The Battle for Vince's Soul

[The Third Dukes]

You win some. You lose some. In this case, we lose more than we win. This chapter details the shortest title reign in the year or so I've been doing the BVS universe -- 24 hours. It's also the only time I've sanctioned a title change at a house show.

What? You didn't know you could? Well, you kinda can. See, you have to:

1. Vacate the titles;

2. Do a segment on TV where the titles are given to someone else;

3. Gloss over it in your diary.

It's that simple! Or, in my case, bizarre. Anyway, that's the story and I'm sticking to it. Below are the details, including a TLCVI that has to be seen to be underwhelmed by.

Oh, it was around this time that Virtual Keith REALLY became a superstar. To wit:

I actually think that your virtual Keith is better than real-life Keith. Plus, you spend more time talking about the wrestling and less time putting yourself over.

Is ANYONE sick of Virtual Keith? I'm not.

And my readers had their own bizarre statements to make, like...

Vince as a demon = ratings.

Now you need the Exorcist.

Never mind the plight of his eternal soul! Keep something for the fans!

I didn't say it then, and in fact didn't start using it until later, but: Yup, these are my readers.

*****

Chapter 22

Transition

Tuesday, September 16, 2003, 06:44 PM

Raleigh, NC

All four teams were in separate parts of the building getting ready for the TLC match. Each one had a soundbite to shoot that would play over their entrance for the home crowd. All eight of us were to be interviewed about our roles in this event.

Before the soundbite, Matt called me aside. He seemed mildly stressed out.

"What's wrong, Matt?"

"It's just... tonight's gonna be bittersweet, man. All the way up the line, it's been me and Jeff, Jeff and me. We've both stuck together for so long... and now I'm winning with someone else. I feel like... well, no offense or nothin', but... it's just weird. I wish he could be here to share it. You know?"

I saw a chance. "Matt," I said, "Jeff needs to see you. You need to talk to him. He's not good... I couldn't get to him. I think he needs to talk to family."

"Shannon, I really want to, but we got titles to defend. Vince is countin' on us."

"Matt, he'll let you do this for one weekend. Look, how's this: I'll talk to him about taking Sunday off. We can drop the titles back at MSG -- heck, we're only having them as transitions anyway -- then we watch Unforgiven with Jeff and catch up with everyone in Philly on Tuesday. It'll work, won't it?"

"I dunno... I'm just torn, man. I wanna help him, but I wanna... I don't wanna be fired."

"Matt, you're not gonna be fired. Vince isn't like that." Well, he wasn't before this whole demon thing, anyway. "He'll understand. He saw what Jeff was like. C'mon, Matt... just... lemme try, okay?"

"All right... lemme be there when we talk, though. I think I know what to say."

*****

09:27 PM

All four teams stood in the ring. Haas and Shelton had just entered and were huddling in one corner. The APA drank a final round on the way to the ring, and prepped themselves. Spanky was busy heeling it to the crowd -- given our status as faces, Spanky had cut an in-house promo to be the heel. I simply stared upward. That's a long way to climb.

Tajiri slid out of the ring and returned with a chair. He charged at me. Aw crap. Upon impact, I dove backwards over the top rope to the floor. I heard a thousand shots in the ring as the war was on. Tajiri slid outside and picked me up. I low blowed him to regain my bearings, then charged him. He ducked and sent me flying onto the steps. I rolled off of them to the floor as Tajiri returned to the ring. I waited for over a minute as the crowd oohed and ahhed in the ring.

I walked around and found a ladder on the outside. I looked in the ring. The APA were beating on Haas and Matt with chairs. I put the ladder on the apron and climbed over it into the ring. I then picked up the ladder and charged the APA. I tossed the ladder at them, then dropkicked it, knocking them both over. On the other side of the ring, Matt had knocked Haas into the corner and gone down on all fours. I knew what to do next. I charged, ready to vault off of Matt. However, Haas did the vaulting and knocked me down with a huge clothesline, which I spun out of.

As I crawled up, I felt a huge boot on my back. I braced myself as the boot placed its weight on me, then pushed off. I collapsed afterward, then looked in the direction the boot was headed. Matt had done Poetry in Motion off of me onto Spanky and Shelton. Why didn't he warn me? I slowly got to my feet, only to see Simmons setting the ladder up and trying to climb. I pulled him off, then ran up the ladder while holding his head, turning it into a Tornado DDT. When I stood up, Bradshaw came at me with a chair, knocking me back down for quite some time.

As I lay motionless, I heard the crowd chant for tables. Tajiri tried a ladder climb, but was yanked off. I heard Bradshaw hit several people with a chair, until Spanky gave him a Vandaminator. With only Simmons and Spanky up, Simmons delivered a spinebuster on the ladder, then rolled outside to find a table. As he did, I slowly crawled to my feet. Simmons set the table up in the corner as I stood up. Simmons grabbed me from behind and back suplexed me as Matt rolled outside for a second table.

Simmons picked me up and went to toss me into the table, but I slid out of the ring. Meanwhile, Haas and Shelton had recovered and were climbing. Simmons shoved the ladder down, causing both men to fall, then picked up the ladder and charged to the outside. I ran away, then climbed the guardrail. As Simmons stalked Matt, I ran and rounded the corner. I tackled the ladder into Simmons, sacrificing myself again. Back in the ring, Tajiri had found another ladder, and more climbing attempts were being made.

As I got up, Simmons crawled around behind me. He had the ladder and set it up on the outside. I pounded him from behind and tossed him into the ring. He rolled to a spot near the corner as I adjusted the ladder. "Stay down," I said to him as I climbed. At the top, I saw he was perfectly positioned. I leapt off the ladder, doing a half twist in mid-air and landing seated on the top rope. From there, I used the momentum to complete a backflip onto Simmons. The result: a split-legged monsault type thing that probably seemed better in theory than in execution. Hopefully it's the thought that counts.

As I got up, I saw that Spanky was agonizingly close to the belts, while Haas was crawling over. I thought fast and charged the ladder. I dove for Spanky near the top, causing the ladder to tumble over. Spanky, the ladder, and I all landed on Haas's back. We were all down again as Matt and Tajiri started doing their part.

I rolled out of the ring and met Bradshaw on the outside. I started to backpedal as the big Texan seemed like a bull, snorting and foaming at the mouth, ready to charge and gore. He charged, all right, but I sidestepped and sent him crashing over the steps into the guardrail. Whew.

I looked under the ring and pulled out another table, bringing the total to three. As Matt, Haas, and Spanky were going at it in the ring, Simmons and I set up the three tables in a pyramid on the outside. Meanwhile, Bradshaw had recovered enough to grab a fourth table. This one he brought into the ring. He clotheslined down three people in a row, but Matt dropkicked him out of the ring. Simmons came back in and doubled him over with a boot to the gut. From there, he turned Matt around and hit the Dominator through the in-ring table, throwing himself down for extra force. With Simmons on his knees in front of Matt and the wreckage, Tajiri dimmed his lights with the buzzsaw kick. Two men out, five to go.

I climbed back into the ring, where I expected Tajiri to attack me. He didn't, though, because Bradshaw returned and did it first. I tried to defend myself from the fists landing against my skull, but they came too fast for me. My left eye was almost swollen shut. I thought fast and went low on Bradshaw to get him to stop. It worked, as he sold the low blow. I tossed him through the ropes to the outside, where he staggered onto the lower deck of tables. Haas grabbed me from behind, though, and held me in position for Shelton to deliver the leapfrog choke. I waited. It took forever, but he finally landed, and with seemingly double the force, as if he had jumped off a ladd... er... oh.

I writhed around on the floor as Shelton climbed the top rope. He was ready to fly off the top rope, but Spanky crotched him. Spanky then climbed up after him and delivered a superplex onto the spare ladder on Shelton. Tajiri, meanwhile, baseball slid to the outside to knock a returning Bradshaw back to the table stack. Both men proceeded to beat each other into a pulp while Haas grabbed me back in the ring. He set me up on the top rope and was to try a back superplex. I twisted in midair and landed on top of him, getting the crowd recharged. On the outside, Tajiri was placed on the lower deck of the table pyramid, and Bradshaw was about to return. I baseball slid him, and this time Bradshaw did it properly, flying back onto the lower deck next to Tajiri. I stood at the ropes when Haas charged. I ducked and flipped him over the top. Haas somersaulted out onto the top table, breaking it and crashing him into the lower two tables, breaking them as well. Haas had put himself, Tajiri, and Bradshaw through tables. I was alone.

I slumped over to where Matt was and revived him. The two of us staggered over to the ladder and climbed. The crowd got louder and louder. Nothing could stop us. We were at the top. I reached, but Matt stopped me. He pantomimed what was basically an "allow me". I held the ladder steady as Matt loosened the strap. The bell rang, and the crowd exploded. The hometown boys had won.

*****

12:14 AM

"Paul, I have to do this."

"Why, Andy? What's wrong?"

"I don't think right now that Kathleen and I can work together. And you told me to be the better man. So I'm willing to move if it will make things easier."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm very sure. I don't know how it'll happen, but I'm gonna ask to be on RAW. You work it out with Shawn. Let him know I'm coming over. This shouldn't be negotiable, ok?"

"Fine. I'll see what I can do. If you think this is the right thing... go with your heart. That's all I can advise."

*****

Friday, September 19, 2003, 11:15 AM

Stamford, CT

Paul drove us to the Titan headquarters. Matt was merely told that he wanted to say the storylines could cover the absence. I knew better. I knew that Vince would likely be a tough sell, especially since his demon knew of me. Paul had been able in the past to reason with him. I hoped now would be the time.

We entered the top floor of Titan Towers. Vince McMahon sat behind his desk. Everything was a glistening silver, from the shine on the metal frame of his desk to the "home gym" apparatus he kept in the corner. The shine was so bright, no one could have guessed the dark secret within.

"Mr. McMahon, sir," began Matt. "Shannon and I are gonna stage an intervention for my brother. He needs to clean up his act, and we think this is gonna help. We'd like permission to do it on Sunday, and if need be, we'll drop the titles in MSG instead of on SmackDown! Would that help you?"

Vince turned around in his chair. I stared into his eyes. Already I couldn't tell whether they were blue, green, or gray. All I could see was black. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's that I know what the deal is. Yeah, that's it.

"Matt, we gave you these titles as a vote of confidence. If you were going to be absent for the weekend, you could have told us before the TLC match, right?"

"Well, Mr. McMahon... it's that I just found out about this today. Like I said, tomorrow we'll go out and job these over if ya want. We wanna do what's right for the WWE, but first and foremost, we wanna do what's right for my brother."

"I'm sure you do," said Vince, his sincerity ringing a falsehood with me. "Paul, why are you here?"

"Well, Vince, I've talked with the boys on the writing team, and we feel that we can work our way through this if necessary. This sort of thing is probably not that big a deal in the end, and, uh, if they need extra time we can handle that while still building to No Mercy."

"Extra time? These two BOYS want time? Matt, I can understand why you'd think your brother is worth the time of day..."

Vince turned to me. My blood ran cold as he spoke.

"...but Shannon... this is not your fight to win. Don't try to defy me on this. You will submit to my authority, and you will do what I want, when I want it. You can't beat me. What makes you think I have to have my will subjected to that of a little punk like you?"

"VINCE!" Paul screamed and grabbed him by the arm. "For God's sake, he just wants time off! He's not jumping ship! Now let him have it, for your own damn good."

Vince's eyes narrowed, and he stared at Paul as if trying to use laser beams to burn two holes in his chest. Eventually, he softened. His teeth lost their grit. He took deep breaths.

"I'm sorry, Paul, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I'm gettin' a little old, huh? Anyway, guys, it's all right. Take the time you need. You don't have to drop the titles tomorrow. But I expect that you'll do what's right when you return." His eyes stared right at me again. "Both of you."

I held my ground. "Yes, sir."

*****

Saturday, March 20, 08:03 PM

MSG, NYC, NY, USA

The APA awaited us in the ring as the MSG's screens loaded the Mattitude 'webpage'. I glanced at the Matt Fact: Matt has been part of 2 championship teams. I chuckled. How typically self-serving. We entered the arena, showing our V-1 hand sign. The tag team belt didn't seem to fit right around my waist. Perhaps there was a very good reason for that -- I wasn't championship material -- but now wasn't the time to think of that. Now was the time to die.

It began as soon as we entered the ring. They met us and began pounding away. Thankfully for me, Simmons took me while Bradshaw took Matt. I've had enough punishment for one week. It wasn't to last, as I was soon whipped into Bradshaw's Clothesline from Hell. Matt saved at two, but the punishment wasn't over. Bradshaw whipped me hard into the turnbuckle, then charged in, crunching me and sending me to the ground. He dropped a series of knees to my back before I bailed out.

Matt went around and found me as Simmons and Bradshaw approached. Each one charged us, but we ducked and they crashed into each other. We rolled Bradshaw back in and switched off. Matt began working his arm to pause for time while Simmons led an "APA" chant. When I was tagged back in, I landed a pair of dropkicks to the shoulder before continuing the armbar. Bradshaw tries to power out of it into a Samoan drop, but I slid down his back and rolled him up for two. Bradshaw was up quickly, but I ducked him and went back to an armbar. As he made the ropes, I stomped the arm and tagged Matt back in.

Matt went to the top rope and yelled. Bradshaw chased him up for a superplex, but Matt headbutted the arm and delivered a second-rope Side Effect. Simmons saved, but as the ref escorted him out, I entered and did the same thing to Bradshaw that Kathleen had done to me -- dropped his throat on the top rope. I ran back to the corner, smiling, as Matt hit a German suplex for two. I climbed to the top rope as he tagged me in. He grabbed my arms as I leaned forward, and we hit a rocket launcher. I covered for two. I pretended to get mad, then set him up for a Twist of Fate. Alas, I didn't yell prior to it, so the cover still only got two.

I tagged Matt in as we got more and more frustrated. Matt went up top as I climbed the opposite buckle. We dove for the combination legdrop/splash that Matt and Jeff used to do. Of course, this time, it missed, as Bradshaw rolled out of both of our ways, leaving everyone down. Bradshaw crawled to his corner. I clung onto his ankle desperately, only to be kicked away. Matt grabbed his other ankle as I dove to the front to elbowdrop him. I left the ring, but as I did, Matt pulled Bradshaw up for an ankle lock, only to be kicked away to the corner. Bradshaw got Simmons in.

Simmons attacked Matt in the corner, pummelling him with fists to the midsection. I ran in to pull Simmons away, only to get doubled over by a shot to the solar plexus, then spine bustered as only Simmons could. I rolled back out of the ring as Simmons beat Matt down repeatedly. He set Matt up for the Dominator, but I ran back in and clipped him from behind. Matt fell on top for two. Bradshaw returned as the referee lost control, and all four of us were at it again.

In the melee, Simmons tossed me across the ring. I saw the referee standing there, and I acted like I was trying to slam on the breaks, but I couldn't. I collided with Mike Chioda, and we both went down. I rolled outside and grabbed the title belt, bringing it in with me. I hit Bradshaw in the shoulder with it, causing him to grab it in pain. I tried to capitalize with an armbar, but at the same time, Simmons slammed me and grabbed the belt. He clocked Matt with it as a second referee entered. Simmons covered, and the arena counted the three along with the ref.

The APA's music played as I slowly rolled to my feet. I saw Chioda pulling himself up by the ropes as Brian Hebner handed Simmons the one title belt. He couldn't find the other, which Simmons had cavalierly tossed out of the ring. Choida saw it, though. He staggered over to Hebner, and the two began an argument. Chioda pointed to the belt in the aisleway, as I walked over to add to the illusion. Chioda and Hebner were yelling about which one had jurisdiction.

Vince didn't tell us which way it would go. He said he'd make up his mind and relay it to the referees. He seemed rather upset, but I know Matt and I said we didn't mind. It's Madison Square Garden. These things happen. I just hope he isn't setting us up. I looked at Matt. He half-smiled as he rolled up. He must expect to win. Finally, I heard Chioda speak:

"All right, the call stands."

Edited August 9, 2004 by Dukes

[The Third Dukes]

If you've ever listened to the song "Hurt", either the sweet remake performed by Johnny Cash or the original performed by Trent Reznor, you know what a moving powerful song it is. To Cash, it was all about the life lived long and fear of death. To Reznor, though, it was about a heroin addict unable to escape his addiction. So it is here.

This chapter is almost two chapters in one. In fact, when first written, it WAS two chapters. The first part is a capsule of the intervention staged by Matt, Shannon, and friend Evan Karagias for Jeff Hardy. Even back then, Jeff was a known druggie, and the implications of homosexuality were pretty strong (though clearly false). Throw all this in, shake, and serve. Really, Jeff was a bit character in all this, and is still the character that brings to me the most sympathy, and the most pity.

During this chapter, we also see Unforgiven. Talk about a throwaway PPV. Even the main event was clearly booked at the last minute and therefore hideously overinvolved. Russo would've been proud. The Noo Yawker, not ours. In fact, our VR told me he thought the main event was poorly done and did nothing to make the new champ look good.

Given the champ wins from HHH, mission accomplished.

And yet, these two disparate segments are united, not just because they are short, but because they have a common theme: moving on. Jeff could never move on from being cut by the WWE, and he could never see anyone else moving on. It left him completely incapable of imagining the world as it stood in the future -- with results that, while I won't reveal them here, you should brace yourself for. The WWE, meanwhile, was moving on from the Goldberg experiment, and the first step was to get a new main eventer. I was hoping this would do it, but booking made the person I chose almost a transition champion despite my best efforts. Sigh.

Random thoughts:

The Hurricane/Storm match on HEAT was added because their feud seemed a natural for the HEAT slot. Of course, I had no confidence in it, so I turned it into a three-way with Kevin Nash in an attempt to bolster one or the other. I should not have worried -- Hurricane got along fine, and Storm is a WWE lost cause. Nash, meanwhile... well, whatever.

The prediction contest for Unforgiven had about 15 entries and ran the gauntlet of personalities from VR to CXD. In fact, it may be the only time VR and CXD both entered the same contest -- although I do remember asking VR politely if he would, so I don't think that counts.

*****

Chapter 23

The Next Phase of Life

Sunday, September 21, 2003, 03:15 PM

Cameron, NC

Evan had joined us at Jeff's place -- well, if it could be called a place. The living quarters were in disarray. The TV was set to the PPV channel -- Jeff was ordering -- but it was on top of an overturned clothes-hamper. All around were old clothes. The place had a mildly unpleasant odor that I couldn't place. Pots and pans sat in the sink. I saw a needle in the trash can, which hadn't been emptied in weeks.

"Jeff... bro... what the hell? What's going on?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm applying for a job with CZW, man. I think I can stick this time."

"You in CZW? That won't be pretty, man. Besides, that's in Philadelphia, and you're here in North Carolina! You can't make your life doing OMEGA all year."

"I can try. I don't eat much, I don't get luxuries..."

"Jeff, look at this place. This is what trying has gotten you so far. You were sent out of the WWE because you were out of control. I don't see you in control yet. I, we, want to help you. Shannon and I gave up a World Tag Team title reign to be here with you!"

"Shut up, Matt. You won them. I saw it."

I jumped in. "No, Jeff. We lost them last night in MSG. Vince said to choose between you and the titles. We're here."

"You're idiots. I don't need your help. I don't need to be pulled out of anything, man. I got my friends here, and I got a job here. I'm fine."

Evan walked over to the trash can and pulled the needle off of it. "Is this what your friends give you?" he asked. "Because if so, they won't be your friends when you become another guy out on the street. You know we'll let you in. They won't!"

"Evan, please, let me," said Matt. "Jeff, I know why you left. You're hooked on this stuff. You'll never be let in -- Combat won't do it -- unless you're clean. You gotta get yourself back on track. Whether it's us, or the band, or just starting over in a clean life. You need help."

Jeff stared at Matt. "Do I look like someone who needs help? I'm fine. I'm in great health. I'm taking care of myself."

"Look around!" I yelled. "You call this garbage dump taking care of yourself? This place looks like a welfare home. Do you even get out any more unless it's to work? Do you honestly have fun? Jeff, I don't want anything to happen to you. You gotta wake up. You gotta get off this shit and turn it around. Please."

Jeff simply stared at me. He seemed to be at a loss for words. Something was bothering him. He looked at the needle in Evan's hand. His teeth gritted. I could tell he was trying not to cry.

"Guys," I said, "allow me. I think I can help."

I grabbed Jeff's arm and took him into his room while Matt and Evan waited. I closed the door behind me.

"Jeff, listen," I said, thinking back to the actions that Kathleen performed and Shannon remembered. "I came here last week to cheer you up. I didn't do the right thing. Look, I may love you, but I'm not gonna let this be a part of my life. Jeff, you gotta make a decision. Right here and now, decide between me and the drug. I'm not gonna take a backseat to your habit."

Jeff was angry. He put one arm around my neck, and the other went up my outer thigh. "Shannon, baby, I don't wanna lose you. I swear I'm not bad. I really ain't. I just gotta be me. You knew that."

"This isn't being you, Jeff," I snapped as I pushed his hand away from my leg. "You're not a slave to anyone or anything. Right now, you are, because you're not being you. The Jeff I know and love wouldn't let himself be taken over by some inanimate object. Whatever happened to pushing the limits? To living your life to the edge? You can't do that stuck in North Carolina. Please, listen."

"Shannon, it's too late. I..."

"It's never too late. Look, you don't need this wrestling stuff. I'd be so much happier if you were doing some desk job, clean and sober, making money, in touch with us. Matt doesn't deserve to be cut out of your life. Be a part of the human race. Got it?"

Jeff stared at me. He kissed me quickly, while seemingly holding back tears. "Shannon... get a blood test. Please."

"Jeff... are you going to get help? I want you to go to rehab. You need to beat this."

"Fine. Fine, I'll do it. Just get tested. Please."

I figured there was nothing to lose by agreeing. I didn't feel worried. "Okay. I will. I want you to keep your promise too, though."

"All right... all right. Thank you, Shannon."

"Don't thank me yet. Thank me when you're sober and straightedge. You need help... at least you know now."

He just cried. "Could you get Matt please?"

I stepped outside. "Matt," I called. "Jeff wants to talk to you now."

*****

07:47 PM

We gathered around the TV in Jeff's place, ready to enjoy another Pay-Per-View together like the ones we'd watched as kids. Matt had ordered the pizza, while I got the place in better condition. Evan and Jeff were playing checkers to pass the time. Meanwhile, Spike TV was on, and Heat had reached the main event.

Evil, dark music plays as Lance Storm -- in full black and yellow regalia -- makes his way to the ring. He smiles as he enters the ring, then poses in the middle with a maniacal laugh, which is certainly better than when he started. He waits for his foe.

STAND BACK yells the PA system as the Hurricane enters down a green-lit entranceway. He strikes his pose at the top of the entranceway as the crowd cheers. He enters the ring and stares at Storm, who stares right back. Both men remove their capes and continue staring as they wait for the bell.

They lock up, and Storm chops out of it, tossing Hurricane to the corner and sneering at him. Hurricane stands back up and charges in. A slugfest erupts, which Storm wins by kicking Hurricane's leg, then hitting the clawhold. Hurricane begins to wilt, then when the referee counts two, he dramatically returns to a standing position, charging up the whole time. He knocks Storm down with a right hand. Storm pops back up and gets hit a second time, then a third time.

Hurricane gives the thumbs-up and climbs to the top rope. His moonsault press is caught by Storm, who teases a Tombstone attempt before losing his balance and falling on his back for two. Hurricane and Storm both stand up and stare each other down before Storm tries to go low. Hurricane blocks him and delivers the Shining Wizard for two. Storm is dazed, so Hurricane climbs to the top rope with his cape and hits a Superman dive... that falls about a foot short as Storm backpedals. Storm laughs an evil laugh, then bends over and yells something at Hurricane about his impending doom. This, of course, is Primary Villain Error #1, as Hurricane recovers enough to grab the goozle. Storm reverses it to an armbar, but Hurricane makes the ropes.

Storm stares at the referee, as if trying to intimidate him. He then grabs Hurricane and begins to try to remove the mask. Hurricane blocks it by biting Storm's hand, complete with oversell from Storm. Hurricane then delivers a discus punch to Storm, knocking him down. He picks Storm up for the Eye of the Hurricane, but Storm hooks the ropes and Hurricane crashes down without him.

Before Storm can capitalize, though, the familiar engine roar starts up. Kevin Nash, not seen since SummerSlam makes his return, chugging down the aisle after Storm. Nash boots Storm down, causing the referee to end the match. As Hurricane gets up, he objects to the foul play and gets pummeled as well. Hurricane and Storm deliver a double superkick to knock Nash down, but Storm DDTs Hurricane soon after. Nash is back up and clotheslines Storm as all three attack each other while officials try to break it up. Jim Ross screams about how wild the Pay-Per-View will be if this is only Heat.

We turned the channel over to the PPV station as the doorbell rang. "Hey, right on time," said Matt, answering the door. Jeff took a seat next to me and gave me a quick hug. "Thanks," he said.

"No," I replied. "Thank you."

*****

- The SmarK Rant for Unforgiven, Sept. 21, 2003.

- Live from Hershey, PA.

- Your hosts are Good Ol' JR and Jerry Lawler, with Jonathan Coachman playing third wheel backstage.

- Earlier on Heat, Hurricane and EVIL~! Lance Storm had themselves a fine match until Big Injured Kevin Nash made his return to break it up. Yeah, Kev may be over, but he's clearly the third wheel here. Match ran 7:03 and got an astonishing ***1/2 despite all the silliness, making it Match of the Night. And with that, we're off.

- Opening match, Tag Team Titles: Dudley Boyz v. Chris Nowinski and Rodney Mack. Dudleyz bring Trish Stratus out to counter the thugger and/or bugger at ringside. Big brawl to start, as the black team (which is half white) beats up on the white team (which is half black). I wholeheartedly support the use of Nowinski in any storyline where he can be an ironic arrogant heel. It works SO much better that way. Mack pounds on Bubba and gets That F*cking Move for two. Bubba elbows out, and he and D-Von hit a double neckbreaker (WHICH IS NOT 3-D, JIMBO!) for two. D-Von slams Mack down, but Nowinski pops him with the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA SPECIAL FACIAL APPLIANCE OF DEATH to make D-Von brother-in-peril. Nowinski comes in with a DDT and suplex for two. Mack tries the Blackout, but Bubba saves. Teddy Long, of course, adds his two cents on the outside with a few stomps, getting Mack two. Nowinski goes for the Double Arm DDT, but Bubba stops it. Mack cuts off the hot tag and pounds away for two. Team Black hits a double suplex for two. Double clothesline misses, noggins get knocked, hot tag Bubba. Bubba Bomb for Nowinski, but Long tries to interfere. Ref is distracted, so Trish takes D-Von's place in the Wazzup Drop, and Nowinski gets nailed in the Ivy Leagues. Mack catches Trish in a sitout MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER, but D-Von foregoes the tables to object with the Saving Grace. 3-D finishes on Nowinski at 8:24. Very energetic opener, as everyone had fun out there. **3/4

- BUT WAIT! Jazz objects to the result, leading to Nowinski putting D-Von through a table. Molly runs in for the save, and we get...

- Women's Title: Molly Holly v. Jazz. Molly and Jazz begin catfighting right from the opening bell, which is so unnecessary for these two. Jazz controls with a shot to the turnbuckle, followed by blows to the back of the neck. A bridging chinlock follows, but Molly makes the ropes. Jazz hits a swinging neckbreaker for two. Rodney Mack (still at ringside) drops Molly's neck on the ropes, getting two for Jazz. A brawl erupts on the outside and the ref sends them all to the back, missing Molly scoring a rollup for what would have been three. Molly goes up top, but Jazz meets her with a superplex into an STF. Molly barely makes the ropes. She's dead weight, though, so Jazz tries a powerbomb, only to have Molly sandbag it. A second try is reversed to a rana for two. Jazz lariats Molly for two. Blackout, but Molly falls back on Jazz for two. Jazz tries a half-crab, but Molly wiggles out to an enzuigiri. She's barely able to stand, so Jazz is up first and covers for two. Jazz picks Molly up, and a piledriver gets two. Rude Awakening gets two. Fisherman's buster gets two. Jazz tries it again off the top, but Molly shoves her off, then hits the Molly-Go-Round for the pin at 6:59. Crowd was deeply into this match, but it was just the standard women's stuff, only with a story attached. Molly sold like a champ, and JR did his job putting her over too. I smell big things for Molly now. *3/4

- Backstage, HHH is searching WWE.com to figure out who his opponent is. Steve Austin reminds us he's the referee for tonight.

- Intercontinental Title: Booker T v. Randy Orton. Booker cleans house to start, causing Orton to bail. Booker slides out to meet him and the two brawl around ringside. Back in the ring (what a concept), Orton clips him to take over. Kneebar and kneedrop get two. Play of the Day gets two. Legsweep and figure-four follow, but Booker makes the ropes. Orton simply kicks his leg out of his leg for two. He even does Owen's "what about me" pantomime, in a bit that I'm sure maybe 5 people caught. But I'm one of them, which is all that matters. Boston crab, but we're in Pennsylvania so Booker powers out. Missile dropkick is ducked, and Booker comes back. Axe kick, but Booker stalls mid-Spinarooni due to the leg. Orton hits a rolling cradle for two. He switches to a Sharpshooter (damn, is Owen's ghost booking now?), but Booker reverses to one of his own. Seriously, this is so Stampede-influenced. The only thing missing is Evil Ref Sandy Scott. Orton breaks, then mule kicks Booker before trying an Orto-Roonie. It goes as well as expected. Booker clotheslines him down, then goes up top. Missile dropkick hurts Booker more than Orton, and Orton captializes with a figure-four. Booker makes the ropes. Oklahoma Roll gets two for Orton. He tries an Indian deathlock, but bothces it and Booker kicks away to cover for the mistake. Booker's leg lariat hits the ref, allowing HHH to run in. Booker ducks him and gives HIM the leg lariat, but Orton finds both belts and clocks Booker with them (stacked) as Flair revives the ref for the pin and title change at 8:14. Orton is improving daily, and I like where this goes with Booker. Preferably to the main event for revenge. **3/4

- La Resistance v. New Blood. Conway and Dupree start, and Dupree slaps away and does a cartwheel. Conway goes ballistic with punches, and a belly-to-belly gets two. Grenier eats one as well, and both men bail, allowing Maven to follow with a quebrada. Back in, Conway gets two. Maven hits a dropkick and a Broncobuster on Grenier (with the announcers questioning whether Grenier likes it -- gee, great, more Pat Patterson jokes), but Dupree gets a neckbreaker from behind. Double DDT gets two as Maven is YOUR Yankee-in-peril. Dupree with a suplex and That F*cking Move for two. Grenier gets a piledriver for two. Double suplex gets two. La Resistance toss Maven over the top to the outside, and back in for two. Conway distracts the ref, allowing Grenier and Dupree a chance for a double superkick for two. Dupree dragon screws Maven and hits a figure-four, but Maven makes the ropes. Maven ducks a double-clothesline and hits a double of his own. Grenier prevents the tag, and the French get an suplex / elbowdrop combo for two. Dupree with the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF DOOM (with cheating, naturally), but Maven breaks out. Grenier with a Flying Jalapeno for two. Dupree misses whatever off the top, hot tag Conway. Dupree is backed into the corner, and something spectacular unfolds: Conway sets him on the top rope for a superplex, but Grenier charges in. Maven charges after HIM, and the result is Conway on Grenier on Maven, and the resulting TRIPLE STACK BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPERPLEX sends poor Dupree literally into the opposite turnbuckle. Wow. Conway gets two, with the foot in the ropes. Maven dropkicks Grenier, but Conway tosses Dupree into Maven, who stumbles over Grenier, who rolls him up for two. Grenier is escorted out, so Dupree legdrops Maven and tries a second figure-four, only to have Conway hit the CLAWHOLD~! as Dupree spins around. Dupree falls flat on the mat, instantly paralyzed, and the three is academic at 10:42. Jim Cornette is THE MAN for getting all these guys the training they have. **1/4

- Austin announces that the poll is closed, and the results are displayed.

Benoit ************ 35%

Booker *** 9%

Goldust * 1%

Hurricane ***** 16%

Rock ************* 38%

Steiner * 1%

- However, he says that he since the vote was so close, he would consider putting both men in the match. To no one's surprise, Bischoff shoots that idea down, and says there must be ONE challenger for the title tonight. Darn.

- Chris Benoit v. Big Show. Faster than I can type this recap, Benoit blitzes Show and wins with the usual in 0:55. I avoid DUD out of respect for Benoit. 1/4* Still, it felt good to see this happen. I guess I will stop picking on Big Show now. Yeah, right.

- Kane v. The Rock. Kane no-sells Rock's punches to start, then grabs Rock's hand and works the arm off of it. Rock scampers to the ropes, so Kane follows. Kane gets sent into the steps and no-sells that, too. Back in, Kane wins the LOCKUP OF DOOM and tosses Rock into the corner. From there, it's a trip over the top to the floor, then into the post, then back into the ring. Rock hits a backspin DDT, but Kane sits up. Rock charges in with a belly-to-belly, but Kane blocks it and casually powerslams Rock. Choking follows. Kane runs through his repertoire of clotheslines before Rock tries to go low to reverse the momentum. Kane blocks the spit-punch and tosses Rock hand-first over the top to the floor. Outside, Rock bounces around for Kane like a pinball before they wind their way to the Spanish announcer's table. Rock reverses a chokeslam into a Rock Bottom through the table, but Kane sits up again. This is a bit much, isn't it? Back in, Kane blocks a roundhouse right and tosses Rock to the corner, booting him out of the ring. Rock blades. Kane then works on the cut on the outside, getting it to .7 Muta. Back in, Kane digs the sole of his boot into Rock's face, all the time yelling about how he'll disfigure the movie star. Rock grabs the boot and tries an anklelock (sort of), but Kane stands up and hits the KANEZUIGIRI. Kane grabs the goozle and chokeslams Rock FIVE TIMES. Without release. Yeeouch. He covers, but picks Rock up at two. Tombstone, but again Rock is picked up at two. A second Tombstone, and AGAIN Rock is picked up at two as the announcers and fans are freaking out. Kane delivers his sixth and seventh chokeslams, then three straight powerbombs before finally the ref just stops the match at 13:15, giving the Brock Lesnar Finish. But Kane isn't done, as he delivers a Tombstone on the steps outside, then tosses the stairs at Rock's already-bloody face. Coachman tries to get assistance for Rock, but Kane chokeslams HIM, too. A man runs in (identified as Rock's movie agent, but likely some indy guy), and he gets Tombstoned onto the other bodies. Kane goes for the barbecue, but cops run in and stop it, arresting Kane on the spot. Kane is booed out of the building. Now THAT'S how you put a monster heel over. **1/2

- As the carnage is cleared, Hurricane, Lance Storm, and Kevin Nash return from earlier in the night, still brawling three-way style. Storm and Hurricane give Nash a double superkick, but Hurricane then grabs Storm for the choke slam. However, Evolution runs in and demolishes Hurricane just for fun. RKO, Pedigree, sledgehammer, and Hurricane limps to the back with everyone else. HHH sees Rock being loaded on a stretcher and demands a decision from Austin. Austin appears and says he'll be down there in 2 minutes. Good thing he didn't say 3.

- No Mercy promo. Two matches are announced: Brock Lesnar re-defending against Kurt Angle, while Undertaker battles Eddie Guerrero in a cage. So far, so good, although I really hope the heels go over in both cases. Just me.

- And by now, Austin has returned to the ring. He tells Evolution what we already know: that Rock cannot go tonight. HOWEVER, he recalls Eric Bischoff's words that there must be ONE challenger tonight. And with that, since the winner cannot fulfill his duties, the runner-up assumes his place...

- Main event, World Title: HHH vs. Chris Benoit. Staredown establishes quite clearly that HHH has the size advantage. HHH works Benoit into the corner to start and punches away. Benoit fires back with CHOPS A GO GO, but Hunter controls it to the outside. Benoit takes a ride into the steps, and back in, Hunter gets two. Hunter proceeds to USE THE KNEE~! for two. MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER gets two as Hunter is at his usual "methodical" pace. Kneelift gets two. Benoit reverses a DDT with a Northern Lights suplex for two. Hunter chokes Benoit down, then covers for two. Superplex gets two. Benoit blocks a punch into a Fujiwara armbar, but HHH makes the ropes. Benoit hits a hammerlock slam and tries for the Crossface, but Hunter blocks. Hunter with a DDT for two. MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Benoit elbows out and hits a back suplex. Hunter up first, though, and a piledriver gets two. Kneedrop gets two. KICK WHAM... but Benoit backdrops out of the Pedigree and rolls up Hunter for two. Benoit with a clothesline and back to the armbar. Hunter uses the hair to get out. Austin yells with HHH over this, allowing Benoit to roll him up for two. Benoit walks into a HHH lariat for two. Gutwrench suplex gets two. HHH goes for the sledgehammer on the outside, but Austin steals it. Hunter argues again, but sees Benoit coming this time. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE, but Hunter decides to taunt Austin instead of covering. He goes for a second one, but Benoit doesn't drop with it, resulting in his head going straight into HHH's groin. Clever. Benoit with the rolling Germans, bridging on the third one for two. Up top, but HHH avoids the headbutt. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE, and HHH eventually rolls over for... two. Hunter is in shock, and he proceeds to do the Earl Hebner argument routine with Austin, including Hunter shoving the ref. Of course, this counts as provocation, so as Hunter goes for a second Pedigree, Austin spins him around into KICK WHAM STUNNER. Benoit refuses to cover despite Austin's orders, but he does go back up to finish. This time, Flair shoves him off. Benoit hits a tope suicida on Flair, but Orton pounds on Benoit on the outside. Austin goes to end the disruption (with more provocation and Stunning). Back in the ring, though, Goldust of all people emerges. Low blow, Shattered Dreams, and Curtain Call follow. Benoit returns for... two. YEESH! Flair is up on the apron, but now Booker T jumps in. Orton sneaks in from behind and hits Booker with the RKO before anything can be done. While Austin is rolling Orton and Booker out, Flair enters with the belt... and hits HHH. Benoit chops Flair over the top rope, then applies the Crossface on HHH. HHH tries to power out, but Benoit holds on. He tries to go to the ropes, but Benoit pulls him back. He tries the Death Valley Driver counter from their match 3 years ago, but Benoit rolls through and hangs on again. Finally, HHH goes limp, and Austin makes the tapping motion with HHH's hand at 25:17. To say the crowd is stunned would put it mildly. Benoit rolls outside, while HHH starts to come to. He sees the replay on the monitor and punches out Flair and Austin, but that allows one final KICK WHAM STUNNER on HHH. Benoit returns, beer is shared, end of show. **

The Bottom Line:

He's paid his dues

Time after time.

He's done his sentence,

But committed no crime.

And bad mistakes?

He's made a few.

He's had his share of sand kicked in his face,

But he came through!

Yes sir, he WON! He WON! He WON! He WON!

Benoit's the champion - my friends.

And he'll keep on fighting - till the end.

Benoit's the champion;

Benoit's the champion.

No time for jobbers,

Cuz Benoit's the champion...

Of R-AW.

He took his bows

And his curtain calls.

We gave him fame and fortune and everything that goes with it.

Vince thanked us all.

But it was no bed of roses,

No pleasure cruise.

We considered it a challenge before the whole booking team,

And Chris came through!

Yes sir he WON! He WON! He WON! He WON!

Benoit's the champion - my friends.

And he'll keep on fighting - till the end.

Benoit's the champion;

Benoit's the champion.

No time for jobbers,

Cuz Benoit's the champion...

...Of R-AW!

Benoit's the champion - my friend!

And he'll keep on fighting - till the end!

Benoit's the champion!

BENOIT'S THE CHAMPION!

NO TIME FOR JOBBERS!

CUZ BENOIT'S THE CHAMPION!

Thumbs up.

*****

I was dreaming again.

I was walking away from one end of a tunnel to the other. The tunnel was big enough for only two people. I saw a shadowy figure heading towards me from the other side. As he approached, I could make out his features -- the hair, the size, the smile even. We stood still as we came to the point where our paths met.

"Owen," I asked, "where are you going?"

"I'm off to SmackDown! to replace you," he replied. "We have to keep numbers."

"You don't have to do this."

"Yes, I do. And I want to. I heard what happened to Vince. Much as I felt about him, I don't want what happened to Brian to happen to him, or anyone else. I'm going to do what I can."

"But then why am I moving?"

"You wanted to. You wanted to avoid Kathleen."

"I know. But I'm... I'm nervous. I haven't been on RAW before. Am I ready?"

"That's not the issue. The issue is if you can help."

"Can I?"

"It depends. Do you think you can?"

I paused. I had helped Eddie Guerrero and Jeff Hardy already. I had done my part. What was I afraid of? The unknown. A new life. A different set of circumstances. But I'd been here before. I was ready to handle it again.

"I know I can."

"Good. I know I can too. Now, let's get to work."

He walked on. I took a few steps, then stopped and turned around. "Owen... good match with Booker T there."

He smiled. "How did you know?"

"I saw the Rumble in '94. I knew that kick. Thank you for making me remember the good times again."

"Hey, no problem. It's why I'm here. And thank you for paying attention to Vince."

"No problem. It's why I'm here."

*****

Monday, September 22, 2003, 07:00 AM

Baltimore, MD

The alarm went off. I tried to roll over and hit the snooze button without success. My eyes opened so I could find it, but I wasn't fully awake. I finally just turned the thing off. I tried to roll over, but my eyes were too alert. After two minutes of tossing and turning, I gave up and sat up in bed.

I looked over to my left. Lance Storm was there, still asleep. Well, it's official. I'm on RAW. I got out of bed and went to the mantle for my glasses. I put them on, then turned around. Lance was still asleep.

There was a knock at the door. I went to the door and looked through the peephole, making sure to remove my glasses. A woman stood on the other side, waiting. She was all ready to go in her hot pink shirt and baggy jeans that revealed rather than concealed. Her fiery red hair hung down around her neck and shoulders. Were it not for the sleeve, I was certain I'd see a tattoo.

I opened the door. "Lita... what brings you here?"

"Good news. The boys were able to get Jeff to go to rehab."

"Wonderful. Will he stay this time?"

"Well, he goes in after his last match tonight with OMEGA. Evan has said he'll drop the guy off at the clinic and visit him every few days to make sure he's all right. I hope this one sticks."

"Yeah, me too. Jeff's... I think he needs more help than he realizes. I just want him to get back on his feet."

"I know. Well... I just thought you'd like to know."

"That's great, Lita. Thanks."

I closed the door as she returned down the hall. I began to put the pieces together. I'm shorter than average. I know Jeff and Lita. I'm rooming with Lance Storm. My outfit... neon green. I don't need the glasses.

I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light. I spent the next few minutes practicing poses as the Hurricane.

Edited August 11, 2004 by Dukes

[The Third Dukes]

Before we begin, a random sidenote about this chapter: it was actually almost never posted due to Hurricane Isabel roaring up the coast. At least one reader noted the irony.

And here, in earnest, begins the soap opera of the OMEGA Four. Matt, Shannon, Hurricane, and Lita became my favorite subplot to re-visit every so often, and with good reason: the damn thing looked like Melrose Place. I mean, you think Aaron Spelling would've loved this idea? And for those of you reading this the first time who are nodding, you don't know the HALF of it.

Anyway, today's episode is very much concerned with death. Perhaps one of the most difficult things you can do is envision your own death. I couldn't even think about it, which is why the narrator died instantly. But now, he was to face his own mortality. Just the idea of seeing your own grave... well, it's a good thing no one ever does. For the record, I was thinking of the last few scenes of the Christmas Carol by Dickens when I wrote this -- Scrooge staring his own forgotten death in the face and being scared straight is a powerful image.

Now, I was given the general idea for the story arc -- namely, pulling Jeff Hardy out of the dumps -- by a fan (code name DavyRam). However, I took it and gave it the series of twists you'll see this week. The first one -- the one that really starts it all -- is in this chapter. From the moment I wrote the words "It's Jeff", I knew I had to deliver something spectacular. Or, at least, heart-wrenching. Several readers replied that they were just left numb in a good way by the whole thing. So I guess I did all right.

Sidenote: this was the first indication that I was going to make my readers enjoy Kevin Nash. For the record, he was the only person I ever intentionally made people like against their own better wishes.

This chapter also marks the first time the Dream Tunnel was used as a meeting ground. After having Andy dream of being moved to the other side, I wondered if I could milk the plot device for all it was worth. It saved me the trouble of having the Angels duck into Recovery (which would have slowed the story down IMMENSELY). So instead, I used this to introduce little things. I must have been watching Jerry Maguire at some point before writing it, because I used the idea of Martha and Owen somehow being incomplete without each other. Eh, it's a schmaltzy romantic concept that somehow got over.

*****

Chapter 24

Closer to Dying

Monday, September 22, 2003, 10:14 AM

Baltimore, MD

I tossed my stuff into the back of Shawn's car and climbed into the back seat. The car was certainly more luxurious than Paul's, and it looked like it had been especially bought for the occasion. I pulled out my glasses and looked around at the others. About half, if that, were healthy. Some were faint, some were black-and-white, and some disappeared altogether. It all looked so much grimmer than SmackDown did.

I heard the car door open next to me and turned around. Lindsay had hopped in and seen me wearing my glasses. She put hers on and looked at me as she closed the door. Upon seeing me, she smiled. I smiled back and we hugged. It may have only been a month, but the reunion seemed well worth it.

"Why didn't you tell me you'd be coming over here?"

"I thought you knew. I thought Shawn had told you. Besides, it was all decided so recently." I removed my glasses. "The question is, why didn't you tell me this morning, Amy?"

Lita blushed. "Well, I didn't want your roommate to overhear. Besides, I didn't know. But that's not important. The important part is, we're together now. And we got work to do."

"Yeah, I know... gotta remain professional. It's what caused all the trouble over there." I wish I didn't feel responsible for Kathleen right now.

"What do you mean?"

"It's... it's Kath. She's very sick. I doubt she's out yet, and she's been in Recovery for weeks now. She was hitting me straight-up when we were opponents, and she... I don't know. I don't think I'm supposed to know."

"Look, Lita has her suspicions, but if you tell me, she won't know."

"Okay... Jeff and Shannon are... an item."

She gasped and covered her mouth. "No... way. You're kidding!"

"I'm not. I found out first-hand. But that's the thing: Kathleen was Shannon. She went down a week before Matt did to talk to him, and... well, all I know is, the next day, she was in Recovery and was pretty much invisible. I can only assume she did something really bad."

"Wow. That's... that's sad. I mean... I knew she was an impulsive person, but this is... I hope she gets better. We can't survive on just four people for long, you know."

I paused. "Lindsay," I asked, "what would happen if she were to go? If she finally blinked out or went to Hell or whatever?"

"I assume we'd get someone new. That's why you're here. People make mistakes all the time. It's not easy being dead before your time -- it almost guarantees that you won't make it. Every little thing you do is so magnified by the fact that you can't just repent and restore your soul, because that's IT. We are souls, nothing more. It scares me. It scares me straight."

I gulped. So far, I had been lucky -- I hadn't experienced any sort of connection to a major sin that could jeopardize my life. The closest I came was with Jessi. Had I just not had enough experience? Was I due for a disaster? What was my secret? "It's scared me too, but I don't know what it's like."

"Andy, be thankful. This is one burden you never want to bear. I never want to bear it again, that's for sure."

Shawn got in the car. "All right, you two, let's hit the... hey, aren't you lucky. Got to be real-life friends too. Guess you two can keep in touch and work together. Congratulations. Now, what's the fastest way to DC?"

"Take I-95 until you reach the Beltway."

"Greg? You say that quickly. Did you used to live here?" Shawn put on his glasses and checked back. "Oh, it's you. Did you, Andy?"

"Yes." And thanks for reminding me that I _used_ to live.

*****

03:55 PM

"All right, gentlemen, here's the order of the day."

Eric Bischoff walked out into the MCI center's home team locker room. He posted the booking sheet on the wall, then stood off to the side. "If there are any questions, make sure to talk to the writers. I'm just the messenger."

Lita and I waited for the crowd to thin out, then snuck our way in to look. I scanned for my name. I was set to face Lance Storm again in the second hour. Apparently, the story would be that Heat and Unforgiven were inconclusive, so we needed another go-around. Then I read on. Attached to that segment was, "Kevin Nash -- tweener, clean house." We were out there to expand our feud into a three-way. But hey, I guess someone had to lose.

I heard a squeal next to me from Lita. I turned to face her. "What is it?"

"I'm back on TV tonight! I get to help out Molly! I'm gonna have my first match next week! This is so exciting!"

I leaned in and whispered. "Hey, calm down... you just wrestled last week." She smacked the back of my head. "Oh, yeah, right."

"Hey, hero-boy. We gotta talk match!" Kevin Nash had called me over. Lance Storm was already sitting there, reading a book. I walked over and deposited my bag next to me as I sat down.

"Okay, Kev... what's on your mind?"

"Well... I know you guys can handle the stuff before I run in, but... I don't wanna look like a deer in the headlights out there. Besides, me and my leg ain't up to surprises." As he spoke, he tapped his quad muscle with his hand and smiled. At least he's in good humor about it now.

"Okay... Lance, any ideas?"

Lance didn't look up from his book. "Nah, I'm fine with what you guys want. Just make sure we aren't made to look too bad."

I thought for a while. "How about if you storm in during a double KO and make your presence felt? Then it's just you being an antisocial jerk or something."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, like if we're both down, you run to the ring..."

"Whoa, whoa, stop right there, Greg. Let's call it what it is. I'm doing a hobble-in."

I heard Lance chuckle. I laughed. "All right, Kev, you hobble to the ring and give the powerbomb to both of us. Or... wait, better..."

"Yeah?"

"You powerbomb him, then you can chokeslam me and, you know, do all the motions and stuff."

"Sounds good. Then what? I mean, that makes me a heel, doesn't it?"

"Look, Kev, you'll have time to talk. I know that's one thing you know how to do."

"Yeah... no problem there."

Lance looked up. "So what do I do?"

Kev explained. "Well, you and Greg have your super showdown thing, then after you're both dead, I pick up the pieces and powerbomb you. Simple as that."

"All right. Good." He closed his book and walked away. I turned to Kevin Nash. "What's with him?"

"Eh. He takes his craft very seriously. Doesn't like to plan. Some people just need to learn it's all for fun out there. I mean, look at me. I don't take things half as seriously as he does, and look where I am."

I couldn't resist. "Yeah, you're languishing in the midcard past your expiration date with a quad muscle held together by chewing gum."

"Hey! That's not fair! This is high quality duct-tape in here!"

We laughed. I could see why Kevin Nash had survived for so long -- he went out of his way to have fun.

*****

10:21 PM

STAND BACK! THERE'S A HURRICANE COMIN' THROUGH!

The crowd cheered long and loud as my music hit and I stood on the entranceway. I was able to put Gregory into auto-pilot and let his mind control his motions. My exaggerated poses got the crowd's attention as I stalk-walked down the greenlit ramp and into the ring. A final pose on the turnbuckle, and I turned to face my opponent.

Lance Storm was right behind me, it turns out.

He slapped me across the face, then chopped my chest. I flinched at the force. He whipped me into the opposite turnbuckle, but I ran up the ropes and bounced off straight into him, knocking him down. I punched him in the face, then got up and posed. I pulled Storm up to his feet and went for a Hurriplex, but Storm blocked and hit a stomach claw to break. Storm went into a single-leg hold, but I crawled quickly to the ropes. Storm broke, then sent me for the ride, hoping to nail a superkick.

I ducked and slid underneath, grabbing him from behind into an Eye of the Hurricane for two. I climbed to the top rope and dove off onto him, but he rolled over on top for two. Both of us got up, and he went for a dropkick to the knee. I sidestepped it, then as he was pulling himself up, I hit the Shining Wizard for two. I heard the ref say "go to book" as I was pulling Storm up. I whispered to him, "It's time."

I sent him into the ropes, but he reversed. He went for a back body drop, but I leaped over him and slammed on the breaks. We both stepped up and nailed a superkick at the same time, sending both of us to the canvas. At that moment, I heard a cheer emanating from near the entranceway. Kevin Nash was on his way. He picked Storm up and delivered the Jacknife to him. I slowly got to my feet, cleared the cobwebs, and extended my hand. Instead, he grabbed my throat. I barely had enough time to see him give the thumbs up before I went for the ride.

We both rolled out of the ring, Storm to one side, myself to the other. I crawled over the barricade and out through the crowd, while Storm limped to the back. As I left, I heard Kevin begin to tell the crowd that he was done with seeing people make a mockery of their career. He was going to teach Hurricane and Lance Storm that the only way to the top is to stop being something you're not and to be whatever you want. The reaction was cheers when he talked about Storm and boos when he mentioned me. He had succeeded in becoming a "tweener".

*****

12:15 AM

"Hey, Lance, what time you want the alarm set for?"

"Oh, let's say 8 o'clock. I'm going to head up to Philly tomorrow. How about you?"

"Me? I'll probably stay here... I think I'll get a head start on the help in DC. You know, take care of the little people."

"You would, you do-gooder."

"Stand back, Citizen Storm."

We both laughed as we headed to sleep.

*****

Tuesday, September 23, 2003, 10:55 AM

Fairfax, VA

"Are you sure it's around here?"

"Yeah, just take a right."

"All right."

Shawn had been kind enough to drive us to my hometown. It wasn't that I wanted to see old friends -- it wouldn't have done me any good anyway. There was something I was told I had to see. Lindsay, actually, had suggested it. I dreaded having to follow through on it, but I knew it was for the best.

Shawn pulled off into the Fairfax Memorial parking lot. We all climbed out and looked around. In the distance, I saw a large collection of flowers. I darted off in that direction. No such luck -- it wasn't what I was looking for.

"Gregory, wait... lemme check with the guide."

"Okay." After about a minute, Lita approached me. She seemed rather somber compared to other times.

"Look, Andy," she whispered. "If you need any help whatsoever, you let me know, and I'll be here."

"Thanks."

"You think you'll be able to do this?"

"You said so yourself. It's not a question of that. It's what I have to do. What was it like for you?"

"Well... it was really crowded when I got there. Still a little too soon, you know? But... they had a list. That was the only thing for me. I guess it was a little easier... but... I don't know. I can't imagine."

"Guys!" It was Shawn. "Follow me." We both walked over to him and followed him for about 200 feet. We came to a stop by a simple plaque in the ground. Shawn bent over to read it. "This is it." I looked down and braced myself for the unthinkable.

ANDREW PETER GOSS

FEB 23 1980

AUG 3 2003

A devil took his body

so that God could take his soul

Shawn bent over next to me. I felt a heavy sensation come over me. Tears were forming in my eyes. I had never cried as Andy -- not in years. Now I was crying as someone else.

"It's all right, bro. Let it out." He placed his hand on my shoulder. "Lord, accept the suffering of your servant. Relieve his burden, and enkindle in him the fire of Your love. In the name of Him Who died for our sins, let your servant Andy finally feel the peace of mind and of heart that his new life merits as a reward. In God's Name I pray. Amen."

I slowly stood up. As I did, I heard a cell phone ring. I looked around. It was Lita's. "Oh, hi sweetie." She turned to us. "It's Matt."

I looked back to Shawn. "I... I shouldn't be crying. That's not even me anymore. That's just a husk -- an old shell. Maybe not even that, depending on the conditions. It is summer and all."

"Andy," Shawn said as he looked into my watering eyes, "It's never that easy. Death is... well, it sucks. There's no getting around it. You have to set aside everything you were and take comfort in everything you have become. I died and was reborn... and it's not the same, I know, but... when I did, there was a lot I had to set behind. A lot of old friends, like drugs and lying... I had to disown them. Andy, if you went back to your family, they wouldn't know you. We are your family now. All of us."

I looked up at Shawn and smiled. "Thank you."

We hugged. "Come on, bro, let's go back."

As we did, we passed by Lita. She had just hung up, but seemed lost in her own world. "Amy," Shawn said, "we're leaving." No reaction. "Lindsay?" Nothing. "Is everything okay?"

She shook her head. "It's Jeff."

*****

Tuesday, September 23, 2003, 01:15 PM

Washington, DC

Lindsay had entered my room. She hadn't stopped crying since Matt called. I just sat on my bed, covering my mouth, in shock. Last night, at Jeff's final show before he was to enter rehab, he had a cage match against Evan. He went to the top of the cage to try to hit the swanton bomb, but lost his balance. He fell to the outside of the cage and landed neck-first on the railing. He was stuck on life support.

Lita couldn't stop saying "oh my God" over and over again. I sat next to her and hugged her. It was all I could do to keep from crying myself.

"What do we do?" I asked.

"I don't know... Matt said he... he'd call back when he finished talking to Vince. I thought we could save him. I thought we could..."

"Please. We tried. I was there. I don't know what went wrong. This was a fluke. Lindsay, if you could see the look in his eyes when he talked to me, the feeling of wanting to do something, not just for himself, but for Matt and Shannon and... he was ready. It's just so ironic. I can't believe he... I can't."

We sat and cried together. There was a knock on the door. "I'll get it," I said. I opened the door to see Shawn, barely able to hold back tears of his own. "You guys want some company?"

I turned to Lita. She nodded. "Yes. And thank you."

*****

04:30 PM

"Hi Matt." The phone had rung again. By this time, word had spread throughout the RAW roster. Jeff had been a part of the company for five years, and no one forgot what kind of a guy he was. Shawn was leading a prayer group in his room, while Chris Benoit had come in to try to talk us out of the shock. Rob Van Dam even tried to help. "I've been there, man. When Eiji brock his neck... it was hard times... I wanna help however I can."

"I know," I said. I couldn't imagine RVD to be as close to Hayabusa as we were to Jeff, but he was in as much shock as we were. No one could believe that someone so young as full of life as Jeff had been could possibly die young. I couldn't believe it either. Something didn't seem right.

I thought back to what he told Shannon about a blood test. I thought about how his life was in shambles, and his room was a disaster area, even without Isabel having come through. I wondered what the inside of his mind must have been like. He knew we knew about his drugs. He knew he had to warn Shannon because of what Kathleen may have done. And now that all was forgiven, and he was ready to start anew, he crashes during a bit I'd seen him successfully pull off hundreds of times.

"Guys," said Lita, "let's go to Philadelphia. Vince has an idea."

"What is it?" I asked, instinctively.

"Matt's gonna wrestle tonight for Jeff."

Wait a minute. "Is he... dead?"

"No... I don't know... he might be soon. Matt said he had the option of when to do it. He wants to do it tonight."

I looked at Rob. "How fast can you get there?"

"Man, don't you worry. You'll be there by bell time easy. I'll fly if I have to."

"O...kay, sure. Lita, is Matt still on the phone?"

"Yeah."

"Get Vince... ask him to push the show back to 9 o'clock for SmackDown. So we can get there."

"I'll see."

*****

08:59 PM

Philadelphia, PA

We rushed through the back and around the side to a monitor. While there, we saw Paul again. He was trying to conduct the night while working on holding back tears of his own. When he saw us, he handed off to Tom Pritchard and spoke to us.

"Are you two all right?"

"Yeah, we're fine. What's the deal for tonight?"

"Everyone's wrestling from the heart tonight. It's all about Jeff. No promos, no commercials within a match... UPN says they'll clear it all. There's gonna be a video package about Jeff at the beginning. Matt says he..."

Paul began to break down. I had no idea how to handle this. "He what, Paul?"

Matt came up behind me and touched my shoulder. I looked up. "Oh, Matt..." I hugged him. We didn't speak during the full minute we embraced. "Is he gonna make it?"

Matt glumly shook his head. "They say the machine's just keeping the body alive. Tomorrow we're gonna head down to Durham and pull the plug. I... I can't believe I have to do this. He was my brother..."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You wanna go home?"

"No... this is home. I owe it to these guys, and I owe it to Jeff. I wanna make everyone remember him tonight. You know, we joked about living and dying for this... Jeff said he wanted to die in the ring, hearing the cheers of the crowd... I just never..."

"Matt, it's okay. Just... I'm sorry. I'm sorry." As we hugged again, Dr. Tom looked over to us. "Matt, Shannon... you're on in thirty seconds. Let's do it."

*****

02:12 AM

Washington, DC

I sat awake in my hotel room, while Matt slept in the bed next to me. The day had been rough on him, and I could tell Vince didn't understand the gravity of what was going on. Nevertheless, he responded and he gave help the only way he knew how -- by dedicating the show.

I have no idea if the show was well-received by the public. Certainly there were several standing ovations, from the opening match through to the final moment. When the locker room gathered in the ring, and Hogan led the crowd in a ten-bell salute of Jeff and a final standing ovation, Lita and I were numb backstage. Shannon and Matt couldn't go out at the end, instead staying with us in one last group hug before we began to drive down to North Carolina.

I couldn't help but think of the past two weeks. We had done everything we could to make Jeff healthy again. Kathleen tried to show him love. I tried to show him friendship. Matt tried to show him discipline. We all tried to show him that we were there for him. And now, just as the message was received, he was going to be gone. It was like we reached him at the last second.

I looked at my costume hanging up in the closet. I stared at the H in the middle. My eyes wandered to the cape, the tights, and the mask in turn. I closed my eyes and began to imagine swooping in from the rafters, flying and catching Jeff before he fell. If only... if only that act were for real.

I checked myself in the mirror with the glasses on. There was no sign of fading, changing or graying. On the contrary, I seemed brighter than before. I felt sad, yes, but it wasn't my loss. It was as if God knew Jeff would die, and he chose me to help Greg cope, and chose Lindsay to help Amy cope. I tried to sleep. I tried to think of helping Matt. This week would be the longest of his life. The more I supported him, the better we all would be.

*****

I was dreaming.

I was at the abyss, down the long hall that I walked when I crossed paths with Owen the first time. I saw him again. I approached him. "What are we doing here? We already switched."

"I know... but you're not alone." I turned around. Lindsay was behind me. We stepped forward and Owen embraced each of us in turn. "I'm sorry guys. I don't know how this happened, but... I'm sorry. All I know is you guys can handle this. You have to. If you don't... well... Jeff may not be the only one we lose."

"What do you mean?"

Owen sat down and held his head. "My brother was on a suicide watch in WCW. The death of Brian... the Montreal thing... he was a wreck. We've been scared we'll lose him for ages on end. I don't know how he outlived me. But when Brian died... he took it hardest. He was convinced that... Vince knew and did nothing. That's not true. I know it isn't. It couldn't be. Vince wasn't Vince then."

"Owen... please... how did you feel? We need to know."

"Andy, that's just it. I... that Sunday, I was disoriented. I was a zombie. I sleptwalked through my match. But the next day... I... I don't know. I just felt more at ease. I was... It was like I wasn't alone. Like I felt Brian's angel picking me up and dusting me off. Jim -- Anvil -- he felt it too. If it hadn't been for that... I don't think we would've been able to cope as well."

Lindsay smiled. "You're welcome, Owen."

Owen looked up. He was confused. "What? You're... what?"

I turned to Lindsay. "For what? What did you do?"

"I picked him up and dusted him off. Owen, that angel you felt was me. I was assigned to you the next day. I wanted to make sure you could handle everything. A lot was going on... and I helped you, and through you I tried to help your brother. So... you're welcome."

Owen reached over and grabbed Linsday. "Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Wait, whoa... you two... do you have a history?" I guess I was a little weirded out, because even as I said these words, I felt I wanted to retract them. But Owen's chuckle set me at ease.

"Yeah, Andy, we've only been working together for four and a half years. I mean, every week, we come here and talk. We have to. It's... it's the only way I can feel complete."

Feel complete? I took a closer look at him. He wasn't complete. There was an area around his chest that was transparent. It was as if someone cut a heart-shaped hole out of his body. But more than that, I noticed he wore a similarly-shaped piece of... something on his wrist. How I missed it before I don't know.

"Owen... what is that?" I pointed to his wrist. He smiled.

"That's part of Martha. Well, metaphysically speaking anyway." He laughed. "See, I wondered why I wasn't whole for a long time. St. Pete told me that sometimes, two people are united by love even beyond death. And when they finally unite... well, they unite. Every so often I visit Martha in her dream... you know, between gigs. And I tell her I'll be waiting for her, and that there will always be a part of me in her heart. Well... this is it."

I turned to Lindsay. "But... but you said marriage was for earth."

She shrugged. "Well, that was my experience. I mean, when I was seeing Terry, we couldn't... when we did, we... I don't know!"

"What does this mean? That I... that there could have been someone for me and I was cheated out of it? Because I just saw myself today, and I thought the worst was over. Dammit, first I visit myself, then a friend of the guy I am dies, and now I find out I'll never be in love. What else can happen today?" My voice was getting louder and louder as I spoke. I didn't even notice the look of fear on the faces of Owen and Lindsay until I was done. I stopped. "What's wrong? Am I...?" I looked down. No I wasn't.

"Andy, it's okay. Get it out," said Owen. "We've all had days like this. You think I wanted to see myself dead? You think Lindsay wanted to read her name at the Murrah Building? How about Greg on the Wall? Seeing yourself... the first few days... you need to be here. This is your shock. Maybe... maybe Jeff's timing wasn't coincidence."

"I don't understand."

"Well... when I first revisited Calgary, it was around the time Ed Whalen died -- he was the voice of Dad's promotion. I was Chris Benoit. I... we all went to the funeral. While I was there, I walked the few feet to visit myself. I had been putting it off for a long time. I admire that you wanted to do it as soon as possible. Anyway... because I'd just been around death, and because I... I'd been dead for so long, I thought I could handle it. I spent the next few nights here... but in life... everyone commented on how strong Chris was, and what a comfort he was to Mom and Dad and to Ed's family."

"Yeah? I... so what does it have to do with me?"

"Well, guys," he said, looking at Lindsay as well as at me, "maybe Matt and his family will be strengthened by how you are. Maybe you'll be his pillar of strength. I don't know. I hope that's the case, anyway."

I looked at Lindsay. "Let's do it."

"Yeah, let's."

"Thank you so much, Owen. I understand now. I'm ready."

I pulled Lindsay up and we held hands. We walked back to where we came from -- a show and a group of people who needed our help more than they knew. I looked over my shoulder at Owen. He was busy touching the piece of Martha that was on his wrist. If only I had the chance to experience love like that.

Edited August 22, 2004 by Dukes

[The Third Dukes]

This next one I present without saying anything. At the end, I'll post replies to it.

*****

Chapter 25

In His Own Hands

Wednesday, September 24, 2003, 01:13 PM

Duke University Hospital, Durham, NC

This is eerie. This is where I went to school. This used to be my school. I know everything about it, but I can't let on. Besides, I'm not here to reminisce. I'm here to help. Well, if I can help.

A nurse at the front desk led us to just outside Room 611. We looked inside. We saw a jumble of machines waiting on the other side of the door. There was a heart monitor, a respirator, an IV dispenser, and many other things. Somewhere in the middle of it all was Jeff's body -- alive, but not living.

Upon seeing it, Matt and Shannon broke down. Lita reached for Matt and embraced him. I took Shannon and hugged him with one arm. The two cried for five minutes straight.

"Greg," said Shannon, "can we... can we talk?"

Shannon took me aside. Matt saw me leave and looked up. "Don't worry, we'll be back... soon." I honestly had no clue when "soon" would be, but I knew we had to return. Shannon and I walked down the hall. He looked at me.

"I'm gonna look into getting a blood test. I want you to come along."

We walked to the nearest information kiosk. Shannon inquired as to where he would go. He was directed to a room on the third floor. As we headed to the elevator, I stopped. "I'd better tell Matt. He might be waiting on us."

"Sure... tell him... and tell him not to wait. I don't want to see him die."

I walked back to Room 611. Matt and Lita were seated on a bench, still embracing. Matt was crying on her shoulder. I looked at the both of them and stiffened up. "Matt."

He looked up. His eyes were bright red. "Yeah?"

"Shannon's going to go give blood... or something. I don't think he wants to see you pull the plug. He wants me to come along. I..."

Matt stopped me. "It's okay. Do what you gotta do, Greg. I don't blame him."

"Thanks." I turned around and headed back to the elevator. Shannon was jumping up and down, pacing around, and generally having trouble being still. "It's all set. We can go now. But... you sure you don't wanna be there? I mean, this is the last chance to say goodbye."

"I don't want to say goodbye. Not now." The elevator door opened. We snuck in unnoticed amid the hustle and bustle. The doors closed as I pressed the button for the third floor. Shannon turned to face me. We were alone.

"Greg," he said, "I gotta say this to someone, and I just... I hope you understand."

"What is it?" As if I didn't already know...

"Greg... I'm getting this because Jeff asked me to. Because we... no, you wouldn't understand. Forget I ever said anything."

"Shannon, no. You can tell me. I swear, it won't change a thing between the two of us."

"Well... he and I... we were close. I mean... real close. And Jeff seemed worried about me. Which is why I gotta get tested... cuz... I..."

"Shannon, spit it out."

The elevator doors opened. "Later."

We walked to the room and filled out the necessary paperwork. Shannon waited for his number to be called as I watched the TV in the waiting room and read some back issues of National Geographic. After about 20 minutes, it was his turn. A nurse directed us to our room, where we were once again alone. Shannon hopped up on the table and waited.

"Can we talk now?" I asked. The faster he said it, the better.

"Yeah, I guess."

"So... why did Jeff want you to get this?"

"Cuz he was worried I might be sick."

"Why would he think that?"

"I don't know. Unless he... well, he may have figured I gave him something."

"You? What could you give him that would require a blood test? Malaria?"

"No... I mean... it was just him. He was so friendly, and he... he and I have done everything together and... well, one day he talked to me, and we found out stuff, and... I mean, it was just once, I swear! But I didn't think that..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Shannon. What stuff? What was once?"

"Greg, I... dammit. I'd better just say it, shouldn't I?"

"Whatever it is, say it."

"Greg, I..." he remained silent for a full minute. I could tell he wasn't sure how Greg would take it. I knew how I would take it. I knew what I had to say. After all, it all made sense now. Jeff was asking Shannon to take a precautionary measure because of what Kathleen had done. It didn't seem like a big deal. All I had to do was wait for him to say it.

Before he could, though, another lady entered and checked Shannon's vital signs and medical history. Soon after, she left to get the nurse who would administer the withdrawal. We were alone again as Shannon was prone on his back, which the nurse recommended.

"Shannon... just tell me. Don't make me guess."

"I've said too much, man. I know you won't like it."

"Won't like what? Shannon, have I ever disapproved of you? I helped land you a job in WCW. We got you into the WWE. We've been there for you every step of the way. You can't say nothin' that would make me or Matt or Amy think any less of you and you know it."

"Yeah I could... I only held out this long cuz Jeff wanted me to. But it's okay now. You just gotta promise you won't tell. Don't tell Matt, don't tell Amy... tell no one, got it?"

"Yeah... I got it. What is it?"

Before he could reply, the nurse came in with the bag and needle. This is getting kinda stupid here. I waited as Shannon's blood was being withdrawn. At the end of the procedure, he thanked the nurse and was told all results would be made available in 15 days. We left and walked back to the elevator. Inside, we were again alone.

"Greg, I... Jeff and I were... we..."

"Come ON, Shannon!" I had to get it out of him. "Just SAY it; we're alone!"

"All right, all right... Greg, I'm gay." I paused for a few seconds to make it seem like it was sinking in. He continued. "Not just that. But the reason I got that blood test is because of what happened when I visited him alone. He and I... we had been going out for a long time. Why do you think I couldn't be around when the plug was pulled? I didn't wanna watch him die. I didn't want to watch the man I loved... leave my life." I still said nothing. "Greg? Do you understand me? Is everything ok?"

I leaned over and squeezed him with my right arm. "Sure. Everything's just fine. You're still my best friend. And don't worry -- your secret is safe with me."

"Thanks, Greg." The elevator doors opened, and we walked out. We returned to just outside Room 611. Matt was making a phone call as we did. Lita was in tears on the bench. I looked inside at the room. The power was off, and a blanket covered Jeff from head to foot. It was over.

Shannon sat down on the bench and tried to console Lita while fighting back his own tears. I walked over to Matt and waited for him to get off the phone. When he did, he simply turned to me and cried. I comforted him as best I could. Before long, we all joined hands together, crying and consoling, unable to remain calm as the hundreds of emotions poured over us.

Matt got up and took one last look into the room. They were preparing to wheel him down to the parking lot, where he would be taken to the funeral home for preparations. Matt just stared into the room, unable to move or speak. I walked up behind him and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Goodbye, bro. I love you," was all I heard him say.

*****

07:22 PM

Cameron, NC

We pulled up to Jeff's house to gather his belongings. Matt had rented a van to handle the moving process. The funeral had been set for Saturday at the Chapel in Duke University -- Matt thought it would be better since it would be a public service. Already he had asked me to prepare a eulogy. I walked in, ready to remove the final evidence of a fallen friend.

As I walked over to his room to grab his clothing and other items, I saw a set of papers on a desk. The top one was sealed in an envelope and addressed to "Greg and Amy." There was a second envelope underneath it from a bank. Under that, in plain manila, was a packet from a local clinic. I grabbed them all and hid them in my personal belongings. I had the feeling these were things Matt didn't need or want to know.

Evan met us at the house. He was distraught, incoherent, and shaking. I couldn't blame him. He had seen Jeff die firsthand, just a day after Jeff had placed himself in Evan's care, and days before he was to begin anew. I couldn't think about what the rest of his life would be like. He babbled about quitting the ring, about not understanding. He cursed everyone and everything, from Vince to Matt to himself. I had to let him talk.

It took two hours to load everything into the van. From there, it would be a short drive back to Durham, where we would be staying to help arrange the funeral. Before we left, there was a knock on the door. I answered, and two elderly people I hadn't seen before, but that I knew Greg knew, were at the door.

"Hello, Gregory," the woman said. "Is Matthew there?"

"We, uh, we just got here," said the man.

"Come on in, sir... ma'am... let me get him." I directed them to the couch and headed off to Jeff's room. I looked in. Matt was putting away a replica WWE tag title belt that Jeff had received as a going-away present from Vince. He stared at his reflection in it, as tears returned to his eyes. I knew I had to give him the news, then slip outside for a while.

"Matt... your parents are here."

*****

11:48 PM

Durham, NC

As Shannon was off with Evan, Amy and I were alone in the room. I took my glasses out of their case for the first time in days. I looked at them. They're not of much use now, but... I have to. I put them on and saw Lindsay do the same.

"I found this... stuff. I don't think Matt was meant to see it. This is addressed to us. Do you want to read it?"

She seemed nervous. "We'd better both read it together."

I opened it. A pair of pages fell out. I examined them. On the surface, they seemed the same except for the name. I handed Amy's letter to Lindsay and kept the one addressed to Gregory. As I read it, I became shaken, then mad, then just numb. I could finally understand why it was addressed to us and not to Matt or Shannon.

I turned to Lindsay, but she seemed paler than normal. I flipped my glasses up. Lita was white as a sheet. She turned to me. I put my glasses back down. Lindsay was trembling as much as I had been. "My God," she finally said. "I don't believe it."

I opened the envelope from the bank. Everything Jeff described was there. Lindsay tore into the envelope from the clinic, only to see everything in order there, too. We exchanged envelopes and scanned their contents. After ten minutes of being in shock, we looked at each other.

"What do we do?" I asked.

"I don't know," she answered. "I assume... we don't tell. They can't tell. And as long as we don't say anything, Greg and Amy... really don't know. It's better that way."

"Why?"

"Matt... Matt wouldn't understand. He'd be angry. He... doesn't have to know. Andy, we'd better burn this. We need to keep anyone from finding out."

"If we're going to do that... let's wait until morning. We have time. You're staying alone, and I'm with Shannon. You hold on to everything... I'll come by tomorrow morning, early... it'll be ok."

"Sure."

I got up to leave, then stopped. "We could always let Shannon have his own room. If he doesn't see me..."

"Andy, no. We can't do that."

"No, I mean... just burn it in here. There's no smoke alarm."

"So there isn't. Well, I guess it's as good an idea as any. But... what about when Shannon comes in here?"

"I'll just leave a note on the door from you. You know, saying you preferred this room."

"Right... well... shall we?"

"Wait," I said. I got nervous. "Please... let me read the note, one last time. Just because... it's all that's left."

"Okay."

*****

Gregory,

Whatever you do, do not tell Matt or Shannon about this. It would break their hearts. By now I imagine Shannon has told you our secret. I told him he could. I can't let Matt know about us -- or about me. He doesn't like people like us.

Under this, you'll find a bank statement foreclosing the mortgage I have on this house. Things are worse than you realize. I was living hand-to-mouth, not knowing where my next paycheck actually would come from. I would have to move in with Matt again. I can't do that.

The clinic's note will tell you why. It has the results of the blood test in it. I asked Shannon to get tested because I hope what happened to me didn't happen to him. I shot up with the wrong crowd. They left me with HIV. I've been hiding it for months now. I got word to day that it has become full-blown AIDS.

As far as Matt knows, I died because of a horrible accident. That's all he and Shannon and Evan need to know. I hate to do this to Evan, but it's better they remember me this way. But I can't let the truth go with me.

If things go as expected, I will climb to the top of the cage. I will pose for the crowd. I will wobble on top, mainly for theatrics. I will then fling myself backwards off of the top of the cage. If I place it just right, my throat will drop with full-force on the steel guardrail on the side. My neck will snap. I will no longer be a problem.

I am so sorry that I came to this. I am sorry to burden you with this. It's better this way. My parents won't have to see me wilt. My brother won't just think of me as some queer. Shannon can remember me as brave. I trust you and Amy to be quiet about it. Please let my dignity remain complete.

Goodbye. And thank you.

Jeff

*****

"Lindsay, I don't know what to do any more," I said after re-reading the note.

"What do you mean?"

I sat back down. "Matt asked me to give the eulogy. He's going to expect me to be generous and kind about his brother... and I have to be. But... this... I can't respect him. Do you understand?"

"More than you do," she said. "You see... once a year, we all go on a week-long vacation. It'll be coming up at the end of October, just so you know. Anyway, we visit the spirit realm. We go back to the gates of Heaven... we go to Purgatory to cheer up the souls in their last Recovery... and... we stand outside Hell. And outside Hell are those who took their life."

"You mean... they're not like us?"

"No, they're not. Andy, anyone who tries to play God with himself doesn't get the right to live out his life. He's stuck for eternity neither in Heaven or Hell. He's not alive, he's not conscious... he's just... there."

"I don't understand."

"You will. The next time you see Jeff, he'll be unresponsive. He'll always be that way. He's cursed himself. He won't be alive or dead... he won't even resemble something that was alive or dead. He'll just... be. It's his punishment."

Lindsay's thoughts weighed heavily on my mind. If it was true -- if Jeff really had forfeited his existence -- then he had committed the biggest mistake one could make. But at the same time, he had made his choice. He also wished that Matt and the rest of the world didn't know. And here I was, about to eulogize a man whom the world thinks of as a vibrant, lively hero, but who I know to be a coward and a quitter.

"Lindsay," I finally said, "will you help me write?"

She smiled. "Of course. But first... let's honor his last request."

We threw all the papers into a bin. Amy produced a match. She dropped it in. We watched as the evidence of Jeff's horrible deed crumbled and crackled in the presence of the flame, until like Jeff, there was nothing left of them.

*****

Some replies to this from the Old-School Reader's Club:

Oh my god...that's all I can say about that chapter. Continue this Dukes, I want to see where this is going.

[The Third Dukes]

I should do this more often, I really should. Well, SummerSlam '04 called. What can I say?

How about what this chapter's about? Fine.

The first bit of this chapter concerns making Vince more evil than he was before. Hence, the picture on WWE.com. Lita's reply was supposed to be a way to torture the OMEGA Four from Vince himself (to show that the Angels' actions had far-reaching consequences), but I outdid myself to infinity soon after. But that's another story.

Meanwhile, Evan's little suspicion was just because I found Jeff's suicide a little too over-the-top. I mean, no way he could fool everyone -- maybe the hundreds or so people who saw it in the arena, but not those up-close. I mean, it's very hard to make a jump look like a fall, but in the end, I couldn't really break the news. I doubt I ever will.

The eulogy was something I worked on for a few drafts before posting. I wanted it to be perfect. I hope you like it. A small thing before the eulogy: you'll notice Andy thinks the words "here goes nothing" twice. It was a way of trying to make the story a bit more realistic -- Andy/Gregory would be having to put on his best acting face, and as such would focus on a statement.

A pair of replies, then...

You know, it's not often anything that doesn't deal directly with me makes me emotional... but these last few chapters... I cried. I've never been a fan of Jeff Hardy, but this... Wow.

[The Third Dukes]

Something I'd find myself doing quite a bit is posting entire sections that were mere dialogue. Was it better or worse this way? I don't know, but if you saw lots of dialogue, it meant only one thing -- I was stalling for time.

This is kind of an exception. I wanted to give the two big characters -- Andy and Lindsay, in case you haven't figured it out by now -- some time to talk and become real characters. Lindsay was the person who had been there and wanted to help Andy. And you know what, Andy needed help. Lots of it. He was a handful.

One thing I introduce (but only tangentially) is the concept of visiting the person you are. I always thought of the times I would be in a groove, not really thinking, not feeling, not acting... just doing or being. Ever been in school and suddenly the teacher/professor might as well be from a Charlie Brown TV special because all you can hear are disoriented syllables that sound like a slide trombone? Okay, you know what I'm going for here. Now, although Lindsay warns Andy not to overdo, he overdoes it. I use this literary device way too often.

Lindsay has a really fun passage where she reminds Andy (and the reader) that wrestlers are people. I forget what was going on in real life around this time -- it may have not even been something to do with the WWE. But it seems that the average wrestling fan (which none of you are) can't differentiate between person and character. These are people, pure and simple. It was a point I'd find myself hammering home quite often in many different ways, some of which got me in a LOT of controversy.

The chapter ends with the First Kiss. It was something I wanted to be the Big Moment of Part II, as by this time I decided to send all VIII parts out with something memorable involving the Angels themselves. This may have been the most understated of the bunch, but it's the one that got me the happiest. Yes, even more so than the finish, which left me exhausted from writing it.

Oh, and the Unforgiven Prediction Contest prize was to pick someone for Andy to be next. VR won it. He made his pick. You'll see.

*****

Chapter 27

The Person Behind the Person

Sunday, September 28, 2003, 03:15 PM

Aboard a flight from Raleigh/Durham Airport to Chicago Midway Airport

Lita and I took adjoining first class seats on the flight to rejoin the RAW crew. Thankfully, the flight we took wasn't very heavily booked, and we had plenty of time and space to talk and be ourselves.

"Lindsay... hey, Lin... um, you ok?"

"Yeah... I'm fine. I just worry about Amy."

"Amy? But you're Amy."

"I am now, but tomorrow I'll be someone else. The things I've done have impact, you know."

"Right... but what have we done? I thought it was an act of mercy to bury the dead."

"It is... it's not that... it's... well, it's Matt."

"Okay, now you're confusing me. First it's you, then it's Amy, then it's Matt... spit it out."

"Well, we've been spending a lot of time together, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, I just don't know how Matt feels about that. I mean, he loves me... her. And he's been going through a lot. We all have. We're all just... not thinking straight right now. But I don't know if he knows. He's been hearing a lot of things, and he might be assuming the worst."

"Of us? Why?"

"Evan."

"I don't understand."

"Well, I think Evan's figured out about Jeff."

"Yeah, I heard the same thing. I guess being in the ring with a guy makes it hard to doubt your senses. But... Matt will believe what he wants to believe, and Gregory and Amy and Shannon will convince Evan he's thinking too much. Right?"

"I guess..."

"You don't sound too confident."

"I'm not. Evan worries me. Soon as I land I'm calling Paul up and letting him know about it. I think Evan may be in a delicate state right now."

"How so?"

"Well, how would you be if you were in his place, watching him fall off the top of a cage and snap his neck? Wouldn't you be a little... well..."

"Traumatized? Yeah, I guess I would. I never thought of it that way."

"Well, that's how I'm thinking about it. He's in trouble... I never got to see him... I can only assume he's... he's saying these things because he doesn't want to believe."

"I don't understand."

"Well... if he sees Jeff lose his balance and his life, then not only does he feel uneasy, and numb, but he kinda loses hope. I mean, if Jeff never got the chance to fix himself -- if God never let him fix himself -- then what does that say about Jeff, or about God? But if he thinks that Jeff flung himself, and that he did it on purpose, then Jeff was in control all along. He had reconciled, he had gotten in everyone's good graces, and he went out on his terms. Which sounds better to you?"

"I don't know, which sounds better to you? That Jeff was a victim or a coward? That he wanted to face his demons and ran out of time, or that he took the cheap way out and conned everyone into thinking he was a hero? When you think about it that way, it's pretty obvious."

"Obvious to us because we deal with life and death. It's our job to think that way. Evan... he's... he's human. Humans feel differently. You remember that. You always tried to rationalize and change the world around you to fit what made you feel best. Soon enough, Evan will come around."

"Fine... but what about Matt? Will he come around?"

"Matt already thinks it was an accident."

"No, I mean, to us, to -- to Amy and Gregory. Do you think he's jealous?"

"Matt? Let me think. I gotta see what Amy thinks of Matt."

"Okay... uh... that's weird. Man, I don't know if I'll ever feel right accessing their minds. It's like I... I'm ransacking their house or something."

"Hey, it's what we gotta do. The trick is to forget it."

"Forget it?"

"Yeah -- forget the things that aren't common knowledge. It's really not that hard to do. Now lemme work." One minute of silence followed. "Okay, well... Amy thinks Matt doesn't suspect anything about other people. Yeah... I mean, they're friends, with or without us."

"I know, but... we were awfully close. How will they explain it? What if they let the note get out?"

"One, we burned it. Two, we made a pledge not to tell that they'll honor. Three, half the time they won't remember."

"Why won't they? They experienced it!"

"Okay, their brains will remember, but the rest of them will be convinced it couldn't have happened. If you were to ask Tammy Sytch about a one-night stand with Bret Hart, she wouldn't remember doing it. You know why? She didn't. I did."

"Shhhh -- don't want anyone giving us funny looks."

"Relax... I've done this before. Anyway, I don't know if they'll remember the note, but if they do, they'll also keep Jeff's request. They'll remember all of it or none of it."

"That's a bit of a relief. By the way -- how'd you get the stuff out of Amy's mind?"

"Oh... that's nothing. You just gotta try to recede a little."

"Recede? What do you...?"

"Well, you know how you pushed yourself into Recovery?"

"Yeah..."

"You can do that here, too. You just pull back a little. Humans do it all the time. Ever just zoned out and let everything around you turn into a blah blah blah and a mix of colors?"

"...I think so... but I never remember talking to anyone else when I did it."

"Silly boy. That's because there wasn't anyone else. It was just you. But now, there is someone else. I mean, did you see how I was when I was trying to find out about her thoughts?"

"Yeah... you just kinda stared forward. You didn't seem to be concentrating or anything. You just were blank. I mean, you blinked, but that's it. I could've waved my hand in front of you and I don't think you'd have noticed."

"Yes, I would have, and thankfully you didn't do that. It would've just slowed down the process. Point is, you get enough of a nothing going, enough inertia, and you can actually recede a little. And when that happens, you don't see as the person."

"Really? What's it like?"

"You're actually in a room with the spirit of the guy or gal you are. You can talk to them."

"Wow. That's awesome! Let me try it."

"No! Don't do it unless you have to. Most of the stuff you need is readily accessible in the data portion anyway. It's only the secrets and dreams you need to dig for."

"Secrets? Dreams? Then why'd you have to go ask Amy how she felt?"

"Because she never thought about it. I was checking all around and she... it never crossed her mind that Matt would see you as a threat. That's probably a good thing, too."

"Yeah, sounds like there's total trust for both of them. So Matt's okay, and Shannon's okay, but we gotta work on Evan. How are we ever going to do that?"

"We can't, really. I mean, we can't solve ALL the world's problems. We're here for Vince, first and foremost, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's in more trouble than anyone realizes, and we have to do something to help him. I don't know what to do. I've never exorcised a demon before. None of us have. We have no clue how to do it."

"But you saw Brian near the end. Didn't you try something?"

"We tried a few things. We tried a lot of prayer. We tried having him drink holy water we took from a church. We tried placing a crucifix medallion on his necklace. Nothing worked. He just vomited the water and ripped off the necklace. And... and the prayers... we heard laughter. Whatever was in him was really strong."

"I see. I guess I'm glad we caught Vince early on... I mean, while there's still time to think of something."

"Andy, I don't know if there is."

"What? But... you said Jake... he was..."

"I said that it takes any length of time. We're not sure which demon this is. It could be an anti-saint, someone who became honored in Hell for his actions. It could be some run-of-the-mill satyr, some Pan-like demon, that just occasionally causes things to go wrong. Maybe it's one of Satan's top devils. I don't know. I didn't get a good look at it last week, and obviously not this week either."

"When will we know? Does Owen or Greg...?"

"I don't know. I don't think Owen does. Greg... Greg has to know. Maybe he's seen it before. I'm not sure. I'm just not sure."

"Damn. If only we could do more."

"Andy... we did plenty this week and every week. Do you know how many people you made feel better with that eulogy? The whole group was crying. I saw Christian and D-Von in the back, borrowing tissues from each other. They wanted to thank you for giving them something to remember him by. Matt thanked us for the last thoughts -- he said they were beautiful. Andy, you don't know what you can do until you do it. You can never know what little thing will make someone's day."

"Please. We're wrestlers. Let's not kid ourselves. We can go out and praise God all we want -- look at Shawn -- but at the end of the day, we are phony."

"Stop thinking like that! The people on TV -- that we play, that they play -- they're phony. They're very phony. They're pure fiction. Triple H -- you think Paul Levesque is that kind of power-mad egomaniac behind the scenes? You think Glen Jacobs wants to commit arson? Does Steven Williams drink beer all the time and get his jollies by attacking innocent strangers? And that's just RAW; there are equal examples over on SmackDown! Bottom line, the WWE is fiction. The wrestlers are real. And we are as close to reality as it gets. When someone on TV changes their stripes, it's temporary and meaningless. When someone backstage tries to influence things, it is short-term important but long-term trivial. When we try to change people, we are changing them at the foundation. Don't you see? You're more important now than you've ever been."

"I am?"

"YES! So stop acting like this is all a show. You've been here two months already; you should know it isn't! What we do is real! There's only two people who know about us, Shawn and Paul. Everyone else -- we're just another mysterious way in which God works."

Silence. "Am... Lin... I don't know if I wanna think of myself as a plot device."

"You're not. You're a prime-time player. And you're special. Don't forget that."

"Thanks. You're special too."

"Yeah, I know." She smiled, then seemed to have something click. "Hey, not here, ok? Look, you know we can't. Talk to me later."

"All right. How will we get to where the RAW guys are? We might be at the wrong hotel."

"Tomorrow, Lita will call Shawn's cel phone, and the two will drive over to Rosemont together. In the meantime, we have each other."

"Just like always, eh, Lindsay?"

"Yeah... that's the nice thing. Even though we don't have ourselves for more than a week or so at a time, we always have each other. I like that."

The plane began to descend.

*****

11:34 PM

We got off the elevator on the 5th floor and returned to our room. I hopped over to the far bed and turned on the television, hoping to catch a Heat report, or anything else. Lita had gone into the bathroom to wash the makeup off of her face.

"You ok, Lindsay?"

"Yeah... just getting ready for bed, that's all." I heard her open her bag in the bathroom and ruffle around in there.

"Can I, uh, help you find anything?"

"No, I'm fine."

I continued to watch. Heat was being replayed on the TV station. They were showing highlights of Lita's return to RAW, and they hyped the tag match for tomorrow. Michael Hayes made a note of asking if Lita would be able to compete given the tragedy in her life. Good grief. Vince is shameless.

Lita emerged. I did a double take. She was wearing only a T-shirt and her underwear. I gulped hard. This was something I hadn't planned on her doing.

"What's wrong?" She then looked down. "Oh, this. This is how she always sleeps. Don't worry about it." I was slow to respond. "Come on, you've seen more skin from her on those calendars. What's the big deal?"

"Just that... um... actually..." I paused. "You know, I wanna try something." I reached into my suitcase and shuffled things around.

"What are you doing?"

"Just fixing the view," I replied cryptically. I moved a few clothes and my costume around until I found my glasses. I slipped them on and turned around. "There we go."

Lindsay laughed. "How do I look?"

"Better than I expected," I replied. I got up off the bed. "Much better."

"Wait," she said. She hesitated, then picked up her own glasses. "There we go. I guess there's no harm in just looking."

I stepped back, confused. "Looking? I thought you..."

"What? Hey, look, I already learned the hard way. Shawn's nowhere near us, and I'm not going to risk dying."

"But it wasn't that. I just... Lindsay, I respect you. And you're a wonderful person. I don't want to jeopardize you, and that's not what I had in mind. I just wanted to see how you felt about me. I guess I know now."

I sat down on her bed. She smiled. I thought I heard her giggle. "No... you don't know the half of it."

She sat down next to me. I looked at her and blinked a few times, nervous. "Lindsay, I... am I forcing this?"

"No, not at all. Hey, when I first saw you I wondered who you were. When I saw the picture in the paper, I cried not because you were dead, but because I thought I felt a connection to that guy. I still do. I can't say what it is -- but there's a hunch that you were put here for a bigger reason than because of Vince. Like, we had to meet. How else could I explain the two of us being put together without Kathleen around? Maybe I'm thinking too much."

"I don't know... maybe this is something you can't think about. You can't rationalize. I mean... I never met you in life. And here in death, you... you've been so nice to me, that I... I appreciate that, and I appreciate you."

"Thank you, Andy."

She moved in. I felt a thrill as I closed my eyes. We remained that way, embracing and sealing our feelings, for well over a minute, the longest and most wonderful minute I'd felt since before I died.

As she pulled away, she said, "Good night, honey. And sweet dreams."

I floated over to my bed -- or at least, it felt like I floated. I jumped in and turned off the television. As my eyes closed, I felt a smile on my face that couldn't go away.

*****

Monday, September 29, 2003, 07:30 AM

Chicago, IL

The sound of the alarm woke me up. As my eyes opened, I saw the wall I was facing. Strange -- I fell asleep staring into her eyes... oh, crap... I'm not Hurricane any more. Of all the days to change. I rolled over and turned off the alarm, then stretched a little. In the other bed, I saw a small guy, not facing me, seated and putting on shoes or socks -- I couldn't tell.

"You gonna be ready to go?" he asked.

"Hell yeah," I replied as I reached for my glasses. At least, I tried to, but I saw two pairs there. One was the pair I was used to, but the other was a prescription pair. Oh, great... this'll be fun.

I grabbed them both and worked my way through the haze that was my vision. I set both pairs down on the counter in the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I couldn't figure out who I was, but I saw something that seriously narrowed it down -- a dark skin tone.

My mind raced. Who could I be? Come on, you knew so much about wrestling and everyone in it -- how many dark or black guys are there in the WWE? I couldn't pull the name, and I tried not to think too hard. Whoever I was, their mind hadn't cleared all the fog yet, and it was affecting my ability to think. I reached for a pair of glasses and put them on. I saw myself. For once, the wrong pair. Although this pair of glasses seems to work almost as well as 20/20 anyway... too bad I can't wear these all the time. I switched from one pair to the other as my roommate called to me.

"Hey, don't forget, the big wedding's this weekend. We're all invited."

"Bro, I wouldn't miss it for the world!" Why am I talking like this? What is... oh, wait a minute... I put on my other glasses. Well, of course. I realized I could pull just about any precedent I wanted, because I'd been there. I could argue whether something was good for business because I'd seen most of it. I was an old hand. I was a respected individual. I was a prime time playa.

I was Theodore Long.

[The Third Dukes]

For this section, Operation Get Kevin Nash Over was in full swing. I fully realized that Nash was unpopular in the EWB circles. I also knew why -- he was overpushed, overpaid, undertalented even on his best days, and booked WCW straight into the metaphorical iceberg. So, yeah, there's a lot of reasons to hate him professionally, but people who were cheering for him to tear his quad again were carrying it a bit too far. Scott Keith (ringleader of all things smart....-ass) openly cheered when Nash went down. So I decided I'd focus on his positives -- he was funny, he was approachable, and (as Mick Foley points out in his book) he was willing to take criticism and try to do better. That's why there are still Kevin Nash fans -- because the things he does well, he does REALLY well. (I still think they should've given HIM the Highlight Reel for a week or two to see how he'd do with it. Actually, why didn't I do that? Was Randy Orton the best solution? Ah, the heck with it.)

Also in here is very little actual wrestling and a lot of talking about where people belong. I had decided the overriding theme would be "We Are Family", but there would be no overarcing storyline like there was in Parts I and II. It would simply be examining the definition of family -- be it on the job or at home, or even in the afterlife. So if things seem quite disjointed in this chapter, that's why. Well, that and I was saving my strength for the next post -- a real winner.

*****

Chapter 28

Who Is My Family?

Monday, September 29, 2003, 10:22 AM

Chicago, IL

I walked to Shawn's car, my bags over my shoulder. As I waited, I saw Molly and Gail walk out of the hotel, chatting. At least, Gail was. Molly seemed to be listening. I checked them out with my glasses. Gail seemed abnormal, slightly dim but still there, as if something weren't right. Molly was still a silhouette, out of which the bright gold plate of the Women's title seemed to stand. Even when exiting a hotel, she carried it under her arm, as if it had more meaning that just being a strap of leather.

Linda McMahon exited. Her face had a look of worry, as if her mind were loaded with chores her body couldn't possibly finish. I remembered the wedding this weekend and realized that must have been it. Yeah, the wedding... so many thoughts about it. Before being here, I thought it was a terrible thing, a political maneuver... but now... I don't think so. I think there's a chance it's for real. It has to be. I know too much to think otherwise.

Steve Austin and Jim Ross exited together. Austin still looked like his old self in his shirt, cut-off jeans, and boots. Heck, he even carried a beer can with him. JR wore his cowboy hat, even off-camera. Some people just live their gimmick, don't they? Well, I guess when you have it long enough, it becomes harder to separate fantasy from reality.

That may explain why we move around so much... either that, or to avoid becoming the other person... or... there I go again, thinking. You know, it would be nice to just talk.

As if on some cue, I saw Lindsay. She was carrying her things in a roller suitcase and taking the ramp rather than the stairs from the hotel to the curb. She moved rather slowly and deliberately, but with long strides, as if she were a giant. When I removed the glasses, it became clear. She was Kevin Nash.

"Kev, bro, lemme hear ya," I shouted. He looked my way and did a double take, then smiled and laughed. He picked up his pace and headed my way, limping noticeably from being careful with his quad muscle. She finally reached Shawn's car and opened the front door, sliding in. Harumph. He WOULD get shotgun. I got into the back.

"How ya doin, Lind?" I asked.

"Can't complain. I think I liked my last body better -- it was more reliable -- but I don't think I want to be Amy for anything this week."

"Yeah, Vince is probably going to find a way to embarrass her."

"Embarrass her? Hell, he's going to ruin her. Of course, that's how he is. I mean, you don't double-cross him unless you have a reliable retirement nest egg. Or unless you have that natural salon look like I do."

I groaned. "So you're gonna keep doing the comedy, are you?"

"It's part of the deal. I've pulled this off before."

"Yeah, but back then you meant something. You were cool."

"Not always, man. You ever been through surgery?"

"No... can't say I have... why?"

"Cuz I did. In fact," she said while tapping Kevin's quad muscle, "I experienced this."

I winced. "Exactly," she added.

"How did that happen? I mean, it was just so out of nowhere."

"I wish I knew. I'd avoid it from then on. But the thing feels a lot better this time around, I know that. I hope it lasts, you know?"

"But for how long? Kev's almost done. I mean, he is done. He should be done. I don't know what I mean."

"No, I know. He knows too. But he can get a paycheck, so he's not worried. Then again, I guess being in a midcard story is a bit overboard, isn't it?"

"Well, it's not the most gracious exit, that's for sure."

"Yeah, but... you do what you have to do. I guess Nash just isn't where it's at any more. I just hope he has motivation, you know what I mean?"

Before I could tell her that yes, I knew what she meant, the driver's side door opened. Shawn got in, looked to his right, and smiled. "Well, Big Sexy, what brings you over here?"

"You know. Look."

Shawn did so. "Ah, that. All right, boys, off to Rosemont. Hopefully everything is in order down there."

*****

02:55 PM

Rosemont, IL

"Gregory, can we talk?"

I found myself walking past a room when I heard these words. There was no doubting who said them. Lita did.

"What's up, Amy?"

"Um... it's about what we did..."

Oops.

*****

03:45 PM

"Hot off the presses, kiddies. Get yer latest and greatest right here." Eric walked over to the locker room wall and put the booking sheets on it. As he left, we all rushed to the wall to see what was going on. I heard some audible groans from some people, along with a shout of joy from a few others. Scott Steiner seemed particularly excited, throwing his fists in the air before shadowboxing. I waited for Kevin to get back. I figured he'd tell me.

"So, what's the word, bro?"

"I dunno... I mean, you got stuff, and I got stuff, but it's who doesn't..."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well, Hurricane's on Heat. And Lita's being forced to job tonight. I was afraid of this happening. I'm pretty sure Vince will say it's because they missed some meeting, but I think we both know why."

"Yeah..." I had to stop and consider what I was about to talk about. "Um... you know, Gregory and Amy remember last night."

"I was afraid of that. Dammit. Well... I guess we gotta warn Paul. If Matt finds out he's gonna go through the roof."

"Yeah... I know. Especially because they didn't mean to do anything. It was all us."

"Wait... say that again."

"It was all us."

"Yes it was... Then that means..."

She got her glasses out and looked around, flipping them up and down as she did so. As she found Hurricane and Lita unpacking, she stopped.

"Damn."

"What?"

"They're not all there."

"What?"

"They're... well, look for yourself."

I did so. Just as she said, Hurricane and Lita were half-there and half-gone. They looked at each other uneasily, and every time they did so, they seemed to grow fainter. When they went back to each one's own individual activity, they seemed to grow in vibrance. It was as thought their crimes were one and the same.

"You notice how they flicker, too?" I asked as I put away my glasses.

"Yeah, I did... I think I know what happened, and I think we're mostly off the hook. If only I could be certain it was all the way."

"But how can we find out? We can't ask."

"I have my ways. Remember, I'm a locker room leader. As the oldest -- and best-looking -- RAW performer, I have my privileges."

Kevin sauntered over to them and struck up a conversation. I couldn't hear any of it, and besides, I was soon distracted by Chris Nowinski.

"Hey, old chap. Fancy we work on our promo together? We're being put in a nice position, I dare say."

"That so? How?"

"Well, we've managed to abscond a prime location in the second hour. This is a capital opportunity to cement our rightful spot on RAW, you know."

"So we gotta be good in the prime time."

He paused, then added, "Right," as if being pained by the words I used. "Further, with you making a second appearance in the penultimate hour of the show, our little cadre of mismatched ragamuffins can definitely make great strides towards the advancement of our mission."

"So we can get over?"

He looked at me with a slightly condescending glance. "Isn't that what I just said?"

"I guess so. Well, we'll get right to work on it, right?"

"Indeed we shall."

I followed him to practice. Man... this guy's so full of himself.

*****

06:22 PM

The crowd was beginning to file in as a couple of local workers were getting airtime. I waited backstage, anxious. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, but I just felt like there was something I had to do.

I walked toward the exit, almost out of instinct. I found Shawn standing by there. He saw me coming and broke off his conversation with Brian Gerwitz. "What's wrong, dude?"

"I don't know... I just have this urge of some sort, and I headed outside almost without thinking about it."

"Oh. Don't worry about it. Teddy's just going out for a smoke. It's no big deal."

"Oh, all right." Hang on... "Smoke? But I don't smoke."

Shawn smiled. "You do now."

I rolled my eyes and headed outside. I reached into my pockets and found a pack and a lighter. I methodically, almost robotically, took a cigarette out and stuck it in my mouth. I lit it. Oh, good grief. This stuff tastes awful! How in the world can Long do this? It's nasty... and I can feel my lung clogging up as I do it. Damn.

"Nice night out, isn't it?"

I turned. Lita was outside, smoking a cigarette of her own and casually looking off into the distance. Her hair was a mess, as if she wasn't entirely ready for her match. She began coughing madly, then tried to straighten up. "Man, I don't know why I'm doing this."

"What do you mean?"

"After Jeff... I mean... I just had to do this. I started this morning... God, I don't think I can. I just did this to try to get time away from everyone. I'm so lost. I'm just sick of the whole thing."

I reached over and hugged her. "It's all right, girl. I understand."

"No you don't! God, I'm sorry. I... I just want to know it's okay. I'm just so sick of people offering sympathy. I want my life back. I want my reality back. I want..."

"What? You want Jeff back? Yeah, so do I. But he ain't comin' back."

"It's not just Jeff. It's Vince. I think he hates me."

"Why?"

"Cuz I told him to take that picture down."

"But he should have."

"Doesn't matter."

"Amy... there's more to life than just wrestlin. Look at me. I'm not gonna be out there much longer. I'm an old man. I got the rest of my life to prep for. What about you? What if that neck injury kept you from ever wrestling again? What would you do?"

She paused. I could tell she had never thought of that. "Look, girl, you've got a lot goin' for ya. You've got a great job, a great support system... don't run from it. The world's gonna go on no matter what. Now, c'mon, sista. We got a show to do. You gonna be all right?"

"I don't know... you don't understand. It's more than Jeff and Vince and... it's something personal."

"Is it bigger than those?"

"I don't know... it isn't... it shouldn't..." she began to cry.

"Look, Amy... what's important isn't how you should feel, because that's a load of crap. How DO you feel?"

"You won't get mad?"

"No!"

"All right... well, this morning, Gregory and I -- we -- I mean... we were staying together coming back from the funeral, and... well..." She began to look off into the distance. I could see tears forming in her eyes. "...it was all so fast. I didn't mean to have it happen. It just did."

She wiped her eyes and stared at the cigarette on the ground. "I guess that's why I tried to smoke. I deserve the poison."

"Oh, come now... Amy, you did something wrong, fine. But you know you did a bad thing, and you feel sorry. That's good. That's fine. It's healthy. But you gotta know that you'll be forgiven."

"Please, I don't want to hear any Jesus stuff now."

"Okay, then... you gotta talk to Matt. Let him know. It's the only thing you can do. Tell him you're sorry, and that you regret it, and that you want his forgiveness. He may not give it, but you did your part. And the Jesus stuff... it's true. You do your part, you are forgiven."

She stopped. She seemed to be thinking. I checked my watch. "C'mon, we gotta get inside. I got Heat duty. Just think about what I said. It'll be all right. Trust me."

She looked at me. "I want to... but I don't feel like I can... I'm sorry... I just don't know if I belong."

I put my arm around her shoulder as I led her inside. "This is the WWE, Lita. You always belong."

*****

Wednesday, October 01, 2003, 03:14 PM

Glen Burnie, MD

I walked up to the door of Michael's 8th Avenue, where I was told to do some scouting for the WWE. I knocked on the door. A tall security guard answered and asked for my credentials. Before I could reply that I didn't know what he was talking about, a voice called out from behind the door. The security guard turned around, then let me know I was allowed in.

The bar was all set up for the upcoming weeks. A ring was set up in the center, with chairs all around pointed toward it. It was a regular setup, but something seemed different. Maybe it was the chandelier hanging over the ring, or the slew of advertising around the walls. One thing was for certain: this wasn't the big time.

"Theodore Long -- it's good to see you here. On business?" I turned to the person who had spoken. He was a short man, and young -- no older than 30. He wore a first-class suit and tie, and had on a pair of glasses. But there were two things I noticed more than any others -- his giant notepad under his left arm, and a video camera slung over his right shoulder. I should know who this is... why am I blanking? Why is he blanking?

"Well, officialy, yeah. But I can be convinced to put it aside if you want."

"Oh... no, I'm not ready for something like that. By the way, it's nice to meet you. My name's Robert Feinstein; I'm the leader of this little tribe you WWE guys love to raid."

Of course! "Ah yes... I'm sorry I didn't recognize you at first, kid. My mind's going. So, how go things in the Ring of Honor?"

"Well, it's been a bit rough. This is the first card we've done since Jeff... you know... I mean, he tried with us, but it just didn't work. I wanted to give him a second chance -- just make him a heel outright... I don't know what happened."

"Neither do I... it's a shame." I hate lying, but it has to be done. "Do you have any... plans?"

"Yeah, actually -- we rented out Michael's here for a memorial show. We got a lot of people coming in for one show -- we had to turn them away. Everyone wanted to say goodbye. I never knew he was that well respected."

"Well, he was a pioneer. He turned the flying around into an art. He helped make... the wild spot stuff... I mean, your scramble matches are a direct tribute, almost. In a way. You know?"

"Yeah, I guess I do... but at the same time... well, he was a genuinely helpful guy. It's too bad... really too bad. I know a couple of our crossover guys who made it big up there are coming in for the weekend. I hope there's no repercussions."

"Repercussions? Why?"

"Well, from people missing the wedding."

"Oh, right... come on, Vince wouldn't hold something as trivial as that against people." Except for Lita and Hurricane, but I think we're better off not going there.

"Well, you know... Brian and Paul... they wanted to make one last visit and all. Michael... you know, Mike's a good friend of Trips', and he's kinda part of the Clique family, so really, I don't blame him for making the decision he did."

"He's skipping the farewell show for the wedding? Aren't his commitments to you first?"

"Well, he is Shawn's nephew, you know. I mean, he was invited to take part in the wedding party, and really, that's about as big an honor as you can get. I don't blame him for taking it. He's sent his condolences and all."

"Yeah... but something... I don't know. I mean, I know I'm going to the wedding, cuz... well... we already... I was at the funeral and all... but... eh. I shouldn't be getting upset over this."

"Are you?"

"A little. I miss the guy. I wanted to see him bounce back, you know? The door was open for him to return."

"Yeah, so he said... man, it's all just... look, I didn't want to get this on such a bad note, man. I'm sorry... it's just now's not a good time for you to show up."

"I understand. I mean, when Vince sent me I figured he was just looking for more talent. I didn't think he meant any harm. He just..."

"Wait, Vince sent you? Okay, that explains a lot."

"What does that mean?"

"Teddy, you and I both know that Vince is a heartless bastard who would take advantage of his own family if he thought he could pop another 50,000 buys for a meaningless Pay-Per-View. We're all taking bets as to whether Stephanie's breasts are going to be exposed at WrestleMania. The man could kill his son by having him re-create Owen Hart's freefall, then have someone rape his daughter in the center of the ring, and if it made news the next day, he'd feel no remorse whatsoever! I gotta wonder... why do people want to work for him?"

"You want my answer?" I tried to keep a level voice. I could see that Rob was beginning to lose some semblance of control. I didn't want him to be consumed by his hatred for this man, justifiable or not.

"I guess."

"Well, if you don't, let me know."

"No, no... I'm sorry... go ahead."

"Okay. You see, Rob, the deal is that he's got the biggest show in town. I'm a known quantity again, Rob. You ask a wrestling fan who I am, and they'll say, oh yeah, he's in the WWE. No one remembers when I managed Butch Reed or Mike Shaw. That was so long ago. But it's also... well, I need to work. And I was given a home here. Vince I can ignore, because the guys are the real people that matter."

"But you don't matter. The McMahons matter. Triple H matters. The rest of you--"

"Rob, c'mon... there wouldn't be a show with just the McMahons. Who'd wanna watch his ego tripping all day? He's not Ozzy Osbourne, you know."

"You're right. He's the Ayatollah of wrestling."

"Rob, what's wrong with you? Why are you so upset about this guy you've never had to deal with?"

"Maybe because I grew up watching Flair and Steamboat go for 20, 30, 40, 60 minutes at a time, and I knew that was what I wanted to do. I met people who felt the same way. I met a lot of people who were as avid about it as I was. Paul Heyman wanted to build an entire mindset around it. He got people to believe in wrestling as being fun again, and being a way for people to take pride in their craft, wins and losses be damned. And now Vince... he... shit."

"Rob... come on, be honest... if Vince McMahon offered you a job as a writer and production expert, wouldn't you take it in a heartbeat?"

"No! I'm not going to sell out! What we had in ECW was magical. We can have it again here in Ring of Honor. I mean it. We have a more talented, and a more exciting group of wrestlers than the big boys have had since the Austin heyday. Why should I have to give that up? Paul ran with it and made it work!"

I paused. I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. This man had taken the Kool-Aid from Paul, as we would say. Paul went bankrupt because he was incapable of realizing what the fans wanted. He owed millions to Vince at the end, let alone to everyone else. Does he really believe he can make ends meet?

"Rob... Paul couldn't afford to make it work. Why do you think you'll be able to jump to the top? You have no TV deal, no Pay-Per-View, no source of income outside of the shows themselves. You can't make a living on that, can you?"

"I have tapes. I sell these things. I get thousands of orders with every show. We have a TV show on the Philadelphia affiliates. We're not as small as you think. Reality is, we can break through. I know it. I will succeed where others fail. Besides, if I can't, Jerry and Jeff can. They're the future. I'd work for them."

I didn't know how to reply. This was a man who had bought his own hype. He truly had begun to believe he was the truth behind the future of wrestling. I realized that anything I said would have no effect. He was going to fight his way to the poorhouse.

"Well, good luck, man. I hope you do well."

"Thanks."

*****

Thursday, October 02, 2003, 07:55 PM

Stamford, CT

"You ready, Earl?"

I was preparing the snacks for the referees as we had gathered in Titan Towers, and while technically I was no longer a referee, I was still welcome in the meetings. Tomorrow we would all be carpooling over to the Hamptons for the wedding. Only Earl Hebner knew the address among the referees -- a precaution to ensure that it didn't get leaked to the general public. Vince wanted a private wedding.

"One second... getting the tuner ready. Man, I hope this episode is good. We gotta get on a roll now that HHH is out of RAW for the time being. Man, that Kane attack was something else, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, I'm telling you... wild stuff." Too bad the rest of RAW was such a fiasco. I mean, come ON, what were we thinking having Lita lose in her return match? No wonder she wants to take up smoking. It would give her another reason to get out fast.

"Well, you gonna come in or not? Man, you can wait a couple hours to light up, can't ya?"

"Almost done, man. Damn, you so wouldn't understand."

"Yeah, that's what Brian tells me. Kid doesn't know what he's getting into."

I put out the last cigarette and headed back inside. The TV was set up. The show was ready to begin.

*****

- The SmarKdown Rant for Oct. 2 / 03, taped Sept. 30.

- Live from Milwaukee, WI.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

- Opening match, United States Title: Billy Kidman v. Ultimo Dragon. According to Meltzer, this match is Asai's reward for getting a ***** classic out of Eddie Guerrero on the Hardy Memorial Show. Apparently, the ghost of Paul Heyman still has some influence in the booking nowadays. And thank heaven for small miracles. Handshake before the bell, then a chain-wrestling sequence to establish that this is face v. face. Ultimo is totally carrying Kidman through the early part of the match, working the neck area with weardown holds as Kidman tries to counter off of it. Stalemate as Kidman reaches the ropes, and the crowd applauds. Huh. Back up, and Dragon criss-crosses, ending in a crossbody from Kidman. Dragon returns fire with a headscissors, and the two go into a pinfall reversal sequence. Kidman gets the last two, causing Dragon to bail. Kidman slides out onto him, but Dragon powerbombs him to the floor (!) and hits the Asai moonsault, squashing Kidman against the railing (!!). Back in, Dragon goes for a dragon sleeper, but Kidman flips out of it and shoves Dragon into the turnbuckle, vaulting into a Victory Roll for two. Dragon kicks Kidman out of the ring, then fakes diving after him. Kidman tries to re-enter via the top rope, but Dragon meets him up there, so Kidman flips over in the MURDERDEATHKILL powerbomb for two. Kidman tries a German, but Dragon flips over in the reverse DDT for two. Crowd almost bought that. Dragon goes for a handspring elbow, but Kidman charges and catches Dragon in his handstand, landing a wheelbarrow suplex for two. Dragon chops Kidman into oblivion in the corner, then climbs for a tornado DDT, but Kidman crotches him and follows. Now Dragon goes for the powerbomb out of the corner, but Kidman blocks with a handstand, so Dragon tries to pull him back up, but YOU CAN'T EVEN MURDERDEATHKILL POWERBOMB KIDMAN, and the Shooting Star retains at 8:44. The handshake is repeated post-match. These two didn't click as much as you'd think. Then again, Asai is much more ground-based than he used to be. ***1/2

- BUT WAIT! Jamie Noble is out to demand that Rey Misterio put the title on the line TONIGHT. However, Torrie calmly explains that Rey's not here tonight, but someone else is... uh oh... I don't like the look of the other side of this commercial break...

- Jamie Noble v. Billy Gunn. Oh, yay. Wasn't the world just waiting for this rematch? Cole actually has the audacity to remind everyone that Torrie was forced to sleep with Noble. Yeah, we all needed to remember that match. Gunn is on offense as we return from break, and a One and Only gets two. Press slam gets two. Noble goes low to stop the tide, and a sunset flip gets two. Superkick gets two. Neckbreaker, but Gunn rolls out on the momentum, and Noble hits a pescado onto Gunn -- who doesn't catch, causing Noble to crash and almost break his neck. Dumbass. Back in, Gunn gets two as the match begins to fall apart. Gunn hits the chinlock, but Noble has none of that and gets a backdrop driver, returning the favor, for two. Man, this is getting ugly fast. Just go home. Gunn and Noble slug it out, and the ref is bumped on a wayward haymaker and seems to be checking his nose. Oh dear. The match is actually better with both guys angry, now that I look at it. Noble DRILLS Gunn with a powerbomb, but Rey Misterio makes the not-so-surprise run-in and 619s him into a Dumbasser for the pin at 5:19. The match was a ton better than I give it credit for. **1/2

- John Cena and Undertaker v. Los Guerreros. Need I even mention it's a big-ass brawl to start? Taker pounds on Eddie, while Cena and Chavo are about even. Cena and Eddie collide, with Chavo trying a roll-up for two. Taker boots Chavo down, but Eddie gets a German, only to have Cena grab a flying legdrop. Everybody outside, and Chavo gets sent into the back seat of the Lo Rider. Taker chokes him down with the SEAT BELT OF DOOM, while Cena gets tripped by Eddie. Eddie with an armdrag for two. Eddie does OLD SCHOOL~! for two, pissing Taker off. He charges, but the ref intervenes and Eddie nails Cena with the chain for two. Chavo finally returns to the apron, making sure to notify the referee as he does so (which allows Eddie to do mean and nasty things with a tag rope) as we take a break. Coming back, Chavo has a surfboard, which allows Eddie to dropkick a wide-open Cena for two. Double suplex gets two. Eddie with the slingshot senton for two. POWERPLEX~! gets two, Taker saves. He's escorted out, so Eddie and Chavo switch off and Chavo gets two. Abdominal stretch (with cheating) eats some time. Eventually, Cena hiptosses out after Eddie is caught, and hits That F*cking Move for a double KO. Eddie cuts off the hot tag and hits a camel clutch, yelling at Taker the whole time. Taker is trying to look angry on the apron. Cena makes the ropes, so Eddie tries to drag him back. Cena rolls out of that and clotheslines Eddie down. Eddie charges, Cena hits a fallaway slam, and FINALLY it's a hot tag to Taker. Soupbone! Soupbone! Soupbone! Double clotheslines takes both Guerreros down, but OLD SCHOOL is broken up by Eddie. Cena back in, and the ref is trying to restore order. Eddie grabs the HOOD ORNAMENT OF DEATH, but his swing misses and Chavo takes it. F-U gets the win at 18:44. Crowd loved every last second of it. ***1/2 Sable applauds Cena's effort and makes a match with Test at No Mercy. Sounds like a squash. I like it.

- Charlie Haas and Bradshaw v. Shelton Benjamin and Ron Simmons. Okay, then. Cross-partner dancing to start, and Haas and Simmons get us going proper. Haas hits a German and a kneedrop for two. Bradshaw in, and it's ACOLYTE WARFARE! Simmons gets a spinebuster, then both men reach a block on a slam attempt and tag in their partners. Benjamin gets the better of that with some amateur stylings, but Bradshaw is bored so he pounds on both men. Benjamin pops up to the top rope and rebounds with a clothesline on Bradshaw, while Haas locks on the Haas of Pain on Simmons. Bradshaw breaks, then powerbombs Haas to give Simmons two. This is chaos. Benjamin introduces the tag belts to the equation, but the ref stops it. During the muddle, WGTT hit the leapfrog choke on Simmons, then get their finisher for the Haas pin at 6:03. Um, that was energetic. **1/2 I must be getting senile in my old age.

- Oh, good, a Hulk Hogan interview. Now I can play Mad Libs. Okay, opponent: A-Train. Justification: run in during the Rhyno match and at various house shows (well, that's different). Punishment: No Mercy. Well, if it keeps everyone happy, I can live with it, but I don't see how A-Train can get the rub.

- Handicap match: A-Train v. Spanky and Tajiri. Me and my big mouth. The little guys blitz the train to start. Spanky tosses him into a Tajiri superkick for two. They try it again, but Train barrels through and squashes Tajiri. Spanky jumps on his back and lands a Victory Roll for two. Tajiri kicks him several times, but Train catches the last one. Spanky clips Train, causing Tajiri to do the splits. Yeeouch! Spanky to the top, but Train follows. Spanky kicks him aside, and Tajiri flips over the top in the Tarantula. Ref breaks the hold, so Train heads outside and pounds Tajiri into the post. Spanky dives and lands on Train, then both men toss him back in for two. This is picking up. Spanky with a leg lariat and a HUGE cross body for two. Tajiri hits the handspring elbow for two. Wow. Train barrels out and tosses Spanky onto Tajiri, then covers both for two. Train Wreck on Spanky, but Tajiri clips and Spanky falls on top for two. Train is angry, and a blind charge misses. Train no-sells a Spanky punch, then starts swatting at the two cruiserweight gnats as they fly back and forth trying to get in a shot. By the way, you might want to start putting the Vatican on speed dial. Spanky goes for Sliced Bread #2, but Train launches him OVER THE BARRIER and into the front row. DAMN~! Tajiri hits the KICK OF DEATH to the back of A-Train's skull for two. Spanky pulls himself back into the ring, but Train javelins Tajiri right at Spanky, then hits a pair of Derailers (one on each) before pinning Spanky at 9:07. BRAVO! Not quite A-Train's best match ever, but really damn close. ***1/4 And I officially enjoy the taste of my words earlier.

- Kurt Angle waxes poetic about the No Mercy main event.

- Main event: Brock Lesnar and Rhyno v. Rob Van Dam and Kurt Angle. Van Dam cleans house to start, doing a somersault plancha on the heels to pop the crowd. Angle tosses Rhyno back in and goes for the rolling Germans, but Lesnar sneaks up on the third one and Germans both of them. Brock hits a powerbomb on Angle to keep him down. Rhyno with a powerslam for two as Angle is YOUR Olympian-in-peril. Interesting choice there. Brock with a series of waistlock suplexes for two. Rhyno clotheslines Angle down and tries a crossface, but Angle is ready and blocks. Rhyno with a mini-F5 for two as Brock yells at him about how he's not doing it right. Funny. Brock comes in with a spear for two, and now RHYNO yells about it. So they try a double suplex, but Angle DDTs them both, hot tag Van Dam. Van Dam kicks anything that moves, hitting the stepover enzuigiri on Rhyno and the flying kick on Lesnar. Angle stops Rhyno from retreating with the rolling Germans, so Lesnar rips his head off with a clothesline. Not literally. That would hurt. Van Dam flies in with a spin kick, but Rhyno hits the GOAR GOAR GOAR on RVD to take him out. Angle rolls in with an Anglelock, but the ref rightly ignores it since Lesnar's the legal man. Lesnar with the real F5 for the pin on RVD at 11:44. Whew. *** Lesnar and Angle stare down as we end the show.

The Bottom Line:

When even A-TRAIN has a good match, you know it was a special night. All in all, the wrestling is so much better than on RAW it's not even funny. Well, with the exception of Hogan, but really, what can you do about him?

Oh yeah, just have him talk. That'll work.

*****

I was dreaming. I was in the hallway. No one was to my left or my right, ahead or behind of me. Suddenly I saw a shadow. I tried to make myself small, but the shadow was approaching. I stood back up and walked toward it. My steps were deliberate. I didn't want to approach this shadow, but I felt I had to. The light never bathed on it.

As I stood a few feet away, I called out, "Identify yourself!" Nothing in reply. I felt a deep chill and stepped backward. As I did, the shadow came forward. I continued to retreat, suddenly aware that the cold was coming from the shadow -- it was sucking away all the heat. I began to run the other way. I could tell the shadow was keeping pace. I reached the end of the tunnel and stumbled. I looked back. The shadow was over me. I looked forward. No one. I hunched in a corner, trying desperately to stay warm. I heard the shadow speak.

"Cave Ides Martem!"

[The Third Dukes]

Normally, when I say something I've done is great, it's just me being an egomaniacal prat. However, this was probably the best piece of comedy I've ever written in my life, and I would put it against any entry from any comedy diary as far as bringing the funny. I'd like to thank VR for providing me with some of the inspiration during a hilarious chat we had about the topic below. Truly, through talking with him, I got all concerns about expectations out the window and just had fun. Below, the result of having fun.

*****

Chapter 29

How Not to Get Hitched

Saturday, October 04, 2003, 08:14 AM

The Hamptons, NY

I woke up with a start. I took a quick look around, trying to recover my breath. I'm back in a hotel room. I'm... I'm still Teddy Long. Oh my God... what was that? What was that? It seemed to freeze me. I can't... wow. I'm okay, I'm okay.

"Teddy? You all right?"

"Yeah... I... what time is it?"

"It's... uh... quarter past eight." Earl Hebner must have heard me sit up and gasp for breath. He was half shaven and in his boxers, his eyes wide open. "Man, I thought you had a heart attack or something.

"No... no, nothing like that. I don't know what it was." For once, I can be evasive by telling the truth!

"You gonna be fine?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"All right. Just making sure." He left to continue his morning routine. I slowly recovered my breath and turned on the television. The local morning news was on.

"And of course, today's big social event is the marriage of the daughter of WWE entrepreneur Vince McMahon. Our Ron Bass is outside with the story. Ron, can you hear us?"

Ron Bass? He's... oh, different guy.

"Yes I can, and right now the scene here in the dining hall is a busy one. People are scattering all over the place attempting to get ready the reception for the wedding party for the First Family of the Ring. I'm here right now with co-ordinator James Cornette. James, I understand most of wrestling's who's who is going to be attending this grand event."

"That's right, Ron, we got people coming in from various parts of the world that Vince has dealt with, we got the Rock here, we got Austin here, Hogan's going to be in attendance, Shawn Michaels, of course, and also some people from outside North America, like we've already heard from the old Great Muta about attending, it's going to be a heck of a party."

Ron seemed taken aback by Cornette's speed-speaking style. I was more taken aback that he made a wedding reception sound like a promo.

"Um... okay, James. So I know the reception is by invitation, but can anyone attend the wedding?"

"Of course, Ron, you just need to make your way over to St. Vincent's Church, which is right on the corner of..." and Cornette proceeded to rattle off directions from the north and east in the next thirty seconds as the camera zoomed in on a hand-drawn map he had. I couldn't believe this was before 9 AM and Cornette was going on like this.

"Thank you. Now, obviously, we here in the Hamptons are familiar with the bride, but who is the groom?"

"I'm glad you asked, Ron, his name's Paul Levesque, he's one of the top WWE superstars, he goes by the name of Triple H in the ring, I'm sure all the wrestling fans are familiar with who he is, you may have seen him in the latest commercials for Stack..."

"Hang, on, James. We can't have any product endorsements on the air."

"Sorry, old boy."

"Well, it looks like the whole area is buzzing with an unusual amount of excitement as the First Family of the Ring prepares to marry their only daughter. For Channel 6 News, this is Ron Bass sending it back to the studio."

I turned off the television. "Hey Earl, it looks like we gotta be playin' out dere, belie dat." I laughed.

"Yeah, Corny's already in character. Can you believe that, Teddy?"

"Aw, lemme tell ya playa... this'll be the prime time ee-vent of da year, sho nuff."

"Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? Pass out during the wedding and miss the vows?"

We laughed heartily and exchanged more ideas as the morning went on. Cornette had definitely inspired us.

*****

12:44 PM

The site of the wedding was lined with fans of all types. I almost had a fit laughing when I saw people carrying signs while dressed in their Sunday best. A few gate-crashers attempted to get in with Austin 3:16 shirts on, but I had to expect that. I wonder if Vince realized that the word was out.

As I got out of the referee van, I looked at the crowd and stopped. "Whoa, Earl, hold up... should I wait for Rodney and Chris?"

"Oh, for them? Lemme see if they're inside already. I don't think they were supposed to be here this early." He looked around. "I don't see their car... wait, here's Chris. You can come in with him."

I darted over to the car as Chris, Rodney, and Jazz got out. Chris turned on the alarm on his car as everyone piled out and closed the doors. He adjusted his suit and started to walk to the church. Rodney, however, saw me.

"Yo, Teddy... what's up?"

"Nuttin, playa. Just thought we oughta represent togetha, belie dat."

Jazz looked at me. "What?"

"Oh, sorry..." I lowered my voice. "Lot of wrestling fans here... maybe we should play it up."

She laughed. "All right."

With that, we entered the church together, thuggin' and/or buggin' the whole way. As Rodney and Jazz entered arm-in-arm, I did my best Al Sharpton, complaining about all the white people at the wedding.

I got into the church itself. I didn't see Stephanie anywhere, but HHH was in the back, waiting for the cue from the organ. On screen, he was a man of impeccable charisma that exuded confidence. On screen, he could kill you with a look that told you that you were his next target. On screen, he never faltered, wavered, or stammered.

That was on screen; right now, he was a nervous wreck. He seemed to be sweating from just the emotion of the day, to say nothing of his tuxedo, which appeared to be designed specifically to show how huge he was. Kevin Nash, best man, didn't seem to be helping matters, trying to crack every joke in the book in order to keep things loose.

I entered and blessed myself with the holy water. Now that we were away, Rodney Mack and Jazz were free to be Rodney and Charlene Begnaud, husband and wife. I searched for Shawn, quickly finding him along the side. He was with a younger man I hadn't seen before, but who looked frighteningly like Shawn. Oh well, so much for being out of character.

"Hey, Shawn... what's happenin, playa?"

"Teddy, it's ok. He's with us."

"Oh, sorry... so, how's it going, Shawn? How's the groom?"

"Oh, MAN, you have NO idea. He's going out of his mind right now. I haven't seen him this bad in ages. He's chattering randomly, just trying to get through it. I think he wants the music to start soon." He stopped and saw that the other guy was looking at us. "Oh, I'm sorry. Mike, this is Teddy Long. Teddy, this is my nephew, Michael Shane."

"Hello, Michael. So you're with us now?"

"Yes, Mr. Long. I..."

"Oh, please... PLEASE, call me Teddy. Mr. Long... noooo..." I proceeded to do Fred Sanford's overblown heart attack routine. "I'm getting old."

"Sorry, Mist-- er, Teddy. Yeah, I just signed an OVW deal a couple of weeks ago. They want to try to rush me to the big time so that I can take over Uncle Shawn's place. Nice to know I had one foot in the door, but I hope I can live up to his legacy."

We were caught off-guard by the sound of a loud chorus of boos and the occasional "Asshole" chant from the fans around the church. You know, it's just not a complete wedding unless the father of the bride gets called an asshole. Vince McMahon strolled into the antechamber, swaggering as he did so. He passed the holy water and looked at it disdainfully, then turned to HHH and Kevin.

"What's wrong, Vinnie -- hydrophobic?"

Vince never took his glance off of Kevin as he dunked his fingers in the water. I heard a hissing sound from somewhere as he did so. Suddenly, there was a commotion outside. Eddie's car's brakes had nearly given out, and Paul Heyman was three inches away from being hit. Paul scrambled inside as Chavo began apologizing profusely. I ran to the door as Vince walked on. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see steam rising from the basin. Vince's demon had managed to boil the water by Vince's very touch.

"Paul, Paul... are you all right?" I offered to help him along, as he was still visibly shaken from the close call. Chavo had his left arm and was saying "I'm sorry, sir," over and over. Paul's face was flush red as he regained his breath.

"I'm okay, Teddy, thanks... lemme... lemme just talk to Shawn for a second. Please."

"Okay, Paul."

Paul grabbed the basin and steadied himself on the stone structure. He eventually made his way over to Shawn, asking for time to speak in private. Seeing that everything was in order, I walked to the front.

"RAW or SmackDown!?"

"What?"

I turned around. Brian Gerwitz was standing with me, holding out a program. "Oh, Mr. Long. You're on RAW. Over to the left."

I grabbed the program and walked on, certain that this would either be the best or the worst wedding I had ever seen.

*****

01:00 PM

The organ music had begun as the congregation hushed itself. I looked in the back, where everyone in the procession was standing. Behind me were rows and rows of WWE workers, employees, executives, and so on. In the balcony were sat the fans, many of them bringing signs to commemorate the event. I saw a series of cameras with WWE logos on them, ready to film the glorious occasion. Then, over my other shoulder, I saw Steven Richards and Victoria standing with a few other wrestlers in the back on our side. Steven was behind a sign that said "Heat Section." Oh no, it's going to be one of those days...

The flower girl entered, sprinkling petals everywhere down the aisle as everyone made sure to act like she was the cutest thing they'd ever seen. The altar boys followed, holding the cross up high. The minister was behind them, dressed in a bright white and red outfit and basically one smearing of rouge away from being Brother Love. Behind him was the ringbearer, delicately balancing the pillow on his hands, desperate to make sure the rings stayed put.

The groomsmen and bridesmaids were next. Shawn walked in staring straight ahead, arm-in-arm with Trish Stratus. William Regal was next, smiling as he escorted a very nervous Molly Holly to the altar. Scott Hall followed, seemingly leaning on Stacy Keibler for support more than anything else. Sean Waltman entered, perfectly groomed for once in his life, being accompanied by Dawn Marie. As he arrived at the altar, Sean turned to Scott and stared wide-eyed.

Ivory was matron of honor. She walked alone down the aisle and took her position nearest Dawn Marie. Much like the bridesmaids, her dress was a monochrome teal ensemble that I could only assume was designed to make Stephanie's bridal gown look good by comparison. I turned around and saw Hunter and Kevin waiting to enter next. I half-expected to hear Motorhead start up, but thankfully, it never happened. Hunter walked down the aisle to the same music as before, with Kevin right behind him pretending to hold a gun to his back.

Here comes the bride...

The entire congregation turned around to look at the entrance. Stephanie was unbelievably stunning in her all-white gown, even with the veil covering her. The train seemed to extend for 20 feet. Vince stood by her side, smiling broadly and viewing his daughter one last time. The two walked together down the aisle as the fans in the back began to cheer her on -- moments after having booed Hunter, of course.

The minister began. "Dearly beloved..."

"WHAT?!?"

Everyone turned around and looked up at the balcony. A group of fans were laughing and high-fiving each other. The Heat Section was trying to hold in their laughter. I turned back to the front. Vince seemed to smile, then whispered something to the minister. He continued, this time pausing deliberately after each phrase.

"Dearly beloved," (WHAT?) "We are gathered here" (WHAT?) "to witness the union" (WHAT?) "of this man" (WHAT?) "and this woman" (WHAT?) "in the joyful bond" (WHAT?) "of holy wedlock." (WHAT?) "A union" (WHAT?) "that will persevere" (WHAT?) "through good and bad," (WHAT?) "through happiness" (WHAT?) "and sadness." (WHAT?) "And so, my friends," (WHAT?) "let us pray to the Almighty" (WHAT?) "that he may guide them in their journey together." (WHAT?)

Thankfully for everyone involved, the peanut gallery was reverent during the prayer and their song. As the chords of the song finished, the balcony cheered. With some apprehension clearly showing across his face, began the most important part of the ceremony.

"And now," (WHAT?) "the bride and the groom" (WHAT?) "will exchange vows."

He turned to HHH first. "Repeat after me."

"I, Paul Levesque..."

"I-uh, Paul Levesque-uh..."

"...do take thee, Stephanie McMahon..."

"...do take thee-uh, Stephanie McMahon-uh..."

"...to be my lawfully wedded wife;..."

"...to be-uh my lawfully wedded-uh wife-uh;..."

"...to have and to hold..."

"...to have-uh and to hold-uh..."

"...to love, honor, and obey..."

"...to love-uh, honor-uh, and obey-uh..."

"...in good times and in bad..."

"...in good times-uh and in bad-uh..."

"...in sickness and in health..."

"...in sickness-uh and in health-uh..."

"...till death do we part..."

"...till death-uh do we part-uh..."

"...so help me God."

"...so help me God-uh."

The minister, clearly flustered by this time, turned to Stephanie. "Repeat after me."

"I, Stephanie McMahon..."

"I, Stephanie McMahon..."

"...do take thee, Paul Levesque..."

"...do take thee, Paul Levesque..."

"...to be my lawfully wedded husband;..."

"...to be my lawfully wedded husband;..."

"...to have and to hold..."

"...to have and to hold..."

"...to love, honor, and obey..."

"...to love and to cherish..."

"...in sickness and in health..."

"...in sickness and in health..."

"...till death do we part..."

"...till death do we part..."

"...so help me God."

"...so help me God."

I turned to Earl, then to Rodney. We all had noticed the same thing. For whatever reason, Stephanie had stumbled over her wedding vows. For whatever reason, the minister didn't even flinch. I looked at Vince. He smiled broadly, almost smugly. Was this intentional?

"If there is anyone among us who has good reason why this marriage should not take place, let them speak now or forever hold their peace." Shouts from the balcony almost drowned out the last few words of the minister's traditional invitation. Vince took the mic. "He means a legitimate reason, and not just that you don't like the people involved!" The cheers turned to boos, then subsided.

The ringbearer stepped forward. He held the pillow above his head so that Hunter and Steph could reach it without bending over. Hunter took Stephanie's ring, which I could tell because the glint off of the diamond blinded me halfway down the aisle.

"With this ring..."

"With this ring-uh..."

"I thee wed."

"I thee wed-uh."

Hunter took Stephanie's hand and slid the ring on her finger. I felt a chill as he did so. I looked around. Was anyone else feeling this? I shivered. I looked up at the altar. Kevin was feeling rather uncomfortable himself. I wondered if Lindsay and I were the only ones who noticed, and what it all meant.

"With this ring..."

"With this ring..."

"...I thee wed."

"...I thee wed."

Stephanie took the wedding band and put it on Hunter. The chill left as quickly as it had arrived, replaced with a sense of intense warmth -- not burning heat, but rather a comfortable glow of feeling. I almost took out my glasses instinctively, but I didn't want to know what it all meant. I stared at Vince. His grin was ear-to-ear, almost as if on the inside, his demon was laughing heartily at what was happening.

"By the power invested in me by the State of New York and by the Lord Almighty, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

In front of me, I heard a loud sniffle. I looked. Chris Jericho was in tears as he leaned against his crutches in the aisle. Everyone else was setting off their cameras as Hunter took Stephanie and planted the most graceful kiss he could muster given that his nose seemed to be getting in the way. Both heat and chill were present, as if that was possible. What's going on here? Is this just me? I tried not to seem confused.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Paul Levesque!"

Stephanie was smiling and trying to hold back tears. Hunter's grin was self-content, somehow out of place while giving the aura of being correct. The two left together to an ovation from the workers and a less-than-kind reception from the fans in the balcony. Well, this ain't making Confidential anytime soon.

*****

04:44 PM

Paul and Shawn were meeting with Kevin, A-Train (Owen), and myself as we headed to the reception. Shawn was in the back of the van with us, appearing very concerned. Kevin's face, normally smiling, was invisible; his head was buried in his hands. A-Train and I just looked at each other. One of us had to say it.

"Shawn... when the wedding was going on, I..."

"I know, I know. Kev... Lindsay told me. You're going to get that a lot over the next few weeks."

"Why?" He didn't answer. "Lindsay? Owen? What's with...?"

Owen responded. "October is the devil's favorite month. It's when he causes all the mischief he can. It all leads up to the 31st."

"Halloween? But that's kid's stuff."

"Oh, no it isn't!" Lindsay's voice indicated a deadly seriousness that Kevin Nash himself was never able to produce. "The demons come out to party that day. They put razors and poison in people's candy. They have cars run red lights as children cross the street. They're serious. It's not a good time for us to be around."

"So what do we do?"

"We have to hide. For our own sake. Look, the reason vacation's in the last week of October is so that we can be away from Earth on Halloween. I don't know whether we'll be in Recovery or in Purgatory or what. But we sure aren't going to be here. I wouldn't ask this on anyone. It's not right."

"Wow."

"Yeah, exactly," Owen interjected. "I didn't believe it either, and my first time out there... I nearly got destroyed. They were coming for me. They come for us. It's the safest thing to do."

"So what do we do until then?"

"Just do what we always do. They can't get to us while we're on the job. We're too strong. Sure, they could if we hadn't died, but... something happens. I can't explain it. Trust me."

"Lindsay, is he pulling my leg?"

"No. You gotta believe us. When things don't make sense, or bad things happen this month, you're gonna get that chill. You can't stop it from happening, but you'll know when it happens. The chill -- it's hatred winning over love, like someone's being destroyed by their own flaws."

"Wait a second... you mean..."

"What? What is it?"

"Shawn, you may want to handle this personally. I think Hunter doesn't love her."

He rolled his eyes. "I thought so. The guy's an egomaniac. He's not the guy I knew. I don't know where he went astray, but believe me, I've dedicated my life to helping him see the error of his ways. Maybe love will grow in him. I sure hope so. God, I hope so."

Lindsay looked up. "Just for Kevin's sake... is he... gone?"

"You know as well as I do that he isn't."

"I know he wasn't. I didn't get to see him afterward."

"I did." We both turned to Owen. "He's still there... just a little weaker. I don't know what it all means. I wish I could get inside his head and find out."

"Why not? He's not lost."

"Yeah, I know... it all depends on how bad it is. Some people... they can live for a week on their own without... without trouble. But if he's... if he's bad, then we can't touch him."

"Well, for Greg's sake, I hope he's all right."

Lindsay was taken aback. "Why, Paul?"

"Well, let's just say I got a pair of requests for next week to pray over."

We all looked at each other. None of us knew immediately what was going on. Then, after a few seconds, it clicked in me. "Oh no... Kathleen..."

We all were stunned to silence. It was a full thirty seconds before Owen spoke up. "I sure hope they know what they're doing..."

"Why, Owen? They seem to be all right with it. Why deny them?"

"Well... I'm pretty sure Kathleen thinks it's okay. But... I'm a little worried about Greg."

"What? How?"

"Well, Paul... it all started back on RAW... I mean, Shawn knows what I'm talking about. Greg was... distracted by the Divas. I think he pretty much had to go to SmackDown!, just so he wouldn't have so much... I don't know... Shawn?"

"What he's trying to say," Shawn continued, "is that Greg doesn't seem to have self-control. He was always leering at the women, and making comments that Owen thought were kind of in bad taste. I didn't hear what was said, but I saw him... the guy's still got a high schooler's maturity."

Paul paused. "So you think he's using her?"

"I don't know. I hope not. I really hope not."

"Wait, wait, wait," I interrupted. "Wouldn't he be... gone by now? I mean, Lawler..."

"Not if he doesn't do anything or lead his guys astray. If he's only looking, then yeah, he probably has impure thoughts, but he's not committing a grave error. I imagine the guy uses Recovery like a detox. I wonder what he did before he got here. Point is, yeah, he fades a little every time he does something like that, but not enough for it to be a problem. But now... I just hope he knows what he's doing."

I paused. For the first time in my afterlife, I felt truly scared on Kathleen's behalf, rather than mad or sorry or any other combination of emotions. "I hope she knows."

*****

06:34 PM

The reception was advancing just fine. Thus far I had managed to avoid any major troubles being in the presence of a half-loving couple. I guess if the cold was Hunter's lack of love, the warmth was Stephanie's genuine emotion. The punch and alcohol was flowing, as Steve Austin, Scott Hall, and Bradshaw were busy keeping the tab up at the bar. The rest of us were enjoying champagne with our meal, as truly the catering team had spared no expense.

"Hey... Hey, Long..." it was Ron Simmons, who was seated next to me. "Don't it look like there's another cake in the back?"

I leaned in that direction. "It sure seems like that."

"What's with that, man?"

"I have no idea."

Soon, Kevin began to clang his fork against his glass. The room turned to the stage where he was standing. He had a microphone.

"Okay, guys. This is the part where I'm supposed to offer a toast to the bride and groom. Kinda goes with the territory of being a best man and all. Well, you know... I've known this guy here for something like 10 years. He's everything that his friends say about him and more... so Steph, I hope you signed a pre-nup."

Laughter. Oh no, Lindsay's playing it funny...

"Now, I can't say for certain what their marriage would be like, but I'm pretty sure I know what'll happen on the honeymoon. Stephanie, I hope you realize that this guy won't even lie down for you in bed."

Shocked "Ohhhhhhhhh"s emanated from the reception party.

"Now, I saw Jericho was crying during the wedding. I guess he just realized he isn't getting a main event spot for the next 10 years."

More laughter, accompanied by Jericho's histrionics and shouting, "Why, God, Why???" Hunter was desperately trying to keep a straight face.

"But in all seriousness, I can assure you, Stephanie, that you're getting a man with a lot of good in him. And probably a lot of Rogaine, judging from that spot up front."

Kevin pulled HHH's hair back. Trips was trying to look mad, but even he thought the whole thing was funny.

"Guys, I offer a toast. Rye bread with marmalade and... wait, wrong toast."

Groans and laughs ensued.

"So raise your glasses... Scott, you need to stop drinking for a few seconds."

Laughter came from the bar, as Hall lifted the beer stein over his head to show everyone it was full.

"To Paul and Stephanie. May their days be long and their nights even longer. May their children be many, and may they inherit their noses from their mother. And may they live together for all time, enjoying each other's true love of each other, to the end of their natural lives. To Paul and Steph!"

Everyone cheered. Glasses were clinked together and alcohol was consumed in their honor. From the corner came a crash -- apparently Scott missed Austin's glass and fell over. He pulled himself up and got a new beverage.

Suddenly, there was a bit of a scuffle. Everyone focused in on William and Sean. They were yelling loudly at each other near the edge of the stage. Members of the wedding party did nothing to break it up. I saw Stephanie turn to Hunter and say words of concern, with Hunter turning to Kevin, who merely waved his hand in assurance.

Onstage, the two had gotten into a shoving match. William reached into the pocket of his tuxedo. Sean charged him, only to have William swing at him. I took a close look. William's left hand had brass knuckles on it. What the...? Sean staggered backwards to the edge of the stage, right above the table with the cake.

"Oh, man..."

"What?"

"Just watch, Ron."

Sean pretended to be trying to keep his balance as William approached. Kevin stepped in front, but William shoved him aside. Kev yelled out, "Wait! No!" It was too late. William swung again at Sean, who this time jumped off the stage and through the wedding cake and table below.

The room was silent. Sean slowly got up and looked at himself, covered in cake and icing. He shook his head as he licked off some icing from the flower in his tuxedo. As he did so, Jim Cornette entered from the back with a second table, carrying an identical wedding cake.

"Don't worry, folks. We had it covered. After all, you can't have this many rasslers in one room with a cake and not expect someone to go through it, can you?"

Slowly, the shock wore off. There was a chuckle. Then another. Then some laughing. Slowly, but eventually, the whole room laughed harder than ever before. The laughter turned into applause, as the entire group of guests got up for a standing ovation. William and Sean took a bow.

Ron turned to me and shook his head. "Damn."

*****

Hi, me again.

So yeah, that was the wedding. A few notes:

Ron Bass was actually a reference to nobody 80s wrestler Outlaw Ron Bass. A few people figured it out, though I was running a "Spot the Gratuitous Movie Reference" contest at the same time. A player on the team in "Remember the Titans" was also Ron Bass, but that wasn't my intent.

You'll notice Vince wanted a private wedding, while Corny gave everyone directions. I'd attribute this to either a flaw in storytelling, Cornette being an idiot, or Vince lying to his staff. They're all feasible.

Michael Shane would eventually get the call-up, as he made the leap in a few weeks and is now one of my more reliable midcard heels. He was just introduced here as a way to continue the silliness, and to build on RF's comment that Shane was "in the wedding party". Of course, he isn't, but I can imagine Shane stretching the truth to avoid hurting Feinstein's feelings.

The gratuitous movie reference occurs when Vince plays with the holy water at almost the same time as Heyman gets hit by a car. Watch "Devil's Advocate", one of my Guilty Pleasure movies, if only because Al Pacino looks like he's having the time of his life. Oh, and because just about every woman in it gets naked. Can't beat that.

Kevin Nash's best man speech was part of Operation Get Kevin Nash Over, but was also a way for me to have fun making fun of HHH in a way that wasn't malicious. Don't get me wrong; I loathe the guy. But I wanted to save my vitriol for when I was focused on him specifically. A future conversation allowed me to get it all out by roleplaying -- but I've said too much, and that's months down the line.

And as Cornette said, can you have a cake in a room full of wrestlers and expect it to stay intact?

Man, if only the real wedding had been this much fun.

[DonaldMick]

The minister began. "Dearly beloved..."

"WHAT?!?"

[The Third Dukes]

I'm not entirely sure I had a point in writing this. I just knew I had to find a way to close one week and start another. So I went with a few old standbys in order to get there.

Actually, Scott Hall trying to drown his sorrows was a pretty poignant thing, at least I thought when I wrote it. The idea was to look at Hall and see if his drinking problem was related to how he was treated in wrestling. I always thought of Hall as one of the five biggest names never to hold a "World" championship (DiBiase, Owen, and Piper all fitting in there -- I had Hennig as the fifth, but he held the AWA title, so I'll take suggestions on who #5 is. Malenko maybe?)

The drinking contest was originally meant to be fun with the APA, but as time went on, it morphed into an Owen prank. I'll leave it at that for now.

And of course, this being the end of the week, I had to be someone else. I'll just ask all of you what you would do if you woke in Andy's position. I imagine you'd panic. A lot of people got a laugh out of it, though, so that's good.

*****

Chapter 30

The Drinking Game

Sunday, October 05, 2003, 02:24 PM

Providence, RI

With the Sunday off to recharge and a short drive to Connecticut for RAW and SmackDown! in the overnight offering, some of the members of the gang headed over for a Sunday of private football watching at the Friendly Tap. I remembered this place several times from RAWs past, when the boys would come to Providence and needed an off-arena site to do segments. Owner Tim White had opened the door then, and he did it again now, with Vince himself promising to cover all expenses, despite the presence of Scott Hall.

As halftime approached in the Titans/Patriots game, with my favorite team beating Tennessee 14-3, I sat with the APA over a lunch of potato skins and a Reuben. "Damn, Teddy, how can you eat that shit? The dressing on that... yecch!"

"John, it's only Thousand Island. It's what they put on Big Macs, for cryin' out loud."

"Really? Huh. Maybe I'll try one."

"Yeah, good idea, John," Simmons said. "Need a full stomach to handle your contest."

As Bradshaw walked off and ordered lunch, I turned to Simmons. "Contest?"

"Yeah -- last man drinkin'. Action starts at 9 o'clock tonight. You in?"

"Um, no. And I don't know if this is a bright idea."

"Aw, relax, Teddy. You know these guys know their limits. A lot of them bow out before they pass out. It's only the stupid ones who keep until they faint. Trust me, man, it'll all be good."

"Yeah, but... I don't know my limit. I've never done this before, and I don't think I'll start now. I'll help Tim and the boys keep track."

"Suit yerself, man. Sure you don't wanna place a bet?"

"A bet? You're gambling on a drinking contest??"

"Oh, hell yeah. John and I will put money on anything if we think we can win. A lot of the guys are picking their man and backing him up. You in?"

"I... don't think that's smart, no."

"All right... just stick around for the fun."

"Sure." This is clearly crazy.

*****

05:14 PM

After taking time to relax at the hotel, I returned to catch some of the late games. Philadelphia had taken an early lead on Washington, but it didn't seem destined to last. Meanwhile, Tennessee had forced overtime, but an Adam Vinatieri field goal had sealed a 26-23 victory, earning Bradshaw $100 from Simmons, who clearly was upset at the turn of events. "Damn overtime rule," he mumbled. "They should change that."

I wasn't listening. I was headed over to another part of the bar, where at the counter sat a lonely man. His shirt was messed up, and he was slumped over. His belt was undone, a fact that he seemed oblivious to. He leaned up and groaned, barely able to see through his brown eyes and greasy hair, but still recognizable by the one curl down the front of his face.

"Scott? You okay, man?"

He looked up. "Oh, is you, Teddy -- yeah, I'm all right. I'm just a little tired, man. I don't get it -- I got a lotta sleep last night after the party."

"How much have you had?"

"Nothin', man. I gotta save it for tonight, you know? I figure, if I win their respect, I can come back. I really wanna prove I can be of service."

"Yeah, but... by drinking?"

"Hey... we all have our ways, man. It's not my call how I get back to the big time. Just as long as I get there, it'll all be good. The thing I worry about is... well, people trusting me."

"Trusting you?"

"Yeah -- see, me and Kev... we used to have our way a lot. And I know it, and I ain't gonna deny it, Longboy. We were in charge back then -- and those were the good ol' days. Then I just stopped doing much of anything... and they let me go. But that was OK, cuz I had an idea to pay off of it. And Dubya See Dubya was just the group that was gonna make it happen."

"So you thought of the NWO thing."

"Yeah. That's mine. But it don't matter. See, I thought I was happy there, but... man, that place just sucked. No one had any idea how to run things, people were trying to figure out what they were doing from one week to the next... the only way we had a hope was to have the guys who'd done it before do it again."

"You mean run things."

"Right... but see, the people that the management listened to were people like Hogan and Savage, and a lot of us... we just started not caring. Kev was getting a huge upside on his deal, and he didn't give a crap for years. I was being yelled at and spit on everywhere I went, man. Sure, we had our fans, but the nWo was the evil group, you know?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"And I couldn't handle all that. I'd been the Bad Guy who was the Good Guy for three years -- I wasn't ready to be the face of evil. And I let it show. When they split me from Kev, man... I just lost my way. I started showing up in bad shape, I was stumbling around the ring... got so bad they made my character drunk to cover for it."

"So that's it. I thought that you were just like that."

"No, man... Well, yeah. I was. I wanted to clean up, you know? When WCW folded, and the whole InVasion went on, I wanted out of my contract right then. I knew I could come back home, cuz if Kev had a way in, he could talk me in the door. And the whole nWo in the WWF, dude... that coulda been gold."

"So what went wrong? It worked just fine to me... you were the big story leading into WrestleMania."

He shook his head. "No, no... Hogan and Rocky was the big story. Yeah, I got Stone Cold, and I thought it was awesome, but... they really shoulda given him a partner, man... someone like Edge or Diamond... but he wanted to do it alone. He seemed a little out there, ya got me? Like he was afraid he had to be the man all the time, and couldn't accept a back seat."

I smiled. "Ironic, isn't it? The same things that hurt you before..."

"I know, Teddy. I know. And when the match came around, and ol' Stone Cold was out there givin' me nothing and makin' us both look bad... I knew it. I knew we were a sideshow. We couldn't be a real threat if this one guy beat two of us. I keep watchin' the tape of that, and I keep seein' where I gave him the Stunner, and I just think... that shoulda been it. That shoulda been the finish."

"Yeah -- we all thought that was odd."

"And Austin goes and mopes for a couple weeks, and when he comes back, he's put right into the spotlight. Meanwhile, me and Kev almost get on a goldmine with the whole Hogan and Rocky thing... but Kev got hurt, and the boys felt we weren't ready to have the Kid take his spot. And before I knew it, I was facing Bradshaw in some meaningless match. Kev was gone, Austin was ruining me, fate had taken Hogan's rub away..."

"So you went back to the southern comfort."

"Yeah... It got real bad over in England. I remember showing up for the event. I remember being told to go back to the hotel. I remember falling asleep on the plane -- I don't even remember Brock nearly killing Perfect, you know? Next thing I know, we're back in Stamford... and I'm bein' called to the office. I dunno how I let it get away."

"Scott... do you think you have a drinking problem?"

He looked me straight in the eye. "It's crossed my mind. I just... it's all I got sometimes, man. You realize I've been on top of the world, been the focus of shows for years on end, and I ain't never gotten a title? The NWO was my idea. The ladder match -- I was certain I'd be headed up after that... but... every time, they didn't trust me. I don't get it. I gotta be the biggest name in wrestling that never won a world title. And I hate that."

"But Scott... you never answered my question," I said. "Do you think you're an alcoholic?"

He thought for a long time. "No," he finally said. "I can go without drinking. I can live without drinking. I just do it when I'm down, man. It helps me forget. And I got a lot of shit to forget, man."

"Scott, you sound like one. You're describing the behavior perfectly." I had no clue what I was talking about, but I figured if I talked long enough, one of us would come to our senses. "Look at your life, man. Look at how high you've been and how low you are now. Look at how you were yesterday. I saw you, man. You were so damn wasted you couldn't even finish the toast! Did you need to drink? Why did you?"

"Man... I didn't have that much, did I?"

"Yeah, yeah you did. Don't you remember Kevin telling you to stop drinking during the toast? Don't you remember having to lean on Stacy Keibler for support as you walked down the aisle? Don't you remember anything at all?"

The look on Scott's face told me he wanted to answer. He wanted to refute everything I had just said. He wanted to say it was all lies, or he wanted to say I was reading too much into it and he was just playing along. But the look on his face also told me he couldn't remember anything. A chill swept through my system, but in a way that left me confident it was leaving the area rather than entering it.

"Scott?"

He seemed breathless at the realization that maybe, just maybe, I was calling him. "I... when Vince said it, I thought it was just an excuse for him to fire me. The whole time in WCW... I was gettin' paid so much... and I could do what I wanted. It all seemed... so easy."

"You thought you were in control, didn't you?"

He waited. "Yeah, I did," he finally said. "I thought I was working the drink. It worked me. Oh God..."

He slumped over again, seemingly unable to continue fighting. "Kev!" I called out. "Kev, we got some work to do."

Kevin sauntered over. "What's wrong, man?" Then he saw Scott. "Oh, no... is he...?"

"No. He's just... it's hit him."

"Scott? Are you ok man?"

Scott looked up at Kevin. "I'm sorry, buddy. I've been lying to you. I... get me out of here."

We walked with Scott as tears came from his eyes. He pushed the door open and turned around as he did so. It was as if he was leaving the house of an old friend.

Which, in a way, I guess he was.

*****

06:45 PM

I waited behind the wheel of the car as Kevin came toward me. His nose was red, and his face was puffed up. I could tell he'd been crying too when he got in.

"You ok, Lindsay?"

Kev slouched in the passenger's seat as he buckled up. "Yeah... I'm just... That was the hardest thing Kev or Scott's had to do."

"How is he?" I asked as I pulled out of the parking lot on the way back to the Tap.

"He's gonna be fine. I saw you pull your glasses out as we walked away. Maybe I should ask you how he is."

"He was gone when I saw him. I think inside he... he let alcohol move him. It's good he's getting help now. But deep down... I don't know if he can recover."

"Well, Andy... we all got demons, you know? I mean, not like Vince necessarily, but we all have our flaws. Scott's was drinking. Kev knew it all along. He was just waiting for Scott to know it. There's nothing he could do." Lindsay paused. "You know how hard it is to see someone waste their life on an addiction... to anything?"

"I don't know whether I wish I could say so or not, but... not really."

"Nothing? Not just poisons, you know... I mean any sort of activity."

"Well... when you put it that way... there was one guy I knew back when. He was a serious tail chaser, man. And he was talking about going to strip clubs and trying to take the girls back, and kinda measuring himself by how much they gave him. And one day, he's talking about his latest stuff on the phone, and I just said something that connected out of nowhere."

"That can happen, actually. Maybe you didn't really say it. Maybe someone said it for you."

"Excuse me?"

"We are everywhere, you know." Lindsay smiled. "What did you say?"

"I just asked him, out of frustration, 'Is there anyone you know that you don't wanna get in bed with?' It was something like that, just some sarcastic comment. But he told me it was the thing he needed to hear. And he tried to settle down some, and he always told me it was that comment that turned it around." I chuckled. "Sometimes the Lord is in the little breeze, eh?"

"What? OH, Ezekiel, right... yeah, it's strange. You don't know what's going to make an impact with someone. Some guys need to be shouted at, and some guys need to be treated with small words. And like you said, you may be making one point, and a subtopic of a subtopic of your argument is what hits home. But anything you can do to help helps. And what we did... I hope it helped."

"I hope so too. I mean, I don't think I would've reacted to someone attacking me, but it helped him."

Kev shrugged. "Maybe he had a bout of common sense. Don't worry, though; they have a topical cream for those things."

I smiled and shook my head. "You just have to tell a joke, don't you?"

"It's who I am. Well, for now," Lindsay said, winking as we pulled back into the parking lot.

*****

08:55 PM

"Gather round, boys, the contest is about to begin!"

I looked around the table. The APA, RVD, Big Show, Hulk Hogan, Earl Hebner, Tommy Dreamer, Kane, and Zach Gowen were all entered. Soon after the chairs were arranged, Bradshaw put out an open invitation for one more person to join. Gail Kim sat down, much to everyone's surprise. Simmons handed me the book, complete with everyone's marker for wagering. There were a lot of heads-up bets that were going to be settled in the morning, as well as a few for who would be the last man drinking -- including one person who bet on Zach, with a smile next to it.

Shawn and A-Train passed around the shotglasses and bottles of gin. Each man was given the rules. He would pour off one shot into his glass in turn as they went around the circle. If a man or woman wasn't standing for a full ten-count after drinking the shot, that constituted an elimination. Last one able to stand won.

I looked at Shawn as he passed around the essentials. "Do you condone this?" I whispered.

"Nah, but these guys know what they're getting into -- well, most of them, anyway."

I ran over to A-Train as he left the table to observe. "Why are you doing this? Zach's just a kid, and Gail is..."

"Relax," he said as he winked to me and pointed to a glasses case in his pocket. "I got it covered." I thought about that as the contest began.

*****

09:15 PM

And then there were two.

Some time around Round 5 they began to drop. Hogan, much to no one's surprise, got sick of the taste and begged out first. Gail didn't last much longer, running to the bucket early. Kane decided to stop early so he could be ready for tomorrow's RAW. Hebner fell over at the count of 9 on the seventh drink. Van Dam fell asleep between rounds and couldn't answer the bell. Simmons crashed at 10, while Dreamer made it to an even dozen. Bradshaw, considered the favorite, hurled in dramatic fashion as he pulled himself up for Round 16. What was in the drinks? Shouldn't people be lasting longer?

After so much being consumed, it was down to Big Show and Zach. I looked at A-Train again. He was chuckling to himself as he watched. Kevin had also noticed, and seemed to indicate that a lightbulb had gone off. I took note of the participants.

Big Show was dazed and confused. His eyes were going bloodshot, and his breath reeked. His hand was shaking as he poured, and over the last three rounds, more had landed on the table than in the glass. Zach, meanwhile, had a wide-eyed wonder about him. He was almost a spectator rather than a competitor. Everyone was admiring his stamina. It was as if he was still sober.

Show began to stand up for Round 17. He shakily poured the drink into the shotglass and tossed it back. As Hogan shouted, "Be careful, brother," Show stood. Five, six, seven... a slight tremor in his leg. Eight, nine, ten. He had made it.

Zach pulled himself up on his leg and prosthesis. He poured the drink carefully, almost as if measuring a laboratory sample of ethanol. With an unusual confidence, he sipped it and finished it. Without moving, he stood for the full ten seconds before calmly sitting down.

Show attempted to stand up again. He slowly rose from his chair. As he did, his leg twitched again, causing him to pause. He placed his arms on the table for support, with A-Train and Shawn counterbalancing the other side. Finally, something gave out and he fell forward into the table. The bottles went flying, although Zach saved his, and Show fell to the floor, not quite unconscious but certainly the worse for ware.

The wrestlers gasped in shock. I stared at Zach, who smiled. A-Train placed his hand on Zach's shoulder and proclaimed him the winner. Everyone cheered, then headed for the their tables to watch the Browns/Steelers game or to the restroom to clean out their system. Zach remained at his seat as I walked over.

"Wow. I didn't know you could drink that much... how do you do it?"

"I don't know either," he said. "I sure haven't had this much at one time before."

"Hey, man," interrupted A-Train. "You had a friend."

It was at that point that I remembered that Owen was A-Train that week. I checked Zach's bottle. No telltale bubbles of gas in it. I opened it. No smell emerging. I looked at A-Train, smiled, and shook my head. He grabbed the bottle and took a hearty swig.

Zach was drinking water all along.

*****

Monday, October 06, 2003, 08:00 AM

Stamford, CT

I woke up as before, but something was off today. I couldn't quite place it at first -- my daze kept me from recognizing my surroundings -- but there was definitely something that I hadn't experienced before. Funny, I don't remember being warned of some sort of crisis or anything.

I rolled over and saw a blond head of hair on the other bed. The long locks seemed familiar from behind, and at any rate, the shape of the body was easy to pick out. When the person rolled over, my suspicions were confirmed.

I pulled the covers off, but as I did so, I noticed my hands. They were longer and more slender than I had ever been used to. On top of that, the fingernails were perfectly rounded and of considerable length -- one which usually meant it was time to cut them. Soon the cobwebs cleared, and I realized that a lot more than my fingernails seemed out of place.

I jumped out of bed and reached for my glasses. I knew I was going to need some time to adjust to this one. As I grabbed the case, I saw two identical cases next to each other. I opened them both. Both had our pair of glasses.

I put one of them on and looked around. I saw myself in the mirror -- the first comforting sight since I'd awakened. I slowly turned my head to the person next to me. I let out a sigh of relief. Lindsay was curled up in the other bed, trying to catch the extra sleep.

I removed the glasses, slowly. As I did, I gulped. All the differences I thought I felt I had felt. Everything was different. My hair, usually short and almost black, was now long and blonde. My legs, which had been powerful in my life, were rail thin. But it was more than that. Entire parts of me were out of whack. At least I knew why.

This is going to be painful. Wow, am I glad that Lindsay's my roommate. It's as if God knew I'd need the help. I'd better let her know about this. I am so in trouble... maybe if I wore my glasses she'd realize the problem. I hope that is Lindsay. I hope I wasn't seeing things.

I walked over to her, pausing to see myself in the reflective surface of the lampstand as I did so. I slowly removed the glasses to see myself again. As I did so and took in the reality, the person next to me awakened.

"Could you turn off the light? I wanna get a few more minutes."

"Not this morning. This is an emergency."

The other person looked up. "What's wr--" I turned toward Lindsay. She paused, then reached for her glasses. As she got them out and put them on, she burst out laughing.

"Hey! This isn't funny! I need your help!" I threw myself back on the bed and whimpered. I was not having fun yet.

"I'm sorry, Andy, I really am. Don't worry. Let me just talk to Shawn." She picked up the phone and dialed some numbers. "Hello, Shawn? It's Lindsay. Yeah, how are you? Look, Andy and I are going to be a bit late, so take notes for us at the meeting, would you please? Thanks. Oh, the problem? Just a little adjustment period, that's all. Thanks, Shawn. You're wonderful. Bye."

She took off her glasses and looked at me. "Man, are you ever a mess. Don't worry, though... we can fix that easily. The differences aren't as big as you all think. It's the little things you have to worry about."

I removed the glasses and put them in the case, then looked ahead.

"So, Trish Stratus," I said to Lindsay, hoping the change to character would help me adjust, "where do we start?"

She smiled. "Everywhere, Stacy Keibler. Everywhere."

[Guest Blade]

Great Work dukes, god i think im going to laugh myself to death from reading that final part.

[Guest Rich F]

Some impressive writing, and not too much suspension of belief required. I just have a couple of questions, given the foreshadowing in the writing, how much was planned out in advance (and how long in advance) and are you actually a Catholic or just using elements of Catholic writing on the afterlife?

[The Third Dukes]

First to answer the latest Reader, Rich F (and welcome aboard, cuz it's only gonna get crazier) : I was raised Catholic, and to some degree still am. I say "to some degree" because probably their set of rules most closely matches mine, but I don't see the wisdom that the Church does in all of the little things. There have been times when I feel I'm closer to 2/3 Catholic, 1/3 Episcopal if that makes any sense. But in truth, I tried to write this story as religiously neutral as possible. As I've said elsewhere, it's "Touched by an Angel" meets "Quantum Leap" within the WWE. I've recently stumbled upon a play called "Heaven Can Wait" -- which I think was turned into a Chris Rock movie that stunk -- and there are elements there that show up here.

Back to the story, if I may.

Okay, so I finally give in to some of my Reader demands and send Andy into a woman's body. (Not like that. Pervs.) My first thought was that there would be a LOT of confusion, curiosity, and adjustments minor and major, physical, mental, sexual, emotional, and philosophical. I tried to explore as many as I could think of here in this first bit. Let's just say I was getting them out of the way.

A few Readers pointed out that there's a LOT of sexuality in this story. Maybe it's because, when it comes to identity, our sexual lives are an important part. Maybe it's that it comes with the territory of a love story. Maybe it's that Andy's and Lindsay's ages made them susceptible to their libidinous feelings. Or maybe the author just needs to get laid. Whatever the case, it's one of the first things Andy thinks of in this chapter.

On-screen, this is a pretty big RAW, as the RTC make their unwelcome return. There were a lot of people who saw the potential in the gimmick and wanted to see me make it work. I don't think it was the gimmick that was the problem so much as the way they were booked in matches. For them to be taken seriously, they had to win cleanly. I'm actually doing some of that now (with a moderately unwelcome Bull Buchanan push, although he doesn't appear in this incarnation), but overall, it's hasn't been the easiest thing to do.

This chapter also marked the first time "DM" was addressed. This got the attention of the Readers, who began a long debate as to who the heck "DM" was. I will only say that the best answer I got was one person who replied that "we can probably rule out that Molly is an avid D&D player." This marked the debut of "Yup, these are my readers", a gimmick I stole from Bill Simmons at ESPN.com. I'm shameless like that.

*****

Chapter 31

How to Be a Woman

Monday, October 06, 2003, 08:14 AM

Stamford, CT

"That's not much of a help, you know."

"Relax. There aren't as many differences as you think. Caught me off-guard too, the first time, way way back when. Look, if you're afraid of something, just let me know, okay?"

"Well, there is something... kinda big..."

"What?"

I got very nervous. Maybe physically I was female, but metaphysically I was still male. I hadn't yet lost any gender identity I had had. Would I ever? Well, now's as good a time to find out as any.

"Um... you know, I think I'm kinda hot."

Lindsay blinked. "What does that mean?"

"Well, she is, anyway. I mean, I... when I was alive, she..." I shook my head. "Forget I ever said anything."

"No, no, it's okay. Just spit it out. Look, I've heard a lot worse said about a lot of people. You don't have to worry about offending me. Trust me, I've heard it all."

"Well, okay, Lindsay... but it's kinda..." Oh, just suck it up. "I'm nervous about her body. Like, I'm going to have to do things like get dressed and take showers and stuff. And... well..."

Trish's face lit up. "Oh, I get it! Yeah, Kathleen was telling me the same thing. She couldn't even shower in public cuz she was surrounded by guys. Oh, yeah, I totally understand what you're saying."

"You do?"

"Yeah! Look, don't worry. Don't be upset about it. I mean, good grief, I still think about some guys even though I've been a guy something like 80% of the time since I died. It's not going to go away."

"Hardly a help, you know."

"Look, there are going to be some things you'll have to get used to, but hey, at least you lucked out and have me as a roommate, right? Like I said, I'll help you through it. Now, seriously... you'll be fine. If you're worried about just you, you'll never make it tonight, so... lighten up."

"Tonight? Why, what's tonight?"

She smiled. "You know the Divas get their own locker room, right?"

"Oh yeah... we do." A smile crept across my face.

"Hey, careful now. We can't have you losing yourself in some lustful thinking, you know."

I snapped my fingers. "This is gonna be so difficult."

"Well, if you want to take the day off, you can try to do that."

"No, no, it's not that... it's that... oh, I'm never going to be able to do this!" I buried my face in my hands. I had visions of being useless all week. I could see myself getting fainter and fainter, whether or not it was true. I had been a woman for about 20 minutes and was already a failure.

"Hey, hey... you'll do fine. Don't worry. Pull yourself together."

I looked up. "I should... why am I so...?"

"It happens, okay? You're scared, you're nervous... Stacy's an emotional person. You're going to experience that. Just so long as you can pull through it, you're going to be fine."

I sniffled. "Thanks. I need to wash up, don't I?"

"Eventually. But I think it's nothing a little make-up won't be able to hide."

"Make-up? Oh, no..."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Lindsay, I... I've never worn make-up before! I'm a guy! Guys don't wear make-up!"

She laughed. "Honey, you've never taken a good look around New York at night."

We both laughed together. This was one week I was going to enjoy on a personal and professional level. Just the fact that I was going to be spending so much time with Lindsay almost made me forget how much of a struggle things were going to be adjusting to my new life.

*****

11:44 AM

After spending most of the morning together, including a wonderful breakfast with the rest of the Divas, Lindsay and I decided that maybe Shawn needed to know where we were and what the big deal was. She went off to find him and explain, leaving me alone in the hotel room.

I looked at what I was wearing. I had on an old Dudley Boyz T-shirt that was apparently given to Stacy when she was the Duchess. I was wearing long jeans, normal shoes, and a pair of ear studs. All in all, it was a very casual look, and not one I was used to seeing with Stacy.

Well, now's as good a time as any.

I walked over to the closet and opened the door. There was a large mirror on the inside of the door, which I positioned so that I could see what I was doing. I closed the shades and returned to the mirror. I made sure no one could see what I was about to do. They wouldn't understand.

I kicked my shoes off behind and pulled the socks off as well. I set them aside. I undid the belt around my waist and paused. The next step was the crucial one, mentally, for me. I took a deep breath and regained my composure. With a businesslike pace, I undid the button and zipper on the jeans and slid them off, then pulled my shirt up over my head.

So far, I wasn't seeing anything new. However, the surreality of being so close to it was getting to me. I half-wanted to stop and get dressed again, but I knew that if I didn't do it now, the first time would be in the locker room, in public. I closed my eyes. I wasn't interested in getting there, just being there.

While keeping my eyes shut, I fumbled around behind my back for the bra hook. As I slid my hands up to where it was, I worried about how long the next step would take. Surprisingly, it was simple, almost an automatic thing, as the arms and hands knew how to undo it. I pulled the bra off of me, then tossed it aside by the rest of what I had been wearing. I slowly moved my hands to the last piece of clothing I had -- the panties. Without looking, I slid them down my body and off my feet, discarding them as before.

Just then, I heard a card slide into the door. I turned around and saw the handle turn. Quickly, I dove behind the bed and crawled out of view, only sticking my head up over the edge so I could see who it was. Trish re-entered the room with Shawn. As she did, she was talking to him, saying, "Yeah, so I guess if we could both talk to Andy, he'd be--"

She turned around and saw Stacy's outfit on the foot of the bed, and me curled up behind the bed, thankfully out of view. I smiled and waved. Shawn froze, as if unable to comprehend what could possibly have just happened. Trish, however, instantly turned around and said, "Actually, now's not a good time, so if you could give me a few minutes, I'll get back to you." With that, she shoved Shawn out the door and closed it.

She turned around and sat down on the other bed, facing me. She smiled. "Did we catch you at a bad time, Andy?"

"Um... yeah."

"How long have you been like this?"

"Actually... um... only a few seconds. Honest, you caught me just as I was going to go take a shower."

She half-smiled and gave me a smirk. "Sure you were."

"Look, I swear, I just got undressed, ok?"

"Okay, Andy. That's fine. Just... throw the deadbolt next time. Seriously. Do you want me to leave you alone?"

I paused. "Could you?"

"All right. Just make sure to lock up completely next time you want to do this."

I blushed.

"Don't worry," she said reassuringly, laughing as she did so. "There's nothing I haven't seen before. I was female, and I am female. You don't have to hide for me."

"You sure? I mean, I'd think you would want the setting to be a little more... romantic."

She rolled her eyes. "Andy, there's time for us to be us later. Odds are we're going to be together a lot this week anyway. We can be... look, would it make you feel better if I left?"

"Yeah, it would."

"All right, I'll get going." She got up and laughed again. "Don't worry, okay? You're fine. It's all right. Look, you're always going to be a guy. Heck, the times I've been the Rock I've taken some extra time by the mirror, okay? You just have to be sure you control yourself. It's like I said earlier. Now, I'll catch you in about an hour, okay? That oughta be enough time."

"Thanks. I'd do the same thing for you."

"Thank you. Now, I'd better explain to Shawn why I was so rude to him." She walked to the door and left. As the door closed, I heard her say to Shawn, "Don't worry about that. Andy was just--" before the door slammed shut. I crawled back from behind the bed and went to the mirror, keeping my eyes closed as much as possible. Once in front of the mirror, I opened my eyes and admired the view.

*****

03:35 PM

Mohegan Sun Casino, Uncasville, CT

"Read 'em and weep, ladies," said Eric Bischoff as the latest RAW was announced. I went over to check it, able to get a good look in the Diva locker room. The segments with the women in it were highlighted, helping me find what was going to happen.

Molly rolled her eyes as she walked away. I checked the sheet. The first highlighted passage was: "Jazz/Gail vs Trish/Molly (Gail p Molly clean -> match next week)". Right below it, though, was a series of stuff I would be involved in. First, I'd be at ringside while Scott Steiner did an interview for an open challenge. After that, the challenge would be answered by Sean Morley, who would beat Steiner in his return. The last one, though, caught my attention. It read: "Segment Richards w/Stacy (abduction)".

I chased after Eric, who had already made it halfway down the aisle to the planning room. "Eric, excuse me... s--whoa!" I tumbled over and fell onto my hands and knees on the floor. Eric raced back and helped me up.

"Stacy... you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine... anything damaged?"

"No, you look ok... what happened?"

"I just tripped." Damn high heels -- how do women ever wear them? "I'll be fine."

"Okay... did you want to talk to me about something?"

"Yeah... um, what's the abduction thing?"

"Oh, that. Well, Steven is Sean Morley's manager, and basically he's dumping Victoria to try to get you. He'll explain the whole thing during the challenge and the segment after it. Don't worry, Stacy... you're not really being kidnapped. It's just for show."

"No, no, it's not that... it's that... well.... wait, did you say StevEN? Not StevIE?"

"Oh, I guess I did. Yeah, he's going back to Steven... it's the whole psychological... you know what, if you saw Heat it would make sense. Victoria ditched Stevie there, and he seemed to get this look on his face, remember?"

I didn't, but Stacy did. "Yeah..."

"Well, he promised that tomorrow, the world would be sorry for what Victoria did. I can't say any more. It's all hush-hush. In fact, Steven and Sean are being kept in a separate dressing room."

"So I can't talk about the match with them?"

"Just be yourself, Stacy. You'll do fine."

"Thanks, Eric."

"Hey -- what are old bosses for?" He grinned and hugged me. I wasn't exactly creeped out, nor did I feel a chill as I thought I would. Instead, I was too caught up in the fact that in heels I was taller than Eric to notice.

*****

09:37 PM

HOLLA - IF YA HEAR ME!

The crowd began to boo Scott Steiner as the monster went to the ring. Well, most of the crowd did -- a good portion cheered on their bad boy leader, and another portion cheered me on. Scott, still a gentlemen despite being programmed to be a heartless ass-kicker, made sure to hold the ropes open for me as I swung my legs to enter. Scott then took the mic from Lillian Garcia.

"Now, I understand from the boys in the back that there are a few guys who are upset with the Big Bad Booty Daddy and how he does his actions. Well, I don't give a damn who it is that wants a piece of me, because you know that I can beat anyone here in the WWE. So this goes to all the boys in the back -- if you gotta problem with the one and only Scott Steiner, step into the ring and let him know what it is if you're prepared to face the genetic freak with the greatest peaks. And if you're a Diva, well after the show, you and I can do a little contest of our own back in my room. So this goes to all you freaks out there -- Big Poppa Pump is your hookup! Holla if ya hear me!"

Throughout the time, I positioned myself on Scott's free arm to cement where my choice was. After all, Scott saved me from that abusive boyfriend of mine, Test -- how couldn't I be grateful? We both turned to the entrance as the seconds ticked by. We didn't know what to expect.

Sirens went off again, but much, MUCH louder ones, heightening the cacophony. I placed my hands over my ears and ran away from the entrance. I didn't need to look up at the TitanTron -- I knew I would find the big red circle with the line through it on the screen. Stacy may have never heard this in person, but I sure had.

The music -- er, noise -- stopped soon after. I looked in the aisle, knowing exactly what I was going to see. It also explained the change to Steven Richards, as he and Sean Morley were in the aisle, dressed in the familiar shirt, tie, and slacks they had worn three years earlier. Steven had the mic, and his raspy voice began to explain it all.

"Last night, when that no-good woman of loose morals named Victoria decided she had had enough of me, I came to a realization that I was falling into a trap. It was a trap that would lead to the disintegration of my own personal well-being. I knew something had to be done about it, so I contacted Mr. Morley here and told him we had to go back on the crusade against all that was wrong in the WWE. And a good example of what is wrong is right there in the ring. Miss Keibler, how can you live with yourself? You parade around in the slightest of material, planting sinful thoughts in the minds of men everywhere, and then you spend your time with a man whose whole life is based on excessive violence and gratuitous sexual exploitations! Well, I say no more! Tonight, you, Scott Steiner, will be taught a lesson! And you, Stacy, will be shown the error of your ways -- for your own good."

Morley charged the ring as I ducked out the other side. Steiner and Morley were exchanging blows when I turned around. Steven yelled instructions to Morley, while I just stood and reacted. Morley whipped Steiner back and forth, driving his knee into Steiner's gut as he did so. He went for a bulldog, but Steiner shoved him off and planted him with a bodyslam. He dropped the elbow and covered, but as the ref went down to count, he said, "No, no, not now," and delivered some push-ups to fire up the crowd. I applauded and smiled to the fans behind me.

He stood back up and picked up Morley. He went for an overhead suplex, but Morley elbowed out. He then put Steiner in a headlock, but again Steiner shoved off. On the rebound, Morley was caught and planted with an overhead suplex and a DDT. Steiner covered, and got two.

Steiner went to the top rope, but Morley caught the axhandle with a thrust kick on the way down, then delivered a fisherman's suplex for two. I gasped as Morley yelled at me and called me a "call girl" and other various things. Morley returned to the match, trying a figure-four, but Steiner cradled for two as I cheered, then deflated in turn.

I yelled words of encouragement to Steiner, making sure to lean over as I did so that the cameras could choose a more favorable viewing angle. Steiner began to flex for the crowd as Morley rolled to his hands and knees. Just then, I felt someone grab me from behind. I looked over my shoulder. It was Steven. I screamed.

The ref heard me and ran over to check it out. He tried to separate us, but Steven let go first. He then checked to see if I was all right. I knew something was up, and that Steven and the ref had worked out a finish. I kept him distracted long enough to allow Steven to sneak in and superkick Steiner right in the face, then roll out. As we turned around Morley climbed to the top rope and hit the big splash, which got the win.

I did my best "shocked" face as the alarms went off again. Then I got deeply angry as Steven and Morley posed in the ring. I slid under the bottom rope, nearly sliding out of my dress in the process, and ran behind both men. I dropped to one knee and struck Richards right between the legs. He hopped around and yelled in pain, while shouting instructions to Morley. On his orders, Morley grabbed me and tossed me across the ring. I lay down hurt as Richards and Morley grabbed me. Richards hit me in the gut, and when I doubled over, Morley lifted me on his shoulder and walked off with me to the back.

As we walked through the curtain, Kevin Dunn approached us. "All right, guys, quickly, to the back. We got two minutes! Let's go!"

Sean set me down and I began to follow everyone. Then, when I realized my running style was severely hampered, I took off my high heels and carried them with me. Out in the parking lot, I put them back on and walked to position. Morley picked me up as before, and Dunn shouted at us, "All right, guys, places everyone! We got ten seconds!"

"You all right, Stacy?"

"Yeah, Sean. I'm not too heavy, am I?"

"Not at all."

"Five, four, three, two..."

Sean carried me over to a car parked next to the arena. The trunk opened. Richards flung it open as Morley dumped me into it. Richards grabbed the lid and stared into my eyes maniacally as he spoke. I was paralyzed with fear.

"Listen to me, Miss Keibler. We're going to show you the error of your ways this week. We will make you a better person, and you'll thank us for doing this when we're through. And if your excuse for a man wants to stop us, then next week, he can have a rematch in which we'll show him exactly why we are in the right. If he can win, we will give up on you. But he cannot beat us, because you know that the truth is on our side. Miss Keibler, this is for your own good. Now get down!"

He shoved me as flat as I could get against the floor of the trunk and closed it. I waited a few nervous seconds as I heard the engine rumble. I heard more doors close. I braced myself for the inevitable. Finally, the car jolted forward and began to zoom off. I felt it take a hard right turn and speed onto a road.

Then, it came to a stop. The trunk popped open. I looked out of the back. We were still in the parking lot, some quarter mile from the arena. A pair of huge black slacks blocked my view. The trunk opened. A familiar face smiled, dressed in the same garb as the others.

"Hey, Stacy -- you all right?"

It was Mark Henry. He held out his hand and helped me out of the trunk. I climbed out and walked around to the right. The back door was open for me. I climbed in and sat down. Sean Morley was next to me.

"You ok, there?"

"Yeah... thanks, guys... I'm fine."

"All right," said Steven, in the navigator seat. "Let's head back in and watch the rest."

*****

10:03 PM

I re-entered the arena and followed the others. As I passed the Diva locker room, I pulled off to the side and opened the door. William Regal was in there, heading to a back door. I gasped.

"Oh, truly sorry, miss. I was just sent on an errand by one of your colleagues. I suppose I can try later, though. I'll be off."

He left, walking past me as he did. I felt a deep chill as he brushed by me. I went into the locker room, intending to shower off before the others got there. As I did, I saw a piece of paper sticking out from Molly's tote bag, looking innocuous. It wasn't one I remembered being there. I pulled it out. It was a small note. It read:

"NG warning -- Wed 2000 yours DM"

I didn't know what it meant, but I suddenly felt a need to take a shower. I put the note back, trying to make it look like it hadn't been touched. I began to undress for the shower, but soon changed my mind. It was suddenly too freezing to be washing off in the locker room anyway.

[Nick Adams]

Well, I finished reading this whole thing (well, up to "You Are So Beautiful", Part 6), and it's pretty good. It's enough to make a believer out of any reader. I can't wait to see what you were thinking when you had a demon capture...

Oh, sorry...won't spoil it. But I'll just say that yep, this definitely has a lot of sex, good and bad, behind it.

DM would be furious if he ever read this...really. Well, good on you.

[The Third Dukes]

One of the things I discovered as this diary went on is how much kayfabe was prevalent and needed to be kept. Many of the wrestlers talk about separation from reality, and how important it is -- Ivory here being the next example. To be honest, there are times Andy needed to be reminded that what happened to him wasn't personal 90% of the time. In here is another example, though even there, Andy sees a lot of himself in those around him -- especially the idea of being an outsider, as Ivory saw herself back in the day.

I dropped the first huge hint as to DM's identity here -- actually, depending on how clever you were, I outright gave it away. What I didn't give away -- until Andy saw it firsthand -- was what the notes referred to. I haven't really explored the legalities of said notes, and to get into more detail now would not just be a spoiler, it would be beside the point.

I also go off on a mental rant. As you've figured out by now, I do this every once in a while to clean Andy's mind and let you see what it's like not to have a real identity. Funny thing is, in this one, he talks about who he was... and realizing that there are other people in the world. It's something I needed -- and still need -- help with.

I introduce Alexis Laree to the WWE family here officially. I had her signed to a development deal, but on an open contract -- taking a HUGE risk, as NWATNA and RoH were both climbing the charts. However, she was ready before they were, and after a few months she made The Leap. Laree was someone I wanted to do more with, although a few weeks of booking an NWATNA segment was a lot of fun.

This chapter ends on a very high note. It's not the end of a post, but it should have been. It was basically creative confusion that kept me from saying "I should end here". I'd learn a little better as time went on, and in fact some posts ended on intentional cliffhangers -- which would not make the Readers happy.

*****

Chapter 32

The Calendar Photo Shoot

Wednesday, October 08, 2003, 05:44 PM

Vero Beach, FL

Stay calm, Andy. Stay calm. Just try to ignore the fact that you've got a first-person seat to a Divas photo shoot and they're all walking around down here in swimsuits. Think of something else. Like how cold it is outside. Yeah, that's it. Cold thoughts. Get everything back to... wait, that's not a problem, is it? Just don't stare... Andrew's right there. Don't let him get the wrong ideas.

Each of us had been allowed to invite one person along with us to spend the next few days in still sunny Florida as we rested before the weekend tour. It was just the RAW girls, though -- Torrie and Sable were off in Europe prepping for Rebellion, the UK pay-per-view show. Nidia, however, stayed at home to take part in her first photo shoot, babbling like a maniac the whole way.

"Wow, I can't believe this. I've really arrived, haven't I? This is wonderful. I can't believe I'm going to be doing this. I'm so excited." Yeah, I noticed.

The pictures were to appear in the 2004 calendar. Torrie and Sable had submitted studio photos so that they could take part in the proceedings. Their absence hadn't gone unnoticed by the male members of the crew and company, who seemed somewhat disappointed not to see them here. The Divas themselves, however, were relieved.

In the tent where we were unwinding from the shoot, the talk dealt with the various male members of the roster who had accompanied everyone. Nidia and Jazz got into a fun discussion as to whose husband/fiance could defeat the other in a legitimate street fight, and the terms were getting quite personal. I tried to pay more attention to Ivory, who had her entire family along with her for the trip.

"Hey Tina," I asked, "what's it like to be a mom and a Diva?"

She hesitated, then sent her children to go play with Daddy. She came closer to me. "In what way?"

"Well, does it bother you at all that here you are, parading around in these tight outfits, and your children are going to have that image of you?"

"But why would they? I don't let them watch my show."

"Well, not now... but eventually their friends are going to see you. They'll recognize you."

"Yeah, I thought of that. It's a tough ride. You gotta try to teach the kids to behave one way and then be another -- you want to just be yourself. You have to establish what's personal business and what's public."

"I don't understand."

"Well... who are you?"

"Me? I'm Stacy."

"No, no, no -- I mean, what do we see out there that matches who you are inside?"

I thought. I was afraid I'd have to go ask Stacy about this. What is it that Stacy has that's so true to form? "Well... I guess I'm a cheerful person."

"Okay... what else?"

"Well... I do miss Andrew. I'm glad he got excused from the European tour to be here."

"Yeah, but -- even that... you think Test is a jerk. Of course, you and Scott... but anyway, who are you?"

"I'm a simple girl from Baltimore who won a talent search and went from a dancer to a superstar. I don't know how, but I did."

"Just remember that, then. That's what's important. You need to separate the real you from the fake you. They may have the same name, face, mannerisms... but the person out there isn't you."

"I know that, but -- but how does this relate to your kids? They don't know that."

"Stacy, when you've been doing this for as long as I have, you know how to turn it on and off. I know how to tell people what I do and why I am the way I am. I'm an actress at this point. I'm not even really a wrestler any more. Back when you were still a grade schooler, I was an athlete. Now, I'm just a teacher, an actress, and a mother. And this is my role."

"But don't you wish you could be an athlete again? I mean, I don't know what I'm doing in there, and I don't know if I ever will. But you... you're like this now. I can't imagine what you must've been like back then."

"You've never seen me? Actually, be glad you haven't. I hated that so much."

"Why?"

"Remember GLOW?"

I know what she's going to say, but Stacy probably doesn't. My eyes went wide. "You were in that? Whoa... but that was all about beauty. How did you ever...?"

"Because I was the only one with any talent. It was the only good thing about it. GLOW and POWW... it was all that stupid McLean living out some fantasy... I should've quit sooner, but I needed the money. Now, at least, I can get respect for my talent."

"Tina... look around... we're in skimpy bathing suits getting photographed for a Wack of the Month calendar. How does your talent..."

"...I know what we're doing! I asked to be in the original Right to Censor so I didn't have to be a part of this!" She paused and lowered her eyes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I know it seems weird, but when Tough Enough came along, and I got all that time being the trainer... you know, people here saw me in a different light. And I felt human again."

"Why did you need others to feel human?" Oh, dammit, why did I say that? How did that come out of me? I gotta be more subtle. "I'm sorry, that didn't..."

"No, no. I know. I've wondered that too. I know that my family loves me for who I am, and I know I'll always have fans from everywhere I've been. I still keep in touch with Luna, that wacko. But I just haven't really convinced myself, I guess. Maybe it's that I've always been around these Barbie girls, with their platinum hair and long legs, looking like department store mannequins and with almost as much wrestling acumen... man, how did I ever live with those people?"

I was stunned into silence. I felt tears coming down my cheek. Ivory seemed to be in the middle of free thought, without looking up. I just waited until she was done, then stared at her through my watery eyes.

"I don't know -- how did you live with us?"

I shoved her aside and walked out of the tent, grabbing a nearby robe to keep warm. I ran across the sand and behind a large rock the photo company chose for a possible background, where I sat down and cried. I thought I knew her. She seemed so nice. How could she think that of her? Of me?

"Stacy Girl? You okay?"

"Go away, Andrew. Please."

"All right."

I didn't even look at him. I couldn't. I was too busy thinking about why I was so hurt. I'm not Stacy. I'm Andy. Everything she said... Stacy is here for looks. She knows it. I know it. If I had just acted upset, this would've been fine... but... but I am upset. Why?

I stared at my hands. My thoughts drifted to the glasses in my hotel room. I don't need out, do I? Greg needed out when he was Stacy. Is this happening to me? Where's Lindsay? I'd better talk to her!

I slowly stood up, but was surprised when I saw Trish standing in front of me. She just hugged me and provided her sympathy. "You're okay, Stacy. You're just fine. We like you... we really do."

"Thank you. I like you all... I like you... so much."

"Thank you, Andy. You're gonna be just fine."

*****

07:39 PM

I was alone in my and Trish's room. I lay in bed watching Jeopardy and waiting for Trish to come back from meeting with Shawn. Even while trying to answer the questions that Trebek was throwing out at me, I couldn't stop mentally wandering back to the beach. Every time I didn't focus, I focused on Ivory's words.

I worked hard in high school. I got straight As. I did the math team. But I wanted to be thought of for more than just a genetic gift. But what was I? The Brain. The fucking Brain. Who cares about a brain, anyway?

I tried everything I could. I tried out for the football and basketball teams. I went to the big games. I spoke to people regularly in the halls. Nothing worked. I was just a weird guy -- and a brain. Always, always, I was a tutor or an arbiter. That's not who I am.

I didn't want to be a label. I didn't want to be one-dimensional. I was better than that. I was better than the others. The athletes who took the easy electives -- I'd show them when they worked for me. The cheerleaders concerned about their hair and face -- when it left them, they'd admire what I had. The pot-smoking bullies in the back of the class who thought I didn't belong with them -- they were right; I was so much better.

But oh, those so-called "beautiful people" -- the ones who everyone admired for the shallowest of reasons -- I hated them so much. They did nothing to earn their place, or they did all the wrong things. They were politicians, or models, or loud-mouthed clowns... and they liked each other, and not me. And somehow, they began to design the social world, and I was left out.

I went on to college -- on to Duke -- and I started to form a life for myself. And all the time, I saw the same thing again and again... these people who were loud or good-looking or both, controlling the agenda, making people notice them. They wanted to date the basketball stars; they wanted to be the dance team. There wasn't any room for a math major not in a fraternity. Too clean cut. Too straight-laced. Not enough of a punk to fit in.

Well, now I have my wish. Now I'm one of them. Now I can get the attention by existing; I can set the rules; I can make people want to follow my orders. And she... she said what I thought of people like who I am. And it hurt. It hurt a lot.

I never thought of people as people. It's so hard to do when they fit in, like a character in a storybook. Everyone in my life was a peripheral character, someone I met a few hours a day or a few days a week if I was lucky. I could know only as much as I had to, in order to get through. It was easy to marginalize and group together.

But now -- I'm not even a central character, and everyone else is. And everyone has feelings and perceptions. Now I can't just make rash statements like she did -- they could hurt! Now I can't just say what's on my mind, because it's no longer on MY mind, and it's no longer just MY opinion. On top of that, my actions and my reactions -- everything matters. Everything means something.

Wait a second. Why does this mean something to me? I mean, sure, I just saw that how I thought was dangerous, but I knew that. I never told them how I felt. But this was more personal. Her statement hurt Stacy -- but it hurt me! I'm not Stacy. But I am Stacy. Oh, shit. This is so confusing.

There was a knock on the door. I went to it and looked through the peephole. Trish was on the other side. I opened it. "Are you dressed?" she asked with a smile.

"Come on in," I replied. "I'm decent." She sat down on her bed and watched the show with me for a while. All the time, though, she seemed like there was something she wanted to say but didn't know how to say. I wasn't sure if I should prompt her or not.

"Something wrong, Trish?"

"Trish? No. Lindsay? Yes."

I turned off the television. "What is it?"

"A couple of things... first, I went to see you while you were sleeping off your pain earlier. You're perfectly fine. No sign of being absorbed or faded or anything. It's like these comments never happened."

"But they did. Why would I make this up?"

"No, that's just it -- I know they did. Gail told me."

"So, why are you worried that I'm okay?"

"You remember when the trade happened? Greg came in here and said he was getting emotional and was afraid he was losing it?"

"Yeah, of course I do."

"Well... you're handling this a lot better than he did. I just wonder about that."

"What? What are you getting at?"

"Okay, I've thought about a lot of this, but I never really pieced it together. See, Greg didn't know I was headed to RAW then. He just went looking for someone. Now, here's the thing... he wasn't the first person to bail out that week. Kathleen was. And now, if their prayers were answered, they're off on a honeymoon."

"Yeah, and good for them. They probably met there and fell in love. What's the big deal? Relationships happen; you should know that."

"I do! But I don't know if... if... if he's in a relationship. You heard Owen talk about his tendencies." She shuddered as she said this. I found myself shuddering as well, even though I knew he wasn't around to look at me right now.

"Whoa, that was weird..."

"Well, you are a woman."

"I guess so. But anyway, yeah... I think he's legit. I mean, he talks about having been around a long time and counselling all these people who were our age. He's said it's his gift."

"He says... all I know is he died in some war, with his combat gear on. For all we know he just kicked it over in Iraq. Point is, I don't know if I can trust him, I don't know him that well, and I hope he legitimate and not just trying to screw around."

"Of course he is! He wouldn't last this long otherwise."

She waited. "You're right. I'm getting too worried. I guess it's the other thing that's getting to me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the girls are headed out for a big dinner together. You can come along, by the way, if you want... but the point is, we were gonna go at 8, but Molly was pushing for 9. We kept asking why, and she said she just had something to do at 8. She seemed really evasive. Didn't matter, cuz we're gonna go at 9 anyway, but it was just so weird."

For whatever reason, 8 o'clock seemed to strike a chord with me. Why were alarm bells going off in my head as I heard that time? Where have I heard it before? What about it?

"Andy? Andy, what's wrong?"

"What day is it?"

"Wednesday."

"Wednesday... 8 o'clock... at night..."

"Yeah. At night. Why?"

"I wish I knew. I just feel like this time means something. I'm... you know, I'm probably just weirding out like you are. But I've been getting some vibes about her."

"How so?"

"Well, she got this note after her match. I still remember what it read, because it made me feel dirty and cold all of a sudden. NG warning Wed 2000 yours DM. Now, NG I guess is Nora Greenwald -- Molly. But the rest... I dunno."

"Warning? What could be the warning?"

"Maybe someone is trying to help her out... warn her about this weekend somehow. But who?"

"Maybe the DM... but I don't know of too many DMs..."

"Yeah -- Dawn Marie? But isn't she on SmackDown?"

"Maybe that's why they needed to meet here. I saw her walking around with some new girl from OVW -- Alexis I think. Maybe it's about someone here. We should keep an ear out for this. Maybe we'll talk to Dawn tonight and see if everything's ok."

"Yeah... you know... I feel like going for a walk. You wanna go?"

"Sure."

We got up and headed out to the hall. As we did, Gail exited her room, calling back, "Be back in a few minutes, Nora." She headed to the elevator in front of us. We walked past her room and stopped. An unbelievable chill was coming from inside.

"What's wrong in here?"

"I don't know -- should we find out?"

"Sure, I guess."

I knocked. After a few seconds, Molly answered, dressed in evening attire. "Oh, it's just you two."

"Anything wrong, Molly? I thought you'd be joining us for dinner."

"Yeah, I am. I just wanted to see if this new outfit.. um, fit. You know, I went shopping this afternoon and I wanted to try it on."

I looked her over. The outfit was something you'd have expected Stacy to wear, from the spaghetti straps on top to the short length of the skirt below. It certainly didn't look right on her, and didn't seem right either. The cold feeling grew stronger.

"Well, it fits, but... Molly, it's just not your type of dress. It's..."

Lindsay hushed me. I'll take Lack of Tact for $400, Alex.

"Well, anyway, Nora, we'll talk about it tomorrow. No need to wear it tonight, though."

"I know. I just felt funny. Anyway, thanks for being concerned."

"Sure. Catch you later."

"Okay, bye."

As she closed the door, I felt my wrist. "Oh, shoot... do you have a watch?"

"No, I don't," Trish responded. "I hope we're not out too much."

We took the elevator to the lobby. As the doors opened, we got off and William Regal and Test got on. I gave him a big hug as we passed, feeling strangely happy as I did so. I never thought hugging a guy would get that out of me.

"Hey, William," Trish asked, "you got the time?"

"Oh, yes I do. It's twenty ought five and... oh, sorry, five past eight. Got my watch on bloody naval time."

"Thanks," we both said. I felt the warmth of Test's embrace turn into an icy chill as the elevator closed. Deep down, I realized what the note really meant.

"Lindsay," I said as soon as we were outside, "Wed 2000! Wednesday 8 o'clock! That's why Molly was so inistent on waiting for an hour!"

"Ohhhhh... of course. But what could the warning be?"

"I wish I knew. I really wish I knew."

*****

11:14 PM

The dinner was outstanding. Everyone had a great time -- even I did after Ivory reconciled. "I guess even an old dog needs to learn some new tricks," she said as she apologized to me.

We got to meet the new girl down in Ohio Valley. Her name was Alexis Laree, and she was no stranger to the big time. She still did work with other organizations while fulfilling her OVW duties, most notably for the NWA group in Nashville. She had tons of stories about our old friends like Raven and D'Lo, Road Dogg and Russo. She even had fun starting a Dusty Impersonation Contest. We were all judged too thin to get first place.

As the night ended, I headed off to the ladies' room to accompany Dawn Marie. Well, I guess I'll finally figure why women need a buddy system. As we entered, I found I didn't have to use any facilities and felt a little silly just carrying things around. Fortunately, the same was true for Dawn -- she just put her purse on the counter and touched up her makeup.

"Can you believe that girl? Man, she's wearing way too much eye shadow for her own good!"

"Yeah, I know! It's like she doesn't know what she's doing!" And believe me, I speak from experience.

"And I saw her on those posters for the group my Simon works out of -- MAN, she looks like such a dance hall girl, like she's just trying to hook up with someone."

"Really? But isn't that just who her character is?"

"I guess, but... oh, man, she's a cult princess down there. There must be a whole slew of guys who want her -- well, not my Simon, of course."

"Of course not... I'm sure he'd let you know, though, right?"

"Oh yeah, we're open about everything. Wait, why ask?"

"Actually... I was just trying to find a way to get to something I saw on Monday."

She sat down on a bench. "What was it?"

"Well," I started as I sat down next to her, "Nora got this note about a warning for something. It was signed DM. Did you have anything--"

"Hold on, there, girl. I wasn't even in the building on Monday. Sorry to disappoint, sweetie, but I think it's some other DM. Not that I know who it could be -- although we only have a few thousand people here."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Besides, I sign my name Dawn anyway. It's much better that way." She reached into her purse and fumbled around. "Oh, crap. You got any cigarettes?"

"Me? No! I don't do that!"

"Oh well, thought I'd ask. Well, how do I look?"

"Just fine, really. I can hardly see the difference, truth be told."

"Great. Let's get back before they think we were kidnapped or something."

We exited the restroom and returned to the table, just in time to pass Trish and Molly headed back the same way, talking about what we were saying, with Lindsay trying to figure out more than what we knew.

*****

Thursday, October 09, 2003, 02:52 PM

"Rescheduled? Why?"

I had just arrived at the beach for my session when I got the news. I was supposed to be ready to go in the water for the shots in 10 minutes, and I had arrived all set to begin shooting. But when I got to the set, they told me to turn around and head back.

"Look, the water's too cold today. We don't want you to get sick. We'll try again tomorrow."

"But I'm all ready to go now!"

"I know, I know... but we can't afford to take chances. Look, we still have the shots of you on land; we can use those if we have to."

"You sure about this?"

"Yeah -- just head back to the hotel. We've got other people we need to take care of anyway."

Reluctantly, I picked up my stuff and trudged back across the sand to the hotel. As I did, though, I heard a commotion on the set, and a lot of laughter from the workers and divas. I stopped and looked in their direction. A bunch of people were running after Trish, who had something in her hand. She was headed towards me.

"Keep this away from Alexis," she said as she handed it off. I looked in my hand. It was the top of a two-piece bathing suit. Instantly, Stacy's mind triggered off to me that this was a ritual of some sort. I smiled and kept running. Ivory appeared next to me. I tossed it to her.

As the girls took turns trying to hang on to the prize, poor Alexis kept running around, wearing a towel over herself, begging for the others to give it back. I saw the men over her shoulder. They were laughing hysterically. One yelled, "Get the towel!"

Eventually, the top made its way back to me. I ran straight to the changing tent, with Alexis following me one step behind the whole way. All the other women followed. Gail closed the tent "door" behind her, drawing a series of groans from the male crowd.

Inside, we all applauded as Alexis stood in the center, angry and bewildered. Trish approached her and hugged her. "Congratulations, babe, you're one of us now." I handed her back her top and smiled. Her face slowly broke into a smile, then laughter. She got dressed again as the girls returned for the rest of their shoot. I went ahead to the hotel, wondering why I was the only one put off until tomorrow.

*****

05:44 PM

Lindsay and I were in our hotel room, preparing to join the rest of the group for dinner and SmackDown!. She was trying on various outfits in an attempt to decide which would look best for the guys -- "I'm a flirt, what can I say?" I was busy trying to determine what would happen that night. It would be the first time Andrew and I would be together for any significant period of time this week.

"Lindsay," I finally said, "what can I do tonight?"

"Do?"

"With Andrew. I know we're going to be spending time together."

"Oh! Well, I wouldn't worry about it. Just remember to say no."

"I know that much. But what if he wants me to... you know..." I made a motion of bringing my hand to my mouth.

"Like I said, say no. I mean, you can touch him, sure, but I would be very careful. Don't let him do anything that could lead to going all the way. You're supposed to wait. But I wouldn't be worried; he's too nice a guy to do something like that."

"You think so?"

"Honey, I know so. Stacy talks about him all the time. Heck, I think he's kinda cute myself."

I smiled. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah -- the guy's a catch. Stacy is a very lucky girl. I wish I could spend time with that guy. Maybe I'll get to be Stacy some day."

"You haven't yet?"

"No... why, you wanna switch?"

"Can we?"

She laughed. "No, no, no... I just want to."

"Why? Just so you can be with him?"

"Well... I am kinda curious."

Something about her nonchalance bothered me, but I was having trouble getting to say it. After all, my problems were most likely meaningless -- in the short term, anyway. Nonetheless, I had to say it. "What about me?"

She paused. "Andy... I still like you. You're still a very wonderful person. I'm glad we have time together. But I'm allowed to think other guys are cute, aren't I?"

"Yeah... I guess so..." I felt ashamed. I was being overtaken by jealousy for no reason. "I mean, I still think the divas are hot... heck, I know I am... even though... I'm so sorry."

"No, no, no -- don't be. I'm not upset. You're still a guy, deep down. We're people. We have feelings and emotions of our own. It's what we do with those emotions -- whether we think cruel thoughts, or perform bad deeds -- that determines how good we are. You don't think the saints ever wished they could fool around, that they weren't called to a higher life?"

"I don't know! I guess... I..." I was running out of words. Lindsay saw it and kissed me.

"It's all right. Now, about Andrew... you know the rules, right? They're the same as always. Anything you think is wrong, is wrong. Why are you worried about this?"

I didn't answer right away.

"It's because you're not the guy, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Please. You're in charge now."

"I am?"

"Yeah! You only think guys control it because we let you," she said while winking. We both laughed. "See? You'll do fine. Just say no, and if he doesn't listen, slap him and kick him out."

"All right, I will." A thought crossed my mind. "Lindsay? You said you wanted to have time with him?"

"Well, yeah... it would be nice."

"I have an idea."

*****

08:00 PM

- The SmarKDown! Rant for Oct. 09, 2003 / Taped Oct. 07.

- Taped from Hartford, CT.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

- Before I begin, I just want to say that, no, I haven't seen the tape of the WEDDING OF DOOM that has been circulating around the black market, but if anyone has it, I'll pay money to see it. I've heard a ton of funny things about it, and all I can say is, if you make the wedding open to the public, the public will show up. It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of people.

- On another note, it seems that Scott Steiner has shot himself in the foot on live radio and is out the door. It figures, doesn't it? He probably found he was going to put over the RTC and decided to leave with guns blazing. Apparently, this leaves a gaping hole in terms of who the RTC will feud with, not that you hear me complaining. That group got old FAST back in 2000, and I doubt anyone wants to see them again.

- Oh, and there's a show to do. Fine.

- Opening match: Rob Van Dam vs. Sean O'Haire. Man, did the WWE ever screw the pooch with O'Haire or what? They had a guy who was getting over on his own, then stuck him with Piper in what looked like an attempt to push him to the next level. Of course, the braintrust in the WWE decided to use O'Haire to get PIPER over instead of the other way around, and that was a dumb decision on so many levels. So now they have O'Haire wallowing in the midcard and no credibility or idea how to use him. Anyway, we have a match, don't we? Van Dam attacks to start and gets nowhere. Powerslam by O'Haire gets two. To the outside, where Van Dam hits the STEEL steps. O'Haire chucks him back in over the top rope and gets two. Flapjack gets two. O'Haire tries the Prophecy, but RVD wiggles out and hits an enzuigiri. Flying kick gets two. Martial arts duel favors O'Haire, who delivers a BRUTAL thrust kick for two. Chops in the corner, but RVD reverses. RVD with a slam, but Rolling Thunder hits the knees. O'Haire climbs to the top, but RVD meets him with a superplex for two. RVD potatoes O'Haire a few times, then hits his stepover enzuigiri for two. O'Haire lariats him down for two, but RVD kips up and gets a crossbody and Five Star Frog Splash to finish at 7:33. No flow or anything, but as a wild spotfest it worked. ***1/4 Rhyno gores RVD into oblivion after the match, then challenges him for No Mercy, saying he'll teach him to mind his own business.

- Sable and Test perform some really, REALLY bad sketch about how they'll get John Cena at the Pay-Per-View. I can't tell if Sable's really that bad or just not trying, but Test is clearly phoning it in. Of course, if you had the choice between Sable and Stacy, I think we all know who we would take, right?

- Zach Gowen vs. Paul London. Good to see he's back and healthy, but I wonder if he's improved any. London punches him out and kicks his leg out of his leg. Senton gets two. Gowen kicks him aside and chops him in the corner (whoo). London bails, so Gowen gets in his one offensive move -- a moonsault -- to pop the crowd. Back in, Gowen spears London for two. London hits a legsweep to block, then a single-leg crab. London Bridge (a spinebuster/pinning combo) get two. Cole actually notes that London couldn't balance himself, because there weren't two legs to grab on the flip over. Um, okay. London hits a superplex for two. Flying Jalapeno is ducked, and Gowen punches away to come back. Slingshot legdrop gets two. London ducks a crossbody, then tries a back suplex. Gowen elbows him off, then gets the moonsault for the pin and the welcome back at 5:48. London and Gowen shake hands afterwards. Well, I still don't feel 100% comfortable watching Gowen wrestle, but at least they put him with someone who didn't expose him. **

- The APA are shown backstage playing poker with some guy who apparently is a world poker champion. Also, his last name's Moneymaker, which makes me think he's a fictional character until I go to the World Series of Poker website and realize his last name really IS Moneymaker. Learn something new every day. He's also a fan of World's Greatest Tag Team. Aren't we all? Bottom line, APA lose the game and will defend against WGTT at No Mercy. Not the most orthodox way to establish a match, but it'll do.

- Los Guerreros vs. The Rey Gunns. What, you got a better team name for these guys? Billy starts with Eddie, and a punch-out and drop sleeper get us two. Chavo gets a cheap shot, drawing Mysterio over to get even, and a huge brawl erupts. Rey hits a somersault plancha on both Guerreros on the outside, but back in, Eddie CHEATS TO WIN~! to make Rey face-in-peril. Chavo with a German suplex for two. Eddie slingshot sentons back in for two. Eddie rakes the eyes and low blows Rey while Chavo distracts the ref, then goes up top with a sunset flip for two. Chavo hits Eddie's rolling verticals for two. Eddie hooks the Gory Special, but Billy saves. Chavo in with the Cruiserweight belt, but the shot hits Eddie, hot tag Billy. Dumbasser gets two. Press slam gets two. Eddie is wobbly, but Billy's out of finishers! Cobra clutch (!), but Chavo saves and it's BONZO GONZO. No exclamation point, though. Not that BONZO or GONZO yet. Anyway, Rey wipes out aiming for Chavo on the 6-1-9 and is tossed, leaving Billy two-on-one. Powerplex gets two. Chavo tries the brainbuster, but Billy reverses to a Jackhammer for two... before the ref realizes Chavo isn't the legal man. WHO CARES? Eddie runs in with the belt, but Billy ducks and kicks it back in his face. With the ref distracted clearing the belt, Chavo hits a cross body on Billy and puts Eddie on top for two. Rey returns with a 6-1-9 to Eddie, but the West Coast Hop is ducked... allowing Chavo, who was standing behind the groggy Eddie, to get it instead. Oops. Billy and Rey hit the hop-up rana on Chavo, but as the ref escorts Rey out, Eddie uses a HUBCAP from his car for the pin at 14:53. So for those who are curious, the trivia answer is: it takes three people to carry Billy Gunn. **** Jamie Noble interrupts an argument between the faces by attacking Rey from behind. Gunn pulls him off.

- Kurt Angle promises to make Brock Lesnar tap, but not at No Mercy. Rather, TONIGHT!

- United States Title: Billy Kidman vs. Charlie Haas. By the way, scuttlebutt has it that Kidman's getting a swell head over his US title run and all the great matches he's been putting on, which is JUST what we need -- another ego backstage. Apparently, someone forgot to tell him he's on payroll as a favor to Torrie. At least, he was. Maybe this whole "getting over" thing is working, but he's still a midcard curiosity right now, and will be until he gets a personality. Haas opens fire to start as Shelton Benjamin waits at ringside. Kidman gets whipped into the ropes and uses the momentum to take Benjamin down, which just leads to a double-team as the referee is distracted with Torrie. And really, wouldn't we all be? Back in, it gets two. Haas with the rolling Germans for two. Spin kick is ducked, and Kidman ranas Haas down for two, leading to a pinfall reversal sequence. Haas clotheslines him out of it for two. Haas up top, but Kidman pops up with a Greco-Roman throw for two. Dropkicks stagger Haas, and a flying forearm sends him over the ropes, where Kidman nails him with a backflip. Shelton finds a ladder and sets it up outside, and it's a HUGE one, like the type used at X-7. Haas returns to the ring and tosses Kidman into the ref. Shelton enters for the leapfrog choke that gets nothing because the ref is out. Haas climbs the ladder on the outside, but Torrie shakes it and Haas falls straight into a Kidman dropkick. Shelton goes for a powerbomb, but YOU STILL CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN, but Haas grabs Kidman from behind and WGTT get their finisher. The ref wakes up and counts two. The APA show up at ringside and beat down Benjamin, distracting the ref long enough for Kidman to set the ladder up IN THE RING and deliver the Shooting Star Press off of it for the three (as Torrie scrambles to toss the ladder out of the ring) at 9:44. The ending probably looked better on paper, but points for effort. *** WGTT beat down Simmons to get even.

- Brock Lesnar punks out Kidman to remind everyone who the real champion is, then demands Angle come out. He does, and a HUGE brawl erupts. It's pretty much the same as the HHH/Nash brawl from May, except it gets over.

- Undertaker vs. Rhyno. Rhyno is getting booed out of the building here. It's funny: HHH gets his own stable, new theme music, a manager, Goldberg's head on a silver platter, the single most overprotected job in history, and he's less over than Rhyno, who simply walks out and kicks ass. Think about it. HUGE brawl to start, and Undertaker wins that, then takes it outside. Rhyno chucks Taker into the steps, the railing, AND his bike, then brings him back in, where he punches him down for two. Big uppercut gets two. Nothing fancy here, just punching and kicking, but it's stiff as hell and the crowd is really into it. Taker returns fire and tosses Rhyno by the hair across the ring. Rhyno goes low, then grabs Taker's throat and throws him to the ground by it. Not really a chokeslam, per se, because Taker didn't get elevation; more like that move in SmackDown that resembles a chokeslam, you know? Anyway, it gets two. Rhyno goes to the ribs, punching away repeatedly in the corner, but Taker beals him over the top to the floor, then boots Rhyno as he tries to get back in. Rhyno gets up and kicks Taker HARD in the gut, then gets a PILEDRIVER for two. Sweet sassy molassy. GORE GORE GORE misses, and Taker gets the chokeslam proper for two. Eddie Guerrero runs in and clocks Taker with the LEAD PIPE OF DOOM, and Rhyno hits the GORE GORE GORE on a staggered Taker for the real pin at 6:17. Short and intense -- which is Taker's specialty. *** Rob Van Dam runs in and answers the challenge by kicking Rhyno down and frog splashing him. I'll be shocked if there isn't a black eye from the RVD/Rhyno match.

- "Main" event: John Cena and Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. A-Train and Test. Of all the teams from 2000 to re-unite, did you HAVE to pick T&A, even if it is just for one match? And really, where are the sunglasses? The co-ordinated outfits? The boring music? Trish? Are these too much to ask for? Faces clean house to start, and the brawling continues all around the ring. Cena controls back in on Test, and a fallaway slam gets two. Train clotheslines Cena to give Test two. Cena goes for ten punches and makes the hand signal, which allows Test to toss him over the top and make him YOUR face-in-peril. John "Edge" Cena? Apparently, since Train comes in with a bearhug slam for two. Test with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. T&A whip-splash-boot combo gets two. Test with the pumphandle for two. Train Wreck gets two. Heel miscommunication on a double-team allows Cena the chance to clothesline A-Train and spear Test, hot tag Hogan. Everyone eats the right hand, but Test clips him and gets the Boot for... two. Hulk up, yada yada yada, but the legdrop is blocked by Train and it's BONZO, but not quite GONZO. Train finds Cena's chain and blasts Hogan with it (including sweet bladejob) for the pin at 7:14. Sable directs orders for a beatdown, but both faces Hulk up and the heels run off. Served its purpose. *1/4

The Bottom Line:

Well, it's pretty clear the money matches are Brock/Kurt and Taker/Eddie, but that doesn't mean I have to like the Pay-Per-View. Better wrestling up and down the card than RAW, of course, and even Hogan brought his working boots. Nonetheless, the nostalgia trend with RTC and T&A is a bit worrisome.

Next week: Eric Bischoff hires Vince Russo to manage the New Blood, while Too Cool and Rikishi dance. You heard it here first.

*****

11:03 PM

"Andrew, honey, can I ask you something?"

We were alone together for the first time, and in his room. I was cuddling in his arms, wearing one of his shirts on top of my underwear. I felt his warmth around me in a way I never thought I would. I could tell he loved Stacy.

"Sure... what's wrong?"

"Do you think Sable's cute?"

"What?"

"Is she?"

"Oh, come on. That's just Test. He's trying to get into a position of influence. I don't care."

"You don't?"

"Can't you tell? She's old. She's... yecch. She's a big phony. Why would I want her?"

"Because I'm making you wait." I am? How did I know that? I'd think I wouldn't have access to that.

"You think I can't save myself? Look, Stacy, I want to make you happy. That's why I'm not pressuring you."

"Yeah, because you don't need to." I don't doubt his sincerity, but I just want him to say it, dammit!

"No! What makes you think that?"

"You two are spending all sorts of time together on SmackDown!. Nidia said she's been hanging on your arm."

"Well... that's just for show!"

"Sure. It's because she's easy."

"No! Don't think that! Look, I'll prove it to you, okay? What do I have to do?"

I was beginning to feel the doubt manifest itself. Maybe these words were her true feelings. "I don't know. All I know is I really miss you, and I'm scared that you don't miss me. I want to know you still care for me."

"Of course I do!"

I was shaking my head. "I don't know. I don't know. Look, just... please. Give me some space. I don't know why I feel this way. I just want to trust you."

He let me stand up, then stared and shook his head in disbelief. "Stacy, come on. What have I ever done to make you think I'm not trustworthy?"

"It's not you. It's... I want to believe you. I'm just really caught up in a lot of emotions right now. It was just seeing you, and her, and the way you were making eyes with her the way you do with me... I don't know."

He got up and put his arms back around me. "Stacy... I want you to believe in me. I will always, always -- care for you. I will always have you first in my heart. I want you to know that right now. I really do love you."

"Thanks... I wanted to hear that." I turned around and kissed him again. "I should be going. I don't want people to talk."

"Okay, baby. I understand." We exchanged one last quick kiss, then I put on my jeans and walked off. I felt a spring in my step as I returned to my room.

*****

Friday, October 10, 2003, 01:35 PM

It had been five minutes, and none of the other divas or workers were here. I waited by the shore for someone to show up. The lighting was causing me to keep warm, despite the unseasonably cold day. I guess they decided the water was too cold again.

As I picked up my belongings and began to leave, I saw a whole group of people arriving. Everyone -- from the other girls to their friends to the cameramen -- were present. Shawn was walking ahead of the pack. I saw him put some sunglasses on, but the frames were definitely not prescription.

He walked up to me and whispered, "You're doing fine." Soon everyone was standing together, staring at me.

"What?" I asked, nervously, looking to see if I was indecent or out of place. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," said Shawn. "Truth is, the guys never wanted to take shots of you in the water. The whole thing was a ploy so that we could be here together at the right moment."

"What moment?"

At that point, Andrew stepped out of the crowd and walked towards me. He had took my hands in his and looked into my eyes. I saw a bulge in the pocket of his jeans, square in shape.

"Stacy, this past week I've been thinking... you know, four years ago my character was going to be in the big wedding with Stephanie. It never happened, because HHH got involved. Last weekend... well, Stephanie and HHH made it official. It hit me then that... that I needed to do something."

He dropped to one knee. My eyes grew wide. My hands and legs trembled. I could barely breathe. Tears of joy were coming to my eyes.

"Stacy... would you make me the happiest man on earth?"

He pulled the bulge out of his pocket. It was a ring case. He opened it and produced a beautiful diamond ring. He slid it on my hand. I had no idea how I would find the composure to respond -- my emotions were running high.

"Will you marry me?"

I stared at him and at the ring on my hand. I was crying. I saw Shawn look at me through the glasses and smile. The women were beaming and ready to explode in glee. I looked him straight in the eye again. I couldn't talk. All I could do was nod and let him pick me up off the ground. I was flying high as the crowd applauded.

[chrishardcore]

Dukes wow! This diary just keeps getting better and better, I find myself sucked in so well into this. I only started reading it a few days ago and got addicted and was looking forward to this update. Its an amazing piece of work and I am really enjoying reading it. Thank you very much for providing me with something creative to read online. Keep up the good work.

Chris Hardcore

[The Third Dukes]

First thing: if anyone still cares about extras -- which I hope you do -- I'll go back and add some at your request. Within reason. There will be deleted scenes and the like, or possibly some Rashomon-esque "same scene, different narrator" stuff, but mostly I'll unleash Virch on myself. And the results will NOT be pretty.

So, having just gotten Stacy engaged, I needed to blow off steam. That, and a lot of guys were pestering me about the fact that Stacy, for being in love, was never shown being intimate. Dude -- I'm trying to write a story, and you want explicit lyrics? What kind of guy do you think I am?

Answer: a guy who listens to his public, sort of. You'll see below. If this leaves you with any fun mental pictures, let's just say it was totally intentional. It was my idea not to show anything within the story -- and, in fact, the one time I did I was soundly criticized, but's that later on -- partly because I didn't want this to be about the sex and drugs, but about the wrestling and the mission.

The sniper makes a re-appearance in this chapter, partly because I was flirting with the idea of having him be the impetus for Vince's brush with death. So, yes, I didn't have EVERYTHING planned out from day one, but I was quickly getting there.

You'll notice that when Andy scans the Divas for their soul status, he stumbles upon a few interesting ones. Gail's translucence was directly connected to a plot device -- in reality, she may not have had anything to worry about, but she sure felt guilty later on. It also shows just how much planning I did in advance for my #2 storyline. You'll notice Lita's "uneven" presence -- I actually did this to take a minor stand on abortion as a moral issue. It was also the first clue that Lita was pregnant (which isn't much of a spoiler -- in my BVS continuation, she's already a mom), and certainly it wouldn't be the last, although it might have been the most subtle.

*****

Chapter 33

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Friday, October 10, 2003, 09:14 PM

Vero Beach, FL

I looked in the mirror. Surprisingly, I hadn't become absorbed in Stacy yet. Lindsay, too, was still herself. I had no idea I could hold out this long through such a wild week. I turned to Lindsay as I took the glasses off.

"I don't get it. You'd think I would lose myself in her by now."

"Maybe the fact that I'm here is helping you. I wouldn't be surprised. Now, how do I look?"

I turned to face her in her robe. Her hair and makeup were perfectly in place. She certainly had put Trish's modelling experience to good use.

"Beautiful. He'll love it."

"I hope so."

There was a knock on the door. "Quick, hide," I said. Trish ducked into the bathroom as I went to the door. I opened it. Andrew entered.

"Hey there, baby." We kissed at the door.

"Thank you so much, Andrew. I love you."

"I love you too."

I took him into the room as the door closed behind us. "Honey," I said, "I want to give you a present too. Something to say thanks."

"What is it?"

"Well, I gotta ask -- what do you think of the other girls? You can say you think they're attractive."

"This isn't a trick like last night, is it?"

"No... I wouldn't do that to you tonight."

"Okay... well... they're all good-looking, especially Trish. Maybe it's because she reminds me of you, but she's the best of the rest of them. Why do you ask? Isn't she your roommate?"

"Yeah... well, see, I was hoping you'd say that, because I was talking to her earlier."

"You were?" Andrew seemed confused, but happy, as if he didn't know what was coming but knew it would be good. "What about?"

"About this," said Lindsay, emerging from the bathroom. She turned Andrew around and took off her robe, revealing her night garments. "Congratulations on your engagement, big boy."

Andrew went wide-eyed. He turned back and forth between the two of us before finally facing me. "Is this ok with you?"

"Just this once. I wanted to say I'm sorry, and she wanted to help. Is everything fine?"

Test broke out in a huge grin. "It sure is."

For the next hour, we didn't break any rules. Even so, we were immersed in the love each of us had for each other.

*****

Saturday, October 11, 2003, 11:45 AM

Vero Beach, FL

I was still in bed. We had had a long, fun day and night yesterday, and I was both tired and lost in thought. Trish was up and about brushing her hair and making plans for the rest of the day. She and Molly were going to go shopping for more diva apparel. Of course, she told me that along the way she was going to try to talk Molly out of her shell.

If she said any more than that, I didn't hear it. I was looking at my left hand, with the diamond ring standing out perfectly from the fourth finger. I was lost in its facets and brilliance. I couldn't stop smiling.

"Andy! Are you listening?"

"Hm?"

"Oh, never mind. You're off in your own world."

"What? Is that so bad?"

"Well... just be careful. Remember, you're not getting married, Stacy is. And as much joy as you had, come Monday it'll all be gone. You'll be someone new, with new feelings, emotions, highs, lows..."

"Lindsay," I said, somewhat bored, "can this wait for later? I don't feel like facing reality yet."

She smiled. "In that case, I know something you might need to work with."

"What?"

She ducked into the bathroom. "Let me find it!"

I was curious. What could she have that would help me now? And why would I need it? I can get by with just my dreams, can't I? I rolled over in bed and faced where she was coming from. Even though it meant the light no longer danced in my ring, certain things were, for the time being, more important.

"Lindsay, should I tell Stacy? I mean, does she know?"

"She probably does, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind being able to find out. It's worth trying to find out how to do it."

"Yeah, but -- what will she think of the experience?"

"Memory fails at the right times, you know."

"Okay..." I lay on my back and tried to clear my thoughts. I stared at the ceiling fan, slowly rotating above me, its mesmerizing circle aiding my rookie efforts.

*****

I looked around. I was in a small room, maybe 10 feet in all directions. Across the way was a figure, seated and asleep. Wow, that was quick. I walked forward toward the figure, soon recognizing it as a female shape. As I got closer, I realized it was Stacy.

I extended my hand to tap her on the shoulder, only to pause just before reaching her. The ring was still on my finger -- and it was my finger, not Stacy's. I checked the rest of me. I soon realized I was in Stacy's clothing all around. After regaining my senses, I began to shake Stacy's shoulder to get her attention. Her eyes opened.

"Wha--? What's happening?"

"Relax. You won't even remember this in the morning."

"Am I dreaming?"

"Yeah, you are. I just wanted to show you something."

"What is it?"

"This is yours," I said, as I pointed to the ring on my hand. She took it in her hands and looked at it. Her eyes widened as she beamed.

"Is this from him?"

"It is. Congratulations."

"Thank you... thank you so much."

"You're welcome... I... uh... gotta go now. It's time for us to wake up again."

"Right." She seemed confused, but her spirits were hardly dampened. I turned around and walked to the door. As I reached it, I looked back. Stacy had resumed her position, and was most likely sleeping peacefully and blissfully.

*****

"Lindsay? You sure she won't remember this?"

I was back in the hotel room. Actually, "back" isn't quite the right word, since I had never left. I had simply taken a zone out -- sort of a field trip inside her mind. I had talked to her while she was on break. Had I done something wrong?

"I'm telling you, she won't notice a thing. You were in and out in under a minute anyway."

"Oh... okay. Can I be yanked out of it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, suppose you came back out and shook me. Would I have been thrown out of the door?"

"Oh, that. Yeah, probably. That's why you don't do this at the spur of the moment. You gotta make a conscious effort, and you gotta make sure no one's around. It's hard to learn the timing at first. Ah, here it is."

She returned with something I'd never seen in person. It was a long, thin item, golden in color, with a black base. It looked like a bullet magnified about 100 times -- at least, the shape was the same, even if the size wasn't.

"Here you go."

"What... what is it?"

She laughed. "You've never seen it before?"

"No... I haven't. I mean... I guess I've seen something that looks like... wait... is this a...?"

She showed me a switch on the side and flipped it. I heard a buzzing noise as the object began to make small, rapid motions, almost as if it were a hand-held massager.

"Wow," I said. "I've never seen one of these before. But why would I want to use it? Isn't fantasizing bad?"

She laughed. "If thinking about sex was such a bad thing, we'd all be in Hell. There's nothing wrong with wanting it -- you just have to make sure you don't go for it. At least, that's what I was told so long ago, and I have no reason to believe otherwise."

"Why not?"

"Because I've never faded from it. It's just good fun, Andy -- besides, suppose you wake up and you're a married woman. Don't you want to know what it's like before you get sent straight into the sheets?"

"I... guess... but what about Stacy?"

"Oh, she won't mind. That's one benefit of being a woman on this job -- you can swap stories... and everyone has them."

"They do?" My eyes went wide. "You talk about... you do?"

"Just wait. The girls get together for a slumber party on Saturday nights. And when you get a bunch of ladies together who are used to being half dressed, things can get pretty wild."

I was stunned.

"No! Not like that," she said, quickly realizing what I must have been thinking. "This isn't some porn film -- but we tend to be rather risky anyway. There's a reason the guys aren't allowed in." She winked.

"Wow... that's... but..."

"What? What's wrong?"

"I just feel kinda weird hearing this from you."

"Me? Why? Some girl was going to tell you anyway."

"I mean -- we're close to each other, and... I guess the last person I expected to hear this from is... well..."

"Your girlfriend? Andy, we're not really dating. We can't. You know that, right?"

"But don't you like me?"

"More than you can imagine. But we can't exactly plan for things to do on a free night because we're on the job most of the time. Besides, I don't want a repeat of that Sunny Days thing. You know that."

"I know... But I don't want to do you, Lindsay. I just want to spend time with you. I thought we had something special. Doesn't kissing me mean anything?"

She smiled. "It does. I'm... I'm sorry, I'm just worried. I don't want to lose you. I feel closer to you than... than even Terry. I told you, my heart leapt with joy when I saw you joined us, even though I'd never seen you before. Something just told me..."

"What? That we were meant to be together somehow? Yeah, I've felt that way too."

She came over to the bed and sat down next to me. "Andy, I care for you. I can't call it love, because I don't know if it's real. I've had crushes before, alive and dead. I destroyed one of them. I did that. I'll never see him again, and I had to spend weeks alone, isolated, with nothing to think about but that I had taken a life rather than renewed it. I've worked for six years through a whole slew of people, until no one knew what happened. The last guy who knew was the guy you replaced. I can start over now. I don't want to make the same mistake twice."

I was silent. Something inside me had shifted from Andrew -- Stacy's love -- to Lindsay -- my closest of friends. I began to feel warmth, but a new warmth, almost penetrating the air between us and connecting us in its heat. I looked at her. I could tell she felt it too.

"You don't have to worry. I don't want to lose you. I love you, Lindsay."

We hugged. As we did, she sighed. "I know... but I can't say it. All I know is, whatever assignments we draw after this one is done, I'll never forget you." We kissed again as I fell backward. She smiled as she pulled away. "There. Something to think about while you try that toy on for size."

I smiled as my mind seemed to trigger all the smells of romance that I remembered from prom nights in my life and Stacy's. Trish walked toward the door. As she moved around the corner and out of sight, she smiled and winked back. "I'll be back in a few hours -- lots of time for you. Be ready for tonight! And make sure to throw the deadbolt if you're not done."

"Thanks." I got out of bed as she walked out the door and closed the blinds. I grabbed the Do Not Disturb sign from my side of the door and opened the door a crack. I slipped it around the handle so that housekeeping wouldn't come by. I then closed the door. I found a full-length mirror and stood before it.

As I had on Monday, I undressed. This time, though, I had fun with it. As my hands caressed my skin, I began to wonder if I was taking advantage of Stacy. A rush of warmth within me made me feel otherwise. I thought of Lindsay, imagining her running her fingers where mine were going. All that was left was to find out what it feels like for a girl.

*****

03:37 PM

I felt a gentle rustling on my shoulder. I slowly tried to regain my bearings. My eyes opened to see the blinds down. I rolled over and saw Trish crouching by the bed, smiling and holding the object. I smiled at her. "Thank you," I said.

"Don't thank me yet," she said, smiling. "You must have passed out soon after being done."

"Why?"

"Well, look around."

I slowly picked my head up off of the pillow. As I did, I became aware that I wasn't under the covers as I had thought, but rather on top of them. I looked at the bed. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary -- in fact, the covers were still made from when we came back from breakfast. Then it hit me. I was still undressed.

I stared wide-eyed at myself and quickly sat up, red-faced. I curled up into a ball, trying to use my legs to protect my body -- even though she undoubtedly had seen it all already. I tried to bury my head behind my knees as she laughed at my actions.

"Oh, God... I'm so embarrassed..."

"Don't be. You look great. Besides, I've been a Diva before -- I've seen everything there is to see. It was okay in the locker room, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, but that was different." I'm not sure how, but it was.

"I know, I know... but don't be ashamed. She looks beautiful, doesn't she?"

I smiled. "She does. I wouldn't mind being like this all day."

"Well, you can't be. We have the party to get ready for."

The slumber party! I almost forgot! I sprung out of bed and headed to the bathroom to get showered off and made up. I stopped part of the way through and turned back to Trish. She was smiling at me, a smile that somehow this was an initiation -- to be a member of the opposite gender -- and that I had passed with flying colors. I sat down next to her and kissed her on the cheek. "Lindsay? Am I all right?"

She reached for her glasses, then paused. "All things considered, you'd better make sure for yourself."

I took the glasses from her and put them on. There was no damage. "I'm all right!"

"I told you there was nothing to worry about. Why are you so apprehensive?"

"Well... because there are so many ways to falter, and each one could hurt me."

"It's not as hard as you think. Most things are morally neutral anyway. People are a lot better off than they think. All the same, you have to be careful what you believe. Some opinions are considered innocuous, but they're the difference between life and death. It's all about remembering that people are meant to live their natural lives as themselves, with a complete soul. That's the overriding principle."

I shook my head. "You make it seem so easy."

"When you've been doing this for eight years, it'll be easy for you, too. Now, go get ready."

"Lindsay... can I ask you again how I am?"

She giggled. "You're a great person... even if you are forgetful. Didn't I tell you to throw the deadbolt?"

"Yeah... you did. Sorry."

"Hey, I didn't mind. I liked walking in and seeing you like naked."

Me? Did she...? "Wait, me or Stacy?"

"Stacy. I wouldn't sneak a peek at you without your permission. Now go!"

"Yes, sir!" I saluted and pranced off to the showers.

*****

Sunday, October 12, 2003, 08:44 AM

I slowly opened my eyes and assessed the situation. After a wild night of pizza, gossip, pillow fights, and a movie requiring more Kleenex than should be allowed by federal law, we had all crashed in one room. There were eight of us piled into two beds and spread out along the floor. Lita and Molly were in one bed. Ivory and Dawn Marie were asleep in different chairs. I noticed Gail and Alexis curled up together on the floor between the beds. Trish and I were in the other bed -- still dressed, thankfully -- keeping warm next to each other.

I pulled my glasses out of the pocket of my boxers and scanned the room. Dawn Marie was healthy, although her heart looked different from the rest of her -- must be Simon. Molly was still in silhouetted form, now darker than ever, as if a shadow of herself. Gail was still half-there, while Alexis was perfectly healthy. So was Ivory, although for someone who was married ten years, there wasn't any sign of being linked to anyone. Lindsay was perfectly fine, looking more beautiful in Trish's nighttime attire than Trish did on Friday night. Lita, meanwhile, was recovering, but still mainly translucent except for around her waist and stomach, which were fully opaque.

The alarm went off. Seven women groaned at once as they opened their eyes and complained about the early wake-up call. I put my glasses back and acted like I had simply awakened on my own early. Alexis seemed the most upset by it. "Turn the damn thing off!" she yelled, to general agreement, even though it wouldn't buy them an extra ounce of sleep.

*****

01:34 AM

On the road from Wheeling, WV, to Pittsburgh, PA

Shawn was busy at the gas station attempting to finalize the directions. In the back, Lindsay and I were staring into each other's eyes. Even though they weren't ours, they seemed to radiate something I couldn't understand. It was almost a feeling of satisfaction rather than anything else -- like we could just be happy knowing the other person was alive.

"You two have been acting funny today -- what's going on?"

It was Alexis, up in the front seat. So much for being alone. We looked at each other, then at Alexis. It was clear what she was thinking. Here were two divas acting like boyfriend and girlfriend rather than female co-workers. To say the activity seemed out of place would be an understatement, especially since Stacy just got engaged. I tried to think fast, but fortunately, Lindsay was even faster.

"Oh, we were just remembering the other night."

"What other night? What happened?"

Trish turned to me. "Can I tell her what we did?"

I giggled. "She'll find out anyway."

"Yeah. Well, after Stacy got engaged to Andrew, she wanted to give him a present to pay him back."

"What sort of present?" Alexis turned around and cocked her eyebrow.

"Well," I said, "see, Trish here really likes him cuz, you know, the whole Toronto thing, and since Trish and I room together all the time, you know, we're used to sharing things. So..."

"Wait, wait..." said Alexis, her eyes wide. "You all had a th--"

"No, no! We didn't do it together," Trish stammered out.

"No... we just performed for him."

"You mean you... with each other?"

"Alexis, all we did was make out and let him join in."

Her jaw dropped. "Wow, that's insane! How'd he like it?"

Trish smiled and blushed. "He appreciated the gift."

"You gotta tell me the details. Wow. I wish I had been there."

As we talked for a few minutes, Shawn got out of the station after talking to the attendant. As he opened the door, he heard Alexis say, "Whoa, you did THAT for him?"

Shawn stopped in his tracks and looked in the car. "Why do I sense I'm going to have to talk to you three about fraternization?" he said, staring mainly into the back seat as he did so. The message was loud and clear. Shawn wanted to remind us what the rules were.

"It's not what you think," I said, trying to save face.

"Oh, you did it? I guess that's better. All right, I know where the hotel is now, so let's get going."

Suddenly, I heard an explosion in the distance. Shawn jerked his head over his shoulder as suddenly as he had ducked it to get into the car. On the other side, a pane of glass shattered. Shawn climbed all the way in and gunned the motor as Alexis, Trish, and I screamed in fear.

"Calm down!" he yelled. "Just stay calm!" Shawn slammed the door shut and peeled off in a hurry, finding his way back to the main roads. I looked in the direction of the explosion and saw something bright orange move in the back. My mind began to race.

"Oh God," I yelled. "He almost got us!"

"Who? Who did?"

"He did, Alexis. That shooter!"

Trish looked at me. "The sniper guy? But he's down in Virginia!"

"That's what I thought... but... I..."

"Wait, wait," ordered Shawn from the driver's seat. "How can you be sure?"

"I saw an orange outfit... off in the woods... the stuff he... he wore in prison."

"Shit," he said. "It's all right, ladies. We're all safe on the road. Damn... I was almost killed. Wow. Shit."

Trish leaned over and held my head in her arms. "It's okay," she whispered. "He can't get you again."

*****

Monday, October 13, 2003, 09:30 AM

Pittsburgh, PA

I finally arose from my bed. What a wild week I had. And that dream... man. The dream was nothing special -- the old "new kid at school who seems lost and alone" bit -- but what struck me was that I had it. I didn't remember dreams unless they meant something. What did this mean?

I looked around. I was on a cot near the foot of the other two beds. In one was a black man, in the other a hispanic man. I checked my pockets for my glasses. Finding them, I put them on and turned to the mirror. I was myself -- not faded, scarred, traumatized, or morphed. I had survived a week of more emotions than I knew existed.

I saw something fall out of my pocket as I had reached for my glasses. I picked it up. It was a Ziploc bag, with some brown substance inside I couldn't readily identify. I opened the bag and smelled it. The smell was foreign to me, but strangely uplifting, like coffee. I'd better save this for later.

There was a knock at the door. The hispanic man grumbled, "could someone get that, homes?" I walked over and checked the peephole. Shawn was on the other side, paler than usual. I opened the door quietly.

"Hey, dog," he said, "good to see you again!"

"Yeah, great to see you too. Listen, I'm the only one up here, so could you try to keep it down?"

"Oh, sure -- I just wanted to make sure you guys knew to be at the arena by 2 o'clock. Wouldn't be right to have you late so soon, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." No, I don't know. I'm not sure who I am yet! "Say, Shawn, you feeling better? That was a hell of a scare last night."

"I'm fine... it was just a little weird, you know, seeing your life flash before--" he stopped. He did a double take. "Wait a second. You've been asleep all day. How did you know about it?"

"I was there, Shawn," I responded, holding up the glasses. He took them from my hand and put them on.

"So you were, Andy," he said. "Well, don't worry about it. Anything you wanna discuss while it's just us who can hear?"

"Yeah," I whispered. "I had a dream last night. I was the new kid in school, and everyone was looking at me as I walked the halls, trying to figure out where things were. Then I met these two guys at the end of the row of lockers who were in the same situation I was. We all talked about our experiences back in our old school before heading off to class. What the hell does it mean?"

"Andy," he said, half-surprised I didn't know. "Look at yourself and who else is in your room. Then it'll make sense."

"Thanks... I'll see you in a couple hours out by the car."

"Sure thing. Catch you then, dog."

"Dog?"

"You'll see."

I took my glasses back and closed the door quietly. I examined my surroundings to try and get a clue. I ducked into the bathroom, where I found three bags with identical red-and-black TNA logos on them. Well, that explains the new in town bit... we just arrived from the NWA. I looked up into the mirror. It all clicked -- the brown substance, the two guys with me, and Shawn calling me a dog. Why I hadn't put it together before was beyond me.

I didn't know what the public would call me this time around, but I knew who I was. I was Brian G. James.

[chrishardcore]

Love the update Dukes, this just keeps getting better and better. I am really looking forward to seeing how things go with being in TNA. Keep up the good work

[GCCWolverine]

Andy isn't in TNA...the WWE just signed 3LK from TNA.

[chrishardcore]

Sorry was kinda late when I read this... oopz but still good diary