Gazz

That's going to be the highlight of your season.

There does seem to be massive differences in his quoted wages between sources. I've seen as low as 80k a week quoted.

Game's gone.

It's been proven today that former Newcastle defender Chancel Mbemba is 34, not 28 as he claims. Chuck him on the pile too.

Where do I start? Guivarc'h? World Cup winning striker who lasted three months. I think he scored once. Lazaar? Signed from Serie B in Italy. Not sure he was even up to that standard. Pancrate? Somehow played nearly a hundred games for PSG. I'm not entirely sure if the bloke who signed for us wasn't someone else who stole Pancrate's identity. Marcelino? Defensive liability who missed six months because of a 'finger injury' and a bunch of other injuries that never showed up on scans. Thauvin? Physically incapable of playing in the Premier League. Cabella? See Thauvin Boumsong? A slower, shittier Titus Bramble Barecca? Not entirely sure he existed Gonzalez? Signed off of Youtube by Dennis Wise almost certainly as a bung to an agent. Xisco? Maybe scored once Muto? See Xisco Riviere? See Muto Romain Amalfitano? Almost certainly signed in error because we thought he was his brother, Morgan. Sol Campbell? Cunt

Didn't even attempt a Sterling pun. Absolutely shit.

Here's an artist's rendering of the new away standing section.

Why spend money designing ten shirts when you can design one?

That collar looks like he's wearing a shirt over his pyjamas.

I mean, that's just Ghostbusters.

Forged at Feyenoord. Made for Manchester. On loan at Sevilla by September 2023.

I saw someone on Twitter who said Jesus will get 25 goals and 25 assists this season. Frankly, he's got more chance of raising the dead.

And that was the 156th and best take.

Watch him now go and sign for Chelsea

I can't believe @METALMAN never told us that he'd had his life turned into a movie.

I'm assumming it's meant to be from the fan's perspective.

Yeah, I don't think Wilfried Zaha is going to be too happy trying to dribble around all the dog shit usually found on grassroots pitches.

Bill was unimpressed with the crab cakes, so Spurs will have to pay £5m more.

They're a privately owned company based in the UAE who PIF have a minority stake in. If anything, they're further away from the Saudi state than the club is.

Everton

True, look at the £60m we spunked on Nick Pope...

I dunno, I'd never trust a man with a goatee. Especially one that doesn't join together. What is he? 13?

Jude in the sky with diamonds

Literally just because of his name. 3rd and 4th in the Belgian league wouldn't be enough to get the job otherwise. They'd have been better off with Carl Hoefkens, he's just won the Belgian league and has Championship playing experience with Stoke and West Brom. He's much more suited to the job unless your only remit is to try and get Man City U23 players on loan.