The Third Dukes

Here's one -- again, paraphrased. Shaquille O'Neal, when asked what would happen if Kobe Bryant attempted to go for a layup while he was playing the low post: "You see what happens when a Corvette slams into a brick wall? Well, he's the Corvette. I'm the brick wall."

I agree that what Arsenal did was amazing. Certainly will be a record hard to break. And any other year it would be the biggest sports story in the world. Unfortunately, this is not any other year, and the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series takes it. It's not just THAT they won it, though that in and of itself would make the story a contender (c'mon, it had been 86 years!); it's HOW they won it. They were down 3-0 in a best-of-seven to their hated archrival, the one team that lords it over them when they get the chance, the team everyone loves to hate, the team that won more than a third of the titles in this 86-year drought. Bad enough that no one had ever come back from 3-0 to win 4-3 in baseball before. It was the Yankees -- who loved to rub it in at every level, up to and including ownership -- that stood in their way. And yet, they accomplished what no team in baseball had done before, then steamrolled the World Series opponent in dominant fashion to win it all. Boston's ALCS comeback win was Miracle-on-Ice level historic. It was the ultimate underdog beating the ultimate favorite in ultimate comeback fashion. It was the schaudenfreude of seeing the Yankees, with baseball's most obnoxious owner and most obnoxious fanbase, have to suffer the most humiliating choke in baseball history. Then, the near-century of frustration and waiting finally ended. Sorry, Arsenal. Enjoy second place. I just can't vote for anyone else. Not this year.

Man, it's been a busy year for sports, hasn't it? I had to cut the list down to 9, and there's still a bunch of stories I could put in there that didn't quite make the cut. You have Ron Artest's meltdown, Phil Mickelson's Masters win, the Ryder Cup blowout, Iraq's soccer Olympics run, the Connecticut men and women accomplishing an unprecedented double, the Patriots winning 21 straight NFL games... just a full plate. So let's see what our EWB board thinks. I tried including headlines that the entire world would consider important, which explains the mix of sports represented. And yes, I'm well aware a lot of them are centered on Americans. I'm American. Deal. So, let's start the bidding.

132 runs on defense. 191 runs on offense. What's a bigger story, how impressive the partnership was, or how utterly crap their opposition was? I mean, seriously, you realize that they could've just stood there and watched for the first innings and still been in with a shout, with a mere 60 as a target? That's... sad!

A little mental exercise I gave myself: take the last 16 bowl games (from 12/30 - 1/4) and try to tell a wrestling fan not from America why each game is so cool. Pretend for a moment that the colleges are pro wrestlers, and this is a supercard taking place over two days. There are 8 games on 12/30 and 12/31, plus 8 more from 1/1 to 1/4. So, split it into two "nights" of action, and let's see what we get... ***NIGHT 1*** 2004's final games (12/30 to 12/31) CONTINENTAL BOWL: Boston College vs. North Carolina from Charlotte, NC Wrestling Equivalent: Hardy Boyz vs. Dudley Boyz, Royal Rumble 2000 This is a good way to open the first "day". You have two teams that are middle-of-the pack, but have an intriguing storyline (Boston College will join North Carolina's conference next year) and some very good players playing their final game. On top of this, there will be a VERY vocal UNC contingent as the game is in their backyard. A good, hot opener. EMERALD BOWL: Navy vs. New Mexico from San Francisco, CA Wrestling Equivalent: Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Stasiak, Survivor Series 1999 Navy is head-and-shoulders the better team here, and part of that is that they have a legitimate talent who will play in the pros. The comparison to Kurt may seem far-fetched -- and I never expect Navy to even play for a national title any time soon -- but I chose it due to the "traditional" feel of watching a service academy game. New Mexico is a heavy underdog. HOLIDAY BOWL: California vs. Texas Tech from San Diego, CA Wrestling Equivalent: Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair, No Mercy 2002 Now here's a fun storyline: California is 10-1, and their sole loss is against USC, who will be featured in the national title game. Because of this, many Bears fans assumed they'd get an invitation to the Rose Bowl or another high-profile matchup. Instead, the Rose Bowl invitation went to Texas, whose coach actively camapaigned for the bowl berth and who was aided by the Coaches' Poll, which vaulted Texas over California by enough votes to make the decision automatic. So now, an angry California team has to settle for a lower-level matchup against Texas Tech, which is in Texas' conference. Revenge should be sweet. SILICON VALLEY CLASSIC: Northern Illinois vs. Troy State from San Jose, CA Wrestling Equivalent: Norman Smiley vs. Prince Iaukea, StarrCade 1998 Well, they can't all be winners. MUSIC CITY BOWL: Alabama vs. Minnesota from Nashville, TN Wrestling Equivalent: DDP vs. Christian, WrestleMania X8 This game has been hastily thrown together, and the two sides seem average at this point. Alabama is a traditional power and has titles won, but in recent times has sputtered. Minnesota began looking like possible conference champions before going on a hellacious losing streak that nearly derailed their chances of qualifying for ANY bowl. Both teams are looking to save face here. SUN BOWL: Purdue vs. Arizona State from El Paso, TX Wrestling Equivalent: Test vs. Kane, No Mercy 2001 Arizona State has been a classic Bad Good Team this year -- they went 8-3, with two of their losses horrific beatings at the hands of California and USC (the other was to their big rival). Purdue is a team that seems to get good once every 4-5 years, then disappears to mediocrity. This year, they seemed to look good, but like Minnesota, they spun out and nearly wrecked the season. This will be an interesting case -- is Purdue that bad? Is ASU good? Who knows? LIBERTY BOWL: Boise State vs. Louisville from Memphis, TN Wrestling Equivalent: Ron Killings vs. Jerry Lynn, NWATNA 2002 Now *this* is legitimately the highlight of the first "day". These two teams both cracked the Top 10 despite not being from strong conferences -- and you can think of the lesser conferences much as you do NJPW Juniors or NWATNA's X Division. Both teams have sensational, high-octane offenses, and both ran the table in their conferences en route to a combined 21-1 record -- with Louisville bearing the only loss on a last-second score on the road. This isn't about who wins or loses -- well, it is, but that's not what we'll be talking about. This will be both teams' coming out party. PEACH BOWL: Miami vs. Florida from Atlanta, GA Wrestling Equivalent: Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels, Badd Blood 2004 These are two very proud organizations, both of whom have been champions. And they just plain don't like each other. The last time they met in a bowl game (the Sugar Bowl of about 5 years ago) a fight broke out in the hotel room where the teams were staying. Both of these teams expected better than this, and this will be a way for them to salvage pride. But above all, it's a grudge match. A nice way to close out Night 1. ***NIGHT 2*** Ringing in 2005 (1/1 to 1/4) COTTON BOWL: Tennessee vs. Texas A&M from Dallas, TX Wrestling Equivalent: Ted DiBiase vs. Jim Duggan, Mid-South territory 1983 Both of these teams are young, and both are GOOD -- A&M nearly knocked off Texas and Oklahoma, while Tennessee played even with Auburn for most of the SEC title game. The winner of this game will definitely be considered one of next year's title contenders, since both teams return most of their players next year. OUTBACK BOWL: Wisconsin vs. Georgia from Tampa, FL Wrestling Equivalent: Kurt Angle vs. Edge, Backlash 2002 Wisconsin was 9-0 at one point this year and seemed destined to make the Rose Bowl, but they suddenly went into a tailspin, losing two games where they were heavy favorites. Georgia, on the other hand, has played respectably all season, with their only losses coming to Tennessee and Auburn, SEC title game opponents. Both are very good, and both feel that they don't get respect. GATOR BOWL: Florida State vs. West Virginia from Jacksonville, FL Wrestling Equivalent: Bret Hart vs. Booker T, Bash at the Beach 1998 One side clearly seems to be better than the other in this one -- FSU had national title aspirations, whereas West Virginia figured they would win their conference in a walk but that was all. Needless to say, both are disappointed to be here, but it's a big bowl game -- even if one side seems to be the overwhelming favorite. Playing in the Florida Panhandle -- FSU's home turf -- is a nice bonus. CAPITAL ONE BOWL: Iowa vs. LSU from Orlando, FL Wrestling Equivalent: Verne Gagne vs. Nick Bockwinkle, AWA 1975 Both of these teams win with defenses that are strong, offenses that do just enough, and head coaches that know how to push the right buttons and get results. This is probably going to be a very old-school throwback grind out game, and as such won't be visually exciting, but will be one the purists will definitely appreciate. ROSE BOWL: Michigan vs. Texas from Pasadena, CA Wrestling Equivalent: Triple H vs. Undertaker, WrestleMania X-7 The comparison in wrestling is an easy one: these are two of the programs with the best history in college football. Both have won multiple titles, and both are among the Top 10 in total wins all-time. Both are also really good this year, too, with Michigan boasting two freshmen sensations in the backfield and Texas with a running back likely to be an NFL star. But what makes this comparison especially apt is this surprising fact: the two programs have somehow never met before, despite being national powerhouses for the past two decades or more. Throw in legions of loyal fans who will sell out the stadium -- which itself holds 100,000 -- and this will be an amazingly hot showdown. FIESTA BOWL: Utah vs. Pittsburgh from Tempe, AZ Wrestling Equivalent: AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett, NWATNA 2003 Remember the comparison I made of the lower leagues to the X Division? Well, Utah is the AJ Styles of that division: they have a high-powered enough offense that got them a modicum of respect before the season started, then ran the table and became the first "small" program to make one of the four "big-time" bowls since the current system was installed for the 1998 season. In this game, though, the pressure's all on them: Pittsburgh has little national reputation, and a Utah loss would damage not just them, but the lesser schools as a whole. SUGAR BOWL: Auburn vs. Virginia Tech from New Orleans, LA Wrestling Equivalent: Kurt Angle vs. Kane, WrestleMania X8 Auburn is really ticked. Many people feel they should be in the national title game, but here they are, "relegated" to "only" a big-time bowl. They'll be looking to take out their frustrations on an underrated Virginia Tech team that held their own with USC in the season opener and startled everyone by winning their conference in their first year in it. Both teams have very loyal fans, and both have been known to "travel well" -- so the place will be packed with partisans. Virginia Tech may surprise people, but we all anticipate a very good game. ORANGE BOWL: USC vs. Oklahoma from Miami, FL Wrestling Equivalent: Steve Austin vs. The Rock, WrestleMania X-7 Most people figured this would have been LAST year's national championship had it not been for extenuating circumstances. (Oklahoma's meltdown against Kansas State didn't help either, but I digress.) This year, the two teams started the season ranked first and second, respectively, and neither one has moved since. They each won 12 games over impressive competition -- USC beat Cal, Virginia Teach, and Arizona State, while Oklahoma beat Texas, Texas Tech, and Texas A&M. Four of the five finalists for the Heisman Trophy -- whose recipient is generally considered the best college football player of the year -- are from these schools (two each). Both schools have very good traditions, with multiple national titles in the past -- including two of the last 5. All signs point to this being the Game of the Year. There you go, my look at how the college bowl games match up as a wrestling supercard. Just something for discussion.

Everyone's mentioning sketches involving Christopher Walken, but I have a soft spot for a sketch mocking him -- "Christopher Walken's Psychic Friends Network"! Other great moments in SNL history: Any Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Nancy Kerrigan with other Olympic medal winners ("I'd like to be in the Ice Capades." "I'd like to watch the Ice Capades.") The original SNL Real World parody (an Italian who hated the Irish, an Irishman who hated the English, an Englishman who hated Eskimos, an Eskimo who hated Lesbians, and so on...) The Salem Bitch Trials (from the same episode -- Shannon Doherty, Cypress Hill. It is the best SNL ever in my opinion, just pure gold.) Wayne reveals he has a crush on Garth's mom Wayne and Garth try to watch Madonna's banned video Anything involving Emily Litella (a Gilda Radner character from the first few seasons who would rant on about a world problem before realizing she misheard it -- i.e., complain about "the Iranian ostrich crisis" before realizing it's a hostage crisis. At which point, she'd say, "Ohhhhhhhhh. That's different. Nevermind.") The McLaughlin Group or any of its spinoffs Behind the Scenes of Frank Sinatra's "Duets" album Man, that show rocked. Still does, but... it's just not the same as when you first saw it.

I don't understand why the obsession with making the movie darker. It worked just fine as it was -- a light-hearted morality play (I mean, is the Chocolate Factory a transparent allegory for Heaven or what?) that kids could relate to and take a lesson from. Who is this going to appeal to, except for sadists like us? Who do you market this to? Kids will be freaked out, and adults will think it's a children's story. Well, good luck with it anyway.

Courtesy USSoccer.com, since it's been asked: Nov 17 02 -- USA 2-0 El Salvador Jan 19 03 -- USA 4-0 Canada Feb 8 03 -- USA 0-1 Argentina Feb 12 03 -- Jamaica 1-2 USA Mar 29 03 -- USA 2-0 Venezuela May 8 03 -- USA 0-0 Mexico May 26 03 -- USA 2-0 Wales Jun 8 03 -- USA 2-1 New Zealand CONFEDERATIONS CUP in France: Jun 19 03 -- Turkey 2, USA 1 Jun 21 03 -- Brazil 1, USA 0 Jun 23 03 -- USA 0, Cameroon 0 Jul 6 03 -- USA 2-0 Paraguay CONCACAF GOLD CUP in USA: Jul 12 03 -- USA 2-0 El Salvador Jul 14 03 -- USA 2-0 Martinique Jul 19 03 -- USA 5-0 Cuba Jul 23 03 -- USA 1-2 Brazil Jul 26 03 -- USA 3-2 Costa Rica Jan 18 04 -- USA 1-1 Denmark Jan 28 04 -- Holland 1-0 USA Mar 13 04 -- USA 1-1 Haiti Mar 31 04 -- Poland 0-1 USA Apr 28 04 -- USA 1-0 Mexico Jun 2 04 -- USA 4-0 Honduras WORLD CUP QUALIFIER: Jun 13 04 -- USA 3-0 Grenada Jun 20 04 -- Grenada 2-3 USA So the USA are 16W4D5L since World Cup 02, including a five-match winning streak. Given that World Cup 02 bumped them up to T9, and given their respectable showings in the big games (their losses are to Argentina, Turkey, Brazil, Brazil, and Holland, all by one goal), maybe 7th position is warranted? Maybe?

The following is the official FIFA World Rankings Top 25 as of a few minutes ago. The number in parentheses is the squad's ranking in the previous month. The number after the comma is the number of "computer points" they have. The FIFA World Rankings take into account results from the past 8 years, weighing recent results most heavily and noting the prestige of the match. Ties in the rankings are unbroken. 1. Brazil (1), 835 2. France (2), 813 3. Spain (3), 792 4. Czech Republic (11), 762 5. Holland (5), 748 6. Mexico (4), 743 7. United States (9), 735 8. England (13), 733 9. Italy (10), 729 10. Turkey (5), 723 11. Argentina (5), 722 12. Portugal (22), 715 12. Germany (8), 715 14. Greece (--), 710 15. Denmark (15), 706 16. Cameroon (12), 702 16. Ireland (14), 702 18. Nigeria (16), 697 19. Sweden (18), 686 20. South Korea (20), 670 21. Iran (19), 664 21. Saudi Arabia (24), 664 23. Croatia (20), 662 24. Japan (23), 660 24. Belgium (17), 660 Dropped out: #25 Paraguay Top 5 by official FIFA division: AFC (Asia) 1. South Korea (2) 2. Iran (1) 2. Saudi Arabia (4) 4. Japan (3) 5. Jordan (5) CAF (Africa) 1. Cameroon (1) 2. Nigeria (2) 3. Senegal (3) 4. Morocco (5) 5. Egypt (4) CONCACAF (North America) 1. Mexico (1) 2. United States (2) 3. Costa Rica (3) 4. Jamaica (4) 5. Honduras (5) CONMEBOL (South America) 1. Brazil (1) 2. Argentina (2) 3. Paraguay (3) 4. Uruguay (4) 5. Colombia (5) OFC (Oceania) 1. Australia (1) 2. New Zealand (2) 3. Tahiti (3) 4. Solomon Islands (4) 5. Fiji (5) UEFA (Europe) 1. France (1) 2. Spain (2) 3. Czech Republic (7) 4. Holland (3) 5. England (8) MOVERS AND SHAKERS (those who had a difference of seven spots or more from last month): Biggest jumps: Czech Republic (11-4), Portugal (22-12), Greece (35-14), Ivory Coast (69-62), Trinidad (77-63), Cuba (80-66), Libya (82-70), Ghana (89-71), Angola (85-78), Congo Brazzaville (107-97), Panama (120-106), St. Kitts (120-108), North Korea (125-114), Cape Verde (146-134), Surinam (154-147), St. Vincent and the Grenadines (163-153) Biggest falls: Belgium (17-24), Bosnia (64-73), Iceland (65-75), Burkina Faso (73-80), Bosnia (75-82), Austria (70-86), Kenya (79-86), Liberia (106-113), Azerbaijan (112-119) CREDIT: FIFA.com Well, it's fun to see the Czechs back in the top five -- just in time for their traditional World Cup qualifying collapse. Greece moving up is no shock, but the degree is astonishing -- most teams don't make that kind of move in a year! On the other side, Belgium may have fallen too much for their poor Euro showing, and it's fun to see England, Italy, and Germany all behind Uncle Sam once again. Two points separating Mexico and the US -- CONCACAF's balance of power may change as we know it. Comments?

It's also known for being sarcastic, caustic, and completely unfair. Everything he's put his hands on is biased -- a documentary, in the classical sense, is supposed to believe in res ipso facto. Moore's work is known because he's Michael Moore. And your statement about it being the highest selling documentary shows you CLEARLY don't understand American movie receipts. Michael Moore's documentary did well because he's Michael Moore. The goodness or badness of the documentary has nothing to do with it -- the first weekend of a movie is all about hype. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle was crap, but it made as much as this documentary did in the opening weekend. Yes, if he wants to be seen as a documentarian. That's the definition of a documentary. Right, fine, okay, I get it. Michael Moore can say whatever the hell he wants. That doesn't mean I have to like it, and it doesn't mean it's true or should be presented as such, and it CERTAINLY doesn't mean the message is devoid of himself. Look, I could write whatever I wanted here, and this argument -- that I have something to say and want to say in the best way possible -- would apply. But I have (quite rightly) been called for making the posts sound self-centered and egotistical. I'm doing the same thing to Mr. Moore's movies that gets done to me. Is that wrong? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- oh, you're serious. Michael Moore has a reputation, well-earned. His next documentary -- whatever the subject -- would've created waves because he is an amateur political activist, and because it would be "the first work since he went off at the Oscar ceremony". It would have had buzz. Add to that that it discussed the Presidency -- a Presidency he has sworn to end -- and it gets more buzz. And in the first weekend, buzz is all you need. Two random thoughts: 1. Does Michael Moore want the world to be like Flint, Michigan, which my dad (a Michigan grad) assures me is a miserable place? 2. Could this be the greatest example of "pot, kettle, black" in history? Okay, one more... sahyder... If your avatar is any indication, you wouldn't be serving in Iraq under Bush OR Kerry.

Ugh. I should have expected this. Instead of a possible debate over the merits of what is presented in the movie, all of us have gone into calling each other sheep, traitors, etc. However, one thing is for certain: if you go into this movie expecting the truth, you'll likely get some of it, but not all of it. If you have ever seen a Michael Moore film, you know what to expect. And what you expect is this: somehow, some way, Moore will inevitably make himself the story. From Roger and Me to Farenheit 9/11, it is his pattern. Michael Moore has only one overriding story in each and ever film he makes: "Look at what a great guy I am!" This is the same guy who commandeered the Oscar stage and decided to turn what could have been a cool moment of sportsmanship -- inviting the other four nominees on stage, whom he beat simply because he's Michael Moore and that's how the Oscars work -- into a rant on political views 10 times worse than anything Richard Gere ever did for the Dalai Lama. MICHAEL MOORE IS A GLORY HOG. I've seen enough of his work to know this is how he works. In "Roger and Me", it was "look how much more I care about my hometown than this big faceless corporate suit". In "Bowling for Columbine" it was "watch me stand up to the NRA and make them look like idiots". And now it's "look at me portray the people who have gone overseas as pawns controlled by an evil tyrant". Ooh, ain't you slick, Mikey? And for the record, Michael Moore only started calling this propaganda when it became clear it didn't meet the standards of a documentary. He is on record as calling it a documentary early on. He is also on record as saying he hopes he can be single-handedly responsible for toppling George W. Bush. He basically wants to mold and shape the American political debate to serve his own fat ass. If he feels that way, why doesn't he run for office? Oh, right. He's not an American. I forgot. Okay, rant on Michael Moore over. I agree with some of what he says and disagree with some of it, but the bottom line is, he's a complete self-centered asshole whose ego puts mine to shame.

The Game, just because it took you on so many twists and turns and seemed to swerve you every step of the way only to reveal the ultimate swerve -- that they were being upfront all along.