The Great Invasion of 2006

[RPS]

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW

Monday, December 5th 2005

Monday Night RAW opens with a new video package featuring equal video time to the invading Zombies. We kick off with pyros going off everywhere, but suddenly they cut out as the ring is surrounded by Zombies and in the middle of the ring is Craig Nelson with Zombie Stephanie McMahon. Craig Nelson has a devilish look on his face, “WELCOME TO ZOMBIE WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT!

“Much like the nWo in WCW,” Craig Nelson said, “the Zombies are taking over. Vince and Shane McMahon were too chicken shit to show up tonight. They were afraid of getting eaten up, literally, by the competition. Well, the Zombie Wrestlers aren’t afraid of nothing. Nada. We’ve got Zombie Yokozuna, The Zombie Bulldog, Zombie Guerrero…”

As Craig Nelson points to Eddie Guerrero, some familiar theme music plays – it is Eddie Guerrero’s music! But wait, Chavo Guerrero is heading towards the ring. But he stops half way on the ramp as he realizes getting any closer would get him eaten by some zombies, “you’ve abducted my brother and turned him into some sort of freak show.”

“Chavo!” Craig Nelson starts off with a snide look on his face, “he chose to be a zombie. Would you rather Eddie Guerrero be lying stiff in a coffin USELESS to everyone or would you rather some honest, decent, hard-working guy get some use out of his body. Every god-damn pussy around is crying about Eddie’s death and talking about never using him, but why not honor his legacy and use his god-damn corpse for some good instead of acting as though his life was a fuckin’ mistake.”

“Wow,” Chavo states in a surprised tone, “you actually have some well thought out points there. Shit, you caught me off-guard. I was kind of hoping you didn’t know what you were talking about… but wow.”

“ENOUGH!” Craig Nelson screams, “Chavo, you have walked right into my trap. You see, all of the original zombie wrestlers are surrounding the ring. But Stu Hart trained 3 new zombie’s to join my evil ranks. Say hello to Shaun the Zombie, Zombie A. Romero and Zombie Savini!”

Three Zombies appear behind Chavo on the ramp and they start hobbling towards him while the Zombies at ringside all start hobbling towards him. But wait, from a zip line, The Blue Blazer is flying towards the ring. All of the Zombies turn and look as he is just over top of the ring now. But wait, the cord snaps and The Blue Blazer starts to plummet towards the ring and BAM! He lands head first on the ring post and the fans aren’t sure how to react. Owen Hart has died… again!

Chavo Guerrero uses the temporary distraction to flee through the crowd as the Zombies are angry that they allowed The Blue Blazer to distract them. Craig Nelson is angry as he unmasks the Blue Blazer to find… it is Simon Dean! They were duped! Owen Hart is alive… again! Craig Nelson picks up a microphone and is pissed as hell, “how dare you trick me!”

Craig Nelson is in the ring now with The Zombie Bossman and Zombie Stephanie McMahon as they are angry. But wait, Owen Hart appears from underneath the ring and sends Zombie Stephanie and Craig Nelson to the outside and starts his match with the Zombie Bossman.

Owen Hart vs. The Zombie Bossman

Owen Hart sends The Zombie Bossman into the ropes and he hits a spinning heel kick looking like he hasn’t missed a step. Zombie Bossman is up and he swings his fists, but Owen ducks it, ending up behind the Bossman able to hit an atomic drop. Zombie Bossman is stumbling after the atomic drop, allowing Owen Hart to hit an almost perfect running bulldog!

On the apron now is The Zombie Bulldog, but Owen dropkicks him off the apron. The Zombie Bossman grabs him from behind and tries to bite him. But Owen swings around and opens fire with a barrage of fists! Owen Hart has the Zombie Bossman reeling before he kicks him in the gut and goes for a pile driver. But the Zombie Bossman shows off his power by back body dropping him. But Owen Hart automatically hops up to his feet and kicks the Zombie Bossman in the gut only to hit a pile driver. Cover, but only a two count.

Owen Hart is running out of ways to keep the Zombie Bossman down, and it looks like he might end up losing his life. But wait, out of no where Matt “I Won’t Die” Hardy slides in the ring! Matt Hardy plants The Zombie Bossman with a Twist of Fate! Owen Hart gets the quick cover and the three count. Matt “I Won’t Die” Hardy and Owen “I Won’t Die … Either” Hart rush to the backstage area avoiding contact with the Zombies.

Winner: Owen Hart

In the backstage area, the camera follows Owen Hart and Matt Hardy who stop to catch their breath. Matt Hardy speaks up first, “this is a dog eat dog world, Owen. I don’t know if you heard… but I won’t die. Biologically ain’t possible. And it seems that you keep NOT dying too. So how about this… me and you, we stick together. We ain’t gonna die, so we should watch each other’s back.”

Matt Hardy extends his hand for a shake and Owen contemplates it before shaking his hand. Owen speaks up, “Matt…we won’t… DIE!”

The two proceed to leave the camera where it was. We head back to the ring for the next match of the evening.

WWE World Tag-Team Title Match

MNM vs. Big Dick Zombie and Rocco Zombie

Two ECW alumni turned Zombies are in the ring waiting for MNM. The lights dim and the two Hollywood mega stars walk out with their titles around their waist. Melina is escorting them to the ring as they get in the ring. Melina stays on the outside as the it is simply MNM and the 2 zombies in the ring as the other Zombies have headed back to the “Zombie” locker room.

The match kicks off with Mercury and Big Dick Zombie. Mercury opens fire with lefts and rights. Mercury hits a clothes line and sends BDZ to the ground. Mercury waits for BDZ to get to one knee before he drop kicks him in the chest. Mercury makes the tag to Nitro who flies off the top and takes BDZ to the ground with a flying clothes line. BDZ is on the ground as Nitro stomps away.

Rocco Zombie is tagged in and he charges at Nitro. Nitro dodges to one side and hits a drop toe hold! Nitro sends Rocco Zombie into the ropes and he applies a sleeper hold. But wait, Rocco Zombie takes a huge chunk out of Nitro’s arm with one bite. Mercury hasps in horror as Nitro is shocked. He releases the hold and stares down at his arm. Big Dick Zombie enters the ring and proceeds to open the mid section of Nitro with one quick bite. The guts of Nitro are falling everywhere as Mercury and Melina have decided to flee the match and leave. Nitro is screaming in pain as the Zombies rip him to pieces.

As a result, we have new WWE World Tag-Team Champions… Big Dick Zombie and Rocco Zombie. Mercury and Melina have lost a vital portion of their team and it appears as if they are MM.

Winner: Big Dick Zombie and Rocco Zombie and WWE World Tag-Team Champions

Randy Orton is in the backstage standing by with Todd Grisham. Todd asks, “Randy, well all know you kill Legends. But can you kill Zombies?”

Randy Orton smirks and than speaks up, “can I kill Zombies? Todd, listen to what you are saying. Can a Third Generation athlete, who has beaten the likes of Triple H, Ric Flair, Jesus, Mick Foley and the Undertaker beat some Zombies. Abso-freaking-lutely.”

Todd looks confused, “wait, you have never beaten Jesus though.”

Randy Orton quickly replies, “that is the part of the bible those Christian’s won’t let you read. The Jews didn’t do it. Lets just say it ends in three letters – R-K-O. But Todd, that is beside the point. Randy Orton will fight any Zombie in a street fight next week and I’ll prove it to you. Randy Orton can kill anything you throw in front of me, including babies. I’d just shake them.”

Randy Orton shoves the microphone out of his face as we cut to John Cena standing in front of the RAW roster with his title in hand. John Cena speaks up, “I prepared a speech for you guys, here it goes.

“Those Zombies, they attack us on RAW.

And people don’t know what they saw.

They think that Cena and the E going to back down.

But I said, me and my niggers gonna bring it to every town.

All we gotta do is target their head.

And those zombies be dead.

Rally behind me, John Cena,

So I can bang a white girl named Tina!”

Cena stops as the wrestlers look rather confused. Booker T, Lashley, Shelton Benjamin, Viscera and Orlando Jordan all step forward as Booker T does the talking, “what yo cracka ass talking about. You can’t say our word, dawg.”

“What?” Cena looks confused, “I apologize, I shouldn’t have said Tina… I guess I can see how that was offensive.”

Booker T slaps Cena across the face and shoves him, “no. Nigger! That is a black word, cracka. You can call us dark, because we are a little dark. But us Niggers, we realize we gotta watch out for ourselves. And we don’t like being led by a cracka. So us niggers, well… we are watching each other’s backs and only our backs.”

Cena looks confused, “but… what about … Boogeyman?”

The Niggers shrug their shoulders as they walk away, “keep him, we don’t want him.”

Cena turns around and Boogeyman clocks him on the head with a … clock. Boogeyman proceeds to shove worms down Cena’s pants as the wrestlers look pretty embarrassed with Cena as their leader.

WWE Intercontinental Title Match

Mr. Perfect Zombie vs. Bobby Lashley vs. “Zombie” Chris Adams vs. Gene Snitsky

Mr. Perfect Zombie and “Zombie” Chris Adams are in the ring awaiting their opponents. But Lashley comes to the ring first and looks ready to intimidate. Gene Snitsky is out next and he looks ready to kill. As he is walking down the aisle, he trips over his feet, falls into the front row of the audience, landing on a pregnant woman, causing her to miscarriage. Snitsky looks into the eyes of the woman with deep hatred and states, “it wasn’t my fault.”

Snitsky proceeds to pick up the formerly pregnant woman as he carries her to the ring as a weapon. He slides in the ring and throws the woman onto “Zombie” Chris Adams. Lashley meanwhile just tosses Mr. Perfect Zombie across the ring and to the outside. Snitsky and Lashley both stare down each other as they look ready to attack each other. But they pause, and turn around to attack the Zombies. Snitsky sends “Zombie” Chris Adams into the ropes, only to deliver a sick kick, knocking the head of Chris Adams off and into the audience. “Zombie” Chris Adams falls to the ground and Snitsky covers as the referee makes the quick 1-2-3! Snitsky is the NEW Intercontinental Champion and those are words many didn’t want to hear.

Lashley is upset as he heads up the ramp while Craig Nelson has rushed to the ring and is angry that Snitsky has killed twice in one night.

Winner: Gene Snitsky to become the NEW Intercontinental Champion.

Craig Nelson is angry about what has happened as he storms around the ring. But wait… “Fat Bottom Girls” by Queen plays as Craig Nelson is confused. A very ugly Japanese woman with a fat bottom walks to the ring and Craig Nelson looks worried. Craig Nelson grabs a microphone, “FUNAKI! What are you doing?”

Funaki is in the ring now and kicks Craig Nelson square in the balls and Craig Nelson rolls to the outside as Funaki takes a microphone and speaks up, “Smackdown numba won annouca iz ah woohman. Kneilson fook mey in da boot!”

No one is quite sure what is going on, but I think the jist of it is Funaki had a second change and is claiming that Craig Nelson fucked him in the ass. Craig Nelson vehemently denies this on the outside and sick’s a few Zombies to attack Funaki, but Funaki rushes to the backstage area.

Zombie Yokozuna is in the ring now and awaiting his challenger for the main event.

WWE Championship Match

Zombie Yokozuna vs. John Cena

John Cena is heading towards the ring, but wait, rushing down the ramp is the Niggers. They attack Cena on the ramp and beat the hell out of him. It all ends with Lashley hitting a Dominator onto the steel ramp. Cena is definitely hurt as Booker T throws him into the ring. Zombie Yokozuna proceeds to drag him to the middle of the ring before he hits a massive leg drop.

Cena is slow to his feet and Zombie Yokozuna hits a huge belly to belly suplex and Cena is down and out in the middle of the ring. Zombie Yokozuna drags him over to the corner, mounts the second turn buckle and this could be the end of Cena. With a bounce, Zombie Yokozuna jumps off the second rope and crushes the sternum of Cena, killing him in an instant.

The Niggers are pleased with what they accomplished as Cena is dead now and Zombie Yokozuna is the WWE Champion. The Niggers are all exchanging high fives as Craig Nelson raises the hand of Zombie Yokozuna. But wait…

Winner: Zombie Yokozuna and new WWE Champion.

No Chance In Hell plays as Shane and Vince McMahon walk down the aisle with the WWE wrestlers close behind. Nelson encourages the Zombies to make their way to the ring. In the middle is the Niggers composed of Booker T, Orlando Jordan, Lashley, Shelton Benjamin and Viscera. Shane has a microphone,

“You’ve killed our legends, you’ve killed our champions, you killed our stars and you also killed Gregory Helms. And we sat by idle. And now, we are hitting back. Because you forgot one thing… you forgot one thing. You may have Zombies, but we’ve got more Monsters than you do.”

A spotlight shins upon a massive podium being lowered towards the ring. On the podium is Gangrel the vampire, the Boogeyman the actual Boogeyman, Tatanka who is a real live Indian and the Undertaker, the dead man himself. Craig Nelson and the Zombies flee as they realize they are fucking with the wrong people. Vince speaks up, “this means WAR!”

The show ends with the ring full of ghouls and Indians scaring away the Zombies from the ring. Next week is certainly going to be interesting!

***************

For those keeping a tally, lets run it down. The WWE lost Simon Dean, Johnny Nitro and John Cena, both Champions. The Zombies of course lost “Zombie” Chris Adams. And the rankings are…

TOP 5 WWE SUPER STARS

1. Gene Snitsky (showed his strength as he killed twice this week)

2. Will Not Die (aka, Hart and Hardy, who apparently won’t die.)

3. Three Minute Warning (they are fat and Samoan, plus the WWE kinda sucks now)

4. The Undertaker (he is already dead)

5. The Boogeyman (fucking creepy)

TOP 15 ZOMBIES

1. Zombie H (strongest force in Wrestling)

2. Zombie Yokozuna (holds the WWE Championship)

3. Big Dick Zombie (holds the WWE Tag-Team Championship)

4. Rocco Zombie (holds the WWE Tag-Team Championship)

5. Mr. Perfect Zombie (he is perfect, remember?)

WWE CASUALITIES

1. Gregory Helms (DEAD)

2. Ric Flair (DEAD)

3. Romeo & Antonio (DEAD)

4. The Big Show (DEAD)

5. Kane (DEAD)

6. Rey Mysterio (DEAD)

7. Triple H (ZOMBIE)

8. Simon Dean (DEAD

9. Johnny Nitro (DEAD)

10. John Cena (DEAD)

ZOMBIE CASUALITIES

1. “Zombie” Chris Adams” (BEHEADED)

Next week on RAW… Batista is hoping to avenge the loss of John Cena by fighting Zombie A. Romero in a World Heavyweight Title Match. This is the match that has the fans talking.

Will Not Die, Hardy and Hart, will be teaming up to take on Shelton Benjamin and Viscera as it seems there has been a rift created in the WWE. Will this match sever the ties between the Niggers and the normal people.

Ken Kennedy is facing off against The Zombie Bulldog in a No DQ Match. I don’t know why this is No DQ, but intend for their to be lots of action in this one.

Also, Zombie H will be in action squaring off against Steven Richards and… well, send your condolences early to Steven Richards because does anyone think he will live?

The Undertaker, Tatanka, The Boogeyman and Gangrel will all be in attendance next week and many are thinking they will play some role in the action that occurs.

And lastly, Randy Orton laid down an open challenge to any Zombie. But rumors are swirling that one of them niggers are going to take up the challenge. Will it be Nigger on Normal or Normal on Zombie Action this week? Tune in!

[JStarr]

lol, america