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The Wrestling Bear


Boulder
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No fucking way.

I was surprised when I heard that the people of my new hometown, Hog Rod, Arkansas, knew I used to be involved in the wrestling business. I was shocked when they told me they all scraped $200,000 together and wanted me to start a local wrestling league with it. But I was downright flabbergasted when I heard the catch.

I remember Joe Boy Piddleton’s words as they rolled off his tongue like syrup on a heaping pile of Southern flapjacks:

“Ya gotta have The Bear in your league.”

I didn’t even know what he meant. “The Bear?” I had asked.

“Yeah, The Bear,” he told me. “Remus Clavell’s Bear.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Remus Clavell was the mayor of Hog Rod. He also charged two bucks a head on the second Sunday on every month to everyone who wanted to see him wrestle his 700 pound Brown Bear in a pit of mud.

“How can I put The Bear in my league?”

“It’s simple,” said Joe Boy, speaking for the entire town, apparently, as he handed me a contract. “The Bear rassles. Folks in your league rassle. Make ‘em rassle The Bear.”

“That sounds dangerous,” I said.

“Hell, Fried,” said Joe Boy, “You been here four months, and you ain’t seen The Bear hurt nobody. And I tell you this much, The Bear ain’t hurt nobody before you came.”

“But he only works with Remus. He knows and trusts Remus.”

“C’mon! Remus knows this lady, Sophie, who can make The Bear act real nice and stuff. She can talk to bears, folks say.”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Fried,” said Joe Boy, “we know about you. We know how badly you’ve wanted to get back into rasslin’ ever since that whole electric barbed wire mishap back in ’87. This is the only way.”

He was right. Besides, The Bear had been living in domesticity for its entire life. How was he different from a big dog?

“Fine,” I said, taking the pen and signing the contract. “But Sophie better know what she’s doing.”

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I know I've been posting quite a few diaries lately, but this is it. Whether this one lives or dies (and I intend for it to live), I will not start another diary until September 1, 2005.

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As happy as I am to see this back that happening would make it lose all it's appeal. It still has a bit of realism when it's Indy jobbers lowering themselves to fight the Bear. It doesnt matter if it's Jeff or whoever, but having the Bear fight people on that level would render one of the coolest ideas ever completely stupid.

P.S. Ollie you are a loser and you smell bad :P

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Hehe! No seriousley this seems funny as hell... You should have some keiji (dunno if thats right) guys fight him liek Kung Fu Chicken Noodley and Cycloptopuss. That'd be funny! Or that evil Dr.Cube, i'd love to see him mauled by a bear! Hey JHStalker... you smell... of bad things!

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The following day, I met with Sophie, which was an experience in itself.

“I firmly believe,” she told me, sitting in my living room, sipping on green tea she had brought with her, “that I was a bear in a previous life. A Polar Bear, not a Brown Bear, but it’s really close enough, now, isn’t it?”

I was a little dumbfounded. “That’s… that’s fascinating,” I told her, “but main concern is that you prevent The Bear from eating the other wrestlers. Can you do that?”

“The Bear eats when its life force needs replenishing.”

“Okaaaay,” I replied. “I’m sorry, but I can’t hire you unless you can guarantee me no eatings, no maulings, none of that.”

“Not only will The Bear not hurt anyone, but The Bear will not want to hurt anyone.”

“Good,” I said, still a little confused. “Good. Our first show is Monday, February 2nd.”

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Hehe! No seriousley this seems funny as hell... You should have some keiji (dunno if thats right) guys fight him liek Kung Fu Chicken Noodley and Cycloptopuss. That'd be funny! Or that evil Dr.Cube, i'd love to see him mauled by a bear! Hey JHStalker... you smell... of bad things!

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A-ha Kaiju thats the begger. And I can't work out if you really think I'm witty or you're being sarcastic... Maybe I shouldn't ask... I cannot wait for the first show! BTW, what are The Bears stats, i'm guessing 100 (or close to it) for brawling, Maybe something under 15 for speed, and 0 for technical... Or can bears lock in the Octopus stretch?

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Beef better be there Boulder, or *cut throat sign*

and for those of you who don't know what I'm talking about...

FROM IWS "V"

In a rare man-animal inter-species match, Beef Wellington was able to overcome a bear. Mind you, Beef was only able to pin the bear after the ursine grappler was distracted by a timely run-in by a three-legged cow. Beef won the match in 5:53 with his crowd-pleasing ass punch.

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Still funny. :) How long before we see new stuff?

I've got two old shows and a few old backstage segments. After that, the horizon is clear.

A-ha Kaiju thats the begger. And I can't work out if you really think I'm witty or you're being sarcastic... Maybe I shouldn't ask... I cannot wait for the first show! BTW, what are The Bears stats, i'm guessing 100 (or close to it) for brawling, Maybe something under 15 for speed, and 0 for technical... Or can bears lock in the Octopus stretch?

100 for brawling, 100 for stiffness, 100 for charisma, and 0 for everything else (this is EWR, btw)

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Bear TV- February 2, 2004

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, despite the fact that the only person in attendance was Hoss Peabody. “ARE YOU READY FOR A NIGHT OF THE WILDEST WRESTLING ACTION YOU’VE EVER SEEN?” Hoss clapped three times.

“Well, then fear not!” I shouted, “because it’s time for the action to begin. Tonight we will see a four man- oops, I mean, four wrestler-” I winked at Hoss, and he clapped- “a four wrestler tournament in which the first ever Pro Wrestling BEAR World Champion will be crowned! There’s never been anything like Pro Wrestling BEAR, and you, you lucky few, have rolled up your sleeves, spit in your palms, and caught it right at the very beginning!” Well, I was still the impresario I used to be. “Now, without further ado, ENJOY THE SHOW!”

Semifinal Round Tournament Match: The Wrestling Bear versus Asylum

Canadian brawler Asylum was making his Arkansas debut in this match. Unfortunately, he will have to wait a little longer before he can claim to have an Arkansas win. The Wrestling Bear tore him apart (not literally, though) with charges and squashes- typical bear offense. Asylum managed to dropkick the shoulder blade of The Wrestling Bear at one point, but it had almost no effect. The Wrestling Bear swiped Asylum in the face with the Bear Claw strike, and then covered him for the three count.

Overall- 51

Crowd- 27

Match- 76

I got out of my seat, and began shouting again. “What a contest!” I screamed. “But folks, as we all know, there’s a lot more to wrestling than simply athleticism! Character, emotion, and drama are part of this great sport. And what better way to show these integral components than to talk to some of our talent? At this time, it is my pleasure to give you the world famous Cassidy O’Reilly!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Hoss scratching his head. Nevertheless, I kept my gaze fixed on O’Reilly as he made his way out. “Mr. O’Reilly,” I began, still speaking with a cartoonish level of perfect annunciation, “How does it feel to be wrestling in front of the great fans of Hog Rod, and possibly even contending for the Pro Wrestling BEAR World Championship?”

“Listen, Fried,” he began, “How do you think it feels to be in Hog Rod? I’m a celebrity! I’ve wrestled for the NWA on Pay-Per-View! And I’m stuck here? Well, mark my words- I will be the first ever BEAR World Champion! I’m going to take that belt, and show this place what a real champion is like!” Hoss booed. He was really getting into it.

“Well,” I said, “that… is your opinion. Your opponent, though, would disagree with you! Please welcome Flash Christian!”

Overall- 44%

Semifinal Round Tournament Match: Cassidy O’Reilly versus Flash Christian

Christian threw O’Reilly into the ring and decimated him early on with babyface offense. However, O’Reilly reversed the momentum with an eye rake, drawing a warning from the referee (i.e., me). O’Reilly nailed a bulldog, but only scored a two count. He and Christian continued to put on an exciting, though spotty match, until time expired at 15:00.

Overall- 47

Crowd- 23

Match- 71

“No way!” I shouted, “Let’s restart the match! There must be a winner!” O’Reilly sold it well, like he was really pissed. Christian just kept his brave face on.

Semifinal Round Tournament Match: Cassidy O’Reilly versus Flash Christian (continued)

Christian attacked O’Reilly, and the two began brawling. However, I managed to catch a glimpse of Hoss, and I noticed his eyes were closing. “Shit!” I yelled, “We’re losing the crowd. Bring it home!” They segued into the finish, which saw O’Reilly duck a punch and pin Christian after a superkick.

Overall- 48

Crowd- 25

Match- 71

“Well,” I said, loudly. Hoss was still dozing. “WELL,” I yelled. His eyes opened. “You scored your win, O’Reilly. Now you will go to the finals of the tournament, and your opponent will be… THE WRESTLING BEAR!” Hoss cheered. Now I had his attention.

“Bring that bear on,” said O’Reilly. “I’ll be a zookeeper tonight if I need to be. Bottom line is, I’m a man, and he’s just a bear. And he ain’t even so great at being a bear.” Suddenly, The Wrestling Bear’s music hit, drawing the loudest one-man pop I’d ever heard. It was on.

Overall- 47%

Final Round Tournament Match: The Wrestling Bear versus Cassidy O’Reilly

The Wrestling Bear was all fired up, and O’Reilly proved to be little more than an unlucky challenger. He managed to outrun The Bear at first, and even kicked The Bear in the rear and the side a few times. However, The Beat would have none of that. He stood up on his hind legs, grabbed O’Reilly, and squeezed him with his signature Bearhug. O’Reilly tapped out, making The Bear the Pro Wrestling BEAR World Champion.

Overall- 59

Crowd- 44

Match- 74

Hoss was cheering again. “What a wild night!” I exclaimed. “Your winner, and the first ever BEAR World Champion, THE WRESTLING BEAR!” I tossed the Championship Belt into the ring. The Bear sniffed it, licked it, and then laid down on it and closed his eyes.

--------------------

Overall- 50%

Edited by Boulder
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Well, that went pretty well.

Monday’s show was a bit of a letdown at first, seeing as how we only had one audience member in attendance. I hadn’t run into Hoss Peabody since the show, but Hoss Griffith told me that Peabody was running his mouth about the show down at the general store. From what I heard, a lot of folks were interested. I was glad. This week, we might double, or even triple the gate.

Things with Sophie went well, too. Asylum and Cassidy came out relatively unharmed, and they didn’t up and quit the company, which was a plus. I lost money on the first show, but once I started making more of a name for myself and Pro Wrestling BEAR, I figured I’d get bigger sponsors. I hoped, anyway.

And The Bear? He was taking it well. Sophie and I visited him every day at Remus’s, and, according to Sophie, that one show had heightened The Bear’s self-esteem by 76%. “Well,” I had told her, slightly bewildered, “A happy employee is a hard-working employee.”

I still had the task of picking out some more talent to work the February 9th episode of Bear TV. As much as I wanted the crowd to get accustomed to the names I was using, I also wanted to keep fresh workers coming in, so that I could prevent things from getting stale.

My work was cut out for me. There was a lot of money invested in this project, and the fact that it wasn’t mine was only a partial comfort.

Edited by Boulder
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Bear TV- February 9, 2004

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” I shouted once again, though Hoss Peabody was still the only person in the crowd, and this time, he’d brought his transistor radio along with him. “IF YOU THOUGHT THAT LAST WEEK’S DEBUT SHOW WAS EXCITING, THEN PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR DEFINITION OF THE WORD CHANGED! TONIGHT, PRO WRESTLING BEAR WILL REACH HEIGHTS THAT NOT EVEN NOSTRADAMOS HIMSELF COULD HAVE PREDICTED! HEIGHTS THAT NOT EVEN SHAKESPEARE HIMSELF COULD HAVE CREATED! HEIGHTS THAT NOT EVEN EINSTEIN HIMSELF COULD HAVE FATHOMED!” Hoss clapped wildly.

“Without further ado,” I said, “LET’S START THE SHOW!”

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Cassidy O’Reilly versus Jason Norcross

O’Reilly started off with quick brawling, which kept Hoss into things. In fact, he remembered O’Reilly’s words from last week, and got on his case quite a bit, which pleased me. Norcross was sharp overall, nearly picking up the win after a hurricanrana. However, O’Reilly soon caught him with his signature Superkick, gaining the victory.

Overall- 48%

Crowd- 28%

Match- 69%

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After the match, O’Reilly rolled out of the ring and grabbed a microphone. “Cut my music,” he panted. “I don’t know who’s listening, and I don’t care. There’s only one person that I want to talk to… The Wrestling Bear. Bear, listen up and listen well. Tonight, you’re gonna have the toughest match of your life. You’re gonna come out here, and you’re gonna lose that title. Last week you got lucky and managed to beat me- quite frankly, there were a number of rule infractions on your part, i.e., scratching and low-level biting, and I’m thinking of petitioning the BEAR board regarding the whole situation. Nevertheless, there ain’t a chance in hell you’re leaving with the title tonight! ‘Cause you’re gonna wrestle… my partner, Chase Stevens!”

Stevens came out. Hoss didn’t know who he was, but at the same time, he was interested in the proceedings. “Chase,” said O’Reilly, “what are you going to do when you get your hands on that bear?”

“What am I gonna do?” said Stevens, “What am I gonna do? I’m gonna send him back into hibernation!”

Stevens and O’Reilly high-fived, and headed to the back with big grins on their faces.

Overall- 52%

----------

Mr. Boombastic versus Flash Christian

Well, Hoss had started listening to his radio. As engrossed as I was in my refereeing of this match, I couldn’t help but overhear that Hope, Arkansas’s AA baseball team, the Bumblebees, were getting trounced by the Nashville Ferrets. Meanwhile, Boombastic and Christian busted their humps in the ring, trying to get Peabody to care. Christian’s top rope moonsault drew an “oooh” from the old man, and that was good enough for all of us. Right afterwards, Boombastic nailed Christian with the Boombastic Smasher for the win.

Overall- 42%

Crowd- 17%

Match- 68%

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Cassidy O’Reilly versus Mr. Boombastic

Cassidy O’Reilly ran out and attacked Mr. Boombastic, and demanded that I start an official match between the two. I complied, and he went to work decimating Boombastic. However, Mr. Boombastic managed to regain his bearings and, despite the surprise of the attack, he suplexed O’Reilly around the ring for a bit. This didn’t last long, though, as O’Reilly hit three DDTs in a row to score the pinfall. Hoss didn’t particularly care.

Overall- 42%

Crowd- 12%

Match- 72%

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A self-satisfied Cassidy O’Reilly headed to the back, and I grabbed the microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for our MAIN EVENT!” Hoss shut off the radio. “First, coming down to the ring-” I was cut off by Chase Stevens’s music. He walked out from the back with a microphone of his own.

“Wait just a minute, Fried,” said Stevens. “Before we do this, I got something to say. I hate this town.” Hoss booed. “You wanna know why I hate this town? Because not a damned person here has any loyalty! I’m Chase Stevens- human being! I fly all the way from my mansion on the beach to Arkansas to fight for the human race, and what do I get? I get booed! I’m defending your honor! Each and every one of you! You all suck!” I winked at Stevens, indicating he should deliver the line that we had talked about earlier. “You stupid, braindead, hillbillies!”

Hoss yelled something at Stevens that made me glad that there were no children in the audience.

Overall- 53%

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Pro Wrestling BEAR World Championship Match: The Wrestling Bear © versus Chase Stevens

I still had my old copy of the “WCW: Mayhem” CD, so I set it up so that The Bear would come out to Goldberg’s entrance theme. It seemed to heighten the atmosphere, as Hoss got up and cheered. I never thought I’d see a man so impressed by a bear with a cheap rubber belt wrapped around his leg, but hey, this whole thing was pretty surprising. Chase climbed to the top rope immediately, and came off with a legdrop onto The Bear’s head. He was a little confused, but he did not go down. Chase went back to the top, and dove off, but The Beat moved and Stevens landed chest-first on the mat. The Bear walked over to Stevens and sniffed his hair, and then stepped on him, drawing the submission. When he got off, Stevens slapped him in the face, prompting a growl. Upon seeing The Bear’s teeth, Chase Stevens ran from the ring and headed to the back.

Overall- 62%

Crowd- 44%

Match- 81%

----------

“Ya gotta do more than that to beat The Bear!” shouted Hoss as he danced happily.

“You certainly do,” I announced. “Thank you all for coming, fans! I hope to see you next week, and so does our World Champion!” I pointed to The Bear, who was in the middle of sullying the canvas.

Overall- 51

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“So,” I asked, “is there any way to make it so that he doesn’t, uh, y’know, in the ring? I had to buy a new canvas.”

Sophie answered me without taking her eyes or hands from The Bear. “When he does that, Mr. Fried, it means he’s comfortable. When he’s comfortable, he’s relaxed. When he’s relaxed, he’s easy to work with. Surely, a few canvases are no major inconvenience when it comes to a bear who’s easy to work with?”

“Good point,” I said, “but there must be some way to, say, make him ‘relax’ more before going out to the ring?”

Sophie smiled at me. “I’ll see what I can do.” She turned back around to tend to The Bear. You know, I had to admit, as weird as she was, she was one sweet-

“You can’t read people’s thoughts, right?”

“No, Mr. Fried. Only bears.”

Good. Good, good, good, good, good.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for the reposts. New stuff is coming up.

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Bear TV- February 16, 2004

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!” I shouted once again. “WELCOME BACK TO BEAR TV!” Actually, “welcome back” wasn’t the phrase to use; Hoss Peabody couldn’t make it this week due to prior engagements. Instead, factory worker “Curly” Haire came, though unfortunately, he didn’t bring any of his children. “Domination, fans, is an odd beast. For as much as it leads to the demoralization of one’s enemy, that very same demoralization heightens jealousy, anger, and the desire for retaliation. Tonight, we will see how The Hotshots demonstrate this desire for retaliation. Plus, we’ll have a four man mini-tournament to determine a number one contender to the Pro Wrestling BEAR World Title!”

Curly seemed enthusiastic. If only I knew he’d retain that enthusiasm during the non-Bear matches.

Semifinal Round Tournament Match: Mr. Boombastic versus Greg Pawluk

Greg Pawluk, the brilliant young Canadian technician, made his BEAR debut in this thrilling match. Pawluk kept Boombastic grounded in the early goings, stretching him on the mat and wearing out his back and legs. Boombastic managed to poke Pawluk in the eye, though, and from there, he gained the upper hand. A suplex damaged the newcomer, despite the fact that Boombastic’s injured legs kept him from holding Pawluk up for long. Finally, Boombastic hit the Boombastic Smasher and picked up the win.

Overall-51%

Crowd- 22%

Match- 80%

----------

“What a win by England’s own Mr. Boombastic!” I yelled. Curly seemed mildly amused as he leaned back with his arms crossed. “But we move from one potential challenger to two others- please welcome Chase Stevens and Cassidy O’Reilly, The Hotshots!”

Stevens and O’Reilly made their way out to the ring. Though Curly had never seen them before, he booed them, knowing they were heels due to their arrogant demeanor- and the fact that it was overcast, but they were wearing sunglasses. “Stevens and O’Reilly,” I said, “a please to have you both here. Gentlemen, I understand you have a surprise for World Champion The Bear.”

Stevens grabbed the microphone from me. “You damn right, Fried. We do have a surprise for that joke of a World Champion. Bear, seems like so far, you been smarter than you look. You had me and Cassidy’s number, we’ll admit. But not tonight, son. You see, you’re gonna wrestle tonight, Bear. You’re gonna put that World Title on the line tonight, Bear. And you’re gonna wrestle me.”

Cassidy took the microphone, “Or me!”

Stevens took it back. “That’s right, Bear. You’re gonna wrestle a Hotshot tonight. But you ain’t gonna know which one until match time! Chase or Cassidy, baby, Chase or Cassidy!”

Overall- 43%

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Semifinal Round Tournament Match: Jason Norcross versus Asylum

Asylum’s typical big-man offense may not have been original, but nobody would argue over its effectiveness. Asylum clotheslined Norcross, then hit him with a couple of powerslams. Asylum followed up with a Gorilla Press Slam which I liked, but Curly didn’t. “Bring out The Bear!” he shouted, embarrassing the three of us in the ring. We cut things short, as Asylum went for a slam, but Norcross rolled him up for the pin.

Overall- 38%

Crowd- 10%

Match- 67%

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Final Round Tournament Match: Mr. Boombastic versus Jason Norcross

We quickly jumped into the match, as I wanted to get The Bear out as soon as possible. Curly was an impatient man, and it was not beyond him to leave if he was unentertained. Boombastic rushed the ring and gave Norcross a German Suplex. He then went up to the top turnbuckle, and came off with an elbow drop. Boombastic covered, but I hesitated to make the count after the shady circumstances of his performance. He yelled a threat to me, at which point I made the three count.

Overall- 48%

Crowd- 28%

Match- 69%

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“Mr. Boombastic,” I said, taking the microphone. “Though your win was questionable at best, you will go on to challenge The Wrestling Bear for the BEAR Title next week. What are your thoughts?”

“My thoughts, Fried? It’s a bleeding bear!” I had urged Boombastic to play up his ethnicity, while at the same time taking an Un-American tone. “Maybe he’d be a challenge to you American wankers, but to a real man, an Englishman, he’s just a dumb animal.” Curly started a “U.S.A.” chant. “You fans know it’s good and true! You colonials are a piss-poor Xerox of us, and that Bear will fall tonight! Bugger all, it’s not even a Canadian Grizzly! American Brown Bear, my arse!"

Overall- 34%

----------

Pro Wrestling BEAR World Championship Match: The Wrestling Bear © versus Chase Stevens

As The Bear made his way out to the ring, Curly let loose with cheers, whistles, and even a “hot damn!” The Hotshots stood in the corner together, until Cassidy O’Reilly jumped out of the ring and Chase Stevens charged The Bear. The Bear snarled, so Stevens ran behind him, and kicked him in the posterior. The Bear grunted, and started to turn around, but Stevens followed The Bear’s rear and kicked it again. The Bear turned, Stevens followed, and kicked him again, but this time, The Bear retaliated with a back kick, catching Stevens in the gut. The Hotshot crumbled to the canvas, and The Bear walked over to him and started licking him. This was as good as a cover, I figured, so I made the three count. Cassidy O’Reilly ran into the ring to attack, but The Bear lifted a paw, and O’Reilly hit the road. The Bear went back to licking Stevens’s face and chest, and did so for the next seven minutes. Curly couldn’t get enough of it.

Overall- 64%

Crowd- 46%

Match- 82%

----------

Overall- 48%

Edited by Boulder
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“The Bear is happier than he’s ever been before,” Sophie told me later in the week as we sipped on green tea on a porch swing right outside my house. “How’s Chase?”

“Soggy, but enthusiastic,” I told her. “And he had the added bonus of explaining a Frisbee-sized hickey to his girlfriend. So how have you been, Sophie?”

“Mars is in retrograde, making projects difficult to complete,” she told me. I was starting to enjoy this a lot, actually.

“Not for me, babe. I’ve got the greatest angle in Pro Wrestling BEAR history planned out for next week’s show. It should have the whole town talking.”

She poked me in the ribs playfully. “Don’t call me ‘babe,’” she said. “Is it really that good?”

“Am I generally one to brag?” I asked her.

“Well,” she replied, “not ‘brag,’ but you have a subtle ‘tooting-one’s-own-horn’ air about you.”

“There’s nothing subtle about this, Soph. I’m the man, and this is going to rule.”

“So long as you’re modest,” she told me.

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