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Guest Kou

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Hajjhowe Intercontinental Champion

Hajjhowe

Posted
Posted

Drunk Arn Anderson

vs.

Keiji Sydal

Drunken Arn Anderson > Almost all.

Winner: Drunk Arn Anderson

Le Viking

vs

Snuggles the Wonder Bear

I like French Canadians. Why? I will never know.

Winner: Le Viking

Dragon Jones

vs.

Blandy Snoreton

A heel needs to win.

Winner: Blandy Snoreton

Robot

vs.

Jimmy Hoffa's Dead Body

If he can't beat an inflatable doll, I will be upset.

Winner: Robot

Incredibly Black Man

vs.

Moldberg

I am afraid an Incredibly Black Man is better then a Goldberg rip off.

Winner: IBM

Angrrry Soffa

vs.

Cade Sydal

Um yeah... only one can move.

Winner: Cade Sydal

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CadeSydal Midcarder

CadeSydal

Posted
Posted

Drunk Arn Anderson

vs.

Keiji Sydal ...I must pull for my long lost Japanese brother...only because a finals match with him and I both in it, would be off the charts in weirdness.

Le Viking...Le Viking is the boss' boy, he'll win.

  vs

Snuggles the Wonder Bear

Dragon Jones...I like the name better.

vs.

Blandy Snoreton

Robot

vs.

Jimmy Hoffa's Dead Body...Robot accidentally falls down while trying to grapple the doll...

Incredibly Black Man...he's black, and an incredible man, apparently.

vs.

Moldberg

Angrrry Soffa

vs.

Cade Sydal...I'll find a way to make him tap out, or put some shoulders to the mat. I'm Cade Sydal damnit!

SEMI FINAL 1:

K. Sydal...he's my brother, he must have inherited some talent somewhere...maybe?

vs.

Viking

SEMI FINAL 2:

Dragon...he won't fall victim the way Robot did

vs.

Hoffa

SEMI FINAL 3:

IBM

vs.

Cade...It's me, I rule :P

FINALS:

Keiji v Dragon Jones v Cade...us brothers are locked in an eternal feud, that surpasses the title :P

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Skummy Hall Of Famer

Skummy

Posted
Posted

Tom Waits needs to be the commissioner, obviously.

Who opens every show with a song - and then hits people with his guitar or whatever instrument he plays.

PIANO TO THE HEAD~! PIANO TO THE HEAD~!

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  • 1 year later...
Guest Kou

Guest Kou

Posted
Posted

BEST OF THE REST I

(assuming I get to Best of the Rest II)

FBI Warning: I'm pretty sure no one bought this videotape but if you did don't copy it more then three times.

We fade in to the sexiest Scottish-Canadian in Canada behind a folding table.

Kou: Welcome one and all to Tom Waits Wrestling, Best of the Rest 1!

Pan to the crowd of three teen males and a cat.

Kou: Just look at how crazy that crowd is! (Cat licks itself a few times) Well since this show is jam packed with matches let's get right to it! (Cat meows, Which we'll consider a pop)

"Run Through the Jungle" by CCR (I'm too lazy to spell it out in full) hits and a very drunk Arn Anderson comes through the curtain. We have it set up so the entrance to the backyard where the gate should be is a nice black sheet with TWW spray painted on it and cut down the middle so the wrasslers can come through it. We of course bought a top of the line ring with TWW ring aprons and a squishy mat that Cade Sydal likes so much. The three ropes are silver-black-silver. This is all pointless information so let's continue.

Arn stumbles out towards the general direction of the ring and finally gets into it after a few helping hands from our esteemed ref, Sir Sean Davies. Arn leans on the turnbuckles looking very pissed off that he had to stop drinking for a bit. Cade Sydal's music hits, Which is "Anxiety" by Black Eyed Peas and Papa Roach

. Since I've never heard the song I assume it's good as the most fiendish member of the TWW walks out. Keiji is dressed up exactly like Cade Sydal but he's sort of Japanese so it's not that hard to tell which one is which. Keiji enters the ring and adjusts a few pads here and there before Davies calls for the bell.

Arn Anderson v Keiji Sydal

The match starts off quite boring as Keiji just continues to dropkick Arn while he's sleeping in the corner. When Arn finally wakes up 2 minutes later he lariats Keiji out of his boots, Keiji gets his head slammed against the canvas for our first awkward bump of the night. Arn yells some incoherent things as he picks Keiji up and whips him into the ropes hitting him with another massive drunken lariat as he attempts to kill Sydal's evil brother. Possibly because he called him gay backstage or he made fun of Robot. Robot may be a shitty gimmick but if you make fun of it Arn will rape you in the shower. Which reminds me that we should sign JBL.

Arn continues his drunken assault for around 6 minutes before finally hitting a drunken spinebuster and covering Keiji for the easy win.

WINNER: Arn Anderson, Drunken Spinebuster at 8:21 (21 C, 80 M, 50 O)

Kou: The legendary Arn Anderson destroys his opponent in the first match of TWW, His drun...wrestling abilities were superb in that match as he seemed to roll back the years with that Spinebuster finish. Strolling into the Semis is Arn as Keiji is drug out of the ring.

"Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin plays on the large boom box we taped to the wall as Le Viking, The greatest french Viking ever, Walks out from backstage. He looks extremely cocky tonight with his plastic Viking hat and plastic Viking sword painted in his french colors.

Viking rolls under the bottom rope and grabs the bullhorn (Our microphones are being bought on E-Bay as we speak)

Le Viking: Bonjour you American peegs!

The cat hisses as the three teens who paid tonight are currently occupied with the keg they brought.

Viking raises an eyebrow but continues his attack on America

Le Viking: I, Le Viking, have come from ze great french north to pillage and rape your wrestlers!

Kou: Remind me to keep Le Viking out of the shower.

Le Viking: I plan to win the TWW Heavyweight Title and then sell it for smokes! Because I import them from Quebec and that costs a shiteload of money let me tell you what.

Snuuuuuugllesss, The wondar beaaarrr!

Kou: And here comes Snuggles the Wonder Bear! Even though he has no affiliation with America I'm pretty sure he's against the rape part of Viking's speech and is ready to unleash his snuggly softness on Le Viking.

Le Viking v Snuggles the Wonder Bear

Snuggles who is a man inside a cute bear suit we've rented (But don't ruin the illusion for Cade, He thinks it's a bear) dances and plays to the crowd that he's so huggable. In fact after the bell rings Snuggles gives Viking an immobilizing hug which sends Viking to the mat and he rolls out of the ring to gather himself.

Or so we all thought as he stood outside the ring and lit up a Player's Light cigarette and puffs away. Snuggles just stands in the ring and keeps dancing around as Davies counts Viking out.

Of course it takes Viking more then 10 seconds for a smoke break and therefore Snuggles moves on to the Semis.

Winner:Snuggles the Wonder Bear, Countout at 0:13 (5 C, 37 M, 21 0)

Kou: Well obviously Snuggles knocked Viking out with that devastating hug at the start of the match and he couldn't shake out the cobwebs before the count of 10, Snuggles will face Arn Anderson in the semi finals.

Dragon Jones runs out to the ring and grabs the bullhorn.

Dragon Jones: Ummmmm...Mr. Kou?

Kou(yelling): Yes Dragon?

Dragon Jones Mr. Snoreton accidentally drank some Nyquil and he passed out on top of Keiji.

Kou: Oh sweet fuck...Well um....Oh shit were rolling? Oh mother off...Um...Yes! I know this and we're DQing Blandy for not making his match and you go to the semi finals Dragon.

Dragon Jones: YAAAAYS!

He runs out of the ring like a happy little monkey, running back into the house so they can pull Keiji out from under Blandy. Robot comes out moments after and, of course, begins walking like a robot to the ring. He takes about three minutes to get into the ring since he can barely see in the first place. His opponent, Jimmy Hoffa's Dead Body, is already in the ring.

Robot v Jimmy Hoffa's Dead Body

Robot starts off the match quickly by tripping over his feet and landing on his back, A strong breeze knows Hoffa down on Robot and Davies makes the count. 1....2....KICKOUT! ROBOT KICKED OUT! Robot uses the ropes to get himself back up as Hoffa lies motionless on the mat. Robot obviously used his massive robotic strength while kicking out from underneath the weight of Jimmy and now Jimmy has multiple shattered bones.

Or it could be the fact that Hoffa is a blow up doll. Robot continues to stumble around the ring, still not used to the Robot outfit Arn made for him. Finally he gets the helmet on right and picks up Hoffa for a double arm DDT which emits a squeaking noise from Jimmy. Robot rolls him over and covers him getting the win.

WINNER: Robot, Double Arm DDT at 3:10 (4 C, 38 M, 21 O)

Kou: Jimmy Hoffa put up a good fight there but the robotic marvel that is Robot was just too much for the dead mobster. Rolling right along we've got Incredibly Black Man versus Moldberg.

The two combatants come to the ring quickly and do the usual big man taunts. Except ones a rudo and the other face.

Incredibly Black Man v Moldberg

Davies rings the bell (See: Handbell he keeps in his back pocket) and the match starts. Both men stare each other down in the middle of the ring before IBM hits Moldberg with a clubbering right hand. If Dusty Rhodes were here he'd be having a heart attack shouting they be clubberin', But I'm not that kind of commentator so fleck off. Moldberg takes the shot and stumbles into the ropes where IBM waits for him to shoot off and hits a very nice shoulder block to take the bald one to the mat. IBM makes a few general black man taunts, You know. I just dug myself into a hole with the whole black man taunts thing didn't I?

IBM bounces off the ropes and hits a nice slow elbow drop into Moldberg's chest, Seems the Moldy one cannot get anything going against IBM and just takes more punishment for a few minutes before reversing an Irish Whip and hitting IBM with a vicious looking powerslam. Moldberg sets up for the spear and JAYSUS HE SNAPPED HIM IN TWOOOO. Well not really but Moldberg rolls him up tight and gets the 3.

WINNER:Moldberg, Spear at 6:43 (8 C, 49 M, 28 O)

Kou: Mr. Man impresses with some early offense but Moldberg just cannot be beaten by conventional wrestling moves. Sort of like Keith Richards and conventional weapons. Anyways, The match no one has been waiting for, Angrrrry Soffa versus Cade Sydal.

Angrrrry Soffa v Cade Sydal

Cade comes out to "Anxiety" by Black Eyed Peas and Papa Roach and waits in the ring as two random people carry Soffa out to the ring to Rammstien's 'Du Has'. They finally get the couch into the ring and Davies rings the handbell.

Immediately Cade hits the couch with a huge lariat that tips the sofa over onto it's back, Davies checks to see if Soffa is okay as Cade slaps a headlock onto Angrrrry. Davies lifts the side skirt of Soffa, once. No movement. Twice, No movement. Thrice! No movement! Davies calls for the bell as Soffa is unconscious!

WINNER: Cade Sydal, Headlock at Whenever sounds right for a man v couch battle (10 C (They LOVED Soffa, Clearly he's going to be a star) 50 M, 30 O)

Kou: It looks like Angrrry couldn't cut it tonight, Maybe next time! But for now Cade Sydal is our victor and he'll move onto the semi finals. First up in our Semi Final matches, Arn Anderson v Snuggles the Wonder Bear. I'm going to go call the ambulance now.

Arn Anderson v Snuggles the Wonder Bear

Run Through the Jungle hits again as Arn stumbles out of the curtain and crashes into a table with the boom box. I'm not paying for that dammit. Once again Davies is forced to basically drag Arn into the ring which is quite impressive since Arn is a big man and well, Davies is not. Oh sweet fuck no...Arn has the bullhorn.

Arn Anderson: BRING ON THE FLUFFBAWWWLLL.....Raaarrrrr....Heh...raaaarrr.

Kou: Oohhhkay. Apparently we've run out of booze and we're now feeding Arn turp n' tine.

Snuuuggllllessss, The Wondar Beeaaarrr!

Snuggles prances out to his custom music that Dragon Jones made in a high pitched tone and a electronic keyboard, So you know it's class. He dances around the ring a few times as Arn takes a breather from that massive speech he just let out. Snuggles finally rolls into the ring where he's greeted with a elbow to the back of the head~! Davies rings the bell and this barnburner is under way! Arn continues to make fun of Snuggles' manhood as he sits down obviously unaware of where he is. When he finally does stand he accidentally mistakes a man in a teddy bear costume for referee Sean Davies and pretty much kills our poor ref with a signature drunken Lariat. Which sends Davies into a broken heap onto the canvas. Arn realizes his mistake and throws up the four horseman sign with a hearty 'Raaaaar' to celebrate. Snuggles finally drags his lazy ass up and attempts a double axe handle to the back of Arn's head which Anderson no sells. Arn turns and grabs Snuggles into a headlock before dropping him directly onto Davies with a DDT hurting both men quite a bit.

Arn continues his drunk four horseman taunts before rolling out of the ring and stealing the crowd's keg which incites the biggest heat of the night as Arn Anderson now sits in the middle of a wrestling ring with two dead men and a keg which he is currently drinking like a can of beer. After Arn is done he simply leaves the ring and goes backstage, I'm just going to give him the win.

WINNER: Arn Anderson, Kou's scared shitless if he doesn't give him the win at 6:01 (17 C, 48 M, 30 O. Snuggles didn't sell very well because he was probably dead and I suppose that hurt the match rating but no one else was horribly injured so I guess it balances out)

Kou: Well um...Arn is in the finals and I think we lost a few members of TWW staff. If you'd like to work for TWW please call Kou J Kouerson at 911-9111. Yes that's a real number so go suck my giant peni...Dragon Jones v Robot, Next!

Dragon Jones v Robot

Snuggles was dragged to the back by handy TWW monkey...Actually we haven't named the little scamp so we'll call him The TWW Monkey. Makes you think if he'll be used in angles or not but who knows, It's a big backyard diary with big backyard diary angles. If that isn't a large hint to his rising in TWW then you're all retarded and ugly. Especially ugly.

Dragon Jones runs out to the ring before we have time to hit play on his entrance song so it shall remain a mystery for now. (MYSTERY~!) He grabs the bullhorn to probably berate the cat in the crowd for running interference on him while he was attempting to sleep in a litter box.

Dragon Jones: (Very Quiet) Robot! You are my sworn enemy and for that I shall defeat you!

Audicene Member with nice Slacks: You have it turned the wrong way Douchepants.

Dragon Jones: (quiet) Oh! (Unnecessarily Loud) SO! ROBOT! YOU ARE MY SWORN ENEMY, YOU DEFEATED MY FATHER OR SOME NONSENSE LIKE THAT! I SHALL DEFEAT YOU ON MY ROAD TO THAT SHINY BELT BUCKLE MR. MCFARL...KOU CALLED THE TOM WAITS WRESTLING WORD CHAMPIONSHIP, AND SINCE I ENJOY MAKING LONG RUN ON SENTANCES, KILL FLANDERS KILL FLANDERS KILL FLANDERS.

Domo Arigato hits and the magnificent robotic specimen that is Robot struts to the ring. Probably because his movement is only limited to strutting. Dragon plays to the crowd by pointing down Robot but it seems that he needs some contact lenses since he points at referee Sean Davies. Poor Sean Davies, He's still passed out from being raped by Arn but still, You have to feel bad for him. I mean I'm only paying him about five Oreo cookies.

Robot climbs into the ring and since Davies cannot start the match Dragon bends down and rings the handbell to get this match underway~! BUT WAIT! ARN ANDERSON IS COMING TO THE RING! HE APPARENTLY WISHES TO REF!

That really didn't need to be hyped like that but it got you excited, Arn rolls into the ring and rips the shirt off of Davies' back. Arn sloppily puts it over himself and looks at the two combatants before yelling "LET'S GET IT ON!" and slumping to the corner. Dragon immediately punches Robot in the midsection which cripples our robot friend. Dragon hits the ropes and zOMG! AXE KICK! I thought only Incredibly Black Man was aloud to do the Axe Kick. Cause you see...Alot of African-American Wrestlers use the Axe Kick. Cause you s....IBM is going to beat the shit out of me isn't he?

Jones goes for the quick pin but Arn refuses to make the count, Probably because Robot is his boy, For real yo'z. Jones stands and rubs his chin attempting to think up a good way to trick Arn into making the count. A lightbulb pops in his head and he snatches Robot's helmet and puts it on. Arn is currently mixing a Martini so he doesn't notice. Dragon picks up Robot and puts him into a facelock and then a quick snap suplex, Spilling Arn's Martini! Arn turns enraged and see's the man without a robotic helmet and pounces! Robot gets whipped to the ropes and SPIIIIIINNNEEEBUSTTAAAHHHHH. Arn taunts him before Dragon Jones robot walks into a robot like pin for the 1-2-3.

WINNER: Dragon Jones, Using Arn as a pawn. 5:32. (12 C, 60 M, 36 O. 1 spilled Martini, Shaken not Stirred.)

So now we have a liquor stained canvas, Arn Anderson as a ref and Dragon Jones in the finals. Fan-fucking-tastic. Up next we have the only experienced wrestler (I say that since Arn's a raging alcoholic) 'Cunning' Cade Sydal (You can use that if you like Cade >_>) vs. 'Ripped off Gimmick' Moldberg.

Cade Sydal v Moldberg

Cade enters the ring just after Arn slaps Davies to consciousness, Mr. Hard Nippled Ref stands and pats down Cade. Probably checking for weapons but I'm going to assume our referee is just a flaming homosexual and enjoys copping feels. I mean look at that hair? What straight man dyes their hair skin colo...Oh he's bald. That would make sense.

Moldberg comes down to TWW Monkey holding sparklers near his face. Tough motherfucker isn't he?

He does the signature Goldberg taunts and enters the ring. Let's give you a better look at Moldberg. He's Golberg but more of a skinny Jewish man then Golberg was a big Jewish man. If Golberg was Jewish at all.

Davies hits the bell and the match is under way, Cade and Moldberg trade holds and slaps for a good four minutes before Cade finally gets the upper hand with a very nice Snapmare to Sleeper combo. Cade squeezes Mold for a good while before he lets go and picks him back up quickly hitting a stiff looking brainbuster DDT on him. Moldberg, Not being a trained professional bumps it badly and looks to be knocked out. So Cade hits a Nightcap on him and gets the easy pin. Moldberg = Pussy.

WINNER:Cade Sydal, Nightcap at 7:02. (12 C, 56 M (Yes folks, A Dragon Jones/Robot match was better. Cade's getting a beating later) 34 O)

Kou: And so the finals are set, Arn Anderson v Dragon Jones v Cade 'Simmering Stallion' Sydal. Who shall become the first ever heavyweight champion? Well since it's happening right now you won't have to wait long to figure out just who that person is. My money is on Dragon Jones since he's wrestled the least tonight. Thus he's like a fresh little minx. And since I think the ring is cleaned of any dead wrestlers so let's get this party started.....In here...Hey-yay.

Arn Anderson v Dragon Jones v Cade Sydal, For the TWW Heavyweight Title......IN A STEEL CAGE~~~~!!!!

Cade is already in the ring so he just looked around as the old school blue cage descended onto the sexy Black and Silver TWW ring. Moments after it did encapsulating Mr. Jones, Sean Davies opened up the door so Arn and Jones may enter.

Run through the Jungle played for the 60th time tonight as TWW Monkey brought out Arn Anderson in a wheelbarrow, Davies and Monkey helped drag him into the ring and Cade propped him up in a corner. Davies introduced Cade and Arn as Dragon ran down too fast again and his music was not able to be played.

Davies sealed the door and ringed the TWW handbell to get this "historic" match off!

Sadly, The world exploded at that very minute from too many fatties.

The end.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Kou

Guest Kou

Posted
Posted (edited)

Grey blobs. All I can see are blurry grey blobs. I think I've been devoured by a gelatinous cube or some similar D&D monster. Naw Kou, It can't be that, Gelatinous cubes are acidic and you'd be dead by now. Okay you're waking up and you're groggy and you're fighting yourself about if you're in a non-existing monster? Lameass. I swear one of these days I'm just leaving and you'll be reduced to slobbering all over everything and repeating your name over and over. Which may or may not get you into a successful rock band.

"Sir...Uh..Sir! He's waking up!"

"What are you talking about? He's not supposed to wake up for...At least 10 more days...Well better give him some mo....."

Shit...Couldn't hear what was said. Give me what? It better be jazz music and hot ladies or I...Owww. Who just stuck a needle in my ass. That's not very nice, We haven't...haven't even.....

"Sir, The subject has been sedated. He will awake in 10 days."

"Excellent. His body still needs time to recover and then he can awake. Now let us depart for some dipper."

Edited by Kou
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