WWE: The Suicide Diary

[Guest raze0811]

Note to the Reader:

I just wanted to start this thing off by saying its a good thing I have text files with all my diary posts in them. I felt I was really on a roll in my EWB3 Suicide Diary. I almost shit myself when I realized we were starting from scratch again. Especially since Kobra said he was really enjoying my diary. I mean, Kobra. He like . . . . has Koins named after him and stuff. So anyway, I guess that's all the intro I need. I just wanted to say I hope my diary picks up readership again like it did before.

Here goes . . . . .

[Guest raze0811]

Sunday November 14, 2004

As I stand looking over the edge, I have but one question to ask myself - How did I get here? Was it not that long ago that I had been hailed as a creative genius, who brought about a new, golden era in World Wrestling Entertainment? "Way to go, Raze . . . .," "Raze, that last Smackdown rocked!" those were the kind of statements I was getting seemingly not that long ago.

I guess in a way, it is Vince McMahon's fault. After all, everything is. The man is the Devil. No seriously, I walked in his office unexpectedly one time and saw him without the Vince McMahon mask on. He was pissed, and it looked like he would cast me into Hell, but then he remembered that he needed me here on Earth and tried to convince me that the Devil face was the mask. Whatever. I don't care about that. Nor is that the reason I am standing atop Titan Towers this evening, about to take my own life. I just thought it was an interesting little fact about Vinnie Mac that most people suspect but nobody can actually prove.

Anyway, look at me, rambling off in my own mind. As I was saying it is probably Vince's fault. I mean, after the horrible way Triple H died, Vince was never the same. Hardly any of us are. I mean, I can still barely get the image out of my mind. And if A-Train winning the WWE Title was not a sign that the apocalypse was upon us, then I don't know what was. But I guess I am getting ahead of myself . . . . I have nothing but time before I jump, so I might as well analyze my situation properly, I guess. I sort of owe it to myself to know exactly why I am jumping instead of just jumping.

No, this was a story years in the making, but for my purposes, the real story within the story begins on October 1, 2003. Just 13 months and 13 days (13? Hmm, now it all makes sense) prior to now. That was the day I became the new head writer and booker for WWE. That was also the day that I witnessed something that has haunted me to this day. I am shuddering just thinking about it.

Anyway, like all great stories, this one begins with two naked women wrestling in oil.

Tuesday September 30, 2003

I went to some strip club near my house on Lady's Oil Wrestling Night. I saw a lot of tits. Okay, so the real story begins tomorrow, but this is such a better opening.

Wednesday October 1, 2003

In retrospect, the suicide of head WWE writer Brian Gerwitz should have been a sign for what I was getting myself into. A little foreshadowing here, but the guy -- get this - -jumped off of Titan Towers!! Not one for originality, when I made up my mind to follow suit I just used his idea. Pretty poetic, huh? Anyway - -

Vince McMahon's secretary could not be bothered. I told her I was there for the interview. She did not even look up, nor could she be troubled to buzz Vince. She just waved her hand at me and went back to her phone conversation; evidently much more interested in how "Katrina" had found out her husband was cheating on her after he contracted crabs in his facial hair. Aggravated, I just walked into his office.

Okay, God must want to teach me the error of my ways and pay me back for going to the strip club. Right there in the middle of the office is one of those little kiddy pools, and it is filled with -you guessed it: OIL!! And who would be in that pool full of oil? Well, none other than Vince McMahon himself and his favorite soon to be son in law, Michael Levesque, aka Triple H. In Speedos. At this particular moment, Vince had Triple H in a rear waist lock.

Vince:

“Ahh ha!! You're going down, bitch!! This'll teach ya to call me out! “

Triple H:

“Talk dirty to me, daddy!!”

As I stand there unseen, Triple H reverses the waist lock and throws Vinnie Mack down and straddles him, and begins lightly slapping his face.

Triple H:

“Say uncle!! Say uncle!!”

From the reception area, the secretary's voice rises to a pig-like squeal.

Secretary:

“So you actually emailed naked pictures of him to all of his coworkers!!!”

Vince and son in law take no notice. Vince tries to squirm from under Triple H, who then begins tickling him.

Vince:

“Ooh, stop. I'm Vince McMahon, dammit!! I'm Vince McMahon!!!”

I have had enough. I clear my throat. Vince looks over.

Vince:

“What in the purple blazing hazes!!!”

Me:

“My name is Raze. I had the 5:30 interview for the head writer job.”

Vince:

“It's only 4:30!!!!!!!!”

I look at my watch. FUCK, he's right.

Vince:

“You know, if word about what you are seeing right now got out, it could ruin me. And break my daughter's heart. You see, Michael here is only marrying Stephanie so he can be closer to me. It wouldn't look right if I left Linda for him, you see.”

Triple H nudges Vince in his ribs.

Triple H:

“Umm, he doesn't need to know that, Papa Bear!!!”

Me:

“Papa bear?!?”

Triple H:

“I'll break you in half, you little punk!! I am that damn good!!”

Me:

“Whatever you say, Papa Bear.”

Vince:

“Children, please. Like I was saying before little nuggly wuggly - - I mean, Michael- - here interrupted me is that this could be bad. Umm, what say I just give you this job, provided you sign a confidentiality form. How's that?”

Me:

“Don't you want to know anything about me?”

Vince:

“No.”

Me:

“Maybe I can't write worth a damn.”

Vince:

“Have you been watching WWE? I don't think anybody will notice.”

Me:

“I need 7 figures yearly. And I want full creative control and I want to decide on contracts, and hiring and firings.”

Vince:

“Done!!!”

I couldn't believe my good fortune. I walked out of Vince McMahon's office with a $1,000,000 per year head writer job and full creative control over the biggest wrestling promotion in the world. When I got to my car, I flipped open my cell phone and called Linda McMahon.

Me:

“Yeah, Linda. I have nothing to report. Clean as a whistle so far.”

That's right, you guessed it!! Yours truly started the day off as a $15,000 per year private detective hired by Linda McMahon to either prove or disprove her theory that Vince McMahon and Triple H were sleeping together. I was only going on the interview to get close. I like wrestling and all, but had no intention of taking the job even in the unlikely chance that it was offered to me. But for the salary Vince was willing to pay, in the words of Steve Austin, "OH HELL YEAH!!!!" Life is good. Too bad I'm gonna take mine now.

Oh yeah, by the way - - Vince isn't really the Devil. I made that part up. It just sort of sounded cool. Just thought I would clear that up before I jump.

Edited May 12, 2004 by raze0811

[Guest Sean O'Haire]

Haha, Vince is gay with HHH. That gave me a laugh.

[TheArsenal]

This is great!!!

[Guest raze0811]

Sunday November 14, 2004

I stood a little closer to the ledge and truly wanted to get it over with. But all that thinking about the past, well I don’t know if I am just trying to delay the inevitable or if this is my version of having my life flash before my eyes. Either way, it sort of got me feeling nostalgic, and I found I was not yet ready to take the plunge. Instead, my mind drifted back to that fateful day a year ago when Vince hired me to become the head writer and talent guy for WWE.

Thursday October 2, 2003

Some young intern I bumped into in the hall asked me if we could bring back DX. I said sure, but only if they were willing to invade WCW again. She got real excited and skipped away. I watched after her carefully as she went – to make sure that she was truly gone. She scared me, she really did.

Later I was expected to meet with the rest of the creative geniuses who bring the WWE product to us on a weekly basis. I had only been the writer for one day. The September 29 episode of RAW had been cancelled due to the suicide of Brian Gerwitz, as had the September 25th episode of Smackdown, due to there not actually being a script to go with. There had been talk of pre-emptying tonight’s Smackdown episode so that UPN could run a 2-hour live episode of “The Mullets.” Thankfully, the stars of that show were assassinated shortly after the announcement. Smackdown was still on for the night. It would be a live show from now on.

At about noon Vince ushered me into the conference room with the other WWE writers. I noticed to my dismay that the young girl whom I had assumed was an intern was in the meeting.

Girl:

“He said we could bring back DX.”

Immediately there were rumblings. Vince looked at me crazily. I shrugged.

Me:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is of course my first meeting with you all as head writer of the WWE. I intend to really turn things around for this company. What Papa Bear - -err, Mr. McMahon tells me is that you all like to do thinks a certain way around here, and you have your favorite wrestlers like Test and A-Train and Big Show. Well, I don’t want to step on any toes, but - - Fuck that.”

Girl:

“So, will DX be on tonight’s episode of Smackdown? Or next week?”

Me:

“First of all, I took a few liberties and hired some new talent for the promotion that I believe would really work out for us. Tonight I plan to debut AJ Styles, and on RAW I will re-debut Raven. Also, I plan to pretty much re-work the storylines into a new direction, kind of shake things up a bit. Furthermore - - “

I lost my train of thought as something disturbing happened. The visual in my head of Vince McMahon and Triple H oil wrestling in Speedos hit me like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately, it would not be the last time this happened. That was probably the beginning of my road to the top of Titan Towers, more than a year in advance.

Everybody was looking at me funny. Except for the young female writer - She was asking the guy next to her about whether DX should come back as faces or heels.

I cleared my throat. I also decided not to mention the other three talents I had signed. There would be time for that at the next meeting. I wanted to lay my plan out for the Smackdown card first.

Me:

“As you all know, we have to get the WWE site updated to show the confirmed matches for tonight. This will of course only be a few confirmed matches as a teaser, but this is what I have so far - -“

SMACKDOWN!! (Live)  -  October 2 Preview

United States Title Match:

Eddie Guerrere© vs John Cena

Rey Mysterio vs Rhyno

Shaniqua vs Shelton Benjamin

A few eyes lit up when I mentioned that last match, and some accusatory glances got thrown around. I told the other writers that the match was as much to dispel a growing number of internet rumors as it was anything else. A few nods at that.

Me:

“Now, I guess since we are in fact a team, let’s throw some ideas around for future angles and maybe even angles for tonight. What do you have?”

Tommy Cornell:

“Well how about another Chris Benoit versus A-Train match, but this one can be a Hair versus Back Hair match?”

Me:

“Crap.”

Benton Frasier:

“ How about a pregnancy angle with Torrie Wilson, except she doesn’t know if the father is Jamie Noble or Billy Gunn?”

Me:

“Crap.”

Benton Frasier:

“But the father could turn out to be Nidia, revealing that she has a penis!!”

Me:

“Crap.”

Benton Frasier:

“But she could give birth to a hand!!!”

Me:

“Okay, thank you all for your time. I’ll be in my office.”

Edited May 12, 2004 by raze0811

[Guest :shifty:]

Benton Frasier:

“ How about a pregnancy angle with Torrie Wilson, except she doesn’t know if the father is Jamie Noble or Billy Gunn?”

Me:

“Crap.”

Benton Frasier:

“But the father could turn out to be Nidia, revealing that she has a penis!!”

Me:

“Crap.”

Benton Frasier:

“But she could give birth to a hand!!!”

What more could I say?

Eddie Guerrere© vs John Cena

Rey Mysterio vs Rhyno

Shaniqua vs Shelton Benjamin(Somehow, she is going to win...)

Edit - Had problems with quoting.

Edited May 12, 2004 by not_ur_average_thug

[Guest raze0811]

Thursday October 2, 2003

Pyros welcome us to the first Smackdown to air since the show switched to a live time slot. Our announcers are Michael Cole and Tazz. The opening of the show replays the ending of our most recent episode of Smackdown, as Brock Lesnar defeated Kurt Angle to win the WWE World Title for the third time in his short WWE career.

Segment 1: The Challenge (Rating: 79%)

“DEAD MAN WALKING!!!!”

The crowd comes to its feet as Undertaker’s theme hits and the Deadman himself appears on the ramp, revving the engine of his motorcycle. He gives his trademark salute and peels off, driving toward the ring, where he drives a slow circle around it before parking in the aisle. Undertaker removes his shades and places them in a pocket of his leather jacket and climbs the steel steps, gesturing for a microphone. As his music fades out, the crowd gradually goes quiet.

Undertaker:

“I was going to come out here and make a fuss and curse a lot but I thought better of it.”

The crowd boos.

Undertaker:

“Instead, I want to be the first to publicly congratulate our new WWE Champion, Brock Lesnar!!!!”

The crowd boos some more.

Undertaker:

“I want to congratulate Brock not for actually winning the title, but for instead guaranteeing that he will become the next victim of the Last Ride!!!”

Finally, the crowd cheers.

Undertaker:

“You see Brock, I know damn good and well that I am the one who should be wearing that title right now. You cheated me out of my win, but I had the respect for the title to not show my face in your match. The way I see it, you owe me.”

The crowd breaks out into a “TAKER!!!! TAKER!!!!” chant.

Suddenly, Brock’s theme hits and the Champion emerges on the ramp with a microphone of his own, wearing the title belt and a shit eating grin on his face.

Brock Lesnar:

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down Deadman. I was near the entrance here, and I thought I heard you say my name so I came a little closer. And then I heard you whining about this title – my title. And I said to myself – Brock!!!! Get your ass out there before this guy goes and starts spitting off at the mouth about his yard, and how he’s the big dog that runs the yard and all that crap.”

The crowd breaks into a chant of “YOU TAPPED OUT!!! YOU TAPPED OUT!!!”

Undertaker:

“You know damn well whose yard this is. I don’t need to remind you.”

The crowd cheers again.

Brock Lesnar:

“You do remember our Hell in the Cell match, don’t you? But I guess if you need a reminder you need a reminder. Let’s just cut this short okay? You and me, tonight! In that ring! My World Title on the line!”

The crowd cheers as Undertaker accepts. Brock backs through the curtain and Undertaker plays to the crowd before leaving on his motorcycle.

Tazz:

“I would not want to be the bookie trying to place odds on that match, Cole! No telling what will happen when those behemoths hop in the ring!”

Michael Cole: :

“Correct you are, Tazz. Now up next we have a Four Corners match to determine a challenger to face Rey Mysterio next week on Smackdown for the Cruiserweight Title!”

Segment 2 : Four Corners Match (Rating: 68%)

Scotty 2 Hotty vs Ultimo Dragon vs Spanky vs Funaki

All four men got decent pops, especially Ultimo Dragon, who received quite an ovation. As expected, the match was fast and intense. At the opening bell, it looked like all four men were being reserved and laid back, but that changed soon enough.

As they circled each other, Ultimo finally went for a dropkick on Scotty 2 Hotty, who dodged. As soon as Ultimo hit the mat, Spanky delivered a standing senton on him. Scotty 2 Hotty turned as Funaki flew through the air and took him out with a flying body press. The rest of the match consisted of fast action and a lot of jumping. At one point, Scotty 2 Hotty was on his hands and knees in the ring trying to recover from an assault, and Ultimo Dragon was on the outside of the ring getting to his feet after having been thrown over. Spanky ran at full sprint, used Scotty’s back as a stepping stone, and delivered a flying scissors kick to Ultimo on the outside. Not to be forgotten, Funaki went to the top rope and jumped, taking out both Spanky and Ultimo as they got back to their feet. Scotty went to the outside and threw Ultimo in the ring, hoping to be able to finish him off. Scotty started the Worm, which got a huge pop until Spanky slid in, came up behind and hit him with THE BIG SPANK. Spanky got the cover to win the match and earn the rights to face Rey Mysterio next week on Smackdown.

Segment 3: Problems with the Boss (Rating: 80%)

The crowd popped slightly as Stephanie McMahon was shown in her office, examining her breasts in her office mirror. She turned first one way and then the other and then there was a knock at her door.

Stephanie McMahon:

“Come in.”

The crowd boos when Shelton Benjamin walks into the office.

Stephanie McMahon:

“What can I do for you, Shelton?”

Shelton Benjamin:

Yo, why am I booked to take on Shaniqua? I don’t wanna fight no girl tonight! I got a reputation!

Stephanie McMahon:

“I’m sorry, Shelton. There’s a feedback link on the WWE website, and 85% of the feedback we received demanded a match between you and Shaniqua. We’re just giving the fans here in Milwaukee Wisconsin what they want!”

The crowd reacts to the obvious attempt for a cheap pop.

Tazz:

“Mick Foley is way better at just throwing that in there, Cole!”

Michael Cole:

“I am inclined to agree, Tazz.”

Shelton Benjamin:

“Look, I’m not fighting Shaniqua!”

Stephanie McMahon:

“What’s the matter, Shelton? Are you afraid she won’t show up for the match, or that she will show up and you won’t? Are you afraid of what it might imply if the two of you are not seen at the same time?”

Shelton Benjamin:

“Why would I be afraid of that?”

Stephanie McMahon:

“Look, I’m the General Manager here, not you. And you are getting in that ring with Shaniqua tonight! Now I don’t care if you fight her or not, just get in the ring with her so we can all clearly see both of you and we can finally dispel some of these internet rumors.”

Shelton Benjamin:

“What internet rumors?”

Stephanie McMahon:

“You haven’t heard the rumors?”

Shelton Benjamin:

“No, what rumors, yo?”

Stephanie McMahon:

“Nevermind. Just show up for the match.”

{Commercial Break 1}

Commercial 1: Stacker 2 Commercial featuring Big Show riding on a fire engine and him getting to play with the sirens. Ends with Big Show chasing the firefighters around, with the firehose on full blast.

Commercial 2: TV spot for “the Rundown,” starring The Rock.

Commercial 3: Commercial for the Mullets.

Commercial 4: Commercial for Droese’s Garage

{End Commercial Break}

Segment 4: Interview with Rhyno (Rating: 86%)

Back from the commercial break, the TitanTron lit up again, this time with an anonymous corridor backstage. Marc Lloyd is standing by with Rhyno, who looks absolutely incensed.

Marc Lloyd:

“Rhyno, 2 weeks ago on Smackdown you were pinned by Rey Mysterio during a Tag Team match where - -“

Rhyno snatches the microphone from Marc Lloyd.

Rhyno:

“I talk. You listen.”

Marc Lloyd:

“Okay.”

Rhyno:

“Two weeks ago you saw a fluke. The kind of fluke that occurs when somebody as great as me is forced to team with some worthless foreigner like Tajiri. As bad as I want Chris Benoit in that ring, I feel like I need to avenge that loss. That is why tonight I will be facing Rey Mysterio.”

Marc Lloyd:

“Tonight? I guess you did not hear then.”

Rhyno:

“Hear what?!?”

Marc Lloyd:

“Your match is not on for tonight any longer. Rey Mysterio had a family emergency and will not be here tonight. Stephanie McMahon moved the match back to No Mercy. You will be fighting Rey Mysterio on Pay Per View on October 19.”

Rhyno:

“October 19? I wanted to settle this tonight. I was hoping to face Chris Benoit at No Mercy. I should kick Stephanie’s ass. But somehow this may work out. It should give me some time to really have some fun with that little runt.”

Rhyno laughs menacingly as he walks away.

Segment 5: Tag Team Title Match (Rating: 75%)

Los Guerreros© vs Jamie Noble and Billy Gunn

Jamie Noble started this thing off opposite Chavo Guerrero. Noble delivered several blows to the head before Chavo whipped him to the ropes and took him down following a leap frog over his charging opponent and then a dropkick to the face. Chavo tagged in Eddie, who received a huge pop as he jumped in the ring. Eddie went to work on Chavo, including the obligatory attempt at a Five Star Frog Splash that Noble rolled clear of just in the nick in the time. A tag brought in Billy Gunn, who lost momentum for his team when Eddie surprised him with a takedown by the head. Tag to Chavo, Los Guerreros delivered a double team back body drop to Gunn. Gunn tried to make a tag, blocked by Chavo who put him in a Victory Roll for a mere 2 count. Billy tried again to make a tag, but was dropkicked from behind by Chavo, and he flew into Jamie Noble, knocking him from the apron to the arena barricade. Chavo was able to deliver the Brainbuster onto Billy Gunn to secure the win.

After the match, Gunn looked like he was trying to apologize to Noble, who just shook his head and walked away.

Segment 6: An Open Challenge (Rating: 90%)

The fans pop as Chris Benoit’s theme hits. Benoit makes his way to the ring with a microphone to address the fans.

Chris Benoit:

“I know you are all disappointed that I will not be taking on Rhyno at Unforgiven. I wish it could be otherwise, but unfortunately I am not the one who makes the decisions around here. That is not what I get paid for. What I get paid to do is wrestle, and I think I do a damn good job at it.”

The fans cheer in agreement.

Chris Benoit:

“But I will not get left off of this Pay Per View. I expect Rhyno and Rey Mysterio to be one hell of a match, but I need an opponent of my own.”

Suddenly, a newcomer slides into the ring from behind Chris Benoit, wielding a steel chair.

Tazz:

“That’s AJ Styles!! What is AJ Styles doing here?”

AJ Styles wallops Chris Benoit in the head with the chair, putting him on the mat. As Benoit tries to recover, Styles hits him with the chair over and over again, before throwing it aside and stomping him repeatedly. The fans really start to boo, but give a spot cheer when Styles throws Benoit out of the ring to the arena floor. AJ Styles picks up the microphone.

AJ Styles:

“What perfect timing, Benoit out here to issue an open challenge, and me coming out here to make an impact. I know you can’t hear me right now, Benoit, but when you wake up, and you rewind the tape from tonight to see exactly what it was that happened to you, and you see my face and hear my words, I want you to think long and hard about what awaits you at Unforgiven. It is a little move I like to call the STYLES CLASH!!!!

The fans boo as AJ Styles throws the mic down and leaves the ring, kicking Benoit in the side as he walks back up the ramp.

{Commercial Break 2}

Commercial 1: Stacker 2 Commercial featuring Triple H in the gym

Commercial 2: Commercial for Irwin’s Taxes

Commercial 3: Second TV Spot for “the Rundown,” starring the Rock

Commercial 4: Commercial for WWE Unforgiven on PPV, October 19

{End Commercial Break}

Segment 7: Interview with a Monster (Rating: 74%)

Backstage, Marc Lloyd is standing by again, this time with Brock Lesnar, who does not quite meet the camera. Instead he looks left and right, making monster faces and flexing his shoulders.

Marc Lloyd:

“Brock Lesnar, you accepted a challenge tonight from the Undertaker. Do you agree that, barring your interference in his title match against Kurt Angle, he would right now be the WWE Champion?”

Brock Lesnar:

“WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!?!? No, I do not agree. I totally disagree! I in no way support that opinion, Marc. You see, whether Undertaker would have won or lost is inconsequential. I would have just beaten Undertaker for the title 2 weeks ago had Undertaker beaten Kurt Angle 3 weeks ago. I don’t care who I beat anymore!! I don’t care if it is Kurt Angle, or that big crybaby the Undertaker. I will beat anybody! I am a monster dammit!!!”

Marc Lloyd:

“Yes, so you remind us every chance you get.”

Brock Lesnar:

“Is that sarcasm, Lloyd?”

Marc Lloyd:

“Do you at least feel any remorse about any of your recent actions?”

Brock Lesnar gets right up in Marc’s face with his eyes wide and a wicked grin on his face.

Brock Lesnar:

“Do I look like I am second-guessing myself, Marc? DO I look like I’m having anything other than the time of my life?”

Marc Lloyd:

“Well, no actually.”

Brock Lesnar:

“Well there you have it. Maybe you would like proof. Would you like me to do to you what I did to Zach Gowen 2 weeks ago?”

Marc Lloyd:

“Actually, no. I would rather not.”

Brock Lesnar:

“So there is some intelligence in that head of yours. Very interesting. I underestimated you. But one person I do not underestimate is the Undertaker. I have battled him before. I destroyed him like I have everybody else I have ever faced. In HIS OWN MATCH. He has absolutely no chance tonight. No chance in hell.”

Segment 8: United States Title Match (Rating: 80%)

Eddie Guerrero© vs John Cena

Tazz:

“Cole, this match could be the finale to this recent animosity we have been seeing between Eddie Guerrero and John Cena. There is some definite hatred here.”

Michael Cole:

“But will it be a factor that Eddie already wrestled once tonight, having to defend his Tag Team Championship against Billy Gunn and Jamie Noble?”

Eddie Guerrero made his way to the ring in a suped up Chevy Impala, much to the delight of the fans. Eddie hopped out the car, slid in the ring and immediately tackled John Cena. The match was intense at the outset. Cena rolled around and got on top of Eddie and began punching him, only to have Eddie roll around and do the same thing. They eventually made their way back to their feet and battled into the corner. Cena raked the eyes and shoved Eddie into the turnbuckles and delivered several shoulder rams. Cena then performed a snapmare takedown and a kick to the back of the head, but Eddie soon battled back with a German suplex. Eddie mounted an offensive that culminated in a suplex attempt from the apron that resulted in Cena suplexing Eddie back into the ring. Cena whipped Eddie to the ropes but Eddie reversed and on the rebound he tossed Cena over the top rope by the head. Eddie tried to go after him but the ref tried to force him to the center of the ring. Meanwhile, Cena grabbed his chains and wrapped them around his fist. Eddie walked past the ref and grabbed Cena by the head from inside the ring, leaning over the top rope to do so. Cena bashed Eddie in the face with the chain, which the ref could not see because Eddie was blocking his view of Cena. Cena dropped the chains, rolled in the ring, and made the cover to win the United States Title. Cena took the title and hauled it from the ring before Eddie could get up and come after him.

{Commercial Break 3}

Commercial 1: Third TV spot of the night for “The Rundown,” starring the Rock

Commercial 2: Burger King – Debut of a new catchphrase for Burger King: Eat a Whopper Today!!

Commercial 3: Hype commercial for WrestleMania XX

Commercial 4: Stacker 2 Presents the Boot of the Week – “. . .Scotty 2 Hotty was on his hands and knees in the ring trying to recover from an assault, and Ultimo Dragon was on the outside of the ring getting to his feet after having been thrown over. Spanky ran at full sprint, used Scotty’s back as a stepping stone, and delivered a flying scissors kick to Ultimo on the outside . . .”

{End Commercial Break}

Segment 9: All American Arrival (Rating: 83%)

Back from the break, the crowd popped ecstatically to see none other than Kurt Angle appear as he made his way to the arena, wearing wind pants with a solid white colored muscle shirt, along with his red athletic jacket with the hood. Kurt watches the ground as he walks, and his expression remains entirely serious.

Tazz:

“Well, Kurt Angle is here, but why? He was not even scheduled for tonight.

Michael Cole:

“I feel like a Snickers bar. Do you?”

Segment 10: Match

Shelton Benjamin vs Shaniqua

Shelton Benjamin made his way to the ring without his tag team partner Charlie Haas. He slid in the ring and got on the microphone.

Shelton Benjamin:

“Just get out here, girl. I don’t wanna fight you. Just give Stephanie what she wants and get out here just so we can all go home.”

Shaniqua’s music hits, but she appears on the TitanTron instead, with Doug Basham standing nearby.

Tazz:

“What is she doing on the screen? She should be in the ring!”

Shaniqua:

“Not quite, Benjamin. I know you’re still mad about losing the Tag Team Titles to Los Guerreros and I would not put it past you to hit a woman. Not that I would mid kicking your ass, but I just don’t have time for you. But here’s a consolation prize - -“

Suddenly Danny Basham runs out to the ring and attacks. Shelton is able to fend him off with some amateur style takedowns, a few suplexes, and finally a SuperKick to seal the victory as he went on to cover Basham for the pinfall victory.

{Commercial Break 4}

Commercial 1: Behind the Scenes TV Spot for “The Rundown,” starring The Rock

Commercial 2: Second TV commercial of the night for Burger King. Eat a Whopper Today!!

Commercial 3: TV Spot for “Cabin Fever” movie.

Commercial 4: Tribute commercial to the assassinated cast members of TV’s “The Mullets.”

Segment 11: World Title Match (Rating: 77%)

Brock Lesnar© vs The Undertaker

“DEAD MAN WALKING!!!”

The crowd goes wild as Undertaker’s theme hits and Undertaker rides to the ring on his motorcycle. Out next is the WWE Champion, Brock Lesnar, who performed his typical workout stance on the ramp before walking swiftly to the ring.

Brock was still wearing the WWE title as he attacked. He nailed Undertaker with several punches, but Undertaker battled back with punches and the two men went toe to toe in the center of the ring until Brock took over with a knee to the midsection. Undertaker bent over forward and Brock slammed him to the mat with a big clothesline. Brock threw his title to the mat. Brock picked Taker up and delivered a Sidewalk Slam but only got a 2 count. Brock pulled Taker up again, but Taker countered with blows to the stomach and then shoved him forcefully into the corner, face first. Undertaker clubbed Brock on the back of the head, and then walked the top rope Old School style, but Brock yanked him off the rope and sent him crashing back to the mat.

Brock was setting up for a piledriver onto the title belt but Taker stood up and flipped him over his back. Taker dropped several fists to Lesnar’s face and then locked on an armbar. There was some back and forth submission wrestling for two minutes, finally seeing its culmination when Undertaker broke a bearhug and chokeslammed Lesnar to the mat. The crowd popped like crazy as Taker went for the pin but Lesnar kicked out. Taker called for the Last Ride, but when he went to set Lesnar up for it. Lesnar gouged his eye and kicked him in the face. Lesnar went for the F5 but Taker slid down his back to safety and then shoved him into the ropes. Lesnar came back strong with a big clothesline but Taker ducked and Lesnar leveled the referee.

With no referee, Brock began blatantly choking Taker. Taker spit in Brock’s face, got a big pop for it, and then went for the chokeslam again. Brock kicked Taker between the legs and then shoved him to the mat and began taunting him to get up as Taker continued to do so. Suddenly, Kurt Angle rushed to the ring wielding a steel chair. He slid in the ring and Brock spun to face him. Taker had just gotten to his feet. Angle swung the chair, but Lesnar ducked and Angle inadvertently hit Taker in the face instead. Lesnar delivered the F5 to Kurt Angle, who fell out of the ring after the impact. Lesnar pulled Taker up and delivered the F5 onto the chair, as the ref was waking. Lesnar made the cover to retain the WWE Title.

Post match, Lesnar left the ringside area as Angle slid back in the ring to attack again. Angle made eye contact with Lesnar, but it was Taker who spun Angle around and delivered the Chokeslam to him, irate at having lost the match presumably because of Angle’s interference. Undertaker stood over Angle’s prone body staring at Brock Lesnar as Smackdown went off the air.

QUICK RESULTS:

Spanky d. Scotty 2 Hotty, Ultimo Dragon, Funaki

Tag Title: Los Guerreros© d. Jamie Noble & Billy Gunn

U.S. Title: John Cena d. Eddie Guerrero©

Shelton Benjamin d. Danny Basham

WWE Title: Brock Lesnar© d. The Undertaker

Edited May 12, 2004 by raze0811

[Guest raze0811]

Saturday October 4, 2003

It was just one more of several disturbing images that I have witnessed in my brief tenure as head WWE writer. Everybody was impressed with the overall success of Smackdown, my first show at the creative center of the stage. I had been asked to meet with Vince McMahon in his office. I had seen very little of him in the past week, so I could only assume he wanted to congratulate me.

So I was standing in front of his secretary again, waiting (im)patiently while she discussed the color of her rash over the phone to somebody I could only hope was a doctor. Funny, I was unaware that rashes came in green. I started to chime in with my two cents on the situation and thought better of it. That was when she leaned forward and her low cut blouse pulled away a little bit. I got a nice view of just where that rash was located. Not pretty at all. It was like looking at a damn French woman who dyed her chest hair green.

Anyway, I decided “What the Hell” and went into Vince McMahon’s office without being announced. Big mistake. You would think I would have learned from the last time. Wrong.

At first I did not see anything. The office seemed to be empty. Then I heard a loud bump from nearby. My first impression was that Vince was being attacked. His office curved around to a small corridor with a water cooler and a bathroom, and that is where the bump had come from. I rounded the corner and could hear the sounds of a struggle in the bathroom. I flung open the bathroom door. Out spilled a sweaty, naked mess. First Triple H. Then Vince.

And then Hardcore Holly. It was more than I could take. Triple H landed hard with the other two men on top of him and started screaming about his back. Vince was yelling for Holly to get his knee out of his side, and Holly was yelling that he had almost been “there.”

I tried to run from the office before they noticed me but then Vince screamed at me.

Vince:

“Dammit, Raze!!! What are you doing here?”

Me:

Sorry to catch you in the act again, Vince. But you said you wanted to see me at Noon.

Vince:

“Dammit, Raze, it is only 10:30 AM!!!!!!”

I checked my watch. Shit, he was right again. I really needed to start watching the time a little more closely. Suddenly it all seemed to make sense why every time I went to see a movie I always seemed to show up when the ushers were still cleaning up the popcorn and candy from the previous show.

Needless to say I got the hell out of there. I later found out that Triple H’s back was indeed injured. He was out for a month. Hardcore Holly would be out for 3 months. On a positive note however I found out that Batista was cleared to wrestle again, as was Booker T. Well, who is going to miss Triple H and Hardcore Holly?

Sunday November 14, 2004

~~ Well here we are again. A cool breeze has stirred up the late night chill and my teeth are chattering. As I stand facing my own mortality, reflecting on that fateful Saturday morning in October of last year, it makes me want to jump right this very second. I mean, who would not want to kill themselves after that? I had seen Vince McMahon, Triple H, and Hardcore Holly naked! At the same time! I was truly a haunted man more so than ever.

With that thought I prepare to end it. I can still see it so vividly. I will jump now. But then again, I have barely scratched the surface of my story. Even if I am only replaying this story in my head. I still have not covered the truly bizarre events that occurred later in my career, like the string of bizarre deaths that plagued the company in January of 2004, or even the wedding fiasco that was Triple H’s tying of the knot with Stephanie McMahon. There is so much more to relive. I think I will just step back from the ledge now and go over it some more, maybe try to find a little more meaning to all of this. Anyway, it is going to be a hell of a ride. Stick with me. ~~

[Guest Sean O'Haire]

The Smackdown was good, I liked it. Your meetins with Vince are gold, and your suicide thing is interesting. Keep it up.

[TheArsenal]

The meetings with Vince are funny......but from now on I'm remembering not to eat too soon before I read this.

[Guest raze0811]

Monday October 6, 2003

In an effort to try to smooth things over with me, Vince McMahon suggested that the three of us (Triple H had to come along too) go for a little drive around the town. RAW tonight was coming from Uncasville, Connecticut, so it was not exactly the most interesting drive around.

We ended up at some place called the Tantaquidgeon Indian Museum. I was not exactly looking forward to this, but what could I say? As we walked around the museum, checking out artifacts that had been left behind by the Mohegan Indians, Vince’s eyes suddenly went wide.

Vince:

“Hey, we should get somebody on the roster with a Native American gimmick.”

Me:

“Vince – Do you remember Tatanka?

Vince:

“Tatan - - - oh yeah. Him. What is he doing these days? I want you to sign him.”

Me:

“No way Vince, you said I had complete control over talent acquisition. No Tatanka.”

Vince:

“Dammit boy, do you know who you are talking to? I’m Vince McMahon, dammit!! And I want Tatanka!”

Me:

“Yeah, and Kelly Andrews wants freakin’ DX to reform.”

Triple H:

“Hell no, I’m not carrying those guys anymore.

Me:

“Relax. There’s not going to be any reformation of DX. Vince, signing Tatanka would just be plain stupid. Come on, I am still trying to work with the crap that Gerwitz left behind. I can’t wait to clear the air of these angles he was running so I can lay down some of my own ideas.”

Triple H:

“Lay down? What exactly is laying down?”

Me:

“I didn’t think you would get it. But its part of my job.”

Triple H:

“I don’t job.”

Me:

“I FUCKING KNOW THAT, OKAY!!!!! You don’t job and you don’t want to carry DX!! Now, may I make my point?!? “

Vince:

“You have the floor. Ooh, look an arrowhead. Okay, when you sign Tatanka back, sign another Native American and name him Arrowhead. I want a big guy. A really big Native American.”

Me:

“VINCE!!!!! I’m working on a list of people we have to let go as it is! I just hired five new guys to fill out the roster a little bit! Signing Tatanka and some guy to take on the role of this Arrowhead persona is going to be counter productive.”

Vince:

“I can see it now!! The Dudley Boyz versus Tatanka and Arrowhead – No Wait!!! The Dudley Boyz versus The Crazy Indians in a TAC match!! Tables, arrows, and chairs!!! Smell the buyrate!! Smell it!!”

Triple H:

“I don’t like it.”

Vince:

“Why the hell not?!?”

Triple H:

“It might take some attention away from me!”

Vince:

“Good point. We’re going to have to refine that idea a little bit, but we are getting somewhere!”

Me:

“For Fucking Crying Out Loud!!!!!! A TAC match?!? Did you just say a TAC match. Vince, come on. We are just getting started with my tenure here. You are going to make me look like a joke to the IWC guys. Have you ever been to the EWB? They are going to trash this idea and talk really bad about me. They are going to compare me to Brian Gerwitz!!!! Vince, I hate this idea!!!!!”

Vince:

“Good, then it’s settled. Get me Tatanka and Arrowhead as soon as you can.”

I have never been happier to leave any place in my life as I was to leave that museum. But Vince was not done yet. He insisted that we just drive around and talk some more and “feel each other out” a little more. A joke pertaining to Vince and Triple H “feeling each other out” was on the tip of my tongue but I held it back. I knew if I had to convince him about Tatanka not being the answer to the WWE’s problems, then I would have to try to not piss him off unnecessarily.

Vince:

“So what was the deal with Lance Storm on HEAT last night?”

Me:

“What do you mean?”

Vince:

“I mean, what is this crap with him turning against Goldust? I was trying to make a funny babyface out of him.”

Me:

“I know Vince, but I thought the funny babyface angle sucked on Lance Storm. This man can be a big star, but reducing him to a caricature is not going to get him there.”

Vince:

“Oh boy. I can see I made a mistake hiring you.”

Me:

“You check out the buyrates for the next couple of PPVs and let’s see if hiring me was a mistake or not.”

Triple H:

“Hey, Vince, stop at this chicken place up here. I’m fucking hungry.”

Vince:

“This one on the left?”

Triple H:

“No, the one on the right.”

Vince:

“Oh, that one.”

Me:

“So anyway, Vince, listen to me carefully. Bringing in more old talent is not solving a damn thing. Think back to the Attitude era. The WWE crafted a whole army of new stars, that is what made it so fresh and exciting. That is what we need to do again. Keep working with our own guys, you know? Stars of yesteryear are not going to help.”

Vince:

“Tatanka equals Buyrates, George. You better remember that. “

Triple H:

“I want the 9 piece chicken basket, all breasts.”

Vince:

“You like those breasts, don’t you?”

Triple H:

“Hell yeah I do.”

Me:

“Is that why Stephanie could flood silicone valley if she walked into a wall the wrong way?”

Triple H:

“What do you mean?”

Me:

“Nothing. Anyway, Vince, tell me you’re joking about Tat-fucking-Tanka?”

Vince:

“George, okay, okay, forget Tatanka. What about One Man Gang? We still have Bossman, we could reform the Twin Towers.”

Me:

“Vince, that is wrong on so many levels.”

Vince:

“What do you mean? They would be great. They’re both big. They would be unstoppable. The Twin Towers would never fall.”

Me:

“Vince you really need to stop now before you piss off ALL of your viewers. You think the World Wildlife Foundation went medieval on your ass in court? Wait to the New York Firefighters get a hold of your ass in the streets next time you pass through the Big Apple.”

Vince:

“Dammit, boy, do you like any of my ideas?”

Me:

“Not really. Neither does anybody else. That is of course, why I am the new - - “

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Welcome to Mike the Headless Chicken’s House of Great Tasting Fried Chicken!! What can I do for you today?”

Vince:

“Umm, yeah, I want the six-piece chicken – “

Triple H:

“I said the nine piece!!”

Vince:

“Okay, the nine piece chicken basket.”

Triple H:

“All breasts!!!!”

Vince:

“Yes, yes, all breasts.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Does that complete your order?”

Vince:

“Yes.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, I have you for one six piece chicken basket. Your order total is $7.43. Please drive around.”

Vince:

“No, I ordered the nine piece!!!!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“You want nine orders of the six piece chicken basket?”

Vince:

“NO I WANT THE NINE PIECE CHICKEN BASKET ALL BREASTS!!!!!!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Is that all?”

Vince:

“And a medium Coke.”

Triple H:

“I did not order that.”

Vince:

“I’m fucking thirsty, okay?!? Is it okay if I get something for myself?”

Triple H:

“Not on my ticket. Ask her for a separate ticket.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, I have you down for a nine piece chicken basket and a medium coke. Does that complete your order.”

Triple H:

“Separate tickets!!!!!!!”

Vince:

“ALL RIGHT!!!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Excuse me, sir?”

Vince:

“Can I please get the chicken basket and the Coke on separate tickets?”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“You want to place an extra order?”

Vince:

“No, I just want to separate the order I already placed.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“What would you like on your second order?”

Vince:

“The Coke I already ordered!!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“So you want the nine piece chicken basket and the coke on one order, and another coke on the other order.”

Triple H:

“WHO’S PAYING FOR ALL THIS SHIT?!?!?”

Me:

“Can I get the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on a Wheat Bun, Vince?”

Vince:

“I want to add a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on a wheat bun to that order please.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Which order sir?”

Vince:

“The order I am placing as I talk into your little speaker here.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Sir, you have two orders going.”

Vince:

“I want that on the second order.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, so that is one order consisting of the nine Piece Chicken Basket and a Medium Coke, and another order consisting of a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on a wheat bun and a Medium Coke. Will that be all?”

Vince:

“Wait, no! I only ordered one coke!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Which Coke would you like to remove sir?”

Vince:

“The one on the second order.”

Triple H:

“Wait, I’ll take that Coke!”

Vince:

“Wait, give me the coke after all.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, so that is a Nine Piece Chicken Basket with a medium coke on one order, and a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on a wheat bun and two medium cokes on the second order?”

Vince:

“I only ordered two cokes altogether.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Oops, I forgot to hit the Remove button on that last order.”

Vince:

“Just one Coke with each order.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Would you like ketchup with that?”

Vince:

“Yes please.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Which order?”

Vince:

“You charge for ketchup?”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“No.”

Vince:

“Then what’s it matter? Just throw it in the bag.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, that will be $10.71 for the first order and $8.43 for the second order. Please drive around.”

We proceeded to drive around where we finally got to meet the voice on the other side of the speaker, face to face. She was frowning.

Chicken Restaurant Employee:

“I’m sorry, we’re all out of fried chicken. Can I get you something else?”

Triple H:

“YOU’RE A FUCKING FRIED CHICKEN RESTAURANT, LADY!!!”

Vince:

“I think what he means is, how can you possibly be out of fried chicken?”

Chicken Restaurant Employee:

“Well, we attribute that to poor long term planning.”

Me:

“There’s something you would know about, Vince.”

Triple H:

“I WANT MY CHICKEN!!!!”

Chicken Restaurant Employee:

“Would you like an ice cream cone instead? We have some of those.”

Vince:

“Fuck this.”

Vince peels off and we leave Mike the Headless Chicken’s House of Great Tasting Fried Chicken behind forever. I look back and see my sanity fading away as fast as the restaurant is.

[Guest Sean O'Haire]

Me:

“Relax. There’s not going to be any reformation of DX. Vince, signing Tatanka would just be plain stupid. Come on, I am still trying to work with the crap that Gerwitz left behind. I can’t wait to clear the air of these angles he was running so I can lay down some of my own ideas.”

Triple H:

“Lay down? What exactly is laying down?”

This is so true. LMAO

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Welcome to Mike the Headless Chicken’s House of Great Tasting Fried Chicken!! What can I do for you today?”

Vince:

“Umm, yeah, I want the six-piece chicken – “

Triple H:

“I said the nine piece!!”

Vince:

“Okay, the nine piece chicken basket.”

Triple H:

“All breasts!!!!”

Vince:

“Yes, yes, all breasts.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Does that complete your order?”

Vince:

“Yes.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, I have you for one six piece chicken basket. Your order total is $7.43. Please drive around.”

Vince:

“No, I ordered the nine piece!!!!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“You want nine orders of the six piece chicken basket?”

Vince:

“NO I WANT THE NINE PIECE CHICKEN BASKET ALL BREASTS!!!!!!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Is that all?”

Vince:

“And a medium Coke.”

Triple H:

“I did not order that.”

Vince:

“I’m fucking thirsty, okay?!? Is it okay if I get something for myself?”

Triple H:

“Not on my ticket. Ask her for a separate ticket.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, I have you down for a nine piece chicken basket and a medium coke. Does that complete your order.”

Triple H:

“Separate tickets!!!!!!!”

Vince:

“ALL RIGHT!!!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Excuse me, sir?”

Vince:

“Can I please get the chicken basket and the Coke on separate tickets?”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“You want to place an extra order?”

Vince:

“No, I just want to separate the order I already placed.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“What would you like on your second order?”

Vince:

“The Coke I already ordered!!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“So you want the nine piece chicken basket and the coke on one order, and another coke on the other order.”

Triple H:

“WHO’S PAYING FOR ALL THIS SHIT?!?!?”

Me:

“Can I get the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on a Wheat Bun, Vince?”

Vince:

“I want to add a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on a wheat bun to that order please.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Which order sir?”

Vince:

“The order I am placing as I talk into your little speaker here.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Sir, you have two orders going.”

Vince:

“I want that on the second order.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, so that is one order consisting of the nine Piece Chicken Basket and a Medium Coke, and another order consisting of a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on a wheat bun and a Medium Coke. Will that be all?”

Vince:

“Wait, no! I only ordered one coke!”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Which Coke would you like to remove sir?”

Vince:

“The one on the second order.”

Triple H:

“Wait, I’ll take that Coke!”

Vince:

“Wait, give me the coke after all.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, so that is a Nine Piece Chicken Basket with a medium coke on one order, and a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich on a wheat bun and two medium cokes on the second order?”

Vince:

“I only ordered two cokes altogether.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Oops, I forgot to hit the Remove button on that last order.”

Vince:

“Just one Coke with each order.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Would you like ketchup with that?”

Vince:

“Yes please.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Which order?”

Vince:

“You charge for ketchup?”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“No.”

Vince:

“Then what’s it matter? Just throw it in the bag.”

Chicken Restaurant Speaker Box:

“Okay, that will be $10.71 for the first order and $8.43 for the second order. Please drive around.”

We proceeded to drive around where we finally got to meet the voice on the other side of the speaker, face to face. She was frowning.

Chicken Restaurant Employee:

“I’m sorry, we’re all out of fried chicken. Can I get you something else?”

Triple H:

“YOU’RE A FUCKING FRIED CHICKEN RESTAURANT, LADY!!!”

Vince:

“I think what he means is, how can you possibly be out of fried chicken?”

Chicken Restaurant Employee:

“Well, we attribute that to poor long term planning.”

Me:

“There’s something you would know about, Vince.”

Triple H:

“I WANT MY CHICKEN!!!!”

Chicken Restaurant Employee:

“Would you like an ice cream cone instead? We have some of those.”

Vince:

“Fuck this.”

That was great. I am in English and laughing my ass off and care less. Oh god, I gotta piss after that.

[TheArsenal]

Vince:

“Dammit boy, do you know who you are talking to? I’m Vince McMahon, dammit!! And I want Tatanka!”

Me:

“Yeah, and Kelly Andrews wants freakin’ DX to reform.”

Triple H:

“Hell no, I’m not carrying those guys anymore.

Me:

“Relax. There’s not going to be any reformation of DX. Vince, signing Tatanka would just be plain stupid. Come on, I am still trying to work with the crap that Gerwitz left behind. I can’t wait to clear the air of these angles he was running so I can lay down some of my own ideas.”

Triple H:

“Lay down? What exactly is laying down?”

Me:

“I didn’t think you would get it. But its part of my job.”

Triple H:

“I don’t job.”

Me:

“I FUCKING KNOW THAT, OKAY!!!!! You don’t job and you don’t want to carry DX!! Now, may I make my point?!? “

Vince:

“You have the floor. Ooh, look an arrowhead. Okay, when you sign Tatanka back, sign another Native American and name him Arrowhead. I want a big guy. A really big Native American.”

Me:

“VINCE!!!!! I’m working on a list of people we have to let go as it is! I just hired five new guys to fill out the roster a little bit! Signing Tatanka and some guy to take on the role of this Arrowhead persona is going to be counter productive.”

Vince:

“I can see it now!! The Dudley Boyz versus Tatanka and Arrowhead – No Wait!!! The Dudley Boyz versus The Crazy Indians in a TAC match!! Tables, arrows, and chairs!!! Smell the buyrate!! Smell it!!”

Triple H:

“I don’t like it.”

Vince:

“Why the hell not?!?”

Triple H:

“It might take some attention away from me!”

Vince:

“Good point. We’re going to have to refine that idea a little bit, but we are getting somewhere!”

This is pure gold. Genuinely had me in stitches. This convo, Arrowhead, the chicken thing. This diary is already making itself out to be one of the best at the new EWB. Raze is the man!!

Edited May 12, 2004 by TheArsenal

[Commander Sheepard]

Glad to see you brought this over, as I was really enjoying this one. It's got a great mix between comedy and a more serious side that you don't find too often. I have to say, that whole "incident" at the chicken restaraunt has made me laugh EVERY time I've read it.

[kaplanir]

This is simply awesome so far, especially the friedchicken restuarant bit, which by the way I could totally see in real life. I never thought a diary post would make me laugh that hard...

Edited May 12, 2004 by kaplanir

[KCC]

Hilarious stuff man. The last post was classic. Keep it up.

[Guest Bionic Elbow]

i have just fallen over laughing

best dialogue ever

[Guest raze0811]

SmackDown! (Thursday October 9, 2003)

Overall Rating: 71%

Television Rating: 4.86

Attendance: 7010

The show opens with a quick recap of the melee from last week. Undertaker is battling Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title, when Kurt Angle rushed to the ring to thwart Lesnar’s cheating. Angle misses Lesnar with a steel chair and inadvertently hits Undertaker instead. Lesnar goes on to win the match. Post match, Angle is targeting Lesnar again but Undertaker avenges his loss by chokeslamming Angle to the mat.

Let’s do this . . . .

Pyros welcome us to the second SmackDown! Of the Raze0811 era. The fans in the arena are cheering their heads off, expecting big things tonight. Your announcers are Michael Cole and Tazz.

Segment 1: Match

Shelton Benjamin vs Doug Basham

Rating: 54%

SmackDown opens with a match for a change, bringing out Benjamin and Basham to do battle. The opening moves are all Shelton, as he uses his amateur style to repeatedly take Basham down to the mat. Throw in a few suplexes for good measure, and Shelton has things well in hand.

Michael Cole:

“Of course, we saw the beginnings of this pairing last week when Benjamin was supposed to take on Shaniqua, but got Danny Basham instead.”

Tazz:

“This week he gets Doug. Or is it Danny again? Who knows?”

Basham takes control after some cheapshots, most notably an eye rake and a knee to the midsection. Short offense is ended when Benjamin is knocked to the apron, but gets the pinfall with a Sunset Flip.

Commercial Break 1

Segment 2: Interview

The Challenger Speaks (67%)

Back from commercial, and we see Spanky standing by backstage with Marc Lloyd.

Lloyd:

“Spanky, last week you earned a title shot tonight against current Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio. How do you feel about getting your first big break here in the WWE?”

Spanky:

“I knew it was only a matter of time before my efforts were rewarded. I have been busting my rump all over this country and tonight, I will realize my dream of holding WWE gold. I wish to take no credit from Rey, but if he does not bring his A-Game with him tonight, he is going to be left wondering what just happened.”

Tazz:

“Did he say A-Train?”

Michael Cole:

“A-Game.”

Segment 3: United States Championship Match

John Cena© vs Chris Benoit

Rating: (79/82/74)

The crowd seemed to really get into this one. John Cena opens strong with some slams and suplexes. Benoit rallied back, trying to finish things off with a series of attempts at the Crossface. He would consistently try to reverse holds and lock it on, but for the most part Cena was able to avoid the attempts. Cena rolled clear of one particular attempt and got to the ropes before kicking Benoit in the knee. Cena went for the FU, Benoit rolled clear, finally was able to lock on the Crossface. The crowd goes wild, it looks like it’s all over.

At this point, AJ Styles jumps the barricade, runs around the floor on the ref’s blind side and nails Benoit with a right hook. The hold is broken, Benoit looks fuming mad, tries to grab at AJ through the ropes. The distraction gives Cena time to regroup. Cena spins Benoit around – Cena hits the FU and picks up the pinfall. AJ Styles backs up the ramp with a sly grin on his face.

Segment 4: Confrontation

Rating: 71%

The crowd eagerly dispenses heat when Brock Lesnar is shown walking backstage. He has a cocky and very arrogant air about him. He wisecracks as he passes stagehands, putting them down. Suddenly he rounds a corner and walks right into the Undertaker. The crowd pops. The two men look right at each other from a nose-to-nose distance of less than two inches.

Undertaker:

“Well, well, well. The man who just keeps catching the lucky breaks.”

Brock Lesnar:

“Well, well, well. The man who will always be the challenger.”

Undertaker smirks as he glances down at the WWE Title, which is secured around Brock’s waist.

Undertaker:

“Nice title you have there. Too bad last week only delayed the inevitable. You can rest assured that title will look much better around my waist, and I don’t plan on making the fans wait much longer for that sight.”

Brock Lesnar:

“Well you still have to . . . . you know, WIN the title. Which you don’t seem to be able to do.”

Undertaker:

“Well how about tonight then, champ. How about we go at it again? Maybe this time certain people will keep their noses out of my business and things will go differently.”

Brock Lesnar:

“Somehow I don’t think me fighting you on each and every SmackDown is the answer, Taker. I’m sorry you can’t capitalize when an opportunity is presented to you.”

Undertaker:

“Oh believe me, Brock. I can.”

Brock Lesnar:

“You know, that gives me an idea! I tell you what. Let’s do this. My good buddies, A-Train and Big Show. . . . They don’t have anything going on tonight! I’m sure they would love this idea. You fight them . . . . You win, you get me. You lose, you don’t get another shot for as long as I’m champion.”

Undertaker:

“Trying to stack the cards, Brock? Pathetic. But it’s worth it to me. It’s worth it to get my shot. It’s worth it to prove that your lackeys stink. And it’s worth it to get that title around my waist again. And it’ll be worth it to shut your mouth once and for all. But if I beat them tonight . . . . .I get you tonight. No making me wait.”

Brock Lesnar:

“Sounds like a deal, Deadman.”

Undertaker pats Brock’s shoulder as he exits off camera. Brock follows him with his eyes and smiles as he gets that look in his eyes and does his best job of looking like a psycho.

Commercial Break 2

Segment 5: Second Chance for Tag Team Gold?

Rating: 80%

Backstage, Shelton Benjamin is bragging to Charlie Haas about how he destroyed Danny Basham tonight. The two are cracking up about the situation when Eddie Guerrerro walks past.

Shelton Benajmin:

“Hey Eddie. I’m sure you saw my match tonight. It’s only a matter of time before we get you and that nephew of yours back in the ring and take the only title you have left.”

Eddie stops and turns, laughing at WGTT.

Eddie Guerrero:

“You take what, Essa? This is my title, hombre. You should stick to challenging women, because that’s the only way you ever gonna get a woman to get on top of you, chica.”

Shelton becomes visibly angered.

Shelton Benajmin:

“Big talk coming from the guy who got his ass whooped and lost the U.S. Title in the process last week. Now it sounds like you scared or something to defend the one you got left.”

Eddie Guerrero:

“You calling me scared? How ‘bout you step in that ring one more time tonight and we see how good you really are? You win and then maybe we’ll talk about the Tag Title match, no?”

Charlie Haas:

“Dude, no. You already wrestled once tonight. I’ll fight you, Eddie. But WHEN I win, Shelton and I get a shot at that gold.”

Shelton Benajmin:

“Hope you’re ready to go down like a bitch.”

Eddie smiles and begins whistling merrily as he walks off.

Segment 6: Match

Billy Gunn/Jamie Noble vs Chuck Palumbo / Johnny Stamboli

Rating: (67/67/68)

Torrie Wilson and Nidia at ringside were big highlights of this match. And they did what they could to add to the enjoyment. Palumbo and Stamboli worked over Jamie Noble in the opening minutes, proceeding to take turns abusing him and preventing him from tagging. Quick boost of strength saw Noble come back from an Irish Whip and take Palumbo down with a cross body block. With both men down, Noble began the arduous task of climbing back to his corner. Hot tag made to Gunn finally, who came in and cleaned house as both opponents tried to stop him. Clotheslines, fists, and back body drops all around as Gunn took charge until a kick from Stamboli slowed him down. Gunn came back, hit the Fame-Asser, but the subsequent pinfall was broken up by Palumbo. Noble came in to assist Gunn, big brawl breaks out. The end sees Noble and Palumbo brawl to the outside. On the inside, Gunn manages to nail Stamboli with yet another Fame-Asser and pick up the win for his team.

Commercial Break 3

Segment 7: Match: Cruiserweight Title Match

Rey Mysterio© vs Spanky

Rating: (74/71/78)

This match started out fast and furious. Both men tried to break the sound barrier and may have come close on a couple of occasions. Mysterio with the fancy throws, such as when Spanky followed him to the ropes on an Irish whip and Rey Rey vaulted over his head and performed a modified head scissors after wrapping around Spanky seemingly five times. Spanky came back with some big missile dropkicks followed by an inverted sit down suplex that almost gave him the win with a 2 count. Rey tries to regain his momentum, finally succeeded when Spanky jumped up for the hurricanarana, and Mysterio caught him and dropped back, clotheslining Spanky across the middle rope. With Spanky in perfect position, Rey runs across the ring and everybody knows the 619 is coming. Spanky ducks down, Rey swings around and inadvertently takes out the ref with his legs! Rey proceeds to nail Spanky with a scoop slam, but that’s when Rhyno charges to the ring, slides in, and takes out Rey Rey with a Gore! Rey is down as Rhyno slides out with a satisfied look on his face. Oblivious, Spanky rolls over and drapes an arm across Rey. After several seconds, the ref comes to and counts the three count. Spanky is the new Cruiserweight Champion!

Segment 8: Warming Up

Backstage, we see the Undertaker warming up for his upcoming Handicap match against Big Show and A-Train and possibly Brock Lesnar. He has a punching bag mounted in his dressing room and is really working over it good as SmackDown goes to commercial.

Commercial Break 4

Segment 9: Match

Eddie Guerrero vs Charlie Haas

Rating: (78/76/81)

Charlie wasted no time, attacking before the bell. Eddie was able to overcome the underhanded tactic and reverse a whip and follow up with a spinning heel kick. Eddie took the fight to Charlie with a series of tosses and whips. The fight temporarily continued on the outside when Haas flipped Guerrero over the rope. Benjamin came down and tries to lend some unfair assistance but Eddie delivered a double clothesline that floored both men. Benjamin he sent sailing over the barricade. Haas attacked from behind and was able to throw Eddie face first into the corner post, busting him open. In the ring, Haas continued to work over the wound with punches and stomps to the forehead. Eddie not surprisingly took advantage with a low blow outside the ref’s line of sight. Eddie was able to somehow roll up Haas into a small package and get the 3 count. After the bell, Eddie celebrated in the ring for a few seconds.

Segment 10: Match

Undertaker vs A-Train

Rating: (70/76/57)

The final booking made this something of a gauntlet match. Up first, Taker had to take on A-Train. In the early going, Taker dominated by throwing A-Train from pillar to post, showing a level of intensity unseen in recent weeks. A-Train battled back with an eye rake and a few slams, but was unable to get a 3 count. Big Show made his way out to try to distract Undertaker. Undertaker promptly threw A-Train over the top rope into Big Show. The two went down in a big heap. Undertaker went to the outside and delivered some abuse to Big Show in the form of several steel chair shots. Undertaker brought A-Train back into the ring, and after a Chokeslam, was able to get the 3 count.

Match: Undertaker vs Big Show

Undertaker immediately went to the outside and brought Big Show into the ring. Show was still reeling from the steel chair shots. Taker pummeled him with a lot of brawling, lefts and rights that kept Show on the mat. Taker went for a chokeslam but Show elbowed him in the head and delivered a Fireman’s Carry that almost ended the match. Taker was looking winded as Show continued to abuse him some more. Show himself went for a Chokeslam, but Taker kicked him in the gut and then grounded him with a knee to the face. Taker waited for Show to get up, then walked the ropes on him, Old School Taker Style. Taker continued with some punches, but Big Show powered back and powerslammed him to the mat, almost getting a 3 count. A-Train came back in at this point with a steel chair, but Taker ducked as he wielded it and A-Train hit Big Show accidentally. After Taker clotheslined A-Train over the top rope, he made the cover on Big Show and got the win.

Match: Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar entered the ring with a steel chair. Taker was still covering Big Show when Brock attacked with the chair, getting himself disqualified in the process. He struck Taker with the chair several times.

At that point, the crowd popped as Kurt Angle charged the ring. Angle was able to take Lesnar down with a series of chops followed by a big clothesline that sent Lesnar over the top rope to the arena floor. Undertaker stood up and immediately went after Kurt Angle, but Angle thwarted him and delivered the Angle Slam, getting a big pop from the fans. As soon as he did, Lesnar came up from behind and nailed Angle with the F5. Lesnar stood triumphant as suddenly Stephanie appeared on the ramp.

Stephanie McMahon:

“It seems like the three of you – Taker, Brock, Angle – Just can’t get along. And since the three of you will likely destroy this show if your little feud is left unchecked, I guess I have no choice. At No Mercy, it will be the three of you in a Triple Threat match for the WWE Title!”

Brock Lesnar smiles as he stands over his two motionless opponents.

QUICK RESULTS

Shelton Benjamin d. Doug Basham

United States Title: John Cena© d. Chris Benoit

Billy Gunn & Jamie Noble d. Chuck Palumbo & Johnny Stamboli

Cruiserweight Title: Spanky d. Rey Mysterio©

Eddie Guerrero d. Charlie Haas

Undertaker d. A-Train

Undertaker d. Big Show

Undertaker d. Brock Lesnar (DQ)

Edited May 13, 2004 by raze0811

[Guest Sean O'Haire]

Good show, I am liking it a lot so far. The way you are using is Shelton is nice, too.

[craig]

This diary is classic, the backstory and backstage happennigs etc are great, this already has to be one of the best diaries