual winners, and we drew with Italy the last time we played them (1-1 at Hampden) so that makes us co-world champions, right?

Of course. We also have France and Italy in our Euro2008 Qualifying Group. TIME TO WHIP ASS.

Why do England ALWAYS get piss-easy groups? It's ridiculous.

Anyone care to venture a guess at the headlines tomorrow? I'm going to go for 'Zinsane'.

VIVA LA BOLOGNESE!

Thats just won me a lovely £150.

And what I can't believe, is that people are actually lynching Italy for what seems to be the singular penalty against Aussie, which yes, was a clear dive, but I haven't seen any other instances brought up? At all?

They've been diving a lot of the tournament, thats just the most obvious time they did it. It hasn't just been Italy to be fair, but they've used "gamesmanship" to their advantage a lot.

Football has just degenerated, sadly. Every nation is guilty of it. Players don't try to win the ball anymore, they try to run into the man and get a free kick. Players aren't concerned with beating a man in the area and scoring a goal, they just want the penalties.