WWE 2005 - A Turn for the Worse?

[Ace]

I Loved it. Triple H-ah should learn to putt people ov-ah before he gets another title run-ah

[Chris the Human]

WWE Poach The Naturals

Most WWE fans might not be taking the TNA threat seriously, but the WWE certainly are, the world's number one pro wrestling promotion dealing a serious body blow to the rising promotion today with the theft of one of their most popular tag teams, The Naturals. Andy Douglas and Chase Stevens were, until the night before TNA's Bound for Glory PPV, NWA Tag Team Champions - and it is believed they will be pushed right into the tag team scene on Raw to feud with teams like MNM, TNT, and whichever other teams the WWE 'trades' between brands.

Heyman Return 'Start of something big'

During a radio interview on the weekend WWE superstar Brock Lesnar let slip that the return of both he and Paul Heyman to WWE television was 'the start of something big'. Whilst the former WWE champion did not elaborate, he did hint that there is more to the angle than just Lesnar's return. Many are already predicting a Brock Lesnar/Batista program, but Lesnar declined to comment on the rumours.

Viscera Released

It came as something of a shock to some WWE fans today when the WWE announced the release of Viscera, who had until recently been forming a fledgling tag team with Val Venis. What this means for Val Venis remains to be seen. With the tag team division being rejuvenated one would have expected the two to naturally step up to feud for the titles, but apparently this wasn't what the WWE had in mind.

Preview

With Edge managing to retain his WWE title against both John Cena and Kurt Angle at Survivor Series, Raw General-Manager Eric Bischoff has announced that there will be a #1 contender's tournament to decide who has the right to challenge Edge. John Cena, Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, Kane, Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, Kurt Angle, and a yet to be revealed eighth person will take part in the tournament to decide who will face Edge at January's Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View

Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels lock horns once more in the #1 contender's tournament

John Cena has Carlito in his way if he intends to make a step towards regaining his WWE title

T.N.T made WWE history when they defeated LOD 2005 at Survivor Series to reunite the tag team belts. Who will step forward to challenge them on Raw?

Victoria makes her first title defence against a pissed off Trish Stratus

Plus we'll see Shelton Benjamin in action against Chris Masters, we'll hear from WWE champion Edge, the Nature Boy Ric Flair, and what repurcussions will arise from Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman's return to the WWE?

[Chris the Human]

“He what?” I was pissed off. I come into work expecting two things: To be able to do my job and to, if I promise a raise, get a blowjob from Sophie. So far Sophie had called in sick, and now I had Dusty Rhodes telling me that Vince McMahon had somehow managed to discover the sanity required to pick up a phone and hire two workers I didn’t want.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Bush. I said Vince has re-hired the…”

“I heard what you said, you ignorant fuck. Get out of my office”.

Dusty Rhodes shambled out. I was tempted to put him in the same God awful polka dots Vince had made him wear after he came crawling back from WCW that first time.

“Sir?” Someone was at my door. I was half tempted to just fire them and relieve some tension. I decided against it, though. That would be one less person I could fire when I got really pissed off. Like when I read the financials and found out we’d lost money last month. How on earth does the WWE lose money? Oh, that’s right, we’re employing dozens of old dinosaurs at inflated salaries and Vince convinced the USA Network to can Heat just as my ideas for it were starting to pan out.

“Yeah, what do you want?”

“It’s time for the show, sir”.

So, today I’ll be sitting front and centre for the show. Nobody ‘out there’ has the faintest idea of who I am, so I’ll sit with the average Joes and watch the show from their perspective.

The Contender’s Tournament

The show kicks off with Eric Bischoff strutting out. Call me crazy, but I like Bischoff, he’s an arrogant shit – just like me. I’ll paraphrase what he said because, well, I didn’t write his script so I don’t know his exact words.

Eric: What a glorious week for Raw! (Mild pop) First we see Edge beat John Cena to gain the championship (boos) and then last night on Survivor Series he did everything he had to do to retain it! John Cena’s had his one free title shot, and now he’s back at the bottom of the pile like the scum he is! (Boos) So, starting tonight there will be an eight man tournament to decide who most deserves a shot at Edge’s title come Royal Rumble in January. Participating in this tournament will be Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, Kane, Kurt Angle, Shawn Michaels, the ‘immortal’ Hulk Hogan, and yes, John Cena (pops). But don’t get your hopes up, people, it’s a tough field and I’m going to make sure Cena has to earn his place starting tonight with a match against the coolest guy on Raw, Carlito!

Having made his point, Bischoff struts right back out. The crowd seem pretty buzzed about the tournament, as they should.

78%

Vince’s Acquisition

Next out are T.N.T, who regale us all with a highlights video of their win over LOD 2005 at Survivor Series. If you were too cheap to pay for the event, basically they united the tag titles thanks to Raw’s latest hiring, MNM. I’m going to be honest here. I like the gimmick for the team, but I don’t like the team. Cade’s fine, I guess, but Murdoch was only given the push because of who he knows. As soon as I take the titles off these guys, they’ll be back to OVW until I can find a use for them.

Anyway, T.N.T are out to gloat about their victory. They laugh at the lack of tag depth on Raw and lay down an open challenge. The fans are probably expecting M.N.M to come out but instead they get… The Headbangers. That’s right. Vince, in his infinite wisdom, has re-hired Mosh & Thrasher.

The formerly popular team come out to a decent response, and they accept T.N.T’s open challenge.

54%

T.N.T. © vs. The Headbangers for the WWE Tag Titles

This is a relatively enjoyable clash between one very experienced tag team and one that’s still quite green. Cade does a good job in ring, whilst Murdoch continues to do his impersonation of a WCW main eventer. The Headbangers are always amusing enough to watch in the ring, and as a result, this isn’t the stinkfest I was expecting. I guess Vince’s insanity isn’t complete. Mosh and Thrasher are in control for a lot of it, and on track for a big upset when they hit part one of the Stage Dive (the powerbomb part), but Murdoch absolutely obliterates Thrasher with the title strap before the move can be completed, and the referee calls for the DQ. T.N.T. flee whilst the Headbangers fire up the crowd. As the redneck pair flee, however, they are blindsided by MNM. The Headbangers rush out to join the brawl and we’ve got a good old fashioned three way brawl.

O: 66 C: 56 M: 77

The Revolution is Coming

The lights flicker out and the big screen shows static. Suddenly the image of Brock Lesnar appears on it with the words ‘The Revolution is Coming’ printed across the bottom. Paul Heyman’s voice is heard.

Heyman: If you won’t let me revolutionise this business from the inside, I’ll do it from the outside. Consider yourself warned.

The fans seem both confused and interested. I, of course, already know what’s happening.

80%

Victoria © vs. Trish Stratus for the WWE Women’s Championship

Before this clash highlights from the four way title match at Taboo Tuesday are played, with the focus being on Mickie James’ unfortunate interference that cost Ashley Massaro a potential win. The match itself is typical female fare, good, but nothing spectacular. Victoria and Trish exchange offence before Victoria manages to get Trish set up for the Widow’s Peek. The former women’s champion manages to get out of the move, but Mickie James has entered the ring and absolutely blasts Victoria with the chair. The referee calls for the DQ, and Trish begins to question Mickie as to why she cost her the match. The segment ends with Trish turning her back on Mickie and storming off in anger.

O: 73 C: 81 M: 56

Flair Signals his Intentions

Next out is Ric Flair. Now Ric, he’s been amusing so far. I’ve got a lot of respect for a guy who is willing to put over up and coming workers, and Ric’s definitely a whore when it comes to that. He’s out to cut one of his priceless promos, this time about his recent victory over Triple H at Survivor Series.

Flair: Wooooooo! The Nature Boy is feelin’ good tonight! (Pop) Do you know why? (Pause) Do you know why? Because The Nature Boy made Triple H tap out like the coward he is! I ended The Game! And you know something, winning it was such a rush. Such a rush. I’ve decided that I’ve got one more championship run left in me, and I’m not going to rest until I get to the top. Whoooo! Ric Flair is going to the top, baby! Woooo! Woooo! Woooo!

The man is crazy.

90%

Shelton Benjamin © vs. Chris Masters for the Intercontinental Title

This is, of course, the result of Chris Masters finishing second on the Taboo Tuesday poll. The fans are remarkably into this one, and maybe that’s an indication that I need to push both of these workers. Truth be told, I’ve got big plans for both parties. Masters starts this one out in control due to his size and strength, but Benjamin plays his usual courageous under-dog, fighting back from seemingly impossible positions and with seemingly impossible moves. Twice Masters attempts to lock in the dreaded Master Lock, and twice Benjamin is able to prevent him from cinching it in. On the second occasion Benjamin is able to hit a snapmare to get Masters out of his comfort zone. A whip and a T-Bone later and he’s completed a come from behind victory over Masters.

O: 74 C: 73 M: 76

Round 4

Kurt Angle is backstage talking with Maria.

Maria: Kurt, tonight you’re in round (counts on her fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4… FOUR! You’re in round four with Shawn Michaels. At the moment it’s 1 all, since you didn’t beat him at Homecoming…

Kurt: What? I didn’t beat Shawn Michaels? I’m pretty sure I made him tap out, Maria. Shawn Michaels got lucky at Homecoming, that’s it. He can prance around talking about being the ‘showstoppa’ all he wants – at the end of the day he’s just an old man with chaps and Peter Pan syndrome.

Shawn Michaels steps in to frame.

HBK: Wo, wo, WO! I’m sensing a lot of negative energy from you, Kurt. Is that (sniffs air) fear I smell on you? You know better than anybody what Sweet Chin Music sounds like, Kurt, and tonight I’m going to give you a private audience with the band.

HBK spins on his heel and leaves. Angle sputters angrily, shoves Maria aside, and goes after HBK.

90%

Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels in the #1 Contender’s Tournament

The fans are justifiably pumped up for this, the kind of match that would usually be held back for a pay-per-view. As far as their battles go, however, it’s considerably less noteworthy. It’s a solid match, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t want to give something away that I could hype up later and throw on a pay-per-view. It’s an enjoyable, fast paced fifteen minute match – with both men exchanging offence and both men hitting their finishers for near falls. The end, however, comes far less dramatically – with Michaels trying to lock Angle’s own hold in on him only to have Angle roll through and pin him with a handful of tights. Angle is quick to leave the ring, holding up two fingers to symbolise that it’s now 2-1 in his favour.

O: 89 C: 92 M: 85

Cena Raps

Backstage with John Cena now. I’m going to break some hearts here, but if you were hoping for a Cena de-push, you’re talking to the wrong guy. A Cena repackaging? Sure, that might happen.

Cena’s got a mike, anyway.

Cena:

Been payin’ my dues and hurtin’ a lot

You think Edge beat me clean?

Dude, you’re smoking too much pot.

The boy’s got a secret weapon, an ace in the hole

I’m talking about his slut girlfriend

The one that he stole.

Well tonight it’s Carlito, the boy… he ‘aint cool

He thinks he’s beating the Cena man?

He can suck on my tool.

The crowd lap it up, even though essentially it’s bad poetry.

83%

John Cena vs. Carlito in the #1 Contender’s Tournament

Now, I’m loathe to use the term ‘squash’ but that’s pretty much what this match is. I love Carlito’s gimmick and his mike skills but, let’s face it, the boy has nothing to offer in the ring. Cena has the fans pumped and, whilst Cena gets off some dirty heel offence, it’s Cena from start to finish in this short but fairly well received main event. After hitting his spinning hip toss and the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Cena hefts Carlito up onto his shoulder for the F-U. He’s unable to finish the move, however, because Edge pulls of a sick Spear as he enters the ring – Cena in a world of hurt with the added weight of Carlito on his shoulders. The referee calls for the DQ, but Edge doesn’t much care, picking the dazed Cena up and hitting the Edgucution on him. The referees come out to break it up but it’s too late. Edge leaves via the crowd, cockily waving the title above his head.

O: 77 C: 79 M: 74

So, as the crowd filter out to take autographs, I head backstage. Was I happy with the show? Not really. It didn’t stand out. Raw might be getting better ratings, but personally I’ve been enjoying Smackdown a lot more. Something needs to be done.

Something drastic.

[Guest U.s_Champ_Mysterio]

I just read through this and its awesome. Love you being an arrogant asshole backstage. Keep it up.

[Reflecto Is My Favorite Poster]

YES!

Now, CWB...*takes out "How to Hypnotize Friends and Really Influence People" book*

Chris...you are getting sleepy...

You will sleep now, and when you wake, you will want to give a mega-push to the Headbangers...

You know you want to...

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know...

(and push The Boogey Man to the World Title...and Brazo de Plata to the Cruiserweight Title...)

[JStarr]

Closed and moved to the deep Web.