The October Challenge

[IDOL]

- Matt - is back!?

[Man Behind the Mask]

Finding “wrestlecrap” was difficult, because I wasn’t sure if it was something that was deliberately bad, accidentally bad, or so-bad-it’s-good. Something funny was a lot easier, although still a challenge as I tend to rely on running jokes and themes rather than having deliberate comedy. So here are two entries - something old and something new. There is plenty of something borrowed in the diary, and a little bit of something blue.

****

Entry 1 Build up and a match from the third BBW show

Smart Fan/Nervous Guy Promo

The Smart Fan does a great job of welcoming the fans to the show, getting them comfortable and filling in anyone new on what has been going on in BBW. Just before everyone has settled in, he spots a car pulling up at the front of the house. Smart Fan launches into a grand introduction:

"And now, I'd like everyone to welcome a major BBW Superstar... he is the most consistently successful wrestler that we have... show your appreciation for... Nervous Guy!!!"

Nervous Guy has just got out of his Mum's car. He sees the small crowd staring and cheering, so he blushes and darts out of sight. I can't believe he still turns up.

"Don't worry, he'll be back later. After all, just like Raw is Jericho, BBW is Nervous." Sounds like an overweight porn actress who has just found out her co-star has a fifteen incher.

(1) Caveman Promo

The show begins as Caveman emerges from the kitchen, sorry, I meant entranceway. He is carrying a blackboard, which he sets up facing the crowd. Caveman begins drawing with a piece of chalk - it looks like he is depicting what he hopes to do to Nervous Guy in their match. The crowd don't really understand until Caveman grunts a bit and mimics being terrified to show he is talking about Nervous Guy. Then they get on his back. Sadly, I think a colony of fleas beat them to it.

(2) Nervous Guy vs Caveman

The Smart Fan has fetched Nervous Guy by this time and leads him around to the back yard where his opponent awaits. It looks like the plucky underdog wasn't expecting a match, allowing Caveman to get dangerously close before Nervous Guy sets off at speed.

With his enemy so close, there isn't time to climb anything, so Nervous Guy actually heads towards the trampoline. Could it be that he is about to engage in a real match? No. Nervous Guy keeps running at full pace, but ducks underneath the metal bar that runs around the edge of what passes in BBW for the ring. The much larger Caveman doesn't have so much luck - he is also going at full speed, but cracks his head on the obstacle because he fails to crouch sufficiently. With his opponent unconscious, Nervous Guy picks up another win.

Winner: Nervous Guy

****

Entry 2 Celebrating my top heel reaching 100 over in the game

Frankie Future on TV

The live setting is a traditional interview set, the host sits alongside an empty chair, and delivers a piece to camera introducing possibly the biggest mistake of his broadcasting career.

Host: ”I’m very excited about meeting my next guest. Unquestionably one of the most rapidly rising stars in the world of sports entertainment, he is a Universal Champion and has some incredible stories to tell. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce... Frankie Future.”

The house band strikes up with a stripped down version of Future’s theme tune. He confidently steps out from backstage to something he rarely experiences - a round of applause. Seeking to educate those in attendance as quickly as possible, Future pauses to arrogantly slip the band conductor a tip. The musician looks rather shocked, but Frankie pats him on the head in a patronising fashion and continues his entrance. Future spots a kid in the front row and takes off his title belt so that the little fellow can have a closer look. The child leans forwards to take the gleaming strap, but Frankie pulls it up into the air so it is just out of his reach, laughing at the boy the whole time. A concerned floor manager rushes up and encourages Future to get on with the show and join the host.

Now smiling nervously, the host tries to get things back on track.

Host: ”Thanks very much for coming on, Frankie. You sure are a character!”

Future interrupts immediately.

Frankie Future: ”Let me tell you something, Stupid. You don’t mind if I call you Stupid?” He doesn’t wait for a response. ”I am not a CHARACTER (Frankie says it mockingly and makes quotation marks in the air with his fingers) . I am the greatest wrestler that there has ever been, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that there will never be anyone like me in the world ever again.”

The host laughs, playing along at this point, and tries to continue.

Host: ”You certainly are right about that. But let’s go back a step to before Frankie Future became famous. How did you get into wrestling as a kid?”

Frankie Future: ”Despite your inane manner, the terrible offering of food backstage and the tacky set we’re sitting in, I’m going to humour you, Stupid, and answer the question. I didn’t get into wrestling. Wrestling has been my destiny since the moment I was born. My very existence revolves around wrestling and one day the existence of wrestling will revolve around me.”

With his patience already tried, the interviewer attempts to lighten the situation with a quip.

Host: ”Well, it’s nice to have ambition.”

Frankie cuts him off again.

Frankie Future: ”You aren’t keeping up very well are you, Stupid? Ambition is meaningless to me as I already know how everything will turn out. The future is simply mine for the taking.”

The interviewer finally starts losing his cool.

Host: ”You are genuinely trying to tell me that you can see the future.”

Frankie Future: ”Of course. You’re next question is supposed to be “Who is your biggest rival right now?””

He gets more flustered, as Frankie’s taunting is now getting a little personally embarrassing.

Host: ”You just read that OFF THE CUE CARD! That doesn’t prove anything.”

Frankie Future: ”Ok. The question after that will be “Have you got any plans to move into the movies like the Rock or Hulk Hogan?””

With Future refusing to cooperate with the interview in any way, all bets are now off.

Host: ”THE RESEARCHER WENT THROUGH ALL THE QUESTIONS WITH YOU BEFORE THE SHOW!! Of course, the dumb bitch won’t have a job in the morning after she failed to spot you were a WACKO!”

Frankie Future: ”That’s sweet. I ought to tell you that your future will be to see her on the unemployment line. Shame about your wife.”

The host is now completely exasperated.

Host: ”What about my wife?”

Frankie Future: ”She’ll have to find a line of work that’s a little more sordid than hosting a crappy talk show. It’ll be OK until she starts taking the kids to work.”

Host: ”Why don’t you just shut the hell up and get off my show! You’re a ****ing lunatic!! Security!! Get this mother****er out of here!!!”

A security guard lumbers onto the stage and tries to manhandle Frankie away. Future fights back and puts the security guy in the Prophecy. It’s amazing how the overriding rule means that paying off security personnel is no longer a problem for me. Carnage ensues as more security rush in, the host goes purple with rage and begins jumping up and down on the spot like a small child, and the studio audience go bananas. The guys in the editing suite universally agree with Frankie’s opinion of the host, and are amazed to have finally found someone with an even bigger ego. They finally cut to a break as things go out of control.

The Rules of Booking extend themselves beyond wrestling once more as Frankie put in an extraordinary performance to get people talking about BBW and make himself a true star. In the early days, I spent my time laughing at the talent on my roster, but now my influence has grown so much that I can embarrass people I’ve never even met on national TV.

[Matt]

- Matt - is back!?

Indeed, I now have plenty of time to waste spend on the Internet and a computer that actually works to use.

[JStarr]

Okay, entries are obviously closed. I'm going to call on HttK and Be to look them all over and rank the WRITERS, not specific entries, in order of quality.

The list:

TheRaySays

Sousa

GA

stokerino

davidb1701

Hajj

Idol

- Matt -

Man Behind the Mask

Nine entrants...who will pull out the win?

[NobBe Nobbs]

So, do I just post it straight in here? In descending order:

1) stokerino. I challenge you to read his entry, to imagine it happening, and not laugh. I mean, I may be biased because I have shameless love for both Edge and Matt Hardy, but for the love of God.

MATT: “So, what? You’re saying your chances are one Woo in…Woo?”

EDGE: “WOOO.”

That's beautiful man.

2) Sousa. It doesn't hurt he plays to the judges by picking something involving Craig Pittman, but that is PRIME Wrestlecrap.

3) Ray. Like the entries above and below, it combined something that would unmistakably be Wrestlecrap with some good old slapstick in one case and Spanky and Shark Man in the other case. If more diaries contained Spanky and Shark Man, the Dome would be a funnier place.

4) GA. It had a rather Spinal Tappish air to it, and it makes me smile.

5) Matt. Making fun of a foreigner being unable to speak English has so much comic potential.

6) Idol. It was kinda funny. It was also slightly less scary than House of Leaves, and anybody who's read House of Leaves knows that House of Leaves is the scariest book ever written.

7) Hajj. It suffered from being in recap form.

8) Man Behind The Mask. I don't know, I just wasn't feeling it. It was more "Frankie Future acts like a douche, film at eleven" than it was funny.

9) David with the numbers. Jokes about Mike Adamle aren't funny in the best of times, but when it's the basis of a skit, that skit will crash harder than the Hindenburg.

Edited October 15, 2008 by Berack Obama

[Sousa]

This contest got unfair when people like stoke were allowed to join in and be actually funny instead of cheesy funny.

[stokeriño]

*goes back to sit in his corner*

[Sousa]

That's right, you'd better run.

[stokeriño]

...

*runs into corner, breaks nose*

[HailtotheYo]

WINNAH~!

SOUSA !

Holy shit your segment was the embodiment of WRESTLECRAP ! It was not only funny but well written, involved two absolutely laughable characters, and was something I could literally see on WCW programming. PLUS it was entertaining and made me cringe in the 'good' way, not the 'dear christ he's fucking a corpse' kind of way. For that good sir, you are the master of the crap that is wrestling.

GA

The 'Satiumentery' was freaking great. Three count is always the perfect punchline to anything involving Wrestlecrap especially when you add in the fact that Helms is an amazing talent. The way you did the segment only adds to the hilarity.

TheRaySays

I had something all written out for your entry, but Be summarized it in one word. Slapstick. Wrestling is the perfect medium for it, and you did it quite well.

Stoke

I had to read it a couple of times because simply put ... Matt Hardy can go suck a fuck. I hate him so much I've contimplated doing a WWE diary for the simple pleasure of writing him out of .... life < _ < ... but seriously though, you partnered him with Edge and that is gold. The entire 'Wooo' thing was fucking class.

Matt

I love the entire 'LOL not from here' deal as much as the next guy. You were on the cusp, but something was missing and it didn't go over the top to the "crap" area. Very close, but just amiss of something.

Idol

This would have been better, but I feel it suffered from 'tried to hard' syndrome. There was some humor, but the segment seemed overdone for the comedy that was in it.

Hajjhowe To quote Be "It suffered from being in recap form" ... This probably would have been higher and produced more of that "crap" feel to it if there was more to explore. The recap format really left out much of what you needed to get across for the entry to work. Although, your fued was one of the more "craptacular" things entered, and I mean that in a good way.

Man Behind The Mask/David1701

I simply didn't find either entry funny to be honest.

[stokeriño]

So both of my votes depended primarily on how much the judge adored or despised Matt Hardy?

I wasn't aware he was such a divisive figure.

[HailtotheYo]

Actually, no although my explination reads differently.

My hatred for Matt Hardy is why I had to read it a few times. Your placement was based on only how funny/wrestlecrappy I thought it was. Had I not gone and read over it a few more times you'd have been last simply because of matt hardy .... but no, your placement is reflective of what I thought of the segment, not what I think of matt hardy.

[stokeriño]

Oh good.

I would have hated to start second-guessing myself next time I felt like a Hardy push.

[JStarr]

My rankings will be based on who stuck most to the original spirit of the challenge, i.e. who was man enough to admit to writing some good old fashioned WrestleCrap.

TheRaySays: Stacking and eating flapjacks. Oh, dear God. This screams Crap. The idea of guys like Norton and Kokina pummeling each other with hands sticky from maple syrup is funny to me, and the Trooper sticking a ticket to Kokina's chin at the end was a great touch. Definitely picks up the slack for the only-mildly-amusing Spanky skit.

Sousa: Again, a man who can admit to willingly putting up some good Crap. "Honky Tonk Man is your mama" made me giggle like a total goof. There needed to be a good Honky double-take there, though. Gilberti disco dancing, yeah, okay, it's been done. If he'd been doing the foxtrot, that would have been something. And can I assume this is from Hoganomics? I mean, there's no link, which I do remember asking for in the original post.

GA: Three Count goofing on music. Eh.

stokerino: Orton made the skit what it was. Matt was just there, the Edge-as-Flair bit wore out until Matt began to order him out of the studio, and somehow, I have a hard time buying Batista being the one with the goofy "100%" line. I know some member of Evolution had to say it, but I would doubt it'd be him. But cutting back to Orton working on his pelvic thrusts would have made me spit my beer if I saw that come out of nowhere on TV. On to the "MPSA"...yeah, definitely odd. Not sure how much I rofl'd at it, but it wasn't completely worthless.

davidb1701: Okay, first of all, we need more of London and Kendrick spoofing Miz and Morrison. That was inspired stuff, even when Adamle showed up. The second skit is just disturbing. Really. You need an angle where Adamle gets corrective lenses and can finally tell that Miz is a man. Bonus points if they're X-ray powerful and he spends the episodes perving on the Divas, claiming he can see through their clothes. But yeah, if you'd stuck with just the first one, you'd have been in much better shape.

Hajjhowe: Loser Leaves the Universe Ladder Match. Just typing those words makes me laugh. Unfortunately, you'll be docked for the fact that there is apparently no payoff as yet. Finished angles work much better. And recap doesn't do a goofy angle much justice.

Idol: Okay, a pizza with a Polaroid of a horse head on it. Meh. As for the David Flair bit...it's certainly Crap, just not good, funny, entertaining Crap.

- Matt -: Hmm...we have an early prototype for Santino Marella. "She old and smell like old person" was a good line, but the rest was just "hey, a guy who butchers English." If I wanna see that done right, I'll watch the Short Circuit movies.

Man Behind the Mask: Okay, Nervous Guy was justifiably popular. It's more the commentary that does it (as it is in most of BBW) than the angle itself, though. The angle itself was just typical backyard cornball comedy. And Frankie Future in a Tonight Show-esque setting? I dug it, but was it part of a BBW show, or was it him actually making a TV appearance? That doubt hurts the ranking, as I'm not sure it'd be something that was "booked," per se.

So, my final rankings:

9. Idol

8. GA (So, that's a no on humor in WCW 2000? )

7. MBTM

6. Matt

5. Hajj

4. davidb1701

3. stok

2. Sousa

1. TheRaySays (Even though the Team Challenge Series was a bit of an easy target.)

Combining that with Be and HttK's scores, we get our final standings, lowest score wins:

Sousa: 2+1+2=5 (20 KOTD pts.)

TRS: 3+3+1=7 (18)

stok: 1+4+3=8 (16)

GA: 4+2+8=14 (14)

Matt: 5+5+6=16 (12)

Hajj: 7+7+5=19 (10)

Idol: 6+6+9=21 (8)

david: 9+9+4=22 (6)

MBTM: 8+8+7=23 (4)

Congratulations to JP Sousa for being man enough to admit that he books cornball skits involving one-joke workers and can still make it come off funny as fuck. What a man. ("HE'S A MAN...ahem..." )

[Matt]

Well, I'll settle for fifth since that was the only thing I could find that was funny crap and not just crap.

[TheRaySays]

Congratz Sous!

Honky Tonk Boot Camp is a beautiful baby.

[Hajjhowe]

You should have kept this exclusively as WrestleCrap, than I would have been able to finish 3rd

But yes, Sousa's stuff ruled and was most certainly of the WrestleCrap feeling.

Edited October 21, 2008 by Hajjhowe

[Sousa]

Woo! Horsemen vitamins all around!

Thanks to the judges, and big up to Ray as well, because his was fucking incredible. Scott Norton + pancakes = awesome.

In answer to the questions, yes, this is from Hoganomics, and I'm sorry I forgot to post the link--I'll track it down later tonight and post it just for continuity's sake. The ultimate plan, of course, was for Gilberti to win the thing, take the Honky Tonk Kid moniker, and then go on to help Honky win the TV Title at Starrcade, with Pittman serving as sort of a tough-guy enforcer trying to keep Gilberti in line. The ultimate plan was for a split, with Honky Jr. turning face, taking on the old Disco Inferno name (a la Red Rooster), and taking the TV Title from Honky. Then I'd probably put Honky out to pasture. But yeah, I failed to realize I had Honky on an open contract, and the bastard left. Ironically, it worked out exactly like it did in WCW at the time.

But thanks to the judges and congrats to everyone involved.