lafunky xxvii

VIVA LA BOLOGNESE!

Thats just won me a lovely £150.

And what I can't believe, is that people are actually lynching Italy for what seems to be the singular penalty against Aussie, which yes, was a clear dive, but I haven't seen any other instances brought up? At all?

They've been diving a lot of the tournament, thats just the most obvious time they did it. It hasn't just been Italy to be fair, but they've used "gamesmanship" to their advantage a lot.

I think they'll bottle it. They won't want the league to go to shit so they'll let them off the hook with a £1,000 fine. If you've got the power to fix that many fixtures I'm sure they can put a little pressure on the trial.

I've got tickets to Spurs/Inter. That's all I have to look forward to

My Spurs fan mate is going to that game and invited me...you're not my friend are you?

I've got tickets to Spurs/Inter. That's all I have to look forward to

Its not that easy when you get relegated, you sort of have to sell.

And larger, and thrown at 90 MPH sometimes.

Fastest Baseball Pitch Ever - 100.9 mph

Fastest Cricket Bowl - 100.4mph

And larger, and thrown at 90 MPH sometimes.

"WELCOME TO E-C-W!"

The crowd erupts and Joey Styles introduces the show, beaming out live for the very first time on the Sci-Fi channel. A ‘Joey’ chant breaks out and the voice of ECW takes in the adulation before continuing with the show.

STYLES – “Oh, it’s good to be back! Fans, welcome back to ECW. Just a quick warning for all of you – this is not Monday or Friday programming, this is not sports entertainment, you will not see male cheerleaders, cross dressing Italians and best of all definitely no Vince McMahon ass kissing. This is Extreme Championship Wrestling, the home of the most violent, innovative, hardcore wrestling action on the planet…and now ladies and gentlemen, please joins me in welcoming the Godfather of Extreme to the ring…Paul Heyman.”

Heyman comes through the curtain, dressed as you would expect, cap holding back his slicked hair, backstage pass draped around his neck. He is greeted with the customary ‘ECW’ chants as he enters the ring, carrying with him a black velvet bag.

HEYMAN – “Thank you. Honestly, thank you. I want to thank ever single fan in this arena and every person sitting watching this at home, because you are the reason we are back. You showed Vince McMahon that you didn’t want silicone-enhanced bimbos or oddities who couldn’t wrestle their way out of a paper bag on your television sets, you wanted you the REAL f’n deal. You made this happen, not me, not Joey, not the boys in the back, you did it. The truth is we would be nothing without you fans, you rabid, blood-lusting individuals, you make ECW what it is. You are the single greatest fans in the world, and I thank you for it."

There is a brief pause in Heyman’s speech as the crowd applauds.

“Sadly I am not just out here tonight to welcome you to the new era of extreme, no, unfortunately there are more sinister issues for me to address. Last Sunday at One Night Stand was supposed to be a celebration of our rebirth, but Vince and his WWE boys didn’t seem too happy with that. God forbid that the WWE World title be round the waist of Rob Van Dam, an ECW Superstar. God forbid that after finally earning his chance, breaking through the glass ceiling, that Rob Van Dam would, gasp, win Vince’s precious World title. They were never going to let it be a fair fight. They came into our house and they broke our rules. See here in ECW we don’t really have “rules” or “regulations”, but one thing we do believe in is fighting with honour. When you step between these ropes and into the ECW ring you fight mano o mano, anything goes, one man comes out on top. Last Sunday when Edge, Mick Foley and that dime store skank Lita came out and robbed RVD of the WWE World title they crossed the line; it was the ultimate show of disrespect towards ECW. Those actions will not go unpunished. Foley, Edge, at One Night Stand you may have walked away with the tainted victory, but tonight you will not be so lucky. On Sunday you got beaten to hell and back. You ran from that match with your bodies battered, bruised and bloody, but tonight you will walk away with much more than flesh wounds, because tonight you will face Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk again, but this time it will be inside a Steel Cage…and I guarantee that whether you leave with the win or not you will leave behind a part of your soul.”

“Now onto more pressing matters – the ECW World Title. *Heyman opens his black velvet bag and reveals the contents* I was hoping that this evening would mark the glorious coronation of the first double crown champion in ECW history, but sadly that was not to be. However we will not let the sports entertainment cretins ruin our night, so without further ado please join me in welcoming to the ring the NEW ECW World Champion, Mr Tuesday Night, ROB VAN DAM!”

The crowd explodes with RVD chants as their chosen king makes his way to ringside, stopping only to deliver his trademark taunt. Van Dam jumps into the ring and takes the belt, then the mic.

RVD – “Thank you. Honestly Paul, this is a great honour. You know how much ECW means to me and how long I’ve busted my ass for that belt. But…”

Van Dam is interrupted mid sentence by an unfamiliar theme to ECW fans. However it’s soon drowned out by the jeers and boos of the 7,000 fans in attendance, with JBL making his very first appearance as an ECW employee. He is pelted by trash but he is focused solely on the ring and the ECW World title belt.

JBL – “Now wait just a darn minute. You’re giving HIM the title. What the hell has he ever done? Glass ceiling my ass. You know why you got held back, Rob? It’s not because the powers that be are holding you back, it’s because you’re a lazy, good for nothing, pothead. Whilst you were busy ‘blazing up’ real athletes like me were in the gym, working. You’re a false idol, Rob, the Pied Piper leading his army of rats. These people treat you like some sort of hero because you were part of some company nobody ever cared about. I’m a real hero. I’m worked hard to get where I am today, not like you, you bone idle stoner. I’m somebody the people of this country should admire, a true champion, a man of the people. I’m what people aspire to be, you’re what every father hopes his son will never become. What has he ever done, Paul? Why are you giving him the World title? I’m a former World champion damn it, you should give me that belt. I’m a respectable champion, someone who can lead a company. Him? He’s just a bum.”

Heyman and JBL go nose to nose in a shouting match, which gives RVD chance to snatch the mic back.

RVD – “John…John…if you had just let me finish. What I was ABOUT to say was that even though I’ve busted my ass for this belt I don’t want to cheat the fans by just accepting the title, I want to earn it. So sorry Paul, but I can’t accept this belt.”

RVD hands the belt back to Heyman.

JBL – “Yeah that’s right, Rob, you don’t deserve. Now Heyman, give me MY belt.”

Layfield goes to snatch the belt from Heyman, but he pulls away.

HEYMAN – “Hold on a second there JBL. You think I’m going to give YOU the ECW World title *laughs*. You think you’re extreme because you won one match? You’re not getting anywhere near this title for a long, long time. You’re at the bottom of the ladder, boy, back to square one. You may be a big shot bully in WWE but here you’re nothing. You’re going to have to start paying your dues again…Justin Hawk. Rob, I admire your integrity. You don’t want cheat the fans and neither do I, so I’ll let you challenge…”

An obviously angry JBL hits the microphone from Heyman’s hand and pushes him back.

JBL – “If you don’t want to cheat the fans you should give them a chance to have a real world champion, but you won’t because you’re afraid. You’re afraid that someone with a bit of class and actual wrestling ability will come on your show and embarrass you. ECW was a garbage promotion full of idiots who would rather set themselves on fire then wrestle an actual match, and you’re scared that your brainwashed moronic fans will finally realize that when JBL is their champion. You know what Paul, I know you won’t give me a shot at the title because you’ve not got the balls. Admit it, Paul, you’re terrified that I will come on your show, beat your ‘superstar’ and bring some real pedigree to your title.”

Heyman is about to start his rebuttal when RVD steps in front of him.

RVD – “You like to talk, don’t you John? There’s nothing more big, bad JBL likes than the sound of his own voice. Well John I may be a “slacker” or a “pothead”, but when I talk the talk I back it up. So Paul, if you’ll allow it I’d like to give JBL his chance. You and me with the ECW World title on the line. And there won’t be any cheap shots this time, oh yeah, I haven’t forgotten about Sunday, John – we’ll stand face to face in this very ring and I’ll show you why all these people love *thumbs* Rob Van Dam.”

There’s a brief standoff in the ring, JBL snarling scowl against RVD’s smug grin as we go to the first commercial break.

Rating: A

-Commercial Break-

Axl and Balls vs Doring & Roadkill

The first in ring action of the new era of ECW on SciFi is a tag team match featuring two of the company’s most prominent teams from yesteryear. First out are the unorthodox pairing of Axl Rotten and Balls Mahoney, who make their way to ringside with a polyphonic version of their old AC/DC theme. Doring and Roadkill make their way out to ringside to a mixed reaction after their rant from One Night Stand. However, this doesn’t stop Doring stylin’ and profilin’ his way down the aisle. Sadly, despite the nostalgic value of the match it was pretty obvious both teams were ring rusty and the crowd let them know their shortcomings. Neither team had teamed together in months, which lead to several moments of miscommunication. ‘Dastardly’ Danny Doring’s guile and cunning had clearly not suffered however, as he pulled out some trademark underhanded tactics to isolate Balls. All this good work was undone after a tag to Roadkill, who didn’t seem to cope well with the pace of the match and allowed Balls to grab his second wind, and the hot tag to Axl. Rotten came in all guns blazing, leveling both men with rights and throwing Doring to the outside. Balls entered the ring, chair in hand as Axl restrained the angry Amish chicken plucker. He backed against the ropes, building momentum for his signature chair shot, but Doring grabbed his legs, sending him face first into the mat. Rotten tried to gain some revenge, but he was laid out from behind with a lariat by Roadkill. Doring ascended the turnbuckle as Rotten was slammed to the mat, the full weight of Roadkill dropped on his chest. A flying legdrop followed and gave the last ECW tag champions the win.

Winners: Doring & Roadkill

Rating: C-

As we return from the Extreme Replay the camera joins Joey Styles and Tazz behind their desk. He informs us that we’re now going to show a tape received earlier today from one Michael Cole, WWE announcer. Styles brings up last Sunday at One Night Stand and turns to Taz for his thoughts. His colleague shrugs off the questions and tells him to ‘just roll the damn tape’.

Michael Cole appears on a screen, walking along the side of a pool, bathed in sun. He struts along the pathway, open shirt swaying in the breeze, Blues Brothers shades hiding his arrogant eyes, but not his sly smile.

COLE – “Hey Tazz…how are ya, buddy? How’s your head feeling? I hope I didn’t hurt you too much…I guess my feet are a lot more educated than you thought. I suppose the question on everyone’s lips is ‘Why Michael, why?’…*chuckles*…well I’ll explain. You see I learnt a lot from you over our years broadcasting together. Honest to God, Tazz, you taught me a lot…and the biggest thing you taught me was that respect has to be taken, that no one will ever respect you if you don’t show them why they need to. The thing is Tazz you never gave me any respect, you treated me like I was second rate because I wasn’t a ‘worker’, because I wasn’t ‘extreme’. Well Tazz, I’m going to prove how extreme I am when I come to ECW next week. That’s right Tazz, I’m coming to play in your house, in front of your people – I want to meet you face to face. You may ask yourself why am I giving up all of this? *Cole opens his arms and motions to his surroundings* This L.A mansion, this beautiful weather, my six figure salary, to join you and all your sewer mutant pals in Extreme Championship Wrestling. Well I’ll tell you why – respect, and next week I will show you why you need to respect me. Ciao."

Cole walks off, cackling to himself.

STYLES – “Well folks you heard it here first, next week former WWE announcer Michael Cole will make his debut in ECW, apparently challenging our very own Tazz. Any comments on that…challenge, Tazz?”

TAZZ – “Styles, I ain’t going to say much on the matter, but what I will say is that if Michael Cole thinks he’s going to get a Stamford, Conneticut welcome when he steps into our ring next week he’s a bigger fool than I thought. I’m sure you’re watching Michael because you love the sound of your own voice, so I personally accept your challenge."

STYLES – “There we go folks, next week Michael Cole and Tazz will have a face to face confrontation in this very ring.”

TAZZ – “I bet he doesn’t even show…”

Rating – C

-Commercial Break-

Cruiserweight Number One Contendership Match

Psicosis vs Jamie Noble vs Gregory Helms

We come back from the break to find all three men in the ring, ready to start off the first triple threat match of the new ECW era. Tazz and Styles explain that this match is for Nunzio/Little Guido’s newly won Cruiseweight title. They also inform us that Gregory Helms demanded a temporary contract with ECW to reclaim his title and bring it back to Smackdown. The opening exchanges of the match were a timewarp to triple threats of past, as the threesome traded some classic lucha libre style moves. Helms took control, sending Psicosis to the floor whilst he worked away at Noble. However, a springboard dropkick soon brought Psicosis back into the fray. As the match went longer the offense got more high-risk, Noble coming close reversing a hurricanrana attempt into a Tiger Driver for a long 2 count. The former ECW man, Psicosis was again thrown over the top rope as Helms looked to isolate Noble. He thought he’d won the match after a superplex, but somehow Noble got the shoulder up. Helms was again frustrated when the fallen Noble kicked out of a rope assisted Sunset Flip. The former champ looked deep into his arsenal and picked Noble up for what looked to be a Vertebreaker, but Noble rolled out of it, but his charge off the ropes was met by a flying neckbreaker, following up by Helms’ Shining Wizard style kick. Helms staggered back against the ropes, about to fling himself on top of Noble, but he was tripped by Psicosis and pulled to the outside. Psicosis made his way back into the ring and as the now standing Noble groggily turned round his was met with a kick to the gut and a Crucifix Bomb for the 1-2-3. Helms looked disgusted after the match, robbed of a chance of a rematch for “his” title.

Winner: Psicosis

Rating: B

Joey Styles stands at the entrance way as the minstrels play their trumpets and former Olympic Gold medalist and ECW’s surprise draft pick Kurt Angle joins him on the ramp. Styles, mic in hand, goes back to his journalistic roots and asks Angle the million dollar question.

STYLES – “Kurt, the question that seems to be on everyone’s lips is, well, what are you doing here in ECW?”

ANGLE – “Why am I here? Why am I here?! I’ll tell you why I’m here. I, Kurt Angle, have conquered everything I have faced in my career. I won NCAA titles, I am a former US Freestyle champion at both junior and senior levels, I won the freaking gold medal at Atlanta ’96 and proved that I was THE BEST amateur wrestler in the world. I came to the WWE almost seven years ago to prove myself in the world of professional wrestling and since that day I have DOMINATED the competition. In my first year in the WWE I won the European, Intercontinental and Heavyweight titles as well as becoming King of the Ring. I was the most dominant force in sports entertainment, the baddest man on the planet. No one could touch me, no one could even get near me – I was on top of the world. Then things got stagnant for me. I had done everything I could in the WWE, won the highest prizes. I went on to claim more honours in my next six years, but my fire was gone. I came to the WWE preaching three I’s – intensity, integrity and intelligence, but the truth was I didn’t need them anymore - I was coasting in the WWE. Then ECW came calling. ECW, Extreme Championship Wrestling, the meanest, foulest, most violent brand on the planet. Anything goes in ECW, no holds barred, win by any means necessary, and that attitude relit the flames inside of me. I yearn for competition. I thrive of challenging myself, pushing my limits mentally and physically and where better to do that than inside an ECW ring. Last Sunday you saw the rebirth of the real Kurt Angle…Kurt Angle the wrestling machine. I am here to take apart any competition I may face. I will take on all comers…and I will destroy you. Next week will see the continuation of my open challenge. I will face anyone from anywhere, 4, 6, or 8-sided ring, human, android or freakin’ zombie, I will fight you and I will make you tap.”

Rating – A+

The image of an intense Kurt Angle is the last thing shown before we head to our final break.

-Commercial Break-

As we return the camera back away from the centre of the ring to reveal it encased in steel mesh. Senior official John Finnegan is due to take charge of the match, which will be fought under traditional ECW tornado rules according to Styles. The unholy trio of Edge, Mick Foley and Lita are first to make their way to the ring. As you would expect they receive a more than hostile reaction with trash being thrown and bad words aplenty. The mood of the arena changes dramatically as the Innovator of Violence, Tommy Dreamer and the Hardcore Legend, Terry Funk walk onto the stage. As the riff of a WWE butchered version of Man In The Box rings through the arena, Dreamer and a slightly slower Funk charge down to the ring and meet their nemesis’s on the outside.

Steel Cage Match

Edge and Mick Foley w/ Lita vs Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk

A furious fist fight takes all four men around the ring and through the crowd, with weapons shots and cheap shots coming frequently. Lita throws herself into the action, jumping on Funk’s back, but he throws her off and into a concessions stand much to the delight of the crowd. This does allow Edge to take the advantage and level Funk with a steel chair shot. Eventually all four men find their way back through the masses and into the ring so the match can officially begin. Lita, having recovered from her tossing into the popcorn maker, drags herself to ringside and tries to join the fight in the cage, but soon realizes that Finnegan has padlocked the door shut, insuring that it will be fair contest this time around. Edge and Foley take out Funk early with a double team rocketlauncher into the cage on Funk. These leaves Dreamer to fight both men, but his resistance is limited against the ruthless attacks of the ‘real’ hardcore legends. Lita attempts to assist her side by throwing a chair over the cage to her man, as Foley is mounted atop Dreamer, raining down punches. Dreamer and Funk both takes massive shots to the head, busting them open. Edge barks some instructions to Lita as Foley continues to assault Funk, grinding his head against the cage. Dreamer starts a brief comeback, cheered on by the crowd, but it’s thwarted quickly by Edge and a vicious Implant DDT. As Edge taunts the crowd, Lita emerges from under the ring with a toolbox, pulling from it some bolt cutters. She cuts the chain and the door swings open, allowing Edge to escape and pull his own toys from under the ring – barbwire and thumbtacks. Lita yells encouragement from the apron as Foley wraps the barbwire around the chair and Edge arranges the tacks on the mat. There’s some commotion in the crowd behind Lita and someone jumps the guardrail. It’s Beulah! She grabs Lita by the hair and slams her into the cage. She’s up quick as a cat as Foley and Edge are lining up Piledrivers on their respective weapons of choice. Beulah jumps on the apron, distracting them, which allows Dreamer and Funk to draw their second wind and backdrop their opponents. The fightback is on, cheered by Beulah and the partisan ECW crowd Dreamer and Funk lay into their foes. Both men are soon given crimson masks and looking very vulnerable. Dreamer goes for the Dreamer Driver on Edge, but Lita jumps into the ring and tries to save her man. She’s cut off by a flying Beulah, who dives at her, spearing Lita down to the mat. The two roll around on the mat, narrowly avoiding the tacks, as Styles calls CCCAATTTFFFIIGGHHT. Beulah gets the better of the exchange and, aided by Dreamer, pulls her up in the centre of the ring. Funk, Dreamer and Beulah all stand tall in the middle of the ring, their enemies each in a headlock. Dreamer gives out the battle cry of ‘E-C-W’ and all three take a DDT. Dreamer covers Foley and gets the loudest 3 count you will ever hear with all the arena joining in.

Winners: Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk

Rating: A

The show goes of the air with Beulah, Funk and Dreamer standing in the middle of the ring, arms aloft.

ECW is back.

-End Show-

Overall Rating: B-

SciFi Rating: 1,071,842 viewers

TSN Rating: 119,131 viewers

Couple of notes: Apologies about any spelling mistakes. I've spent the last 3 hours finishing everything off and I didn't fancy reading it all over. Also, the show was booked before the thread was made so it's not reaction booking .

Jason Toms? What sort of stupid name is that?

Does anyone have a link to the thing that makes the German team real and playable? Is it save game compatable?

She has a jaw like the date-raped twins from Hollyoaks, which makes me want to punch her in the face.

The worst thing about the regen photos is that not one of them actually looks like a footballer, in any way, shape or form. They're all pretty much the exact opposite of what you'd expect a professional footballer to look like.

WAKING UP AT TWELVE IN MY CLOTHES AGAIN

FEEL MY HEAD EXPLODE FROM A NIGHT OF GIN

Pete's impression WAS great.

Nikki's self-esteem appears to be in NEGATIVE numbers.

Anyone fancy having a little World Cup related competition? I had an idea a while back about doing an international game and trying to win the World Cup with a team from every continent. It would be sort of like being Guus Hiddink.

Basically, you start out with a team of your choice from one of the 5 areas (North America, South America, Africa, Europe or Asia/Oceana) and qualify/compete in the World Cup. The idea is to do as best as you can with that team, then before the next World Cup you take over as manager of a country from another continent, etc.

Scoring would go like this:

Non-qualify - 0 points

Group Stage - 1 point

Knockout - 2 points

QF - 3 points

SF - 4 points

Runner-up - 5 points

Winner - 10 points

You then multiply this by the teams ranking when you took them over to get your complete score. The player with the best performance over 5 World Cups wins.

Anyone up for it?

So, how many of you passed through Loughborough train station? I'll bet one of you bastards was part of the army that made me actually do genuine 'work' rather than reading for four hours.

What was brilliant about the 'random drawing' for the BB golden ticket winner was that they had a feature in the Daily Star today about the ticket holders, and the person with the most prominent picture and most focus was on the woman who was proud of her boob job. All the other winners were random 30-50 year olds, nothing about them, all John Tickle in disguise. Random draw time, drumroll please, the woman that fits the BB7 stereotype the most is randomly drawn in.

I was shocked.

Glynn is genius. When he was cooking that pasta and it was boiling over and Imogen tried to tell him.

"It's supposed to be like that."

Whatta ledge.

Bwahaha, we just got raped. I am afraid all of you are incorrect, this is the perfect ECW diary. Thanks for your words of advice though and concern and keep reading (Y)

EDIT - Just one quick comment. I don't normally like responding to criticisms, because I do appreciate them greatly and enjoy it when I get ripped to shreds, but Bob Roberts, the thing about the belt to the face doesn't quite sit right with me. The fact that it's an overused spot shouldn't make any difference. Does this special occasion call for a special example of cheating? How about a rocket launcher to the face, would that suffice? He's a 65 year old man, bloodied, battered and bruised. His bones are practically made of chalk and to be honest I'm starting to question whether or not he's being held up by strings and walked through a match by a puppeteer because his body is so shot. I think getting hit with a big, heavy chunk of metal and falling from 5 feet in the air flat on your back would be enough to kill most pensioners, let alone one who's been beaten for 15 minutes.

Come on people, you aren't supposed to like these things. They're dastardly heels. Let's get some booes and hisses out there!

One Night Stand began as you would expect with it’s mastermind, Paul Heyman coming out to the ring to a massive chorus of "ECDub" chants. He stood in the centre of the ring, the conductor, leading his rabid orchestra of ECWites in their national anthem. He tells them that ECW is back. He reassures them that what they’ve read from Dave Meltzer isn’t true and that this would not be a watered down version of Extreme Championship Wrestling, this will be the whole fucking show, violence, bloodshed and all the trimmings. He said that Vince McMahon may be signing the cheques, but he doesn’t control ECW. No one controls ECW – it’s a living, breathing beast that cannot be tamed.

He told the crowd that ECW was back and in full force, and tonight we would get the first glimpse. Tonight we would see the new ECW World champion crowned, Mr. Pay Per View, Rob Van Dam. The two men that characterised ECW’s plight, the hardcore legend Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer would defend the honour of their people against the pretenders, a former face of the company, a Judas, a whore for Vince McMahon, Mick Foley and the Rated R Superstar, Edge. Heyman promised that their match later would definitely not be suitable for children and those of a nervous disposition and that Funk and Dreamer would show Edge a new level of brutality, something you could’ve only experienced on the corner of Swanson and Richter a decade ago. The man ECW brought to America, Rey Mysterio, would show his thanks to ECW by competing against one of it’s most unpredictable superstars, the Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal, Sabu for the WWE Heavyweight title. And finally Tracy Smothers would get his hands on the lowest, most despicable, sewer rat to ever be allowed inside an ECW ring, JBL, the man who one year ago cheapshotted the Blue Meanie. Heyman promised that this year his could not exhibit the same cowardice he did twelve months ago. As Heyman left the ring to signal the beginning of the festivities, the Hammerstein Ballroom again erupted with a signal of gratitude to their Fuhrer, their Kaiser, their God on Earth, Paul Heyman, and the letters E-C-W rang through the halls once again.

The first match of the night was for Nunzio's, now going by his old moniker of Guido, newly won WWE Cruiserweight title. He faced off against former foes Kid Kash and Super Crazy in a three way dance. However, before the bell could ring a chiming of a different kind sounded through the arena and Yoshihiro Tajiri made his way down to the ring. Tajiri manhandled his former comrades with his buzzsaw kicks and then a backspring elbow that took out all three men, but his dominance was soon ended by a Guido low blow. Tajiri looked like he was going to mark his return to America with a win, but as he released Super Crazy from the Tarantula, Guido grabbed the tights and rolled him up for the 3 count and a successful first defence.

Next up came JBL’s baptism of fire in ECW. He came out to the ring and was booed, heckled and pelted with garbage by the ECW faithful. Then out came their prodigal son, the man who was about to take out the trash, Tracy Smothers, the veteran dancing down the aisle. As you would expect, JBL used all the dirty tricks in the book and many a closed fist was thrown. Eventually the former champion was able to hit his Clothesline From Hell and pin the ECW Alum, earning himself a job. He didn’t walked away unscathed however, his face bloodied, with a distinct shade of black and blue to it.

Another of ECW’s past foes stepped into it’s sacred ropes next. Jerry Lawler came out to much the same reaction he’d received around 9 years ago, and proceeded to run the company down like only Jerry knew how. His wit-filled rant was interrupted by the appearance of Tazz, the Human Suplex Machine in his first ECW in-ring appearance in almost six years. He may have not been in as good shape as he was when he terrorized ECW rings, but he could still do the business as Lawler found out. Victory in under two minutes, via tap out, a traditional result on the scorecard. Tazz celebrated with the fans and even Michael Cole, his former broadcast partner, joined the party with him inside the squared circle. Cole held the ropes open for Tazz to leave the ring, but as he did Cole gave him a swift kick to the head. Lawler and Cole double teamed Tazz, stomping a mudhole in him, then, as Lawler prepared for the Piledriver, Cole grabbed the mic. He told Tazz that he was tired of him talking down to him like he was inferior, he was tired of hearing all the shit about ECW and how much of a tough guy Tazz was. He told Tazz it was time for him to get the respect he deserved, because he was Michael fucking Cole, not some washed up cripple like Tazz. Finally, before Lawler could drive his skull into the mat Cole asked Tazz one final thing – “Hey Tazz…who’s the rocketbustah now?”

After Cole had escaped the clutches of the incensed crowd, Kurt Angle made his way out to ringside to face the returning Randy Orton. The match didn’t last too long as Angle was focused, fighting like a true machine. He was vicious, unrelenting and above all, very dangerous. This was a new Kurt Angle, more intense than anyone has ever seen him, a true warrior and a menace to anyone who would stand in his way in ECW. He locked in the Ankle Lock and that was all she wrote for Orton.

Following the match there was a surprise appearance from former ECW tag champions Danny Doring and Roadkill in the ring. They were angry at again being overlooked and accused Heyman of only looking after the guys who’s coattails he could ride. Their rant was ended by the lights dimming, and Enter Sandman blaring throughout Hammerstein. The fans erupted, as finally sight was caught of Sandman, beer and cane in hand, cigarette in mouth amidst the crowd. After a longtime of drinking and bashing cans into his own forehead, he jumped the guardrail and went to work like a savage, swinging for the hills and almost beheading Roadkill with a vicious cane shot. After laying out both men he saluted the fans, not a word being said, just a raising of the cane, the lighting of another cigarette, and drinking of some beer. He was back home.

Two of wrestling’s finest deathdefiers met next, as Sabu challenged Rey Mysterio. It was a match full of high flying offence and risk taking which drew a plethora of ‘oooh’s and ‘aaah’s from the crowd. Rey even busted out some of his old arsenal, possibly in an attempt to make up for his showing the previous year. The result was as expected. Sabu went for the Double Jump Moonsault, but Rey managed to kick away his chair, causing the challenger to land on the second rope, prime for the 6-1-9. After the match both men shook hands and embraced, an action well appreciated by the crowd.

Prior to the Main Events a surprise appearance was made by WWE Diva Melina and her muscle, Johnny Nitro. Melina ignored the cat calls of the fans and explained why she was here. She said that she was to hot for Smackdown, but too…extreme for Raw, and that’s why she was here. She was ready to announce herself as the new femme fatale of ECW and soon to be the Queen of the company, or the new Queen Of Extreme if you preferred. This proclamation didn’t sit well with one famous face from ECW, Francine. She told Melina that whilst she was sucking the Football Team’s dicks, Francine was proving that she was the Queen of Extreme. She told Melina that she’d run out a lot tougher bitches than her and to back off or have her head knocked off. Melina didn’t take too kindly to this and told Francine the only reason that she was allowed to play with the boys was because she had balls, and then delivered a kick to the crotch. As Melina and Nitro celebrated, blowing kisses to the crowd and posing, Francine recovered and began stalking her prey like a tiger in the jungle, leading to the inevitable CATFIGHT! Melina and Francine rolled around on the canvas, much to the crowd’s, and Nitro’s, delight until they were separated by officials. Nitro led Melina to the back, as Francine stood tall in the ring.

Now it was time for what ECW fans had come to see – bloodshed. The match was a brutal bar fight, no rules, no holds barred. The referee never even had a chance of controlling the contest as all four men almost immediately began brawling through the crowd. There were four crimson savages fighting for their lives as millions watched. This was truly what ECW was all about. Dreamer and Foley paired off and fought on the balcony as Funk and Edge returned to the ring. Dreamer mauled Foley with a cane, but his celebrations were cut short as he had a bird’s eye view of what was about to unfold in the ring. Funk had planted Edge with a DDT before ascending the turnbuckle for a moonsault. The referee was checking on his bloodied opponent as Lita jumped onto the apron. Tommy’s cry of ‘TTEEERRRRYYYY, NOOOOO!’ fell on deaf ears and the temptress blasted him between the eyes with the Hardcore title belt, allowing Edge to crawl on top for the cover and the 1-2-3. Lita helped Edge from the ring, as Foley escaped Dreamer's grasp and the WWE trio headed for the hills.

After the disappointment for the fans it was left to RVD to restore pride amongst the ECW faithful. He was the people’s champion and leader of the masses as he tried to win the biggest prize in wrestling today. Cena wasn’t going to give it up without a fight, however. They battled back and forth, throwing everything they had into the match. RVD nailed his big moves, the Rolling Thunder, Spin Kick off the Apron, Split-Legged Moonsault, but it wasn’t enough to get the three count. Cena fought back with some signatures of his own, even his STFU submission, but not even that could make RVD give in. With the crowd behind him he couldn’t lose. RVD raised it, he refused to be beaten. Cena hit big move after big move, but RVD wouldn’t stay down. He battled back with a barrage of kicks and strikes, but he went to the wheel once to often, attempting a Van Daminator Cena grabbed his foot, spun him round and picked him up for the FU! That was it. The dream was over. Then the stunned silence around the Ballroom turned to jubilation as RVD kicked out with but a split second to spare. They believed again. He was going to do it, he couldn’t fail. Cena was distraught. He nailed the FU again, and this time only got a one count. He couldn’t believe it. He tried a third time, but RVD rolled off. Cena turned around, VAN DAMINATOR! RVD wasn’t done, he wanted to make sure of the victory. He pulled Cena into the corner and pointed in the air as the sounds of the whistle blew throughout the arena and Fozzy came running down the aisle, chair in hand. As Fonzie held the chair in front of Cena's face RVD climbed out to the apron, up to the top rope, and he flew across the ring. VAN TERMINATOR! The crowd was ecstatic. Surely he had done it now. RVD again was not finished. He pulled a lifeless Cena into the middle of the ring and again pointed to the corner. The cheers soon turned into yells of horror as Edge, Mick Foley and Lita ran down to the ring. Lita went round to distract Fonzie with RVD perched on the top turnbuckle. Foley jumped onto the apron, but RVD nailed him with a Van Daminator to the jaw, much to the delight of the thousands in attendance. His celebrations were cut short when he turned around into a Spear from Edge – not only to the gut of RVD but also through the hearts of all the fans in attendance. He then rolled Cena on top. 1……2…….3.

Heartbreak.

The three evildoers remained in the ring, taunting RVD and the fans, attacking Fonzie, even assaulting John Finnegan for no reason. They picked RVD up as Foley brought out Mr. Socko, which resulted in a chorus of boos from the fans. Fuck ECW, Foley screamed as he applied the Mandible Claw and Edge speared RVD to the mat. As Foley kept the Claw on, he and Lita brought RVD to his feet as Edge prepared to spear him again. However it was not to be. Funk and Dreamer rushed to ringside, blood still flowing. They were followed by CW Anderson, Doring, Roadkill, and Al Snow. The next wave was Mamaluke, Tajiri, Psicosis, Balls and Axl. JBL oddly enough led the next wave which included Kid Kash, Crazy, and Guido. The cavalry came in wave after wave. At first Edge and Foley, with steel chairs in hand, fought them all off. They couldn't even make it a foot inside the ring before they were dropped with a stiff chair shot to the head. Soon the assembled ECW masses made it in farther and farther with the fans, solidly behind them, as Cena made it to his feet. He looked at the sides, and stood alongside Edge, Foley, and Lita, a sight to behold for sure. Then the lights went out. When they came back on Sandman and Sabu were in the ring in front of the WWE quartet, and they were now surrounded. A bloodbath ensued as ECW took it to the WWE SuperStars. Cena was caned near to death before escaping to the floor. Funk, Dreamer, and of all people JBL beat the holy hell out of Foley until he too escaped.. Francine and Beulah took turns smacking Lita around until Foley was able to pull her to safety. Finally it was Edge, alone, bloodied, hurting, and one Arabian Facebuster and Van Terminator later he too was pulled to safety as the quartet headed for the hills with the ECW Alumni in tow.

RVD remained in the ring, a look of complete and utter contempt on his face. He stood and looked at the fans as they chanted R-V-D and ECDub over and over. He had gotten to the mountain and he had failed. He pumped his thumbs as the fans cheered.

"It's not the end. It's not over. It's just the beginning, a brand new beginning, for Rob Van Dam and E-C fucking W. This Tuesday night ECW returns, full time, on the SciFi network, and holy shit are we going to surprise everyone. All the naysayers, all the haters, and everyone who said ECW couldn't survive on the big stage are about to be proven fucking wrong. ECW is back..."

But he was never able to finish. JBL, who never left ringside, entered the ring and delivered one of the hardest, baddest, stiffest Clothesline From Hells he had ever hit. RVD was down, the fans exploded, more trash hit the ring, and the final sight for ECW One Night Stand was that of John Bradshaw Layfield standing tall over the downed body of Rob Van Dam, a devious and knowing smile on his face.

The stage was truly set. It was a new beginning, and it truly began at ECW On SciFi starting in just forty eight hours.

I'll join. I'd better get a good team, like Togo or Iran.

World Cup prediction - England or Germany.

Yeah, I didn't want to point that out because it would make Keith's look worse. Nice one, NBT.

Although Aaron's does look like a better advert (even though graphically Keith's is lightyears ahead), if I was an advertising person I'd go for Keith's purely for the use of 'I'd hit it' as a slogan. Genius.

The day drew ever closer. Extreme Championship Wrestling was edging ever nearer to it’s resurrection. It wasn’t the ideal circumstances for a revival what with being funded by a one time mortal enemy and condemned to a three month probation. A deal with the devil, some may say. They were in limbo, walking a tightrope over a fiery pit – one last chance of glory, one last chance to show everyone what "Extreme" was truly all about.

Ever since the announcement of a second night of nostalgia speculation had been frantic. The dirtsheets were full of possible stories about an ECW revival: he said this, she said that, the dreams of millions of wrestling fans were treading water in a sea of if’s, could’s and maybe’s. Then finally the announcement came, a low key bulletin on the WWE website, the brand extension would have the addition of a third dimension, an extreme element brought into the equation. It’s new home, the SciFi channel. And a pause by all ECW fans. Hey, it wasn’t the Ritz, but it would do for now. As the saying goes, beggars can’t be choosers, and most of the fans had been praying and begging for this since 2001.

With One Night Stand the 2nd only a week away much of the plans had been set in place and the hype machine was in overdrive. Rob Van Dam had announced his intentions to cash in his ‘Money In The Bank’ title shot and challenge John Cena for the WWE World title, with Paul E. proclaiming that when Van Dam won the belt he would be declared the new ECW World champion. Hardcore legends were set to collide in a tag match fuelled by hatred, the mentor and protégé combo of Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer battling it out with Mick Foley and the heir to his hardcore thrown, Edge. Rey Mysterio would defend the honour of Smackdown against the Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal Sabu, whilst Tazz would face Jerry Lawler with the honour of ECW on the line. Finally, in what seemed to be the most shocking of revelations surrounding the rebirth of extreme, Kurt Angle was announced as ECW’s Smackdown draft pick – the man who threatened to sue the company if they ever associated him with ECW would step back through the doors and lead the brand from the front line. His first match as an ECW superstar would be against Randy Orton, the Legend Killer, the man who’s ankle Kurt broke, after he accepted the open challenge in emphatic style, RKOing Angle on Raw.

In the prelude to the main event stars from the WWE and ECW squared off in a live supershow on USA. However, before the show could get underway former World Champion JBL made his way out to ringside and called out Paul Heyman. He ran down ECW, calling it garbage and a waste of time and the WWE’s money. He said that the best thing that happened to wrestling was when the company went under because it was a disgrace to the sport. He called Heyman a liar and a thief, and said that he would do anything to get himself a little more cash and a little more airtime, which lead JBL to why he was out here.

He wanted a job.

At first Heyman laughed, but then JBL explained himself.

“I know you Paul E. and I know there’s nothing you like better than making a quick buck. I know that you live, breath and sleep the sewage that is ECW and that you can’t stand it when somebody runs it down and tells it like it is. You know what else I know, Paul? I know there’s nothing you’d like better than to shove everything I just said down my throat and show me what it’s like to get "extreme". Well Paul, I’m giving you that opportunity. I know there’s nothing you want to see more than JBL getting his ass kicked by ECW. I know that all your boys in the back want to get their dirty little, never was and never will be hands on a former WWE champion, so I’m going to lower myself and give them that chance. This Sunday at One Night Stand I want a match, I’ll face whoever you want, whichever drunk or crack addict you want to get back in to take me on, I’ll face them and I’ll beat them. If your guy wins you get to show everyone that JBL isn’t EXTREME enough for ECW…but if I win...when I win, I get a job.”

Heyman responded in his own unique style, spitting words filled with hate and pride and told JBL that he would get his match this Sunday and that he would be facing Tracy f’n Smothers.

The rest of the show went down like this:

-Shelton Benjamin defended his I-C title against Steven Richards in a one on one contest.

-Nunzio approached Paul Heyman about a spot on the ECW roster, telling him he was desperate to get away from Vito. Heyman apologised but informed Nunzio he had used all his draft picks already. Nunzio pleaded with Heyman and asked him if he won the Cruiserweight title in the next match whether that would change his mind. Heyman told him he would see what he could do.

-Nunzio defeated Shane Helms, Super Crazy and Johnny Nitro in a 4-way dance to win the Cruiserweight title. Before the match Nunzio attacked Jamie Noble before he could make his way to the ring and announced himself as a last minute replacement.

-Jazz pinned Diva Search winner Ashley Massaro in a one on one women’s match. After the match both girls shook hands.

-In the ECW vs WWE Battle Royal, Kurt Angle won the match for ECW, eliminating Snitsky with an Angle Slam, dropping him over the top rope. Snitsky had dominated much of the early part of the match, eliminating 8 of ECW’s entrants. The other ECW participants were Balls Mahoney, Al Snow, Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer, CW Anderson, Kid Kash, Axl Rotten, Nova, and Johnny Swinger. The other WWE entrants were Big Show, Carlito, Edge, Mark Henry, Bobby Lashley, Matt Striker, Charlie Haas, Matt Hardy, and surprise entrant Jonathon Coachman. RVD was down at ringside to support his ‘brothers’ and his distraction led to Edge being eliminated by Dreamer.

-John Cena successfully won his non-title match against Sabu after many near falls. He told RVD this Sunday it would be the same result.

-In the main event, Rey Mysterio and Rob Van Dam wrestled to a 15 minute time limit draw in their match. After the match both men shook hands and celebrated with the crowd. These celebrations were short lived after run ins by Mark Henry, JBL, and Edge left both men grounded. Soon the cavalry arrived in the form of Dreamer, Funk and the rest of the ECW locker room, who chased all three men off.

Everything was perfectly set for ECW to rise again, a phoenix from the flames, emerging from the ashes on Sunday 11th June at One Night Stand.