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"It's a disgrace. Totally Tool can go to hell! Bastards!"

- Trik Davis.

"So for the first time in years, Wrestling is good again.

Then those Tool's decide to fuck it all up, just for some dude in a chicken suit."

- Ian Rotten.

"Well my penis is huge."

- Colt Cabana.

"You never know what you're going to get with a Totally Tool show.

Well... You do; bullshit. A whole lot of bullshit."

- Arik Cannon.

"So just because I'm black all my gimmicks are to do with my race. Assholes!"

- Bryce Benjamin.

"Loud Noises!"

- Chandler McClure.

"I swear if this is what wrestling is about, this business can burn in hell!"

- Eddie Kingston.

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. It's just some dudes playing grabass."

- Josh Abercrombie.

"I'll never work for Totally Tool again. Those dudes are fucked up."

- Justin Credible.

"I get to play this blind dude. It was funny once. It'll get old soon."

- Bryce Remsburg.

"Gays? Check. The Homeless? Check. Twinkie's? Check.

All we need is some Mexicans and it sounds like a good weekend."

- Eric Priest.

"Didn't we have Satan here last month?"

- Chris Hero.

...Totally Tool Wrestling...

...Coming Soon...

Edited by Ollie Beak
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Please Note:

There are a few names that are not on here from the actual TTW roster, and a few names added, due to my plans and stuff like that. Also some guys are not played by who they may actually be played by in real life, due to me being unable to find out who played which parts. For instance, I'm pretty sure it wasn't Matt Sydal and Fast Eddie who play the New New Rockers, but they go down well with the part in question, so that is who I'm using. Also the gimmicks may be off, I just went with what I found humorous. I hope you do too. :) I stole the way I set-out the roster from Kou's Tom Waits Wrestling, its short, and no shows were posted, but go read it, it's a fantastic way to waste 15 minutes!



Wrestler: Adrian Serrano.

Played By: Himself.

Gimmick: No gimmicks needed, "Argh, look at me, I'm a badass, with no gimmick, grrrrrrr."

Wrestler: Chris Hero.

Played By: Chris Hero (Shocking).

Gimmick: Hero is one of the few normal wrestlers in TTW. He's just a straight wrestler, with an edge. We don't know what the edge is, but it beats having a normal wrestler.

Wrestler: Dunn.

Played By: Kevin Dunn.

Gimmick: Dunn teams with Marcos as the "NEW" New New Rockers, a team which respects the legend of the "New" New Rockers, Marty Michaels & Shawn Cassidy, who worship the "New" Rockers, Marty Jannety & Al Snow, who were a lacklustre version of the Rockers, Marty Jannety & Shawn Michaels... Yeah...

Wrestler: Habib The Egyptian Magician.

Played By: Marco Cordova.

Gimmick: Using ancient wisdom and some hocus pocus wizardry, Habib is a Magician with a difference... This one is Egyptian. And now, armed with a magic wand and a head towel, Habib is out to prove two things. Magic is real, and so are Egyptians. We don't think it makes much sense either... I suppose it's better than a Wrestling Twinkie, thank the lord we don't have that.

Wrestler: Ian Rotten.

Played By: You guessed it... Ian Rotten.

Gimmick: After a skull fracture, Ian Rotten can't exactly wrestle anymore. Well not in your normal everyday match, but Totally Tool isn't about the normality of wrestling, oh no. A master of the 'First Man Standing' match, Rotten is out to prove that you don't need to kick ass to be an asskicker.

Wrestler: Marcos.

Played By: Mark Marcos.

Gimmick: Marcos teams with Dunn as the "NEW" New New Rockers, a team which respects the legend of the "New" New Rockers, Marty Michaels & Shawn Cassidy, who worship the "New" Rockers, Marty Jannety & Al Snow, who were a lacklustre version of the Rockers, Marty Jannety & Shawn Michaels... Yeah...

Wrestler: Mark Kayfabe.

Played By: Chandler McClure.

Gimmick: Remember watching wrestling when you were eight, seeing Hulk Hogan drop the leg drop, and then copying him on your bedroom pillows, well this guy is twenty-eight, and he does the same thing. Bless. Strangely more legit than anything else in Totally Tool.

Wrestler: Mexican Lawnmower Boy.

Played By: Eddie Guapo.

Gimmick: There's a song that we can all sing that would explain the MLB's gimmick, as it seems that just talking about it doesn't do it justice... Ready... "He likes the cock / in his ass / he likes the cock / much like RF / Just older than 18"... It's a work in progress.

Wrestler: Nate Webb

Played By: Guess.

Gimmick: Webb plays the mouthpiece for Silent Sal, who isn't afraid to climb into the ring himself. A basic gimmick, but the chemistry between Webb and Sal is pretty fun for all to see... Which now means I’ve got to live up to the promise and make Webb and Sal a good pairing? Damn. I had my heart set on just setting these two on cruise control.

Wrestler: Silent Sal

Played By: Sal Thomaselli

Gimmick: He's Sexy, he's Strong, he's Silent. All the time. But Silent Sal doesn't need to talk when he has Nate Webb as a mouthpiece. Sal is hoping to win every match he's booked for in Totally Tool, without moving his lips. A daring stunt, and one that may be difficult to pull off, but one he'll try nevertheless.

Wrestler: Titmala

Played By: DJ Hyde

Gimmick: The Twinkie Kid's favourite little 'retard'. Titmala comes from the ever infamous Kamala family, but is the first of the Ugandan tribe to shed his black-like skin in favour for a stylish pale white coat. Very 'in'. Titmala is basically cannon fodder for when the Twinkie doesn't want to fight.

Wrestler: The Twinkie Kid

Played By: Colt Cabana

Gimmick: The ugly duckling of the modern Industrial World. Nobody gave Twinkie's a chance, then they became extremely cool and popular in the late-80ies. This disgruntled Twinkie came off the Twinkie tracks and decided to try his luck in the squared circle, wrestling for redemption of his eaten sister.... Or something...


Wrestler: AK-47.

Played By: Arik Cannon.

Gimmick: AK-47 is the 47th clone of the amazing Arik Cannon. After a scientific experiment went wrong, Cannon's clone, which was to be used in the 2004 Ted Petty Invitational got out of hand, and 46 more had to be created. Not all became wrestlers, but AK-47 is out to find the original clone, to kill him for some reason which has as of yet been undecided.

Wrestler: Rabbi Albert Goldstein.

Played By: Marek Brave.

Gimmick: The Bagelmeister himself. Often found battling in Totally Tool for Religious Supremacy with the Sheik, Satan and Norman the Mormon, Goldstein won't ever go anywhere, except for Hell, because he's a dirty Jew.

Wrestler: Sheik Malalamaka

Played By: Larry Sweeney

Gimmick: The Sheik is a respected old man in some Arab nations, but here he's just a guy in a towel looking to make himself known in the Wrestling World. Unfortunately, many of us working at Totally Tool are racist Tools, and so it's fun to make this guy look like a joke, and to look down upon him and his disgustingly dirty people. They wear towels, they need a flannel. But that's just my opinion.

THE RUDOOOOOOSSSSS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! (You can tell they're scoundrels with that many tildes)

Wrestler: Beef Wellington.

Played By: Beef Wellington (Unsurprisingly).

Gimmick: Beef is the owner of a very special zoo, where he teaches all of his animals to wrestle to do all his dirty work for him. Currently in the Beef Wellington Wrestling Zoo resides the infamous bear, and a new prospect; The Wrestling Hamster.

Wrestler: Blacula.

Played By: Bryce Benjamin.

Gimmick: What's worse than Dracula? A cheap negro knock-off? You guessed it! Not only will this terrifying Black Bat suck your blood, he'll probably steal your wallet and try and sell you a shoddy Bolex watch as well, nigga. His weakness is the fact that he's dumb, due to his impending ethnic disability, so if you talk some Maths or English, he'll get confused and try and impregnate an underage girl.

Wrestler: Derek St. Homeless.

Played By: Derek St. Holmes.

Gimmick: Born in the gutter, but was taken under the wing of a rich gazillionaire who taught him the ways of the rich, before kicking him back out on his backside. St. Homeless is now St. Angry for some revenge. Revenge against the British and other surrounding West European nations.

Wrestler: G-Whilikers.

Played By: Trik Davis.

Gimmick: G-Whilikers is so black it hurts. And it hurts so much he needs to put pain on other people to make his pain and suffering seem easier. When Whilikers is not wrestling with his equally black partner, G-Whiz, he's on the cornfields, sticking it to the white man by doing a lacklustre job and singing prison songs.

Wrestler: G-Whiz.

Played By: Josh Abercrombie.

Gimmick: The black-man's, white-man's Chris Rock, whoever that be. G-Whiz is the heart and soul of Black America. And he's got heart. And he's got soul. He considers himself the Blackest Whitest Black man in North America today, and along with his partner (of the ring, not the bed), G-Whilikers, G-Whiz is out to make America put down the hate, jive style.

Wrestler: Marty Michaels.

Played By: Matt Sydal.

Gimmick: After watching tapes upon tapes of the New Rockers, presented by Marty Jannety and 'Leif Cassidy' Al Snow; Marty Michaels decided it was time to salute the New Rockers, with the New New Rockers. After only one match, they were idolised and turned into legends by their now arch-nemiseseses Dunn and Marcos.

Wrestler: Norman the Mormon.

Played By: Steve Stone.

Gimmick: The Mormon’s gimmick is two-fold. Not only does his use his wrestling skill to spread the word of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus H. Christ, but he also has no idea who Steve Stone is. Neither do we, but this guy is too cheap to turn away. Plus we like his comic religious ramblings, he's an idiot, but he's an idiot who can Heal-ah.

Wrestler: Rubberman.

Played By: Dan Lawrence.

Gimmick: You'd think being dressed up as a condom wouldn't really help to get you over. You'd be right, there's not much love for Rubberman. But what he lacks in overness, he gains in protection against STD's such as VD and AIDS. We were most probably high when we came up with this.

Wrestler: Satan.

Played By: Tyler Black.

Gimmick: ...Pretty self-explanatory, we thought...

Wrestler: Shawn Cassidy.

Played By: Fast Eddie Vegas.

Gimmick: After watching tapes upon tapes of the New Rockers, presented by Marty Jannety and 'Leif Cassidy' Al Snow; Shawn Cassidy decided it was time to salute the New Rockers, with the New New Rockers. After only one match, they were idolised and turned into legends by their now arch-nemiseseses Dunn and Marcos.

Wrestler: The Wrestling Bear

Played By: Some guy in a bear suit, some people believe it's Chikara's Lance Steel.

Gimmick: Rargh! It's a bear, and bear's bite, which is basically this cuddly grizzly's main function... Yeah, it's a dude in a suit, but Beef Wellington once wrestled a real bear, apparently. Part of the Wrestling Zoo.

Wrestler: The Wrestling Hamster

Played By: Nibbles (Mike Quackenbush's pet hamster, according to Chris Hero)

Gimmick: Well the Bear may not be real, but this little critter certainly is. After many years’s, Beef Wellington was finally able to tame this wild beast, and now he's using it to his advantage in the Wrestling Zoo. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Wrestler: Uncle Chester Molester

Played By: Eric Priest

Gimmick: An interesting character to say the least... Uncle Chester is a bit of a shady character, whom has plenty of magazines under his bed, and a lot of pictures on his PC. He's a perv, a big, fat, ugly, disgusting perv (sorry Eric, but you're not a looker). However, he has gained much success in Totally Tool, probably because he's kidnapped one of the booker's kids and is threatening to do dirty stuff. We're not sure.

Wrestler: Whylde Sohn

Played By: Dean Baldwin

Gimmick: If Baldwin is most famous for his role as Shark Boy, than he's least famous for his role as Sohn, "The Worst Wrestler Ever". This is basically his gimmick, as he plays the rubbishy, annoying sack of shit that is Whylde Sohn, Chicago’s Wild Son.


Team: A Total of Too Many Twinkies Today Turns Into Two Tantalising Tits Tomorrow

Members: The Twinkie Kid & Titmala

Team: The N-Words

Members: G-Whilikers & G-Whiz

Team: The "NEW" New Rockers

Members: Marty Michaels & Shawn Cassidy

Team: The ""NEW" NEW" New Rockers

Members: Dunn & Marcos

Team: The Odd Couple

Members: Norman The Mormon & Satan.

Team: The Strong, Sexy but Silent Sal Experience (With 100% added Nate Webb)

Members: Silent Sal & Nate Webb

Team: The Wrestling Zoo

Members: Beef Wellington, The Wrestling Bear & The Wrestling Hamster


The Best Wrestler Ever

1. (Aug. 22, 2004) [Round Lake, IL] Uncle Chester Molester [def. Twinkie The Kid & Chris Hero]

The Worst Wrestler Ever

1. (Aug. 22, 2004) [Round Lake, IL] Whylde Sohn [def. by Habib the Egyptian Magician]


Name: Ray Wonder

Played By: Bryce Remsburg

Gimmick: Yes the ref's have gimmicks. For instance, Ray Wonder is like Stevie Charles, without the piano playing. He's blind, a-ha. Hilarity ensues.

Name: Andy Capp

Played By: Phil Drummond

Gimmick: Capp went through some kind of war, it was either Vietnam, or the Australian/American war, he doesn't want to talk about it. But his legs don't work, and he's in a wheelchair. Yeah, lets laugh at the War veteran.

Name: Brian Goreeeeeey

Played By: Brian Gorie

Gimmick: Just a ref... A ref who just so happens to be a werewolf... Lame.

Edited by Ollie Beak
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Alright, I'm not familiar with TTW, but if it's half as odd as the introduction we've been given so far - this should be an interesting diary. Got to say, the way of presenting the profiles is simple but effective.

Any promotion with wrestling twinkies, Mike Quackenbush's hampster, and a dirty pervert is cool in my books. You've got a reader in me :)

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Notorious IWA:MS fans, known as 'the tools' will be running the third of their 'Totally Tool' shows on November 26th, at the Guthrie Centre in Iowa. Totally Tool Wrestling has already ran two very successful shows, including wrestlers such as Chris Hero, Colt Cabana, Eric Priest, Chandler McClure, Arik Cannon and even former ECW Heavyweight Champion, Justin Credible as you've never seen them before.

Names already announced for the 24/9 show include...

- Colt Cabana as Twinkie the Kid -

- Eric Priest as Uncle Chester Molester -

- Arik Cannon as AK-47 -

- Bryce Benjamin as Blacula -

- Chandler McClure as Mark Kayfabe -

- Trik Davis & Josh Abercrombie as G-Whiz & G-Whilikers, the N-Words -

- Tyler Black as Satan -

Names that have also been announced to appear include Beef Wellington, Chris Hero, Ian Rotten, Nate Webb and Sal Thomaselli.

One of the Tools, known only as 'K' in the Wrestling World has made it known to the wrestling media that Totally Tool Wrestling is "Badass... Just total badass... It's all badass...".

The show isn't expected to sell out, or to even sell over 100 tickets, but it is expected to be a night packed full of fun and laughter, and 'K' has even hinted towards the show being 'badass'.

And it seems TTW won't just be an every-now-and-then wrestling show. They've signed a lease (Bah Gawd~! A LEASE~!) with the Guthrie centre to run a further four shows in the future. It's only taken 14 months and two shows, but it seems Totally Tool will be one to watch in 2006.

The card for the 11/26 show, which is being billed as "Bring Your Wives, Shoot Your Guns" is expected to be headlined by a tag match between Colt "Twinkie The Kid" Cabana and his team-mate for the night, Chris Hero, against the team of Best Wrestler Ever Title Holder, Eric "Uncle Chester Molester" Priest and his tag team partner, making his Totally Tool debut, Beef Wellington.

Maybe it'll bring hope and joy into the hearts of wrestling fans everywhere, maybe it'll be an utter train wreck.

We're putting money on train wreck.

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I'm shutting this diary down for blatent "borrowing" of my roster set up for Tom Waits Wrestling. Move along people.

It's not 'borrowing' it's a.... erhm... eulogy.

And I blatently advertised TWW at the start of the roster aswell.

This diary is badass and you know it.

Now, lets see if I can beat Kou's ass and post a show. :D

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Bang, Bang…

The Guthrie centre didn’t know what was about to hit it.

***You’ve got to read this while listening to some Western Movie style shootout music - Dan-a-nan-a-na

Wow-wow-wow… That sort…***

Just a bunch of ole’ guys chewin’ their tobacco, waiting for some action. These were the type that didn’t start

fights, they ended them. We called them the Tecnicos; they were the whole-hearted ass-kicking (one of

them butt-munching) sum-bitches who went out there to defeat the other guys…

***Build music up…***

The Rudos…

***And finish with some Western-style musical climax here…***

That’s the intro to the DVD sorted. Now onto some wrestling action!


”Totally Tool Wrestling proudly presents…



Live, at the Guthrie Centre, Iowa.

November, 26th, 2005…

It was a strange atmosphere in the Guthrie centre to start off. Kind of like a mix between warm milk and

soup. Chicken soup, the kind you have when you’re ill. But it was definitely not the normal way a wrestling

arena felt. We were all sitting back; waiting for the monkey’s to set up the ring before we did anything. We

were all just a bunch of guys drinking lemonade (hardcore~!), getting ready to fight for the right to do what

comes before Part B.

What comes before Part B? I hear you ask…


Hell yeah!

When they finished the ring, we added our own little touches; we wanted to make it look like a Tom Jones

concert, so we hung some dirty panties from one of the turnbuckles. We think they were Eddie Guapo’s

girlfriend, who was probably Mexican; after all, Mexicans normally are dirty, and those panties were skiddy…

Sorry if you’re Mexican and got offended by that, I did make a mistake; they’re always dirty, they need a

fucking wash.

Cabana got into his Twinkie suit; it was just an old tackle pad, with the Twinkie logo on the front. He looked

like a retard, but we dare not say anything. We didn’t want to be politically incorrect or anything… Hey look

there’s a Jew and some Black guy. Hide your wallets and change.

After an hour or so of goofing around and picking on the weakest member of the group, we decided to go

and hide Matt Sydal’s gym back. Hurrah, we’re so grown up.

Just a note, Shawn Cassidy, aka Fast Eddie Vegas gets way too excited way too quickly. He’s been the cause

of a god damn incident this month! He’s becoming ‘increasingly hard to deal with’. I ignored it, because he’s

a damn good wrestler. But I’ll fire him soon enough.

Larry “Sheik Malalamaka” Sweeney has been injured; broken leg, out for seven months. It seems only best

that I now fire his ass, on the same day his girlfriend leaves him. Good day for Sweeney. To be honest there

was nothing for the Sheik anyway, so a pink slip was more than likely in the first place.

But pretty soon, it was time… Time for a hoedown…

“Sir, the wives are here… No sign of any guns yet…”



Match One

The Worst Wrestler Ever Title

Whylde Sohn © vs. Titmala

First out of the curtain is the Worst Wrestler Ever… Chicago’s Wild Son, Chicago’s… Whylde Sohn...

Next out was the ever so retarded one, Titmala, accompanied by a giant wrestling Twinkie. It just looks like

an acid trip. Some white dude with moons painted on him licking his tits, as a giant dough-based sweet

looks on from the side of the ring.

Both of these wanted to be the Worst Wrestler Ever, and so both were in this match to lose. Bah Gawd~!, it’ll

be a slobberknocker!

Titmala hits the finger-poke of Doom, but in wanting to lose this match, falls to the floor himself and begs for

Whylde Sohn to cover. Sohn, needing a loss to successfully defend his title (sort of) fell to the floor himself,

and begged for the Ugandan Fat-ass to pin him.

Of course, neither man pinned the other, but Sohn; the thinner and smarter of the two had a better idea. He

tapped. Visually impaired referee, Ray Wonder was pretty sure that Titmala had locked in an armbar, and

so called for the bell, to hand the match to Titmala.

It’s a victory for Titmala, but a defence for Whylde Sohn, who is still the Worst Wrestler Ever.

The Twinkie was shouting from ringside, calling Titmala ‘A fat sack of retarded’, as he was hoping to come

out with the loss.


Match Two

Sleeping Lion’s Den

Satan vs. Ian Rotten

Let me explain a Sleeping Lion’s Den match… Well, you know Ian Rotten has fractured his skull, and so can

no longer participate in the hardcore matches that made him famous, so instead, he’s out to prove himself in

the less extreme matches. This time it’s against Satan, and the rules are as follows.

Both men will enter the ring, and stand an equal and equidistant distance from each other, the first man to

move (not including blinking), will lose the match.

So basically, nobody move – nobody gets hurt.

First out was Rotten, who stood in the ring in a nice normal, kind of streamlined if it weren’t for his fat-ass

belly position, so that it was easier not to move.

Out next was Satan, who took it upon himself and be different, by standing on one leg! ONE LEG~! zOMG~!


And the bell rings, who’ll move first…

12 seconds in, and nothing, no movement…

18 seconds and Satan falls over!

Ian Rotten has this one won.

Bah Gawd, he’s the most non-extreme extremist in the business today, Gene.

So pointless.


Match Three

Tag Team Turmoil

The New New Rockers vs. The New New New Rockers vs. The N-Words

vs. The Strong, Sexy but Silent Sal Experience (With 100% added Nate Webb)

Big match up next, four of the coolest teams in the World, EVER!

First out was The New New Rockers, Marty Michaels and Shawn Cassidy, very generic team, seeing as they

don’t really have a gimmick, but someone else’s gimmick is dependant on them, so they’ll stay where they


Next out; The Ring Cre… The New New New Rockers, Dunn and Marcos! They copy everything the New New

Rockers did, and they look like assholes doing it. But it works for them… sort of.

Next; out comes the N-Words, G-Whiz and G-Whilikers; wearing jean like dungarees, and their faces are

painted black. They chew on straw and wear straw hats. As they walk to the ring, they steal some guy’s

wallet, he did nothing to them, their just black.

Finally, some credible wrestlers; Nate Webb and Silent Sal to the ring… Sal is doing finger spelling, he’s not

death, just silent. Man, these gimmicks are so awful. Nate Webb translates, apparently Sal was talking about

how awesome Kriss Sprules is.

Match starts, and Sal and G-Whiz start out. Whiz, playing off the fact that he’s a negro, decided he wants to

have a dance off, and starts ‘serving’ Silent Sal. Sal’s having none of it, he slaps that uppity black man right

round the face. Suddenly, out from the back comes the N-Words white man leader, who yells at them for

not working in the corn fields. And the N-Words have to forfeit to go cut crops.

3 teams left, and it’s the New New Rockers up next. Sal taps in the New New New Rockers, and suddenly it’s

like a mirror match. Everything that Michaels and Cassidy do, Dunn and Marcos copy, which makes for an

interesting situation.

After the New New Rockers tag in Silent Sal, the New New New Rockers decide to tag in Nate Webb, and

Webb and Sal clean house. Taking out both teams with lariatooooh’s!

Webb hits the Soylent Green on Cassidy and pins to get them out of the match, but then Marcos starts

screaming at him “Do me, do me!” just because he wants to be exactly the same. One “Soylent Green” later

and Sal and Webb have won the match.


Match Four

Triple Threat Match

AK-47 vs. Blacula vs. Mark Kayfabe

First out of the curtain was AK-47, who looked like he was just about ready to do business. With a firm walk

to the ring, he was ready to kick some Black Dracula / Mark ass.

Next: Glass Shatters, and out comes Mark Kayfabe to SCSA’s music (WWE legal must be pissing

themselves). Kayfabe was going crazy, jumping up and down and sliding into the ring, once inside the

squared circle he climbed to the top turnbuckle and called for some beers, but alas, there were none.

There was some confusion next, as Blacula didn’t want to come out of the curtain, unless all the lights were

turned down; which is bizarre, because it’s only natural sunlight that kills vampires. Maybe he just wanted

the lights down so it was easier to steal wallets, fo’ sho’ nigga.

Because he wouldn’t come out, AK-47 and Mark Kayfabe began wrestling, and Kayfabe even went for a Rock

Bottom, but The Arik Cannon clone pushed him away, and instead focused all his energy on some guy in

the front row, who was apparently the twenty ninth Arik Cannon clone (which was strange, seeing as the guy

looked nothing like Cannon; he was skinny).

Handicapped referee, Andy Capp began to count out AK-47, but had to stop when Blacula came out from the

back. Blacula went to bite the neck of Kayfabe, but the mark had a secret weapon. He pulled out some

Garlic, and hit the black Dracula. Holy shit~! Garlic-Shot~!

Mark Kayfabe covered; 1-2-But no, AK-47’s back in the ring. The clone hit a Glimmering Warlock-47 on

Kayfabe and covered Blacula for the three-count.

Kayfabe started marking out when he heard the result, but just got another Glimmering Warlock-47 for his

efforts. AK-47 celebrated to the back, leaving Blacula and Andy Capp in the ring.

Capp tried to get away, but Blacula stole his wallet bit his neck! Now we have a handicapped vampire

referee – Lamer.


Match Five

Singles Match of Terror~!

Adrian Serrano vs. Derek St. Homeless

It’s a common fact that MMA-to-Wrestling crossovers hate the homeless, and that that resentment is sent

right back; the homeless have no time for crossovers. That’s why this match is of terror~! And not just a

normal singles match.

First out was the badass Serrano, looking all angry like. Grrrrr.

Next out was the bum himself, he was dressed to kill, in a little hobosack and a bad hat.

This match will be da bomb!

Serrano controlled the entire four minutes that they fought, hitting him with some of the stiffest kicks we

could afford (seeing as Low-Ki wouldn’t return our calls, Serrano was the best we could do).

But then Homeless went all crazy and pulled the Tom Jones-esque skiddy panties from the Turnbuckle.

Homeless was about to wrap them around Serrano’s throat when he was intoxicated by the odour himself,

and got down to some sniffing. Classy!

One kick to the chest later, and Serrano picked up the ‘W’.

Oh yeah.

It’s kind of depressing when you’re undercard match of the night features a homeless dude sniffing panties.



Main Event

Tag Team Action

Chris Hero and Twinkie The Kid vs. Beef Wellington and Uncle Chester Molester

Now here’s a match you’ll be telling your Grandkids about in forty years time. The personalities in this match

clashed like mayonnaise and flowers. Delicious!

First out was Hero, looking all gimmick-less, we may need to give him a gimmick next month, because I

don’t like all these no-gimmick-asskickers. Maybe he’ll do well under a Communism guise. Maybe not!

Next out was Twinkie the Kid, with his arms inside the suit. HARDCORE~! There was a giant Twinkie,

dancing to Barry Manilow, walking to the ring. It was then that I knew I was giving up the drink.

Coming next, everyone’s Uncle, the holder of the Best Wrestler Ever title; Chester Molester! On his way to

the ring, Chester got distracted by a ten year old kid; so for the next five minutes, Mr. Molester tried to put

his name to good use, and chased the kid; much to the delight of his parents – the kids parents that is, not

Chester’s, although we’re sure they’re equally as proud.

Finally, out came Beef Wellington, making his Totally Tool debut. He didn’t make a fuss coming to the ring,

but when he realised his partner was busy with a minor, he was pissed that he’d have to start out


Wellington kicked the Twinkie around for awhile, but made a mistake when he Irish-whipped the delicious

treat into the ropes and got knocked down by a running press from Twinkie. Twinkie jumped onto Beef for

the two count.

Twinkie tagged in Hero, and some real wrestling got underway with Beef vs. Hero; but it was short-lived

when Uncle Chester returned, wiped his mouth and then got tagged in. Chester started to get his ass handed

to him, but then knocked Hero into the corner and thrust his man schlong into Hero’s face.

Tag to Twinkie, who quickly got molested by Chester with some more penis-thrusting. Twinkie squashed

Chester into the corner, but Beef Wellington had a secret weapon, that he was about to unleash.

Tag to Hero, who finally beat down Chester, but then got nut-hugged by the Best Wrestler Ever. Tag to Beef,

who pulled out a small linen bag. Beef unleashed the beast inside and opened up the bag and out shot a

hamster; that started making a mockery of Hero’s face.

Hero put on the Crimson mask, as the Hamster finally released and scurried off. Never since the days of

Damien and Jake the Snake has the wrestling world seen such dastardly-ness at the hands of an animal!

Werewolf referee, Brian Goreeeeeeeey had no choice but to call for the bell, as Hero lied motionless on the

ground. Beef Wellington started to laugh evilly as Twinkie the Kid came in to check on his fallen ally. But

there was more from Wellington, who summoned the Wrestling Bear to the ring!

The Bear began to feast on Twinkie, who started his cry of “I’m not really a Twinkie, I’m a human being!” to

no avail; the Bear was having his way with the wrestling treat.

Soon, Nate Webb and Silent Sal came to save the day, as Beef Wellington, the Bear, the Hamster and Uncle

Chester Molester escaped unharmed.

A great day for wrestling, a terrible day for Twinkie’s!

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"Don't Look... No, No... Don't Look... No, No..."

News that Totally Tool wrestling will return to the Guthrie centre in January has made millions of people rejoice.

That's right folks. Totally Tool brings the wacky, the zany, and the downright crazy to Iowa on January 14, 2006 for an event known only as 'Noodle Bar'. All of the familiar faces from Twinkie the Kid to Blacula will be returning for what promises to be an amazing night of laughs, louts and locusts.

Last time Totally Tool was in town, a total of 256 people witnessed an amazing night of wrestling, which ended in one of the most shocking moments of 2005, when a bear and a hamster attacked Chris Hero.

It'll all change on 14/1, as Chris Hero is out to get revenge on Animal Planet, by teaming with his Superfriend, Mike Quackenbush to take on Beef Wellington's Wrestling Zoo. Hero and Quack have made waves elsewhere in North America, but never in Iowa (that may not be true), now they'll have to work their hardest to take down the combo of a bear and a hamster. Can they do it? Probably not!

Also, the Best Wrestler in the world, EVER! Uncle Chester Molester will be making a title defence against the winner of one of the most explosive triple threat matches of all time, AK-47. This month we realised that the name AK-47 is redundant for the 47th clone of Arik Cannon, as 'Cannon' starts with a 'C', and so it should be AC-47. Sadly, that's not the name of a very powerful rifle, so we're going to keep it; no matter how retarded it sounds.

A team that had one of the biggest victories ever at 'Bring Your Wives, Shoot Your Guns', Nate Webb and Silent Sal Thomaselli will be teaming once more to take on a brand new team here in Totally Tool. We have no idea of what their gimmicks are, but their names will strike fear into those that get this inside joke reference; Dean Batista and Agent Smith. Shock Horra~! Indeed!

Totally Tool's less amazing title belt, the Worst Wrestler Ever, will also be on the line, as Chicago’s Wild Son, Chicago’s Whylde Sohn will be doing his best to lose against a very formidable (and delicious) opponent, Twinkie The Kid. In November, Whylde Sohn lost to Twinkie's protégé, Titmala. This month Twinkie will want to get revenge, by losing and becoming the Worst Wrestler Ever. It’s a man who dresses as a Shark in other promotions against a giant treat. Bah Gawd, what a slobberknocker.

The least Extreme Extremist, Ian Rotten will also be out to prove once again that he's not as extreme as he used to be, as he faces off against Norman the Mormon in a debate! Can Rotten hit stiff with his words, or will he submit to the moving lips of an angry church goer. It’ll be an interesting match of interesting topics. Norman and Rotten won't be studying hardcore, but hardback books in preparation for this one. Damn that was an awful pun.

Also appearing on this... interesting card...

The Mexican Lawnmower Boy teams with Habib the Egyptian Magician to take on two uppity Negro’s, G-Whiz and G-Whilikers. Can the unlikely pairing of a homosexual and an Egyptian join together in slightly tanned oppression and defeat the blacks once and for all, or will we seeing black as the whitest black men team once more?

Adrian Serrano, who's absolutely badass, will be wrestling a giant Condom when he faces Rubberman. There's no point in ending this in a question, as we all know that the condom has no chance.

Blacula faces off one on one against Rabbi Albert Goldstein. We all know that vampires were what triggered the holocaust, so can the Jew hit the shockingly painful bagelbuster, or will the Black Dracula steal the win (and Goldstein's wallet)?


Predictions and feedback are welcome.

Edit: But no lol'ing. You lol and I shoot to kill. :shifty:

Edited by Ollie Beak
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“Totally Tool Wrestling Fire Ollie Fitzgerald”

TTW today released general manager Ollie Fitzgerald. Many feel

that Ollie Fitzgerald had to go, as the company was suffering an

alarming slump in fortunes. The mismanagement of Ollie Fitzgerald is

being blamed for this. We’ll have more on this story at a later date.

Dan DaLay, www.grapplefanatics.net


Oh it’s on.

It’s on like Donkey Kong, biaaaaaatch.

“Hello Operator, put me onto the Middle East, I need some Muslims.”

Totally Tool was about to reach a new era.

An era of Terror…ism…


Offended? Call 1-800-GIVEACRAP.

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You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em.

Know when to fold ‘em.

Know when to walk away.

Know when to run.

These words rang so true with the men in front of me. They were all Totally Tool’s, but they all knew what

to do and when.

It was tough times for a roster which included a wrestling Twinkie, a bear and hamster combo and the

47th clone of a wrestler.

It was times like these that things needed to be done.

It was times like these that these guys needed a break; and I knew the perfect place to take a break.

Of course, these guys would take their break, but there would be tension, and half way through the

paedophile would end up throwing his fork at the silent guy, and all hell would break lose.

But still, these guys were sitting down.

Sitting down in a…

Totally Tool Wrestling proudly presents…



Live, at the Guthrie Centre, Iowa.

January, 14th, 2006…

I can’t believe I had popped this piece of shit videotape into my VHS. I didn’t want to watch it; I wanted to

plot against the assholes that sacked me. But as I watched, all I wanted to do was huggle with Chris Hero.

But now Hero was an enemy, and as God as my witness, I would be the downfall of every motherfucker in

the entire Totally Tool locker-room.

Of course, by that I meant I’d terrify the people that mattered into giving me my job back, and then I’d just

go as per usual. But I wasn’t going to reveal that to anyone, the angry mob that will walk behind me as I

attack the Guthrie centre would be none the wiser as to my true plans. They’d believe that I really did want

to destroy them.

But all I wanted was to be one of them…

I love them.

There was no news update, unless you count me sitting in my boxer shorts eating cold baked beans as

news, because that’s what I was doing. That’s basically what my days consisted of since I got that e-mail

from Dan DaLay…

Dan DaLay must die.

I hadn’t shaved in weeks. Months perhaps… No, it was weeks, I’d only been fired for a three weeks, so it

wasn’t even a month. I was just over-reacting to make it look like I should be cared about.

I was going to watch this show, and make sure that I knew every exit of the Guthrie centre. Then I’d attack

at the next show, and I’d be the leader of Totally Tool once again.

The operator wasn’t too impressed when I asked for the Middle East. Now I’m on incoming calls only, and

whenever I do get a call there’s a click sound throughout the conversation; this means that the FBI or

someone is listening.

Apparently I’m on the suspected terrorist list. How cool is that!

So now, when I do get my job back I’ll just be known as that pussy that didn’t follow through with the act of

terrorism that he promised.

Damn it, I will not be that man.

I need 14 tonnes of C4… STAT!

It seems that Chris Hero and Colt “Twinkie the Kid” Cabana made the top 100 list of 2005. It’s a shame;

they won’t be so good when they’re dead!

I laughed manically for a good four minutes at that one

To Do List:

1. Watch TTW show.

2. Make a plan of the Guthrie Centre, Iowa.

3. Hire terrorists.

4. Train terrorists in Project Mayhem style.

5. Kill Flanders.

6. Destroy all who work for Totally Tool.

7. Look for job in wrestling industry.

Seems like a busy weekend…

Onto task numbero uno:


Match One

Can you say… Squash match?

Adrian Serrano vs. Rubberman

I remember being at the last Totally Tool show and helping Dan Lawrence get that huge rubber Johnny over

his big fat meathead. I wonder if I’ll miss moments like that more or less once I’ve blown them all to


Serrano was out first; my, he’s an ugly bastard.

Next out was the giant condom, Rubberman.

The match began, and Serrano delivered a huge kick to Rubberman knocking him to the floor. The trouble

with said condom costume is it comes down to your ankles, so when you’re on the floor you can’t get back

up. Needless to say, Serrano covered pretty quickly and got the three count.

My, that was uneventful.


Match Two

Debate of Doom

Ian Rotten vs. Norman the Mormon

I came up with this idea. It’s going to be a stinker, you can feel it. Rotten was out first, fractured skull and

suit in tow. He looked like a badass in a suit. Sadly, he wouldn’t be kicking any ass, but debating it.

Technically he wouldn’t be debating any ass. I’d debate your ass. Meow.

Mormon wore a white robe, and was all Jesus-e-fied. Looked like an ass.

Out came Dave Prazak, he was the master-debater. Man, that’s so lame, I bet whoever came up with that

was an ass. Oh, it was me. Damn.

[Prazak:] “Your topic is… the war on terror…”

Bwahahahahahahahaha  My response to this, they never even knew I was coming.

[Rotten:] “Well I’m pretty sure it’s coming.”

Shit. He knew!

[Rotten:] “I just hope it doesn’t attack here in Iowa, this is such a lovely place.”


[Rotten:] “Especially here in the Guthrie centre. Actually, I’m 100% sure it’s coming, but it’ll never do

anything to dampen the spirits of us here at the Guthrie centre, or at Totally Tool.”

Yeah, I’ll kill Rotten first.

[Norman:] “Well I hope terrorists attack Iowa. This is the least Christian place I know. If you just

accept Jesus into your life, than you will see differently! With Jesus in your life, it’s like a natural high, he

knows everything. And he is not a Nazi, like you people of Iowa, you sick bastards… And I haven’t the

faintest idea who Steve Stone is…

Wow… This guy was retarded, but he seemed to be on my side. He hopes Iowa gets attacked. Maybe I’ll

spare this Mormon guy… Maybe I’ll kill him in a less painful way than the rest. This is all micro detail, it can

be decided later.

Ian Rotten won the debate, this makes me sick. I must kill Ian Rotten.


Match Three

Black White Guys, Mexicans and a Magic Show…

Habib the Egyptian Magician and Mexican Lawnmower Boy vs. The N-Words

Strange teaming for the faces, I’m not sure why gay Mexicans team with Egyptian magicians, I’m sure it

makes sense somewhere. Anyway, they were out first. Habib showed off some magic tricks, as MLB

kissed a guy. Nice…

Next out were the uppity Negro’s, who were singing prison songs, and not smiling when people took their

photos. Man, this is worse than awful.

The N-Words controlled for the first few minutes, with G-Whiz hitting some nice moves on the Mexican homo,

until MLB came back with a lip-lock. Yep, that’s all I need, a homo love-in between a Mexican and a Black

white man. Ewwww.

After fast forwarding the whole lip-lock, which went on for like 8 minutes; the finish came. Habib pulled a

punch out of a magical hat and knocked G-Whilikers to the floor, pinning him for the three count.


After the match, the N-Words slave-master came out and told them to get back to the fields.


Match Three

Black vs. Jew… Who did the Nazi’s hate more?

Blacula vs. Rabbi Albert Goldstein

Another bizarre match; I’m not sure the hatred between vampires and the Jews, but apparently its there.

Out first was Blacula, who sold the bright lights and cowered for a moment before getting jumped by the

Rabbi. Oy vey.

The Rabbi threw Blacula into the ring, and then started speaking to one of the members of the crowd, with

the quip “where’s my bagels?”, the fan, obviously a fellow Jew, handed out some bagels to the Rabbi, who

just started throwing them at Blacula.

Holy Shit! These bagels are garlic! Blacula perished at the garlicky assault, and was destroyed on the floor.

He tried to melt, but sadly he’s actually a real human and not a vampire, so he just looked retarded.

Goldstein got back in the ring, and went to pin Blacula, who jumped up and attacked him, with a bite to the

neck. Goldstein turned around to yell at his Jewish friend “You call these bagels?” but Blacula, in completely

black fashion, stole his wallet.

Sadly, because Goldstein was Jewish, there were just pennies that he had picked up off the ground. Blacula

wasn’t pleased and so threw the change to the floor outside. Quickly, the tight Jew left the ring to pick up his

money and was quickly counted out



Match Five

We’ve Heard This Before…

The Anti-Drug Coalition vs. The Strong, Sexy but Silent Sal Experience (With 100% added Nate Webb)

The Anti-Drug Coalition was Agent Smith and Dean Batista. They looked badass. They also looked familiar,

and it seems they were played by Brandon and Vito Thomaselli. Which means this would be a good match.

Shame they’d be dead soon.

The ADC was out first. Smith (Vito) got the mike in his hands.

[smith:] “I am a fellow teacher with Dean Batista… We teach at this high school… It has come to our

attention that Totally Tool has a high concentration of drugs floating about. We’re here to set things right.”

This is a high school now? I swear it was a wrestling promotion. But ooooh: Teacher gimmicks. YAY!

[Dean:] “Thank you James. Listen to this man; he is doing you a service.”

I’m pretty sure I’m just copying and pasting this from somewhere, but then changing things a little

to make them fit.

[smith:] “I am dead serious; the world needs to be eradicated of drug use. People who use drugs are

horrible people and they need to get high off of life not drugs. Drugs ruin people’s lives every day, I’ve

seen it. Drugs destroy your intelligence and eradicate every inch of your mind. It may add pleasure, but the

effects are hazardous and will kill you.”

Yep, this seems way too familiar.

[Dean:] “Our mission is to promote anti-drug use in areas that we consider "danger zones." Totally

Tool Wrestling has been selected as a danger zone. James and I only mean well.”

This’ll bomb big time; I’m pretty sure this is the first and last show we’ll ever see these two.

Soon, out came Nate Webb and Silent Sal. Sal was finger spelling again. This month he was spreading his

love out for ‘Cake Sandal’. Another reference that only half of you will get!

The match started, and some great wrestling got underway. Even in heaven they wrestle, so thank God

these guys can still do what they love when they die by my hands.

Sal fought the majority of the match, against either one of his brothers, until he started getting destroyed by

some double team moves from the Anti-Drug Coalition, and was able to get a HOT-TAG~! To Nate who

really ran riot on both ADCs.

Webb went for a Soylent Green on Dean, but had his legs taken out by Smith. Dean rolled up Webb and got

the one-two-three pinfall.

Not surprising that the debut team got the win. Not at all.


Match Six

Worst Wrestler Ever

Twinkie the Kid vs. Whylde Sohn ©

Twinkie was out first with Titmala; they really are a beautiful couple. I’ll make sure their deaths are quick.

Twinkie ran into Titmala, instead of slapping him for being a retard. With his arms deep inside the tackle

pad, it’s hard to slap somebody.

Out came Whylde Sohn, who looks better under a mask. Ugh, uglier than black chicks.

Sohn pushed Twinkie over and started tapping, but that only works when the ref is a blind dude, it’s a shame

that Sohn got stuck with the Werewolf ref this time. Sohn continued tapping, even though he had been

jumped on by the Werewolf ref, who started attacking Sohn for trying to cheat. By this time Sohn really was

tapping, and the Werewolf ref had no choice but to hand the match to Twinkie, Sohn retains his title in a

strange way.

That was… weird…


Match Seven

Bestiality… Sort of…

The Superfriends vs. The Wrestling Zoo

First out were the humans, Quackenbush and Hero, looking all ready for action. Good wrestlers,

not enough gimmicks.

Next; out from the curtain came Beef Wellington, with a small cage in tow, and a bear behind him. This

would have looked strange had half the show not happened. Wrestling Condoms are slightly more bizarre

than a wrestling bear.

The match got underway when Beef released the Hamster, who was apparently owned by Quackenbush, but

this didn’t seem likely as Quack stomped on the hamster: about eight times. There were blood and hamster

guts everywhere. Lovely!

So the match changed to Beef & the Bear vs. Quack & Hero.

Quack and Beef to start, some good chain wrestling; but Beef kicks Quack in the gut and hits the ass punch.

It’s such a good ass punch that the bear sells it! When you’ve got an 8 foot bear selling a punch to the

behind, you know you’ve made it.

Beef tags in the Bear who mauls Quack until the second HOT TAG~! Of the night, Hero comes in and makes

short work of the bear, ripping off one of his arms to show a human inside. Bah Gawd~! The Bear ate a

human whole!

The human hand slaps Hero, who sells it way too much. Quack comes in and gets slammed by the Bear. Tag

to Beef who hits a splash on Quack and then goes for another ass punch, but Quack ducks, and Beef just

punches the Bear in the face. Angered by this, the Bear chases Quack, who just gets met with a tackle from


Hero locks in a few different submissions on Beef as Quack takes care of the Bear, throwing him over the

top rope.

And then strange things happen.

Here comes Animal Security, here to take Quack away for stamping on the Hamster. And

now it’s a Handicap match!

Hero gets ass punched as he argues with Animal Security, leading the Bear mauling him some more.

Beef hits the E.Coli Driver and it’s all over for Hero.


Match Eight

Best Wrestler Ever

Uncle Chester Molester vs. AK-47

Chester’s out first, with some Ho’s. Now seriously, I’m a big fan of the Godfather, but when a man comes

out with eight year old girls dancing provocatively, it’s safe to say you’ll be getting a lawsuit.

After the most perverted entrance ever, here comes AK-47, who’s walking like a Robot for some unknown

reason. Maybe it adds to the character, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s a good use of emotion memory.

Who knows?

Match starts, and Uncle Chester hits hard with some kicks and punches to the Cannon-Clone. Chester with a

toe hold which ends up in Chester trying to suck AK-47’s toes. Ewwww! Chester blocks a Glimmering

Warlock attempt by grabbing the leg and locking in a leg lock.

Cannon escapes the ring, and ends up slapping one of the Ho’s… Wow… That is the most un-PC thing I’ve

ever seen.

No, wait… This is the most un-PC thing I’ve ever seen, as Uncle Chester puts a lip-lock on the slapped ho.


Chester and AK-47 back in the ring. AK-47 hits a Glimmering Warlock, but three of the ho’s work hard to lift

Chester’s leg onto the ropes. Wow, those little girls sure are weak.

Chester hits a Kiss of Death on AK-47 and picks up the W.

And now he’s partying with the eight year old girls.

That man is weird.

And before you ask, yeah I killed a hamster. So sue me.


Post feedback. I double dog dare you.

Edited by Ollie Beak
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Apparently I’m on the suspected terrorist list. How cool is that!


The "Kill Flanders" thing made me laugh too. Ollie, you're a terrible villain. :wub:

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I must say, I didn't know what to think when I started reading this...and I still don't. It is funny and quite good though, so I must thank you for bringing this into The Dome. And I literally DID spit some Kool-Ade™© on my screen a few times.

Chester and his eight year old Ho's may be the greatest thing I've ever read.


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