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“Something Pretty Good This Way Comes…” Chapter One

Dear Mr. Campbell

We are deeply sorry about any pain and suffering your recent accident at work may have caused you.

Although no sum of money can make up for what has happened to you, but we hope it will ease the pain.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way…never fecking talk to us again.

Yours Sincerely,

Roger McGregor

Regional Manager, Happy Chicken

Enclosed in that letter was a cool cheque for £100,000…I was a happy bunny that day! Hey, where did it say in my employee handbook at “Happy Chicken” that an employee must operate a carving knife after a liquid lunch and hack his own finger? I tried to tell them I was drunk…I seriously did! It came out kinda slurred though, and they didn’t take me seriously!

So while I was lay in the hospital, between fits of laughter, I decided to sue Happy Chicken! Hey, people make money off compensation…look at Courtney Love! So, with thanks to “Ambulance Chasers Inc.” and some extremely interesting photographs of Mr. McGregor in a compromising position with a woman who was definitely NOT Mrs. McGregor, I had me a very Happy pay-day!

So, I was now unemployed and £100,000 richer…I could invest it…

…well, I COULD…but I COULD run for Prime Minister – but that’s not happening anytime soon!

I knew just what I was going to do with that money…

…that’s right…BUY A PET DONKEY!!

user posted image

But I still had some money left over, so I decided – what with the Summer finally here – that I should use my new found wealth to put together some leisurely outdoor persuit. Backyard Wrestling was the way to go!!

I coined the idea to my pal, Jamie Malone…and he was thrilled with the idea..

Malone: ARE YOU HAVING A FUCKING LAUGH, CAMPBELL!?

Campbell: What’s that supposed to mean? I thought you liked the idea!

Malone: WHAT GOOD IS A DONKEY!? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?

Campbell: No, not that idea…the other one…

Malone: OOOh, the backyard wrestling idea! I like it! Could be fun…only one slight snag – we don’t know any wrestlers.

Campbell: Malone, Malone, Malone…when will you ever learn? Backyard wrestlers aren’t…strictly speaking…wrestlers.

Malone: They’re not?

Campbell: No way! You’ve watched those “Best Of Backyard Wrestling” DVDs of yours. They’re just fat, angst-ridden 19-24 year olds who like to THINK they’re superstars!

Malone: Bit like you then?

Campbell: Heeey…I’m not angst-ridden!

Malone: No, but you are fat, 19-24 and think you’re a superstar…

Campbell: Can’t argue with that, I guess. But anyway, I can’t see why we can’t put this thing together…it could be a right laugh! Join me on this venture!!

Malone: Why do you want me involved?

Campbell: Because, Malone, you’re one of my longest, most trusted confides. If I can’t turn to you in a time of need the way you turn to me…then what sort of friends are we. It’s lonely at the top, and I’d like to have you with me.

Malone (moved to tears): Do you mean that really?

Campbell: No, of course not! But you have a PA System and a microphone that will save me about 150 quid! Come on, let’s go down the pub!

So it was me and Malone all the way. We were planning to go shopping the next day, but we were kinda hung over from the night before, so we went the following day.

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“Something Pretty Good This Way Comes…” Chapter Two

Putting together the ring was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Still cost a fair bit. Trampoline, lots and lots of rope (we overdid it on the rope), some bedsheets to cover the trampoline, some table legs with cushions stapled to them for turnbuckles, and you’ve got yourself a beast of a wrestling ring! A BEAST I TELL YOU!

This has all been built at the end of a patio pathway. The entrance way was going to be in my dining room, which is the closest room to the garden. However, my mother doesn’t like shoes to be worn in the house, so instead the entrance is the side gate! Myself and Malone had to have a long discussion as to the venue of our Backyard Wrestling company…

Malone: Let’s hold the shows at my house.

Campbell: No, let’s not. Your house is shit.

Malone: Oh, okay.

With the ring in place, all we now is the TALENT!! This was an easily solved problem.

I crept into the local colleges and YMCA centres and put up an advert:

BE LIKE YOUR FAVOURITE WRESTLERS!!

JOIN PRETTY GOOD WRESTLING!!

NO TRAINING REQUIRED!!

JUST ASK FOR SEXY BOY TOM CAMPBELL

Malone questioned why I would advertise in educational facilities and homeless centres. He soon saw the light when I gave my logical explaination.

Campbell: SHUT UP!!

The first person that came for an interview was a rather fat young lady. She was wearing baggy jeans, a white Hooters shirt with cake stains on it, and had kind of untidy brown hair.

This was one hot momma!!

Campbell: And you’re name is?

Hot Momma: Erm…Sophie. I’m here to apply for the job as personal assistant.

Malone (confused): When did you put that advert out?

Campbell: The same day I made a woman out of your mom, Malone…now shut up! So anyway (ahem) Ms. Sophie…what do you think you could bring to the position of personal assistant?

Sophie: Well, I could bring a cake my mum made…and a notebook…and maybe a pen to make notes.

Campbell: Wow! You’re over-qualified! Welcome aboard!!

Sophie laughs and starts clapping. She shakes Campbell’s hand and leaves, excitedly. Campbell eyes her up as she leaves, Malone giving him a disgusted stare.

Malone: Mate, I know you’ve been single for a while now…but this isn’t the way it’s gotta be!

Campbell: HEY, I GOT FIRST DIBS ON HER, MATEY!! BACK OFF!!

So I now had myself a personal assistant…and what a hottie she is! I tell you what, on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d DEFINITELY give ‘er one!*

(*Mr. Campbell apologises to any of our American friends who didn’t get that joke)

There’s something I’ve missed…

…ah, WRESTLERS!! That was it!

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“Something Pretty Good This Way Comes…” Chapter Three

I chose six applicants to begin on my journey into the unknown! And here they are in living colour for you..

Darren Van Darren

Male, 24, Lightweight

Main Event Heel, 15% Over

This guy was a riot in the interview. Turns out he’s from Dyne’s Green – a council estate in the area! He threatened Malone with a knife until we had to get security to drag him away. This guy will make an excellent Main Event Heel!

Crazy Sexy Mike

Male, 27, Lightweight

Upper Midcard Face, 25% Over

Apparantly, this guy’s Crazy…he’s Sexy…and his name’s Mike. He proved his name was Mike by bringing his birth certificate in. And he proved he was Crazy when he ate a piece of the table. The jury’s out on the “sexy” part, though.

Mr. Boombastic

Male, 24, Lightweight

Upper Midcard Heel, 15% Over

He talks in a Jamaican accent, yet he’s a white guy with ginger hair. Something tells me I’m going to get into a lot of trouble for this…lists his achievements in life as “Shaggy look-a-like contest winner 2002” Problem was the contest was held in “The Pig and Barrell” pub in Bradford.

Flying Dragon

Male, 26, Lightweight

Upper Midcard Face, 15% Over

As part of the interview, he decided it was important for us to know he’s willing to take bumps. He proved this by jumping off the roof and onto the grass below. As he was being loaded into the ambulance, I thought “This is the kind of commitment we need”. He’ll be all healed up by the time our first show comes around!

American Beetle

Male, 24, Lightweight

Midcard Face, 6% Over

That’s right…Kaiju’s very own fighting Beetle showed an interest in my little operation. I was flattered, and he proved his loyalty by punching Malone in the face and feeding my donkey. I was extatic…and then I met the guy in the queue next to him…

Kung Fu Chicken Noodle

Male, 26, Lightweight

Upper Midcard Heel, 2% Over

This guy is amazing!! He was a definate “Yes” – I mean, the guys gimmick is that…that…that’s he’s a can of Chicken Noodles!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SMELL RATINGS HERE!! My two kaiju signings may be low on overness, but that’ll change very quickly…I can guarantee it!

So there they are…the starting line-up for Pretty Good Wrestling. Of course, we had to hire some staff to help run the place…and I got me a colour commentator…

Campbell: So…you’re Laughing Larry, right?

Larry: BWA-HHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!! THERE’S A DONKEY IN YOUR GARDEN!!! HAHAHAAA!!! THAT’S PRICELESS!! HAHAHAAAHAAAHA!!! <starts tearing up> And breathe…no, seriously I’m Laughing Larry…and I-pppffftttt-HAHAHHAAAHAAA!!

Larry falls off his chair, unable to control himself!

Malone: I like him!

Campbell: Me too! He seems to have all the know how!

I also took the libery of hiring a writer…

Malone: Do we really need a writer?

Campbell: Yeah! For SKITS and such!

Malone: I know why you hired this guy…

Campbell: What’s that supposed to mean.

Malone: His name’s DICK KOLOFF!!

Larry (still on the floor): DICK!!! DICK!!! DO YOU GET IT!! HAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAHAA!!!!

So what if I hired a guy for his perculiar name…he may bring something to the table.

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“Something Pretty Good This Way Comes…” Chapter Four

I got Sophie to draw up a profile of our company. She looked so hot today in those baggy blue jeans and Hooters shirt, whilst she sat at her desk and ate Ice Cream.

So anyway, this is what she came back with…

Pretty Good Wrestling

Size: Backyard

Public Image: 0%

Risk: 80%

Merchandising: 0%

Production Values: 5%

Advertising: 1%

It looks like the Market is heading towards a boom period, and is currently at 59%

We are currently not big enough to run more than one show a week.

Buy more Ice Cream.

Soph. x

She was a good worker, with the exception that all my important bits of paperwork had ice cream stains on them.

Campbell: We need a name for our weekly event…

Malone: Hmm…hey, what about “Redemption”.

Campbell: YEAH, let’s call it something REALLY NEGATIVE and CLICHÉ’D!! Everyone else does!!

Malone: Okay…how about “Battle Lines”

Campbell: It’s been done.

Malone: Has it?

Campbell: Yeah…that reversefigure4 guy who runs LAW! Bastard!

Malone: You know that Sophie's the mole, you just know it!

Campbell: No way man, it’s gotta be Duke The Dumpster…but anyway, we’re drifting from the point!

Malone: Okay, how about “SURVIVOR”

Campbell: Been done! It’s that piece of crap series in the states…

Malone: What if we were to make…a SERIES…of Survivor events…we could call it…call it… (Malone’s eyes light up)…the SURVIVOR…SERIES!!

Campbell: I’m not even going to react to that! We need something catchy…something that will draw peoples attention.

Just as I was thinking, Flying Dragon returned to my house and leapt off my roof onto Malone.

Malone: Aaarrrrrgghh!!

Campbell: PERFECT!! Malone, you’re a genius!

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bahahahaha!!! This is some funny shit. The name of the show is awesome too, and i cant wait for the first show.

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“Something Pretty Good This Way Comes…” Chapter Five

We were finally ready…the first ever PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!! Was days away…I used my amazing photshop skills and put together a flyer to tell people about the event…

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I quite liked the idea of bringing your grandparents…I just wished I’d spelt “Kung Fu Chicken Noodle” right!

Me and Malone sat down with about 10 cans of lager and came up with the card for the first show…

Darren Von Darren vs. Flying Dragon

Mr. Boombastic vs. Crazy Sexy Mike

Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle vs. American Beetle

MAIN EVENT

The winners of each match will enter a Three Way Dance to determine

The first holder of the prestigious Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship!

Malone: You do know Vanilla Ice isn’t dead, don’t you?

Campbell: Yeah, what of it?

Malone: Well, the fact that the belt is called Vanilla Ice Memorial would suggest that he’s dead.

Campbell: Wishful thinking…I didn’t realise you fancy Vanilla Ice.

Malone: I don’t, but-

Campbell: You want to kiss him I bet!!

Malone: Oh GROW UP!!

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Well, it’s the night of the first show and everything’s going pretty well. A lot of people have turned up…however, they fall into four categories:

a.) My family and friends

b.) Malone’s family (like he’d have friends)

c.) The wrestlers’ family and friends

d.) Japanese photographers

Not too sure how many people have paid for the show, but I guess we’ll find out after. I would go now, but the guy holding the bucket collecting the money is scaring me slightly.

Campbell: You nervous mate?

Malone: No way, I’m excited…quite a nice crowd so far.

Campbell: Yeah, and your mum’s turned up as well.

Malone: Shut up about my mom!!

Campbell: Okay, for now…any problems to report?

Malone: Just the one…the Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship?

Campbell: Yes?

Malone: Well, I went to where you told me to get it from, but all I could find was this trouser belt with a picture of Vanilla Ice stuck to it.

Campbell: …

Malone: THAT’S IT!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE £100 I GAVE YOU TO GET A BELT MADE!!

Campbell (hiding his new watch): I…was…mugged. Anyway, you’d better get in the ring…you’re the ring announcer!

As Malone heads to the ring, I close my eyes…

…and think about Malone’s Mom and Sophie…

…then I decide to concentrate on the show.

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Pretty Good Wrestling present… PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!!

Malone kicks off the show in the ring, getting the spectators warmed up.

Malone: At this time…may I recognize…ladies and gentlemen…THE DONKEY!!

The crowd go wild for the donkey, who is chewing grass near the ring.

As Malone starts to run down the card for the evening, some Jungle music kicks in from what sounds like a car stereo. The crowd turn to see what’s going on and we see a banged-up Vauxhall Nova pulling into the garden. With the music still blaring, out steps Darren Von Darren.

All blinged up, wearing an out-of-date Manchester United top and a burberry cap, Darren lights up a cigarette and walks to the ring. The crowd boo him like crazy as he snatches the microphone from Malone.

Darren then proceeds to shout into the microphone and insult the audience.

Von Darren: I fookin’ turn up ‘ere tonight, spendin’ ten quid on petrol and you all fookin’ boo me!! Well, tonight, just to piss you slags off, I’m gonna be the Vanilla Ice Memorial Champ and take it to Ibiza with me when I’s goes on me holiday!

Von Darren continues like this, making fun of the Donkey and threatening to punch it.

This is halted by The Flying Dragon – who jumps from the roof of my house and rolls into the ring – this time breaking no bones! The crowd are stunned silent. Darren looks unimpressed.

Von Darren: What the fook you lookin’ at, you chinky bastard?

As Von Darren gets closer, Flying Dragon swings a roundhouse kick that knocks Darren’s cap off! The crowd begin cheering like crazy and Darren looks like he’s soiled himself.

Von Darren: Fook this and fook you, I’m not fooking fighting you til later, mate!

Darren quickly slides out of the ring and to the safety of his car. The crowd are cheering for The Ninja Dragon as he stares down Von Darren.

(Von Darren and The Ninja Dragon gained overness from this segment)

(Von Darren’s “Redneck” gimmick got a positive response)

(The Ninja Dragon’s “Foreign Star” gimmick got a positive response)

Overall rating: 32%

AMERICAN BEETLE vs. KUNG FU CHICKEN NOODLE

Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship Tournament Match

These two knew each other from Kaiju and succeeded…in baffeling the audience!!

Before the match started, the referee began setting up a model city in the ring. This is apparantly Kaiju tradition, and American Beetle and KFCN were lost in the ring without this setup. The match started and…I was pretty baffled by the whole thing.

They didn’t lay a hand on each other for the first couple of minutes and were merely throwing these model buildings at one another. When they ran out of buildings they began punching each other until American Beetle took the lead when he found another building and broke it over KFCN’s head.

The match came to a (thankful) conclusion when American Dragon missed a lariat and KFCN locked in the Chicken Bone Choke for the submission victory. At the end, both men shook hands, and the crowd (sort of) cheered them.

Not really the best match to start PGW…I now fear for KFCN in the main event!

Your Winner: Kung Fu Chicken Noodle by Submission

(American Beetle’s “All-American” gimmick got a positive response)

(Kung Fu Chicken Noodle’s “Hero” gimmick got a positive response)

Overall rating: 9%

Both combatants have left the ring together and the ring has been cleared of debris. Suddenly, we hear “Mr. Boombastic” by Shaggy blasting from a jambox. The man who calls himself “Mr. Boombastic” arrives to a mixed response. He’s wearing a black T-Shirt with the words “It Wasn’t Me” written on them. He’s a ginger-headed guy wearing sunglasses and desperately trying to look black. His carrying the jambox to the ring on his shoulder and giving a groovy walk.

Boombastic climbs into the ring and turns the jambox off. Boombastic introduces himself and gives his intentions.

Mr. Boombastic: What I am heeya to doo is to is rock all da fellas and love all da ladies in the audience. I’m also gonna be prooovin’ to dat pretendah, Crazy Sexy Mike, dat he can’t hold a candle to Mister Roooww…roowww…mmmmantic…really fantasstic…

Mr. Boombastic proceeds to sing a couple of lines from “Mr. Boombastic” before making his way to the back, now to more boos than cheers.

(Mr. Boombastic gained overness from this segment)

Overall rating: 31%

FLYING DRAGON vs. DARREN VON DARREN

Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship Tournament Match

Finally, some normal wrestling…to an extent.

DVD came to the ring with his “Missus”. The two had an argument before reaching the ring and he told her where to go and she left. DVD then put out his cigarette and Flying Dragon jumped him.

Flying Dragon dominated the match with some high flying offense. The Japanese photographers were going crazy for him as he did a number of rather crap looking planchas, moonsaults, and even totally arsed up a Dropkick and nearly broke Darrn’s neck. We know this by the way Darren shouted “You nearly broke my neck, you fooking Bellend!!” Such a well spoken young man.

DVD took over with some brawling tactics, even blatantly kicking Flying Dragon REALLY HARD in the nuts! When all looked doomed for Flying Dragon, he was able to avoid the Pikey’s Elbow and mount a comeback with a series of Dropkicks.

The end came when Flying Dragon missed a Cross Body and Darren dropped him with the Mush-Cakker (Rock Bottom) for the pin and the win. After the match, Darren lit another cigarette, swore at some kids in the crowd and left. As Flying Dragon got up, the crowd gave him a sizeable cheer.

Your Winner: Darren Von Darren by Pinfall

Overall rating: 43%

CRAZY SEXY MIKE vs. MR. BOOMBASTIC

Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship Tournament Match

Crazy Sexy Mike is really over with the crowd…possibly because the words “Cheer Mike” are painted on the donkey…and hey, if the donkey says do it – are you going to go against it?

He comes out to the Austin Powers theme, slapping hands all the way along and generally being crazy and sexy! Mr. Boombastic isn’t impressed and attacks Mike as he enters the ring.

Boombastic dominates CSM for the first part of the match with some heavy punches, mixed in with some hot stepping routines. Mike turns it around when he chop-blocks Boombastic in mid-strut! CSM levels Boombastic with some more punches and kicks (hey, they’re backyard wrestlers…if you want Flair/Steamboat, I suggest you try a WCW ’91 diary or something!) and even a rather neat Shoulder Block from the second rope!

Boombastic slows the pace with a sleeper hold, but CSM battles back and eventually floors Boombastic with a Piledriver, followed by a Crazy, Sexy ‘Sault (twisting moonsault) for the victory!

CSM walks back, head held high. Boombastic looks furious, shouting “I’m-a gonna get yahh, and you’ll wish I never met yaah” in a Jamaican accent. Hmmm…

(Crazy Sexy Mike’s “Old School Face” gimmick got a positive response)

Overall rating: 40%

Now the ring is empty again, American Beetle makes his way out to the ring once again. Nobody’s too interested, but the Japanese cameramen are going nuts! He doesn’t enter thing, but instead takes Malone’s microphone and raises his hand for silence. American Beetle walks over to the Japanese cameras and seems to be talking on the mic exlusively to THEM…in Japanese!! Isn’t this guy meant to be the American Beetle!?

Anyway, we’re told that he challenged Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle to a rematch next week, and respects him a lot. That’s nice, but it would’ve been better in English!

Overall rating: 4%

Malone re-enters the ring and begins an elaborate introduction for the main event. However, Campbell cuts him off by getting the whole crowd chanting “Malone’s Mom Has Got It Going On” (think of “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains Of Wayne). Malone is visibly getting annoyed by this, but Malone’s Mom is smiling and waving.

Malone: SHUT UP!!!!

The crowd goes quiet.

Malone: THAT’S MY MOM!!!

The crowd hushed for a moment, before starting again! Malone throws the microphone down and storms off. Campbell picks up the microphone and walks over to where Malone’s mom is sat.

Campbell: Ladies and gentlemen…the ring announcer for PGW’s main event…MALONE’S MOM!!

The crowd goes crazy and the Japanese photographers start taking pictures. Campbell hands Malone’s mom some post-it cards and she gets into the ring, the crowd still chanting the song.

Malone’s Mom proceeds to announce the main event, and introduces Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle and Darren Von Darren.

As both men stand in the ring, Crazy Sexy Mike’s music hits and CSM makes his way out to another strong response. As he gets halfway down the ramp, Mr. Boombastic reappears and cracks him over the head with his Jambox!!! The crowd really get on Boombastic’s case as he stands over CSM with a microphone.

Mr. Boombastic: Hey…before you say any-t’ing…it wasn’t me!! HAHAHHAHAA!!

Mr. Boombastic walks away laughing. He trips on a rock as he does and some people laugh at him. Meanwhile, Crazy Sexy Mike has been taken out!!

(Mr. Boombastic gained overness from this segment)

Overall rating: 33%

KUNG-FU CHICKEN NOODLE vs. DARREN VON DARREN vs. CRAZY SEXY MIKE??

Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship Tournament Final

With CSM seeking medical attention, DVD and Chicken Noodle start the match. Chicken Noodle is, at first, confused and concerned with the lack of cardboard buildings in the ring and he cowers in the corner. DVD moves in and begins thumping him and swearing at him. The crowd start to really get behind him, and eventually starts to fight, flailing his arms until he strikes Von Darren.

Von Darren powders out of the ring as Chicken Noodle is going crazy in the ring. Von Darren sees an opening and creeps into the ring and low blows Chicken Noodle! Von Darren takes over with some heavy strikes. He nails the Pikey’s Elbow, but Chicken Noodle kicks out.

Enraged, Darren bails and goes to his car. He reaches into the boot and pulls out…a HUGE GOLD CHAIN!! THE BLING OF DOOM!! Darren circles the dazed Chicken Noodle with the weapon. As he does, Crazy Sexy Mike charges to the ring from the house. Mike has a huge bandage across his head and the crowd are going crazy. He jumps into the ring and Clotheslines Von Darren to the canvas. Mike is all over Darren until Chicken Noodle comes over and starts beating on Mike. Chicken Noodle locks in the Chicken Bone Choke, but Mike eventually powers out of it and hits Chicken Noodle with a huge backdrop and he falls to the canvas.

Mike grabs a hold of Von Darren’s BLING OF DOOM and as Darren gets up, cracks him over the head with them!! CSM then goes to the top rope and hits the Crazy, Sexy, Sault for the 1…2…3!!! The crowd go wild and CSM is declared the winner.

Your Winner: Crazy Sexy Mike by Pinfall (NEW VIM Champion)

As Von Darren and Chicken Noodle leave the ring, CSM calls for the microphone…this is the first time this extremely popular guy has spoken on the microphone..

Crazy Sexy Mike: …BLOOOOORRRRRRRGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!

The crowd were confused for a moment, then one random guy starts cheering – so everyone else does!! Crazy Sexy Mike holds the belt aloft to end the first night of action in Pretty Good Wrestling history.

(Crazy Sexy Mike gained overness from this match)

(The Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship has gained in image)

Overall rating: 33%

------------------------

Show Analysis

07/08/04

Overall rating: 28%

Best Match: Darren Von Darren vs. Flying Dragon (43%)

Worst Match: Kung Fu Chicken Noodle vs. American Beetle (9%)

Best Segment: Mr. Boombastic attacks Crazy Sexy Mike (33%)

Worst Segment: American Beetle's challenge (4%)

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..

Campbell: NOBODY PAID!!??

Sophie: Nobody…

Campbell: But…but…there were about 60 people in my garden for the show…are you telling me NOBODY PAID!?

Sophie: Well, most of the people there were family and friends so you let them in for free…and I guess some people just snuck in!

Campbell: So what does this mean for our profit?

Sophie: Well…we won’t have one...

I couldn’t believe it…NOBODY paid to see the show! Do I look like a charity, here? At least Sophie could calm me down. She offered me some cake, but I politely declined…I wasn’t feeling too hungry.

But on the plus side, most of the show was pretty well received, and I’m looking forward to our first staff meeting tomorrow, see how everyone thought the show went.

In fact, I think I’ll jump to tomorrow now…

TOMORROW…well, Today, I suppose…

Everyone is gathered in my dining room…I have a long dining room table, you see. Seats about 10 people…so some were sat cross legged on the floor. I was at the head, Malone at the other end. Sophie was on my left, eating her third turkey sandwich of the morning, and Crazy Sexy Mike was on my right, drumming his fingers on the table like a madman.

Mr. Boombastic was next to him, showing off his new dreadlocked hair (ala Shaggy), and next to him was Dick Koloff, my writer – and then Laughing Larry, my commentator. On the other side was American Beetle, Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle, Darren Von Darren and the Flying Dragon. Darren was talking to Dragon about “Some bird ‘e Shagged last night after the show, look”. Billy the production guy, the referee and the medical person (wish I knew their names) were sat on the floor.

Campbell: Okay, ladies and gentlemen…I hope we all enjoyed last nights festivities. First on the agenda, Sophie’s got some notes from last night…Sophie, if you wouldn’t mind…

Sophie (finishing her sandwich): Yeah, okay…first of all, the crowd didn’t really get into Kung Fu Chicken Noodle and American Beetle. I believed you may have over-used them.

Campbell: Point taken, and on that subject…Mister, erm…Beetle. Can I ask where you decided to get the idea to cut a promo in Japanese…whereby the majority of the audience are English?

American Beetle: Yeah…I, erm…kinda meant to mention that to you, boss. You see, I have a nervous disorder…

Campbell: riiigghht…

American Beetle: So…when I have to cut a promo, I go Japanese.

The whole table is quiet.

Campbell: Oooo-kay…I would’ve liked to have known that before. I was hoping to build a feud around you and Chicken Noodle…but I guess you’ll be our promo guy now, Mr. Kung Fu.

Chicken Noodle: ‘fraid not, boss.

Campbell: Why not!?

Chicken Noodle: I got no Charisma.

Another silent moment at the table.

Campbell: Wh-…wha-….what do you MEAN?

Chicken Noodle: Read my profile on EWR…

user posted image

Campbell: Oh CRAP!!! And I – hey…shit, I forgot to make you a face and not a Tweener! And why has your morale dropped? You not happy?

Dick Koloff: There are no unhappy workers at this time.

Laughing Larry: HAHAHAHAAA!!! DICK!!!!

Dick Koloff: Shut up!

Campbell: Okay, okay, no worries…I’ll think of something.

Malone: I have a plan, Tom!

Campbell: Brilliant! Explain it when the cameras are off! It’ll make people want to read the results instead of the backstory.

Malone: Yeah, but the backstory’s a hell of a lot funnier!

Campbell: ANY MORE ITEMS, SOPHIE!!?

Sophie (taking another bite of a new turkey sandwich): Yeah, Darren Von Darren didn’t think he clicked with Flying Dragon.

Darren Von Darren: It’s just tha’…well…he’s a fookin’ foreigner, innit? I’ve got a mate I’d like to work with…his fookin’ hard, and wants a job to get ‘im off the dole.

Campbell: If I wanted people to hire their friends to run the company into the ground I’d hire Hulk Hogan and Ed Leslie.

Darren Von Darren: But Brutus Beefcake was WELL GOOD!!

Campbell: Okay, whatever. So we’ll have to find new opponents for you guys that’s fine!

Malone: I have something I’d like to bring up.

Campbell: If you’re going to bitch about you mom, I’m-

Malone: No, no, nothing to do with that…but we’ll talk about that another time. Erm, Crazy, Sexy Mike?

CSM: Yeah…

Malone: …BLORG!?

CSM: Come again?

Malone: …BLORG!?

CSM: What’s he on about, guys?

Campbell: He’s addressing why you decided your post-match speech consisted of you shouting “BLORG”?

CSM: What? When did I say Blorg?

Campbell: AT THE END OF YOUR MATCH!

CSM: I remember saying “Thank You all!”…where did you get BLORG from!?

Malone: You said “Blorg!” Didn’t he say Blorg!!?

The table agrees.

CSM: Well, I think you’re all mad! I said “Thank You all!” I don’t know what you guys were watching!

Campbell: Okay, meeting adjurned…this is hurting my head. Before we go, we need to quickly talk about feuds. Now, I’d really like to do a programme with Mike and Mr. Boombastic and see how that goes.

Boombastic: I’m up for that, mate!

Campbell: I thought you were Jamaican?

Boombastic: Ohh…I mean…DAT WOULD BE I-REEN, BO!!!

Another silence.

Campbell: Okay, I’ll run some more stuff with you guys next week and see how it goes. As for the rest of you, be prepared to be mixed around until I find something that sticks…meeting adjurned.

Darren Von Darren: Does you wants the number of me mate, Mr. Campbell?

Campbell: I tell you what…write it down and I PROMISE to look at it soon.

Darren Von Darren: Nice one…anyone got any fags I can crash?

Edited by Campbell
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Myself and Malone have put together a teaser for the forthcoming event:

Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship

CRAZY SEXY MIKE defending against MR. BOOMBASTIC

Kaiju Battel For Respect

AMERICAN BEETLE vs. KUNG FU CHICKEN NOODLE

And much more!! Come along, don’t be shy – bring your nans!!

Look, with six wrestlers and four matches to fill, we have to leave SOMETHING for people to think about!

After last Saturday’s disasterous attendence, I decided that we may be heading for a slight financial – erm – difficulty. So, I headed to my local bank to sort out a loan.

Thankfully, I’m with the Carlsberg Bank of England!!

user posted image

Bank Manager – Renault Coolguy: Tom!!

Campbell: Renault!

Hugs and handshakes all round. Renault takes me into his office and pours me a pint of Carlsburg!

Coolguy: So how can I help?

As I start talking, a woman comes over and gives me a back massage.

Campbell: Well, I’m running a backyard wrestling company.

Coolguy: How much do you need?

Campbell: About 750,000

Coolguy nods his head, and £1million appears from a hole in the table in front of me.

Coolguy: Take a million…and pay it back in instalments.

Campbell: Don’t you mean “Pay it back when you can?”

Coolguy: No, that’s just stupid. Have a good day now.

Carlsberg don't write diaries...but if they did, they'd probably be the best diaries in the world!!

Now that income is (vaguely) sorted, I decided to carry out Malone’s master plan for our Kaiju superstars.

You’re going to have to wait til the results are up to find out what’s going on…NYAHA!!

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Carlsberg don't write diaries...but if they did, they'd probably be the best diaries in the world!!

bwahahahahaha

I'm absolutely loving this. THis is the only comedy diary that i've read in a long, long time, which is actually funny. The show was well written, shortish, but not too short, backyard diaries don't work when the matches are too long. Just keep on with the good updates, and I see this diary becoming quite successful.

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Malone: No, no, nothing to do with that…but we’ll talk about that another time. Erm, Crazy, Sexy Mike?

CSM: Yeah…

Malone: …BLORG!?

CSM: Come again?

Malone: …BLORG!?

CSM: What’s he on about, guys?

Campbell: He’s addressing why you decided your post-match speech consisted of you shouting “BLORG”?

CSM: What? When did I say Blorg?

Campbell: AT THE END OF YOUR MATCH!

CSM: I remember saying “Thank You all!”…where did you get BLORG from!?

Malone: You said “Blorg!” Didn’t he say Blorg!!?

The table agrees.

CSM: Well, I think you’re all mad! I said “Thank You all!” I don’t know what you guys were watching!

:lol: thats one of the funniest things ive read all day. This diary is awesome, keep up the good work. I cant wait to see what you have planned next.

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It’s Saturday again, and my garden is buzzing. Again, lots of people here without paying…hopefully this week we’ll get some REAL fans, not just relatives and friends. Perhaps I should make the friends pay…

Campbell: Don’t worry about ring announcing tonight, mate.

Malone: Why not?

Campbell: I’ve found someone who’ll do it for us…and for free.

Malone: Wow…who’s that?

Malone’s Mom: Hi, Jamie sweetheart!

Campbell: Oh, you already know her…

Campbell winks at Malone. Malone pulls an angry face and storms off. Malone’s Mom comes over to speak to Campbell.

Campbell: What’s up with old moody-pants tonight, Diane.

Malone’s Mom: I don’t know…but can you call me Malone’s Mom instead.

Campbell: Sure can, Malone’s Mom.

Malone (from a distance): I HATE YOU!!!

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Pretty Good Wrestling present… PGW Aaarrrrrgghh!!

Malone’s Mom gets a loud cheer from the audience as she circles the ring and takes the microphone.

Malone’s Mom: Ladies and gentlemen…at this time…may I recognize…THE DONKEY!!

The crowd cheer like crazy. The donkey this week is wearing a sombrero and has “Read Whacked Out Wrestling cos this is shit” painted on his side.

The show starts with Mr. Boombastic. He makes his way out to a lot of jeers from the crowd, but on the plus side he’s upgraded his jambox. He didn’t really have a choice, as he smashed his last one of Crazy Sexy Mike’s head! With “Mr. Boombastic” blaring, the man himself climbs into the ring and takes the microphone. He talks about what went down last week and what’s going to happen tonight.

Mr. Boombastic: And I know what’s gonna go down-town, tonight…cos I’m takin’ on dat Crazy Sexy Mike once again. We danced down to da ground last week, but dis week is-a gonna be different! Dis week, it’s gonna be Mista roowww-rowwww…mmmmantic…who walks away wid dat belt!

The crowd are getting onto him, starting a “You are ginger <clap – clap – clap – clap>” chant, which visibly upsets him.

Mr. Boombastic: You playa haters in the crowd need to learn respect for me! Because I’m the man wid no time to lose, and not’ing to prove. So, Crazy Mike…let’s not wait til later…and let’s rrraapp dowwwnn nooowww…

Boombastic throws the microphone down and waits for Crazy Sexy Mike. CSM appears from behind the donkey, and charges into the ring behind Boombastic. As Boombastic turns around, CSM rains down on him with hard right hands as the crowd cheer like crazy. CSM Clotheslines Boombastic all the way to the floor, and Boombastic gathers up his jambox and stumbles away. CSM grabs the microphone.

Crazy Sexy Mike: BOOMBASTIC!! YOU’VE SEEN THE SEXY SIDE…NOW PREPARE FOR THE CRAZY SIDE!! BLOOOOORRRGG!!!!!!

The crowd cheer for CSM…there’s that Blorg thing again though! Mike waves the belt around before leaving the ring.

Overall rating: 43%

The ring is empty again and the crowd are talking amongst themselves. Then, an unknown woman makes her way to the ring. She looks to be from Japanese descent. I say that because on the back of her T-Shirt it says “I’m From Japanese Descent”, so I kinda put two-and-two together there! She doesn’t make much eye contact with the crowd, as she climbs into the ring and takes the microphone.

??: Good evening, fans of Pretty Good Wrestling. You don’t know who I am, so I will tell you. My name is Yung Longtime, and I am here to represent two of the biggest stars in the small company.

The crowd give a mixed response, but you can hear Laughing Larry still chuckling over the name “Yung Longtime”.

Longtime: Tonight, you will see American Beetle versus Kung Fu Chicken Noodle in a Battel With Respect. Whatever the outcome, these two will move on and take on every comer in this company, and I will manage them to success.

Longtime steps out of the ring and joins Campbell and Laughing Larry at the commentary table.

Battel With Respect

American Beetle vs. Kung Fu Chicken Noodle

This match is a little step higher than their previous encounter. No more buildings in the ring, and they do attempt some basic wrestling (although it’s hard to do a collar and elbow tie up with a can of Chicken Noodles). Yung Longtime explained on commentary how she was teaching them “Westerm Ways” by watching old World Of Sport tapes.

Anyway, after a fair bit of technical excellence, it’s halted as American Bettle begins nailing Chicken Noodle with hard rights and left. Noodle fights back with some punches of his own before driving him into the corner and squashing him.

With the heavy moves coming out, Yung Longtime leaves the announce table, reaches under the ring and pulls out a huge cardboard cityscape. She rolls it into the ring and the fight REALLY begins, much to the delight of the crowd. After several shots with cardboard buildings, the contest ends when American Beetle hits the Presidential Pounce and drives Chicken Noodle into the cardboard nightmare!! American Beetle picks up the win.

Longtime enters the ring as the two shake hands, and she holds up both their hands and takes the microphone once more.

Longtime: Mark my words…Kaiju is here to stay…American Beetle and Kung Fu Chicken Noodle will love you and fight you…Long…time!!

The crowd cheer for the trio as they leave the ringside area. The Japanese photographers were, once again, all over this match. Before he leaves, American Beetle goes and says something Japanese to the camera crew which cause them to start cheering and dancing like crazy…not sure what he said!

Your Winner: American Beetle by Pinfall

Overall rating: 11%

The quiet is broken again. This time by Jungle music booming out of Darren Von Darren’s Vauxhall Nova! The crowd boo like crazy as Darren arrives wearing the BLING OF DOOM we saw last week. Darren grabs a microphone and begins to run down the audience before making an announcement.

Von Darren: I’m not happy with the fookers backstage in this shit! They’ve not even booked me a match for fook’s sake! So tonight, I’m ‘ere for two things, look. I’m here to challenge the Champion of this place for the belt I SHOULD ‘AVE FOOKIN’ WON!! NOT THAT QUEER FOOKER MIKE!! Secondly, I is ‘ere to “spectate”…moi brother learned me that word…it means…to fookin’…watch…and that’s what I’m gonna do!

Darren drops the microphone and finds a seat in the crowd. As he does, Flying Dragon jumps from the roof and lands in the seat next to him with amazing agility. The crowd cheer like mad for another amazing Flying Dragon entrance. As soon as Darren notices, he panics and tries to leave. But Flying Dragon is having none of it, and he kicks him hard in the head that knocks his cap off. Dragon throws Darren into the ring and takes the microphone.

Dragon: YOO VANT MATCH, YOO STUPID PIKEY FUKKA!? YOO HAV MATCH!! WRING BELL!!

Dragon never was a talker…

Overall rating 45%

Flying Dragon vs. Darren Von Darren

This match was a cut below their previous effort, but they still tried hard. Dragon dominated pretty much the entire match with hard kicks and springboard moves. No duffed spots this week, which was good.

Von Darren made his comeback on Dragon when Dragon missed with a Dropkick and landed badly on his leg. Von Darren battered his leg with forearms and knee smashes – even taking off his bling and cracking it over his leg. With Flying Dragon on one leg, Von Darren locked in an ankle lock.

Flying Dragon faught out of it, and kept Von Darren at bay with some punches and a Hurricanrana. Just as Flying Dragon had it all in hand again, Von Darren produces the BLING OF DOOM and blasted him in the head with it. The referee counted three and Darren was declared the winner.

Your Winner: Darren Von Darren by Pinfall

Overall Rating 39%

Darren grabbed the microphone once again.

Von Darren: You shouldn’t be messin’ wiv me, you fokker!! I just fokked you up, but I tell you what…I’m in the mood for it now…ref…ring the fookin bell and I’ll beat this fookin Chinky once again!

The ref, feeling threatened, rang the bell and the rematch started.

Flying Dragon vs. Darren Von Darren – Part Deux

One of the photographers took offense to the Chinky references, and began arguing with Von Darren. Von Darren went to grab one, and he cracked him with his camera. As Darren staggered back, Dragon picked up the BLING OF DOOM and smashed it over his head. Dragon made the cover and got the three to a huge ovation!

Flying Dragon helped the dazed photographer back to his seat before leaving the victor…of sorts.

Your Winner: Flying Dragon by Pinfall

Overall rating 42%

It’s main event time, and we throw it to Malone’s Mom! The crowd begin whistling and cat-calling. I, of course, get them singing “Malone’s Mom Has Got It Going On", whilst Laughing Larry laughs away. Malone still looks disgusted on the sidelines.

Mr. Boombastic is introduced and he makes his way out, the crowd booing like crazy! He’s really getting heat from these fans. Some guy aimed a brick at his head…lucky thing it missed. And that was his DAD for crying out loud, that’s how HEEL THIS GUY IS (exit hyperbole)

Crazy Sexy Mike makes his way out, and as he reaches the commentators position, he stops.

Campbell: Crazy Sexy Mike’s stopping…looks like he’s got something to say.

CSM takes Laughing Larry’s headset.

Crazy Sexy Mike: Darren Von Darren…here’s how it goes down. Once I’ve finished getting crazy with ginger pubes here…I’m coming for you. Next week, title or no title, we’re hooking up, BLOORRG!!

CSM walks away from the table and into the ring. As he enters, Boombastic attacks!!

Overall rating 44%

Vanilla Ice Memorial Championship

Crazy Sexy Mike © vs. Mr. Boombastic

Boombastic is brawling with Mike in the ring until both men spill out of the ring, courtesy of a Cactus Clothesline! They fight back and fourth through the crowd, and in a shocking moment, into the shed! The crowd hush as the shed door closes behind them. Suddenly, Mr. Boombastic comes flying through the shed door. Mike appears moments later, holding a shovel, as the crowd cheer.

After a battering with a shovel, Boombastic is rolled into the ring and gives himself time to breathe when he low blows the Crazy Sexy One. Boombastic takes control with multiple Legdrops and a Superplex. When he can’t get the three with conventional moves, he goes for plan B.

Boombastic grabs his Jambox and prepares to swing. He swings and Mike manages to do a Matrix duck and avoid it. Mike forces him to drop it and levels him with a DDT before going up and hitting the Crazy Sexy ‘Sault for the popular victory!

Crazy Sexy Mike celebrates with his fans at ringside. Everyone’s chanting “Blorg”, but Mike looks dumbfounded as to why they’re doing it. Everyone goes home happy!

Except Boombastic, who goes home in pain.

And Darren, because he doesn’t have a home…just his car.

Your Winner: Crazy Sexy Mike

Overall rating 37%

------------------------

Show Analysis

14/08/04

Overall rating: 36%

Best Match: Darren Von Darren vs. Flying Dragon (42%)

Worst Match: Kung Fu Chicken Noodle vs. American Beetle (11%)

(Looks familiar!!)

Best Segment: Darren Von Darren and Flying Dragon (45%)

Worst Segment: Yung Longtime's debut (34%)

Still pretty high for the Worst Segment!

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