The Battle for Vince's Soul

[arwrestling]

Hey Dukes, when are you gonna update the story on your site? Like add the last parts? I was just wondering as I prefer to read it there...

[The Third Dukes]

One thing that drove me up the wall when re-reading this chapter: how often people just shrug off Vince's quirks of behavior. I mean, I use that gimmick twice here. And the best part: it's gotten to the point where Vince could sacrifice a goat on TV and no one would bat an eyelash. I swear, every day this book comes closer and closer to sounding plausible.

Okay, outside of the whole "life after death" thing.

This just in: Vince McMahon accused of sexual harassment in Miami. I mean, is there a less surprising headline? Ever?

Okay, now the chapter: this one begins with a prayer, and ends with it fulfilled. Sort of. This goes down in the Cruel Prank list at first (and legitimately pissed off Readers over the time frame) before I revealed the whole thing had a point (which I hope to reveal before returning to Washington next week, just so I can honestly say I'm saving the vital Parts VII and VIII for a big moment). In between, there's a SmackDown.

This SmackDown, btw, features a face turn by Nova and Paul London which wound up doing nothing at the time but balancing the face/heel balance. Of crouse, that wasn't even the craziest decision I made in terms of who to put in the Rumble. That's coming. Soon. As a hint: I think it's when Troy Maskell went from "I'm reading to see what fun turn of events can start" to "I'm reading to find out how I can get pissed off next".

*****

Chapter 76

"That's Vince"

Wednesday, January 14, 2004, 12:33 AM

"God... God, can You hear me? It’s Andy.

I... this last weekend, I was alone in that dream place. And... well, I got to see Lindsay again. We both kinda realized that -- well, forget what anyone else says about what love or affection or a relationship is. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I wish I could... I want to... I wish I was alive, God.

You see, if we were alive, then... then we could be married, and we could pledge our lives to each other. We do that now, and... and it’s kind of an empty promise, You know? So... well, I know You can’t restore my body or my life or anything, so I guess what I’d like is...

Well, if You could arrange a way for us to be together. I wanna go to SmackDown! I want to leave here to be with her. I know you can arrange it next week, God. Just allow things to fall into place. I’ll be at SmackDown!, and I’ll be with her, and we’ll both be happy. It’s the way it has to be, right?

I mean, I love her. So if You can arrange it, please, I beg You... let me be with her. Let me be on SmackDown!. I hope it won’t spoil Your plan to bring Vince into Heaven.

Amen."

*****

Thursday, January 15, 2004, 03:36 PM

Stamford, CT

I searched carefully around Titan Towers. Something told me that there was a problem, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Ever since I died, I had developed a sixth sense about these things -- as though October’s heat and cold hadn’t yet rubbed off on me.

As I headed up to the Tape Room on the 4th floor, Terri Runnels entered the elevator. She was headed where I was, which made things easier. She was hiding her face from me, as though trying to conceal something. I thought little of it. After all, it’s a short ride up to the fourth...

THUD!

...well, that just made the ride a little longer. The room was dark for almost fifteen seconds before emergency lights turned on. The floor indicators were all off. I couldn’t see where we were. Terri was looking up as well, more panicked. However, I couldn’t help but notice the stain of a tear within her makeup.

"Well," I said, trying to start conversation, "looks like a power outage."

"Damn," Terri replied. "I didn’t mean to be here more than a few minutes. This is fun." She sat down. "Well, might as well get comfortable. Sit down, kid."

I did so. "You’re awfully cavalier about this," I said. "I mean, I hope the cables hold up on this thing. And does Vince or anyone else even know there’s people in here?"

Terri laughed. "Don’t panic. Last thing we need is for the air in here to be used up faster."

"Air... used up? You mean, this thing is sealed?"

Terri laughed. "No, silly, it isn’t. See that vent up there? We’ll be fine. Man, you are jumpy, aren’t you, Michael?"

"A... a little."

"Don’t think about it, kid. This has happened to me before. For all the money Vince makes, you’d think he’d update the elevator service in here."

"I suppose." I took a deep breath. "So what was gonna bring you up to the tape room?"

"Oh, I was just collecting some personal highlights. We’re leaving soon, you know."

"We?"

"Yeah. Dustin’s contract is almost up. He doesn’t really want to renew it right now, and, well, I want us to spend more time together. This whole move to SmackDown was to help me stand out as an individual -- well, they say. Really, it was to keep us apart."

"Keep you apart? Why?"

"So that they could show us how bad it would be if we didn’t sign a long-term contract. It was a negotiating ploy."

"That’s stupid."

"That’s Vince."

I guess so. "So what’ll you do? I mean, do you have enough money saved up for Dakota’s future?"

Terri shook her head. "No, not yet. But Dustin will probably do a lot of indy work to make ends meet. He’s always in high demand. Already, Jeff wants him to come in and do a few TNA shows."

I wondered out loud. "Is he in demand or is Goldust?"

Terri smiled. "No, he is," she said. "Remember, he’s a Rhodes. We could make a killing in Florida if we wanted to. Atlanta, Texas... there’s enough places to go."

"Awesome. Do you think MLW will talk to him?"

"Who?"

"It’s a place I worked," I said as I began pumping Michael’s brain for details. "They mainly do shows in Orlando. Got weekly TV on the Sunshine Network and everything. Talk to Terry Funk about it; he works there too. Or at least, he did when I left. Maybe he retired."

We both laughed and continued the small talk as we waited for the elevator to begin again.

*****

- The SmarKDown! Rant for Jan. 15 / 04, Taped Jan. 13.

- From the Mohegan $un.

- Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

- Opening match, WWE Tag Team Titles: Team Japan v. Paul London and Nova. Tajiri and Nova start, as the announcers wonder what will happen at the Rumble if there’s a switch. That pretty much guarantees there won’t be, but let’s pretend. Nova gets karate rushed and sent flying out, but London stops the baseball slide. Ultimo in, and Nova gets a DDT and tags in London. Standing moonsault gets two. London gets a dragon screw (oh, the irony) and standing legbar, but Ultimo makes the ropes. Ultimo with a drop toe hold, and the two work a headlock into a pinfall reversal sequence. Nova breaks it up, and the two do a modified Poetry in Motion (Stinger splash instead of leg lariat) to Ultimo to make him mask-in-peril. Nova with a sort-of Fameasser for two. London with a Northern Lights suplex for two. Tajiri distracts the ref, allowing the challengers to get a combination Hart Attack / DDT that you really should see to understand. It gets two for London. Nova in, and a swinging neckbreaker gets two. London misses a crossbody, hot tag Tajiri. Everyone gets kicked in the mush. Tajiri goes up top and gets a spinkick as Mattitude wander to ringside. Ultimo dives out onto them, leaving Tajiri alone. Nova gets the Kryptonite Crunch, London gets the London Bridge, but Ultimo barely dives in to save. Asai DDT by Ultimo, but Shannon Moore distracts the ref as Matt Hardy climbs the ropes for a legdrop. Paul Heyman shoves him off as Nova uses the tag belts to reverse the pile for two. Tajiri pastes Moore with a superkick, so London hits a German on the floor on him. Nova up top, but Moore shoves him off and a huge brawl erupts at 11:54. Admittedly, a three-way dance at the Rumble would be awesome. Fun match up until the ending. ***3/4

- Undertaker runs into Stephanie backstage. They recap the last week, when Eddie Guerrero cheated to win. He demands a match with Eddie, but Rhyno interrupts and wants a rematch with Angle. Elegant but obvious solution: a tag match. We have a main event.

- Test v. Ron Simmons. Simmons pounds away to start, and a powerslam gets two. Test goes low to take over and starts pounding away in kind. They head outside, where Dawn Marie (remember her?) distracts the ref and Test WAFFLES Simmons with the ring bell. Good night! Back in, it gets two a few times. Test with the pumphandle slam and a tilt-awhirl for two. Simmons gets a shoulderblock to cue the comeback. Test sends Simmons into the corner, but the Testdrive is countered into a quasi-Stunner for two for Simmons. Dawn Marie distracts Simmons to allow Test to recover, but he runs into a Spinebuster for two. Blind charge lands straight into the Big Boot for the pin at 5:49. Fun little power match. **1/4

- Kurt Angle and Hulk Hogan discuss the main event at the Rumble backstage. Angle declares that the belt means everything to him, and Hogan shows respect for the title by saying it’s the same one he won all those times. Technically, he’s right. Angle then becomes incensed, wondering if Hogan thinks he can win it one more time. Hogan says if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be going for it. Angle then holds the belt tighter than ever, saying it is his verification in the WWE. He walks off, refusing to even let Hogan look at it. Hogan seems confused. Brilliant segment, as Angle’s heel turn is progressing nicely. And the bald head only adds to the Gollum-like character he’s developing.

- Handicap match: John Cena v. Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore. Wait, John found a partner...

- Handicapped match: John Cena and Zach Gowen v. Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore. Yeah, like you weren’t thinking the same thing. Cena punches down both Mattitude members and sends them to the outside, then tosses Gowen onto them. He follows as Moore throws Gowen into the STEEL post. Hardy and Cena brawl by the announcer’s table as Moore works over Gowen’s leg on the inside, making him the ultimate face-in-peril. And you thought Spike Dudley was good in that role. Hardy with a suplex and floatover for two. Mattitude gets the real Poetry in Motion (with Matt playing himself and Shannon playing Jeff), then point to the sky which gets a huge pop from the ladies in the audience. Sheesh, even in death he’s a chick magnet. Gowen flails away at Hardy, who calmly slams him down for two. Moore goes up top and gets a moonsault for two. Hardy with the legdrop for two. Miscommunication on a double team allows Gowen to escape, hot tag Cena. Throwback on Moore gets two. Top-rope fallaway slam (dubbed the "Remix" by Cole, so that’s what I’ll call it) gets two. Hardy breaks up the F-U, so Gowen sends him outside... where Nova and Paul London attack to get even for earlier that night. In the ring, Cena gets the F-U for real for the pin at 8:13. Hardy and Moore beat up Gowen for fun, but London and Nova save and we have a face turn. And a nice one, too. Team Japan enters to set up the a possible three-way next week, but Hardy motions to the back... and A-Train makes his less-than-anticipated return to beat up everyone. Zach jumps on his back to slow him down, and the faces eventually clean house until World's Greatest Tag Team run in and leave the faces laying. Match was a backdrop to set up the melee at the end, but if this is the 10-man next week to simulate the Rumble, I’m all for it. John who? **

- Winning Team Enters the Rumble: Goldust, Billy Kidman, and Rey Misterio v. Hardcore Holly and Los Maximos. Goldust and Holly brawl off to the back early in this one, which is good because they can’t keep up with the other guys anyway. AND WE’RE OFF! Jose and Kidman fly at each other with stereo forearms, which sends Jose back to the ropes where Rey 619s him. Joel drops him off the top rope to the floor, then climbs into the ring and dives on him. Jose follows, then tosses Rey in for two. What’s this near fall doing in my spotfest? Los Maximos deliver a double suplex, then Jose goes up top, only to get superplexed by Kidman. Rey with a rana on both Maximos in turn, then Kidman gets a facecrusher on Jose. Joel delivers a seated dropkick for Kidman, then Jose crossbodies Rey for two. Rey with an armdrag on Jose, but Joel javelins Rey into the post. Referee has no control over this one. Kidman German suplexes Jose, then Joel in turn. Double DDT by the Filthy Animals, then Joel gets the Hop-Up Rana for two. Jose hits the turnbuckle from a drop toehold, then Rey brings back the Bronco Buster to the back of Jose’s neck while Joel gets a gutwrench suplex on Kidman. Rey dropkicks Joel’s knee, allowing Kidman to go up top for a rana, caught by Joel and almost reversed to a powerbomb, except it’s Kidman. Rey gets a springboard legdrop for two. Jose gets a corkscrew moonsault on Kidman for two. Kidman hits the Unprettier, but Hardcore Holly returns and nails the Falcon Arrow for two as Rey saves. Holly tries his own powerbomb on Rey for two. Kidman dives off the top with a DDT on both Maximos, getting two on both at the same time. Holly has Rey set up for a low blow, but Goldust returns and low blows Holly, then gives him Shattered Dreams. Kidman pins Holly with the Shooting Star Press at 10:04. Now THAT’S insane. ***

- John Cena raps about Rhyno backstage, but Rhyno gores him.

- Brock Lesnar v. Rob Van Dam. Crowd is desperately trying to recover from the last match, so Brock slows it down with some matwork. RVD breaks out and kicks away, then hits a monkey flip off an Irish whip for two. Brock gets mad and clotheslines RVD down, then gets a 270 German for two. Dragon suplex gets two. RVD blocks an overhead suplex by landing on his feet, then moonsaults Brock (who is landing on his back, as per usual) and stomps away. RVD gets a REVERSE monkey flip out of the corner, then hits a camel clutch (!?). Brock picks him up on his back and drops him for two. That’s why Rob never does that. Brock continues the punishment by slugging Rob down, then gets a triple powerbomb for two. Rob gets the stepover enzuigiri to flatten Brock, but the fivestar hits the ref on the way down. Stupid ref. Brock FLATTENS RVD with a chairshot, then an F-5 finishes at 7:01. Match was all RVD bumping for Brock. **1/2

- Eddie Guerrero and Rhyno argue over who will win the Royal Rumble.

- Main event: Kurt Angle and Undertaker v. Eddie Guerrero and Rhyno. All four men slug it out to start, and Angle sidesteps a Gore attempt and snaps Rhyno’s neck on the ropes. Eddie pounds away at Taker, but Angle drags him off and beats on him in the corner. Eddie drops Angle’s neck on the bottom rope, and Rhyno straddles him for two. Rhyno with a throw suplex for two. Literally, he doesn’t drop, he just tosses Angle. Eddie in with a slingshot senton for two. La Majistral gets two. Rhyno with a powerbomb for two. Eddie and Rhyno go for a Spike Piledriver, but Angle wiggles out and the heels collide. Eddie cuts off the hot tag, and Rhyno uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS OF DOOM on Angle. Eddie gets the Gory Special 2000 for two. Rhyno and Eddie hit the POWERPLEX~! for two. Rhyno with a legdrop for two. Taker is getting antsy on the apron. Eddie goes for another Frog Splash, but Taker chokeslams him to the floor instead, then throws him back in for two. Angle with a desperation DDT on Rhyno, hot tag Taker. Rhyno gets slugged out into a dragon sleeper, but Eddie breaks. Taker with the chokeslam on Eddie, but Rhyno GORES Taker out for the win at 9:41. Not bad. **1/2 Angle and Taker argue in the ring as Rhyno smiles an evil grin and Eddie yells Viva Guerrero and stuff.

The Bottom Line:

Solid wrestling all up and down the card. The Angle heel turn is progressing quite nicely, and even if it means another month of Angle/Hogan, it’s worth seeing the transformation. I don’t know why Goldust was in the six-man except to get him in the Rumble, and that ten-man next week is going to be a cluster and everyone knows it, but at least I’ll enjoy the Rumble preview stuff.

Until next week, BUY THE BOOK!

*****

Saturday, January 17, 2004, 08:44 PM

Madison, WI

Motorhead’s Evolution theme played as the crowd exploded in a round of boos. We emerged from the back, arrogant and proud, with Eric Bischoff leading the way. Lillian Garcia announced the elimination rules, 4 on 4 match, which meant Bischoff himself would be a part of it. He didn’t seem too worried, as all of us went through our entrance, then looked to the ramp so that our opponents couldn’t surprise us.

The bombs whistled through the air as the fireworks headed to the stage. Bubba Ray and D-Von, carrying the usual assortment of weaponry, headed to the ring. They set the table up just outside the ring, then waited, choosing not to enter to face us. As they waited, Motorhead struck up again. This time, though it was for HHH, who got a huge ovation upon his entrance. As he took his time, I was able to think about this match.

Wow. Here I am, main eventing a house show in Wisconsin. I’m Michael Shane. I’m a young young man with a long future ahead of me, and already I’m a WWE main eventer -- at least around here. I’m in a red-hot stable, and with some awesome tag team partners. We are the future of the industry. I guess the next few weeks will determine if our future is now. Although, knowing that guy across the ring from us, we’ll have to wait a year or so.

We all waited for the last bit of music to start. When none was apparent, HHH took the mic. "Hey, what gives, Eric? I thought this was 4 on 4."

"Oh, yeah... that reminds me. You know, I really should’ve told you this earlier. You see, we were having a little trouble finding someone for you with everyone so goshdarn focused on the Rumble. So, really, the 4 on 4 match will only remain that way for another 30 seconds. If no one claims that last spot in 30 seconds, it’s 4 on 3. Good luck, Hunter."

"You know damn well, I can’t find anyone in 30 seconds!"

"Too bad." Eric grinned ear to ear as he crossed his arms. On the scoreboard, 30 seconds counted down. HHH fumed as he looked on desperately in the back. 15 seconds. The Dudleyz shrugged their shoulders, then took their place on the ring apron. 10 seconds. HHH thought of charging Evolution on his own, but I stepped up to meet him. 5 seconds. Eric laughed into the microphone. 1 second...

"STAND BACK! THERE’S A HURRICANE COMING THROUGH!"

Eric Bischoff gulped. The crowd cheered. Hurricane, who had previously teamed with the Dudleys to gain entry into the Royal Rumble, strode down the entranceway and headed to the ring. As he posed on the turnbuckle, I climbed up after him and tried for a back superplex. Hurricane landed on his head, but as I got up, HHH kicked me in the gut and prepped for the Pedigree. Thankfully, I was saved when Orton dove in off the top and tackled Hunter. I quickly tagged out to Batista as Orton was being escorted away.

Batista clubbed the back of HHH as the Dudleyz and the Hurricane watched. He taunted HHH, then tagged Orton in. The duo did a variant of the Demolition Decapitation on HHH, but D-Von broke at two. HHH fought back with a kneesmash on Orton, then brought in Hurricane. HHH climbed to the second rope as Hurricane got on his shoulders. Orton staggered to his feet, and Hurricane dove off with a crossbody, nearly getting three before Orton kicked out.

Bubba Ray Dudley tagged himself in and pounded away on Orton in the opposing team’s corner. He then threw Orton into our corner, following with an avalanche before we could tag in to replace him. Bubba added a shot to me, whispering "c’mon in" as he did so. I entered, and as the referee argued with me, D-Von climbed the top rope. How the ref couldn’t hear the crowd screaming -- or Orton, for that matter -- is beyond me, but it was about to be table time.

D-Von headed to the outside and slid the table into the ring. As he did so, however, Earl Hebner cut him off, trying to slide the table away. Batista used the distraction to powerbomb Bubba Ray, and Orton climbed on top. Hebner turned around and counted the pin, eliminating Bubba Ray. As Orton stood back up, though, Hurricane hit the Shining Wizard on him. D-Von then entered the ring, and D-Von and Hurricane did 3D on Orton. Hurricane covered, and Orton was gone, too. Three on three now, and it was my turn to enter.

I attacked Hurricane right off the bat, tossing him corner to corner. I charged in, hitting him with a dropkick as I did so. Hurricane fell to the ground, and I slapped on a front facelock, pulling him to his feet. I suplexed him, then headed up top. Unfortunately, HHH shook the ropes, and I took the cue and landed seat-first on the turnbuckle, yelling as I did so. Hurricane went up to the top rope and hooked my arm, preparing for a superplex. I went with the momentum and flipped over, landing on my back and screaming in pain.

Hurricane held his arm out, signalling for a chokeslam. Unfortunately, Bischoff clotheslined him from the apron, which caused Hurricane to stumble to his back. I waited for him to get up, then planted him with a superkick. I climbed back up to the top rope, and this time, I held my hands out to frame the shot just right. I dove off, hitting the Picture Perfect Elbow. The ref counted, and I got three. D-Von charged in, but I sidestepped him and he ran off the ropes. I superkicked him, then fell on top for another three. HHH was alone against three men.

He stood in his corner as I mocked his bad leg a few times. I then tagged out to big, bad Batista, who stood opposite HHH and waited. That turned out to be a mistake, as HHH speared him down and began punching away. Batista stood up soon after, but HHH connected with a kneelift. Batista staggered off the ropes, opening the way for a spinebuster. Batista was in serious trouble against the relatively fresh HHH, as Hunter ran through all his offense with the crowd getting louder. Finally, a Pedigree put him away. As the Pedigree landed, though, I ducked outside to get a chair. On the count of three, I was on the top rope, flying through the air.

CRACK! The sound of steel upon skull reverberated throughout the arena. I landed the chair shot right on Hunter’s nose, and he fell flat like a ton of bricks. Instantly, Hebner rang the bell, DQing me, but that didn’t matter. Hunter was easy pickings for Bischoff. I walked to the back after smiling an evil smile. Batista was slowly getting to his feet. I helped him to the back while watching the results in the ring.

Bischoff slowly stepped through the ropes and smiled. He stood at HHH’s head and acted like the Rock, even pretending to remove an elbow pad. He bounced off both sets of ropes, then did HHH’s pose before landing the elbowdrop. Unfortunately, all this did was wake HHH up. The slaughter was on.

*****

Sunday, January 18, 2004, 01:35 AM

Milwaukee, WI

I was busy watching the replay of Heat on the local satellite dish. On it, Rene Dupree had just beaten Tommy Dreamer with the help of his Resistance tag partner, Sylvain Grenier. Dreamer demanded a rematch just before the Royal Rumble, saying he would find a partner to take them both on. He dared La Res to get hardcore, and when they accepted, they called for a flagpole match -- basically making the flagpoles weapons. Dreamer gleefully accepted.

Shawn Michaels emerged from the bathroom, all ready for bed in his HBK boxer shorts. He hopped into the bed and turned off the lights. "Hey, Andy, had a fun week?"

"Fun as it could be under the circumstances," I said with a shrug.

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well, having you around all the time was kinda weird. And given how Hunter treated Alexis -- that just wasn’t cool."

"Is that still bothering you? Why?"

"Because I know how she felt, Shawn. I’ve known it for a month and I haven’t been able to tell anyone. It’s been really eating away at me, you know?"

"I see... I guess I should’ve asked for more detail when ya first told me."

"I’m not sure it would’ve done any good. But to see her make an example of Hunter like that... that was awesome."

"I don’t know if I’d call it awesome, but it sure was fun."

"Yeah... Shawn? How do we get through to Hunter? I mean, I was Hunter and I couldn’t really change him. He may be the biggest thing working against us right now."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, he’s got Vince’s ear. And he’s of this world -- demons like that, I figure, cuz humans are so much more prone to saying the wrong thing."

"Look, Andy -- I have Vince’s ear too. So does Paul. We’re doing everything we can right now. Trust me, if there’s a problem, you all will be the first to know. As it stands right now, I think we have Vince’s demon a little weaker personally. Like he just accepted giving Test time off after the Rumble."

I looked at him, mildly confused. "Why is that such a big deal?"

"He wanted the time off to get married. Vince wanted him on the road. Never mind that Hunter and Steph got all sorts of time away from the camera, mind you -- Vince needs to keep those midcarders in their place."

"That’s stupid."

"I know it is. But that’s Vince for ya. Thankfully, we all changed his mind. So, after his Heat match with Holly and the APA, he’s got the time to prepare for his wedding, then the honeymoon -- I think he’s not due back until WrestleMania."

"That’s really nice."

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, basically we told him he wouldn’t be missed cuz he’s barely a midcarder, and let’s face it, he could stand some time in OVW anyway. So, he’ll get a few weeks off, you know? It’ll all be in good fun, I’m sure. Anyway, we need to get to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow, Andy."

"No," I replied, "you won’t."

"Wha?" Shawn propped himself up on his left arm and looked at me. "What do you mean?"

"Well... I asked to go to SmackDown!."

"You... why?"

"I miss her."

"Ah, Lindsay. Well, I wish you the best of luck. You and she could probably stand some time together after so long away from each other. Besides, I’m sure Stefani can handle being with Owen or the new guy."

"I hope so... although I doubt I’ll care much."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "You people are all alike, even after death. Well, enjoy your life, man."

"Thanks."

*****

I dreamed. Oh, did I dream.

I stood at the RAW side of the Tunnel, ready to dash to the other end. As I walked faster and faster, I waited for a sign of someone to appear to take my place. Nothing. I stopped halfway to the other end. Still no one emerged. I began to get nervous. Was my wish granted? Where is Owen?

I saw a figure emerge from the other side. I couldn’t make anything out at first, but then I noticed it was a female figure. Is this the new person? What’s going on? I decided to sit and wait. Soon, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up.

"Lindsay!"

"Andy!"

We hugged and kissed for a few minutes. Soon, we both were too excited to breathe. "What are you doing here?" I finally asked.

"I... well, I have great news for you, Andy!"

"You do? So do I!" I prepared to tell her the great news, only to hear the same thing I said back from her, in unison:

"I’m coming over to see you!"

We both stopped. We spent a full minute just staring at each other, not sure what this turn of events meant. Finally, she spoke up. "Wait a minute... you... were sent over there... to... oh no. Oh no... Oh how did this happen? I screwed up. I so screwed up big time."

"Wh-- what do you mean, Lindsay? We’ll be together, right?"

Lindsay sat down, depressed. "No... no we won’t."

"Why? We both asked to be with each other, didn’t we?"

"I didn’t. At least, not in those words. I asked to be sent over to RAW."

"Yeah, and I asked to be sent over to..." Then it hit me. When I prayed, I may have intended that I spend time with Lindsay, but somehow my request hadn’t been specific enough. Neither had hers. Rather than ask to be with her, I asked to be on the other show. When we both did this, we were swapped for each other. "Dammit." I sat down and buried my head in my hands. "I can’t believe this."

Lindsay began to laugh. "If only one of us hadn’t been so eager... maybe Owen would be here, trading places."

I chuckled as well. "Or Stefani."

"Yeah," she said. "How could we have let this happen? Oh, man... God works in mysterious ways, doesn’t he?"

"He sure does." Our laughter kept us from crying all over again. "So... Lindsay... now what? We’re... we’re stuck without each other again. What’s going to happen?"

"I don’t know... maybe we will spend time together soon. Maybe we won’t... it’s not up to me to say. I’m just sorry it happened this way."

"Yeah... me too." A tear came to my eye. "I’m gonna miss you, Lindsay."

"I’ll miss you too. More than ever. Maybe some day we’ll be re-united... if not here, then in Heaven. Andy, I love you. I don’t want to be apart ever again."

"Me neither." We kissed again. I slowly got to my feet. "I’m sorry, Lindsay. I let you down. I guess... I guess this is goodbye again."

"Yeah..." her eyes glistened from the tears forming. "I’ll see you when I can, Andy. I hope we shall come together and never part soon."

"Me too. I love you, Lindsay... goodbye."

"Goodbye." She got up and slowly, dejectedly, began the long walk to the RAW side of our dream chamber. I turned around and shuffled my feet as I headed to SmackDown!. I got my wish -- and yet, I regretted it.

*****

Monday, January 19, 2004, 07:44 AM

Duluth, MN

The radio blasted with some 80s synth rock. I slowly rolled over to my side and hit the snooze button. I looked around. I was alone in the room -- in fact, my room was a single. Hey, I’m a big shot today!

I stared at the medallion next to my glasses. It showed a tiny crucifix dangling from a chain. Seeing it brought back memories of my first Communion and how I wore something like on that day. I looked around some more. A tiny teddy bear sat in the corner of the room, with a yellow jersey on which lettering once stood. A blinking red light by the phone got my attention. I pressed a button and heard the messages.

"Hey, it’s Zach. Just wanted to let you know it’s a done deal. I got Jamie at the Rumble for the Cruiserweight title shot. Thanks for sticking up for me, man. I knew I could count on you. See ya tonight. Bye."

I smiled. The guy’s gonna be on the big show. Good for him. I rolled out of bed and slowly got to my feet. Years of wear and tear seemed to scorch through my system as I stood up. I looked towards the large mirror opposite the bed, and all was explained.

I had years of wear and tear. I had ages of experience. And this week, I could be a champion, or just another old man. I was going Hollywood. I was Hulk Hogan.

[arwrestling]

Sorry, Dukes. Are you finished writing teh stuff yet and waiting to post it on the site or are you still writing it?

[The Third Dukes]

As every day passes, the need for guardian angels to possess WWE superstars grows, doesn't it?

And on that note, let's see some TV.

*****

Chapter 77

The Seeds Sown

Tuesday, January 20, 2004, 10:45 AM

St. Paul, MN

I slowly walked down and took my seat in the front of the auditorium. As I waited for the RAW showing to begin from the previous night, my thoughts drifted back to the house show we had run in Duluth at the same time. The main event was a face Kurt Angle against a heel Eddie Guerrero. The one thing I remembered more than any other was that the crowd seemed ready to cheer Eddie and boo Angle. When I came out to save Eddie after the match and start a three-way brawl, the crowd was cheering for all three of us. Chants of "Eddie", "Angle", and "Hogan" rang through the arena.

That was a weird reaction. I know what the plans are for the Rumble, but how well will they be received? With all the Philadelphia fans, can I even get them on my side to begin with? It all depends on them, whether this works out or not. One thing I do know is that the second part will take care of itself as long as the first part works out. But that first part...

As I thought, Kurt Angle sat down next to me. "You ready for tonight, Hulk?"

"Yeah, brother... just gotta work a few kinks out of my talk, dude. After what happened last night, I’m not sure how we’re gonna be able to play this off."

"Hogan... don’t get so worried. You’re Hollywood Hulk Hogan. You’re the biggest star of all time, you know. If we can’t make this thing work around you, it’ll never work. So don’t worry. Tonight’s going to be awesome."

"It’s not just tonight, though, Kurt brother. It’s the Rumble itself. Philadelphia fans are not big Hulkamaniacs, and really, I don’t think they have been. I just gotta hope we can get it together, bro."

"Hulk... I was in the ECW Arena a few times in my life. It doesn’t hold more than a couple thousand. There will be 20,000 in the Spectrum. We have nothing to worry about. They’ll do the right thing."

"You sure, little man?"

"I’m sure, big guy."

"Well, I hope you’re right."

Stephanie then yelled to get our attention. "Okay, guys, this is their last chance to impress before the Royal Rumble. I expect everyone to be thinking of ways to do better -- especially those of you in the 10-man tonight. Paul, you got everything ready?"

"I sure do," said Paul, who winked at Stephanie.

"All right, then... let’s show the footage. Remember, this is what we have to beat."

*****

- The SmarK RAW Rant for Jan. 19 / 04.

- Live from Green Bay, WI.

- Your hosts are Jim Ross and Diamond Dallas Page.

- RNN opens things up. Randy Orton brags about kicking HHH out of Evolution last week, then preps the "OrTron 2700" with footage of the IC title feud. For the record, if you don’t know exactly why HHH turned face, you might as well hand in your smart card right now. Either that or you’re ten times the optimist I am. Orton welcomes Chavo Guerrero, who enters to a great ovation. Chavo promises that Christian will run out of places to run at the Rumble. He may be a hit-and-run artist, but that won’t fly in Philadelphia. Orton questions whether Chavo is trying to outdo Uncle Eddie, and before Chavo can address that, Christian emerges. Christian hits the Unprettier onto the belt on Chavo, then yells at him about being a wannabe. Christian says that on Sunday, he will prove he’s no longer a sidekick, and that he can own the spotlight too. Awesome bit.

- Backstage, Ivory is polishing her belt when Alexis Laree emerges. They argue about the match, but Ivory crosses the line calling her a "two-bit wh--" WHACK! Laree knocks down Ivory, and rightly so. What lout wrote THAT into the script? Are they trying to make Philly hate them? Ivory wins the catfight and walks off.

- Christopher Nowinski and Rodney Mack vs. Tommy Dreamer (subbing for the "injured" Rob Conway) and Maven. Winners get an invite to the Rumble match, which would bring us to 26 guys. Mack and Maven start, and the haterizing begins immediately. Maven with a dropkick for two, followed by a suplex. Nowinski uses the FACIAL APPLIANCE OF DOOM as a cheapshot. Mack with a cobra clutch slam for two. Nowinski in, and a belly-to-belly gets two. Football tackle gets two. Mack returns, but the Blackout is broken up by Dreamer. Nowinski tries a clothesline, spear by Maven, hot tag Dreamer. Punching abounds. Dreamer takes a groin to the post, as per his contract, and Nowinski gets a Double Arm DDT for two. Mack up top, but Maven shoves him off into a Dreamer rollup for two. And now La Resistance make their presence felt, cracking Maven with the French flag for the Mack pin at 5:53. Entertaining crap. ** La Res then destroy Maven, who does the stretcher job. The announcers wonder who Dreamer will pick now as his partner for the Rumble.

- Kane wanders backstage, and bumps into Chris Benoit. They jaw about the World Title match on Sunday. Less talk, more asskicking for Benoit, dammit! How hard is this to understand? Anyway, Benoit promises that Kane’s arm will be broken at the Rumble. Kane counters by saying that he burned Benoit, but now he’ll destroy Benoit. Good segment, despite the bad talkers involved.

- Big Show v. Kevin Nash. Well, they can’t all be winners. Nash does stuff, Show does stuff, Chokeslam finishes at 3:08. If you’ve seen one Nash/Giant match, you’ve seen this one. 1/4*

- Royal Rumble rundown:

World Title match: Kane v. Chris Benoit

I-C Title match: Christian v. Chavo Guerrero

Women’s Title match: Ivory v. Alexis Laree

Royal Rumble Entrants, RAW side: HHH, Shawn Michaels, Booker T, Michael Shane, Batista, Randy Orton, Konnan, Road Dogg, Ron Killings, Hurricane, Bubba Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Christopher Nowinski, Rodney Mack, TBA

- Christian/Chavo ought to be an awesome match if given the time, and Kane/Benoit will not suck. The Women’s match is a throwaway, of course, while the Rumble is the Rumble -- even when it’s bad, it’s good.

- Intercontinental Title: Christian v. Hurricane. Now, wouldn’t it be something if Hurricane won this and caused everything to be screwed up? Huge-ass brawl to start, as both men tour ringside and meet the STEEL steps. Christian gets sent into the Spanish announce table, and Hurricane dons the CAPE OF DOOM and dives onto him -- NOT breaking the table. Ouch. Back in, Hurricane chops away and gets a rana for two. Christian goes low to stop it as we take a break. We come back with Christian continuing the offensive with a DDT for two. Diamond Dust gets two. Christian hits the Rear Naked Stretch for two. STF by Christian (!), but Hurricane makes the ropes. Christian uses Eye of the Hurricane for two. Unprettier, but Hurricane shoves off and hits Shining Wizard on the rebound. Kneelift gets two. Superplex leads to a Double KO. Christian rolls over for two. Christian jumps over the top rope, slamming Hurricane’s neck into it, then climbs back in with a flying elbowdrop for two. Flying clothesline is ducked, Sugar Smack gets two. Chokeslam attempt is broken up by Christian, who rolls Hurricane up for two. Hurricane and Christian collide in mid-air for another Double KO. Hurricane rolls over for two this time. Hurricane tries a suplex, but Christian reverses and we get a pinfall reversal sequence. Christian pops out of it and hits a facecrusher on Hurricane. Unprettier finally finishes at 14:51. Tougher than expected outing that got Hurricane insanely over. ****1/4 Chavo Guerrero emerges and chases Christian away, then raises Hurricane’s hand. Time to bust Hurricane out of the midcard maybe?

- Molly Holly is talking to Terri and Trish backstage, which is always dangerous. Trish mentions that it’s a man’s world out there, and maybe Molly should stick to getting the Women’s title. Molly gets indignant, but before sparks can fly (darn), Terri casually mentions that the Rumble isn’t complete yet. Molly gets a fire in her eyes and cuts her best promo yet, saying that she’s tired of women being seen as lesser. She wants to prove you don’t have to be a musclebound freak to get respect. Jazz or Chyna, you decide. She declares she’ll take the last spot in the Rumble, and she’ll win it for all the women out there. I don’t know if they will buy this, but more power to them.

- Alleged Main Event: Evolution and La Resistance v. Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Molly Holly, and Dudley Boyz. This would be the mandatory lead-in to the Rumble, I guess. A huge brawl triggers HHH’s entrance. Shane beats on his uncle as Orton and Batista battle the Dudleyz. HHH manhandles both Frenchmen single-handedly, but gets blasted by Orton with a clothesline. Molly dives onto Batista, but Shane superkicks Molly. Dupree has Michaels in a figure-four as Grenier stomps at him, but D-Von breaks and preps Grenier for 3D. Batista spears Bubba before the move can hit, but Molly completes it anyway. Dupree grabs Molly and kisses her (poor Molly), so Molly latches the TESTICULAR CLAW~!. Orton tosses Molly over the top, but HBK superkicks Orton. FINALLY the match starts to resemble a tag match as Batista slams HBK and everyone else clears. Batista clubs down HBK, then brings Dupree in for a double spinebuster. Prancing kneedrop gets two. Grenier in with punches and a DDT for two. Orton hits Play of the Day for two. HBK escapes the RKO, but Batista distracts the ref and the tag to D-Von is false. The tag champs use the opportunity to give HBK 3D. Orton covers for two. Shane hits a sort-of Fameasser on HBK, then a neckbreaker. Molly protests, so Grenier tries to come in, but the ref catches that and all hell breaks loose again. Dudleyz get the Wazzup on Dupree (BALLS OF STEEL~!), but D-Von tablefishing is interrupted by Batista, who powerbombs him on the floor as we take a break. We return with Grenier holding the chinlock on HBK as replays show La Crepe getting two. Batista hits the SITOUT POWERBOMB OF DEATH, but HHH saves. Shane frames the elbow, but misses. Dupree in, and he BARELY cuts off the tag. HBK is taking an utter shitkicking here. I love it. La Resistance with a double suplex and double elbowdrop for two. Grenier gets a clothesline and backbreaker for two. Orton with a figure-four for the hell of it, but Shawn kicks him off. Shane dives in with a crossbody (illegal switch) for two. Grenier returns, but Shawn backdrops out of piledriver attempt and FINALLY it’s the hot tag to HHH. Frenchmen go flying left and right, and Shane takes his version of the Holy Shit bump. Orton cuts off a Pedigree attempt on Shane, and EVERYBODY INTO THE POOL as it’s total BONZO GONZO! Molly gets the Molly- Go-Round on Shane, but Batista tries a powerbomb, only for D-Von to clip and get Molly a cover for two. HHH Pedigrees Grenier, then Dupree, but Orton saves both times. Molly goes for a DDT on Shane, but Orton runs in from behind and RKOs Molly to get the pin at 27:04. Not as good as other 10-man tags, but Shawn bumping for 50 is always fun. **1/4 The brawl continues after the match, with Eric Bischoff walking down to observe. HBK has issues with him, allowing Shane and Batista to GROIN him into the post. Sweet Shane Music knocks him down, but HHH spears him post-nip up. Miscommunication leads to D-Von and HHH coming to blows, and everybody runs in for the Rumble Preview moment. Booker T stands tall at the end.

The Bottom Line:

Typical pre-Rumble show, with a huge main event emphasizing how chaotic the Rumble can be. Christian/Hurricane is worth the price of admission by itself, of course, but Show/Nash was a waste of time. Rumor has it Nash is going to be put out to pasture soon, and that can only be a good thing. HHH as a face, however, worries me.

Still, LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE! Where’s Michael Buffer when ya need him?

*****

09:48 PM

Minneapolis, MN

Kurt walked out from behind the curtain, carrying the WWE Title belt with him as I watched on the monitor backstage. Jim Ross was ready to give the orders as to when to come out. The crowd began chanting "You Suck" at Angle -- hmmm, it sounds almost malicious now -- as he took the mic, his WWE Title almost Velcroed to his shoulder.

"In just three days, I prepare to face the legendary Hulk Hogan at the Royal Rumble. Hulk Hogan, you have a historical presence here in the WWE. Everyone agrees that you were the pioneer of sports entertainment. But Hogan, why do you think you can still hang with the big boys? Look at you -- you’re 110 years old now! Do you honestly believe you’re still a star? Do you honestly imagine you can carry the load of a WWE Champion? Well, I’ll admit -- maybe you can. You’ve done a lot in your career, and it seems you’re only getting better. But you know something -- you don’t have the desire that I do. Oh, it’s true. It’s true.

You see, Hogan, I live, breathe, eat, and sleep the WWE. This title never leaves my side. It is my family -- my life. I take this thing everywhere I go -- you can ask the other talent! I shower with this thing, I go to restaurants with this thing, I do everything. Why? Because I believe in my craft. Hulk Hogan, when Hollywood came calling, and they wanted you to make movies, you jumped at it. The title was a passport to you -- a means to an end. Hogan, this is my end. This is what I live for. My medals and my belt are the most precious things I own. They define me. And on Sunday, you will see what happens when you try to take a man’s existence from him. It won’t be pretty."

"Voodoo Child" struck up. The crowd went crazy as I got the cue from JR. I walked out of the back, slowly heading to the ring. I played some air guitar on the way, then approached the steps in time with Jimi Hendrix, chopping that mountain down with the edge of my hand. I stepped through the ropes, then took a second microphone from Tony Chimel. We stared down as flashbulbs went off. I spoke.

"You know something, Angle..."

I stopped. A "Hogan" chant permeated the arena. An idea entered my mind. As much as I wanted to do a Hogan promo -- as much as I wanted to show off my impression, crafted through years of being a Hulkamaniac -- I decided this wasn’t the time or the place. This is about the WWE Title. I have to be more serious.

"Nah... Angle, I’m not gonna treat you like any other man. I’m gonna lay it out straight. And the straight story is this, dude. What you have right now is what I want. When it comes to being a champion, you know a lot -- I won’t deny it. But when it comes to leading the industry, being a hero, and having millions of sports entertainment fanatics hanging on your every action, you don’t know half of what ol’ Hulk Hogan knows. You wanna know how I got to be here at my age? You wanna know how come I’m the oldest man to successfully defend a WWE Title? I’ll tell ya, Angle. It’s simple. It comes from 25 years in the business, dude. It comes from living, breathing, and exuding professional wrestling. And you see, Angle, you don’t get to the top like me, then go down easy."

"Hogan... you don’t understand, do you? This isn’t about the title for me. Maybe it is for you -- maybe you and all the Hulkamaniacs out there would love to see that 13th World Title reign. But for me, Hogan, it’s about pride. It’s about my life. Weren’t you listening, Hogan? Don’t you get it? This title is what makes me a superstar. It’s what validates me. It’s what completes me. It is... my... life! And I will fight for it with every ounce I have. I would rather die right here In This Very Ring than have my shoulders to the mat for 3 seconds or be forced to tap out. It’s that simple, Hogan."

Duelling chants rang throughout the arena. We both looked around. I felt goosebumps running all over my body. Chills ran through my 50-year-old spine. I felt like a man reborn. I slowly lifted the mic to my mouth.

"Angle... you’re a fighter. I understand that. I respect that. But right now, brother... you have what I want. You have what everyone in the back wants. Everyone is hoping -- praying -- that I’m the man to take it from you, dude. When the time comes, this Sunday - - well, I’ll admit, you may have your fans in Philadelphia, since it’s your home state. But everywhere I go, I will have my Hulkamaniacs. And what they want more than anything else is one last run at the top for ol’ Hollywood Hulk Hogan."

The crowd cheered. I looked around. "Hogan" chants drowned out anything else. Then, suddenly, an "Angle" chant started. Angle slapped my forearm to get my attention. I turned and looked at him.

"In that case, they should prepare to be disappointed. You see, Hogan, you were the best at one time. But your time has past. Your time is ancient history to these fans. Half of them weren’t born when you debuted. 70% of them weren’t WWE fans when you first left ten years ago. Almost all of them don’t remember when you won the WWE Title last. The person you beat for that first title reign -- he was last seen fighting the Gobbledygooker. You are a legend, sure, Hogan. But you’re also a fossil -- a relic of another time. So Hogan, at the Royal Rumble, you will see your legacy wrapped up with a red, white, and blue bow on top. I will defeat you. I can’t destroy Hulkamania... but I can keep my WWE Title. It’s true. It’s damn true."

We stared each other down for a full minute as the crowd continued chanting. Slowly, I raised the microphone again. "Just keep believing it, Angle. But ask youself, whatcha gonna do, Angle... when Hulkamania -- when the Immortal -- when the ageless wonder -- runs wild all over your red, white, and blue candy ass?"

I turned to leave, but Angle grabbed my free hand. I turned to face him. He had the microphone to his mouth. "How about this?" He pulled me in and lifted me for an Angle Slam. "Medal" played as the crowd went berserk with pictures and cheers. "You Suck" rang through the ears of everyone in the back as the credits rolled.

After the credits, I slowly got up. I looked around and picked up the microphone. "Well, now that that jabroni Kurt Angle is gone, how would you like a little Hulkamania to run wild right here in Minneapolis, Minnesota?"

The crowd cheered. I shrugged and began the posing. After five minutes, I left the ring and walked to the back as Tony Chimel thanked everyone for coming. The locker room greeted me and Angle backstage with applause. I smiled. This is gonna be one hell of a main event, isn’t it?

[The Third Dukes]

Okay, so I've finally been talked into reposting some more BVS. Happy now?

So, yeah, this is the pre-show to the Royal Rumble, as well as a scene you never thought you'd see -- Hulk Hogan touring the ECW Arena. I want you to think about how the crowd would react. I'm 100% certain it would be ugly. Let's just put it that way.

Also, we have the Heat that aired prior to the Rumble, with a special focus on the two main events -- Angle/Hogan and Kane/Benoit. If those matches sound like they'd draw, whew. If Noble/Gowen sounds like a stupid match for the Philly crowd, now you understand why booking is the weakest of my suits (booking, match architecture, character development, etc.). I honestly don't know why I chose that.

The conversation between Hogan and RVD sort of highlights how much Hogan means to wrestling. Say what you will about him -- and it's been said -- but at the end of the day, Hogan's done more good for wrestling than bad. Everyone owes a debt to him at some level. Even Rob.

The two Heat matches were advertised as tag matches: APA vs Holly and Test was one. The other was La Res vs Dreamer and a mystery partner. Probably the best choice I could make for a mystery partner at the time, too. Although the match had a strange finish. So yeah.

You will notice that in the Hogan promo, he says that he slammed Earthquake through a table. Not quite true; he tried, but the table didn't break. Hogan, of course, remembers it differently, because he's Hogan.

*****

Chapter 78

One Last Stop on the Road

Friday, January 23, 2004, 04:11 PM

Philadelphia, PA

Rob Van Dam was leading a group of through some back streets in Philadelphia to a street corner where a five-and-ten-cent store stood. I looked around at the inner city and pulled my jacket closer to my body. This place seemed unwelcoming for someone like me, and doubly so for someone like Hogan.

"And over here," said Rob, trying his best to be a tour guide, "is the general store where most of our fans would stop by before the matches began. I’m tellin ya, there’d be a whole line of people halfway down Rittner Street. All of them would wanna get their hands on cheap pots and pans, cookie sheets, wooden pallets -- just about anything the store sold. They did great business when we came through."

He led us over to the opposite corner across the street. A car honked at us as it went by. We all turned around and looked. A man leaned out of the car and yelled, "RVD!!!" The car drove on as Edge and I looked towards Rob.

"Fans," he said with a half-shrug. "They never forget. Anyway, through these doors here is the place I made history. It’s the place a short bald guy who was nothing more than a WCW manager struck a goldmine. It’s where guys like Raven and Tommy Dreamer became icons. Gentlemen," he said, opening the door, "welcome to the ECW Arena.

Oh, well, it’s not the ECW Arena anymore, since ECW is out of business. It’s called the Viking Hall, and it’s where the Combat Zone guys tried to be our successor. It’s hard to run a promotion out of this building and be a big-time player at the same time, just because of the money involved. And... well, as you can see, it’s a small place -- I’ve seen high school gyms bigger than this, to be honest. But it was my home for... oh, about 7 years, so it’s cool."

I looked around. It certainly was a small place -- I couldn’t imagine it seating more than 2500, and then only if it broke several fire codes. I tried to imagine the ring and rampway for a WWE show in here, but I had no such luck -- the entrance couldn’t fit under the ceiling. Kurt and Edge looked around in wonder.

"Wow," said Edge, "this place is almost... it IS a high school gym. I bet I could sell this out by myself."

"Nah," said RVD. "It wouldn’t be that easy. You see, the people who go to this place have special tastes. They like their wrestling a little more like pit fighting, I guess I’d say. Y’know, they talk about being where all the Radicals started their career, but honestly? They were just wrestlers -- they didn’t draw here either. Raven and Dreamer and Terry Funk and Cactus Jack -- those were the stars, and they were brawlers."

I absorbed the atmosphere, and as I did, a second image came to mind -- not of the WWE in the Arena, but of the old ECW boys being there. I saw the 2000 people almost literally hanging from the rafters as people like Raven and Stevie Richards stood in the ring. I imagined Tommy Dreamer walking down the aisle, holding a Singapore cane up high as the crowd chanted for him to fuck Raven up. I imagined a wild, bloody match spilling into the crowds. I looked up at a crow’s nest and saw the two of them hanging by their fingertips to the railing.

"Um, Hogan?" Rob got my attention. "Something on your mind right now?"

"Well, yeah, brother. I was just imagining what kind of show and what kind of crowd you dudes would have here, man. Just thinking about the atmosphere, brother... it’s the kind of place I look forward to, brother, only on a smaller scale. It must have been special."

"Yeah... it’s was a wild time, man. They love the people who give their heart and soul every night. They would cheer and chant and... man, you just fed off their energy. It was like... like a high you could never duplicate. Not that I’d know, of course, but it was awesome."

"Yeah... too bad I’ll never see that here, man. I mean, even if we were in the Hall, dude, you know I’d be the heel here. I’m everything these guys hate, brother."

"Well... does that bother you?"

"I dunno... I kinda hoped I’d be a star, brother. A universally loved figure. I mean, I had that, dude. I would like it back."

Rob looked me in the eyes and smiled. "Hulk, it’s real simple. You are wrestling. You made it a viable career. When it’s your turn to ride off into the sunset for good -- I’m tellin ya, man, they’ll retire your jersey. And yeah, these guys think it’s cool to hate you, but they’ll miss having you to kick around. I guarantee ya, every guy who’s ever gotten into wrestling owes you. I know I do -- even if I’ve never fought your style."

"Serious? I mean, what do you owe me, RVDude? You aren’t anything like me. You made your way here doing everything the opposite of what I did. You rode the wave rather than stirring the pot. You... you took it as an exercise rather than a job. Why do you owe me?"

Rob smiled again. "Hey, I may only be Rob Van Dam, but I wouldn’t be pulling down millions if you hadn’t come around. I’d still be here, or in another gym somewhere, and working three other jobs just to make ends meet. Now I get to tour the world. You know, I didn’t tell ya, but... Survivor Series was a career highlight for me, man."

"Whaddya mean, dude?"

"Well... I can tell my kids I teamed up with the biggest name in professional wrestling history. I dunno if you’ll be known that far down the road -- I’m sure I won’t -- but... that’s history, man. I’ve worked with Austin, with the Rock, with Angle here -- but I got to be with Hogan. That’s history."

"Thanks, man... it’s just so weird. Can you imagine if the WWE did this place?" RVD shook his head. "Nah... it’s best just to let it be. The times were fun, but... the future is where it’s at, man. Maybe someone else will start up a fed here and make money. But today isn’t the day."

*****

Sunday, January 25, 2004

07:00 PM

As the show opens, we see Jonathan Coachman and Josh Matthews sitting in the press box, with the Royal Rumble logo behind them. Matthews opens the discussion.

"Welcome everyone to a special Royal Rumble Edition of Sunday Night Heat. I’m Josh Matthews and with me is the Coach, Jonathan Coachman. Coach, it’s time once again for us to meet; it’s been the third time we’ve had the honor of working the pre-game show together, and this show might be another memorable one."

"I certainly hope so, Josh, and certainly, tonight’s Royal Rumble, exclusive on pay-perview in one hour, looks to be a dramatic show. We have a full card from top to bottom, featuring of course the fastest 60 minutes in sports entertainment in the Rumble match itself as well as six titles to be decided tonight."

"That’s right, Coach, and here on Heat we have two exciting tag team matches scheduled. First, from SmackDown, it’s the APA squaring off against Dawn Marie’s hand-picked duo of Hardcore Holly and Test. Dawn has been a thorn in the APA’s side for some time, and this is the latest in their rivalry."

"Also, from the RAW side, we have La Resistance going into a flagpole match against Philadelphia’s golden boy, Tommy Dreamer, and a partner of his choosing -- so far no one knows who that’s going to be!"

"All that comes later, but first, we want to show you highlights of what went down this week on RAW and SmackDown!"

A series of highlights is shown from RAW. The beating on Shawn is shown with everyone passing him off, up to the hot tag to HHH. A huge melee breaks out and ends with Randy Orton hitting the RKO on Molly Holly for the pin. During the aftermath, Michaels chases Eric Bischoff, but Evolution beats him down. HHH and the Dudleys make the save, but get into a brawl and 20 or so people run in to start the chaos. Booker T gets a Spinaroonie and clotheslines HHH over the top rope to finish the chaos.

The clips go to SmackDown!, and show a ten-man tag featuring Zach Gowen, Paul London, Nova, and Team Japan against World’s Greatest Tag Team, A-Train, and Team Mattitude. Gowen gets hit several times, but tags in Nova, who kicks away at all five heels. All ten men enter the ring and toss everyone out until it’s Moore and Tajiri. Hardy sneaks in and hits a reverse Twist of Fate on Tajiri, and Moore sneaks the pin. Ultimo dives off onto all ten guys, then brawls off with Hardy and Moore as Tajiri smokes ATrain with a buzzsaw kick. We go back to Josh.

"Well, as you can see from those two matches, when you get a lot of people in the ring, it can be a bizarre and enlightening experience."

"Enlightening? In what way, Josh?"

"Well, Coach, if that’s a preview of what could happen when the Rumble begins, you know you’re in for a wild ride. Remember this -- you don’t have to beat a man into oblivion or into submission to get the win."

"That’s right -- all you have to do is throw him over the top and have both feet touch the floor and that person is eliminated."

"Exactly, but the thing that makes the Rumble so interesting is that it’s the luck of the draw. Whoever draws the higher numbers -- the 21-30 -- is definitely poised to have a huge advantage over the first ten guys to come out, because those guys will likely be eliminated before you hit the ring."

"But remember, Josh -- there’s been a winner at each position in #1-5, and no one has won after drawing #30."

"That’s a good point, but it may be something that will happen eventually. It’s like waiting for five o’clock -- it will happen, but it’s gonna take a while."

"It might just sneak up on us."

"You’re right. By the way, you may have noticed in the SmackDown video package the fight between Team Japan -- Ultimo Dragon and Tajiri -- and Team Mattitude -- Matt Hardy Version 1 and Shannon Moore. Tonight, those two teams are going to square off for the WWE Tag Team Championships, and with Paul Heyman calling the shots for the champs at ringside, they seem to be overwhelming favorites."

"But don’t forget -- Matt Hardy may have struck an alliance with the A-Train last week during the ten-man tag, and if the 6’8 behemoth interjects himself in this match, we could see a title change."

"It’ll be interesting to see if Mattitude can be the first team to defeat Ultimo Dragon and Tajiri in straight-up 2 on 2 action."

"When we come back, Coach, we’ll take a look at the two Heavyweight Championship fights as Kurt Angle faces Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Chris Benoit gets a rematch with the maniacal Kane."

"In addition, we’ll have our tag team matches as the APA face Hardcore Holly and Test and Tommy Dreamer faces La Resistance, but who will his tag team partner be?"

*****

07:17 PM

The WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2’s YJ Stinger: from SmackDown! on December 11, Hulk Hogan chokeslams and legdrops Eddie Guerrero to earn a title shot at the Royal Rumble against Kurt Angle.

Matthews and Coachman are shown in the studio. "Tonight, Coach, we get to see the WWE Title on the line as the ageless Hollywood Hulk Hogan goes for his thirteenth world championship against a current six-time champion in Kurt Angle."

"That’s right, and both men appear to be more pumped up than ever before, though you have to wonder what is going through Kurt Angle’s mind. He’s almost obsessed with remaining the champion!"

"I know what you mean, Coach, and Angle’s war of words with Hogan has become very intriguing the closer we get to the Royal Rumble, less than an hour away."

A video package of the various interviews both men have done is presented. It includes almost a full transcript of the Angle/Hogan showdown from the past SmackDown!, including a focus on Angle mentioning how he lives, eats, breathes, etc., the title. It ends with a shot of their staredown, which fades into the motion graphic for the match itself, with Josh providing voice-over.

"Well, there you have it, folks. Two men who both want the WWE Title, and one match to determine the winner. Earlier today, our Matt Capotelli caught up with the challenger to ask about his feelings for this match."

The shot switches to Matt standing with Hulk Hogan (me). "Hollywood Hogan," begins Capotelli, "tonight you have a chance to make history one more time by becoming the oldest man to win a Pay-Per-View match for a World Heavyweight Championship. Only Kurt Angle stands in your way."

"Well, ya know somethin’, Capotelli brother, I’ve been all around the world in my illustrious career, dude. And this place, Philadelphia, holds some special memories for me, brother. It was here, in front of a packed house, that I took a 450 pound man named the Earthquake, and I slammed him through a table in front of the entire world, little man. And now I come here, ready to make more history, against the WWE Champion, Kurt Angle, brother. Now Kurt Angle may have the Olympic medals, and he may have the history of being world champion, my man, but he ain’t got what I got, and that’s the power of these 24-inch pythons and the power of Hulkamania running through my veins, amigo. And when he tries to put my shoulders to the mat, I’m gonna take all that Brotherly Love right here in Philadelphia, dude, and I’m gonna look at Kurt Angle, and I’ll ask him right to his bald little face, just whatcha gonna do when the Babe Ruth of sports entertainment runs wild all over you?"

"All right, there you have it. Hulk Hogan is ready and waiting for his shot at Kurt Angle. Back to Josh in the studio."

"Thanks, Matt. Well, it seems that Hollywood Hogan is ready for competition tonight against Kurt Angle, but can he hold up after all this time? He hasn’t been in a match in almost a full month, Coach."

"Ring rust certainly will play a factor in tonight’s match, but what’s much more of a factor is the age and experience. Kurt Angle is almost a full generation younger than Hogan, and unlike in other matches, he has a large amount of experience at the top against the big boys. This isn’t A-Train -- this is a polished main event wrestler."

"All right, also on the card tonight we have Kane and Chris Benoit in a rematch from Armageddon that came about due to unusual circumstances in that Armageddon matchup."

"It was supposed to be an Inerfno match, and even though Kane won, he was tapping in the middle of the match, which is how Benoit earned this shot."

"Let’s take a look at what brought these two men to Philadelphia to face each other one more time."

A video package plays, highlighting first the Elimination Chamber at Survivor Series and showing about 10 different replays of the fireball that caused the title change. The wheel spinning is added, with it landing on Inferno Match, followed by a close-up of Kane’s hand tapping. Bischoff is shown allowing one more match, as the two stare each other down and promise generally nasty things. This fades into the motion graphic for Kane/Benoit, with Coach doing voiceover.

"One more time, it’ll be Chris Benoit vs. Kane for the World Heavyweight Championship. Earlier today, our cameras along with Diamond Dallas Page caught up with Benoit in preparation for this intense matchup."

The cameras enter a basement somewhere, with a similar set-up to Stu Hart’s dungeon. DDP is in front as he approaches Chris Benoit being stretched by an indy talent. "Chris, if I may interrupt... a lot of people wouldn’t exactly consider this the most ideal training site for a World Heavyweight title match. Why are you in the basement here?"

Chris escapes the hold and talks. "Well, I just wanted to get back to what made me a superstar. Being here reminds me of the Dungeon where I trained. It’s the kind of intensity Stu Hart brought every day to my training sessions that I need to bring to tonight’s World Heavyweight Title match. When Kane enters the ring, he will be facing a man who has been primed and ready for every possible obstacle. When tonight is done, I will be -- once again -- the World Heavyweight Champion. And if Kane thinks that won’t happen... he’ll just have to Prove Me Wrong." Chris returns to the stretches.

"There ya go, boys, it looks like Benoit’s in the mindset of a warrior, and that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing. Back to you, Coach."

The shot initially goes back to Josh and Coach, but then goes to the motion graphic for each match as they discuss it.

"Thanks, Page. You know, we haven’t talked about the other three exciting title matches tonight. The first one, of course, is Chavo Guerrero, fresh off his trade from Smackdown, going for the Intercontinental Title against Christian. That’s one I’m looking forward to."

"In addition, we’ll see Zach Gowen, who’s living his dream, try to become the Cruiserweight champion as he faces Jamie Noble, who as always is accompanied by Nidia."

"And finally, Alexis Laree makes her debut in the WWE and can win the women’s title against Ivory. Laree has been making waves around the nation, and in fact got her start right here in Philadelphia, so we’ll have to see how things go tonight."

"And how can we forget the Royal Rumble itself? Fifteen RAW superstars and fifteen SmackDown superstars for a shot at a guaranteed place on the card at WrestleMania. There on the screen you see the 29 known participants in the Royal Rumble, but one slot is once again open on the SmackDown side. Stephanie McMahon playing a wildcard in an effort to win the Rumble, Coach."

"An interesting idea, playing with the strategies of the other combatants, but will it pay off tonight? You can find out by ordering the Royal Rumble. Call your local cable or satellite provider to order! The Rumble begins in about 30 minutes."

"When we come back, it’ll be SmackDown tag team action as the APA battle Dawn Marie’s squad of Hardcore Holly and Test. Coach and I will have the call after this break."

*****

07:31 PM

Howard Finkel is doing introductions as the APA’s music hits. "The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, at a total combined weight of 560 pounds, Faarooq, Bradshaw, the A.P.A.!" The duo head to the ring wearing matching tights and slapping the hands of fans along the way. The Philadelphia crowd cheers them on as they enter the ring.

"And their opponents, being accompanied by Dawn Marie, at a total combined weight of 515 pounds, the team of Test and Hardcore Holly!" New Dawn Marie style music plays (it’s in SDSYM and sounds kinda like New York nightlife with the trumpets and... oh, go look it up) as Test and Hardcore walk to the ring, with Dawn Marie leading the way and smiling like a cat that ate the canary. Both men get into the ring and stare down the APA, but before the bell rings, Bradshaw gets in a cheap shot and the match is on.

All four men brawl as the crowd chants "APA". Faarooq tosses Test through the ropes as Hardcore and Bradshaw slug it out. Bradshaw wins that, catching Holly off the ropes and in the Last Call. Bradshaw makes the drinking motion as Test tosses Faarooq into the steps. Bradshaw gets up and turns around, but Test boots him down. Holly covers for two. Holly picks Bradshaw up and clubs him a few times before whipping him into the ropes and hitting a clothesline. Test comes in, and he delivers a DDT for two. Holly and Test combine for a double suplex, then Holly props Bradshaw up against the ropes and hits his low punt. The ref admonishes Holly, allowing Test to snap Bradshaw’s neck on the top rope. Holly goes for the Alabama Slamma, but Bradshaw rolls through it to his feet, then blasts Holly with a shoulderblock for the double KO. Both men crawl to their corners, bringing in Test and a riled-up Faarooq.

Faarooq clubs away at Test, then whips him into the ropes and lands his standing spinebuster. Holly gets a kick to the gut and a suplex for coming in, after which Test is hit with a powerslam for two. Holly breaks, and all four men go back at it. In the chaos, Dawn Marie hops on the apron and gives Faarooq a better look at her chest. Faarooq stares at the headlights, allowing Test to catch him from behind with a pumphandle slam for two. Test whips Faarooq in for the big boot, but Faarooq ducks and Test gets hit with the Clothesline from Hell from Bradshaw. However, Holly tosses Bradshaw and hits the Falcon Arrow on Faarooq, earning the victory for his team at 5:58.

"Here are your winners, the team of Test and Hardcore Holly!"

The announcers look over the replay and discuss the victory. Coach mentions that this could earn Test and Holly a title shot at some point in the future. Josh scoffs at the idea.

"Still to come, folks," says a nonplussed Coach, "we will have the Flagpole Match, as Tommy Dreamer goes into battle with La Resistance, but who will be by his side? The answer after this break."

*****

07:49 PM

"The following tag team contest is a no-disqualification Flagpole Match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, coming down the aisle, from Paris, France, at a total combined weight of 485 pounds, the team of Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier, La Resistance!" As La Resistance’s decidedly French music plays, the duo head to the ring. Grenier is waving the French flag, while Dupree carries a bare flagpole with him. Both men are wearing the berets, trenchcoats, and epaulets that are part of their uniform, but also a pair of VIVE LA FRANCE T-shirts. They enter the ring, where Grenier waves the flag before disconnecting the flag and presenting it to Michael Cole at ringside. Cole, naturally, doesn’t know what to do with it as Dupree and Grenier stand and salute, still wearing the T-shirts.

"And their opponents, introducing first, from Yonkers, NY, weighing 260 pounds, Tommy Dreamer!"

Tommy’s hardcore rock music plays over the PA system as he storms to the ring, carrying an American flag on his flagpole. He salutes the flag, then disconnects it. A road agent helps him fold the flag properly, then it is presented to Tazz as Dreamer asks for a mic. As this is going on, Coach and Josh remind us that RAW and SmackDown present WWE Royal Rumble, live in just a few minutes and exclusively on Pay-Per-View. The Royal Rumble is presented by YJ Stinger, and the official theme song is "Away from Me" by Puddle of Mudd. Dreamer’s music ends, and he speaks.

"Hey, frog-boys, listen up! I may be from Yonkers, but Philadelphia is my second home! And as I sat in the back thinking of who I could get to help me take it to the two of you, I realized there was a man who could help me. He’s the only guy I could think of who was hardcore enough, who was crazy enough, and most importantly, who was SSSSSSSSSSSSSSICK enough to do it!"

The crowd lets out a pop upon hearing the word "sick" emphasized, then goes into a roar as an instrumental version of "Last Resort" plays over the PA. A familiar face to Philly fanatics appears from behind the curtain, carrying a mysterious burlap bag and a Singapore cane, which is close enough to a flagpole for government work. Finkel does the rest.

"From Philadelphia, PA, weighing in at 230 pounds, Sick Nick Mondo!"

A HUGE "CZW" chant strikes up as Mondo storms to the ring. The announcers point out the word "SICK" written on his head, and note that it’s something Al Snow used to do. They note his "UNSCARRED" tattoo around his belly, and wonder if that’s inspired by former ECW legend Perry Saturn. Then the match begins and all four men begin punching, kicking, and swinging their sticks.

Dreamer sends Dupree to the outside with a cross-check, while Mondo begins to school Grenier with his stick. Grenier is flat on his face on the mat, allowing Mondo to climb the ropes and hit a flying elbow onto Grenier. Dupree re-enters the ring (having disposed of Dreamer) and slugs Mondo to the ground. He works an armbar, but Mondo gets to his feet, forcing Dupree to do the same. This allows Dreamer to slam him in the back with the flagpole. Dreamer stands over a downed Dupree as the crowd chants "fuck him up, Dreamer, fuck him up!" The announcers are forced to cover the noise as Dreamer prepares to swing, landing a hard shot to Dupree’s back, then another. Dreamer adds a Russian legsweep with the flagpole to Dupree, then holds the pole over his head, causing a "Sandman" and "ECW" chant to break out.

Grenier is on the floor, nailing a flagpole shot to Mondo’s jaw, then another right between the "I" and "C" on his forehead. He returns to the ring, and La Resistance clothesline Dreamer with the cane. Mondo returns to the ring (having bladed in the interim, as per his contract) and beings slugging away with Grenier, then catches Dupree’s clothesline attempt in a Northern Lights suplex. Dupree rolls to the outside to catch his breath, then goes fishing for more weaponry. He finds a table as Dreamer and Mondo hit a double big boot to Grenier. Dupree sets up the table, then wanders to another side of the ring -- just in time to catch Mondo, who dives over the ropes after him.

Dreamer, meanwhile, begins pounding on Grenier with the stick, then lifts him up for a DDT attempt. Grenier goes low to block, then lifts Dreamer and crotches him on the top rope. Dreamer howls in pain, while Grenier climbs the top rope. Mondo catches him and shakes the ropes, and now Grenier lands on the turnbuckle and is in pain. Dupree hits a slingshot suplex on Dreamer as Mondo gets a super Frankensteiner on Grenier. Both men cover, and both only get two.

Dupree and Mondo charge each other, with Dupree sending Mondo to the floor. Dupree then picks up Dreamer and delivers the prancing kneedrop and figure-four. Grenier adds flagpole shots to Dreamer. Meanwhile, on the outside, Mondo spies the table and gets a look in his eye. He grabs the bag he carried to the ring and opens it. He then spills the contents -- thousands of thumbtacks -- all over the table as the crowd begins to cheer and start a "CZW" chant.

Mondo breaks up the figure-four in the ring as Dreamer limps around and tries to get circulation back into his leg. Grenier clips the leg and tries a pin with his feet on the ropes. The ref gets to two before Mondo lifts Grenier off of Dreamer and hits a gutwrench slam. Dupree breaks Mondo’s cover at two, then suplexes Mondo to the mat. He climbs the top rope, but Mondo follows him up and the two slug it out on top. Grenier recovers and grabs Mondo, but before Dupree can react, Dreamer hops onto the apron and shoves. Dupree is sent flying off the top rope and through the thumbtack table. This leaves Mondo sitting on Grenier’s shoulders, and Mondo flips down and hits a Victory Roll on Grenier that gets the pin and ends this wild match at 8:25.

"Here are your winners, the team of Tommy Dreamer and Sick Nick Mondo!"

The crowd cheers hysterically as Dreamer and Mondo high-five and celebrate. Grenier heads outside to check on his fallen partner, and the camera shows his T-shirt is stabbed with dozens of thumbtacks. Coach and Josh provide one final rundown of the Royal Rumble card before thanking us for joining them and telling us to go watch the Rumble.

[The Third Dukes]

Are you ready?

Think you can tell me how to book?

Think you can tell me who to push?

You think that you're better?

Well you better get ready...

...to bow to the HoFer...

...BREAK IT DOWN!

That sounded soooooooooo much better in my head. Sorry.

So in this post, we have the non-Rumble portion of the Rumble, assuming it all fits. Chavo was a placeholder, so the result of that match is basically a given. Hence, it's the opener. Ditto Noble/Gowen, which wasn't going to change anything. In fact, there were 6 title matches and 1 title change. That'll never happen in the WWE proper. Just saying.

The double turn and the intro of HBK's opponent were both highlights in my mind. I could see that as being some of the best TV in real life. Orton's tease is priceless, and a hint of Legend Killer that I later developed even more in the '04-'05 season.

Kane debuts a new finisher. Cringe.

Other than that, just a lot of matches -- so sit back and enjoy.

*****

Chapter 79

The Royal Rumble

We get the series of clips highlighting the matches for tonight. We see Evolution take out HHH. We see John Cena and Rhyno in a pull-apart. We get Kurt Angle clinging to his title as Hulk Hogan looks on, confused. We see Chris Benoit making Kane tap and Kane tossing Chris into the fire. Another shot shows Mattitude retreating to the back, then Zach Gowen surprising Jamie Noble, and finally a series of punches thrown by various wrestlers, ending in a shot of the RAW ring as half the roster enters it.

AND NOW, World Wrestling Entertainment presents the 2004...

ROYAL RUMBLE

Puddle of Mudd’s "Away from Me" plays as pyro goes off by the ton for the crowd. The cameras pan around and show the usual slew of signs all over the place. Josh Matthews’s voice is the first we hear.

"Here in the city of Brotherly Love, some clean, old-fashioned hatred will decide which three men will leave tonight with a spot at WrestleMania in their grasp! Hello, everyone, and welcome to the sold-out Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, PA, as the Royal Rumble is underway! I’m Josh Matthews alongside Jonathan Coachman, and we have the honor of calling the Royal Rumble match, during which someone will earn their spot at WrestleMania just seven weeks away!"

"That’s right, Josh. The rules are well-known by now: 2 men start, and every 2 minutes another man enters. You’re eliminated by being tossed over the top and out. The last man in the ring wins it all and will get a World or WWE Title shot at WrestleMania!"

"But against whom? We’ll find out tonight as Kane battles Chris Benoit in an Armageddon rematch for the World Title, while Hulk Hogan tries to make history by defeating Kurt Angle for the WWE Title!"

"And don’t forget, Shawn Michaels has been laying down the challenge for someone to meet him. Who could it be? Will that person be here? Let’s get it started by going to Howard Finkel!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the Intercontinental Championship! Introducing first, from Toronto, Canada, weighing in at 215 pounds, the Intercontinental Champion, Christian!"

Christian emerges as his music plays, and the crowd boos him. He struts to the ring, belt around his waist, then rolls in. He removes the belt and hands it to referee Nick Patrick, then poses on the turnbuckle. He removes his garish sunglasses and waits.

"And his opponent, from El Paso, TX, weighing in at 210 pounds, Chavo Guerrero!"

Chavo Guerrero emerges in his Mexican flag motif tights to the sounds of the Lo Rider music. The crowd cheers as he sprints to the ring and climbs the turnbuckle. He reaches the top and does a backflip off, landing on his feet. He then turns around, where Christian smirks at him. The two men back off to their respective corners and wait for the bell to ring.

They lock up. Christian backs Chavo into the corner, but instead of a clean break, he slaps him across the face. Chavo holds his temper and shoots a funny look at Christian before they lock up again. This time Chavo backs Christian into the corner, and during his clean break, Christian fires off a sucker-punch. Chavo flips out and chops away at Christian in the corner. Chavo climbs the buckles and gets the 10 punches, then does a monkey flip on Christian. Christian keeps getting back up, but gets hit with an armdrag, headscissors, armdrag, rana, and another armdrag before finally deciding to stall for time. This doesn’t work either, as Chavo flies out after him with a pescado and punches him on the outside. Nick Patrick gets the two separated, and Chavo plays to the crowd as Christian rolls back in.

Chavo hits a springboard into a senton as Christian tries to rest. He covers, but can only get two. He then sends Christian into the turnbuckle and follows with a running dropkick. Christian is dazed, so Chavo goes up top, but Christian recovers in time to duck the bodypress. Christian then tries an armbar, but Chavo handstands out of it and cuts Christian’s legs out. Christian quickly gets back up, only to be met with a suplex and dropkick, sending him back out of the ring. Chavo climbs the barricade, but Christian moves and Chavo’s jaw hits the apron. Christian rolls him back in and DDTs him for two. A suplex gets two. The rear naked lock with stretch gets another two. Christian appears frustrated, so he waits for Chavo to sit up and goes for a stump puller. Chavo gets to his feet, tipping Christian over backwards, and hits a Lionsault for two. Christian picks himself up, only to find Chavo going for a rana, but Christian stops it and throws Chavo over his head and into the ropes. Christian rope straddles Chavo and gets two.

Christian then throws Chavo to the outside and follows. He tries to ram Chavo’s head into the post, only to receive a drop toehold into the stairs. Chavo tosses Christian back in and goes up top. A missile dropkick gets two. Chavo wonders what he has to do to win, then picks Christian up, only to receive a low blow. Christian goes for a DDT, but Chavo tosses him in a Northern Lights suplex for two. Christian staggers into the corner, and Chavo follows, trying for the Tornado DDT. Christian grabs him, however, and tosses him clear over the top rope and headlong into the railing. Chavo is out, and Christian simply rolls him back into the ring and hits the Unprettier. Patrick counts, and Christian gets the three at 9:27.

"Here is your winner, and STILL Intercontinental Champion, Christian!"

I walked around backstage, trying to loosen up my legs for my match with Kurt Angle. I passed Rene Dupree, who was smiling and seemingly in good spirits. Geez, for a guy who just went through a table, he’s certainly in a good mood. "Hey, Rene, brother... what gives? There’s no blood on your shirt or anything, man."

"Oh, M. Hogan, you do not think I would prepare for a stunt like that without a little extra insurance, n’est-ce pas?"

"What do you mean by insurance?"

Rene was about to answer, but we were both startled by someone shouting "AFLAC!" We turned and saw John Cena -- who I knew was Owen this week -- smiling and laughing, then walking the other way. We both shook our heads.

"Seriously, dude, what do you mean?"

"Well... after volunteering I wanted to make sure this gift I bought in the western part of town would come to good use. As it turns out, it helped me avoid all injuries. Pretty clever, non?" As he spoke, he lifted his T-shirt. Underneath was a black bulletproof vest. Yup, that’s clever.

"The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship! Introducing first, the challenger, from Livonia, MI, weighing 155 pounds, Zach Gowen!"

Gowen’s music plays as he limps to the ring. He raises his hands to play to the crowd, but the crowd start booing. Zach looks around bewildered, then rolls into the ring and removes his prosthesis.

"And the opponent, accompanied by Nidia, from Hanover, WV, weighing an even 200 pounds, the WWE Cruiserweight Champion, Jamie Noble!"

Noble’s rockabilly theme is playing as he emerges holding Nidia’s hand. The two kiss at the entranceway as the crowd cheers their arrival. Noble rolls into the ring and yells a little at the fans. He then presents his title to referee Brian Hebner and stares Zach down. A "Break His Leg" chant starts up as the bell rings.

Noble and Zach lock up as Zach hops around to maintain balance. Noble tosses him into the corner, then stomps away at him. He picks Zach up and delivers a giant swing (four rotations), sending Zach flying out of the ring to the crowd’s delight. Noble follows and begins to pound on Zach’s back. He rolls Zach back into the ring and seems to be saying something to Zach as he applies a headlock. Zach pushes Noble off, and on the rebound, he hits a kneesmash to knock him down. Zach hits a single-leg legdrop, then works in a legbar. Noble makes the ropes. Zach continues punching away at the leg as a "Noble" chant starts up. Noble finally stands up and hits a drop toehold on Zach, then grabs him from behind and gets a reverse suplex as the crowd cheers.

Noble waits for Zach to get to his hands and knee, then dropkicks him out of the ring. Noble follows to the outside, but Zach tosses Noble into the steel steps, then rolls him back in. The "Break His Leg" chant starts again, and Zach delivers a "who, me?" look to the crowd. He waits for Noble to get to one knee, then delivers a roundhouse dropkick to the back of his head. He covers, but only gets two. He picks Noble up, then tries for a standing dropkick, but Noble catches him in a powerbomb for two. Noble slowly picks Zach, appearing to be saying something, and soon Zach hits a low blow. He rolls Noble up and puts his foot on the ropes, but still only gets two. The crowd boos Zach vociferously, and a "Gowen Sucks!" chant begins. Zach seems confused as to what to do, then climbs the ropes. He dives for a corkscrew moonsault, limbs flailing, but Noble escapes and Zach crashes to the mat to a huge pop. Noble then picks Zach up and delivers the Tiger Bomb, covering as the crowd chants along. The pin is academic at 6:44.

"Here is your winner, and STILL Cruiserweight Champion, Jamie Noble!"

I was waiting by the curtain as the two wrestlers returned. Noble seemed amused by something, and he and Nidia walked off without really mentioning anything. Zach, meanwhile, was limping back in tears. He could barely keep it together. I talked to him for a while as Paul was readying the next group to head out with him.

"Hey, little dude, what’s wrong?"

"Those fans," he sobbed. "Don’t they know I’m only 19? Don’t they... realize I’m... I’m not ready for this?"

"Hey there, man... you’re gonna meet your share of assholes in life. Look at me. I’ve been an asshole before," I said with a smile while showing him the "4 Life" hand signal. "Some people are just insensitive, that’s all."

"But... but they all... I..."

"It’s mob mentality, man. It’s the same reason they all cheer for me. Look -- you gotta realize by now that some people think you’re a freakshow. They’re gonna tell you to get out of the ring, and say you’re not good enough, but you gotta just shake it off, little man. Now look -- next week in Washington, I’m certain things will be different. You hear me, man?"

Zach looked up. "I... I guess so. I just... I’m sorry."

I began to remember when I was in his place. I remembered the feeling of helplessness as I struggled through my everyday activities. I knew I could never accuse him of not trying anymore -- not after seeing what everyday life was like. I also remembered being in Mexico when he got beaten up. I thought of how he fought through it, and I realized that was the trick.

"Zach... they can’t hurt you. You’ve been beaten on by life. By cancer. By some drunk Mexicans in a bar, dude. Words won’t damage you anymore. And if people wanna throw a punch at you, just tell ol’ Hollywood, and we’ll bring the troops to your aid, you got it, bro?"

Zach smiled. "Yeah... I got it."

"The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the WWE Tag Team Championships! Introducing first, being accompanied by Paul Heyman, from Japan, at a total combined weight of 385 pounds, the team of Ultimo Dragon and Tajiri, Team JAPAN!"

Dragon’s oriental music played through the PA system as the crowd came to its feet. Tajiri stalked to the ring, while Ultimo stayed behind and hit the praying pose, setting off the pyro. Both men were given hero’s welcomes as they entered the ring. Paul Heyman, of course, was equally cheered, and as he took the mic, a big ECW chant broke out.

"Gentlemen," he said, addressing the tag champs, "understand this. This is my home. This is the city I made famous. Tajiri-san, I gave you your first break right here. Asai-san, this is to me what Mexico City is to you. Please, make me proud, and give me a welcome homecoming. I want you to retain the gold."

The champs bowed and nodded. "And the challengers, from North Carolina, at a total combined weight of an even 400 pounds, Shannon Moore and Matt Hardy Version 1!"

A web browser appeared on the screen. The search for Matt Hardy Version 1 was entered. The search bar loaded to 10, then 30, then 70, then a full 100%. After that, Matt and Shannon enter, flashing the V1 hand signal, as we find out that Matt Hates Battle Royals and Matt Speaks Five Languages. Hardy and Moore enter the ring and flash the V1 signals to the crowd, who boos them and starts a "Heyman" chant for the heck of it. The bell rings to start the match.

Matt and Ultimo eventually start. They circle each other before locking up. Ultimo chops away at Matt out of the lockup, then backs him against the ropes. He whips Matt in, but Matt lands a clothesline on the rebound, bringing Tajiri in to hit a savate kick to Matt. Shannon enters now, but Tajiri catches him with a roundhouse kick, and Ultimo gets up and starts hitting palm thrusts on Matt. Both men whip Mattitude into each other, but Shannon ducks and Matt shoulderblocks Tajiri. Ultimo, however, climbs Matt’s back and lands on the top rope, then flips off into a standing moonsault press for two as Shannon breaks. Shannon pays for it as Ultimo kicks him square in the face. Shannon rolls to the outside, where Matt talks strategy. This allows Heyman to knock their heads together to a huge pop -- which lasts until Mike Chioda dismisses Heyman to the back, to a large chorus of boos.

Matt re-enters the ring and faces Ultimo again. They lock up, and Matt backs Ultimo into the corner. Matt then punches away in the corner and suplexes Ultimo out of it. Shannon comes in, and the two punch away in the corner before Matt exits the ring. Shannon gets a drop toehold on Ultimo, followed by a legdrop to the back of the head. He tags Matt back in, and the two deliver a double back suplex. Matt continues punishing Ultimo with a camel clutch. Ultimo makes the ropes as Tajiri leads an ECW chant. Matt then bodyslams Ultimo and pins him, but it only gets two before Ultimo bridges out. Matt tries a dragon sleeper, but Asai flips over and reverses, but Shannon enters and clotheslines Ultimo to break. Ultimo rolls outside, so Shannon dives onto him and tosses him back in. As he does, Tajiri grabs him and mists him, so Matt follows outside to administer a double-teaming. This allows Ultimo to climb to the apron and deliver the Asai moonsault onto the pile.

As everyone gets up, Ultimo returns to the ring and signals for the Asai DDT. However, Matt low blows him from behind and rolls him up, using the tights, for two. Matt reaches over and tags Shannon, who is still wiping the mist out of his eyes. Shannon applies a chinlock with one arm and cleans off his face with the other. Ultimo powers out with some elbowsmashes, then runs the ropes, but Moore catches him with a rana. He covers, but Tajiri saves at two. As Chioda tells Tajiri to leave, Matt comes in with a Twist of Fate. Shannon covers, but Ultimo gets his hand on the ropes. Shannon pulls Ultimo to the center of the ring and covers a second time, but Ultimo lifts the shoulder at two. Shannon looks on, confused, as the crowd chants "Nippon!" for the Japanese duo. Ultimo slowly gets to his feet as Matt is tagged in. Matt grabs the head and goes for a second Twist of Fate, but Ultimo grabs the legs and slingshots Matt into Shannon. With both men down, he tries to make it over to Tajiri, but Matt cuts him off at the last second and delivers a dragon screw. He covers for two.

Backstage, Paul Heyman was searching around. "What are you looking for, brother?" I asked.

"I brought a prop that I wanted to use. I just can’t remember where it is."

"But... weren’t you just kicked out of ringside?"

"That was an excuse for me to find this. Now, let’s see, I could’ve sworn that... ah, here it is!"

He grabbed his bag -- in which, presumably, the prop lay -- then headed back to the gorilla position. "What? What is it?"

"You’ll see, Hogan. It’s an old friend."

Meanwhile, back in the ring, Matt holds Ultimo in an STF. Ultimo fakes tapping a few times, then starts to crawl for the ropes. Matt pulls him away, but Tajiri then buzzsaw kicks him straight in the mouth. Matt flops over onto his back, bleeding from the mouth, while Chioda escorts Tajiri away. Shannon enters and hits a neckbreaker on Ultimo, then places Matt on top. Chioda turns around and counts, but it’s only two. Both men are slow to get up, but Matt is on his feet first. He kicks away at Ultimo, then sends him into the ropes. Ultimo ducks a clothesline, then flips over Matt’s head and delivers a neckbreaker. Both men are down. Ultimo crawls to his corner as Matt does, but Shannon can’t prevent the tag. Tajiri enters and hits a Karate rush on Shannon, absolutely levelling him in a neutral corner. He picks Shannon up and climbs the ropes, then delivers the Tarantula as the Philly crowd goes wild. Matt breaks it, then begins to punch away at Tajiri. Ultimo returns and goes for a savate kick on Matt, but Matt ducks and Choida gets nailed square in the jaw.

At this point, Paul Heyman returns to ringside. Matt sees him and begins to shout at him, but that allows Tajiri to mist Matt. As Matt stumbles around blinded, he grabs the nearest person he can find -- Ultimo -- and DDTs him, then panics, certain he got Shannon. Shannon throws water in Matt’s face to wash off the mist, and Matt gets over his panic attack. He tries to revive the ref, as he does, Ultimo positions himself next to Matt. Matt turns around as Ultimo backflips, and the Asai DDT connects. Ultimo goes to cover, but that won’t count either. Shannon then runs in with a tag belt and clocks both Ultimo and Tajiri with it. He grabs Ultimo and lays him out, then climbs the ropes and delivers the yodelling legdrop. As he celebrates in the ring, Paul Heyman enters, having pulled something out of his tote bag. Shannon turns around and is nailed right between the eyes by a vintage 1980s portable cellular phone, which cracks in half upon impact. Shannon blades from it, then slowly tries to recover. As he does, Tajiri nips up and stands behind him. One buzzsaw kick later, and Tajiri covers as the ref crawls over. The entire crowd counts to three as the champs retain at 15:44.

"The winners of this bout, and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions, Team JAPAN!"

Backstage, Kevin Nash’s jaw dropped. He began bouncing up and down in his seat, like an uncontrollable child. Pat Patterson entered the room. "Shawn, get out there. Hogan, Angle, get on deck."

I left my seat and slowly walked with Shawn to the gorilla position. As I did, I turned to him. "You ready for a wild finish, brother?"

Shawn, not knowing who I was, smiled. "Hulk, it ain’t even started yet."

Shawn Michaels’ music hits as he walks out, microphone in hand. He does his dancing and sets off his pyro, then calms down and looks into a camera. He lifts the mic to his mouth as an "HBK" chant starts.

"Now, as you all know, over the past couple of months, I’ve been asking someone if he would accept my invitation to one final match in the WWE. It’s someone I’ve never met before in the ring, but I have met outside of it. I won’t say we’re friends or enemies, but we share certain beliefs, so I respect him for that. I haven’t said who he is because, well, I didn’t wanna get your hopes up. So I’m just going to tell whoever it is that they have one minute to accept or reject my invitation. If they don’t, I’ll consider it rejected."

He waits for a few seconds as the crowd buzzes. JR and DDP talk about how the Internet speculation has been running rampant as to this man’s identity. After about 20 seconds, Evolution’s music hits and Randy Orton appears on the ramp. He holds a microphone in his hand and smirks at Shawn.

"Well, Shawn, I must say I’m flattered. We all know that the man you want to have a special match against is none other than the newest superstar, the Evolution of wrestling, Randy Orton. Well, I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I must say my answer is--"

"NO! You’re not who I asked. Get the hell out of here, you newcomer! Leave!"

The crowd cheers as Shawn keeps waving Orton to the back. The "Na na na" chant starts as Orton looks around, furious. He drops the mic and charges the ring...

...as the lights go out. Flashbulbs go off everywhere. Michaels and Orton are seen in the flashes to be looking around, Orton in confusion, Michaels in confidence. Then, a thud is heard. The lights come back on as Orton lies prone on the mat, with a long black baseball bat lying beside him. The crowd begins to cheer as Michaels sees the baseball bat and picks it up.

"You’re here, I see," he yells to the ceiling, the back, and nowhere in particular. "You did this. I know you’re here now. So come forward. I wanna know if you’ll do the match. Is it yes or no? Don’t hide anymore. We need an answer."

The lights go out a second time, this time with a single spotlight appearing on the stage. As it does, an image of a black bird appears on the TitanTron. It is followed by the Crow Music playing throughout the arena as the crowd is on their feet. After about 15 seconds, STING emerges in the black and white with a microphone. He stares at the entrance as the lights go back on and show Michaels smiling from ear to ear.

"What’ll it be, Stinger? The whole world wants to know. Is it yes... or no?"

Sting slowly lifts the mic to his mouth, but pauses for a "Sting" chant to start up. He smiles out of the corner of his mouth, then looks Shawn straight in the eye. "Yes." The crowd cheers long and loud. "Shawn... anytime... anywhere... it’s SHOWTIME!"

The Crow Music starts up again as Sting slowly departs to the back. Shawn Michaels is jumping up and down as if he just won the title. Randy Orton finally gets to his feet and slowly walks to the back, barely able to figure out what happened. Shawn then hops over the top rope and walks to the back, using the bat as a cane.

I stood in the back as the participants from the previous segments walked backstage. The wrestlers were gathered in the aisleway to welcome Sting to the WWE and, in some cases, ask for autographs. I turned to Angle. "Can you believe we gotta follow that?"

"No sweat," Angle said. "Let’s go out there and make history."

"The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the WWE Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, weighing 220 pounds, the WWE Heavyweight Champion, Kurt Angle!"

"Medal" played over the PA system as Kurt entered to a good reaction. It was Vince’s idea to send him out instead of me first so that the crowd could get to see him as the heel. Angle pointed to the sky as his pyro went off behind him. He then walked to the ring and twirled in the center of it. Reluctantly, he handed over his title to Tim White, who kept it as the music stopped. Angle stood in the center of the ring and looked around. The Philly crowd was divided, some chanting for Angle, some against him.

"And his opponent, the challenger, from Hollywood, USA, weighing in at 275 pounds, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!"

"Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" was already playing in the Wachovia Center. As it started, all my worries about the plan disappeared. The crowd was in full voice for me as I walked down the aisle, slowly, conserving my energy as much as possible. I played some air guitar along with Hendrix, then continued to the ring. I chopped that mountain down with the edge of my hand, then ripped the Hulk Still Rules T-shirt right off and threw it to the crowd. The "Hogan" chants continued for a full two minutes after the music did and during the staredown. Finally, the bell rang.

We locked up. A little trash talking in the lockup followed, then Angle went to the headlock. I tried lifting him up, but he landed on his feet back in the headlock. I shoved him off. He bounced into the ropes and I levelled him with a shoulderblock. He bounced back up and charged in, so I grabbed his throat and powered him down, then added a pair of elbowdrops. I slowly got up and grabbed Angle in a slam attempt. He slid down my back, then started clubbing me in the back. I staggered around in pain as he followed me and put on a crossface chickenwing. I flailed my arm in pain before Angle made the mistake of jumping on my back. I fell back onto him as the crowd cheered. I slowly got to my feet and shook the pain out of my arm before backing him into the corner. I climbed the second rope and punched away as the crowd counted along. At 7, I bit him. Angle staggered out of the corner, so I gave him an axe lariat and covered, but only for two.

As we both got up, I crept behind him and began raking his back. Kurt yelled in pain as the crowd ate it all up. I clotheslined him over the top rope and followed. On the outside, I slugged him a few times, but he blocked and fired back. I staggered into position, and Angle grabbed my hair -- what there was of it -- and slammed me into the announcer’s table. I remained doubled over by the table, amazed at my own lack of flexibility. Angle grabbed me and tossed me in the ring. The noise was so great I couldn’t even think straight. All I could do was follow Angle’s lead as he gave me a back suplex. I wiggled around in pain and took the stomps from Angle. He picked me up and chopped me in the corner, keeping the match basic. I reversed him and chopped away at him, then tried to throw him into the corner, only to get that reversed. I hit the turnbuckle chest-first and staggered backwards into the Angle Slam. Kurt covered. One. Two.

Not yet, Kurt.

I fiercely kicked out and got up to one knee, shaking the cobwebs out and staring straight at Angle. He became confused, starting to punch away, but that only made me stronger. I got to my feet, still ignoring his punches, and shook my arms violently. One more punch -- "YOU!" from the entire crowd as I pointed. A nervous Angle tried another punch, but it was blocked. One. Two. Three. Into the ropes, and back out for the big boot -- but Angle caught the foot. I stood there, trying to maintain my balance, before Angle yanked, cueing me to fall on my back. He turned me over and applied the ankle lock. I struggled to the ropes, but Kurt pulled me all the way back. Tim White checked to see if I would quit -- which meant he missed Kurt placing his foot behind the bottom rope, hooking himself so I couldn’t pull him away. I struggled, but couldn’t move. I had no choice, and tapped out at 12:01.

But there was more.

Angle refused to let go as his music played. He continued pulling and twisting my leg as I tapped harder and harder and yelled in pain. Tim White tried to pull him off of me, but Angle just yelled back at him. I tried to pull myself free, but had no luck. Finally, Angle let go of the hold to give White the Angle Slam. He then re-applied the hold in the center of the ring. The crowd booed loudly.

Several other referees headed to the ring to try to pry Angle off. I continued yelling, sometimes adding, "it’s broken, I think it’s broken," to emphasize the pain. Angle let go, and I tried to crawl to the ropes as I heard referees go flying left and right. I looked to the announcer’s table, where Michael Cole slammed his headset down and walked to the timekeeper’s table to get the belt, then entered the ring to help restrain Angle. Angle calmed down and took his belt, ready to leave, while Cole and Tim White talked to Finkel. Finkel relayed the decision.

"Ladies and gentlemen, due to post-match activities, it is the unanimous decision of the SmackDown officiating crew to reverse the decision by disqualification. Your winner, as a result of a disqualification, Hollywood Hulk Hogan!"

That set Angle off. He charged the ring again and began pounding on the back of my head as I meekly covered up. I slowly rolled onto my back as Angle got off of me. Michael Cole and Jack Doan held him back, but Angle knocked Doan down and slammed Cole, then put HIM in the anklelock. This caused Tazz to try to pry Angle off of his buddy, and the crowd -- which normally would cheer someone beating Cole up -- took Tazz’s side, booing harshly. It got worse when Angle suplexed Tazz on his head, then went back to Cole.

Their boos turned to thunderous cheers, though, as Eddie Guerrero emerged from the back. He dove into the ring and pulled Angle off of Cole. I rolled slowly to the outside as Eddie brawled with Angle. As I got back up to one knee, I peered into the ring. Eddie floored Angle with a brainbuster and, with the crowd cheering him on, climbed the ropes. He delivered the frog splash, and Angle rolled out of the ring. I slowly climbed back in.

Eddie stared at me, fists balled up, as though to say, "what, you want some too?" I stared at him, barely able to put weight on my foot. Finally, I extended my hand to him. He shook it. I pulled him in and thanked him with a hug, then raised his hand as "VIVA GUERRERO" led into Eddie’s new music. Angle left, a bitter, broken, and hated man, with Eddie Guerrero the new hero.

Slowly, Eddie and I walked to the back, helping as Tazz and the other referees aided Michael Cole. When all of us got to the back, the women in the next match were waiting for us, eyes agape and jaw dropped. Ivory spoke for both of them. "Thanks, guys," she said sarcastically. "We gotta follow that effort now? The crowd will be dead for us! Why do they keep scheduling us in such a bad place on the card -- the nacho break match? It’s just not fair."

"Hey, Ivory... calm down. We’re on Pay-Per-View. Besides, it’ll be quick."

"Yeah... guess you’re right, Alexis. Sorry, I’m just a little cranky right now. You know, my emotions all out of control."

"Sure, okay. I think. I mean, I wouldn’t know or anything..."

"Believe me, it’s not a cakewalk. Fortunately, I should be off the road soon."

We continued to the back. Paul and Stephanie were thrilled at the results. "All right, Eddie! That’s the way!" Stephanie yelled as she slapped him on the back. Eddie smiled and helped me sit down. I had only been out there for about 20 minutes, but I felt like it had been two hours. I guess at fifty, everything hurts more.

"You okay, Hogan? Okay, good. I gotta get ready for the Rumble, man, but I just wanna say... thank you for giving me the cred out there, hombre. I told you everything would be all right."

"Yeah... you did."

"The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the Women’s Championship! Introducing first, from Hollywood, FL, the Women’s Champion, Ivory!"

Ivory’s music plays as she walks out with the Women’s title, jawing at fans along the way. She rolls into the ring and continues yelling, then raises her hands to the unappreciative crowd. The music stops, and the crowd begins to buzz for what would happen next.

"And the challenger, from Richmond, VA, here is Alexis Laree!"

Laree comes out to her hard rock in-house music to a HUGE ovation from the crowd. She slides into the ring and begins doing Lita’s "rock on" arm swings on the second turnbuckle. She then climbs another turnbuckle and does the same thing. As she does, though, Ivory attacks from behind.

Ivory pummels away at Alexis, then throws her into the turnbuckle. She tries for a back suplex, but Laree flips out of it and hits a reverse X-Factor on Ivory. She then adds a lightning legdrop and picks Ivory up. Ivory is sent into the ropes, and Alexis hits a bodypress on the way out. She climbs to the top rope and moonsaults Ivory, then rolls off the cover. She sends Ivory into the turnbuckle, then grabs her head. She bounces up to the top rope and twists off in what the announcers call the LareeDT -- a tornado DDT. She covers, and the match is over just 53 seconds after it began.

"The winner of this contest, and NEW Women’s Champion, Alexis Laree!"

Laree jumps up and down as she is handed the Women’s Title belt. The crowd cheers ecstatically and chants "Welcome Back". Some of them even start an "ROH" chant -- just as Matt had predicted they would. Laree weeps tears of joy in the ring. She mouths the words "thank you" over and over to the fans. She is home.

I walked gingerly to the trainer’s room to get an examination. Michael Cole was back there, getting a wrap placed on his foot. "Hey, Michael, you ok, dude?"

"Yeah, Hulk... I’m just not used to having to take wrestling moves, so my foot feels kinda funny after Kurt got done with it."

"He didn’t hurt ya, did he?"

"Nah... this oughta be fine by morning. I just wanna stabilize it."

"All right, man."

"How about you? You look like you’ve been through hell."

"Well, you know, Cole, at 50 years old, all the little bumps and twists feel like they’re being made by a jackhammer, dude."

"Well... if you can get through it, I’m gonna suck it up and work the Rumble."

"Wait a second, dude... you’re not in it, are you?"

"Oh, no no... the refs have to be around ringside to judge people’s feet hitting the floor."

"Oh, right man. Those things ran themselves for so long I forgot we needed officials, brother."

"Well... it looks good on TV," Cole concluded. He winked and hobbled out of the room as I got on the training table.

"The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the World Heavyweight Championship! Heading to the ring, weighing 326 pounds, the World Heavyweight Champion, Kane!"

Slow Chemical plays over the PA as red light bathes the arena. Kane slowly walks to the ring, the World Title held limply in his right hand. He enters the ring and stands in the center, raising his hands. He drops them suddenly, "setting off" pyro on all four corners. He stares at Earl Hebner as he hands him the belt.

"And his opponent, from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, weighing 220 pounds, Chris Benoit!"

Benoit’s music plays as the crowd cheers. Chris Benoit emerges from the back, shaking his muscles loose. He rolls into the ring and stares directly into Kane’s eyes. Kane stares right back at Benoit, as the foot of height difference is played up by the announcers. Earl Hebner separates the two and calls for the bell.

Benoit jukes and jives around Kane, who charges and misses Benoit. Kane turns and faces Benoit, who is egging him on. Kane charges in again, this time with a big boot, but Benoit calmly ducks it and spins Kane around. He chops away at Kane, then whips him into the ropes, where Kane hits a clothesline that spins Benoit in midair. Kane stands over him and taunts him, then picks him up and throws him out of the ring. He follows, pressing Benoit against the pole on the outside. He lets go and laughs at the referee, but when he turns around, Benoit sends him crashing into the steps.

Benoit tosses him back in and grabs an armbar. Kane stands up, with Benoit virtually hanging off his arm, and breaks the hold with ease. Kane then picks Benoit up, but Benoit rolls through and tries the Crossface. Kane scrambles for the ropes. Benoit maintains the pressure with a headlock, then tries to run Kane’s head into the turnbuckle. Kane shoves him off, and Benoit slams into the buckle chest-first. Kane then grabs Benoit from behind and hits what was probably supposed to be a suplex, but wound up being a brainbuster. Kane ascends the top rope and waits for Benoit to get. He dives off... straight into another Crossface. This time, Kane powers out.

Benoit gets frustrated and grabs Kane from behind. He hits the first German suplex, then another. Kane breaks on the third one and grabs Benoit by the throat. The chokeslam connects, but only for two. Kane yanks Benoit up by the hair, but Benoit shoves Kane’s hands away and chops him in the chest a few times. Kane is sent into the ropes, and Benoit uses Kane’s momentum to send him right out over the top. Benoit follows with a tope suicida as the crowd goes ballistic. Back inside, Kane is prone on the mat as Benoit goes for a diving headbutt. He leaps, but Kane is ready and grabs Benoit’s throat in midair. They both stand up, but Benoit rolls away from it and chops some more.

Kane is staggered against the turnbuckle, so Benoit lifts him onto it and follows. He connects with a superplex and covers for two. Benoit drops an elbow and covers again, but still gets only two. Benoit tries for a hammerlock slam on Kane, but Kane blocks easily and gorilla presses Benoit. He stands on Benoit’s chest, and the ref counts to two before Benoit throws Kane aside. Benoit gets to his feet slowly as Kane beals him to the outside. He climbs to the top rope and nails the diving clothesline on him to the floor. Kane smiles at the crowd and at Benoit, then throws him back into the ring.

Arrogantly, Kane stands over Benoit, then kicks him a few times, as if testing if Benoit’s alive. Benoit grabs Kane’s feet as Kane smiles down, but the smile leaves when Benoit flips Kane onto his back. From there, Benoit applies the Sharpshooter to a surprised Kane, who fights the hold for a full minute. Finally, Kane reaches the ropes. Benoit drags Kane back to the center of the ring and makes the cut-throat sign, then goes up top. This time, Kane is up too soon. Benoit tries a body attack, but Kane grabs the goozle. However, Benoit hits the Crossface out of THAT, but Kane stands up while in it and grabs the torture rack out of it. He then hits a Death Valley Driver out of the torture rack. In Japan, I believe this is the Burning Hammer. In America, it’s "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY, HE HAS TO BE BROKEN IN HALF!" Or something. Anyway, it'll end the match at 16:09.

"The winner, and STILL World Heavyweight Champion, KANE!"

I looked at the trainer. "Is he gonna be all right, dude?"

"Oh, I’m sure, Hulk," the trainer replied. "Y’see, he’s been in Japan, and taking stuff like that is normal over there. I’m not saying it’s smart, but Kane did his best to make him land on his face and not his head. See? Chris is moving again."

I left the training room with a clean bill of health as they were bringing Chris in.

"Hey, Benoit, brother... you’re insane."

"Yeah... thanks... that’s one move I ain’t doin’ again." He slowly walked to the training table, where he was checked out for signs of a concussion. Meanwhile, Glen Jacobs knocked on the door.

"Did I hurt you?"

"No... not too much... just a bell ringing."

"Okay... I think I’ll save that move for special occasions. It’s like my Tombstone or your powerbomb."

"Yeah... smart thinking."

"Thanks for teaching it to me, Chris."

"No problem."

I walked out to the curtain area. Half the roster was ready, lined up from 1 to 30. Vince was giving last second instructions to the crew. I walked back and took a prime seating position in the locker room. The fastest hour of sports entertainment was about to begin.

[The Third Dukes]

And the Rumble itself. The stories tell themselves in these events, and this is no exception. So enjoy.

*****

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the ROYAL RUMBLE! Allow me to explain the rules. Two competitors will start the match shortly. Two minutes after the opening bell, and every two minutes thereafter, another competitor will enter the match until all thirty men have entered. A man is eliminated if and ONLY if he goes over the top rope and both his feet hit the floor. The last participant remaining in the contest shall be declared the winner and will receive a guaranteed World or WWE Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania!"

The crowd cheers as they await the first two participants.

"Introducing first, in slot #1, from West Newbury, MA, weighing 240 pounds, John Cena!"

"Word Life!" hits the PA and the crowd gives a rousing cheer for the bad boy rapper as he enters. He steps into the ring, as always, with mic in hand.

"Yo, yo, cut it, man, cut it.

Tonight’s the Royal Rumble, it’s my turn in the sun.

So what if I come out having drawn #1?

I got 29 punks who think that they can outlast me,

But for them to win the Rumble, they’ll have to get past me.

I got my problems with some boys, but they can’t make ’em stick.

When I get into the ring, my whole routine just clicks.

I’ve got a shot at the title, a chance to live the dream,

And just like all the Philly wrestling fans, I’ll take it to the extreme.

What’s an hour of hard work, when the title’s your reward?

It’s not like a few broken bones ain’t somethin’ I can afford.

Nobody got it like I do, and that’s just a fact.

I’m authentic, I’m the real deal, unlike that Rob Black.

I’m gonna win it, and as Kurt would say, it’s true, it’s true,

And if you don’t think I can, lemme give you an F-U.

I’m gonna go the distance, cuz my game is sick,

And if you get in my way, I’ll make you suck my--"

The crowd finishes.

"And in slot #2, from Cambridge, MA, weighing 270 pounds, Christopher Nowinski!"

Harvard’s fight song plays as Nowinski walks casually to the ring. The announcers explain that all managers are banned from ringside in this event, and there are two referees on each side of the ring to make sure every elimination is caught. Nowinski steps through the ropes, loosens up, and waits.

DING DING!

Cena and Nowinski lock up. Nowinski pounds on Cena in the corner, but Cena reverses and chops away. Corner-to-corner they go, as Cena blasts Nowinski with a clothesline. Nowinski trips Cena up to slow him down, but an attempt at a Double Arm DDT fails. Cena then gets a shot with his knee in and staggers Nowinski. Both men charge at each other, but Cena ducks and kicks Nowinski. Nowinski goes up and gets F-Ued. Cena then sends Nowinski packing at 1:34, giving him almost 30 seconds of playing to the crowd alone in the ring.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Rhyno at #3! Rhyno charges the ring and gets into a brawl with Cena. The two men slug it out with reckless abandon as the crowd chants ECW for Rhyno. Cena sends Rhyno through the ropes and continues the pounding on the outside. Rhyno reverses a whip, sending Cena into the steps. Cena gets tossed back into the ring as Rhyno goes hunting for a weapon. He returns with an old-fashioned steel chair, only to be met with a chainassisted punch from Cena. Cena mounts Rhyno and tries for more punches, but Rhyno kicks him low to stop that. Rhyno hits a spinebuster on the chair, then attempts to throw Cena, but no dice.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Billy Gunn at #4! Billy charges the ring and pounds on Rhyno, making him drop Cena back in the ring. Gunn then punches away at Rhyno, but Cena gets a waistlock, allowing Rhyno to punch away at Gunn. Cena then whips Gunn into the ropes, but Rhyno intercepts Cena before he can follow and tries for a suplex. Gunn then bodypresses Rhyno, folding Cena on top of him and sending all three crashing to the mat. Gunn picks Rhyno up and gives him a military press, then tosses Rhyno onto Cena. Gunn goes to pick Cena up, but Cena whips him into a Gore from Rhyno. Rhyno and Cena then slug it out as Gunn recovers.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Rey Misterio at #5! Rey charges the ring rather than vault in and starts by climbing the top rope and diving onto all three men. Rey then punches away at Gunn while Cena bodyslams Rhyno. Cena goes to whip Rhyno into the turnbuckle, but Rhyno reverses, then follows up with a clothesline to cause Cena to flop to a seated position, where Rey gets a broncobuster. Gunn gets a Fameasser on Rhyno and tries to throw him out, but Rhyno fights it off. Rey charges Cena, who tosses him in the air. Rey uses the top rope to catch himself, then returns with a springboard rana. Cena clotheslines Rey as Rhyno rakes Gunn’s eyes.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - BZZT!

It’s Goldust at #6! Goldust grabs Rhyno and slams him down. Rey and Cena double clothesline Gunn, then Rey backflips with Cena’s help to land on Gunn. Rhyno is set up in the corner, and Goldust charges and delivers Shattered Dreams. As Rhyno slumps down, Cena grabs Goldust and gets the Throwback on him. Rey hits Gunn with a spinning armdrag, while Rhyno gores Goldust. Cena powerbombs Rey, and Rhyno dispenses of Goldust at 9:23. Gunn grabs Rhyno from behind and hits the One and Only. Cena decides to try for an F-U on Rey, but Rey slips out and monkey flips Cena. Rhyno again blocks Gunn’s toss.

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It’s Brock Lesnar at #7! Rhyno charges Lesnar, but Brock sidesteps and Rhyno slams into the steel post. Gunn gets his clothesline no-sold, then is turned inside out by a return shot from Brock. Cena DDTs Rey, then goes toe-to-toe with Brock for a while. Rhyno gets a powerslam on Gunn. Rey charges Brock, who ducks down and flips Rey out of the ring at 11:01. Brock then grabs Cena for the F-5, but Rhyno clips him from behind. Cena falls on top, but gets hit with the Fameasser by Gunn as he gets back to his feet. Gunn suplexes Cena, while Rhyno and Brock slug it out. Cena has Gunn poised for elimination, but nothing doing.

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It’s Rob Van Dam at #8! RVD charges the ring and starts kicking away at Brock, who pounds right back as those two tussle. Rhyno and Gunn hit a Doomsday Device on Cena. Rhyno tries a gore on Cena, but Cena sidesteps and Brock gets it instead. RVD then hits a stepover enzuigiri on Gunn, while Cena and Rhyno double-suplex Brock, then turn on each other. RVD pounds away on Brock, but his superkick attempt is caught. Brock gets RVD in an overhead suplex, and Gunn hits a legdrop as RVD lands. Cena and Rhyno have rolled outside and are pounding away there, but return to the ring upon hearing the countdown.

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It’s Michael Shane at #9! Shane finds RVD and tries to superkick him, but that leads to RVD getting him with the stepover enzuigiri. Brock is beating Gunn into a pulp, while Cena climbs the ropes with Rhyno. After teasing elimination, he gets the Remix. As Rhyno lands, Michael Shane hits a standing elbowdrop on him. Gunn grabs Cena and tries for a piledriver, but Cena grabs the legs and goes for a Boston Crab. Brock clotheslines Cena to break it. Shane and RVD get a double-team dropkick on Rhyno as Gunn receives an F-5 from Brock. Cena crashes the chair into Brock’s skull, then gets Van Daminated as Shane stomps Gunn.

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It’s Paul London at #10! London charges Michael Shane and the two begin flying left and right. Meanwhile, RVD grabs Gunn and whips him into the ropes, then clotheslines Billy out at 16:33. Brock spears down Rhyno in a twist of fortune, while RVD and London double suplex Shane. Cena tries a suplex on Brock, but Brock blocks it. RVD tries to backdrop Shane, but Shane gets a DDT, then is hit with a flying forearm by London as he nips up. Cena tries to eliminate RVD, but that goes nowhere. Shane and London work off a wristlock through an entire cruiserweight sequence, while Brock gets a triple powerbomb on Rhyno.

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It’s Charlie Haas at #11! Haas slams Shane into London, then kneedrops them both. Rhyno is nearly tossed by Brock, but slides back in. London and Haas duke it out as Brock and RVD trade punches in the corner. Rhyno gets a shoulder thrust on Shane in another turnbuckle, then superplexes him. London stops an elimination attempt by RVD by hitting a sliding punch. Shane crawls on Rhyno’s back, but Brock suplexes him off. Rhyno goes to Gore RVD, but Cena yanks him by the hair to stop him, then tosses Rhyno out of the match at 19:44. Shane and London attempt to take out Brock, while Haas tangles with RVD.

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It’s Eddie Guerrero at #12! Eddie enters a house of fire, slugging down anything that moves. Shane goes down, London goes down, RVD goes down, and Brock goes down. Haas charges but is caught, and Eddie throws Charlie out at 20:34. Shane and RVD tangle in the corner, while Brock presses London over his head. Eddie spears Brock, then pops back up and grabs London by the hair. London is disposed of at 21:07. RVD begins punching Eddie from behind, while Shane sticks and moves on Brock. Shane and RVD try to double-team Brock, but he suplexes both by himself. Eddie dropkicks Brock into a Shane suplex.

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It’s Booker T at #13! Booker charges the ring and attacks Shane in the corner. Eddie and RVD trade blows, while Brock enjoys a breather. Brock then charges RVD and begins tossing him around, allowing Eddie to sit on the top turnbuckle and ponder. Booker doubles Shane over and hits the axe kick, then notices no one sees him. He delivers a Spinarooni, but that goes straight into an Eddie clothesline. Brock is unable to toss RVD, so he pounds on Booker instead. RVD flapjacks Shane, then kicks away at Eddie. RVD and Shane try to toss Brock, but to no avail. Booker and Eddie trade chops in the corner.

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It’s Road Dogg at #14! Road Dogg starts punching away at RVD, staggering him long enough to get funky. Booker spinebusters Shane as Eddie and Brock go at it. Everyone gathers in an attempt to toss Brock, but he shoves them all off. Road Dogg gets a DDT on Shane, then tries a pumphandle on Eddie, only to have Eddie reverse to a bodypress. Brock tosses Shane around for a while, then gets bored and beats on Booker. RVD nails Road Dogg with a chairshot, but Shane grabs the chair and tosses it outside. Eddie sneaks up on Booker and gets the rolling vertical suplexes. Brock F-5s Road Dogg for the hell of it.

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It’s Shelton Benjamin at #15! He goes after Cena (remember him?) while Road Dogg and Shane slug it out in the corner. Road Dogg rolls to the outside, but when Shane follows, Road Dogg blows "smoke" (gray mist) into his face. Back in the ring, RVD attacks Road Dogg while Shane staggers straight into an F-U. Booker and Eddie trade punches, and Eddie goes for the Gory Special, only to have Booker slip out of it and get a hangman’s neckbreaker. Cena spears down Brock while Road Dogg hits a shaky-legs kneedrop on Shane. Eddie sneaks to the top rope and scores a flying elbowsmash on Brock, who falls on top of Booker.

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It’s Undertaker at #16! He rides in on his Harley as the action stops in the ring. Everyone attacks Taker, but he starts shrugging people off. Road Dogg is gone at 28:24. John Cena follows at 28:33. Taker took them both out, then gets a Dragon Sleeper on Shane. Shelton hits him from behind, but Taker merely turns around and throws Shelton out as well at 29:17. Brock charges Taker, and the two giants slug it out. Eddie and Booker hit each other with a double clothesline. Shane comes out of hiding and dropkicks RVD in the back of the head. Brock tries to dump Taker, but Taker hangs on.

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It’s Nova at #17! Nova dropkicks RVD as an ECW chant starts. Booker fights with Taker on the turnbuckle, but as Booker goes for ten punches, Taker disposes of Booker at 30:27. Shane hits Brock with a rana, while Nova gets hit with the stepover enzuigiri by RVD. He staggers straight into a goozle by the Undertaker, who chokeslams him. Booker T is just getting up on the outside, so Undertaker powerbombs Nova over the top at 31:15. Thankfully, Booker catches him. Undertaker charges Eddie and beats him down to the ground, then sets up the Last Ride. However, Eddie ranas Taker right out of the ring at 31:48!

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It’s Bubba Ray Dudley at #18! Bubba enters the ring and begins elbowing RVD, hitting the old Flip Flop and Fly on him. Shane and Eddie take turns having their shots no-sold by Brock. RVD and Eddie get a drop toehold on Shane, then hit stereo Rolling Thunder / slingshot senton drops on him. Brock pounds on Bubba in the corner, but his elimination attempt is thwarted. Shane rolls outside to take a breather, while RVD and Eddie tumble around on the mat in what would normally result in a pinfall reversal sequence. The referees tell Shane to return to the ring, where he’s met by a big elbow from Bubba and an overhead suplex from Brock.

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It’s Batista at #19! Batista charges and helps Shane take down Brock for a while. Eddie and RVD attempt to eliminate each other, and both take turns going over the top and back in. Bubba gets F-5ed by Brock, so RVD and Eddie climb side by side corners and hit Frog Splashes on him. Evolution pounds away at Bubba on the ground, as Batista hits RVD with a spinebuster. Eddie gets the El Paso Lasso on Shane, but Bubba breaks in order to Bubba Bomb Eddie. Batista and Brock square off as Eddie rolls outside and removes the lead pipe from the Undertaker’s bike. He brings it in and hits people at random with it as RVD kicks Batista down.

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It’s Randy Orton at #20! All three members of Evolution instantly gang up on Brock. RVD and Bubba battle in the corner, while Eddie takes a rest in the corner. Shane superkicks Brock, who staggers right into a sit-out powerbomb from Batista. Batista picks Brock up, and Orton adds the RKO. All three Evolution members drag him over, and Orton does the honors, sending Brock packing at 37:14. Bubba picks off Shane, while Eddie tangles with Orton and RVD fights Batista. Evolution gets hit with a triple clothesline by the faces, but Orton bounces back up and gets the Play of the Day on Bubba. RVD spinkicks Shane down.

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It’s Hurricane at #21! Hurricane springboards into the action, bowling over Bubba, Batista, and Orton all at once. RVD and Eddie battle in the corner, where Eddie gets a Tornado DDT. Shane and Hurricane have a cruiserweight sequence, while Bubba tries to keep Batista and Orton at bay at once. It fails miserably, as irony strikes and the tag champs give Bubba a version of 3-D. Eddie German suplexes Hurricane from behind, as Shane and Orton have a miscommunication and nearly come to blows. Batista calms things down, and Evolution takes its frustrations out on RVD and Bubba. Hurricane lands a Shining Wizard to Eddie’s face.

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It’s Ron Killings at #22! Killings slides into the ring and pairs off with Eddie, as Shane fights Hurricane, Batista fights Bubba, and Orton fights RVD. All four men are in separate corners, and Bubba/RVD/Hurricane whip Evolution into each other all at once. Eddie sends Killings flying into the group to knock them all down. Hurricane poses, so RVD dumps Hurricane from behind at 41:11. Hurricane stares at him, but RVD shrugs as Killings attacks from behind. Killings lands a clothesline on RVD, then breakdances straight into a lariat from Batista. Eddie gets a Diamond Dust on Orton in the corner, and RVD crossbodies Shane.

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It’s Shawn Michaels at #23! Superkicks abound, as all seven men receive them. First RVD, then Eddie, then Batista, then Shane, then Orton, then Bubba, then Killings, who flies out upon getting his at 42:33. HBK poses in the ring for a while, then seeks out his nephew, but Evolution attacks in a group. Bubba and RVD slowly recover and punch each other. Eddie nips back up, then suplexes HBK, Shane, and Orton in a row before Batista clotheslines him down. RVD gives Bubba a monkey flip, then punches away. Orton rests on the outside for a few seconds, then returns to DDT HBK. Shane and Eddie fly all over the place.

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It’s D-Von Dudley at #24! Bubba takes advantage by slamming Orton, and D-Von enters via giving him the Wazzup Headbutt. HBK does a rana on Eddie, who returns the favor. RVD flapjacks Batista, while the Dudley Boyz hit 3-D on RVD. Van Dam is dead weight, so both Dudleyz combine and eject RVD at 44:58. Eddie and D-Von battle in the corner, while HBK and Bubba go at it. HBK and Eddie whip the Dudleyz together, but D-Von slams on the breaks and grabs HBK for a 3-D. Meanwhile, Evolution sit and watch. Eddie ranas Bubba into the El Paso Lasso, but D-Von breaks it up. Evolution hear the countdown and face the ramp.

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It’s Triple H at #25! He storms to the ring as Evolution prepare to meet him head-on. HHH is a man possessed though, as he sends Michael Shane packing at 46:17. Both tag champs get facebusters, then Batista is tossed out at 46:44. Orton tries his luck, but Eddie cuts off the RKO. HHH hits the Pedigree and tosses Orton out at 47:09. With the slaughter of Evolution complete, HHH turns his attention to HBK, as the two beat each other down in the corner. Eddie tries to fend off both Dudleyz at once. This goes poorly for him, as they give him the Wazzup Drop. D-Von performs Last Rites, and Bubba tells him to get the tables, but the referees stop that from happening as D-Von is shoved back in.

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It’s Konnan at #26! Konnan and Eddie team up against the Dudleyz, and hit stereo clotheslines to knock them down. HHH sends a kneelift to Konnan to stop La Raza’s momentum, but Eddie pounds away at HHH. HBK is up and pounding on D-Von, while Bubba finds Konnan and Bubba Bombs him. Konnan blocks a second try with a mule kick, then hits a rolling clothesline and slaps on the Tequila Sunrise. HBK and HHH kick away in the corner, while D-Von attacks Eddie with an inverted DDT. Konnan release the Tequila Sunrise and tries to toss Bubba, but he’s 300 pounds of dead weight. D-Von makes the save and brawls with Konnan.

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It’s Molly Holly at #27! She slowly slides into the ring and tries to look for an opening, clearly uncertain where to begin. Eddie and HBK double-team HHH, while the Dudleyz try to toss Konnan. Molly climbs to the top rope and hits Eddie with a rana, then clips HHH from behind. Eddie and HHH chase Molly, but HHH runs straight into 3-D from Konnan and Bubba. Konnan hits Eddie with a Stunner for good measure, but can’t get him out. HBK spots Molly and wrestles her to the ground, then works the arm. Bubba Ray gets Flip Flop and Fly on HHH, while D-Von and Konnan brawl in the corner. Molly wiggles out of HBK’s armbar.

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It’s Rodney Mack at #28! Mack hits the ring and stares down Molly, which leaves him open to a suplex from Konnan. HBK slams down HHH, then drops an elbow. Everyone pairs off: Eddie with Bubba, D-Von with Konnan, HBK with Molly, and Mack with HHH. Eddie and Konnan whip the Dudleyz into each other, but D-Von leapfrogs Bubba and clotheslines Eddie. HHH tries to thrust kick Molly, but she ducks and HBK gets it. Molly then climbs and gets the Molly-Go-Round on Mack. The Dudleyz charge HBK and Eddie, but both men backdrop them. Bubba's out at 53:42. D-Von follows him at 53:44. Molly hides from HHH.

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It’s Nathan Jones at #29! Making his WWE return, Jones charges the ring and pounds on anything that moves. HBK tries to attack from behind, but Jones just piefaces him down. Konnan makes the next attempt, but Jones grabs Konnan by the pants and throws him around. Jones then ends Konnan's night at 54:48. Molly cowers in fear in the corner, so Mack takes advantage by hitting her with the Blackout. Jones rips Mack off of Molly and javelins him to the floor and out at 55:22. HHH clips Jones, but that barely slows him down. A superkick, though, finally ends his momentum. Molly tries to hit Eddie with a dropkick.

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It’s Billy Kidman at #30! We reach the match beyond with Eddie, HBK, HHH, Molly, Jones, and Kidman. Kidman gets between Molly and Jones, so Jones throws him aside. Molly tries to forearm Jones, but Jones just smiles. HBK and Eddie bounce off of HHH repeatedly, while Molly crawls out of the ring. Jones follows her and throws her back in, then follows. Kidman grabs Jones from behind for a DDT, but Jones simply tosses Kidman over his head. HBK saves Molly from certain doom by whipping her into the turnbuckle. He then tries to rana Jones, but Jones simply swings HBK aside onto his back. Jones sees Molly pulling herself up in the ropes and charges, but Molly ducks and pulls the top rope down, allowing her to send Jones tumbling over the top and inexplicably out at 58:14. The fun is short-lived, though, as HHH tosses Molly at 58:19. Molly runs to the back, being chased by Jones, as Eddie, HBK, HHH, and Kidman are your Final Four.

HHH and Kidman pair off, as do HBK and Eddie. HHH uses a gutwrench suplex on Kidman, while HBK and Eddie trade chops. Kidman shoves HHH aside and leaps up for a rana, but HHH catches him and tries a powerbomb, which goes as well as you’d expect for him. Kidman charges HBK, but HBK is ready and drop toeholds Kidman into Eddie, sending them both tumbling. HHH tries a Pedigree on HBK, but HBK backdrops him out of it onto the apron. HHH returns back in and smashes HBK’s head into the turnbuckle. Eddie hits a brainbuster on Kidman, but the slingshot senton misses. Kidman gets a rana and a headscissors on Eddie. HHH tries to toss Eddie, who goes over and back in. HBK and Kidman pair off, as Kidman gets a clothesline on HBK. HBK responds with a flapjack, but his bodyslam is slid out of by Kidman into the Unprettier. Kidman drags HBK over to the corner and climbs the turnbuckle, but Eddie sees this and charges. Eddie manages to shove Kidman off and out at 62:04, getting Kidman fourth place.

Eddie stares at Kidman, who is slow to get up, so HHH tries to toss him. Eddie blocks it with a mule kick and a low blow. HBK and HHH square off as HBK gets a flying forearm on HHH. Eddie gets a camel clutch on HHH, so HBK dropkicks first HHH, then Eddie. Eddie charges HBK, knocking him over with a shoulderblock and adding a kneedrop. HHH gives Eddie a kneelift, then poses over HBK -- a mistake, since HBK then trips HHH and applies an STF. Eddie stomps away at HHH’s head, then forces HBK to break. Eddie and HBK try to toss HHH, but he gets backfists on both men. Both men get facecrushers, but as HHH tries to charge Eddie, Eddie gets a calf kick, showing he was faking. Eddie pounds HHH into the ropes, then whips him across and scores a running DDT. HBK tunes up the band as Eddie celebrates, but Eddie hears it and ducks out of the way. Unfortunately, HBK anticipates this and pulls up, but Eddie spins him around and goes for a DDT, landing it. HHH grabs Eddie from behind and delivers a full nelson slam, but HBK nails HHH with a superkick. HBK then charges Eddie in the corner, but Eddie catches him and HBK takes the Holy Shit bump to the floor and out at 65:45, forcing him to settle for third.

Eddie slumps in the corner as HHH approaches and kicks him down. HHH tries for a slam, but Eddie armdrags out of it. Eddie tries a rana, but HHH shoves him off. Eddie lands hard on his head as HHH walks over and picks him up. Eddie low blows HHH, then whips him into the corner and does the 10 punch count along, followed by a monkey flip. Eddie signals for the Frog Splash, but HHH cuts him off with a kneesmash. HHH tries for the Pedigree, but Eddie backdrops over the top, but only onto the apron. HHH then grabs Eddie and yanks him out of the ring at 67:38!!

"Here is the winner of the 2004 Royal Rumble, Triple H!"

Eddie lies prone on the outside with nothing to show for his second place finish. Even though he lasted the longest at over 47 minutes and he eliminated more people than anyone else with six, he has only his pride. It is HHH who has defied the odds and won the Royal Rumble. HHH’s date with Kane is set for WrestleMania as we roll the credits and end the show.