King Ellis' Christmas Movie Thing

[King Ellis]

Halloween Hangover

Just when you thought it was safe to enter the Movies & TV forum...

No, not something you get from the Stephen King drinking game (that's more likely to earn you a trip to the coroner than the doctor) but moreso a problem I've been having with this string of movie sequels I've been watching, outside of just 'well, that was boring' or 'why does this even need to exist?' I mean. Every time I'd look up something to watch, I'd it slap bang in the middle of a trilogy, quadrilogy or even worse. It would almost put me off some movies as I would feel compelled to watch the remaining films. I just don't like being so close to the end of some of these franchises and leaving them undone (He says whilst working through the eight part Halloween series at the agonizing pace of one per year). Next year I want to get back to watching more sort of stand alone stuff for the first time so doing it then is out of the question. Though, I would like to keep up this whole writing thing until I do the 12 Days of Christmas Movies in December so...Halloween Hangover!

Updates wont be every day, Lord knows that becomes a hell of a chore, but I imagine every other day I will be watching something to try and wrap up it's series. Basket Case 3, Beyond Re-Animator, Creepshow 3, Lost Boys: The Thirst...

Of course, I'll need to draw the line somewhere because some of these movies pump out sequels like it's going out of style, Children of the Corn is certainly guilty of that. But then you have something like George Romero's 'Living Dead' which has so many sequels, remakes and spin offs that it makes my head spin.

As for how to open it? Well, even though I wont be able to watch it in glorious Blu-Ray HD like the first two, how about the final appearance of KARLOFF as the famous monster in the Frankenstein series, Son of Frankenstein?

Though, this is arguably cheating as there's Ghost of Frankenstein after this and then all manner of ensemble films with the Monster, Dracula and the Wolf Man but shhhhh.

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

The madness! It never ends!

[King Ellis]

#1

Son of Frankenstein

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By the mid 1930's Universal had weened themselves off the whole horror thing but a re-release of Dracula and Frankenstein as a double bill in 1938 proved to be very successful, prompting the production of another Frankenstein movie.

Released in 1939, much has changed in the 4 years since Bride of Frankenstein, including, sadly, the passing of Colin Clive in 1937. Thus, we have the son of Dr. Frankenstein, Wolf (played by Basil Rathbone), coming to claim the title of Baron after the passing of his father, only to find the locals aren't happy with his arrival. KARLOFF returns as The Monster for what would prove to be the final time, at least on the big screen. Directing duties are this time handled by Rowland V. Lee, who would also direct both Rathbone and KARLOFF that same year in Tower of London. The movie itself is also much longer than it's predecessors, coming in at almost one hour and forty minutes.

Perhaps most interesting though is Bela Lugosi finally making an appearance in a Frankenstein film as Ygor.

"It's pronounced 'eye-gore'."

The new Baron von Frankenstein arrives at his family home and faces much hostility from the townsfolk. To think, they were all there to celebrate his fathers wedding all those years ago but now they curse the very name of 'Frankenstein' after the numerous tragedies that have befallen them thanks to The Monster. There's even a reference to the whole confusing the name of the doctor with the monster on the train ride over.

A wagon of the family's belongings go by and the people respond by throwing rocks and dirt and shaking their fists angrily in it's general direction.

Castle Frankenstein itself is looking rather creepy, with all the shadows thrown across the floor and walls. I can't imagine wanting to live in that thing come winter time, it must be freezing. Most of the doors look like they're about twelve feet high and the ceilings are even higher.

You know what they say about big doors though, huge knockers.

Not everyone is out to get the newcomers though, Inspector Krogh arrives to reassure the Baron that he'll be looking out for them. He is a little distracting at first though as he has a prosthetic arm that he has to forcibly move by either using his other arm or violently turning his body. He shares a tale of how he came to be this way, a horrible story of The Monster invading his family home one night when he was barely a boy, throwing his father across the room before it set upon him, tearing his arm off.

Whilst Frankenstein is surveying his grounds in the light of day, he is met by Ygor in the remains of the lab. Ygor is a strange fellow, once sentenced to hang until dead for grave robbing but somehow he managed to survive, now living his life with a broken neck, his head tilted to one side, making him look rather coy. With his shaggy appearance, wicked smile, gravelly voice and disjointed English, he's rather unsettling.

Ygor shows Frankenstein the famous monster that he's heard so much about. He's a lot like Michael Myers, I guess, it's hard to keep him down. He survived the events of Bride but some time later he was struck by a bolt of lightning, the 1.21 gigawatts sending him into a semi-comatose state. When Ygor requests that Frankenstein helps restore him, the Baron is reluctant at first but he is curious about his Father's work and sees a chance to help restore his families name by somehow taming the beast. It's a little odd seeing The Monster in a furry vest though.

And the monster is a bit of a disappointment this time around. After the developments of the last film, him learning to talk and becoming more human, he's now back to being a lumbering mute, a weapon for Ygor to use to sic upon the people who condemned him to death.

It's Ygor and The Monster who are responsible for a series of mysterious deaths that have plagued the town, leaving many worried that The Monster has somehow returned and that the arrival of another Frankenstein might only make things worse. Ygor has been using The Monster to slowly pick off the eight jurors that gave that guilty verdict, now only two remain.

When Ygor is spotted around the Frankenstein estate, he's dragged in for questioning, with everyone wondering what they're getting up to but he doesn't reveal much. One of the group threatens that he'll be hung again if he doesn't start giving them some answers, before they seem to stumble upon some form of 'double jeopardy' revelation that they can't really hang him again, leaving him to scoff at the six dead jurors and make thinly veiled threats at the remaining two. It all comes off a bit stupid on their part. "Don't be getting up to no funny business or we'll hang you again! Well, technically we can't but...erm...we'll be watching!"

More bodies start turning up, prompting everyone to storm Castle Frankenstein, pitch forks in hand. Things start breaking down into a sort of triangle of trouble between Frankenstein, Krogh, and Ygor. Krogh knows full well what's going on but can't prove it, Frankenstein is playing dumb and getting more and more agitated at the mob outside and the pestering policeman inside and Ygor holds the power with his control of the monster but Frankenstein is powerless to stop it.

Again, this is a bit disappointing in terms of The Monster after such a stellar showing in Bride, so full of emotion and expression, he's now back to being rather subdued and there's only one or two moments in which he's able to be anything other than a brute. Still, it's always fun to see Lugosi and Karloff share the screen together and the ongoing butting of heads between all three sides in this battle is entertaining, as Frankenstein's good intentions turn sour and he just keeps running into all the same traps his father did.

And, hey, he gets to play hero when he dropkicks The Monster into a sulphur pit!

[King Ellis]

#2

Creepshow III

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Almost twenty years after Creepshow 2 comes this, an 'unofficial sequel' with no involvement from the likes of Stephen King or George A. Romero. Whereas the Creepshow 1 and 2 and Cat's Eye had stand alone stories or very tenuous links, this has much more of a shared universe, with characters popping up in again and again and lots of locations are revisited.

Like it's predecessors, we're treated to an animated bookend to open proceedings and at first glance, it looks like it could be quite interesting. It has a striking visual style with it's weird colour scheme but the animation is pretty horrible. It turns very cartoony, with all manner of Hannah Barbera style sound effects. I suppose that does set the tone for the rest of the film though, we can get rather campy at times.

Alice

Our first proper story is one of your typical teenage girl, Alice, annoyed with everything. Her neighbourhood is full of weirdos, her brother listens in on her phone conversations and her grandmother says she'll never find a husband because has no ass.

She just up and says it out of nowhere, it's hilarious!

Her father, meanwhile, is fiddling around with a universal remote that he bought from a street vendor. Unfortunately for Alice, when he presses the button for controlling the colour...

She finds herself transported to some alternate universe where her family is African American. The whole family goes through the same script again, including Granny commenting on her granddaughters lack of an ass. And you thought your white granny gave you shit for having no ass! Quite why she's the only one that stays normal whilst the world changes around her, I have no idea. Well, I say she stays normal...

After a few more jumps, she finds herself growing increasingly disfigured, her leg, hand and face seeping puss and becoming a horrible mess. She takes this surprisingly well, whilst trying to seek help from her 'creepy' Professor neighbour, she goes into his house and seems more occupied in munching on the nibbles he has laid out, swigging his booze and demolishing his wedding cake.

She goes through a brightly shining doorway and it turns out to be the leap home she's been looking for. Sadly, one more button press and she ends up looking like something out of Resident Evil, terrifying her onlooking family who don't even recognize her.

Mom screams at Dad to shoot the grotesque monster, promptly him to fiddle around with a pistol like he's never held the damn thing before, which wouldn't be so bad if he'd bought it hastily for home protection or something. But no, he's a cop! You're supposed to be trained with the damn thing!

But, don't shoot! It's just the Professor with a cute little bunny called Alice! Well, isn't this reference all too obvious? Seemed he was able to turn rotting girl Alice into a rabbit with his own special remote control. OK. Well, at least the family quickly forgot they even had a daughter!

This one is kinda weird, normally these stories are about someone getting their comeuppance in a twisted way but Alice isn't really guilty of anything other than being a bit annoying so it's all a bit harsh. The Professor is something of an important character throughout these stories so I suppose it does serve it's purpose in introducing him and showing off his 'technical wizardry'.

The Radio

Story Deux revolves around Jerry, a security guard with a costume so generic it makes me wonder what minor fraction it subtracted from the wardrobe budget. He lives in a shitty apartment complex, full of pimps, thieves and drug dealers. Very reclusive and slobbish, he just wants to come home and relax to the sounds of the radio but what do you know, his just broke.

He takes to the streets and manages to procure one from a group of ratty street vendors, amongst their wares is a remote control.

This is no ordinary radio though, it speaks to Jerry, in a rather seductive female voice to boot. It knows all about him and is able to convince Jerry to start improving himself. It's not long before it's like a really nagging girlfriend, making him tidy his apartment, dictating what food he eats and how he prepares it. Not so much mayo, you fat pig!

The radio is pretty smart too, it has life goals in mind for Jerry. Stocks, bonds, property! Diversify! But in order to get these things, Jerry's life is going to have to take a dark turn....

Things are a lot more slower paced here, with the blood and violence being toned down after the rotting corpse look of the previous story and certainly in comparison to some of the later ones. It certainly gives everything a lot more weight. I'd say this could possibly even been it's own movie but it's length seems adequate and it'd have to be padded out a lot to make it up to the average feature length.

Call Girl

Story three...story three might as well not even be here. Alice's story was relatively short, Jerry's went around 30 minutes but this one is only about 10 and doesn't really do much. Rachel is a hooker but when she finishes off a client, she really finishes them off, if you know what I mean.

Her actions have attracted the attention of the tabloids, dubbing her the 'Call Girl Killer'. When she receives a phone call from a nervous sounding teenager, she has money and murder in mind again.

But unbeknownst to her, this kid isn't everything he appears to be.

Again, this one really doesn't go anywhere outside of the usual 'comeuppance' angle, apart from trying to set up this kid as some sort of overarching villain for no real purpose. This actually hooked me right when it revealed the kid's own set of murder victims, leaving me how they could play this whole serial killer vs serial killer thing but it's all rather disappointing as it's wrapped up in a matter of moments. Just seems like a waste of potential given that it only serves to try and make this kid some overarching villain but that doesn't really go anywhere.

The Professor's Wife

Story four focuses on the Professor and his upcoming wedding, which was touched upon earlier. Two of the Professor's former students have been invited to the wedding and they pop in to his house to meet the bride to be. She's quite the host, she just keeps on bringing them plate after plate of hors d'oeuvre!

The Professor and his students reminisce of days gone by, back when he would play all sorts of humorous pranks on them, like exploding egg sandwiches, robotic snakes in the toilet and rigging their cars so he could control them remotely, wildly swerving them all over the road before making them crash. What a rascal! The guy playing the Professor just gets to ham it up and it's magnificent.

When the Professor has to step out for a moment, his students get to thinking, his bride-to-be is perfect...almost too perfect. There's definitely an air of the Stepford Wives about her, so, they're gonna find out just what's really going on here. And when they do, hoo boy!

How this whole thing just seems to change in a split second and the manner it does is just glorious.

The Haunted Dog

The final story centers around a Doctor (again with the goddamn doctors!) who is serving a setence in a local free clinic but he's just a real asshole. Arriving late, being racist, sexist and most other 'ists' you can think of and all the while being off his face on pills.

This is sort of the same idea as 'The Hitch-hiker' from Creepshow 2, as the Doc buys a hot dog for lunch, drops it, and rather than waste it, gives it to a homeless guy. Said homeless guy promptly dies after the first bite, I assumed at first because he choked but there's various hints towards it being tainted somehow so I'm not sure if this was somehow meant to be his comeuppance that he narrowly avoided. Either way, homeless guy returns to haunt his ass good.

He likes to frequent some sort of recurring party, hosted by the same guy in Rachel's story, and takes along a baggie fulls of pills for everyone to enjoy.

It turns out this party is just a front for VAMPIRES! Vampires that have apparently transcended mere fangs and have developed something of Mileena from Mortal Kombat style gnashers, but vampires all the same. And then we never see them again, hurray!

This one is passable, and I only say that because of the Doctor character, some of the interaction between him and his patients are amusing but the parts about the ghost and the vampires just seem completely tacked on.

- - -

This one doesn't seem to have been too favourably received, a whopping 2.7 on iMDB. I'm not entirely sure what the ratio is between 'BETRAYAL!' type criticisms and those judging it on it's own merits, but I certainly don't think it's that bad. Creepshow 2 has a rating of 5.6 but I enjoy this one much more. Sure, the acting and effects can be a bit crappy sometimes but it adds to the cheesiness and the stories are much more interesting.

Apparently there's a 4th Creepshow intended to reboot the franchise sitting in creative limbo and one episode of a failed web series out there. Well, some days you just can't get rid of a bomb.

[MalaCloudy Black]

Someday you should do Tales from the Darkside: The Movie. I can't remember if you have before or not.

[Monkey D. Lars]

Ellis, what are you putting yourself through!?

[King Ellis]

#3

Poltergeist III

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It's time to look at the conclusion to the Poltergeist series and one last morbid look at the so called 'Poltergeist Curse'.

Heather O'Rourke, the young girl who played Carol Anne in all three films and one of only two returning characters here, passed away shortly before release at only 12 years old following a misdiagnosed illness, leaving the studio in a bit of a quandary on how to proceed with promoting the film. Now that that's out of the way, let's proceed, shall we?

Cold. That seems to be the right word to describe this film. Not only for the fact that it's something of a plot point given a shift in setting from California to Chicago, no longer centered around a family home, now taking place entirely within some sort of super skyscraper, the John Hancock Center in real life, that is home to apartments, offices and shops.

The building is managed by Bruce Gardner, uncle of Carol Anne, who she has been sent to live with along with her Aunt Pat and Bruce's daughter from another marriage, Donna. That'd be some sort of step-cousin?

Carol Anne has been sent out to Chicago to attend a school for the 'gifted', a place with shrinks hiding behind two way looking glass to observe class. Pictured here is Dr. Seaton, who deals with Carol Anne and puts her under hypnosis to try and get to the bottom of some of her problems. This guy is just terrible. Not only in the sense that his opinion is that Carol Anne is making everything up and is so powerful that she's able to convince everyone, an entire neighbourhood in fact, that they have experienced some form of paranormal activity, but his delivery is really off. I'm not sure if it's just bad acting or characterisation that has him speak in this really condescending tone for the entire movie but it's pretty bad.

Not only is Carol Anne facing skepticism at school, her Aunt is highly dubious as well and thinks that her sister just dumped her kid on her. Bruce seems to think that his brother-in-law used Carol Anne as an excuse for the housing deal that went bad in the first film and even Donna displays the kind of typical teenage annoyance at having a younger kid around, not pleased at having to babysit. It's all a big change from the other films that really had that close-knit family atmosphere. In fact, when the shit hits the fan, Aunt Pat even proposes leaving Carol Anne to her fate and having her, Bruce and Donna take off. What a bitch!

That shit being the return of Kane, the insane preacher we thought banished by the end of the second movie, now apparently given power by the constant discussion of him at the behest of Dr. Seaton, and now able to track to Carol Anne. He spends the early part of the movie stalking Carol Anne in mirrors at her home and school and this becomes another big part of the film, the mirror being something of a short hand for 'the other side' and you'll often see all types of ghouls hiding in mirrors or reflections will play out that aren't really there. It's a lot more subtle than some of the more over the top effects of the first two movies but it's still pretty cool.

But never fear, Tangina is here! Sensing the danger Carol Anne is in, she hops on the first plane out and arrives just in time to save Bruce and Pat from a doppelganger, evil Carol Anne.

Unfortunately, whilst trying to coax Carol Anne out from the mirror, she's grabbed by the evil version and after a bright flash, ends up looking like she spent far too long under a sun bed.

But she's able to make two triumphant returns, first to pass on a necklace given to her by the shaman Taylor from II, in order to give Bruce and Pat strength to fight Kane, and again at the end to convince Kane that he doesn't need to keep Carol Anne and the rest of her family, she will lead Kane to the light.

Though, the film ends with lightning striking the building as Kane laughs, so how truly gone is he?

It seems the ending is a source of some contention, with the director claiming that this was always meant to be the original ending but had to be shot without Heather O'Rourke, whilst others maintain that it was re-shot in order to be more sensitive to O'Rourke following her passing.

Either way, it is very anti-climatic and whilst you can argue that Carol Anne always ends up on the other side in need of rescue, it just feels off here since she ends up out of the film for such large periods, leaving you with these unfamiliar characters who you don't care about as much, in lackluster set pieces such as Bruce and Pat being chased around a chilly car park by possessed cars. I didn't like the final showdown in II but at least there was a showdown, not just someone arriving to walk the main villain out of the movie.

Not to mention evil versions of Donna and her boyfriend that come back from the other side, push Dr. Seaton down a lift shaft and are promptly forgotten. I mean, fairplay to them for getting rid of that guy but it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense for them to be brought up and then forgotten. They don't even show Donna's boyfriend coming back from the other side with Donna and the others at the end!

So, all in all, not a great finale to the series. It does have some neat ideas and at least it does provide a change after it's fairly similar predecessors but you also have to deal with Donna's irrelevant love life, the stressful gallery opening and the preppy, honeymoon period love of Bruce and Pat.

Hollywood is at it again though and you can expect the reboot of Poltergeist reboot sometime in 2014. Let's just hope they don't have any real skeletons this time or else Sam Rockwell could meet an early grave.

[King Ellis]

Hello ho ho!

Ok, so admittedly the whole Halloween Hangover thing kind of died on it's arse but tomorrow is the first day of December and the countdown to Christmas is on! Well, for me at least. To your average store it started roughly in the middle of September or so but in my book, it's December 1st at the earliest!

Unlike October there wont be a movie every single day so it's one of those 'every other day' things that I will hopefully keep to this time. At the risk of almost entirely repeating myself from the last time I did this, you could call this the 12 Days of Christmas Movies. Except, I have a little unfinished business in that I never made good on my promise of making it a baker's dozen by writing about my annual Christmas Eve tradition, the adaptation of A Christmas Carol starring one Patrick Stewart. Now I have two things to make up for, busy busy busy!

I feel like I covered a lot of the biggest Christmas movies last year. I can't even really pull the whole 'sequel' thing again either since I already did the sequels of stuff like Home Alone, Die Hard and A Christmas Story, so in a way I'm a little unsure of quite what's going to make my list this year but I definitely have at least a few titles in mind.

Make sure to tune in tomorrow for my first entry, I can't wait to get started! Christmas is going to be awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwesooooooooooooome!

[King Ellis]

Day 1

Christmas Bounty

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Chances are if you're reading this then you know me and know that wrestling is a keen interest of mine. If you don't know me then for starters I'm genuinely curious as to how you got here and you might have picked it up anyway from the various references I've made previously. Anyway, whilst I was left wondering just what I was going to be watching with December fast approaching, those goddamn juggernauts of professional wrestling, the WWE, delivered unto me this made for TV special when they started plugging it on Monday Night RAW. Being the ever evolving business that they are, they find themselves with many fingers in many different pies, one of them being the movie business. What started as modest successes on the big screen trickled down to straight to DVD releases with extremely limited theater runs, including a paltry $1,000 domestic haul for Paul 'The Big Show' Wight vehicle Knucklehead. Though,things have turned around recently thanks to 'The Call', starring Halle Berry and everyone's favourite Twinky shopper, David Otunga.

Now we have reality TV star turned former WWE Champion 'The Miz' flexing his thespian muscles. Miz of course being no stranger to movies, with a 'blink and you'll miss it' extra cameo in The Campaign after his other scene was left on the cutting room floor. Come on man, even Taryn Tarrell got more screen time in that flick than you! Admittedly he did have a starring role in WWE picture 'The Marine 3', but even that was only because Randy Orton was unceremoniously booted off due his negative past in the Marines. There's also a French wrestling film that translates to "Queens of the Ring" which WWE Studios has some part in now, in which apparently he and others such as CM Punk and Eve Torres make cameos in. I have no idea about all that though, I'm just glad it isn't Chyna's Queen of the Ring.

Let's get down to business, Christmas Bounty. The tale of Tory Bell, a Jersey girl moved to a more reputable part of town, hooked up with some sort of investment banker and with a cushy school teaching job.

But there's more than meets the eye to Tory when one of her students goes missing during a Christmas party and she spots him being hurried into a car outside. Naturally, she steps out of an upstairs window and launches herself onto the roof of the car. Turns out it's just a minor misunderstanding, the car is being driven by the boy's father but he's separated from his wife and doesn't have visitation rights, he just wants to be with his boy on Christmas! Still, a little hardcore for a primary school teacher, right? And in high heels too!

When she gets an unwanted phone call informing her that some trouble from her previous life is rearing it's ugly head, she's forced to skip out on meeting her boyfriend's family and return home to her own, who we learn are all bounty hunters! Well, all would consist of her mum and dad but not quite her cousin 'Bones' who seems to sit around and play the nerdlinger type to this whole Jersey Shore meets Dog the Bounty Hunter scenario. I just find it weird that you've got this Latina looking girl being the offspring of some Guido and a second rate Stiffler's mom. Indeed, our leading lady Francia Raisa is apparently of Honduran and Mexican descent so I have no idea what's going on here. Anyway, a bounty that Tory captured some years ago is back on the streets and is out for revenge so the old bounty hunting band is getting back together. Unbeknownst to Tory, that includes her old flame...

Mike, aka The Miz! Mike of course being The Miz's real name too so that's slightly odd. Mom, dad, Tory and Mike all work together to help track down our villain's sister so that they can plant a tracker on her. This involves some stealth takedowns on the guards so that Tory can infiltrate the beauty salon that she's visiting and do the deed. Daddy chloroforms one guy, mommy uses her womanly charms to lead one away from the scene and Miz is left to take down the final guard.

So, naturally, he starts a huge fist fight and pulls the ultimate stealth no no of attracting lots of attention to himself by throwing his target over a second floor guard rail. Oh Miz, can you never do anything right?!

Tory manages to place the tracker but all seems to have been an elaborate double bluff by the villain to alert his enemies to his location and lead them right into a trap. A trap that seems to consist of him eating a lobster dinner in a dingy warehouse, under a spotlight, with one heavyset guard peering out from a nearby doorway. Was that really your whole plan? The only reason he evens get the upper hand in this situation is because Tory's boyfriend tracks her down and inadvertently blows the whole scheme thanks to an app he installed on their phones to allow them to know each others location. Wow, clingy much?

I will say this for The Miz, he seems to be the only one in this movie who proves to be a capable marksman. Out of the various shootouts that occur, he's the only on who manages to hit anybody, bagging two people in this scene, including a rather bizarre moment when he's told he has someone at '12 o'clock', shoots directly overhead and scores a direct hit. Was that guy just suspended from the ceiling or something?!

We're then treated to some 'meet the family' scenes in which they try to play down the whole bounty hunter thing after Tory's boyfriend, James, wakes up from being knocked out during the previous shootout. James even proposes and everyone heads out on the town to celebrate, with James being the real fish out of water but plays nice with Mike even after learning that he and Tory used to have a thing. Mike immediately hits on his ex and even tries to kiss her, what a dick!

After being fobbed out with an excuse of the family going out to 'pick up a Christmas tree', James and Bones grow restless of being left at home, after all, this is the family Christmas tree, everyone should be there! Of course, they promptly walk straight into a gun fight and James gets himself kidnapped. Oops!

The family plots on how they're going to get James back when they have the sudden realistation that 'Big Donna' is about to have a big fat Jersey wedding in the villains warehouse. Real glamorous, lady.

Much to the glee of mom and dad, it's like every mobster in town is on the guest list and they all have a price on their heads. Better yet, the bride to be has mandated that there be no guns and no business on her special day so all firearms are checked at the door and all these bounties will be utterly defenseless. Jackpot!

Tory tracks down her man but one of the villain's henchmen emerges with James ensuring she plays nice. Just as they're being marched out of the building, Miz leaps heroically from the roof and takes everybody down. The villain slips away but Tory steals the wedding car from inside and manages to chase him down, even if it meant having to let all those bounties escape.

I'm surprised they didn't just do that in the first place, sure there's two people with guns but there's like fifty of you!

Our two lovebirds reconnect and though James feels a little slighted by all the sudden revelations over the past few days and the kidnapping, he feels he's ready to give this engagement a shot and get to know the real Tory.

But, you can take the girl out of Jersey but you can't take Jersey out of the girl, she ditches her fiancee, and leaps from a nearby cop car in order to stop Mike before he leaves. Look, bounty hunter or not, I'm pretty sure that's criminal damage. It's not even like he was that far away, you're just being overly dramatic.

Mike wonders why the hell this crazy broad just jumped on his roof before Tory leaps into his arms and the two share a loving embrace. Fool! You want to go back to slumming it with The Miz? To borrow a phrase, really? Really?!

Like Die Hard, Christmas just really serves as window dressing for this whole story. I guess you could say it shares a similar theme to other Christmas movies in that whole 'being together as a family' thing but it reaches that conclusion on it's own rather than some contrived reason involving the holidays. Even if this is a fairly standard story, albeit transplanted into a Christmas setting, at least you have a female heroine to shake things up, even if she has to literally kick ass because she sucks with a pistol. In the end, it's passable. It could stand to be funnier, with the only humorous moment for me being when shit hits the fan at the wedding and every goon in the room instinctively reaches for his gun only to remember they already checked them at the door. Whoops! On the acting front, I think Raisa does a pretty good job and even Miz is OK because really he's just playing The Miz again in his usual low rent, suave, smooth talking way. Heck, we even have a rather catchy, if not entirely mundane Christmas ditty to open and close proceedings. I mean, a chorus of "We're gonna have a happy Christmas" repeated over and over again isn't the most creative thing in the world.

Though, am I the only one that pictures 'Christmas Bounty' as some sort of cranberry infused coconut chocolate bar or some very festive paper towels?

[Sousa]

It's the quicker Christmas picker-upper!

[King Ellis]

Day 2

Silent Night

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Whilst I can appreciate that the prospect of watching The Miz at all, let alone in a movie, might fill some of you with terror, I wanted to turn to some more conventional horror before I started on the more whimsical stuff. So, whilst I was thinking up some possible movies to watch for this years run, one of them popped up in a similar vein to Scanners during Halloween 2012. Thanks to the power of the internet, I'd come to know one small segment of the movie without any real context behind it. That's also the case for a certain clip from Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

I was kind of umming and ahhing over whether to watch it or not, mainly because being the kind of obsessive guy that I am, I'd want to the first beforehand. God knows, horror films are known for their vital plot points built up over many sequels! I'd decided to put it off for the moment after learning of this film, starring Malcolm McDowell and that one guy from Grounded for Life. It never even crossed my mind that they might share a connection, despite this one sharing half of the others name. Only after viewing it has it come to my attention that it is in fact a very loose remake of the 1984 Silent Night, Deadly Night. Me and my coincidences, eh?

Anywhoo, we start with your standard, moody shots of an abandoned house with closeups of a weird looking guy and the faint sound of screaming in the background. At least, that which can be heard over the jolly soundtrack of 'Up on the House Top'. Seems this guy is getting prepared for the annual parade in Cryer, Wisconsin and is dressing up as old St Nick. Albeit, a rather demented looking one, complete with a weird mask with a beard stuck to it.

He's got something stashed away in his basement and it's not an army of elves to help build toys for all the little boys and girls. No, it's an adulterer he's got tied to a chair by Christmas lights. The man pleads for his life but Santa's checked his list twice and this guy has been very, very naughty. So, with the push of a button, Santa fills him with about 40,000 volts of Christmas cheer. I have to say, whilst very festive, this is a bit of a let down for the big opening scene. No blood, no decapitations...just a man getting slightly crispy.

We quickly meet our cast of characters, including McDowell as the town sheriff, Jaime King as troubled cop Aubrey Bradimore and Mayor who's fretting over the big parade in town, election year and his scantily clad daughter. Then there's this little bundle of joy, she's like Dakota Fanning mixed with Eric Cartman. She slaps her mothers heart pills right out of her hand and demands to be taken to the mall immediately. When her mother suggests that they might spend time in church instead, her daughter proclaims 'fuck church.' Lovely.

But that's a very big no-no in Santa's book, kinda surprising he'd be so up on the whole religion thing since the two of them don't normally get along. I guess they don't like it when you usurp their holiday, become something of a false idol and twist their messages of goodwill to all men into money making machine fueled by corporate greed. He knocks at her door and pulls out a cattle prod, to which she utters "I didn't ask for that." which was kind of hilarious.

Aubrey is called in by her boss as one of her co-workers is curiously absent. She wasn't even supposed to be there today, it's her first Christmas alone since her husband/boyfriend died. Seeking solace in church, the priest reminds her that God is always there for her and so is he. He'd do anything for her. Anything. Anything...

Ah, they're playing the 2001 Italian movie, Merry Christmas. A little more niche than I'd expected for a small town cinema but good for them, supporting the little guy.

Aubrey finds herself in a run in with a different Santa, played by Donal Logue, who's trolling all the little kiddies by telling them that their parents will probably end up putting their gifts up on eBay and that they shouldn't be trusted. Definitely a bad Santa. Hey, that reminds me...

There's also a weird scene in which the boyfriend of the Mayor's skanky daughter is visiting his catatonic grandfather who has barely moved in a year (yet still has plenty of cash in his wallet for junior to steal) but suddenly springs to life to deliver grave warnings of Christmas Eve being the scariest night of the year and that if he sees Santa tonight, he better run. Not just that, but it's delivered with a creepy, demonic reverb.

Meanwhile, Santa's at it again after busting up a porn shoot in a seedy motel, only for one of the girls to make her escape, leading to some humourous shots of Santa running through a car park in broad daylight with an axe.

The girl makes it to makeshift Christmas tree sales yard and as she passes a wood chipper, you don't need three guesses to work out her immediate future.

Holy shit, Santa's got a flamethrower now! This is actually the origin story of our Crazy Claus; A man sent over the edge during Christmas when his wife cheated on him, leading to him taking his revenge on her before visiting a new town every year to deal with sinners. This bit actually looks pretty cool in that Sin City sort of way, his red suit highlighted whilst the rest of the scene is washed out.

With a crazed psychopath on the loose dishing out punishment to the corrupt, you just knew that the Mayor was on the death clock. This is actually a good time to talk about McDowell's turn as the sheriff, which is rather wonderful. He spends the whole time acting like a big shot, talking about how he can 'smell' a nearby perp, how crime fighting sometimes becomes an instinct for him and constantly belittling Aubrey, but he's actually just a bit of a schmuck. None more so than here when he's on the phone to the mayor, only for the killer to strike and begin to strangle him. The sheriff is somehow oblivious to his struggle and interprets his gasps for air as shock at the revelation of a serial killer attacking their town. He just carries on, chatting away until he starts to realise that isn't getting a response so he concludes that the line is breaking up.

You know, I was a little harsh on this movie at first for it's lack of actual slashing despite being a slasher movie but it certainly does ramp up it's kills as it goes along, namely this Mortal Kombat esque head splitting of the boyfriend.

The Mayor's younger daughter though is very much innocent and gets a nice candy cane. Okay, a candy cane soaking in the blood of, presumably, her father and sister but hey, it's the thought that counts. I say she's innocent but she must be high on something because she's taking this whole meeting Santa thing rather well. "Hmmm, the white beard and red suit fit but I don't remember an axe from all the stories."

The cops think they've got their man in Bad Santa, locking him up and end up on the end of a speech about how shitty Christmas is, how people go off the deep end because of all the joy and laughter around them whilst they're left with nothing. "Where's my stocking full of gifts? Where's my Calvin Klein underwear? My cable TV? My replica Tim Tebow NFL jersey?" Actually, getting a Tebow shirt would probably leave you with your hands around the throat of whoever bought you it.

"A lump of...coal?!"

But, of course not, the real murder is still out there and Aubrey has started to piece together what's going on. A calling card of sorts in the form of presents have been left with intended victims, including her own parents and even the Sheriff. It's then that the lights are killed in Police HQ and the climax of the film is played out amidst a predominantly red filter, with the occasional spot of green. I suppose of all the colours they could pick, those ones are rather fitting but it's actually rather annoying and makes it harder to watch. Though, it does nothing to stop the Sheriff's killer one liner of "Big mistake, bringing a flamethrower to a gun fight!".

For as formulaic as this movie is, it's really not that bad and might be worth looking at if you want a little blood and guts this festive season. McDowell puts in a fun, hammy performance and whilst not every kill was a highlight, there were a few that made me wince. Plus, on the surface, a movie about a killer Santa does sound goofy but with how twisted you can make the whole 'naughty or nice' thing, I think it makes for a pretty interesting motivation.

Now I'm just left wondering when to fit in those other Silent Night films...

[King Ellis]

A day late due to the board outage. Also, I updated the OP with a list of last years entries should you wish to go read them.

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Day 3

Miracle on 34th Street

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I think I can sort of vaguely remember hearing about the 1994 remake of this movie at the time of it’s release or sometime after, but since the original came out in 1947, it’s safe to say it was more than a little before my time.

Things start off with Macy’s Annual Thanksgiving Parade, who are very pleased to have Santa as their guest. Being a filthy foreign type, this isn’t something I have too much experience with but I’ve seen the odd clip or two of it. The way I see it, they’re either planning to push the old ‘Santa is a big fat guy’ thing to extreme levels by turning him into a giant balloon, make him lip sync to something or he’s got a part in a new Broadway show that he’s out to shill.

What we actually find instead is a rather disheveled looking Santa, taking swigs from a bottle of booze in between failed attempts to crack his whip on his reindeer. When a good Samaritan steps forward to help with his whip problem, he can’t help but notice the stench on his breath and finds this highly inappropriate. A complaint is lodged immediately with the producer of the parade, Doris Walker, and drunk Santa is fired on the spot. I don’t know, getting a man fired? Hardly in the spirit of Christmas, now is it? And what would the kids say looking at all this?

"Santa sure is thirsty…"
"Oh no, he just collapsed!"
"Don’t worry, his elves are going to help him."
"Oh no, they’re grabbing him and stealing his pants!"

Watching on is the producer’s daughter, Susan, an obnoxiously posh little brat who seems to have been brought up in a bubble that such things as fantasy and imagination could not possibly enter. A little later in the film, she tells a story of her running into some of the other kids in the apartment building, playing a game where they pretend to be zoo animals. When questioned what kind of animal she is, she only replies “I am not an animal, I am a girl.”. Though she looks down her nose at the idea of him, she at least gives the Santa in the parade rather rave reviews. In fact, the whole parade route seem to be talking about him, even Mr Macy himself wants him in his store.

One suspects he might not be too thrilled though when Santa goes off message once the kids start sitting in his lap. Seems he doesn’t take too kindly to being told what toys to push, that just bastardizes the spirit of Chirstmas. Oh, he’ll still tell you to buy toys, but it might not always necessarily be at the store he’s supposed to be representing. Parents are naturally confused, yet interested. They’re falling over themselves to lavish praise upon this employee and Macy’s themselves for putting the happiness of their customers first.

Things go so well, in fact, that Mr Macy decides to run with this new way of doing business store wide. Even their local rivals, Gimbles, start getting in on the act and the whole thing garners much press attention, with our rent-a-Santa caught in the middle of a dick waving contest between the two stores as they try to out do each other. When Santa is given a Christmas bonus and indicates he intends on donating it to a Doctor friend of his so that he can afford a new x-ray machine, Macy and Gimble just throwing money at him so that they can join in on this philanthropy.

But not everyone loves Santa, thanks to a neighbour of Mrs Walker, “Fred” Gailey, who takes little Susan on a trip to see Santa, Doris is a little worried that this old geezer might be filling her daughters head with one too many fanciful stories about the North Pole, elves and reindeer. She asks him to come clean so that her daughter can fully understand the situation but he claims he really is Santa Claus. Assuming a quick look at his employment record will clear this up, she’s shocked to learn that it makes for some interesting reading. Surprising how no one flagged this up before. Guess things were more lax back in those days, you’d probably have trouble getting a social security number with those details but would probably be good enough to make the grade for some voting fraud.

There is some pretty compelling evidence that is as mad as a hatter though, such as when he sees Susan chewing on some bubble gum and gives blowing a bubble a try. With that majestic beard?! It goes about as well as you might imagine…

His sanity becomes a very big deal when he whacks the company doctor with his cane after the guy plays amateur hour psychiatrist with a young employee, filling his head with talk of guilt complexes and hatred for his father. This is enough to get him shipped off to a loony bin where it looks he’ll be committed full time until Gailey, a lawyer, steps in to defend him and the whole thing goes off to court. Let me tell you, there is something strange about seeing Santa in a mental hospital.

As absurd as the whole trial thing sounds, it’s actually rather interesting because suddenly you get this lobbying behind the scenes for everyone involved. Gailey quits his job after his firm get upset at him taking on such a ludicrous case and his courting of Mrs Walker suffers for it because he’s willing to risk his career just to represent this, admittedly, sweet and kind old man. Then you’ve got the District Attorney who’s own grand kids shun him because he would dare try and lock up Santa Claus. Plus, there’s the judge himself who risks causing a shit storm during election year. After all, what right minded man of the law would possibly rule that Santa exists? But with the risks of unions and corporations turning against him if he doesn’t…

This one is a lot of fun. Edmund Gwenn, who would go on to win an Oscar for this role, starts off a bit curmudgeonly as he nit picks window displays and gives makeshift Santas the third degree but it’s not long before he becomes very likeable, even if he is a bit of a know it all. And how couldn’t he? It’s Santa! Even Susan, as annoying as she seems at first, isn’t featured that much and she starts to come out of her shell too with Kringle around. I had an idea of the general premise of this movie going in, that of a guy ultimately being up in court trying to prove that he’s Santa, but I never really imagined that there’d be so much politicking going on around it. It really does seem weird that this judge ends up in this almost ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situation but, the way they present it, it all kinda makes sense.

[King Ellis]

Day 4

Rise of the Guardians

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Because, hey, at least it's got to be better than Rise of the Daily Mails, right?! Actually, Rise of the Daily Mails does sound interesting, I picture Gandalf standing on the White Cliffs of Dover shouting 'You shall not pass!' to any approaching ships.

But yes, Rise of the Guardians, released in 2012 by DreamWorks Animation. Now usually, I'm not really into DreamWorks stuff. For some reason I saw Antz in the cinema when it came out and I've seen Shrek but that's about it. I just look at the posters for some of their films and something just rubs me the wrong way. I'd say I can't quite put my finger on it but in the case of the above, Turbo, I think it's the overall smugness that's going on. There's even some of it for Guardians poster but those snails are really out smugging them.

Still, Rise of the Guardians does have something going for it and, get a load of this, a dual sword wielding, Russian Santa Claus played by Alec Baldwin. I think that bears repeating, a dual sword wielding, Russian Santa Claus played by Alec Baldwin. Santa doesn't just have naughty and nice lists writing out on scrolls or anything like that, he has them tattooed on his arms. Guy is a badass!

Alongside Santa, you have a whole super team of make believe childhood characters; the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Sandman. To be honest though, I had no idea who the Sandman was meant to be at first and if the Tooth Fairy hadn't had the fact that it was her hammered in before she even shows up on screen, I'd probably say the same for. She looks more macaw than fairy and all of her underlings look like humming birds. At least the Easter Bunny actually looks like a rabbit, even if he is over six feet tall, carrying a pair of boomerangs and is voiced by Hugh Jackman. Hooray for copious amounts of Australian dialect, though they do stop short of having him call the Tooth Fairy 'Sheila'.

But when a mysterious and shadowy figure threatens the Guardians, the higher power known as 'The Man in the Moon' elects to increase their ranks with a new guardian, Jack Frost. We see him at the start of the movie and three hundred years before the events that take place in it, coming to life underneath a frozen lake and slowly discovering his powers.

Unfortunately for him, he finds a nearby village but no one is able to see or hear him, instead just passing right through him as they walk by. I actually find Jack to be really quite creepy looking. Santa looks fine and so do a lot of the other human characters but there's something about Jack that's just weird. I think it's the wide eyes and extremely pale skin, it's like he's dead. Well, I suppose you would look that way too if you drowned in a frozen lake.

I suppose you can question just how 'Christmassy' this movie is since it takes place around Easter in what appears to be your average American town but Jack seemingly conspires to make everything very frosty by making it snow so it does feel kind of festive. He just gets a real kick out of it, all the kids having the time of their lives playing in the snow instead of going to school. To say he's been doing this three hundred years though, he still somehow hasn't grown tired of tripping people up by making the streets icy. You'd think that would wear off pretty quickly.

To add to the Christmassy feel, we get to visit Santa's workshop and see all the toys being made. What's that, Elves? No, Santa's just humouring those little guys into thinking they make all the toys. The real workhorses around here are the Yeti. Or is that YEH-TAAAAAAY? Either way, I love these guys. You'd picture a yeti as some giant, lumbering brute but no! They're actually quite dexterous and capable of very fiddly toy assembly! They don't have any dialogue outside the occasional unintelligible gibberish but they're still very expressive, the highlight being a running gag where one of them has his whole days work rendered ultimately pointless when they're told things need to be painted a different colour. Just seeing him through his head back in frustration, smack it onto his desk and then swat away a toy just as focus is moving away from him is very funny.

All the guardians have come together as a former foe known as Pitch Black is about to strike once more. He's looking to eliminate everyone by destroying the children's belief in the guardian. For example, he manages to turn the Sandman's whimsical dream creatures into nightmarish visions which attack the Tooth Fairy's palace and steal away all her helpers. With no one around to collect the teeth, children wake up to find their teeth still under their pillow and they start to think that maybe she wasn't real after all and she starts to lose her power. I'm just a little distracted by this characters design. With that pale skin and wide nose, he looks like a dead Na'vi from Avatar.

Speaking of kids, there's one in particular that the movie focuses on called Jamie who very early on goes on a wild sled ride through town thanks to Jack using ice tracks to maneuver him through traffic and the like. Sure, it's fun for the kid but how many cars probably swerved to avoid him and ended up crashing? It all comes to thrilling conclusion as Jamie ramps off some ice, gets mad air and crash lands, albeit safely, in front of a statue.

And then gets hit by a sofa.

wut

Sofa? What?!

But whilst all the world is finding it hard to believe, he never stops. Even if he does worry that he wont ever see Jack and friends again. But don't worry, Jamie, we'll always be right here.

E.T plaguerising aside, this is still pretty cool (no pun intended). It's nothing ground breaking storywise and you'' run into a lot of familiar tropes along the way like the villain trying to coerce the hero to his side, showing how they're not that different if you really look at it, and the old misunderstanding that has everyone thinking the hero fucked up, shunning him before he comes back to save the day. Some designs aside, everything looks great with some awesome settings like Santa's Workshop and Easter Bunny's warren. Those two characters are pretty great too, Santa like I've already said is a bit of a badass and you get some back and forth sniping between Jack and the Bunny.

The tooth fairy is a bit weird though, see seems to have the hots for Jack (or his teeth at least) but that never really goes anywhere and just leads to strange moments like when she out of nowhere starts sticking her fingers in his mouth to inspect his gnashers.

But my biggest problem is that they never explained that bloody sofa. Seriously, it just comes in out of nowhere and wipes Jamie out. How did it even get there? It's in the middle of a little park like area so that'd be one hell of a throw if someone was trying to drive by dump it from the road. Are we supposed to assume that it was fate that he was supposed to lose his tooth that day before Jack intervened and that was just the Tooth Fairy's abstract way of making it happen? Actually, the Tooth Fairy probably is able to get her hands on a lot of sofas. That's probably where she gets all her spare change from to leave under pillows.

[King Ellis]

Day 5

A Fairly Odd Christmas

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Man, normally when I do these things the release dates of the movies/tv shows in question tend to jump around all over the place but this Christmas I can barely seem to break away from anything not released in the past twelve months.

Anyway, this is a festive follow up to the live action TV movie of Nickelodeon's cartoon 'The Fairly OddParents' released the previous year. I didn't even know that was a thing until sometime last year so that was a certainly a surprise. I watched the show a little bit when I was younger so I watched the movie and it wasn't too bad. It dealt with a now 'grown up' Timmy Turner, if only physically, in his early 20's and driving his parents crazy by being a layabout who refuses to move out (wait, this sounds familiar...), still getting his every wish fulfilled by his Fairy God Parents and being repeatedly held back in school so the point that he's been the same class over 13 years. But when the once annoying Tootie arrives back in Dimsdale, now an attractive young woman, he begins to learn about love and not being a selfish prick when the two team up to fight off a corrupt land developer who, by way of Fairy obsessed Mr Crocker, is looking to steal Timmy's Fairy God Parents and take over the world, or something.

Unlike this Christmas outing, it had a serviceable story with an actual villain, even if the story pushes a 'save the rainforest' type agenda and the villain is cliche and over the top, but what else can you really expect? Timmy's parents are wonderful, I get a real kick out of how hammy Timmy's Dad is and his voice is hilarious, and Cosmo pulls out his usual assortment of one liners where you have to take the rough with the smooth. It even had some fleeting cameos from George Alexander and Cheyrl Hines as Cosmo and Wander when they momentarily turn themselves into restaurant staff when Timmy is out on a date with Tootie.

Timmy was meant to lose his Fairy God Parents when he finally grew up and fell in love but events conspired to allow him to keep the girl and his fairies, just so long as his wishes from now on weren't selfish. So the gang ride off in a van together to solve the world's problems, one wish at a time. Though, the opening of Odd Christmas reveals that the initial idea has changed somewhat and now involves Timmy seemingly granting any wish he comes across, culminating in him giving out Unicorns, monster trucks and dinosaurs to little kids. And you all thought that was just a guy in a rubber costume, no, it was Timmy Turner!

This ends up royally pissing off one Santa Claus though as Timmy is usurping his job of spreading joy to all the children of the world. He summons Timmy to the North Pole but Timmy accidentally knocks Santa off a ladder and seems to give him multiple personality disorder. Every five minutes he seems to change into someone new, ranging from Easter Bunny to a ballerina.

Cue the arrival of Jorgon von Strangle, world's worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator. I seemed to have forgotten since the first movie but the guy playing him just doesn't seem capable of holding the accent together. Makes me wonder what the voice actor in the cartoon was like but, unlike Timmy's Dad who does both the cartoon and live action version, Jorgon is played by two different people so maybe the cartoon was better.

Anyway, according to 'Da Rulez', that wonderful prop of plot convenience that always threatens to take away Timmy's Fairies, any Fairy God Child who renders a Holiday Icon unable to fulfill his or her duties will take over the role until said Icon can return to duty. This leads to Timmy donning the red suit. At least, it would if he wasn't on the dreaded naughty list. So, he has to venture off to a secluded part of the north pole where he must request to be removed from the list by the elf that controls it.

Whilst it's hardly the most thrilling or perilous of journeys, one moment that stands out is when Timmy and Mr Crocker get separated from Tootie, the fairies and a pair of elves that came along to guide them. They happen upon a group of friendly ginger bread men who would more than happy to help them out.

That is until Crocker starts eating one of them, naturally sending them into a fit of rage as they proceed to pull out spears and give chase. Those things are pretty creepy!

Still, it could be worse, you could be with the other group, making weird noises to CGI penguins and potentially threatening any future acting work in the process. To be fair, I'm used to not hearing coherent sentences from people in orange jackets.

Despite all the sharpened candy canes, killer gingerbread men and rickety rope bridges, our heroes make it to the elf, who promptly laughs in their faces and shows them just why Timmy is on the naughty list. Turns out giving little kids fire breathing monsters is frowned upon. Oh come on, if you blacklisted everyone who did that then you wouldn't have anyone left to put on the nice list!

Hey, it's that one vertically challenged guy who was in Bad Santa! I keep getting reminded of that...

Crocker speaks up in Timmy's defence, saying that even though they've had their issues in the past, he's seen how brave and courageous Timmy is as he tried his darndest to save Christmas. This leads to the elf having a change of heart, as anyone who's able to win round the surly Crocker must be doing something good. Thus, Timmy is off the naughty list and everyone dashes back to Santa's workshop to cram in some last minute Christmas preparation before Timmy has to head out to deliver all the presents.

Luckily, it all goes well and everyone celebrates back at the workshop. Timmy and Tootie even go so far as to kiss under the mistletoe after an otherwise reserved series of hand holding, hugs and friendly pecks on the cheek throughout the movie. Steady on guys, this is a kids movie!

So, yeah, when a movie makes you long for one that has an environmental message, it's probably not doing the greatest of jobs. Plus it commits the cardinal sin of both marginalising Timmy's Dad and making what little lines he does have not funny. If they make another of these movies, they should just make it about him, he's awesome! A feature length epic on his epic rivalry with DINKLEGERG!!! Make it happen.

[King Ellis]

Day 6

The Christmas Raccoons/A Charlie Brown Christmas

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I have a rather dull looking request of sorts looming like a dark cloud on my horizon so you'll forgive me if i procrastinate a little longer by indulging in a couple of these animated specials. I'm doing two because I feel it's a little lazy to do only one when they're only 25 minutes long.

Up first is The Raccoons, something that I turned up the other day in a look over some Christmas specials. I remember this show from when I was a kid, seems it only ran from 85 to 91 so it must have been repeated way after that over here in the UK caus I seem to remember watching it way into the 90's. Turns out there were a series of specials, four of them, that came before the show got started and this was the first of those.

Things start out in the Evergreen forest with a ranger and his two kids as dad puts them to bed because he has to go investigate some extreme deforesting that seems to be going on. Like, half the trees just vanishing out of nowhere! Were there always humans on the show? I must say, this animation is really terrible. I suppose this was the extremely late 70's and going into 1980 and they probably didn't have much of a budget but still, it reminds me of some crappy Christian animated bible story or something.

And that sheepdog is there too! I remember him and his kid from the show. I know sheepdogs generally do have those really crazy fringes but it's still kinda creepy that he basically has no eyes. The kids go to sleep, I guess a ranger's salary doesn't cover a house with separate rooms or beds, and start to dream of being out sledding with the dog, named Schaeffer.

We then run into the titular Raccoons, Ralf, Mellisa and that lazy bum, Burt. He literally walks right out of bed in order to go sleep on the sofa. The intro says that this is a very special forest with trees so big that the animals live inside them but, I don't know, I think there's probably a Tardis thing going on here, this place seems massive. Ralf is outraged to read about all the trees being cut down in his morning newspaper. Is there a lot of money to be made in printing The Evergreen Forest Daily? And how do you think you got that newspaper without some trees being cut down? Hypocrite!

Who else would be cutting down these trees than Cyril Sneer, with his nerdy soon Cedric en tow. You've got to hand it to Cyril though, not many company owners would be so willing to get their hands dirty, he's right out there on the front line with a chainsaw cutting down those trees. Cedric is a little worried about just how much of the forest is being cut down, the company being apparently a whopping seventeen times over it's quota, but Cyril tells him to stick to the company accounts before running off with his chainsaw. Because Cyril doesn't look quite scary enough on his own with those baggy eyes and permanent cigar hanging from his mouth, we need to give him a chainsaw. Also, it's a little weird to hear all this talk about wood coming from creatures so phallic.

Cyril ends up cutting down our heroes' house and it gets carted off by the two kids who just find it laying around and assume it's up for grabs. Hey, that's theft by finding, you little punks!

The raccoons follow the kids home and break in thinking they can get back some of their stuff but end up being chased away by Schaeffer and everyone eventually ends up at Sneer's lumber yard. Apparently the workers aren't working hard enough so Cyril literally kicks one off a machine. I think this guy is going to end up being a one man company, that'll cut those expenses. It seems that there's a few trees left in the forest and Cyril is itching to go get them, despite Cedric saying they have enough wood to make 1,218,453 2x4's. Why, just the thought of that many 2x4's would make Jim Duggan's pants tighten.

Now, I seem to remember the show as an us vs them, underground rebellion sort of thing as the Raccoons, the dogs and Cedric and his girlfriend would try and sabotage Cyrill, who would send those annoying little pigs after his enemies. That had the benefit of running over multiple seasons though, this thing only has twenty five minutes so we'll just resort to having our heroes jumping those aardvarks as they step foot out of the front door. Cue comedy brawl with added dust cloud.

The raccoons confront the father son pair on their behaviour, saying that the other lumber companies at least stick to their quotas and plant new trees. But Cyril can't do that, think of the cost! Cedric suggests that re-forestation could prove quite profitable and that puts dollar signs in Cyril's eyes. I keep expecting his nose to go stiff whenever he thinks of money. So, with Sneer having in some small way learnt his lesson, it's a happy ending, right?

Sadly not, since the raccoons are still homeless.

Good thing it was all a dream though! Really? I remember being taught in primary school that 'it was all a dream' was a bullshitty way to finish a story. But was it really all a dream? Because suddenly that whole forest problem seemed to fix itself and there's a bunch of happy looking raccoons next a tree right outside their house. Hmmm.

You know what's most disappointing about this though? Whilst it has a relative multitude of songs, there's no 'Run With Us'! That songs kicks ass. I'm going to have to go and pull that up on YouTube once I'm done here. But fiiiiiiiirst....

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

After commenting on the look of the Raccoons, it probably goes without saying that Charlie Brown doesn't look too great either but I think there's a lot of charm to these characters and there's some humour to be found in the expressions they make and how things cut from one being all smug because they made some quick witted response to a remark and the other person just left looking pissed off. In fact, it seems most of the kids in this thing spend half their time plain angry.

Whereas Charlie Brown himself, whilst prone to the occasional bouts of anger, generally looks more startled. Perhaps he's just come to realise his own fragile mortality and that's why he's so depressed all the time. I really do love that shot of them both just looking vacantly over the wall.

I actually wanted to comment on how that one dirty kid manages to have all that dust around him while he's dancing on ice but Charlie Brown beat me to the punch by outright stating that he's the only kid that could raise a cloud of dust in a snow storm.

The sound is kind of a mixed bag too with the voice actors being a bit iffy but there's some nice jazzy background music.

I'm kinda a little lost on what to say about this one, it's all just a bit weird. I do find it funny though that Charlie's Brown's little, old, withered tree, his staunch symbol of anti commercialism during Christmas, can be bought so readily in real life.

[Monkey D. Lars]

Ellis you should watch: Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny.

[Monkey D. Lars]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvUmD2kP_g0

[King Ellis]

Day 7

The Christmas Shoes

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When I posted on the Twitters about my impending Christmas movie watching, our own Hbob presented me with this, "The Christmas Shoes". Oddly enough, the first image that popped into my head was of a magical pair of shoes that went around granting wishes, think the talking shoes from the MC Hammer cartoon except with Santa hats on or something. Wow, I can't believe I'm making that sort of reference, or really that MC Hammer had a cartoon series. Did everything back then just get a cartoon or something?

What we get instead is a made for TV movie "inspired by the #1 hit song". This is gonna hurt...

Things start with a nice, hard slap to the face in the form of the good old cliche of 'the dad that never turns up to the dance recitals/basketball game/school play'. I really have been pining for further exploration of this childhood drama ever since I watched Jingle All the Way last Christmas, so God bless you, Christmas Shoes, for filling that void.

Whilst this is creating all sorts of friction between Mr and Mrs Layton, we also get a look in on another family, the Andrews, who despite their quarrels over getting a puppy, are all very happy.

Though, I am a little distracted with how much the father looks like Olympic champion cyclist and probable object of Hammy's admiration, Sir Chris Hoy. And what's the deal with American's and breakfast? Pancakes and syrup, ok, but why put bacon with that and pour syrup on the bacon too?! Insert 'lol, America' fat joke here.

Unfortunately for them, the mother has something wrong with her ticker and is not long for this world. In one of the many instances of these families inadvertently crossing paths, with Mrs Layton replacing Mrs Andrews heading up the schools choir as they prepare for a Christmas performance. This leads to her missing an interview that her husband had her arranged for her as an avenue back to work so that they can buy a new house, but she's not willing to have her daughter be left with two absent parents. Damn you, Hollywood Dad, when will you learn?!

Apparently being a stay at home mum and a mechanic in a failing garage doesn't keep you from top class medical insurance as Maggie is almost instantly in line to get a heart transplant. Sadly, it turns out the donor had Hepatitis B and this was her only real shot so it looks like increasingly grim.

Their son, having heard stories of his parents anniversary tradition of going out dancing and his mothers nostalgia for an old pair of dancing shoes, decides to buy her a very special pair he's seen in a store. But how's a little kid meant to afford $20 for shoes?

Cans! For every one he recycles, he can get 5 cents. I appreciate there's not many avenues for making money at your age but time is a factor here, kid. We're probably talking weeks, not months, Death isn't going to wait around for you to get your hundreds and hundreds of Coke cans.

There's some Civil Action type nonsense that's going on on the side that keeps Layton busy but at least that movie had Stephen Fry in it. Something about dead fish being poisoned by land developers trying to force the price down so that the fishermen finally sell up, I don't know.

But eventually, the kid runs off to buy the shoes but runs into just about every cliche roadblock imaginable. The store already closed! Oh wait, the door was just jammed.

Oh no, the shoes are gone! Oh wait, they were just hidden amongst a mess of boxes strewn all over the floor. It's like Black Friday shoppers just ran through the display or something.

Oh no, you and your jar full of nickels are just short of the $19.95 (Reduced. Yeah, big 4 cent reduction there guys. "One day only, 0.000001% savings! Don't miss out!") price tag! Hey, at least you can take those coins back and use them to pay your gas bill the next time you feel you've a grievance with the gas company. Oh wait, you have a sob story that warms the icy heart of the grumpy lawyer that just happens to be in the queue behind you, who realises the meaning of family and how much of a jerk he's been, taking pity on you and buying you your almost dead mother's present. What a nice guy.

Now run, Nathan, run home as fast as you can! Let the inspiring words of what I assume are the infamous song that inspired the movie guide you! I mean, really, how can you not laugh at these lyrics:

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

And Mama did smile and Jesus is smiling down on you, Hollywood Dad, for making it all possible. You didn't punch out any Reindeer along the way or threaten any of your neighbours to stay away from your baked goods but still, you did real good.

Arnie is proud of you.

As for you, Hbob, for making me sit through this, I hope you live up to your 'TL Hobo' name and have a very lonely Christmas!

[King Ellis]

Day 8

How the Grinch Stole Christmas/Merry Christmas, Mr Bean

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I suppose this is a good fit for me. After all, it is narrated Frankenstein's monster himself, Boris Karloff.

And being a Dr Seuss work, he has plenty of weird and wonderful words to recite. I feel like my vocabulary has grown three sizes this day after hearing of the Who's and their array of musical instruments and hobbies.

It's not just him delivering the goods audio wise, you have a man by the name of Thurl Ravenscroft (cool name) providing vocals to the sinister sounding "You're a Mean One, Mr Grinch" which not only adds to the creepy mood but provides some dark humour through it's lyrics and unusual structure, with the song sometimes prone to diverting into long winded, absurd attacks on the Grinch. I think my favourite lines would be "You've got termites in your smile" and "You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce."

But what truly makes everything so creepy is the Grinch himself. This design and animation is just fantastic, whether it's the Grinch just frowning as he looks down on Whoville or the unbelievably wicked grin that grows on his face as he hatches his nasty plot to steal Christmas from the Whos. The smile would be bad enough on it's own but the unfurling of the hair on the top of his head is a little off putting too.

And when he slithers amongst the presents like a snake? Maaaaaaaaan...

It's a simple premise of a stubborn and surly miser who despises Christmas before eventually learning the error of his ways, but where someone like Scrooge was content to shut himself away from Christmas, the Grinch seems to despise it and all the happiness it brings to his neighbours, leading him to scheme on how to make sure they don't get to enjoy it this year.
With it's mischievous antagonist and slightly fantastical setting, it certainly provides a little bit of darkness to the usually saccharine nature of Christmas.

Next!

Ah, Mr Bean, played of course by Rowan Atkinson. Mr Bean eventually spawning two films after a strangely paced TV run that saw only 14 episodes over a period of about 6 years. I think this is the kind of this that confuses foreign types like Americans who have TV shows that last either 3 weeks before getting canned or eleventy billion years and everyone is just left tired of them by the end. I remember seeing the first Bean movie in the cinema but not so much of the actual film outside of him drawing the Mona Lisa (I think) again after mistakenly destroying it or some such. It's like that woman and the painting of Jesus, only years ahead of it's time. Just looking it up now, it appears it was a rip roaring success, bringing in just over $250m on a budget of only $18m. I'm a little surprised it did so well, I know Bean has some very wide appeal because it's such an accessible show with it's lack of dialogue but that's not really the case with the movie. That and I'm not sure how popular he is in America. I'm also curious as to why it took 10 years to do a sequel but apparently that one did just as well. I actually have that on, of all things, HD-DVD but it is as yet unwatched. One day...

And speaking of one day, maybe I'll eventually put Blackadder's Christmas Carol in one of these Christmas lists. Good old Blackadder, apart from that weird first series where Blackadder is a sort of annoying, whiny, girly man as opposed to the slick, sophisticated bastard that he is in later series.

I've always been a little confused by the opening to this show, a beam of light shining down from on high and then Mr Bean falling to the street below. Is Mr Bean a gift from God or was he merely exiled from Heaven for all his childish antics?

If he's got an axe to grind with God, that might help explain his shocking blasphemous behaviour in playing with a nativity scene, even if it is hilarious.

It makes me think that perhaps this episode peaks really early, what with that scene and his inadvertent turning off of the entire Harrods shopping centre Christmas lights.

Sure, it might appear a little mean but really, he's very innocent and doesn't really know any better. He's just full of Christmas cheer and is willing to spread it to all of God's creatures.

Or maybe not...

If only people were more willing to show that spirit towards him. Instead, he has to write Christmas cards to himself. It's all a little sad, really.

Maybe he just forgot all his friends were make believe when he was buying his Christmas turkey because my word, I think he bought the biggest turkey even known. You could probably feed a third world country with that thing for a whole year or Ruki for like a day.

And in a scene that Friends would later emulate, it even ends up as a piece of festive headgear. Who needs paper crowns when you have giant poultry?

As an extra gift to you, dear reader, I'm pleased to tell you that you can watch Mr Bean right now on your interwebs via YouTube. It's from an authentic channel and everything! Even The Grinch is available for nothing from that one Internet Archive place, that one is legit too, right?

[ChrisSteeleAteMyHamster]

Chris Hoy is too Scotch for me to unconditionally love him.