Most Bizarre Sports Entertainment League

[RPS]

TNA AGAINST ALL ODDS

I loved watching all of the fans line up. I loved all of the wrestlers getting ready for the event. It almost made me feel like it was all worth it. The ring was set up, the staff were ready to go, everyone was just waiting for me. In my office, Candace was looking for a quickie. I dismissed her and told her that I needed to go out there and get business done.

I got all of the wrestlers and staff gathered. It was time to lay the ground-work for the show. It was the moment we all had been waiting for. I was going to put it all on the line and was going to prove myself tonight.

“The show is cancelled, none of you get paid. Someone tell the fans.”

I returned to my office with a smile on my face. I slammed the door shut and ignored the knocks on the door. Some angry screams can from behind the door. Most of them were the staff, some of them were the wrestlers who were already pissed at me. Fuck them, I said to Candace as we French-kissed. My job was to burn this mother-fucking company to the ground. And there was no chance in hell I was going to let it be successful.

She does some more coke, she does some more coke, and she smokes some dope. She thinks she is a star… she thinks she is a star.

The staff kept persisting with the knocks. Over and over again, it felt like I could never escape the knocks. I got off top of Candace and swung the door open. There was over a dozen staff members complaining about showing up for the show.

“Fuck you,” I cursed at the mob and they silenced, “I don’t fucking have time for all of this god-damn shit. Fuck you cunts. You are all fucking fired. Get the hell out of my building.”

I slammed the door shut and began to laugh hysterically. It was at that moment I realized TNA was becoming a drag in my life. Well, at least I got my old Sonic Youth tapes lying around. Here, here to indie rock and cocaine.

WRESTLING NEWSLETTER

TIT DEAD?; CHRIS FLARE MISSING IN ACTION.

March 1st

You aren’t the only one to notice that TIT hasn’t really been doing anything lately. Despite the fact they posted positive financial numbers this month [amazingly, since they have been throwing money left and right], it seems as though nothing is going down. Shows are canceling, wrestlers are angry and it is a risky product. All because of the man who is going to “save” TIT, Chris Flare.

This wouldn’t be much of a new story if there weren’t any dirt. So here is the dirt… Chris Flare has gone missing. AWOL! Him and his girlfriend Candace, who was hired by Flare, have been missing for almost two weeks. Apparently Flare is quite the “party animal” and allegedly has a troubled drug past. No one is quite sure as to when he is coming back, but many are crossing their fingers and hoping soon.

Why are many hoping soon? Well, TIT may be far from perfect, but without him legally shows cannot be run. Chris Flare has an extensive contract with TIT making sure that he will be with the company for years to come and that he cannot be fired. Shows cannot operate with the go-ahead of Chris Flare, who has more power than Dixie Carter and Jerry Jarrett at this stage.

AJ Styles said in a candid interview that he hated Chris Flare and that he didn’t like the direction of the company.

“It is almost as if we have become a parody of wrestling,” Styles said, “Viscera and Mideon aren’t good wrestlers. Jack Evans and AJ Styles are, but we don’t seem to get a break. The pay-check isn’t worth the humiliation.”

Chris Flare apparently doesn’t care much for AJ Styles either. Many backstage have heard Chris Flare utter defaming phrases against AJ Styles. More to prove, in the 5 shows run by Chris Flare, AJ Styles has yet to win.

Many are calling this bold and uneducated decision of putting Chris Flare in power the death of TIT. Are they correct? If and when Chris Flare returns from his “binge” we will see if he is serious about running the promotion to success. If not, the WWE has yet another monopoly on the wrestling world.

[RPS]

Hey, come out and play. It is March the 4th. I have returned from the longest binge I have ever had. For three days I couldn’t stand. My head will never be the same after… well, it was fun.

Well TIT, didn’t lose money, but with all of the shows being cancelled, we are in negative numbers now. But don’t worry, we got another fucking television show. How fucking stupid, eh? Our product visibly sucks, but I guess Playboy Television likes the idea of having NWA-TIT [hahaha] on their station. I guess there will be some more TNA in TIT. I have decided the show will be called TIT Fucking Television on Playboy Television. It’ll be fun for the whole family.

Our product isn’t risky enough. I have taken steps to improve that. We are now going to be running the promotion with a risky level of 100%. It will help us get noticed by the blood sport fans who thrive off that kind of shit. Maybe we can have a barbed wire match between Konnan and Mike Tyson?

Sophie was surprised to see me. I was surprised to see her. I nearly got hard, but I controlled my hormones. She told me right away, “a lot of people aren’t happy, Chris. And I am not happy.”

I grabbed Sophie by the throat and shoved her up against the wall she yelled for help, but I clenched harder on her throat and until she couldn’t speak, “bitch. I bet you think I am fucking crazy. I bet you think I am out of my head. Well, bitch, I ain’t. I just do a lot of coke. It is hell of a drug. Impact is tonight… right?”

Sophie opened her mouth to speak, but I interrupted her, “don’t speak. Nod your god-damn head bitch before I slit your throat.”

She nodded her head yes. “Well, put the fucking show together, because I ain’t got my shit together to be running any shows.”

I slapped her across the cheek and pointed her out of my office. Come out and play.

My business plan from here on is simple. Lose as much money as possible. Kill the TNA fan-base as quick as possible. Hire as many wrestlers you can. Give TNA one of the worst names in the wrestling business. People are going to be fearful when they their agent tells them TNA are interested in hiring them.

I sat in my office, punching the numbers into the calculator, when AJ Styles busted in with an anger spilling out from every pore. I looked up and saw the eyes of my nemesis, and I dropped the pen in my right hand.

“Hey! Man you disrespecting me? Shut your mouth.” I stated towards AJ Styles. Somewhere in the back of my head, some voice said you got to keep them separated. And than a little surf guitar. Or maybe that was some weird vision-quest I had.

“Man, you talking back to me? Shut your mouth!” AJ Styles replied back towards me. I wanted to say, keep them separated and pick up a surf guitar, but instead I stood up from my desk and was about to shout at AJ Styles, but instead I sat back down. I knew that perhaps getting in a fight with AJ Styles wasn’t a good idea. He was of course phenomenal. He might hit me with the Styles Clash, and the only Clash I liked made white riots, “what in the world happened to you?”

“I’d try to explain, but you just wouldn’t understand.”

AJ Styles proceeded to leave my office after we had just created a very offspring conversation, if you catch my drift. NWA-TIT was still coming up and I had to book the show.

Well, one thing is for sure.

AJ Styles and Jack Evans are losing to Doink the Clown.

TIT XPLOSION

DDP, MARC MARO & RON KILLINGS beat KEVIN NASH, MICHAEL SHANE & RAVEN

DDP and Kevin Nash, the two team leaders, stick to the outside as their team-members get some offense in. Michael Shane gets tossed around by Marc Mero, and Raven evens the odds by brawling around with Mero. The finish of the match came at the 6 minute mark, when DDP snuck in the ring and dropped Michael Shane with a Diamond Cutter and Ron Killings covered for the three count. Kevin Nash never legally entered the match and he goes ballistic, swearing about the communist revolution.

WINNER: Diamond Dallas Page, Marc Maro and Ron Killings

OVERAL RATING: 68%

COMMERICIAL BREAK

DOINK THE CLOWN versus AJ STYLES, JACK EVANS

Incredible contest displayed for the fans. AJ Styles and Jack Evans are pretty much subdued by the antics of Doink the Clown. AJ Styles goes for an Irish Whip… but DOINK SHOCKS his HAND. Hahahahahaha. Jack Evans goes for a belly to belly, but Doink sprays him with his FLOWER. Hahahahaha. Doink The Clown knocks both men down with fists to the face, he climbs to the top and hits a Whoopey Cushion on AJ Styles for the victory. Amazing.

WINNER: Doink The Clown

OVERAL RATING: 59%

COMMERICIAL BREAK

Bill Goldberg comes down to the ring, but Kevin Nash stops him midway with a cement truck. Bill Goldberg curses at the truck and calls him a drum set. Kevin Nash throws Goldberg into the truck and than throws him to the ground. Kevin Nash proceeds to dump the concrete on Goldberg, perhaps killing him.

SEGMENT RATING: 83%

X-DIVISION MATCH

MIDEON defeated JEFF JARRETT

Astounding match-up that consists of Jeff Jarrett going for the Stroke, but Mideon reversing it and than rolling up Jarrett for the 1…

2…..

33333! Mideon is your NEW X-Division Champion folks. Be proud.

WINNER: Mideon

OVERAL RATING: 44%

COMMERICIAL BREAK

NWA-TIT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

VISCERA defeated LEX LUGER

Back and forth contest. Luger hits the Bionic Forearm! But that just rocks Viscera. Luger hits another and Viscera is going to hit the match. Luger goes for the third time, but Viscera just falls down onto him. Viscera gets to his feet and he CRUSHES Luger with the Big Splash. 1-2-3! New TIT Champion, Viscera. He grabs the belt and we have TWO double champions in the Ministry of Darkness. Do they rule the Universe?

WINNER: Viscera

OVERAL RATING: 47%

I got an email saying that TNA Xplosion and Impact were being dropped due to the increasing risky behavior of the show. I guess the idea of having an Abortion doctor was a BAD IDEA. Furthermore, we lost all of our sponsors. Ouch. And there are no SPONSORS left. They are all taken OR we are too risky for them. Bull-shit. TNA is amazing, you sons of bitches. Apparently my leadership has made AJ Styles suicidal too. He has won’t a single match that I have booked.

Well, we lost two television shows, but I still get paid the same amount. And you know the beauty of it all? I have less work to do. Hahahaha. Take that TNA fans.

Edited March 26, 2005 by PunkRockPete

[RPS]

What a weird fucking world we live in.

“Hey Chris, it’s me Dallas.” The phone message began. It was the start to every band phone message I had ever received. Dallas Darke introducing himself. It was a phone call I had tried to avoid numerous times in my life.

“I am out of money.”

That bit caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting him to lose all of the money so suddenly. It had been only a month since receiving the money and he had already managed to blow the money for the new wrestling company away. How predictable.

“I had to pay off some guy… someone who … well, let them remain nameless. I owe them a few favors too.”

Favors, favors, favors. That is how the world gets so fucked up. One person owes another person a favor. And than that person owes another person a favor. And than we all end up getting fucked over in the end because another guy fucks us over, which causes for another favor. End the fucking favors.

“Chris… I know … we aren’t always the best of friends, man. I know, sometimes we fight and than you disappear. You are kind of like my little brother, Caleb. We always fight and he always runs away. And I am left to clean up the mess. Chris, I am in a mess. A huge mess. Too many people know about the kid. Too many people and I paid them off.”

The message was getting awfully long, I felt tempted to hang up the phone. Perhaps turn around the company I had tried to drive into the ground.

“And you probably don’t want to help me out anymore. I’ve fucked you around one too many times and you just want to give up. Well, Chris, your closet ain’t clean. I know about your coke addiction. And I need your fucking help and if you aren’t going to help me, I’ll use black mail. Don’t let it come to that Chris.”

God-damn Dallas the cunt.

“I need TNA to go down soon. I gave this guy a favor… he is going to wrestle for the new promotion I got coming. I just need to free up some funds. Well anyway, kill the company sooner than expected. Three weeks? Drive it into the ground, Flare. Or else your ass is mine.”

The phone clicked and it was all over. Slowly I found that this wasn’t Dallas Darke’s crime anymore. It was my crime. I helped him get rid of the corpse. I didn’t narq on him. I was killing off a wrestling company on purpose to help make room for his wrestling company he was utilizing to appease someone who gained wind of the murder. What the hell was I doing?

I have the chance to grab TNA by the horns and let it succeed. I have the ability to alter destiny, the Dallas destiny. I’ve hated the cunt since the day he came out of his mom’s womb and now I’ve got the ability to vocalize the hatred deep within my soul. Perhaps this won’t be Flare kills TNA… but rather Flare SAVES TNA?

There comes a time in every man’s life where he must define himself. He will not be led astray by the sheep, he will break free and proclaim his individualism. Hey, hey Dallas Darke how many children did you kill today? Heck, I could even come forth and tell the cops of everything Dallas Darke has done and get off scotch free.

Perhaps there is a new path in this strange universe we’ve got going?

…

Nah, I’ll just kill the mother fucker and keep snorting cocaine with other people’s money.

I signed CM Punk to a written contract worth 300,000$. Is he worth the money? No. But you know what is worth the money. Watching his career fall away from him, just like AJ Styles. Oh, sorry CM Punk you are a little bitch and so is your fan. Get over yourself you straight edge cunt.

I rose the ticket prices for 100$ for each type of show. PPV, House Show and Television show. Since we don’t have ANY sponsors, it is probably the only way we can make money. A great, great way to make money. We have a core fan-base who will show up to the events no matter what.

TIT FUCKING TELEVISION

Well, there is a good story about that. TIT Fucking Television... well I think we got raped on the deal. That Sophie slut gave us a BAD deal with them. And I wasn’t willingly to put MY wrestlers on that shit station for the deal they were giving us.

So I broke the deal with Playboy Television. And apparently that got us sued 20,000,000$ dollars. Money which we don’t have, because we are already in debt. But in our defense, we have a PPV coming up on the 20th of March called Destination X. And I sent promo tapes of the promotion out… to Playboy Television, the television station that is suing us. I think they will wake up to the mistake they make and gave us a better contract, perhaps drop the law-suit?

Wow, are we ever in debt.

20,851,205$ in debt.

That is a lot of money.

I tried to take a loan out, but the bank declined. They said I was unreliable. Well, fuck them up their stupid asses. I’ll show them. We are going to put on the best show for the Destination X. It’ll be like the Holocaust all over again, except for this time you can laugh and not feel so bad.

Edited March 29, 2005 by PunkRockPete

[RPS]

Ernest Miller married Jerry Jarrett’s daughter after a whirlwind of romances. He is know UNSACKABLE and has CREATIVE control. Superb.

We held a fan-festival before the PPV and man was it a smash. Not really, but you know what, I really could care less. We give our cult fan base what they want and we give it better than that other shit.

And to be honest, I really didn’t watch the show. I was called up by Jerry Jarrett and Dixie Carter, they told me they had some very important news.

About this time I kind of realized that I might not have this cushy job anymore.

NWA-TIT DESTINATION X

NWA-TIT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

THE MINISTRY OF DARKNESS versus AJ STYLES & CM PUNK

A squash match that was used to hype up the great-tag team efforts of Ministry of Darkness. Viscera wins the match with a Big Splash.

WINNER: The Ministry of Darkness

OVERAL RATING: 57%

CROWD REACTION: 58%

MATCH QUALITY: 70%

ROAD AGENT REPORT: AJ Styles was sluggish and didn't put much effort in. AJ Styles lost 1 point of overness from this match. CM Punk lost 1 point of overness from this match. Viscera gained 1 point of overness from this match. Mideon gained 2 points of overness from this match.

BILL GOLDBERG versus KEVIN NASH

A ten minute stare-down ended with Kevin Nash delivering a huge jack knife power bomb. But Goldberg got to his feet and speared Kevin Nash. Than the Goldberg Jack hammered him.

WINNER: Bill Goldberg

OVERAL RATING: 72%

CROWD REACTION: 82%

MATCH QUALITY: 77%

ROAD AGENT REPORT: Kevin Nash lost 5 points of overness from this feud ending. Bill Goldberg lost 5 points of overness from this feud ending.

JOANIE LAURIER versus TEST

The former girl known as Chyna got beaten by Test after he delivered the Big Boot. Sean Waltman tried to interfere, but Test ran through the crowd.

WINNER: Test

OVERAL RATING: 60%

CROWD REACTION: 71%

MATCH QUALITY: 60%

ROAD AGENT REPORT: Joanie Laurer lost 5 points of overness from this feud ending. Test lost 1 point of overness from this feud ending.

CANDACE defeated AJ STYLES, LUNA VACHON & GANGREL

My girlfriend managed to win a heated 4 way dance that ended with AJ Styles going for a Styles Clash on Gangrel, but he got slapped by Candance and she got the 1-2-3!

WINNER: Candice

OVERAL RATING: 45%

CROWD REACTION: 52%

MATCH QUALITY: 52%

ROAD AGENT REPORT: AJ Styles was sluggish and didn't put much effort in.

NWA-TIT X DIVISION MATCH

GENE SNITSKY defeated KEVIN NASH, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, MIDEON

Well, Gene Snitsky did it this time. And boy did he do it. He went up against the biggest and baddest in the wrestling business and was victorious.

WINNER: Gene Snitsky

OVERAL RATING: 56%

CROWD REACTION: 57%

MATCH QUALITY: 69%

ROAD AGENT REPORT: Gene Snitsky debuted his new gimmick. Gene Snitsky is losing overness because of his weak gimmick.

NWA-TIT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

ERNEST MILLER defeated ULTIMATE WARRIOR, VISCERA, SHARK BOY

A great affair that was there to show off the Ultimate Warrior and Ernest Miller. There was definitely a tension between the two. Ernest Miller won the match by rolling up Viscera to become the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion!

WINNER: Ernest Miller

OVERAL RATING: 52%

CROWD REACTION: 55%

MATCH QUALITY: 62%

ROAD AGENT REPORT: The NWA World Heavyweight title has lost image.

OVERAL RATING: 57%

ATTENDANCE: 336

BUYRATE: 0.41

I got a message from Sophie in my message box the day after the PPV. Apparently Sir Mo’s behavior was disturbing many backstage. I tried to remember who the fuck Sir Mo was and why I hired him. I couldn’t remember, so I decided just to ignore the message. He hadn’t been on a single card and he wasn’t going to be… unless…

Bill Goldberg was also quite angry about the short feud he had with Kevin Nash. Fuck him. Sting wants a match with Ultimate Warrior. Fuck him. Fuck them all. I hate wrestling and wrestling hates me.

I decided to sign Randy Savage to a contract, which royally pissed off Lex Luger. But remember, Lex Luger is so passe. He is a Three Time TIT Champion and we realize that. But we must also remember Randy Savage is a legit rapper and we love RAPPERS.

Edited April 4, 2005 by PunkRockPete

[RPS]

NWA-TITAN IMPACT TOTALLY GOES BANKRUPT

NWA-TIT today went out of business due to financial problems. The company has been having problems with cash flow for quite some time and many blame this on the inability of general manager Chris Flare to handle internal affairs. More news as we get it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT ‘SHUT-DOWN’

According to sources close to the WWE, something is bad is brewing on the horizons. The F.B.I moments ago shut down the WWE headquarters, WWE.com. Sources very close to the story have been quoted as saying many head officials within the WWE, namely the McMahon family, have been detained for further questioning.

This is a very bad time for wrestling fans, as it was just MOMENTS ago that we learnt the newly fronted NWA-TIT went bankrupt. This came after Playboy Television sued them for 20 million dollars for preaching a television contract they had signed. One can only wonder about the current state of wrestling within North America. More news as we get it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PunkRockPete was sitting on the couch in a relaxing pose, puffing on a cigarette. Dallas Darke sat with a cup of scotch in his not so professional desk. Chris Flare was absent, but his presence felt.

DALLAS DARKE: “PunkRockPete. How long has …”

PUNKROCKPETE: “Dallas, cut the bull-shit, you know why I am here.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Do I ever, Pete. I know why you are here. The WWE. That was you, all you. Vince getting arrested, and a few of the talent. That was all you.”

PUNKROCKPETE: “Absolutely. Well, not all me. Vince McMahon is a bastard. He is going to prison with all of the shit we have on him.”

DALLAS DARKE: “We as in… who?”

PUNKROCKPETE: “The F.B.I. and the Federal government. We could probably put him on death row. And a few of the WWE talent. We could have them all murdered if we pleased.”

Dallas Darke took in the news. The rumors were true. The WWE and Vince McMahon were guilty of treason. Dallas wasn’t quite sure on how all of the pieces fell in together. But he knew they did.

DALLAS DARKE: “What did Vince do?”

PUNKROCKPETE: “Well, Vince and the boys went over to Iraq. But they weren’t just in Iraq for entertainment. They were reporting to Al Queda. They were ratting out the military on their plans. They utilized a few of the wrestlers too. Big Show, John Cena, Rob Van Dam. All of their asses… fired. A lot of the staff were involved too. Camera men, you know? Simple run of the mill type guys turned bad by Vince.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Holy shit, that is deep.”

PUNKROCKPETE: “You’d better believe it is deep. Man, the WWE is dead. And me… well, lets just say I got what was coming to me.”

DALLAS DARKE: “What do you mean what was coming to “you”?”

PUNKROCKPETE: “The US government pays me well. 200 million for this one deal alone. Been working on it for two years. Put everything on hold, everything on the line. And it paid off, because I killed two birds with one stone, Dal.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Two birds with one stone, eh?”

PUNKROCKPETE: “I am looking to open up a wrestling promotion. And I’ve got the money, boy. I’ve got some serious hard cash. Only problem is, it would look fishy if I was somehow associated with this wrestling promotion. The feds might think it was all a set-up, you know? But just think about it, we could utilize all of the wrestling talent in the world.”

DALLAS DARKE: “With all due respect, Pete, I am sick and tired of seeing those washed up has-beens on television. I’ve got a different idea.”

Dallas proceed to explain to PunkRockPete his business plan, an elegant plan that would perhaps revolutionize the wrestling world.

DALLAS DARKE: “You like it?”

PUNKROCKPETE: “Dallas, it is amazing. No one will see it coming.”

The two continued forth, talking into the night, scheming away at what they could and would accomplish as two men with 200 million dollars. Perhaps one of the greatest wrestling promotions in the world, with the prospect of starting over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was full of people. Stone Cold Steve Austin was there. Triple H was there. Heck, even Hulk Hogan was there with his walker in hand. AJ Styles, a TNA regular was there wanting to sign onto the new big leagues. They were all willingly and ready to hear about the revolutionary idea they had heard so much about on the dirt-sheets and from their agents.

DALLAS DARKE: “Settle down, now. I am Dallas Darke. I have offered all of your agents good contracts. For all of you, it will be a major pay increase. I encourage you all to sign it.”

THE ROCK: “The Rock says that he doesn’t even know who the hell you are!”

DALLAS DARKE: “That is fine. My name is Dallas Darke. I am the genius behind my newest wrestling promotion which will be called…”

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN: “WHAT?!?”

DALLAS DARKE: “Alright, just calm down, guys. This is important. My new wrestling promotion will be called…”

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN: “WHAT?!?”

DALLAS DARKE: “Whatever. The promotion will be called Ghost Band Wrestling League. GBWL. We’ve got lots of prospects for the future, PPV’s and television shows on the horizon. I guarantee you my full support in getting this promotion off the ground. Your contracts will be pretty hefty, 400,000$ per year, for twenty years. All expenses paid for to arrive at shows. . There will be no releases and no firings, you will all have jobs for t least twenty years. And it will be non-restrictive in your appearances outside of the wrestling business, you just can’t work for other wrestling promotions.”

Everyone seemed content. And I mean everyone. It sounded like gold to just about everybody. Even poor John Cena, who hadn’t rapped in a long time. Kid Kash wanted to sign up immediately. HHH was so damn excited he nearly used creative control to hold everyone down. All of the wrestlers were quick to pick up their cellar phones and dial their agent up.

“Ghost Band Wrestling League is where I want to sign up.”

All of the wrestlers who were invited to attend the meeting signed their contracts. 8 million dollars over the span of twenty years? There didn’t seem to be a catch to the men and women who attended the meeting. And they could still appear in movies with their ring names, they just couldn’t wrestle for any promotion beside Ghost Band Wrestling League. Sweet deal.

DALLAS DARKE: “Ghost Band Wrestling League has officially opened it’s doors.”

Dallas Darke stated boldly at the press conference. All he heard was “click, click, click,” as the cameras went off. Dallas Darke tried to smile, but his eyes were blinded from flashes. Dallas Darke knew that today would be the shining moment of his illustrious career of independent wrestling on the fringe of the mainstream. And he was here know getting his picture taken by a whole lot of important people.

DALLAS DARKE: “With my new found source of finance and an opening due to recent global level wrestling federations closing, GBWL has the biggest names in the business. Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, the Rock, Abyss, Monty Brown, Triple H, Randy Savage, the Undertaker, Ric Flair, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Kurt Angle, AJ Styles, Jeff Jarrett, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho… anyone who is ANYONE is signed.”

Everyone seemed to gasp and more pictures were taken. Darke could secretly hear the scribbling of the notepads. The big names being announced, the idea of “Dream Matches”. Abyss vs. Kane, AJ Styles vs. Chris Benoit, Hulk Hogan vs. Steve Austin… they could all finally come true.

DALLAS DARKE: “They have all been signed to a prison sentence.”

There was a sudden silence from the audience. Nothing.

DALLAS DARKE: “That is right, a prison sentence for their careers. And you all got a life sentence of 25 YEARS.”

I could hear the murmurs at first, no-one knew what Dallas Darke was alluding to, but it had everyone pondering what he was talking about. A prison sentence? It was an unheard of analogy in a wrestling promotion.

DALLAS DARKE: “Ghost Band Wrestling League is a sham. Well, not a sham, because it is real. The contracts are real, the name is real. But it is a sham. I signed all of these talents to huge, long contracts with no escape from them so that I could lock them in. Forced to receive a paycheck from me and no-else. All the while, they don’t realize they won’t wrestle for … 25 years.”

Uh-oh, it was turning ugly. Their was shouting, their was still murmurs, but they were drowned out by the shouting. People were calling Dallas Darke an asshole, stating he was going to kill the business.

DALLAS DARKE: “Kill THE BUSINESS? Didn’t you sods already do that? Wrestling hasn’t been a profitable business in years. Fans don’t want to see Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit wrestle in a homoerotic, technical wrestling match for 42 hours. They want …”

Dallas hadn’t thought of a promotion name, but it was going to be bizarre and he wanted it to be centered around Sports Entertainment.

DALLAS DARKE: “Most Bizarre Sports Entertainment League.”

MBSEL, it definitely had a ring to it. It was something new and fresh the wrestling world had never seen. It was something that only a genius like Dallas Darke could think of on the spot like a rapper free-styling over some inane beat.

DALLAS DARKE: “It is the rebirth of wrestling as you know you it. Dead is the WWE and TNA, and their apparent stars who couldn’t draw a dime. Are you ready for the MBSEL wrestling revolution, folks? Because I am. And I am Dallas Darke, I am the business, I am the JESUS of WRESTLING. And I just saved all your asses, dying for your later days sins that killed wrestling.”

Instead of answering any more questions, Dallas Darke flipped the audience the bird and walked away. A few of the more passionate reporters tried to hop the barrier and fight Dallas Darke, but he was gone already. He was walking towards his limousine where PunkRockPete resided, wanting to talk about business.

DALLAS DARKE: “Pete, they ate it. They hate me.”

PUNKROCKPETE: “I hate you too, but I know how business works.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Speaking of business, I’ve been scouting the globe for the best the world has to offer in underrated talent. The guys who wrestle in barns for nickels and dimes and get spit on.”

PUNKROCKPETE: “The guys who will work for dirt cheap and appreciate it.”

DALLAS DARKE: “Precisely, and we can form them to be the biggest in the wrestling business. No one has ever heard of a guy named Triple L! Or a guy named… The Black Guy! We can make these men and women into stars, right before their very eyes. And they won’t know what hit them. We will set the bar.”

PUNKROCKPETE: “And I know you Dallas, you always include your… Clique. The Clique you formed in Canada, in the Darke Canadian Wrestling Association.”

Dallas had seemingly forgot about them in the whirlwind of all the events in the last few days. Dallas remembered Coby and Johnny Colorado, two brothers he had been friends with. The Duck and Nancy Catalogue, an odd cult pairing that was beloved by many. Robbie California was the guy who couldn’t wrestle a lick, but the fans loved him. There was a few others, those who had paraded around with Darke in Canada for almost a year busting their asses for the good of the promotion.

DALLAS DARKE: “Yeah, The Dallas Darke Collective. I remember them… I love those guys. For sure, they will be included.”

Dallas Darke realized that he had a lot to do, because in a month we would see the opening of perhaps the messiah of Wrestling… MBSEL. He had a lot of talking to do, a lot of wrestlers to sign and a lot of shows to plan.

OOC: THE END OF CHAPTER #2!

Running TNA straight into the ground wasn't very much fun, but TNA isn't much fun. Most 'wrestling' these days isn't very fun, so that is why I do it this way. Escapism and all of that fun wonderful psychological stuff.

So the start of Chapter #3... the return to MBSEL, DWA and IWA! Oh, boy. Will it ever make you laugh, cry, smile, yell, attack, do whatever the fuck you want. That is the intention of the diary, to illecit some sort of REACTION!

A little update. Dave's War - A Body Of Mass Destruction is slowly getting... done. Updates are slow, but the diary isn't very long. It is a fucking war between parts of someone's body. Combustible elements ahoy!

And well, there is a split in the mix between me and an another unnamed diary writer. Let's just say that it is awesome.

And once Dave's War - A Body Of Mass Destruction is finished, I'll probably start work on an unnamed diary. It won't be WWE, TNA or the indies, so allude away to what I could possibly be doing. I know what it is, but you don't. Hahaha.

Adios and get ready for Part #3...

[RPS]

Part #3: DANGER, DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE

D.W.A. DUCK YOU

The introduction for this week’s edition of Duck You is very elaborate. Lots of explosions and the such. And the opening video has lots of advertisements from Pepsi and Playstation. At the very end, Johnny Colorado shills converse shoes that nobody needs.

Out from the back first is the greatest rock band in D.W.A, Christ Love. Carlos Catholic preaches the word as Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band simply stares down a few of the fans. Carlos Catholic rolls in the ring and he gets quite the negative reaction. Carlos Catholic doesn’t even acknowledge the fans, as per his usual bit.

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “GOD! Me and my friend have been robbed of the match that WE deserved to win. But oh, brother, the sinners used their sinful tricks to rob the titles from the hands that deserved them! That Frank Reynolds who is less of a man than me, used a steel bible to knock me out cold and he pinned me. The rules stated that it was to be a NORMAL bible. I demand that the decision be overturned. Nancy Catalogue, please…”

Wait… Carlos Catholic is interrupted by some very bizarre music. Than a man wearing lots of different colors, some feathers in his hair and face paint makes his way onto the stage with a microphone. Written on his chest in lipstick is the words B.B.Moolah.

B.B.MOOLAH: “Chill out, man. What is your name?”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Carlos Catholic.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Well, man, sit down and chill out. Heck, even grab a joint if you have to, because you really need to bring it down a few notches. Yeah, you got boned out of a match. And yeah, you guys totally deserved to win. You guys are great when you wrestle.”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “This man here speaks the truth.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “But… you guys lost. So suck it up and move on.”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Where do you get off telling ME what to do, huh? Who are you?”

B.B.MOOLAH: “The name is B.B.Moolah. Yeah, I know you guys are saying ‘ what a weird name’. But you know what? I’ve learnt through my life that the best way to live is to just take what you get and move on. You know what I mean, Carlos?”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Shut the HEDGE up.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Don’t you mean hell?”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Mr. Moolah, this is a family show. We don’t use that kind of language.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Don’t you know what a donkey punch is?”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “Well, no… but I have encountered a few donkeys before in my life that I would rather forget.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Well, Mr. Catholic, that is where you fuck someone in the ass and just before you cum, you punch them in the back of the head so there ass muscles clench and your orgasm is more enjoyable.”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “How dare you spread such filth on my television? You and your donkeys can go straight back to New York with the Vixxens and the HOMO-SEXUALS!”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Excuse me. What did you say about homosexuals?”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “They are venomous and UNHUMAN. They don’t deserve to breath and I encourage every good Christian to take arms against these parasites on the planet.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Mr. Carlos, do you know what a hate-crime law is?”

CARLOS CATHOLIC: “You son of a bitch, don’t try this on me like those god-damn GOOKS did…”

From the entrance way now, we see that B.B.Moolah is coming down to the ring with a few police officers. Carlos Catholic begins to shout at the police officers and B.B.Moolah. Carlos Catholic gets on his knees and proceeds to pray to the heavens. The police officers handcuff Carlos Catholic and escort him to the backstage area. B.B.Moolah is in the ring laughing as Carlos Catholic struggles with the police officer.

LEAD SINGER OF A CHRISTIAN ROCK BAND vs. B.B.MOOLAH

The eccentric newcomer is attacked from behind by Lead Singer of A Christian Rock Band. L.S.O.A.C.R.B rifles forearms to the back of B.B. L.S.O.A.C.R.B sends Moolah into the ropes and he connects with a nice running knee. L.S.O.A.C.R.B pins Moolah but only for the two count. L.S.O.A.C.R.B tells the referee it was a slow count, but the referee won’t hear anything of it. L.S.O.A.C.R.B proceeds to choke Moolah as he lies on the mat. The referee breaks the hold and L.S.O.A.C.R.B smiles as the crowd boos him.

As Moolah struggles to his feet, L.S.O.A.C.R.B just kicks him back down to the mat. Moolah is on one knee and L.S.O.A.C.R.B just hits a knee right to the face. L.S.O.A.C.R.B celebrates to the crowd over his accomplishment and Moolah takes the chance to hit a spinning heel kick! Moolah is up to his feet and he bounces off the ropes only to hit a running shooting star press. 1-2-… kick out! L.S.O.A.C.R.B got his shoulder up at the last second.

L.S.O.A.C.R.B is up to his feet and Moolah rushes at him only to get locked into an abdominal stretch! But wait, Moolah uses the momentum to hip toss L.S.O.A.C.R.B perfectly. Moolah runs and he hits a flipping splash onto L.S.O.A.C.R.B! Moolah covers and only a two count. This match has already had two close falls and we are a minute in. L.S.O.A.C.R.B is up to his feet and he and Moolah have a lock up. L.S.O.A.C.R.B is clearly the stronger force as he manages to grab the arm of Moolah and get the leverage. But wait, Moolah flips right out of the hold!

B.B.Moolah hits the ropes and he gets hip tossed into the ropes. Only he lands very awkwardly and he gets his head caught into the ropes. B.B.Moolah dangles for a few seconds caught in the ropes and grasping for air. L.S.O.A.C.R.B shoves him through the ropes and to the floor. B.B.Moolah gets to his feet and he has blood coming down the side of his face. Because… his NOSE fell off! Oh shit! Blood is everywhere as L.S.O.A.C.R.B is partially disgusted.

B.B.Moolah is in the ring and he says he wants to continue the fight but L.S.O.A.C.R.B refuses. In fact, he pukes outside of the ring. L.S.O.A.C.R.B tells the referee that the match cannot continue. But B.B thinks otherwise as he hits a hurricrana. B.B applies a leg lock and L.S.O.A.C.R.B grabs the ropes and slides to the outside. He steps right on the nose of B.B.Moolah that lies on the floor. L.S.O.A.C.R.B is totally disgusted, but B.B isn’t as he hits a suicide dive to the outside and hits the railing face first.

As B.B.Moolah gets to his feet, blood is gushing out of his eyes now. Oh shit, his eyes is bleeding very badly. L.S.O.A.C.R.B rolls in the ring and demands the match be stopped now. The referee says that he cannot legally stop the match because B.B wants to continue wrestling. L.S.O.A.C.R.B turns his attention back to B.B, who is on the top rope. B.B flies off the top and hits a Block buster! Cover, but only a two count. B.B.Moolah climbs to the top rope and he is going for a shooting star press. But as he comes off the top, he lands straight on the crown of his head.

B.B.Moolah just broke his neck! Holy shit, L.S.O.A.C.R.B cannot believe his eyes or his ears after the crushing of the spine. L.S.O.A.C.R.B drapes an arm over B.B.Moolah and gets… a two count. Because Coby Colorado drags the referee out of the ring. Coby proceeds to argue with the referee while Frank Reynolds is in the ring with the steel bible and he knocks L.S.O.A.C.R.B out cold! Frank Reynolds drapes the arm of B.B.Moolah on top of L.S.O.A.C.R.B and he rolls out of the ring. The referee gets in the ring and is in disbelief. How could a crippled wrestler be covering L.S.O.A.C.R.B? But the referee makes the three count and B.B.Moolah has won incredibly.

EMT’s rush out and tend to B.B.Moolah who is all smiles as they tend to both his eye, nose and spine. L.S.O.A.C.R.B rolls to the outside and Frank and Coby attempt to attack him once again, but L.S.O.A.C.R.B makes a run for the backstage area. With Carlos Catholic jailed, one can only tell how Lead Singer Of A Christian Rock Band is going to do solo.

WINNER: B.B.MOOLAH

B.B Moolah is in the backstage area getting tended too by paramedics when Michael Jackson stumbles on by. He sees the predicament that B.B.Moolah is in and he gasps.

MICHAEL JACKSON: “You got hurt bad out there, didn’t you?”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Definitely, got real busted up. These here paramedics think my spine might be broken.”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “I see you’ve got… nose problems.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Pardon, couldn’t hear you there. Can you speak up?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “I said it appears as though you’ve got … nose problems. I know a good doctor who can make your nose look beautiful.”

Michael Jackson gives B.B.Moolah his calling card. Moolah glances it over and he smiles at Michael Jackson.

B.B.MOOLAH: “Thanks man. It is a good thing us men can help each other out. So when are you scheduled to go get the nose job done, because damn boy you looked fucked up.”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Uh… in a while.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Is there any way I can repay you for your priceless advice?”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Do you have a son?”

B.B.MOOLAH: “A son? Oh, sorry, not married yet. Tying the knot at my age would be flat-out suicide.”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “A nephew? Younger brother?”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Nay to both.”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Well, if you can … hook me up. I’ve got a twelve year old crack addiction and I need to get my fix.”

B.B.MOOLAH: “Shouldn’t you go to rehab, cocaine is bad for you.”

MICHAEL JACKSON: “Yeah, sure man… whatever. I have to go get ready for later on tonight. Remember what I need.”

Michael Jackson walks away from B.B.Moolah as the EMT’s slowly tend to B.B.Moolah. The camera pans to Ted The Zombie and Patrick the Zombie. The two seem to be having a conversation.

TED THE ZOMBIE: “H-h-have you thought about the bbbounty on Ddduck’s head?”

PATRICK THE ZOMBIE: “Ttthought about iiit? Absolutellllly!”

TED THE ZOMBIE: “Alllllll you wwwwould nnnneeedddd iiiiiisss one clllllean shhhhottttt.”

The dressing room goes awkwardly quiet when Wendell Mehitler, colleague of the Duck, walks into the dressing room wearing a dress and a halter top. Wendell Mehitler proceeds to put on some lip stick when he notices the Zombies.

WENDELL MEHITLER: “Zuhhhh! Vut R YEW DEWING IN HEREEEEEE?!?”

PATRICK THE ZOMBIE: “Arrreeee you sommmmme sorrrrt of Dddddraagggg Queeeeennn?”

Wendell Mehitler proceed to leave the dressing room slamming the door shut.

TED THE ZOMBIE: “Thhhhattt wassss a clllloseeee onnnnee.”

The camera slowly leaves the dressing room of the the Zombies and the camera zooms in on the behind of someone wearing a dress and a halter top. The camera zooms up and we see that is indeed Wendell Mehitler and beside him is an equally big man wearing the exact same thing. They approach Nancy Catalogue who is standing with a clip board in hand.

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Filthy and Gorgeous. Welcome to the party. Filthy, can you get me my mirror?”

Filthy, who is apparently Wendell Mehitler, goes and grabs a mirror and he stands as Nancy Catalogue proceeds to pose in front of it.

NANCY CATALOGUE: “You are disgusting and nasty, but I love it. Gorgeous, get me my roses.”

Gorgeous, who is the other cross dresser, goes and grabs some flowers. Nancy Catalogue the transvestite proceeds to pose once again for the mirror.

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Filthy and Gorgeous go and get the other two…we have a crowd to address.”

Nancy Catalogue walks away from Filthy and Gorgeous and the crowd seems ready to be addressed. Very loud, pulsating dance music blares across the speakers as Nancy Catalogue comes to the ring followed by the Pineapple Kid, Julian Snakes, Filthy and Gorgeous. The 5 men are a Gay Pride parade in themselves, as they get into the ring. But of course, it is to be expected since Nancy Catalogue, the transvestite is the General Manager of D.W.A

NANCY CATALOGUE: “This is the first state of the Union address from me, Nancy Catalogue, the General Manager. First and foremost, there has been lots and LOTS of talk backstage, and don’t try to deny it because I hear the whispers, of people taking up the bounty that John Kerry put forth. And to them I say, do not risk such a move. The Duck Commonwealth of Corporations is slowly overtaking the United States Government. Killing the Duck will not serve as a victory, it will only serve as a stepping stone for another leader. And another leader. And another leader. The Duck has written into his will a man who shall arose as leader if he is to be killed already. We laugh at John Kerry’s feeble attempt to overthrow the D.C.C.”

Nancy Catalogue is receiving some pretty bad heat from the crowd as they chant “FREAK SHOW, FREAK SHOW, FREAK SHOW.” Nancy chuckles along with the audience as they keep the chant going for a good thirty seconds.

NANCY CATALOGUE: “You think that hurts my feelings. Hell no! In fact, for that very chant I have decided to book a match. You all seem to like a guy by the name of Harold Agnes?”

The crowd cheers in favor of Harold Agnes.

NANCY CATALOGUE: “Well, lets see him fight this man right here… The UNDEFEATED PINEAPPLE KID in a match so diabolical it should be banned from television. The ring posts will no longer will there… they will be replaced with TANKS OF WATER. Inside these tanks will be Electric Eels! Harold Agnes wants to prove to the world he is HARDCORE, well there are only two ways to prove you are hardcore. Shag with a 500 hairy man named Julius or wrestle Electric Eels! Take that you mother fuckers. And in the main event… we will see the awesome powers of Julian Snakes, Filthy and Gorgeous versus Lobster… Michael Jackson and EMINEM. There was forces in wrestling prior to us … they called themselves the New World Order. Well, we aren’t NEW, we are QUEER and we are HERE. We are the Queer World Order.”

Nancy Catalogue and the Queer World Order throw down their microphones and head to the back to quite the negative reaction. Well, up next we will see the mysterious masked duo of Pluto and Saturn, both who attacked Eminem and Michael Jackson at the Pay-Per-View square off against The Chaos Brothers.

THE CHAOS BROTHERS vs. PLUTO & SATURN

Wrestling for the Chaos Brothers will be Medium and Little Chaos, with Big Chaos on the outside for emotional support. Pluto and Saturn make their way to the ring and they have an elaborate entrance full of explosions and very weird music. Pluto and Saturn roll into the ring and they raise their hands in the air like they just don’t care. And as they raise their hands pyro goes off EVERYWHERE. The Chaos Brothers almost look intimidated.

Little Chaos starts off the bout against Pluto. Little Chaos goes for a lock up, but Pluto escapes from the lock up and gets behind Little Chaos to grab him. Pluto takes him down to the mat by the legs and he applies a camel clutch. Saturn speeds into the ring and drop kicks Little Chaos in the face. Ouch! The referee tells Saturn to get to the outside while Pluto applies the hold tighter and tighter. Once Saturn is on the outside the referee turns his attention to the move once again. Saturn enters the ring and drop kicks Little Chaos in the face once again!

Pluto releases the hold as Saturn is sent to the outside. Pluto knocks Medium Chaos off his corner and Pluto returns to attack Little Chaos. Medium Chaos loses his temper and enters the ring. The referee shoos him to the outside while Pluto has Little Chaos in the ropes and he is choking him. Medium Chaos distracts the referee even longer as Pluto chokes him even more. Pluto releases the hold and Saturn flies off the top rope and hits a leg drop! Saturn rolls to the outside just as the referee turns around and he doesn’t suspect a thing.

Pluto grabs Little Chaos and he tosses him into the ropes. He lifts him high into the air and just drops him back down in a flap jack type move. Pluto celebrates to the fans as makes the tag to Saturn. Saturn enters the ring and as Little Chaos gets to his feet, Saturn drives a huge knee right to his ribs. Saturn does the same thing once again and Little Chaos has trouble getting to his feet the third time. Saturn takes this chance to hit a stunning jack knife power bomb on Little Chaos. Saturn can fly from the top rope and hit power bombs, perhaps a destructive force in the ring?

Saturn makes the cover, but only a two count as Saturn releases the cover. Toying with the competition now, Saturn proceeds to dance over the fallen carcass of Little Chaos. Little Chaos simply raises his foot in the air and he low blows Saturn! Saturn bends over holding his crotch and falls to the mat. Little Chaos proceeds to crawl to his corner to make the tag, but wait, Pluto is on the outside of the ring and he rips Medium Chaos off the apron. Pluto grabs Medium Chaos and he tosses him over the railing and into the fans. Saturn distracts the referee as Pluto grabs a chair and from the outside of the ring drills Little Chaos in the head!

Saturn drags Little Chaos into the middle of the ring and he could go for the cover, but instead he decides he is going to fly from the top rope. Pluto is in his corner now and applauding as Saturn climbs to the top rope. Saturn signals for a 450 splash, but the fans don’t believe it… a man his size can’t perform that move and from the distance he hopes too. Saturn flies from the top and he performs the move and just as he is about to land on Little Chaos, he rolls out of the way. Saturn hits the mat and he probably broke his ribs. Little Chaos crawls quickly to his corner and makes the hot tag to Medium Chaos before Pluto can prevent it. As Pluto rushes around the outside of the ring, Medium Chaos takes a sprint on the apron and hits a diving flip onto Pluto! Medium Chaos gets to his feet and he rolls into the ring.

Saturn gets to his feet and Medium Chaos drops him with a rib breaker. Medium Chaos hits a senton splash onto the ribs of Saturn. Medium Chaos waits for Saturn to get to his feet before he kicks him in the gut and hits a DDT. Medium Chaos covers … but only the two count as Pluto breaks the cover. Pluto and Saturn proceed to double team Medium Chaos sending him into the ropes, but he ducks the clothes line and as they swing around Medium Chaos drops both men with a running DDT. Medium Chaos drapes his arm over Saturn and only the two count.

The referee sends Pluto to his corner as Medium Chaos is in the drivers seat. He sends Saturn into the ropes only to hit an Alabama Slam straight into the mat. Cover, only a two count as Saturn kicks out. Medium Chaos signals that he is going to end the bout right here and now. Medium Chaos sets Saturn up for the Tiger Driver, but instead of hitting the Tiger Driver, he hits a pile driver! Medium Chaos turns Saturn and gets the 1-2… NO, Pluto breaks up the count. Little Chaos and Pluto exchange lefts and rights before Little Chaos sends Pluto to the floor.

Little Chaos tells Medium Chaos to lift Saturn onto his shoulders. He does so and Little Chaos climbs to the top rope and he grabs the head of Saturn. And in a site that has to be seen, The Chaos Brothers hit a double team Dudley/Acid Drop! Saturn should be dead after that move as he lies on the mat in complete and utter pain.

Pluto enters the ring and he punches Medium Chaos and … Medium Chaos is down on the mat and knocked out cold. Pluto had brass knuckles on and he throws them to the outside. Pluto waits for Little Chaos to get to his feet before he kicks him in the stomach and drops him with the Planet Shift [Overdrive]. Pluto drags Saturn onto the body Little Chaos and the referee is forced to make the three count. Pluto rolls to the outside and… wait, another Pluto gets into the ring? What the hell is going on here?

The real Pluto groggily gets into the ring and raises his hand with the referee and Saturn. The fake Pluto is on the outside and begins to take off his blue mask to reveal… a RED MASK. He rips off the outfit he was wearing and the word “Mars” is written onto his chest. So now we’ve got Pluto, Saturn and Mars and they just pulled a fast one over everyone in the building as they head to the back.

WINNER: PLUTO AND SATURN

ELECTRIC EEL MATCH

THE PINEAPPLE KID vs. HAROLD AGNES

This match is going to be one hell of a Slobberedcock! Coming from the back first is a beaten up Harold Agnes who wrestled in a Barbed Wire Match less than a week ago and suffered some very serious injuries. He isn’t skateboarding like normal, he barely limps to the ring. Harold Agnes gets into the ring and can barely standing.

Out from the back next is the Undefeated Man himself… The Pineapple Kid. Brother of the other undefeated man… The Mango Kid! The Pineapple Kid struts to the ring, rolls in and he looks ready for an extreme battle here. The Pineapple Kid extends his hand for a shake, but instead spits in the face of Harold Agnes. That knocks the old ‘hip’ man down to the mat. Wow, the SPIT OF DOOM was intense and quite the KO.

Harold Agnes struggles to his feet so the Pineapple Kid hits a back slide for the 1-2-… Pineapple Kid releases the hold. He asks the fans if he thought he was going to let it be that easy. As Harold Agnes gets to his feet, the Pineapple Kid throws him right into the corner where all he meets is the hard fish tank containing the Electric Eels. Harold Agnes with great force the fans all prepare to be smashed with glass and water from the impact!

The Pineapple Kid encourages Harold Agnes to get to his feet and when he does, The Pineapple Kid kicks him in the stomach and DDT’s him. The Pineapple Kid kips up to his feet and he taunts the crowds a little. Pineapple Kid covers Harold Agnes and the referee makes a two count, as Pineapple Kid releases the hold. The Pineapple Kid applies a chin lock to Harold Agnes that the referee believes at one point is a choke. Pineapple Kid refuses to release the hold, saying it is a chin lock.

After a good thirty seconds in the hold, Pineapple Kid releases the hold and Harold Agnes falls to the mat and he gasps for air. Pineapple Kid gets to his feet and he drops a perfect knee right to the throat of Harold Agnes. Harold Agnes rolls around the mat gasping for air as the referee warns Pineapple Kid about purposely injuring wrestlers. The Pineapple Kid flips off the referee and drops a knee right onto the throat of Harold Agnes.

The Pineapple Kid proceeds to prance around the ring to the fans dismay. The Pineapple Kid waits for Harold Agnes to get to his feet before he proceeds to dance around the injured and aging man. But wait, Harold Agnes boots him right in the nutsack! Holy shit, the kick heard around the world. The Pineapple Kid falls to the ground and Harold Agnes just got his second wind. Harold Agnes waits for the Pineapple Kid to get up before he hits the DOUBLE ARM DDT!

Harold Agnes drags The Pineapple Kid towards the one of the corners and he lifts him up. Oh no, Pineapple Kid could be meeting some Electric Eels… but he low blows Harold Agnes. Harold Agnes doesn’t fall over, so the Pineapple Kid twists his nipples and he is hits the PINEAPPLE TWIST! Harold Agnes is locked right into the hold and he could tap at any second! Harold Agnes manages to throw three forearms at The Pineapple Kid to break the hold.

The Pineapple Kid is in the corner now gasping for air and Harold Agnes rushes towards him. A careful reversal sends Harold Agnes into the Alabama Slam! But wait, he dunks right into the Electric Eels and the Eels attack Harold Agnes. The Pineapple Kid waits ten seconds before he drops Harold Agnes back down with the Alabama slam! The Pineapple Kid steps on the chest of Harold Agnes and flexes as the referee hits the mat three times and we have seen a winner.

Post-match, The Pineapple Kid celebrates to the audience, yelling he was undefeated. Huge pyro’s go off everywhere and the Pineapple Kid slides to the outside and hides. But wait, the arena has darkened. And what the hell is this…

.

A man hops over the barrier and attacks The Pineapple Kid! His front side is not exposed to the camera, simply his backside. He throws Pineapple Kid right into the steel steps. The man of small stature, about 5’11”, picks The Pineapple Kid up for a Gorilla Press Slam. He drops him right through the table. The man turns around and …

He …

Is…

A WEREWOLF!

Werewolf signals to the camera that all is over and he leaves through the fans as they chant, “WEREWOLF, WEREWOLF, WEREWOLF”. Was this his entrance into D.W.A, attacking the flamboyant, yet undefeated man known as the Pineapple KID? I’d guess so!

WINNER: THE PINEAPPLE KID

Lobster makes his way down the aisle and the fans are pumped for his arrival, moreso than for Werewolf. Lobster acknowledges the fans cheers with the wave of his hand. He is by far the most beloved face in the history of wrestling, overshadowing Hulk Hogan himself! Lobster winks at the camera and he grabs the microphone and he waits for the fans to calm down.

LOBSTER: “I am not a newcomer to the wrestling business. I have seen my fair share of matches and wore my fair share of titles. I have beaten some of the best and some of the worst. Heck, just a while ago I was the MBSEL Johnny Ramone Necrophillia Champion, one of the most coveted titles in the wrestling business. And I am bringing that title out of retirement.”

The crowd reacts in a huge hell yeah, although this can’t sit well with the Dallas Darke and MBSEL, since the title is technically property of there promotion.

LOBSTER: “I am bringing this title out of retirement for ONE good reason. I have been on MBSEL and DWA television numerous times. Me and the Forces of Good quashed Jennifer Lopez and her band of misfits. We liberated many innocent people from many bad people, but there is one man I have yet to conquer.”

The crowd knows who he is talking about and start cheering “THE DUCK, THE DUCK, THE DUCK”

LOBSTER: “You guys are mind readers. You read my mind! The Duck, we’ve hated each other since Day number one. And we’ve yet to clash in this ring. And you know what? Our feud must end. I have yet to gain satisfactory revenge for the killing of my presumed parents and even though you are MY MOTHER, I realize that you are an evil that must be eradicated. The D.C.C is a force on the brink of taking over the United States of America and it will doom us all to a Capitalist existence! And you know who is going to eradicate that evil? ME! The Final Destination has arrived… THE DUCK vs. LOBSTER in 4 WEEKS, baby. I know you have more pride than to walk away from the challenge. Get ready for the fight of a life time.”

TEAM GENERIC /w MARY SMITH vs. JOHNNY COLORADO & MOOP

Team Generic is tagging up for the first time in a long time! Mike and Gene Smith come down with smiles on their face alongside their sister. It would be interesting to note how this sits with Ronald Feature, friend of Gene Smith, boyfriend of Mary Smith and nemesis of Mike Smith. The two men slide into the ring and they look ready for a wrestling match.

Out from the back know is the Magical Drunken Truck Driver Also Known as Moop and Johnny Colorado. Moop stumbles to the ring and he is still beaten up from the UWA beat-down suffered at the Tsunami relief show a week ago. Johnny Colorado is into the ring first and he smirks as the fans chant his name. The man has become a cult-favorite simply over night.

Moop starts off the bout against Mike Smith. Mike Smith rushes at Moop only to get hip tossed. Mike Smith get’s up to his feet and he receives a fist to the face. Mike Smith receives the same-fate twice over and Mike face is becoming more and more red with each and every shot. Mike Smith manages to break free of the punches and makes the tag to Gene Smith. Gene enters the ring to a pretty good face reaction. Gene Smith rushes at Moop only to get kicked in the stomach and snap suplexed. Moop covers but only a two count. Gene Smith hobbles to his feet only to get gut wrenched down to the mat.

Moop makes the hot tag to Johnny Colorado who levels Gene Smith with a knee right to the face. As Gene Smith struggles to his feet, Johnny hits a DDT made of perfection. Gene Smith lies with his head on the mat and he breathes for air. Johnny Colorado covers, but only a two count. Johnny Colorado climbs to the top rope and signals for a cross body block. He connects in the middle of the ring and he covers, only for a two count. Johnny Colorado decides he is going to work on Gene Smith and applies a leg lock.

Gene Smith struggles for the ropes, but Colorado has the move applied tightly. Gene Smith eventually gets to the ropes and Colorado releases the hold. Johnny Colorado challenges the man-hood of Mike Smith, and he enters the ring. But wait, Moop spears the hell out of him. Mike and Gene Smith lie on the mat in pain as Johnny Colorado turns his attention to the outside and to… Mary Smith!

Johnny Colorado points at her and says that he wants to break her spine. Ronald Feature is out from the backstage area now with his I-Pod Title in hand. He smashes Johnny Colorado in the face with the title and begins to talk trash to him. Ronald Feature grabs Mary Smith by the hand and proceeds to escort her backstage… or not.

She refuses. She tells Ronald that she has to be by her brother’s side. Ronald asks if it is the same brother that tried to give her unborn baby to Eleinfant Killer. Mary Smith walks away from Ronald Feature and he is irate with anger.

In the ring now, everything is complete chaos. Moop is ready to put away Mike Smith, as he hovers over his fallen body. But wait, Gene Smith sneaks up and gets the roll up. He utilizes the ropes for leverage and the referee makes the three count. Team Generic win and what a match it was.

In the ring now, Team Generic and Mary Smith celebrate their victory. But Ronald Feature isn’t happy about the new bond between the Smith family. Ronald Feature grabs a microphone and proceeds to speak in a solemn, yet angry tone, “Mary, you stuck a dagger in my back and you turned it. When you give birth to that child, you remind him of how great his father was.”

As Ronald Feature walks up the ramp, Mary Smith stops him as she has a microphone. Mary Smith seems to have gained a whole new attitude, “Ronald, you sure have an ego. You think you are the one who impregnated me?”

Ronald Feature nods his head yes. Mary Smith shakes her head no. Ronald speaks into the microphone once again, “you are telling me that Mike Smith, the incest freak show is the father.”

Mary Smith shakes her head no, “Ronald, you have been fooled. I ain’t even pregnant.”

Mary Smith rolls her the front of her shirt and what appears to be a pregnant stomach is soon ripped to shreds! Her apparently pregnant stomach was made of plastic for the last couple of months. The fans jaws all drop to the floor and Ronald Feature seems to have been obliterated into billions of pieces. And out from the back now, Earl, Hank and Carl Smith all attack Ronald Feature and proceed to beat the living hell out of him in the middle of the ring!

Things just heated up here folks, The Smith clan all appear to be united in destroying the poor young Ronald Feature who just lost his girlfriend and his fabricated baby. Ronald Feature barely crawls to his feet and out of no where, Mary Smith knocks him down to the mat with her fake pregnant stomach. Ronald Feature is bleeding from the shot to the head and he lays on the mat out cold as the Smith family all stand over, victorious with their hands raised in victory!

I bet NO-ONE saw that coming.

WINNER: TEAM GENERIC

JULIAN SNAKES, FILTHY & GORGEOUS vs. EMINEM, MICHAEL JACKSON & LOBSTER

What a block buster main event here tonight, just following up the huge announcement we just had to grasp. But we can’t really think very hard about it as Julian Snakes makes his way to the ring with the beautiful Filthy and the oh-so dirty Gorgeous. Or maybe it is the other way around. Who knows? They slide into the ring and await their opponents.

The three huge MBSEL super-stars come to the ring together. Eminem plays the role of the cocky and obnoxious face, while Michael Jackson plays the subtle, yet flamboyant face and Lobster plays the noble and moral up-holding face. The three men get into the ring and they all climb a turn buckle and celebrate. This is going to be one hell of a match!

It starts off between Eminem and Julian Snakes. Julian Snakes locks Eminem into a head lock and Julian Snakes takes him down to the mat and applies the head lock still. Eminem tries to break free, but he cannot. Julian Snakes gets back up to his feet, the head lock still in tact and Eminem throws a few elbows into the rib cage of Julian. Eminem sends him into the ropes and he locks in a sleeper hold only to drop him down to the mat. Eminem makes the tag to Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson sends Julian Snakes into the corner and he mounts him and delivers ten constant punches to the forehead. Michael Jackson hops down to the mat and he bounces with joy. Michael Jackson waves to a few of the fans. Julian Snakes kicks his leg right out from underneath and he tags to the monster Filthy. Filthy enters the ring and he applies a choke hold on Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson rakes the eyes of Filthy and makes the tag to Eminem.

Eminem and Filthy exchange punches back and forth, which ends in a knee to the gut by Filthy. Filthy takes him down to the mat with a gut breaker! Filthy makes the tag to Gorgeous who hits a senton splash right onto the gut. Gorgeous tags to Filthy and the two men pick Eminem up and hit a double spine buster. Filthy covers, but Michael Jackson breaks up the count. Gorgeous has the advantage over Eminem, but gives it up when he rushes towards him only to get hit with a clothes line. Eminem tags in Lobster and the crowd pops like mad!

Lobster takes Filthy over the top with a clothes line! Gorgeous is sent to the mat with a DDT and he rolls out of the ring. Julian Snakes gets taken to the mat with a drop toe hold. Lobster applies an Ankle Lock and it could all be over. Julian Snakes grabs for the ropes, but instead he taps! Lobster has easily won that match!

Or has he?

From the backstage area, Nancy Catalogue and the Pineapple Kid attack. This is going to be a 5 on 3! Nancy Catalogue, Julian Snakes and The Pineapple Kid attack Lobster while Filthy and Gorgeous attack Eminem and Michael Jackson. Nancy Catalogue has a lead pipe in his hand and they try to beat down Lobster, but instead he fends for himself with the a clothes line for each man. Lobster climbs to the top rope and he hits a shooting star press onto the three standing in the middle of the ring. The three men roll to the outside and Filthy and Gorgeous do the same.

Nancy Catalogue grabs a microphone, embarrassed about the quick loss to the super star team established in the ring and it begins to speak, “Lobster! You challenged the Duck for a match in three weeks! And you know what? God-dammit, he’ll accept. But that doesn’t mean leading up to your match, I ain’t going to throw every challenge in your way. In fact, next week you’ll square off against…Rene and Rodney Feature! Two of the meanest and baddest wrestlers in the world. And regardless of the outcome, you’ll face The Duck in FOUR WEEKS. Meaning next week you’ll have a handicap match. And the week after you’ll have a special match. And the week after… you’ll have your final show down before The Duck. It’ll be versus… ME. In a special kind of match…

A Transsexual Triathlon!”

Nancy Catalogue throws down the microphone and heads to the backstage area with the Gay Pride Parade in tact. The five of them leave Michael Jackson, Eminem and Lobster seeking more. Lobster heads to the backstage area while Michael Jackson and Eminem wave to the fans a little. But wait, from the backstage area is Pluto, Saturn and Mars! Michael Jackson and Eminem do their best to fend off the numbers, but once again follow to the sheer strength in numbers. Pluto, Saturn and Mars all stand victorious over Michael Jackson and Eminem. Are they going to reveal themselves? Not tonight, they head to the backstage area!

What will happen next week? So much has gone down tonight, that anything can happen and will happen. So stay tuned!

WINNER: EMINEM, MICHAEL JACKSON & LOBSTER

[Besmirched Tea]

Ah... This is more like it. Actual match descriptions! Character development! Shocking twists! I have to admit, I didn't really care for the entire TNA/TIT chapter, but I'm looking forward to the Transexual Triathalon and DWA/MBSEL getting back on track like it could and should...

[RPS]

MBSEL WEDNESDAY NIGHT WANKFEST

Been a while, hasn’t it?

Wednesday Night Wank-Fest skips the introduction video that usually kicks off the show and we are greeted with The Darke Days making their way to the ring. The catch is… Dallas Darke isn’t anywhere in site. Rumors of have been spreading like wildfire of Dallas Darke’s past on the Internet message boards and he hasn’t been heard of lately. Chris Flare, the man apparently in charge picks up the microphone and he smiles.

CHRIS FLARE: “Welcome to MY Wednesday Night Wank-Fest! Please, wait before you all get on your knees and suck my cock because there is something that has to be said. Dallas Darke, while he is not here this week, will be here next week. And he is promising to cause some riffs in the world due to the recent allegations against him which will remain unspoken. Dallas Darke and his family will be on hand, minus Caleb Darke who is currently a treason And that is it for that chapter and tonight, I am running the show. So first and foremost, lets bring out the traitorous Jimmy Rebel. For those who aren’t aware, he cost an MBSEL wrestler in The Heart Attack Kid the chance to return to America and back to this wrestling promotion. Get your ass out here, Jimmy Rebel.”

Jimmy Rebel comes out and he looks very afraid. It was less than a week that a gun was pointed at his head and now he is being threatened by his boss right hand man. Jimmy Rebel gets in the ring expecting the worse. But instead Chris Flare hugs the man.

CHRIS FLARE: “Jimmy, way to go! One less wrestler I had to fire, buddy. Jimmy, you did me a favor last week in Sri Lanka and I must say, if I could I’d make love to you right know. But instead, I’ll do the next best thing and give you a shot at the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title against Mr. Inadequate, the bastard who won it two weeks ago. He stole the title from right under my nose the son of a bitch!”

JIMMY REBEL: “Thank you sir, thank you very much.”

CHRIS FLARE: “Now get the hell out of my ring. I have one more topic to address. And this is a big one. The Duck currently has a price on his head, and man is it ever big. It will be paid forward by the President of the United States of America… Jonathan Kerry! Well, I want to see that god-damn Duck dead. So I am going to up the offer! If a MBSEL super-star is the one who guts that god-damn Duck… not only will you receive the bounty that John Kerry is putting forth, but a new BOUNTY will be added on behalf of MBSEL…”

Wait from the backstage area is PunkRockPete, a legend in the wrestling business. He receives quite the attractive response from the crowd, he blows it off with the wave of his hand. He gets into the ring and Tyrone Jackson gets in his face, only to be dismissed. Jimmy Rebel and Robbie California move away from PunkRockPete as he approaches Chris Flare.

PUNKROCKPETE: “In my days of wrestling, I kicked ass. And not only did I kick ass, but I had fun while doing it. But those days are behind me, Mr. Flare. I have no wrestling promotion to shill, like yourself Chris. But I do represent one thing. The wrestling business.”

CHRIS FLARE: “Are you done running your pacifist mouth yet?”

PUNKROCKPETE: “NO! Chris Flare, if you kill the Duck you shall instill a domino effect that shall ruin the wrestling world forever.”

CHRIS FLARE: “Shut the hell up, Pete. You’ve been down and out for years. I saw you sucking on the end of a bottle one year ago, living on the streets. You’re a bum! A no good bum!”

PUNKROCKPETE: “Flare, how soon you forget. I took you underneath my wing…”

CHRIS FLARE: “You didn’t do jack-shit.”

PUNKROCKPETE: “Power has soured your brain. Unfortunate turn of events, Chris Flare. But you must realize that you and DWA and UWA are one in the same. You are all wrestling promotions fighting for wrestling, not for supremacy.”

PunkRockPete drops the microphone and proceeds to try and leave up the aisle. But wait, police officers proceed to approach him and place him in handcuffs. The legend leave’s to a standing ovation from the fans and Chris Flare is irate.

CHRIS FLARE: “If any wrestler kills the Duck, I shall award them with a 3,000,000$ a year contract and a shot at the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title in any match that you want. To any person who brings me the head of the Duck on A STAKE!”

Chris Flare tosses the microphone into the air and him and the Darke Days proceed to leave the ringside. Jimmy Rebel appears to be a new member to the stable as he taunts the fans a little. The Darke Days head to the backstage area and awaits for more of the show to continue. We head to the backstage area where Mr. Inadequate is standing by with a microphone in hand.

MR. INADEQUATE: “Tonight is the night of the biggest announcement in the wrestling business. Not since Dallas Darke being duped by the Duck, John Kerry and Caleb Darke has such a huge announcement been unveiled. I could make it right now, but unfortunately, I want to make everyone wait. Because, well taking the surprise right now wouldn’t be adequate in suspending the audience in disbelief. Making you wait till the very end of the show will make the secret be that much more great!”

Mr. Inadequate walks from the camera and the camera picks up on a guy wearing rags with a scruffy beard and covered in dirt. He smiles to the camera and he is missing all of his teeth. He approaches a man facing a wall talking on a cell-phone. He taps the man on the shoulder and it is Doc Morrison!

DOC MORRISON: “Hold on a second.”

Doc Morrison hangs up the phone and swings around to see the poor homeless sap. Doc Morrison nearly vomits, but he manages to keep his composure.

DOC MORRISON: “Holy shit, you smell… what is your name?”

HOMELESS GUY: “My parents always called me Lars and my last name is Kulrich.”

DOC MORRISON: “No one talented ever had a name that sounded like that. Your new name is Pooh… Razz!”

POOH RAZZ: “I love it. It is very hip. The Pooh Bear and Razz.. uh.. rhymes with Jazz!”

DOC MORRISON: “And, Jazz is totally in with the kids. But any-way, do you know who I am?”

POOH RAZZ: “Doc Morrison, gimmick consultant!”

DOC MORRISON: “Precisely. You are a wrestler, ain’t ya kid?”

POOH RAZZ: “Yeah, I am a wrestler! I saved up all the money I had so I could come and meet ya!”

Pooh Razz proceeds to hand Doc Morrison a 100$ bill. Doc Morrison kind of laughs at the pitiful attempt of Pooh Razz and than pockets the bill.

DOC MORRISON: “Well, you are just in luck kid! Because, Doc Morrison has got a brilliant idea. You see those two girls over there?”

Doc Morrison points towards Lesbians With Attitude, Miranda Darke and Jordan Benjamin. Pooh Razz looks at them and than nods his head yes.

DOC MORRISON: “Well, the one is a single gal looking to be talked dirty too. REALLY dirty.”

POOH RAZZ: “Well, as you can see I am the king of dirty.”

DOC MORRISON: “Tell her you’ll give her the dirty sanchez or something like that.”

POOH RAZZ: “Doc, don’t worry! I’ve got an even better scheme… and let me tell you, it will work! Just watch.”

Pooh Razz approaches the two girls who are in the midst of talking. He interrupts their conversation when he raises his hand in both of their faces.

POOH RAZZ: “Hey baby… one time I found this banana peel on the ground, it was blacker than ash, and I ate it all. Didn’t even gag once.”

Miranda Darke looks at Pooh Razz in total disgust and than she slaps him across the face. Pooh Razz is totally confused, so he slaps her back.

POOH RAZZ: “You into that kind of scene, eh?”

Pooh Razz proceed’s to slap her across the face. Jordan Benjamin steps in and the two woman throw Pooh Razz into a steel wall. Miranda and Jordan Benjamin proceed to walk away. Doc Morrison proceeds to help Pooh Razz up to his feet.

DOC MORRISON: “Pooh, that was great. She really loved you.”

POOH RAZZ: “You sure? It didn’t feel that way.”

DOC MORRISON: “Love works in mysterious ways, comrade! But you know what? To really get your career started, you should go to the ring and fight that Flint guy out there. He is kind of sketchy like you. He is POOR. In can be a … Pooh Battle Royale!”

POOH RAAZ: “What in heck’s name is that?”

DOC MORRISON: “It is what can set you apart from every other poor wrestler in the back! Instead of just wrestling a normal match, it’ll be over the top rules. Kind of like when Raven had “RAVEN’S RULES”, except Pooh Battle Royale.”

POOH RAZZ: “I love Battle Royales. You know what, I’ll do it!”

DOC MORRISON: “And you know what kiddo, I’ll come to the ring as your manager!”

Doc Morrison tries not to laugh as he accompanies the eccentric new super star down to the ring.

POOH BATTLE ROYALE

FLINT vs. POOH RAZZ /w DOC MORRISON

In the ring now is Flint, who just got his welfare check and he is showing it sporting a brand new FUBU sweater and sun glasses. A close-up of his wife in the front row is shown. Out from the back now is Pooh Razz! And not too far behind is Doc Morrison who is subduing the laughter. Doc Morrison stands on the outside as Pooh Razz gets in the ring and goes face to face with Flint. Pooh Razz slaps him across the face. Flint just takes him to the mat with a clothesline.

Flint picks Pooh Razz up to his feet to hit a standing vertical suplex. Flint lets the blood rush to the head of Pooh Razz before he drops him to the mat. Flint proceeds to flip over Pooh Razz and he applies a camel clutch. Pooh Razz manages to break free from the hold and he and Flint lock up. Pooh Razz tries to send him over the top rope, but Flint holds on.

Out from the backstage now is Jordan Benjamin and Miranda Darke, also known as the Lesbians with Attitude. Just moments ago, the same two lesbians attacked Pooh Razz! They slowly make their way to ringside and Pooh Razz catches the eye of Jordan Benjamin and Miranda Darke. He lets go of a Boston crab he had applied on Flint and begins to flirt with them inside the ring. Miranda Darke looks absolutely disgusted by the approaches of Pooh Razz.

Pooh Razz proceeds to do a mini strip tease in the ring, which is very reminiscent of Wesley Glass routine, another super star managed and gimmick consulted by Doc Morrison. Flint has seen enough and he tosses Pooh Razz over the top and to the floor. Pooh Razz is very upset as he gets to his feet, but he tries to plant a kiss on the mouth of Miranda Darke, but she tosses him into the steel steps.

Ray Morris, the man’s man, comes from behind the women with a Iron Board and he knocks both women to the ground. Ray Morris, for those who are unaware, verbally assaulted the women a few weeks ago. Ray Morris waits for them both to get to their feet before he takes them both down with a clothes line. The fans are booing the man’s man as he helps Pooh Razz up to his feet and towards the backstage area.

WINNER: FLINT

In the backstage area, Pooh Razz looks baffled by what happened at the ringside. Ray Morris proceeds to slap him across the face and Pooh Razz is totally surprised.

RAY MORRIS: “Son, there is one thing you gotta learn about them feminist. They are mean ass bitches. They want to see you suffer and squirm. Well, sonny, you gotta beat there asses. Ain’t no man gonna look weak in front of those LESBIANS.”

POOH RAZZ: “Hold on … lesbians?”

RAY MORRIS: “Yeah, they be lesbians. It can be hot when they ain’t got no clothes on, but it ain’t hot when they beaten you up or if it is them fat chicks like that Rosie on the television.”

POOH RAZZ: “So, they won’t sleep with me because I am… not a woman?”

RAY MORRIS: “Yeaaaaaaa!”

POOH RAZZ: “Well, Ray, do I ever have a plan for you.”

RAY MORRIS: “A simple plan?”

POOH RAZZ: “Welcome to my life, bro. But my plan involves… well, I’ve got friends in high places. And I mean high places. And to be honest, they’ve got these … ideas.”

RAY MORRIS: “Heck, I’ve got ideas too!”

POOH RAZZ: “Yeah, but these ideas… they are different ideas. Those lesbians don’t think they can be converted to love me… but I know two guys who can convert them lesbians.”

RAY MORRIS: “Who?”

POOH RAZZ: “Well, you may of heard of them. They play in a little rock band, pretty popular in the wrestling business. Christ Love!”

RAY MORRIS: “They place all my favorite songs…!”

POOH RAZZ: “Yeah, well, they spread the word and love of God. And, well, they can convert these here lesbians as well. And any HOMO-SEXUALS that we want. Ray, you know what we could do? We could start a crusade to turn all of them lesbians and homosexuals … to heterosexuals.”

RAY MORRIS: “And than, when we turn all of them hot lesbians straight, we can make them fall in love with us!”

POOH RAZZ: “In fact, I’ve got an even more brilliant idea.”

RAY MORRIS: “Lets convert all of the MILLIONAIRE lesbians straight and make them fall in love with us… and than we’ll marry them and get alimony! And we should start off with the most famous lesbian… ELLEN!”

POOH RAZZ: “You are a genius.”

RAY MORRIS: “Brother, we’ve gotta make a phone call to them there Christ Love!”

The two “geniuses” proceed to walk away, ready to phone the tag-team Christ Love, from the rival DWA wrestling company. One only has to wonder how much of a kick Doc Morrison is getting out of this due to his involvement in getting Pooh Razz interested in the lesbians in the first place.

ADAM GOLDBERG vs. HIEN

Hien makes his way to the ring, without his infamous tag-team partner Himler. Hien gets quite the negative reaction, due to his place of birth being Germany home of the NAZI’S. Hien looks pretty out of place without his German counterpart, but he rolls into the ring and looks ready for a brawl against Adam Goldberg.

Adam Goldberg makes his way out to the ring and he has a brand new shirt on saying, “JEWISH STREET CREW – number one in the hood”. Adam Goldberg slides into the ring and looks into the eyes of Hien and the two men exchange words back and forth. Hien extends his hand for a shake and Adam Goldberg slaps him across the face and hits a single leg take down right into a single leg boston crab.

Hien gets locked into the hold and he tries to crawl towards the ropes, but unfortunately, Adam Goldberg yanks him back to the middle of the ring. Hien manages to grab the leg of Adam Goldberg in the hold and he tugs on it so it releases the hold. Hien moves around and manages to lock in a Boston Crab. Hien applies the move for a good twenty seconds before he lets go. Hien puts to the top rope and climbs all the way up. Hien signals for a drop kick and that looks like it may come true.

But it doesn’t. Hien flies high in the air and Adam Goldberg catches him by the legs and applies yet another Boston Crab. Adam Goldberg is putting a lot of pressure on Hien, who manages to use all of the strength in his legs to toss Adam Goldberg off his body. Adam Goldberg and Hien are both up to their feet and both men look ready to attack. Instead they have a stare down.

Adam Goldberg starts talking smack and Hien pokes him in the eye. Adam Goldberg bends over trying to gain his site back and Hien just simply laughs as his evil scheme to blind Goldberg. But while bent over, Adam Goldberg trips Hien and grabs his legs only to apply the Boston Crab. Hien manages to break free from the hold and send Adam Goldberg to the mat and they are still some what in the move. So Hien stands up and applies his Boston Crab.

Adam Goldberg manages to crawl to the ropes and the referee tells Hien the hold has been broken. The two men get up to their feet and once again have a stare down. Adam Goldberg hits a thumb to the eye and than sends Hien into the ropes. He hits a roll up right into a Boston Crab. Adam Goldberg has Hien in the middle of the ring and he crawls towards the ring. Adam Goldberg applies more and more pressure as Hien screams out in pain. Hien makes a grab for the ropes, but Adam Goldberg pulls him back to the middle of the ring.

Hien pulls on his hair as the pain of the move goes to him. Hien grabs Adam Goldberg’s tights and tries to gain a hold of something to break the hold. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work as Adam Goldberg manages to lessen the pressure on the hold and to evade the grapple of Hien. Hien pushes the mat propping himself up higher and higher as he tries to work against the move. Adam Goldberg pushes all his weight to the back of Hien, sending him face first into the mat once again.

Adam Goldberg releases the hold and Hien and he both get up to their feet. But what the hell is this from the crowd… a man with a huge Afro. He gets into the ring and drops both men with a clothes line. The referee signals for the bell calling it a double DQ. This newcomer picks up Adam Goldberg and drops him with a belly to belly suplex. The same fate is delivered to Hien.

The man with the afro grabs a microphone and he begins to speak.

BECK AFRO: “The name is Beck Afro. I’ve got an Afro, so all you fans better get on your knees and worship the ground I walk in. When I step into the ring, all of you fans will see not only the power I hold, but the power my AFRO has. And not only will all you fans be exposed to the power of the AFRO, but my opponents will. They will all fall victim and have their shoulders pinned to the mat for the 1-2-3. Afro-OUT!”

Beck Afro drops the microphone and heads to the backstage area. Although, his tactic wasn’t too good. In the first week of being in MBSEL, he has already made two enemies in the Jewish Street Crew and Team Germany. Hopefully his next week is a little better.

WINNER: DRAW

In the backstage area now, we see that Chris Flare is posing for a mirror, smiling his white pearly smile as usual. He than proceeds to stand up and take Dallas Darke’s picture down from the main office. Chris Flare than tries to put up his own picture, when in walks Robbie California.

ROBBIE CALIFORNIA: “What in the hell are you doing to MY bosses picture?”

CHRIS FLARE: “Robbie, there is some harsh news that you have to come to realize… Dallas Darke may not be coming back.”

ROBBIE CALIFORNIA: “What in the hell are you talking about? You announced he was returning next week with his family.”

CHRIS FLARE: “You know, I run the show. Do you see Dallas Darke around here paying your wages and giving you matches? In fact, you don’t even have a match.”

ROBBIE CALIFORNIA: “I think you are missing the fact that I don’t wrestle very well. In fact, I’ve really always just been the guy who causes the fights to take place and never wrestle in them.”

CHRIS FLARE: “It’s like you’ve got some stupid ass God Complex and let me tell you, those are a fucking pain in the ass. I just want to grab it and wipe my god-damn ass with those pieces of shit. It reminds me of when you get fucked so hard in the ass and pieces of your small intestine hang out from your ass. Well, snap out of it. We don’t like that pussy-ass-dick-vagina-bullshit in MY wrestling promotion. I’ve done more for this company in two weeks than you could ever imagine. I secured two wrestlers in Pooh Razz and Beck Afro, two stars in the making. So you know who you’ll be facing tonight Robbie California?”

ROBBIE CALIFORNIA: “No, you haven’t told me.”

CHRIS FLARE: “Some say he lurks in the darkness, waiting for a worthless human to stumble along so he can suck their blood for another day at living. Which is inaccurate, because I have met the guy and really, he just needs fashion to live. It is some weird Vampire Birth Disorder, in which he requires fashion too live. Coral Fang!”

Robbie California looks disappointed but heads out to the ring for what can only be described as one heck of a match between two jokes.

ROBBIE CALIFORNIA vs. CORAL FANG

Out from the back first is a not so fan favorite in Robbie California, or the artists formerly known as Hand Solo. Robbie California slides into the ring and gets the big old boo from the fans. Out from the back next is Coral Fang, sucking out fashion from every pore of society to survive. He gets quite the reaction from the fans and Coral Fang waves at them. Coral Fang sees a young woman in the front row and he walks over and absorbs her fashion as she claps him on. Coral Fang releases his fashion sucking abilities and slides into the ring.

Robbie California takes Coral Fang to the mat with a clothes line. California crawls onto his chest and delivers three stiff punches. Coral Fang kicks California off of him and into the corner. Coral Fang kips up to his feet and takes him over the top with a clothes line. California tries to abandon the match, but Coral Fang rolls to the outside and sends him into the steel steps. Coral Fang picks him up to his feet and he hits a back body drop onto the padded floor.

Coral Fang slides in the ring and Robbie California is hesitant to get into the ring, so Coral Fang hits a baseball slide to the outside. Robbie California crashes into the steel rail and Coral Fang picks him up and drops him onto the steel rail. Coral Fang sends Robbie California into the steel steps once again and Robbie California has trouble standing.

The referee encourages Coral Fang to stop the attack, but Coral Fang dismisses the comments and climbs onto the apron. As soon as Robbie gets up, Coral Fang kicks him in the face and California stands dazed for a few seconds. Coral Fang jumps off the apron and hits a tornado DDT right onto the padding. California is down and out as Coral Fang slides into the ring.

Tyrone Jackson makes his way to the ring and he helps Robbie California into the ring. Tyrone Jackson proceeds to head to the backstage area as Robbie California gets kicked in the gut and suplexed to the mat. Coral Fang makes the cover, but only a two count. Robbie California low blows Coral Fang and than hits a spinning heel kick. Robbie California gets to his feet and he climbs to the second rope. He flies off the second rope hoping to hit a leg drop, but Coral Fang rolls out of the way. California hits nothing but mat!

Robbie California is up to his feet and Coral Fang slaps him upside the head and than hits a nice roundhouse kick straight to the forehead. Robbie California falls to the ground and he is out cold. Coral Fang makes the 1-2-… but wait, Tyrone Jackson rips the referee out of the ring. The referee begins to argue with him, so Tyrone Jackson applies a bear hug and than rams the referee into the steel ring post. Tyrone Jackson rips off his shirt to reveal a referee shirt.

Coral Fang starts talking trash to Tyrone Jackson and Jackson shoves him into a neck breaker by Robbie California. California drapes his arm over Coral Fang and Tyrone Jackson refuses to make the pin. Robbie California gets to his feet and he argues with Tyrone Jackson. Jackson kicks him in the gut and hits a brutal power bomb. Ouch!

Coral Fang makes the cover and Tyrone Jackson makes the three count. Coral Fang questions what the hell is going on, but Tyrone Jackson warns him to head on to the backstage area. Out from the backstage area is Chris Flare with a smug grin on his face. He carries a sledge hammer in his hand and he gets into the ring. Robbie California gets to his feet and sees the hammer and is worried.

CHRIS FLARE: “Worried? I would be too. Ever since I have tried to run this show for my good friend Dallas Darke, you seem to have a problem with everything. And I am sick and tired of it. I offer you two solutions to the problem. The first is, you stop bitching and realize that I am in charge for the time being. Which is a good solution. The other solution is I knock your brains out with this sledgehammer and if you manage to survive the shot to the head, well… you’ll be in the unemployment line. What will it be?”

Chris Flare hands Robbie California the microphone and he looks skeptical of what he should do. California thinks about it and than replies.

ROBBIE CALIFORNIA: “Chris, I’ll sit down and shut up. I love my job and… well, I love my life.”

Robbie California drops the microphone and goes to hug Chris Flare. But wait, Chris Flare hits him in the ribs with the sledge hammer and California falls to the mat in pain. Chris Flare raises the sledgehammer high above his head and drops it into the gut of Robbie California. Chris Flare grabs the microphone and speaks up.

CHRIS FLARE: “I could have crushed your forehead, I could have crushed your throat, I could have crushed your heart, I could have crushed your DICK. But I chose to crush your ribs, as a sign of the power I hold, you son of a bitch. You think I am going to give you a free-ride with a pair of broken ribs? Fuck no. Next week, you’ll fight in a tag-team cage match against the Jewish Street Crew with you a partner of your choice.”

Robbie California is rolling around the mat in pain, screaming for help as Chris Flare stands over him with a sadistic smile on his face. Perhaps Chris Flare subbing in for Dallas Darke isn’t the best of idea’s. He has already been cautioned by PunkRockPete, wrestling veteran and guru. And now he just broke the ribs of Robbie California for no reason.

WINNER: CORAL FANG

Out from the backstage is Fabulous and Magnificent are out from the backstage with their scissor and hair brushes in hand. They observe various members of the crowd and mock their hair cuts. They slide into the ring and Fabulous grabs the same microphone that Chris Flare just spoke into. It is once again time for Quick Cuts with the Hairdressers!

FABULOUS: “Well, well, welcccccccome to Quick Cuts. It seems we have some criminals in the building. And not just ANY criminals, but men and women who have committed crimes against their hair. Lets bring one lucky fan into the ring to fix up their hair…”

From the entrance ramp though, The Black Guy’s music hits and the crowd favorite makes his way to the ring. Perhaps he wants a hair cut from the two flamboyant super stars.

THE BLACK GUY: “Supppppp my nigger diggers! TBG heard you guys were giving OUT free hair cuts. And I was texting my friend and I was likkkkkkkkke, ‘I need to get myself a hair cut, boi’. And you know who is going to give me my hair cut? You two prisms.”

FABULOUS: “Did you just call me a prism?”

THE BLACK GUY: “You bet your stanky ass dollar bill, I did.”

FABULOUS: “As in the shape and… nevermind. You want a hair cut from us, the world renowned wrestling / HAIR DRESSERS? We’ve cut the hair of the best and the worst. And let me tell you, we are both feared and revered.”

THE BLACK GUY: “Yeah, just be kind to my hair.”

The Black Guy sits in the chair. And Magnificent puts on the gown. And wait, Fabulous hand cuffs him to the chair. What the hell is going on here. The Black Guy struggles against the two hair dressers and they laugh in a menancing voice.

FABULOUS: “I hope you hate your hair… because, Black Guy, we are going to shave it bald.”

Oh no! They get out the clippers and proceed to shave the head of the Black Guy as he tries to break free from the hand cuffs. Half way through, eventually he does and attacks both men with lefts and rights. The Black Guy hits Fabulous with the TOKEN and he is up to his feet and he raises his hands in the air. But wait, what the hell is this? Magnificent has the scissors in his hand and he stabs The Black Guy in the spine with them. The Black Guy falls to the mat in immense pain, screaming.

Fabulous proceeds to get to his feet and he stands over The Black Guy who has the scissors digging into his spine. Fabulous proceeds to push down on the scissors with his shoe and the Black Guy stops moving and has become paralyzed.

FABOLOUS: “That teaches, you damn PARALYZED NIGGER. Don’t mess with the BEST hair dressers in the world.”

Paramedics rush out to the ring and are very careful with helping the Black Guy who is legitimately paralyzed from the attack with the scissors. The Hairdressers head to the backstage area as the Black Guy is tended too. What a freaking wild night.

DALLAS DARKE APPRECIATION TITLE MATCH

JIMMY REBEL vs. MR. INADEQUATE

Out from the backstage first is Jimmy Rebel with a sign that says, ´SCHIAVO SHOULD GET THE CHAIR’. Wow, just wow. On the back side of it says, ‘DON’T GET WELL, POPE.’ Jimmy Rebel is apparently unaware that the Pope passed away. Or perhaps this show was taped before he died…

Mr. Inadequate, the man who thrives on making sure people are adequate makes his way to the ring with the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title and he looks really adequate and ready. Mr. Inadequate raises the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title in the air and kisses it.

Jimmy Rebel attacks Mr. Inadequate with a barrage of fists. Jimmy Rebel sends him into the ropes and attacks him with punch after punch. Jimmy Rebel drags him to the middle of the ring and hits a snap suplex. Jimmy Rebel climbs to the second rope and hits a Frog Splash! Jimmy Rebel hooks the leg but Mr. Inadequate kicks out! Jimmy Rebel picks up Mr. Inadequate and goes for another snap suplex, but Mr. Inadequate floats over and lands on his chest.

Jimmy Rebel kicks out at the two count and Rebel looks surprised at the wrestling skills that Mr. Inadequate is currently showing. Mr. Inadequate nods his head and mouths the word, ‘you are mine’. Jimmy Rebel goes to the outside and holds up his sign saying, ‘SCHIAVO SHOULD GET THE CHAIR’. Mr. Inadequate slides to the outside and spears Jimmy Rebel into the steel railing. Jimmy Rebel sends him over the railing with a belly to belly suplex.

Jimmy Rebel hits a spring board drop kick off the railing and Mr. Inadequate takes the dropkick like a champion. Mr. Inadequate falls onto a young girl in the audience. Jimmy Rebel grabs the girl by the hair and slaps her across the face. Mr. Inadequate grabs something underneath one of the chairs… and it turns out to be a chain saw. Mr. Inadequate raises it in the air and chases Jimmy Rebel back to the middle of the ring.

Jimmy Rebel is on his knees, pleading with Mr. Inadequate. Jimmy Rebel hits a perfect low-blow out of the middle of no where. Mr. Inadequate seems to be in an usual amount of pain as he hoots and hollers. Jimmy Rebel holds his hand in pain as though he just hit something metal. Jimmy Rebel covers, but Mr. Inadequate kicks out! Mr. Inadequate slams his hands against the mat and he is apparently hulking up!

Jimmy Rebel throws a punch, but. Mr. Inadequate absorbs the shot without losing a stride. Mr. Inadequate takes him to the mat with a shove! Mr. Inadequate hits a leg drop! 1-2… KICKOUT. Jimmy Rebel is up to his feet and Mr. Inadequate hits a hip toss. Jimmy Rebel is up to his feet and he gets dropped with another hip-toss. Mr. Inadequate goes for another leg drop, but Jimmy Rebel rolls out of the way. Mr. Inadequate hits nothing but mat!

Jimmy Rebel is climbing to the top rope, but Mr. Inadequate stops him. Mr. Inadequate throws Jimmy Rebel to the ground, sitting against the bottom turn buckle. Mr. Inadequate hits a killer bronco buster and Jimmy Rebel is knocked out. Mr. Inadequate drags him to the middle of the ring and makes the cover… 1-2-3! Mr. Inadequate grabs the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title and he raises it high into the air.

Jimmy Rebel is getting helped to the backstage area and the fans can only wonder what Mr. Inadequate has to say in his huge announcement.

WINNER: MR. INADEQUATE

Mr. Inadequate grabs the house microphone and the fans are silent.

Mr. Inadequate: “You know, I tried to make everyone’s life more adequate. And… it didn’t work. I don’t know why… I’ve realized you have to look out for NUMBER ONE… your penis.”

Mr. Inadequate proceeds to pull down the trunk of his pants, revealing his now pierced penis.

Mr. Inadequate: “Your penis is like an extension of who you are. I gave my penis a little crown. And from now on, I will be King Albert and he will be my Prince Albert! And if anyone has a problem with that…”

Voice Of The Voiceless by Rage Against the Machine plays and the fans are on their feet in anticipation, well aware that it is the theme music of Dallas Darke! The fans look high and low for him, but he is no where. Dallas Darke appears behind him, ripping the Dallas Darke Appreciation Title off his shoulders and knocking him out cold with it. Dallas Darke grabs his microphone.

Dallas Darke: “I am wanted for crimes I did not commit! And there is only one way to clear my name… next week on MBSEL, we are providing perhaps the most innovative wrestling IDEA known to mankind. MBSEL… THE MUSICAL. This was surely clear my name, because I will join alongside the MBSEL crew to sing classic songs that will never leave your head, and wrestle. Tune in, because we blow the so called competition out of the water.”

Dallas Darke tosses the microphone into the audience and the lights go out. Dallas Darke escapes from the arena in a mysterious fashion, probably to avoid the police escort that would ensue. The fans are left in shock… MBSEL THE MUSICAL, DALLAS DARKE A CRIMINAL, KING ALBERT, THE BLACK GUY IS KNOW THE PARALYZED BLACK GUY. Who the fuck knows? Tune in next week.

[JStarr]

lol, america