Deadliest Warrior

[GhostMachine]

Spike TV started a new series called Deadliest Warrior, where they take two different types of warriors from history who never would have faced off with each other for real - either because they're in different time periods or vastly different parts of the world), demonstrate their weapons (usually having experts with those weapons demonstrating them) while they run scientific tests, then feed the data into a computer that simulates 1000 battles between each side. Rather than telling you who won, they show you an acted battle between a representative of each side, then give you the #s as far as who won each battle with what weapon.

So far, there have been 5 episodes, with the following matchups. I'm going to give the winners in spoiler tags, except one episode which was utter bullshit:

1. Apache vs. Gladiator

Spoiler: Click here to view

Apache - AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!!!

- Chuck Liddell helped demonstrate some of the Gladiator weapons in the episode, while they had actual Apaches, including a world champion knife fighter, demonstrating the Apache weapons.

2. Viking vs. Samurai

Spoiler: Click here to view

Samurai - and it wasn't as big a slaughter as I expected; the Samurai won something like 630+ battles, and I expected it to be closer to 775. I've talked to someone overseas whose ancestors were Vikings, and even he expected the Samurai to win more.

3. Spartan vs. Ninja

Spoiler: Click here to view

Spartan - bad matchup, as Ninjas were assassins, not actual warriors; they'd kill you using stealth, not in a hand to hand fight

4. Pirate vs. Knight. SKIP THIS EPISODE!!!! This is the episode I call "BULLSHIT!" on, as they had the Pirate winning. They gave the Pirate the edge with the Grenado and Blunderbuss despite the Grenado doing jack shit vs. armor and the Blunderbuss was too unreliable; it misfired during the demonstration, and on the second attempt only one pellet (it was loaded with grapeshot) even hit the armor, though it did penetrate. The Knight weapons they put them up against were both overkill weapons (The morning star did absolutely brutal damage, and actually de-brained the target, and the halberd would have left the Pirate sliced, diced and pierced), and I could have seen maybe giving the blunderbuss the edge over the halberd, but no way a grenado beats a morning star. Also the worst acted battle in the show so far, as they had a pretty contrived way the Pirate won the face-off (shot the Knight in the face with a flintlock - which was proven totally useless against armor, as it only dented it and didn't even hit where it was aimed at - while the Knight was down in the ground and had lifted his visor to see better).

They never took the Knight's shield into consideration in any of the weapons testing, and had it taken out of the face-off pretty quickly, which is another reason the results were crap. Of the 1000 battles simulated, the Pirate won around 630, but 198 of them were with the grenado, which wouldn't have penetrated the Knight's armor, just stunned him. The Knight only won 54 battles with the morning star, despite the fact that it was absolutely devastating. I think the results were fixed, they never explained why they gave the Pirate the edge with two weapons a Knight would have laughed at, and I HIGHLY recommend skipping the episode.

5. Mafia vs. Yakuza

Spoiler: Click here to view

Mafia

- Latest episode; I skipped it and will catch the re-run, but I did find out what weapons were used and who won - and I agree with the result, even if I don't like it.

The next episodes are going to be - and I'm listing my pick for who wins:

6. Green Beret vs. Spetsnaz (Green Beret, though I think it could actually go either way; Spetsnaz probably have the hand to hand edge)

7. Shaolin Monk vs. Maori (I know next to nothing about the Maori, so I am not going to make a prediction)

8. William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu (After watching the episode of Warriors (excellent show) on the Zulu, I'm going to go with Shaka Zulu, but I am already giving Wallace the edge at long range)

9. IRA vs. the Taliban - Yes, instead of Deadliest Warrior, they're going with Chickenshittest Terrorist for an episode. (IRA - no way they let a bunch of militant zealots the U.S. and its allies oppose the edge over so-called freedom fighters, though if it were up to me, it would be a draw, with both sides blowing each other up) Its too bad its not Al Queda vs. IRA, because I bet Al Queda would win by flying a plane into a pub.

I recommend checking out the show Warriors on the History Channel more than I do Deadliest Warrior. Its hosted by Terry Shappert, who is an actual Green Beret and gives you information on their cultures and tactics, not just their weapons. I need to catch the re-run of the Samurai episode, but the Zulu and Vikings episodes and the episode about the Knights of St. John (Part of the Knights Templar) holding off the Ottoman Turks at Malta despite being vastly outnumbered were really great and are my favorites so far. The first episode was on Mayans, and Terry actually hurt himself with one of the weapons in it (sliced a gash in his leg with an obsidian edged war club), but that was the only part of the episode that really stood out.

Edited May 7, 2009 by GhostMachine

[K]

That sure is a lot of angry words about a show that involves aspie nerds spazzing about hit points and ninjas.

I watched Samurai Vs Whatever drunk off my ass with a bunch of friends, and it was pretty funny, but I'm 100% certain I was laughing at it, not with it.

[MalaCloudy Black]

I'd rather watch Warriors, with Terry Schappert. That show's cool.

[Hellfire]

I've caught it a couple times when I was half asleep. Wasn't too bad, but nothing I'd be bothered to miss.