Pretty Good Wrestling

[Campbell]

Campbell: Malone, crisis meeting…ASAP!

Malone: But I’m in bed!

Campbell: RIGHT NOW, MEEZTAH!!

Malone: …with Jennifer Love Hewitt…

Campbell: Oh. Okay…in that case, take your time.

*click*

About two hours later, Malone finally arrives at my house. I don’t know what he must have thought…I looked awful. Unshaven, bloodshot eyes…I’d been up all night on the phone.

Malone: Hey, mate. You look well. What’s up?

Campbell: We’ve hit a slight snag…all our money’s dried up.

Malone: But what about the loan?

Campbell: We can’t pay it back! It’s all gone…we can’t make ends meet. I’ve been shut down!!

Malone: WE’VE been shut down, you mean?

Campbell: Erm…yyeah. It’s all over, our dream is over.

Malone: Well…it may not be.

Campbell: It is…the fed’s been shut down. It’s game over!!

Malone: Okay, so this incarnation may be over…but we will start again!

Campbell: Malone, your Mom may be a piece of ass, but you’re obviously deaf and dumb. WE…HAVE…NO…MONEY!!!

Malone: Okay…meet me tomorrow, I’ve got a plan!

Malone dived out of the window. Problem is, my flat is on the fifth floor. I heard the crash…the dogs bark…the agonised screams and ripping of Malone’s flash.

That kinda cheered me up.

A side note: the truth is, my computer broke and I had to restore everything to factory settings - so I no longer have a PGW, or an EWB…hell, I didn’t have WORD until now. But fret not, because this is not the end…simply…

PGW: Back To Mediocrity

[Hajjhowe]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*Deep breath*

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hopefully this will return.

[Campbell]

The following day I met with Malone. I was still looking really rough…mainly just to add to the effect.

How could everything collapse so quickly?? Everything was going so well!! Malone said he had a solution, but I wasn’t really holding my breath.

I met up with him in Jeff’s Coffee Shop just down the road. He was sat at a table drinking a coffee with something in a bag.

I must also add that the coffee shop was foggy.

And played Soprano music.

And if you can imagine the scene in grainy black and white, it would also help.

Campbell: You wanted to meet me.

Malone: What if I did? Who knows you’re here? Did anyone see you arrive?

Campbell: Only your mom.

Malone: Why did you let the dame in on where you were going?

Campbell: Well, she was lay next to me and I didn’t want to just creep off.

Malone: YOU HAVE TO LOWER THE BLOODY TONE DON’T YOU!!! THERE I WAS, ADDING A MYSTERIOUS EDGE TO OUR DEALINGS AND ONCE AGAIN YOU MAKE CRUDE COMMENTS ABOUT MY MOTHER!! IT’S ATTITUDES LIKE THIS THAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS AND-

Campbell: Easy, easy…readers don’t like Block Capitals…

Malone takes a drink of coffee before continuing.

Malone: Anyway…as I told you…I have a plan. This plan will stop this ever happening again.

Campbell: But we can’t afford to –

Malone sushes Campbell before sliding him the bag. Campbell puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a CD covered in white powder.

Campbell: Arsenic?

Malone nods and smiles. Campbell, disgusted, shoves the CD back into the bag.

Campbell: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? Are you mad?

Malone: I don’t see the problem…everybody’s doing it…

Campbell: But it’s illegal!! And morally wrong too!

Malone: All the money you could ever want…you’ll be a millionaire and PGW will reign supreme forever!

Campbell: I don’t think the Whacked Out Wrestling Memorial would EVER do something so corrupt! If the board found out about this they’d boycott my diary.

Malone: At least people would read it!!

Campbell: Excuse me…41 posts and growing, THANK YOU!

Malone: Look, you wouldn’t have to use it all the time…just give yourself a fix and –

Campbell: That’s how it all starts…a quick tweak here…a quick alteration there and before you know it…you’ve got a backyard fed that’s pulling 31,000 fans and main evented by Rock vs. Austin!! It’s just unrealistic!

Malone: It’s the Diary Dome…realism is never a factor!

Campbell: I’m not going to discuss it…do you know how many EWB kayfabe rules we’ve broken so far? Too many!! I’m not going to do my rep any more damage by assosiating myself with Arsenic!!

Campbell takes his coat and stands up.

Campbell: I intend to get everyone back together and rebuild the company on MY OWN TERMS!!

Malone: Ooooh, come now Tom…

Campbell: Funny, that’s what your Mom said to me last night!

Campbell walks out and Malone is left fuming.

Looks to me like the relationship between myself and Malone has become a little frosty. I saw a side of him I didn’t like today…still, I saw a side of his MOM that I still like.

[Hajjhowe]

Hahahaha. I saw that coming when he said he had a solution. Great stuff, keep it up!

[Campbell]

Campbell sits bolt upright in bed, sweat pouring off his face, looking worse for wear. The man in the chicken outfit next to him sits up in bed.

Chicken: What’s the matter, Campbell-san? You look as though you’ve seen a spirit?

Campbell: I just had two of the weirdest dreams ever…The first one, I’m this Grade-A Loser…and I go to School with Shane McMahon, and Vince McMahon makes me head booker of WWE simply by what was written in my notebook.

Chicken: What was the other one?

Campbell: And in the other one, I’m this blonde guy with a weird haircut who likes Franz Ferdinand, and Vince McMahon makes me WWE Chairman for no real reason. And they put my face on the website and everybody laughed!

Chicken: Those are some crazy dreams…now get back to sleep and I’ll rub your back for you.

Campbell suddenly bolts up again, waking from THAT dream. This time, Malone is sat typing away at a computer.

Malone: What’s the matter, Tonto?

Campbell: I just had this dream that I lost all the money from my fed…and I had to start all over again and-

Malone: You need to stop eating cheese before bedtime. Now get some sleep…our fourth show starts tomorrow.

Campbell: …why are you in my bedroom, Malone? Visiting your Mom I guess?

Malone: SHUT UP!!!

In short, MY OLD STUFF WAS BACKED UP AFTER ALL!!

NEW PGW SHOW IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS!! WOOO!!

[Campbell]

The crowd have arrived for the event and we’re almost set. To think, the last few weeks – the Arsenic incident…falling out with Malone…having to put up with Golden Boy’s demands (sorry, wrong diary)…and it was all a dream! The PGW is alive and well.

I’m approached by my co-producer, Malone…and I say –

Campbell: BIG PANTS!!!

Malone: I’m sorry?

Campbell: BIG PANTS!! REMIND ME TO BUY BIG PANTS TOMORROW!!

Malone: Oooo…kay!! Oh by the way – Teddy Hart rang. He said if you dare to compare him to Jade from Big Brother again he’s gonna come round and…quote…beat your motherfucking smart mark ass.

Campbell: Okay…tell Sophie to make up a letter telling him that a biscuit barrell is a better worker than him…and then give him your address.

Malone: Why my address?

Campbell: So he doesn’t come round and kick my ass.

Malone: But he’ll kick mine!

Campbell: Take one for the team, bro! Take one for the team…and speaking of taking one for the team…I better go make sure your Mom’s ready for the show.

Malone: I HATE YOU LIKE I HATE LICE, CAMPBELL!!

Pretty Good Wrestling presents… PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!!

Malone’s Mom: Ladies and gentlemen…at this time, may I recognize…THE DONKEY!!

The crowd cheer like crazy. This week, the donkey is wearing a party hat made out of an old newspaper. He’s wearing a large piece of white cloth that says “Frankie F’n Arnaut” on the side of it.

Before Malone’s Mom can announce any further, we hear the familiar sound of jungle music pumping out of a car stereo. As if on time, Darren Von Darren’s ride chugs into the garden to a chorus of boos. Von Darren steps out of the driver’s seat and Sig Masta steps out of the passenger’s seat. Both men climb into the ring and light up cigarettes. Von Darren proceeds to run down the crowd and issue a warning to the Vanilla Ice Memorial Champion – Crazy Sexy Mike.

Darren Von Darren: You see, Mush…when Sig Masta kicks your fookin’ arse and wins the match tonight…I is gonna take your belt because if Siggy wins, I gets a fookin’ shot at your belt ya’ bastard! And after next week, me and Siggy – MOI SAAAAHHN – are gonna be the boys about town in Pretty Fookin’ Good Wrestling!

After some – ahem – closing prose…DVD and Sig Masta depart, stubbing out their fags as they go. “Notorious” by P. Diddy kicks in and the crowd give a polite applaud as Low Ryda makes his way out for his debut match. As he’s walking to the ring, Darren Von Darren and Sig Masta cross his path. We don’t pick up what they say, but Darren ends it by laughing and pushing Low Rdya. Ryda looks angry but he’s rising above it.

Campbell: What do you think Darren Von Darren said to Low Ryda there, Larry?

Larry: Probably the joke I told him about the Lesbian and the bar stool – HHAHAHAAHAHAA!!!!!

Campbell: Well, I doubt-

Larry: BA-AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAA!!!

Low Ryda steps into the ring as he’s introduced and the crowd give him a nice ovation.

Some very familiar Rythem and Blues music kicks in and the arena start booing. Out steps a young man with huge sideburns and curly black hair. He’s wearing light blue tights with music notes all over them, and he’s got a medallion of a quaver. He’s carrying an acoustic guitar and a microphone in either hand.

??: Good evening ladies and gentlemen…and we’re gonna tear it up ta-naihte!!

The guy then begins singing…

Well mah gimmick is a rip-off, as it’s come to pass,

And if I meet Wayne Ferris he’s gonna kick mah ass,

I’m just the Honky Tonk Kid (Honky Tonk Kid)

A-Just the Honky Tonk Kid (Honky Tonk Kid)

Oh-ahm the Honky Tonk Kid I’m young, I’m crazy, I’m CRAP!!

HTK: Thank you very much, you’re a beautiful audience!!

The crowd boo the Kid like crazy as he smiles and waves. Low Ryda strikes him with a kick to the side and the bell sounds to start the match.

Double Debut Match

LOW RYDA vs. THE HONKY TONK KID

Low Ryda dominates the early going of this contest until Honky hits a low blow. It’s great, because The Kid wrestles pretty much identical to The Honky Tonk Man. The guy’s got all the moves!! Low Ryda mounts a comeback after he counters a Shake, Rattle and Roll with some stiff kicks.

The contest ends with HTK perching Ryda on the top rope. Ryda kicks him off and hits a Shooting Star Press for the popular 1, 2, 3!

Your Winner: Low Ryda

Low Ryda leaves the ring and we hear “Mr. Boombastic” by Shaggy blaring through a jambox. Out comes Mr. Boombastic, the crowd really getting on his case. Boombastic doesn’t care as he takes the microphone. He puts down the crowd and begins to try and punk out his opponents.

Mr. Boombastic: You see, it looks like everyone thinks dat Mr. Boombastic is gonna get his butt whooped tonight? Well, you can all shove it, because de real handi-cap is not for me, but for the Dog Food Tin and American Dung Beetle out ‘dere…cos dey gotta go dooowwwnn-tooowwwn wid’ Mista’ Row…rrowww…mmmantic!!

Boombastic throws the mic down. Japanese metal music hits and the crowd give a polite ovation. Lead by Yung Longtime (wearing a very nice silver miniskirt and black cape…wonder if she’s single. Sure I’ve seen her in a porn bef- ahem!), American Beetle and Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle head to the ring. After playing up to the crowd, Beetle stands on the outside and Noodle starts the match with Boombastic.

Handi-Cap Match

MR. BOOMBASTIC vs. THE KAIJU BATTEL CONNECTION (KBC)

Yes, that’s how you spell Battle in Kaiju!! Boombastic starts with some amateur wrestling, aggrovating Chicken Noodle. Noodle takes a lead when he hits a Diving Shoulder Block and a Senton Splah on Boombastic. Noodle and Beetle tag in and out, trading the offense between them.

Boombastic hits back when he dodges a corner splash and Beetle cracks his head on the turnbuckle. Boombastic works over Beetle with several clotheslines and a neck lock before Beetle powers out and tags in Noodle.

Noodle is all over Boombastic, until he is blasted out of nowhere with a Diving Elbow. Noodle manages to tag in Beetle and Beetle takes over. Noodle staggers around at ringside, and suddenly we see Alex Porteau move to the front of the audience and floor Noodle with a right hand. American Beetle steps out of the ring and Porteau jumps the guardrail and beheads Beetle with an amazing Clothesline!!

Porteau rolls Beetle into the ring and as he gets to his feet, Boombastic hits the Boombastic Smasher for the victory!

Your Winner: Mr. Boombastic

Boombastic powders out of the ring and shakes hands with Porteau. Porteau enters the ring and is soon accompanied by a bearded guy in a suit and a cheerleader. The bearded guy takes the microphone.

Bearded Guy: You have all…witnessed…history…tonight. You have all…witnessed…a beginning. Because we have arrived…and we’re taking no prisoners. It is my great honour to introduce to you…professional wrestling’s most perfect triple threat in history. The brains…of myself…Josh Manager!

The crowd start booing, even getting a “Pug” chant going which aggrovates Porteau.

Josh Manager: …the beauty…in Cheerleader Amber.

Some catcalls and whistles are heard, as Amber gives a quick cheer.

Josh Manager: …and the centerpiece in our plans…the greatest wrestler stroke brawler stroke fighter in wrestling today!! The man who all the women want to be and all the men want to see…

A confused Alex Porteau takes the microphone.

Alex Porteau: Erm…don’t you mean “All the MEN want to be and all the WOMEN want to see?”

Josh Manager: You play your games, and I’ll play mine! Anyway, you’re meant to be the mute monster, so shut up! Ladies and gentlemen…”THE GOLDEN GUY…ALEX…PORTEAU!!!”

Porteau pulls some generic musclular poses as Cheerleader Amber cheers and dances with her pom-poms. The celebration ends, however, when a battered American Beetle steps into the ring. Manager begs off, but Beetle snatches the microphone and pushes him away. However, before he can speak, Yung Longtime snatches the microphone from him (the guy can’t talk!)

Yung Longtime: What American Beetle is trying to say…Is that you have disrespected him!! And he will not stand for it…you look ready to wrestle…I say you fight American Beetle right now!

The crowd cheer and Porteau smiles to himself and nods.

Yung Longtime: But this is not wrestling match, Alex…this…is…KAAAIIJJUU BATTTELL!!!

Impromptu Match

AMERICAN BEETLE vs. ALEX PORTEAU

American Beetle charges at Alex and spears him to the ground. The entourage clear the ring as Longtime goes under the ring and pulls out a model city!!

Campbell: OH YEAH!! THIS IS WHAT KAIJU IS ALL ABOUT, BABY!!

Laughing Larry: Do you reckon there’s a Tracy Island under there!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Longtime slides the city into the ring and Beetles wastes no time in Piledriving Porteau into the city for a two-count.

Porteau quickly recovers and battles back with first – technical holds (armbars, crossfaces and that shit), and then gets dirty when he throws a model skyscraper into Beetle’s face.

Beetle does try and make a comeback, and he tries for the Presidential Pounce into what remains of the city. Porteau manages to dive out of the way and Beetle lands in a bad way. Porteau quickly applies the Porteau Special (Haas-Of-Pain with a Crossface as well) for the submission.

Your Winner: Alex Porteau

The ring has cleared again, and we see a well dressed man with a big black hat on heading towards the ring. He’s carrying a cane and, for all intents and purposes, looks like the Monopoly Tycoon. He takes the microphone – everyone’s talking tonight!!

??: Good evening, everybody!! Allow me to introduce myself…I am Stephen Q. Ramsey the Second. I am the sole inheritor of the Ramsey estate in Bracknell, and above all else – the greatest wrestler you jugged commoners will ever see!

Campbell: ooh, a millionaire gimmick…how original.

Laughing Larry: You booked it, remember!?

Campbell: Why aren’t you laughing…Larry?

Laughing Larry: You booked it, remember?

Stephen Q. Ramsey II: Now…there are three rules you must abide by if I am to participate in wrestling in front of you…erm…people. Rule number one…when you chant…you must chant “Stephen Q. Ramsey The Second…he doesn’t like it up him!” And nothing else. Rule number two…I will not pose for photographs or kiss children.

The crowd are really getting on this guy’s case. Lots of boos and jeers, you see.

Stephen Q. Ramsey II: And third, finally and MOST IMPORTANTLY…you must NEVER REFER TO ME…AS THE MONOPOLY TYCOON!!

The crowd cheer and laugh. Some bright spark starts chanting “Monopoly” – something I never thought I’d hear in wrestling. An angered Ramsey is distracted by the fan, and Flying Dragon lands in the ring to a huge ovation.

FLYING DRAGON vs. STEPHEN Q. RAMSEY II

The bell sounds and Dragon unloads on Ramsey in quick time. Dragon floors him with some flying Dropkicks and a Springboard Moonsault. Then, wasting no time at all, as Ramsey lies prone – Dragon climbs up and hits the Dragonator!! The result – a three count and the fastest match in PGW history!!

Your Winner: Flying Dragon

Dragon departs to a huge cheer from the fans. As Ramsey leaves, he walks past a fan who starts chanting “Stephen Q. Ramsey II – He Doesn’t Like It Up Him!”, and Ramsey slaps the fan right across the face.

Non-Title Match

CRAZY SEXY MIKE vs. SIG MASTA

The referee, expecting shenanigans, dejected Darren Von Darren from ringside. Von Darren grabbed the microphone before he went.

Darren Von Darren: Siggy, Siggy Moi Saahn…I’m not allowed to be here, Mush…I’m goin’ down the shop, do you want ‘owt?

Sig Masta makes a cigarette hand motion and a drink hand motion.

Darren Von Darren: Some fags and some pop…no prob mush!

Von Darren puts his hands in his pockets and shuffles out of the garden and the bell sounds. The two quickly start exchanging hard lefts and rights on one another, and the match soon spills outside.

Sig Masta gets violent and starts ramming CSM’s head into the guardrail multiple times before suplexing him on the ground. Masta works over CSM’s back for a while until Mike avoids a Leg Drop and battles back.

In quick succession, Mike hits a DDT and two standing elbow drops, the crowd cheering him on. Sig regains the advantage and snaps Mike in half with a Brainbuster into a Piledriver (aptly named: “You Is Dead”) but only gets a two count!

A dazed Mike is able to counter out of a second and flatten Masta with a Flying Clothesline. Mike then ascends to the top and hits a Crazy Sexy Sault for the three count!

Your Winner: Crazy Sexy Mike

Post match, as Mike celebrates, Darren returns with a shopping bag full of stuff. Shocked that Sig Masta lost, Darren drops the bag and charges to the ring. He beats down Mike and cracks him with a Spinning Impact DDT (The Mush-Kakker). Suddenly, Low Ryda charges to the ring and fights off both men, laying out Von Darren with the Rough Ryda and Clotheslining Siggy out of the ring. Von Darren and Sig Masta gather themselves as Mike takes…erm…the mike.

Crazy Sexy Mike: Darren…Sig Masta…I’ve had a great idea! Next week, you pikey fuckwits…

Huge pop from the crowd. DVD and Siggy are furious.

Crazy Sexy Mike: You both bring your wrestling gear…and let’s make a match right now. You two versus Low Ryda…and CRAAAZZZYYY….SEEXXXYY…BLOOORRRGG!!!

The crowd cheer like crazy as Darren and Sig powder to their car. Mike and Low Ryda thank the fans for coming and the show comes to an end.

[Hajjhowe]

Sweet. This is back. That makes me a happy camper.

I liked the show, push Noodle!

[TGC]

Closed and moved to Archives.