"Wrestling.....YAAAAAAAAY!"

[probablyoliver]

Fix'd.

After realising my comic ramblings had become dry and un-witty I decided to fast forward through a lot of in-hilarious bullshit which had strayed from the awesomeness that this here diary had begun with. But we still went through with the terror attacks; it just didn't go as well as I first had hoped.

You see; on the day we had planned for blowing up Iowa, which was indeed the next Totally Tool show "Remembering 7/11" I realised a crucial mistake, "Remembering 7/11" was scheduled for Idaho, now Iowa.

Oh the anti-climaxicity, how it hurts thee.

However, this didn't stop me and a bunch of terrorists who no longer have names blowing up the Guthrie Centre, it’s just instead of blowing up shitty gimmicked wrestlers, and we blew up a salsa class. Cha-cha.

But still, swings and roundabouts.

I would have been arrested, had their not been a strange loophole in Iowa that allowed me to plead insanity and get out of everything.

Funny how this is working out.

Two weeks later I received an e-mail from the higher-ups in Totally Tool (I'm guessing Chris Hero, he's 6'4", ba-dum cha) saying that I had showed that I really was committed and they were giving me my job back, as long as I stuck to putting on shows, and not trying to be witty by tea bagging 5 year old girls (which, might I add, I received $250 for after sending it into America's Dumbest Home Movies). Of course I agreed, I'd put on some damn good shows.

Again, this is really working out for me.

So onwards and upwards to the next show "Rim Jobs and Job Squads", which will feature not one, not two, but three firsts for the world of professional wrestling.

First we'll see the very first physically handicapped match, as Tenacious Z faces off against the Sandbag, at first we thought the Sandman, but no, apparently some dude with stumps for arms and legs will be wrestling. Z has only one leg, and can't hit a shining wizard in fear of falling flat on his face, and the Human Sandbag can do nothing but munch on your ankles; this has never been seen in a wrestling ring before...

Then we'll see Beef Wellington teaming up with PETA and the newest member of the Wrestling Circus; face off against Chris Hero, Mike Quackenbush and the debuting Claudio Castagnoli in a Handicap tag match. Why is this a first? Well nobody from PETA have ever stepped into a ring before, seeing as they're all woofters... Actually, I'm sure quite a few of them have climbed into some rings, but I doubt that ring was 16x16, unless they were really loose. Anywho...

Our third and final never before seen match is between "Extremely Dull" Ian Rotten taking on the Lunchadore in the first ever Soda Chugging Challenge. The Lunchadore weighs in at around 450lb of pure tubbiness and is possibly Rikishi in a big mask, whilst Ian Rotten can't wrestle because he has a headache / tumour / skull fracture / cancer / whatever. It's going to be good.

Also Silent Sal will be looking to finger spell his way to victory as he faces off against Johnson Johnson, the worlds blackest man. We have no more details of Double-Johnson, except for the fact he likes to 'burn one' and gangsta rap and dislikes lynching and Dana Dameson.

Uncle Chester Molester, the worlds greatest wrestler ever will be going one on one with a man whose name remains nameless so that nobody knows what the nameless man's name really is, as he faces __________. Another debuting wrestler, __________ has no name, as he was raised by either a pack of wolves, or a family of deaf guys, either way, his nameless attributes mean he can't say a word, not that you'd want him too, anyway. Legend has it that _________ has absolutely no emotions what so ever. He won't tell us if these allegations are true.

There's a whole lot of shit on this card. Its gonna be God awful.

[NobBe Nobbs]

Are you kidding? Anything with Johnson Johnson and/or any member of the Wrestling Circus is a guaranteed pass. If somehow, Nibbles the hamster comes back to life and starts busting a groove before eating Mike Quackenbush's face, God himself will give you a V.I.P ticket to Heaven, first class no waiting. Hell, make Johnson Johnson the World's Greatest Wrestler and he'll give you all of Vin Diesel's powers too

[probablyoliver]

Vin Diesel's powers, eh?

I must say, I love the Johnson Johnson character, its an in joke between me and some friends, one of whom has the last name Johnson, we pretend he's black and call him Johnson Johnson .

[JStarr]

lol, america