UMW - Ultimate Mattress Wrestling

[probablyoliver]

Nah they're using metal, like PaPa RoAcH and Good Charlotte. (Y)

[The Dork Knight]

Nothing says metal like Good Charlotte. Megadeth? Metallica? Anthrax? That's pop compared to Good Charlotte.

TDK

[Guest UMW]

Since when the hell is good charlotte metal, It is blues (Y) . jk I hate blues. We don't use good charlotte. We might use getting away with mrder by Papa Roach.

[Yitzy]

Bwhahaha, this is awesome, you NEED to have UMW-style internet reports you know:

Rumors:

SPOILERS:

Oscar will possibly be turning face(good).

Alex will possibly turn Heel(bad).

[Guest UMW]

I just did that because as of then I just started and needed to fill it with something so i did.

[Summers]

Nah they're using metal, like PaPa RoAcH and Good Charlotte. (Y)

←

Hey now.

Back down.

[Draevyn]

This is truly classic here. I think I'm gonna be a mark for Don

[Nick Adams]

Great...now I have to find pictures of people on my roster, because, save Bulldust, they're all real...

DAMN YOU!

Still, interesting concept. I suppose that it has potential. The small problem is that with a 15-year-old being the ultimate monster in the company, you have to wonder how far you'll get until you eventually wind up being semi-serious...

Ah, the hilarity...but does TEW actually allow people of that age level? If so, damn, I need to get that game, simply to re-book a few things for back when my friends and I were 17...

[jonnypolo]

Great Stuff. I was expecting a UMW diary, and here it is. Long Live, UMW!

[paidelr]

I'm using EWR for this. I just put Cynthia as 18 years old (since that's the youngest age for an active wrestler and she's really... 9 in real life). Then all the 11 year olds are 20, the 12 years olds, 21, and Don is 24.

God it sounds even worse when I type it

Might have another show up tonight due to me being more bored than shit, four beer inside of me, and... other stuff.

[NobBe Nobbs]

This is truly classic here. I think I'm gonna be a mark for Don

←

[Guest UMW]

We havbe new wrestlers. Mac,Rodrigez, Peter, and Anthony D.

[paidelr]

Alright, well when Sophie tells me we need more wrestlers I'll bring them. But they need to have pictures.

September 25

Back to Skool

Results

Welcome to another great UMW show! The parents were able to deliver the stars of tomorrow safely and we thank them for that. This month's show is centred around Alex's challenge to US Champion, Don. The challenge was made at the end of the last show and since Alex is the owner and stuff, well he made the match and it will go on today! The forecast is a little overcast but don't worry, no rain is scheduled! A capacity crowd of three once again packs into Alex's backyard thanks to the local priest coming over to visit again. Either this family is VERY religious or... COUNCILLING BABY~!

Oscar .vs. Tom

.vs.

We start the show with fan favourite Oscar out to face "Mr. Do-Rag" Tom. Yes, I learnt how to spell do-rag for this match. If you uninformed or live under a rock, the rules in UMW are the following. All matches take place on a king-size mattress. The only way to win is to have both of your opponents FEET to be off the mattress on the grass. If there is more than one opponent in the match, you must be the last person standing on the bed mattress. It's not rocket science people!

Oscar wants to start the match with a handshake but Tom will have none of that. Major heel heat!! This upsets Oscar and he elbows Tom in the side of the head. Oscar tosses his nerdy glasses to the size and dropkicks Tom to the ground! Oscar tries to shove Tom off the mattress and end the match quick but Tom no-sells the shoves and eye gouges Oscar. That's illegal ref!

Both men to their feet and fighting back and forth. Tom picks up Oscar and gives him a body slam. Oscar clutches his back in pain causing Tom to check on him and make sure he is okay. Oscar wows the crowd by revealing himself to have been faking the pain! Oscar pokes Tom in the eye and trips him up with his feet! Tom goes flying off the mattress and we have a winner!

Winner: Oscar via Trip @ 3:29

Oscar .vs. Alex .vs. Tom .vs. Tony .vs. Waqas (Cruiserweight Title Clusterfrick)

.vs .vs. .vs. .vs. No Image Available

Before the match Don stands back at the entrance map and yells insults at the five men on the bed. In the ring, the five competitors in the match seem to be having trouble just FITTING on the mattress. As the match starts, all five men sits themselves spread out across the mattress and don't budge one bit. After about thirty seconds of not moving, the crowd starts a "boring" chant. I bet these wrestlers' hearts are CRUSHED after hearing that chant!

Some time later...

After what seems like an eternity of just waiting, all five men stay in their respective positions, not wanting to break their dream of becoming Cruiserweight title. Don is finishing up some cookies and milk back at the entrance ramp. Upon swallowing his last cookie, Don lets out a roar and a growl. With a charge, he runs at the mattress. The five competitors in the ring tighten up abit and brace for Don. Don runs onto the mattress and and does a big splash to no one in particular. Everybody scrambles off the mattress for safety except...

...

...

Oscar! "The Superstar"clutches the side of the mattress. Don makes a splash on the mattress before getting up and seeing that Oscar is the winner. Satisfied, he leaves the ring, dusts himself off and acts like nothing has happened. Oscar is awarded the Cruiserweight title and he celebrates in the middle of the ring.

Winner: Oscar via Don @ 17:12

Don .vs. Waqas

.vs.

Well after that display of ability from Don last match, I know that I would be scared facing him! Look at Waqas, he's shaking in his boots as he walks! Wait no, he just walks bowl-legged, my bad. Once both men are in the ring, the rules are gone over, blah blah blah. The bell rings and we are off with Don hitting a quick knee to the head. Don goes for the Bodyslam on Waqas but Wagas slips out steps on the toe of Don. That was UNCALLED FOR!!!

Waqas is in control now, hitting a knee to the gut and a DDT! Don tries to get back up but Waqas pounces on his bad. OMG HARDCORE!~!! Waqas attempts to irish whip Don off the mattress but Don no-sells, kicks Waqas in the cut and hits him with a Tiger Suplex... variation. Don picks Waqas up and promptly tosses him to the grass off the mattress!

Winner: Don via Tiger Suplex Variation @ 4:02

Tony .vs. Alex

.vs.

We are reminded that both of these men lost earlier on in the Cruiserweight Title epic match. Whatever that means anymore... The CEO and owner of UMW (Alex to you idiots) gets the first shot in to start the match, going to work the arm of Tony. Alex hits a spear maneouvre and then a big splash on Tony, who lets out a very sexual and homoerotic moan. Alex goes for the leg drop but Tony moves himself out of the way and hits a low blow. HEEL!!!!

Tony flexes his muscles for the crowd but this is too long of a wait as Alex responds by no-selling the low flow, poking Tony in the eye, and then spearing him to the ground. Tony rolls around holding his eye and Alex waits for him to get up for his finisher I guess.

From the crowd.... or across the backyard comes DON! Don roars before getting into the ring. Don turns Alex around and hits him with a forearm. BAH GAWD WHAT A FOREARM!!! Don DDT's Alex and leaves him OUT! Smell the hype for the US Title match later on today!

Winner: Alex by DQ via interference from Don @ 3:48

Tony .vs. Alex .vs. Oscar

.vs .vs.

Wait didn't we just see this match? Oh well, I guess because Oscar is added that it will just be THAT much better. Don leaves the ring and the guys backstage tell him that he won't get anymore cookie and milk if he interferes again. Party poopers. Don agrees and this match is able to get started.

Tony and Alex go after to continue their war from last match. They trade punches back and forth and take each other out with clotheslines. Oscar, not wanting to be left out, picks up Tony and gives him a stiff shot to the head! Alex gets up and goes after Oscar, but Oscar ducks the punch and gives a headbutt! The crowd rallies behind Oscar and he feels the chants and all of the people behind him.

WHAM!!

Oscar flops down on the mattress. Tony is standing tall holding Oscar's Cruiserweight title. Can you say "stiff belt shot"? Oscar rolls in pain so much that he rolls right off the mattress!

Eliminated: Oscar via Belt Shot by Ton @ 2:47

Tony flexes his muscles for some heel heat before taunting Alex. The CEO of UMQ stands up and DUCKS the belt shot! Alex kicks Tony in the gut and DDT's  him! Alex picks up Tony and hits a standing 1080 splash BECAUSE HE IS REALLY THE MOST TALENTED WRESTLER IN THE COMPANY AND ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE SUCK! Alex goes for the win by picking up Tony and attempting to..... BELT SHOT!! BAH GAWD ANOTHER BELT SHOT!! Tony no-sells! Tony no-sells!

Tony picks up Alex and tosses him out for the win. Take that for being the "most talented" you jackass.

Winner: Tony via Belt Shot @ 5:02

Don© .vs. Alex (US Title)

.vs.

It's the match we've been waiting for all day! The epic battle between Don and Alex is going to come to end right here! Well, unless they don't want to and in that case, I could give a shit. Alex is bandaged up  from the stiff belt shot he sustained at the end of last match. Don roars when he comes down to the ring and taunts the fans. What a badass.

Alex tries to start the match off on a good note but he fails painfully, quickly hit with a Suplex and a Body Press Slam. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little bit. Don picks up Alex by his hair and lifts him into the air. THE SUN GETS INTO ALEX's EYES BAH GAWD!! I guess it doesn't just happen during his entrance! Don slams Alex to the ground. Don could eliminate Alex and win the match now but he elects to put more of a beating on him instead. Don lifts up Alex.. LOW BLOW BY ALEX! Wow, that was a mistake Don you idiot. Alex DDT's Don to the ground and takes control in the match.

Don slowly rises to his feet and is met with a barrage of punches from the UMW CEO. Don flops down to the ground and Alex gets an idea, grabbing the US Title belt! Don rises to his feet and Alex swings but Don ducks the attack! Don kicks Alex in the gut, F5! God, that was better than a Lesnar F5!! Don picks up Alex and tosses him out of the ring to retain his title!

Winner: Don via F5 @ 4:21

Don has sent a message to the whole UMW roster that HE is the man to beat! Who can beat this monster? For Paidy and all of the Extreme Warfare Battleground, UMW Heat is O-U-T!

[Guest UMW]

As I said we use pinfalls nd submissions and we have new wrestlers now.

[Guest ryan_the_canuck]

Diaries don't have to be realistic. In fact, you could argue that none of the greatest diaries in EWB history have been realistic.

[Guest UMW]

yes, but it should at least be pinfall and submission. We also use gym mats, thatshould be used also if u guys keep making fun of me you should see my last post in the UMW thread in advertising if you say that that guy is stupid u guys are all fags.

[Draevyn]

That's right peeps, nobody beats my man Don *puts on his newly aquired "Har-Don" Jacket

[shockwave]

Whatever mate, its all about Tom AKA "THE MEANING OF PAIN!!1!1!!"

[Derek4jc]

hahaha... what did I tell you. I knew his comments were gonna make this (semi)entertaining for me.

[Guest UMW]

guys all of you who mock me are fags.