The Wrestling Renaissance

[Gongsun Zan]

I closed my eyes, strapped to my seat as the huge Boeing 747 plunged through the clouds on approach to the runway. I gripped the sides of my chair tightly, trying to keep the lasagna I had for lunch from traveling up my esophagus and flying out of my mouth. I hated flying. I hated the landing part even more. Somehow, the thought of plummeting to the ground at breakneck speeds just didn’t appeal to me very much.

Once the plane was safely on the ground, I eased my grip on the armrests, taking several deep breaths. All around me, people were getting up to retrieve their luggage from the overhead compartments. I continued to remain in my seat, waiting patiently for the other passengers to settle down. A pleasant tune began to drift through the compartment, as the other passengers started forming a line by the exit. As for myself, I was in no hurry, and saw no need to join the queue. Leaning back in my seat, I popped open a bag of peanuts, as I thought about my situation.

It all started several years ago, when I met a certain man at a café not far from where I lived. He was on vacation, celebrating his acceptance into the WWF. I did not know his name, and he did not know mine, but it hardly mattered. We talked about wrestling, and we talked about a dozen other subjects I can no longer recall. After all, back then I never paid it any special attention, certainly never imagining that I would be sitting in an airplane seat thousands of miles away trying to remember the details.

We talked for hours, until the time called for him to head back to the airport. But before he left, he made a promise. We were to meet exactly one year from now, at the same café, assuming it didn’t go bankrupt. Fortunately, it never did, and for the next few years, we continued to meet up, swapping stories and exchanging ideas.

As the years went by, things changed. WCW went out of business, and the WWF became the WWE. The months that followed were not as Vince McMahon had hoped, and my friend soon found himself on the streets, jobless. When I saw him that year, I could still sense the rage burning in his eyes. While he refused to speak about the details of his retrenchment, he did tell me he was going to start his own promotion, in the hopes of taking down the WWE. I would have thought he was joking, if it wasn’t for the determined look on his face and the honesty in his voice. I wished him the best of luck, and he took his leave.

Around the time of our next meeting, I received a letter, which I assumed was penned by him. His promotion had folded, and in his despair, he mentioned that he was taking his life. He apologized for being unable to make our next encounter, and told me to forget about him. Just to be safe I visited the café again, but he never showed up, confirming my fears. Despite my best efforts to track him down, I never saw him again.

Yet, no matter how hard I tried to forget about him, the image of him declaring war on the WWE continued to haunt me. While his words have long escaped me, I still remember the look on his face, the sheer intensity in his voice as he proclaimed his master plan.

I just couldn’t figure it out. This was a man I saw only once every 365 days, yet I found myself spending hours at a time just thinking about him. I considered seeing a therapist, but changed my mind, in fear of the social stigma associated with seeing a shrink. Eventually, I decided the only way to remedy the problem was to carry out his dying wish, if only to seek closure on the matter. Even if things didn’t work out, I could still take comfort in the fact knowing that I tried. With only the vaguest idea of what I was going to do, I boarded a plane and left the country.

This was madness. Here I was, hundreds of miles away from home, fulfilling a nonexistent promise to a man I barely knew.

Then again, nobody ever made it big in this business without being a little crazy.

[Gongsun Zan]

Several weeks have gone by since my arrival, and already things are beginning to shape up. In addition to a place to hold our shows, I have managed to tie up $21,000 worth of sponsors, as well as six up and coming stars ready to throw away their lives in a blink of an eye. While I doubt any of them could wrestle their way out of a paper bag, our primary goal right now is to simply get our name out there, regardless of how bad our reputation may be. Like they say, beggars can’t be choosers. After all, if you weren’t a beggar, you wouldn’t be wasting your time at our shows.

Considering we have virtually no fan base or reputation, our workers are going to need all the help they can get to get over with the crowd. After assigning them some archetypical cheap-heat gimmicks, I finally managed to assemble a force capable of garnering us a loyal fan base. Presenting:

Starting off, I managed to hire two seasoned backyard wrestlers, Kamikaze Bob and Suicide Mike. While purists may argue about the entertainment factor of a submission based match, one cannot deny that young teenagers throwing themselves off rooftops sure are entertaining as hell. And, if for some reason they end up dead on the job, I’ll just shrug and point to Darwin’s theory of Natural Selection. Come on, would you want your children to have their genes?

Every promotion needs a cowardly evil-doer for the good guy to squash night after night. Seeing as two of my faces are thinking-impaired dropouts, I have decided to pit them against their natural arch nemesis: The Class Monitor! Meet Arnold Appleby, a cowardly by-the-book tattletale, just the kind of guy (you wished) you could beat up and flush down the toilet.

Of course, in order to even things up, we will need somebody to job to the minions of evil. Somebody who can rally sympathy from the crowd, yet at the same time be pathetic enough in order to prevent the victim from becoming more over than the man beating him up. After some tough consideration, I settled on some fat kid by the name of Tubby McGuire. He’s great for evoking sympathy from the crowd. Of course, not matter what they tell themselves; deep down inside they’re just praying to god they don’t end up looking like him.

Ever since the dawn of time, wrestling promotions across America have taken advantage of the pseudo patriotism of their fans, turning every non-citizen into an evil foreigner. I too, shall pick up the tradition, in the hopes of earning some crowd interaction during my shows. Playing off the recent Iraq war, I hired an immigrant from Afghanistan to play the role of a scheming terrorist, known only as The Turbanator. If this doesn’t get us any cheap heat/media attention, I don’t know what will.

Finally, what promotion is complete without an authority figure to boss the good guys around? Unfortunately, ‘The Evil Boss’ gimmicks are a dime a dozen these days. Rather, I shall take a more realistic approach, going along with the much more lifelike “Clueless Moron” gimmick. To keep things simple, he will be known only as…The Boss.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The stars of tomorrow! Our first show shall feature an impressive six man tournament, with the winners of each match going on to compete in a triple threat match for the coveted World Title!

Edited June 2, 2004 by Gongsun Zan

[billyzzz80]

So this is how the writer of battle royale writes a real wrestling diary. You're a terrific writer, I'm really looking forward to this.

[Bushmeister]

The Turbanator.... Goddamn. Seriously, someone needs to collect these wicked gimmicks and unleash them upon the world as a collection. The Turbanator, Paper Bag Man, Headkicker, Elax, "The Fighting Rabbi"...

I just hope that The Turbanator will play off his Afganistan/Al-Qayda-heritage and utilize the 747 Drop as his finisher.

[kaplanir]

Very interesting...Are you going to reveal the friend's identity?

[Farmer Reil]

Bahahahaha. The Turbanator = Gold. Or perhaps 'Oil' would be more appropriate.

Yeah, I suck at comedy. Luckily, you don't

[Gongsun Zan]

Decadence

25/7/04

-----Dark Match-----

As a grand total of 5 people pour into the backyard, the Boss struts out to the ring, ready to launch the show.

Boss: “Ladies and gentlemen, it is my duty to welcome all of you to the show. Actually, it wasn’t really my job, but I just wanted to find a way to hog the spotlight. Hey, did I ever tell you how much I LOVE wrestling? Man, back when I was in high school, I used to watch it all the time. Don’t you just love it when you’ve got when bald naked guy running around that square rope thing beating on that other bald naked guy? Those were the days. Ever since then, I’ve always wanted to be just like them! Which is why, I took up kickboxing! Why, I used to be…”

Before he can bore the crowd any further, Suicide Mike and Kamikaze Bob rush out to the ring, quickly restraining him and dragging him to the back.

Overall Rating: 47%

-----Program Start-----

Kamikaze Bob and Suicide Mike are occupying the ring, microphones in hands. Mike starts to say something, but Bob cuts him off, yelling into his microphone.

Bob: “Ladies and Gentlemen, say hello to your future champions, Kamikaze Bob and Suicide Mike! Man, we’re like so extreme! And hardcore! What isn’t there to like about us? So, Arnold Appleby, prepare to be crushed!”

Mike: “That’s right.”

Bob: “Come on, where’s your enthusiasm? We’re like the most extreme guys on the planet! Show a little more excitement! Like, wave your arms and stuff.”

Mike: “Uh huh.”

Overall Rating: 45%

Suicide Mike d. Arnold Appleby

The majority of the match featured Suicide Mike showcasing his arsenal of high risk maneuvers, though the crowd wasn’t very impressed with the match. Meanwhile, Appleby would oversell each and every move performed, squealing in pain while flopping about the ring. Mike finally ended his agony with a shooting star press, collecting the win soon after.

After the match, started whining to the crowd how aerial attacks are non-legitimate maneuvers. Unfortunately, before he could say much, Mike knocked him out cold with a hard blow to the head.

Overall Rating: 36%

Crowd Reaction: 11%

Match Quality: 61%

Bob: “Yeah! What did I tell you? We won! You’re the man!”

Mike: “You’ve got that right.”

Bob: “Hey, don’t hog all the glory. It’s my turn to show you just how extreme I can be!”

Overall Rating: 41%

The Boss d. Kamikaze Bob

The Boss starts off by demonstrating his fancy kickboxing skills, flailing his arms about in the air while he sticks his foot out. Kamikaze Bob simply stands there, as he waits for the Boss to move.

Boss: “Come and get me, you…you…fiend! Hyah!”

Shrugging, Bob rushes forwards, tackling the Boss to the ground. The rest of the match involved Bob performing a series of aerial maneuvers, which would have entertained the crowd if they weren’t so badly botched.

After a few more minutes of badly performed moves, Kamikaze Bob drags the Boss over to the house, where he disappears for a few seconds, before reappearing on the rooftop.

Swanton Bomb!

Too bad he had to miss

Both men lie unconscious in the middle of my flowerbed, as an audible yawn spreads through the audience. Finally, the Boss manages to extend a hand, covering Bob for the win.

Overall Rating: 32%

Crowd Reaction: 16%

Match Quality: 48%

As Suicide Mike drags Bob backstage, Tubby McGuire waddles out to the ring. What looks suspiciously like chocolate sauce is dripping from his chin, forming a small brown stain on his shirt.

Tubby: “Hello everybody, my name is Tubby McGuire!”

He pauses, waiting for somebody in the crowd to cheer him on. Nobody does.

Tubby: “Well, I guess you’re all wondering what I’m doing here. For too long, the nasty people in school have been making fun of me. Tubby, you’re so fat; you’ve got your own area code! Tubby, you’re so fat; your baby photos were taken by satellite! Well, let me tell you this mister, my Mama says that she took my photos with a portable camera! So there! Well, my Mama also told me I should be a man, and take a stand for myself! So that’s why I signed up, to teach all the nasty people in the world a lesson. Isn’t that right guys?”

One of our attendees even responded with a heart warming ‘Yes’!

Overall Rating: 43%

The Turbanator d. Tubby McGuire

Tubby tries to start a ‘Let’s Go Tubby’ chant, but ends up failing miserably. Taking advantage of his opponent’s lack of morale, the Turbanator carefully sneaks up behind Tubby, knocking him down with a huge shove. Tubby then gets rolled about the ring to the (slight) amusement of the fans. Not quite the effect I was hoping for.

After the Turbanator is done fooling around, he dazzles the crowd with some heel offense, including a wide array of low blows and eye rakes. He finally picks up the win following a 747 Drop.

Overall Rating: 39%

Crowd Reaction: 17%

Match Quality: 61%

As a dejected Tubby returns to the back, the Turbanator grabs a microphone, throwing his arms in the air in celebration of his victory.

Turbanator: “Praise the illustrious Allah, for giving me the courage and strength to best these infidels in the ring! It is clearly his will that I beat all you nonbelievers for the championship belt, even if it means martyrdom. Do not try to resist, for Judgment Day is upon you! For every one of us you viciously slaughter with your high tech weaponry, we will do our very best to find one of you and poke you with rusty knives. You cannot hope to win. Surrender now.”

Overall Rating: 49%

World Championship Match:

The Turbanator d. The Boss, Suicide Mike

The Boss, still occupying the flowerbed, is the first to go, easily eliminated by Mike on his way to the ring. A vicious battle between good and evil ensures, as Suicide Mike, cheered on by Kamikaze Bob, begins to whether down the Turbanator with a series of right hands. Within each fist, lies not just the power of one man, but the power of…America!

Unfortunately, America doesn’t last long, as a kick to the nuts is all the Turbanator needs to put Mike away. He spends the next few minutes executing a few moves, before finally hitting the Baghdad Bomb for the win.

The Turbanator is our first ever champion! Well, it wasn’t much of a surprise, but we needed to give the fans a reason to come back for our next show. Hopefully.

Overall Rating: 38%

Crowd Reaction: 17%

Match Quality: 60%

Overall Rating for Decadence: 40%

[Hajjhowe]

I liked the show. 6 very unique charecters, and I am paticularly entertained by Tubby. Just picturing a fat kid rolling arouund with chocolate on his shirt makes me laugh a little. Good choice for first champion too.

[Bushmeister]

YES! THE 747 DROP! I'm famous now!

A seriously good show, the Tubby - Turbanator-segments were pure gold. Bob & Mike seemed kinda lame, though, compared to the rest of them.

Bring in two juggalos to feud with Mike & Bob, no?

[Gongsun Zan]

With less than a month since my first show, Suicide Mike has already gotten himself in trouble. Apparently, he’s been taking cocaine, which is a really bad thing to do, or so the authorities claim. Seeing as I have nobody to replace him with right now, I’ll just have to let the incident pass. In other news, I've used the profits from our last show to up our production values, brining the total to an impressive five percent. In other words, that means now we will have real electricity flowing through our microphones!

Breakfast of Champions

29th August, 2004

-----Dark Match-----

Turbanator: “Praise the almighty Allah, for he has shown mercy on you infidels. He has granted you two matches to redeem yourselves, at a shot at the holy championship. Regardless, I suggest you give up and surrender now. With two badly functioning assault rifles, we are stronger than ever. Oh, I think we’ve got some knives too. With our superior firepower, we shall push back the tyrants that invade our lands, and defeat all that stand in our way. You cannot even dream of defeating us.”

Overall Rating: 47%

-----Program Start-----

Tubby McGuire d. Kamikaze Bob, Arnold Appleby

Kamikaze Bob goes straight for Appleby, wrenching off his pocket protector as Appleby screams in absolute agony. Kamikaze Bob refuses to let up, performing the unthinkable…HE UNTUCKS APPLEBY’S SHIRT!

All this is too much for Appleby to take, as he tries to make a hasty retreat to the safety of backstage. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get far, before Bob scores with a clothesline, knocking the evil nerd down. Appleby gets on his knees, begging for mercy. Bob, not being very bright, approaches him…only to get hit by a (regulation) low blow!

Appleby goes for the pin, but wait! It’s Tubby McGuire to the rescue! Appleby can only look on in horror as the giant mass of fat comes rushing towards him…Rolling Hunger! In an unbelievable finish to the match, Tubby McGuire advances to face the Champion…next month!

Overall Rating: 37%

Crowd Reaction: 14%

Match Quality: 61%

Tubby seems equally surprised at his victory, as his entire body gyrates with excitement…not a pretty sight.

Tubby: “I did it! Next week, it shall be I who will win the Championship! Momma will be so proud of me; she’ll buy me even more tasty snacks and munchies! Finally, people would stop making fun of me. Say goodbye to loser Tubby, because now I’m a big boy now! Never again will have to listen to the insults of those nasty boys and girls! Tubby you’re so fat; we’re in you right now! Tubby you’re so fat; when you walked past the TV I missed an entire season! No more! No more!”

Overall Rating: 39%

While Tubby continues to moan about his life, the Boss pokes his head out from behind the curtain.

Boss: “Hey that looks like fun! Don’t mind if I join in! Let’s see, let me think of a good one…I know! Tubby you’re so fat; you sit next to everyone in class! Hah! Hoohahaha! Wait, I’ve got another one: You’re so fat, people run around you for exercise! Good God I crack myself up! Hey, we really ought to get together one day; we’ll make a great team!”

Tubby: “Enough! I’m going to teach you a lesson, you big nasty oaf! For all the horizontally challenged and big boned people in the world, I challenge you to a match!”

After emitting what sounded like a pig’s squeal, Tubby launched himself at the Boss, starting the match.

Overall Rating: 48%

The Boss d. Tubby McGuire

After his disastrous run last month, we’re going to have to make the Boss seem credible for his next match, so poor Tubby is going to get fed to him today. Tubby starts off by flailing away at the Boss. While certainly impressive for one as rotund as him, it barely has an effect on the bigger man, who simply shrugs it off and shoves Tubby away.

Meanwhile, Tubby falls back, landing on his butt. The impact causes him to bounce off the canvas, right back up…and into the Boss’ waiting boot. Tubby squeals – this time in pain, as the Boss starts stomping on him...until he too loses his balance and falls flat on his back.

Tubby struggles to get up, but mysteriously discovers that he can’t. The best he could do was to flail his arms helplessly in the air, until the Boss recovered and pinned him for the win.

Overall Rating: 41%

Crowd Reaction: 19%

Match Quality: 64%

Before Tubby can escape the arena, he finds himself intercepted by the Turbanator.

Turbanator: “Look at this! Is that what you people call the American Dream? To be like this fat and ugly slob over here? To gorge yourselves on disgusting fatty foods and secret sauce? Does this infidel really think he can defeat me, when I have Allah on my side? Look at me, Allah has graced me with a healthy sand and mud diet. Look at my amazing physique! With the soil of my ancestors pumping through my bloodstream, there is no way I can lose. You cannot hope to best me in one on one combat. Surrender now; and pray to Allah that he grants mercy on your forsaken soul.”

Overall Rating: 54%

Suicide Mike d. The Boss

Tired from his last match (all two minutes of it), the Boss can barely manage to keep up with Mike’s fast hitting offense. He finds himself spinning round in circles, trying in vain to anticipate where the next move will come from. It all works to Mike’s advantage, as the Boss soon passes out, giving Mike a shot at the World Championship!

Overall Rating: 32%

Crowd Reaction: 17%

Match Quality: 47%

Bob: “Congratulations on your win man, but think about it. If you want to beat the Turbanator, you can’t just fight like that. You’ve got to be all, hardcore and stuff. Like grab a flaming two by four and smash your face against it until you bleed. The crowd just loves that stuff!”

Mike: “How exactly does attacking oneself help you win the match?”

Bob: “Who said anything about winning? It’s all about being extreme! Get with the flow, man.”

Overall Rating: 43%

The Turbanator d. Suicide Mike

Following his partner’s advice, Mike leaves the ring, trying to locate a flaming two by four. Unable to find any, he settles for a flaming tree branch instead. He pauses, wondering if he’s making the right decision. Finally, after some cheering from Kamikaze Bob, he cracked it over his head, knocking himself out.

As the crowd went nuts (well, at least one guy did. Two if you count the guy who told him to shut up.), the Turbanator made the cover, successfully defending his title!

Overall Rating: 37%

Crowd Reaction: 20%

Match Quality: 54%

Overall Rating for Breakfast of Champions: 40%

Edited June 4, 2004 by Gongsun Zan

[Gongsun Zan]

With the market booming, I soon discovered that I needed more workers to well, make our company look a hell lot more impressive. Considering we're already running on a tight budget, it's not going to be easy squeezing them into our already packed show, so expect our two mysterious signings to debut...next month...or the month after that.

Hostile Intentions

26th September, 2004

-----Dark Match-----

Mike: “I don’t know, are you sure this is safe?”

Bob: “Safe? Who cares about safe? It’s all about being hardcore! Nobody has ever been truly extreme while trying to be safe! Bah, that word doesn’t even exist in my vocabulary! It’s all about being extreme man. You know, maximum exposure, crazy stunts, insane jumps…that’s what this business is really all about. Not that silly grappling nonsense. Jeez, if I wanted to see men rub each other I’d go visit a gay party or something.”

Mike: “Alright, I think I get the point already.”

Bob: “Good, now watch me go out there and kick some ass!”

Overall Rating: 45%

-----Program Start-----

Kamikaze Bob d. Arnold Appleby

True to his word, Kamikaze Bob started out by kicking Appleby right in the booty. As Appleby massaged his rear end, Bob demonstrated the principles of being extreme by diving headfirst through a table. He continued to destroy himself, whipping out items such as the cheese grater, florescent lightbulbs, barbed wire, along with a dozen other sharp and pointy objects.

Meanwhile, Arnold Appleby stood agape at the chaos that was unfolding inside the ring. The blood, the splinters, the glass…all of it was too much for him. Never before had he seen such a mess! Unable to find any reason for this cleanliness catastrophe, Appleby passed out.

Noticing his fallen opponent, Kamikaze Bob limped over to Appleby’s body, where he made the cover for the win.

Overall Rating: 39%

Crowd Reaction: 14%

Match Quality: 64%

The Boss is in the ring, a ladder set up behind him. While the following match does not involve in titles hanging from the sky, having a ladder for the superstars to jump off is still a pretty neat concept.

Boss: “My, would you look at this beauty! The last time I saw one of these babies, I saw two men plummet to their doom! Alright, you’ve got me there. The ladder wasn’t going to fall on its own, if you get what I mean. Wink. Wink. Man, I can never get one eyelid to stay up. Every time I try to do it one of them blighters just refuses to stay open! Come one…gah! Let me try that again. Those boys on TV sure make it seem like a breeze. How do they do it?”

As the Boss continues to hone his winking abilities, Suicide Mike crawls into the ring, accompanied by an eager Kamikaze Bob. The bell rings, and the match begins.

Overall Rating: 48%

Ladder Match:

Suicide Mike d. The Boss

Generic backyard scuffle, with the occasional slam here and there. Mike stayed closed to the ladder, although he was reluctant on using it for anything other than bludgeoning the Boss with it. Eventually, with some encouragement from Bob, he climbed the ladder, ready to make a leap of faith.

Unfortunately, when one tries to perform such a task, it is wise to make sure your opponent is out cold first. Before long, Suicide Mike found the ground rushing up to meet him, before finally smacking face first in the mud. From there, the Boss easily made the cover, earning himself a win.

Overall Rating: 40%

Crowd Reaction: 22%

Match Quality: 58%

Kamikaze Bob rushed over to his fallen comrade, trying desperately to revive him.

Bob: “Mike! Don’t die on me! That’s so not extreme! What will the people are the funeral think of you? You’ve got to be hardcore! Come on man, give me hardcore! Give me hardcore! Mike? Mike! Stay with me here!”

Mike: “I’m not dead you brainless oaf! Now stop kissing me already!”

Bob: “Mike! You’re alive! Oh, I swear to god that I shall never use your toothbrush to wash my hamster ever again!”

Mike: “What?”

Bob: “Nothing. Um…you can go back to being unconscious now.”

Overall Rating: 39%

Tubby McGuire d. Arnold Appleby

Seeing as how Tubby is going on to face the Turbanator for the championship tonight, we night as well make him look strong by having Arnold job to him. Unfortunately, there are few things a fat man can do without looking like a clumsy oaf in the ring, and this match proved it. Fortunately, just like sex and killing people, things like watching a fat man completely smother his opponent just never grow old.

Overall Rating: 35%

Crowd Reaction: 14%

Match Quality: 57%

As Tubby gets ready for his next match, the Turbanator staggers out from backstage, holding on tightly to a microphone.

Turbanator: “Tonight, I shall into the ring to do battle with the infidel. But not just any infidel, tonight, my opponent is a tyrannical American…pig! Almighty, Allah, please forgive me for the horrible atrocity I shall commit in the ring tonight. With your divine grace and mercy, cleanse my body from the…the…pork that stains it, and strike down our enemies without mercy! Show the infidels the errors of their ways, by casting them into the depths of hell where they shall suffer for all eternity, while those on the path of jihad who commit acts of self-martyrdom shall look down from heaven and laugh at the plight of their enemies. Hah!”

Overall Rating: 56%

World Championship Match:

Tubby McGuire d. The Turbanator

Frozen to the spot by the Turbanator’s intimidating words, Tubby watches helplessly as his opponent cracks his knuckles, ready to beat Tubby into a bloody pulp. Winding his arm back, he gets ready to strike.

His fist flies through the air, striking Tubby in the stomach. Tubby simply stands there unblinking, as the Turbanator tries again and again; each blow absorbed by the layers of fat Tubby calls his gut. The Afghanistan’s scrawny arms are no match for the powers of cellulite. Eventually, he begins to tire, and then, he falls to the canvas, complete exhausted. Tubby is the winner! Once again, the immortal powers of fast food have triumphed!

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 21%

Match Quality: 64%

Excited beyond belief, Tubby starts doing laps around the ring, waving the stubby appendages normal people call arms about in the air. In reality, sausages would be a better word. I only use the word ‘arms’ as they are connected to each side of the upper torso where the arms should be. I think.

Tubby: “I did it! I did it! I, Tubby McGuire, have stood up for my rights! Momma will be so proud! I can’t wait to go home and tell her the good news! And she will rub my stomach just the way I like it, and bake me cookies, and we will all live happily ever after. And there’s not a thing the nasty people can say that will make me feel down! Oh, I am ever so happy! Not even the nastiest of fat jokes can stop me now!”

Overall Rating: 49%

Overall Rating for Hostile Intentions: 44%

Edited June 4, 2004 by Gongsun Zan

[Hajjhowe]

TUBBY WINS! TUBBY WINS! UPSET! UPSET!

Nice couple of shows, with slow charecter development. I still believe the boss could be more clueless and incompatent, but I guess that will come with time. Keep up the good work!

[Bushmeister]

THE TURBANATOR LOST?

That settles it, I'm shipping some explosives to him. Say goodbye to Mrs. McGuire.

"You should have told your boy not to wrestle, ma'am... I'm afraid it is too late for that now."

[nabeel]

Turbanotor sounds like a muslim. Since he's from Afghanistan, his finisher shud be Kabul Bomb. Baghdad is the capital of Iraq. Other than that

'Oh Allah! Curse these infidels and show them the light. Show them who the turbanator really is. Amen"

[Gongsun Zan]

Turbanotor sounds like a muslim. Since he's from Afghanistan, his finisher shud be Kabul Bomb. Baghdad is the capital of Iraq. Other than that

'Oh Allah! Curse these infidels and show them the light. Show them who the turbanator really is. Amen"

←

Well, the character playing the Turbanator is from Afghanistan, but the gimmick is supposed to be from Iraq. Besides, Baghdad Bomb sounds a hell lot cooler

[Gongsun Zan]

Following last month’s ladder incident, Suicide Mike has sustained a knee injury, knocking him out for 14 months. After much thought, I’ve decided to keep him around for another month or two, just so we can make fun of him on our shows without having to worry about a lawsuit.

In other news, we continue to shock the wrestling world by moving up the ranks to become the 33rd best promotion in North America. Sure, it’s only because ECCW and NWA: East went bankrupt, but at least it’s a start, right?

Tempest

31st October, 2004

-----Dark Match-----

The Boss is standing in the middle of the ring, which is surrounded by all the other superstars, with the exception of Tubby McGuire.

Boss: “The reason I called all of you here today, is to read to you a very important message from upper management. Keep in mind, that these are people you have never seen, and probably never will. Now, apparently things aren’t going quite according to schedule. Our original plan was to hope that all of you were to mysteriously die before receiving your paycheck, but apparently that wasn’t working out very well. So, in order to speed up the natural process, we have terminated all your medical benefits. Of course, to prevent the government from trying to shut us down, I have taken the liberty of hiring a shady looking conman who assures me he loitered about medical school. May I present to you, Doctor LeQuack!”

Overall Rating: 46%

-----Program Start----

LeQuack: “Ah…I see you are a very troubled individual.”

Boss: “I am?”

LeQuack: “Yes…very troubled indeed. Let me see…do you ever lose consciousness for hours at a time at night?”

Boss: “Why, yes…but that could mean anything!”

LeQuack: “And do you feel a strange emptiness if you don’t eat?”

Boss: “How do you…”

LeQuack: “And do you find yourself strangely tired after vigorous activity?”

Boss: “Good god this man’s a genius!”

LeQuack: “This could be serious…quick! Hand me your wallet!”

The Boss quickly hands over his wallet for LeQuack to inspect.

LeQuack: “Aha! It is just as I feared. You are suffering from a deadly virus from the deepest recesses of the Amazon rainforest! I’m afraid the only cure is for me to empty the contents of your wallet.”

Boss: “Anything! Just make it stop!”

Casually, LeQuack relieves the Boss of his money, before handing back the empty wallet.

Boss: “Thank you, I feel much better now! Is there anything I can do in return?”

LeQuack: “Well, that title belt over there would be nice.”

Boss: “That doohickey? I never could figure out what it was for. I tried eating it, but it tasted horrible. You can take it if you want, almighty Doctor.”

LeQuack: “Oh, no need to thank me. I’m just doing my job.”

Cliched, but hey, if it ain't broke...

Overall Rating: 51%

Doctor LeQuack d. Kamikaze Bob

With Mike gone, there’s no reason to be pushing Bob up the card, so he gets jobbed to the new guy to make him seem like a credible threat. The crowd of 5 was actually starting to get into this match, almost like they were going to start jeering. Unfortunately, they didn’t, and the rest of the match turned out to be pretty lackluster.

Overall Rating: 37%

Crowd Reaction: 26%

Match Quality: 48%

Tubby proudly struts his way out to the ring, dressed in a shockingly tight tuxedo. The buttons look ready to burst any moment, but Tubby doesn’t seem to notice, waving proudly to the crowd. The deciding moment comes when he realizes his title his gone, as he starts bawling like a baby, sending buttons flying everywhere.

Tubby: “My title! Where has my championship gone? No! This cannot be possible! Where is my award ceremony? If Momma finds out, she’ll whack me and call me a dirty nasty liar! I’m not a dirty nasty liar; I’m supposed to be a champion! A big boy! No, this isn’t fair! I want my munchies! I want my cookies! Now all the other boys and girls will start making fun of me again, except this time they will have double the things to make fun of! I can already picture it right now: Tubby, you’re so fat the sun revolves around you…and you’re a dirty nasty liar too! Oh, woe is me!”

Overall Rating: 49%

The Turbanator d. Kamikaze Bob

Having already lost to LeQuack earlier tonight, Bob’s losing streak continued as the Turbanator brutally slaughtered him in the ring. Just when it looked like another shoo-in, Bob valiantly fought back, stopping the Turbanator’s offense dead in its tracks. He proceeded to pick up a steel chair, but paused, remembering what happened to Suicide Mike. Slowly, he turned around, allowing the Turbanator to hit the 747 Drop and pick up the win.

Overall Rating: 34%

Crowd Reaction: 22%

Match Quality: 47%

After the match, Kamikaze Bob picked up a microphone.

Bob: “Alright, I’ve only got one to say. What happened to Mike last week, it was certainly not very extreme or hardcore. And so I thought to myself. What if I ended up crippled like him? Why was I risking all of this? Well the answer is simple. It’s because I’m hardcore, man! Nothing can stop me now!”

Bob also happens to be boring on the microphone. No more talk time for him.

Overall Rating: 39%

Tubby McGuire d. The Turbanator

This match was originally supposed to be a title rematch, but seeing as Doctor LeQuack made off with the title, there wasn’t anything for Tubby to defend. It didn’t matter anyway, as the power of French fries and onion rings prevailed once again, easily shrugging off all the Turbanator could come with. It wasn’t long before the Turbanator found himself on the ground, right in the middle of a Rolling Hunger.

Overall Rating: 43%

Crowd Reaction: 23%

Match Quality: 64%

Tubby tried to shoo the Turbanator out of the ring, but the Turbanator stood his ground, refusing to leave the ring. Unfolding a piece of paper from his pocket, he grabbed a microphone and turned to address the audience.

Turbanator: “I may have been defeated once, and I may have been defeated again, but is all only part of Allah’s will. Do not think just because you have beaten me, that you can steal our resources and take away our holy land with your tanks and cruise missiles. With every bit of ground you gain, your forces grow increasingly spread out, while our forces grow more and more concentrated in an ever shrinking area. It does not take the great Allah himself to tell you that you are on the road to defeat and humiliation. Give up now.”

Overall Rating: 53%

World Championship Match:

Doctor LeQuack d. Tubby McGuire

I’m not sure whether handing the title over to LeQuack on his debut show was a good move, but seeing as ‘storylines’ and ‘good booking’ cost money, we’ll all have to settle for random booking in the meantime. Besides, booking is a lot easier when you don't have to worry about 'plot development' and stuff like that.

In other news, the matched featured LeQuack skillfully dodging all of Tubby’s clumsy attacks, to the point where a simple push was all it took to knock him down. And trust me, when you’re as heavy as Tubby, even a drop like that could be fatal.

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 27%

Match Quality: 57%

Overall Rating for Tempest: 43%

[nabeel]

How about Kabul Kalling ?

[Kristos Is God]

Kabul Krunch, Afghansault...

[Bushmeister]

You infidels, the 747 Drop > any and all finishers ever.

Stand back, there's a TURNADO coming thru!

>_>

Ok, that was lame.

[Gongsun Zan]

Despite the booming market, it looks like a bad time to be a wrestling promotion as no less than five of my competitors go kaput. Say goodbye to LVV, NWA: W, ECWA, USA Pro and UPW. Of course, we continue to dominate the backyard industry, at a whopping 4%, officially making us the 28th best promotion around!

Meanwhile, being the clueless moron he is, the Boss slipped on an ice cube, twisting his ankle. He will be out for two months. I guess now would be a good time to debut our newest superstar, Aaron Stride. Unfortunately, he also happens to be woefully generic, definitely something we want to keep away from the title belt. Seeing as he’s just the kind of guy whose face you can forget moments after seeing him, I’ve decided to repackage him as…Dustin Echoes.

Extreme Warfare

28th November, 2004

-----Dark Match-----

The show begins with LeQuack and Appleby in the ring, in the middle of a conversation.

LeQuack: “Good evening, my coolophobic friend."

Appleby: “What the heck are you talking about? Coolophobia? As a certified ten time winner of the international spelling bee, I can safely say that there is no such word in the English dictionary.”

LeQuack: “Coolophobic. The fear of being cool. It is only one of the many deadly diseases you are suffering from, including chronic dweebness, and induced geekalitis. Fortunately, I have just the cure for you.”

Appleby: “Stop making words up!”

LeQuack: “Are you a doctor?”

Appleby: “No…”

LeQuack: “Then shut up. Nobody likes a whiner.”

Meanwhile, the final count is in. Our attendance stands at a record breaking number of three people. How wonderful.

Overall Rating: 40%

-----Program Start-----

LeQuack: “Now listen carefully. Tonight, you shall help me achieve victory. In return, I shall give you the pills you need to rid yourself of that terminal condition. Is that understood?”

Appleby: “I don’t have a terminal condition!”

LeQuack: “Silence! Nobody must hear of our secret plan! Is there anyone else listening?”

Appleby: “Only Dustin Echoes.”

LeQuack: “Excellent. Even the slightest leak of information could prove disastrous. Now pay close attention.”

Echoes: “Aren’t you afraid I’m going to spoil your plan? Hello?”

LeQuack: “Some special drugs will be arriving tonight. I need you to take care of them and make sure nobody discovers what’s in it. Understood?”

Echoes: “How about these people in the audience? Can’t they hear you too?”

Appleby: “Wait, so you’re going to…”

Echoes: “Is anyone listening to me?”

LeQuack: “Exactly.”

LeQuack pats Appleby on his back, before returning backstage. Meanwhile, as Appleby prepares for his match, Dustin Echoes continues to wander around randomly, trying to get somebody to notice him.

Overall Rating: 40%

Arnold Appleby d. Kamikaze Bob

Kamikaze Bob continues his jobbing streak, this time to the pitifully unover Appleby. Arnold looks more determined than usual tonight, going so far as to produce a history textbook to try and batter Bob with. Bob managed to counter the attack by grabbing the book, before setting it on fire and knocking himself out with it. Appleby made the cover, earning his first win ever!

Overall Rating: 31%

Crowd Reaction: 19%

Match Quality: 51%

As the ring clears out, the Turbanator emerges to a chorus of boos from our miniscule crowd.

Turbanator: “Go ahead and boo, infidel scum! For while you may laugh now, after Allah lays waste to your precious metropolitan cities, it is I who shall be laughing! With every one of us you brutally shoot, hang, decapitate or blow up, your number of potential targets continue to shrink, while we on the other hand, enjoy a virtually unlimited source of enemies to shoot at. Soon, you will find that you have nothing left to shoot, and your only option is to throw down your weapons and go home. Do you not realize that it is impossible for you to achieve victory? Surrender now.”

Overall Rating: 59%

The Turbanator d. Dustin Echoes

The Turbanator was muttering something about American cloaking technology during the match, but I doubt anyone understood what he was saying. He staggered about the ring swinging his arms wildly until a lucky shot connected with Echoes, allowing the Turbanator to launch into a proper offense. A few minutes later, he hit the 747 Drop, winning the match.

Overall Rating: 30%

Crowd Reaction: 17%

Match Quality: 52%

Tubby enters the arena next, microphone in one hand and ice cream cone in the other. He starts speaking, simultaneously crying and stuffing his mouth full of ice cream.

Tubby: “Last week, that nasty evil Doctor stole my precious championship! Oh, I worked so hard for it, just to please my Momma! Now she thinks I’m a dirty liar, and I’m never going to be able to eat any more candy ever again! And when I went back to school, everyone started making fun of me! Tubby, you’re so fat, you bathe in the ocean! And then, I tell them, that I’m not fat, I’m a healthy well fed boy. But that only makes them laugh at me even more. Nobody loves me anymore, and it’s all your fault! Tonight, I’m going to teach you what it’s like not to be loved, and I hope your Momma scolds you like she did me!”

With that, Tubby breaks down completely, slowly dragging himself backstage while he finishes the remained of his cone.

Overall Rating: 50%

Doctor LeQuack d. Kamikaze Bob

As the match began, LeQuack removed several pieces of brightly colored pills from his pocket, offering them to Kamikaze Bob. While Bob resisted at first, LeQuack told him it was what all the hardcore people ate, which was enough to convince Bob to swallow and handful. A few seconds later, he was out cold, allowing LeQuack to easily pick up the win.

Overall Rating: 35%

Crowd Reaction: 29%

Match Quality: 49%

As Bob is slowly dragged out of the ring, LeQuack grabs a microphone, taunting Tubby.

LeQuack: “Alright Tubby, I know we got off to a bad start. So calm down, and have a cookie. I feel bad about it…I really do! That is why I went to great lengths to obtain some of the best tasting candy in the world! See, they even come in all these little pretty colors, like pink and orange and blue! So why don’t you just come on out, and you can have all the candy you want!”

The thought of food alone is enough to send Tubby charging right out, his hands already making a move for the candy.

Overall Rating: 46%

World Championship Match:

Doctor LeQuack d. Tubby McGuire

As the match begins, LeQuack immediately tosses some of the candy into the bushes, taunting Tubby to go fetch it. Instead, Tubby opts to go straight for the jar itself, as he throws himself right at LeQuack, trying to snatch away the jar of candy.

As LeQuack tries to squirm out from under the mass of fat, Arnold Appleby rushes out from backstage, with a giant chocolate bunny! Immediately, Tubby forgets about the candy, running over to the bunny and filling his mouth with creamy chocolaty goodness.

Before Tubby can suspect any foul play, the sleeping pills kick in, as he falls to the ground with a loud thump. LeQuack then casually strolls over to his fallen body, covering him for the win.

Overall Rating: 39%

Crowd Reaction: 30%

Match Quality: 59%

Overall Rating for Extreme Warfare: 41%