UMW - Ultimate Mattress Wrestling

[paidelr]

Ultimate Mattress Wrestling

A.k.A.

The best Mattress wrestling this side of Texas

A.k.A.

U-M-Dub

A.k.A.

This weeks EWB joke

A.k.A.

The understatement of the century

A.k.A.

The home of Oscar

A.k.A.

Almost as big of a guilty pleasure as LUEshi is

Whatever you want to call it, you cannot deny that UMW has taken over our daily lives and has become the next "thing". What the Star Wars trilogy was to the movie business, UMW is to the wrestling business... or something like that. Let me just introduce you!

Wrestlers

Alex

The owner, CEO, and onscreen commissioner of UMW. Plus all of the events are held in his backyard so the other guys had no choice. May look scrawny, but thats only because the SUN GOT IN HIS EYES DURING HIS ENTRANCE SOMETIMES!! Has no wrestling skill but one guy does anymore? Has a great attitude and behavior, that counts for something doesn't it? DOESN"T IT????

Cynthia

Alex's younger sister and man is this chick hawt! Her bra size is... well she doesn't wear a bra yet but Michael Jackson look out! This chick can kick some ass! Serves as Alex's manager and the ringer announce when the UMW shows aren't held during her nap time. What, I had naps at 9 years old!

Don

The oldest guy in the federation at a whopping fifteen years old! Don't step on his shoes because this guy is the next Triple H baby! The only thing stopping Don from becoming a star is his attitude and behavior. Those wife and kids can become a burden you know! When Don can make the shoes, he comes to kick ass on the mattress and do nothing but. You won't find Don on the microphone very much right now because he has a brain hemmorage. Why else do you think he hangs around twelve year olds?

Oscar

Oscar = Ratings and everybody knows so! Don't let his lack of smile scare you, Oscar is really outgoing! Sure in his profile picture he looks like he just pee'ed himself but the weight of the belt on his shoulder is just getting to him. Expect Oscar to be a star in UMW.

Tom

Now I know what your thinking and I agree. That gap in his teeth is HUGE! What he lacks in speed, technique, and charisma he makes up for his strength. Having bulging biceps and being hung like a horse has helped a ton of people and Tom is one of those! Disregard the fact that he has a bland, boring, unoriginal name because Tom is the real deal!

Tony

Hey John Cena, you can't see Tony bee-yotch! No that is not a sock on his head, that is a legitimate doo rag! With Tony's bad-ass-ness and weight advantage due to his parents forcing him to eat McDonalds till he was seven, this is the real deal. Don't get in Tony's way because he'll kick your ass and pin you 1, 2...... nevermind.

Waqas

I know what your thinking. What kind of sick parents would name you Waqas? Sounds like a chocolate Ritz cracker. Waqas has no picture. Is that because he's really ugly? Maybe his parents haven't bought a camera yet. Whatever the case it, every federation needs a jobber, right?

Edited July 9, 2005 by Paidy

[The Dork Knight]

Very, very interesting. Hopefully you'll give Oscar the UMW title...

TDK

Edited July 9, 2005 by The Dork Knight

[Jonny D]

Yay. I've been waiting for this. Oscar needs to win the UMW title.

[probablyoliver]

Paidy, I... I... I think I love you. Although I don't see this staying funny for a long time, it's one of those fad's that wears out. But still, it'll be funny as shit until then (Y)

[Guest UMW]

Dude I have the most wrestling ability in the whole fed. I am not the best but I put on the best matches. I only said that my eyes looked weird because of the sun I am sort of small looking but I am building my muscles every day.

[Derek4jc]

I've decided I'm going to read this JUST for his comments on your posts

[paidelr]

Oh and believe me, there WILL be comments.

Yup, this will be funny till it's not funny.

HEAT Results

Alex's Backyard

Attendance: 3

Yes, so a capacity crowd has filled Alex's backyard for this sausage-fest. Well, we'll just call it a bacon-fest. By capacity crowd, I mean that Alex's Dad is watching the show by recording it with his video camera in between watching porn on the home computer and Alex's Mom is out to give cookies and milk every few minutes. The public priest has also come over to Alex's fest to chat with his mom, he counts as attendance right?

Interview with Alex

Oh my God, they're actually going through with this. Ahem, I mean to say that Alex is out to the ring to start UMW Heat. Alex goes over the rules for those fans who don't know the rules. Rather than giving a word-for-word summary, I'll just tell you them myself.

Rules

In a 1-on-1 singles match, the only way to win is for BOTH of your opponents feet to touch the grass and be off the mattress.

If more than two people are involved in a match, the winner is the last person left on the bed mattress.. How big is this mattress you ask? This is a king size one, nothing is cheap around here!

Anyways, after Alex is done with the rules, he quickly goes through each person that is here for the event. Good thing everybody is here or we could have some pissed off fanboys. To finish off, Alex puts himself over by saying that he is going to win all of his matches. You hear that boys, some grade-A spoilers!

Alex w/Cynthia .vs. Tom

.vs.

The pictures above are brought to you by D-Lyrium forums and are used so that you can remember which two little shits are wrestling each other. As Alex is already on the mattress, we simply wait for the entrance of his nine year old sister, Cynthia. The first "mistake" of the night happens when Alex has to break character in order to call his sister out from inside the house. She was in the bathroom. What has this world come to? Tom comes out to the ring next, du-rag and all. I laugh.

Both men are in the ring now and the crowd is going wild. STAREDOWN!!~!!OMGWTF~!?! Tom starts the match with a push on Alex, almost ending the match right there!! Alex comes back with a spear to take himself and Tom to the ground. The two punch each other close-fisted and roll around trying to bloody each other up. This is like grade-C porn right here. Tom seems to grab the advantage on Alex but Cynthia is in to pull Tom's hair and back up her brother! How cute.

Both men are up now. Tom goes for the german suplex but Alex sort of flops down on top of him. Ouch. Alex gives Tom in the leg and he cries out for help. Tom gets up and charges at Alex, but Alex with the sidestep! Tom is at the edge of the mattress and Alex pushes him off! WINNNERRRRRR!!

Winner: Alex via Push @ 2:39

Waqas .vs. Oscar .vs. Tony

No Image .vs. .vs

Time to fit three kids onto one mattress. Where's Michael Jackson where you need him? Better get used to those jokes because you can expect lots! The first huge chant of the night is out and it's for Oscar. I bet you his parents are proud right now. Tony flexes his muscles for the crowd to get some heel heat. What does Waqas look like? I wish I could know!!

The match starts with Waqas and Oscar going on a double team to almost eliminate Tony for the match in the first ten seconds! Waqas and Oscar cheer with each other but SWERVE~! Oscar attacks Waqas and hits him with a chop before locking in a headlock. Tears begin to slowly flow down Waqas' face and he complains about Oscar being unfair. Oscar apologies to his friend and unlocks the headlock. Aww, how nice.

Oscar helps Waqas to his feet and pats his back. Tony is now in with a spear on Oscar!! The crowd boos as Tony stomps on Oscar back and forth. Waqas wipes the last of the tears from his face and hits the Surfboard Lock on Tony!! Oscar is up to clothesline Waqas to the ground. Holy shit!! Tony quickly gets up and he starts a pushing fight with Oscar. Oscar just helped you idiot!!

Tony tries to use his muscles to know Oscar off the mattress, but Oscar ducks the atttack and hits a Drop-Toe-Hold!! Tony goes flying and nearly makes the gap in his teeth even bigger by knocking his face on the ground!

Eliminated: Tony by Oscar via Drop-Toe-Hold

Oscar looks over the mattress at his friend to check if he's alright. Waqas comes from behind and shoves Oscar off the mattress!!

Eliminated: Oscar by Waqas via Shove

Winner: Waqas @ 3:47

Don .vs. Tony .vs. Alex (US Title)

.vs. .vs.

You mean Tony doesn't even get a break before his next match? I call bias there! With all three men now on the mattress, Oscar brings out the US Title, a true WWE replica, for this match. Oscar places the belt up against the side of the mattress and the match begins! Tony charges at Don but the 15 year old manhandles him and picks him up, CHOKESLAM!! Don looks at Alex back and forth and they lock up!! Don picks up Alex and throws him down on the mattress too!

Don celebrates in the ring while Alex secretly gets the US Title belt from the outside of the ring. BELT SHOT~! Alex smiles at Don reacts to the belt shot. NO SOLD!! BAW GAWD HE JUST NO-SOLD THE BELT SHOT!!! Don moves over to Alex and attempts to pick him up by the legs to throw him off the mattress but Tony is in the for the save by jumping onto Don's back. Don lets out a roar and throws Tony over his shoulder off the mattress!

Eliminated: Tony by Don via Overhead Toss

Alex is to his feet and he tries to take out Don by the leg. Alex connects and Don is down on the ground. Alex picks up the belt again and goes for the stiff belt shot to the head by Don moves his head. Don grabs Alex by the neck and picks him up... CHOKESLAM! Don lets out another roar before picking Alex up and throwing his off the mattress. Can you saw squash?

Eliminated: Alex by Don via Chokeslam

Winner: Don @ 4:21

Oscar .vs. Waqas (Special Referee: Cynthia)

No Picture Available .vs.

Why is Cynthia special referee for this match? I don't know, if you wanted something logical you should go watch Martha Stewart. Oscar gets another huge pop, the fans love this guy! The fans boo Waqas because he has no picture. Are you guys starting to see a pattern here? Anyway, blah blah, the match starts.

Oscar sidesteps a charge from Waqas and then stomps on his back! Tears start to form in Waqas' eyes again. Looks like we found the cry-baby in the group. Either that or Oscar is being stiff! OMG heel heat~! Oscar plays the nice friend and waits for Waqas to stand up and be ready to fight. The two then lock up and trade punches back and forth. CLOSE YOUR FISTS!! Oscar goes for the Spinebuster but instead headbutts Waqas in the nuts. Nice job on that one, we'll add it to the highlight reel.

Oscar stares down Waqas and gives him the Viscera splash!! Oscar adjusts his glasses after that one before trying to shove Waqas off the mattress. Waqas fights back with some weak punches which forces Oscar to back off. Waqas gets up and trying to spear Oscar but in a major baby-face way, Oscar moves to the side and pushes Waqas off the mattress!!

Winner: Oscar via Shove @ 3:01

Don .vs. Tony .vs. Tom .vs. Oscar (Hardcore Title; Hanging Belt Match)

.vs. .vs .vs

So, I'm sorry to disappoint you guys but the guys at UMW couldn't buy something to hang the belt from with $2.50 so the belt is now hanging around a tree branch about ten yards away from the mattress. Because of that, being off the mattress is nothing. The first person to grab the belt is the winner, by any means necessary!!

Looks like the guys involved in this match planned ahead. Don brings out his newly won US Title, Tony doesn't bring nothing but he's got the MUSCLE, Oscar brings some cardboard boxes, and Tom has his Du-Rag, go him.

As the match begins, Tom tries to end it as fast as he can by running towards the tree to grab the belt. Unlucky him, he's FAT and Don grabs him and tosses him to the ground with a roar. Oscar and Tony stay back in the ring to fight........ Shit, everybody forgot about Don and he grabs the title.

Winner: Don @ 0:21

Well son of a bitch, looks like Don didn't want to waste his time. Tom, Tony, and Oscar all run at Don and scream at him for "cheating". Don doesn't care and runs into the house. Screw him. All three of Don's opponents stop for breath. Oscar uses the carboard box he brought to the ring and SMASHES TOM's FACE IN!! Oscar shrugs and smiles. Wow, what a warrior.

Alex .vs. Waqas

.vs. No Image

Well after the mayhem that ocurred last match, lets hope that we can end the match on a good note. Alex and Waqas are out for the main event. Well, it's really only because they had one less match but 80% of the crowd won't notice that...

With Waqas in the ring, Alex comes out with his entrance, BUT THE SUN GETS IN HIS EYES!! Bah gawd what is going on?? Alex charges to the ring and takes down Waqas inside. Alex and Waqas punch each other back and forth. Waqas tries a powerbomb on Alex but he realizes that he can't lift Alex up. Damnit! Alex does a leg-takedown on Waqas, almost eliminating him from the mattress! Alex tries to push Waqas from the mattress but when you look at his picture above, do you really think he could push ANYBODY off the mattress?

Waqas fights his way back into the ring and bodyslam's Alex ANDRE STYLE~! Waqas goes for the big splash but Alex moves! Waqas gets up and Alex spears him!! Waqas flies off the mattress and Alex flies off after him but Waqas hits the grass first!

Winner: Alex via Spear @ 3:51

Waqas leaves the ring but Alex gets back onto the mattress.

Alex: Don, you better watch out. Just because I'm only 11... or 12 or something, doesn' mean I can't kick your bum! At next month's PPV, Back to Skool, I'm gonna take you out and win your US Title!

End show!

[Thomas]

Don is a monster.

[Hailtothechimp]

wow, underage kids on a matress = should be on Comedy Central. Good stuff man.

[NobBe Nobbs]

I'm going for Don to be UMW's first superstar. Of course, he'll also get stolen, causing us to laugh as UMW, without it's biggest star, implodes.

[LL!]

I'm about to boycott this diary as my main man, Oscar, needs to win more matches and be David to Don's Goliath. Make it happen!

[probablyoliver]

Paidy, marry me.

That was a thing of hilarity, damn this needs a prime time slot.

[paidelr]

Thanks Ollie, anytime. :kiss:

Oh, and I forgot to put in the End of month notes but the show had 18 minutes of wrestling in it and 6 matches. YAY.

EDIT: Adam Ryland himself is reading the topic. HE NEEEEDS TO RESPOND!!!

Maybe he read the thread in the advertising forum.

Edited July 9, 2005 by Paidy

[Guest UMW]

Our shows take at lest 1 hour. Also we pin and make each other tap out now and we don't use a matress we use gym mats covered up to look cooler.

[paidelr]

I THINK I know your federation better than you do.

[Guest UMW]

lol no u don't

[oldskool]

Yeah, that's what the sarcasm and rolling eyes were supposed to tell you.

[Guest UMW]

OldSkool don't u think I know that u idiot. Thats why I put the lol.

Edited July 9, 2005 by UMW

[Jack Krauser III]

Because we all know lol is the universal mark of sarcasm.

Paidy, the theme songs for your show MUST be off those Kid's Bop CDs. It just fits.

[Guest UMW]

Hell no we ain't using kids bob.